Episode 583: Aliens Attack Part II - The Falcon Lake Incident & Kelly-Hopkinsville Encounter
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Hello! Ed Larson and Amber Nelson from the brighter side here to check in with you, see how you're doing. Is your day more disappointing than a gas station sandwich? Are you trying to put one foot in front of the other in a glue factory? Did you try to throw your air fryer in the bathtub but nothing happened because you were too lazy to plug it in first? Aww.

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Oh, caudate putamen. Caudate putamen. The caudate putamen is where psychic abilities lie inside of the brain. The caudate putamen. And who is telling you that the caudate putamen is where the psychic abilities lie in the brain? I was reading the preface to the new Lou Elizondo book. And he talked about the caudate putamen. In what context? He said that maybe when we're having psychic experiences,

How do you put it? Like a tête-à-tête with an alien when you're having psychic communications with an alien because they believe. So Lou Elizondo was trained in remote viewing as a part of his way in when he did. Because apparently the hemisphere, the hemi-sync thing,

technology that was given to the CIA by the Monroe Institute was taught to a lot of these guys that worked in counterterrorism as a way to apparently he was taught how to be psychic. And he says the Kodeputemen is where aliens and us meet up. It's the hotel lobby.

We're aliens and us talk. So how does this jive with the third eye people, with the pineal gland people? It actually probably is in there, but pineal glands at this point are entirely crusted over. There's plastic in the semen. They're all calcified because of the fluoride in the water. It's in the water. It's why we can't be psychic. It's how we didn't know what was going to happen 10 days ago was going to lead to a democratic surge. We had no idea because we couldn't activate our cardiopulmonary damage.

I think it's great we have plastic in our semen. Hey, whatever. I'm just glad that it's going somewhere. Yeah, it's going to be sticking around on Earth a lot longer. Welcome to the last podcast on the left, ladies and gentlemen. My name's Marcus Parks. I'm here with the heavily plastic-semened Henry Zebrowski. Man, my semen's Teflon. Yeah, man. It don't even stick to my wife. I came a water bottle.

That's Ed Larson. He came an entire water bottle. You're like a recycling plant. That's right. They put it in me and I shoot them out. Hey, hey, whatever goes in the butt comes out the dick. That's what I've heard. Poland Springs. Hey, just so you know, before we get into today's incredible chapter of alien attacks, I did want to address something up top.

And I know that it's Colorado, not Wyoming. Yeah, yeah, so good work. Good work. Now. Now. One day we're going to undress something up top and it's going to be so hot. I always do, but I get yelled at for my nipples on YouTube. But I...

did some research and I got some great feedback from people. And one of the big questions that came back was hot dog penis, Phil Schneider, how? Yeah. And I got really like a disconcerting email from a nurse that says apparently, and this is just something we all get to look forward to. There's a thing called urethral erosion. Okay. That happens

when you have a catheter in too long, which is what Phil Schneider had. I guess if you don't properly... I think with a catheter, I might be incorrect, but I believe you're supposed to... Like you're supposed to kind of pull it in and out every once in a while. Clean it occasionally. I think so. It's covered in piss and blood. Yeah, you're not supposed to set it and forget it. No, I don't think you're supposed to leave anything like that in your body for too long in a period of time. I don't think so because what it does is it turns your

penis into a very, very wicked loaf of bread. And eventually it eats through the urethral lining and creates a split in the penis. And that's what Phil Schneider was dealing with. And the blood that was on the crime scene when they found him was probably the blood from him yanking the catheter out of his penis. Oh, in order to kill himself because the pain was so bad. Yeah. In other words, there was a reason why the cops had told the family, let it go.

It wasn't a conspiracy. It's just you're going to throw up. So you're going to be upset. You're going to want to forget about this and move on. So he filleted his own penis to get that out? Yep.

Quite possible. Well, no, but the old-fashioned way, rope pulley. Oh, rope pulley. I thought he cut it up the vein. No, no. Like a lawnmower. Like a lawnmower. That's one of the possibilities at the very least. Hey, and I'm down for any possibility that's out there. Yes, and if you're still listening, thanks for joining us.

So our next story of alien attacks. When aliens attack too! Occurred near Winnipeg, Manitoba in the year 1967. Although it is debatable as to whether this one was a deliberate attack or some sort of accident. Like say, like if a trucker runs over a deer, would you call that an attack?

By the deer. I'd say it's attacked by the deer. Yes. And that will be one of the questions we shall be asking on this episode. Very, very good. I actually feel like this is more of running into an alien's version of the club. Hmm. Interesting. This is all about

Don't touch a parked UFO. Yeah. But no matter the intention, the person involved in what came to be known as the Falcon Lake incident was indeed injured by his encounter with a UFO and suffered continuous health problems as a result of his encounter with the unknown. Which is very, very common outside of a direct physical attack.

As we know, one of the big things that they are currently researching inside of the world of the anomalous phenomena, all these various new Pentagon programs like OSAP, what they are trying to look at, one of the big things they're looking at is about how people get extremely sick when they're around any of this stuff.

and how that will eventually be one kind of a way we could weaponize it. But it's really more of the disconcerting thing of like, why do you get some form of weird body rash slash pink eye slash cancer from a UFO? If I saw a UFO, I would have to touch it.

You think so? I think if I saw one just sitting outside and it crashed, I'd be like, so we're all going to get in there, right? Yeah, of course. Because we're just trying not to go back to work. Well, our subject today for this first story is a Polish immigrant named Stefan Michalik.

who settled in Winnipeg with his wife and children following World War II. An uncomplicated man, Stefan worked as a mechanic at the Inland Cement Company and never had any interest in UFOs before his encounter. I like the color gray. Your name ends in a holic just in case.

I work in things that stand still. Well, Stefan's passion was actually amateur prospecting. And every spring, he would head to the forests and mountains of Manitoba to prospect for minerals, silver, or if he was lucky, gold. Gold! That Canadian gold! Polish gold is copper. Yeah, Polish gold is copper. LAUGHTER

I heard that. Believe me, I got turned away from many jewelers with a pile of gold as gold. Those are pennies, sir. Lincoln, you lied. And so it was on one of these solo prospecting trips in the spring of 1967 that Stefan had his unfortunate encounter.

I don't mean to insult any other amateur prospectors, but it sounds like great fun. I love rock. I think that this is good for you, but it does feel like it. It's an extremely sad man's hobby. I think I would, I would put it above metal detectors. Absolutely. It sounds like he wasn't that above metal detectors. Like it's, you know what it is?

Why do I feel like if I had a metal detector, if I just do it kind of in my neighborhood or close, like that's kind of like, that's fine. It's cute. It's an affectation. But if I travel to stay in a hotel...

to metal detect all morning, that's a cry for help. But he's not metal detecting. I think this is a beautiful thing. I would love to, this is, it's an excuse to go out into wilderness. It's giving yourself an activity to do as you wander the God's great, beautiful Canadian wilderness. Every rock is a member of the rock family. That's all I can see him doing each time. Just being like, and there's a rock.

Igneous. Another rock. I think it's cooler than actual. Yeah, I agree with you, Marcus, because at least you're going out to nature. You're going to get it yourself. You know, when you're metal detecting, you're just looking for other people's shit. Yeah, dude. Yeah, you're a scrounger. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, on May 19th, Stefan took a bus to Falcon Lake in the Whiteshell area, 80 miles east of Winnipeg, and got a motel room. He took a bus to a motel to go look at rocks? Yeah. That's fine. No, it's good. It's good. Yeah, it's great. You know, it's not a rich man's hobby. He's an uncomplicated man. That's how I describe him. I like the color gray.

He awoke at dawn the next day and left at 5.30 a.m. Definitely, because those rocks get up early. You got to make sure you get out there as soon as you can, because other people, they won't be there around and around the good rocks. Yeah, what's the saying? The early worm gets squished by the rock? He carried a map, a hammer, a compass, protective goggles with green lenses, paper and pencil, and a few snacks.

Now around noon, Stefan was working some quartz out of the ground when he noticed that some nearby geese had been frightened by something and were fleeing the scene. Get away from my geese! My quartz geese! These are my rocks, geese. I claim these rocks with my eyeballs, but I will leave them here for the good of nature.

