Just B Dating: A Good Sense of Self with Matchmaker Greta Tufvesson of The Bevy
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Today, we're speaking with Greta from the Bevy, an elite matchmaking service based in LA and New York City. Hi, Bethany. How are you? Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Let me just expand my screen here so I can see you. You look nice and rested from your vacation. Oh, thank you. Thank you. So you have a partner and you're matchmakers, right? Correct. Okay. How long have you been doing this? I've been doing this for almost a year.

Almost 14 years now. And the business is called what? The Bevy, right? The Bevy. The Bevy. Okay. What does that mean? Where did that come from? The name came from, I wanted to create a name that wasn't so sort of cupids and fluffy and clouds and all those things. I wanted something a little edgier, a little bit more modern. And also sort of the idea of a house or a club, even though we don't do anything social. So just a group.

similar to, you know, private clubs or something like that. So bevy means like a bevy of beauties. That's really where it's stemmed from. Okay, and...

From my perspective, it seems like your business is more niche and more like Barney's than commercial. Like it doesn't feel like if I were to Google matchmaking or high end matchmaking or something like that, I don't know that your name would come up. Not unlike what you're saying, like a private club. So is there a difference to the brand? Are you smaller? Do you have fewer clients? Do you charge more like?

And I know that your business, you represent the men, the men are the paying clients, right? Correct, yes. Okay, so what about my...

or how I see it. Is that correct or no? I think that's a pretty perfect analogy. I would say where it's boutique shopping versus department store shopping. So I would go even on a smaller scale than Barney's, I would say. It's like even more exclusive. But Barney's is a good example, sure. And so...

And so how many people are you servicing at the same time? Is that how it works? Like you'd say we won't take more than this and we charge more because we're giving them, you know, more of a private school service versus public, like more attention per client.

I think, you know, we're a very high touch service. And just like when you're shopping in a boutique, you want to know the people that you're working with and then they get to know your taste and it becomes this personal connection and sort of a service where you feel like, or even at a restaurant, when you know the waiter or the hostess or the bartender, there's this like sense of comfort.

And we wanted people to have that feeling. So we do limit our clients. We work for the men. We take up to about 25 clients at once. So it's very low volume, but very high touch. Okay. So you're really curating this experience. And now we can get into why that would make you an expert. What's the target audience that your client is? Like the man is what age to what age? What's the youngest client?

Really? I mean, you might have someone in their 20s, but what's really the range? I would say, you know, sure, we've had clients in their 20s, but I'd say it starts around

35. We do have some like young, successful men recently that have had a lot of success at a younger age, but I'd say on average, it's about between 35 and 55. And now actually it really varies. It's gone up into the sixties and seventies recently. And then there are other times where we see there's a lot of younger men. We try to fill the gaps and, and

you know, have a good variety of men because obviously we want to service them and give them, you know, consistency. And if you have seven 55 year olds, they're all competing with each other with the women you're going to find. Correct. Okay. So like, let's say what sweet spot is like 48, 52, like the 50. That's like what? Cause I would imagine someone has to have disposable income. They've made some money. Right.

I would say, yeah, I would say on the older half, it's probably mid-50s. And on the younger half, it's late 30s, early 40s. Okay. So what are you finding that is a really common thread that men want? What do men want? I would say a good sense of self. So a woman who knows who she is, who's independent, meaning that she has her own friends, she has her own goals, she has her own passions, right?

I think they want intellectual stimulation, but I think the good sense of self is super important. Understanding who they are, what they want, what they like, what they don't like. I think it also depends...

on the stage of dating. So I could break it into two parts. It's the people who are just starting and want to build a family and do all that. And then there's the people starting their second or third chapter where they're divorced with kids. And it's a totally different ballgame kind of because...

you know, maybe religion or, you know, trying to start a family that's not as important in that second chapter of life because you've already done it. Right. In both stages, I think a good sense of self is important and not to be, you know, lost or not to sort of piggyback. I feel like men really want a woman who is like confident and

Well, this is very, very interesting because I've heard from different matchmakers different things. And I like when there's something new because we can add a toolkit. We've talked about compatibility with one person. We've talked about an energy match, which is really different. And then tools for when you're dating. But often, I think...

