Foxy Knoxy Book, Kim K's New Man, Kids Swim Lessons
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Hello and welcome to another episode of Telling Everybody Everything. It is Saturday, the 5th of April. I'm in a hotel in Manchester. This is my third long weekend away and

And I'm glad to be back in London next week. I'm back at the Palladium for three days, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, next week. I think that's the 10th, 11th, 12th, if you want to come. And then we have a little bit of time off for Easter, and that's going to be so much fun. I have been just handling all the follow-up for the melanoma just recently.

waiting for the histology back was really peaceful actually because I knew that after the second removal,

everything from that area would be gone. And it was confirmed as gone. And I have to say that the plastic surgeon who did the second removal at Cadogan Clinic in South Kensington was fantastic. I really like that clinic. It is private. It's really fancy when you go in, they give you a little Biscoff cookie with your coffee or your tea. And it's like one of those places. But

that is what I had to do to get the job done. And I don't

fully understand what is offered in terms of private care and NHS care. I assumed it was largely the same care. It's just that some people pay to go private. Anytime I've seen a private doctor, that doctor has worked in the NHS during the week, and then they'll have like a one day private clinic for people who don't want to wait for the NHS and want to pay them. But these doctors are so busy. They work like six days a week.

But I was connected with an oncologist who's like really, really clever. He's also a medical entrepreneur. And he gathers loads of colleagues to do research and to find like groundbreaking cures for things. So I'm not sure if what he recommended I have is also available on the NHS.

I don't really see why it wouldn't be. It's just then, you know, the government is paying for that treatment rather than private treatment. I don't know even exactly what it's called. But basically, I have had MRIs, I have had ultrasounds that show a few lesions like in places on my body that we think are non-cancerous. They're benign. There's something specifically in my liver called a benign hemangioma, which is something that 20% of people have from birth to

And they're not worried about it. But just like in terms of follow up, this oncologist was like, well, we have with this company developed an amazing test. It's a DNA test that, oh God, I'm just not smart enough to explain science. But like my understanding is it can test tumors and it can test your blood and it can test your DNA, right?

for exactly what type of cancer you may have or what type of cancer gene like I may have a melanoma gene. And I don't know what they can do with that information. I think there are some medications to turn that gene off.

But equally, they do in vitro testing on your specific DNA. So in vitro, I used to think just was IVF, like in vitro fertilization. But in vitro literally means in glass. So they take your DNA and they put it in glass and they use a variety of treatments on the specific DNA.

that you have, and it will show what works best for you. So I think with normal cancer, now, just to be clear, I don't need any other treatments at the minute. We're just doing like investigative preventative stuff. It's a little trial and error before they land on the thing that works for you or for that specific person.

type of cancer that you're dealing with. But when they do the in vitro testing, they do that outside of you. So they try different treatments, and then they realize what's the most successful. And then if you need a treatment, they just give you that one, they go straight to that one. So that saves you time. And also your body's not being weakened by like different types of, you know, medicine or radiation that aren't going to be effective for you or for that specific type of cancer.

That is my understanding of this test. Do I know the name of the test? No. And I do know the name of the company. But again, I don't want to say it because I just, I don't know. I feel bad like naming things and companies and people, especially because I'm going to tell you now how much it costs.

It may be free on the NHS. I don't know. But this company, they were so amazing. They were so just really attentive right away. I got an email right after my meeting with the oncologist from the patient coordinator who was like, we are going to do this DNA test. We just have to take some of your blood and we're going to send someone to your house to get it. And I was like, perfect, because I'm traveling a lot. My schedule's really busy.

So I'm waiting for this appointment. Actually, I wasn't waiting. The guy on 9.15 in the morning, I think it was a Wednesday morning, shows up 15 minutes early, an absolute hunk at my door, like a very well-dressed, young, selling sunset type of just like very handsome man, very charming, very nice. And he had Tim Hortons with him.

And I thought, where did you find a Tim Hortons? Like this is a popular Canadian coffee chain. I was not aware that there was one anywhere near my house. And he was just so kind and charming. He's like, hi, I'm here for the appointment. And I've brought you Tim Hortons. And I was like, that is so nice of you. I am allergic to Tim Hortons. But like, what a gesture. Like how nice to see a little slice of home at my door. A handsome young man carrying a bag of Timbits. Love to see it.

