This is So Unladylike with Ashley Longshore
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So are we supposed to start the podcast? Ready? One, two, three. Big tits and the big city strikes again. I mean, I think New York just energizes me so much that I can do a great clap. It's because you're able to get those big tits out in the big city. That's right. It must feel liberating. It does feel liberating. Yeah. So, you know, Pumps, what have you had it with? I've had it with people that send you a text.

And they send like four or five in a row, like immediately, instead of just containing their thought and sending one longer text versus six rapid fire texts that each asks a question. I can't stand that. Just send one text. So it's like a text interrogation. It's like a text assault is what it is when there's just one right after the other, right after the other, all on the same thought in different text streams.

It is aggressive. It's aggressive. I do think I've done it before. Of course I've done it before. But I try really hard now that it bugs me to just wait that extra minute, figure out all my thoughts, and then send one. Another thing that bugs me about texting is people, particularly my children, that send me a text and then immediately call and say, did you see my text? I'm like, I would have answered your text if had I seen it. But now you're calling me to ask me if I've seen the text, which is a lot of times.

which clearly I haven't or I would have responded. But I think that's just the impatience of mother-child. Yes, and I think your children in particular, if you don't Johnny on the spot with them, they start to melt down because of the prior over-mothering that took place. I knew you'd make that about me at some point.

But I do think I've done that to you as well. I think I've texted you and like an over-mothered child, I followed it up with a phone call to you. Yeah, you spot it. You got it. Absolutely. I spot it in your kids because you've done the same to me. You've over-mothered me as well. I have. Yep. Let me tell you what I've had it with. What have you had it with? Your inability to operate the iCal.

Oh, did I mess it up again this morning? I've told you multiple times, don't do it. Text the girls in the office to make an entry. Yeah. Let me tell you what you do. Okay. You schedule a court appearance for yourself because the listener, as you know, pumps as a lawyer. And you're trying to say, Angie, out, court. And what you do instead is you invite everybody in.

To your court appearance. Oh, is that what I'm doing? I thought I was just emailing you so that you knew that that was out. You're sending out an invitation. Ha ha.

You've been inviting me to your days off, to your doctor's appointments. Mediations. Mediations, to court appearances. Yes. You've invited myself, Kylie, Madison, and Podcast One to all of these events. Yes, I have. And I've had it. I'm like, quit sending these notifications inviting us. We all have the shared calendar so we can look and see it. So all I have to do is hit save. I don't have to invite people. You don't need to invite everybody to your divorce court. Right.

Oh, my gosh. That's such a great tip. I had no idea. We were on the subway on our way here. And I looked down and I go, Pumps just invited me to her day off court date. It was a mediation. Mediation. I was just invited to a divorce mediation. And so was Podcast One. Right. And Kylie at fucking everybody.

I'm so sorry. And you have told me to do that, but I didn't want to bug her with just that one thing. I've told you multiple times. Because we're off that day anyway, and I just thought, well, it's fine, but I want to put it on there in case there's a new scheduling. So what you're doing is you're creating a lot of...

Digital debris. And there's nothing I hate worse. You started off this with digital debris. Yes. And you're producing digital debris nonstop with all of this mediation. You've got all these swingers you're representing in divorces inviting us to the divorce cases, which actually- Might be interesting. That might be interesting. Right. And I'm dying to see you in action. I think the listener would love to see you. I'm sure Podcast One would love to come too. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. We can start inviting our guests. Yes.

To the Oklahoma County Courthouse. Oh my gosh. I just, I feel terrible about that because I do hate the email debris. Digital debris. You are a producer. I am. A huge, okay, so now I won't do that anymore and I won't try to be courteous and just send one thing. I'll just let,

The reason we have a shared iCal is everybody can see it. That is so you can override the text or the email. Everybody's on that same cloud and they see the same calendar at the same time. Therefore, any follow-up text or follow-up phone calls or follow-up emails are nothing short of debris. 100% agree. And I apologize. I accept your apology. I mean, that's bad. I just want it forever.

for the permanent record, how many times do you think I've told you to quit fucking with the calendar? At least 10. Yeah. Yeah. But if I was like in the subway, I didn't know if it was going to work. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. But I've warned you about this. I told you you were doing it all wrong. Yeah. I didn't want to tell you exactly what you were doing. I was just like, quit doing it. Right. And I just can't take simple instructions. Let the millennials do it. And you're still inviting everybody to your pap smears. Yeah.

