Side Stories: Back in Schabusiness
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On April 18th, Sinners are coming. From Oscar-nominated filmmaker Ryan Coogler, director of Black Panther and Creed, starring Michael B. Jordan, comes the motion picture event of the year. Twin brothers Smoke and Stack, both played by Michael B. Jordan, return to their hometown for a fresh start

Only to discover that an unspeakable evil is waiting to welcome them back. Don't miss the genre-bending thrill ride shot with IMAX film cameras. Sinners arrives only in theaters on April 18th. Rated R. Under 17, not admitted without parent. Oh, Apartments.com. That's right. I go to Apartments.com. I got where I'm currently living on Apartments.com. That's not even a lie. That is a fact. It is.

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There's no place to escape to. This is the Lost Podcast. On the left. Side stories? That's when the cannibalism started. Side stories. Yes. Oh, shit! Yes!

You sent me this list of the top 10 states that would be safe during an alien invasion. Yes. Which, do you believe it? No. You don't believe it? That's fun. I like that. You guys should do something with that. He sent this to me. He sent this to me and it says the number one state is Virginia. Virginia. It's all based upon terrain, population density, how many first responders and engineers there are. But I don't understand. That's where Quantico is.

Quantico? Would they be available to fight them? They're the baby cops. They're baby feds. Oh, yeah. So I don't know if they're ready to take on the alien invasion yet. Well, they're expendable. We're also not talking about... Send them out there. Well, I don't understand. We're not talking about all the liquid gas sitting under Virginia. That's West Virginia. It's all the same.

You keep going West. West Virginia's not on the list. No, I'll tell you that much. Because that place is just, they're considering that a write-off. It's just Virginia, Alabama, and then it says Massachusetts, which I find even more improbable. Why? You think Massachusetts is very susceptible to getting attacked by aliens? I don't think that they understand that if the attack comes by aliens, the way to go is the less population dense. I think that's the flip. I feel like everything here is the flip. I feel like it should be Montana. Yeah.

is where you want to be. Don't you think more people are going to help you defend yourself? No, because the aliens are going to win. If they're biological, I've been saying this and yelling this from the rooftops, if they're biological and if they've arrived here in a ship, we are all

the entire amount of us is entirely screwed. Well, if it comes down to bar fights, Boston would be a great place to take them. Ah, but that's if you get them drunk first and first you have to ingratiate them with a bunch of semi-annoying Boston women because that's what will wear them down. Yeah. You got to get them in there, wear them down, talk to them about the Bruins.

Get up in their face talking about all sorts of playoffs. Talking about like, oh, you know, give me a guy from the Red Sox. Big Papi. Big Papi. What's he doing? I don't know. He got shot in the Dominican Republic. This is what I'm saying. But they flew him back. Now the aliens are distracted. We're talking about sports. Yeah. That's how you get them. But that's different. That's Boston. It's great for that then. This is the second layer. And then New York, Minnesota, Florida.

I mean, Florida sort of makes sense because they're going to survive no matter what. Yeah, and I bet their spaceships get caught in the swamps. I mean, I know because they're transmedium. What's that mean? They go between water and mud and air, so it doesn't matter. They don't get stuck at all. I mean, I don't know. I mean, stuck, I mean...

The Everglades is very different than like... They're transmedium. It's just dirt. It's just mud, Eddie. They're coming from fucking... From space. They're coming from Pleiadians. The Pleiadian star system. Yeah, they're going to rip through the swamp. It's bigger than swamps. Do they have mud? All of Europa's a swamp. We don't know if they have mud. They do. They absolutely have mud. The Pleiadians? The...

Welcome to Side Stories. You're sitting here with Henry Sprowski and Ed Larson, the Palladiums. He's learning. He's learning. I think that's pretty good. Wisconsin, also very safe. See, Wisconsin I buy. Center of the United States of America. Also hammered. You know, again, I think that if you really, in my mind, I would change this all to the Dakotas because it's the least amount of humans there. That is what they're going to be looking for if they're here to kill us all. But you're wrong, though. They're looking for the people. I'm incorrect. Okay.

I'm correct. According to gigacalculator.com. Gigacalculator.com. Gigasuckmydick.com. Whoa. Now we're past the intro. Alaska. So now I can say suck balls, fuck shit. But, Heine, suck testicles. Thank you. Poop. What? I'm just trying to keep us on the level here. Thank you. Alaska? Well, let me ask them.

Yeah, Alaska sounds fine. It doesn't fucking matter. All right. It's all just a dead end. It's not going to happen if they arrive here. I just want to just by the only reason why I'm even referencing the list is that if they arrive here, if we can see them and they're talking to the president, we're fucked.

So just remember that. You're not safe anywhere. I mean, they're not talking to the president first. They're talking to a general first. Who knows? Who knows? I actually think that they're talking to... Rubio, probably. Unfortunately, right now, they're talking to some lady in Tina in the back skirts of fucking Maryland right now. That's who they're talking to.

And so we'll find out. I'm just saying, don't be prepared. Don't think your state is any safer from an alien invasion because it's not. They're lying to you. What about the picture here? The aliens of Pex. They are. It is a... That's a ripped alien. To be honest, they don't have creatine. Yeah.

They've never once... I don't know why they do this. Every picture of aliens does show them have musculature. If it is actually closer to what we've talked about with greys, they're childlike. They're so thin. They're very thin. They're so thin. So in shape. Very. They're little chamelés. Little thin little hips. The alien... I feel like alien sightings are on the rise. Oh, very much so. There was one in Naples recently I saw. There's many. I mean...

My week this week, I'm doing, for those of you that don't know, last night, and it's going to be out on YouTube this week, we do our stream. Last stream on the left, I do my UFO mandate. It's a big week for new shapes. Did you see the stuff that was spotted off the cruise ship? Oh, yes. That was wild. Are you talking about the one that jetted into the water with no splash? Yes, I am. I thought you were talking about the girlfriend of the faster pussycat guy that she jumped off the cruise into the water.

No, no, that's really very sad. I actually got an extremely sad message about that from people that worked with Faster Pussycat and said that they legitimately, she jumped off the cruise ship after they had a fight and then the rest of the band had to go and continue to play.

faster pussycat songs. The show doesn't always have to go on. The lead singer sequestered himself into his room for the rest of the weekend while the band, which is also, I want to honestly, big ups to the rest of the band. Did they sing for him? I guess. Who sang? I don't know. I feel like at that point they know all the songs. By the way,

First of all, I've never even heard of this band. No, me neither. I'm sure they're fine. I think it's like a speed metal. Do you know them, Rob? Do you know who Faster Pussycat is? From the jewelry on the man, I can tell it's some form of old school, big, it's like rock. Yeah, fast rock. Yeah, rock guys. Yeah. So, you know.

Don't go on a cruise. Hey, you should go on a cruise. Go to crimewaveatsea.com. Slash last. Thank you. Slash last. That is where we will be doing live. We have a couple other cruise stories today that we're going to cover, but you're going to come and see us. Come push us off the edge of a boat. Don't you want to? Come on. Come on. Let's see what you got, you pussy. Come on. I dare you. I dare you, fuckers. No. I fucking dare you. You can't get me, dude. I got my floaties on all week. I've been working on my back.

What are you doing to it? Getting fucked in the ass. Hell yeah, that's so cool. Congratulations, man. I wish I was there. I'll show you. I have videotapes. Old school. That's what I like. Old school videotapes. It doesn't go directly to the internet. First, it's got to go through your grandfather's casket. Oh.

You gotta find your old cowboy friend. Oh yeah, that's where he is. I wanted to do today a little bit of an update. For those of you that obviously have listened to us over the years, you know that we covered Chad Daybell and Lori Vallow, two of the very tops of her tits. We covered that case so thoroughly. And now Lori Vallow is on trial again. This time, finally, she's being prosecuted for the actual murder of

Her ex-husband, dead ex-husband, Charles Vallow. Yes. Charles Vallow. And so this story... She's already been convicted for the kids. The kids, she's already been... She's gone away for... She is in jail for life. She's not getting out of jail. No matter what. Not... No matter what. Lori Vallow has decided in this trial, probably her most...