It's like the beginning of some type of Canadian porno film. But I usher him in. He sits down at the table. We discuss the dogs. It's always something people talk about when they first come in the house. This guy took his shoes off without being asked. He does live with Canadian flatmates. That's how he knew about the Tim Hortons. That's how he knows about the shoes. British people, there aren't enough podcast episodes in the day for me to tell you that you've got to take your shoes off. For me to remind you

about the motherfucking plague and all of the spit and shit and disease that are out on your streets that are wet 10 months of the year, just take your shoes off. So this guy, absolute gem. I love him straight away. And I don't mean in a sexual way whatsoever. I'm like a very happily married older woman. He was like in his 20s, just like a very polished,

lovely looking guy is what I'm trying to tell you because this is setting off alarm bells in my head. I'm going, what's happening here? Like how much is this going to cost me today? Because it's very rare that you get a phlebotomist with that kind of swag. So I thought, okay, this is a very upscale operation. Fine. And then he sits down and I noticed he took out a laptop, but he wasn't taking out any like blood equipment, no needles, nothing.

No, like sterilizing wipes, nothing. He's just like very comfortably sat there and we're chatting and I was apologizing because this kitchen is always like a disaster right after the school run. Bobby had just disappeared with Fred and found out to take them to nursery. They go to nursery three mornings a week and the kitchen was like a bomb site. So I'm tidying it up, just chatting with this guy. And I was thinking, just take my blood and go like nice guy. But I was like, let's get this over with what's happening.

So then he goes, oh, the phlebotomist is not here yet. I said, the phlebotomist is not here yet. Then who are you? He goes, well, I am the account manager. And that's when I knew, oh God, as soon as they sent an extra body, superfluous hunk to your home, I said, this is going to cost me at least two grand now. So the doorbell rings. Phlebotomist shows up on a bike. This is a guy who's another really nice polished guy, but he's like giving phlebotomist. You know what I mean? As soon as he walks in, he says very little.

He acknowledges the dogs, he gets out the equipment and I can see that he's prepared to take my blood. So I'm like, good, good, good. I just keep chatting to everyone. Bobby comes back from the nursery school run and the original guy, the account manager, I'm like, oh yeah, so how did you get into this industry? He's like, well, I used to work for pharmaceutical companies. I was like, oh God. He's like, I used to work for Pfizer. I'm like, Bobby, Bobby, there's a wolf in the garden, like trying to distract my husband who has a pharmaceutical trust issues.

And anyway, it was a great experience. The phlebotomist took my blood quickly. I wrapped things up with the very handsome account manager. Everyone looked after me very well. Great experience. He's like, we're going to FedEx this today and you'll get your results soon. They leave. Just a blood test. I've had a hundred million blood tests in my life at the house. And then seconds later into my inbox, I get the bill. Six grand, 6,000 pounds for the blood test.

And I thought, oh God, I knew, I knew that selling Sunset Hunk was too premium. And I showed Bobby and that was my biggest mistake of the day. He was like, what? He goes, a blood test. And I just thought, you know what though, Bobby, if it saves your life, then that's very little. And I just think you can't be too careful with this stuff. Like I'm very lucky to have access to this kind of thing. So what is that going to come back with? Me don't know. Me don't know.

But I mean, what an experience. Really cool. Wish I didn't have to do it, but actually I do. And if you are undergoing any type of cancer investigations or treatments and you're doing that through the NHS, I think ask your NHS doctor if they do genetic testing in vitro, genetic testing to see what type of treatment is right for you before trying all these treatments on you, not knowing, like throwing darts at a dartboard or

And again, forgive me, I don't really know how it works. But just something to think about something I didn't know before I did it. And now you know, British people. And you know, it's not fair because Violet and Bobby are hardly British. Violet was born in Britain. Her ancestry, I suppose, would be like very Irish and Celtic and Violet is like white. But her whole life has been here in Britain. Bobby is Canadian. So like his understanding of

of childhood sports should be very much in line with mine or even like better because I was not a sportswoman and he was very sporty. British people can't skate for shit like none of you. The little Christmas skating rinks are an embarrassment, but it's kind of not your fault because I think they're trying to play it safe. So they give you very dull skates and you can't skate on dull skates. So like everything's stacked against you.

