Carol Leifer Teaches Us 'How to Write a Funny Speech'
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Welcome to Forum. I'm Grace Wan in for Mina Kim. Nothing can kill a mood like a speech that's meant to be funny but is dead on arrival. The jokes are flat, it went too long, and the best man decided to tell that story about the bachelor party weekend.

If the thought of giving a speech at a wedding, graduation, bar mitzvah, or any special event has you breaking out in hives, we have help. Emmy Award-winning comedian and writer Carol Leifer has a new book aptly titled How to Write a Funny Speech. Tune in to hear from a master and share your own story of a speech that killed or didn't. All that's coming up after this news. Welcome to Forum. I'm Grace Wan in for Mina Kim.

I once attended a wedding where, for his toast, the best man decided to try his hand at insult comedy. In five minutes, he managed to offend the bride, the groom, their parents, the bridal party, and elephants. None of it was safe to repeat on public radio. All of it was awful.

Had this groomsman sat down with our guest comedian Carol Leifer, this tragedy could have been avoided. Because with her co-author Rick Mitchell, Leifer has a new book, How to Write a Funny Speech for a Wedding, Bar Mitzvah, Graduation, and every other event you didn't want to go to in the first place. Leifer is a stand-up comedian and Emmy Award-winning writer who's worked on Hacks, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Seinfeld, and The Larry Sanders Show, to just name a few. Welcome to Forum, Carol.

Thank you, Grace. Great to be here. Oh, it's wonderful to have you. I mean, I guess when you think about writing a funny speech, my first question is, do you need to be funny to give a funny speech? I mean, if you're a serious kind of person, should you even try to shoot for funny? Well, here's the thing. We wrote the book not only because, you know, as a public service, because of what happened to you at that event, but also because, you know,

People can be funny in their speeches.

We kind of walk people through it of how you can be funny in your speech and appropriate. Very important. Very important. Yeah. But besides walking people through it, we also have a glossary of jokes that Rick Mitchell and I have assembled for any occasion that people are free to steal. Take any and all. So it's important, you know, mostly to be heartfelt, but

But it is good to be funny in your speech because a lot of times there are a lot of speeches and you want to stand out. And, you know, it lightens the mood at whatever occasion to be funny. So we like to think our book, Rick and I, we can help people in that endeavor. Well, it certainly is a public service and we're going to get into it. I'm just curious, as a comedy writer, I mean, when you and your friends get together, the bar must be pretty high, right?

to come up with a speech. I feel for anybody who has to give a speech in your presence. I mean, so can you give me an example of a toast that was particularly memorable for good or for bad reasons and why that stood out for you? I will quote from a really bad speech that I saw recently. It

You know, first of all, people need to keep it short. I feel like we give a lot of 101 tips, like five minutes or under.

A, because a lot of people think, oh, the more I speak about these people, the more I know I care about them. Not true. The other thing is, they're usually a lineup of speeches of people. So you've got to keep it brief because you don't know how many other people are going to speak. And a lot of times, the food is not served at an occasion until the speaker speaks. So people are a

They are hungry. Their stomachs are growling, waiting for the speeches to end. So the speech that I saw was at a wedding and the father of the bride got up. And instead of speaking from the heart about his daughter, he basically kind of read her resume. Oh, wow.

amazing she was. She went to Harvard, then she went to this medical school, and then she got her... You know what I mean? I felt like we were at a job fair. It's like, you know, like, speak from the heart. Everybody knows how great these people are, or else they wouldn't have been invited. You know, it's all people who love these people, this couple. So...

That was particularly painful. I mean, I know when you go to the valet parking guy at the end of a wedding, people are talking about it like, oh, my God, going on and on. You know that, you know. And the other thing, Grace, is, you know, a bad speech like the one that you were talking about. And I want to find out what that bad elephant. Oh, not safe, not safe. Okay.