Defensible trial. Because everybody's dead that was involved. Alex Cox that shot Charles Vallow was dead. Tylee, her daughter, is dead that would have been a witness. JJ, a witness, is dead. Anybody that was attached to this... What about the other chick who helped steal the car? Melanie Gibb? Yeah. Melanie Gibb is currently starting her own series of griftership on top of all...

all of this. Her husband's another Mormon dignitary. She's involved in this. Oh, very much so. Melanie Gibb needs to be in jail too. We'll get there someday. Maybe someday somebody will get her for something. But she's an evil person. She stole his car! Oh yes, no, she's a bad person. But Lori Vallow is representing herself, and there is I watched the first day of trial because, why not? And I you know what I learned? Is

is that for a criminal trial, it's super useful to be a lawyer. Yes. It's like crazy useful to know how court works and how to be a lawyer if you're going to be a lawyer. Because Lori Vallow's opening statements were about eight minutes long. Is that good or bad? I don't even know. I don't quite know. I think they're good if they're good.

but these were bad. And she said the same thing over and over and over again, smiling a lot, doing her flirty thing. She's known and not yet. She was asking for more during jury selection. She specifically was asking for more male jurors because she was better with them. She was, she likes men more than women. Uh,

And she was doing, she does like a little flirty thing. She does about eight minutes in which she says the evidence will show about 150 times. She is a horrible, horrible to listen to terrible woman getting torn apart by the prosecutor. And then you watch the prosecutor nail her to a fucking cross for 45 minutes. The prosecutor comes out just dripping with the, the,

total, just utter contempt for Lori Vallow, which I'm so happy to see. It's just... If the prosecutor loses, they should be fired. The only issue is that this is the hardest trial of all of them. It is the most circumstantial evidence of all of them. We have... You have to really believe one side of the story versus the other side of the story is

But thankfully on the prosecution side, they have the body cam footage of Charles Vallow talking about all of the like, you know, he's scared of her. He's scared of her. She's trying to kill me days before. Yes. And then you have Lori Vallow's body cam footage where she's acting all super funny and laughy about everything. Then you have the the Tylee footage where you have her repeating puppet fashion, the same story that Lori Vallow said. And so I think that's what's going to hang her up. But you never know. Sometimes juries are weird.

Juries are really weird. They could just decide. And this is in Arizona, right? This is in Arizona, which is also not a...

Super great place to have one of these. So she gets to go on vacation, because she's in prison in Idaho. So she gets to go down to Arizona and do this. She's on vacation right now in Arizona, technically. But she says she really misses the Idaho jail. She says the Idaho jail, she was having a lot more fun. She has a girl group there that she hangs out with. What do they sing? I think it's SWV. Yes. And I think that they're, which are great. We love that song. I don't get it.

So weak in the knees, I can hardly speak. You know, that's what they're doing while they're scissoring each other. And it's kind of nice. But she fingernails. Oh, God, you gotta be careful with those. I've seen real lesbians and they don't normally have those big talents. If I was in prison for life, no matter what.

I'd represent myself. Well, yeah, she has nothing but time. It's entertaining at least. But to you, I will say the immortal words, the person who represents himself in court has a fool for a client. Yeah. Because you should know. But it doesn't matter.

You know, it's funny because I think in the end, you'd be surprised what matters once you're already in jail. Yeah. Because then I think you're like, this is very much... If she's convicted in Arizona, does she have to go serve in Arizona? If she lives through her three consecutive life sentences in Idaho. Okay. So if she lives through those three, if she lives about 375 more years...

In Idaho, she can go live and serve that time. Well, according to her beliefs, she will. Oh, well, we're waiting. We're waiting, Lori. Nothing. Honestly, it will take this for me to believe in you. You will have to physically disappear in the middle of court. And God himself or herself, Alanis Morissette. If it's Alanis Morissette. Or it's just a bunch of goo. God's a bunch of goo. Yeah. Yes.

Yeah. If God exists, it's just like, yeah. Oh, it's just goop. Yeah, it's just shit and slime. Or it's Alanis Morissette, and she's got a really good opportunity here to arrive at trial pretending to be God. I bet you we pop a wire on her talking to Lori Vallow. That'd be ironic. This is all. Wouldn't you think?

Now, can I ask you another question about this? So, her and Chad Daybell, both convicted for murdering the kids. Yes. Why is Chad Daybell get the death penalty and she didn't? Because of the... I believe the...

Because he's a man? I don't know, honestly. I forget why. Did he actually do it or something? You have to choose. It's like there's a thing that you do at the top of trial where you decide that death sentences will be on the fucking docket. Were they tried together or separately? Separately. Oh, so maybe that's it. He received the death penalty for the murders of his first wife and his second wife's two children, Lori Vallow. It was due to the judge's ruling, the state's late disclosure of evidence.

evidence precluded the death penalty in her case. So it was a technical fuck up, which is the reason why he also has a third kill. Yes. But now she might have a third kill. Yeah. And this is, but again, it's Alex Cox, but we do know that there is a chain of evidence that shows they had premeditated it. And Alex Cox was there ahead of time preparing for it. Um,

The other two knew, Charles Vallow and Adam Cox. He was shot execution style on the ground. He got double tapped. Yeah. Yes. You'd have to be, again, you'd have to be very stupid or malicious to probably not agree with the evidence, but that's not discounting a jury of your peers. Yeah. Because if Lori Vallow is one of your peers, then that means categorically, statistically, someone on there might be a homicidal maniac in waiting. Yeah.

But again, it's just important to remember that Lori Vallow is not a lawyer. She is a homicidal maniac, and it's showing in her defense style. Maybe that's just her style. How much of this are you going to watch? All of it. Really? Oh yeah, I love it. Where do you get the time? It's all night.

You don't sleep, huh? I watch it in the shitter. You watch it in the shitter? Yeah, live on YouTube on my knees in my shitter. You shit on your knees? No, I mean, no, the phone's on my knees. My ass is shitting on the toilet. I'm looking at it on my knees like television. Look, it's live right now. We can watch it right now. There's 10K people watching nothing. Dude. And it's just the stream. I'm going to do this. Should we live stream this once? We should do this once. Why not? So we can have me go through it. Yeah, it's fun to do. People like it. I love court. Yeah.

I didn't know. It's weird. I love court. I got out of jury duty this week. I didn't even have to do anything. I just called and they're like, you're good. Yeah, they just hear the sound of your voice and they're like, I didn't even get to talk. No thanks, sir. I shouldn't be there. They don't want me talking about it on the show. At the same time, though, if you're there, it's really great. It's good advertising amongst the jury pool.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Because then you could get all them listening. Last podcast. Oh, man. Dude, when I was in Tallahassee recently for the show, I was like, I was doing, every time I saw someone, I was like, gave him a joint. And I was just like, listen to the last podcast in a while. Fuck yeah. That's what I'm fucking talking about, by the way.

That's old-fashioned. Fucking grassroots marketing. It works. All right. Let's get into some other stories. Now, I know that we have, is that the only update that we had? Oh, no. We have the man who can live without food. We asked last time, how long can a fat fuck live on just his body? Apparently a while. It can. Angus Burberry.

He's a Scottish man. He fasted for 382 days. Over a year. Yep. Going from 456 pounds to a slight 180 pounds. I believe that's just stick stone. That's just stick stone. And he did a great job and he looks fantastic. He lived off of water, tea, coffee, vitamins, and yeast extract, which I think is code for the fine, fine pussy of the ladies in the hills of Scotland. Yeast. Yay.

Yeah. Well, you know what you gotta do. Live from Northland. On April 18th, Sinners are coming. From Oscar-nominated filmmaker Ryan Coogler, director of Black Panther and Creed, starring Michael B. Jordan, comes the motion picture event of the year. Twin brothers Smoke and Stack, both played by Michael B. Jordan, return to their hometown for a fresh start on

Only to discover that an unspeakable evil is waiting to welcome them back. Don't miss the genre-bending thrill ride shot with IMAX film cameras. Sinners arrives only in theaters on April 18th. Rated R. Under 17, not admitted without parent. Do you plan your vacation locations based on the local language? With Babbel, language no longer has to be the barrier.

