Episode 611: Lori Vallow and Chad Daybell - The Doomsday Murders Part III - Zombie Apocalypse
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Oh, God. Thank God I masturbated this morning because I got that demon out of me that was kind of still stuck. Yeah? I had one stuck and...

I think that was what was my problem is that my back's been hurting. And then I realized that what that was, it was because I had a demon stuck in my lumbar and I had to clear it out. So that was like, that was most of my morning. Did it come out of the top of your head or? No, that's how it comes in. Oh, it comes into the top of your head. The little blow hole in the top of your head doesn't like pop out and cum shoots out of it? No, not anymore. Not since the procedure. And I remember one time, you know, and it's funny because you hear it go like, yeah.

The demons in my balls have been using my cock as a snorkel. Yeah, they're doing great in there. That's not good, Eddie. That's not good, Eddie. I think you need to troll your balls. Like you troll the seafloor for catfish. No, I figured the longer I keep it in there, the more demons will show up in my balls, and then I get really backed up, and then I'll puke them out.

You're saying congestion pricing is going to force them out. Welcome to the last podcast on the left, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Marcus Parks. I'm here with the newly empty Henry Zebrowski. But you know what's the saddest part? I get filled right back up. Yeah. Every time. Yeah. You know, sometimes every once in a while I think if I have a very thorough sesh with myself, I'm like, maybe that's the last one. Yeah. You know, one day it will be. Yeah. Yeah.

Then comes the final session. You know what I'm saying? I don't know what you mean. We also have the man with the interesting theories about his own balls, Ed Larson. That's right. I named the right one Nick and the left one Schneider. Oh!

Oh, wow! That's on topic! Of course, here we are today on Chad Daybell and Lori Vallow, part three. It's never going to stop. Never. We're going to be here forever. I just think I'm so ensconced in the material, I could talk about it forever. It makes me extremely angry. Yeah. Irate, even. I'm walking around in a poor mood, right? I did this the other day, and Natalie said this. She's like, why are you so irritable? And to be honest...

It's the book. It's Chad Daybell's book. It's the thing I had to read. So you've been reading, what is it? James and Elena story. Oh, the James and Elena story. Yeah, I read the whole thing. That wasn't published. Oh, buddy, no, it's out there now. There is a 20 page, there's 20 pages of it. Oh, okay. I wouldn't call that a book. For Chad Daybell, it's enough. I feel like it is, because he doesn't write with similes or metaphors or, it's just facts.

Like all he writes are like, she walked to the door. She grabbed me by the storm. I shot my snow into her basket. A lot of declarative sentences. I'm converting. Yeah.

Whoa. Hell yeah. Yeah, no, I want to be more man, dude. I want to fucking get it. No, you won't be, though. You won't be. Not after I watch all the Jody Hildebrand stories. Eddie and I were talking a little bit about masturbation accountability. That's a part of where this even came from. Sure. Yeah, about how, like, making sure we masturbate, making sure we masturbate to good stuff. Because I've been trying to get him into the crossing guard.

Because there's a whole new thing now. You know, no one wants to hear you talk about masturbating, right? I'm just saying crossing guard stuff is, no, because they get stuck in a bush. And then the basketball coach has got to pull them out. Oh, interesting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, crossing guard porn really tells you what to do. It's just when they hold up that sign, it says stop. Stop? Hey, stop. Hey. Which is responsible. Yeah.

So when we last left our favorite Mormon doomsday couple, Chad Daybell and Lori Vallow had finally met at a preparing a people conference that's in Utah after Lori had spent years as a fan devouring Chad's horseshit through his books and podcast appearances. As their mutual friend and podcaster Melanie Gibb put it, the moment Chad and Lori met was akin to a lightning strike hitting both of them, a lexicon.

God, what I wouldn't give to watch them get struck by lightning. Oh, man. To me, though, it kind of feels like a big, flabby gong noise. Yeah. You know what I mean? They saw each other, his, like, belly vibrated, and he was just like, oh, wow.

Wowie, wow. It's like hitting a big sheet of tin with a piece of pork. These fuckers. And Melanie Gibb, if you're listening to this, and I hope you are, you can go fuck yourself. Wow. Melanie Gibb sucks. She's one of the worst people in this entire fucking story. Spoiler alert. I hate this fucking woman. All of these fucking people suck.

Well, I mean, we're, of course, going to really get into it. But I really do want to say like wholeheartedly that this shit, you know, they say that, you know, this wouldn't have happened without them being within, you know, like the Mormon framework and all that. But it truly would not have happened without people like Melanie Gibb telling them the whole time that what you're doing is fantastic. And what you're doing is great. And you are you are who you say you are. Because guess what you get to be if they are who they say you are.

the bitchy best friend of the goddess that's in charge of everyone. And that is all they ever want to be. These people just want to rule by association. That's even why they're hanging out with Chad and Lori, is because they think they'll get a little chunk of the power. Now, after the PAP conference, Chad and Lori continued communicating, and Chad soon ran Lori's entire family through his light-dark sorting system, pegging some relatives as light and therefore more aligned with God, and others as dark, therefore more aligned with Satan. I

I will say, you remember, we do have to remember, in Visions of Glory, it explains how this process works. And the key to remember is that if you are in line with Satan, it is your fault. You have done actions that have allowed demons to enter you. Yes. So just remember that. It's always the victim's fault. Always. But almost immediately, Chad and Lori began communicating almost daily through text, and

And once that happened, Lori tripled down on her Mormon faith, spending up to eight hours a day every day at her local LDS temple. When Lori wasn't at church, she filled her days with the neo-fundamentalist apocalyptic Mormon podcasts that were produced by the members of the Avow Message Board and the Preparing a People podcast network.

While listening, Laurie continued to drink in the beliefs of near-death experience authors like Julie Rowe, in addition to the near-constant chatter about the end times, spattered, of course, both by the regular hosts and Chad Daybell whenever he made an appearance.

Before long, the fantasy world put forth by these podcasts had penetrated deep into Lori's brain, and she began claiming that she had transcended beyond human needs like eating, sleeping, urinating, or defecating. So she is full of shit. She is.

Literally. She's like Gwyneth Paltrow. You know, Gwyneth Paltrow takes one dump a year. Wow. Yes, it's entirely... Oh, yeah, she books it, right? She does. She does. She goes to a very fancy public toilet, and she just lets out a giant... It's a pellet. That's the size of her body. And it just slides out of her slow six- to seven-hour period. And, wow, that pellet, honestly...

It's pretty fragrant. So you're saying she molts. Yes, she molts. Also, this brings in a key thing to remember about Mormons.

They think plagiarism is magic. So when Lori Vallow first saw Chad Daybell, you have to remember, he's spouting off all the bullshit that he read from Visions of Glory that he has retrofitted into his own story. She's read Visions of Glory. She's also read every other bullshit near-death experience Mormon book that was out in the market because she became obsessed with it. But the thing about Mormons, and this is all...

All of them. This is every single one of them they have read about in this story. That when they hear the same literal ideas come out of somebody else's mouth, instead of them saying, oh, sounds like he stole that from Tom Harrison's story and he's kind of retrofitting into his own, they view that as false.

Wow. It's happening to everybody. Like they don't understand copying. They don't understand that they are all adding to their own worlds. This is Chad Daybell's fucking DLC to Tom Harrison's world. And they are all...

Knit up. Yeah, they think it's all parallel thinking. Like, oh my God, can you believe that we all came up with the same thing at the same time? Because it's real because God is telling them all the same thing. But they all read it earlier that day. Yes. Yeah, they all read it earlier that day. And they also don't understand that, yeah, if you just copy from somebody that it's just copying.

It's copying. Yeah, they don't get it at all. They think, oh my God, I can't believe these two people... Have the same experience. Well, and they also... It kind of gives... The incredible thing about it is that it gives the person who copies the other author, it gives them this sort of like cred because that other author is already really well-respected.

And so it's like, oh my God, I can't believe he has the same ideas as Tom Harrison. That must mean that he is telling the truth as well. It's just one thing upon another, upon another, upon another, going all the way back to Joseph Smith. It's creating a feedback loop that allows them to live in their own separate reality. Yeah. It's like a comedian who only speaks in Austin Powers quotes. Hey, don't you malign Alex Cox like that. We lost an incredible comedian that day. Eddie, behave.

Got it. Damn it. So smart. But these podcasts that Lori Vallow was listening to, these are only part of the equation here.

See, while Lori Vallow had certainly commented Chad Daybell's life with a head full of bad religious wiring, Chad encouraged Lori's insane claims by telling her that they were not only valid, but that she had even more powerful gifts yet to come. Gifts that could only be unlocked by Chad. By me. God. As you can tell, I'm going to be in charge of everything. And so, well, including that bad...

Booty. Lori, a lot of good things to come. And so in the weeks after the PAP conference where the doomsday couple met, Lori and Chad bought burner phones to hide their burgeoning affair from their respective spouses. They communicated constantly

constantly through text and Lori even began emailing Chad videos of herself doing supposedly sexy PG-13 dances. Do you know what they were? What?

So part of their storyline, which don't worry, we're getting to, is they're, you know, they're connected to this ancient biblical story. It's fake, right? We'll get to it. I can't wait. But what she did was that she believed that she espoused the spirit of an ancient seductress of Jewish leaders. And that what she did would go in and she would like, like whoever it was. Was she Jewish herself or was she a shiksa? She's a shiksa. Oh, you're tall. Have you seen her?

Have you seen her outfit? But no, she is a, the way to put it is that she believed in sort of like a Mata Hari style, like, so what she would do is this dance of veils for him to mimic like David's concubine and shit like that. So she'd go like, oh yeah, yo, yo.

And she'd do kind of like a belly dance where she'd just kind of shift her butt back and forth. Again, these are Mormons. There's only so far they're going to be able to be actively fun sexual. Because they've never done it before. So Lori's the first time kind of doing this. She'd go like... And it's just Tad Daybell going, wow...

He's never seen a woman move her hips. Anything other than to have a child. Well, they go to Hawaii, they must have seen a hula dance. He's not allowed to look. Ah!

I don't think they go to hula. Chad didn't go to Hawaii before Lori. Oh, yeah. It blew his mind. He was like, they have a system where they put coconuts over their precious mammaries. That has to definitely encourage the monkeys. Imagine going to Hawaii and then being like, no, Idaho's the promised land. This is really, honestly, Maui's really nice. But have you been to the Whataburger in Rexburg? No.

But all this brings up a question about piety. See, if Chad and Lori were such super Mormons, then surely their dalliances were edging close to adultery. His sin closes to death. But Chad, not surprisingly, found a way around this little conundrum.

See, in the LDS church, couples are sealed together for eternity when they're married in a Mormon temple, which wasn't a problem for Lori because as far as I know, she'd never been married in a temple because all of her husbands were converts. And if you remember, two of her four weddings were held in Vegas. Chad, however, had been inextricably sealed to his wife Tammy in a temple almost 30 years before he met Lori.

But using his real Mormon superpower of finding a way to justify almost anything, Chad convinced himself and Lori that they'd been married seven times in their past lives, going all the way back to the times of Jesus Christ. So since Chad and Lori were already sealed in a kind of spiritual polygamy, they weren't committing adultery at all. Yeah. I got the same thing with Salma Hayek, but...

She don't know. I burn her phone. I don't want to see it going to her burner phone. You ghosted me at lunch again.

Another bowl of soup wasted waiting for you, Salma. Just endlessly texting Salma. Believe me, I wish I'd growl. I've been texting her too. Wait, what? To help you. I'm your wingman, dude. What I'm doing is I'm threatening Salma in a super realistic, frightening way to drive her to you, bro. I can't wait till we have our time together, Ms. Hayek. Oh, you will.

Now, lest you think that this was just a spiritual journey for Chad and Lori, the sexual side of the relationship began quite quickly, although it was just a lot of talk at first. See, Chad told Lori that in the nights after they met, while they were still at the PAP conference, Lori's spirit had joined him in his hotel bed, and he had intense visions of all the passionate pastimes

past-life lovemaking they'd engaged in together over the centuries. Well, from there, Chad picked up the old writer's quill and wrote God... Oh, time to get to work! And he wrote god-awful erotic fiction starring Laurie and himself, substituting the names Chad and Laurie with James and Elena, which I suppose were names they both had in previous lives. Jewish concubine! Ha ha!

You're my Jewish concubine. Chad then sent this sad attempt at erotica to Lori over text, which hilariously became public knowledge when all their text conversations were submitted as evidence in their respective murder trials. This is an example of Chad's text erotica. And please, Henry, word for word. I will. Rob, do we have a romantic sound bed at all?

James and Elena had agreed to visit the temple the following morning. She returned to the hotel room, and after additional romance on the couch, they calmed their nerves enough to give each other a blessing. As James placed her hands on her head, he connected with Elena's true, eternal self.

He knew he was in the presence of an exalted goddess who had returned to Earth to perform a special mission. This mission included being with him and they would progress together as translated beings. The full plan wasn't yet completely clear to him.