Mammograms. I really have no idea. Mediation. Trials. Yeah. Court appearances. I've been invited to all of them. Right. It's like you're with me. I just want you to come. It's just I'm begging for you to be there. I would. I would go with you. But we all know what happened that last time I took you to the gynecologist and you stuck that pill up your trot. It's just a bad omen. It is. It is. I think you should go to the gynecologist on your own from now on. Less mistakes. I think we have to grow a little bit apart on that type of stuff. Yeah.

Well, welcome to I've Had It. We are fighting...

digital debris. Yes. Pumps is going to lead the charge. I'm Jennifer. I'm Angie. She's big tits in the big city. She's the star of our show. You always say that and it's so not true. Everybody at our live shows says, can I take a picture with the star? I'm not on Asshole Island doing this. It's not like I'm the crazy person in the loony bin. Pumps is a podcasting star. Everybody agrees with me. Well, I don't think that's true. I think you're the star.

Oh, that's nice. But you are. Oh, my God. That's so gross. It's bad. It's bad. It's really bad. So, listener, we're in New York City. The big tits are in New York City. That's right. And we have another big-titted guest that's about to come in here. The most fabulous. A Southerner. Yes. Turned New Yorker very recently. Very recently. This will be her second appearance on Pumps' podcast. Shut up.

And it is one of our favorites. She is an international artist. She is hysterical. Let's welcome to I've Had It, Ashley Longshore.

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Are we recording? Do I have to put ear things on? No. No ears. Y'all, I just can't sweat anymore. Oh God, I'm just sweating. Let me tell you something. These titties, this body. The other day I was in a fashion show and these motherfuckers, they don't sweat. I feel a bead of sweat go from the top of my head down the back of my ears, underneath my titties, down, down.

through my tight taint down my legs. I feel like sweat on the back of my legs into my fucking shoes. I'm like, can I get a fans only account and sell pussy shoes? Oh, you should. And I'm just sitting there and these motherfuckers aren't, they don't even fan in themselves. I'm fanning myself with one hand. I'm fanning myself with the program and the show. I'm just...

I have never sweat so much in my life. The humidity has been awful. Humidity. You've got big knockers. Oh, my God. It's the worst. When you start feeling it. I want to talk to you about something. Are those things real? No. They're nice. They're fake. Yeah. Mine are real. Yours are real? Yeah, they're fucking real. I'd do anything to get rid of them. I got tangled up in my own tits the other night. Oh, I could do that. It woke me up. Yeah. Pops calls hers the sagging dragons, as you know. Oh, yeah. I like that. I like that a lot.

like that a lot. So one thing I saw on your Instagram is you did a topless tour. Loved it. Oh, yeah. Of your studio. And I'm really thinking that you could be an inspiration for pumps.

I do a hanger trick. I want her to do it. I want her to tell her about parties, like when it's kind of getting to be not very fun at a party. And so I just rip my boob out and hang a hanger from my nipple because I have these incredibly huge nipples. And they were trying to get me to do it the other day. And they're like, Ashley did it. Well, you know what I did? Because I'm trying to be more vulnerable. Right. I feel like I'm at the point in my life where, look, I'm already an open book, but

I just feel like this new chapter, my new showroom, my New York era is about truly embracing all of my vulnerability. And it just so happens my tits are highly involved in it. Agreed. I don't think I can hang a hanger for my nipples, but I could easily put a stack of like $3,000 under my tits. Oh, 100%. I carry everything in my purse. And we were trying on bras one day. Oh, okay.

Ashley, I don't want to one-up you, but I think I could too. Wait, this is amazing right now. They're putting cans in their cleavage. Cans of water. This is not liquid death. This is Jesus Christ. Somebody get me another fucking can of this mountain water, for God's sake. No, it's so good.

You want to set pumps? Actually, Dave. You want a breastfeed? I got you, girl. I like it. I have a problem with vulnerability. But I really could give a fuck. But you know what? You're from Mississippi originally, right? I'm from Alabama. Alabama. See, we're from Oklahoma, and I think we should talk about redneck shit. Well, we can. I mean, I was right. Well, you know, I grew up drinking like Milwaukee's Best. Yeah. And I had a BB gun, and we would shoot stop signs and stuff. Yeah. And this is awful, and I very much should not condone this, but-

My friend would be driving like in an open-air Jeep, and I figured out how to throw a beer can while we were driving. I was not drinking and driving, by the way. I was in the back of the car. I figured out timing. And you go while the car's going. Boom, you hit the stop sign with it. That is total redneck shit. But that is some good aim. But I also want you to know that is when I found out how large and thick and long my metaphorical cock is. Okay.

You wouldn't believe it. I've had my cock hanging out of my pants for the last six weeks up here in New York. I love that. I've been swinging my fucking big metaphorical dick all over the place up here trying to get my fucking showroom done. My balls are so big, Mom.

