13 Beers at the Local Cheese | Ep. 3 | Continue?
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Welcome to Legends of Avantris. What happened last time on 13 beers at the local cheese, you may ask? We- we- we- We went to the booth! I mean, I mean, TLDR, they went to the local cheese and they got kicked out. They were banned. They were banned for their activities. They were banned for their- their debauchery. There's some of it. You missed the part where some of us died. I'll get there. I'll get there. You literally died. I'll get there. You started the part.

We got kicked out. - I think that that is important. - You skipped all of it. - No, no, no, we're starting at the end and we're doing one of those, you're probably wondering how I got here. - Oh, oh, apologies. - I'm starting here because you were banned the maximum amount that any manager at the 13, at the local cheese can ban someone for one week. - Actually six days. - Six days and 23 hours. - Six days and 23 hours.

Let's start at the very beginning. You all met at a parking lot to enjoy a humble and sober night at the local cheese. Very sober. This gang, never. You walked inside. You got some food. You got some beers. You started to approach that limit right out of the gate. You got drunk. You were influenced by the magical beer power of the local cheese. You fought some meatheads.

They were very aggressive. Actually, I believe they were aggressive because Knuckles here was transformed into a monkey.

Yeah, but didn't Andy cut one of their heads off? Yeah, yeah. It was a little glorified. And they started. I think every single fight began with Gary punching somebody in the eyes. But he's not punching. I'm monkeys laughing and Andy's literally cutting eyes. I just cut his arm off. It happens, okay? They started it. I ended it. Yeah, exactly right. Imagine Star Wars later subtitled A New Hope.

The night progressed onward. You'll be dead! You enjoyed games. You found the arcades that you wanted to enjoy. You tried to tinker with some of the cabinets in order to get more tokens. You ran from the manager and his two bouncers. You continued to get into all kinds of chaos and insanity. You fought some ninjas along the way who were trying to steal your tickets. And then, Knuckles...

Given the old knuckle punch to the Tower of Power was able to win 1,000 tickets. That never should have happened. Oh, that's right. You met, uh, this is the second time you met the, uh, the ticket counter, uh, the ticket master, uh, the, the, the, the prize owner, the person who at the, at the, uh, prize booth, uh, rewarded you and your many tickets with all kinds of- What was his name? Like, Davis or something? No, you're thinking of the manager. I thought it was like, Kyra. Reginald. Reggie. Reggie. Uh, I don't know about the ticket guy. Oh, Reggie. The ticket guy was like, the Grim Reaper. I'm pretty sure it was like, Jeff.

What was my voice? Was it like... His name was Lenny. He was a high-pitched Knuckles. Lenny. Lenny. Due to the power of yes and improvisation, he has a brother named Billy because Knuckles just walked up and assumed that they knew each other. That's how it works. Unfortunately...

That's right, I forgot all about that. In their search for 13 beers, trying to reach that mythical level, they made their way to the food area where they were confronted by the animatronic band. And this is where things turned for the worse. Even clad with all of the armor that they had gotten with their tickets, even with all of the weapons, like a rocket launcher and an aluminum baseball bat, it was a close fight.

And unfortunately, Galileo fell. He fell to Catholic poison. And then, Derek? And then what happened to me? And then a rocket hit him in the gooch. Really? The gooch?

It happened in the Gooch? Yeah, it hit him right in the Gooch. That's canon? That's canon. And then he spiraled into the stage and exploded. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why did he get hit in the Gooch? And then I encountered Gary in the afterlife. And as Gary was ascending to heaven, I said, I'll meet you there. Just don't forget to bury my body. That's the only way. That's the only way I can ascend to heaven. Please. In case there is resurrection. Laughter

For destroying the band, the manager... In case there is resurrection of the flesh, bro, bury my mommy. I also died too, Derek. Uh, sure. I was flattened by a squirrel girl's ass. Oh, yeah! Yeah, yeah. What a way to go there, folks. It was a nine and a half hour video. I don't know what to tell you. I only got... You know, there are worse ways to go, Andy. It's all I'm gonna say.

And you found yourself in the parking lot with two perhaps spiritual versions of Galileo and Gary. And he was like, well, see you guys next week. That's right. Before we continue with the actual session proper, let's take a moment to level up. Because you're all

We'll start with a refresh of the rules and then we'll do a little level. Let's do it. So are we level one normally? Yeah, technically you're level one. We'll be leveling up to level two. That doesn't really matter. The level number doesn't really matter so much. But good to know. I didn't include that on here because I didn't think to.