But the immense power radiating from her confirmed his belief that she was among the great women in the universe. God damn, I'm so fucking hard right now. Unfortunately, I have already expressed myself. And now I've found the work to be lacking. This is very, it's true. But remember, Chad,

does not have an imagination. No. So they are saying one of the big things is that anything he wrote about in any of these books are things that actually happened. And there is a, it seems to be, the reason why these were in the trial was because they had cooperated. I gotta change this word. I gotta do anything but this word. Cooperated? Everybody makes fun of me for the fucking word. And I am now paralyzed. And I cannot move forward. Cooperated. Shut up.

Confirmed. They looked at the schedule of the temple and where they were, and they basically connected all of these texts and things within these fake stories two times that they did things physically in the real world, in this sad, telestial world. So Chad and Lori had a guy that got them into a temple, and there is some belief that they committed one of the highest acts

sins in Mormon in Mormon anity, which is to fuck in a temple and that they might have, you know, I actually do have, uh, I've been thinking about it. I think I know the moment and we're going to, we're going to get back and we're going to get to it later. But I do think I, I, I pinpointed the moment in which this happened. Are you sure? Cause this sounds like it's written by a virgin.

Oh, it is. Oh, no. Chad's unfortunate. Chad has five children at this point. So, unfortunately, we do know he is not a virgin. He definitely had sex five times. And then also with Lori. I mean, Lori blew his mind. He's never seen pubic hair. Like, they have sex in the dark. Like, him and Tammy had sex in the dark through a sheet. And they didn't even have to. They had it through the sheet just because he thought it was fun to look at something purely white. He likes having sex with snow. Yeah.

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Now, the concept of past lives is extremely important to the evolution of Chad and Lori's belief system, but it's almost doubly important when it came to their evolution as a couple. When it came to the couple part, Chad continually blew Lori's sense of self-importance way out of proportion by feeding her stories about past lives. Stories that simply built on the shit Lori was already saying at pap meetings before she met Chad.

Chad told Lori that she, along with her family and friends, had all been important Mormon prophets and pioneers, in addition to warriors who'd fought great battles on the side of the Nephites, the good guys in the Book of Mormon. They fought them against the Lamanites, the bad guys in the Book of Mormon. And this, of course, only increased Lori's arrogance and self-assuredness.

The laminates, they're protected by plastic, right? Yes. You can write on them with dry erase? Yeah, with dry erase. No permanent marker on the laminates. Honestly, one of the most effective ways to destroy the laminates is to enter into their sacred space with shoes on. Because that will disturb.

The highly, highly held. The couch of a laminate. Also covered in plastic. Yep. I have to cover myself with plastic to sit on the couch.

Now, as far as how reincarnation fit into Chad and Lori's belief system, Chad claimed that after a person lives two mortal lives, they choose to sign either a light contract with Heavenly Father or a dark one with Satan. Yeah! And the person gets either lighter or darker with each subsequent life. Additionally, every time someone is reborn, the veil between the mortal world and the spirit world thins.

Chad and Lori, of course, had extremely thin veils because they had respectively lived 21 and 31 lives. 21 for Lori, 31 for Chad. Chad's always got to be a little bit better than Lori in everything. But that makes Lori hot. Yeah, well, I bet she's a younger lady. Yeah. Yeah, 21 lives instead of 31. Oh, yeah, yeah. Chad's the mature one. And they also, of course, lived very impressive lives. Oh, extremely impressive. Got to. The guy who invented the high jump? Mormon. The guy who invented...

You know those things that you put in the gutters at a bowling alley so the ball doesn't go in? Oh, yeah. Mormon. Yeah. Anything that sucks. No one's ever James from accounting in a past life. Never. It's always Jimi Hendrix or the Pope. Yeah, it's just that old. Yeah. You lived and died in the same English village, and you unfortunately shit yourself to death at the age of 23. Actually, I did a really, really interesting past life regression the other day, and it turns out

I was the cow that started the Chicago fire. Cool. You were Mrs. O'Leary's cow. Yeah, I was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was molested. That cow was molested, and there's a reason why. If you go back to why that cow did it, look at the schools. You know, I find that utterly amazing. Yeah.

EddieTunes.com I looked at Eddie's dark cycle the other day. Unfortunately, he's a 2.9. 2.9 dark? Yeah. Wow. Heading towards...

Oh, yeah. 4.20 last time I checked. Whoa, fucking 4.20! You're too high right now, man. Yeah, dude. Fuck yeah, dude. You totally redeemed yourself. Well, Chad said that he was the reincarnation of both Martin Luther and Methuselah, while Lori was the reincarnated wife of the Mormon prophet angel Moroni. Moroni, of course, the one who brought Joseph Smith the golden plates. Is Moroni's wife Snooki? You remember, like, who dated...

Yeah, that was... Like, hey, it's me, Moroni. You ever meet my ex? What a bitch. Like, who's dating Moroni? Hey, Moroni. Hey, what are you talking about? It's me. Oh, this is my wife. She makes amazing struggle. Who's Methuselah again? Methuselah was the old man in the Bible. He never died. He was like so old. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Noah's guy.

Wouldn't he be related to Noah? What do you mean, his guy? He's like HVAC guy? I could be wrong, but I think he's related to Noah. Might be. I think he would have died in the flood. Same book. But it's not real, no matter who he is. You're right. Yeah, yeah. You're just talking about a character in a book. Yes, yeah. That's right. Well, yeah, yeah. There's Noah's grandfather. Thanks, Rob. You did work, Rob. Man, I went to Catholic school. Yeah, and did you know that Voldemort was his cousin? Really? Yeah, yeah.

And so, after combining Chad's reincarnation beliefs with his light-dark numbering system, our two Mormon doomsday prophets began yes-anding each other until they had finally talked their way into spiritually and morally justifying cold-blooded murder. Murder! Chad and Lori began by tabulating the so-called vibration levels of everyone they knew. Vibration level, that's the strength of their spirit. Okay. Yeah, like, mine is like this. Ah! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

Hell yeah. Oh yeah. Audio medium. Thank you. Your usual jokes are really killing. It's funny, it didn't even work to the people in the room. I'm playing to the crowd. I'm playing to the crowd. They love me. They need to see me. Vibration was also attached to libido. Very important to the Mormons.

And it was also attached to everyone's trust level, as well as the light and dark percentages contained within each person. Vibration level is very important to Chad and Lori's belief system. But it's also important to remember that Chad and Lori considered themselves to be both 4.3 light, therefore the highest vibration. Actually, one source I saw said that Chad eventually considered himself to be 4.4 light. No shit! What?

That goes all the way up to 11. Exactly. You fucked up my joke. That was my next joke. Because Lori had the highest vibration possible and Chad's basically went to 11. There we go. Thank you. Thank you. Good joke, Marcus. Thank you.

But since they were so high, they both decided that people with extremely high vibrations didn't have to follow the strict teachings of the LDS church. So they therefore freed themselves to make their own rules. It's also important to note that during this time period, Melanie Gibb is texting them saying, do my husband next.

Do my kids next. Melanie, by the way, she's the podcaster, one of the most popular podcasters on the PAP network. And that's not saying a lot, but it is saying a thing that is true. But they all, like, this is just important to remember that as this is going, every person that will eventually flip on them was very much a part of this LARP before people started dying. So they all were very encouraging of this, and I think largely it's

because much like I play my D&D game, I know that technically it is many hours after I've already worked and I make stuff up funnily for work all day, but then I go to play D&D for fun in which I make up things for three hours. And I think that they are, this is the issue here, is that they're in a D&D world, they're enjoying the D&D world, but they don't really want to know when it comes down to it. It's like,

I can't really kill Mike Lawrence in my group, even though right now he's sort of playing a heel. Yeah. But I can't physically stab Mike to death. No. But I can kill his character in the game.

But they don't understand that when you kill the character in the game, in this story, they die. For real life. I will say, Mike is now employed at the network and they started doing Nerd of Mouth. So you could fire him. Yes. That is true. That is true. Bye.

But Chad and Lori had a sort of fail-safe built into their system that allowed them to jettison anyone in their lives. No matter how high a person's vibration was, anyone could become infected with a demon spirit controlled by Lucifer. Whoa. Yeah. That's big. Yeah. Chad, quickly catching on to the fact that cults need their own nomenclature, came to refer to these demon spirits as worms or slugs.

If someone was infected with a worm or a slug long enough, they would become, again in Chad's parlance, a zombie. Once a person became a zombie, though, that was the point of no return. That person's soul had been pushed out of their body into limbo. And the only way to save that soul from limbo was to kill the zombie body that had been infected by the demon slug. Or from a song by Buster Poindexter. Ha!

R.I.P. David Johansson. No, Buster Poindexter. I said this on SideStorms. He'll always be Buster Poindexter to me, and he tried to save us. Yeah, by telling us how hot it was. Telling us about climate change. Actually, I would say that... He was the Cassandra. I would say that Hot Hot Hot was very encouraging of Limbo. People loved Limbo. I know, but it gets you out of Limbo, because the only way out in Limbo is through.

Under, actually. Yeah. That's how you lose limbo. Yeah. Going through. I make my own rules. Oh, I gotta walk under this stick? Fuck all of you. Limbo, what is this, some Spanish curse? Ha ha!

Now, all of this demon slug zombie bullshit, this is a combination of cult speak nonsense and Chad's own subpar horror fiction sensibilities. Because to me, the zombie slug demon concept sounds like a stream of consciousness first draft idea that gets fucking thrown away because it's bad. Yep.

But with lightning speed, Chad and Lori began implementing these beliefs into their daily lives. And it wouldn't be long before Chad and Lori's echo chamber led them to assign zombie status to pretty much anyone who stood in the way of them being together.

Well, I think the term that started to come around was death percentages. Death percentage is a big one. So death percentages were each time they would get a death percentage, it would be he goes all the way up to 99.9. Because that means you got to go. And that's what JJ hit, unfortunately. Do you think that all the Mormons moved to the Great Salt Lake because they knew the salt would kill the slugs? Whoa. I don't know. Think about it. Huh?

I will. I promise. All right, get back to me. Now, the confidence in their past life marriages that Chad and Lori quickly developed over text, that led them to be quite brazen about their affair, even in its early days. Just weeks after Chad and Lori began texting, Chad arrived in Lori's neck of the woods to give a speech at the next Preparing a People conference held in Mesa, Arizona.

Over that weekend, Lori had Chad stay at her home because her husband Charles was out of town with their kids, Tylee and J.J.,

After the conference, Lori hosted the after-party at her house. God, what a fucking bad fucking scene that must have been. Make sure you get plenty of two liters of strawberry soda. Oh, definitely will, and we'll throw some... I don't know, we might even get a little ribald and watch Mr. Mom, the old Michael Keaton film. Isn't there a couple of S-words in that one? I know, I said, I just...

When it comes around, I'll talk loud. Now, are you talking about suck? Or are you talking about shit? Stop it! You whore! You whore! Well, at the after party, Lori was given the opportunity to speak in front of a very receptive audience of about 30 people. Speaking to the crowd about what Chad had shown her with his magical owl necklace, the one that Chad used to divine past lives and suss out light-dark levels, Lori said, quote,

Hey, everybody. I got to see myself as a warrior fighting for the Savior. And I was one of his strongest warriors. I saw it, and he showed me so that I could never deny it again. I was not sweet. I was not innocent. I am old. I have fought. I have fought in this war for millennia.

That's who I am. And I came down here to be a warrior and fight. And I only thought that I was sweet and innocent. Wow. Wow. Wow. Jazzy. Because these fucking pieces of shit, because this is what they did with Taylor Swift. This is how Taylor Swift got introduced to people. Some record executive just unveiled her at a party and said, here's the new one. And then they all went like, yeah.

And that's it. Yeah, no, she literally was on top of a stairwell and then started playing a guitar. And she was 16 years old and walked out and like kept playing as she walked down the stairwell. Oh, yeah. Her entire life has been orchestrated. Now, Lori Vallow had already been spouting this nonsense at Pat meetings before she met Chad Daybell. But this particular gathering was made up.

specifically of big Chad Daybell fans. And here you suddenly had this woman, Lori, whom Chad had anointed as a chosen one. Therefore, the response to Lori's bullshit was highly positive and immediately validating. And guess who's not testing well anymore? Tammy. Tammy's not. Tammy's home. Tammy didn't get invited to the all-star introduction of Lori Vallow. She was...

Being a mom somewhere. Just taking care of your kids like a real fucking lazy bitch. Not being the new goddess of the new fucking Mormon millennium. Not just that, but she's also back home running Chad Daybell's publishing company. Oh, very much so. Making his money. And so Lori, and what I also find funny is all of these Mormons, these so-called Mormons,

You guys really hate this whole pap thing.

There's a lot of pap smearing. I already made that joke. I made it last week. Did you? No, no. I think so. Yeah, but Ed did it better. He did it better. He did it better. Yeah, yeah. But that's still stepping on the shoulders of giants. And I also saw there was a fucking dumbass show about yogurt someone decided to put out. And I'm going to fucking attack them physically. You hate yogurt. I know.