But when Stefan looked to the sky, he saw two cigar-shaped UFOs descending upon his location. But as they got closer to the ground, the classic cigar shape described by so many UFO witnesses became more of an oval, and both craft flew together completely coordinated as if they were one ship. Cool. But suddenly, the ship farther away stopped its descent as the ship closed.

Closer to Stefan Continued its way to the ground I see a very interesting rock Down here All right Mr. Boring Man I'm gonna go look at Space tits It landed on a rock About 50 yards from where Stefan was standing

The other ship, more menacingly, floated over to Stefan and descended until it was only 15 feet above him, and it hovered there for three minutes. It then ascended, changed color from red to orange to gray, tilted, turned bright orange, then flew away without ever making a sound. I hate the color orange. It's too exciting.

The other UFO, however, hadn't moved from its landing spot, although it was shifting colors from red to reddish gray to light gray, sometimes even glowing with a goldish hue like hot stainless steel.

But the most impressive action the ship took was when it opened at the top and emitted a purple light so bright it hurt Stefan's eyes. That's cool. I like the purple light. It feels like Prince is in it. Yeah, man. Now, as it often happens in situations like this, Stefan found himself unable to move for some time and could only stare at the UFO as warm air began wafting from the open hatch carrying the pungent odor of sulfur. UFO was farting. Mm-hmm.

Stefan also heard a sound which he described as a soft murmur, like the whirl of a tiny electric motor, paired with a hissing sound that seemed to be the result of air being sucked into the craft.

After a while, Stefan was either allowed to move again or he got over the shock of what he was looking at because a lot of people freeze when they see UFOs. That is honestly one of the big explanations of why, which is the major complaint across all of various the all the various portals on the Internet. It's like if we have these super incredible cameras in our pockets.

and are disposable at all times. Why in the fuck is there not any good primo footage that much, which you've seen me, you've seen some examples of very good footage. I've seen examples of footage. I've shown you both some very compelling UFO shapes. But the idea is that because of the psychic nature, because of the caudipotamum,

The UFO and you connect, and oftentimes you are held in a moment of awe instead of reaching for your phone to take pictures of it because you are now communing with the eternal. Dude, I don't even take pictures at birthday parties. No.

Yeah, I know many pictures of my friends. I'm really bad at all. Me too. College of my first five years in New York, I got nothing. No pictures. It didn't even exist. No, it's true. We had no pictures. So once he was able to move again, Stefan pulled out his paper and pencil so he could take down a sketch of the craft.

Wanting more details, Stefan got brave enough to walk towards the UFO, although he had to be careful to not look directly into the purple light because doing so caused red dots to appear in his vision. It did sort of like it is both. It seems like the UFO is both telling him to go away and come here. Like it's laying on the idea that it's laid on a rock in front of him and ostensibly opened its butthole.

At him. It's shooting for waves at him. But it's also sort of beckoning a little bit. It's like, come, see the butthole. Screw my butthole. Come, don't you want to be near this butthole? And so he goes towards it. It was a trap. Classic trap. Never follow an open butthole anywhere. Spoiler alert.

But when Stefan got closer and closer to the craft, he heard human-like voices, which he thought sounded American. So Stefan edged to the craft's opening and called out, quote, Okay, Yankee boys, having trouble? He was actually Polish. Okay, Yankee boys, you're having trouble now. Okay.

Zip jet. There was, of course, no answer. So Stefan tried the same greeting in Russian, German, Italian, French, Ukrainian, and finally, in what I think was a bit of wishful thinking, Polish. If only. If only. But still, he got no response. Man, he knows a lot of languages for simple mechanics.

Yeah, well, he came from Europe after World War II. So I would imagine he came from a point in Poland where a lot of people spoke a lot of different languages, at least enough to have like conversationally get along. It was like that in Poland? I thought Poland was a monoculture. I don't know. I'm not really sure about that. I haven't really discovered anything about our people. No, no, no, no. Everything that you do discover, you're going to find out it's actually pretty troubling.

Yeah. We sort of let the Nazis in. Yeah. It's lots of vodka and sausage, I imagine. No, there's some troubling politics as well, but hey, I love eagles. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I would imagine just living in a central European state, you pick up a lot of different languages. Sure. But do you think he wasn't just like, hello? Hello. Hello. Hello. I mean, I guess I know hello in like four different languages at least. Yeah. Yeah. Well,

Well, he then got a little braver and approached the open hatch so he could look inside the craft through the opening that was emitting the purple light. See, Stefan's prospecting goggles had green lenses for contrast enhancement, which made it easier to spot subtle color variations in rocks and minerals to find specific ores or gemstone and

And so, with that green filter, Stefan found he could look into the purple light. And when he leaned over and looked into the craft, he saw a maze of lights, direct beams running in horizontal and diagonal paths that flashed with no discernible pattern or purpose. Like Xanadu. Yeah. Or ELO. Yeah, very much like ELO. Cool. I wonder if Jeff Lynn was on that. Because it looked like it. Him going down there and being like, hey man, yeah. You ever heard my new song, Telephone? Yeah.

Now, Stefan guessed that the craft's walls were about 20 inches thick. That was the last detail he noticed.

It seemed like someone else had noticed he was taking a peek because two panels quickly slid over the hatch opening and a third panel dropped down from above, closing the hatch entirely. As it has been described again and again, Stefan was amazed to see that the craft had no seams or soldering after the hatch was closed, giving it the appearance of being a single piece of metal. How does flying machine work without steam? Ha ha ha!

But this is when the UFO seemingly attacked. After the hatch closed, a screen opened, appearing to be a part of some sort of ventilation system. The craft then tilted suddenly and a sharp beam of heat shot from the craft directly at Stefan, who felt a searing heat in his chest as his clothes caught fire. You're the one

I know. I know. I try my hardest to give this a little bit of legitimacy and give it some suspense and give it some mystery. Oh, man, there's so much mystery that it tilted and this beam of heat shot his chest and his shirt caught aflame and you're fucked up. You made us go to contact in the desert. Marcus and I didn't ask. A true artist works his whole life just to let it go.

He tore off his shirt and threw it to the ground. So he did get caught on fire. Yeah, he got caught on fire. He got caught on fire, and also he did touch it with his hand. So he went and he touched it with his glove, and the first thing that happened is the tips of his glove all fucking melted. And he was just like, oh gosh, my gosh. And then it zapped him with the fart ray, and he literally burst into flames. Yeah. But once Stefan was no longer on fire, the craft ascended with a rush of air, changed color and shape, then disappeared in an instant. Ah!

See, that was the time to do it. Stefan said that the only things left behind were the smell of sulfur and some moss that had been set aflame, which Stefan quickly stomped out. He then checked his compass and watched as it spun wildly for several minutes before it finally righted itself.

Now at this point, Stefan's whole day was just fucking ruined. I will never find rocks while on fire. He's probably naked. I scare every goose. I scare every gerbil I see looking for rock now. Fully naked, hair suit as hell. Like an ape at the river.

Well, he didn't feel much like prospecting anymore. So he started examining the site where the craft had landed. But as he approached the area, he said he became incredibly nauseated and he got a headache.

But once he stood at the site itself, he said that it looked as if it had been swept clean with the broom. No debris, no broken branches, and no disturbed rocks. Instead, he said all that remained was a six-inch tall mound of dirt about 15 feet in diameter. Okay. No one could pile, no human can pile dirt like this.

Now, Stefan's headache got worse almost immediately, which was followed by weakness and near constant vomiting. Man, Polish vomiting is hard, too. You see it all over Greenpoint. I mean, yeah, I've done it. Yeah, I've seen both of you Polish vomit. I've seen Polish vomit in Poland. I'm the only one here who's actually been to Poland. I know, it's upsetting. How did he go to the father country and we haven't? I don't know, but we need to do a pilgrimage at some point. No, I want to go to Zwiek factory. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, it's beer. Yeah. Yeah. I went because my wife wanted to go to Auschwitz, and so did I. Hey. I want to go to Auschwitz. You should. It's weird to say. Dude, buy tickets now. They sell out. Yeah. They're crazy, dude. The laser show at Auschwitz is out of control, but don't bring a bong in. They'll kick you out. Yeah. But do stop by the snack bar that's just outside the door. It's all right. I bought a donut. Nice.

