Dogma 25th Anniversary: An Interview with Kevin Smith
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That's very illegal. So there goes my big idea for the commercial. Give it a try at mintmobile.com slash switch. Upfront payment of $45 for three-month plan equivalent to $15 per month required. New customer offer for first three months only. Speed slow after 35 gigabytes if network's busy. Taxes and fees extra. See mintmobile.com. There's no place to escape to. This is the last hot task. On the left. That's when the cannibalism started. Who's there? Yes!

It's so nice to meet your hero. Yeah. Like, you know, like, because very rarely do you meet a hero that's like awesome. Yeah. I'd rather eat a hero. Obviously. Welcome to the last podcast on the left. My name is Marcus Parks. I'm here with the satisfied Henry Zebrowski. Yeah. No, I'm deeply unsatisfied Henry Zebrowski.

But you're satisfied with what this show is about? This episode. Okay, but in general? I'm satisfied with what we did and the conversation we had and who we had it with. Indeed. Yes, but in general, you'll never be satisfied. Filled with rage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No matter how good things get. Honestly, the better things get, the more angry I get. It's wild.

It's pretty amazing. And we have the man that's always got sandwiches on the brain, Ed Larson. Oh, my God. I had Jersey Mike's for the first time in a couple months yesterday. Yeah? I swear to God, I went in there, and they're like, Ed! And they're like... The doctor gave you a release? No, I shared a wheat...

Turkey with Julie. God, how far we have fallen. Wow. Here's the good point. I hadn't been there in so long. I didn't realize. Still had a shit ton of Jersey Mike's points. Got that fucker for free. Wow. You're making money, dude. Why did you fucking should have told Kevin Smith that you had Jersey Mike's money sitting in your fucking pocket? I don't want him shaking me down.

Henry let the cat out of the bag. That's also if you haven't looked at the episode description. I always blindly click the episode. Today we had the massive, massive honor of talking to somebody who was

So incredibly influential to all of us growing up. So incredibly influential to the founding of Last Podcast Network and to the entire DIY aesthetic that we approach our entire fucking lives. We were able to sit down for an hour and a half with fucking Kevin Smith. Yeah, man. This dude taught me how to be dirty. Yeah. Yeah, dude. It was something about watching just some...

fat guy from Jersey that went and he was like, he didn't have like the training that we like you want to have or the connections you want to have. And he just made it work. And there was, there was something as a high schooler watching him and his buddies go and make a whole world of art.

and entertainment that obviously was very inspirational you know he should not be successful no he really is yeah yeah against all odds and that's the type of person we fucking left here at last podcast so uh let's just get into it man like without further ado let's hear this wonderful conversation with uh kevin of course in uh honor of dogma's 25th anniversary dogma is getting a re-release it got out of rights hell dude and i got to see it in a theater and it was so nice to be did

kind of feel like you were reeling back the years a little bit because it's deeply inappropriate and it's wonderful and they they don't make them like that no more certainly not no and and dogma is uh it's in theaters uh around the country right now so uh definitely go out and check it out uh but before you do that listen to this interview with kevin smith snoochie boochies from your grave

We are here today on this very special episode. We have an extraordinary guest with us. We have DIY legend, filmmaker, Kevin Smith with us today. How are you doing today, Kevin? So damn good, kids. I'm happy to talk horror. What I would have done in my life...

If I'd had any talent whatsoever, artistic talent, you ask the internet, they'll tell you I got none. But I'm talking about artistic talent in sculpting. Because if I had been good in sculpting and stuff, I would have done prosthetics. And that was my dream. Like rubber monsters, rubber masks, fucking gashes, blood and shit. That was like how I spent my childhood. Not sculpting.

Like dreaming of funny independent films and stuff like that. More dreaming of the movies that I love to watch, which were like rubber-masked horror movies and stuff and prosthetics. But if I'd ever got my hand on the Tom Savini book, what was it called?

Oh, my God. Because he has a whole makeup school in Pittsburgh. He does. But the book that he did years ago, he gave it to me years ago, and it's behind me in this library. And its title is, oh, it'll come to me later on. But it was a book about how to do makeup effects. And we live in the age of the Internet now where if you were looking for this book, you could Google it fast, find it, and then buy it someplace.

But we're talking about like late 70s, early 80s New Jersey. If you couldn't find this book in a library or bookstore, you were never going to find it. And I always feel like if I had found that book, I would have shifted toward prosthetics because I had like a blood kit. I had a makeup kit, nose putty, and I was always mixing up like cornstarch with like red food. Oh, yeah. That's yeah.

So I wanted to be Savini. I wanted to be Rick Baker. But you need to be a sculptor. Yeah. You need to have, like, visual arts talent to pull that off and stuff. And so I wound up, like, fucking making clerks instead. It worked out, dude. Instead, you sculpted a generation of fat-bodied men. Look at this. You're... What poetry? Good Lord. Look at this. You are responsible for this setup, sir. No, you really...

You know what? I will take credit for that. I enjoy that, man. I enjoy that most of my career has been spent showing folks like, it's kind of a reminder of one day we're all going to fucking die. And

why spend your life doing something that you hate? That's my father did. Like he worked at the post office his whole life and never liked it. Never once saw him come home and be like, what a day, you know, like he just hated the place. It was just a thing he did to pay for what he loved. What a psychopath. Whenever he hit the trifecta though, I'm sure he was happy. It was, he, he was the dude that like,

Just did a job in order to pay for the thing he loved, his wife and kids and stuff like that. But all growing up watching that, watching that dude hate that job,

It always felt like to me, like there's no good way out of this world, right? Like, so why not die doing what you love? Why not prolong adolescence? It was fun when we were kids running around, making pretend, watching movies, talking like about movies as if they were important, obsessing over television shows and comic books. I just didn't see a need for that to necessarily end. And so I feel like if anything, my whole career has been about like, Hey,

This is another route. And I'm not saying make clerks. It worked for me, of course. But play. Find a way to do that thing that you love for a living, man. And then you'll never work a day in your life. And now we live in this personality-driven economy where literally everybody has a podcast. And that thrills me, man. Because that means the audience understands something now that I understood way back in the early 90s, which is it's fun to watch a thing.

is more fun to make a thing, as you guys figured out as well. Like sitting around like, let's talk about what we fucking love, man. Number one, gives you a chance for camaraderie. Forced socialization. In a world where they keep trying to silo us apart onto our phones so that we're not talking to one another for whatever reason, because there's more money in keeping us apart.

Doing something like a podcast is congregation. It's our version, the modern day version of going to church where the faithful come together and talk about stuff that has meaning to them. So there's the camaraderie. Then there's the whole like, what? I can make a living off of this? We can run ads on this? Like the commercials I grew up watching my whole life? So...

You do it because you love it, but then the love aggregates to a way to actually do it for a living. Then you get to the place where you're like, what? We can make T-shirts of our podcasts? Like, what? We could do it live? There's so many stages to that.

And I, I'm not saying, and I created that not by any stretch of the imagination, but like Johnny Appleseed, I went out for like fucking 10 years and kept telling people, start a podcast, start a podcast, start a podcast. Now we're living in a world where everybody does have a podcast. And I think that's absolutely delightful. There is no good way out of this world. Kids.

So if you can figure out how to take your passion, the things you love, the things that move you, the things that make you wake up in the morning, as they said in, you know, fucking Civil War, what makes you get out of that twin bed in the morning?

It's the things that you fucking love and you can aggregate them into a job. Like that's been the amazing thing I've seen over the last quarter century is taking passion and turning it into a way of life. And that doesn't mean like making a film because not everyone's going to do that and shit. But it now means stuff like just sitting around talking about other people's films. And that's a way of life and a way of living. Think about how many happy people there are in the world.

world because they're the ones speaking. They're not just being spoken to all the time as you three are right now while I'm rambling. Everyone gets to speak and kind of put their opinion out there and not just opinion on like movies. I like just who they are. Share the human experience. I'm sure you guys have been doing this long enough where of course people write into you or talk to you about the content you're talking about, but then they also talk to you about the pieces of your life that leak into the show as well. Like it's just, it's a,

It's a sad, weird time to be alive on one level, but it's a wonderful, ambitious time to be alive in other ways, man. We're like, we're no longer just Fed shows where we, the audience, can also sometimes be the show. Honestly, I haven't been gaped for money in a really long time, so it's really been a big deal for me to be able to just talk. But there's always that. We don't have to...

Throw that out with the bath water. You know, it's basically always got to be ready to pivot. We need to have side hustles. Don't throw that away. No, my main hustle. And those two things could be combined. Gaped live on a broadcast. And that brings us to our main event. No, I'm sorry, Mark. No, I mean, you were in –

The way that you first made Clerks, the way that you just DIY, pull yourself up, that was, for me, a massive, massive influence and a massive inspiration way back when. All of us, it was massive. To just see you, this is a guy that did it. But you first did it in 1994, and even when we...

We've been doing this podcast for almost 15 years now, and, you know, we've been doing... How many episodes you got? A thousand plus. Yeah. Isn't that fucking astounding? Yeah. We've been doing it a long-ass time. We've been doing it a long time. And we were even doing podcasts before that, just trying to, you know, stick and...

trying to see what worked and you know and just doing shit with your friends that's what it always was but even then you know things have changed so much since we started so like do you see anything do you see anything that you know as far as DIY in 1994 and DIY in 2025 like what's changed and what's the same

The DIY generation now is much smarter about the business aspect. So my DIY generation, I'll just take my case. My case was I want to make an independent film because I'm independent. Fuck them studios, man. I'm going to do it my way. I don't need no help, man. We're going to do it by hook or by crook. Look, my work is done.

