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So are we supposed to start the podcast? Ready? One, two, three. Patriots, gay-triots, patriots, black-triots. Welcome to America's Top DEI Podcast. Pumps, what have you had it with? What I've had it with is no matter what you do nowadays. Nowadays. Does that sound like a get off my lawn type situation? Yeah, but proceed. Yeah. Okay. Okay.

Everybody wants your feedback. You send an email and they want your feedback. You go to the doctor, they want your feedback. You buy something, they want your feedback. Why do you want my feedback? I don't want to give you my feedback because it's over. I don't want to think about it anymore. Why is everything requiring feedback? And then I'll tell you what I do because I'm a codependent. The other day, I was just getting ready to leave. I think you suck feedback. So I had it all typed up, all my grievances, all my complaints. And then I thought,

What if that person's a single mother and gets fired because I said this? I don't want to do that. So then I feel bad for what's probably AI emailing me this crap. So that's my own problem and my own issue. But just leave me alone. Just leave me alone. This whole feedback loop is, I believe, kind of started with the millennials. And I love you, millennials. I do. Great voting record. However...

I think it started with them and they're the first like real generation of helicopter parents. And it's all this feelings and feedback. And what I feel when I get that is everything was perfect until you came

didn't let that conclusion be the end of it. I felt complete satisfaction until you had to follow up once I'd already closed this event or this purchase or this experience from my mind. And the worst of the worst...

is when it's something like getting your car repaired. Right. Which is a miserable experience from top to bottom. You don't have a car. Generally, everybody's cranky because, you know, it ends up costing more than you think it's going to be. And then to get an email a week after, how was your experience in getting your car repaired?

And I want to say, regardless of anything you all did, it was a miserable fucking experience. I didn't have a car. It cost $1,500 more that I didn't anticipate. I hated it from top to bottom, left to right. It's a stupid question. Don't ask me. Right. Every single person hates this experience. You can't make it better.

So why are we talking about it? It's like getting a pap smear. You know, let's not have a follow up interview about the pap smear. Right. We don't want to. I mean, it just I'm sick of it. It's like every time I open my phone, I get a text wanting my feedback or open my email. I've got an email wanting my feedback. OK, for my grievance today, we are going to I'm going to use a lifeline. OK. And we're going to call Josh Welch because he has a grievance with you that he was addressing with me over the weekend. And I said, you know what?

I'll use a lifeline during filming an episode of I've Had It, and we'll just call your ass up. Okay. Hello. Welcome to I've Had It, Josh. We're at the stage of the podcast where Pumps has told me her grievance. And then I told the audience, the listener, that I wanted to phone a friend and give my grievance to you because you were expressing a grievance you had with Pumps with me over the weekend.

That sounds fantastic. Pumps, I love you, by the way. I hope you know that. No, I know that you do. What's the grievance? I'm dying to hear. Okay, so just in a general sense, it seems to me, and I don't even, this isn't specifically Angkor Pumps, but I would say that in a general sense, I've had it

with the entitlement of vapers and when they can vape and where they vape and who they're around and the norms and rules associated with that and the bending of those rules and norms to just pretty much say, look, I'm going to vape whenever the fuck I want to. If it's on an airplane, if it's in a hospital, if it's in a gym, I'm going to do it.

And it takes me back to the days of the smokers and their entitlement. But with the vaping, I think that we breached and it's almost as if it's not anywhere near as serious and it's not as much of a rule and that the bending or the exception to the rule is acceptable. Tell her about what brought this on. Yeah. What was my particular infraction? Because I know I do that. Let's land the plane and get to what brought this on for you to bring this up to me.

Okay. So I've had several pumps and I go to the same gym. We both work out and exercise. And by the way, pumps looks fantastic. She's been working out. I saw her biceps the other day. It's been brought to my attention that in the course of her workouts, whether it's biking or lifting weights, that pumps will occasionally take a little hit off the vape. That's true. At the gym during the workout. And, and, and,

And I don't know that this will come as a complete surprise, but vaping in a gym, a workout facility is not allowed. I didn't know that, but I do know that. If the listener knows that or not, but when you're there to get healthier, when you're there to work out your body or your muscle or get cardio, they would simply ask that you not vape or share toxic fumes with other participants of the gym.

So that you can work out in a zone that's free of those toxins. And it's been brought to my attention that occasionally... By trainers at the gym, right? We have the same trainer. But it was not another trainer. I

I don't want to out anybody. No, I do do that. So it's not like it's a lie. Okay. So listen to this listener and Josh. The other day, my, my oldest son, Dylan had like earwax buildup. And so pumps and I go to the doctor's office and we are in the exam room in the room.

For sure, you would be a dumbass if you didn't know you can't vape in a medical facility. Agreed? Right. I look over and she's standing literally four inches away from the nurse. The doctor's like in knee deep in Dylan's ear and pumps is just sitting there vaping and the nurse looks over at her and her eyes get really big and she looks at me and I was just like, oh, fuck.

