Side Stories: The Zizian Cult Murders
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Hi, I'm Sarah Silverman, and I want to invite you to Arena Stage this February to see my semi-autobiographical, semi-conscious, but fully enjoyable new musical, The Bedwetter. It's a story about growing up different from everyone else, the insanity of family, being a bedwetter, and a dash of clinical depression.

In other words, it's about the year I was 10. The Bedwetter, February 4th to March 16th, only at Arena Stage. Visit arenastage.org for tickets today. There's no place to escape to. This is the Lost Podcast. On the left. Side stories? That's when the cannibalism started. Side stories. Yes. Man, last night it was, um...

Mulholland Drive. Ooh. I'm going through it back. Obviously, just the full David Lynch. Yeah. I'm still stuck in it. I watched some Twin Peaks last night. I'm still working on it. It's great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's great. But man, you just forget just how sexy that movie is. I haven't seen it since the theater. That's good. I just remember the little old lady by the dumpster. That's a man, but played by a lady. Oh, okay. But it's labeled as a man. The character is a man, but it's played by the lady that plays the nun. Oh.

So I'm kind of right. You are. Yeah, but that's pretty good. 20 year memory. It's pretty good. It's also, I just forget because also forgot that it has like, he had published the nine things to remember while watching Mulholland Drive.

to kind of pull it apart a little bit better. And it's great. I forgot, like, oh, the movie actually makes a lot more sense than people say. Yeah. It makes a lot of sense. I'm sure I won't have any idea what's going on. You will. I promise you. Especially once the movies come out, then you're like,

Those are movies, yeah. Yeah, you're like, oh, and I know what that is. Lost Highway made almost no sense. Lost Highway makes far less sense than Mulholland Drive. Yeah. But I think that... There's a sliver of sense. I viewed Lost Highway as his most pop-savvy film because his soundtrack got so big. Oh, that was a huge soundtrack. It was a huge soundtrack where Mulholland Drive is his best movie. Okay. Which is so good. And then Blue Velvet's wonderful, but it's his most understandable movie. I feel like Blue Velvet, yeah, is the most... Except for the straight story, but it's not for me.

That's fine. A lot of people, I do, I'm glad to see how many things he can. Straight Story is a children's movie, right? He made a PG movie for Disney that was extremely straightforward, that was very well lit and acted. It's just painfully boring. Oh, I can't wait. That sounds right up my alley. It's what you like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love a boring movie. And welcome to a boring podcast. My name is Henry Zebrowski. This is Side Stories. I'm sitting here with Ed Larson. I'm so sorry.

because of all the

boring things in my life. I wish that I had more exciting things to do, which is why, you know what actually really helps? What helps? Methamphetamine. Dude, I spent so long. I almost forgot that it existed. If you want to add some, like a pinch of excitement, smoke meth. Yeah, because the vitamin C just ain't cutting it. Tell me, chia seeds? It is not exciting me at all. I am smoking meth and I feel vivacious.

I am ready for work. I'm productive. I'm having sex with my wife five, six times a day. Yeah. How about the men? Are you having sex with them again? Yes. Two, three times a day. Whenever there's a man around me, especially a police officer that I'm trying to score meth from, I'll suck his fucking dick. I'll put his baton in my ass. Yeah, it's great. I love to smoke out of a light bulb with a cop. You really should. You try it. Mm-hmm.

You guys smoke teeth at home? You should smoke teeth. Don't smoke teeth out in the streets. If you're going to smoke your teeth, smoke them at home. See, I thought you were about to segue into promo for our live shows. Oh, we can. We can. If you want to smoke some teeth with us, we got a big one. Ooh, ooh-wee, baby. Ooh-wee. Ooh-wee, baby. Ooh-wee. Won't you let me take you on a city cruise? That's right. Whoa. Man.

That is right. That's right. Side stores is hitting the seas. We're going to be a crime wave coming your way on Royal Caribbean. Oh, yes. So we're doing this crime wave. I saw many people say on sale on Friday. Yes, they do. I many people ask, is this I thought this was a bit.

No. I thought you guys were making this up. No. Go to the Royal Caribbean website. You can buy tickets starting this Friday for Crime Wave. Yeah. We are providing the comedy. And I mean it. We are going to. Eddie and I have already decided one of our bits. We're going to choose top five women on the boat to push off. And the top five guys who look like they're going to push. Exactly. We are going to have so much fun. And I say our hope. Honestly, I hope we only lose about.

10% of the audience. Yeah, yeah, yeah. To crime. Because here's the thing. If you want to come and you want to see us, this is a vacation you should plan. It leaves out of Fort Lauderdale. Go to crimewaveatsea.com slash left to get your tickets on Friday. It's from November 3rd to November 7th. And I cannot truly stress this enough. This is going to be one of the oddest weekends of all.

All of our lives. I don't even know why we said yes. You've got to come to this because I don't know if we're going to do it again. But when you're not doing it again, I don't know. I mean, unless it's the funnest thing that we've ever done. So you're going to come out. We're going to have a blast. And our goal is to bring the true crime to the other two thirds of the boat that doesn't know that there's a true crime coming.

happening on their cruise. Yes, that is the beauty of all this. We are going to info dump. We are going to go to that karaoke night, which I'm going to probably host, and I'm going to get a hold of that mic, and I'm going to tell everybody about the Black Dahlia. I'm going to tell everybody about Andre Ticatillo. I'm

I'm going to ruin the cruise for everyone else for the sake of you. Come and watch us. We're going to have a fucking blast. So that's one announcement. Another announcement. Oh, I'm going to host a belly flop contest. Hopefully. I've told them it's one of my demands. We have to get an insurance, though. Yes. Oh, really? Apparently. Oh, okay. Just because some people don't know how to properly belly flop. Is there insurance in the middle of the sea? Sure.

But yeah. But no, I feel like when you flop into the belly, because this is the problem truly about people that a lot of people think they can belly flop. Yeah. But you got to be really pretty fat. Oh, there's lots of bloody noses when it comes to the belly flop contest. It's a big part of it. A skinny lady. I've seen a skinny lady belly flop and bounce off the water and go off the pool. Yeah, they skip. So again, think about your BMI.

Yeah, that's a big thing there. Make sure you're huge. Yes, please. And we want to also, a little other announcement.

If you happen to ever hear a pro-Trump commercial on our show, it is some kind of digital artifact. A lot of times they lie, especially people within the Trump administration. They lie, especially evangelical right people, about what the frame of the ad is. They then sell it on a big group style, however they do it, to these digital companies. And then they just put it in without our permission because under no uncertain terms, President Trump can absolutely

Absolutely go fuck himself. Go fuck. Go eat shit. Go suck shit. But that's the last we're going to talk about it because I'm not going to let us become Jimmy Kimmel. We do not want to talk about this motherfucker. We're just forced to talk about it because he keeps invading your beautiful ear holes. We're just letting you know we're working on it and that man...

I can't wait to see his grave. Oh my God. The mayonnaise burgers are going to take him down at some point. Very, very soon. And we have another update. Yes, obviously, which I should have pressed you more on last time. What happened? Is that I did know this, but I do want to ruin this for you. What? Dogs will eat you when you die. Not all of them. It's a some do. It has happened. Yes. Yes. But for the most part, cats eat more than dogs eat more. So here we go. This comes from a vet clinic.

Yeah. What?

We had these three clients that were a pair of sisters in their 80s and one of their daughters in her 60s. Funniest old ladies with the most stereotypical little dogs, mini poodles, crusty eyes, awful teeth and all. One day I answered the phone and it's the daughter of one of the older two. Her aunt had been found dead in her apartment the day before and she wanted to schedule an appointment to bring her poodles in for a checkup with the veterinarian ASAP.