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Oh, and we got police overtime's a problem. Well, no, that was the whole thing. Because we were talking about the New Jersey cop who was pranking everybody. And everyone was like, yeah, of course they got mad when the overtime was getting ganked because I already knew this, though. People were getting furious because all of a cop's pension is based upon the overtime payments in the last couple years and the payments that you make in the last couple years of your time. And then they take that amount of money and then they protract that onto your pension. So that's why my dad, right before you retired, was working like $100.

20 hours a week. It's always good to overwork the oldest. I mean, you know, they're always, but at least my dad was at a desk job. Yeah. You know, so at least there was that. He just did that accident investigation so he didn't have to go chase after terrorists. It's not like they got guns or anything. No, no, no. My dad was mostly just using that guns to sort of like open up doors. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's another court case, if you want to stay in the world of court. Well, this lady. It might be none of our show business, but it is our show business, Mr. Larson. Because this lady, you know, we've covered her maybe in fits and spurts, maybe not entirely, you know. But this lady is...

The People picture. Can you pull up the People article real quick, Rob? She is a... You know what I'm going to call her? She's a pip. Yeah. She's a pip. She's a real character. Now, this is a lady by the name of, and you know her, you love her, Taylor Shabizness. She murdered her... Yeah, she is so evil looking, man. This picture, she's like, look at... This is moments before she attacks this guy. And it's just like him... Her like...

blatantly about to attack this man. And then him, just like, he looks so defeated. You've got to watch the video. It's the opposite. He's such a, this motherfucker's a real G. We're going to get into all this. So Taylor's Your Business murdered Shad Therion, 24 years old. This is in 2022. This came after a night of them smoking methamphetamine. And I guess, which I did not know you could do, is melt down and inject the sleeping aid Trazodone.

What do you think gives you good middle ground?

Yeah, it brings you back to zero. It just gives you back to zero. So everybody was fine. And so in this murder, they said that they had already experimented with autoerotic asphyxiation. She decided to do it with chains, and she was having a really good time with it to the point where she saw blood come out of his mouth, and she had killed him with her bare hands. Then she fellated his dead corpse. Then she desecrated his dead corpse by playing with his butthole, stuffing himself up.

his butthole, then she chopped off his head. With a butter knife. Oh, yes. Oh, no, with a bread knife. She's a real determined lady. Tailorship business is a career wanting to be murderer. She is someone that grew up, you know, remember those little commercials from our kids? She's wrong. She's made incorrectly. But you know how, like,

they said no one grows up wanting to be a junkie? Yeah. She did. Like, this is a lady that saw the commercial and was like, yeah, I love, I want, yeah, fried egg, yes. That's me. I'm the fried egg. And so, Taylor's Your Business is such a devious looking woman. Now, this is, so, she's been put in jail for life. She's 27? Yeah, buddy. Oh, she's... She looks 48. She's an intense lady. She's had a lot of life, Eddie. She's 27? She's lived a lot of life. Oh,

Oh my God. Her shabizness was living and shabizness was good. And Taylor Shabizness now in jail is more dangerous than ever. She's out of shabizness now. Well, no. Oh, buddy. She put herself right back into shabizness because she was- This is the first lawyer. Now, the first lawyer, she attacked a lawyer, her first defense lawyer-

during a hearing that then were involved in her having, she had to put a bag over her face. She sat there. So she's already attacked one lawyer. This is during her sentencing for the first crime. Yeah. So now she's in jail for a, for life with no parole. Then in jail, she gets into an altercation with a prisoner.

She gets cut. A nurse has to go and deal with Taylor Bishop. She's got to take a staple out of her face. She's got to do something to her, right? Was it a staple? Yeah, she had a staple. Well, from the wound. The scar. Yeah, because they closed up the scar from the prison attack. And then she had a staple in her face that the nurse had to remove. And then she attacked the nurse. So the nurse comes in. She attacks the nurse. They then call in the prison guard. Prison guard comes in. She attacks.

the prison guard with a pan, a bedpan, and also full-on fight. Takes several dudes to pin her down to the ground. She's fucking, now she's in trouble again. She doesn't care. How could she be in trouble? She's in prison for life. That's just what we're talking about with Lori. They just add to it. They just add to the end of it. Add to what?

They just fucking put you back into the system because the goal is they have to get you for each crime and they got to give you opportunities. It's how it fucking works. So now she is going to be put on trial for assault, right? So now she's on assault in jail.

Her most recent hearing to figure out all of this disappearances, she attacks her lawyer again. Now, this... Different lawyer. Different lawyer. New lawyer. Brand new lawyer. Now, this is a person by the name of Curtis Jolka. Curtis Jolka is one of these guys. He looks like...

You know when your lawyer also sort of looks like a criminal? Like, he looks like John Fetterman. He's the guy who would take it. Yes, he looks like a guy, you know, like, so he kind of looks like a guy, like, how do you put it? Even her lawyer looks like a shaved orangutan in a suit. He looks like a sad potato man. But, see, I kind of like this. Like, he looks to me like the guy, funny enough, how do I say it? He's like the Joker's lawyer. Yeah. Like, he looks like a

Arkham Asylum's like home defendant. Yeah, a disgraced cop who can't be a cop anymore so he becomes a lawyer. But sometimes these guys, you know, we hear at Last Podcast on the Left are not anti-defense attorney. No! I think defense attorneys are extremely important. I'm very pro-defense attorney. And this guy is tech

technically who I'm calling. If I ever have a problem, I am calling this man because of this reaction. So they are sitting in the beginning of the sentencing. Tailorship business is brought in. She's got a bit of a mischievous glint in her eye.

Now, it seems to be maybe everybody knows that there's something going on. We don't know whether or not she has made threats to this lawyer ahead of time, but it seems that she really likes the attention. So in this video, she sat down. So let's play it now. He for sure looks like he's waiting to be attacked. Well, he I don't think he knows because you'll see the reaction. I mean, he knows she attacked her last lawyer. So she clocks him. Right. You see here. She looks into the camera.

Boom! So as she gets up... She barely touched him. Well, only because the motherfucker behind him... Look at this fucking offensive lineman push. That dude, the security officer behind her needs to get offensive lineman of the year. I'm sure he was. That dude is huge. And he is... Like, he's in a three-point stance. Like, right behind her. Because as she gets up to get him...

He fucking shoulders in her tits. I mean, he's just waiting for her. Yeah, boom, gets her down. He's probably keyed in the entire trial waiting for this exact moment. But look at this reaction, Eddie. Curtis Juka. Now he does this. Curtis Juka turns to the fucking prosecutor and just does the, why me worry? What are you going to do? Yeah, what are you going to do? I don't think if I can do these business, she's crazy. Right, she's crazy. You don't want to sit over here, do you? This guy is such a...

Hardcore motherfucker. He barely flinched. He definitely looks like someone who's taken a beating or two. He looks like, I think he's given a beating or two. Well, I think so. It doesn't mean, if he's given them, that he hasn't taken them. But look at this. This is a, I just, I'm proud of this lawyer. But that lady, the key about tailorship business is that she clocks the camera before she attacks him. She wants this.

attention. Well, yeah, because she's trying to get off for being crazy. But the thing is that it constantly backfires on her because then they do... They have done several competency runs on her. Yeah. They did it during the OG trial because they're all like... You know, she's saying when she confessed, her confessions are chilling too because it was all like... She thought it was hot. She thought the whole thing was awesome. She got sexually excited by the entire fucking arrangement. So she is... I think, you know what...

A lot of us talk about living our best lives. Yeah. And she actually is. This is what she's always wanted. Yeah, this is what she's always wanted. Yeah, but she's pleading not guilty by insanity. Yeah, because she has to. But yeah, so I think she's just keeping it up at this point. You know, you'd say that. I think that it's the glint in her eye shows me that she has an idea that it's very entertaining to her. She's definitely very...

villainous person. Yes. She's an evil person that needs to be in jail. The world's better without her on the street. She has to be in jail. I want most prisoners out of jail. Not her. Because a lot of people, you understand the insanity plea largely is... No one ever gets it. It's almost impossible unless you truly are

And I mean this in the gentlest way possible, a babbling, crazy person. You have to be Richard Chase. That is as far as it goes. And then guess what? Did you get it? I believe he would know, but I believe they found him guilty, but he still went into a home for the mentally like the criminally insane. Same thing with that. I watched JCS. One of my favorite true crime channels is back.