And you're just, I mean, like four or five times in a row. No, I think. In the medical procedure. A hundred percent. All of this is true. I'm not denying any of it. And I think he's right because you couldn't smoke cigarettes in all of these places. But vaping, you can, which has emboldened me. You can't. You say you can, but you can't. But people would know if you were smoking a cigarette on an airplane. Right. People would know if I lit up a cigarette. Every now and then you do get a little whiff of some bubble bubble.

fruit punch thing or whatever the one of the worst was one of the worst was we had mayor david holton uh here in studio in this tiny little recording studio and he's so sweet and right after we filmed we all stood up we're literally like he's in the middle and we're shaking his hands giving him a hug pump takes this gigantic hit off the vape

and exhales it right into the mayor's face. And he kind of looks at me and I'm just like, oh Jesus, fuck. Can we not wait till the mayor is outside? And it smells like this fruity thing. And I'm just like, but I think it, I think Josh is right. There is an entitlement with vapors that didn't exist with smokers. I agree. A hundred percent. Yeah. The last thing I want to say about this is

So when I'm at the gym, one of my dear trainers comes up to me and he goes, now what's that gal's name? Scoots or she does that podcast with your wife, Scoots or Stumps or I go, yeah, what about her? And he's like, I'll see her over there on that bike. And she's just getting it like boom, boom, boom. And then out of nowhere, she'll pop up a pink or purple little vape and take a big hit off that. And he said, I just about fell over laughing so hard. Yeah, that's true. I mean, when I sit down on the bike, I put my phone.

Get that all set up. Then I put my vape right there. That's true. All true. When we were on tour, we used to share a room. And I got to her, I just like, I can't share a room with her anymore because you either hear... But in the middle of the night, she wakes up and you hear this...

And then she hits off the vape in the middle of the night. And I remember I came home from one trip and I was like, I love pumps. I love her so much. I fucking hate vaping now. I hate it so goddamn much. Yeah. Because it's like, but I couldn't smoke in the, like I would not have gotten up out of bed to go outside and smoke a cigarette in the middle of the night. So Josh is a hundred percent right on the entitlement. The only thing that I want to say here is in deference to pumps, um,

All of the vapers that I know have the same entitlement in their mindset.

So this isn't something that's unique to pumps. All of the vapers of the world think that they can vape wherever it is they want to vape. Yeah. And that's just simply not the case. Whether you're Scoots or Stumps or whoever, you can't be vaping. And they'll love you and adore you so much. So I'm like, have you ratted her out yet? Have you taken this to the top and said, hey, no vaping at our gym? They're like, no, I'm not going to do that. I love Stumps. Yeah.

It's like, okay. Yeah, guilty as charged, Josh. I can't deny it.

Oh, I mean, it's a, she is a, she is a, I mean, it is a level of vape addiction that like nobody, like the world has never seen. It really is. Let me, let me ask you this. Has there been any airplane vaping? Oh my God. Yes. Of course. I'm sitting next to her and she's vaping and it's just, and she thinks nobody can tell. And I look over and then like the guy like sitting next to us is kind of like,

And the funny thing about it is she thinks nobody notices, but her vape is about 12 inches by 18 inches large. So it's like this gigantic pacifier that goes on. It's like a dildo vape. It is. And it illuminates. Yeah, I definitely like that. It illuminates like a fucking glow ring. Yeah. Is it dual purpose? Yeah, it's got a battery at the end. I can use it for two things. Okay.

Okay, so let's think about this. So we've got airplane. We've got hospitals. Gyms. The gyms. Thunder games. Thunder games. Thunder games. But the only place that might be worse would maybe be like a living assistance center for the elderly. Oh, shit. I would do it there. Why would you think I would do that? The only.

person that doesn't get fall prey to pumps chronic entitled vaping is her mother that's what I was gonna say the only place that I'm vape free is at my mother's house because her yeah because her mother scares the shit out of her and that's the only time that she shows any restraint with vaping I agree we need to get a poster of Judy laughing

It's kind of like you have a Roman that you took to graduation that you hold up. Oh, yeah. Like the fat head. Yeah. You need to get one of Judy that you just hold up in certain places with you and that'll keep her from doing it. I like that. Yeah. All right. Well, I just wanted to. Josh, I just want you to know out of that entire conversation, the only thing that resonated with me was that my biceps look good. That's just all I'm going to say. I agree. Oh, yeah.

You look fantastic. No, and everybody at the gym is very complimentary. They're like, we love having Scoots up here. She's the funniest, most hilarious. I look over there, and she's hitting that bike, and then she hits that vape, and I about buckle over. I mean, they love it. Nobody wants to rat you out. So far, I've kept it under a cap. I don't want to see you get kicked out. I want to get you in shape. And we're so close. That's right, so close. All right, well, you ladies have a great rest of your day. All right, bye. Bye, Josh. All right, bye.

Yeah. So Josh was like, he wanted to bring this up with me. And I was like, you don't even know the vaping that I'm around. You don't get to bitch. Like it's the ambient noise in my office is whether it's you or Kylie or that's all I hear. That's why I have to turn on music because it's like fingernails on a chalkboard for me now at this point. And it's not necessarily like

the annoyance of it, it's the fact that people like, you can't wait for the mayor to leave that we have to blow vape smoke in his face. That's the part that is irritating to me that like you can't, and that it's, and then just hearing the sucking all the time. So I've turned into kind of an anti-vapor, although I don't care if you vape. Does that make sense? Right. No, I get it. It's not like the aversion, like smoking. It's just, you don't want it around. Right.

Right. Welcome to I've Had It. I'm Jennifer. I'm Angie, the HVIC or the HVIC head vapor. That's what. Yes. You're the vaping beaver. Kylie. Wait. Hold on. H. H. V.

B-V-I-C. All right, Kylie. Yes. How's it going over there? How many times did you hit the vape during that call? Honestly, it made me want to hit it. So I was just over here listening. When I smoked cigarettes, when people talked about not smoking or cigarettes annoying them, it made me want to smoke more. A hundred percent. That's how it always does. Yeah. I also, every single place you've named, I recently was at the ER with my girlfriend. I was vaping the entire time. We were there till 6 a.m.

airplanes. There's nowhere I won't. Right. Nowhere.