Now, I suppose Lori did have some qualms about adultery, however slight, because after she gave her speech, she and Chad left her house and rented a hotel room where they somewhat consummated their passion in a very Mormon way. Can we set the scene? We got to put, you know, you're coming in there. She's laying down there fully clothed. Yes, he's there fully clothed. All right. So he enters the room. They put on the TV.

Guy Fieri sunscreen. Yum, yum. Taking a culinary cruise, I see. Well, instead of just having sex like two normal people having an affair, they, quote, pressed their loins tightly against each other and did so fully clothed. So tightly. Just, I could almost be inside of you if I was nude. Yeah, you would be.

Chad then ran his hands up and down Lori's whole body, still fully clothed, supposedly blessing and purifying each part of her. I love this titty, and I bless this titty as well. All while they still called each other by the erotic fiction names Chad had given them, Chad, James, and Elena. And I love this and this butt, and I love your knees. Give your knees a blessing. Mm-hmm.

Give your ankles a blessing? Hee-haw! Oh, you're laughing. Is it ticklish? It shouldn't be because God is doing it. Yeah, you're just kissing socks anyway. Ha ha ha!

I got some fuzz in my mouth. Over the close stuff, you don't need a hotel room for it. You can just do it apart. Yeah, you can do it in a car. You don't need privacy if you're not nude. Maybe he's got a bunch of Bonvoy points. We don't know. They really are burning a hole in my pocket.

Well, the day after their heavy petting session, Chad laid it on even thick. Cause that's what it is. It's just heavy petting. It's like super heavy. Cause it's just him pressing his entire body against her and just rubbing back and forth. Yeah. Cause also remember Chad Daybell is a big badass. Yeah. How tall is he? He seems like he's like six, two, six, three. He's big boy. Yeah. I would have guessed I'd say he's at least two 90. Yeah. Well,

Well, the day after their heavy petting session, Chad laid it on even thicker during a walk in the park where they scandalously held hands. Oh, wow. My palms are touching. In the park, Chad told Lori about the secret meaning of his novels, a meaning Lori never revealed. And Chad told her for the first time that she had been correct all along because God had indeed chosen them both to lead the select group of 144,000 Mormons who would usher in the end times and the second coming.

Now, after her passionate by Mormon standards weekend with Chad, Lori abruptly went cold with her husband, Charles. He returned from his out-of-town trip with the kids to find that the woman he was unfortunately deeply in love with, she no longer wanted him. And he had no idea what had changed or what had happened in his absence. Things only started to make sense for Charles when he found the sexy videos his wife had emailed to her favorite author, Chad Daybell.

But Charles did not confront Lori just yet, as far as I know. And he only told his sister Kay that his wife was having an affair or about to start one. Like, it's devastating to find that type of footage on a loved one's phone, you know? But, like, how do we put this? If the sex are so bad...

Does it count? If the sex are so bad? If the sexts, right? Oh, the sexts. Yeah, it's hard to pluralize. Yeah, it was really hard to pluralize. Because on some level, you're looking at Lori Vallow do a dumb dance. Sure. And it's not very sexy. It's her just going fully clothed. And on some level, you're like,

she's not even trying to get this guy hard. So you're saying that if you were to find a video that Natalie had sent to another man, you would gauge how pissed off you were about it based on how good the video was? Well, it just depends on how Mormon

the video is. I'm just saying, like, this is Mormon as hell. Like, this is just not, like, even Charles being like, she doesn't even know how to fucking cheat. Like, she doesn't even know what to do here. Yeah. But Natalie's a dancer. Yeah. That is true. That is like a built-in excuse there. Well, a lot of times it would just turn out she was practicing. Yeah.

Yeah, that is true. That's a great thing to tell yourself. Thank you. I keep myself on lockdown. So now that Lori and Chad had spent a night together, their shared delusions were taken to the next level. Lori told their mutual friend, podcaster Melanie Gibb, that Chad had built a spiritual portal in her closet so he could come visit her and that the two of them could commune ethereally whenever they wanted.

Lori also told Gibb that they had already begun fulfilling their mission. Partly, this mission was to rid the world of evil spirits, a.k.a. zombies. But the location of said zombies was still vague at this point. Chad could, however, say a special prayer, and God would tell him how many zombies were in, say, Wyoming or Texas. He could tell you how many zombies were in each state, but...

Zombie, zombie, zombie. No further than that. Zombie, zombie, zombie. Where are you? Zombie, zombie, zombie. I'm coming for you. Zombie, zombie, zombie. Show yourself. Zombie, zombie, zombie. Ah! Give me zombies!

God just shows them to you. Yeah. It's very easy. Shelf is the only word that rhymes with self, and that's one of my biggest pet peeves in songwriting. When someone rhymes self with shelf, I think it's lazy. It is. Find a different word. I know even Dylan did it, but find a different word. He only fucking whatever, man. Dylan's fucking...

It's on his last legs. He did it in like 1963. Wow. All of this is very funny because she, this portal stuff, fully, entirely stolen from Visions of Glory. Yes, it is. And just that, how sad would you be opening up a Stargate and Chad comes through? What?

A magical portal opens. If he takes his shirt off, he looks like a sandworm. A man in Kmart chinos arrives through the sacred portal to rub on you until he comes his pants. That's it.

That's your night. You sit, you watch Heroes Reborn. And then Chad rubs his front on you and then he cums himself. And then he goes back in the portal home. That'd be the worst. I'm just sitting there like, was that assault? I think I didn't like that.

I felt nothing. Now, it's telling at this point that even Melanie Gibb, the host of a neo-fundamentalist Mormon End Times podcast, was telling Laurie that her and Chad's relationship was getting pretty extreme. Gibb even suggested that Chad might himself be a dark spirit. But Laurie famously said, quote, If Chad is Satan, he sure is a good one.

What, does she believe that there's multiple Satans? She's full of shit. Yeah, making it look like she goes along. Now, even though Lori's beliefs were getting quite out there, she nevertheless made her podcast debut in November of 2018 on Melanie Gibbs' Pat Podcast, Time to Warrior Up. Yeah! There...

All right, all you faithful Utah, you ready to warrior up? You warrior face on, and let's go see Clifford the movie about the big red dog. If this was hosted by the ultimate warrior, I would listen. Yeah, of course, yeah. He actually had a much more genuine Christ moment than many of these people.

Well, on this podcast appearance, Lori openly discussed her sacred mission with Chad, the mission to begin gathering the 144,000 faithful for the end times. What's extremely important to keep in mind here, though, is that when Lori Vallow made this appearance, it had been at most...

About a month and a half since she'd met Chad Daybell at the PAP conference, meaning Lori was all in from the word go. That denim must have felt great. Soon after her podcast appearance, Lori began sending her family members boxes of survival food supplies, whether they wanted it or not. And this seems to be one of the precipitating events that finally raised the eyebrows of her brother Adam, a.k.a. Bo Nasty.

And Bo Nasty began texting Charles Vallow, asking what the fuck was going on with Lori. Hey, Charles, buddy, what is going on? I am receiving all sorts of crazy messages from my sister. It's absolutely nothing. Tell me, Charles, have you ever had sex with a black chick? What?

I think sending survival supplies is nice. It's nice, but... I'd take it if you said... I wouldn't think anything weird if you bought me like a bunch of tack or something. It's because you're an accepting person. I don't want anybody showing up with the hello fresh thanks.

To show up and say, here's the HelloFresh for the apocalypse. This is for the apocalypse. You know what I mean? This is not what... That's what's scary. It's worrying. It's a very worrying behavior. And also, again, Melanie Gibb. Absolutely, utterly hypocrite and full of shit. She had them... They had the show together. So, Lori was her co-host. And this podcast, I got it. I listened to it. Yeah. It's not...

Good. Honestly, for the end times and the goddesses and shit, bad mics, bad editing. It's all garbage. They're bad at it. Horrible mics. The sound quality is maddening. God awful. And they talk to Chad Daybell like he's...

Fucking the hottest guy in the room. They are so like, oh, my God. Oh, Chad's here. But Chad tells them an entirely different story than is in his book than is anything. He tells them all about how he's been hanging out with Jesus Christ since he was a little boy that he's been hanging. And then Jesus Christ, he has a full broad laugh.

He looks at you like a brother, but he hangs out with you like a father. But he'll teach you how to shave like an uncle. Like he says like these weird things where he's like hanging out with Jesus Christ. And they're all like...

Oh, my God. Oh, that's amazing. Like talking to a girl in L.A. and telling them that you have a jet. Yeah. No, it is what I was talking about earlier. It's yes-ending each other into oblivion. That's what these people are doing every single time they get together. Papcast. That would have been good. Yes. That would have been a much better name. My God. A much better name. Much better name. Because you are a professional podcaster. Yeah.

I'm hireable. I heard that the Mormon church is sitting on about 56 billion and they want to have their own podcast network. Now, Lori had become so obsessed with Chad Daybell, the podcaster Melanie Gibb finally began saying, fuck it. Just shut the fuck up and divorce your spouses and be done with it.

Tellingly though, Lori told Melanie that divorce was forbidden, although Lori would later say that she just didn't want a fourth divorce under her belt.

But Lori did say that she and Chad had secretly sealed themselves together for all eternity in a Mormon temple. And I think this is the moment when they fucked right around the time that she had her appearance on the podcast. That's what she means by sealing themselves together for eternity. I think you were exactly on the money and they did it on purpose. They did it because they thought that they were extra extra.

extra special. Yeah, their vibration is higher than everybody else. They don't have to. So the rules of like you can't fuck in a temple don't apply to them. I just feel like it's got to be the least fuck place ever. I don't know.

I don't know, man, that's the thing. The least fuckable place ever. Sometimes the most you want a fuckable place. Yeah. Yeah. I guess so. Yeah. I guess you're right. But I just like, you know, even that like idea of having sex in a church just makes me not feel good, even though I wanted to file it, but I wanted to file it in other ways. You know, like I feel like there's other better ways. You're more Joker makeup on the crucifix and, and there's going like the

devil was here and other weird dumb you know kind of infantile what a 13 year old would do yeah the churches are for jerking off everyone knows thank you how many pumps by the way do you think he got in her a one a two wow wow malori was definitely all in but it doesn't seem like chad was quite as committed

See, in December of 2018, about two months after Chad and Lori met, Chad had a business breakfast with his biggest-selling near-death experience author, Julie Rowe. Afterward, Chad suggested they have a so-called private energy healing session at Chad's house in Rexburg.

During that session, Chad allegedly sexually assaulted Julie Rowe, although the details on what happened are vague. What Rowe did say was that after the assault, Chad started crying. She never saw Chad face to face ever again, but he did send her several apologies over a series of increasingly emotional texts. Damn. Yeah. That wasn't in the doc. No, it's not. Exclusive.

Well, I mean, it's from the book. Oh, okay. And they talk about it, and she...

think about this. You get sexually assaulted and then you got to make the guy that sexually assaulted you feel better. Like you are literally, he starts crying. You have to make it feel better for him. And then he apologizes over and over and over again. But I think what this was, honestly, kind of what I was saying with what will happen with Tammy is that this sexual assault was his first attempt at sort of, I'll make either a,

a family, a polygamous family, like I will have multiple wives, or this is his, let's see how far my powers go. Yeah. Let's see if I can, I just got sex, I just got extramarital sex for the first time. Well, I mean, it's certainly rooted in power. Yes. Like, you know, rape is. But that's what he's done, right? He's finally popped, he finally popped his collar with Lori. Yeah. And then he gets to now with Julie Rowe, I think he's going to try to just,

oh, wow, maybe I could do this again with my other girlfriend. And she was not into it. So you think Lori is the first person he cheated on Tammy with? Yes. Yeah. By far. Well, he had had, well, we'll get into that here in a second. But yeah, I think physically, definitely the first person he cheated. She was the first one I put the letter in the envelope in. Yeah.

Now, by the beginning of 2019, Chad and Lori were speaking or texting Diggly on their burner phones. And it's over the course of this particular year that they would create the conditions in their fantasy world to justify the four murders that made them infamous.

Now, I don't know if Chad's plan was to get rid of Lori's husband, Charles Vallow, through murder all along. Because honestly, like most end times prophets, I'm not even sure if Chad really ever had a concrete plan other than some vague future notion of a new Jerusalem. But what we do know is that pretty soon after Chad and Lori began talking, Lori was telling her friends that Charles was blocking her spiritual gifts. Before Chad, Lori had never said a bad word about Charles.

If you'll remember, Charles Vallow started at three light when Chad did his first spiritual suss out. But within just a couple months, Charles's light spirit number shifted to the dark side.

Once Chad's number shifted, Lori was claiming that she had a revelation that Charles was going to die in a car crash by the end of 2018, I suppose trying to will it into existence. But she was quite disappointed when her husband rang in the new year, still very much alive.

Remember that in the world of Mormon heroes and warriors, in the end times, they don't have time for wives and husbands and children. They talk about this in Visions of Glory. The idea is that the time the tribulations will come, and during the tribulations, the

There is no time for these things. Only those that are, they have to sacrifice. Like Lori Vallow says that she believed Jesus Christ told her specifically, your life is going to be like Job's and you're going to lose everything. And that's the only way for you to spiritually advance. So in some ways I do believe there is a little bit of it. The way it starts is the floating thing.

