Side Stories: The R Train
01:19:03 Share

At Firestone Complete Auto Care, we hold our service to the highest standard. That's why we have thousands of ASE certified expert technicians nationally. So if you're looking for car service that's got your back on the road, choose the place that treats every car like their own and every customer like family. Don't wait any longer. Call your local Firestone Complete Auto Care and book your next appointment today.

Lowe's helps refresh your garden in time for Mother's Day. Right now, get five bags of 1 1⁄2 cubic foot Scott's NatureScapes mulch for just $10. Plus, select 1 1⁄2 gallon annuals hanging baskets make the perfect gift. Now two for only $15. The best garden starts with great deals. Lowe's. We help. You save. Ballot through 5-7. Selection varies by location. While supplies last, discount taken at time of purchase. ♪♪

There's no place to escape to. This is the Lost Podcast. On the left. Side stories? That's when the cannibalism started. Side stories. Yes. Sorry. Sorry. Well, Henry. Oh, me? Happy birthday week. That's me. It's your birthday this week. Oh, yeah. You're so excited. You look great.

You look great. You don't look a day over 41. I'm 41. Not yet. Not yet. You're going to be 41. Yes, but I've been sick for days. Yes. Yeah, me too. I think I gave it to you. You did. When we recorded the last podcast on the left, because you got sick and Marcus didn't, because I sit closer to you. Yes. And I was coughing. You were coughing and sniffling. And sniffling a bunch, but I still came to work because I care about you and I care about this job. But then he went to go to the C-

I went and saw The Grateful Dead at the Sphere. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You had a great weekend. So I didn't really get completely better. Yeah. What did you do all weekend? I laid in my filth. Hell yeah, man. I watched, I played BG3. You got a new girlfriend. I did get a new girlfriend at Baldur's Gate. Yay!

I'm fucking Laizel as well. I'm having sex with Shadowheart. She's more kind of my emotional girlfriend. Laizel and I are kind of more of a- She don't do shit. We're friends with benefits. She just sits around without fucking- She doesn't have a job. She's just collecting Social Security. No, no. She's working very hard. She's Laizel. No, she's not lazy as hell. That is a contraction. Laizel is a Githyanki name. Is her last name- Is it Susan? Yeah.

Lazel Susan. That's funny. Welcome to Side Stories. Spin her around. I know. I remember. My name is Henry Zabrowski. She is not. She's a squirter and a spitter. I'm sitting here with Ed Larson, who is picking apart. You can have one of my rats. I don't want the rat. Oh, my God. I can't believe you don't want the rat. I am at a low today. You're at a low? I am. I am vulnerable. Are you sad that you're getting older? Are you sad because you're sick? Are you sad because you're fat? Hold it. Hold it.

Every single layer of it. I actually feel nothing about the age. It's mostly that I feel like dog shit for days, and I want to party so bad. I am in a party mood. I wish that I could go out there and have fun, and I can't right now, and it sucks. We're partying on Thursday, bro. LPN fun.

Funhouse. Come on out. You're going to see me struggle live on the 1th of May, the day after this comes out, on LPN TV, twitch.tv slash LPN TV from 4 p.m. Pacific to sometime. We're partying for you. 4 p.m. to 8 p.m. Pacific. You're going to come in and I'm doing it all. I'm leaving early.

I'm not. I'm locked in for the entire four hours. It should be a lot of fun. Yeah, because P-Funk's in town. I'm like, we should go see our favorite band on your birthday. And you're like, no, we must work. I was told. We must do this. It was booked. We were going to hang out with George Clinton on your birthday. And you were like, no, Eddie.

Holden says we work, and when Holden says, goes. I am. Right? Because you promoted him, and now he's above you. I am. Honestly, I can't wait to quit. I can't wait for him to take this over. Yeah, sorry, guys. He's taking over the seat. He's coming here. He's going to talk. No, Eddie. No.

I love all of this. There's no way I wanted to go hang out with George Clinton. I didn't want to. No, it's not true. I am excited to be part of the LPN Funhouse. It was booked first.

Now, this is, and that is called, that's called how it is. But not only am I excited for that, but then next week we're going to be all throughout Florida. We're going to have a lot of fun. Oh my God, dude. I'm very excited. Toronto, which is sold out. Toronto, sold out. Sold out. Go screw. I think it's oversold. Yeah, we're going to have to kick people out. We're going to have to kick people out, or like at least I think someone's actually going to have to sit on my back. Yeah.

Yes. It's going to be very cool. We're having people come on stage. Yeah, we're going to have people come on stage and just sit there and interrupt, I think. Yes. Yes. Throw shit at us. Can't wait. Yeah. We're doing it. It's called The Hurdle Show. Yeah, no, I want to see how hot you can get Tim Horton's coffee and throw it on Henry. You could get up to, I guess it's like 49 Celsius. I don't know what the legal hottest temperature is in Canada.

But we can't wait to see you all. Oh, yeah. We have a lot of, we have a couple updates. Well, you teased the Florida thing, but you didn't tell people where to go. Fort Lauderdale, on the 7th, we're doing side stories at the Fort Lauderdale Improv. And on the 8th, we're going to be Orlando at the Funny Bone with the first show sold out.

Yeah, second show's almost sold out. So come and get those tickets. So if you're in Orlando, come. Fort Lauderdale still has some tickets. And then also, I'm going to be solo in Naples on May 6th and the entire weekend in Key West from May 9th to 11th. Let's get into some updates. First off, we got footage. Oh. We got the footage, bro. Well, I had, first of all, I just want to say I got really good feedback from one of the most precious longtime fans

fans of this show that is close to me and told me and i i hear her i heard her and i'm absorbing her yeah and she said that she felt that we were coming a little hard at jillian shiner uh said we were kind of maybe insinuating some stuff about the the then this is the wife of the bassist of weezer yeah uh what's his name his name's like stymie shiner steve shiner sean shiner

shiner brother scott shiner yeah i love weezer i love steiny shiner is my favorite guy yeah and his wife shiner clock i love her but you know we kind of came a little bit hard about you know kind of saying that she's like but honestly i really looked into it and i talked with my friend and it's true jillian shiner was doing some really really great work within the true crime community she was out

there what was she doing she did a book about samuel little the serial killer that she apparently was the one that got him to confess oh and and basically talk about the he said he had a photographic memory and he was painting pictures of the various sex workers that he had killed in the various decades that he was a serious serial killer we've never covered him right no because there's really not a heck of a lot to the story there's like we know that he's a very mean mad

Madman. He's very big. He was a semi-pro boxer. He also was- This all sounds incredible to me. But then he was a serial killer of sex workers. Yeah. Well, I mean, for the show, it's incredible. But not enough. We don't know enough. Yeah? About it. We just know those things. And they all come from his mouth. Samuel Little is also one of the least dependable of them, as far as I'm concerned. Oh, okay. So we could have a, what's his name again? The guy who lied all the time? Which one? Oh.

We did two updates on them that are coming out soon. The confession killer. Oh, yes. Henry Lee Lucas. Henry Lee Lucas. It's very, very possible. But Gillian Shiner was a really good, she worked really hard. Now, the reason why we talked about her is because there was a high-speed chase that went through their very fancy neighborhood in Los Angeles. And she decided- Is it Eagle Rock?

really fancy now it is okay it's got some good i guess if weezer's living there it's got to be kind of fancy they got great houses they really do have great houses it's a bit crunchy for me it's not my it's not my style um but now what we have seen is that we know that last week right before weezer headlined coachella they went and uh they this she inserted herself it seemed to be in the hunt

for these people that were running from a high-speed chase that were armed. She herself was armed. She was in her front yard of her home while the police were looking for the suspects. She had the gun out, and she was gesturing with the gun. The police then apparently shot her in the exchange. We now have the body cam footage, and when you watch it,

You really can't see. She really was quite confident with the handgun and the police. And I'm just going to put this out there for anybody. This is no longer a, I'm not trashing this woman. She seemed to be scared slash righteous slash. She made a, she does not seem scared.

She seems like she's very much in charge of her yard. Yes. And she has the gun and she, the problem is that the police officers all go, put the gun down, put the gun down, put the gun down over and over again. You hear them communicating amongst each other. And then she said, you put your fucking gun down. Which is again, I'm just going to say, no judge around a character. You just kind of want to be really careful when you have a gun and the police are there and they have their guns.

Because the thing about police is that they're jumpy. And they are not ready. They're not ready. Most of them are not ready. They're not well trained. So I actually got a reach out from, as we talked about it, because I said maybe the cops were pulling it away because we know that she was only injured because they open up fire on her. They shot a bunch of times. They're either exercising her white privilege or...

Horrible shots. Because they shot like what, eight times? And one of the hardest parts is that she does shoot first. It does seem as if she pops off a shot as well. She lifts the gun. They found a bullet casing from her gun that was also expelled. So this was a very bad scenario. Is she going to go to prison for attempted murder of a police officer? Right now, they don't know what to do. Because that's like...