They did a thing where a guy that was at a house flipper reality show fucking brutally murdered his wife who didn't want to be on the show anymore. And you see this guy, it's like the same thing where he tried to do the insanity plea by faking being crazy and then...

got thrown into a mental asylum for five years, continuing to try to beat the competency rap. And they still said at the end of the five years, they're like, yeah, he's sane. So then he had to be in a house of criminally insane. Then he had to be tried. Then he went to jail. Then he had to go to the fucking maximum security prison for murder in the first degree. Yeah. I don't know. I mean, like if you're running a TV show for so long, you know, he didn't run it. He was just, he wasn't even, he was just the guest builder of the day. He was in one episode. Oh,

Oh, I thought he was the host. But Taylor's your business. I just got to say, leave us alone.

I'm just saying, if you ever get out, I'm sorry. And leave us alone. She ain't getting out. If there's a woman that I believe could tunnel her way out of jail, it's Taylor's Your Business. You think so? I think we need to have a close-ass eye on Taylor's Your Business. I think they do have a close-ass eye on her. They better. I'm really not worried about her getting out. No, but she wants to get out. Yes. I don't think she's very athletic.

Look at what he just did. She got nailed. She got leveled immediately. Only because the guy twice her weight. Yeah, man. He fucked her ass up. She dealt with, she overpowered the prison guard and the jail. This lady's not fucking around. I mean, I'm not trying to fight her. She is not fucking around. Yeah. And there's just something. She's got a glint in her eye. She's got a little flirty little lifter, like a little thing in there.

I don't know what it is about her. All right? She scares me. I mean, she's like, get away from me, all right? Don't fucking look at me like that. She's got makeup on. She looks a little bit younger. Actually, kind of looks older when she's got makeup on. So we got a couple of women that have really caused some trouble this week. You go, girls. Yeah. Woo-hoo. Shaka-con. Shaka, shaka, shaka, shaka-con. Shaka, shaka, shaka, shaka-con. Who's the hockey?

We have our Kentucky teacher or we have our Ohio polygamist. Oh, we have to do our Ohio polygamist. You know, Ohio makes them different. Yeah. Don't they? You know, you have your beautiful wife from Ohio. Oh, yeah. There's lots of decent people in Ohio. But I view your beautiful wife as an escapee from Ohio. Oh, very much so. And she was... I view your wife as errant Ohio DNA. You know what I've realized being in Ohio for so long is that...

The news there, they're lucky Florida exists. Well, they're the new Florida. It is crazy there all the time. And I feel like people don't give Ohio enough credit for how fucking constantly crazy it is. It really is. But you know what's nice about this story is that it's another example of

Sometimes you'd be surprised at the sexual proclivities of some of the grosser people you've ever seen. Because these guys, some of them fuck and suck more than you have ever fucked or sucked.

and your whole life, and they make it work for themselves in their gross little worlds. And honestly, I'm almost jealous. Yeah. Now, we got a lady and her five boyfriends. Oh, wow. Boyfriends is a term for that. I kind of view her as a human. You know those sandwich, was it the snacky cake snowballs? Yeah, snowballs. She's like a human version of a snowball getting fucked by a bunch of rats. Okay. All right. I would say gas station sandwich, but yeah. Yeah.

Martina Jones. I will say, these guys, they are disgusting. They're terrifying. This is my favorite group of miscreants. Lots of different versions of Jesus on meth. But I will say, all these guys, pretty good hair. You know what? I don't disagree. Surprisingly good hair. They could use some biotin.

Now, six people in Ohio. Aaron Bradshaw could use some biotin. But the rest of these guys, I mean, it's luxurious. God gives and he takes away. Can I tell you one thing? Why their hair is so nice? Because he took away some chromosomes? Well, because I'm sure they don't.

And at first, it gets bad, but then it starts getting in the oils and start getting good if you go a really long time without shampooing. And I think that's what happened with these fellas. Never find this out. Now, there are six people in Ohio who are accused of kidnapping a man and torturing him for seven days, including beating him with a metal bat and depriving him of food and water, and even worse, booking him into a Red Room Inn. Oh!

Red Roof. Red Roof, I'm sorry. Yes. I'm sorry. Oh, wow, yeah, definitely a horrible place for you and your plus-size entourage to torture a man. Yes. This would never happen in a Marriott. Not once. Never. I've never seen this at a Kempton. Yes. No.

Never! Never! Now, the group, they tortured this man. Now, the man has gone unnamed. I think he's closer to a boy. He's in his 20s. He's in his 20s. Now, Martina Esqueda, 28 years fun, is the leader of this group of young ruffians that are all thirsty for that punani.

They come with Aaron Bradshaw. I want to say the head security officer with his, the other boyfriend is his son, Austin Bradshaw. It's his son? Oh, yeah. Okay. I couldn't tell, I don't know why I was thinking nephew. No, he taught, daddy taught son how to fuck his girlfriend. Chance Johnston, 27, David Cessna, and

Martina Escada's actual husband, Michael Escada, 28. Now these five men out in the five men in this one lovely lady, they formed a little bit of one might call a fuck patch. Now the thing is I look at them, I don't really understand quite the sexual energy that goes on in there, but at the same time, I, as much as all of this, um,

literally makes my skin crawl and makes me nauseous to the very corner of me imagining it. They all look straight up evil. These guys want to fuck more than anybody's ever fucked and this woman is providing it. So whatever it is, maybe we're missing out. Yeah. So this guy, so apparently there was a fight. David Cessna is the scariest looking one for sure. Oh, yes, yes, yes. He's definitely killed before. No, no.

There was apparently a dog fight in their property. So they have been sharing a property together and there was a dog fight. And Martina and the unnamed kidnapper... I don't think it was a professional dog fight. I don't think it was... Are there any...

I feel like even at their very best, Eddie. I don't think money was being thrown down. I think two dogs got in an argument. The two dogs got into an actual fight. Yeah, I don't think these people are dog fighters. No, I don't think they have the organizational skills to run a dog gambling ring. But I don't think that's what was happening here. No. And so the unnamed kidnappy tried to break up the fight with the dogs.

and got involved with Martina, who then, she apparently, like, he says, it's a he said, she said thing, where he said, oh, we got into this fight and I hurt her. Martina tells her fucking gang of fucking skinny rat fucks

that this guy broke my arm, which it wasn't broken, and then they proceeded to kidnap him and torture him for the next week. So they took him to a room, they beat him with metal baseball bats, they stood him up, they made him do all this kind of shit. They stomped on him a bunch. They stomped on him a bunch. He slept for 10 hours over seven days. Yes. They fed him once a day, and...

It seems, and they made him stand for long periods of time. Which must have been so hard being inside of that comfortable, wonderful Red Roof Inn, just looking at that wonderful bed and incredible mat that you sleep on. And then the weird stool that's there for the child that you've trafficked in. It's such a wonderful place. They beat a man next to death for a week.

And no one noticed. I said anything. That is like, if you want to check out from life, Red Roof Inn, no one's checking in on you there. If you're looking to group torture a man after your professional dog fights, come on down to Red Roof Inn, Toledo. Mow me.

Yeah. Wow. 3.5 stars. Not bad, actually. Yeah, actually, that's not bad. Can we read some of these Yelp reviews of this? It's 2.2 on Yelp. 2.2 on Yelp. Something that could be cooked at, Rob. Something that could be cooked. I want to read some of these reviews. Two stars. Yelp was actually what the man was doing. Yeah, the room is filthy. The front desk is used to it. I'm not sure how a dirty room gets overlooked, but I wasn't offered another one or in a

Yeah. I'm pretty sure this is a hotel that people live in versus one that rents out to people traveling, suspicious drug activity, people sleeping in their cars and the staff being okay with renting out something like this is not okay. Sure. Not smoking is no smoking is a joke.