Tammy's going to die soon. JJ's not going to live long. Charles Vallow's going to die soon because at first I do think on some level they think that they're going to make it happen. They're going to manifest it. They're going to manifest it. But they're pussies because they weren't ready to go for it until they then decided that they have pushed themselves far enough. But it does help if you have a psychopathic brother that you can use. Yeah, it really does.

Well, that's the thing, is that Lori may have learned about the car crash revelation manifestation from Chad.

See, even before Chad Daybell met Lori Vallow, he was telling his colleagues that he was having visions of his wife Tammy dying in a car accident during a snowstorm. Chad was having these so-called visions right around the same time that he started getting attention from women at these New Age conferences. And Chad admitted that prior to his relationship with Lori, he had a brief emotional affair with one of his groupies over the phone.

So from what it seems like to me, Chad Daybell was at the very least hoping for his wife's death from the moment he started getting positive attention from women. And I think the whole slug zombie thing was just as much about justifying the murder of his own wife as it was about justifying the murder of Lori's husband. But really, that's all to say that it was only a matter of time before these two people, people who believed that they were above the laws of both God and man, only a matter of time before they took matters into their own hands. It's

They're Mormon. Why not just go with the whole polygamy thing? Because that has been disallowed by the Mormon church. But these people are also going away from everything. They're not really worried about anything. The thing is about polygamy is that the women have to say yes. They have to agree to it. And the man, I mean this, and this is just impractical, he has to be able to afford it. He has to be able to, and he's

In a way, he's got to have some kind of charm about him. And this is where Natalie and I disagree when we talk about this topic all the time, is that I think he was actively trying to have multiple wives. I think he really wanted to have multiple wives. And I think it just wouldn't take because he has the riz of a fire hydrant. Yeah.

He's literally not someone that can, he can't swing it. He's no Cody. He doesn't have that curly hair and that smile and whatever job allows him to own three houses in Las Vegas. Obviously he doesn't have the day, the leathery charm of a Warren Jeffs or the, the absolutely delicious nature of a Tim Ballard. There's a lot of people that think, you know, it's hard. It's hard to have that kind of charisma. Yeah.

No, when 2019 began... Oh, Riz! Charisma! Holy shit! That's how I learned to use it. Wow! By thinking of the root word. By thinking of the word you could just use anyway. See? Yeah.

That's called slang. My brother man. And guess what, man? Guess what? Slang can be all that and a bag of chips. Because that's what I've learned about slang is it can make you sound pretty good. Yeah, wow, that's the bomb. Yep, it is. My brother man. Groovy. Yeah. Hell yeah, that's boss.

Now, when 2019 began, Chad started off the year with a bang by revealing that Charles Vallow's body had fully been taken over by an unclean demonic spirit. Yeah, oh, God! By who? Who?

was it the vias and the great serpent close it was nick schneider hi hello father michael it is i your ancient villain nick schneider

Hi, hello. Yes, I work in sales. Yep, hi, hello. This is my wife, Betty Schneider. This is my two kids, Nick Schneider Jr. and Flick Schneider. I sell water. It's pretty easy to do. I do it with my mouth. We're originally from Altoona, but we've been living here in Albany for about five years now. So when did you move into Charles? Exactly.

Well, Nick Schneider, according to Chad, this was an old friend of Charles Valo's who had died. But Nick's spirit had been wandering limbo as a demon ever since. Why are you fucking lying to Nick? What did Nick do? Well, Nick Schneider had finally managed to take root in Charles's body as a slug in late 2018 or early 2019. And Charles was therefore now a zombie.

Also, this is a seed I want to plant here, too, is remember that they're Mormons. So every single time they try to cover up a crime or try to do anything in a secular way,

They're doing it from a Mormon uneducated on the secular world perspective. Sheltered perspective. Yes. And so they like I also think that part of the naming thing is like while yes, it was a part of their lore. I do believe it was a ham fisted way of they believed of creating some form of plausible deniability as they spoke about it to each other over text.

and over the phone. No, it's like when you used to text your drug dealer and say, hey, do you have any watermelons? Oh, yeah, of course. And it's like the FBI is watching you being like, the weed's on its move to the 229 Mouser again and we don't care. Fly from Northland.

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A couple of weeks after the Nick Schneider reveal, Chad turned up the volume again when he emailed Lori a list of the seven missions. Everything's fucking seven. Seven missions that they had to accomplish together to prepare themselves for the end times and prepare Rexburg, Idaho as the new Jerusalem. Still need some work. Yep. Look, I did a Google Street View. Yeah.

It was around this time that Chad fucked up like all millenarians do when he revealed the approximate date when the end times would begin, July of 2020. Whoa. But Chad did this for the same reasons his forebears did, to introduce urgency. Because if what he said was true, he and Lori only had a year and a half to get all this shit done.

It also keeps you from thinking things through. Of course. Amongst other tasks, Chad and Lori needed to translate ancient records, establish the presidency of the Church of the Firstborn. I was going to say that. Yeah, provide supplies and organize food distributions as the tribulations start. Of course, of course, have to. And identify locations in northeastern Arizona for so-called white camps where other end-time survivors would live.

And on top of all that, Chad and Lori also had to write a book together. Although the multiple murders would definitely get in the way of them putting together anything suitable for publication. Always a book. Always. And the answer was right in front of them, man. Streaming. Yeah. The answer was in front of them. They should have just laid into the podcasting. Do you have any idea how much more money and clout you could have gotten just leaning into the podcasting world? Mormon drama? Yeah.

People want to hear it. You want to hear about all the different ways you soak? That's what they want to hear. People want to hear there's a market for it.

Now, for you guys, the book was way more successful than the podcast, right? It only took three years of my life, Marcus. Yeah, it only took three years of my life. No, it was entirely worth it. I just lost the middle of my 30s. No, no, Marcus. I lost the Cowmen, the band that I was in for 10 years. I had to get that up. You didn't lose them. You got rid of them, in a way. But you didn't lose them. Yeah, yeah. Didn't.

And then COVID. Congratulations. Wow. Thanks. Thank you. Thank you. I still have a fun newspaper clipping in my fucking closet. It was a big deal for us. We were on the New York Times bestseller list. That was the newspaper clipping. What is that? Yeah.

It's a big deal. It's a big deal to suck. Last book on the left. Go ahead and purchase it. Please go buy it. Get it on Amazon, please. Yeah, my favorite place. Don't get it on Amazon. Barnes & Noble. IndieBound. IndieBound, that's it. That's what we were trying to remember the other day. IndieBound.

Now, Chad Daybell's mini cult began to quickly grow soon after Chad upped the stakes once again with all the instructions and such. But as it turned out, Lori Vallow was actually Chad's most effective recruiter and spokesperson. The majority of the people Lori brought into the cult, however, were from her own family.

First to join was Alex Cox. Remember, Alex had already attempted to murder Lori's ex-husband over 10 years earlier on Lori's command. Alex did pretty much whatever Lori told him to do. And he joined willingly after being indoctrinated by the Preparing a People and Avow podcast, which he listened to obsessively for hours on end while working as a truck driver.

Next was Lori Vallow's niece, Melanie Boudreau, and her husband, Brandon. Melanie was the daughter of Lori's sister, Stacy, the one who died from the eating disorder. Melanie's father had tried to keep her away from the Cox family, but Melanie had reconnected with Aunt Lori as an adult and had quickly been turned into a Chad Daybell follower.

Alex Cox also had nothing going on. He's just a truck driver. He's just a truck driver with a fucking bad facial hair, bald head and a pot belly. You know, truck drivers, to be honest, he gives a bad name to truck drivers. Yeah, sure. It's a great job for a loner that wants to be away from his family. They also would shut down the country if they all quit at the same time. Absolutely. It would be devastating. Alex Cox was.

was so happy to get pulled into the ranks. He was so happy to have a role because you think in some ways he saw more of Laurie's body than Chad did before they met. You know, like... Yeah. Yeah, I would say so. Yeah, he saw her in a bikini all the time. Wow. She was always, you know, flaunting in front of him. So, yeah, she definitely saw more of a... He definitely saw more of Laurie's body than Chad did. Lucky brother. Okay.

That's a lucky brother. Remember, as soon as you talk about this, they all got the same fucking names. Mormons have the worst names. Okay, well, I was about to go through that. I mean, you know, outside of Lori's family, you had the original Melanie, Melanie Gibb from the Preparing a People podcast network. There's Melanie with an E and Melanie with an I. Shut up! Melanie with an E, that's the podcaster. Melanie with an I, that's Lori's niece. Okay.

But Gibb wasn't the only PAP member to join what was becoming a sort of inner circle. Lastly, Chad and Lori were joined by a self-described emotional code practitioner named Zulema Pastanas. Sweet, sweet, stupid, stupid Zulema. Zulema is by far...

I'm going to say... Zulema just kind of... Zulema, I have conflicting feelings about Zulema because Zulema...

is a joiner she's a joiner that's a good term for her yeah she's a joiner she was i think looking for a community and looking for people to tell her that she was important and these were unfortunately the people that she found she's a little older than everyone else she's 55 years old everyone else in the cult like they're on podcasts all the time zelena's just a fan you know she's she's a listener

And she'd become obsessed with the end times and Chad Daybell. She's also a big fan of Denver C. Snuffer Jr. We all are. What?

We all are. The end times author. Oh, yeah. But Zulema, if you watch her, she's my favorite of them. Because if you watch her, she's the Fredo. I'd put her in the closest. She's the Fredo of the group, maybe. But that's the thing. Fredo was still evil. Fredo still did bad shit. He got passed over. Yeah, but he still did really bad shit. Zulema actually kind of...

It's like, you know, when someone runs a red light and somehow all of the cars just kind of pass by them and they just somehow manage to survive. And meanwhile, she's like. Yeah, that is literally Zulema. Unbothered in her lane. Absolutely stupid. Yeah. And just nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. You know, bouncing off the skull. Yeah.

I'd sit close to it if she could see. And she was just too dumb to find her way around. Now, Lori had attempted to recruit her other brother, Adam, into Chad's sphere of influence. Adam, of course, DJ Bo Nasty. But

But while Adam was kind of a shitty dude, owing to the whole radio stunt that killed a woman that he felt no remorse for, he still had a bit more of a head on his shoulders than the rest of his siblings. Let's just say I'm still fielding some of those letters from the last time. See, Adam was rightfully a little weirded out when his younger sister told him that she was an immortal being who no longer needed to eat or go to the bathroom. So you ain't go to the bathroom, sis? Wow.

That's wild. You ever hear this? This is a great old clip. Get into it. It's Drops of Jupiter. You're going to feature the incredible lyrics of Trey. And if you're ever thinking about going to the bathroom, do it on

Ladies and gentlemen, it looks like we have a caller. It's my sister, Lori. It sounds like she's finally going to the bathroom. Can we get a little bit of a microphone in there? P-Bike! It's a P-Bike! Oh my God, that's my sister, Lori. She's defecating. Ah!

That's right, Mr. Scream. Adam also definitely incredulous when Laurie claimed that if she was shot, the bullet would pass through her body without hurting her. Also distressed by Laurie's claim that she could see spirits walking around her house and that she had a particularly aggressive encounter with the devil in which they'd screamed at each other about God knows what. Probably where to set the thermostat.

That is the hardest. Have you ever even tried to negotiate with the devil? And this next song goes out to my sister, Lori. It's Motley Crue with Shout, Shout, Shout at the Devil. I'd still be doing that if radio hadn't have been murdered in the mid-2000s. Hey, that was the special sauce, man. He's talking about that. There's still a lot.

there. Ironically, you are part of the problem of killing radio. No, I held on as long as I possibly could before coming over to the other side. Radio died about 10 years before podcasts came along. Yeah, no, no. It was the Telecommunications Act of 1996. If you want, I can give you a whole presentation on it. Release me! I would like the presentation and I will sit through it after this. Sounds good. All right.

Now, Adam was the only person in Laurie's family to really sound the alarm that something was wrong with Laurie. And he was the only one who would listen to Charles Vallow when Charles said that his wife was losing her grip on reality.

Charles's text to his brother-in-law, however, would not prevent Charles from being murdered. And prosecutors would later allege that it was actually Chad Daybell who masterminded the entire plan to kill Charles from beginning to end. Although I think his murder was very much a collaboration. Oh, yes.

So the plan to kill Charles was certainly a long-term scheme. From what it seems like, Chad and Lori were trying to provoke Charles Vallow into committing an act of violence by dismantling his life, an act that then could be met with deadly self-defense.

But Charles Vallow was not a violent man. So Laurie very much had to create the conditions that would drive him to lose his mind completely. They did, however, still need religious justification for killing Charles, which Chad had already provided. See, Laurie fully believed, or at least wanted to believe by this point, that her husband was a zombie, which fulfilled an important purpose.