Her aunt had been deceased for a couple of days at least before someone had checked on her. And in the time, the dogs...

each no more than four kilograms, had eaten most of her face, especially her lips and nose, the tips of her ears. Luckily, the dogs, they were happy, healthy, and never had any health issues stemming from their little snack. The niece, new owner of the dogs, was distraught, and I felt terrible for her, but I will never get the image of those three little dogs cuddling with her while licking her face in the waiting room.

Yeah, I would say, you know, that's fine. You know, some poodles, they'll eat you a little bit, you know, and they didn't go hard on her. Not nipple, they're hungry. They were fucking knocking. A little lip, some earlobes. It's not what we're really talking about. That's not bad. No, no, no, no. I think that's okay. That's fine. All I know is Tootsie has seen a lot of death. Oh, yes. And she hasn't eaten anybody.

Well, see, Tootsie's one of those dogs I can imagine. You know, like... She's a picky eater. But after World War II in Russia, they had these massive food shortages. And she was there. Yes. Yes. And I think that Tootsie would have done very well in the cannibal runs of post-World War II Russia, where the people were forced to eat the sickest child of the neighborhood and eat all the dogs and eat all the cats. I could see Tootsie there being on the right side, quote-unquote, of history, being like...

Yes. Yes. Eat the infant. Yes. I could see her being like, oh, I heard that grandma was coughing. Like, I could feel like she knows. Yeah. She could do that. She knows how to survive. Yes. I know that at least one dog, a couple dogs have eaten their owners after they died. I'm just saying as a whole, all cats do it.

Most dogs don't. Yes. I'm sticking to my guns on this. Sure, you're allowed. But I also want to bring something up to you that I brought up to you when I was venting to you about our veterinary experience because we also just went to the vet. Yeah. And I thought it was really funny. So our little dog, Wendy, right? She's got her fucking little mohawk. Yeah. Dyed purple because we're a childless couple with extra money and we don't care. Yeah. And so what we did was that we're sitting there with Wendy and this lady is

The most typical L.A. woman I've ever seen. How old, if you don't mind me asking? Anywhere from 25 to 60. Oh, okay. That's a big gap. You know that type of L.A. woman? Yeah. She could be any one of those ages and looks great for any one of those decades. An Ellen Barkin type. Yes. Put emphasis on the Barkin. This bitch was. And so what she did was she asked us, she saw that we had dyed the hair of Wendy, and she said,

Oh, my God, who did that? And we're like, oh, we have this little, we go to this little spa for the dog, you know, we take her to a spa and get a groomer or whatever. That's nice. Yes. And she was like, I was wondering if they do a procedure. So my dog's face is getting so gray. Uh-huh. As it does. Can we just dye her face gray?

Like, black. So that she can look young again. And we're just sitting there looking at this woman. And my first thing is so like... This is your vet? This is my vet. No, this is the... And the vet's... This is in the lobby. Oh, in the lobby. This is the waiting room. This is the lady. If it was your vet, that would be... But then she looked at me. And so my problem is, and I don't want to joke, I was like, well...

The thing is, it's that, yeah, honestly, with her, we were trying to get her face re-dyed because, obviously, she's so old. I don't know what to do with her. And we've been trying to figure out. What I asked our groomers if we could get her some filler. Yeah. Up in here, we get some filler. This woman did not react to me. Did not react. Like, almost seemed curious. Yeah. And then we just moved on. Natalie wanted to go, we go in the vet. Yeah.

You go inside of the vet. Imagine a dog with big, beautiful lips. That's all I thought about. I thought it was fun. I go into the vet. We're talking about all this stuff. She's like, is there anything else you want to do for Wendy? I make the same joke. I go in there and I say to the vet. Because you know it works. Yes, I know it's funny. You're running your material. She didn't laugh, but I'm sitting here. So I say to the vet. We're sitting there in a moment of silence. And I was like, let me tell you, do you recommend anybody that does, like local, that does dog filler? Because obviously Wendy is just not...

super hot anymore. And so, but the vet did not react. Right. And she said, yeah, I guess you got one too. My husband's a comedian as well. And Natalie was like, yeah, yeah, he is a comedian. And I'm sitting here. I am one. You are one. Your husband is just some funny guy at an office somewhere. Now you're yelling. I am one though. I am a comedian.

And how hard is that to be screaming? Yes. Go! Recognize me! Do you know? Yeah. Did you start telling her your credits? No. Did you tell her about the SNL thing? I stayed in silence. Because I have class. I stayed in silence. I was naked! Do you know how I was shamed at a high level?

Do you know? But no, no. Yeah, that's a little. That's just, you know, what you get. And that's what you can get to experience if you go to a vet in Los Angeles. Well, you know, one thing that I've learned and the reason why I asked you about your vet's age is I'm very ageist when it comes to vets. You've talked about that. I don't want no young vet. I know. I like a young. I like 50 and over. I like that. So is it for vets? Fifty? Otherwise, they ain't seen the shit.

They don't know what's going on. But sometimes they're just like, kill it. That's what the young ones have always telling me to kill it. Kill it. And the old ones are like, see what he's got. Well, Tootsie's...

Tooksies almost can fucking buy alcohol. I'm talking about Rambo. Bunch of kids were like, kill him. He's dead. Who? These guys at the emergency vet a year ago. Well, again, they just don't want to deal with it. Exactly. And then the old timers are like, ah, see what happens. Because they're old. And they don't want somebody, they don't want their daughter to show up and say, kill it. That's what I'm saying. Old vets, good. Young vets, bad.

Work on it. Wow. Get better. We're going to get so many emails. They want Friday's offense. We have so many. They should have it. It's hard. Side stories, LPO, field, email. I'm pro young, able veterinarians. We need them. I'm pro if you want to actually show up to work and do your goddamn job. They do sometimes. They're like, oh, I got a family. My kid's got a game. I got stuff to get to. No, you work till 8. Let's get to some news. Okay. Because I already feel it.

Refill the waves. I want the hate. I know. I know. It's called engagement. Right from your grave. T-Mobile 5G home internet keeps getting better. Get our fastest connection loaded with benefits. Get T-Mobile's best home internet starting at 55 bucks a month without a pay in any voice line. Plus, price lock. We won't raise your rate on internet. Check availability at T-Mobile.com slash home internet.

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I'm getting over there. I'm working on Putin. And to be honest, I do feel like with a couple of dialogue choices from now, I think I'll get to romance him, which I think in the end is going to do us all a lot better that he's happy. I think that if I can use this Russian and Babel's power to get me to learn Russian as fast as humanly possible, I can end this global conflict and kiss Vladimir Putin on national television.

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This is one of the toughest to decipher stories. Okay. I've had to pull apart in a minute.

And it doesn't largely make sense, but we are at the very beginning of this. And the only reason why I even wanted to kind of broach it with our peoples was because it's interesting. It's unique. We haven't seen something like this yet. It's our wheelhouse for sure. And it's in our wheelhouse. And I just want to track this story for a while and see where it goes. So this is a it's very confusing. So just try to follow along with me.

All right. Disinvolves. Are you talking to them or me? The humans on the show. I never talk to you. Thank you.