They hit the water when I take a fucking dump, okay? But I'm telling you, growing up in Alabama, that's when you figure out exactly how big your cock is as a young lady, a sweet southern young lady. So now you're big dick in the big city. Yes, big dick in the big city. I'm big dicking in the city. I told these contractors the other day, I said, please, I'm actually a southern woman. I'm nice. Please let me zip my metaphorical cock back up in my pants. Did you say that again?

Goddamn right I said that. And I've been doing this thing where I put on like these seven inch Rick Owens like crazy boots. Right. And I fucking walk up to them and their face is like right in these titties. And I'm like, what are you doing? And they're like, what are you doing? And I'm like, who are you? And they're like, who the fuck are you? I'm like, I'm Ashley fucking Longstraw. I'm writing your fucking check, motherfucker. You've taken four fucking breaks in the last two hours because my apartment's right there and I saw you, you little son of a bitch. Yeah.

And now when you walk around New York, you will see all the contractors. They're just sitting outside eating fucking cannolis, having a fucking great time, eating a fucking hot dog, carrying on.

Not on your watch. I want to carry on with them, but not on my dime. That's right. Right. So, you know, I'm an interior designer. Yeah, I am aware of that. Because we bought a lot of your art. I put this under my other tits. Yeah, it's kind of great. I kind of liked it when I had it in there. This is the best I felt all day, other than when I did a whip it right when I woke up this morning.

When I work on job sites, you're right. Like there's just a lot of breaks that go on. But I had one project in Maui and this is an island time situation. Oh God, that's the worst. So they would show up to the job site around 10 a.m.

And then around two, they took like an hour and a half lunch. And at two, they're like, we're out for the day. And I'm like, are you fucking serious right now? Like you do a three and a half, four hour work day? You know, I don't know. Honestly, do you know what we should do if you guys want to be billionaires and we could share the Gulfstream? Let's start a company of female contractors. Wow.

That would be a great idea. That, like, get shit done. Yeah. That understand time is our most precious commodity. Yes. Right. Also, we've got a fucking job to do. I don't know how you... I don't know how you deal with the contractors. Drapes. All of that bullshit waiting to come in. Like...

I had a house that I did once. We waited six months for a table to come in from fucking Italy. That bitch was broken the minute they un-raided it. Yes. And I'm like, I would be so happy in a trailer. Right. Drinking fucking, what's that? Cinnamon shit. The red fire. Fireball. Fireball. Fireball butt naked with a fan in front of my fucking muff, you know, and my dogs watching Netflix without somebody trying to enter me. Do you know what I mean? Like somebody signed me up for that.

That'd be easier. In a lot of ways, it'd be easier. So tell us, you recently relocated from New Orleans to New York City. I did, and I've got my farm in Louisiana that I love where I run around. I drive my golf cart naked, and I got my dogs on there and my garden and everything, and I love to go swimming.

But then I got my spot up here. I've had an apartment up here for a couple of years. Okay. But yes, now we've got this showroom open up here and it's pretty fucking amazing. Do you love it? I absolutely love it. I've worked 30 years and eight months for this. Never sucked a dick for money. Okay.

Definitely been thinking about it. Daddy didn't write me a check. Just, you know, luckily she's been selling my artwork. So she's not the only one in the showroom. No, I've got the best collectors ever. And yeah, it's incredible. We were open last weekend for the first time because I was literally like, if we don't pull the vinyl off the windows, I'm going to die.

Right. I'm going to curl up in the fetal position. We'll just do performance art. People will love it. It's, yeah, this is crazy. It's a dream. It's an absolute dream. But one thing I love about you is the women empowerment and how uninhibited you are about that. And we're from the South too. And, you know, we're kind of,

and raised to think you have to get married by this time, you have to have kids at this time, and this is what your life is. Yeah. That's bullshit. And I built my own brand as well. Pumps is a divorce attorney, which is rather interesting. Fuck yes for divorce. Whenever people say they get a divorce, I'm like, congratulations.

You don't often get a fresh start in life. It's a do-over. It's a douching. Yeah. It's a douching. Yeah, you know, I'm not going to sit there and smile and bat my eyes. Right. If I disagree with something, I'm going to say it. And I think the most wonderful thing any of us can have as women is...

financial independence. Totally. You know, whoever gives you money controls you. That's right. And you can be financially abused. Are you kidding me? Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. And a lot of women are trapped in situations where their husband controls everything. Oh, I see it. And the money. And the money. I see it. I see these women that come in and they're, oh my God, they're the most beautiful women you've ever seen. And

You know, they just want like a little small and they've got big diamonds on. They've got a I mean, I know you've got a nine thousand dollar handbag like I see you.