Instead of being a woman with four divorces and five marriages, or worse, a simple murderer, Lori Vallow could reframe herself as a warrior for Christ, and Chad could do the same, just so long as everyone they killed was a zombie possessed by the devil. Now, the opening volley leading up to Charles' death came on January 29th, 2019, while Charles was in Houston, Texas on a business trip. It

Just like most people in Houston. Yeah.

Lori also didn't waste any time in telling Charles what she'd done. As soon as his plane landed, she called him on his cell phone and told him that she'd not only taken all his money, but that she was now a god gathering the $144,000 for the second coming due to arrive July 2020. Well, I'm currently waiting for my Uber right now. Maybe we can talk about this when I get to the hotel.

While Charles tried to reply, bewildered, Laurie kept referring to him over and over again as Nick Schneider, the demon slug. She told her husband that she knew he wasn't Charles anymore, and because of the spiritual guidance Chad had given her, she could now murder Charles with her spiritual powers if he didn't leave her alone.

She then hung up and left Charles stranded in Houston with $7 to his name after absolutely shattering his life over the course of one phone call. And now for the rest of the episode, we're going to cover Charles' skyrocket to the top of the country music scene as he arrived in Houston with nothing but $7 in his pocket. A goddess on the run and his guitar. Yep.

This is... It's weird, right? Because this is where... If you listen to the prosecutor talk about this...

This is where we start to see how crazy is Lori. Yeah. Because what she'll do is some very cognizant, like, of the world moves. It's all about money. She's immediately going for the money. This is all about the money. Like, this is like maybe kind of many ways it was all about the money. And all of this is even just cover for all of the horrible things that they did.

Well, she needed money in order to keep looking the way she looked and go into Hawaii all the goddamn time. She didn't look that good. She looked like she spent a lot of money on her fucking hair and face, though. Yeah, dude, that fucking bleach blonde hair, that shit ain't cheap. Oh, I know, I know. It costs money, but it's also like... Hers wasn't that good. I've actually now come around that upon looking up about as much as I've looked at her face, she's not as attractive as...

No. No, she's bad. Damn. Yeah. I don't know why you ever... Yeah, thank you. That's great. I mean, it's great. I don't know why it took you years of staring at her face to realize that. Sometimes it does. Okay. Because sometimes it's the opposite. Yeah. You fall in love with somebody over time. Man, that is true. And I've fallen out of love with her. Because she's... Honestly, prison is not doing well for her. Oh, that's what it is. She needs moisturizer. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, Lori, not content with taking all of Charles' money, she then drove to the Phoenix airport with her cult friend Melanie Gibb and used a spare key to steal Charles' truck from long-term parking, then drove that truck to a friend's house without telling Charles where it was. Oh, yeah, so they were having a blast, her and Melanie Gibb. Finally, Lori canceled Charles' return plane ticket, had a locksmith change all the locks in their shared home, and she hid all of Charles' belongings behind survival food buckets in a closet.

Lori then took her children, JJ and Tylee, to stay at a local Hyatt. That bitch! A Hyatt? I know, tell me about it! Bonfoy people here! Come on! If you're gonna kill your kids, you do it in the right place. A Marriott. Ha ha ha!

Now, Charles was understandably upset about all this because he was still very much in love with Lori for whatever reason. And that's not even to mention the fact that Lori was at the time in custody of their adopted child, JJ. It's just imagine what's going through this guy's head. He's a thousand miles away in Houston. He's in two states away. And his wife has just called him to tell her that she is a God. Oh, yeah. And that she's in care of a disabled little boy. Like it's.

Not fun. That's also, I do want to remind the audience, is that JJ was significantly more

He had a lot of health issues, and so it's very, very scary. Where the hell did he disappear to? Also, how checked out do you have to be to let it go this far without saying anything? This did really... I will say, on Charles Valo's behalf, the temperature rose fairly quickly. You're literally talking over only a couple of months. This went from...

kind of just some fascination of hers into a constant talking point of hers. And it is just, it is now at a full boil. And you're just kind of hoping it gets better. Well, I just think you don't think anybody's going to kill their kids. No, of course not. And as far as like him...

like this going on for a long time. We'll get into it a little bit, like how long he was concerned for, but I do think you hit upon something when you said like, he was just kind of hoping it would get better. And he, I think he was just sort of hoping that she was going to come around eventually and she's going to leave all this stuff behind. But as Henry said, like, yeah, the volume gets turned up really, really fucking fast here.

So Charles, understandably upset and worried, he called Laurie the next day and had a friend listen in, a fellow Mormon named Gabe Bonilla. What?

Yeah, the only other Bonilla I've ever heard. Yeah. Gabe Bonilla. Yeah, wow. Gabriel Bonilla. Oh, man, that's amazing. He's not, no relation. As far as I know. Let's look it up. Well, on that call, Bonilla heard Laurie threatened to, quote unquote, destroy Charles and told him not to bother coming home. Oh, wait. Ah, okay.

Not related. Well, as far as the kids went, Lori said that Charles could have JJ because she didn't want him anymore. In fact, Lori seemed to never really care about JJ at all because multiple people reported that Lori referred to JJ over and over again as a drug baby because both of his parents had been addicts.

Charles may have gotten a loan from Gabe Bonilla because before long, he had enough money for a return ticket to Arizona. Once arrived, he took a cab to the local mental health facility and got an emergency petition to get Lori held for a 72-hour observation.

But once he got home and found that all the locks had been changed, he called the police to ask for a welfare check on the kids, Tylee and JJ. Now, if you've never seen the body cam footage that shows the cop speaking with Charles Vallow that night outside of his house, it is fucking chilling. I think it's key to understanding the story is to watch the body cam footage of all of the instances because it's very, very important because you really see how they were...

fucking railroaded by the police as well. Yeah. You can see Charles firsthand in an utterly baffled state telling cops that his wife has lost her mind, that she believes she's a resurrected being, believes she's a god, and that she wholeheartedly believes that Charles had been replaced by a demon named Nick Schneider.

Unfortunately, though, Charles saying all this out loud to the cops made Charles sound crazy. And you could hear the skepticism in the voice of the cop talking to him. Of course! I would have been like that. Oh, yeah. You're a demon named Nick Schneider. No, my wife believes that I'm a demon named Nick Schneider. Okay, so...

Do I call you Mr. Schneider? No, I don't believe it. My wife believes that I am, and she also believes that she's a god and that she's going to leave the 144,000. By the way, we're LDS. Oh. Oh.

Thank you. Tell me about that. He did actually say that in the, like, as if it was going to explain something. When he's talking to the cops, he goes like, you know what? He says like, yeah, you know, she thinks that she's a god. She thinks that she's a part of the 144,000. We're LDS, by the way. She thinks I'm a demon. Like, I don't know why he put that in there. Because he knows it's crazy. I do think it's because the cops. Because he's also, remember, he's also converted. Yes. But I think that when you're converted, let's just put it this way. He's...

He's a Mormon, and he's a practicing Mormon. But it's, again, a lot of these things, they talk about he's on the spectrum. He's probably on the lighter end of the spectrum. These guys are talking about, like, he wants the cop to know, like, you probably...

hear from crazy people from our church all the time. Yeah. I think that there's a lot of that being like, I'm one of the normal ones. Yeah. If you think about this, he probably says that because of all of the various controversies they've been around, fringe Mormon groups in these areas. Yeah.

But the most important statement that Charles made to that cop, and this is kind of addressing what you said earlier, Eddie, was that Lori Vallow had been on a steady downward slope for about four or five years. And I think this is key to understanding this whole story. What this tells me is that Lori Vallow was not brainwashed by Chad Daybell into becoming a monster. Lori Vallow came ready-made from the Mormon fringe, and she'd been waiting for someone like Chad to finally come along and unleash her upon the world. Now,

In other words, I truly do believe that it was Laurie and Chad together who created the conditions that led to four murders, but not just them alone. The other people responsible here are all the other neo-fundamentalist Mormons who encouraged them every step of the way.

Now, when the cops came to Charles's house that night, he did tell them that Lori had threatened to murder him. But when the cops asked what Lori said specifically, Charles admitted that she didn't use the word murder per se. Instead, Lori had said that she would destroy him, which is apparently too vague for the cops. The officer on the scene just sort of shrugged and said that Lori's statement wasn't a direct threat, so there was nothing the cops could do.

Furthermore, because of their marital status, nothing Lori had done was technically a crime. Transferring the money, stealing Charles' truck, all this stuff is in both their names. She hadn't done anything wrong as far as the law was concerned. So the cops basically said good luck with the mental health hold and left Charles to deal with Lori on his own. And this is exactly why I don't think Lori's crazy. She's not.

What she's doing is crazy. Yes. But it's all very calculated. It's all like she knows exactly what words to say to skirt around the law, the things that she's allowed to do. She knows she's allowed to change the locks. She knows she's allowed to take the car. She looked it up. She definitely researched it. And the cops have this like...

It's fucked because they look at Charles Vallow. He's a big guy. He's a big, strong guy. You look at Lori Vallow. Well, they haven't seen Lori Vallow at this point. But they also, they're giving him the, you're having problems with a chick kind of vibe. They're definitely giving it that vibe. Oh, you think that some chick's going to come and kill you? It's being like, bro, you're

You need to start taking women more seriously. They kill every fucking day. Women are just as dangerous as the rest of us. Okay? We have to start putting women in jail. Often. I think we already do that. Quite high rates. A lot of times there's like a man who's doing the bad thing and the woman takes the fall. This is about them catching up.

Now, Charles was getting increasingly desperate, so he showed up to JJ's school the next morning. When Lori drove up and took JJ inside, Charles stole Lori's phone and purse, possibly to gain some sort of control over the situation.

Later that day, Lori, along with podcaster Melanie Gibb and her daughter Tylee, they showed up at the police station to report Charles for theft and to give their own version of events. The footage of Lori's interview, however, is just as chilling as watching Charles list Lori's delusions, but for entirely different reasons.

See, Lori Vallow played the perfectly reasonable yet defiant Fox News hot wife. And she easily charmed the officer she spoke with, just as Lori was able to charm almost every cop she came into contact with until the very end. You and I talked about this on our call, and there's something about, it's a style of flirting that makes cops fall apart. There is a style of big

like haired woman. You know what it is? It's a, it is a combination of toughness and submissiveness. Well, cause if you can put those two things together, if you can show like, I'm a tough chick, but also I'll do whatever you say, then a cop is going to fucking just fall forward immediately. Yeah. Pretending like you got nothing to hide, but she's laughing it all off. Well, that to me is the most utterly concerning part of it, which the cops just, it just bounces off of them where the cops just, they are talking to her. She does this thing. We talked about this.

where it's a type of flirting where a lady presses her hand completely between a man's tits all the time, like touching his chest going, ha ha ha!

Don't touch me. Don't. Not today. I'm just thinking it's nice that you can see that's what it does, and they all melt. Yeah, they do. They absolutely melt. Lori Vallow knew. She knows how to manipulate authority figures. Knows very well. I think I could flirt pretty well if I had the right parts.

Little hands, bigger feet. Huh. Did you say flirt or fart? Depends on what part of the country you're in. Well, Lori Vallow presented herself during her interview with the cops as the victim of a cheating and manipulative husband. She claimed that she'd gotten into an argument with Charles and had taken her children to a hotel for safety. And Charles had stolen her phone so he could lure Melanie Gibb to his home for some unknown reason.

But the whole time, Lori stayed calm and collected, even making little jokes. Like when she said she really only wanted her purse back because her best lip gloss was in there.

In fact, owing to her extreme arrogance, Lori Vallow, to the best of my knowledge, has still not broken in front of a cop to this day. She specifically will not give them the legit story. She only has given the legit story technically to Colby the one time in that prison phone call, but the rest of it is her version of the story. She's given them nothing.

But as it was with Charles, the cops told Lori that there was really nothing they could do. But they did suggest she go for the psychiatric evaluation Charles had ordered just to get it out of the way. And so Lori Vallow, in the midst of her largest delusions, got a full mental health evaluation and easily came out the other side with a clean bill. Yeah. And we're going to see, like, later tonight, the interview with Lori Vallow is going to air. And I saw a little preview of it that you sent me, Henry. And...

She's still acting the same way. Like prison hasn't fucked with her at all. It's only emboldened her in many ways. She is getting a lot of attention from inmates. Charles, however, had decided that enough was enough.

Lori was still in possession of both kids, so Charles filed an order of protection against her naming all of her wild claims, including the claim that she was going to kill him and have an angel dispose of his body. This, of course, was all in a bid to show how dangerous she was to J.J.,

Lori, meanwhile, had taken Tylee and J.J. to stay with her psychopathic brother Alex 30 miles away in Santan Valley. And she'd stopped going to church so she couldn't be found. Finally, she did return J.J. to Charles, but refused to hand over the child's medication out of pure spite. After that, Charles Vallow filed for divorce and for custody of J.J., completely broken, then changed the beneficiary on his $1 million life insurance policy from Lori to his sister Kay Woodcock.

"'Charles was not, however, just doing this despite Laurie. "'It seems like Charles was trying in vain to save his own life "'because Charles had told his divorce attorney "'that if anything happened to him, "'the people responsible would be his wife and her brother Alex.'