But like you put Bobby in those skating rinks and he can skate properly. So I mean, you know, it's partly your fault. I don't understand why you guys are so bad with water when you live on a small island. And like some of you can swim, but not many. Like you don't swim as well as people from other countries. And I don't know why that is. There's really no excuse for it. Let me think critically. Okay.

Well, a lot of the UK, maybe you won't be by the sea. And the sea is not a body of water that like a lot of people would be keen to swim in. It's not as inviting as a lake. But it kind of like it's in the Torah, the Jewish Bible that you have to teach your children to swim. It's just like a life skill that you have to teach your children. And growing up, like my non-Jewish parents, but like my Canadian parents and everyone's parents that I knew really prioritized teaching them to swim.

And we were not wealthy. We went with our babysitter to Jackson Pool. That was this like band-aid filled, decrepit local pool. When we got older, my dad's business that he shared with many of his friends did better than we joined a better pool. But I'm saying like you just created access to any pool. When I was very young and very financially insecure,

I prioritized a Virgin Active membership, which was really expensive to me at the time, because it mattered to me that I taught Violet to swim. Like it's just something in our upbringing that is a non-negotiable. And now it's summer and I want to remind everyone about swim safety and make sure your children are not swimming in a blue swimming costume because that is invisible in the water. You can find charts online that

for wet swimsuits disappear in different water, pool water, lake water. The safest thing to do is to get your children a bright yellow, like neon high-vis swimsuit and always have a fence around the pool or a very secure cover like mine that's basically a floor. You can walk on it. It's not a regular pool cover. It's like a floor. We have two keys. Bobby has one key. I have another key to open it and close it.

Like never, ever, ever, ever, ever give your children access to like even inches of water. Very sadly, it can have life altering effects if there's an accident. So that brings me to, we do have a pool now and we swim in the pool. Fena is two, Fred is three. I think they're plenty old enough to be taking swimming lessons. And I was very lucky to find through a local friend, a swimming coach who does exactly that. She comes to your house and

Now, we did sign Fred up for, what was it called? Was it called Water Babies or something? It was like a local swimming class at a school when he was young.

But he had an absolute fit. And I don't know, I think the teacher was great. A lot of kids really liked her, but she was too loud for Fred or the environment. I don't know. But also Fennah was newborn, newborn, like Fennah was two weeks old. So I don't know if it was that or the transition or the woman's voice. But in any case, as soon as we took Fred to that swimming lesson, he freaked the fuck out and then wouldn't even swim in our pool for like a year.

So we have just weaned Fred back onto swimming pools through like holidays and like gentle coaxing. And we thought we cannot take the children back to like a group swimming class. Fena would probably be fine, but you know, they got to do everything together.

So I found this wonderful woman who will come to the house and do swimming lessons for the kids once a week. And I'm just so excited about it. And I booked it. I didn't ask Violet or Bobby for their thoughts. I was just like, you know, it's a given. Children need to learn how to swim very well from a young age. Booked. And then I told Violet and Bobby and both of them had like such a strange reaction for being basically Canadian. They both went, oh, no, I don't like that. I don't want anyone throwing the kids into the pool.

I said, I beg your pardon. They said, yeah, they throw them in and they just expect them to swim like a fish. Like they just chuck them into the deep end. And I went, well, I mean, I don't know where both of you are independently getting this fake news from, but that's absolutely not how swimming lessons work.

I took swimming lessons when I was young. Violet, you took swimming lessons when you were young. Nobody chucked you in the water. Like Bobby does have a thing with water. He doesn't love to swim. And I think it's because he has high muscle mass. If you have more muscle than fat, you will just go straight to the bottom. And I don't know how like professional swimmers float. I don't know. I float like I just have breast implants. So I float. That's my theory. And a fat ass.

But I can float like I can have a nap on the surface of the water. If I just lay on my back, I just easily float. I could genuinely fall asleep like that. I will not sink. But yeah, Bobby and Violet were like, don't do it. We can't have these swimming lessons. No, no, no. And I thought, where are you getting this from? Like, I know there are online videos of like the Nirvana baby who's under the water. I know that very small infant babies will instinctively hold their breath underwater.