Wow. When it's about a pathoderm, you know, it must be, yeah, really offensive. But when it's a bad speech, not only, you know, like I said, everybody talking about it at the valet line, but really positive.

puts a damper on the event you know when it's a great speech or there are great speeches it just lifts the mood and it makes everybody feel so much better but when they're bad speeches it can really um you know make the event uh not as enjoyable and and kind of sad quickly i

Well, I have to laugh because at my own wedding, my very sweet father, he was like determined to kill that speech, did so much work, went to Toastmasters. And the smartest thing he did was give his speech to my sisters because he did exactly what you just described. He went line by line through my husband's resume and had a whole section about my husband's facility with Microsoft Excel. I mean, it was just so painful.

So he didn't have a Carol Leafer, but he certainly had my sisters. Yeah. Yeah. You know, dad did a really smart thing. Yes. Because he ran it by someone who not only is going to be at the event, but knows you very well. So not only is it good to run it by someone, but.

Also, it's really good because, you know, the practice of it. A lot of people are like, you know, what happened? I don't, you know, do I have to memorize it? Do I...

It's good to practice it a few times, go up there with some bullet points, but the practice is good. I mean, it's also good to check sometimes with the people that you're toasting. Like for example, my cousin recently prematurely sadly died of cancer. - Oh, sorry. - Yeah, and I spoke at his memorial

And he was such a people person and such a good time person. So I wanted to say in the speech for someone who was in recovery, he partied as hard as anyone I know. That's a good one. Thank you.

you know, went to his wife who I'm also close with and, you know, ran the line by her because, you know, that could be iffy. Right. Oh, and she was like, absolutely do it. People will love it. And they did. So also if something is, you know, you're kind of questioning and maybe on the fence about, um,

Check with either the person, you know, that person's spouse or someone close to them to make sure that it's okay. And that's fine. Well, you know, just to break it down, I mean, your book does have some pretty basic tips, but there's one that I thought people probably don't think about, which is the first step is figuring out where, when, how, and to whom this speech is going to be given. So tell us a little bit about the reconnaissance you need to do before you even start to write. Yes. Well,

I think it's important to check with who's ever asked you to make the speech.

The where. I mean, you might know on the event that, you know, on the invitation that it's at a catering hall or at a hotel. You know, you want to know where you're going to be. That's important. But most important is the audience. Because, you know, as I was saying, there are 101 tips in our book that surprisingly people don't know about.

You want to know your audience. And one of the biggest mistakes I've seen, we've seen at events is people using profanity. You know, a lot of comedians use profanity just as a crutch because they think it'd be something funnier. But

At events, you know, it's important to think about there are a lot of sometimes children there or a lot of older people. And you really, you know, I've seen it before where someone, you know, a college buddy goes off on a rant and, you know, Aunt Betty's pearls spontaneously combusts.

You know, it's important to know your audience and even maybe ask, because I do this when I give speeches for corporations or for nonprofits, to make sure that the crowd is quiet, is settled down before you give your speech. That is really important as well, because...

A lot of times, you know, they just throw you up there and, you know, people are chatting or talking or whatever. And, you know, you also want to have, you know, set the table, ask someone to set the table nicely. I mean, I went to a memorial yesterday for.

Richard Lewis, the great Richard Lewis, who I not only knew as a comic coming up, but of course was on curb. And, you know, one of the, there were a lot of great speeches. Someone made the cardinal, you know, broke the cardinal rule of one of these steps in our book.

He just got up and started speaking about Richard. But, you know, he said, my name is Matt. I mean, who are you to the person that you're speaking about? That's really important to say your name and to say we were actors together or we started out together, something to give people hope.

You know, a reference to know your speech going forward. That's super, super important. And people, you know, like I said yesterday, and then like four minutes in, I'm asking my friend next to me, who is this guy, Richard? You know, it becomes like an episode of Dateline. Like, who am I?