I don't know. You shoot a gun at a cop. You're trying to kill him, right? I know we're trying to be nice to this woman because you have a friend of a friend, but at the same time, she fired a gun at a cop, and that seems like attempted murder. Oh, I'm going to say that. I'm going to say it's a big old mistake.

Whatever it is, it's a big old mistake. But this officer that reached out to me said, we should be lucky. She should be lucky that they are so poorly trained because they are not supposed to just wing you. Yeah. They are supposed to riddle you with bullets. And the problem is that she wasn't. We're sick. I got Henry sick. Everybody's sick.

Not me. No, he's fine. I'm going to be sick for a break. No, no, no. Don't worry. You'll love it. It's already passed. It's already passed all that. Stay patient. Yay. Yeah, she got real lucky that they weren't well trained because she should be a corpse. Because they definitely spray her with bullets. Yeah. Or sprayed the yard with bullets. And I tell you what, I feel like there's a couple other scenarios where if they did happen to spray everybody with bullets, it would have made...

things a lot more black and white, and we actually maybe could have dealt with that. Do you think they knew who she was? I know that they knew that she was a...

A rich lady in a yard packing a gun. Yeah. In the middle of an active investigation that she was involving herself in. And technically, normally what would happen, they would either get you for obstruction, right? They go and they'd be like, you know, they come and they rile you up. And most of the time when they get you for obstruction, it's just to...

cool you out. And a lot of times they'll just let you go. A lot of times if you show up at a crime scene and start yelling and screaming, one police officer will eventually... Man, I can't wait until I get to do that. Me too. One day. Soon. I'm going to. And so they pop you in the back. A lot of times they'll, depending again, it might depend on what color you are, but they pop you in the back of a car and they decide whether or not they're going to press charges against you. If you're just fucking up the everyday kind of investigation...

A lot of times they let you go. A lot of times they just want you out of the way and then they get ready because it's hard to charge with obstruction. Yeah, because it's opinion. Yes, and it's like a nothing burger charge. It's like that doesn't do anything. So they just kind of do it as an excuse to get you out of the situation. She might get charged with obstruction because of this. They might throw away the attempted murder. At the bare minimum.

and give her obstruction to be nice. If she gets no obstruction, firing a gun at a cop during a chase, I don't know, like, that might as well cause riots in this city. There was a date in January several years ago in which we kind of see the same thing happen, where the police are coming across a group of people that seem to be, let's just say they were storming a house that was white.

Yeah. And they said, hey, they scanned the crowd and instead of doing probably what they would have done in any other aspect, unless, of course, they were told to not open fire on them ahead of time because it was all a setup. They also then should have probably killed all of those guys. Yeah. In order to set the precedent that you don't do that. Yeah.

But then it seems that that caused a lot of problems, as we can see. That's kind of a constant rolling effect ever since then. So it's interesting in some points where you don't want the police to use excessive force. Most of the time, you really don't. Most of the time, I'm praying for de-escalation. No one should get shot by the police if you don't absolutely have to. I don't want anyone to ever get shot by any cops or by anybody. I believe police should have goo guns and net guns.

Like legitimately. That would be cool. I don't really know why we don't. I know we have them for crowd control. I think technically something like a giant staying foam spray would be really good for a bunch of insurrectionists. At least keep it in the trunk. Yeah, because then it's like you don't necessarily have to kill them. You just got to kind of someone has to come and clean them all up and arrest them. Shotgun with salt bullets could be cool. A lot of ways to do it, Eddie. There's a lot of ways to discourage lots of different things without people.

Death. A gun that's just got like a big boxing glove at the end of it? Or just a thing that just says like, hey, you look gay. You know what I mean? Like a speaker that just, hey, you're looking gay. It freezes these guys. Me? Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. It freezes them. And so it's like, I feel like there's that. But then during sometimes you wonder why they didn't use successive force and it seems to be another way for them to politically manipulate the situation. Yeah.

That's just my little opinion. And what do I know? I'm a fat piece of shit. Amen. So let's go. With your cough, you're a little bit of a wheezer yourself. I hope I don't have pneumonia. Yes!

I am dying. Oh, well, so she got released there. You have old Monia. I have old Monia. It is definitely not the new Monia. No, yeah, she is released on $1 million bonds. Okay. You only get to pay in 10%, so she had $100,000 cash. But I hope that this serves as a wake-up call. Yeah. And that she can get back to the good work.

Yes. Get back to reporting on that true crime. She's facing attempted murder charges. Oh, she is facing attempted murder. Very much so. No one's happy with her. Maybe she can pick up some trash next to the highway or something. I think that you're going to have to charge her.

Unfortunately, I'm not into it. I don't think the cops are in the business of making it okay to shoot at them occasionally. It feels like now that that new executive order got signed, the police can call upon the military to come help them at any point. It's going to be interesting. It's interesting because they're already armed with all...

Our old military. So now they'll get the old stuff and the new stuff. That's really cool. Oh, yeah. Good for them. Also, we got another great update. So Lori Vallow was allowed to comment upon her guilty. Oh. She got, you know, obviously she got convicted.

She's already been convicted of killing her children and Tammy Daybell. This time she was convicted in the murder of the conspiracy to murder Charles Vallow, her husband, her ex-husband. And she was allowed to talk on camera. And it's the most horrible travesty.

Ever. It's just like more. What is it, like a webcam? No, it's a real reporter. There's a big irresponsible thing that I saw with this Lori Vallow trial that I don't really understand where everyone started talking to the jury immediately. Like, this is how you get shit thrown out.

Yeah, well, it's already happened, though. The verdict came in. But you can get your shit thrown out on appeal very easily if a juror slips and says something after the fact along the lines of, I heard X, Y, Z. Or I, one of them came out the first thing out of his fucking mouth. This one guy, there's always one. There's always one, which I'm a little jealous of because I want to be this guy. Yes, but this one guy.

That's doing this whole thing where he's like, I thought Lori was innocent. I thought she was innocent the whole time. And it wasn't until I told my granddaughter, like he was like, oh, my God, talking about this thing. And everyone's like, no, no, no, no, no, no. Shut the living fuck up. Shut up, because you can very possibly get the whole thing thrown out.

Very easily. Yeah. Because they're morons. It's also, it was just extremely, Arizona's got very loose laws when it comes to the jury. Yeah, and they also got loose laws with just locking people up. Yeah, because they had that whole crazy jail for Joe Arpaio life. Oh, I remember that. But Lori, yeah, Lori looks like shit.

She got an opportunity to put on makeup again that she made from a series, I guess, of berries and juice mixes that she's got. Yeah. Could be blood. Some blood. Her hair is looking rough. She's honestly, her face is kind of falling a little bit. Age is starting to show. But thankfully, she happily gets to go back.

back to her favorite jail in Idaho. Yes. That's really what she was missing. And good on you, Lori. You fucking bitch. And I hope somebody shanks you in jail, you fucking homicidal maniac. I mean, it might happen, but I think, is she in Gen Pop? I doubt it.

Right? She's too popular. Well, she apparently is in a... She says she gives a series of spiritual counseling to some women that are in jail. Oh my God. I bet she is like a weird little guru. They all talk. They got nothing but time. Yeah. They can do nothing but hang out.

So they can sit and listen to her pontificate about her dumb shit ideas. And they can all wait for Moroni to fucking pop them out of jail. Yeah. It's not like anyone can get canceled when they're already in prison. It was so hard. Honestly, because they're even canceled. They're still going on tour from prison. Yeah. They're still putting out specials. She's an isolated high security is what it says. Isolated high security. Okay, yeah. So there ain't no one really hanging out with her. She should do a podcast from jail. I'm surprised they don't let her.

OPN. Let's bring it here. So you would like it? I mean, in terms of that way, I could make it. But then maybe I could flip it on her. You should interview her.

She's doing interviews. I'd have a hard time not doing it without screaming at her. Yeah. Because that was the thing. Even just watching it, I'm screaming at my YouTube. I'm watching and being like, you fucking dumb bitch. You're specifically not understanding the things that they are telling you. You're specifically not understanding things because you want reality to be your way, and it's not. You killed your kids, you homicidal maniac. It's so weird because when you get obsessed with things, I think you love these people, but then when you actually start talking about them, you just start screaming and get all red-faced. Yes.

Natalie is known to sit as well. Which is good, though. Sometimes you get angry. Which is good. Fly from your grave.

Shopping is hard, right? But so is being a man. There's a better way, right? Use that manly strength to sign up for Stitch Fix, all right? You can get this online personal styling. It makes shopping easy. You will speak to a stylist that will understand your sizes, your budget, and will get you looking nice. Because right now, let's face it, it's difficult to shop. We all look like...

The idea is to change the way we look at ourselves in the mirror using clothing first. It's the best way to get a confidence boost and get out of the house. You're going to make style easy, man, using Stitch Fix. Make style easy. Get started today at stitchfix.com slash lastpod. That's stitchfix.com slash lastpod.