I have not had a problem meeting men in my life. And I've sometimes surprised myself because I've said to myself as I've gotten older, wow, this is going to be harder now. And what I always come back to in my mind, but I'm not, I haven't generalized it as much as you. What I've come back to is that I've done well because I have my own career and my own independence and my own, frankly, money. But you're making it something that's,

interesting because it may not be someone could be working in charity. Someone could be a yoga teacher. Someone may not have my financial resources or the level of my career, but if they have a strong sense of self, which I also do have like someone meaning they have their own identity, their own program. And I find that a lot of women are,

want to fold into a man's program. And while that might seem attractive to a man in the beginning, because obviously who doesn't want their way or the highway, they may not respect that. And it also goes the other way, in my opinion, with women, with men, some men just like fold into fold into a woman's program. I think it goes on both sides, but for a woman, it's particularly important because traditionally women seem to want to get the ring, get the dress, get the whole thing. And like,

just be home waiting for the man. And I think that that's where someone loses themselves. And something else I wanted to discuss. Yeah, you said sense of self and I'm saying women lose themselves. And what I have found without getting into detail is I have met a strong, a staggering percentage of men that I have met that have been interested in me who have custody of their children because the wife is

started, you know, getting into things that maybe they shouldn't have gotten into and lost themselves and have made poor decisions in their own lives. And as a result, the men have custody. And I've, in my mind, seen this in a lot of suburban communities with bored housewives. They lived everything for their husband and then they get bored and maybe they're drinking, maybe they're partying, maybe they want to get a little action. And

It's crazy how that that pendulum swings a woman who seems like she's on top of the world when they meet her and then she dissolves or deteriorates. And I think what you're saying that's that's about purpose. That's about self. And I think it's very interesting what you're talking about.

And I think it's also not only just losing your sense of self and someone like your husband or vice versa, but also just trying to be something that you're not. And that we see that again. So, you know, someone else's life or being like having no identity or good sense of self and just being like that woman over there. Well, what you're saying, I've heard too. I heard I was speaking to a very wealthy man who was married to this woman who's been married multiple times. And he said,

She's the woman. You were out with her. You said you were into lacrosse. She was into lacrosse. You were into, you know, football on Sundays. She was into football on Sundays and chicken wings. Like she would fold into what you wanted her to be because she wanted,

to lock the man. Yeah. But that, how long can you go on with that? Because it's back to what you're saying. And I just think the self thing is really fascinating and simple. It's simple. It's maybe not simple for someone to find themselves because people don't even know who they are sometimes, but to at least be honest, even if you are flawed or having problems or struggling to be honest and live in that without being a train wreck, I would say.

Yeah. And you just have to ask yourself, I think, you know, when you're looking for love and dating and even when you're in a relationship, it's just asking yourself the right questions and, you know, to do that a lot, you know, connecting with yourself, like, well, what makes you happy? What makes you feel safe? What make, you know, what brings you happiness? Well, we've talked about someone being a full person on their own before wanting to look for a relationship. And often, you know,

Someone gets out of a relationship or someone's getting older or is living in fear and wants to make it happen and rush. And you end up making poor decisions because you don't have your own strong identity and sense of self, to your point. And I think that I see a lot of rushing and I think

I've done it's I don't want to say rushing, but you see something great and you go to the mall, you see something great and you're just like, OK, I'll take that. And versus like being patient. So it's a ridiculous thing to say how long should it take? Someone could meet someone at the dry cleaner today and fall in love. But do you feel that it's a it's a time consuming process to really find what you're looking for and that you're seeing that people do have the tendency to rush?

For sure. I think everyone likes the comfort of being in a relationship. You know, there's a wedding coming, there's a vacation you want to have that person to bring often. There's some people who are just not comfortable being alone. They don't like the time to themselves. And I think if you're a person like that, you should definitely work on it because it's important.

you know, to reflect in your own sort of environment and your own thoughts. And especially if you're getting out of a relationship and wanting to get into another one, you have to take the time to reflect and be alone. And even if you meet someone and you're like, spinning head over heels, I think don't put

All your eggs in one basket. Like, really take the time and maybe give yourself an internal timeline. Say, I'm going to give this, you know, I'm going to date for three months and not commit to anyone solely. And then maybe I'll narrow it down. That's amazing because I took months to just, like, heal and do therapy. And it doesn't, it could be longer than six to eight months. Who knows? But then once the clock starts and you decide you're going to date, I also said to myself, okay,