So that's another, you know, one-on-one thing that we really wanted to impress on people. Right. So super basic. Keep it classy. Know where you're going to give the speech and try to avoid cursing. I mean, you are not Chris Rock, right? This is a wedding. I mean, you know, conversely, if it's a speech with just your college friends or a small group of

You know, everyone you know, peers. I mean, knock yourself out. Drop F-bombs, whatever. It's just know your crowd. And usually at weddings, there are a variety of ages. So it's better to stay away from profanity for sure. Yeah. I mean, that seems like a good basic advice. We're talking about how to write a funny speech for a wedding or a bar mitzvah, retirement, anything.

any kind of event. And we're joined by Carol Leifer, who with her co-author, Rick Mitchell, she has a new book called How to Write a Funny Speech for a Wedding, Bar Mitzvah, Graduation, and every other event you didn't want to go to in the first place. I can't wait to hear how to write a speech for that kind of event. And Leifer is an Emmy Award winning comedian and writer. She's worked on Hacks,

Seinfeld, Curb Your Enthusiasm, countless Oscar telecasts. We're going to get into that as well. And she is here to help you. What is, have you been asked to give a speech and

What kind of questions do you have about what to write and how to do it? Carol Leifer is here to help. We'd also love to hear your memorable speeches, ones that you've given, ones that you've heard. What made it memorable? What made it stand out? You can email your comments or questions to forum at kqed.org. You can find us on Blue Sky, Facebook, Instagram, and Threads. We're at KQED Forum. Or give us a call now at 866-733-6786. That's 866-733-6786.

Well, there's more for him after this break. I'm Grace Wan and for me to Kim. In the current climate, too many companies are just waiting to get to the other side. At IDEO, we partner with audacious leaders to build more courageous futures that take organizations from basic growth to real innovation. Discover more at IDEO.com. That's IDEO.com.

What? Why would you guys tell me this through song?

I hope we can still be friends!

Welcome back to Forum. I'm Grace Wan in for Mina Kim. That was the viral Saturday Night Live sketch featuring bridesmaids who tell the story of their bachelorette weekend and how the bride had a really good time. It's apparently based on a real wedding toast the writer saw on YouTube. And we have Carol Leifer, a comedian, a comedy, a sorry, a comedian and Emmy Award winning writer here who has a new book, How to Write a Funny Speech. Carol, I have to ask, what is your take on the musical toast?

On the musical toast, I think when it's a musical toast, you definitely need to be a musician. You don't want to do a musical toast if you're the accountant father. Yeah. You know, I think...

I think that's a beautiful gesture. I would think if someone, you know, if this person is hired for musical jobs, that is a great idea. I mean, you know, at the same time I went to a wedding and someone who's a writer wrote a funny poem about the couple. I mean,

people should feel free to be creative. It's just, you know, stick to your assets. Yeah, we mentioned in the book, too, that, you know, I mean, there was a time when the toast would just be the talk of the valet parking lot. But now because of social media, everything is filmed. I mean, you run you do run the risk of if you're either really good, or not so good, you could go viral.

Yes, yes. And, you know, if it's bad, it can haunt you for life. Yeah.

So that's another reason we wanted to write the book, you know, save your reputation and read our speech book. Yeah. You know, on the other hand, I went to a wedding and my cousin, who is very reserved, very shy, really, you know, a wallflower at events.

He gave a speech about his brother. He was the best man. I swear, Grace, he got up there. He was like Woody Allen. Wow. He didn't even have notes. He had worked on it so hard. He had the crowd in stitches. So sometimes a speech can bring out a quality in a person that really you kind of never even knew existed. So...

In that way, and I believe it's on YouTube and it has over a million views. Wow. Isn't that great? So, I mean, that's bragging rights. Absolutely. And a compliment like that coming from you. Well, let me just do a quick reset. We're talking about how to write a funny speech for a wedding or any kind of event with Carol Leifer, who with her co-author Rick Mitchell has a new book, How to Write a Funny Speech.

And we want to hear from you. What's a memorable speech that you've given or that you've heard? What made it stand out? You can email your comments and questions to forum at kqed.org. You can find us on Blue Sky, Facebook, Instagram, and Threads. We're at KQED Forum. Or give us a call now at 866-733-6786. That's 866-733-6786. And we have Bob from Santa Rosa. Bob, welcome to Forum.

Hi. I made a humongous mistake at my friend's retirement party. He asked me to talk, and I told a joke, and the joke went like this. It was 50 feet long and smells like a line dance at a retirement home. And I'm telling you, to this very day, he does not talk to me. Oh.