And my friend and stylist, Jen, used to take her daughter, who's six years old now, Waverly, to these baby swimming classes. And they would...

have the kids swim underwater, but not on the first lesson. It was very like consent based, you would look your baby in the face and gradually, like get them prepared to go underwater. And I took Waverly to a class one time when Jen was indisposed. And you'd look them in the eyes and go ready Waverly, one, two, three, and the kids would just hold their breath and go underwater. I think Wavy was six months old doing that.

But it's not just out of the blue. It's not like you just take a baby, pop it out the womb, cut the cord and chuck it in the deep end of a pool. Like no one's going to come to our house. Can you imagine a young woman coming to our house and throwing Fred into the pool? Like, do you think I've met Fred before? Like I know how badly that would go over and that's just not the practice. And I don't know where both of them got this from. And it just goes to show like these TikTok videos of babies swimming have like radicalized my family.

So sure enough, we proceeded with the lesson. And it was amazing. Like Fred and Feta both loved this woman. She was so good with kids. She brought toys for them. And that was a real winner, like floaty toys and just different, you know, Fred obviously is difficult. He wouldn't swim. He's like, I'm going to play with these guys on the side of the pool and make the gorilla fight the tiger. The lady's like, do that. Fine. Because it's about trust.

And Fena is the star athlete of our family. Like you mark my words, that girl is going to be an Olympian of something. Is rugby in the Olympics? Oh, I'm so happy that the kids have rugby Sunday morning. So I have been away for

Thursday, Friday, Saturday, today's Saturday and I get back tonight after the Manchester show Annie and I are driving back to London like we always do if we can if we don't have a show the next day nearby. And it was quite a trek this week. It was Stockton that's like all the way in the northeast Teesside and then all the way to Llandudno. There you go. Wales. Love it.

And that was like four hours away from Stockton and then back to Manchester, which is in between the two. But I won't really get in until 1 or 2 a.m. tonight. And what's Sunday morning? Rugby. Get your toddlers involved in rugby because your husband, and I'm being very heteronormative with this, I'm sorry, your husband will fight you to take them.

He doesn't want you there. He wants to go and he wants to be with other rugby dads and he wants to do it. And I have struggled to get Bobby to embrace any other toddler group activity. He doesn't like the messy play. He sort of will go to the park. He stresses at the play groups. He will not attend a music class or a baby sign class. Forget it. Library, I don't think Bobby's stepped a foot inside. But rugby, he's up at the crack of dawn, like super jacked up to go.

And that means that even though I haven't seen my kids since Thursday afternoon, we'll have a brief visit Sunday morning and then everyone will be out of my house for 45 minutes. It's weird that I'm never alone in my own house. And I did make a TikTok about this once. Like I'm trying to be more active on TikTok, but obviously I just don't get it. It doesn't come naturally to me.

And I tried to be funny and I made this joke about how like Bobby thinks I don't want him golfing, but I do like, I want him to get out of the house because I am never alone in my home. And I think he got offended by that. And I took it down. It's not that I want to be away from my family. I love them so much, but like, I don't know if you feel this as the mom, I'm never, ever, ever, ever alone in that house ever. I'm going to work or I'm there with everyone. Um,

And there are days like the Sunday morning that no one's there. I just walk around my own house in silence and I'm like, oh, it's bliss. Brought to you by Hoolarius, stand-up comedy now on Hulu. Hey, everybody. Hulu has a bunch of new stand-up specials that aren't just funny. They're Hoolarius.

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The name on everybody's lips is gonna be Noxie. A little Julie McCarthy reference for you there. But that's right. Everyone's favorite falsely accused and wrongfully convicted American exchange student Amanda Foxy Noxie Knox has a book out and she's taking us for a look behind the bars of her hard time spent in an Italian prison. Good pass to Ivette.

For those of you not in the Knox Hole, Amanda Knox rose to global fame in 2007 as the impossibly telegenic center of a real-life White Lotus plotline surrounding the murder of her British roommate Meredith Kircher. The Jennifer Lawrence lookalike Knox easily became an Italian tabloid sensation

There was an obsession and fodder for their bizarrely melodramatic court system. After almost two years in jail and an 11-month trial, an Italian jury found her and her summer fling, Raffaele Sollecito, guilty of killing Kircher in a sex game gone awry. Amanda Knox was sentenced to 26 years in prison, while Sollecito received 25. Prosecutors and much of the European press had depicted the pair as sadistic party people. Scandalo!