I hate shit. So this involves a cult. Now, they call themselves, I guess they've known themselves, they kind of claim themselves as a group called the Zizians. Fuck yeah, man. Which was built upon... Zipping on some ziz or... There's nothing cool about this. Really? Okay. Like, literally, like, the only thing that is sort of cool about it is the fact it's the first...

hyper, like, hyper, hyper left wing. It's a, what they call extreme vegan. Okay. Trans death cult. Really? Right? Do vegans murder? Well, these guys believe in extreme veganism. They also believe in a system of thought that is so...

fucking stupid and academic that all it does is confuse people and it's why people have a hard time with left-wing ideology in the first place. It's a bunch of word salad that never mind when a cult leader gets involved with it, it makes it even deeper word salad and convinces a bunch of vulnerable people in the most vulnerable place possible, especially in mid-transition. They are literally courting people and

weaponizing them against what they consider to be low-level offenders. So these guys are, right now, they are implicated. This group is implicated in six murders. Whoa. One of them. That's crazy. Yes. That's a lot. But right now, we're not quite certain yet. We don't know if they did it. It's not official official. No. They're accused. The two murders that have definitely been tied to members of this group was one, a man by the name of Curtis Lindh.

who was an 82-year-old landlord who stabbed to death in Vallejo, California. Okay. And then, on the other side of the fucking country, David Milland, a border... I believe he's a border patrol agent, was also killed...

in Vermont. The two suspects in those two separate, but according to police, they now are saying that they are connected. One was the suspect for the Vallejo murder was Maximilian Snyder and Teresa Youngblut was for the Vermont one. And now we know that Youngblut has been arrested and so has Maximilian Snyder. I am sorry if I'm also dead naming anyone. I will say that some of the writing on this, the Newsweek

Newsweek did a breakdown of the story and that that whole building needs to just be shut down. Newsweek used to be reputable. That article was fucking unreadable. And it's supposed to make it all make sense. I'm not quite certain because a lot of these people within this group were transitioning.

So some of them are reporting them as their new names and some of them are reporting them as their dead names. And I have no idea which is which. Well, if they haven't officially changed their name and committed a crime, I imagine... They would be known as their legal name. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. But it's, again, it's all over the place. But they are, the whole thing is that...

What these people have done is created a school of thought where they don't believe in surrender and they believe in this kind of it's a fight between the good and the non-good. And they have this decision making process called functional decision theory that comes from some highfalutin old school ideological, some kind of like left wing concept about you're not making decisions right.

Every day. I'm butchering this, but it seems one of the layman terms to kind of describe this is that it's very similar to Euronymous in the Batavia series. Okay. Where all decisions are, there's no quantifiable morality that can be put on your decision making. What you're deciding between when you make a decision, you're not deciding between results. You're deciding between strategies to get results.

So the strategies, so they all you're caring about is the strategy. You don't really care if the results are good or bad because those things don't matter. They view themselves as double good, which means they view themselves at some kind of form. They said it's extreme altruism mixed with extreme veganism, which means death to all people that are not vegan. And they also are in the sovereign citizen world where the goal is to constantly control

to engage in an aggravating way people of low-level authority to the point where violence gets involved. So why did they kill the border agent in Vermont? Was he bringing in moose meat or something? Essentially what happened is that the two people that were pulled over, they were part of this supposed group. The Zizians. The Zizians. They got pulled over. They had already been tracked.

These two people were at a hotel a couple of days before. They looked suspicious. They were dressed all in black, carrying guns around, being really, really extra, looking like Columbine killers, right? Know that if you're going to commit such crimes, if you're wearing that type, people are going to notice. Well, they're doing it on purpose. They're doing it to be noticed. And so they get told that they got someone from the hotel, called the police and said, I'm worried about these people. The hotel manager went to go talk to them. They said they're just staying in town to go look at property that they're going to buy.

So the police are already aware of their presence. They get stopped. And it's literally just within the traffic stop that they decide to shoot at these officers. They just pull their guns and start shooting. Oh, OK. Because they just decided that they were being persecuted. And now is the time to begin to shoot. They both got shot. Both suspects were shot. But the cop that got shot died. Did they live?

Yes. Well, one of them lived. Okay. That young blood who is now going into jail. The other, on the other side of the world, in California, that a man by the name of Lind, who was a landlord who owned this piece of land, had a group of these Zizians live in what they believe, one of their big concepts, another one, is this, um,

They don't necessarily believe in personal property as well. So one of the big ideas... They shouldn't have signed the lease. Of course. The central character of the story is known by the dead name of Jack Lasoda. And what they have put together is a series of, like, from their blog, right? They had a blog called Sincereously...

where they wrote all of these very, very long-winded theories about rationalism. This whole thing is an AI vegan cult. But they hate AI. No, yes. Well, they believe that AI needs to be risk mitigated.

They work in risk management. These are all people. Everybody seems to be involved within the Zizi. They work in risk management, but they're out here killing people. Exactly. But they are. But it's because they believe that there's a war that is going to be happening between the good and the non good, whatever this means. But this is person for a while was living with the called the rationalist fleet. One of their jobs, the concept.

was we'll live for free on boats in the water, which just didn't work. It didn't work. Boats are very expensive. Money pits. Don't ever buy one. And it costs money to pay. Two best days of having a boat, do you buy it? Do you sell it? Amen, brother. That was a big problem. And so what happened was that a group of these Isians...

were living in... Every time you say their name, you sound drunk. Zizian! Come here, Zizian! Come here, Zizian! I saw you kissing the piano player! But they were living on giant storage boxes, these big, like, what do you call... What are you... They're like...

Import. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you call it? Storage containers. Yeah, storage containers. Containment units. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They were living in containment units on this guy's land. During the rent moratorium of 2020 in the California area, they had all... He stopped charging them all rent. Once the moratorium ended,

ended the 80 year old man showed back up to say hey i'd like to get rent from you guys now right or you're gonna get exicted yes and then they did the exicting by fucking stabbing him to death and so they all attacked him he'd already had run-ins with this group before right now and then another member of the zizians god it's so rare you feel bad for a landlord right

And it's like, another member of the Zizians killed their parents. So that's the other, like, two deaths that are floating around. We're trying to figure out exactly how organized they are. But all of this comes from the internet, and all of it's about being aggressively against anybody that is not...

in their philosophical system. So when did this all break? Is this new? Or is this like, have they been around for a while now? A couple of years. The thing where it really kicked off is that there was a protest in the, there was a protest where it first kicked off where the, Ziz is now in jail. There was a protest at this place called the Center for Applied Rationality, which is hilarious because these are all, I also love that all of these reactionary things

essentially terrorists and cult members all call themselves rationalists. Oh yeah. Because the idea that it's believing that human intelligence will save us. Yeah. Has the whole world gone crazy when you're the one who's gone crazy? Yes. And then AI will also help us if we, we properly mitigate the risk. But the, this place for center applied rationality was a local kind of outreach about this rationalist thought. And,

And Ziz decided, apparently, that they weren't, first of all, weren't being included, then eventually turned into really histrionic accusations

of CIFAR essentially telling them that they were like saying that she, that they were attacked by CIFAR, like making shit up. Then they did a bad protest at this place during this big meeting and the way they were dressed, people thought they were there to kill everybody instead of doing a protest because they were dressed all scary and they were holding guns. And so they all got arrested. So they're all currently in jail. Right now, the whole crowd

The whole cult's in jail?

That is fascinating. It's zizians.info. And I will say it doesn't make any sense. And if you, please, somebody try to explain to me what in the living hell functional decision theory and this idea of hemispherical thought and unhemispheric sleep. That's what they were trying to teach them to sleep with one half of their brains at another. They're also cutting people off from their family. The big thing with Ziz was telling brand new members, essentially like your parents don't get you, you need to kill them. Oh yeah. And, uh, you know,

Again, whether your parents get you or not, don't kill them. Because when it comes down to them not getting you is why you're cool. Okay? If your parents get you, you're not cool. Or they are. Oh, yeah. And you're real dumb. And that's annoying. Yeah, that sucks. When your parents are cooler than you. I don't even want to think about that. Yeah. What that's like. So, up with Riz...

down with this. So go and check it out. Go try to fucking pull this apart. It's just all over the place. I just thought it was a it's fun to see a baby Colt and also see how you know what I will say truly

These Zoomer cult leaders, you need to spend more time outside of your fucking phones. Okay? If you're going to be a Zoomer cult leader, how many of you are going to know my alphas? My gen alphas are fucking cult leaders. You need to get out there and you need to start working on your interpersonal skills. Yeah. Okay? Meet some people. You can't hold a cult together with blogs alone. It's not how it works. You need to physically control them. I'm not saying to do it. I'm saying what you should do.