Oh, no. Oh, Bob. I mean, I'm going to admit I did give a chuckle. So I don't know that the joke is all so bad. But what do you think about that, Carol, when the joke really doesn't go over well, especially to the person who's being honored? Yes. You know, it's dangerous. Like you were saying, I mean, the groom is still not talking with you. You know, the speech is really important and the tone. I mean,

I mean, you know, I think the word really kind of should have been a tip off that maybe I shouldn't say this joke, you know. So maybe also if you had run it by, do you think if you ran it by someone else, a friend who was going to be at the event, they would have maybe said to you about that? Yeah. Thinking back on that, Bob, would that have helped? Yeah. Thinking back, I shouldn't have just shut up.

Yeah. Well, we are going to give you our blessing, Bob, and say release the guilt. You have confessed on public radio. Right. And I'm sure you apologize. So, I don't know, maybe your friend's, you know, holding a grudge. Yeah. Well, thank you for calling, Bob. You know, so going back to the mechanics, we've figured out who and where we're giving this speech. And you have this tip, which is just sit down and write for 15 minutes. Yes.

And I wondered, I mean, I thought that was really good advice. And is that something you use in your life as a writer, just 15 minutes at a time? Or is that just specially for toasts? No, no, it's absolutely something that I use. Look, you know, especially people who are not in show business, you know,

Nobody really looks forward to making a speech, writing a speech. And, you know, me as a professional writer, a lot of times I don't like sitting down for an assignment or to write.

think of something new to write. But I do use this hack, which is I say to myself, I'm going to sit down for 15 minutes and write. And if after 15 minutes, if I want to get up and that's it, I let myself do that. And surprisingly, Grace, I mean...

I really can't even think of one time that I got up because once the beginning, you know, is the hardest part. And just to sit down when you start to sit down and the juices start flowing, you'll see that you'll most times want to keep going. It's just the beginning that is just.

you know, the bear. You know, what's nice about the format that you and Rick have come up with is that you do write this intro that says, like, I'm Grace and I've known the bride from, you know, from college. We were roommates. And that gives you a sort of prompt to get going because you're not just saying who you are, but like how you know the person, which inevitably leads into a story. Mm hmm. And another way that we advise people in the book is that

You know, it's usually great. It's a usually great story to talk about how you met the person because it's something that in retrospect was a funny little meet up. So also encourage people. It's like if you were sitting at a bar and

with someone and they asked you about this person, what two or three stories would you tell? And they're usually funny stories or sweet stories. I was doing an interview and a caller called in and he talked about, he spoke at his mother's memorial and he had a remembrance that he once asked her when she was going to the supermarket to pick him up some shredded wheat. Mm-hmm.

And she came home with three different boxes because she was like, I wasn't sure which one you wanted. So, yeah, you know, it not only gets a chuckle, but it also clearly shows the generosity and the sweetness of his mom. So we always...

say to people, just think of some stories about this person. Because what's also great about that is, you know, the personal is the gold in speech telling. And your relationship is

is so specific. No one else has that relationship with this person besides you. So to really expound on that, you know, another misstep that we try to warn people about is using AI. Oh, before we get into that, we have Joe in Palo Alto, who I think is here for a limited time. Joe, tell us and ask us your question.

Hi, so I'm the father of a bride, and I'm going to give a speech in September. And I have a long family history of reading poems instead of giving speeches at these kind of events. And my style is that every two paragraphs rhyme. And so I have a paragraph in here where I describe my daughter as a rose. And so she's elegant and beautiful and can be a little bit thorny.

So my plan is to say, you know, end the paragraph with that and say, strike that. I can only think of one word that rhymes with thorny. So let's just call her particular instead. Yeah.

My question is, if that, you know, along with you said earlier about being inappropriate. I don't know if what you thought that might be on which side of the line. What do you think, Carol Leifer, comedy judge? I don't know. Have you run that line by your wife?