Foxy Noxy was finally released and her conviction was overturned by the Italian Supreme Court in 2015 with an ivory coaster named Rudy Guede sentenced for Kircher's murder after his DNA was identified at the crime scene, although he was released from prison in November 2021. So, I mean, sexy exchange students, please be careful.

Now, a decade removed from her ordeal in the Italian justice system, Amanda Knox is spilling in her new book, Free, My Search for Meaning. She talks about how she grappled with owning what's mine, recognizing the mistakes that I made along the way, and really trying to address what I think is a really interesting dilemma in the true crime world.

It's this idea that the human beings you hear about in a true crime context only exist within that true crime context. She continues, you hear about the crime, you hear about their arrest, you hear about the trials, you hear about how long they spent in prison. And then when they get out of prison, they're out. And that's the end of the story. You don't often hear this incredible journey that they go on afterwards to be like, oh my God, now I've proven my innocence. What is my life?

Well, that's because that very rarely happens, Amanda Knox. And I think there are some people who still doubt this overturning of her case. I don't think people...

hunger for the postscript. Just look at the Gypsy Rose Blanchard reality show. When she was just about to get out of prison for the murder of her mother, which she was found guilty, even though there were like very extenuating circumstances there, she was abused, yada, yada.

People were like, oh, let's give Gypsy Rose a reality show. She's so interesting. She was on the Kardashians. And then for a moment, people were like, wow, she's got this husband that she met in prison. Whoa, wow. She's left him for her ex-boyfriend. Oh my gosh, she's had a baby. And then like quietly, people were just like, oh yeah, but we were really interested in her when she was a killer. And now she's just a regular person. Like people are really thirsty for true crime, but like the aftermath, no, it's just not interesting to them.

Aside from the internal quest of redefining herself post-wrongful incarceration, she shared some real eye-popping nuggets about the not-so-dolce vita behind bars in Italian prison. According to Knox, to wash her clothing meant to use a bidet in the bathroom. I mean, not bad. Like, I think it's very upscale for an Italian prison to even have a bidet. A bidet, if it's cleaned properly, like, is a fresh water source. It's not like you're washing your clothes in the toilet.

When Violet and I used to start touring and we'd stay in like a little bit nicer hotels, Violet would sometimes sit in the bidet and play with the water that came out like a water fountain. She thought it was so cool. It was like a little water fountain that she could sit in and play with. Was that super hygienic? She never got sick from it. I trust the hotels to clean the bidet well.

Amanda says she was initially not given any books. Knox ultimately learned Italian by acquiring a dictionary and translating a book she knew in English, Harry Potter to be specific, into another language.

They were allowed a camp stove with an open flame and given bleach to clean with, which seems hazardous, especially for incarcerated people. However, no nutmeg was allowed because the inmates used to snort it and no gloves for some reason. So when it got cold, they had to wear their socks on their hands. Her prison diet consisted of instant coffee for breakfast and a starch, a veggie, and some meat for dinner. The vegetables in prison were bland and boiled to death.

Interesting choice of words. An Italian lesbian, is there any other kind, inmate named Lenny developed a crush on her and ignored Amanda's rejection by swooping in and kissing her. Said Knox, quote, I didn't feel in danger, but it was unwelcome. And I told her that since she couldn't respect my boundaries, we couldn't be friends. It was tense after that. I was relieved when she was finally released, though she often wrote to me.

Knox detailed mandatory evening visits with the prison chief, accused him of sexual harassment, in addition to a male prison guard cornering her in a bathroom to try to force her to kiss him. It all sounds like walking through a never-ending construction site in the 80s New York City, if you ask me. I mean, Italian men do have a reputation for being...

very handsy, very Italian, very like forward and quite frankly, misogynistic. That doesn't mean all of them. But that is like the global stereotype about Italian men. And we've seen Orange is the New Black, which is not a documentary. It is a drama series. But I do think that unfortunately, some sick people purposely seek out positions of power because

to abuse more vulnerable. You see it with gymnastics coaches and unfortunately you see it with prison guards and police officers and you know it's a tale as old as time. You think you're safer in a women's prison than a men's prison but like you know there will still be predators everywhere.