Are your kids struggling with homework? iXL is an online learning program that covers math, language arts, science, and social studies with interactive practice problems for kids from pre-K to 12th grade. Using advanced algorithms, iXL's questions adjust to the right level of difficulty for each different student as they practice, whether it's on the computer or using the app on a phone or tablet. Memberships start at only $9.95 a month.

And I tell you, once we started it, Carmi has been getting through elementary school with just, it is astounding to see the growth that she's had in reading over the last couple of months working with IXL. Because up in the very beginning, Carmi was going like, just kind of barking at the computer. And then now I got her saying stuff like, I was like, what did you say, Carmi? And she went, you ask him for chicken?

He's like, chicken. She points at IXL. It's teaching her how to say chicken. Who'd have thunk it? Thanks, IXL. Great, one more person asking me for stuff. Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. And last podcast on the left listeners can get an exclusively 20% off IXL membership when they sign up today at ixl.com slash left. Visit ixl.com slash left to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price.

Summer is just around the corner. And when it's summertime, you know you're going to go out and do stuff, have a good time. You're going to concerts. You're going to the beach, maybe a vacation or two. So every dollar really counts. And you know where you waste a lot of money? On these crazy cell phone plans. They're all so expensive. I just dropped out of one that I was paying $150 a month for, and the service wasn't even that good. So it just failed.

15 bucks a month, you can do it with Mint Mobile. All plans come with high-speed data and unlimited talk and text delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. Why overpay? Why spend too much when you can go to Mint Mobile? You know what I did with the money I saved when I joined Mint Mobile? I bought sandwiches and

And you know what? I love sandwiches. And you know why I wasn't buying sandwiches before? Because sandwiches are more expensive than they've ever been. I've been making my own sandwiches. But now...

that I'm with Mint Mobile. I'm buying them again, baby. I don't even care how much they are. I'm going to nice, fancy delis. I'm getting the pastrami and the corned beef all on one. You know why? Because I saved money with Mint Mobile. So this year, skip breaking a sweat and breaking the bank.

Get your summer savings and shop premium wires plans at mintmobile.com slash LPOTL. That's mintmobile.com slash LPOTL. Upfront payment of $45 for three-month, five-gigabyte plan required, equivalent to $15 per month. New customer offer for the first three months only. Then, full price plan options available. Taxes and fees, extra. See Mint Mobile for details. Also, speaking of, we got a Diddy update. Oh, yeah, lots of in-prison stuff. But you know that they did a new...

This autopsy on Pope Jorge. Baby oil. Baby oil? All in him. No! Ass. Not Jorge! Mouth. Oh, no! All over his chest. Oh, my God! Cum residue on his butt cheeks. Oh, my God! How are they going to make him...

mummy. Honestly, it's going to be so hard. You're going to scrape all the stuff off first. Well, you need oil in the Catholic Church to anoint. You've got to be anointing. Yeah, yeah. He was anointing to fucking Sheba and back. Man. But yeah, apparently Diddy claims Well, this is the new thing. His defense attorney, who they're already talking too much. Yes. The government came at Diddy with this absolutely Byzantine

series of charges. I want to say it's something like hundreds of charges. Yes. They are now trying to say up front that one of their big defenses in the trial, I believe the trial date's set for like mid-May. It's starting soon. Oh, is it? Yeah, the Diddy trial's starting soon. Ooh. It's going to be good. Are you going to watch that one? Of course. But they are saying now, according to his defense attorney, he is trying to say...

That all of the years of all of the various parties, all the layers of all of the organization of the human trafficking and sex with minors in a group aspect and all of this shit, that he was simply too wasted to have planned all that himself. Yeah, too drunk to fuck is what he says. Too drunk to fuck.

And that's his defense. And it's, I just don't think it's not a defense, not for 25 years of rape. Yeah. No, I mean, it's like 25 years. I mean, even one, it's not organized. Yeah, of course. But you have frat boys go to prison occasionally all the time. It's still rape. And it's like, they get full on. He planned it.

Millions of dollars was put behind it. Yeah. Emails, texts, like plane tickets, catering. Like think about just the layers of that catering bar service, the DJ, all these things that were at these parties, just like any other giant Hollywood party. Yeah. So there was an infrastructure in place.

The people that were all involved. Ashton Kutcher's hanging out. His bosses from his record companies are hanging out. They all knew it was happening. Yes. They all were talking about what's-her-name just came out. Was it Coco? Oh, no. Ice-T and Coco? And Coco said she went to every single one of them. No, Coco! Of course. But Coco, don't say that! Coco is trying to make a point. I love Coco! Oh!

Not the Mexican skeleton. No! I'd like that Coco more, though. Good. Yes, that Coco. But Coco is saying that she was involved with all of these various things. She's involved with all this shit.

Oh, God. Jesus, Henry. What a good time for an audio medium for you and I right now. Yeah, no, no. You're full Weezer. I am dying. I'm fucking dying. I find it interesting. He's not getting out of this. No. No one wants to go down with it. There's hundreds of charges. No one wants to go down with it.

And it's, I actually think that now too, we're going to see even more. Ghislaine Maxwell from behind jail is trying, she's trying to get out. She's trying to flip on whoever the last bits that she can flip on. She should just flip on Diddy. Diddy is, this is where it's separate.

And it's why did he got arrested versus why Epstein didn't. We talked about this a little bit. Yeah. Right. I guess in the end, Epstein got arrested. But it was I mean, who knows how all that was going to shake out before he killed himself or was allowed to kill himself. Yeah. So told, told possibly, you know.

Diddy, again, was in the expendable business of entertainment and drug trafficking. Yes. That's expendable. And human trafficking. Yes. Again, it doesn't matter. These are not crimes that they care about. Diddy was not connected to the intelligence community. That's the difference. Yes. Ghislaine was connected to the intelligence community. Prince Andrew was connected to the intelligence community. Yes.

Epstein obviously was a spy. There's a difference between Prince Andrew and Ashton Kutcher. Barely. Barely. But yes. And there's a difference. And speaking of Prince Andrew, Virginia Giuffre, that was his main accuser during the entire Epstein saga. All of this...

She just committed suicide and she had this sort of massive like fall from grace over the last like short period of months where she was getting she was starting to act really erratic. She claimed to almost be murdered in a bus accident. She said she only had four days to live after this bus accident. The bus driver was like, this is like she's exaggerating. She then went through a really intense divorce where she accused her husband of of abuse.

I don't know what happened domestic violence is all of this shit have obviously Virginia's Jew phrase life was destroyed completely suffering from PTSD utterly utterly Traumatized yeah from all of the things God knows what's going on, but I now her parents are saying let's investigate the suicide I just think it's more of an example of Why this all is all so hard for people to talk about to lay their lives on the line and

to be whistleblowers for. It's extremely difficult, especially something like her. So I think that she's a nut... Like, this whole Epstein thing is still...

rolling and rolling and rolling. And now we're seeing the fact that, you know, like our president was his best friend and all the other connections that you have. We know that he had some connections to net Yahoo. You know, he had some connections to all these other things. It's all fucking very bad. And Prince Andrew, you told me she, he paid her off.

They had a settlement. Okay. They had a settlement, and then Prince Andrew was fucking stripped of all of his fancy shit. They took all... It took his crown, and they took his scepter. They took all of his scepter. They took his little curled boots. Yeah. They took his thing. They popped his sweat glands so he could sweat again. Yeah.

And that was the whole thing with Prince Andrew. He said that he couldn't sweat. You couldn't possibly sweat. That's what goes with Virginia Giuffre described them dancing and him heaving on top of her. She just talked about the sweat pouring down his face. You remember scary stories to tell in the dark? Yes. You remember that drawing of that lady with the long stringy white hair and that thing in that? I don't remember. Rob, please find. That's Prince Andrew. Okay. Yeah.

That's like what she saw when Prince Andrew was heaving on top of her. Right? This is literally, they have the same face. They have the same body. And they have the same... That looks like me at prom. But again, it's just another example of how this pain just keeps on rolling. So...

They're playing whack-a-mole with them. We have no idea who else is there. Like, think about who else we're not talking about. I imagine that there are people within these structures that would surprise the living hell out of you. That is part of what they were even saying about the Diddy stuff, is that part of the Diddy stuff that helps wrap it all in mystery is that there's a couple of people in there that you'd be like, what? Of course. It's like...

And it might be someone you really don't want it to be. But if it is, then it is. Like my hero, Chuck Schumer. Yeah. Oh, my God. My hero, that brave revolutionary Chuck Schumer. Chuck Schumer hasn't gotten hard since Jaws came out. Oh, no. He gets hard when his tumors get hard.

Rob, good luck editing this. I know, this is going to be great. Yeah, yeah, this is disgusting. The two of us just sound like we're in an off-track bedding. I'm doing my best. We owe, we have to do the episode, guys. We have to be, we have to be recording. Oh, wait till we do another one tomorrow that airs next week and you got to listen to it all again. Just choking and fucking wheezing. By the way, the trial starts on Cinco de Mayo. Oh, ah!