That being said, for those of you who have never played a board like before, we got a quick little rules overview for you. This is technically a d20 system. Whenever you have to make a test, you do so against a difficulty rating or a DR. To succeed, you roll a d20 and you add or subtract your ability modifier with a result greater than or equal to the DR. Enemies don't use these ability modifiers, they just roll against the DR.

If you're looking for something that's easy, it's about a 6. An 8 is something that's routine, but there's a chance of failure. 10 is simple, but not too simple. 12 is normal, 14 is difficult, 16 is really hard, and 18 is nearly impossible. When it comes to combat, you may move and attack. Your initiative is going to be agility. Your agility score +AD6.

You do critical hit on a natural 20, and when that happens, for attack, you're rolling twice as many dice, and you reduce the opposing target's armor by one tier. You actually break their armor. Nice. For defense, if you crit on a defense, you actually get to make a counterattack.

That's the advantage of rolling well on your defense. Oh, cool! Fumbles are natural ones. If that happens while you're attacking, your weapon will break or is lost. If that happens on defense, you take double damage and your armor tier is reduced by one. It's as if... Because in this case, in this game, Derek is not rolling for the enemies. We are.

Right? We're rolling to see if their attacks hit us, and we're rolling to see if their attacks hit. Oh, that's right! Right, right, right, right, right. If your tier armor drops to tier 0, it is destroyed. Uh, general player movement is 6 squares or 30 feet across the board. Uh, you players roll, like I said, for both attacks and defense. Uh, for melee, it's a d20 plus your strength. For ranged, it's a d20 plus your presence. And for dodge, it's d20 plus your agility. This says strength, but I know it's agility.

Nice.

Someone said an Andy is Andy. What does it say? I'm just looking and it's like... What does it say on my name? I know, but that's what I was smirking at. I'm like, we are in... I'm not answering you, I'm asking them. We're in a D&D session, and you're playing Andy, and your name plays as Andy. There's art of Andy. That's right there. That's just very funny. Anyway...

If you have 0 HP, you are broken. It is very hard to be delivered a wound that will put you at exactly 0. But it can happen. It happened. If you are broken, you will roll on the broken table and certain things can happen. If you go to negative HP, you are dead. No ifs, ands, or buts, nothing to do. No saving throws, nothing.

Then we'll talk about leveling up in a minute. Drinking! Consuming alcohol of any kind has pros and cons. For each drink you consume, you gain plus one HP to damage dealt. Once you have consumed more than... Oh, this isn't the updated version. What happened? Once you have consumed more than two times your toughness modifier in drinks with a minimum of two... So if your HP, if your toughness modifier is zero, it's still a minimum of two. Okay. Then you become drunk.

Once that happens, you must roll on the drunkenness table for each drink, each other drink you consume, and then your damage dice can now explode. What is exploding dice? When you are rolling for damage, if any of your dice roll the max result, you get to roll damage again. There is no limit to how many times this can happen. So as you drink, you get stronger, there are negative consequences on the table that you roll on, but your damage dice can explode infinitely.

If you take a critical hit while drunk, you will remove one drink from your total. That can sober you up. If you are broken or you are dead, you will be sober and you'll remove all drinks from your total. That's basically it. If there are any questions about the rules of the game, ask them now or while they play, I'm happy to answer them. In the meantime, let's prepare to level up. Are there any questions we have about the game, the flow of the game? No.

Oh, how does equipment work? I might need to be refreshed. How does equipment work? Uh, your character sheet will show you that you have a feature, that you have equipment, but you have under weapons is where your weapon and your armor is. The way that it works, in this particular case, last time you rolled plastic cutlery, which is a 1d4 damage.

And you have heavy armor, which is a minus D6 to damage. If, when you are attacked, you go to dodge, you don't get out of the way. I forgot I had heavy armor. You take damage, you would roll a D6 to reduce the damage before you subtract it from your HP. I love that. And it's because you're wearing a Jinko Jeans. No, his Jinko Jeans is his container. Yes. Oh, well, I remember you wearing a lot of jean quality material. Yours, I almost guarantee, is a D4. It's a D2. Or a D2.

It's a d2. Oh, a 2! Yeah, the 2s are basically backwards S's. It's a funky font, we picked a cool font. But you'll remember that your feat was Fist of Fury. And you chose not to fight with your iron, with your cut-free, because you had 2d4. You basically had extra damage. And I have no fumbles, because I have Fist of Fury, because I'm just not punching people. Well, you can't fumble your fists. Yeah, exactly. Right? You can't fumble your fists.

Um, so that is how you roll a D, you roll whatever your D is for your damage, yours is ranged, yours, you have presence. And so my gun adds presence, not my agility? No, no, no, I made a mistake. Um, I believe that- No, no, that's correct.