And of course, the elephant in the room. How did she jill off? Said Knox. I waited until my cellmates were asleep. I moved with absolute silence, careful to not even rustle a blanket. I was clumsy at first and didn't get anywhere near orgasm before the guard patrols. They

They came in every 15 minutes or so to open the small cell windows and peer inside. But like many things in life, constraints can be useful. The guard rotation forced me to figure out my body and find the right mental space efficiently. In those fleeting moments of pleasure, my body felt like my own again, but more importantly, I felt defiant. I was reclaiming something natural, healthy, and delightful, something my prosecutor had used as proof of my corrupt moral character."

How did they know she was masturbating? Also, isn't that like a big thing in men's prisons? Like, I don't know. Maybe I am like prudish, but I don't think women like have to masturbate. I think it's great that they do. But I don't think it's the same like biological pain that men get because they just continually produce sperm and like, doesn't it?

hurt their testicles if they don't masturbate. So like men are jerking off in a men's prison or having sex with each other. 15 minutes. How did they catch her? How could they prove it? And of course, there's a layer of misogyny for questioning her moral character because she would dare to masturbate in an Italian prison.

Now at Verizon, we have some big news for your peace of mind. For all our customers, existing and new, we're locking in low prices for three years guaranteed on MyPlan and MyHome. That's future you peace of mind. And everyone can save on a brand new phone on MyPlan when you trade in any phone from one of our top brands. That's new phone peace of mind. Because at Verizon, whether you're already a customer or you're just joining us,

We got you. Visit Verizon today. Price guarantee applies to then current base monthly rate. Additional terms and conditions apply for all offers. Does it ever feel like you're a marketing professional just speaking into the void? Well, with LinkedIn ads, you can know you're reaching the right decision makers. You can even target buyers by job title, industry, company, seniority, skills, etc.

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Well, while Foxy Noxy might be sprung, there is one felonious female blissfully behind bars for the foreseeable future. And that is former fan club president turned Selena slayer Yolanda Saldivar, who was just denied parole this past week.

Saul DeVar, who is the manager of Selena's clothing boutiques, Selena, etc., and the founder and president of her fan club, had just been fired by Selena's family for allegedly forging checks to embezzle more than 30 grand from the fan club and boutiques.

30 years ago this week, Selena had come to pick up business records needed to file taxes when Saldivar pulled a gun and shot Selena in the back as she tried to run away. She was rushed to a local hospital where she died from loss of blood and cardiac arrest. If you have not seen the movie Selena,

And I believe that every woman my age will have seen it. But if you are a younger person listening or for some reason you had a lot going on where you missed this absolute blockbuster, early, early J-Lo before she had her music career. It's just an absolute standout performance. She's so lovable. She's so J-Lo as Selena. It changed her life. It changed my life. It was an excellent movie and you've got to watch it.

Ahead of the parole board's decision, former district attorney Carlos Valdez, who prosecuted the high-profile case, said granting Salvador parole would be, quote, a serious mistake. Lord knows what will happen if she's released. Based on what I've seen so far, I think it would be a serious mistake to grant her parole. I believe, I really believe, that the safest for Yolanda would probably be where she is. And again, this is why I don't have a PA.

It's such a high profile murder that, you know, Selena, you just have to watch the movie. She was such a, what's the word? What is the word? Not Hispanic. Latina. She was such a Latina darling, such a promising talent.

And in terms of like the music industry, maybe they were not ready to make an act like that super mainstream. But look at the talent that came after her, like JLo herself and Cardi B and like Shakira. Like there would one day be so much space in the music industry to make huge, huge, huge stars of acts that would otherwise have been like niche or like just Latina acts or just this act or that act.