No, because she likes to be surprised. I'm quite well known for these poems. So generally they're pretty funny. But if your advice is running to pass them, maybe I'd talk about it with her brother or something. People are expecting me to be funny. Yeah. And the other thing, Joe, that I think is, you know, not knowing your family at all, but a father talking about...

his daughter being horny. Yeah. Oh, I thought it was corny. Was it corny? I don't know. Oh,

Oh, my God. I could give him a ride and save myself. Well, I don't know that, Carol, that you went to the wrong place. But I think, I mean, I think what Carol is saying is run it by other people. I mean, you've run it by the forum audience. And we'll see if we get any other takers to that question, Jo. But I love... Oh, sorry. No, go, Carol. Go, Carol. Yeah, you could say, and rhymes with thorny, not the H word, you know.

So you're saying maybe I can recover because I can do an aside. That's within the format. Yes. Yes. Well, good luck with the speech. I love the live workshopping of it. So well done, Joe, and many, many good wishes to your daughter.

Yes. Thank you very much. Yeah. So you've talked about some of the prompts that you could use about how to get into the meat of who that person is. How do you make that funny?

How do you make it funny? Well, going back to the personal stories, usually there are some funny stories along the way. I mean, you don't want them to get too raunchy. But usually in thinking about, you know, I recently helped a friend of mine write a speech for her daughter's wedding. And I don't know her daughter at all.

But we sat down and I said, tell me some memories of your daughter. And, you know, immediately she started talking about that when the piano teacher would come when she was a little girl, she would hide in her bedroom in a corner.

And she's become a professional musician. So, of course, you know, that story and people knowing that, you know, she makes a living as a musician, you know, that was a cute story to tell. Or that she used to want to go to school in her princess outfit. You know,

It's a mixture when you look back and you think of stories, it's usually a mixture of sweet things about the person and funny things. And also, as I mentioned earlier, we also...

give a whole glossary of jokes that people are free to use that they can, you know, that we give them that they can work around into their speech if, you know, one or two or seven fit. And there are lots of speeches in there that you have workshopped and given examples of. Well, let's hear a couple of comments. Michelle writes, my dad was famous for his long speeches, and I was so nervous before he gave one at my wedding. He started talking about all

the animals I had given to him and I started to sink in my seat. But after the cat from college, the dog from medical school and the parakeet from residency, he ended up with bring on the grandkids. And it was one of the best things my dad could have said. Everyone loved it. He is no longer with us and I miss him greatly.

And Susan writes,

they had convinced the bride to get off birth control leading to the pregnancy and the wedding. That was something. I mean, I think that violates one of your rules, Carol, which is know your audience. Yeah, yeah. Read the room. Read the room.

Well, Brian asks, any advice about liquid courage before a speech when you are nervous? Do you have any tips about how to break your nerves? Yeah, we do. And we talk about that in the book of, you know, people get so nervous before they do speeches, understandably. Look, I'm

been a professional comedian for most of my adult life, I still get nervous before speaking. And so a couple of things we wanted to convey to people, nerves are normal and actually a good thing because your nerves kind of give you energy. So that's important with the speech. You know, the drawback is

A lot of people think, well, you know what? I'll have a drink just to loosen up the joints here. And that can be fine.

you know, put you in a much more relaxed mood, but then what happens? And we've seen it a countless event. The person has another drink and another drink. And basically the bartender is tired of giving this. And they go up there and they're loose, but they're out of control and they feel good. But the rest of the crowd, uh,

really is kind of in shock at how snockered this person is. So we kind of tell people, you know, have a drink to maybe loosen up, but really kind of maybe stop it there, you know, like, and did because the other thing is, Grace, like,

I don't think people realize the bar is set pretty low. You know, people know you're not a professional speaker, comedian. They don't expect you to be Jerry Seinfeld up there. So knowing that, I think, I hope, will help people with their speeches because, you know,

You know, people have a lot of empathy for speech givers and a lot of people in the audience are like, well, glad it wasn't me. So you're going off to a really warm house. And I think that's important to remember because I use that myself with my standup. If I get too nervous, the audience wants nothing more than to laugh and enjoy my comedy. So,

It takes the nerves off of my plate. Yeah, this is not a hostile audience. Well, David writes, at my father's retirement party in front of 200 colleagues from various offices in the state, my dad gets up sounding kind of serious and he says, everyone has naturally asked me what I'm planning for my retirement. Well, first off, I plan to carry on a longstanding tradition. I'll sue the company.