Yeah. Ranged is not agility. You would think it is. It's presence. It's not, it's presence. But throwing is, or is all ranged? No, it's all presence. All ranged is presence. Agility is dodge. That's right. Yep. So, but what, and for what you're, what the plus presence thing is the number of darts you have. So you'll roll a d10. Again, we're just going to start fresh for the number of ammo you have. And you'll add your presence modifier to it.

Okay. Oh. And so if your presence is fucking whack, we'll fix that next time. We'll fix that next time. Because I tried to shift everybody's stats around to like make it for what they were good at. But then you don't necessarily have to be your arranged person. What happened last time? No, I like it. I like it. Any other questions for as far as the game system goes? Derek, hand me your Nerf gun.

Oh, you still have that, right? I looked for it. I looked for it. I don't know where it went. What? Is it here? I had it for- I had it for- I had it for Quibbly and I set it down somewhere and I have no fucking idea. No, no, no, no, no. When I got home. Oh, you took it home. Okay, okay, okay. Everybody ready? I'm sorry. For us to level up? I'm sorry. We're very sorry. So as far as leveling up goes, we do three things in order.

Number one: we will take turns doing this because I want it to be public and I want it to be out loud. You will roll a d6 against every statistic that you have starting with strength. Results equal to or greater than your modifier, increase it by a +1 to a maximum of +6. Otherwise, you get a -1 to that statistic.

Abilities with modifiers ranging from -3 to +1 always increase by 1 unless you roll a 1. So you really have to fuck up in order to get the minus. Abilities with a modifier ranging from -3 to +1 will always increase by 1 unless you roll a 1. So it's really hard to fuck up at this point.

But if- so now that I have a +2... That's the only one that could fuck up. If I roll a 2, it's- I still lose 1. No, no, no. Greater- equals 0 or greater than 1. Oh, equals 2. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you STILL have to roll a 1 for that! Got it. But it's once you get +3 that you start to- Then you can start to fall back. Unless you get a minus- unless you roll a 1. Right. No ma- so if I have a bunch of 0s, no matter what I roll on this, it can only go up by 1, right? Unless you roll a 1. Even if it's 0? Unless you roll a 1. Modifiers that are between -3 and +1... Uh-huh. ...can only go down if you roll a 1.

So you have a 5 and 6 chance for them to go up by 1. Oh. And so Agility could go... Wait, what's going up by 1? The actual number or the actual modifier? No, the actual total. And then if your total hits a breakpoint, the score will then affect the modifier. Which I will tell you if that's the case. Alright. 12 is the limit to go from 0 to 1. And then it's like 16 to go to fucking 3 or something. It basically isn't gonna happen.

Um, so we're gonna start with, uh, Dallaleah, roll a d6 against your strength. Five! Your total score will increase by one. Total score? Or modifier? No, your score. Your modifier will increase by one. So I have ten strength. Please! Which means nothing changes, right? Yep. Not yet. I still have plus zero. Okay. That's correct. But again, as we level up, you wanna keep doing that. Yeah, alright, alright, yeah, yeah, yeah. Roll your strength. I'm good. What do you need and what are you looking for? I got a three. I just- Anything but a one. Anything but a one. I got a four! How many pencils over there? Yeah, plenty. Yeah, plenty. Perfect. Thank you.

Uh, I should've left these blank, I didn't think about this to be honest with you. I got a 5, so my strength will go up to 12. Is 8 still a -1, Andy? Uh, 8 is a -1. I have 9s, I have... 9 becomes 0. So -1, uh, 8 is still a -1. What's the +3 breakpoint? 16, I think you just said. I can check. I have 16 here and it's +2. It might be 18. It might be 17. If it's TCC, it's 18. It's not TCC, it's poor. Uh, 15 and 16 are +2, 17 and 18 is +3. Let's fucking go. Huge. Okay.

I got a 5 so my strength goes up to 12. Which is still a plus zero. Alright agility. What is this one? Is that a 15? That's a... That's a 15 and that's a plus 2? Yep. So roll for your agility.

5 again. Which means it goes up. So I have a +2. It still just goes up 1. You go to 16, it's still +2. Oh, okay. So I go to 16, which is still +2. Yep. Agility? Yep. 6. It's a +1. Nice, dude. 5. So I get 11 agility, which doesn't do anything for my level. 4. I go up to 15 agility. Which again is still the same breakpoint, I believe. Okay. Oh no! Is 15 +2?

Fifteen and sixteen is plus two. Oh, fuck yeah, my agility goes up to plus two. Nice! Is eleven plus zero? Eleven is plus zero. Yeah, it's like nine to twelve is zero. Three. That's the biggest gap. Alright, presence goes up. So I go to ten? Oh no.