Cigarette butts on the floor in her room. It smelled like smoke in the hallways. Toilet 12 inches off the floor. You don't like that, Eddie. That's definitely low. Oh, refrigerator made noise all night, and the noise was like, help me, help me, help me. Get me out of here. Escape. Mayday. Mayday. I don't know.

Get me to a little Quinta. But here, though, what's that four-star say? This guy really liked it. When we take road trips, we don't usually plan our overnight stays. If we need to stop for the night, we find a hotel wherever we happen to be. This is usually a straightforward process, but on this particular night, okay, to be precise, it was one in the morning in Maumee, Ohio, just outside of Holyoke. This is a four-paragraph hotel.

I mean, he liked it. Positive rating for this place. Right underneath. I was robbed at knife point by a lady who pretty much lived there. Found this out after meeting her on the bus route. And I'm not from here, I must say, ad. That was probably her. Why did he do the Ed Grimley?

Oh, yeah. Wow, so go check out the Red Roof Inn in Miami, Ohio, and tell them last podcast on the Left Sun Show. Yeah, I think they use the AC units as urinals. I mean, partially just because it's the only thing that keeps the piss cold enough to travel.

And at least with the bed bugs, you're not sleeping alone. Hey, and that's the only thing you can ask for when you're traveling on the road. Especially when you're already getting done pork the five semi-hard penises that have been in your trailer park for the last two years. You've probably known each one of those penises since they were five years old. And now you're letting them all fuck you. But they're calling it a cult. They're saying Martina Jones is the leader.

Which I love. Okay. I mean, it makes sense. Cult leaders make everyone fuck them. They have Manson vibes, kind of. Oh, for sure. It's like a whole bunch of Charles Mansons. Don't do that to them. Don't do that to Charles Manson. Charles Manson kind of had style. You know, even Charles Manson was a pop icon. Yeah. These guys are. And the ladies were cute. Yeah. Ish. Yeah. According to Tarantino. Sure. But Tarantino also, they were an older version of me thought so.

You thought that the... That they were cute. But now as an adult, I don't find them as cute as I did. You said an older version of you. So that's in the future. The younger version. Okay. I was like, so you're going to think they're cute. Eventually I will turn around. Yeah, so that's one story.

What else? All right, so let's go to another story. Yeah, we'll go to our other lady. This is a lady-heavy episode. It is, thank God. I know Women's History Month just ended, but we're here anyway. It doesn't end for us ever. Never. All right.

So this teacher from Kentucky sexually abused a boy and then solicited him to kill her husband. Now, we just really even bring it's not that complicated of a story. No, there's really not much going on. Elena Barden. It didn't work. It wasn't successful. Nope. She tried to get him to go and she had sucked his penis a couple of times and send him a bunch of naughty pictures. Try to get this child to kill her husband. Now,

We know this is all real. This is a thing that's across the United States of America. We've seen this countless times just this year. I'll never really understand it. Obviously, this is one of those women, too, like you can tell immediately she thinks she's way hotter than she is. Oh, yeah. No, she's trying to look sexy in her mugshot. Yes. And there's something about this that I just don't understand. I'll never understand this type of pedophilia. But the one thing, one of the biggest things I don't understand is maybe I'm wrong.

If you're raping a child, he's going to just do this. All right, all right. This is hypotheticals. Yes. Yeah, we're just curious and exploring ideas. And you're a teacher and you're doing this, right? You live in Kentucky. Yes, and your ultimate goal is to have your husband murdered, right? I feel like...

the kids that would be subjected to this style of grooming might not be the great one to be assassins. No. I feel like if you're going to suck dick, to get your husband older. I think assassins should be at least 21. I think that if you are, and this is just advice, that if you're looking to get your husband murdered, that

that you shouldn't rely on a child because they're super flaky. Yes. And then I think that they're not ready to commit. I think that if you wanted someone to murder your husband, you have to shoot for a...

Man just out of prison. Man just about to be let out of prison. Now, that's a super good one. If you're a semi-hot lady and you can gussy yourself up into a bunch of pictures, you can convince an ex-con that is about to get out of jail to murder your husband for you, and they're more likely to do it. Eric Goodwin. Yes. But the thing is, she didn't got no money. She's a teacher in Kentucky.

It's not about money. Then it's not about money. You think the ex-con would just do it? By that point, you've got to get somebody who's at such a thirst point for titties that they'll do anything to see them. They literally will do anything. And that's somebody who's just being released from jail. And why wouldn't she get divorced?

Because it's fucking against God. Yeah. We don't know anything about the husband. No. The husband could be a horrible person. He's just a guy. We don't know. Unless you're absolutely beating the fuck out of somebody and you're putting somebody's life in danger, you don't deserve to get killed. You should just get divorced. It is easier to get divorced. I know that it sucks. I'm not saying kill the husband. No. I'm just trying to find a motive here. The motive is because husbands are bad sometimes at it.

Yeah. But cousins are boring. And they're not as fun and cool as the 14-year-old in your class. 15. Ugh. Ed's counting. Ed's got the calendar out. Besides stories, LPOTL and gmail.com, who are you grooming to kill your husband? Who do you choose? I feel like you're actually also better off with a dog. A direwolf, maybe. Live from your grave.

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Now we know. We talked about this a little bit, a bit of a story, just, you know, science. They have apparently reconstructed the formerly extinct dire wolf. Yes. Which, according to some people, if you look at the actual breakdown of how they did it, it's very similar to Jurassic Park.

where they used the old DNA that they found mixed with dog DNA to make a new dog. And that's why some scientists are saying it's not a dire wolf. It just looks like a dire wolf and might act like a dire wolf. It's part dire wolf. It's part dire wolf. They just created a cooler dog. But they're saying that because it's white...

that's what makes it a dire wolf. But that can also be, it seems like it can be controlled by some form of CRISPR style work that they do on dogs. And so we're seeing this, but everyone's saying... This is the company that made the woolly mouse. Yes. But there's a lot of people that are saying, much like how when we were talking about this right before the show, Eddie brought it up, which is like, maybe we should do some other animals first. Yeah. But

The white rhino is almost extinct. There's only two male or two female or something. I think the only reason why they're doing it... Get a white rhino. Let's keep that thing going. I feel like that they think... Because the problem with scientists is... You know what I learned? You know who taught me this, sadly? Jeffrey Epstein.

Which is that scientists are... I always kind of thought in my head. Scientists and all that stuff. Explain yourself. They're all incorruptible. They're not in it for anything. Which is fine. How were your Jeffrey Epstein meetings? Man, short.

which I'm upset about. But like Jeffrey Epstein taught me that scientists can be purchased. And now what you can do sometimes what you also, sadly, more on the real side of this is that sometimes a scientist has to put together a literal, like flashy package for you to want to give grants and research things to them, which is why they do stuff like, look,

See, everybody, we made the dire wolf. That's like a Game of Thrones. You guys like Game of Thrones? We made Game of Thrones, dog. You guys give money to the Game of Thrones, dog people. Because it's this thing of like, because they're desperate for money, because we are as a country sliding away from research and original research and going more towards winning some fake money.

the technically economical war with other countries to build AI first, which is in the end more of a moral slash future, what does the future hold for humankind issue, which no one wants to talk about yet. Yeah, well, this company, Colossal, also cloned four red wolves, which are critically endangered, so I think that's cool. That's cool. That's fine. I love wolves. I think it's all,

fucking weird. But also I think I get it. I get it up to a point. Yeah. But the thing is, it's just like they're getting all these people to really look at who's the investors here. Tom Brady, Tiger Woods, Paris Hilton, and Peter Jackson. Yeah, it's all just this is how you get

celebrities to be involved. Because it is cool, but I know you were saying bring back the dodo. The dodo would be great because we could eat it. But I still think that we'd just do the same thing that we did in the last one. It's going to turn into, it's just going to end up at fucking Howlin' Rays. Well, that's why I want it. We're going to have hot dodo. That's all we're going to have. We're going to have Nashville hot dodo. That'd be awesome. I'll take it. I'll eat it, yeah. But the dire wolf is a, look, it's a dire wolf. That's what they had. They're going to

And so everyone's just like, yeah, wow, yeah. Oh, wow, that's amazing. Because, again, I just don't think dodos have the same cachet. Make a dragon. Make a fucking dragon. Dragons never existed. Yeah, they did. You're creating a dragon. Dinosaurs were basically the old versions of dragons. That's why we wrote stories about dragons is because some people saw the evidence of these things under the ground. You think that people saw like a pterodactyl's bones and they were like, that's a dragon. That's possible.