All 200 people there laughed. I think that's a pretty good one. We're talking about how to write a funny speech at a retirement party, a birthday, a graduation or a wedding. We're joined by Carol Leifer, who with her co-author Rick Mitchell has a new book, How to Write a Funny Speech.

Leifer is an Emmy Award-winning comedian and writer who's worked on Hacks, Seinfeld, Curb Your Enthusiasm, among other shows. And we're hearing your funny stories about memorable speeches that have been given, that you gave yourself or that you've heard. And we're answering your questions and workshopping live toasts that you might be given.

You can email your comments and questions to forum at kqed.org, or you can give us a call now, 866-733-6786. That's 866-733-6786. And Steve says, I received some advice when I was recently enlisted to make a retirement speech for a colleague. Be brilliant, be brief, be seated.

We'll hear more of that after this break. I'm Grace Wan in for Mina Kim. More speeches and toasts when we return.

Welcome back to Forum. I'm Grace Wan in for Mina Kim. We're talking about how to give a funny speech with the master herself, Carol Leifer. She is the co-author with Rick Mitchell of a new book, How to Write a Funny Speech. She's an Emmy Award winning comedian and writer and has worked on shows like Hacks, Seinfeld, Curb Your Enthusiasm and countless Oscar telecasts. Which brings me to one of my questions, Carol. I

enjoy watching the Oscar show. And I am every year amazed that people don't often prepare a speech for that. So that when they get up to win, the first thing you hear out of their mouth is, I didn't prepare anything. As somebody who works and has written for that show, what do you think about that? And why don't more people have a speech? To say, Grace, that the

I usually enjoy and I feel like the audience enjoys saying I didn't prepare anything because usually what comes out is spontaneous and in the moment. And even though, you know, at events, it's good for people to write their speech and not, you know, show up unprepared. But

You always want to be in the moment, even when you're reading a speech. So I rather enjoy it when a celebrity gets up there, whether they're telling the truth or not. I didn't prepare anything because, yeah, it just brings out so much of the emotion of the moment. But again, that's another place where, oh, you know, I didn't prepare anything. But then

not to go on too long because, you know, any speech too long at an event is a bummer. So, you know,

I think it's great to go with that and just keep it brief. Yeah. So that might be an event where not preparing or maybe pretending not to prepare is OK, but definitely don't do that for a eulogy. So can I ask another question? If you are somebody who's not comfortable giving speeches, is it OK to read the speech or to have notes or should you try to memorize it?

That's a really good question. Memorizing it is, I think, a bridge too far. I mean, you know, even myself, when I give speeches,

I usually have bullet points which prompt me, you know, on a card. A lot of people use their phone now for bullet points. But what we warn people about in the book is you don't want to read it like it's a book report at school. If you're going to read it,

just kind of try to look up and be with the audience here and there. Because looking down and reading from your phone or reading off paper, it doesn't come off well at those events. You know, the important thing is you don't have to be exact. I mean, I've had people ask me, well, what if I forget what I'm going to say next? Or what if I mess up? You know what?

That's a-okay, because getting back to what I was saying earlier, no one expects you to be perfect. Also, when you say something like, oops, I messed up there, or whoa, where am I going next?

People are sympathetic, empathetic. They get it. And, you know, it's fine. You don't have, you know, it's not you're just reading your dissertation. It's OK to mess up. Just own it. You know, people will understand. Well, here's Katie from Martinez. Welcome to Forum.

Hi, thanks for taking my call. I am going to be officiating my sister's wedding in late April, and I am going to start working on my introduction sort of speech soon.

And, um, my sister has been with her fiance for 10 years. Um, we're all very close. And actually he, um, was the sperm donor for my wife and I for our help us conceive our two kids. Wow. And it's, it's not a secret. Um, but many people who will be at the wedding don't, don't know that history. And, um,

I just wonder if there's a way to allude to it very subtly without it being inappropriate or giving it away to the audience. Yeah. And I should say we have some...