Ahoy, Nopple's got a 1 in presence, he drops. My presence is already 7! He drops a 7! You've got a negative 2! Oh, that's brutal. Well, you gotta have a weakness, you know? Don't worry. There's also, uh, there's also one of the beer results is permanently increase your presence by 1. Oh, sure. Wow! I got a 3, so I have now plus 2 presence. Nice. My presence is going up to 10, still plus 0. Toughness. My toughness is...

Uh, I rolled all fives, I think. Wow. Uh, my toughness is going online. I need this. Please. I need this too. PLEASE! Oh no! Oh no, what happened? Oh fuck, dude. Your toughness dropped by one. It's not gonna affect your HP though. You're good. Doesn't affect your HP.

I was so close to plus one. I got a two, so it goes up to plus one toughness now. I got 13. Wow. My toughness goes up to 11, which is still, again, no breakpoint. Okay. Alright, the next thing we do is we each roll a d6 to add to our HP. Oh wow, d6 HP? Yep. Dang. But, yeah, keep your result, because you rolled one. Yeah. But do it in-- Two. So plus two your HP. Oh... four. Nice! Three. Plus three?

And I got +1 for HP. Wow. 12. So I have an 11 HP. I have 10 HP. And now lastly, what we'll do is I think- You had 6 before? 7. You- I only got 3. Everybody keeps the same equipment they had last time unless for some reason you used it up or something like that. I don't think anybody did. A lot of the equipment is just for flavor. You can think of funny ways to use things like my Lisa Frank notebook or my Tamagotchi. Some of them actually do have results.

What we're gonna do for the last thing is we each get to roll one more time on the fancy gear table. Oh, let's go. Oh, nice! But we're gonna re-roll anything we got last time. Okay. So we're gonna try to get new stuff. So starting with Galileo. What, is it 20? Roll on the... DM, help me here. What's the fancy, fancy table? D12. D12? And the GM's gonna read it out. Yep. Three.

Roll again. Yeah, we're gonna have to do a bunch of rolls here, so be patient. Four. Four. You have a stick of gogurt. You came prepared. Does it have any abilities? It does. When you use the gogurt... Wait, is this equipment or weapons? It's equipment. It's equipment. You may consume the gogurt for d4 hit points. You can heal. Do you have more flavor? That's up to you.

You don't want me to pick. Yeah, you brought this with you. Strawberry banana. Definitely strawberry banana. He chose turkey dinner, everybody. No! No! Never mind, I withdraw. There is rapid quaffing. Sorry, what did you say that it did? 1d4 healing. 1d4 healing? Yeah. And it is right. You have rapid quaffing. We are rapid quaffing. As far as I'm concerned, we've got it. That means that on your turn, you can quaff. Slam a jam. Slam a jam. Hit the banana slammer. Without interrupting your turn. I'm rolling. 11. 11? Nice.

You've snuck a six-pack in. Nice. It counts for six beers. No way. That's humongous. I just added that one today. Slam it in the... We roll up in February O'Hooley Ann's Newsman. Oh, yeah. And we're just slamming brews in the parking lot. Guys, guys, come on, come on. We're going to pregame in the parking lot. Yeah. Oh, get it up under my...

Puppet hole! Get it all up in there! Oh god, Gary! Oh god, Gary, Gary, Gary! It's mostly hygienic! D12 is mostly hygienic. Uh oh. With a one, you brought a small pocket knife. Oh!

That's classic Gary! That's classic Gary! I smugged it in! I got you the metal detector! Keep in mind it's not an official weapon. You might be able to think of- Does it do anything? No. It's just a small pocket knife. It doesn't do anything yet. It's a tool. It's not like a weapon. It's a utility knife or just a pocket knife? Like a Swiss Army knife. Like a Swiss Army knife. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So like the little guy. I got a 9.

A nine? You brought a flask which holds one drink. Sweet. Nice. That's very Andy Cohen. That means we have seven drinks between the signal before we even step foot in the local cheese. We learned from last week, boys. Do you want to roll to see if you brought it full? Yeah, absolutely. I'll roll a d6. Evens or odds? You choose. Evens. Is it full? Odds or it's empty? Odds. It's empty. I'll have to fill it. I'll have to fill it.

Real Andy never would fuck that up. I mean, you could add one beer and say it's empty. We'll see what happens when we get into the parking lot. So that is the level up process. Thank you for partaking in it. I have nothing left to say. I'm turning it over to our game master for the evening. Oh, that's to me. That's me. And we're back.