Yeah, man. Taco Monday. Yeah, buddy. Oh, tell me. I'm going to get my tapas lined up. Yeah. I can't wait, dude. I can't wait for that front row seat. Oh, man. Well, I can't... Too drunk to fuck is not an argument, Diddy. I'm very sorry, buddy. It's too drunk to organize. Like, that's the thing. Like, you have to be, like...

I'm stoned a lot. Yeah. It's still your house. I have many opportunities to sort of clear up and make some business emails. Yeah. Everybody wear white. That's an order. Wear white.

That's called producing. That's what producing is. He is a producer. He has all the money. His whole career is producing. Anything that he says trying to escape blame doesn't really make any sense because he was so up his own ass with his own organization. He was such a control freak and he was so obsessed with all of this shit. It was his real job. The sex stuff

was his real job. The rest of it was the hobby. And then he was doing all of this stuff. And when you are that level of producer, the way they do it, much like the president, they're trying to say like, they're delivering orders, much like how Diddy helped kill Tupac and fucking Biggie, now that this seems like it, definitely was involved in some level. But when you have that amount of money and that amount of clout, when you do say dumb shit like that,

enough go people that are making legit money and are legit important make it happen for you. So then, yes, of course, they're all the foot soldiers. They get with all the foot soldiers. Also, they do the flip.

Time to do the flip. I mean, his little white boy's flipping. I mean, the white boy was the worst choice that P. Diddy ever made. Yes. That drug dealer. Anybody that looked like a character from the road trip films is not allowed to be my mule. You're not my main mule. I want my mule to be an abuelita. Yeah. Old woman. Yeah. Because an old woman, too. You know what's the best part about an old woman?

is that you can also give her a couple, if you lop off the titties, right? Okay, yeah. You put a couple grenades in her bra and stuff like that. Oh, all right. If you get her old enough not to give a shit, she'll pop those too, fucking take one for the shit. Oh, that's good. Kill herself and everybody else involved. Hell yeah. That's a good mule. Take notes, Zelinsky. Come on.

Oh, yeah. No, but I think, man, who would be the saddest person involved in Diddy's crimes? Biggie's mom. That's sad. That'd be the saddest one, right? That's really sad. That would be the saddest one. Oh, God. I would say the saddest person involved would be, I don't care about the rest of the 70s show people, you know? Yeah. You know who I'd really feel sad for? Who? Mace. Mace.

Oh, yeah. Where's Mace at? Mace left. He became a preacher. Oh, which happens. But now I actually wonder if Mace saw what was going on and he was so freaked out, he was like, I need the Lord. A lot of people do that. Yeah, of course. General Buck naked. Of course. He became a preacher after he stopped being a warlord. It's almost like an escape valve.

It's almost like a thing that they can do that's real easy because they built a system for a bunch of people that have done a bunch of crimes against large groups of people to just do a Hail Mary pass and then just get good with God and then they get to just move on. Yeah. Well, everybody else has to deal with all the horrible things that they did, but at least they get absolution, Eddie.

So I think that's what's awesome about organized religion. Yeah, and it's good. And they become leaders in the community. And that's the best part about it. They are allowed to do a lot of things. And they get access to budgets and money and crew again. It's very cool. It's very cool. There was, you know, this is a bad segue, but speaking of sexual assault in New York. This bad segue. It's a bad segue, but it is a fact.

There was a man charged. This is the headline. Man charged with raping corpse on New York City subway. You know, the reason why you felt. I feel like if we don't tell this story, it's like against the mantra of the show. Oh, I agree. I agree. Now, the man. It's not fun. No.

Felix Rojas, 44 years fun, has been charged with first degree rape over the disturbing April 9th incident on a subway train in Manhattan. The R train. Oh, of course. Truly the worst one. He's like, oh, you know, if I'm on this train, you gotta do it. Hey, like on the M train is where you get murdered. Yes. Now, the New York City subway system. What happens on the G train? Gaped. Gaped.

But that's consensual. Yeah. It's consensual, y'all. But this guy, so a guy died. So the story goes, a man died of natural causes on the train. He gets on the R train. One of my worst nightmares. Sounds like he had a heart attack or something on the train. Yeah. It's hard living in New York. Oh, it is. But the guy, a man saw him, robbed him. No, it was a woman. A woman robbed him. After the train.

Oh, the woman robbed after the R? Both. So the man robbed him. Okay. Saw he was dead. Robbed his corpse. Didn't know it was a corpse until he felt, I guess, how cold his torso was. But he still took his money. Yep. Then said, I like this. Had sex with his mouth and his butt. Yes. Right? The corpse. On camera.

Then he left. And then he was robbed again by the woman. Then the corpse was robbed again. Oh, see, I thought the woman robbed him first. Nope.

No. No, no, no. See, so this is the thing is that New York's a hard city to live in. It is. The thing is, everyone thinks everyone's a lunatic in New York. We all do. Eight million people live there. And then at any given day, there's another eight million visiting or coming in from Jersey and Long Island. No offense, Rob. This isn't a long, this is not an anti-New York sentiment. No, no, no. Because we live in Los Angeles. When that many people live in one place, there's going to be horrible shit happening.

It's just the way that they talked about it and just like the idea that the man, it's the consideration. It's the man on an open train sees a corpse. And yes, I do believe they're, okay. How do I walk through this? It was before midnight. Wow. That's not good either. Yeah, it was 5.55.

Yeah. Wow. Middle of the day. The woman robbed him first. The woman robbed him first. Thank God we cleared it up. Yeah, no, that's, I mean, if there's like a guy with his pants around his ankles, a dead body with his pants around his ankles and like semen in his butt, and then you go rob him, that seems worse than just robbing a dead body. Robbing a dead body, I almost don't see the crime. You know what's funny, Eddie, is that I'm almost with you.

Where if he's dead, I've been playing too much Baldur's Gate. I've been playing too much Baldur's Gate. He got looted. Yeah. He got looted. He got looted. Now, that's different, right? Yes, certainly. It's hard to live in New York. It's hard to live in America right now. Everybody's worried about money. I could see out of pure, utter, horrible desperation. Mm-hmm.

You robbing a dead body for the money within it. That is not, again, that is the, that's just one crime that is just more of a sad state of affairs for the country, right? It's more the checking his pockets. Ah, he doesn't have anything. And then looking around, it's been like, but you know what I could do?

Like, that's what I don't understand. I don't know if it's the being like, do you think that it's a guy that he's had his eyes on for a while and he takes the train every day and he's been falling in love with him slowly but surely on the train like in a Gwyneth Paltrow, Bradley Cooper-like scenario where he's been watching him come on every day and they take the same route every day and he's always kind of wondering what it'd be like to try to kiss him. Maybe he's trying to bring him back to life.

You know, no one ever says that either. No one ever thinks that that like, cause it's like, oh, well if he's going to, so is that the corpse with the knee up? No, this is just the same man. He takes the subway a lot. Oh, well, I mean, lots of people take the subway a lot. Sure. But they have him on footage. That's why. Well,

Well, yeah, he definitely has a bit of a Michael Che style about him. I mean, yeah. In terms of his dress. Not his activities. No, no, no. I mean, I don't know. We haven't hung out with him a lot. No, it's been a while. But I don't think he's having sex with corpses anymore. I would highly doubt it. I don't know. He seems like he's too successful for that. Let's ask Colin Jost. These guys are like, but it's just this idea of...

You know, of course, everyone in the audience is saying, stop this. Stop talking about this. Yeah. But we want to know what makes somebody choose to do this. Side stories, LPOTL and gmail.com. What would... What the circumstances that you would have to be under to randomly have sex with a corpse that you've just found? Yeah, I don't know. I don't think I could... I don't think it could ever happen. Even if it was...

I don't know, buddy. I feel like we've walked into a whole area. I feel like we're in a trouble zone. I'm trying to figure out Marcus for this. I feel like we're in a troubled zone here. No, most of this will get cut. We're

We're bleeped. Yeah, we probably shouldn't say I fucked my wife's lifeless body. It's fine. It's your wife. Yeah. It's your wife. She can fuck me when I'm dead. Please. I've openly said it so many times. Please fuck me when I'm dead, Julie. I said, play with my dick and balls. Please. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dress me up in a dress. Fucking sit on my face. Play with my corpse and shit. And Natalie's like, please stop. Yeah, feed me. And I'm like, this is romantic. Yeah. I love you. I love you. You hear that, Julie? Yeah.

I love you. He loves you so much. He wants you to play with his dead corpse. That's right. Again, Natalie says, stop being morbid. Stop talking about your corpse. And it's like, well, guess what you've inherited? Yeah. Because you're a wife. That's right. So you get a husband's corpse eventually. Asses to asses. Bust to bust. That's what I hope for.

Well, I'm really glad we covered this story because we learned so much and there was just so much to it. Yes. No, it's very important news. It's weird, you know, because what do you not tell people? I don't know. You know, if this happens, you gotta like, I don't know. It just seems to me. Spread them? Yeah. Yeah.