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Okay, Kylie, what's going on on the internet? I've got two reviews for you today. The first one I'm going to read is from KK Ray titled You Down With The HBIC, Yeah You Know, dot dot dot, five stars. Given the current political climate, did I, a gay truant who plays pickleball and is also a divorce lawyer, hopefully without me mom meat curds,

Think a podcast that boasts America's legal Eagles slash H B I C as well as the Steffi graph of the tennis pickleball worlds would exist a hundred plus episodes and a patron subscription later. I can thank Tik TOK for having these hope diamonds show up in my feet a few months ago.

Until now, I hadn't been able to find the right Venn diagram for a podcast that is equal parts 12-year-old boy humor, hard-hitting episodes dedicated to protecting the marginalized, and griping about the worst grievances witnessed on a daily basis and the importance of female friendships. Thank you, Kiki and Swedish Fish, for getting us the content on a daily basis. And to our HBVIC and her much younger partner in crime, all I can say is cuckaw. What a great review. That's a great review. I like the 12-year-old boy humor. Yeah.

That stuck out to me because that's me. Yeah. I always know like that's how the whole beaver thing came up because I just kind of flippantly said, what was that guy's last name? Beaver. You're like, no. And then you corrected it. And then like the just beaver sitting out there floating. I couldn't take it. You could just immediately busted out laughing because, of course, you thought about a vag. Of course. All right. Next up.

Okay, next we've got five stars. You keep me going from Luke and he writes, I'm Luke. I'm a queer kid who was recently displaced because of a fight with my stepdad in living with my grandmother right now. But y'all give me the courage to keep going. I fall asleep to y'all complaining every night and it makes me feel better. Like one day I'll be able to stop and breathe for a second and have some fun.

Oh my gosh, Luke, I just, I am so sorry for what you're going through. And I just want you to know that you are perfect the way you are. And I'm so, I just, this kind of stuff, this type of bullying by people to the LGBTQ plus community is something just that I will just always, always, always fight for. And I've always fought for. And

And I just, I will not be a part of any institution or any organization or any touch, any thing in my life.

That condones that type of bigotry towards your community because this is the end game. And so many people don't think about kids at home crying. They only think about themselves. And it makes me sick. Yes, Luke, thank you for listening. That's a, you know, it's a difficult situation. And we're in your corner for sure. Okay.

Let's go over some news. First one up is emails from women are more likely to be described as aggressive than

Even when the wording is the same, when a woman sends a direct email, she is more likely to be called rude. When a man sends the exact same email, he's seen as efficient and assertive. I think this is so true. I tend to, with text messages and work emails, send very short, direct messaging without

a lot of fluffery or superfluous wording to it. Just very, I need this done by noon. And that's the end of it. And I noticed when I hire new employees, they'll ask me if I'm mad. And I'm like,

No, what are you talking about? Right. I'm just very direct. Like we're, we're in a work setting and work settings call for just immediate, you know, communication without a bunch of fluffery and men can do this and they see, they are praised for it, but women, not so much. It's just such a double-teener and you see it with women need to be pretty, but not too pretty. They need to be direct, but not too direct. But what, you know,

Really what kills me in that, because it's so true, is the exact same wording. A woman's aggressive and a man's assertive. The exact same words. But I mean, you know, that's how it is. All right. Next up, we have a story. Almost 50% of men think they could land a plane in an emergency. Of course they do. I mean, this is just...

This is some MAGA shit if I've ever seen it. I mean, these are the same people that think they're medical doctors and conducting their own research. I guess that's how we know what the 50% of the male population are, quote, alpha males. Right. They can land a plane. How arrogant to think that you could land an airplane. Right.

Nothing about these people surprises me. They think Donald Trump's patriotic because he dry humps the flag. Like that's who they are. They think they are raw, raw, big muscle guys with homoerotic pictures of Donald Trump on their t-shirts and they're big men. All right. Next up, we have adults are having dumb phones to get away from social media.

A growing number of adults are ditching smartphones for dumb phones. Basic text and call only devices is a way to reclaim their time and mental peace. Tired of endless scrolling, doom scrolling and constant distractions. Many are choosing simplicity over digital noise. I think this is such a great idea. I think that social media and the people who own the social media are...

a huge player in this current moment that we all arrive in. I think it's a great idea. In fact, one of my girlfriends, her son lost his iPhone and she said, okay, you can either buy yourself a new one or, and she just got him like your basic phone and,

His grades went up. His anxiety decreased. His hygiene was better. I mean, it's crazy. And that's anecdotal, whatever. But if you're not on your phone all the time, you have a lot more time on your hands to do other stuff. Yeah. All right. Next up, I wanted to talk to you all about I'm finally I graduated my youngest child. You graduated your youngest last year. And I wanted to share a story about what happened. So we're leaving college.

the graduation ceremony. And these two lesbians approached me and they're like, Jennifer, Jennifer, we're huge fans of the podcast. I was like, oh, thanks. Why are y'all here? And she's like, oh, my niece is graduating. We live in Michigan. And then one of the lesbians says, I actually know Josh. I hooked up with him in college.

And Josh and I'm walking with my oldest son and his girlfriend and Roman, the one that just graduated, is walking with Josh. But they're probably about 15 yards ahead of us trying to go get the car. And I'm screaming pump style in the parking lot. Josh, Josh, a girl you hooked up with in college is here. And Dylan's dying laughing. I was like, and now she's gay. She's a big old lessee.