- If you a grown up with a death wish and a fist full of tokens, then bring your bad decisions down to the local cheese. Everyone high fives. - Yeah! - We've got pizza, we've got games, we've got fully licensed brutal brawls with local weirdos. Everybody celebrates as though they just won a prize. - And the local cheese is expanding new games, new food options, everything deep fried to perfection.

And as many beers as you could possibly want, so long as that number is two or less. Everyone chugging beers. Everyone eating hot pizza. I love pizza. Oh, pizza's very yummy. Radical. The local cheese where the floors are sticky, the rules are fake, and every night is fight night.

- Fight night! ♪ Cheese, cheese, never leave ♪ ♪ Give us some more cheese pretty please ♪ - The local cheese is not legally responsible for injury, stolen goods, possession, sudden glitching, arcade-related psychosis, or ticket-based reincarnation. Void where prohibited. - This would be good. - Andy, Gary, you're in the

parking lot of the local cheese. Standing next to your car, however you got here. - No, we came up with a Fireberg. - Oh, you did? - Yeah. - Oh, okay. - Old Fireberg. - Okay, okay. - Or maybe an El Camino. - I was gonna say-- - Oh, the El Camino! Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. - I own the El Camino. - Be glad he said that because I was gonna drive in a 1993 Toyota Tercel. - Yeah, we drive up in a beat up old Camino. - No, no, they revoked my driver's license from all time. - That's right, he's still on probation. - Yeah, I'm on probation.

You're waiting for your two friends, Knuckles and Galileo. Where are they? Gosh! You know what? They're always late.

I know, last week it was, you know, the news van they rolled up in late. Like, what are we doing, Gary? Yeah, how the heck did they get February O'Houlihan's old day old news van? I don't know, you know, we should ask them about that. You know, they roll up and they think just because they can broadcast propaganda to the local masses that their car is cooler than ours, just because R.L. Camino needs a bit of a detailing. He has character, okay? Just because there's a family of cockroaches and also raccoons. No, those aren't cockroaches.

Maybe the raccoons are real. Yeah. Yeah. There's a lot of Cheeto dust in there. Well, that's from you. I actually found a mummified gusher the other day. It was still good. Oh. It was still good. Well, waste not, want not. You're having this conversation, and you hear the putter of not a news van, but instead of a small motorbike, Brutus.

As you see Galileo riding what is the pizza delivery motorcycle from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. Secret of the Ooze. And massive on the back of the motorcycle. Not even in a car seat, he's holding it in the back. He was holding it in the back. Unfortunately, the news van was in for repairs today and you putter up to the neighboring spot.

I hear they calm down. I hear they aren't. Careful! Oh my god. Guys! What took you so long? We made it. Where's the news van? Yeah, Jimbo! Why was he riding bitch? What? What? Jimbo! It's been too long. Why are you calling him Jimbo? I can't remember the model. It's like knuckles! It's knuckles! Oh, you're talking to me? No, no, no, no! There it is! There it is! Gary, how much have you had to drink, though?

It's definitely not a viking, it's definitely a gary dano. Definitely, definitely a gary dano. Look, don't call me the rhino, alright? Oh, I mean, I'm sorry, sorry, sorry. I'm not THE rhino. I mean, sorry, Knuckles. I'm, I'm, I'm A rhino. Sorry, Knuckles. I'm so...

Go ahead. I was just laughing at getting the voice. I didn't know what to say there. If you laugh too much like that, we're all going to take one-way tickets to Goon Lagoon.

What happened to the van, guys? Oh, it's in for, uh... February has it in for repairs. How do you guys even know February will land? That's a long story. We know way back. When are you going to introduce us? We have kind of a style thing going on. You know, I'm afraid that you guys would...

would maybe change the dynamic. What? Oh, yeah. Look at us. We're cool as hell. And I would, why would you assume that I would ask her to try to zip up that one, that tracksuit? Why would you assume that I would try to dare her to try to zip it up? At this point, I'm not even sure why she connects the sides. I mean, exactly right.

It's a little shit, I mean, you know. I wouldn't say anything degenerate or perverted or uncalled for like that. No, it's just a general issue kind of in that area. What? Galileo, man, come on. I drive an El Camino. It's cool. It's bitchin' his head. Yeah, look at that.

Well, it's not- it's pretty nice. Yeah. It's not quite as nice as this sweet ride here. Look, just do me a favor. The next time you see February, just ask her if she wants to take a ride in the El Camino, alright? Yeah! I'll see what I can do. Thanks, man. That's what buds do. We'll clean out all of the past blue ribbon cans out of the back. Yeah, and I'll see if I can get the family raccoons out of the trunk. Oh, you'll have to have middle of high life. The champagne of beer. I do. Like, $2,000. I don't even know how much of those.