It just seems like a weird set of circumstances. Mm-hmm. And that's what we investigate here. Yeah. Well, in Texas, people get arrested for...

much more victimless crimes. Of course. Almost most of their crimes there. They kind of ignore the crimes that have victims. Yeah. A man accused, I don't think he was arrested, of placing Easter eggs filled with weed all around his Texas town and then posting scavenger hunt clues on social media. He did go too far because it's still legal there.

And they are the type of nerds and shitheads and fuckfaces that will arrest you for weed. Yeah. They have nothing better to do all day. They just sit all day and they can't wait to arrest you for weed, especially if you're of the browner persuasion like this man is. Easter was on 420. Exactly. That's Pope Francis' fault. He literally couldn't sleep at the wheel here. His one job is to manage the calendar. Yeah. You can't do that, Frankie. Whatever, bro.

Can't wait to see your fucking robotic fucking successor. Yeah. At least he won't make Easter on 420. Pope chat, PGPT. Trying to fucking keep everyone stoned in front of their families. Honestly, 420, it was nice. Honestly, it was really cool to have it be 420 on that day. It was awesome. It was cool. We had a 420 Easter party. You didn't come. No, I was tired. There were children there, so we didn't smoke as much. But I smoked in the front yard. Good. None of those are my children. No, fuck them. Yeah, and if they want me to talk to them.

I gotta be high. Oh yeah, he's gay. You want me to engage you with your kids? I'm gonna be stoned. Yeah, so... But yeah, this guy put... The problem is that he gave too many hints...

And the weed doesn't look bad. No, it doesn't. It's regs. Yeah. You know, it's regs. That's free ass fun weed. That guy was a fun guy. Officers found four eggs and one was placed in three different parks and one was found behind a Motel 6. You know, it's just such a waste of resources.

This is such a massive waste of resources. A fifth egg was found by a man and his granddaughter at Winston Park the following day, and they brought it to police station.

What a narc. Yeah. What is this fucking shit, dude? It's like even your little girl, even if she eats it, it's not going to do anything to her. She can eat all the fucking weed she wants. She's not going to get fucking high. Man, look at this guy. They tried to really make this guy look like a criminal, but he's just got kindness in his heart. That's a fun idea. This is a victimless crime. This is just fun. The kids are, yeah, again, you can eat the actual weed and without it being cooked and

In fact, it just fucking comes at your butt. I guess if it's in parks, children could find it. And a child did find it. And then guess what?

The kid can sell it. Yes. Teaches them about business. Yes. That's about business. It's supply and demand. Guess who's holding? Little Jeremy. If this guy had better more followers. I'm walking around and I'm looking for fucking green and guess who's holding? Oh, you better come check out my fucking, my boy Jeremy's got some shit. You just got to roll by by recess. And then I go in there and I play kickball with all the kids and I get my fucking weed, dude. That's fun as hell. Oh, he fucked up. It was in a drug-free zone too close to a school.

That's where he messed up. I feel like this guy should have done a little bit, but also I'll say to him, I think that he should have done more research about where to probably put the eggs. Yeah, police station. You know what also you do with something like this? I will say this to the people that I hope that this tradition continues.

What I would like for people to do, though, is do this in a controlled environment where you tell everybody that within a closed group. I used to do this. Closed loop. Oh, yeah. Closed loop. In college, when I sold weed, we had Easter egg hunts. We filled a lot of them with weed. Some of them we filled with trash. Some with Xanax. I think I put a little cocaine on one. And then, you know, we had an Easter egg hunt around my property. You see, that's fun. Around where I live. This is, again, it is normal.

If everybody knows... You know what got me really mad? The guy who found most of the weed didn't smoke, and then he sold it to someone at the party. I got really pissed off. I don't even like him anymore. You know what's funny, though? That's exactly what I proposed to little Jeremy to do. Yeah, I know. I know. And I don't mind that, actually. Now that I think about that, I don't like it.

You give it away or you fucking smoke it. Well, it's also weird to put that. Now I got to move all this weed. Yeah. Like that's weird. You just give it to somebody. Yeah. Or just fucking quit being a dweeb and smoke it. Yeah, man. I'd have a panic attack, break into schizophrenia for a little while, then get medicated. If that's what your deal is going to be. Yeah. Because guess what? It gives you a cool story. And then also guess what? It gets you to be a subject of a Ben Folds five song. Breaking up.

No, the one that, you remember the guy like, Stephen's Last Night in Town. You know, I really love that album. The rest of it, it does not hold up. Really? It's very, it's not for us anymore. I remember, I love it because of high school theater. Same. And we used to always, the cute girls would always dance around, listen and do it. Oh yeah, of course. So maybe that's why I love it. Of course you do. Do you remember those little girls? Shit. Now he's off the show. Now he's off the fucking show. Fly from your plane.

With HubSpot's suite of AI-powered tools, you can get more done way faster. Speed up your lead generation and create attention-grabbing, lead-driving, quota-crushing campaigns in an instant.

Get started today at HubSpot.com slash AI. At Amica Insurance, we know it's more than just a car. It's the two-door coupe that was there for your first drive, the hatchback that took you cross-country and back, and the minivan that tackles the weekly carpool. For the cars you couldn't live without, trust Amica Auto Insurance. Amica. Empathy is our best policy.

All right, here we go. We got another one. This is just another good, short, and sweet one. Okay. Southwest flights, we love them. You know, I hate Southwest. No, I'll never go on one ever again. I'd rather walk. Well, I heard they're getting rid of the far and away type seating. Yes, they are getting rid of the strongest winds seating arrangement. I think assigned seats, bare minimum. It's the bare minimum.

bare minimum. Also, greatest thing that ever happened to the movies. I will never, I always remember how long New York held on to not having the ticketed seats. And it's like, guys, do we have to be the coolest city in the world always? This is the dumbest shit. Just fucking let us assign seats so that we can show up when the movie, when we want to. Yeah, because you would have to show up like an hour early and save a whole row for all your friends. And then they wouldn't show up late and then you're like, people are like, let me sit there. Like, I have my friend. But I do miss the game a little bit.

A little bit I miss the game. This used to be a little bit more. Because then you get to talk to your neighbor. And yell at your neighbor. So now Southwest is trying to rejuvenate itself. Now a woman, this was on from Philly to Chicago. Nothing but class. I feel like I can see this woman in my mind. This woman took off her pants. Yeah.

And... Stripped down naked. Fully nude. Yes. And short...

Took a full shit on a plane seat while it was landing. Hey, you know what? At least she waited to the landing. Yeah. Well, that's the time when you're surfing. You know, like you're just like, you never do bus surfing, you know, and you're in the aisle and you try not to touch anything. You're just surfing. You're just trying to do it. She was doing that, but on her seat while the plane's landing. I feel like it's something else. Yeah. I'm just saying I'm impressed. She was able to shit.

While it was landing. I think that... Do you think she was holding on to the back of the seat? Yes. I also feel like at this point... So she has to be staring into someone's eyes. Very much so. And I think that... Because you know what I'd do in this scenario? What? Nothing. Oh, no. I mean, what are you going to do? I would... If I sat next to this woman... Please don't. Please stop, Sam. Yeah, and that's it. That's as far as I go. I would just stare forward. I would just not react. I'm just like, let this plane land.

Let this plane land. All I want to do is exit this plane. That's it. I don't need to... You know what? I'll live with it. I'll live with this woman's cloaca-sheared shit. No, that's not the woman. People just get naked on this plane. I just saw another naked plane. You know, ah, God. I just...

Oh, the lady, ladies being naked on planes. This is another Southwest flight from a month ago. Oh, wow. Where she just stripped nude and walked around. Man, I don't know. You're going to spend this much money and fuck it all up? Yeah. It's not like flights are cheap. No. And then you're definitely going to jail. Yes. Do people go crazy in the air? And I just don't know about it. Well, one thing that is certain is we know that alcoholic drinks have an exaggerated effect. Yes. When you're in the air.

And people do tend to get real fucking lit up before getting on the plane. Yeah. Which is not, I find it to be one of the worst ideas possible. You just get sick on the plane. Yeah. Ever tell you about the woman I saw who got like fucking hammered at the bar? And I remember clocking her at the bar and being like, that chick's getting hammered.

And then I saw her get on my plane. And then in the middle of the flight, she just attacked the woman next to her, just started scratching her. And then the poor like Stuart had to like hold her down for an hour so we didn't have to land in some random city. You know, that's what's great.

Flight attendant. Yeah. Oh, honestly, I was very impressed by him. That's a great flight attendant. And then I was like, hey, man. I ratted her out. I was like, she was getting hammered at the bar. I saw her. I was like, I clocked that shit. And she was getting hammered with that chick back there. And so I ratted her out. And you know what they did? 50 bucks United money. You fucking stool pigeon. 50 bucks. You fucking narc. You fucking stoolie bitch. 50 United bucks. 50.