Charles' suspicion was confirmed when he tried changing the beneficiary himself through his insurance company's website and discovered that Laurie had changed the password to his account. Devilish! The most impossible, impossible obstacle!

Eventually, Charles, he just had to go to a notary and he got the beneficiary change to his sister. But Lori was still under the impression that her childish password switcheroo had made it impossible for Charles to change beneficiaries. So she believed that when Charles died, she was going to get the big payout. Lori, meanwhile, was only becoming more erratic.

She flew to Hawaii on February 10th, claiming that she wanted to start over with $10,000 in cash, six burner phones, and a bundle of papers filled with conspiracies and the bizarre religious doctrine she and Chad had concocted together. And it's also important to remember, every single day, Lori and Chad are texting each other, talking to each other about this thing and that thing and everything, erotic shit, weird shit, light-dark levels, the end times, everything. Every single day, Lori and Chad are texting.

Also, you're going to Maui. You need more than 10 grand. Kauai, actually. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Even that. You need more money. Hawaii's expensive. Once on the island, Lori tried a little recruiting when she met up with an old Mormon friend. This friend said that Lori talked incessantly about Chad Daybell, her past lives on other planets, and how she was a god with supernatural powers to eliminate evil.

Now that shit worked great on the fringe Mormons from PAP and Eval, the people who were already primed to believe this stuff. But when you just pull it out during a lunch date, it sounds bonkers as shit.

And so, after Lori asked her friend if she wanted to abandon her family in Hawaii and move to Idaho to become one of the 144,000 Mormons who had been chosen to survive the end times, the friend politely declined. Yeah, I think I'll stay.

In paradise? But also, I don't know if this is... Because my thing is, I'm mostly just taking colloidal silver to not get measles. That's my belief system. So your pineapples are potatoes? Yes. Yes, it's like that. They also have little spikes. Oh, no.

Now, with the rejection of her friend in Hawaii, Lori's self-given mission of gathering the 144,000, ostensibly her whole reason for existing at this point, it was not off to a good start. And her plan for getting rid of Charles for good was getting wobbly as well. See, as it turned out, Chad Daybell was just as excited about that $1 million life insurance policy as Lori was.

So Chad convinced Lori to reconcile with Charles, however temporarily, to secure that policy. And so when Lori reappeared in Arizona and went to Charles Vallow, acting like nothing had happened, Charles excitedly and sadly texted his friends that, quote,

We have our Lori back. They did, though. They did have their Lori back. Yeah. And Lori was going to make herself known. But to me, that tells such a story. Oh, yeah. Because, you know, Charles Vallow is texting his friends and his family. We have our Lori back. And it was like an exclamation point, which tells me, like, there was definitely two sides to Lori Vallow. Of course. She was living these two lives this entire time. There were ten sides.

They didn't work. She was a different person to each. Yeah. She was a chameleon. She changed the most. She was a different person to every single person that she spoke to. It just was like that. It's also classic narcissist behavior to do something horrible, then show up and pretend like nothing happened. That's what, and she is as classic.

close to full-on clinical narcissist as it gets, right? Where she's physically unable to sort of understand any form of accountability. And, you know, of course, and magical thinking is also like a massive part of narcissism. And so we always, the example we always give was Casey Anthony taking the cops to Universal Studios

to tell her like, yeah, let's go to work. Like, okay, I'll take you, take us to where you work. You're like, I work at Universal Studios. And she just walked them through the offices and everyone's looking around like, who the fuck is this person? And then finally, Casey Anthony like gets to the end of a hallway and just has to turn around and go like, I don't work here. I never work here. Because she thought at some point something magical is going to happen. Something's going to work out for Casey Anthony. It's just power.

It's that power of that confidence of just walking without a net. And this is, it's got to be really troubling for them. Yeah. Because at this point, they're like, why hasn't Charles Vallow just dropped dead yet? Yeah. Why hasn't this happened yet? It's very frustrating. Now, by the first week of April, Laurie and Tylee had moved to Houston to join Charles and JJ.

And when podcaster Melanie Gibb showed confusion, Laurie allayed her concerns by saying that God had told Laurie to get Charles' finances in order. This, for some reason, did not set off any alarm bells with Melanie. But it seems like Charles may not have trusted Laurie completely because it appears as if he told her that she was still the beneficiary on his insurance policy, which, of course, was a lie. As a possible result, Laurie left Charles after two months for the final time,

She then moved back to Phoenix, where she doubled down on her mission with Chad. This is one of the texts that Chad sent during this time period to really see just kind of how sad he was and how much he needed Laurie. I'm home, missing you immensely, feeling very tired. But I had a splendid time with you, my love. Tonight I figured out who I feel like.

I'm a grown-up version of Harry Potter who has to live with the Dudleys in his little space under the stairs. Every few weeks I get to escape and have amazing adventures with my goddess lover. But then I have to return to my place under the stairs, feeling trapped. But I sense permanent freedom is coming.

That would be murder. That's everybody's dad. So he's more like Dobby. According to some of Marcus's Instagram polls, he's very similar to Dobby. According to my guests, go see My Last Mandate and Last Dream on the Left on our YouTube to see all about what Dobby's up to these days. Let's just say he's generous with his time. He's making debt. Laughter

Fucking Daybell man sitting there pretending like he's Hufflepuff when he's really a goddamn Slytherin. No, bro. He's opposite. He's a Slytherin. He's a Hufflepuff who thinks he's a Slytherin. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Y'all. Y'all. It's Funko. Amazeballs. For all of our podcasts here on the BuzzFeed Network. Oh, yeah. Super cutie. No.

Now, in cults, things usually start getting serious around the time that the leaders start fucking with their followers' marriages. And in May of 2019, right on schedule, Chad and Lori began telling their followers to divorce their so-called dark spirit spouses. Podcaster Melanie Gibb, that's Melanie with an E, she was the first to divorce. Yay! While Lori's niece, Melanie Boudreau, Melanie with an I, followed suit soon after.

But as we know with cults, just getting people to divorce, that's just the first step. The big crossover to the other side is pairing people up. And this is what's hard about the Mormon community is because on the whole, you know what's funny about the Mormons? I'd think they'd be hornier, but they're really not. They're not a horny people. They always talk about libido and such. They have a ton of kids. It's just because it's just making kids. Coming inside of a person to make a child is a different form of fun. Yeah, but you've got to come inside a lot.

Not some of these. I think a lot of them, their eggs are bigger. They have bigger, thicker eggs. I just think that they don't have a lot of fun. It's hard to get the cross fucking going in a Mormon cult. Isn't divorce not allowed in Mormonism? We discovered this. It is. You can, but the thing is, you are sealed. So no matter what, you end up on that planet given to you by your former husband. No matter what, you end up as a spiritual slave. After, yeah, after you die.

Well, after podcaster Melanie Gibb was divorced from her husband, she was paired with a pap member who'd moved to Rexburg with all the other pappers who had been decided they were one of the chosen 144,000. I hate these fucking pappers. These fucking pappers can absolutely go pappers. I only wrote pappers. I hadn't said it out loud yet. And then when I said it out loud, I was like, that's fun. That's fun to say. They put a smile on my face. That's what I called Chad Daybell's man breast. His pappers.

Alex Cox, meanwhile, Laurie's homicidal brother, was paired with cult member Zulema Pastenas. And all of them were ordered to move to Rexburg as soon as possible to await the end times. Ah, Rexburg, where the spiciest dish is ketchup.

Zulema, however, was not Chad and Lori's first pick for Alex. They had first tried to convince Lori's friend from Hawaii to marry him, but the friend said that Alex was, quote, too strange for her to even tolerate. That's a direct quote from her. Ha ha!

And she ended up... That is a thumbs down review. Yeah. And she ended up blocking his number. Yeah. I think Alex is one of those guys that sends a lot of the geekity geek, like memes, like family guy memes. Oh, yeah. He's always telling you how hot your wife is. Yeah, yeah. Being like, lucky.

What I'd do if I was you, huh? I'd be up in that ass, right? Oh, you want extra shine on the car, sir? Now, out of all of Chad and Lori's followers, no one bought into their worldview with more gusto than Lori's brother, Alex. Soon after joining up... Gusto!

That's the word for Alex.

Killing Charles would be a kindness. Yeah, I bet. I bet it would, right, sister? Let me see your nipple. Can you see your belly button? Mallory and Chad also spent a lot... Why is that funny? I don't know why that killed me. I don't know why... Oh.

It's just like a man who's so attracted to his sister, but he just wants to see her belly button. That's all I need. If I see any more, I will be too distracted to kill her family.

Now, Lori and Chad also spent a lot of time building up their followers into believing that Charles was a zombie as well. They'd sit in their temple together and attempt to summon up spiritual forces to defeat him. And in a group text between Lori, Melanie Gibb, and Zulema, they actively tried to cause a car crash to kill Charles using their magical powers.

Charles, meanwhile, had decided to introduce a little chaos of his own. But Charles's attempt to fight back was without a doubt the thing that finally got him killed.

So even after Laurie had left Charles for the final time, Charles had been in regular contact with Laurie's brother Adam, a.k.a. Bo Nasty. And Charles had told Adam all about Laurie's delusions. By this point, Adam was the only person in the Cox family talking to Charles because Laurie had told everyone to not answer Charles's calls or texts because he was evil and he was out to get her.

Adam, however, was fully on Charles' side, and the two of them were planning a full intervention for Lori to hopefully shake her out of her delusions and to get her away from Chad Daybell. And I thought the perfect thing to do that, my good buddy Chuck, is that we need to put together a rack and playlist that makes her understand how cool

it is to be on the earth right so first of all you know moving in stereo has to be number one coming in at the top of the cars with my favorite singer Rick O'Casey and then it has to be we're gonna have to hit her with a New York groove what about

My favorites from Ace Frehley. Don't forget Dr. Doctor. I got a bad case of loving you. It's going to cause me to kill your kids. And don't forget, Lori, if you're really worried about being up there in that celestial palace, just remember, heaven is a place on earth. It's Melinda Carlisle here on KHFI 99.7. Heaven is up on earth.

But it's because of Charles' contact with Adam that we know what precipitated Charles' murder. It is complicated, I will admit, but we're going to do our best to make this as clear as possible. It's a bunch of morons running around doing stupid shit that's always confusing. Always. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's Adam and Alex. Yeah. And it's like so many names that are close to each other. They're all the fucking same. There's a fucking bunch of Melanies. Yeah.

See, Charles had irrefutable proof that Lori and Chad were having an affair. And Charles told Adam that he was fully planning to inform Chad's wife, Tammy. All of this, of course, had come because of an idiotic ruse Lori had tried to pull. This is, again, they're bad at covering crimes. Yes. Somehow, Lori was able to send a fake email to Chad posing as Charles.

The email was asking Chad to help Charles write a book as a ghostwriter. But remember, the email's from Lori. And it's fake. And it's not from Charles, but it appears as if it's from Charles. It's to set up a reason for them to get together. Yeah. The plan was for Chad to show this email to his wife, Tammy, so he'd have an excuse to visit Lori in Arizona. I gotta go help this guy. I have to go write this book about...

Jell-O recipes? You know what I like. You know I like food that moves. Charles, of course, saw the email and figured out what was going on. Hours after discovering the ruse, Charles sent another email directly to Tammy Daybell. Sent it to her work account. Ooh, dirty. Yeah. And told her that he had some, quote, vital and disturbing information about her husband, Chad, and Charles's wife, Lori.

Charles also wrote that since this was Tammy's work email, he would wait to send her the evidence. Didn't want to get her in trouble. So nice. But investigators discovered that this email had been deleted and the sender was blocked.

And since Tammy worked for Chad's publishing company, it's very likely that Chad Daybell was able to intercept Charles' message before it got to Tammy. It's a good shot. He took a good shot. No, unfortunately he didn't. He didn't know that she worked for his publication.

I don't think he knew that much about Chad Daybell. Yeah, I guess not. I really don't think... First of all, I don't think Lori wanted to tell him, and I don't think he wanted to hear it. You know what you got to do, though? This is why, if you're doing this, it is good to blow it up like this. You do it in person, though. Yeah. Okay.

A fake letter from Publisher Clearinghouse. That's it. I would have gotten it. It showed up at the door with a big check, and then they open up the envelope, and it's, your husband's cheating on you with my wife. It's also Mormons, right? If it's Mormons, this is also what you can do. This is a freebie.

You get yourself a table sheet. You cut a hole in it. Stick your head through. Spray paint your face white. Get a couple of fucking wings from the Halloween store. Arrive with a smoke machine. You're an angel giving some information from Jesus Christ. They're all going to fall. They love it.

They want just some effort in the lie. Yeah. If you ever fire me, that's how I want you to do it. I'm doing it as the angel of death. I'm going to arrive. I'm going to wake you up from a dead sleep. We're going to play a game of chess.