Some kind of stories that make us giggle around the whole process of, you know, of him helping us. Shall we shall we leave it at that? OK. And so and so anyways, it's obviously a part of our relationship with my sister and her fiance. That's so special and important to us.

Yes, absolutely. Well, this is an example, Katie, of where I think, are you comfortable going to your sister and saying, can I talk about this? And if she says yes, you know, great. And you can tell these stories and how important it was to you and your partner. But if she's like, you

I don't really want to tell it to the world. You know, there are ways, subtle ways to allude to it. You know, how important her fiance is. I mean, you helped create our family. To me, that's kind of a subtle way of saying, you know, people kind of, hmm,

you know, look for if she's not comfortable with it or you wind up not being comfortable with it. You know, you can craft things like that of alluding to that, but not, you know, coming out and just saying it. So it becomes your choice, I think, of whether dancing around it or being open. You know, I think, you know, if

your sister is open to telling people, I mean, um, to tell people that her fiance, her now husband was your sperm donor. I mean, you know, how could people not be moved and, um,

Moved by that, you know, but yeah, that is something I would check with your sister. Oh, and even maybe her fiance as well. Yes, absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah. Good point. It sounds like it's going to be a wonderful wedding and good luck with the officiating, Katie. Let's go to Kathleen in Livermore. Kathleen.

Let's see. Good morning. Hi, Kathleen. How are you? Welcome to Forum. Good. Thank you. My stepfather, who was

The man who raised me passed away and we're eulogizing him this Saturday. And I'm top of the list for the eulogy and would just really appreciate any tips, tools you could provide. I'm just, you know,

Writing it this week, trying to make it meaningful and positive. And yeah, if a little humor could be worked in there, I think people always appreciate that. Yes. Yeah. How recently did he pass away?

Well, how embarrassing. It was actually April 15th of 2024. Okay. And getting the whole family together has been a thing, and it's this Saturday. Right, right. Well, check it out.

To me, time is important because usually if a memorial is very soon after the person has passed away, it's very raw for people and it's a little hard to be funny because people are still processing the death. But since this happened a year ago, and this happened yesterday with the Richard Lewis Memorial that I went to, he passed away over a year ago. You know, to me, it's more than...

When you speak a celebration of this person's life and you can be funny, I feel like in talking, I'm sure you have many stories about him and ways that he affected you. And I'm sure in those stories, there's some humor. So I wouldn't be afraid to, you know, be funny.

I mean, you don't have to get up there and be Joan Rivers, but people really do love hearing stories about the person and especially about qualities that everyone recognizes about this person. So I think if you frame what you're going to say as a celebration of his life, it makes the tone much more jovial, which it should be because you're all there because you love this person. Yeah.

Well, Kathleen, best of luck this weekend, and we will be thinking about you. We have another comment. Antonio writes, the best man at my wedding gave the best speech I ever heard. It went like this. I live with Antonio, and if Lisa can live with him, they must be in love. Good luck to them both. Well, I mean, I think that toast honors one of your roles, which is –

a little bit of something that

maybe takes a small cute dig at maybe the groom, but a compliment to the bride or vice versa. You know, you get a twofer, you get a joke and a compliment at the same time. Right. Yes. You know, a good tip when you write wedding speeches is if you know the bride, um, telling the groom, well, get ready for this about her and, you know, sharing some, uh, remembrances or current qualities that, uh,

you know, he'll know or the person will know and vice versa. You know, when I got married to my partner, Laurie, after 19 years of being together, I have to admit that I did give her the best joke of the ceremony. So I selflessly gave it to her, which was when Laurie started her speech and

She said, Carol, you are the most amazing, funny, beautiful, thoughtful person that anyone could ever know. And then she took her speech and she ripped it up and she said, all right, that's it with your draft.