Look, here's the thing. I tried to get my mom's station wagon, but there's a function down at the school, some kind of gala or something. Oh, another big sale, baby. Yeah, she had a bunch of, like, wicker baskets she was bringing in. I don't know what it was for, but, yeah, she couldn't let me use the station wagon. Oh, is that why? Is that why?

Is that why Galileo didn't go on account of it being the Knights of Columbus? That's very funny. I do have that really specific weakness. The Catholic poison. As you know, the Knights of Columbus often deal exclusively in Catholic poison. That was really weird last week. Did you ever discover what was in Catholic poison? No.

I don't know man. Cause you should avoid that at all costs. I definitely died and then somebody blew up my whole body. So I mean... Yeah, right in the goop. Who woulda gooped you with that rocket launcher? What? Who woulda ding-donged you? I can't believe that robot's in there. Things got really out of control last time. I mean you literally fucking died. I mean, I don't know how you're gonna be around that. I forgot that we both died. I think Gary died. You know guys...

You know guys, the thing is that when I died, I really thought that I would kind of rise up and see the pearly puppet gates. You know, I thought I saw Jim Henson up there and he was waiting for me and it was going to be beautiful. But then I realized that was just my brain shutting off in my puppet body. Then it was just the void.

It was just nothing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's nothing waiting for us after this. Look, enough with the talk, man. I need a beer. I don't know about you guys, but I need a beer. And I think it's time for the honorary weekly tradition of comparing how many tokens we each have. And I pull out however many tokens I might start this session with. And if I can't ask...

Should we roll for how many tokens we get to start with? I think that we will have a bit of a roll to see how many you kept, but I will also say that the twists that we enjoyed from the hype train will also be distributed evenly. I believe that we got to level 12? 11. So all of you get to enjoy three, except for one of you.

Well, it's not gonna be me. I basically saved the day. Not it? I'll take the hip. Wait a minute. I feel like Galileo is the weakest link here. Then give him the extra token, man. He can probably use an extra beer. You're right. The strongest one gets the handicap, just like mini-golf. Oh.

The greatest and handsomest and best driving skill, especially while a few... It may not matter who takes the hit. It may not matter because, in addition, roll a d4 and find out how many additional tokens you have. Because y'all came prepared to play. So start with two tokens. No, not twists. They're tokens. They're tokens. Right? They're not twists. They're tokens. They're tokens now. Okay. And now we overreach roll a d4. Oh, fuck.

I start off with an extra four, I got seven tokens, let's fucking go. I start off with an extra one, I have three tokens. I'm loaded with tokens. The other thing I forgot to do during level up, which we can do upon entering the local cheese is roll a new idiosyncrasy. Oh! Let's do that. Upon entering the local cheese. Do you want to do that first beer? What? Do you want to do that upon drinking the first beer? Sure, depends on when that first beer happens. That's what I was gonna say, I mean... Here's the thing guys.

Look, I need a beer. I need a beer. I didn't get the station wagon, but she left before Galileo picked me up, so I managed to go to the fridge in the garage, and in the back there, I think I snagged a few fellas. Whoa! And so, I'm wearing cargo pants with so many pockets. Yeah! Oh! And I'm wearing... Oh, yeah! I have six different cargo pockets. Hell yeah! And there's a beer in each one. What kind of beer is it? Oh, man. Um...

Because I can see it being either very cheap beer or one of those extremely expensive, like, uh, Dogfish Head 120s. Like, you just saw it! All you had was a Sam Adams variety pack. Oh!

I don't mind. I got Uncle Fezzy wigs. Oh, I have the Christmas one. What is this one? Winter something? Oh, winter, what you call it? Oh, it's the Christmas holiday. Yeah, that's fine. That's fine. Legally distinct Oktoberfest. I got Dennis Gitty Flask, the 1994 promotional tie-in beer from the...

film the MGM Studios film Dennis Get Ye Flask. How old are these beers, man? I mean, they were in the back of the thing. How old have they been in that thing, Don Fritz? It says four and a half percent. That's all that matters, right? 1994 was actually last year. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. First off, great fucking thinking. Third of all, you had to swipe these from your mom? How old are you? Aren't you like 42? I don't know.