Will somebody buy it, please? Yeah. You know, and ultimately we wound up going hand in hand with corporate entities. At first there were many majors that weren't owned. Like Miramax was its own company. Then Disney bought Miramax. Warner Brothers bought Fine Line and New Line. Who was it? Universal had October films. Like every studio had its own kind of...

indie distribution system. And therefore, how indie were we? How DIY were we? We were DIY to make the flick, but then we were helpless when it came to distributing the flick, selling the flick. And then we had to turn to our corporate bettors. In this current DIY generation,

These kids have figured it out, man. They, you know, they grew up on YouTube, so they understand, like, how to monetize clicks and whatnot. So I've been seeing in my Instagram feed, like, I forget who I follow, some, like,

Hollywood producer thing where they're always giving you updates on what's going on in town. And the story that I've seen now in three different ways is the, hey, man, this disruptor culture has created their own studio system. And so they have these shows that they create with their own casts.

look like normal ass fucking shows that you would see on TV. They have no corporate connection whatsoever. And they build these out. They have direct contact with their audience and stuff. So they've monetized it and figured out how to do shit like on their own. They're not going, I mean, yes, they're using YouTube, of course, as a distribution platform, but they're not going to like a Universal or a Disney to be like,

Can you distribute this for me? Can you help build this for me? By my second film, you know, I was in the world where a studio is like, here's a bunch of money.

Like that doesn't happen so much anymore. So these kids, they're not waiting around. They're not sitting on the sideline going like, I hope my Cinderella story comes true. No, they're like, I'm going to go create a thing because I can't because I got these tools and I have this kind of access and I know about this and I know how to market this. So the DIY generation now of 2025, way better at this than my DIY generation. We only took it so far and then helplessly turned it over

to people who knew how to do business. This current DIY generation knows how to do business as well. They know if they're going to build the thing, then it's up to them to sell the thing as well. So they don't count on others. And that's inspiring as fuck. I tell you, I saw that one clip about like, these kids are building their own store.

shows within a non-studio system. And I got so excited and I was like, oh my God, I want to do that. And then I was like, well, you did that. Like you did that. It's done. Yeah. But it's done. You can't do it again. But like now it's their turn and stuff. Just like for years, like when the, before we did Red State, before there was a Kickstarter or an Indiegogo,

I was financing with my friend John Gordon this platform called Red State Green because I had like a million followers on MySpace. And I was like, if we got a buck from every one of them, man, we can go make fucking Red State. Never mind, I'm waiting for somebody to rise to check. So we spent like 20K building this site that was essentially like a proto Kickstarter and Indiegogo.

And then I did an interview. I was in Canada doing an interview for Zack and Mary Make a Porno. And there was a little roundtable and there was somebody asked, what are you doing next? I was like, oh, we're putting together this website where we're going to try to raise the financing for this movie Red State, like off the audience. The audience has been wanting to see it. So we'll see how badly they want to see it.

And then somebody wrote an article the next day that was like, oh, Kevin Smith's going to beg for money to make his next movie. And it scared me. It turned me off. And instantly I killed the project. We stopped developing the website and went and found traditional financing the way I always had. You could have been like a billionaire. You literally could have been a billionaire. It's,

And it's so weird because to me, the story, I don't even look at the story from like, oh my God, we could have then used the platform for everybody. It could have been Kickstarter. In my head, all I hear is like, somebody made fun of you and you dropped a really good idea and went a very traditional safe state route with a movie that didn't call for that at all.

And what happened later on was, who was it? The Garden State Kid. Zach Braff. Zach Braff went out and did that off of Kickstarter Indiegogo and financed the whole ass fucking movie. And it, you know, was the first movie financed of IndieCraft financing and funding and stuff. So I missed a shot at history. But then at the same time, I'm like, you know what? Like,

I count on the audience to buy tickets and T-shirts and shit like that. I'm not saying this ain't right for everybody. Kids should do this. But like as an established filmmaker to then also be like, now I want the audience to pay for the movie to be made in the first place. Let it be done. Just didn't feel right. It didn't feel, felt like I was looking to give tourists in the mouth because I was in a rarefied position to find money elsewhere. Why would I be sitting in the small pond soaking up money that could go to other filmmakers and shit?

So every time I see young indie or young DIY still fucking call to me in a real primal fashion where I'm like, I want to do that. And then I have to stop myself and check myself and be like, you have already done that. Like, your time has done. Now you leave it for the next generation to do. Because I'll tell you right now, I ain't got anything all that fucking important to say that demands, like, give me your money and shit. Because I'll make, like, yoga hosers too. So, you know, it's...

I like my relationship with my audience, but personally, and this is no judgment on others that Kickstarter and you go, go, I don't want to presume upon them in the beginning stage as well, which is like, well, you pay for it and then you pay to go see it. And then you pay to buy the DVD. You know, it's like you can only hit them so many fucking times. So I love today's DIY culture. And I wish to Christ that I could be deeply entrenched in it and meshed in. You are. This,

As a Spodcastle Film Festival alum, you are. Did you go? No, I had a movie in there. So wait, was it a horror film? No, it was a documentary about my mother, but it was very New Jersey. How America Killed My Mother. Yeah, yeah. You came downstairs and introduced it in your shorts. It was amazing. It was a... No, but yeah. So you are putting your money where your mouth is. You are helping young DIY. Yeah. You very much are part of it. Yeah. Yeah.

Totally. But not in the way that I would like to be a part of it, which is like my mindset, even after 31 years in the business, is cheap, is DIY. Because I came from a world where I didn't have funds and assets and shit. And even as I continued my career, I was never one of those guys that was like, get me $100 million. I always kept it low because it's like these are –

These aren't important works. They're like Kevin Smith movies. We shouldn't spend that much money. So I'm used to like keeping the budget low and that keeps me very much in the DIY mindset. So I always lean more toward that side of the fence and, you know, in ways where I could be helpful for others, that's nice, like Smodcastle.

But I'm still in it for me, kids. Like, I'm not rich enough where I'm like, and now I can just sit back and kind of give to others. I still got to hustle to pay my bills. And there's still stories that I want to tell. So it's not completely altruistic. Something like Smodcastle Cinemas isn't me like, here's a showcase for other people. It's like, yeah, that works. Like, I love that Ernie's done the film festival for what's coming up on the fourth year. And now we've got a Smodcastle Horror Festival coming up for the first time.

that is beautiful. And that's legacy stuff. And it gives all these other cats a chance, but I'll be honest with you. I didn't buy that theater going like this will help others. I bought it going like, well, number one, they're going to close. If we don't buy it, it's fucked. But number two, Ooh, I'll have my own stage for the rest of my life.

Like, any time I want to do a show, like, I spend most of my time hustling ass around the country. Now it's like, oh, my God, if I just want to fucking show Mallrats, I can upsell tickets to 50 or 60 bucks and shit like that. We'll have a good old time. So I started it selfishly. But then once you have the thing, like, along the way, the journey, like, kind of shows you what it's really about, what you think it's about and what it's really about. Beginning of my career, selfishly, I was like, I want to make a movie. Now, at this stage of my career...

Yes, there's still that. But I also know that based on all the people I've met over 30 years and all the feedback I've read and the people who've like cried in my face telling me that these dopey ass movies help them. They're their fucking buoys in a storm, man. They're their fucking life preserver when life is at their rockiest. They're just the thing that makes them fucking giggle and makes life a little bit fucking easier.

And then you realize like, that's what you're here for. Nevermind fucking like masturbatory, like I want to make a movie. It's like, oh my God, this bullshit that serves me and makes me happy also fucking does something to somebody else. Just like other people's work has done for me for years. So the older you get in the career, the more you start realizing this isn't just for me. You know, filmmaking is a very self-centered art, directing particularly. But at the end of the day,

because of the long tail of the career, because I've been around for so long and because I've had this experience over and over and over. And I just come off the dogma resurrection tour. So I saw two audiences a night, every night, and I got to do Q and a with him. So I got to,

To hear that and what they talked about was that. They talked about where you are in their life. There's one guy in Chicago who was like, hey, man, I've been watching you since 94. He's going, I've been to 19 of your live shows. He's going, and now I bring my adult children. And he had some 20-somethings sitting with him and stuff like that. He's like, I've been on the journey with you this whole time. I just got to know, what's your end game?

And I was like, I hadn't even thought about it until this moment. I didn't realize there was an end game because I didn't really have a game plan to begin with. I just wanted to make clerks. And then it started a career. I wasn't packed for a 31-year career. I've had to kind of figure it out as I went along. But I guess if I have an end game, it's to fucking inspire people to do this, which I feel like I've done. Based on all the interaction, I feel I've done that.

Now the end game for me is to make people feel as good as I possibly can, just to use my mouth on them to give them pleasure until the day that I drop dead. Whether that's in film, whether that's like on camera, whether that's in podcasts, it's like I'm just here to serve. I'm just here to make shit a little bit easier for people while, believe me, I'm making shit easier for myself because I don't have to have a real job because I do all this nonsense and stuff. Fly from your grave.

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Start your free trial at maintainintheletterx.com. Okay, let's talk about Claude, the if-you-know-you-know AI assistant that's got everyone buzzing. Claude is like having a super smart, emotionally intelligent buddy in your pocket that responds like a real person would. Claude can help with just about anything, whether you need advice, inspiration, or even someone to help craft that perfect text to your crush.

Claude can switch from being your life coach to your personal stylist to your side hustle strategist all in one conversation. Head to Claude.com, that's C-L-A-U-D-E.com and start chatting with Claude for free. I know, I want to talk about Dogma. I want to talk about it because that's part of the reason this season that you're here. We love Dogma, love this movie, but I do want to ask you leading right after that question. Humor me.

Take back your show. Okay. Let's say you're saying, what's your end plan, right? Would you be down? Because you are, obviously I would view you as somebody who is very forward thinking. You're a sci-fi guy. You understand kind of certain elements, obviously.