And then I'll come in afterwards dressed as Benjamin Franklin to soften the blow. Yes. Just give me a hundred bucks. And that's for your services. Thank you, sir. I don't know why dressing up as Benjamin Franklin is going to soften the blow, but it was the first thing that I thought that might make you feel better. I think Benjamin Franklin brings people comfort. Yeah. See, once Chad and Lori were made aware of the fact that Charles was planning to tell Chad's wife, Tammy, everything, it threatened not only their relationship, but their entire holy mission.

Lori, just like every other great villain in history, she believed that she was the hero in this story, and whatever she needed to do to advance her mission and protect herself, including murder, was morally and spiritually justified.

And so, Chad and Lori devised a plan and gave the mission to Lori's psychopathic brother, Alex, the open mic comedian. As they put it in text, it was now time to do the Lord's work to protect Lori at any cost. So on July 10th, 2019, Charles was flying to Phoenix from Houston with the full intention of staging an intervention for Lori. Adam Cox, aka Bo Nasty, was also supposed to join him, but that intervention would never come to pass.

Now, when Charles came to... Hey, listen. Hey, I was thinking, Charles, you know, thank you again for the plane tickets. It's been wonderful. Instead of doing an intervention, prank phone calls. Have you thought about that? Some kind of goofs? Some, like, lighthearted goofs? We could do something like that. We could get the lead out.

We could do anything good. We could drive 10 blocks. You ever thought about holding your pee? Just for a little too long. I'm thinking, you know, it's getting real close to the end of summer here and it looks like we might have to throw a beer blast. Yeah! Five blocks somewhere! Turn it all around! Now when Charles came to Arizona, he stayed at Lori's new house, house she'd moved into only weeks before.

Charles woke up the morning after his arrival and went to the gym, then came back at around 7.30 a.m., just as Lori was getting ready to take the kids to school.

But Lori was not the only Cox family member in the house when Charles returned. Her psychopathic brother Alex had arrived. And so Charles, knowing that Alex was all in with Daybell's cult, he texted Adam to see if he knew what the fuck was going on here. The only thing Adam texted back was a warning for Charles to be very careful about what he did next. But unfortunately...

we really have no idea what happened after that text. All we have are clues. Because within an hour of sending that text, Charles Vallow was dead. Shot twice by Alex with Alex's legally obtained .45 caliber handgun. You could just see him there, like, just waiting in that house and seeing Charles come in and be going like, hey there, check it boy. Yeah, he's got his fucking, you know, phone. He's got the...

hidden in his backpack in the back of his bucket. Yeah, he's waiting. He's ready to go. Now, the story that Lori's daughter, Tylee, later told the police was that she woke to her stepfather, Charles, screaming and threatening Lori and Alex.

To put this into the right context, though, Tylee was now 16 years old. She's fully a teenager and very capable of lying about what went on if her mother had convinced her to do so. And she definitely did. Tylee and Lori had a very... One of those relationships where it was extremely close. Tylee wanted to be like her mother and would often act in ways to please her mother and parroted things that her mom said in a way that was... I mean...

You could see Tylee just really wanted to fit in with her mom. You ever see those relationships where mom has set up a dynamic where they're cooler than the child and the child wants to be seen as cool in the mom's eyes and the mom is withholding of that, like specifically so that you constantly do things? And the mom's always like making fun of the kid to her friends. Yes. So on and so forth. A lot of the same... Actually...

Same shit that Lori's mom did to her. Weird. Yeah. Crazy. But regardless, Tylee said that she was scared enough when she heard the screaming to enter the room holding a baseball bat for protection, which Charles quickly grabbed out of her hands. At that point, Tylee said she fell down and Alex Cox stepped in. Alex and Charles began grappling. And it's at that point that Lori and Tylee claimed that they ran out of the house.

As soon as they were in the car, though, and there were no witnesses, they claimed that they heard two shots ring out from inside. Despite this obvious danger sign, Lori supposedly told Tylee, go back in the house and get my purse, which Tylee said she did. She did not, however, say that she saw anything when she went inside. She just got the purse and left. After getting the purse, Lori just drove away in Charles's rental car.

She dropped the kids off at school, got Burger King for breakfast, and stopped off at Walgreens to buy flip-flops, making sure she stayed far away from the house where Charles' dead body now lay.

Man, I just keep thinking of that body cam footage of when they're already there and they're investigating the shooting. When the cops show up. Yeah, and Lori Vallow's outside laughing, and she was just joking. She's like, huh, yeah, we just moved here. Hi, neighbors. Hi, neighbors. You keep doing this, like, funny little bit. Like, no, man, it's just no emotion. And I just find it wild that the cops...

Just roll with it. Yeah. They don't say anything. They don't even... Any sign of suspicion. I would describe Lori and Tylee's mood as impatient. Oh, yeah. They want it to be done. They want this over. The biggest crime, Walgreens flip-flops. Always. Never trust someone in Walgreens flip-flops. No. No. No Walgreens apparel. Yeah. If you don't take respect for your feet...

You don't respect the world. You're right, because your feet are the first thing that touch the world every day. That's nice. Now, Alex claimed that just after Lori left the house, Charles attacked him with the baseball bat, and Alex shot him in self-defense. The autopsy, however, told a different story. First shot, that's plausible, but the second showed that Alex had definitely finished the job after Charles was already on the ground. Yeah, normally you don't get a double tap.

with a self-defense wound. Yeah. There was also something staged about the wounds Alex had supposedly suffered in the attack. I don't know how the fuck he did this. Me and Caroline actually tried to, like, play it out at home and couldn't quite figure it out. But it appeared as if Alex had somehow hit himself in the back of the head with the bat to make it look like he was attacked first. Finally, though, the most damning bit of evidence was the amount of time Alex waited before calling 911.

Even though he told the operator that he'd shot his brother-in-law in self-defense, Alex didn't call emergency services until Charles had already been dead for 45 minutes. Yeah, that's how he cleaned. That's when he cleaned up the scene. He did. He tried to stab. In those 45 minutes, he was struggling to hit himself hard enough to bleed. Yeah. Like literally going, ow, ow. Yeah. Ow.

I remember one time I was at a party and some guy's like, I'm going to go break a bottle over my own head. And we're like, please don't. And he just went outside and he just hit himself in the head with a bottle. He's like, thunk. Oh, please. He's like, thunk, thunk, thunk. And you're just like, Jesus Christ.

Christ, this is terrifying. It reminds me of our buddy who decided to punch the parking lot. Which was that? Our buddy Tim. He tried to punch the parking lot? Oh, yeah, he was angry about a lady. He was angry about a lady who just started punching the pavement of the parking lot. Oh, the pavement. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it didn't work. Broke his hand, yeah. Yeah, that happens. Yep. Yeah. But despite all this evidence, it was Lori who charmed her way through the investigation.

She and Alex both told police that Charles had been acting, quote, insane and erratic for months, ever since he and Lori had separated. He'd even, they said, shown up at Alex's house to threaten Alex personally. Lori also told stories about Charles being angry at Lori for caring more about the kids than she did about him, and that he'd treated his stepdaughter, Tylee, horribly.

As a result, Laurie said that she was so scared about having Charles around that she'd asked Alex to stay over the night before the killing in case Charles tried something.

But this was also that little detail right there. That was what kind of set off the alarm bells in the mind of Laurie's first son, Colby. Oh, yeah. Like Colby, when he heard this, he's like, Alex never stays over. Like none of this makes any sense. And when Laurie first told Colby about like, hey, Charles is dead. He died of a heart attack. And then...

A few hours later, she's like, oh, no, no, no. Actually, Alex shot him in self-defense. And he's like, why did you tell me he died of a heart attack? And it was around that time that Colby's wife said, we're going no contact with your family. Yeah. Like, we're not talking to these people anymore. And she made the right decision. Oh, absolutely. If you listen to Chad Daybell's mom, the way she met Lori Vallow was that they all of a sudden were at some party. This is right after they got murdered. They had a family get together. And...

basically asked Lori Vallow what, you know, like, was she married before? Found out that they were married when they all first got together. And then she asked, you know, what happened to your first husband? She said that he died of a heart attack. And then same thing that she had a daughter that died mysteriously but never mentioned having a son. Yep. She told everybody a separate story. Yeah. Also, wasn't Charles, like, really close with Colby? Um... Somewhat. I mean, they had... I think they had a pretty good relationship. But I think...

I think she got married, I think Laurie married Charles when Colby was in like high school or something. So he was a little bit older. He definitely had a good relationship with him. Without a doubt. Much better than his real father, Joe Ryan. But yeah, he was shook. Definitely. When his mother was like, ha, Charles is dead. Sorry! Yeah, sorry!

But there was at least a little bit of skepticism on the part of the police. They noticed that Lori, Alex, and even Tylee were all completely calm and not the least bit unsettled by Charles' death. In fact, Lori seemed almost ecstatic. She wore a big smile, just chat on and on about Tylee's going to Brigham Young next year. And she wasn't, actually. No, she was not. But even with all this weird shit, the cops chose...

File no charges against Alex Cox. Just fucking the guy who did the autopsy, the medical examiner was like, yeah, you should investigate this a little bit more. There's something a little bit fishy here. But the cops are like, nah.

Whatever. Aren't you supposed to at least take them in for manslaughter? These cops... Why do you mean this? I mean, it is a self-defense thing, you know? They don't want to deal... It's possible like a stand-your-ground thing. They don't want to fuck with it. They don't want to fuck with it. These are the laws they like. Cops like stand-your-ground laws. They think it's fun. It's also what it does for them is it makes investigations extremely easy. Less paperwork. Less time spent. They don't... In this case...

This is one of those that the sheer laziness of the police just allowed all of this to happen. And right here, this crux, this is when someone should have showed up. Yeah. Even if you hold him for a night, he might crack. Anybody. Yeah. Chad Daybell, if you put him on, oh my God, if you put it up to 72 degrees in that room, he's going to fall apart. Oh my God.

Well, I think it's also, it's not just laziness, but, and I guess this goes into laziness, but, you know, cops in communities fall into a certain rhythm where they just kind of see the same thing over and over again. Like, all right, yep, I've seen this before. You know, brother, okay, brother-in-law, abusive husband, you know, brother-in-law shoots him. Who gives a shit? You know, like, let's just move on. But it's just, yeah, it's just patterns. They're not thinking, they're never really, like, prepared for the Mormon doomsday cult scenario. Yeah.

But they should because it keeps popping up. We've had four of them in the last fucking year.

fucking year. I mean it. But doing this, Chad, they got Tim Ballard and Jody Hildebrandt, Ruby Franklin, all of these people like this is all happening in the same fucking neighborhood. It needs to be in the training. I'll say that. Now, if you'll remember, Charles Vallow had two adult sons and Lori let them know about their father's death in the most callous way possible. She texted them sending a message that had all the emotion one might show about the death of a beloved family dog.

Hi, boys. I have some very sad news. Your dad passed away yesterday. Yeah, I'm working on making arrangements, and I'll keep you informed with what's going on. Just want you to know that I love you, and so did your dad. Seriously. So did your dad. With three exclamation points. Yeah. Just so you know. Sad news. Sorry. It's sad. Both sons, of course, called Lori. You know what we miss from a lot of these, Marcus? And I will say, the one thing the transcripts didn't have them put into...

We'll see emojis. And it's true. They said that there is a shocking amount of emojis we're missing from this. So there's a lot of crying faces. Yeah, I did see that. After the funeral, we'll go out for ice cream emojis. Well, both sons, of course, called Lori and texted her back to get more information. But Lori all but ignored them.

Soon after, Laurie had Charles Vallow's body cremated without ceremony, then mailed the ashes to Charles' sister. In a manila envelope? Adding insult to injury was what Laurie did when one of Charles' sons asked if she could mail out his valuable watch collections.

Lori said, of course she would. She would never think about keeping heirlooms from a son. But when the son got the package from Lori, he saw that Lori had bought a bunch of cheap Timex watches at CVS and tried to pass them off as Charles's collection. I know that's like such a small part of this, but it's such a telling sign that

of what she... She sold them. Yeah, she sold them. And it also shows her, like, full steam ahead thinking. Oh, yeah, very much so. I'm sure the moment she realized she wasn't getting a million dollars, she sold all the watches. Oh, she sold... And then also just to punish everyone. Yeah. Because that's the thing, is that it's not enough...

that she kills the families is that this is a part of the Mormon arrogance. I'm sorry, y'all. It's a part of it where they want the secular world to suffer. They don't just want to win. They want us to boil alive in oil. They want people like us to be flayed and tortured. That's,

what they would like. They wanted to see, they want to see us scream and cry. But for Lori, Charles's death did not just mean freedom to be with Chad, or at least freedom to be with Chad as soon as Tammy Daybell was dealt with. It also meant a massive insurance payout, or so Lori thought.

Just four days after Charles' death, Lori could not wait anymore. Oh, no. Called the insurance company, see how soon she was going to get her check. But she became enraged when she was told that she was no longer the beneficiary. Almost immediately, Lori began a furious text conversation with Chad about the loss of the money, calling it, quote, a spear to her heart. But over the course of this exchange, Lori all but admitted to the murder four days after committing it.

saying that Charles had changed the beneficiary in March, quote, before we got rid of him. Idiot. But you remember, she's referring to in the text the demon. Yeah, so that's how she covers it for her fucking self. She's like,

Nick changed. I think at that point he was Ned. Yeah, because they call him, sometimes they call him Nick, sometimes they call him Ned. Because Nick Schneider got foreclosed on. He wasn't paying his soul bills. As everybody knows, his old buddy was never super fucking great with money. And then he turned into the saddest demon name of all.