And so finally we catch up and Josh was like, oh my God, knew her immediately. He did. Immediately. Yes. And they hugged and had the best time. But shout out to the two lesbians. Now they live in Michigan, but they were both midlife lesbians. So meaning they were married, had kids.

And then realize, you know, after years of pretending to be asexual, finally figured out that they were in fact lesbians and are married. Well, good for them. And Josh could have potentially turned one of them gay. He could be the reason. I think I'm more impressed about that story is that he remembered that he hooked up with her in college. I think that they were like friends as well. Oh, okay. Okay. It wasn't just there. Oklahoma State University is not, you know...

I think that they were buddies and friends. Well, that's fun. Yeah. That's always fun. Also at the graduation. So I'd gone to the Syracuse graduations and the speeches were amazing. And I was thinking about how these speeches at graduations, they talk about being humble, being kind, being a good person. Right. And so it all kind of played well at Syracuse because there was a lot of coded attacks on Trump.

Fast forward to my youngest son's high school graduation. And so they give out this alumni award, all right, to like a member of a former graduating class. So it's this big deal. And they give out this alumni award. And, you know, these graduations are just brutal. Brutal. Even if you genetically share DNA with the recipient. Yeah.

So I'm thinking, okay, there's a thunder game that night. So I'm thinking this guy's going to read the room and he's going to know not to go on. Well, they introduce him and it's like he is a veteran and he works with James Lankford, who is the Republican senator. And then Stephanie Bice, who is our religious hypocrite Congresswoman that claims to be pro-life while voting against poor children to receive food.

Stephanie Bice, you know you do that. And so does James Langford for that matter. Anyway, so this guy gets up on stage and he doesn't just say, you know, thanks. You know, I want to be humble here. Instead, he proceeds to tell these 18-year-olds a story about when he was in Iraq, which he called the armpit of the world, which I thought was very insulting and elitist to say because there are many people that live in Iraq, okay?

So he's talking about his tour of duty there and he proceeds to go on a 20 minute brag fest. No. About how he saved somebody's life. Yeah. No. Yes. Oh my God. It was the most brutal and exhausting thing. The most, he's like, so you just have to be kind and let me give you an example of how kind I am. When I was in Iraq, I,

We were under attack and then this guy is hit and I go into enemy fire and I get him out. And he tells this whole battle story, grandstanding and showboating about how he saved somebody's life to these 18 year olds who are all dying to get out of this graduation. All of the parents are dying to get out of this graduation because everybody wants to go watch the Oklahoma City Thunder in the playoff game.

And at the end of it, he starts talking about how important it is to be kind and to have integrity and all of these attributes that these seniors should take forward into adulthood. And I'm sitting there thinking, okay, you work for, with adults.

Senator James Lankford, who does not show an ounce of integrity at all. All he shows is breathtaking hypocrisy. You work with Congresswoman Stephanie Bice, who is an abject hypocrite of the highest order that tells her constituents, I'm a Christian and I'm for children and for families, yet goes and votes against both every chance she can get.

And so then he talks about kindness and he works with these Republicans. And I'm wondering, does this guy vote for MAGA? Is that a kind movement? And so I just see how these people like the the delusions of grandeur that this man, you know, to not be able to read the room and to sit there and give a 20 minute speech.

speech at an event that's not really about you. You're supposed to get the award, say thank you, wrap it up within 90 seconds, get the fuck off the stage. Instead, he goes through all of these battle stories with these teenagers. And after the event, I asked Roman, I go, Roman, what were you and your friend saying when that guy was grandstanding? He goes, we were all looking at each other like, what does any of this have to do with us? Right. Why are we hearing this? Yeah. It was the weirdest thing.

thing ever. And I think the school should remove the guy's award

Because his speech disqualified him for being an outstanding alumni member. Right. It was disqualifying. His speech disqualified himself because he cannot read the room. You do not go to somebody else's graduation and give a 20-minute speech about yourself and get this. Before he started, he said, I'm going to share a speech with y'all about kindness. My therapist has told me I need to share this story more. Right.

He drug his therapist into it. Trying to make him or her accountable for his bad behavior right there. And I'm sitting there thinking, I guarantee you, your therapist would not have advised you.

That you give this speech at a graduation honoring 18 year olds that need to hear about ways to move forward in their life and how this institution helped you. We don't need to hear about how you saved a life. Oh, and then it goes into how he bumped into this guy later. And the guy was like, you saved my life. And it went on and on and on.

That is absolutely the worst. It put everybody in a bad mood. Everybody was moaning, groaning, sighing. It was the biggest example of grandstanding I'd ever seen in my life. Okay, let me ask you this.

As it went on, do you think that he started noticing that people were getting bored and tried to wrap it up quicker? No. Absolutely not. Breathtaking lack of self-awareness in this. He was smiling throughout the entire thing. And I believe...

felt like this was a story that actually helped people and didn't highlight what a braggadocious lack of humility this man had at the core of his character. And I furthermore found it incredibly insulting to my personal intelligence that he wanted to get up and lecture people about kindness when he supports people like

hypocrite Senator James Lankford, an extreme anti-woman, anti-family hypocrite Congresswoman Stephanie Bice, who is in our district right here, who had the district relined because we had a Democrat named Kendra Horn. So they ended it because this is Oklahoma City. They had it redrawn to absorb more rural areas where she could go in and Christian signal to these people.

So the fact that he works with them and then wants to sit down at our secular school and try to lecture me and my kid about kindness, I found incredibly rich. And the only thing kind that he could find support that he did was saving somebody's life in a war that the United States had never been in in the first place.