Would you want an AI built avatar of yourself to continue on after you live? Would you want a curated you being around after the fact? Would you be down with that? Or is that still in your soul? Could he be, you know, because there's nothing about me that's original, right? Everything I do, I've seen in one form or fashion someplace else. And then I translate it as my version, I guess. So that being said,

If I can be presented in a max headroom type fashion. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, it's whatever you want. And I'm just like, this is a snooker. I'm I'd be down for that. You know, it's I'm I'll take it, man. I was like, I was on a bird crushers podcast last week and he said something that made me laugh where he was just like, I was asking my wife that if I come up with like a, an AI generated avatar, uh,

and talk to her and masturbate to her, is that cheating? And I was like, I don't even know in that case, man. Yeah, I talked about this with my wife. Are sex bots cheating? You do it. Yeah. What do you mean? Especially the sex bot. But now, online, you can feed it all your information and shit, and you could create...

an AI personality that like fucking will tell you all the things you want to hear. This is the dangerous shit. This is where shit gets really down the rabbit hole because if we can all build our own congregations of unreal people on our phones or our laptops,

we cease having need for others, man. Oh yeah. And when you're dealing just with an AI that's telling you everything you want to hear and shit, why would you want to start dealing with the real world? Would you kill yourself if you put in everything in the, in the app, right? You put everything, this is all the things I love. It's all the things I want to have sex with. This is all the thing I want to talk to. You would kill himself. And then all of a sudden your perfect mate is just like your mother.

That would make sense to me. I'm like, well, the most intimate relationship of my life. Like that makes sense. I'm not going to follow the advice of the AI, but you know, it would kind of quasi make sense, I guess. Well, thank you. Yes. Thank you very much for humoring. I mean, this just comes from a Saturday. We had a barbecue and just talk about AI for a good two hours. But yeah,

The reason why we are here is, you know, Dogma, 25th anniversary, re-release. You know, Dogma was a very important movie to all three of us. You know, it all came out when we were teenagers. And, you know, speaking for myself, like, it made me rethink. I came from a very small Texas town where religion and Christianity was number one. Town of 300 people, five churches. Yeah.

Whoa. It's good coverage. That's crazy. My town, Highlands, at one point, they always said, and I could never prove this, but we were always told as kids that we were in the Guinness Book of World Records for having the most amount of bars in a one-square-mile radius. Oh.

That's because you drank everywhere you went. It sounds like you guys, with that many churches in a town of 300, that feels like Guinness World Records. It's a lot of coverage. But Dogma was the movie that made me rethink organized religion. I had never really thought to question it before, but it was sort of the crack in the foundation, as it were. So...

I mean, how does it feel when people tell you things like that, that, you know, like the dogma made them rethink everything? Was that the intention behind the movie? It's weird because since I was on tour for the last month and then I also we took it to Cannes and I watched it when we were there for the second time with that movie at Cannes.

Humble brag. I've been thinking about the movie a lot lately because I'm interacting with it a bunch. And to me, the movie plays like a child's prayer. It plays like if you know your Old Testament, King David, like stripping down to his skivvies and dancing and acting the fool in front of the Ark of the Covenant through the streets of the holy city because he loved the Lord so much. That's what dogma feels like to me. The kid who wrote it,

and directed it, believed in all of that. Like that was his cosmology. That was his faith structure and whatnot. That wasn't Christian mythology. These things happen. These are the stories that I was handed when I was born and never thought to even be like, wait, is any of this real or whatnot? So when I watched the movie, I see that kid at work and I'm like, wow, man, like

You know, we'd done Clerks and that kicked off a career very nicely. And then Mallrats, which has aged incredibly well, got beat the shit out of by critics and at the box office and nearly ended the career. Then Chasing Amy was a Hail Mary that kind of put us back on top. And in the same year, we had Good Will Hunting, which me and Scott Mosher co-executive produced. So the one-two punch of Chasing Amy and Good Will Hunting, including having Ben and Matt be like, we want to be in Kevin's next movie.

meant that like there's never going to be a better time to get dogma made. And in making dogma, it was my idea of like, let me express my faith. I go to church every Sunday. Nobody here celebrates their faith. They fucking mourn it. This will be my idea of a Sunday service, but with anal jokes in it and stuff. And the great irony is that in making that testimony, which I see play out night after night for the last month,

the faith started to erode because, you know, I had George Carlin on set. Very hard to... How does God live when he's there? He was, I mean, George was absolutely lovely, but he is probably the most famous lapsed Catholic. And he loved the flick because he was like, oh, it gives it to the church. And I never felt that way. I was like, well, I mean, I guess it raises a hair eyebrow at the church. I said, but the movie's like so crazily pro-faith.

So we were on set, like third act of the movie, in front of the church. Ben and Matt show up, crack like a cop's neck, and all hell breaks loose. So George is going, what's going on in this scene again? And I was like, well, the angels show up, and then they're going to kill everybody, and then cut their wings off, go into the church. When they come out, they're, again, presumably killed by the cops because they're human at this point. And then they'll go straight to heaven.

And he goes, why? And I was like, because of the plenary indulgence loophole. And he goes, and what is that? And I was like, and I was like, come on, man. I broke out the old catechism to be like George and started talking Catholicism, like talking shop with him, Catholicism. And he's looking at me as I'm talking and explaining our, our shared one time shared faith. Um,

And he's got the face that an adult has when a child over explains Star Wars. And then finally he goes, you really believe in all this shit, don't you? And

And I said, yeah, my God, you were raised Catholic. You don't. And he goes, no, I'm smarter than that. And so that was the kind of the beginning of the end. Then 12 years of Smodcast will really disabuse anybody of their childhood faith. Oh, yeah. Just sitting opposite an agnostic like not even Scott Mosher wasn't even an atheist agnostic, man. But one of the most practical people I ever met. And slowly over time, if you ever listen to that show, because we started in what, 1997, 1997.

Was it 97? 2007. From 2007 until probably about 2017, you could slowly hear my faith chip away and stuff like that. I thought it was just dealing with the internet. Believe me, life just lights the faith out of you sometimes. For some people, it makes their faith stronger. For others, I got to a place where I was like, this isn't working for me anymore. Now, do I miss it? Absolutely. When you almost died...

Did that also affect how you view all of this? You would imagine that in the moment of, you know, oh my God, when I was told by the cardiologist,

You're having a widow maker. I said, what's that? And he goes, seriously? And then he explained it. He's like, in 80% of the cases where you have right now 100% blockage in your LAD across the front of your heart, 80% of the cases, the patient always dies. He's like, but you're going to be in the 20% because I'm good at my job. And he disappeared into my crotch and made magic. So that's how they get to your heart through your femoral artery and shit.

So the whole time he's down there, I keep looking down and see this guy's head bobbing up and down in my crotch. I was like, go figure. This is how I was going to die. I knew it. Yeah, nobody told me that. So I'm looking up at the ceiling and going like, wow, this might be the last room I'm ever in, man. This might be the last ceiling I ever see. And so it occurred to me at that point, I was like, if you're ever going to fucking call on your childhood faith, if you're ever going to pray, fuck, this would be the time. And then I realized, like, if I start praying and there is a God, he's going to be like, you made dog

I'm a fuck. I opted not to pray in that moment. Instead started the movie of my life. You know, they tell you a life flash for your eyes. So I was like, I'm going to start the fucking flick early and stuff. Mercifully, the dude saved me and whatnot. And so I got to stick around. So that will feed that like 22 years of life.

fed the script for Dogma. Like I started writing it when I was 22. I started writing it before Clerks. It was called God back then. Then we made the movie in like 98. So from age 22 till about 27, Dogma was shaped and formed by my life experience, my childhood, my pop culture intake, my thoughts, feelings about faith, everything. Anything I'd learned goes into that.

If I made a sequel like one or two years later, then it's just like not being fed as well as the first one was. Then it's just like, they're back. Bartleby. So now I've been writing a dogma sequel and I've literally had 25, 26 years since the first one to live a whole ass life.

other life, like another lifetime. And that lifetime was not just full of everything that happened to me, you know, previously. And when I was a kid all the way up to there, but it also includes like getting married, having a kid, almost dying, uh, losing my mind and shit like that. And everything I've experienced, like losing my faith as well, um, over the last 25, 26 years.

So as I write the dogma follow-up, sequel, whatever you want to call it, I'm happy because it's fed by a lifetime of experience, just like the first one was fed previously by a lifetime of experience. And all those experiences, like almost dying, that's going to be in there as well. Dude, because right after watching the movie, my first thought was, oh, Rufus would be 25. Mm-hmm.

I was like, I'm a dog. The whole movie centers around Bethany's daughter who is named Ruth. Yes. No, very excited. You're absolutely right. She's like 25, 26 right now. By the time we're done with the movie, probably 26. And let me tell you something. I'm not going to spill any beans, but

a dogma sequel will i hope everyone will dig it but a horror crowd is absolutely gonna bring it back to where religion really begins true well that's the thing is in the first dogma there are those horror elements in there you've got the golgotha you got the shit demon you know you have heads exploding you know god exploding head like there there's so much which is stolen i stole that from uh marvel like black

you know black bolt whenever he opens his mouth he runs the risk of killing medusa and shit it was always so poignant and stuff so when i was writing dogman i was like oh fucking i'm taking that part man yeah so that i owe that to marvel i will i owe so much to me hey it's fine we all invented the stan lee cameo you're allowed i will take that one thank you yeah man it's so interesting to hear that when you made that movie you had faith

because it was something that really helped me lose mine. Because it was, and it's so interesting because I went to Catholic school. I always kind of questioned it, but not really. And then when I saw that movie, I'm like, yeah, this is all a fucking joke. You know? It's crazy how the movie affects people in both ways.

directions. I wouldn't say like it's a binary equation, but for as many people, and I saw a lot of them on tour during the Q&A who were like, this is the movie that helped me get back in touch with my faith. I was always like, oh, right on. But then there's also a bunch of people like, this is the movie that let me step away from the church. And I'm like, oh, thank you. It's crazy how both journeys come from the same movie, how

two audiences can see that movie and draw different conclusions. You know what I'm saying? But at least that's after they see the movie. Like, we almost got killed in advance of the movie last time back in the 90s

Because there was the Catholic League, not the Catholic Church. Catholic Church didn't give a fuck about this movie. Catholic League, the self-appointed media watchdog group, drummed up a lot of controversy around the flick because nobody had seen it yet. And they were saying things about the movie that the movie really wasn't about. Once people could see the movie for themselves, all that shit went away. For example, I know it's like 25, 26 years later, but having just been on tour with Dogma again,

No fucking death threats. The only protests I saw were adorable. I saw a kid, an 18, 19-year-old kid in Dallas standing at the head of the driveway of the mall where the movie theater was.