I mean, yeah, I'm 42, but I'm not supposed to go in the fridge in the garage. Alright, well, cheers! I'll drink to that! Cheers! Parking lot beers! Yeah! You all start chugging when all of a sudden you hear a and a police officer rolls up. No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

What?! Whoa! Cheese, cheese, cheese! You're always in a hurry! You do the local cheese! You do the local cheese! You don't. Instead you enjoy the beverage that you distribute, that has been distributed from Knuckles, and you have, I believe, two beers left. Keeping those deep in your cargo pants pockets, you begin to make your way towards the entrance of the local cheese.

and it's there that you see the glowing windows, all of them shaded, darkened, the bright neon sign of the local cheese with its animated pizza and mascot therein. You also see the two bouncers who are at the front, one of them wearing a deep red

a very tight tee, uh, t-shirt. The other one wearing a, uh, mustard yellow, very tight t-shirt. Both of them absolutely massive, huge muscles, very tall. Both of them wearing, uh, uh, sunglasses and totally bald. Arms crossed. Welcome to the local cheese! Well, thank you. May we enter? Yeah! My D. Let me see some my D. Oh! Fine. My D! I get out my wallet. Oh, actually, it makes me feel quite good. It's right there. Dude, I'm 36, man!

Alright, you can go. Thank you. There you are. I'm actually a sovereign citizen. Alright. I don't need an ID. I'm gonna pull my wallet cane out and I'm just gonna open the flap and it has the plastic window. Can you just see it from here? I mean, it's right there. See? For what it's worth, Gary's like 456. I don't need ID. He's like 400 years old. I'm 42.

We see you every week. I gotta do it. The manager asks. Damn it, Reggie. Fine, let me get my special wizard-specific identification. The mysterious orb. I want to mess with you again.

This pulsating orb emerges from Gary. Crackling. It shoots me as an embryo, and it shoots my entire life. Gary, what the fuck? Both of the bouncers are like, oh, yeah. That's a mysterious orb for you. All right, all right. Don't look at me at it, guys. Don't look at me at it. Oh, yeah, definitely burnt your eyes. I just experienced centuries of life. Yeah.

Yeah, you might, your lifespan may be reduced by a couple years, but don't worry about that. That's just the mysterious orb guarantee. I'm gonna worry about that. Don't worry about it. You guys can go on in.

All right, we proceed. You pop in through the door, and it's clear that you suddenly are struck by the same neon lights, the radical graffiti on the walls, all of the usual sights, but reconfigure. It seems that they've been doing some redecorating since you've come in, uh,

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I don't like change. There are still tubes in all directions, but it seems like everything's been Rubik's cubed. Where you would normally expect the bar to be on the left, the barcade is now on the right, and you have to walk through it to get to the arcade. You can't go around it and down the hallway past all the myriad of vintage posters that they had stuck on the wall. No, no, no, guys, no!

No! Aw, dang it! What's the problem? Dang it, I can't believe this! Every day, I wake up, nauseated that I have to go to my shitty job. Yeah. And I go there, I slave away for ten hours, barely doing anything. Yeah! And the fact that they ask me to do anything at all is egregious. How dare they? What an abusive workplace! And I get done, and I go home, and I don't even know what to do.

I don't even want to play video games anymore, man. I don't even, I don't even like feel like I want to play video games anymore. Yeah. And then I stay up and I browse the internet for way too long. Yeah. And then I stay up and I think tonight's the night I'm going to go to bed early. I'm going to change my life. Yeah. And then maybe tomorrow I'm going to put in that job application. Yeah. And then I don't. And next thing I know the sun is rising and I get like an hour of sleep and I have to go back to my job. And Friday night and Saturday night is the only thing

that I have and-and-and now it's changed! Yeah. I-I-I need- this was the one constant in my life, man! You guys and the local cheese!

I mean Andy, we kinda bazooka'd the whole place last week! I mean how are they not gonna redecorate? Uh... Oh yeah, last week was pretty fucking awesome. Yeah, yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Awesome! And there's one thing that'll never change, Andy. The boys, man! Yeah! The boys will never change! We're here together! And then on Saturday, I'm gonna convince you all like every week to spend $20 on a game we'll all play for 15 minutes and then we'll play for... I know, you really gotta stop doing that. I'm really running out of money.

I already got this week's game in mind. Listen, guys, I don't know what tonight's going to hold, especially with all the changes in the local cheese, but promise me, when we're 56, when we're 66, we're still going to be doing this, right? Absolutely, and he's the thing. Wait, we're time traveling back when I was 66? Oh, you're 566. You don't count, Gary. And you're 766. You'll be there still, right? How old am I? Let me come home. When do we do this? No, no! Oh! Oh! Oh!

I'm sorry! I'm sorry! You all experience 100 different years of life. Get a driver's license, man! The thing that's so strange is that it's a different life every time. You experience 500 different years of life.