Now, the vomiting was strange because Stefan claimed that he hadn't been sick in 25 years. Never sick! It's a true immigrant's lifestyle. Yeah, it is. But despite this, Stefan said that he couldn't make it more than a few steps before he had to stop and vomit again and again.

Furthermore, the red dots that had previously been caused only by looking into the purple light began to fill his vision and large red spots appeared all over his chest where he'd been burned by what we can only assume was a UFO exhaust port. It did also kind of seem like one of those alarms, like you're stepping too close to the vehicle. Viper, viper. Yeah. Why don't they do that anymore?

With cars. Because they don't work. Car alarms don't work. People just ignore them. And since people ignore them, it gives the thief plenty of time to disarm them and then just steal the car anyway. They don't work at all. But can't you say something like, this car is not filled with gold. Like, I don't know. That'd be so fun. Viper. Viper. Disoriented. Disoriented.

Stefan finally made it to the highway about a mile from where he entered the forest earlier that day. From there, he found an RCMP station, Royal Canadian Mounted Police, and told the local Mountie his entire story. The Mountie, of course, didn't believe him, so Stefan was left to deal with it on his own. Now the RCMP is one of the largest UFO studying bodies in the world. Really? The RCMP actually take UFO sightings extremely seriously in a Canadian serious fashion.

where they, you know. They work on it three hours a day? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Once a month? Yeah, and if they see you working on it, they tell you how they could do it better than you. But then they're not going to do it better than you. They're just going to tell you how they'd do it better. But they want to go on vacation. Working for the weekend. It's a whole country that's working for the weekend. Yeah, good for them. Stefan worried that whatever he'd been exposed to might be contagious, that he'd been irradiated somehow. So he, unlike Phil Schneider, was hesitant to go back to his motel room.

But since he was exhausted and the only other option was to lay down and die on the side of the road, he decided to risk it. Again, this is also super immigrant-y of the fact that he was set on fire. His shirt was set on fire. I mean, I count that as set on fire. Do you? Yeah. Oh, yeah. If I didn't have a shirt anymore...

If I burned a hole in my shirt, that's burning all of my shirt. If there's enough flames to consume my shirt and I take it off, if I'm walking around no shirt on, I've been set on fire. It also is covered in red dots, which I assume are burns. Yeah, they could be. Radiation burns. Once he returned to his room, he documented everything he'd just seen and experienced in his journal. After that, he went to the Motel restaurant and asked a server if there was a doctor on staff.

She said their local physician wouldn't arrive until July. And the nearest doctor was 45 miles away. Jesus Christ. But they definitely had flapjacks. No doctor, no police. But there's a diner. Yeah. Which is their courthouse. And so Stefan returned to his room and called his wife.

And he's just sitting there, no shirt on, no rocks.

He's got a shirt by now. He went back to the hotel, so he got an extra shirt. And so you just sit there. You didn't get to see any rocks. You're all fucking rock blue balls. He had a rock morning. I mean, but I don't know if he got too much rocks. Not too much. And then once that happens, that ruins the whole rock vibe because you know, the whole point is to sit out there with the rocks, have a couple of beers, sit more with rocks.

Go back, eat a sandwich, go back out to the rocks, sit there for a while. It ruined the whole thing for him. Now he's got to take the bus. Yeah. I say don't get mad at the rocks you can't find. Be happy about the rocks you see.

You're right. It's a good way to live life. Every day. Especially crack rocks. Well, once on the bus, Stefan sat in the back as far away from everyone else as he could get. I certainly was not just set on fire by Elliot. And anybody wants to feel bad for a man. And when his son picked him up in Winnipeg, he was taken to the Misericordia Hospital to see if someone could figure out how to treat his ailments.

Now, it seems like it is on record that Stefan told the doctor who treated his burns that he was hit by exhaust coming out of an airplane. Which is just as insane as a UFO. Yes. But Stefan, in his book, My Encounter with the UFO. Can you say it correctly? My Encounter with the UFO. Thank you. You're supposed to take the vowel. My Encounter with UFO. Yeah. Never good. Always bad. Hate sharks. Leave the past. Leave the past.

Shirt pad rock cool. By Stefan Mihalakas. Sent to Penguin. He sleeves it outside of the zoo. You publish book, Penguin. Hey, I know you, Penguin. I know you publish book. If not, I choke you to death. You endangered fucking pig. You pig bird.

It's fucking stupid. All right, we'll spit out my book. Well, he said in his book that neither he nor the doctor spoke great English. So something was probably lost in translation. Well, he sounded feared, and he came in, and he did have a really insane explanation. He was covered in burns. Yeah. Yeah, it was all weird. Left from Northland.

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I know that smell. You know what I mean? Yeah. Bad lips.

Oh, yeah. Or they got like stomach problems sometimes. Oh, yeah. When it smells like pure acid. Yeah. The smallest mercy was that he'd finally stopped throwing up, but only if he didn't eat.

Eventually, the only thing he could keep down was toast, eggs, and milk. And in the following months, he dropped 20 pounds. Honestly, that's all I really like to eat anyway. Toast, egg, milk. Milk, water, vodka. Nauseous all the time and milk was on the list? Yeah, milk helped. Milk helped. They say shit to my father. Like, doctors, like...

A doctor talks to me, I'm in 2024. When a doctor talks to my father, it's 1924. He says stuff like, you know, if your father didn't drink five glasses of milk a day, I don't think he'd still be here. Or like, you know, if you stopped your father from smoking cigarettes, I don't think he'd still be here. I feel like both of them things are the reason why he ain't doing great right now. Mm-hmm.

Now, Stefan wasn't shy about telling people what had happened to him. And eventually word got to a reporter from the Winnipeg Tribune who arrived at Stefan's home and interviewed his family. The subsequent story caught the attention of the Aerial Phenomena Research Organization, APRO. Yeah. Who were probably best known for backing Travis Walton during the Fire in the Sky saga and

And much like Travis Walton, APRO was the first outside organization to believe Stefan's story. We're here to believe you. But just three days after Stefan was allegedly exposed to UFO exhaust, Barry Thompson at APRO sent him to the National Atomic Research Center in Pinawa, Manitoba for radiation testing. Three days later. This is considered...

The Falcon Lake incident is considered one of the most heavily documented UFO cases in the world, and mostly North America. But these, you know, they ran tests. They went and looked at a lot. He went and told this ridiculous story to several people. But he was covered in radiation. He was. He was.

Burns. He was covered in radiation burns, not covered in radiation. But how would he have faked that? Don't know. We'll get into some of the explanations later. None hold water as far as I'm concerned. Okay, cool. But while they were waiting for the results, Stefan, Barry Thompson, Dr. Roy Craig of the University of Colorado, and a reporter from Life magazine headed out into the woods to see if they could find the landing site. They couldn't.

Likewise, the RCMP and the RCAF, the Royal Canadian Air Force, they both had trouble finding the site Stefan described. Meanwhile, Stefan's health problems got worse and they got weirder. By week three, his chest started itching and blisters appeared in a V-shaped rash in the center of his chest that ran to his ears. Yeah, he was all covered. Yeah, full V, dog. Yeah. Scarlet letter. For what? What's the scarlet letter for?

Very hairy. I'd say vodka. Vodka. No explanation could be found, and the best answer doctors had was that it might have been an allergic reaction, and so they gave him an ointment. Who do you put cream on me? What am I, some kind of potato? This does not do. I was attacked by alien fart. You give me some kind of gook. I'm supposed to cover myself in some kind of crumbs.

For what? For burns? Fishy burns? Very hairy. Man, UFO man came. He sprayed me with fart. You give me cream?

It's all right. He'll be dead in a couple of days. I heard you. I heard you. A couple of weeks later, though, Stefan was contacted by a man named Gerald Hart, who's somewhat of a mysterious figure in this story. We have no idea who exactly Gerald Hart was or where he came from.

But we do know that he was somewhat of a bad influence on Stefan. Well, one of the worst, I'd say, byproducts of ufology and something like this happened to you is that legitimately weirdos show up. Yeah. And so Gerard Hart, Gerald Hart, was this guy that, like, it's funny. This is a funny relationship. It is. Yeah. Gerald, or Jerry as he insisted he be called, was loud, boisterous, and had a dirty mouth no matter who was around.