If you want to be better at being a cult leader, you're going to need to go out there and meet people. I'm sorry. I know you're anxious.

But you're going to have to go out there and say hi to people if you want your cult to stick together and eventually be attacked by the fucking ADF. Yeah, and also, you know, we got to work on these outfits. Seriously. This is crazy. I caught guys. Like, you're dressed at home. If you're not employed, make a costume. Make a uniform for your fucking cult. A tie-dye muumuu.

or some shit? None of you guys are making good shit for the future. No. Where's my solar? I want my fucking Order of the Solar Temple, but now. Yeah, I want like headbands and shit. Stop killing just randos and just kill yourself. Yes. Like the old school. The real cool.

cult. Just fucking kill yourself. The aliens are coming and you gotta kill yourself to meet them. But first, you know, just do something fun with it. Yes. But Zisters of Mayhem would be a better name than Zizians. I love Zisters of Mayhem the band. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Love them. So, yeah, go look it up. This person also talked about Roko's Basilisk. I hate philosophy. I like philosophy because I'm trying to sort of get into it. I've been reading it more, right? I read some Stoicism. I read a little bit of fucking some Sartre. What was that? Sartre. That doesn't mean anything to me. Sartre. You can keep saying it, but you're not really saying anything. Sartre. Side stories, LPOTL, if you know what Henry's saying. Sartre. But it is.

But I tried to. I tried to read it, and I didn't fully understand it. I've tried to read. I've read some Nietzsche. Nietzsche? Not-chee? I've read Freddy Nachos. I've read a lot of Freddy Nachos, and I kind of fucking get that, too. So I sort of get it. Yeah. So it's one of those where, how is this helping?

I do think it would be better for, and I've said this, I have a lot of friends on the left wing, fully left wing people that I've talked to, and they all agree with me, which I do think so, is that the language needs to be cleared up and you need to make it so that we can understand it because we're all stupid. Okay? And just because we're stupid doesn't mean that we don't deserve to be educated. Yes!

Absolutely. So try to help me. Try to reach me. Try to understand me. I guess you can't. I guess you won't. I guess you front. That's how I know my life was out of love, fool. Whoa. Gangster's fucking paradise. Damn, dude. That was wild. Fucking Coolio. All right, PP. Hanging with Norbert. Was he alive? No, he's dead. He's dead. Yeah. Another one gone too soon. Another Patriot gone.

All right. Now, that was my first big story of the week. All hails is. No. No. No. Opposite. But, yeah, I just get it's just nice to see a left wing one. You never got one. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It is. Yeah. That is. That is good. But the other big story. This one's huge. Again, who's into gooning? Who's doing the gooning? I it's weird. I didn't know what gooning was. Then you explained it to me. And I'm like, remember that I kind of knew what it was. Gooning is like, you know what I'll say?

Back in our day, Eddie and I were saying this before the show, we masturbated with a purpose. That's right, man. We masturbated to cum. I want to see results. I'm not here. I want to feel and see results to masturbate. If I just wanted to sit and play with dick and balls, I would have been a fucking altar boy. I would go back and be a priest. But if I just want to sit and play with my hard dick and balls all day, then it's just like, what am I doing? I masturbate to cum. Yeah.

It is fun to play with your dick and balls when it's not hard. When it's not hard. And you just slap it around and scratch it and shit. Of course. Especially when you're sick. Oh, my favorite. It's the best. Yes, but still.

Used to have a purpose. But these kids found a new way to make gooning have a purpose. Yeah, these guys. Oh, yeah. All right. Gooning. Oh, boy. I do love this term. Gooning may be this simply defined as the state usually achieved after a prolonged edging session when a man becomes completely hypnotized with a feeling radiating his penis. That's not good. It's not good. It's gooning is normally you get hard, but you don't come. Do you think it's like...

it like started as a practice to just last longer? No, I just think... They're just bad at jerking off? I think men are broken, Eddie. Yeah, most of them are. I think that this came from... Have you ever left a comment on a pornography video? Never. These are the people that are doing it. They all have... These are the guys with usernames. Yes. Okay, gotcha. Now, this...

This is a very unfortunate story. Not that hot. Not that hot. Barely gooned. So sad. Yeah, I'm almost... I almost came. She's so ugly. Now, did you ever see that Martin Scorsese movie? Goon Doon?

That's actually a very funny idea for a parody. Yeah, yeah. A three-hour long goon-doon-yay, not being able to come. It's perfect. We are still holy if we keep it in. Now, this story, obviously, this story starts sad. Okay. Then it gets happy. All right. So, a man with the most unusual name of Nautica Malone...

That is his Christian name? That is his Christian name. And he went viral for a little video. Now, first, Eddie, I want to show you the video. Now, this was...

filmed outside of a Tempe, Arizona, what they call a Bikini Beans. Okay. Now, Bikini Beans, for those of you who don't know, it seems to be a kiosk in Boiling Sun where 18-year-olds are in bikinis selling coffee. Hot coffee in bikinis. In bikinis. Seems dangerous. But also, at the same time, fun idea. But also, these poor ladies...

are fucking just sitting ducks. Yes. And so this man was filmed in the drive-thru of the Bikini Beans, and we're going to see right now why this caused a bit of a controversy. Okay. He pulls up. Hi, how are you? Nice car. Good. Have you been here before? Uh, yeah. Sir, you need to leave. Unacceptable. Unacceptable. Unacceptable.

So what you don't see... He has no pants on. He has no pants on and his penis is in his hands. He's driving a very manly car. He's got a Dodge Charger. Now, that's a man by Nautical Malone. Now, what's interesting is that he has a beautiful smile...

He seemed very handsome. He's a husband. He's a husband and father. It also seems that this is a, I'm going to say repeated behavior because the barista knew to film the man. So he came up, he showed his penis and he showed that he was touching his penis. The woman that was serving the

coffee he then went and committed suicide so nautica malone went and blew his brains out now because it went viral and his family's gonna find out that he's jerking off to the girls well i'll tell you what buddy his family before it went viral yeah the family went to shame the bikini barista for putting it on the internet yes and she said your son's a pervert

Then he committed suicide. So they tried to be like, why did you ruin my son's reputation? And it's because... Your son ruined his own reputation. And they decided to take legal matters in their own hands and provide some civilian justice by putting this guy on blast.

They didn't put his name out there. They just showed him. It just went really, really viral. He committed suicide. It was bad for this guy, right? Yes. You think now, end of this sad story. You would think. You'd think. You would think this would be the end of the story. No. The children of the internet always win. Yeah. Well, I don't know if they win. No, they're actually all in danger.

But what they have figured out is to embrace it, create a new thing. So the gooners of 4chan decided to call. They looked upon this man. This is a group. I don't know what they... I don't know. They were live streaming, though. They live streamed. This is from... They're called the gooners of 4chan? Or they are gooners of 4chan? This is according to Complex Magazine. Okay. They, a group of gooners, arrived at the Bikini Banes and held...

A memorial for who they called their goon lord. And he called them goon lord, hashtag goon lord. And they hosted whatever the first ever hashtag goon-eral. Goon-eral. Where they showed pornography in this parking lot.