And girl, you've got to go like suck that guy's dick and give him a pinky up to the second knuckle to get a little small. I'm sorry. That is like 96 by 72 territory if you ask me. If you're sucking a dick and giving the pinky, honey, you need to get some art real estate on the wall. Two or three. But I'm also like, or they're like, I'm going to ask my husband. Girl, get a job. Right. Your kids are...

At 15. Like, it's one thing when you have an infant. Right. At some point, your kids go to school. Right. Or I guess even if you homeschool, a lot of moms share that. But, like, you have—I don't know. We have had children, but we've always worked. Goddamn. I will tell you, the most dangerous time and the most dangerous woman I know are the unemployed— Does this have alcohol in it? No. Just water. Upper middle class to upper class housewives. They have—

There's no brain activity going on. So the kids go off to school and the fuckery that goes on, it's really the imaginary problems that are created. Right. They're chronic masturbators. They are. They've got to be. It's actually quite sad. Yeah. But the kids' school, living through their kids. Yeah. And everybody knows if you masturbate more than three times a day, you're just exhausted. People can see it on you.

The dopamine just starts flattening out. Three times is more than enough. Come on. Time management, bitches. Totally. Time management. Get in, get out. Yeah, I don't know. Look, everybody can do whatever the fuck they want. I just know, and I knew very young—

I'm not going to suck somebody's dick to go buy a purse. I'm not going to say, can I go on a trip with my girlfriends? Right. I just go make your own money. I agree. The greatest thing about this country is you can be a goddamn entrepreneur. Right. And it ain't going to be easy. It ain't as easy as a blowjob, I'll tell you that. Maybe I just don't give the right blowjob. No, they're pretty good, I think.

No, mine are terrible, so I know that I was wrong. They're very fast. I promise you, it's literally the best nine seconds of Michael's day. That must be good. Oh, yeah. You get the twist going, you know, just spit on a little bit. I've heard about the twist. You're gagging, moan, and then they're done. When's the last time you gave a blowjob, Pops? Oh, my God. I mean, literally, I would have to say...

Let me think. Come on, Poms. It would be maybe 2004. What about with that married man? No. Did you lick the balls? No. Do you ever lick the balls? No. I ignore the balls. I've never done any of the balls. The balls are just— And I found out about the twisting after my last blowjob. That'll help. Let me tell you something. Gay guys don't do that. Oh, they don't? They don't do the twist? They go full in, deep fucking gag all the time.

All the way to the balls, gagging on that dick. They don't do any of these little girl tricks that we do. Oh, really? Because it's better that way for the receiver? I think so. I would like to do an experiment because I've often wondered—

Could my gay friend tell the difference between a girl's butthole and a guy's butthole? Right. If we had a glory hole, a suck hole, if you will. Right. Yeah. Could they tell if it was me or a dude? And I think if one of my guy friends sucked Michael's dick, and oh my God, I hope his mother isn't going to listen to this. Bye, Lane. I think he would love it.

Not my blowjob. I think that it would blow him away. You think you'd have a lot to go after after that? I do. Well, you know, I was just on Fire Island and I painted 40 dicks in one day. I saw that. Really? Yeah, and I gave them all away. I didn't paint on the dicks. I painted pictures of the dicks. Because I'm working up to that, pumps. It was my first trip to Fire Island. You just don't go painting on dicks the first time you get there. The first time.

But I really learned so much and I, yeah, 80 balls, 40 dicks, five uncut cocks. Really? I've never seen one of her ever run into one of them.

wild. I'd never run into one. And I'm like, wait, wait, wait. Can I see it again? I just don't remember what the hole was. Were they erect or soft? Well, they were soft. But then one of them was like getting kind of hard. He said he was a grower. And I said, baby, you're a grower and a shower. Right. And then he kind of pulled the skin back a little bit. And I like saw, oh, whoa. There's a head and everything. It looks normal. But like,

I have not consciously run into one in the wild. No, I haven't either. Like maybe I did and I didn't know because you know how shit can be sometimes. Right. Yeah. I've gone through that in my head too. Cocaine is a hell of a drug. Just kidding. Just kidding. But I've often wondered that like because they say once they're hard, you don't know the difference. I don't think you would. I don't think you would. I think for the dude, they can feel a lot more when they're uncircumcised. Oh, is that right? Yes. Yes. But apparently like you have to clean that thing.