Pussy. I'm sorry, is that your fucking mother? Sorry about that. Don't want to be crass around that whore. Well, I'm hungry as a cunt. Let's get out of here. Let's get out of here. I'm going to eat a pile of shit. I'm going to shit myself over to the fuck house. I like this guy. This guy gets it. But...

Gerald Hart was genuinely interested in helping out with Stefan's UFO mystery.

But where Stefan had failed before to find the site of the landing, after six hours of wandering the woods with Jerry, they found the remains of Stefan's burned shirt and the tape measure he dropped. Here, here's your dirty shit and here's your fuck pile of cock fuck shit. Ass. Hold your head, find it, you fucking pussy. You're the funniest guy I've ever been around, man. You're a fucking funny dude.

They also found pieces of metal and submitted them to CAPRO, the Canadian version of APRO, Canadian Aerial Phenomena Research Organization. It's the dishonest version of the UFO group because the one that is super honest is the no CAPRO. Oh, no.

Very nice. That was a real long road to walk. Yeah. It's called trying to understand the youth. It's trying to understand the Zoomers. They're trying to get on their level. Bet, bet, bet. Yep. That's a dead type beat. Dead ass. Thank you. Indeed. Well, they found pieces of metal, submitted them to Capro. No such luck. It's just metal.

Now, Stefan's rash would disappear and reappear continuously over the next five months. But in September, things only got worse. He was suddenly struck by a burning sensation on his chest and neck, which only got more intense as it spread throughout his torso. Before long, his entire body began swelling up and it turned black.

purple, reaching such a size that he couldn't get his shirt back on. His vision then failed, he got dizzy, and he said he felt as if he was levitating.

But after being taken to the hospital, he fully and mysteriously recovered a few hours later. And doctors had no explanation as to why any of this should have happened, other than that he must have come in contact with a substance that caused some sort of extreme allergic reaction. Couldn't tell him what, though. Pine cones. Yes, pine cones. Now, during all of Stefan's up and downs to this health, he became closer friends with Jerry Hart.

But since Jerry was a bit of a foul-mouthed bastard, Stefan's wife believed that his influence was destroying Stefan's relationship with the RCMP, who were still in charge of the open investigation. Stefan, how about we get the fuck out of this fucking bullshit, all right? Leave your bitch at the house and go fuck with some pigs. All right? Come on. Let's go fuck with the RCMP, all right? They call them Mounties for a reason. They want to get mounted like a bunch of bareback cops.

fucking animals out there. Why don't you bring your cock to this cunt-filled diner and get some fucking pancakes? Okay. You're right. I am hungry. See, after hanging out with Jerry, Stefan would curse a lot more, amongst other bad habits picked up from Jerry. In other words, like...

Stefan thought he was so cool. Yeah, he got a new buddy. He wanted to be just like him. He's got cool guy, cool buddy named Jerry. He only hangs out with rocks. This is it. This is the biggest addition to his social calendar that has ever happened to Stefan. Well, Jerry Hart was a capital D, capital P difficult person. Mm-hmm.

And eventually, under Jerry's influence, Stefan stopped cooperating with the RCMP. Hart, he believed that taxation was theft. Oh, sure. Yep. And therefore refused to pay his taxes, thinking that if I just say I don't have to pay taxes, that the government has to accept that, and was, as a result, arrested twice for tax evasion. Listen here, officer buttfuck.

I gotta let you know, I'm a sovereign ass citizen and I will not be detained. I'm a living fucking soul. I am not your corporate entity, you motherfucking dick sucking piece of shit. Arrest me. Oh, I dare you. I'm in need.

I need a lawyer! Jerry also liked calling the Internal Revenue Service the Infernal Revenue Service. Not bad. And he called Civil Service Snivel Service. Come on, guys. That's some fucking funny shit. And pretty soon, Stefan was also saying, Infernal Revenue Service. Infernal Revenue Service, the bastard fuck from hell. He come and take invisible money, huh? Yeah.

Playing on Stefan's prospecting hobby, Jerry even roped Stefan into spending serious time hunting for untapped nickel and silver claims outside of Winnipeg. And this is in 1967. This is kind of sad. Jerry's monetizing this hobby. Yeah, I know. It really sucks. Jerry, come on, you're pushing it. He's just one of those guys. That's about the time that Stefan's wife stepped in and told Jerry to stay away. Although Jerry did continue to call the house and stop by uninvited.

As Stefan's son remembered it, Jerry would stop by every six months or so for years afterwards, but then one day, just fucking disappeared. Sorry, guys. I gotta go fucking die by suicide. You fucking stupid cunt. Yeah, buddy. Bye, bye. Can I do it in front of you? Can I do it in front of you? Fuck your fucking cock, cunt. Well, I'm fucking off to shit cock fucks.

Fuck land up in the goddamn fucking shit sky. Bye, Jetty. Do you think he had Tourette's? No. And she was just hating on this man with Tourette's. He's just like a perfectly normal, nice man.

Well, in the end, Jerry only hurt Stefan's investigation because Jerry's status as a subversive individual in the eyes of the RCMP made them suspicious of Stefan's whole story. But in 1968, after shaking off Jerry Hart, Stefan and a new, more reliable friend named Marty McGregor returned to the UFO site with a Geiger counter and found a spot that was emitting a significant amount of radiation, but just one spot.

And after chipping away at the rock, they found a piece of metal that seemed to have once been molten. Stefan and Marty dug up two five-inch pieces of zigzagged pieces of metal, which they only half-jokingly pegged as UFO droppings. That is funny. Yeah. That's funny, Stefan. You're my friend. I used to have a friend who was a very worker, but he called these UFO periods.

They fall out of the big hanging pussies of the UFOs. You know, now I think on how he thought. And I think Jerry all fucked up. Come on.

Oh, yeah, that sounds about right. Oh, Jerry. Oh, I know Jerry. Oh, foul-mouthed Jerry. Yeah, I know him. My mom dated him for a couple of months back in 1959. Yeah, there's a bunch of things he called me as a boy that I won't repeat out here, and I don't want to get these squirrels offended.

The material, however, instead of being the sort of exotic material that Jacques Vallée has, you know, Jacques Vallée loves showings like, we have no idea what this metal is. And the arts parts. Yes. Famously. Yeah. Yeah. This turned out to be nothing more special than silver. But

But it's interesting because now we know more metallurgically that a lot of times these metals that are left behind, because UFO quote unquote droppings are way more kind of prevalent than we kind of talk about. Like there's very little actual physical evidence of a UFO, but every once in a while you will see like molten metal seems to drip off one of these objects and then pile up. And a lot of times when they go and get them tested, they will be earthbound metals, just normal metals. But,

It's the way they are compiled. They're either too pure. Like, that's like one of the things that came out. I forgot what one of the cases we just did, or it's like it was aluminum, but it was like pure.

Pure aluminum. So you would have to buy it. You'd have to buy it. You'd have to assemble it and make it. So it's weird. It wasn't that cut up shit. Yeah. It's just weird. It's stuff like that where it's like, you know, they are chemically, the rocks sometimes are like chemically organized in a way that we don't normally see. Do we think it could have been a meteorite maybe? Possibly. Yeah.

At the mustard clinic. Yeah.

Sorry. Stupid. Sorry, I'm sorry. I'll leave. No, no, no, no. I liked it. I liked it. Take your seat again. And it was determined that he both believed his story and it was a mentally healthy individual. He was not considered to be lying or disturbed. They were like, this guy's fine. There's something weird going on with him. We just don't know what the fuck it is.

Now, after Stefan told his story, a lot of people took advantage and a lot of people did their best to discredit him. In the former category, the Canadian version of APRO, that's Capro, they agreed to publish Stefan's book, My Encounter with UFOs.

But Stefan never saw any of the profits. A true Polish book deal. It's a TV movie. When it came to people who didn't believe him, though, most went with the old Canadian standby of saying that he got drunk out in the woods by himself and imagined the whole thing. The problem with that, though, is that the RCMP investigation specifically said that Stefan had not been drinking that day.

Amen. That's not really an amount of note the night before. I had three last night.