And I think the loss of Selena at such a pivotal time in her career was such a blow to that community. Like people are hurt by it. People are still angry. Yolanda would not stand a chance. Like where would she go? I think that there would be a Selena fan mob ready for revenge. So like, I agree, Yolanda, you want to stay in prison, babe.

treat yourself to a nightmare. I mean, I can't recommend it enough. I don't sleep very soundly, I guess not to have like dreams or nightmares or certainly not to have reverie that I remember. And that's why when I woke up the other morning after quite a good sleep, I had to call Bobby straight away and be like, I need to tell you about this dream because it's going to be gone. And already it's very foggy. But I remember being at an event and I met this really lovely girl there. I can't

I can't remember her name, but she and I were getting along. We're friends. And when I left the event, I went somewhere else. Now this somewhere else magically was some type of children's party in Malibu. And Jimmy Carr was there, which is an interesting detail because he couldn't help me. Even though any problem I've had in my life, like Jimmy Carr does swoop in with the right advice.

He's like a hero to all man. Like he could just help. He solves anything. He knows the answer to any issue. But this was weird because he couldn't help. He was like, I don't really know what you're going to do. I couldn't find my phone. And then I saw this girl again from the party and she was like, oh yeah, I took your phone. I was like, oh great. She's like, but I don't have it anymore. I work for a tabloid. I've turned it in. We've hacked it. And we're going to release all this information about you. And I was like,

what? Like what is in there? And I was worried because it was just like nothing. I mean, I really don't even have anything bad in my phone, but she just had like conversations with Bobby, like times that we'd had rows. She had information about like ex-boyfriends that I have who are so humiliating that I just don't want anyone to know who they are just because they're such waste men. And what else did she have? Maybe I had like

been slagging people off in the group chat, which I think is very innocent, which I think everyone does. But to have it published, and I think she's like, her plan was to weaponize stuff in the phone that wasn't even about me, like it was other people's secrets that they had told me just things. She just had access to everything on my phone. And I think I was spiraling. And she was like, Yeah, I'm gonna publish this. And I was like, Oh, no. And then I knew I'd be in trouble with all of these friends.

And then I believed it. It was one of those dreams that feels like bone chillingly real. And when I woke up, I had that wonderful feeling of believing the dream just long enough to then realize it was a dream. Oh, there is no feeling like it to think to yourself, oh, I'm going down for like all of my friends, little gossip secrets, and then realize that that's false.

Be like, I'm not going down. It was just so nice. Such a real treat for yourself. It's kind of like when you wake up for the day at 4 a.m. And then you realize, oh, it's 4 a.m. I can sleep for two more hours. It's that type of gift. So if you can manifest a nightmare, manifest yourself a lovely little nightmare. Really sink your teeth into it in the night. Really believe it so that in the morning you can be absolved.

On this week's latest episode of the Kardashians, Kim and co made plans to temporarily vacate their home for a remodel. And the task of packing up all her earthly belongings made Kim take stock of what needs to go and what deserves to stay. In a confessional, she disclosed, North gave me one of her teeth today and was like, I lost a tooth, Kardashian says in the confessional. And I was like, do I keep this? What do moms do? Do they keep teeth? I think my mom would do that.

Of course, I myself have an absolute box of teeth. Fred and Fenne have lost no teeth, but I've got loads of Violet's teeth. And you know, the Kardashians already did an episode about how when Kris Jenner eventually crosses to the other side, if she ever does, because she may have found the secret to everlasting youth, they're going to turn her ashes into a diamond, I thought. So surely you can take teeth and make jewelry. You could maybe...

grind teeth and make them into some kind of diamond? Like why not? If you can turn ashes into a diamond, why not teeth? I love keeping your children's teeth. I have the first locks of their haircuts. I have their teeth. I will never, what are you going to do? Put a tooth in the bin, in the kitchen garburator. Elsewhere, one of the things Kim is most looking forward to in the remodel, a brand new closet designed for a TBD man in her life.

While showing her renovation plans to her mother, Kris Jenner, Kim casually dropped that she's designing a whole space for him. Naturally, Kris was curious. Who's him? She asked. Kim's response? I don't know. Manifesting.

In a confessional, Kardashian shared her realization that she was redesigning her entire home without considering his side. "I won't be open to having a partner if I don't build it," she explained before making a Field of Dreams reference. "If you build it, he will come." And I think, I mean, I forget the show, but I'm sure in my special glitter room, which you can see on Netflix, the exact same thing happened to me.