Yeah, it sounds miserable. It just sounds absolutely miserable. Graduation. He ruined my son's graduation. And here's the deal. I bet you he is running around telling everybody in his life, I did such a great job. They loved it so much. I inspired. These 18-year-olds walked away inspired by me. And I support the troops, but I guarantee you the majority of the troops would never talk about that. My dad fought in Vietnam War. Will not talk.

Talk about it. Like, and I sure as hell wouldn't talk about it to a graduating class. And a bunch of crazy shit went on over there. And I just, I just thought it was so gross. And I just wanted to share it. We had to go. We all went through it. My son, my oldest son was just disgusted by it. My youngest son, the graduate was disgusted by it. I'm embarrassed that the school didn't stop it or vet what he was going to say. It was such a disgrace.

That's awful. And that's a shame it ruined it for so many people. It really did. It really did. The head of the upper school gave a speech about Jimmy Carter, which was interesting that he had to sell his peanut farm. And then he was a president and his presidency was considered a failure.

But his post-presidency was a model for all to be in awe because of how humble and compassionate and all the work that he did. And so it was this really cool speech about like you can ascend to the presidency and that can be considered a failure, but that doesn't have to define you. You can go on and live with integrity and try to make the world a better place. And then we get this grandstander up there. It's having a joint therapy session with a graduating class of 2025. We're talking about war stories. Yeah.

Just unbelievable. So I just, since I had to go through that, I wanted you all, everybody should have to suffer. Yeah. All right. Kylie, how was your graduation when you graduated from high school? I don't even remember what happened at it. Yeah. I don't remember what happened. Which is probably a good thing. I don't either. Yeah. Yeah.

So, I mean, probably in five, 10 years, you won't remember this. Everybody's going to remember that grandstander. You do. You think. Because everybody was dying for it to be done by 730 to go to the game. Every other speaker, including the people within the graduating class that were 18, stood up and said...

My dad told me to keep this short because there was a Thunder game tonight. And then they would shorten their speech and it was cute and everybody clapped. Not this guy. He spoke longer than the Valor Victorian. Yes.

Three times as long. Here's the deal on that. So he is so narcissistic. Totally. That he thought what he had to say was more important than the collective want of everybody in that room. Angie, he saved somebody's life and his therapist encouraged him to tell people. Probably in two minutes or less, he could have told that story. I just think that that's not the appropriate, that's not the forum. Right. This is not West Point. This is, you know, these are high schoolers.

I just thought it was wildly inappropriate, braggadocious, nauseating. Well, you know, it damaged me. If I would have been there, I would have been vaping. I would have been like, and blowing. And I would have supported it. I might have even taken a hit too. I mean, probably would have passed it down the line. I would have been, I would have been like this. It was awful. It was the worst. And my child had a wonderful experience at that school.

But that speaker will always be, there's just certain things you just can't get past. It's going to take me a long time to get past that grandstand. Just leaves a bad taste in your mouth at the very end. It really does. Well, and then thank God we ran into Josh's ex-girlfriend lesbian right after that, because that was a real shining light. It changed the mood. It really did. Everybody would have bitched all the way home. A lesbian can always cheer up the grandstanding of a gross, narcissistic alpha male. Yeah.

Did they mention it? Have you talked to anybody since then that mentioned it? Yes, I have. So it was just universal. It was universally the most hated speech at the graduation. And that's tough to do at a graduation. It is so hard to do. I mean, that bar is low.

All right, Kylie, what do we have in store for the listener today? This lesbian is going to cheer you up with some voice memos. Excellent. Up first, we've got Mark. Hey, Jen, Pumps, and my girl Kiki, Kai Kai, Kylie girl. I don't know, the lesbian. Anyway, if you haven't been able to understand here, but fellow gaydroid here.

I work for the government. Don't even get me started on that mess. Anyway, I'm an air traffic controller. Also, don't get me started on that mess. But obviously, I work around a lot of straight men. And what I found recently that drives me up a fucking wall is when straight men refer to their significant other or really just anybody in their family as the blank.

So like I was talking to the wife earlier or the wife had to go do this or I had to drop off the daughter at such and such for fuck's sake.

Call them by their name. You don't need to just fucking itemize them or objectify them. It drives me fucking crazy. I don't know why straight men feel like they need to pull this bullshit like they're in charge of the wife or the daughter. Grow up. Get a fucking pair. I fucking had it.

I love him. Love him. I mean, that's just, I mean, you know, that's, that's what I like. What he said there is grow up, grow up, grow up. I've fucking had it. Yeah. That's what I wish I would have stood up during that grandstander. Grow up. I fucking had it. Get your ass off the stage. We're done. Go back to your therapist's office. Right. Go have a therapy session about this. But he's so right about the wife. I've heard that. Yes. I've heard people do that. And I'm like, what?

I haven't heard women do it. So I think it's straight men. I think that's who does it. I'm going to go ask the husband. It's just stupid. It's stupid. Gross. Grow up. Grow up. All right, next. Love that he's an air traffic controller.

Okay, up next we've got Gia. Hi, Jessica, Pumpernickel, and fellow lesbian Kathy. This is Gaytriot, Gia, calling from New York. I have to say I've always had it with the monthly baby updates on Instagram. And the moms will be like, Braxton is three months old. He likes to smile, make eye contact, and poop in his diaper. Okay.

Like, no shit. It's a baby. Like, those are all developmental milestones. Like, that's what it's supposed to be doing. Don't get me wrong. Like, I'm glad that your baby is on track and nothing's wrong. But they act like that their baby is the first to do it.