He's not drunk anymore. No, no, no. I think four or five the night before you get some sleep, especially when you're Polish. That's nothing. Yeah, that's literally how else that's called medicine to a Polish person. But there was also an RCMP officer named Paul Biskey who said that it was proven that Stefan consumed alcoholic beverages, quote, to some considerable extent.

Hmm. Bisky said that when he tried to get Stefan's story straight on the night of the encounter, after the initial interview, he'd found Stefan at the Falcon Lake Motel bar. Where the hell else is you're going to go after you got fucking set on fire by a UFO? If I get blasted by a UFO, I'm getting hammered. Yeah. When asked about the encounter again, Bisky said that Stefan shrugged his shoulders and laughed it off. Hey, you know, everybody farts. Bunch of shit happens. I saw a rock, you know, yeah.

There's lots of weird stuff, man. Don't bother me, dude. I guess we got a line on the floor. With such, Bisky's hypothesis was that Stefan had been drinking and barbecuing, and had suffered some sort of grill accident that had burned his chest. Embarrassed, Stefan made up the UFO story to cover his own drunken misadventure. It does feel like, though, I mean, like, it's not like he was there to be a

police officer investigating a homicide. He's going rock looking. I think that if he had burnt himself on a barbecue while hammered, he would have laughed about it in a way. First of all, he's out in the middle of fucking nowhere. Yeah. He's rock peeping. He's not bringing a barbecue set up. No. No. He's not barbecuing. And the burn on his body was really interesting. It was a series of circles. Like you will, you see the picture of him laying on it. It's a really weird specific burn. Could be coals.

Well, coals I actually would push against because you know coals. They form like a mound and you push them all together. They're not individual fully identical circles and they look like they're in a pattern like grid on his belly. Oh, it was like every burn was the same? You should look at it. It looks like a Connect Four game board. Like an exhaust port. Okay.

Now, Biscay aside, there are a few points to this story that might point towards hoax. Sure. For one, the site showed normal levels of radiation, where in many UFO landing sites, the Geiger counters show a significant height in the readings throughout the site. But it's

Depends on how far it was since the landing was and when they tested for radiation. As far as other witnesses go, there was a forest ranger tower close to the landing site that had a perfect view of a clearing, and the ranger on duty made no report of a UFO or any other strange occurrence. That's right. Also got your ass in a fucking corner, right? Because UFOs appear to people in different ways and different things. Multiple people...

have seen the same UFO once, but have all seen something different, but have seen the shape in the sky. We actually noticed that when we went to Stephenville to do our aforementioned never released pilot thing. I don't know where the fuck's going to happen with that. But you listen to truly one of the largest seen at one time UFO sighting of all time.

And they're all saying, oh, it looked like something else. So it's very interesting that way. There was also a golf course just a mile away. And from Stefan's description of the UFO's takeoff angle, it would have flown directly over the course where many a Canadian were enjoying a day on the links. That being said, there were 20 reports of similar UFOs in the Falcon Lake area around the same time as Stefan's account.

And just because no one reported seeing a UFO doesn't mean that they didn't actually see one. And when Stefan mentioned it, he said that it changed shape and color multiple times. Oh, yes. And also the reason why people don't like there's so many things that you could say, like, oh, especially if you're Canadian, there's so many things you're like, oh, I don't care. That could be whatever. Oh, it's some kind of funny looking bird. You know what I mean? Mostly you're just trying not to interrupt the golf day. Yeah.

Yeah, they really don't like to interrupt their day, do they? Oh, no. No, no, sir. But no matter what other people said, Stefan maintained the same story about his UFO encounter for over 30 years until the day he died in 1999. And as a cute little nod to his story, the Royal Canadian Mint actually issued a commemorative Falcon Lake UFO coin in 2018 showing Stefan Mihalik standing before a UFO. It's cool. I like that because...

It really was extremely documented. Several people, there was a lot of research that went into this. The RCMP really does take UFOs seriously. There's something about, they are supposedly under orders that they, if you say anything about seeing a UFO, they have to take a report and submit it. But if he was soaked with radiation, he probably wouldn't have lived another 30 years.

Ah, but that's the thing. He was not soaking radiation. Oh, okay. Yeah, even his like lymphocyte levels, which should have been like, you know, off the charts were normal. Everything was normal. Well, it could have just been a burn or could have been something that we don't understand what it was that happened to him. Or is it a thing that you get hit with at once? I don't know. And I don't know why his body kept reproducing it again and again.

Now, it's debatable as to whether or not that last story was an attack or an accident. Although one could say that the UFO burned Stefan on purpose to get him away from their craft. Like honking a horn. Yeah, dude. No, that was an anti-UFO theft machine. Or he fell asleep on a water heater. Yeah, yeah.

The order was airing out its butt. I also, you know I like that stuff where the UFO itself is the alien. Yeah, and the UFO has no actual idea that you're even there. None. Oh yeah, none. Or doesn't care. I will largely say that the phenomena does not care about us. Yeah. Yeah. Well, likewise, there could be debate on this final story as to if the aliens were indeed the attackers. Yeah, now we got the best one we ever

done this one! Okay. But no one can argue that the humans involved believed an attack was taking place when the goblins descended upon a farm between Hopkinsville and Kelly, Kentucky in the mid-50s. We do need some bluegrass. We should get some bluegrass guitar. Because those would be super cute. They'd get some kind of like

A bunch of goblins on a porch Playing the wash basin Playing the tub Boom boom boom boom That would be cool I'm sure somebody out there is in the bluegrass Out there some goblins Down in 53

Oh, yeah. Country goblin jamboree. Whoa! That's what we need. Oh, my God. So are goblins aliens? Well, goblins are kind of what they talked about. Little monsters and little creatures all follow into the world of the anomalous phenomena. And there's many species of these things that we could meet. These are very similar to greys, but they have ears. Oh.

Now, while Kelly, Kentucky is a small village of only about 300 people, Hopkinsville is the self-proclaimed batter capital of the world.

They produce 2 million pounds of flour a day in addition to brownie mix, pancake mix, cracker barrel biscuit mix, and up until recently, this was where red lobster cheddar biscuits were made. No, they're still making them. You can buy a box once. Really? Oh, yeah. You can buy the box once. They don't do that. That's just flour. Good for Hopkinsville. Also, one of the extremely huge center for baby batter. Yeah.

Oh, hubby, you going to the farm and making your batter again? Yep. It's time to sow what I've repped. Oh, God, I'm going to come on this piece of corn. If you're going to Hopkinsville, don't forget to put the chains on the tires. The roads are slick. Real slick. Slick.

You know, if you're going to have biscuits, you got to have gravy. We're not getting better at the show. You know what I mean? Like we're not getting better at it. I am not getting better at the show. We've been doing it for 13 years. Vitamin water is from New York. We needed a drink that can keep up with the music scene in the city. We got to see our favorite DJ perform in Brooklyn at 3 a.m. Or sing karaoke in the village also at 3 a.m.

Drink vitamin water. It's from New York. At Amica Insurance, we know it's more than a life policy. It's about the promise and the responsibility that comes with being a new parent. Being there day and night and building a plan for tomorrow, today. For the ones you'll always look out for. Trust Amica Life Insurance. Amica. Empathy is our best policy.

People talk about trailblazing, but how do you really blaze a trail? With all-terrain tires, tubular roof rack, a lifted suspension, and a rugged build that craves adventure. This is the off-road unlocked. Find your path in the Nissan Pathfinder Rock Creek.

But if you're not in the batter business, then you probably know the name Hopkinsville more for the oft-told tale of the Kelly Hopkinsville Goblins. Who's in the batter business? I mean, how many people do you think are involved in ordering Cracker Barrel biscuit mix to all the various Cracker Barrels across America? Thousands. Aunt Jemima's, is she like,

It could be two million. Yeah, it could be. Is Aunt Jemima like the fucking, like the head of the, like the Capistrano family? Like is Aunt Jemima like the head godfather of batter? Well, Aunt Jemima is not a real person. No. Never? No, like Uncle Ben. They're just people who they. Yeah, it's just a racist caricature. But they never kissed? No. No. That's a fucking sad thing. I mean, that would be delicious. Going over there for dinner.

That's weird. I just want to hang out with him. I'm watching Rob make notes to cut it. That's all I'm going to have to go. Cracker Barrel employs 77,000 people.