You know, he got a giant laugh, but I was happy about that. I love that you helped write that, your wife's own speech. Well, sticking with your wedding, I mean, there was a New York Times Vows column about it, and the guest list was, no surprise, filled with comedians. Did somebody have to give a toast, and did it go over well? Yes, yes. I

I was so happy that I asked Jay Leno to give a toast, which he did. And, um, Bill Maher gave a toast. So you have to know, uh, those experienced guys really, uh, not only brought down the house, but you know, I've been friends with both of them for almost 50 years. So they did have some good stories to tell about us meeting each other, working together, um,

But, you know, I'm really happy that they said yes, because it certainly was a highlight of our wedding, needless to say. I mean, I feel like you could have sold tickets to your wedding. People would have actually gone, given the comedic lineup there. Well, you're listening to Forum. I'm Grace Wan in for Mina Kim.

So there are some deep next level comedic writing tips that you have in your book. And one of them is you describe something called the rule of three. What is that for people who don't know anything about comedy writing? The rule of three. I believe we talked about it in...

giving people, you know, talking about people's funny qualities. And it's always, if you talk about the three of them, the funniest should be saved for last. I would think that people know that, but when you write down and we encourage people, write down a list of things, assets that people know about this person, not necessarily, you

assets, but always end on the funniest one. Like Rick, my co-author, did a speech about his friend who has unusually small ears. So...

He talked about that because it was a joke among everyone about how small his ears were. And, you know, of course he did the joke in the speech about, well, he can't hear this speech anyway, because, um, so, you know, uh,

As I mentioned earlier, it's good to think about some assets of this person that you know everyone in that crowd is going to relate to. And it's great when you bring them up and get some laughs. Well, you mentioned earlier about the dangers of AI. What are the dangers of having an AI chatbot try to write a funny wedding toast? Yeah, AI.

I know did not get to any comedy school that we know of. Oh my Lord. Here's what's interesting. We took, I was helping a friend write a speech about her daughter was getting married and didn't, I don't know her daughter that well. And we sat down and we went through some attributes, stories about her daughter. And then,

I helped her write a speech about it. But we took those exact reminiscences and funny stories about her daughter

And we put it in AI and it was a nightmare. I mean, not only not funny, but adding facts, like things, adding things that never happened. And honestly, if she had read that speech aloud to people, it would have been such a bomb because people would be like, what? What is she talking about? And the jokes were lame-o. Yeah.

Really pathetic. Good to know. Another good piece of advice. I mean, the other thing, Grace, that we have in our book that I hope you saw is for people who really don't want to spend a lot of time doing this, we have templates for each occasion, like Mad Libs, where you can just kind of fill in the blanks.

And, you know, I know a few people who've used this before we wrote the book, writing a template out for them, and they felt like it was a lifesaver. You know, it is. And it's still like, and I will say to the listeners, there's a template, but it's very easy to personalize it the way you all have described it, kind of giving the tips that we've talked to about today. So even though there's a form, it doesn't read like a form.

I wanted to read a couple more comments. Will writes,

I mean, Will, again, I think, Carol, can you give him some absolution to let him release this guilt? Absolutely. I mean, you know, giving a speech anywhere is hard. And you've really got to give yourself a lot of grace about something you did in the past. Because usually people themselves don't.

hold on to a bad speech way more than everybody else did. Uh, so it's good to, yes, free yourself from your bad speech. Uh,

It's okay. It's okay to go back in the water now. It happens. It happens. Well, going back to Joe, who had called about his daughter's speech and describing her like a rose, I just want to say, Joe, if you're still listening, a bunch of listener comments, and they all are kind of in this lane, which is Stephen writes, a big no to the gentleman who called it about the thorny wedding poem. Don't do it, even with an aside. So there's some good advice for you.

We've been talking about how to write a funny speech for a wedding, graduation or any other meaningful event. We're joined by we were joined by Carol Leifer, who with her co-author Rick Mitchell. They have a new book, How to Write a Funny Speech for a Wedding, Bar Mitzvah, Graduation and every other event you didn't know you wanted to go to in the first place.

Carol, thanks for all this salient, pertinent and hilarious advice. Oh, my pleasure. Thank you, Grace. And, you know, following from Carol's template, she says to always enter toast with something like this. So let's all raise our glasses to Carol Leifer. Thank you for joining us today. Thank you to our listeners for their calls, comments and incredible stories. You've been listening to Forum. I'm Grace Wan in for Mina Kim. Good luck with all your events and cheers.

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