In memory of Nautica. And they had t-shirts made up, a memorial Goon Lord t-shirts made up. Yeah. And the funeral was promptly broken up in 20 minutes. 20 minutes? By the police. That's a pretty good time. The Goon Lord was, I know that none of this is good. This is all awful. But.

But so I will say, do they call themselves gooners? People who goon? Yes. Yeah. I believe it's goonists. Oh, yeah. That makes it sound aggressive. And they practice goonism. Yes. Now, the Goon Lord Memorial only lasted for a short time, but I think for all of us, I think a gooner-al is...

It's now, we very rarely see a novel idea put into the lexicon that can really take off in a good way. Yeah. You got to have a gooner roll, like there has to be paid admission, you know? Because if you just like- For the pornography? Yeah, for the pornography and like you can't do a gooner roll out in public. You know, there's got to be, you know, there's got to be like waivers and I guess 18 and over. See, I feel like a gooner roll, it doesn't have to involve you gooning. It's just more-

All of them understanding that this member of our gooning community is gone. And that pillar, that corner of our gooner world, I can't hear that. It's like, you know, the clicks of your dog's nails? Yes. How comforting that is. Yeah, yeah. When they're always there, they're walking on the... For goonists, the sound of... Well, is it that fast or is it just like slow? Like...

Let's just face it, Eddie. A lot of these guys can't get hard or come anyway. I think that if you're going to goon, it's going to have to be a lot of slapping. You've got to slap your penis to keep it awake. I don't know. I've never gooned. I never gooned. I always shoot to win. I'm on a time limit. I'm a results-oriented person. I'm a person that must... Put a clock on it. I'm not wasting my time to not come. That's why I don't even like strip clubs.

I love strippers, but I don't like strip clubs. Yes. Because it feels weird to be hard in a public place with friends. Yeah. Well, you don't have to get hard. You can just have fun looking at boobies. But she's touching your ding dong. You don't have to get a lap dance. Yeah, yeah. I've never had. You can just sit there and watch. I got a lap dance one time at the Claremont. From a seven-year-old woman. That's what you have to do at the Claremont. Yeah. Yeah. So that's, you know, if I ever went to the Claremont, I would have to get a lap dance. Okay.

We will be going to the Claremont in Atlanta. Yes. When we head there in June. I think that we should go and host an after party at the Claremont. I think that's a very good idea. Now, our wives love it. As someone who worked at Hooters, we would run into this kind of shit sometimes. Like, guys would go in the bathroom and start jerking off and shit like that. And we'd have got to kick them out and stuff like that. Yeah, sure. There was guys that would leave, like, you know, like, horrible tips for the girls. Like, they, like, half a hundred dollar bill or something like that in a room key. You know, like, a bunch of horrible human beings.

Yeah, that's not cool. And so I think, but like when I look at this Bikini Beans place, it seems like it's worse than Hooters. What? It seems like... You mean to tell me that there are business slash morality issues with a bikini barista coffee institution in Arizona, our most pure state, one of the best states in the union? Yeah.

is going to have a problem with 16 to 18 year olds in bikinis in what I would only describe as easy rape huts. Yes. That I feel that it would be, do you think that there might be problems? It's so weird because I have to wear, when I worked in the kitchen, I used to have to wear a hairnet.

You know, and like a bikini just seems like, ah, you know, they, none of them, they don't got bushes anymore. Half of them. I know, but still, but your hair, no, you had hair down to your butt. Yeah. Of course you had to have a hair net. I wore, I wore a hat. I'm just saying everyone had to have a hair net or something. Ladies. Yes, they do.

Not on the floor. Oh, no, not the servers. Yeah. Not on the floor. But they're making coffee. It's just coffee, though. Yes. It's just coffee. It's just coffee. But part of me thinks Hooters has like walls. Hooters has another staff. It's got a bunch of angry chefs. It has some security. It has a bunch of stuff where this is just a lone 18-year-old in a bikini wearing

just waiting to be harassed. Yeah, that is the problem with the Bikini Beans coffees, it seems like. But I also love it, though. I actually like this. It's like shirts and shorts. This is a bikini. But I also, I like the concept. I do. I like the concept. I think that they should be allowed to make this concept. I don't mind this. I just think that. I think that hiring the age of the women that work there should be a little higher. Yeah, honestly, I'm going to put it this way. I don't know.

If I was a business owner, right? If I was a business owner of a Bikini Beans, minimum, 35. Oh, yeah. No, that's how you get a real employee. To be honest, I think a lot of people should, to be honest, if we focus more on the MILF end of this. Yeah.

Think about how much more money you'd make. Like oat milf? Oh, yeah. Coming down to oat milfs? There we go. Yeah. No, exactly. Like oat milfs is fun. Yeah, I like this a lot. I like where you're going with this. 2% milf. Then you could be 25, 28. Like legal. And that's crazy legal. And whole milf is what? 50? Yeah.

Yeah. Because milk can hold her ground. You get a 40-year-old woman in there and she's going to be like, you watch your fucking mouth, you bastard. You know what I mean? Like, that's what we need.

Unless that makes them harder than ever before. But I just think it's fucked up. Like, first of all, these kids don't know how awful they're being or they do know how awful they're being. But it's like the goon lord's doing the fucking gooner roll. You think it's bad? What are you talking about? It's like a candlelight vigil for a pervert. First of all, we don't even know that this guy was gooning. We don't even know he's a gooner.

Well, he wasn't not gooning. Well, he was. We don't know. He could have been about to come. I didn't see that. If you look at the video again, he's not. He just got to the window. His pants are not there. No, they're not there.

Unless he's wearing very thin leggings. I think their hero is a fraud. Yes, I agree. I don't think that Eddie, you're right. And they're modeling themselves off of some guy who committed suicide the moment he gets caught gooning. You know what it is? He should be fucking thankful he got caught if he wants to be their hero. You know what it is?

To be honest, it's not about this, man. It's about gooning. Yeah. It's not about Nautica. It's about other gooners coming together and be like, if we could just find a safe place for us to be. It's certainly not the parking lot of a coffee shop. Jizz reel.

If we could form Jizzreel. Oh, I like this. For the Goonists. Yes. They can go down there to Jizzreel and they can all goon together as a community. Yeah. We'll give them Galveston. Let's give them Galveston. If we can section off Galveston.

We'll give it to the Goonis. They can sit in there and they can, because again, it's more just don't rub your lifestyle in our face. I don't want it anywhere else. Literally don't rub it in my face. I want you to go down to with Benjamin Nutting Yahoo in Jizzville and just, and then finally, maybe they can come. Yeah.

Nothing, Yagu, please. Thank you, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm not fully fluent in Goonish. Well, I wanted to say one thing. I don't think anyone should be going to these Bikini Bean stores because they do not treat their employees correctly. I just did a brief search. And first of all, the application's all about your social media. And none of it's about—they don't even need to put their age on the application. And there is absolutely no—I just feel like the coffee is suffering. Yeah, well, the coffee's got to be bad.

I don't know. Again, we are coming. Five stars. Five stars. Four stars. Girls in bikinis serving coffee. Coffee was good. Service was good. Girls were nice. Yes. Brian B. That's Westwood, New Jersey. Arguably a sexist concept, but it seems to be done for what it is, and it's in good fun. Brian tried. Brian even tried to neg it. He even tried to say, I don't like it. He gave it four stars. He had to basically say, you know what, in the end. Yeah.

It's allowed. This is something that if President Eisenhower had looked upon, he'd be like, and that's why we fought the Japanese. That's what our American flags are for. They used to have this horrible concept there at the Bikini Beans. Are you ready for this? They would make you pay for your training.