Oh, okay. Well, that's not the batter business. I mean, it kind of is the batter business. No, that's the breakfast business. There's lots of biscuits. If I go to Cracker Barrel, I eat the biscuits. That's what I eat at Cracker Barrel. Yeah, of course. But I like the country fried pork chop. And what do you think that's covered in? Batter.

Yeah, buddy. Man, am I just supporting batter? You are. You are. Yeah, I don't think you realize how much batter plays in your everyday life. Oh, no, I do. Oh, I do. Don't worry about that. All sorts. Well, the Kelly Hopkinsville Goblin attack.

Oh, okay, awesome. Oh, yeah. Mm-hmm.

Now, while the goblins get all the press, this wasn't the first time that this area of Kentucky had been visited by something extraterrestrial. In June of 1808, a family traveling west saw an unidentified object in the sky, which they took as an ominous sign from God. Cool.

But as it goes in many UFO encounters, a spot near where the object was seen, possibly the spot where it landed, remained a barren circle where no vegetation would grow for decades after. One day, we will do a series about visions of Mary.

and Catholic visions as connected to UFOs because like the version of Guadalupe, all those things where they see a version of some like religious entity, it's always a UFO. It's awesome.

Mary could have been an alien. Oh, yeah, dog. That pussy. She don't make losers. More than a century after that sighting, in 1952, 75 eyewitnesses at a nearby lake saw an oval-shaped spacecraft which hovered over the water for 30 minutes before taking off at an incredible speed. But that was merely an appetizer for what happened on August 20th, 1955. Hmm.

So at around 630 that evening, a state policeman, a state trooper, an investigator at nearby Fort Campbell Army Base and a nearby farmer all saw huge balls of fire in the sky all at the same time. And they only reported their sightings later on.

This fire was also seen by a man named Billy Ray Taylor, who worked at tobacco farm right in between the towns of Hopkinsville and Kelly. Do you think that tobacco farmers are like the punks of Battertown? This is a flower Battertown. It's a Battertown. They're making, they're making tobacco.

So do you think when it comes down to it, they're a thorn in the side of the old batter industry? I'd say the batter, they're the odd ones out. I think the batter people are surrounded by tobacco people. Oh. Wow. Also, you know, everyone who works in a kitchen needs a smoke break. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You got to smoke cigarettes. Mm-hmm. Got to miss it. Well, Billy Ray Taylor described the fireballs in greater detail. According to Billy Ray, there were three balls of different colors.

Blue ball in the front, pink ball in the middle, red ball bringing up the rear. Cool. Now, the property where Billy Ray lived was home to a fair amount of Kentuckians.

There was Glennie Lankford and her three children, as well as her two sons from a previous marriage. That was Charlie and Elmer Sutton. Elmer, he was also called Lucky because of his uncanny ability to win rigged carnival games. Because you got to go through the back. There was also their wives, Vera and Aileen, as well as Aileen's brother, O.P. Baker, and Lucky Sutton's friend, Billy Ray Taylor, and his wife.

All but four of these people were between the ages of 18 and 30, and all were present the night the goblins attacked. This is my one question. Is it one household? Yes. Wow. Busy. Very busy household. Busy people.

Now in Billy Ray, that's where the batter's going. Yeah. Cause as far as I can tell, there's, you know, you got Glenny, who's the mother who had Charlie and Elmer with the man whose name was Sutton. And then Mr. I think Mr. Sutton died. And then she remarried and had three more children from another guy. He also died. And then, uh,

one of Lucky's friends, Billy Ray Taylor, moved in and also Aileen's brother. After she married Lucky, he also moved into the house. So you just got a bunch of people all working this tobacco farm. It takes a lot of labor. Oh, I get it. Absolutely. And Lucky was just happy that he had an open bed. And in Kentucky, you can have a child at 10. You can. You're totally allowed.

Now, when Billy Ray saw the lights in the sky, he ran back to the house to tell everyone what he'd seen. Hi, everybody. There's globes.

They at first suggested that he might have just seen a bird, but Billy Ray said it wasn't a goddamn bird. I know birds. I know what a goddamn bird looks like. I know what a goddamn bird looks like. It's got four feet. It's got two heads. I know what a bird does. A bird is something that goes down the swamp. It's got webbed toes and it jumps up and down. Lucky to ask him if he'd gone crazy. No, I would have said, who are we?

Oh, ding dong, I'm Napoleon. Bailey replied that he knew what he seen. I know what I saw. That is to say he knew what he saw. I know what I saw. And he was sure that what he saw was one of them flying saucers, what they'd been talking about in the papers. A Nusenberg City Yankee flying machines.

But just as they were talking it through and Lucky was starting to admit that maybe it was just the heat playing tricks with his eyes, Lucky and Billy Ray looked in the woods behind the house and saw a glowing silver figure with two huge yellow eyes with its arms in the air as if to surrender. Ah!

Like Freddy Freaker. Yeah, it's a lot like Freddy Freaker. Yeah. Its legs were dangling, but while the legs weren't moving, the creature was still floating towards the house. Ah.

This is my favorite. I love shit. This is my favorite type of alien movement and phenomena. I like it when it's in the cartoony realm of very, very strange. Because in one way, you could say the more ridiculous, oh, maybe they're making it up. But I actually, it's so hard. I'm on the other side of it, man. Me too. The more ridiculous it is, the more I believe it. Because it's hard. You know what it is? And I don't mean it. Yes, obviously, there's imagination everywhere. I know. We've all watched Reading Rainbow.

So I know that there's imagination everywhere. But... Do you think it might have been a butterfly in the sky? Maybe. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! You're a debunker! I feel like if you were a tobacconist in 1950s Kentucky, you might not...

have the most vibrant imagination that's ever lived. Maybe I'm wrong. 75 people saw something. Yeah. I mean, they saw something a few years earlier. Yeah. It's not crazy. No people see stuff. Yeah, there's stuff out there. And when it comes to like the more ridiculous it is, the more I'm apt to believe it. There is a line of credulity there where if it feels like it is being made ridiculous on purpose, then you can always tell because there's always these, because there's

Always these sorts of things about these stories that are so strange. Idiosyncratic. Idiosyncratic. That's the word for it. It's idiosyncratic. And it sort of makes you feel uncomfortable when you think about it. And they are uncomfortable talking about it. Oh, very much so. For some reason, I mean, this very much so freaked them all out. Now, once Lucky and Billy Ray saw this creature, they began preparing for battle, collecting as much ammunition as they could find for their .22 rifle and their 12-gauge shotgun. Now.

I never seen a floating Russian before. I'm seeing one now. How slow was it coming towards them? That they were like running to the barn and loading guns and coming back outside? Pretty slow. It was. They were like floating.

They were ready to defend their home from whatever it was that had come to Earth with those balls of fire. I heard the British are coming back with flashlights for eyes so they can see in the dark. The British are coming back. They're not going to Kentucky. They're coming back to get our beloved land. Lucky covered the front door and Billy Ray took the back while the rest of the family thought that both of them had lost their damn minds.

But while they were in the middle of making fun of their defenders, another floating three-foot-tall creature appeared with its arms raised in the air outside the back door. Ah-ha-ha.

This time, Billy Ray got a much better look and saw that the creature was silver-skinned with long, thin, clawed hands and webbed fingers. Oh my God, it's a New Yorker! Its head was large, its ears were big and pointed, and its yellow glowing eyes were more on the side of its head rather than facing front. Wow!

Yeah, see, I don't want to shoot an alien, but a goblin gets shot. This is what they're saying. At that point, the elder in the room, 50-year-old Glenny Lankford, screamed and fell to the floor. As the creature floated towards them, Billy Ray fired his rifle through the screen door, which brought Lucky and the rest of the crew to the back door to see what had happened. Just that movement of the guys going, oh!

Yeah. Yeah, be sure to show the movement on the podcast. Hey, man. Hey. Patreon.com slash podcast on the left. You can actually see me do that act out joke.

Once they got there to find Billy Ray on the back porch, everyone watched as a clawed hand came down from the roof to touch Billy Ray's hair. No! You can play with my hair. You're tickling me. Aileen grabbed Billy Ray and pulled him back into the house. Are you Billy Ray? You get back here right now. While Lucky ran outside and fired the shotgun through the roof. The alien pulled Billy back into the house? No, Aileen. Aileen? Aileen.