And he had a sign, poster board says AMC Blast Feams. And it had the poster, the new version of the Dogma poster in the center of it. And so I was in a car and I'm like driver's seat, passenger seat's empty. And then he's just right there on the street holding this sign at the light. So I lay on the horn like, eh, eh, give him support and shit. And he's so happy. He looks around and he sees me. Then he sees my face and he turns and he shuns me. Motherfucker shuns me. Yeah.

Just one kid there at L.A. When you joined your own protest, that was one of my favorite of your moments. I did. I couldn't do that this time because there aren't enough people protesting. But yeah, back in 99, I joined the protest that was happening right around my local theater. I saw in our newspaper, in the Asbury Park Press, they were like, the Knights of Columbus says there's going to be a 5,000-person protest tonight.

It was a Sony Lowe's at that point, at the Mammoth Mall. So I was like five minutes from my house 'cause I lived in Oshaport at the time. I said, "We have to go, man." And Brian Johnson, my friend who's living with us at the time, he goes, "You can't go, they'll see you." I said, "No, but if there's 5,000 people, it's gonna be very hard to pick me out of a crowd." I was like, "As long as we're holding protest signs, we should be fine."

So we made protest signs. One said to hell with dogmen. The other said dogmas, dog shit, colored men and stuff, blue sparklies, like real big. And then we drove over to the theater. It was me and Brian and my wife. And when we get there,

There's not 5,000 people. There's 15 white hairs and blue hairs, old people. And they got a crucifix that they got with them and shit. And they're praying the rosary. So my wife was like, well, this is a bust. Do you want to go home? I was like, no, man, they need the numbers. We went out and joined them and held our fucking signs and prayed the rosary. I prayed the rosary. Brian didn't know the rosary, so I was praying the whole time and stuff. And then the Channel 12 news van pulled up.

And a lady gets out the clipboard and the guy gets out the camera and shit. And they, you could tell they're disappointed. Like they ain't 15, 5,000 people. There's only 15 people here. So they're looking at all 15, trying to figure out who they could talk to for their news piece. And she's going down the line and she looks, you know, me right in the eyes. And I look back at her while I'm praying the Hail Mary and stuff. And then she keeps going. Then she comes back, looks at me. Then she looks at her clipboard. Then she looks back up and she races over to me. She's like, are you him? Yeah.

And I was like, no, that's him. And I pointed to the crucifix. And she was like, well, can I interview you? And I said, yeah. Because she had asked me again. She was like, no, you look like the guy. I said, no. And she goes, seriously. I said, I tell you, I'm not him, man. Like three times I denied it, I heard a cock cry. She was like, well, can I interview you? I said, absolutely. And she brings the guy over at the camera and he looks at me like, isn't this the guy? And then they start rolling. And she's like, what are you doing here?

And I was like, well, I'm here to protest. And she's like, why? And I was like, well, I've heard things about the movie. None of them good. What's your name? I was like, Brian Johnson. And she afterwards, after she interviewed me, she turned off the camera. She was just like, you are that guy. I know it. And I was like, I tell you, I'm not that guy at all. I don't even like black and white movies. And.

She took off. And that night when we went back home, like 1115 that night, 1130, my mom called, man. I saw like a message from my mom, like her name come up on the phone. So I picked up the phone. I was like, you all right, ma? And she goes, yeah, Tiger. I was just watching the news. And there's a boy on TV who looks like you, but his name is Brian Johnson. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Nothing like that this time. If I had gone out to join a protest, it would have been me and that fucking 18, 19-year-old kid. And he didn't seem to want me there. There was one for the opening night

of the tour in LA. We, we started on Easter Sunday for 20. It was a good way to start. Uh, as I went in, there was, uh, there were two people holding like a man and a woman and they had a banner, you know, a stick with a banner in between another stick that had a Mary crying on it. Like why? Or some such shit.

And I went out, because that was the first night of the tour, man. And as I was running in, I said, what's outside? And they said, don't worry about it. Take a picture on the red carpet. And I said, no, what is going on? They said, you're being protested. I was like, aw. So I went out there. Nice. And I took a selfie with them. And they didn't like that shit at all. But, you know, fucking...

It was my experience, too. Yeah, man. You know, when I wanted to prep for the interview and watch Dogma again, I wasn't able to make it to the movies, unfortunately, which I'm very disappointed about. But I did the next best thing in honor of you. I went to the local video store and I rented the DVD from them. And it was very cool. $3. Had a great time. Five days. It was wonderful. Where's the video store? Give them props. It's called...

Hold on, I got the Be Kind video in Burbank. So yeah, they have everything there. It was great. Only a dollar late for each day. Wonderful stuff. But they also gave me the special features DVD.

Nice. You got the fat edition. Yeah, I did. I did. And so I was watching all the deleted scenes. Horrible. Great job cutting them out. That's why they're all over it. But the coolest thing for me when I was watching all that was looking at you do the interviews beforehand and you had Harley sitting on your knee during the interviews. And it was just like, I'm sitting there. I'm like, he's

fucking makes movies with her now and i think that's the coolest thing in the world i love it so much and like it was that always your plan to like have her join the family business like if you were a plumber that's the plan you know and so like truly and so like as long as she was interested in it yeah it was never anything that i was like hey man you got to be doing this shit like i was pushing writing you know she would sit around watch i carly when she was a kid the the first version of i carly

And I would be like, well, this is fun. I said, but you know what's more fun than watching iCarly? You should write one of these. Like, just go write one, man. It's a good time when you're in charge and stuff. So I was always pushing writing. I was like, you're going to write. You're the kid of two writers,

Your mom's a writer. I'm a writer. You're meant to write. And then she wound up falling in love with acting. And so I was like, oh, well, I know a fucking thing or two about that as well. So it was kind of a delight. And, you know, Jennifer naturally was like, well, I know you do it, but like that's a tough business. And she generally had the same kind of outlook that most parents have when you're like, I want to be an actor in the movies. They're always like, well, maybe get a

you know, a fucking degree in something else so you have something to back you up and stuff. But I couldn't be that guy. Like, I could never be the guy that's like, you should do something practical. Like, I made clerks, so I have to be like, oh my God, chase your fucking dreams and shit. So I loved it when she went into acting because I'll be honest with you, like,

I had a lot more time with my kid than most people get with their kid because I didn't have a traditional job, right? So I didn't have a nine to five that took me out of the house all the time. When we did have to go to a place to shoot a movie, whole family would go and the kid, I'd put the little kid in the movie and stuff. So she was always around. But, you know, because...

I had the life that I had. It all went so fucking quick. Like, I remember, you know, when there was this one day we were in the bedroom upstairs, like the me and Jen's room, and the kid wanted to play hide and seek. And I was like, all right. And so we play hide and seek for a fucking hour. And

And like any fun that existed in the first 10 minutes was gone. Like the room's big, but it ain't that fucking big. You're right there. And so I remember her. I said, all right, kiddo, that's it. And I'll remember her going one more, one more. And I was like, no, kiddo, we already did it for an hour. And the look of disappointment, like on her face momentary because we did something else.

But the look of disappointment, like, on her face just stuck with me. And then before I knew it, that was it. She was, you know, never playing, like, fucking hide-and-seek again because she was, like, a teenager and fucking in her 20s and stuff. And so you realize, like, you're not in that, you know, fucking cats-in-the-cradle kind of way. But, like, you realize that's it, man. I ain't ever going to have a chance again.

to play with the kid again, because now she's grown up. By being in the movies and stuff, that's kind of like a second bite at the apple. Like, hey, we get to fucking pretend. We get to play like we did when you were little. And like, I would get bored of doing from time to time. Like, now I've learned to cherish it. So it's like a do-over of sorts. Even though the first time wasn't so bad at all. But it's like, oh my God, I could still...

in this way, play with the kid. Like, and it reminds me of, like, her being little and stuff. So, yeah, and also, I think she's a great performer. You know, she looks like me and sounds like me, and I'm a big Kevin Smith fan. So...