So if you got trained there, you would then owe them $300 before you ever got a paycheck. Arizona? According to Matt H., I follow Bikini Beans Coffee on Instagram because of their beautiful baristas. I stopped at this business while I was visiting Tempe. Their coffee's very good and the service is friendly. They were a bit slow getting my odor out. It was great seeing the beautiful ladies and their smiles.

I was disappointed when I was unable to get a picture with the girls. Oh, come on. They said they couldn't come outside and stay inside the building. Yes. And it's a good rule. Yes, yes. They're like a thing that if we stay in the bulletproof glass, we don't get taken. It's just like girls keep getting taken. You know?

So, according back to Matt H., if you want to get a picture, they said if you stop by about closing time, you can get a picture with them. So, a perfect time to stop here would probably be between 9.30 and 10 p.m. Is this what the manager told them? Yeah.

This is when the girls are alone and walking to their cars? Run. Girls, run. Run. He gave it a three stars because he couldn't touch them. Good God. He couldn't wrap his meaty yelping paws around them. Fucking Indianapolis Matt H. I can't even imagine the sadness inside of the Indianapolis bikini beans. Oh, my God. And what that must be like.

Because I just feel like the Indianapolis Bikini Meetings just has me working there. That's forescooting if you live there. Hey, you want a red eye or a fucking black eye? My eyes are up here. They don't have one. Hey! They don't have one there, I don't think. Hey, buddy, yeah. Oh, yeah, you think they're bringing out Bridget when it's 20 degrees out? No. They got me. Barnaby. All right, I got the tits to fill out the suit. You got a fucking problem with it?

Gooning in Indianapolis is just jerking off a bratwurst. I can't believe it will not come. Gooning in Indianapolis, I think, is... God, that's my... It's going to be my fucking album. Fly from your grave.

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Give us some stories before we get out of here. We've got to run through some stories. If we only get to one, this one I feel like sparks a debate here. A woman...

Used fart selfies to harass a partner's ex. Okay. Yeah, this is interesting. This is interesting. All right. A woman who sent videos of herself passing wind in a series of harassing messages to her boyfriend's ex-partner has been given a community order. That's right. Yeah. She got 12 months of fucking parole for sending fart videos. For sending fart videos. Now, over WhatsApp. Well, this is UK. Okay.

This is UK. So that's a part of it to remember. Yeah, this is definitely the UK. She sent more than three more fart selfies to Debra on WhatsApp on December 22nd, right before Christmas. Maybe that's why. It could have been a gift. People are upset. Four more in the

following days. But then one was Boxing Day at New Year's Day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is honestly, you know you got your biggest fucking fart saved up for those days. Oh my God. Because you've been eating ham. After Christmas dinner? Oh yeah, Christmas Day, you've been fucking pounding the ham, and then you've been drinking fucking, especially in the UK, they're drinking all that beer too. Oh my God, nog. Beer is

runs through a woman. So Evans was arrested at her home, admitted to sending the videos, and was given a 12-month community order and fines.

She suggested she wanted to send videos because she felt her partner was being treated unfairly and said that it was purely malicious. She was smirking throughout and found it hilarious, but the victim did not find it hilarious. Yeah, definitely not, because that was the point. She's sending fart videos to her ex, which should be one of the most...

celebrated, non-invasive way to tell someone to go fuck themselves. It really is like the most innocent way to attack your partner's ex. But we have had this happen a lot because UK has a different, they really are more concerned with it seems over there. They don't like farts as much as we do. Oh, that's not true. You don't think so? You think so? There are just some. This is one thing that you'll discover even more as you research deep into things in the UK. Yeah. The type of horny.

that a really gross British couple are into. You know what I mean? With the big ears, big crooked noses, horrible fucking Adam's apples, spindly knees, fucking gray skin, bad teeth. I know how they look, yeah. Right?

these guys are fucking, they're eating each other's farts. They're eating each other's shit. Yeah, the nice ones. But I'm saying, they're like, that's a normal couple in some of these smaller towns in the UK, right? Like, that's what they do. Yeah. So farts are like, they've been doing farts forever. Benny Hill, like Shakespeare, Shakespeare had fart humor. Comedy Bears as well had fart humor. Yeah.

Like literally, yes. Shakespeare had plenty of farts. Farts are actually a huge part of the entertainment history of the UK. I'm not even being facetious. No. Which is hilarious to even use the word. Facetious when you're talking about fart culture. And so fart culture, I would never even think to be facetious about fart culture. Yeah. Right? And the first fart joke came back from the Sumerians. That's how old fart humor is. The fact that this woman can't fart.

Freely send. And because in the UK, it seems, when we did the Somerset Gimp and we did a couple other people, they really, they have a, which I do,

I like the idea of the Somerset camp. He would just show up and get stepped on or something. But he would jerk. He would rub his genitals in front of people. And in the UK, they take that way more seriously than we do in the United States of America. They take the concept of you breaking my consent by showing me something I don't want to see. Like in America, we're just used to it.

it. I mean, I feel like I've just seen so many people fucking, I saw a man openly take a shit. I've seen men fucking masturbate. I've seen a homeless woman's open pussy. I've seen all that kind of stuff, right? I heard Matt Gaetz is about to be the surgeon gooner on. Very good, Eddie! Got him!

Taking him down a peg. They say the first joke ever recorded was a fart joke. Oh, I always remember. It's so silly. I mean, that's how you get kids to laugh. It was the Sumerian proverb. Something which has never occurred since time immemorial. A young woman did not fart in her husband's lap. Yeah.

This woman said that the reason she... I think I actually had an Uber driver say that to me. Well, at the time she sent the video, she had some drinks and then she sent them understanding that this has caused the victim some distress. Yeah, she tried to. Yeah, she sent them without malicious intent. Yes, she did. I think she sent them with malicious intent. Yeah, she sent a fart video to her fucking husband's ex. Why is this that complicated or bad? But I'm still like, I know it's rude.

But I don't see the crime. How is this a crime? How is it a crime? I don't see the crime. Sidestorieslpotl at gmail.com. Maybe it's harassment? I think people are... Put the ass in harassment? If you could. But you know what? I've had a couple of people even say that they think that Eddie and I take the side of the bully often.

Only because in my view is I think that over punishing something stupid. I hate red tape. I hate the concept of this is something that very much so could have been sort of handled between y'all. Right. Like you could have been like, hey, stop sending me fart videos or I'm going to come over there and slash your tires. Or like old school blocker. Yeah. You can't block.

You don't have to watch it. You don't have to watch the fart video. You know what you also could definitely do? And I want to say this to everybody with power. You know what you can do? Close your phone. Yeah. It's on the phone. You're on your phone too much. All you had to do was just not look at the text from your fucking, your ex's new girlfriend. Why are you looking at the text? Don't look at them. Delete them. Don't be involved. Why do so many people want to go back to their exes? Why are people so obsessed with their exes? Move on. Just move the fuck on. If they're going to text you, Billy, great. Who cares? Who cares?

I'm getting fucking cornholed by somebody else now. I'm bugging with that golf DJ that you knew that I was going to be with. You're getting cornholed by a golf DJ? I'm playing the character of the ex.

I think the ex took it too far by bringing it to the police. Of course. By being like, because then what this is all doing is just playing you further into the ex's fucking world. Well, she knew she had her fucking ass in a sling because now she's got to go to 60 days. Because her ass was on the fucking phone. And her ass was in, honestly, she, and she's, not to be anything, she looks like she could really fart.

Yeah. She does look like she has some in her. But she's cute. I like her. She seems nice. I like her. This is a creative way to get revenge, even though there's no revenge to get. Why is this a crime? I don't know why it's a crime, but she has 60 days of alcohol abstinence monitoring and two-year restraining order against the victim. What? She has to not drink for two years because of alcohol?