His wife, Aileen. My wife is not an alien. That's Aileen. And the creature apparently hit, rolled off the roof, floated to the ground, then...

scampered back into the woods. Or I would say more retreated into the woods. They didn't really scamper. They floated. Sorry. Because as it moved away, the Kentuckians got a better look at how it moved. It glided without moving its dangly legs, drifting forward using what appeared to be a strange motion with its hips. See, that's a visual exercise you also can't see. Marcus was doing a sultry goblin

I would say I was sissying the walk a little bit. Oh, yes. You were sissying the walk. I put some bass in that walk. Oh, yeah. Yeah. He did those. Yeah.

Now, Glenny had the young children hide under their beds while the other women found their own hiding places throughout the house while she and the men discussed what they should do next. But it seemed like every time the family calmed down enough to get their heads on straight, the creatures would reappear, although there was never any sign that the goblins were there to attack, nor did they ever counterattack against the Kentuckians. For example, when Billy Ray fired at another creature that came up to the window,

showing his big glowing eyes, it just flipped backwards and disappeared. Ah!

It's cool. This is my favorite. I love it. They also noticed that the creatures glowed brighter when they were yelled or shot at. But that's the thing. It didn't really seem to make much of a difference if you yelled at it or shot at it. It kind of reacted the same way. Well, it didn't know how we were attacking it. But also, this is the key, I think, to the concept of indifference. At one point, though, Lucky and Billy Ray went out into the front yard to take the fight to the goblins. We're going to go out there. We can't be in the Marines. We're going to fight for our lives.

And when someone yelled at them to look up in the maple tree, they saw one of the goblins sitting on the branches. Sitting up here. Hi, hello. Look at my nuts, you fucker. Jerry. Lucky and Billy Ray opened fire, and again the creature just fell out of the tree and floated away. Bye-bye. Lucky soon hit another creature, and he said that the sound that it made when they actually hit one with a bullet, they could tell that they hit it because it sounded like a metal bucket being shot. Like a ping.

So it was like a shield they had on themselves. Something was weird. They also said that when they shot the gun, the guns would not make clear gun noises. That they would go like... And on and on it went with Billy Ray or Lucky shooting a goblin, the goblin running away, then returning again seemingly unhurt. The only thing that had any effect, it seemed, was turning on the lights, which at least caused the creatures to flinch.

By this point in the evening, everyone agreed that they were dealing with either goblins

Or demons? Is there a difference, Glennie? Glennie suggested they're probably goblins. Yeah, they gotta be goblins. I should know. My second husband was half goblin. She said they weren't dangerous. They might not be dangerous. After all, they're coming to us with their hands in their air. And maybe if we stopped shooting them, they'd go away. Billy Ray, have you tried high-fiving them? No.

Well, Lucky disagreed because even when they didn't shoot, the creatures kept coming towards the house and he wasn't going to find out what happened if one of them got inside or touched someone. God, I just feel like it would have been like giving them a million dollars. You know, like they did all this shit and that's when Lucky decided to be like, there's no way we can let these aliens in this house. And I should know, I'm the luckiest man here. I was born with 11 toes. Yeah.

It's just Ed McMahon after drinking a bunch of barium. I've got a test in the morning for colon cancer. It's like the old kids in the hall sketch. Somebody's going to get $1,000. Who's going to get $1,000? And then you've got to wait and you get $1,000 and the next person gets punched in the face. Eventually, they did decide that if things stayed quiet for a bit, they'd all race to their trucks and speed to town.

And after Lucky shot one more goblin off the roof, everyone scrambled to their trucks and drove to Hopkinsville at 11 p.m.

They'd been fighting the goblins, or whatever they were, for three straight hours. Now, the family pretty much stormed the local police department, telling them that they'd been fighting little men all night. But after a fair amount of condescending questions, the sergeant on duty called up the police chief, Russell Greenwell. Now, Greenwell had remembered the incident at the Kentucky Lake just a few years earlier where 75 people had seen the UFO. So he listened to the family's story with all seriousness before calling the state police.

He then, for some reason, also called the local paper. Pretty soon, the area was awash with cops, reporters, and looky-loos. Because this man wanted to arrest an alien in Kentucky. The first state to arrest an alien. I could feel his pride being like, we're burning them all in. This ends.

Yeah, get the eyeballs here. I want it now. I want them strung up. Because if we don't set precedent now, eventually there will be a goblin in the House of Representatives. The cops said that there was no sign of goblins when they arrived.

But they did find a lot of empty shotgun shell cases and a lot of holes were shot through the screens of the house, including chunks of wood that had been blasted off the window frames. No matter what was out there, these fucking dudes had spent all night long firing bullets. Yeah, they turned their house into Swiss cheese. They had holes in the ceiling, holes in the windows, holes in the walls. And so whatever they did, they were shooting at. They were just shooting at something.

I think they all accidentally ate mushrooms. Who knows? It could be that ergot person. Now, Lucky and Billy Ray estimated that there could have been up to 15 creatures outside the house that night. But they also did admit that it could have just been the same two little bastards showing up again and again. Honestly, I counted every digit I have as soon as I saw one, and there was exactly 13. As it was, their nightmare wasn't quite over. And this...

Goes against the drug hypothesis. Okay. The next night, Glenny woke up to find another goblin hanging around outside her window. She woke up Lucky and again tried to get him to not shoot the damn thing, but Lucky just said, quote, No, mama! I'm gonna shoot that little man! And that's when Billy Ray also woke up, grabbed his rifle, and the two of them started blasting away again. They were just happy, man. Only to get the same result of the creatures flipping, floating to the ground, running off, and coming back. Ha!

Hello.

This went on until 5 a.m. That's when the creatures disappeared for good, which was just as well because Billy and Lucky had just run out of ammunition. Convenient. Yes, very convenient. Now, in the days that followed, everyone who'd been involved in the Goblin incident gave consistent accounts of what happened and what the creatures looked like to the authorities and reporters. If it was some sort of poisoning or drugging or anything, everyone would have seen and experienced something different. Pretty

Pretty soon, though, as it often went in those days, strangers stormed the farm to feed their curiosity. So this is also a... This happens in every one of these, where...

this is the human factor of where people start talking about like, oh, you know, they do this for the fame or the money or they do this because they want to tell a story. Yeah, prove it. Yes, but this thing is like, but it does create looky-loos like me. I show up at your home. Like if things are going to, things happen like that and I can get to it,

I'm there. I'm asking questions. I'm eating food. I'm throwing the wrappers on the floor. I'm fucking dumping my Starbucks at the ends of it. I'm just throwing it on the street. I'm ruining the neighborhood. All right, there's a lot of shit goes on in there. Yeah, the house didn't have locks, so people just walked inside, grilled the family for detail, stole their shit, and just generally acted a fool. Damn it!

The family called the state troopers to keep people away, but all that did was keep the Lookie Loos outside of a perimeter until the cops left. Then, after the cops left for the night, they'd return to the house pretty much just to make fun of Billy Ray and Lookie. Like, look, I'm a

I'm a goblin. I'm a goblin. I'm lucky I didn't get fucking shot. What if I shoot you in the head? Yeah. Finally, the family figured that if they were going to go through all this shit, they might as well charge admission. So they tried charging 50 cents to enter the house, a dollar to hear the story, and $10 to take pictures. That's awesome. But since there were so many people, the whole system fell apart immediately, and the simple act of them asking for money made a lot of people think that they'd made up the whole story for profit.

I mean, I don't know. It's a bad fucking investment. They shot up their entire house. Yeah. And who knows how much money on shotgun shells and fucking rifle bullets. Yeah. For what? You got to get that back. I think that this family was very Kentucky. Yeah. Yeah. Now, some say that they do believe that the family believe.

that they were attacked by little silver men. And it's important to say that they were little silver men and not little green men because you could get Lucky and Billy Ray pretty fucking riled up if you called them little green men. Don't you dare misgender them! I know what they were! Goblins are green!

Well, this is the thing. Well, the green goblin is green. The green goblin is green. These are like... Hobgoblin's more brown. They were gray. So they were way more gray, slightly... Covered in shit. Yeah, he's the hobgoblin. Yeah. What do you expect? But yes, they were silvery gray. Okay. But some people say it was just cats. Cats!