I like her work as well. Speaking of acting, Dogma has one of the things about Dogma, it just has an incredible cast. We got very lucky cast. You mentioned George Carlin earlier, you have Alan Rickman, Salma Hayek, Chris Rock, Matt Damon, Ben Affleck. We were talking before the show

our favorite actor in the movie is Jason Mewes. The laughs in that room. I went to go see it. And it's been, to be honest, cause we're all comedians. It's been a, it's, you know, it's, it's a weird time to be a comedian, but it's also one of those things where it was so nice to be in a room where we all could laugh at Jason Mewes. And he popped. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was honestly, every night that I watched the movie,

i was like just steals the show like that was him at his strongest and i realized like what happened to my career because like if you look at the beginning of my career it was like my god he could be a thing but then after dogma i made like 28 jane silent bob movies because i fell in love with jason muses performance by the time we got to dogma he had perfected that character yeah and and like i was like oh my god i could do so much with him now now he's a real actor

clerk small rats chasing amy he was my friend that i put in movies we get to dog mom like oh my god he's fucking stealing the movie out from fucking alan rickman from george carlin from ben and matt for christ's sakes like i remember being at the new york film festival and we had everybody with us afterwards on stage so it was me alan ben matt chris salma um

Let me see. Everybody always talks about George Carlin and Alan Rickman, but you had Salma fucking Hayek in that movie. We were all on stage together except Jason Mewes, who had been there for the opening of the show, but then...

went to a hotel with his girlfriend and never came back for the Q&A. And so while we're there, like somebody asked a question and Matt's answer right off the bat is like, I just want to point out that like he's not here, but Jason Mews stole the show out from seasoned professionals and shit. And the whole audience fucking applauded. Every night I sat there watching the show, I'm

the like we got a casting call credits where everybody gets their own shot and they break character and stuff and so there's art and applause and whatnot but then when you hit jason lee the applause take a jump then you hit alan rickman and the applause take another jump and then right at or hit muse the applause take a huge fucking jump then you hit rickman and the applause take another jump so i told jason i was like bro every night

They fucking love you. They love you so much. But when it comes to the casting call, they love Alan just a little bit more. And Jay's like, yeah, we'll wait till I fucking die. So he is so magical in that movie. Opening night of the tour when we were in Los Angeles,

Like I intro the movie and he was there and we were leaning on the wall watching the movie in the back, you know, for the first 20 minutes of the flick. And as I'm watching it, I'm falling in love with his performance all over again. We're going, look at this motherfucker, man. I'm looking up.

at this baby-faced Jason Mewes stealing the show. And I was like, I'm going to tell him that he's a goddamn champ. And I look from the baby-faced Jason Mewes to the withered cryptkeeper to my right, the old fucking 50-year-old man. And I was like, you were great when you were a kid, Captain. But

But yeah, he is. He steals the fucking show, man. And hopefully he'll steal it again in Dogma 2. Going into it, like, you know, because you said that he was just, you know, your friend that you put in movies. Like, how did you prepare him for acting alongside, you know, Shakespearean actor Alan Rickman? Yeah. Do they get like butthurt about how good everybody like? Are they like fancy actors? Are they kind of like, what the fuck?

what the fuck? No. Everyone loved Muse, so they were happy to see Muse shine. And some of them worked with him before, right? So Ben and Matt knew Jay. But for Salma, for Chris, for Alan, he was all new to them. They fell in love with him and stuff. And also, you look at that cast, you're like, one of these things is not like the other. He's the least famous person up there. So they all kind of

held him in their hearts to begin with. And then you add to it, he just absolutely kills. He slays in the role. Going into the movie, like before the movie even, I got him nervous about it. I tried to scare him because I was like, hey man,

I said, you can't do what you did on the other three movies. You got to come prepared. You got to know your script and stuff. You got to memorize your lines this time around because we got real actors in the movie this time. He goes, who, like Ben Affleck? I was like, no, I'm talking about real actors in the movie this time. And we got Alan Rickman. He's like, who's that? I was like, that's the guy from Die Hard. He goes, Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker. I was like, that's the other guy. I was like, what the hell?

I was like, the bad guy. And he goes, so what? And I was like, so what, man? That's Alan Rickman, man. That dude, he's British, and the Brits invented acting. So they ain't going to stand for your Snoochie Boochie's nonsense. I mean, you've got to come prepared and shit like that. And if he smells inauthenticity, he's going to leap on you, man. Like, that dude, they'll give you a cold, hard stare. They can destroy you, the Brits, man. So you've got to come prepared. And so our first rehearsal...

He came, you know, normally I rehearse with everybody, but I rehearse with him separately before we incorporate him into the normies. And so it was just me and him.

And I was like, where's your script? He goes, I don't need it. And I was like, bullshit. He's like, try me. And I start reading all the lines and he knows all his lines. I jump all over the script. He knows his lines in every scene. I was like, you memorized all your lines. And he goes, I memorized the whole script. I was like, what do you mean? He goes, I know everybody's lines. I was like, bullshit. He goes, try me. So I start reading Ben's lines. He's doing Matt's lines. I start reading Chris Rock's lines. He's doing Linda Fiorentino's lines back and forth.

I was like, you memorized the whole fucking script? Who are you, Rain Man? Like, why'd you do that? And he goes, I don't want to piss off that Rickman dude. And when he finally met Alan at the first rehearsal and talked to Alan and worked with Alan, afterwards he came back to the room because we shared, we had a suite. Like, he had a room, I had a room, we shared the living room because I had to keep my eye on him. And so he comes back to the room and he goes...

"That Rickman dude's a pussy. I could totally kick his ass." I said, "Why would you want to?" And he goes, "You said that I should be scared of him." I said, "As a performer." Like, you know, I meant fear or, like, respect and stuff. And they became such good friends. Like, Alan absolutely loved Jason. Jason, like, I've told the story a zillion times, but it's always worth telling. One of the weirdest things I ever saw on a movie set, "Stay With Me Forever,"

is um i i was set up that we're in the third act we're setting up a shot like we're all hell's breaking loose in front of the church and so i go to to the snack canyon table get some free m&ms and shit and as i'm walking past i see the weirdest fucking thing i ever saw alan rickman jason muse on the steps of the church deeply engaged in conversation and i remember thinking what the fuck could these two possibly have to say to one another

So I went over to Alan later on when he was by himself and I was like, hey man, if Jason Mewes is bothering you, you just tell me. And he goes, Jason Mewes could never bother me because Jason Mewes is the best that America can be. And I was like, what? And he goes, Jason Mewes is an American icon.

so forever since then, because I told Muse that night and he was like, what's an icon? And I told him, he was like, that's good. So forever, whenever like I correct Jason on something, I was like, you fucking did this wrong. He's like, which one of us is the American icon? But he became friends, man. It was lovely. And having that dude, he put on no airs whatsoever. Um,

He really dug the script and whatnot. And he did the movie for no money. When we did our screenings at Smod Castle for Dogma during the tour, we had the archives there at the comic book store. So we went through and pulled some cool shit to hang up on the walls.

And we found the original deal memos that we sent to like Alan Rickman's agent, Ben and Matt's agent and shit. So it's like, dear Patrick Weitzel, we'd like to offer your client Alan Rickman the role of Metatron. The offer is scale plus 10, which is like movie minimum wage and shit. So he gave us that brilliant performance for minimum wage, for the fucking like –

essentially 15 bucks an hour. You know, nowadays. Back then it was like five an hour and shit. So what a lovely man. I was always a fucking huge fan. Never thought about putting him in the movie because I loved him so much. I was like, why would you put Alan Rickman in a Kevin Smith movie? But he reached out to us, man. John Gordon, who worked at Miramax,

called me one day and he goes you'll never guess who came in here today i said who he goes alan rickman i was like hans fucking gruber was in the building did he blow it up or what he goes no man he was here to talk about this merchant ivory movie we want to put him in but all he wanted to talk about was whoever made chasing amy and i was like i made chasing amy he's like yeah man and he likes that movie you might we should send him the script

for Dogma. I was like, yeah, he could be Metatron. And the fastest yes I ever got in my career from an actor shy of Jason Mewes who says yes before you finish the title was Alan Rickman. How was getting Alanis Morissette? Awesome, easy. I had reached out to Alanis. Well, Alanis reached out to me. Like one day my agent called me. It was 1996.

And he goes, hey, man, you know that singer who sings about blowing dudes in movie theaters? Dave Cooley. I was like, I said, her name is Alanis Morissette. And he goes, she wants to meet you. I said, hopefully in a movie theater. And he goes, no, it's at a restaurant. And so I met her at this restaurant in 1996 called Montana's in Santa Monica.

And she was like, I'm a big fan. We just got done with the tour. It was Jagged Little Pill tour. She's like, and we watched Clerks every night on the bus to go to sleep and shit. And I was like, oh, that rocks.

I said, well, I got in my bag that I had with me because I had just gotten off the plane from Jersey, VHS dailies of everything on Chasing Amy because we just finished the movie. I said, well, I got the new movie right here in the bag. She goes, can I see it? I was like, well, it's not cut together, but I can show you scenes. And so we went back to her place and I showed her the rain scene and stuff. And she was like, oh, this is like Clerks, but classy. And I was like, yeah, man. I said, you should see the next movie we're doing, this movie called Dogma. It's about like angels and devils and stuff.

I said, you know what? You would be amazing, like, in the movie. You should play the lead. And she was like, me? I've never acted before in my life. I said, bullshit, you act in those music videos. Yeah. And you were on You Can't Do That on television, man. You acted like you didn't know the green slime was coming. That's acting. And she was like, no, I don't think I could carry a whole movie, man. Thank you, but no thank you. Then I didn't hear from her for a long time. And later on, we found Linda Fiorentino. She became our Bethany and stuff. So...

i'm driving out to pittsburgh to start shooting the movie from jersey it's like a six hour drive and i have one of the earliest cell phones um like a nokia or something like that and um it rang which is weird because it was really just for emergencies i answer i said hello and she goes kevin it's lance morrissey i said how'd you get this number she goes i called information um 411 and

and I was looking for your home, but they gave me your childhood home number. And so I spoke to your dad. What the fuck? And your dad gave me this number. He goes, oh, he's got a phone in the car at a big shot. Call him there. And so she's like...

I said, that does sound like death. She goes, so I said, what's up? And she said, you know, I just got back from India and I feel rested and I'm writing my new album. And as that song, Thank You, came from that trip. And she goes, but I remembered that before I left, you had asked me to play the lead in your movie. And I said, no, because I was scared and nothing good ever comes from fear. Like, you know, I tend to head towards the things that challenge me. And I didn't and I regret it. She's going, so this is me calling to say,

If there's anything left in the movie, I would love to come play with you. And I said, well, there's one small but crucial role that's left. And she said, what is it? I said, you could play God. And she goes, me? Why me as God? I said, because I always thought God would be Canadian. And she loved that. I'm going back. Live from New York, LA. What do you subscribe to? I subscribe to Multiverse Madness. Hey, Morty. Hey, Rick. I subscribe to Carrie's Catch Phrases. Hello, lovers. Hey.