But I'm like, well, you've got to clean a pussy too. So like, I mean, yeah, wash your fucking dick, bro. I don't know. Get in there with a Q-tip. When you had your sons, I remember you give birth and then they're like, we're going to take the baby away and circumcise him. And there was this moment where I was kind of like,

This seems rather barbaric. Yeah, it is right after. But then they bring it back and then you're so consumed with that. But there is a moment when they take that baby away to clip his little pecker. Yeah. That you think, am I doing the right thing here? Did you have that? Yes, I totally had that because I was like, oh, it's going to hurt him, you know, immediately over mother. But I've heard. You know that shit hurt. It has to hurt. But I've heard that it's going out of fashion, circumcising at birth. I think it is. Yeah. So I think we're going to be able to see more in the future.

I think if you make the baby, you know, like— There's a lot of potential for uncut dicks. Yes. I just think— They're making a comeback. They're making a comeback. For the patriarchy, it's just super important that we continue to talk about cocks as much as possible. I mean, because bless their hearts, people are coming for the patriarchy these days. They've got to have that wittle fee window.

That's why now I talk about my metaphorical cock as much as possible. Right. Yes. You know, just to fit in with the patriarchy. Right. Know that you're equals. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Actually, I'm sitting on my balls right now. Where are your balls right now, Jennifer? Sitting on them. Yeah, me too. What about you? Mine are stuck to the side of my fucking leg because I've been hot. It has been. Now, are you dog-nutted pumps? No.

I don't know what that means. It's when one ball is lower than the other. I know. Like a mother dog. I just got that middle picture of my birth. Yeah. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, I totally know. But I think mine are symmetrical. Yeah. I do. Mine are symmetrical. I'm dog nutted. Are you? I think so. I like it. It's a little different. Yeah, it's bohemian. Right. It goes with your personality. Exactly. Yeah, sometimes I feel like...

I'm in this touchdown club with my son's football team. And so I will blast on the group text something shitty that everybody's talking about but that no one says. And then afterwards, the dads will come up to me in private and be like, oh, my gosh, I'm so sad you said that. And I'm almost like, why do I have the biggest dick in the touchdown club? Because you do. Yeah.

Because you got big tits and you got big dick energy and all those pussy dads. And that is such a puss move to then walk up to you and say, oh, I'm so glad you said that. I'm so glad you said something. And I'm just like, where was your big dick? Nowhere. Yeah, don't talk to me. You know what I mean? God almighty. Oh, the men at sporting events. Yes.

I don't know anything about that. High school, I mean, it's unbelievable. I have nothing to do with any of that at all. I actually only went to sports activities just for the social activity. Right. I don't really care. I think the cheerleaders are super fun to watch. Totally. I always end up watching drunk people in the crowd and then, you know, when everybody yells, I'll just be like, ah! You know, I don't know.

I guess football's already started this year. I don't know. Pumps is really into it. You know, we did a live show in New York City last night. I know you did. It was so fun. And y'all motherfuckers were on the Today Show? Twice. That is so major. It was. It's been fun. It really was. Pumps, she's always, she's only had one wet dream in her entire life. Is that true? That is true. How old were you?

I had kids. I'd say it's about 18 to 20 years ago. Did you have a full-blown orgasm? Full-blown. Was this your post-last blowjob or pre-last blowjob? What's the timeline? Okay, so you gave the blowjob. Then you had the wet dream. But here's the kicker, Ashley. Tell me.

So she had told me that she had this crush on these female basketball player twin ladies. I always thought the wet dream was just with one of the twins. You had a fucking menage a trois with the girls? Yes! Yeah. Well, a woman knows how to make a woman cum. Yeah.

That's hot. I've tangled up with girls. It's fun. I mean, at the end of it all, I'd like to have a big dick, but, you know. That's hot, pumps. Yeah. Did they, like, go down on you in the dream? Did you go down on them? What'd you do? Great question. Did you give them the shocker? I forgot it was a pillow princess. What does that mean?

You tell them because I didn't know what it was until you told me. I'm pushing her. I'm trying to gaslight pumps into being a lesbian. Yeah. Yes. It's a little pet project, side project of mine. We can find you some girls. I know. I actually know a dominatrix that could beat the shit out of you after we record this. I think so.

I think I might be a little bit more daring than I am. Just saying. I'm here to help. Thank you, Ashley. But the pillow princess is pumps. I'm like, what's your hang up? Could you scissor? And she's like, yeah, I could scissor. And I was like, could you let somebody go down on you? And she's like, yeah. Her big hang up is she doesn't think she could go down on a woman. Yeah, you could. That's better than scissoring. Scissoring, that's too athletic. Yeah.

What are you, some like secret yoga queen? My God, I can barely put my socks on in the morning. I can't imagine scissoring. Fuck that. To tell you the truth, I only looked at the definition online and then I like saw the picture and I was like, oh, I think I could do that. The scissoring? I'm probably overestimating my ability. Well, no, when you were telling me about scissoring, I didn't want to say, I don't have any clue what that is. So I Googled it. This could be a great spy project for me to hack into your Google search history. Yeah.