Also, I think that there's plesiosaurs that were around for much longer than we thought. I think that there were a giant. That giant is monster, right? Yes. Or is it the ghost of a plesiosaur? They're saying there's one in Michigan now. They're saying a lot of fucking shit. I've heard that. People think they're still around. No, I know. I actually feel like that stuff is very, very interesting in terms of the idea of there being... Because you've ever heard of thiacine? It's a type of dog that was an extinct...

that has been recently spotted again. It's like thylacine. Okay. It was an instinct dog, the Tasmanian wolf. That looks like a Tasmanian tiger. That's exactly what it is. A Tasmanian tiger is what it's called. And they've now been, a couple of them popped

up again oh really they've said they've been on a watch see that's like the cryptid stuff that i find fascinating yeah it's the stuff like well there's so little people around there they could legitimately still be hiding we don't know and so i think that they're you know that's the kind of stuff you ever see that movie willem dafoe where he's like this hunter trying to kill the last one no it's fucking awesome yeah what's it called oh what the fuck is it called but yeah no it's he's trying to kill he's he's evil hunter and he's trying to kill the last tasmanian oh it's called the hunter that's

That's hilarious. It's a great movie. Wow. You should really watch it. So it's about like a poacher? Yeah, no, he's like, he heard of a Tasmanian tiger and then so he's like out trying to kill it.

And then Sam Neill's trying to stop him. He's hired by a biotech company to kill it. I guess it's so they can bring it back and they can reproduce it, right? That's the idea that we'll go and we're doing the same plot. We're just in the fucking plot. I think, you know, because it's weird because I'm going back and forth. Obviously, dire wolves had their chance. They're gone. Yeah. But also, new dog. I think it's cool. I think it's, you know, new dog. I mean, as someone whose dog just died, I love a new dog. Anything that...

expands life is an interesting way to go right now. I think that we are seeing a big die off of a bunch of different types of animals. I think that we are going to very often in the future engineer what we need. I

And I think that this is the beginning of what this is. Eventually, we're going to engineer the animals that we need. If it's healthy, I think it's a good substitute for meat. We don't know what it is. That's the one thing that, to me, I know everybody's immediately like, I don't want to eat bugs. I'm afraid of eating bugs in the future. But at least bugs originated on this planet.

There's a little part of me that's hesitant to eat the fake bio meat because we don't know what it's going to do to us forever. What about a golden doodle? What? Would you eat one?

I don't want to eat dog. No, neither do I. I don't want to eat dog, but I've also heard... But the guy who invented the golden doodle... He's wrong. He's renounced it. He's wrong. He said that he's wrong. Well, I was obsessed with the little... You know, I love my fucked up little dogs. Yeah. Luffy, the paralyzed dog from Dubai. It was my favorite little thing. Oh, yeah. It was bred into paralyzation...

For its little tiny face. It was overbred. To be cute. To become bread. And then... And its legs were malformed because it was made to look so stupid. It is cute. But that's why I love Luffy so much. I am going to... I don't care. I know Luffy's been adopted, but I'm going to Dubai. I'm going to steal Luffy from the family. Oh, this is the new taken. Except it's going to be you as the bad guy. I love Luffy. Luffy deserves to be with me. Luffy.

I want Luffy. No, he doesn't. It's in Dubai. It's built on slave labor. I'll tell you what, man. Crippled dogs, it's a lot of maintenance. Handicapped dogs, please. Oh, you're right. I'm sorry. You fucking cruel fuck. You're going to get sued by the ADLA or whatever it's called. We're going to get sued. Now, yeah, we got this thing. All right, well, let's talk about this one last story before we get to letters because we're going on a cruise, Eddie. Okay, yeah. And we want to bring this up.

Because we're all going to be on this cruise together. I cannot stress enough. Crimewaveatsea.com slash last. If you come out, if you have one vacation a year, we're going to make this a very memorable trip. Yeah. We just had a meeting with the guys that were going through what kind of work we're going to do. We didn't realize how little they had us doing, and we demanded we do more. We're doing a bunch of different activities on this stupid boat. We're going to have so much fun. This is going to be... But...

The reason why I'm going to tell this story is that I feel like one thing before we go, I want to train us all to have some grace for each other on this boat. Okay? Because we're going to be there. We're going to be drunk. We're going to get... I lost my grace. Some form of dysentery. Over the edge? No, my mom's old roommate, Grace, she died. Well, you didn't lose her. You know exactly where she is. She's in the cemetery. Now, this is a... There is a...

So I just want you to be, we have to be very careful with each other on this cruise. Yes. All right. So let's, don't step on any toes. Ooh, good lead way. CEO accused of choking a man and threatening to kill him on a cruise ship over barefoot dancing.

That's right. CEOs have been getting a bad rap, and this isn't helping. So some drunk happy man was dancing around barefoot inside. I will say this was not outside. This was in a nightclub on the cruise ship. And he got close. The guy got close. And the guy's name was Kenneth DiGiorgio. Yes. The CEO. The man. Of First American Financial Corp. Yes. They were on the Resilient Lady show.

His wife, Nicole, was not a resilient lady. No. Oh, that was the name of the ship? Yeah, that's the name of the boat. The resilient lady. Oh, God. That sounds awful. Oh, yeah. It sounds like a woman you don't want to meet at the return desk of a Target. Yes. It sounds like she's a business. She is a resilient lady.

So this guy was dancing barefoot inside of the bar, and he got near his wife. The On the Rocks bar. Now, let me say this to Eddie. It's been a really long time since I've been on a cruise. And so part of this is, wouldn't you say, on a cruise? Well, like, it's probably...

It's more gross for you to not have your shoes on inside of it. Because that's also me. I get skeeved out about not having shoes and socks on. But my question is, is it that out of character within a cruise ship? No. It's island life. Right? Isn't the entire boat island life? Also, by the way, the bar, it's called On the Rocks. I don't want to be thinking about hitting rocks when I'm on a boat.

You know, this is a bad name for a bar. Shipwrecks. Yeah. Going out to Lost at Sea. But yeah, so. Over here, you're going to have that we're all going to rape each other daiquiri. So this guy, unnamed victim here, dancing around, no shoes on. Nicole, the wife, goes up to him and says, quote, look, we're all grownups here. Can you put your shoes on? The victim then started cursing at her and giving her the middle finger. Yeah.

Which is honestly a completely reasonable response. Yeah.

Because his feet was getting close to his wife. I could see why he was getting angry. I hate feet, too. But also, but I will say, never try to stop a man who is dancing with no shoes on because you're going to get the double bird. It is not going to... Every time, actually. No man intoxicated dancing with no shoes on is going to be like, oh, I'm sorry. You might even get the quadruple bird if he knows how to flick you off of his feet. Yeah.

You see the two middle toes stick up? That would make me throw up, by the way. So the victim said that DiGiorgio used a lot of force and it felt like his throat was going to be ripped out. Oh, yeah, it did. Yeah, so this guy is very strong. DiGiorgio, while he was choking him, said, I'm going to fucking kill you. Whoa, I wonder. So that really can't be too misinterpreted, right? DiGiorgio was then ordered confined to his room, which...

shows his privilege because there are jails on these ships. Well, they... I do think that they are... From what I've heard from people, it's layers of approach. Yeah. So you can be put into your... Because you're going to be seeing police officers when you get off the boat. Well, yeah. As soon as they got to Puerto Rico, because Puerto Rico is technically America, the cops took them. Yes. So that does happen. And so...