$50 to any foods, baby. Telling people down the river she was drinking with her. $50. You know, I get it, though. I get it. There's got to be some justice in this world. You know, it's just I don't get it. I'll never get it. But, hey, I'm also...

It's so weird. I used to like, I had the drink when I got on flights. Now it's just like a burden. Well, I like a truly favorite, super hungover, very early morning flight, one drink, I'm pass out. Oh, okay. Favorite vibe in the world. Yeah? Favorite. But you've been, what you would call it, raw dogging it lately.

I do. I raw dog flights all the time. That's wild. No music. No movies. Just sit there. Straight ahead. Yep. Why do you do that? I don't know. What do you think about? Oh, so all sorts of things. Yeah. You just get angry sometimes. Sometimes I get sad. Oh, okay. Sometimes I laugh. Oh, thank God. Sometimes I think about stuff. Sometimes in my head, I'm so- I think if you just start laughing, it's terrifying. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

You're on dog at it for two hours and all of a sudden you start giggling. Yeah. This is a funny part. This is a funny part right here. I love this movie. Just watching the flight. Just watching the flight tracker. I put that on. They think we're making it to Phoenix. Go left. Left. Shit. Shit.

No, you know what it is? Sometimes I just don't want to choose a thing to listen to or watch. Sometimes I'm so weighed down by the burden of that choice that I'd rather just sit there. And now I got your stupid fruit immersion game. I love my fruit game. So I do the stupid fruit game. It's good. It's good at not thinking. Yes. It really helps not think. I appreciate that.

One other thing I wanted to talk about. I don't know what the fuck is going on with this story. I want to know what you guys say. Sidestories, LPOTL, the gmail.com. The Connecticut Cannibal. Oh, yeah.

A man by the name of Tyree Smith. Have you heard of this man? No. Okay. Connecticut Valley Hospital. He was in, I guess, in a hospital for the criminally insane or whatever. He's in one of those. He was accused of hacking a man to death with an ax and bridge port and then eating part of the victim's brain and his eyeball. His roommate. His roommate. Yeah. Somehow. Man named was Angel. I believe that he was...

I have no idea what's going on. I know that obviously this is one of those. I hate stumbling into a thing where we're not talking about Republican talking points here. I just don't understand Republicans.

how he was allowed to get out on conditional release. So he's released. They're saying, he's stable, he's done. He's completely ready to go. Not crazy at all. But he also got in this huge fight in prison and they had to remove him from being around other inmates. Yes. And so he wasn't allowed to be around other inmates, but still, he's being released. He beat a man to death and sucked out his eyeball and ate a chunk of his brain. Yeah. And now it's just like...

All right. You've learned your lesson. You get out there. Why don't you work for Chipotle? You mean like, I don't know what this guy's going to go do. What is the Connecticut cannibal? I don't think you should be a cook. Okay.

Unless he's amazing. Like, what does he do? I feel like, again, I'm fine with... It's a conditional release, so he might end up back in... They're in like a halfway house. I just don't even know how the hell he was even allowed to have a conditional release. Because part of me, I really do believe in the idea of, if we're going to rehabilitate people, if we're going to let people back out... I want people to be rehabilitated. Utterly. And I want there to be an immediate...

portal for them to go into. I love the idea of them having some form of vocational training within jail or education or something like that that allows them to leave jail and do stuff. Right? Be able to leave prison, have a job, be a cook.

Yeah. Barber, like those types of skilled labors that don't require advanced degrees is extremely good work for somebody. But he was found officially not guilty by insanity. So that's what, I guess that's the real difference here. And I feel like I'd love to actually have somebody explain that to me. Side stories, LPOTL at gmail.com. Because I'd love to know...

Because what I've heard about getting not guilty by reasons of insanity is that oftentimes it is way worse than going to jail. Well, yeah, because you have to be in a loony bin. You have to go to a- I guess that's the wrong thing to say. I mean, I think that it's appropriate for that. I think that you can call where they're going the loony bin. I think you can call it, it's like a place for the criminally insane. Yeah. Like that type of place. I guess the loony bin's too cute.

to call it. So you know who, in my mind, it's like

Martin Bryant. Yes. He's in the loony bin. Yes. You know what I mean? Like, that guy's in the loony bin. There's another guy. It was like all of those guys. Like, people, real supervillains are in the loony bin. This guy was like put into this scenario, but what I've heard is that they can sort of keep you indefinitely, like you are supposed to be there, but it's like how can you tell when some guy's like, listen, it was a rough month for me. Totally not a cannibal anymore. And it's like,

How do you tell? How do you tell? Well, you got to put an eyeball in front of him and see if he sucks it up. I was tasting it. That's all I do. I just want a little bit of taste of it. He's sucking on his own fingers. I'm gross. Yeah. I want a hot woman. Come on, brain.

Roommate's brain. Yeah. I mean, brain. I don't think a brain would be the first part I ate. You should never eat a man's brain. No. Ever. It's extremely bad. That's how you get one of those fucking crazy, what's it, those prion diseases. Like, you shouldn't really be eating any brain, but if you are going to be eating brain, it needs to be very well cooked. We've had sweetbreads.

Sweetbreads is other glands. Oh, I thought that was brain. No, that's the thalamus gland. That's like these things. Oh. Yeah, yeah. This whole time I thought I was eating brain. No, I've had brain. When you're eating brain, they tell you it's brain. Oh, okay. I thought they were just trying to skirt around it being brain and calling it sweetbreads. They were calling it something else that's just as gross.

Technically, it is the thymus or pancreatic glands of certain animals. Okay. Yeah, so it is gross, but they are way tastier than brains. I think brains are actually really gross. Now that I know I'm eating pancreas...

Let's have some poppers, man. I love sweetbreads. Yeah. I love sweetbreads. So brain's just called fried brain? Oh, yeah. So when you ordered brain, you were like, I'll take the brain, please? Yes, I've had lamb's brain. Really? Yes. Where do you do this? That was at a place in Atlanta. That was at one of my favorite places, Holman and Finch. We went to a place. What was it called? Meat? Animal. Animal.

That was a while ago. I don't even know if it's still around. No, it's gone. It's gone. Stuff like that. I also like brain is very classically served with eggs. So they make brain and egg tacos quite often where they will cook up brain with eggs because they're actually very similar. Cooked brain is referred to as sweetbreads.

Specifically calf or lamb brains. I mean, I feel like this is Google AI. We've got to stop using Google AI. It's a mixture of different sources here. Okay, all right, all right, all right. Yes, most of the time there's a lot of brain. Yeah, it's a lot of brain. People do a lot of brain. Because again, it's like I don't mind you using all the animal, but it has to be very well cooked. Well, I hope this guy does no more crimes. You know what, Eddie? Me too. Yeah. I hope that this was his learnedest lesson ever.

And he's over it. You know what, bud? If you're listening and you're in Connecticut, I hear the pizza's great. New Haven's supposed to have the best pizza. He's in Bridgeport. Take the bus over to New Haven, and then what you do is get over there, and that's where you should focus your eating habits on. Yeah. Pizza. Yeah. Not pizza.

people. Now, I wanted to touch on this real quick, just because we talked about Lori and there's a lot of stuff going on with our Mormon talks. Ben's doing a lot of Mormon talk and stuff. Oh, yes. So, obviously, Utah, home of most Mormons, right? 80% of Mormon population. Yeah, pretty much. Apparently, I found this on Fark. I love Fark. Love Fark. First cousins can legally get married in Utah. Wow.

Congrats. Yeah, yeah. I know they've been fighting for that for a while. Yes. Because, like, it's just so hard. Because especially, you know what's great about a first cousin? It's like they're made to be fuckable for you specifically because they're in your family. Yeah, you're the puzzle pieces. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But there are stipulations. What the fuck is this? I thought this was America. You can only get married to your first cousin in Utah if both parties are over the age of 65. Ha!

So fucking gross. Or if both are 55 and unable to reproduce. Oh, great. So if you're 55 and sterile, you can marry your first cousin. So this whole thing is based off a bunch of shithead 80-year-old pedophile senators that are all like...

The difference is we can't make no web feed mongrels. Yeah. That's what we can't have. We can't have simpletons walking around with bat wings and four arms. I've known my cousin my whole life. I put my time in. I am allowed. And normally my cousin and I, we stick to oral sex. Woo!

So that no procreation can be done because I agree. I don't want a child with a fin. I don't want a child with a pterodactyl's protuberance that allows him to whistle and create a sound that can cascade for miles. What I need is the ability to fuck my... And that's the issue here. Right? Now, y'all know me. That's the issue here is we don't want no web feet. Yeah. So let's once...

Let's just have an agreement. I'm going to say the vagina graveyard is empty of eggs.

The ghosts are allowed back in the cemetery. You know what I mean? That's right. That's right. The spooky, spooky ghosts. Filling up the ghost cemetery. Once all the skeletons are out of that lady's vaginal cemetery, you could fill up all those caskets and every divot with as much liquid ghost as you could make. Oh, yeah. They are dead. Oh, yeah. They are dead. They are not moving. Guess what's not, though? Cum. Yeah. Cum never dies.