I bet that shit's a gold mine. Oh, I can tell you that it is. I had to look up an acronym the other day. I can't remember what it said. It was like FMH. We got to get that on the list. Hack into pumps is Google search history. I love that. I want in on that. Yeah. I definitely want in on that. But anyway, so I asked Kylie, our producer, she's gay. And I said, is there a space in the lesbian space for a woman that doesn't want to go downtown? And she said, yeah, it's a pillow princess. Yeah.

Yes, but I think you would. I think that sounds selfish, though. But do you drink alcohol? No, not anymore. Oh, God. Do you smoke weed? No. What about whippets? I don't know what that is. Are you sober? Yeah. What's a whippet? Like completely? No Xanax, no melatonin, no nothing? Goddamn, Pumps, but you have liquid death. I do. It looks like I'm getting hammered right here. Yeah. What's a whippet?

What's a whippet? A whippet is nitrous oxide, what they give you at the- Oh, at the dentist's office. I fucking love it. Yeah. Where do you get them? What is it? At gay bars. Yeah, you can get them at gay bars when I was growing up. Are you thinking about poppers? No, I'm thinking about when you spray it on a cloth.

No, girl. That's motherfucking chloroform. What the hell were you doing? No, we used to get it in high school at the gay bars. It was like a canister. It was not just oxide. Are you sure it's not poppers? No, poppers, like you just twist it off the top of a popper, but you sprayed it on something and then inhaled it. You're whipping stuff off a rack? Oh, my God.

Yeah, back in high school and college. That's cool, Pumps. Came out of the vending machine. Pumps, you just get cooler and cooler every time I have a conversation with you. No, you get them and you fill up like a balloon with the air. So just like when you breathe it at the dentist, I figured this is going to be how I get through menopause and everything else because I don't like to take pills and then I'm very compartmentalized because I'm running a company and whatnot. But I'll just do like a whip it and I'm like –

fuck yeah, man. Like, this is so fucking great. And I would just relax and I would just go right to sleep. Really? A whip it before bedtime. Just a whip it. Or maybe right when you wake up or in the middle of the night if you have like a panic attack or something. Yes. Whip it anytime. Whip it anytime. I'm just saying. Whip it good. I did a whip it before I came here today. Ha ha ha.

Where do you get it? From the dentist? You can get it from the dentist. You can order them on Amazon. Oh. Thank you, JeffBasos.com. Pumps, there is nothing worse in the morning than waking up, imagining that coffee hitting my mouth. I mean, I'm literally salivating like Pavlov's dog. Walk to the coffee maker to make said cup of coffee, and then I realize, oh, my God.

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Okay, let's play Had It or Hit It. Okay. Oh my God. Welcome to Had It or Hit It. I would hit it. Had it. I hit it every day, sometimes twice a day. Okay, so Ashley, Had It or Hit It, The South. I just, I've had it for a minute. I've had it for a minute.

Yeah. I'm gooch. I'm up here, man. I'm in New York right now. You're gooch. I'm in the epicenter of the fucking theatrical creative world up here. Like, it's just like, it's unbelievable. I've been in the South my whole goddamn life. And if I have to say anything, I'm tired of fucking sweating. Yes. And I've had it with, like, being from there, having so many great friends there, and now it's abortion ban America. Right. And it's like, you know? I've got to be able to have an abortion when I need it. Yes. Right.

I'm serious, though. I mean, I've had it with that. Yeah, I've had it. I've had it with that. I want to say gay and I want to talk about deep throating things with my gay friends. Yes. And I want to go to drag shows. Yes. I want to be around people that allow people to be who the fuck they are and quit putting ramifications on our lives because of Jesus.

You know? Like, honey, your birth control fails. Go get it cleaned out. Get an abortion. Move on. Have a fucking career. You know what? Yeah, I fucking had it. I've had it with the fucking South. Me too. Yeah, I've had it too. I've had it. I mean, it's just...

Where we live in Oklahoma, the culture wars and the imaginary bullshit that they're drumming up. Meanwhile, a 14-year-old can go buy an AK-47. If she gets raped by her uncle, she's got to have that baby because of Jesus. It's just absolutely ridiculous. Had it. Okay. Had it or hid it. Small titties.

I think small titties would be so great. Oh my God, actually me too. I think they would be so great. Like, ah, I've got some friends and they just have like, they've got the chicest like French girl body. Yes. And just like a little bit of titty with like pretty nipple. And I'm like, they don't get tangled up in their tits. Yeah. They're not, they don't have to put liquid death under their breasts when they come into a podcast with their friends. Yeah.