And especially when the baby like first comes out, why are you telling me it's stats? Why do I need to know how long it is? What am I supposed to do with that information? You sound like you're announcing it at a WWE match. Like in this corner, weighing in at seven pounds, six ounces, 19 inches long. Brinley, be so serious.

I love her use of the names. Braxton, Brinley. Yeah. She's so right. Yeah. I mean, I just... The...

interest in other people's babies is just, it's nil. It is none, zero interest whatsoever, unless you're related to that baby. Right. Unless you have a special connection to the person that has the baby or are related to the baby, you universally don't give a fuck. Nobody gives a shit. Especially about the stats. Yeah. Joe Blow, you know, two cities away has a seven pound 13 inch

baby that at three months makes eye contact. Nobody cares. He's in the 90th percentile or he, you know, like that's stupid. There's in general, there's a lot of, uh, stats that people give out for their children or grandchildren that nobody else cares about that are unnecessary. They're completely unnecessary because what you have is an average human being that maybe did a little bit above average on something.

Which did they do something above average if they're in the 90th percentile? It's not like they did anything. They're just growing. But people throw it out there like it's an achievement. Yeah. Like he achieved to be one pound over the 90th percentile at birth. Well, shut the fuck up. What would be interesting is if somebody had a baby and it's like, he came out of the womb speaking fluent French. It's unbelievable. That's interesting. That I'm interested in. Yeah. I want to hear about that. He, I mean, this kid could speak five languages by the age of five.

That's exceptional. That's extraordinary. Your child doing well on an exam or growing to a particular height is not that interesting. It's not that unique. It's something that is shared by lots and lots and lots of people. You keep that in the circle. There is a, there is a circle wherein you can talk about your children's accolades where

where you can brag and the people are proud to hear it. And that is your inner circle. When you take that outside of the inner circle, you've got the grandstander like you had it at the graduation. You've got just somebody who's a total unaware prick, grandstanding, and nobody wants to hear it.

Yeah. And do you think this is a function of, because we had kids before social media. This is a function of social media. I mean, we didn't send out cards once a month. It's just worse now. I remember getting all sorts of shit online.

And the worst, you know what? Social media has made it better. I used to have to hear this shit in person. See, I just... In real time. I just remember getting like Christmas cards once a year. That was the only update I got on people's kids or families other than the people I ran with. I remember the people I ran with hearing updates about measurements, weights, words, crawling speed, rate, steps. Yeah. So, okay. But the public at large...

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Okay, up next we've got Sarah. Good morning, Blessica, HBIC, and Katie, however we're referring to Kylie as these days. This is Sarah coming to you from Phoenix, and I had an idea. Given that Josh is a hypochondriac, and the immense financial burden that I'm sure that takes upon your family, I was thinking that if dumbass...

maggots can raise half a million dollars for a racist, vile piece of shit to also attacks people with a neurodivergence, then you know what? I think we should have a GoFundMe to help the Welches with all their medical expenses. I mean, it's the least we could do. You know, the ladies bring us this awesome podcast. They share their grievances with us. The least we could do is take some of that financial burden off. Okay. Love you. Bye.

Okay, I have a huge update for the listener. So Pumps knows some of this. So some of this won't be an update to you, but some of it will be. So we all know he thought he had a brain disorder and demanded a CAT scan of his brain, wherein they found he was perfectly normal. And then he started honing in on his ears. He spent a couple of days on the sofa with chronic earwax that was so debilitating, it prohibited him from going to work.

And then he got some doctor in a headlock who agreed that the hole in his eardrum, which my sister's third ex-husband was an ENT surgeon, repaired like 20 years ago, that he could go back in and re-repair the hole in the eardrum. So the surgery day arrives and it's last Monday. Pumps and I drop him off at surgery.

And then there's like tornadoes, warnings, hail, all this stuff right at the time I have to drive to get him. And it's in an area of Oklahoma that I detest. It is the megachurch portion of Oklahoma City, which is the suburb of Edmond. Isn't it right next door to a megachurch?

It's just mega hell is what it is up there, right? Yeah. There's that big giant cross, right? Because that's a great way to spend your money. Yeah. Build a giant cross. Nonetheless, so I have to go up into God's country to retrieve Josh from the hospital. On my way up there, the surgeon calls me and says, hi, this is Dr. Such-and-such.

I just want you to know I was able to go in and I didn't have to do this or that. But at the end of the day, I hope his ear is the way he wants it, which to me sounded like something a plastic surgeon would say after giving, you know, a neck lift or a boob job. Well, I hope her boobs are the way she wants them.

So I call Pumps and I tell her that the surgeon said this because she's like, she's encouraging me to be nice about everything because she knows that I am spent with the hypochondria, the five rehab stints, the five family weeks. I'm just spent, you guys. It's just, it's difficult for me sometimes to conjure up the empathy. So Pumps is my cheerleader, right? So I call her and I say, you're not going to believe this as I'm driving out to the MAGA Hellscape, Edmond, Oklahoma.

The doctors called me and he said, direct quote, I hope his ear is the way he wants it.

And Pump says, Jenny, do not say that to him when you go pick him up. Can you at least wait a week? And I said, okay, you're right. You're right. And I want to give you a report of what happened when I walked into the recovery room. Okay. I haven't heard this. So I walked in the recovery room and he's sitting there eating like tapioca. Right. Jell-O. Yeah. Crackers. I go, there's our little patient.

And he had like a big cotton ball in his ear. And I was like, are you about ready to go home? And he's like, yeah, I'm just starving. You know, they wouldn't let me eat all day. Did you talk to the doctor? I said, yeah. He said he hopes your ear is the way you want it. Uh-uh. Immediately. You couldn't control it. In fact, what you said in that phone call was, I said, do not bring this up. At least wait a while. Don't do this. And you go, oh, I'm never going to bring it up. You said never. You said I am never going to bring it up.