I was going to take a certain period of time to not, you know, to have the burners going, the multiple Viking burners going, I call it something on boil, something on simmer or take everything off. And sometimes you feel like you're not driving someone, you meet someone and they're love bombing you or like, they want you to lock it down or make a decision because they are. And I think that takes some self-discipline too, to the, to the point, like to sort of just be clear about,

with someone where you are in your process because you're not afraid that you're going to lose that. Like you want to, you know what I mean? Being not afraid that you'll lose them if you don't commit right away. And you, I think it just, it's,

telling them that. Say, I really like you and I don't want to lose you, but I'm not ready to take it to that level right now. I just want you to know that it's not because I dislike you or don't think that you're great for me. I just, I can't move into that phase at this very moment. So either they can respect that or they say, I'm sorry, I have to move on because I want to move to that level with someone. And you know what? Say okay, because they might come back. You never know.

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Well, that's an interesting thing, too, that it seems like many matchmakers, as much as they want to make a match, they also seem to want someone to really play the field. And what does that mean? Does that mean...

You know, filler guys like is there such a thing as just go out with them and have a good time, even if it's not going to be something or or can someone not emotionally handle that? Does every person that someone's going out with have to be a possibility? Like recently, there was someone that was very interested in me and I just didn't think that it was the right fit.

And I believe that you have to take responsibility not only for your own feelings, but if you find that someone else is a good or kind person for theirs also, and to like cut them loose, not let them, I call it twisting in the wind. Like be honest about it versus just sometimes playing the field can be insensitive. I think in the beginning, if you just met someone and they're a perfect stranger, if they do something that you don't love and it feels like it's not a fit, you don't have to worry about the bedside manner. But I do think in the dating world,

process, you know, so I'm asking you about those like sort of in between purgatory men that you're not sure. But I mean, you're supposed to just like have someone that seems convenient or it's supposed to be only quality versus quantity.

I think, again, I think if you've just gone through a breakup, maybe you take that time before you retire or join a service like ours. I think it's important to, you know, explore and have some fun and do whatever it is you need to do for you. And then once you move into this, you know, outlet, I think then it's about finding the right person. And like you said, not stringing them along if it's not a good fit. Yeah.

So when we take our clients on and we are setting up people, it is with intention and it is with, you know, a lot of thought. And in the beginning, you know, there might be some trial and error because it's just like when you hire a trainer or anything and they sort of need to get to know your body, just like we need to know your taste, emotions, all these things. But we are really thoughtful about people we're introducing both are

Our members are female members and our male clients do because we don't want to waste their time and it just creates more work for us. So it should take a while in life. And the thing is, I think so. I've advised businesses and some people can't afford a publicist and explain to them how to be their own publicist. And, you know.

I don't have an agent. Most people at my level in entertainment that get the kind of deals I get have an agent, but we do it ourselves. So I and I also went through a 10 year horrendous divorce and I ended up with primary custody and no child support. And I was largely responsible for that because in many ways I became my own lawyer within, you know, with the support of my lawyers. So the reason I say all that is not everybody can afford custody.

Right.

I've seen the ones that are supposed to be higher end and then people are sort of posing. So how do you feel in 2024 someone is supposed to do this and navigate this on their own? And how deep does the research need to be? Like what are some tools you would say for being your own matchmaker? I think, listen, I think the apps are great.

you know, invention and outlet for people. I think there's a lid for every pot. And if that's what you want to use, if that's the only thing you can use, because maybe you're an introvert, you live in, you know, there's no restaurants, who knows? I mean, there's so many different reasons that people use them. And I think it's so wonderful in so many ways. But I also think that it can be incredibly effective

you know, a lot of false information, a lot of fake, you know, like just leading people on, never meeting, catfishing. And I think it's also, it's a lot of work. So I think anyone who has access to people and friends and other resources should use those. And it's really just going back to like,

you know, what you did in the past. Ask your friends if they have any single friends. Ask your married friends if they have any single friends. You know, join a tennis team. You know, chess club. Go on a trip by yourself. Go to a city that you've never been to and sit at the bar and, you know, just be present instead of playing on your phone the whole time. I think there's so many ways you can meet people.