Well, I mean, if you can't, I mean, would he just be shooting dead sperm? No, it's the opposite. It's that it's also interesting is that it's still pressure on the female cousin fucker.

to not be able to have babies anymore. Because this is definitely not about condomless sex with a cousin. That's what this is about. This is about not having to worry about it. And so you could just jazz inside there. But the thing is that your cummy cum lives for forever. Tony Randall had babies until he was like 83. De Niro and Pacino just had babies. Oh yeah, absolutely. Of course their babies are half-ghosts.

Yes. They are. They come out with little gray beards. They're just going to fuck... The kid's going to be 10 when they die. Well, that's the goal. Honestly, in the end, by that point, it's fine. Then by that point, you don't want them around anymore. Yeah. You know, in Utah, you can also marry a minor. Oh, that's so nice for the entire... Not someone who digs. Oh. No, a child. Because that actually comes from my...

I have a joke about that. Yeah, you could be 16 or 17 years old. You want a preview of a little of my stand-up? I had a little stand-up idea the other day. Oh, nice. This is what I decided to write. I have a couple of stand-up ideas. Okay, let's do it. Ladies and gentlemen, coming to the stage, Henry Zabrowski. We're hitting the road. I decided to write this down. Every time I see young female teacher rapes minor, first thing I think, damn, she got through all them leather vests.

Leather vests, like a miner's protective clothing. They don't have leather vests. They got like jeans and like overalls and like, you know, like it's not a well thought out. Yeah, it's not a well thought out set up. I would say got through all the got through all the soot.

I think soot is a good one. Writing it down. Yes, yeah. Punch it up. Punch it up. But yes, the minor in Utah will need a parent or a legal guardian to sign. Oh, and that's so, you can't even get

that so that's got to be so that i mean good for the kids but that's finally some freedom senator jen plumb is actually sponsoring a bill right now to change all of that she wants to change it to um a minor can only get married if the age gap is seven to four years

So they can marry a 23-year-old with a signed permission slip. A 16-year-old. A 16-year-old can marry a 23-year-old. A 17-year-old can marry a 24-year-old. Why are you telling me what to do? If they get a signed permission slip. Why is anybody telling me what to do ever? Why not 18? Just wait. Because that's when they're old and gross, Eddie. You're right. 16 is when they're perfect.

That is when you want a wife. They're the most reasonable, and that's exactly- And they're great decision makers. And 16-year-olds are also so interesting. Yeah. They have so many thoughts to say. Yeah, wow, there's 19 U.S. states it's legal to marry a first cousin. Really? Wow. Okay. And in Vermont. Wow. And Utah's not on the list. Not in any- Soon to be added. Soon to be added. Yeah. So that makes 20. Yeah.

20 states. It's going up. Wow. We are. People say that we are fucking sliding into a fucking crevice. California's on the list. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Well, it's because we got hotter cousins here. That's right. Now, speaking of sliding into the crevice, I also want to give an opportunity to our people. So we're about to wrap up today's episode. I'm going to get some letters, but it's hard out there right now. Yeah. Economically, people are suffering.

especially deep within our rust belt in the Midwest. So I want to give a big shout out to the listeners in the Lansing area. I want you to know, I want to let you know, Saturday, May 17th, Deja Vu Showgirls, the prettiest butthole in Michigan competition is beginning. Fuck, we missed it? There? No, 17th, dude. I know, but we were just there. But it's coming up. No, but we haven't missed it yet.

The celebrity guest host Jason... I got an engagement party on the 17th. Do you think I could blow it off? My cousin Mitchell and Melody, they're going to get married and they want me to come to a pool party for their engagement. Fuck that boring ass shit. You know, they're very cute and they're very nice. They bought me a coffee maker recently for almost no reason. Suckers. But the cleanest butthole in Michigan...

How clean could the cleanest butthole in Michigan be? Prettiest. Oh, prettiest. Prettiest butthole in Michigan competition. It is Saturday, May 17th over at Deja Vu Showgirls. The celebrity guest hosts Jason Vest and Yiddy Lunch.

I never heard of him. Who is... Not Kid Rock. Oh, it's a... Who is Yiddy Lunch? Interesting. It's a man. No, that one, that contestant was a man. Oh, okay. So it's a co-ed competition. I think that Yiddy Lunch was... Is this a male strip club? No.

No, I don't know. There's a woman getting real close to that butthole with a camera. Well, that's just because, again, she is the person doing the footage. Interesting. So this is Yiddy Lunch, which I do believe he was on something. He's on a couple of these. He did Prettiest Butthole in Michigan, I guess.

Last year. Oh, okay. So this is last year they did it, the Deja Vu, Showgirls, Lansing. I want to see who won it. The pink package is $500. See, you have two level of tickets here. Obviously, we don't want to cut into our own ticket sales, but the pre-sale ticket is only a $30 ticket. That's just for admission, but...

You can get the pink package for five guests for $500. Oh, it's sold out. The whole show's sold out. You have to be a contestant to get there. Oh, you could be a judge for five grand. Five grand you're going to be a judge. But the VIP seating allows you to get up close. It's sold out. Wow. The pink package is sold out. And guess what you get?

You get also a meet and greet with the winner of the competition. Now, the reason why we're even talking about this is obviously Jodi Arias has one of the nicest buttholes in all of true crime. But I wonder... But she's in Arizona. She's incarcerated. She can't get there. And so who do we think in true crime...

currently, would we put up for the prettiest butthole in Michigan? In Michigan? I don't even know who commits crimes in Michigan. A lot of people. Most people. Maybe, uh... I know it's not in the Damakong Sioux.

Who's that? Defensive lineman. No. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would say prettiest butthole in Michigan. Bob Seger's niece. Ugh, Eddie. Just the term niece. Just the term niece. She's like 60 probably. Yeah, I imagine.

All right, celebrities from Michigan. Oh, wow. Selma Blair. Selma Blair's got a great butthole. Madonna definitely has got a great butthole. I don't know if Madonna currently has a great butthole. I bet you her butthole now is probably more refurbished than ever. Verne Troyer's dead.

I'm sorry. But honestly, though, if it wasn't Vern Troyer, it would be my number one choice. Elaine Stritch? Elaine Stritch more like it. Ladies, new lunch. Everybody laugh. Eminem? I bet Eminem has a very beautiful butthole. I think Anthony Kiedis' child bride. Dax Shepard? I mean, how do you beat Dax Shepard? He is the prettiest asshole in Parkham.

I imagine if there was one beautiful asshole in podcasting, Stevie Wonder does not have a nice asshole. Yes, he does. He doesn't know if it's clean or not. Yes, he does. He has people who watch and he's been doing it enough. No. We now know, right? Eddie, what did we learn from Motown? We went to the Motown Museum. Yes. And we learned that Stevie Wonder, the guy that started Motown, innocent guy.

He's Sir Barry Gordy, one of the most innocent people. Never did anything wrong. Not a single wrong thing. Not a one thing. He definitely, he set up this thing where they had a house where the guy, one of the guys that was on the crew would go ahead of time to the places the original Motown performers were going to perform live. He would draw up the dimensions of the stage. Yeah, like they had no living room. They would just perform in it. Yes, and so they would...

get everybody used to the stage and one of the ways they taught young stevie wonder how to do stuff was that they would set up the stage inside of this house to the letter and show him this is how many steps it takes to get this 15 steps to the microphone this is the steps to get to the chair and so he's he would work it and work it to the point which started the conspiracy theories that stevie wonder could see right all this stuff which i still believe he could see i utterly believe he could see

But I think that's a part of it. And I also think that you wipe your butthole for this long and you're blind. I bet you. Sidestorieslpotl at gmail.com. My blind listeners. How clean is your butthole? I bet you. They don't know. No, I bet you their buttholes are cleaner than anybody else because their fingers are more sensitive. And they can smell it.

Their sense of smell is better than ours. I mean, I don't know. That's a very daredevil way. Yeah, they can be like, oh, it don't smell like shit. That's very... Well... Yeah. I don't... If I'm not... I still think Dax Shepard has the prettiest asshole in Michigan. Send your vote in. Oh, Richard Kiel. Oh.

Oh, yes. The guy from Jaws from The Spy Who Loved Me and Moonraker. Man, you know Jack White's asshole is a mess. No, I want nowhere near Jack White's asshole. That is a dirty, dirty asshole. I want nowhere near that asshole. Chris Webber, fucking and one. Same time, though, I weirdly think that Swish, Elaine Stritch,

She might not have that bad of an asshole from back in the day. I think Elaine Stritch probably was a wonder. She was in theater. Unless she had the big old roids. Yeah. But hey. Oh, yeah. Look at that. Ladies who lunch. Hopefully that lunch included some salads. Stritch me, baby. Let's get some letters.

Number one, got a lot of pushback about our friend Captain Ron talking about the telepathy tapes. I do agree. I started listening to the telepathy tapes. Part of what they're saying is that they do believe that extremely autistic, nonverbal autistic people can communicate telepathically. There is some, like...