On Prime Video, I subscribe to whatever I choose. All the channels I love in one app. I subscribe to Max. I subscribe to Paramount+. Anime on Crunchyroll. Bosses on BET+. I added on Build My World. I control my school. Because I choose what I subscribe to and where I do it. On Prime Video. Rick and Morty and Just Like That, available on Max.

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You need this big financial friend. Based on FICO score 8 model. Offers and approval not guaranteed. Terms apply. Offers not available in all states. See Experian.com for details. I have a Chasing Amy question. Fire away. So, our worst friend. His name is Holden McNeely. Oh, seriously? Wait. Spell it. Spell it. M-C-N-E-E-L-Y. That's wild. His name is Holden McNeely and he married a lesbian. Do you have any advice for him? No.

She was a gold star, too. And for some reason, I have no idea why she chose him. My advice for him is lawyer up, motherfucker. I'm stealing the plot of Chasing Amy and I won't have it. I don't have much in my life, Holden McNeely. Don't fucking take that from me.

How wild, man. That'd be like meeting Kevin Smithy. You know, in movies, if you take your name off a movie, it used to be you'd replace it with Alan Smithy. And I was always waiting to make a movie so bad that it could be a Kevin Smithy film. I know some people are like, you made it, buddy. But for my money, I haven't made it yet. One day, though, I will. You were also the first man in pop culture to make fun of podcast hosts.

Which I do want to say, again, that's a part of what made it legit, I feel like, in many ways. I honestly take great pride

in Tusk being the first movie that features podcasting. It's so new to the mainstream that Justin's character has to explain what a podcast is to the guy at the TSA, to the TSA agent. Or not the TSA, the customs agent in Canada. I mean, it was a great way to do it, but

Nowadays, you wouldn't even have to. You'd just be like, well, I'm a podcaster. Oh, dude, I travel with a microphone a lot of places, and I still have to do the same exact shit. Oh, yeah. Because they all look at the microphone like it's an old-timey TikTok bomb. It's the wires. And you're like, buddy, it's a fucking microphone. It's like, whatever. I'm glad they're searching. I remember somebody back in the day being like, explain it.

And, you know, it was like back in the day, I used to explain it like, have you ever listened to a commentary track on a movie? It's like a commentary track if there was no movie. LAUGHTER

It was incredible to watch it at the time because, you know, we were still kind of in the infancy of podcasting. But at that point, we've been doing it for like five or six years. And I was constantly explaining to people what a podcast was all the time. But it was so cool to finally like see it on the screen. Like I went and saw it in the theater to see like, oh, we're there. Yeah.

It means the fucking world for you to shout that out. Because I remember how important that was to me. Like, I love and still love it. But when we started, like, I loved podcasting. The idea of having, like, my own fucking radio show. Oh, yeah. Like, you know, where I came from in Jersey, there was a local radio station called WRAT, The Rat.

And I always dreamed, like, maybe one day I'd get enough money that I could buy the rat, play any music I wanted, and just sit around and talk whenever I wanted to. And then one day Scott Mosher comes into the office. He's like, have you heard the Ricky Gervais podcast yet? And I was like, what's a podcast? And he was just like, people sit around, man. They just talk. And Mosher was the one. He was like, it's kind of like a commentary track for a movie, but there's no fucking movie there and shit. And I was like, well, we can probably do one of these pods.

And I never listened to anyone. We just sat down and started doing one and shit. And, you know, it was this thing of like, my God, nobody's telling us what to do. Nobody's telling us to stop. We can talk about anything we want. I enjoy talking to this motherfucker. One thing it did spoil in my life, though, was I stopped talking to people until there was a microphone on it.

Because I'd be like so many times across, I'm sure it's happened to you, like, wait, wait, wait, save that for the show. Like, I do it with my kid to this day. My kid and I will be talking about something cool and I'm like, wait, wait, wait, save that for our show and stuff. So I noticed that early on, like as much as I love talking to Scott Mosier, it became reserved for when there was a microphone there because I was like, well, if we just talk to each other, it's wasted, man.

Like, but if we have a mic, it captures it. And I love that aspect. When I first started podcasting, like, you know, people had cell phones with cameras in them. That shit was on the rise, the smartphone and shit. So everyone started taking pictures. Everyone became a fucking photographer. So nobody's ever going to forget what anybody fucking looks like. But when a motherfucker dies, the first thing you lose is the sound of their voice. That's what I loved about podcasting back in the day is like,

capturing voices of people I love. I sat down with my mom, recorded podcasts, sat down with people who aren't with us anymore, like Stan Lee and so forth and recorded and their voices there. I'll never forget what they sound like. And so I love that. And I would encourage people all the time, like sit down, record podcasts with your parents or the grandparents and stuff like that, because you're going to be, you're going to need those voices one day, you know, pictures, you're always going to remember what they look like.

But the sound of their voice, the inflection, the tone, all that shit slips away. But now everybody knows what everybody sounds like until the end of time. So much so that an AI can duplicate you if it needs to. Oh, yeah, dude. It's going to be we're all going to end up in gay porn in Europe. I'm here for it, man. As long as they give me a cut. I just want to wet my beak a little. That's a laugh. That's all.

I honestly value, we had my mom on the show a bunch of times and I value it so much. She's a living life right. Extremely problematic woman but loved. If she was still alive she would be cancelled. But I get to have that. So it's very nice. Alright, who would win an arm wrestling match? Ben Affleck or Matt Damon?

Ben Affleck. Ben's got the size. I don't know if you've ever seen him, but Ben's a fucking giant. He's huge. And I wouldn't say Matt Short, but he's more my height. So Ben just has the fucking over-the-top advantage. As soon as Affleck turns his hat backwards, you're fucked. Do you ever miss being fat?

I still consider myself fat, so I don't miss it. In fact, I rue it. Like, and when I, like, I know I'm thinner now than I had been most of my life or most of my career. But when I take off these clothes, like, I don't see a thin person. I'm not cut by any stretch of the imagination. Same.

And I have been fat for so long that I've drapey fucking skin. So I always refer to it as like, remember in The Shining when Nicholson goes into the bathroom and a sexy chick gets out of the tub and shit, and then he's holding her, making out, and then all of a sudden he fucking looks at her, steps away, and she's like, ah! That's what my body looks like. It's also what Jack Nicholson looks like now. Obviously true. But he's earned it for heaven's sake. If you shave me, I look like I have the body of an abuelita.

Like of a Mexican granada. That's the thing. It's like, I don't take my shirt off like in public. I don't take my shirt off at home, but me and my wife been fucking 27 years. I've never taken my shirt off to have sex. Yeah, honestly. Yeah. So, Catman, what is the best bagel in Monmouth County?

Best bagel in Monmouth County. Let me see. Oh, Bagel Station. Bagels as big as your fucking head, man. They're huge. But made with that East Coast water so they have the consistency they need. Fuck, this bagel could feed a family of five for a day. Thank you very much. I appreciate that. Who is your number one underrated director that you think deserves more love?

Martha Coolidge. Martha Coolidge directed one of my favorite films of all time, Valley Girl. She directed Real Genius and she directed Rambling Rose three in a row. Bang, bang, bang. You get a trifecta like that today, they would call you the fucking future of cinema for the rest of your life. They would call you cinema itself.

But Martha, you know, worked at a time when directors didn't get the spotlight put on them as much. Yes, there have always been directors. And yes, there have always been well-known directors like Steven Spielberg, George Lucas, Martin Scorsese. But not everybody was ever that, you know, well-known and stuff.

So I thought she's still believed her to be incredible storyteller. Valley Girl not only set the tone for me for rom-coms and meet-cutes, but like it fed mine. I don't get to Clerks, Mallrats, or Chasing Amy without Valley Girl.

Real Genius introduces us to the brilliant Val Kilmer for the first time in a really fucking funny, clever film that still holds up today. And Ramblin' Rose, if I remember correctly, that was the movie. I don't think...

Laura Dern got a Academy Award nominated, but she was getting all the awards circuit talk that year and stuff like that. So three wonderful movies in a row. And she's had made many things since then, of course. But I never felt like she got the props she was due. So in the 430 movie, the movie I made last year, one of my characters talks about wanting to go to film school, wanting to go to RISD, the Rhode Island School of Design, just like her hero, Martha Coolidge. Yeah.

So you mentioned rom-coms and of course we're talking about Tusk. So what is more fun for you, a rom-com or a horror movie? Oh, such an interesting question. Making...

What it comes down to is how the audience is going to react. And surprisingly, the button that you fucking try to find and push for making people laugh is shockingly close to the one that makes people go, you know, that plays on their fears, that unsettles them as well. So I feel like, you know, I've always been like, I don't think I can make a true horror movie. Like that's for the likes of, you know, John Carpenter or somebody like that. I said, but I can unnerve people.

I think I could do that. So the horror movies I've made are more unnerving films like Tusk and Red State and stuff like that. And I've noticed that the reactionary buttons to laughter and fear, similar and very fucking close. In terms of which one's more fun, it's always more fun to make people laugh. Well, no. It's fun to make people scared.

But it's better to make people laugh because you make people scared. They'll remember you one way for the rest of your life. You make people laugh. They'll welcome you all the time because you gave them something at one point that was valuable to them and stuff. I'm not saying if you make them scared, they'll be like, but if you make them laugh, you get to make them breakfast. Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. Yeah. Clerks three made me cry. What the fuck? Yeah.