There was a builder who like didn't want to do florals, didn't want to do any sparkle, didn't want to do anything pink. I have pink radiators in that flat. And he was like, you need to make a space for a man. What are you going to do with no space for a man? A man will never live here. Like he said that I needed to keep space in the wardrobe for a man and a seat at the table when I eat dinner with my daughter for a man. And

I mean, I never did any of that shit. And Bobby came into our lives anyway. I think Kim's existing house has plenty enough room for a man. No need to renovate and get him his own closet. Like, how big is that fucking house? You don't want another Kanye. And anyway, like, is Kim all right? Because this woman is over 40. She's a fucking billionaire. She's got all the kids she's ever going to want to have in her life.

I know that they said on the episode, like, oh, Kim in love is the best Kim. Kim is most herself when she's in love. She loves being in love. Kim K, you have too much to lose, player. You've got lovely children, a beautiful body, too much money and too little stress to gamble it all on moving a man into your house. You can be in love. You can be in a relationship. You can meet someone, but

And he can live in a different Calabasas estate. And I think that will be the key to romance. He can sleep over. He's hopefully rich enough that like you don't need to live together for any type of financial purposes. I very much doubt that Corey has a closet in Kris Jenner's house. She's like, you be like Bruce and keep all your toy trains in the garage.

And that's honestly the way to go. Like if you are not co-parenting, raising children together, like you don't need to live together for financial purposes, do not live together. Why? Why? Move them into a fucking guest room. If you must. There's a closet there. Like how many bedrooms in this house? I'm bigly against this renovation. And you know what else I'm against? April Fool's. I am so glad April Fool's is behind us. I had a terrible...

terrible time on social media, April Fools, because I just think it is so stupid and so like commercialized now and just absolutely asinine that every single brand puts up a dumb ass April Fools. And I just think we've outgrown it as a society. Like Walker's Crisps, I'll never say anything bad about my favorite crisp company. Delicious, delicious.

But like why troll people being like, okay, we're going to make salt and vinegar this color now and cheese and onion that color now. Then people get all riled up and then two minutes later go, well, it's April Fool's. A lot of people make others angry with their April Fool's post too. The pregnancy announcement never goes over well. You really annoy people who are trying to have a baby or who have recently lost a pregnancy or whatever is going on in their life. They do not like your fake news.

pregnancy test April Fools, but people never learn. I think the worst one is just companies though. I just don't like the corporate. You know, there's someone on the social media team whose job it is to be like, okay, come up with such a funny April Fools for the company. And because it's corporate, it's always lame. I don't like it. I couldn't even go on social media April Fools because I was just being gaslit from all over the place.

So that's done. And I'm glad. And April is a great month for the Ryan Kutstras. We are having a big Easter party on Bobby's birthday, which is April 19th. I'm trying to get Bobby to agree to be Louisa, the strong sister from Encanto, because the princesses that I've hired to be the other characters. And I know Encanto has nothing to do with Easter. I'm a little OTT.

The young women who play princesses for these princess companies don't have the type of muscular arms that Bobby has. And if you've seen Encanto with your kids, you'll know to be Luisa, you need to be a brick shithouse and preferably a lesbian. And I don't really know how to put that on a booking form. And if you haven't seen Encanto with your friends, then after you finish watching Selena, watch that and have yourself a Latina themed movie night.

Thank you so much for listening to another episode of Telling Everybody Everything. I am on tour until the end of June, absolutely everywhere, including Canada. We have added matinees to the Ottawa and Toronto shows on May 15th and May 17th. Those matinees start at 4 p.m. and they're on sale now. If you'd like to see me at the Palladium in London, wherever you live in the world, people fly in to go to the Palladium. It is a fun time to visit London. Our weather's nice now.

You can have a little pub lunch, go out for dinner in Soho, come to the show. I'm also in Ireland again. I'm just all over. I think they're struggling to sell tickets in Sunderland for some reason. So I don't know what I did to Jill Scott and her family. But if you're waiting to buy tickets in Sunderland, maybe I'm not advertising well enough there. But let me tell you something. I don't want to do any extra press or come on the radio. So please just get a ticket.

And if you're breastfeeding a newborn baby, you're allowed to bring it to any of my shows. You are. And even if you're not breastfeeding it, if it's really small and it can't be without you, bring it along. It's going to learn some new words. Please look after each other. I'll see you soon. Bye.

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