They don't have sweat rolling down their pussies from their ginormous fucking chest pillows. Oh, I think it would be just delightful to have little titties. I do, too. Our producer, Kylie, has little. Kylie, look at those little titties. Yeah, they're good. I mean, that's the perfect size. Just little mosquito bites. You look at this, like your shirt's coming unbuttoned. Yes, all the time. Shirt's unbuttoned. Or do you, when you eat, if you're eating soup or something, do you look down and there's always a drop on the boobs? Yeah, girl, it's a soup shelf. Yeah.

It's a soup kitchen, really. Yeah, no shit. Okay, hat it or hit it. People that watch videos, either like an Instagram reel, TikTok, or YouTube, on their phone, in public, full volume up, no AirPods. No, hat it. You don't do that. It's tacky. It's tacky.

If I hear somebody do it and they're like, I'm sorry, forgiven. Right. Absolutely. But, yo, put in your earphones or put that shit on mute. Right. Yeah. Send the video to yourself and watch it later. I just, look, we're all Southern. That's rude. I agree. That is rude. That's rude. Walking around with your metaphorical cock out is not rude. No.

Okay, putting liquid death under your titties in public is not, or doing whippets, but listening, listening, uh-uh. No, that's just so tacky. It's awful. It's just awful. I agree. Emily Post would hate that fucking shit. She would hate that. She would. Okay, had it or hid it, granny panties.

You're talking to somebody that sleeps in Michael's underwear. Oh. Oh. Let me tell you, I have waged war on underwear, including the thong. Oh, me too. I believe we talked about this before. I will not have something punishing my asshole all day long when I'm trying to make critical decisions about my life. Yeah.

Granny panties are fucking great. I like to wear these little boy shorts because I wear all these short little dresses and then I can kick and bend and stretch and I don't have to worry about my pussy hanging out. Right. I don't have granny panties, but I've got like, have you liked these little skim shorts? Yes. They're fucking great. Yes. And you can wear them under everything and I love them. I'm just going to say...

I love granny panties. Here's what I think we should unite and do. We need to band together to bring back granny panties and uncircumcised cocks. This is what the three of us, this could be our platform. Right. Bring back granny panties, bring back uncircumcised cocks. My metaphorical cock I just decided is absolutely uncut. Absolutely uncut.

It is uncaught. It looks like that thing on Star Wars that came up out of the garbage thing. Like, that is what my cock looks like. It's giant. I love it. And then you tuck that thing up in your granny panties. Goddamn right I do. That's right. Goddamn right I do. Right there by your pussy. That's right. Yeah, that ain't a fupa. That's a cock, motherfucker. Now why won't they let me on the Today Show?

It is funny, though. Everywhere they'll be like, we have these big corporate meetings and stuff, and they'll go, well, you know, we just love your work, but also like, pfft.

you know, you can't curse. And I'm like, yeah, duh. Right. Like I've done all these huge things, but like I would prefer to, but I am able. Of course. To not talk about cock or pussy or anything. I just, I don't enjoy it. But I can do it. The patriarchy. I know. I know. Okay. Had it or hit it. Birkin bags.

I don't have a Birkin bag. I have the HAC. I have the massive ones that they first, you know, they would put on the back of the horses. Yes. I just think they're more dramatic. They're super heavy, so there's lots of, like, grunting and carrying on about how big it is. It's so big you can get your assistant to carry it. You're just like, I've got this bag so big, I just, I can't even carry it myself. It's just awful. Listen, it's a status symbol.

It's a rite of passage. I think once you make enough money to go get one, you realize this is just another goddamn purse. Right. This Birkin bag ain't going to make you happy. That Birkin bag ain't going to eat your pussy. That Birkin bag ain't going to eat your pussy.

That Birkin bag ain't gonna get you a Gulfstream or bring you a roast beef sandwich in bed while you watch Netflix. Like, that bag ain't gonna do shit but sit in the closet. And I also think it's a symbol to make other women feel inferior if they don't have one. Yeah. Right. That's just the United States and how the game works here. Right. I agree. Okay. Had it or hid it, lesbian wet dreams. Hot. Hot.

It's so hot. No, I hit that 100%. I'm all for it. Why not? Why not? Why not? I mean, there's so many boundaries on people exploring their sexuality, and it just completely stems from religion. Yes. You know, if you as a person are attracted to someone and you feel some kind of thing, my God. Hit it. Carpe fucking Diem. Hit that shit. Rub one out, sister. Yeah.