Only to find out that five minutes later you bring it up. I think it could have been within 90 seconds. You just couldn't hold it. I think I can even say within the first 30 seconds. Angie, it just, it came out. It just, it just came. That's why we had a conscious plan going forward. Not letting it just came out. What was his response? Now I got to know.

He kind of like chuckled a little bit. And I said, you know, like, it sounded like, and I went there. I sounded like something like a plastic surgeon would say. Yeah.

Then the nurse comes in, nicest nurses. So despite my hating Edmund, this hospital, fantastic. All the people that work there are so nice. Everybody was so like A+++. And like there was hailstorm, tornado, all this shit. And I'm picking up the hypo with his elective surgery, right? With his boob job slash ear. Yeah. So she's real sweet. So we start going through all the stuff. Well, we're one week post-op, okay? Yeah.

And now he goes around the house and they can't hear out of the ear that they did the surgery on. I don't know if there's fluid buildup. I don't know what the problem is. But he cannot hear. And then last night he's talking about he can't hear. And if he covers up this ear, he's just completely deaf. He's deaf. And so I said...

I just went there again. I go, you know, this is what happens when you just start having a bunch of surgeries and tinkering with stuff. Stuff just doesn't work out the way it's supposed to. You just couldn't help it. Yeah, I did. And I thought Angie's going to be so disappointed in me. Yeah. I mean, I just thought we were really, I thought we had reached an agreement because you said...

I'm never. Do you remember saying never? Yeah, I do. And I think you meant it in the moment to your credit. I think you were like, I can do it. I think I did too. But then you just got in there and you saw him with this tapioca in the ear thing. And you're just like, this is all for fucking not. I can't take it anymore. Yeah. My dogs are scared to death. I know that my tubby gets terrified of thunderstorms and hailstorms. He's left home unattended so that I can go pick up Josh, which is high times, you know, with his tapioca.

pudding and his big cotton ball in his ear. And I'm risking my life driving up to God's country to pick him up next to the big giant Christian cross. But yeah, I know you've been really disappointed. Yeah, I've really, I've really, here's the deal. I didn't, I didn't expect it to be never. I never thought we were getting to never, but I didn't think we'd, I mean, I thought we could go past surgery day. Right when it came out.

Right when it came out, I could just see your face in my mind. And you'd be just sitting there going, you just always have to be a fucking bitch. You just can't. You just can't let it ride. You just can't be a bitch. You can't just hold your tongue one time. I could. No. Yeah, I couldn't. And it was involuntary. It was like, I mean, it was just like, it just came out. But I think this is what happens, listener. You know, 25 years of marriage, rehab stints.

A lot of our relationship has been very Josh-centered. I would say probably... 95%. I was going to say 85%. Yeah. And so then you just get to a point where you just can't center on it anymore. Right. It has to be done. It doesn't mean I don't love him. It doesn't mean I don't know what's best for him. It just means there's a deficit that I can't overcome sometimes myself.

to be like super empathetic in these moments combined with the fact that we have a history of hypochondria that I don't want to enable. Also, your tolerance for medical stuff is low anyway. It's like the perfect storm. It's the three things, hypochondria you hate, you're not great in medical situations. No. And the fact that you've been married to him for 25 years. I mean, it's the perfect storm. You get to throw in the narcissism.

Right. Both his and mine. Right. Conflicting with one another. After you've been married 25 years, I don't think anyone would be just like, oh my gosh, I can't wait to get to the hospital for my husband's elective surgery. Here's the deal. Here's the problem with this, Pumps. Most people would have stayed at the hospital. You were going to let him Uber to the hospital. And I said, no, we're not doing that. She was going to let him fucking take an Uber to surgery. And I was just like, no, we're not.

I was. Because here's the thing. Here's the thing. I know all of this sounds really bitchy. And I'm not saying that it's not. I'm just saying that...

There has been a drain on me. The account's overdrawn. The account is overdrawn and he is making deposits and it's good. But when we are on the sofa for a couple of days with an earwax buildup, which I can confirm, that's true, that then rapidly accelerates to a surgery. I tend to think that.

This is not my problem. Is this a problem? Is this an imaginary problem? I think I'll deep dive into work. And it's just, you know, there's...

People that are all in each other's business. And there's been a time in Josh and my marriage where we have I've been all up in his shit and that didn't behoove me. I was codependent. I, you know, wanted to be right in the epicenter of all of his shit, monitoring, making sure the surgeon didn't prescribe opiates or narcotics. And I just felt like I had to be there to control it. And I don't feel like I have to do any of that anymore. I think that's huge growth. I do, too.

But I'm also a bitch. Also, probably I'm a growing bitch. You're a growing bitch. But I do think in your defense, it is the perfect storms of all the things that make you crazy. I appreciate that you are so sweet pumps that you're trying to give Josh a defense and me a defense. The fact of the matter is I'm kind of bitchy about the air stuff and I'll own it. Yeah, I am. I am. I'm bitchy about the air stuff.

The caller is so nice about the GoFundMe to pay for the medical expenses. Fortunately, we have great insurance. And so I would want those funds to go to our other caller, abused LGBTQ and homeless youth. But...

You know, I just, I think that there's just no question. I'm kind of a bitch, especially medical situation. I know. I know. I knew the train was going south when he stayed home from work because of earwax. I knew right then we were on it. We were at the top. Let me ask you this. If your ex-husband did that shit, would you not be homicidal? 100%. That's why I can't throw you under the bus too much because my ex-husband was a hypochondriac. He would stay home from work for diarrhea. Yeah.