Apparently what it is is it's levels. You can be sequestered to your room. That's level one. And then I believe if you then try to leave your room, you will go to the brig. Because I think they try to give you the shot because I think that once you're in the brig on the boat, that's a bunch of paperwork that a bunch of people don't want to do. Yeah, they don't want to do that. Because if you're already going to get scooped by the cops anyway and you'll stay in your room. I hate to go back to something we were talking about earlier, but I can't help but notice...

that the boat is called the Resilient Lady, but it's owned by Virgil. Yep, that's a resilient woman. That is a contradicting statement. See, you say this, but I say it's the resilient woman that could possibly, possibly resist the efforts of many, many, many men.

It takes a resilient lady to not get fucked in every hole. Last I heard. The legal team representing DiGiorgio, he's been CEO of this company since February 2022, said he looks forward to being absolved of any wrongdoing. Yes. But he did choke this person in front of everybody. He's going to go. He's going to get some kind of time or he'll get time served. There'll be something there. It's just we have to.

to kind of let you remember that we're all on this boat together. It was in international waters. It was. And so we'll see. But I don't think anybody can be choked anywhere. No.

But it is, I think, if you're going to choke someone, it's better to do it out there than to do it on land. You're completely correct. And that way you are not wrong. But no, I think that this man, we have to allow each other this space. And if you're on there, there's no point in being uptight on a cruise. You're already on a cruise. Because guess what? And I'm...

Let's just be frank. That's not even that fancy of a cruise. No. If this was a super fancy cruise, it'd also be different. Well, that's what also I think kind of what we got going on here is these CEOs, they're used to really fancy, nice things, and then they go on a normal cruise, and then they're around normal people. The rest of us. Who dance around without our shoes on. Yeah, get all hammered and drunk and get all fucking, we're like fun people. You know what? As much as I'm like, oh, you know, come see what it's like, you know what? Stay away. Dude, yeah, fucking go to St. Barton.

I don't fucking need your ass on this boat, man. Go to your fancy shit, dude. This is our only vacation. This is my trash life. This is what I'm doing. You've decided to come into my trash life. This is not your world, bro. Yeah, we're not at the fucking Ritz Carlton, your friend. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You stay the fuck out. First of all, the bar's called On the Rocks. What do you want? Get the fuck out. He's got no shoes on. You're lucky he's got pants on. Yeah, the Giorgio's lawyers. Did you see his dick and ball?

Then don't worry about it. Yeah. They say that he was protecting his wife who felt harassed and threatened and intimidated. And then she said she was in no way in trouble. Ha ha ha ha ha.

So she was fine. Yeah, he never touched her. He was just mad he didn't have shoes on, which is his problem. I mean, it is absolutely his problem. You're on a bar on a cruise. You're going to see feet. You're going to see feet? And I'm with you. I think it's gross too, sir. But there's nothing we can do about it. I'll tell you one dude who's not getting a foot job. Who? The CEO. No.

Unless he buys it. Foot jobs just have to be... I've never had one. It's horrible. I think that the goal would be, honestly, that's a whole special skill set. Oh, yeah. A foot job from somebody who doesn't know what they're doing. I think it just needs patience. I think that if you don't know what's going on and you're trying to do a foot job, it's so easy to hurt somebody. It's so hard. The dick and balls are so fragile. And it's rough down there. We don't know what you got. If you have had any of these...

Your feet done or whatever. I don't know. Yeah. Nothing to make me cum, but the top half. Yeah. The bottom half doesn't make you cum? The vagina's in there. So is the ass. Isn't that the middle of a woman? When you call that the middle? Bottom half. Below the waist. But I like parts of the top half as well. I'm just saying. Like her mind and her soul. Yeah, you can like that. From the top half of a woman. Yeah. Do you think corns help with the foot job? I mean, depends on if you liked it ribbed for his pleasure. Mm-hmm.

We'll have to ask Jonathan Davis. Yeah, I'm certain he'll know. That's stupid. Let's do some listener letters. Think he fucks a bagpipe? We know he's had sex with his father. Yo, we do know that.

No, let's talk about this. We have a couple of good, we asked last week. Oh yeah, these are great. For some babysitter terrifying stories. And we were onslaughted. Yes, some of these are great. I love a terrifying story from a babysitter. And so here we go, let's see what we got here. I was 14. I had a new family that had just moved into our quiet little neighborhood.

They didn't stay long, seven, maybe eight months. But they left an impression I'll never forget. Two daughters, Mia seven, Sarah three. And for the sake of privacy, those names will do. At first glance, it was just another job. Sorry a little much. It is. The kind where the parents hand you the emergency contacts wave and head out the door. But Mia and Sarah's mom lingered. She looked me dead in the eye and said, you call me if anything happens.

Her voice wasn't stern. It was nervous. Let's take it again. That was a little stern. Call me if anything happens. Much better. Uneasy. I talked it up to the first time jitters about a new sitter. I was just a teenager after all. So the first hour or so was perfectly normal. The girls played with dolls and blocks. I exhaled. Easy money. Then came dinner. Pizza.

I was slicing up Sarah's plate when Mia's demeanor snapped like a rubber band. She demanded, screamed, that I cut hers too. I gently told her I'd be just a second. That's when she started jamming whole slices into her mouth, eyes locked at mine, and she forced herself to choke. I dropped the knife, ran over, dug the pizza out of her throat. Sorry for laughing. Her expression never changed. It's very funny. Insane children make me so terrified. Yeah, it's true.

Once Sarah was ready for bed, I told Mia I'd be back to play. I was upstairs for maybe five minutes when I heard it. The kind of scream that drills into your spine. I bolted downstairs, heart pounding, only to find Mia standing in the middle of the room, smiling. Still. I asked what happened. She stared at me and whispered, I want you to play with me. Her eyes were wrong. Like someone had flipped a switch behind them and the real girl had disappeared.

I told her I'd be back in a minute. She ran ahead of me faster than I expected and climbed into her sister's bed. Before I could intervene, she shoved Sarah onto the floor. The toddler wailed and I rushed to scoop her up. In the chaos, Mia snatched my phone from my pocket and locked herself in the bathroom. A moment later, I heard the toilet flush.

I was still banging on the door when she flung it open and sprinted barefoot out the front door. It was still light out, thank God, but she ran like something was chasing her. Through the yard, into the street, I tore after her, caught her mid-sprint, wrapped my arms around her like a human cage while she kicked and bit. Wild-eyed and thrashing, no warning, no trigger, just something inside her unleashed.

Back inside, I told her to go to her room. I checked the bathroom. My phone was soaked at the bottom of the toilet. Then came the worst moment of the night. It gets worse. I didn't hear her footsteps. Just her presence behind me. I turned and there she stood. I turned, there she stood. Big brown eyes, glassy and sweet like none of it had happened. Are you mad at me? She asked. I didn't answer. I just told her to go back to her room and stayed close to Sarah.

Fifteen minutes later, the parents came home. I told them everything. Mom pulled me outside, shutting the door softly behind her. She looked exhausted, haunted. She's been having some trouble. She said, do you think that we should get help? I never stepped foot in that house again. They moved away not long after. Some kids throw tantrums. Some break rules. But every now and then, you meet one who looks at you with calm eyes.

And chaos behind them. I like, this was a good letter because they had a nice conclusion statement, like a Jerry Springer. No, I loved it. And also, kids are frightening. I don't want kids at all. No, I want to be nowhere near them. Yeah, stay away. Yep. Like, you know, if the parents are around, I'll hang out with them. I actively dislike them. Yeah. I actively hate your children. I talk about that this week on Brighter Side, actually. Yeah, or another one.

And because this is side stories, I'm not going to let today pass without a single mention of shit. We talked a little dookie earlier. It's fine. But it's just how life goes. Yeah. And it's called a part of life. Much like death is. It will come for all of you. At a red roof inn. That complain. I'm so glad that this story has found a relevant home in the world. I work at a call center for a trash and recycling company. But two years ago, I was asked to call and suspend services for this one household.