And, you know, you sort of when you do that, you sort of exude this energy in this way, like I'm willing to be approached, which is so infrequent these days because everyone's attached to their devices. So I think it's important to use the other outlets as well, unless you have no other option that is.

How are you finding? Well, how will you really represent the men? So how are they finding you? How are you finding them? Are you seeking? Are the men seeking you out? Are you sometimes seeing? Well, this guy seems eligible. He's single. I want to work with him. Like, how does that work?

So most of the time we're not seeking out the men, they're coming to us. And they've heard about us through a friend, through a girlfriend, through, you know, a colleague, so many ways. We don't advertise, so it's through a referral base. There's editorials on us. So I would say five to 10% find us through reading an article or listening to a podcast. But I would say most people come

to us through a referral. And the only time that I would say we reached out to them is if, you know, someone feels uncomfortable or doesn't have the confidence or doesn't feel like they might need us because a friend has told them to reach out. So they'll give us their email or phone number and we'll reach out to them.

Now, why do you only represent, oh, first of all, how many women are in your stable? So you said like 20 men. How many women are in your stable? So we've, I mean, now after many years, I mean, we have thousands of women. It doesn't mean that everyone necessarily goes out.

So the women pay no fee. They have to go through our process, which is extensive to a certain extent, I would say. We have certain prerequisites, and you also have to have an in-person interview. We have to talk about your criteria and what you're looking for, but there are no guarantees. Mm-hmm.

So you said that many women and what your reason was for choosing to represent men and not women, like primarily and have them as clients. Sure. And that reason was purely a supply demand. You know, when I started the business with Nikki, my business partner, we just had a larger network of women than men. So the idea came from, you know, it stemmed from my single girlfriend's

being 30 years old now, I'm almost 45, saying, you know, how do I meet men now? This was in 2009 before the apps even existed. And there was, you know, we were all on Blackberries and, you know, Match.com, eHarmony and Shady were just scratching the surface, but none of my friends would have been on them because it was so, it had such a bad stigma at that time. Yes, yes. Now it's so much more accepted, which is great. But it stemmed from

We weren't going to nightclubs. We weren't really meeting people at bars. And what guy hadn't one of our friends dated or whatever it was.

And then the competitors, the market, I did market research. There was nothing out there that was really, I felt, that was really sophisticated and edgy. Nothing that my friends would have or my network would have gravitated towards. So I wanted to create something that my people would say, okay, this actually feels more like my taste.

And at the time, to answer your question, you know, my network of, you know, I'm 2930. I just had a larger network of women. So I felt like I didn't want to service both parties because then I was just trying to fill a quota. If I was charging both sides, then I had to work for both sides. And if you're just charging one, then you're working for him. And then you can get a larger number on the other side.

Wow. OK. And so what are you finding that women are doing wrong the most on these dates? You're getting the thing is you are an interesting person to interview because you're getting the feedback from the men. So it's not a mixed bag here, which. Yes. But do the women feel like they're as comfortable to like complain? Aren't they excited because they're not paying you? I mean, the men are more of the picky customers, right? Or the women are fully like telling you what they think?

They're fully telling us what they think. Okay, so let's do both. All right, great. So let's go with the men first who are paying customers. What's the range of money? Is there a range or it's one flat fee? No, there's the range.

I could talk about it. We charge about $40,000 to $60,000 and that's for a year contract. Okay. We have offered trials in the past because we want to give this opportunity to people who might not have the means for a lower cost. So we have done that as well. I love that. We need to do a dating. We need to do a dating, a matchmaking charity. Yeah. Totally. Pro bono. People gift it to like...

Business partners, brothers. That's smart. It's a good gift. Christmas list, everybody. Hanukkah list. Okay. So what are men saying? They come back from the date. Give me the top three to five things that they're coming back and saying that you're hearing often that you just wish women... Is it they're drinking too much? They didn't have manicures? Like, what is it? I would say in the most recent experience, it's less about the physical stuff because I think...

We've become even pickier about who we let into the membership. So being polished is super important for us, especially when on a date. It's like put your, you know, come as your best self.

That's exactly what another matchmaker said. So now ladies who are listening, we're getting like we have like themes. We must listen. Said that a man wants a woman that looks like she made an effort. Does she smell good? Did she look like she just that's OK. So you're saying put your best foot forward. So. All right. So sorry. So what are men complaining about?