I just think you'd find a lot of dead cats. You'd find a lot of dead cats. Also, a bunch of bulletproof floating cats is a hell of a story on its own. Honestly, that's even worse than aliens. Way worse. I mean, yeah, a lot of cats. But that's what they said. If it was fucking cats, we would have grazed at least a couple of them. You would have seen fur somewhere around the property. I mean, these are farmers. They know how to shoot animals. But also, that's

Just as mysterious as aliens. Yeah. If the house just is an abnormal amount of cats. If dozens of cats attack your house, what's happening in there? Yeah. If you're not dog president. Sleepwalkers. Oh, yeah. That movie. That's right. Sleepwalkers. That was a good one. There was also a theory that it could have been monkeys.

Because there was a traveling carnival nearby that might have lost some monkeys around this time. But again, there would have been dead monkeys. Or at least monkey fur. Had this been the case. I feel like they'd know it was monkeys. Yeah. I know they had very long arms. Yes, they did have very long arms. The final theory was that it was owls. Specifically, the eagle owl. Owls are very, that's a common imagery with alien abductions. Yeah.

Eagle owls can get as big as three feet tall. They can appear to float and their eyes do glow in the dark. These owls are also highly protective of their young. So if someone in fuck with some baby owls, mom owl might come calling.

But if it was an owl, it should have left behind the biggest amount of evidence. Yeah. Because shooting a huge owl with a 12-gauge shotgun at close range, it's going to leave a lot of fucking feathers behind. A lot of fucking feathers. And there was no evidence of owls, despite the fact that there was lots of evidence of hundreds of bullets being fired that night.

And by the next year, the entire family moved away because they'd gotten nothing but bad attention. But both Hopkinsville and nearby Kelly, Kentucky, had both dabbled in their own cryptid days. Kelly, Kentucky, had the Little Green Men Days Festival, which is a bit of a kick in the teeth to the memory of the victims, if you ask me. It is. But they're not even listening.

I also like the idea of- They obviously didn't do the reading. They did not. But I also, you know, I like a Goblin Festival. I want to go. We never get to go, Marcus. No, we don't ever get to go. We have to fucking work all the time. I know. I want to go so bad. I want to do that. I want to go to the Mothman Festival. Real bad. We're going to turn it into work and then we can go. Yeah, you show up at a Goblin Festival. It could be a blowjob festival. Whoa. Cock Goblin Festival.

But the thing is that that's the Little Green Men Festival started in 2011, abruptly ended in 2017. I bet you there were some kind of financial issues going on. Yeah, I would imagine so. Hopkinsville, however, is hosting an alien invasion day this coming August 21st. We should all be careful about wishing for that, though. It's got food trucks, face painting, a dunk tank, a costume contest. You know, alien shit. Yeah. Yeah, what aliens like. And an ominous sounding...

special surprise that will only be revealed at a later date. Our sheriff, our very own Sheriff Tomlinson.

is an alien. That means they got a couple asks out and no one said yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, big surprise. Big surprise. Big surprise. Don't you just. Special guest. I think that you know what we just did, put ourselves in the running to be that special surprise. Oh, hell yeah. I'm telling you right now, Hopkinsville, if you can get us arranged to get down there in time. Oh, no, we're in Australia. Oh, my God. We're looking at the poster right now, the flyer for it. They've got a batter walk.

Whoa. That's so funny, Marcus. It's aliens and batter. It's Krusty's and aliens. This is the weirdest combo of things I have ever seen. What the fuck? What combines pancakes and aliens? What?

other than Hopkinsville. I gotta go. I love pancakes. I love waffles. I barely eat them because of the carbs. But I'm looking at this and if I was watching an alien dunk tank going on with a girl with no brawn and I'm eating a pancake, that's the funnest time I'm gonna have. That's August 21st, 2024 from 4pm to 10pm. Are you gonna have a wet alien contest? Because you should. Yeah.

Honestly, you guys should do that. How wet can you get this alien? It seems to be pretty wet. And that's...

aliens attack. Now I wonder why did they attack? They didn't attack. Why did they approach? What was it, do you think, obviously in the most how do you put this? This is a hazy world of the more adventurous side of ufology. Why are they approaching the cabin? I don't

think it happened. Fuck you. Fuck you. How dare you. Ostensibly, uh,

Fuck if I know. I mean, they may have just been drawn to the nearest life. Who fucking knows? Who knows? They were fucking all they needed was a pack of Newports. They go to Space Invaders. It is. Do you remember that one? Space Invaders was the one with the little Martians, right? No, what was that called? Little Martians. No, Space Invaders was the one with the stone ones. Yeah. The one with the little Martian guys. Yeah. But they weren't the stone ones. They were the

The cool ones. Oh, they were cool. That's right. The stone one was Paul. Yeah. Oh, Paul was bad. I didn't watch Paul. Yeah, I didn't watch Paul. I imagine Spaced Invaders isn't great now either. No, I imagine it might not hold up, but it was on UFO. Wow, I love this movie, dude. Critters, however. Love Critters. Oh, Critters. The Oppers wrote it. One of the kids I grew up with, his uncle wrote it. Oh, that's awesome. He had a giant Critters poster in his house. Hell yeah. I was like, why the fuck you got this Critters poster? Yeah. My uncle wrote it.

Yeah, Critters 2 is like my first favorite horror movie. Like, I watch it over and over and over again. Critters Ball, oh man. I mean, the Critters Ball is so fucking awesome. No shit. The guy, the amazing character actor, Royal Dan-o, was one of the aliens in Space Invaders. Oh, there you go. So we just like...

Filling time or what? No, I'm just kind of looking at it. I'm just now. And then you brought all this up. I'm just basking in it. All right, guys. Space Invaders, they're a hit. They're hilarious. Earth will never be the same. Patreon.com. I loved Space Invaders slash last podcast on the left. You don't. There's no Space Invaders content.

on our Patreon. But only here. You can only find it here on the show proper for some reason. Also go to our social media, TikTok at LP on the left, Instagram, all the fucking horseshit. Twitch.tv slash LPNTV just so you know some scheduling little things. So, we're going to have next week

We're going to have our first one of these special episodes with you, Eddie. Yes. Before we go to the land down under. And then we're going to be doing some kind of interesting episodes while we're in Australia. We are going to do some... We are doing proper episodes. But I'm super excited because...

We're gonna get a little... Spokie. Mm-hmm. We're gonna get Spokie, which we've never done in Australia. No, we actually have. We've only ever done True Crime. Well, yeah, we did with Letta Meow. We did Letta Meow. But it's like... But now we're gonna do another big case. We're gonna be doing, like, that's one of the things... And we hope we get to meet some of the people involved. It'd be nice. It's very cool. We'll see. But, hey...

It's been fun, hasn't it? Hasn't it? It has been. I'm just so glad my penis is intact. Still. Yeah. For another couple hours. Yeah. Until you go home and make too much batter and fuck your wrist up again. What are you going to do?

When in Hopkinsville. Oh, hey, and also the fucking Can Part 4 is out. The Can series is out in its entirety. So if you've been waiting until the entire series is out to listen, go listen now. It's a fucking amazing series. We're so fucking proud of the work we did with this. So go check it out and go hear the story of one of the most incredible bands ever.

of the 20th century. I love canon. I'm excited to listen to the series. Now that it's all, I'm one of those. I wait till it's all out. Yeah. You're going to love it. You're going to love it. So I'm excited.

Hell yeah. Alright, well hail Satan. Hail fucking Jerry. Yeah, dude. Jerry's alright. He's a fucking flappy cunt. Yeah, dude. Where the fuck's that guy at, man? I'm gonna fucking smoke weed with him, dude. Fuck you, you motherfucking shit fuck. Nobody fucking hails me. I fucking hail. I don't fucking hail. Nothing and nothing hails me, you fucking cock. Jenny, you're fucking the best, dude. I love you, Jenny. You're my fucking boy, man.

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Me and the kids were always messaging. They LOL'd, I ROFL'd. But then I changed phone and the bubbles went green. But where there's a fill, there's a way. And I found a way to share what's in here. I'm tapping my heart. WhatsApp, the place to safely send messages between different devices. Message privately with everyone.