Ned. Ryerson? Turns into, it's just, God, no imagination. Well, eventually, Laurie discovered that Charles had switched the beneficiary to Kay Woodcock, Charles' sister and JJ's real grandmother. As a result, Laurie stopped all communication between Kay and JJ. It was a bad move because Kay and JJ did FaceTime a lot, but

Unbeknownst to Laurie at the time, Kay Woodcock would be her eventual undoing. Yes. Also, she just got the money. Maybe be nice to her. Yeah. Yeah. Now, Adam Cox, a.k.a. Bo Nasty, he was understandably afraid for, I'm never going to let him forget this,

No, no, no. Yeah, it's his name. Bo Nasty, yeah. He was understandably afraid for his life at this point because Laurie was telling their family that Adam had been conspiring with Charles against her prior to Charles' death. And don't forget that Adam was the last person Charles had texted just before being murdered.

The Cox family, not surprisingly, took Lori's side. And the famously paranoid brood totally believed Lori when she flipped the story to say that Charles and Adam had actually been planning to murder Lori for her life insurance because they both become zombies. Adam, however, was not the only member of Lori's family to get the zombie treatment. See, as I said earlier, zombie was a term that Chad and Lori attached to anyone who stood in their way. And Lori's children were next on that list.

Now, there's a lot of speculation and not many answers as to how involved Lori's daughter Tylee was with Chad Daybell's cult. Because Tylee, as I said, she was 16 by the time of her stepfather's murder, and her statements to the police were inconsistent at best.

But Tylee also seemed like a good kid. Everyone who talked about her said that she had a very good nature, good heart. So it is possible that she was starting to feel some guilt about any potential involvement in her stepfather's death, no matter how small. And Chad and Lori may have been getting nervous. There's two things here. One was that Tylee and Lori's relationship did start to tatter.

Tylee was starting to exhibit the symptoms of any teenager, which they were starting to become maybe not that into everything that's going on. They also get emotional when their father's murdered. They get really... Stepfather, please. Super, super crying about it.

But Tylee, I do believe, was starting to maybe ask questions. And also, I think, too, it's more so that she was just doing normal changes. Yeah. Lori was watching this and they use these as examples. Same thing with JJ is that when they take this important part of his life away, JJ also begins to act out.

which is making Lori angrier and angrier and angrier. If you see several statements that she makes throughout all of the different statements that she's made about how she says, I raised JJ for quote unquote his whole life and I did everything that he needed. And when she says that, she means she was burdened by having to take care of someone that was, that needed more than extra help. And she resented JJ and wanted him gone. Yeah.

But speaking of J.J., remember, he was severely autistic. One of his symptoms was a habit of parroting things he heard people say. He'd say it over and over again. And you never knew what J.J. was going to pick up. So it's very possible that J.J. was starting to repeat things that could have been incriminating to both Chad and Lori.

But Chad and Lori couldn't very well just murder Lori's kids to protect themselves or murder them to be completely free of obligation because selfish motives like that wouldn't fit with the fantasy world they built. They're too good. They're too pure. Instead, Chad and Lori needed to write the story and lay the groundwork. Before long, Chad had declared that both Tylee and JJ had become infected by demonic slugs just like everyone else.

you know, say nothing and you have a chance of getting off. Yeah. Like, don't just sit there and write a bunch of shit like these two people are slugs and then kill them. Yeah. Because then that's,

incriminating. They can't help themselves. Well, all of this is supposed to lead towards the end of the world. And in the end of the world, texting is going to be super expensive. Did they really believe in the end of the world? Yes. You think so? I think that... Because I think they're full of shit. I have a couple of theories. I have a couple of theories. And we'll get to those next episode, I'm guessing. Maybe. All right.

Now, just weeks after Charles' murder, Chad sent Lori a text saying that he had been instructed, I suppose by his spiritual voice, to focus all... You gotta take care of Ted! You gotta take care of Hillary! I'm in town, bro! You can't do that until I say it. Sir, you're right. To focus all his efforts on Hillary. Shit!

Hillary isn't a name we've heard just yet, which is why your joke didn't make any fucking sense. I thought it was Joseph Fretzel. It is. But in Chad and Lori's world, Hillary was the demon that had supposedly possessed Tylee, just as Nick Schneider had possessed Charles. Just a few days after that, Lori texted Chad and told him that he needed to check Tylee's light dark levels because Tylee was not acting like herself. And Lori was worried that her daughter had been switched with a demon.

Playing along, Chad texted back, confirming that Tylee had indeed been switched. Yeah, my owl is super angry with Tylee. My owl wants to do everything bad, and I know that I have to keep the peace between the world and my precious owl. That's right. You want to find me and my owl will be at Hooters.

The home of all owls. Precious. The precious palace of owls. The murder of the children, however, had to wait because Laurie had more pressing matters to attend to.

Now that Charles Vallow was dead, Laurie was finally free to move to Rexburg to be with Chad. Every girl's dream. Every girl's dream. I'm going to move to Rexburg, Idaho. Mr. and Mrs. Chad Daybell. Although Chad was still very much married to Tammy. But Tammy's days were also numbered.

See, once Lori moved to Rexburg, the other faithful followed, including her niece, Melanie Boudreau, and podcaster Melanie Gipp. Most importantly, though, Lori was joined in Rexburg by her psychopathic brother, Alex.

Alex. Concerning Alex, Chad told Lori that they would continue using him as the hitman in their divine mission. And very soon, Alex was going to have more work to do. According to Chad, Tammy was now possessed by a demon named Viola. And as a result, Tammy was very close to reaching her so-called death percentage, meaning Chad was very close to giving their holy hitman another job.

Now, you might remember me saying that Chad and Lori claimed that there were only 20,000 zombies in the whole world. And you might say it's a bit of a coincidence that such a relatively large percentage of those 20,000 zombies happen to be popping up in Chad and Lori's immediate vicinity. You could say that. This seeming coincidence, however, fell right in line with fringe Mormon beliefs. According to people who believe in Mormon magical powers, those who are blessed with spiritual gifts are the ones most in danger of being tricked and tormented by Satan.

So in Chad and Laurie's world, it made total sense that two beings as powerful as them would be inundated with dark spirits. Also, the one thing that we're not really tracking here, but it did happen, was that Chad was brought in to Tom Harrison's office.

These guys spoke to Julie Rose, spoke with Tom Harrison. These guys during this time period were getting the green light to go ahead with their fringe beliefs from within the Mormon church. And this is where I start to think that the reason why there was a whole side plot of this that you can't really we don't really know. But apparently when he arrived in Rexburg, part of what Chad wanted to be was the bishop of Rexburg.

He wanted to go and be in charge of that Mormon temple. And there was a portion, there was actually some talk that he could have gotten an official position. And when he didn't get it, that's a part of why they started going this alternative route. Because what Chad was trying to do was become an actual high-powered member of the Mormon church and flip it from the inside. Because he was a sleeper cell for Tom Harrison. There's like a whole thing here that this is all just the side benefits. Okay.

of him having been getting, he got the fucking tap from the Lord Michaels of Mormonism. So the Mormons did something right by not making a bishop. No, well, that one chapter did, but Tom Harrison was fueling all of this.

Ironically, though, the person I heard this powerful people attract dark spirits argument from was near-death experience author Julie Rowe, who talked about the concept on the Netflix series about Chad and Lori. Julie Rowe, however, was using this argument as justification as to why Chad and Lori were involved with four murders.

Because in Julie Rose's estimation, Chad and Lori were tricked by Satan into going down the wrong path when they began killing people. Everything before that, totally fine. But no matter how involved Satan was or wasn't, both of Lori's children and Chad's wife Tammy would all be dead and buried soon after Lori moved to Rexburg.

And it's with those murders and the media firestorm that followed that we'll conclude our series on Chad Daybell and Lori Vallow next week. Man, I am loving this, but I am ready for us to be dumb talking about these. We will.

It's fascinating. I mean, the last episode is arguably the wildest fucking ride of all. Yes, because now we go straight to hell. Thankfully, they got caught, so we know everything that they did. But yeah, I hate them. Yeah. And Daybell is...

I mean, well, I guess we'll save it for the next one. Yeah. No, he's in jail. They're all in jail. Lori Vallow's just up. And I just want you to remember, so tonight, Dateline is coming out with this interview with Keith Morrison and Lori Vallow. And if you ever, which she's not going to do, she's not going to look well in. But if you even for a second think, for a second,

that Lori Vallow could be innocent. I ask you to go and listen to the prison phone calls between Lori Vallow and her sister and Lori Vallow and Colby Ryan. And you will hear who the real Lori Vallow is. And you must know that this woman is a stone cold psychopath. Mm-hmm.

If you want to see all of the visual jokes that Henry tried to translate into an audio medium. This is a part of my, I am the new juice. You can go. You forgot the air quotes on visual jokes. Oh yes, the air quotes. Visual jokes. Go to patreon.com slash last podcast on the left to see video episodes of every single podcast that we do. You can also watch Side Stories for free.

free on YouTube. And you can follow us also for free on the socials at LP on the left, TikTok and Instagram. And also for free, go to twitch.tv slash LPN TV to watch all of our streams. But if you want to watch last stream on the left live, that's every Tuesday at 6 p.m. You can only watch it live if you're a Patreon member. But the barrier to entry on that

is very low. Oh, it's super low. You got to come and see it. And come see us on tour in all of these wonderful cities. That's right. We're at the Ryman in one week today at March 14th. And then Henry and I are going to go down to Huntsville and we're going to the VB Center, the Von Braun Center. Did you know it's named after Werner Von Braun? Yeah, that's how it's forming. It's in Huntsville.

Oh my God. It looks like Eddie and I are going to be bringing our lederhosen. March 16th, Sunday, we're going to be there. It's going to be a lot of fun. We're doing side stories live. Before we end today, I wanted to present a special gift to Marcus so that he can know what's happening and how...

What we're going to do to take over Contact in the Desert this year and take back the narrative. Oh, that's a great idea. That's so nice of you, Henry. What do you got there? You got a... Oh, okay. First of all, I will don the cap of the sacred...

Warrior of truth, Michael Sedona. And I will present to you... He's wearing a green leprechaun hat. Yes, yeah. One of our... I think his hat is actually nicer than yours. I hate to be that guy. Yeah, his hat is much nicer. And I know you've been doing podcasts for many years, but when you don't talk into the microphone, no one knows what you're doing. Yeah, they really can't hear you at all. What is this? And I'd like to present to you, Marcus, the most accurate...

effigy of the World Trade Center. I've seen it. We have here all the grounds. Yeah, I see it. We have all of this. You can't see it if you're listening, but it is an actual paper mache model of the Twin Towers. And you shall receive. We did. We asked for this and they sent it in and this is the effigy we will be burning live. Wow, it's even got Building 7. We are going to blow this up.

on our live show of Contact in the Desert to show you how invisible space juice caused 9-11. And it's a long story. It's a long story. Strap in, buy your tickets at contactinthedesert.com, I believe. Yes. And thank you, Hank. Hank, thank you.

Thank you, Hank. Oh, my God. For this extremely wonderful. I'm almost crying. Being a native New Yorker, it almost makes me want to cry. It's fantastic. It's absolutely fantastic. But thank you so much. And hail Satan. And I also want to say hail Saudi Arabia for the reason of the season.

Hail Gein. And hail Hank. You did it, buddy. Good work. This is beautiful. God, if we don't burn it, I'm using it as my centerpiece for Thanksgiving. Hit one is slightly taller. Yeah. That's really accurate. Yeah.

It is missing the antenna, though. It got kind of, got a little squished in there. Yeah, yeah. You can send us an antenna. We'd really appreciate it. That'd be great. It might be attached somewhere. Maybe a wire between the two and a little German man. I have to go home. Bye. Bye.

Hello, Florida. Your favorite son and biggest baby are coming home to bring you the laughs you deserve. Everyone likes to poke fun of the Florida man. Everyone likes to use Florida as a punching bag. Whenever an alligator on meth eats an old person, it can happen anywhere.

As a famous Floridian baby, I feel your pain. So that's why I'm coming home to let you know it's okay to be who you are. It's okay that the rest of America is scared of us. It's okay that books are illegal in our schools. It's okay whenever it gets cold, it rains iguanas. I'm here

to support you. So come on out. March, I'll be in North Florida, and in May, I'll be in South Florida and Orlando. It's the Invasive Species Tour. Ed Larson, me, is coming to Florida in March and May. I'm coming to Jacksonville, Panama City, Tallahassee, Marco Island, Dania,

Beach, Orlando, and Key West. So lock up your public subs and start singing the Miami Dolphins fight song because we're going to party like it's Florida, baby. Tickets at eddytoons.com.

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