And then he'd be like, where are you going? What are you doing? I'm like, why the fuck do you care? 360 days a year, you don't care. And now you want to ask me where I'm going? Go fuck yourself. No. So I get it. Yeah. That's why I can't throw you completely under the bus. I know. All right. Well, that's all I have. Nobody in this office is a hypo. No. Kylie works through being sick. Seth worked through a kidney stone. For days. Yeah. We all kind of push through. Fever is the only thing that takes any of us down. Yeah. Yeah.

Kylie, have you ever missed work due to earwax? I have not, but I'll consider it for the future. Right now that you know it's an excuse that'll get you out of work. How do you think, like, what do you think would happen if you emailed your boss and said, Dear Jennifer, I'm unable to come to work today due to chronic earwax buildup.

So I'm staying at home. I think you'd show up at my door. Yeah. I mean, I think I would just reply, you're fired. Right. I mean, that's just such a bad excuse. That is such a bad excuse. Now, granted, in Josh's defense, the only people he told was me. And the only people I'm telling is our listener. Right. Just our... Our listener. Our lone listener. Right. But, you know, I... God, I just...

I just can't imagine being so fixated on problems that don't exist. Yeah. And I'm just going to say this. I think that that tell from that surgeon, I hope his ear is the way he wants it. I just think that tells us what we have here is elective elective surgery. We didn't have to have it. That's what I think. And now he can't hear. And it,

You know, the fucked up part of me, and this is so bad. And I don't want him to be deaf to have a hearing aid. I want him to have to have, I don't want him to be deaf, but I do want him to have to wear a hearing aid. And that's terrible. That is terrible. But he's just so fucking vain that I just, just for a little bit, not for a long time, but just like three or four days, they said, okay, you're never going to be able to hear again. But you have, unless for five days, 24 hours a day, you wear a hearing aid and

and you can't stay home from work 'cause they're hearing it. You have to go to the Oklahoma County Courthouse.

I kind of want that. Okay, let me ask you this. On the scale of hearing aids, you have like the little ones that you can't see or you have the old school where you see like the whole plastic thing up and over it. Like you can see my, these are our little ear pieces that's like more visible than this. No, I want the big white one that's ear shaped that like slides in your ear and it has the big thing over it that's all. Yes, I want most. And then I want him to be incoordinate to go.

You know how sometimes you're hearing a squeak? Oh, they squeak. Yes. I kind of want that to go down a few times. I just thought of something horrible. What if he's deaf and then I have to go through a cochlear implant surgery with him? Because that would be necessary. That would be medically necessary. But then here's what you would do. You would say, none of this would have happened if you wouldn't have had the first ear surgery. So blah, blah, blah, blah. You justify it to yourself that way.

It all stems from hypochondria. Right. Well, he goes for his checkup tomorrow. And so he's been on me about how he can't hear. I'm just like, you just need to talk to the doctor. Yeah, what am I supposed to do? He thinks he got the ear the way you wanted it. You're such a bitch. I know I am. But I don't know why we're all in this situation. My sister's third ex has been fixed the hole in the ear 20 years ago. Yeah, well.

Josh wanted to revisit it. And I want to remind everybody that started with he thought he had brain disease. Right. He thought he was getting dementia. Then it was a brain disease. But I also wonder how much I can't hear. Can he not really hear? According to him, he's completely deaf. I just don't believe that. Completely deaf in that ear. I just think that might be an exaggeration. I'll tell you what. Here's what we'll do.

I'm going to go stay at your house. Okay. Okay. Kick your kids out because I know they're home from the summer. I'm going to stay at your house. Okay. Stay with all the dogs. You go belly up with Josh for about a week and then you circle back with me. Yeah. No, I'm not saying it's fun. I'm not. I'm not saying I just love it. All right. Listen, that's all we have for today. Um,

Please send us stories about your life partners and hypochondria because we're a dump truck of the victims of hypochondria and that's something nobody talks about. The victims of hypochondria, not the hypochondriac.

But the people who live near the hypochondriac and what they go through, is there any support group for that? The caregivers of hypochondria. Right. Maybe you could start one. Right. I'll call it a nurse ratchet support group. All right. So I have, listen, this is super important, fuckers. Pumps and I wrote a book. It is called Life is a Lazy Susan of Shit Sandwiches. And what was that? It was me doing like a Vanna White with our product.

You can do it here. You do it. You tell the listener about the book. It's our manifesto. I see. That's good. I love that. Here we go. What is it about? It's about our lives, our friendship, how we got here. And you only thought you knew the story, but the real story is in the book. So get the book. Smile. Smile.

And then how do they get it? You can go to any of your local book dealers or you can order at the link in bio. All right. And then tell them. We will see you next Tuesday and Thursday. Really good on that. You are a bitch. I'll tell you what I've had it with.

Listen up, patriots, gay-triots, and nay-triots. We have a new podcast that has dropped. It's called IHIP News. It's Monday through Friday, every day, 15 to 20-minute hot takes on the political landscape of the United States of America, always served with a side of petty grievances.

We are on all the available platforms, Apple, Spotify, Google, whatever you get your podcasts and YouTube. Please go rate, subscribe and review so that we will chart upwards with America's greatest legal mind pumps. Pumps, what does an eagle say? Caw-caw. A little bit more enthusiasm. Caw-caw. That's it. That's, that's. Caw-caw. That's the patriotism that this country needs right there. Caw-caw.

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