I was tear hunting. I really wanted to go in there. And here's the thing. I felt clerks was a total surprise, right? Like nobody saw it coming. The surprise of clerks too was like, oh shit, there's some heart to it. Like there's depth to it and it's in color and it doesn't take place where the first clerks took place and blah, blah, blah.

By the time you get to the third one, you're like, how the fuck can you surprise them anymore? And I was like, oh, I know how to surprise them. Like, we'll make a comedy, but then we'll take it real at the end. And I, you know, there's some people like...

who didn't like that uh some people felt like oh god he got too self-serious but for me it's like i'm a middle-aged man these are the things i fucking think about and my gift to the audience if you could call it that was with clerks three was a a reminder like hey man remember all those dreams you had and all those things you wanted to do and all the plans you've got hurry the fuck up you know it's just a gentle prodding of like kids we all die and as i now live in a world where

People I know and have known my whole life aren't with me anymore because they fucking passed. It fed what Clerks 3 became. So I personally, as the world's biggest Kevin Smith fan and somebody deeply invested in Clerks,

I love how it stuck the landing. I love how it's an Ouroboros. It's a snake that eats its own tail. And as much as they make clerks in clerks three. So I love the meta aspect of it. I love that we got to go home again, shoot in the store and have them shoot their movie in the store as well. So I, I, I absolutely adore that flick, but.

There's so many people who like hate me for it. I get on social media all the time. It was Friday night and I was looking forward to some laughs. So I rented clerks three, fuck you to death. Hashtag justice for Dante. Um,

Recently, I was in Jersey and I was at the, where was it? It's the Wawa, top of the hill in Highlands. And I went to get a Celsius and shit. And I walked in, nobody at the counter, just two machines. You scan yourself. I was like, well, this would be clerks for two machines. Yeah.

So I get my Celsius and like, I go to scan it and I can't scan it. And I'm trying to scan it to repeated times. I try and weighing it. That don't work and shit like that. I am totally stymied. And then a voice from behind me, a local goes, I bet you're sorry. You killed Dante now, motherfucker. But Dante, I'll tell you, man, Dante, there's a,

Clerks 3.5 that's coming out next month. It's called Archie Meets Jay and Silent Bob. It's a comic book that I did for the Archie people. Oh, how fun. And it's set in the continuity of Clerks. So it takes place after the death of Dante. And Archie Andrews gets like an after-school job at Quick Stop. Ha!

And Randall takes a shine to him because he reminds him of Dante, where he's like, oh, you've got two girls who are after you as well. And one of them's named Veronica. And you're a G-Shucks kind of guy. Jay and Silent Bob are in it as well. The whole thing ends at a Josie and the Pussycats concert in Riverdale. But it truly functions as Clerks 3.5 because in it, everybody acknowledges the fact that Dante is dead. You see what happened to Quick Stop.

after how it's changed in his absence. So I love it, man. Like, it's crazy. I'm a fan of Archie, but it's not like I'm the world's biggest Archie fan. But when the Archie folks reached out, I was like, you know, oddly enough,

I'm kind of equipped to write this. And the book is crazy wholesome while being, like, filthy. There's curses all throughout it. They're smoking pot. But the one thing is when I told people, like, oh, I'm doing this crossover, man, with Archie and Jane Silent Bob. They're like, are Jane Silent Bob going to fuck Betty and Veronica? And I'm like, no. No.

no jane son of bobber 50 and benny veronica are teenagers but it's a it's a wonderful book it comes out like next month but in all this clerk's talk it just reminded me of it because i'm like we continue the story oddly enough in the archie pages and by the way i loved those uh clerk's comics that you do with jim mafu back in the day for oni press those were so i actually have a a

a tattoo of a, like that. Well, it's a Jim Mahfoud art. Like I just love it so much. With the big fat black lines. He's a genius. Yeah. He's so good. He did our cover for, um, I do a book for dark horse, uh, uh, through my comic imprint secret stash press. Um,

and it's called Quick Stop. So it's all these like view-askew stories you would never make a movie for. But when they did the second hardcover, when they bind the four issues together, put it out as a trade, it's a hardcover trade. Mafu did our cover of, and it's Jay and Silent Bob almost like

Big Ed style in a van, a VW van with a movie like a spare tire cover and shit is absolutely beautiful. He's an absolute genius, that guy. Oh, yeah. And also like the comic book stuff that you like, you know, the Green Arrow run, like bring him back. Ollie Queen was so cool. And the book that drops today, man, my first Marvel book in forever.

Oh shit. Ages since I did a daredevil target years ago is called a giant size, the amazing Spider-Man. And I got a 15 page story in it. It's fucking gorgeous, man. It just hit the stands today. How do you have the time?

How in the... 15 pages. 15 pages. You just do so much shit. Yeah. But the thing is, it's stuff that appeals to me. So like when they reached out and they were like, do you want to... It wasn't for a giant size annual. They were going to do this Earth 616 book. So like, would you like to do a story for it? And I was like, oh, fucking yeah. So as soon as I got off the phone with Nick Lowe at Marvel...

I started writing because that appealed to me. I was like, oh, that's going to be fun. Same thing with the Archie book. As soon as I got off the phone with Jesse, the guy who runs the place, and he was like, would you like to do a book here? I said, absolutely. I instantly started writing because I was like, oh, that's fun. I got a bunch of ideas. So if you see me doing a bunch of things, number one, comics you do like six months to a year ago, right? So like the Archie book I wrote yesterday.

I want to say like at least six months ago or something like that. So now it's coming into fruition here. This Marvel story I wrote probably roughly around the same time, six to eight months ago. So seeing it in print today is dope. But I did the work back then. You make time for the work when it's stuff that you love. And it's, you know, it can't always be about like I'm getting paid to do a thing. Yes, you get paid to write, you know, 15 pages of a Marvel comic. But

Not a lot. We've written stuff for DC and Dark Horse. You know, so it's like you're basically, if you're a person who writes three or four titles a month, you can really make a living.

But if you're carpetbaggers like us, you're not there to collect the check. You're doing it for the passion. Just because you're like, what? You're going to let me do this shit? Done and done. So I still feel that way about comics. So when Nick Lowe at Marvel called up, when Jesse at Archie called up, you know, I was like, oh, shit. Yeah. And these are things that appeal to me. So it never feels like work. And there's another thing I just...

I guess I could say it, but I can't say what it is. But they're doing a Marvel-DC crossover, and I saw my name floated in there, so I did my work for that as well. That'll happen later on. That's nice. So you make space for the things that mean something to you. And yes, they pay. I ain't poo-pooing it. Like a thousand, two thousand bucks, nothing to sneeze at and shit. But literally...

But I've had agents for my day job who are like, why are you wasting your time writing comics? I can get you paid like 100 times the amount you got paid for that comic book to write a real script. And I was like, yeah, but I wouldn't have the passion, the enthusiasm, because that would be a job. This...

I did, like, with utter joy. It ain't about the money. It's like, you're going to let me fucking play with Reed Richards? Done and done. Yeah, because then you also don't have to go in front of a bunch of executives and pitch it and get noted to death and have to go through all of the things that you have to go through when you're working. And you never once have to be like, who's going to pay for this? This seems expensive because somebody's drawn it. Some artist is spending time, not dimes. So in comics, you know,

They've always been a big part of my world and stuff. Of course. I love now being a publisher. I love having Secret Stash Press. And now I'm starting, because of Secret Stash Press...

I feel it's like, all right, I should start doing more crossovers. The Archie thing happened very easily and came to my front door. It was such a delight that now I'm going to keep going. We're going to cross over with some other imprints as well. I'm looking at all the Rocky and Bullwinkle stuff behind you. Big fan of Rocky and Bullwinkle. Thank you. Is Moose Jaws a crossover? Moose Jaws is. Look at this Rocky and Bullwinkle shit.

Oh, wow. Shit, wow. Man, amazing. See that giant Bullwinkle sitting right there? That came from the Dudley-Duride Emporium back in the day. They just had an auction recently, and I bought that. Did you set up to create a Rocky and Bullwinkle room, or did it just happen on its own? You know, honestly, this is so ironic. Like, this office didn't look like this six months ago. What had happened was, remember we had the fires here in town? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

So I live right next to Runyon Canyon. And so they've actually evacuated us because they're like, hey, man, the fire's hitting the canyon. And we left with nothing, left everything in the house, just grabbed the dogs and fucking took, you know, my computers and shit. And she took her jewelry and we fucking fled. And I look back and I saw the flames coming up over the hill. And I was like, well, that's it. There goes everything I own and all my childhood shit and fucking like the things I've held on to my whole life. Fuck.

Like, oddly enough, one of the only things I brought with... Two things I brought with me besides my laptop. I brought my Silent Bob outfit because I was like, well...

I'll have to work eventually. And then I brought my father's ashes, which I was like, why? He's already pre-burned and shit. So when we left, I thought that was it. And I kept watching from my phone. We got the security cameras on the phone waiting for the fire to get here. But they dropped water. They did those water bombers and shit, put out the Runyon fire. So I got to go back that night.

And you would imagine it would, the effect would have been, you know, let go of all your earthly possessions. Because clearly I was ready to. Like I did. I drove away and I was like, man, fucking there goes my photo albums all throughout my childhood. Scrapbooks I kept. The certificate that clerks got into fucking cans. Shit like that. My marriage certificate, which you noticed came way last. So, yeah.

So when I came back, you'd imagine I would have kind of gone monk-like and been like, hey, man, it's time to get rid of things. And instead I went hard in the other direction. And I started collecting Rocky and Bullwinkle, which has been a big thing for me. I used to collect it when I was a kid, like up into my early 20s. Then clerks happened and I started doing my own thing. So I don't know if it was like somebody told me like, this is deeply psychological, Kevin. Like you went, you know, obviously that fire was traumatic for you, but it wasn't. We didn't lose anything.