The woman was shitting in her trash can. Her outdoor trash can. Like, we all know what dog poop looks like. This is clearly not from a dog. The first time she did it, she hit it like a jam filling in a layer cake. Bag shit, bag shit. The driver had photos of the aftermath smeared on the inside, so we called and we asked her to make sure everything was bagged. Next week, he showed up for service and opened the lid to find raw, unbagged logs sitting on top of the bags of trash. No paper towels either.

We concluded from the evidence provided that the only way she could have done this was to shit directly into her four foot tall trash can and then rolled it out onto the road like it was normal.

Then we had to have a conversation with a stranger about it. So to answer your question, no, piss cannot be recycled. And yes, drivers do check the trash cans. That's crazy because I watched the driver picked up my trash today and the hook grabbed my can and it just went in the back of it. No one got out and looked at my can. I think they have cameras and I do think that it depends on what comes sloshing out of it. Mm-hmm.

I think they're watching it go in. I'm good with my trash. I'll tell you that much. You are the most anal trash preparer of all of us. I do put shit, but only in the green bin. What do you mean? Like your own personal shit? No, my dog's. You don't put it in the regular trash?

No. Well, I got bags. They're in bags. I put it, I don't even use the bags because the bags don't always biodegrade. So, are you using all these? No, I have a pooper scooper. They make shovels for shit, Henry. But what about, yeah, I have them in my backyard, but when you're, you'll be asking, you're not walking them. They're not walking them. Yeah, no, they're in the backyard. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have a shit scooper. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And then I take the shit straight from the scooper and then I put it in the green bin.

This has been great. I think this has been some of our best radio ever. And if you have a problem with it, you can live yourself away. You can go take yourself and live some other place because you're fucking wrong. All right. And you can love the fact that we made some form of entertainment and did update you on many important things, didn't we? That's right. And then you can laugh knowing that we are the people for the job. That's right. And no one else can do what we do in the way that we do it.

I don't think that's... You think so? We're the only ones hosting any form of... I've really seen very little of comedians talking. Yeah, they hate that. Yeah, there's very little of that in the podcast fair. So it's nice that we're doing it. Yeah, we're the only guys in the game, right? Probably the only liberal guys in the game. Well, I mean, I don't even know what I am. You have a nice opinion, I think. Regardless... I hate everything. I hate all of it. There you go. That's what I love.

And if you hate everything and you live in the Fort Lauderdale area, come see Henry and I do Side Stories Live on May...

May 7th at the Fort Lauderdale Dania Improv. They keep changing the name of this fucking place. They really do. But Fort Lauderdale Improv, Dania Improv, Fort Lauderdale in general, we're going to be there on May 7th. And then the following night, May 8th, we're going to be up at the Orlando Funny Bone. The Late Show is the only one left. The early show sold out, so get your tickets to the Late Show. We're doing two in a row, baby. It's going to be a lot of fun. Cannot wait. We are going to have a blast. And then we're also going to Atlanta. We will be there after our live show at the Coca-Cola Rock

on June 29th. And that also, same thing, early shows sold out, late shows still available, Dad's Garage, side stories. And that is going to be, pretty much all of our shows are pretty...

Pretty improv. We've got bullet points and stuff. Yeah, we're going to have other kind of slightly prepared material. This is different. Dad's garage is full fucking nuts. We're just going to experiment and we can't wait to do it in front of you. It's going to be free thought. And then, of course, just in a couple weeks, in two weeks, we're going to be in Detroit for Last Podcast on the Left at the Masonic. That's going to be on April 18th. Make sure you come check that show out. There's still a couple tickets left, so grab them while they got nuts.

Also, I'm hitting the road. I'm coming for sandwiching those Fort Lauderdale and Orlando dates on May 6th. I'm going to be in Naples. That's a Tuesday at the off the hook event.

Comedy Club. Come hang out with me there. I'm going to have Kevin Skeeney and Lisa Correa with me. It's going to be a lot of fun. And then May 9th through the 11th, Comedy Key West, baby. I'm going there and that's going to be a fucking blast. That is going to be a lot of fun. That's where you're going to drink yourself to death and it'll be fun. I won't because I don't like drinking before the show.

And so I probably... But you know right after. I know, but Key West is such a day-drinking town. I have no idea what you're going to do all day not drinking inside of Key West. Well, you know who I'm going to visit, Robert.

Yeah. Does he know? I don't know. I haven't. I mean, this is like me announcing it, I guess. We're going to have to. You're going to have to. Should I bring him a gift, right? Yes. Yes. I should bring Robert like a little last podcast t-shirt or something, right? Yes. Yes. We need to bring him a gift. Yeah. Yeah. So if we'll, I'll talk to Ken. Do we have any children's clothes available from Rich? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I could go down to buy the orphanage.

Yeah. Have you ever been over by the abortion clinic? They actually, if you go through the dumps or the abortion clinic, a lot of this stuff's great. I thought you didn't have to buy clothes for abortions. No, no. It's like, I mean, some people get ahead. Spinny hats. People do it ahead of time. People get really excited. Yeah, get the toddler tee. Yeah, we'll get him the toddler tee. Yeah, I really should bring Robert the doll a t-shirt. That'd be cute. What were you going to say?

It's a cat. Yeah, it's cute. Sweating cat. It's a cat. Robert, I can't wait to meet you, buddy. I love you. I don't disrespect you in any way. I'm bringing you a gift. And we love your hat. Yes. And keep listening to the podcast. Yes. Please, Robert, if you would. Like and subscribe. Ooh, maybe a good put hat. You know, actually, I realize, you know what the polygamy family reminds me of? What? The five people who comment on our Spotify account for some reason. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

The weirdest comment strand. It's like, why do they do this? They could have done anything. Spotify literally could have added anything to the app. Why is the Spotify comment so much more evil than any other? It's so funny. It's because they shouldn't have comments. There's no reason for comments. They're already mad they're paying for Spotify. Everybody's mad. All they do is make them pay for another thing. It's every time you do something, they're just going to make you pay for something else because they fucking hate you. But just remember that.

It's like, Jesus Christ. We need some pro gremlins on there. Go to patreon.com slash podcastontheleft.com Don't you just want to give straight to the creators? That's how you do that. And at LP on the left, you can see all of our various socials. Man, we are really unfortunately working on them.

And you can really look at them. They're quite a bit of work. So if you want to look at these fucking socials, that'd be fucking great, honestly. And you're going to want to go to Contact in the Desert. We will be there all week and go to their website. We are there from May 29th to June 2nd. Buy a ticket. We have a big comedy night planned that we're going to officially announce in the next couple of weeks. That's Saturday night. That'll be great. Sounds like you just announced it. Well...

LastPodcastAndLeft.com is where you get to go to all of our live shows. And we're going to see you there, aren't you? We're going to see you out there because if not, you're a fucking loser. Honestly, Beau, contact in the desert. It's going to be a blast. It's coming up. It's two months out. If you can make the trip, like, honestly, you are just in this space, not just with us, but with some of the greatest UFO people in the world and some of the worst. That's the best. And it's truly like, I mean, like seeing Nick Pope at the bar at 2 a.m. It's just...

I can't really describe how funny it is to see George Norrie walk out of an elevator with his parfait that he got from the hotel gift shop. It is just so funny. I don't know why I can't remember his name. Fire in the Sky. We saw Travis Walton. Travis Walton just playing guitar next to a fire. It is nuts. It is so much fun. And then celebrities show up because they need to see this. They're not even a part

the thing your friend nurse was just there last year he was just there dude like i got to hang out with lp for a little bit that guy's a great he's very cool yes he's very cool yeah hopefully you run into him again he was hilarious actually we should reach out to him he'd be great on the show he's funny yeah yeah lp is a genius too obviously i love him and i love i love her i'm gonna see uh run the jewels soon when uh they're opening for wu-tang no when it's uh in june where

Here in town. Where? I don't know where. You don't remember the venue? It's in Los Angeles. I don't know. Wherever the tickets are. We're just talking about our plans now. All right. We got to prepare for this next thing. All right, you fuckers. Hail sweet Satan. And hail whoever has to deal with tailorship business. God. Her business is between her and God. At Amica Insurance, we know it's more than just a car or a house. It's the four wheels that get you where you're going.

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