It's so hard because at the very end of the series, it's like some things are interesting. The idea that maybe close family bonds, we don't really that can create some kind of telepathic communication. The idea that we don't understand when consciousness is, we don't know where it comes from. I still believe that that's a big question. We don't really know what makes us us and why we are us and where we come from as our like literally where our personalities come from.

But then it starts going into the idea that nonverbal autistic people can predict the future. What if some of them can? I mean, I hope. And then where were they? Where were they then? They were screaming and no one listened. Exactly. But then there is also some people that, like, they believe that they can, they're talking to ghosts and they're doing, so it kind of goes off the rails a little bit. But, you know, it's not, it's just. It's very popular. They're going to speak at contact. We should talk.

Go and watch. We should challenge them. I don't know about that. I should be like, what am I thinking? Oh, scan me. Scan me. Scan me.

scared me. What am I thinking? So there's that. We've got the mummified pope. Quick story. Yeah. While I was in high school, we took a class trip to Europe and one of our stops was Vatican City. It was the creepiest, most uncomfortable place I've ever visited. The combination of the giant walls surrounding the city trapping us inside, my Catholic guilt, even at a young age, I knew it was all bullshit, and the fact that every single person there seemed miserable, I

I truly felt sick. The most interesting, surprising part of the visit was going down into the catacombs underneath the cathedral.

There were grottos carved out into these walls where, I shit you not, the mummified corpses of the former popes were displayed behind glass. Cool. You're not supposed to take photographs down there, but I did manage to sneak one because I knew that my friends back home wouldn't believe this wild tale. No, I believe it. They said they attached it, but it's not here. It's in the other email. I want to see it. I'll show it to you. I want to see a dead pope. Yeah, I'll show you one. I can look it up. Thank you. In a month. Ha ha.

I'll show you another one. Oh, we're going to have a 30-day pope. Yep. I'm going to show you another one, man. Look, there's one. Okay. Well, that's the newest one, right? That's the last one. That's the hot shit. That's the new hotness. That's the hot new realness. That's the hot new pope. Yum, yum. Hot new dead pope. Oh, yeah. Watch out. Don't put him on the New York subway. Oh, no. Because he's got a lot of stuff to steal. That's fine. He's laying on his back. It's probably still take three guys to steal all the stuff off of his body, but it still would only take one. I call the yarmulke. Yep.

I want his little shoes. I love the little shoes. The little shoes are my favorite one. I love the little tiny shoes. But yeah, so a lot of people. We'll stop talking about the Pope soon, guys. Yeah. I promise. And then we have this last little story. It's really got nothing to do with the show, but it works. All right, let me hear it. Have you ever asked the question, could I fight that goose? You now have a point of reference for how badass the goose are.

Recently, a wild Canadian goose flew into an open-air tiger habitat at the Columbus Zoo. This happens pretty frequently. There's always a mallard duck or two mixed in with the flamingos. In cases where native wildlife interact with predators, it usually results in some unplanned culinary enrichment, as the keepers would say. However, when this tiger thought they found a snack, they wound up with a face full of feathered fury.

The goose dodged swipes until they figured out to flap their attacker away. The tiger ran the other way, and zookeepers later confirmed there were no signs of the goose left in the habitat. Wow. A fucking goose.

Put that shit down, dude. Goose fuck you up. The tiger wanted nothing to do with the goose. Oh, it's just a friendly tiger. No, it's a hungry tiger. It doesn't understand the problems with this fucking goose. I don't think it was trying to eat it as much as it was just trying to play with it. And then the goose came after it. Sounds like the goose was really escalating the scenario. Goose slapped the shit out of him. Yeah, goose literally slapped the shit out of him. Man, that tiger's a pussy.

I feel bad for the tiger. I feel like the tiger could have taken out that goose. Someone should shoot that goose in the head and feed it to the tiger. Come on. Let's nature rebalance itself. Goose suck. Yeah, they are horrible. They got big shits and dogs eat the shits. I hate goose. I hate geese. My mom hated goose. Yeah, I hate the goose. I hate all goose. Oh, God, Eddie.

Wow, we've made it to the end of an episode. Happy birthday. Wow, it really feels like it. Happy, happy, happy birthday. I am so overwhelmed with the support I've received over the years that I just want to say thank you all, you dirty fucks. Oh, Rob got you a birthday. He got me. And Robert, you got me a birthday eclair. Oh, Rob.

Oh, my God. That's so nice. Oh, yeah. You fucking take that, Eclair. Oh, yeah. Yeah, birthday boy. Yeah, you take it. It's got Dookie on top and it's got cum in the middle of it. Yeah, you fucking love you, Eclair. Oh, fuck, yeah. Oh, yeah. How far can you get it in? Not far. That's not far, but, you know, it's enough. Mm-mm.

Oh, wow. Wow, you're really, you've eaten two-thirds of this thing already. Oh, my God. I didn't think you really were going to have any of it. Now it's almost gone. I went from aroused to jealous to sick. You know I like porters. Happy birthday, man. Happy birthday to you. Yes. Oh, yeah. God, it's all gone. That's a fully clear...

Down to Zebrowski. Not even a fucking shred of a left. Not even, I thought it'd be. It's like a goose. I just got some fucking culinary enrichment. Yeah, so it's Henry's birthday. Let him know. Say happy birthday online. Let him know. Send some pudding to the studio. Buy tickets for something. Yeah, buy tickets to the Fort Lauderdale show. We're coming, baby. Buy tickets to one of the things. Before the report. Before the report.

The foreign report. Oh, yeah. Got his own YouTube channel. You got to love every day knowing for a fact we're migrating things to his own YouTube channel. Yeah. And you got to laugh knowing for a fact that these guys try and understand how the algorithm works for 15 years in the business. Oh, also. And you're going to love the fact you're going to live on the fact that a foreign report is the best thing.

It's a really great show. It's a reasonable show about world events. Yes. And if you like this show, it's nothing like it. But you guys will love the Foreign Report. It's actually important. Cena's one of the smartest people I've ever met. Yes. I love watching the Foreign Report. Yes, it's very, very good. So check out their YouTube channel, Foreign Report, on YouTube. Go subscribe and all that shit. Go to lastpodcastandleft.com. Buy all our tickets everywhere. Yeah. No, also, last puppy benefit envelope.

This has happened very quickly. We put this together. We are doing a benefit for the dogs and families and pets. I can't believe I'm fostering a dog right before this event. Yes, we are going to. Just a little bit of an example of what this is. We come out to the Masonic Theater in Washington.

In Los Angeles at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery, May 23rd. What we are doing is a... It's a benefit for puppies and pets and the families affected during the wildfires that had pets and puppies that needed... That were displaced. Yes. It's not just for puppies. It's for all dogs. But we're going to have puppies there for you to play with. And so that's going to be a lot of fun. This is the key. It's very... And puppies... It's us and puppies. So this is like...

I mean this. You're going to flip out over this shit. It's only $40. It all goes to charity. For an hour, you get to just hang out with puppies. Yeah. And us. And there's a food truck, but the food truck serves normal food. Yes. Not dog food. Yeah. And then we did not...

fully know that we were going to be doing this, but we're going to be doing a full show thing. Yeah, we're doing a full thing. We're doing a full thing there too, so it's not the live show that we're doing. No dogs in space is going to be there. They're going to talk about dog songs, I guess. Yeah, I think so. You come out to this, it is going to be...

Jesus. You ate that eclair too fast. Let me take care of this. Pups Without Borders is the people we're working with and also the Masonic Lodge in Hollywood forever. Thank you all of you for helping us put this together. We are going to save some dogs.

All right, we're going to it. Toto is buried at the cemetery. We're going to save some dogs. We're going to dig him up. All four of them. We got Toto 2, 3, 7, and 11 are buried there. Yes, that's great. Also, just remember, Flipper committed suicide on my birthday. Yes. I forgot about this. Yeah, Flipper committed suicide on Henry's birthday. So always remember that. And happy birthday, Henry. One less dolphin.

One less sad dolphin. Yeah, I mean, he was not... He was in a good mood. He'd be different. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was just dragging ass. Hell yeah. Happy birthday, buddy. Oh, I forgot to talk about the mud fossil stuff. We'll get into that next week. Oh, yeah, yeah. And the people in Alabama who took their... They were supposed to spread their mother's ashes, but they just took the urn and threw it off a pier. God, that's such a good idea. Such a good idea. Gonna be filled with crabs. Well, we love you.

We'll see you on the Patreon, huh? Come see us. Earn this. Earn. Hail Satan. And I'll see you all in hell. Hail you, buddy. Happy birthday. Thank you, buddy. I'll see you in hell. Great. Fucking piece of shit. Fuck us all. I'm gonna die here. I love you, Julie. I love you.

The early days of figuring it out.

to the later years of still figuring it out. For the place you've put down roots, trust Amica Home Insurance. Amica. Empathy is our best policy.