Two-year restraining order against the victim, 60 days alcohol abstinence, and 15 rehabilitation sessions. I will say this lady must love that I just looked up her name, Rhiannon Evans Farts.

And it's just her. Yeah. You know what I mean? That if you type in her name, it's just farts. It's the first thing that comes up. Of course. Which is punishment enough. That's punishment enough. Okay? I really do think that the social punishment of her name now being forever tied to the word farts is enough.

I mean, I think it's great for her. Of course she was smirking. She was fizzing her and she was shooting herself farting. Yeah. It's funny to do. It is funny. It was on the day after Christmas. It's hilarious. It is funny. You got them farting. She didn't have to smell them. Same thing with- It's over the phone. Seriously. You know what? Actually, Eddie, that does bring me to, I actually could further understand if she came and farted on your pants. Or property even.

But still, I don't even think it's fine. I think it's fine. Dude, I had this situation. Tell me what you think about this. I almost got in a fight in the bathroom a couple weeks ago. At work? No, this is a solo bathroom, so I'm going to have to get in a fight with myself. I was about to say, you shouldn't be doing that. I would just be kicking the toilet. I got in a fight. No, but... Fucking and fighting, kissing, tugging. So I'm at a urinal, and I let

a big old fart out. And the guy next to me looks at me and goes, really? I would deck him in the mouth. We've talked about this endlessly. We have talked about this on this show. We've already talked about this. This debate is settled. Yeah. You fart at the urinal. Yeah. It's a bathroom. It's a bathroom. You can fart at the urinal. I literally, I'm like, where the fuck do you want me to do it? And then he immediately realized he was wrong. Well, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it's, first of all, don't talk to me. I'm a gentleman. I came in here and did it. Him talking to you is...

Is the violation of the urinal code Yeah I got my dick out The only way you're supposed to talk to each other If you go like The only thing he ever should have done was Nice That's what a man is supposed to do Hell yeah bud You know who's really good at this? Trans men You get them in that fucking bathroom Because they are That's what I like is a hardcore trans man You can do that thing where you go like Fucking dude

What the fuck, dude? And they were fucking ready to go. They were farting. They were shitting. They don't give a fuck, dude. They're low down, man. They're going to go out there. They're going to fucking fight for you, man. Yeah, man. I got so fucking mad. Fuck that shit. Yeah. That makes me want to get other cis men out. You can't handle a fart? Yeah. This is a fucking bathroom, dog. This is a civil war going on. Yes. I'm farting. I'm farting. We know this, though. But we already know this. Yeah. And the audience knows this.

Well, I think we should get to some listener mail. Yeah, let's get to some listener mail, Eddie. There was a podiatrist who got caught jerking off at people, but we don't need it. Well, honestly, the most disgusting thing about the podiatrist was the fact that he was a podiatrist without a license, which I think is what kind of pervert he would have to be.

to voluntarily be a podiatrist. And then jerking off while you're touching feet all day. Well, he tells, well, it's also the sad part about the way, I mean, now we're doing the story. He got caught because he got, he jerked off in that front window. Right. And then the lady called, he's like, I think somebody's jerking off my front window. And then the saddest assignment that a cop had to get, which was then put on duty, watching that window and had to watch the man go jerk off at the window and

watch him leave, go collect the cum in a little cup. Yeah. To go make sure it's the guy. That's a bad job. That's a shitty day at work. That's a shitty day. That's all your job is. If this guy was a gooner, he would have never got caught. See? Goonists. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Some goonists have a point. Ha ha ha.

No material left behind. But also, I just really, I brought this up last time we talked about a cum bandit. They're not stealing cum. They're leaving it. Don't call them bandits. I'm sick of this shit. It's because no banditry is happening. I'm sick of these people being called cum bandits. They are just, they are, essentially they are mailmen for ejaculate. Yeah.

All right. So let's let you write, Eddie. Thank you. So mad. You should. All right. So here we go. Let's talk a little bit about this. I got a couple of go. I got a couple. These two letters in a row that I'm excited about. I was peripherally involved in a UAP incident at Vandenberg Air Force Base in 2003. I just transferred to Vandenberg Air Force Base as security forces staff sergeant in late October, early November. I was assigned to Delta Flight, which was the night shift.

The master sergeant in charge was giving me the tour of all the secured areas before I actually started working. He told me that he needed to stop by the LE desk, which is what we call the police station for the base. The master sergeant went into his office, and I decided to get to know the two guys working there that night. After a while, they asked if I could watch the office while they stepped out for a smoke. A couple of minutes later, the phone rang.

A woman claiming to be a dispatcher with California Highway Patrol was asking me if we had any planes in the air. I told her that due to security reasons, I couldn't give her that information. She then said that two chips were pulled over on Highway 1, which ran through Vandenberg, and were observing green lights over the base. I immediately thought this was a case of play a prank on the new guy, but the new guy stopped smoking and ran in. They recognized the dispatcher on the phone as one they have communicated with in the past, so she was legit.

After a brief conversation, they laughed off the incident and politely ended the call. Just then, the flight chief darted out of his office and sped off. I was stranded at the LE desk for a few hours. Just before sunrise, he returned, saying he had taken eight sworn statements from security forces members across the base who had all seen a, quote, red cube moving silently overhead. That was the last I heard of the incident until yesterday when I saw a program covering the incident on Vice.

Yes, which is true. That it was the cube event. There is a cube event. Is there multiple cube events? Yes. Okay, and cube is a new... This is a new shape to me. Cube's been around. There's been cubes. I know. They're just weird. So it's just like a floating square? Or is it like this? It's cube. It's got edges. You keep saying cube, but how many sides? It looks like the one that Rob showed me. That's not a cube. That looks like a D&D die. Yeah, so that's not a cube. Okay. Okay.

That's a cube. But that also looks like a D&D die. It's because you're seeing it. It's semi-translucent. So as you can see through it, because that's kind of what they're saying, it seems to be sort of like a glass box, a glass cube. Okay. And it has something inside of it. That's mostly what we see. We don't know what the hell that shit is. So cubes are, this is old news, kind of. Yes. All right. But this is new news. This next one's new news. All right. All right. That was a kite. That's found to be a balloon, unfortunately.

Now, this one, I think that it's also going to bring on some conversation. All right. Because I really think that this is egregious. You all right? I'm going to throw up. This week's segment on buffet-related crimes. Oh, please. Reminds me of a crime that I witnessed many years ago. My husband and I were out at our local Chinese buffet enjoying our usual date night dinner after working up a mighty appetite canoeing and swimming all day. I know what that code for. Yeah, getting canoed. Butt sex. Yeah.

Ganoond. Ganoond. Ganoond. Now you've gone too far. I'm trying to figure out a new one. I know. I bought you. Gooner or later, cum is gonna get ya. Gooner or later, cum is gonna get ya. I eagerly grabbed my plate, ready to slam my holes all full. That's how it says. Oh, okay. And get into the line, ready to load up on some Americanized Chinese goodness. To my horror.

I saw an enormously fat woman in line directly ahead of me, picking out all the remaining beef out of the beef and broccoli. It's rude, but I have to say it's allowed. It is not. I would be upset. Yeah. It is allowed. Especially out of the broccoli. So you mean to tell me this is a dish?

By the name of beef and broccoli. You don't just get to pick out the meat and leave none for everyone else. Doing that kind of shit in public makes all of us either all of the rest of us fat people look bad. He's correct. Or you lose weight because you're just going to have broccoli. No, but no, it's all covered in the sauce. You're right. Same. Right? I went back to my table with my beef and broccoli list plate and complained bitterly to my husband. Buffet staff did put out a new tray within 10 minutes, of course. Great. But the damage was done.