Are you a squirter, Pumps? No. Oh, well, maybe you could be. I could be. You might need a rubber sheet and you don't even know it. We can get a new sponsor on this show, Liquid Death, the official drink of squirters in America, brought to you by rubber sheets designed by you and tested out by Pumps. Oh.

Quality approved. I'm telling you, I think you can help me with this gaslighting her to the lesbianism. I think it's been the missing component. Because I have terrible taste in men, but I have great taste in women. Have you ever French kissed a woman? No. I'm pumped. I grew up Southern Baptist. Did you go through a slutty lesbian phase? I didn't go through a lesbian phase. Really? I've been with Josh forever. Oh. I mean, it's pretty great. Is it? Yes. Okay, maybe I'll try it. But you may want a big dick at the end, in which case you could get pegged. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Pums, I want you to do what you need to do. I mean, carpe fucking diem, queen. I need to. Do you want to go to a lesbian bar? Yeah, I'd get a lesbian bar. I love. Let's go. I know one called the Cubby Hole in the West Village. Oh, I love that. It would be fun. That's a great name. Okay, here's our last one. Had it or hid it.

Backpacks and purses for Stanley Cups. No. No. Thank you. No, no, no. Thank you. I almost can't even discuss that. Two of my friends were here last week and they both had Stanley Cups and I was like, I'm not walking out in public with you with that fucking thing. Why are you hauling this? What are you about to go camping? What the fuck are you doing? I agree. Are you getting Aerosmith tickets out of fucking Madison Square Garden? They're awful.

I do not haul around receptacles for liquids. I don't like backpacks. I don't do backpacks. I lived in Montana. We had receptacles called canteens when we went fucking camping. But we put bourbon in them like a normal fucking human. Yeah.

I would feel better about the Stanley Cups if there was alcohol in there, I guess. I think some people do. It's just on the down low. She has to take her Stanley Cup everywhere. I've seen you. I know you do. I forgive you, but if you can go down on a Stanley Cup, sweetie, you can handle a pussy. I believe in you, Pumps. Thank you, Ashley. I think she can, too. Go down low.

No, she drops that thing. You know, it's metal. And it sounds like a goddamn gun went off. It's horrible. I'm going to tell you something. I really, really love the water receptacles. My hope is that she finds a really bougie lesbian that whips her right into shape. Because I've only been able to take it so far. Right. And I need to pass you on to a great lover that will handle the Stanley Cup situation. You inviting everybody on the iCal for your dance off. But can I say something? Can I say something?

Maybe at this point you find a wonderful partner, a lesbian partner, and maybe they don't want to fucking have sex.

Maybe all they want to do is just have a companion. You guys could cook stuff, go for walks, watch movies, travel, do fucking whippets. Maybe you don't have to always be fondled or interred or messed with. Do you know what I'm saying? It might be great. I feel like men are insatiable because they're constantly making new sperm. We're born with our eggs. I mean, it gets to a point where it's just like –

Hey, you know, if you want to get some of this, I'm just going to roll over. I will be on my phone if that's all right. Help yourself. Help yourself. It's like a buffet. Yeah, maybe. Maybe you wouldn't really even have to have sex because I can kind of be asexual at times. Yeah. Well, you could still be a chronic masturbator on the side. Well, obviously. It might be easier. Well, Ashley, we cannot thank you enough.

I mean, it's, we love you. I love you guys. It's such a treat. It's your second time. Fabulous, fabulous. I've had it. Every reverent humor. Yeah. The big titties, that big cock. Yeah. Uncircumcised cock. Thank you. It's giant. Yeah. It really is.

All of our cocks could unite. We could play swords. Yes, we absolutely could. Oh, exactly. We could sword fight. Listener, thank you for joining Big Tits and Big Cock and me in the big city. And look up our hot shit tour on our link in bio. Go follow us on Patreon. Join our documentary club. And Pumps, tell them, see you next Tuesday or Thursday or both. Yeah.

We'll see you next Tuesday. You're totally a lesbian, Tom. Two sisters, one a respected TV producer, the other was disabled, nearly blind and deaf. Jill and Wendy Blackstone lived together, rescued dogs together. Jill was her best friend, her sister, her everything. But the sister bond was broken the day Wendy and three rescue dogs were found dead

in a garage next to a toppled over barbecue grill. Jill said accidental carbon monoxide poisoning killed her sister and the dogs. Detectives don't believe her. Police arrested Jill Blackstone for the murder of her sister. Investigators think it was staged to look like an accident. So what happened? A source has come forward with evidence never made public before, revealing the dark story

of why Wendy Blackstone really died. She was a good producer. There's no doubt about that. But would she produce murder is the question. Season two of Bad, Bad Thing, The Blackstone Sisters, available October 4th, wherever you get your podcasts.