But maybe the threat of, I don't know, but it resulted in me buying a fuck ton of Rocky and Bullwinkle shit on eBay for the next two months after the fire. Like a fucking junkie. Every day I'd be like online going, I don't have that. I don't have that. I started bidding. Then I went to Facebook Marketplace, man, which was a whole new discovery for me. And I started buying shit and going to pick it up in the real world. And then people would be like, it is you.

I was like, yeah. Give me the shit. Give me my Bullwinkle shit. I like a discount as much as the next guy. Then I just started buying Kevin Smith off fucking Facebook Marketplace and then showing up just to watch their expressions change. They're like, why are you buying a Jay and Silent Bob figure? I was like, why do you think? Yeah.

Man, that is the ultimate lesson as an artist. I really appreciate it. Yeah, man, you're reinvesting in yourself. I am. Get to that point in your career, kids, where you can buy yourself from strangers just to watch them smile or be puzzled. But yes, Moose Jaws is coming, man. I was just on the aforementioned Bert Kreischer podcast last week, and I was like, hey, man, be in Moose Jaws. And he was like, I would love to. That's a funny idea. So that might give us...

Some wind under our wings, man. I sent him the script, but I haven't heard back from him yet, but I know he's a busy guy. I don't think you can read it. We also had our budget to break down our effect shots. How many of the shots will be CG? That is a moose running through the brush and stuff. And how much will be practical? Rubber moose, you know, with animatronics biting kids' heads off. So we're getting closer. It will happen. And the inside dope about that is...

Moose Jaws is if you loved Tusk the story continues in Moose Jaws yeah I love how you bring it all back dude I really do love the world of your stuff this has been so special yeah I mean really one thing that I have to ask you that I want to ask you is like I know back in the day you worked a little bit on a Superman movie or there was like you know possibility of a Superman movie and you know you're in comic books you've done a lot of work for Marvel

Is there any possibility of you doing something in the Marvel Cinematic Universe?

Nah. I mean, like, number one, I'm not talented enough to do that. And I'm not being shy or whatever, fuck, or modest. I know I've got some degree of talent when it comes to doing Kevin Smith type things. But those movies, like, that takes a degree of talent that I don't have, a visual panache that I don't have. And, you know, when you're in comics, like all these comics that I've been writing and all the comics I've ever written, it's

I have the ability to write, you know, Doctor Strange waves his hand and a wall opens up. Some amazing talented artist brings that to life. They're visually oriented. I'm a wordsmith. So at the end of the day, like, I never feel a call to make one of those movies. Those movies are my religion, though. That's what I love to fucking watch. My grandmother used to watch Young and the Restless, and she'd be like, don't talk to me. My stories are on.

superhero movies, those are my stories, man. I'm religious about them. I treat them overly seriously. I look up to the people that make them. But I don't have it in me to make them myself. I don't think I could do it. I don't think I'm talented enough to do that kind of storytelling. Believe me, nobody's... Kevin Feige ain't calling, so there's no threat or worry there whatsoever. Back in the day, I directed some CW shows. I did Supergirl and Flash. Three Flashes, I think, four Supergirls.

And I enjoyed it. Those were like a good time, man. But they shot for nine days as opposed to like, you know, those features shoot for sometimes a year. And by day six or seven, I was always like, are we still shooting this shit? We're not done yet. Like,

I kind of get restless easy. And shooting a dialogue movie, you're shooting tons of pages, like seven pages a day. Shooting superhero movies, you're lucky if you shoot a quarter page of a day because, you know, you're shooting spectacle. So I love those movies so much, but making one is anathema to me. You might as well be like, did you ever want to be an astronaut, Kev? I was like, well, it sounds fun, but like, not really. You know, like...

I mean, but I've done that to some degree as well. But, you know, I'd rather, honestly, if I was going to write, I know don't pay as much, but I'd rather write a comic book. It's as you said before.

total control i didn't have to do any fucking notes i didn't have to sit in front of anybody and pitch it i didn't have to educate them on who these fucking characters were and shit like that and show them the box office grosses i was just like oh i'm gonna tell this story and they're like oh my god go yeah so that's when it comes to spectacle visual spectacle you got to pair me up with an artist and then i could give you something like even on dogma years ago before i went off to make dogma

A month before I left Jersey to go to Pittsburgh, I call up Robert Rodriguez because I had met Robert because, I mean, I knew him through indie film a little bit, but we became more friendly. He called me up one day and he goes, Warner Brothers wants me to direct your Superman script.

And I was like, you should fucking do that. That's a great combo, dude. I said, that would be amazing. I said, oh my God. I said, the script's fun, but you would make it something fucking special. So for like a couple of days, we talked about it and stuff. And then ultimately he decided to go make the faculty for Dimension because he felt he owed Dimension. So we became friendly because of that. Right before I go shoot Dogma, I called up Robert one night and he was like, what's up? I was like, hey man, so I'm supposed to go make Dogma next month.

This is me calling to be like, would you direct Dogma for me? He goes, what are you talking about? I was like, I like this script so much, man. I was like, it could be a cool movie, but I'm telling you right now, like, I'm not the guy for it. Like, I can't pull it off and stuff. Like, we got a bigger budget this time around. I said, I think you would be the right person to do it. And he talked me off a ledge. He goes, Kevin, you can direct this. He's going, my only piece of advice to you

is that instead of having a wall behind two characters who are talking to each other, put a window, put some depth. He's going, "The only problem with your storytelling in film

is that you stand two people against a wall and shoot that. He's going, you can't, you need depth in a film. And I was like, all right. And so mercifully, I got to go make the flick with Bob Yeoman. Like Wes Anderson let his DP out of the box for like one minute and stuff like that. But fucking that, Bob made it beautiful for what it was and stuff. I'm not your comic book movie guy. Hold on one second.

Your Jaws pinball machine is here. Kids. You're going to... I'm so sorry. No, no, no. You just bought a pinball machine. Jennifer came in and she never comes down to my office. So I'm like, oh my God. Yeah, you have to get a merger. But she came in to tell me, and this will be relevant to our discussion. I just received a Jaws pinball machine. Yeah!

So they're delivering it now, and I need to go take pictures with the people who are bringing it. That is the greatest excuse ever. Dude, I got to say. It is. I really hate to be 1% or first world, but I must go. You have to go. Steve, my jaw is pinball game. Dude, thank you for your years of work, and thank you for talking to us. We're really very so happy that we got this. It means the world, man. When they told me that you guys wanted me on, I knew the show, and right away I was just like, oh, I can't wait to talk horror with these guys. So thank you.

hell yeah thanks so much we appreciate it go see dogma check it out it's a little old flick oh it's so much fun to see in the theater i love seeing old movies in the theater if nothing makes me happier i'm so glad it's back i'm so glad you're still fucking amazing and relevant and check out the smod castle film festival it was so much fun and uh submit to that as well

Thank you, sir. It means the world. It means the world. Thank you. I'll see you later. Peace. See you, man. Get some quarters. Bye, everybody. Live from York Lane.

pinball machine that's so cool what a cool life what a cool life what a dream yeah especially like a jaws pinball machine i don't even like pinball but i want four of those seeing the amount of bollinkle stuff that he got in one go it truly was i was like that's you see that's what nerds do that's what nerd that's what nerd lord is supposed to do yeah yeah you get obsessed about that one thing and you just decide i'm going to devote a room

to this weird thing. I just realized he's able to write off the Jaws pinball machine because he's writing Moose Jaws. Yeah, dude. So he just gets to write off a pinball machine. It's research. That is unbelievable. It is a legitimate research for him to sit there and be like... But hey, but...

And then everybody gets on my ass about having a whole closet dedicated to Selena Gomez. And everyone says, oh, you said all these disparaging words about her, but actually you might be secretly sort of obsessed with her. And then I did sort of become like that. Yeah, yeah. Well, the closet's better than it being in the living room. Hey, Natalie nicked that in the book.

It was just covered in my stuff. Is the lock still holding on the closet? I just keep pulling and pulling and pulling and pulling. It's shut, sealed with semen. I'm taking it. I have to hide it for myself.

God, I want to be her. I want to be her. I want to be that little girl. Henry, it's so nice to have you here. That's my Selena Gomez. Hi, hello, Mrs. Gomez. Or is it Mr. Gomez? Henry, your attraction to me is...

Scary. You are scary good. Well, thank you so much for listening, everybody. As always, if you're in the Atlanta area, we're going to be playing the Coca-Cola Roxy tomorrow night. Yes. So there may be tickets. There may not be, but check them out and see if you can come on out. We got some new surprises for this live show. We do. That we're very excited to unveil for the first time. Things had to change due to what God did. Yeah.

And then July 12th we'll be in Salt Lake City. Yeah. Come check that show out as well. Yeah, can't wait for Salt Lake. Salt Lake is always such a good time. It's such a good crowd. I always say it. Salt Lake goes hard. They go hard every fucking time. And I can't fucking wait for it. It's going to be such a good time. Hell yeah. I hope you come hard. Yeah. Yeah. And then leave...

quietly yeah and if you want to see the actual video footage from this interview go to patreon.com slash last podcast on the left and pay a minimal fee for both video episodes and to see last stream on the left every Tuesday at 6 p.m. PST 9 p.m. EST and you can chat with us as we do the show yes and go to our YouTube page LPN TV it's

at LPN TV. We got it. We got that. When you go and you subscribe, you could see all of our new content, all of our comedy based content and go subscribe to all the other new shows

Last Podcast Network Associated YouTube channels. Someplace underneath, LPN Romantasy, The Foreign Report, No Dogs in Space. You go and check it out. I think we need more. Oh, and who's the bee? Yeah. Can we get like seven more? I'm doing my best! I'm doing my best!

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