I think sometimes, and this goes for both sides, that the other party is not asking enough questions about them, you know, whether it's their past or their goals or asking the wrong questions. I think on both sides, often, you know, people need to be more thoughtful about what they're asking their date if they care. I think, you know,

What do you do for work? And like, what are your hobbies? Like that's kind of just surface layer. I think it's important people think about the deeper questions and

to see if there's really a connection there. That's interesting. Yeah. That's an essence, someone's essence versus just the checking the boxes. Yeah. I think in our business, you know, we tell each party a lot about the person before they actually meet, but they don't. And so they know the sort of foundational stuff. Yeah.

But then that first date is really to ask about whatever you want to talk about. And maybe it's something we've told them what their favorite book is. And they said, you know, it's interesting. I can't believe that's your favorite book. I read it and I didn't get that sense or I didn't feel that way. Why did you like it so much? Whatever it may be.

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We'll be right back.

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Not very much. I would say everyone is educated, accomplished, successful in their own right. And that doesn't mean they have to have millions of dollars in the bank, but they do have to be, I would say, doing something that they care about.

And you can, you know, you can be a successful writer. It doesn't mean you're necessarily making a lot of money. So I think, you know, we do believe in chivalry. So I do believe if you are on a date, you know, man, woman, the man should pay. I do. I do too. It's never really come up for us. So we don't have that problem.

I think, you know, I've worked with doctors and yes, they've gone to medical school and they're in a ton of debt, but you know, their idea is to pay them off. So it doesn't come up that often. It really doesn't. I think it's more about just, I think, intellectual curiosity. So the questions that they're asking, are they really interested in each other? I think it's about not being distracted and really being present. So someone might say, well,

The women might complain that, you know, the guy was on his phone the whole time. And then he tells me, I'm sorry, I was closing a deal. I should have, you know, I didn't want to move the date because that was rude, but I had to answer these questions. So it's like, that's hard. I think...

Women complain maybe more about the dress and the physical than the men. But men might just feel like a woman is not engaged, that she's sort of drifting or looking over his shoulder to see who else is coming in. So it's really about, I think, the presence of someone. Are they engaged in the conversation at the time?

It's funny that you brought up the thing about the deal. Like years ago, I remember showing up at a door and a guy like putting his finger up, like wait one minute and then being on a 20 minute phone call. And he went in the other room and he didn't know that I left. I was 10 blocks away and he called and couldn't believe it. He called the person who set us up and was aghast. And I was like, yeah, no, we're not. I mean, it was so incredibly rude. But I had that happen recently with a very successful man where he had something going on at work and he was super stressed out about it.

And he proceeded to talk about it. He was staying in town for the weekend at a hotel nearby, and he proceeded to talk about it the entire weekend. And I call that inside baseball. Like, it'd be like me talking about a social media post that I got in trouble for or a brand deal or something that, like, is so inside baseball that you can't be—how narcissistic can you be to think that the other person's going to be, like, homophobic?

hooked in when they just met you the whole entire weekend. Like we're in like we're a couple and we're both invested in this deal going down. So I think that that's an interesting one because people get inside their head and think that what they think is interesting, the other person is invested in. Yeah.

You're so right. And that can happen often. And that's what's so beneficial of having a person like me or, you know, my team in the background so we can give you that feedback. And they're like, oh, I didn't even realize I was doing that or whatever it may be. How much is someone wrong about their gut instinct about what they think of someone? I didn't like him. He seemed rude. He seemed whatever. And then they go back in and they were wrong or is usually someone's first instinct correct?

I always say if you have any inkling, like any feeling at all to go on a second date, even if it's like, you know what? He's not going to be right for me because of this and that. But he was really cute and he's actually very charming and we had fun. But no, no, no. Then I'm like, no, you have to give it a second chance. Oh, OK. Unless it was like a hard no, like a guttural no. You're saying give it a second chance. Why? I think so. Yeah.

I think because first dates are hard and you don't know what's happened that day or what's going on in their life, really, because you're both sort of sitting there and just meeting each other for the first time. And I think it's important to give someone a second chance because it's a date and it is important to them. But

I don't know, maybe they didn't get enough sleep the night before and they're not trying to make that excuse, but they're there and they showed up and they want to spend time with you, but they're just not their best self. Good.

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