To this day, the beef and broccoli lady is mentioned in our house when discussing shamelessly gluttonous behavior. Yeah, because that is the truth. Don't let people see it. You know, I get it. People don't like vegetables. You need to learn to like vegetables. Oh, God, I just got a lecture today. You got to like vegetables, but people don't like vegetables, but you got to mix them in and you got to at least pretend for other people.

Yeah. Pretend for other people. You know what I do think? But she could have been, it could have been one of those situations where, you know, like sometimes you're at a Chinese buffet and they will like take the food you don't eat and like weigh it and charge you. That does happen sometimes. And she knew she wasn't going to eat the broccoli and she didn't want to get charged. Well, she should just do something that has no broccoli in it whatsoever. Well, then you need to put out a beef only dish. Where's the Mongolian beef? I don't think that was there. There's a beef and broccoli dish. You can just eat some of the broccolis.

That's what I think you need to do. She can eat some of the broccoli, but I'm saying I understand where she's coming from. I think this might actually cause some debate. SideStoriesLPOTL at gmail.com. Do you feel like there are people that will say that it's a buffet, you're allowed to pick elements? Yeah. But part of me thinks that

I hate pea shoots. Well, just the concept of you. If there was a chicken and there were pea shoots in there, I would work around the pea shoots, especially if I was able to do it. I'm just locked in by a sense of a supreme food-based embarrassment. Like the idea of choosing the ends of the meat that are left would make me, I know that I'm disappointing someone. Yeah. And because I know. But you also are a line cutter.

I'm not a line cutter. Yeah, you admitted it. No, I'm not. Last week you said you cut the line. I was absolved by people saying that, no, it's true. On a second swipe through, you...

You can go to the food that you want. Yeah. You were absolved by a bunch of other rude gooners. No. No good guys. Good people. Yeah, people who also cut the line. Places to go. Things to do. People to see. Things to make. Nah, man. Love to make. You're at a buffet. You shouldn't be in a rush if you're at a buffet. Yeah, sometimes you have to be because business calls. It is a quick way to get food. It is.

There's some rules people say don't double dip. Be respectful when you're turned in line. Give the other diner space. Sure. But still, I'm just looking for a break. Don't eat in the line. Don't tell me what to do. These rules are wrong. This is Google AI. This

I don't want to listen to Google AI. No, you can eat in the line. What? Yeah. No, you can't. Absolutely. That is fucking unsanitary. You really think you can't eat in the buffet line? Well, I have trauma because when I was a child, I got caught eating mushrooms at the Ponderosa right out of the, not mushrooms, marshmallows, right out of the dip. And it was right by the soft serve and I was just eating the marshmallows and then I went back to my table. And the manager came over and he was like, I'm sorry, but

I'm afraid you all have to leave because this child was eating the marshmallows. And then I was like six. What the fuck? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is really... My father was happy though because he got a free meal for all of us. You know, I did not know what I stumbled upon. Because this is sexual. So do not eat...

Especially to Ponderosa. I do feel like, yes, I see why you're upset. And why you are upset. Why this story really does ring true for you. Oh my God, the crime wave has a midnight buffet every night. Dude, I'm going to be the fucking king of that midnight buffet. That midnight buffet. I can't wait. I fucking can't wait.

Every day. There better be some goddamn shrimp on that buffet. You live every day, this Thursday, this Friday, waiting for those tickets to come out for this cruise. And then you are going to love the fact that you have purchased not even two, I'm saying one ticket to the crywaveatsea.com slash laugh this Friday. And then you are going to laugh your entire cruise when you're out there because we are going to fucking cry.

cause some fucking mayhem on this cruise. Well, we can only do it if you're there. And I mean this, we don't get more money. If we sell more tickets, we're literally on a, there's not even, I mean it. We are literally just doing, I need you to come. There are going to be some normies there who are going to be very upset about what their CSA. It's going to be wonderful. And you're going to love that. That's why all I'm saying is that like, so we like, we're not even pushing tickets because we make more money to sell the fucking tickets. We're not even pushing tickets because we make more money to sell the fucking tickets.

We're literally pushing the tickets because I want you there. I want you to see what in the living hell this is going to be. Sinisterhood is also doing it, so that's going to be cool. They're there, and I'm certain they'll be doing a lot of stuff. So we can bring your white wine. You can't bring the white wine. You have to buy what's on the boat. Yeah, and then you bring it to the show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Some of these ladies are going to be some intense ladies. We're bringing our wives for protection. I was actually thinking about bringing extra security.

You know who I want is the crew from fucking... What's his name? I'm from the... Gaddafi. Oh, Gaddafi? His security didn't do a great job, I must say. He wasn't a good boss. When he got killed by anal knifing? Yeah, he wasn't a good boss. That's the problem. I'm a great boss.

Go to pgi.com slash last podcast and watch me be a great boss on Side Stories. Kane Pixels. Yeah, Kane Pixels is already there. Our interview with that child went great. Yeah, he is so much smarter than all of us. God, he's very intelligent. It was intimidating in a weird way. And talking with him, I felt like I wanted to ask advice of him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In my mind, I'm like, I got to give this kid advice. Then I'm like, what are you talking about? He's fucking directing a movie.

He knows everything. He knows everything. He's very, very smart. Go check that out and go to our, on our socials at LP on the left. You can go take it out on a tech doc. Go help China leg up over on tick tock and go to twitch.tv slash LPN TV to watch our Twitch streams and then go to our YouTube channel where we currently have, honestly, I think our greatest triumph and good putt.

Yeah. Oh, it was a great episode. I love our episode of the New Year's Eve resolution checkup. Yeah. Bad cop, fat cop. Yep. It's really fun. And also tomorrow on Thursday, February 6th is the Hoopie Goo Goo game. We're coming back.

HGX2. Natalie's going to be on the show. We've got Frank Castillo and Mike Lawrence judging. That's going to be so much fun. It's going to be a really great one. And then make sure you check us out on the road. We've got February 22nd in Dallas, March 14th in Nashville at the Ryman Auditorium. And then side stories, just Henry and I is going to be in Huntsville on March 16th

We got April 18th, Detroit, May 3rd, Toronto, June 28th, Atlanta. The 29th is already sold out for side stories at dad's garage. Yep. The other one, but we are ready to go with these. These shows are going to be fucking great. I can't wait. And then we're going to announce some more Florida dates coming up for side stories. And I'm doing a full,

solo stand-up tour, which I'll be announcing next week in Florida in March and in May. So get ready for that if you live in Florida. It's going to be a lot of fun. I love you guys. Yeah, fuckers. Hell yeah. Hell's hitting. Hell, you know what?

Hail Satan again. Thank you. Yeah. And, you know, and down with the gooners. Hey, man, I say up with the gooners. And why don't you go ahead and come, guys? Yeah, just come. Here's your fucking permission. Here's your permission to come. Just give it a shot once. See how it goes. Just once we can get them, then we can kind of get their brains back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just get rid of one. Because I think you're backed up with all that extra semen. It's making you make some bad decisions. We're supposed to come, guys.

You want to get it out of your prostate. You want to be cumming at least 20 times a month for the sake of fucking lowering your prostate. Literally just to lower your possibility of getting prostate cancer. Yeah. So it's fucking goon it for your health. Don't goon it for your health. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Coom it for your health.

Hi, I'm Sarah Silverman, and I want to invite you to Arena Stage this February to see my semi-autobiographical, semi-conscious, but fully enjoyable new musical, The Bedwetter. It's a story about growing up different from everyone else, the insanity of family, being a bedwetter, and a dash of clinical depression. In other words, it's about the year I was 10. The Bedwetter, February 4th to March 16th, only at Arena Stage.

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