Every time he looks at the orb, he gets prestige. Shaking it off, you hear a voice of, whoa, weird orb, dude. Do you guys want a table? And you look over, and next to the entrance is a kiosk. And standing in front of there, as opposed to the normal sign that says, please seat yourself, is someone waiting to actually take you to a seated table. What the hell? What? Aww.

Wait, we have hostesses now? We can't just go sit down in a normal booth? No, we do assign tables now. Assign? What?!

Oh, God. Are you gonna give us a buzzer? No, no, no, no. What happens when we get our pizza? We want to move to a different booth. We would just get up and do that before. No, you can't. I got like a whole thing here. Well, can you just assign us to our booth? Yeah, I'm gonna. How many is it gonna be? It's four of us. Four of us. Four of us. Same as it's always been. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Same as it ever was. Welcome to the local cheese where the cheese goes on forever. Oh, yeah. First of all, it was fine. First of all. First of all. Gary, get the fuck out.

Stop, man! You're not helping! You, uh, are walked with some menus to the first available. And, uh... Oh no! They're gonna give us the high table in the middle! And we're gonna sit down! Gary, come on! The bed and seats are good for my shell! You sit down and you realize the booths aren't actually attached to the floor, so they scoot in an awkward manner. Oh!

Ohhhhhhhhhh. What the fuck is this? Why would we let Gary walk in first? Your waitress will be there with you in a moment. Thanks for coming to the local cheese. Oh man. You know, maybe this is a bad time to bring this up, but you're like what, 400 something? Like when are you gonna die?

You know, long. Andy, are you kidding? I've been, now I'm like fronting with my own mortality. I was worried about if Gary dies, I might even have a Ford Red. Them moving the bars really sent you through some. I'm struggling, Galileo. I'm really struggling. Change isn't that bad, Andy. It's not good either. It's not that bad. You're right, but it's not that bad. Don't worry about it, all right? Oh, how I'll die? I guess I should consult. No, no, no more. No more, Gary. I can't take it, man. Okay, okay.

Look, look, if Gary dies, we have a futon that no one's sleeping on. Oh, that's true. We probably don't have stuff. We don't have room for Kevin. Your emu. Listen, if Gary dies, his last remaining wish is for me to take care of the emu. Okay? I'm not leaving Kevin behind. Yeah. Well, I mean, we could probably make room in the, you know, maybe in the power room. We've always had that rule about pets. No pets that can't be buried at sea, you know? How...

Oh, why can't emu be buried in seagull oil? Oh no, I mean the toilet, man. Anyway, you ever had an emu die one of your- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

isn't it your emu i mean yeah technically i bought it with money

A bar? I mean, technically it was an investment. With money? It was an investment. I thought that I was gonna finally make it big on emu farming and herding meat. We should probably roll for idiosyncrasy. I was gonna go to one of those millennial burger joints that have- they don't have appetizers, they have shareables, they don't have sandwiches, they have handhelds. And then I was gonna say, "Oh, you know, you can make great emu burgers." And then I realized in order to get more emus, I needed to have more than one.

And then I needed to Noah's Ark that shit and I forgot. Look, we're gonna smuggle Kevin in, alright? We'll find room for him, just don't worry about it, alright? Don't think about death for the rest of the night. I'll try not to. You all hear a voice and, uh... There's a strange growth ending. You turn... Claire! Claire! In my... I gotta tell you about it. I have a growth on my prostate. Oh, well that'll get out of the game. How long have you had a growth on your prostate, man? I was just going to get my prostate checked for fun as usual. Yeah!

I'm sorry that I have to tell you this, but- What the hell, Gary? What the hell did I do? I'm sorry. It was probably nothing. They're biopsying it. It's fine. It's probably fine. Gary, man. It's probably fine. I don't think I can handle any more bad news tonight. Can we just stop talking about death, please? Yeah, can I get a beer? I mean- Should I come back or do you want to- No, no. We need beers. We need beers.

Hi, my name is Crystal. Welcome to the local cheese where the cheese flows. What do you guys want? I just want a beer. I just want a beer. What kind of beer do you want? I want the same thing I get every week. I want the local cheese classic beer. I'll get you a classic. Oh, thank God they have it. Just a round. Just a round of classics, man. Just a round. Well, we get every week. We get every time. Just a round of classics. No respect for the regular. No apps right now. Actually, we come here a lot. I don't know if you do this. I know that you're new here, so...

We're actually regulars. Okay. Is Kjerimi working tonight? Kjerimi, I don't think he's still with us. Oh. He's still with us!

Yeah. Oh, he died? No, he was fired. I know, I heard from-- Oh yeah, I heard from his wife about the bad news. I was hoping that she was misinformed. Oh, poor Kajermi. Oh, Kajermi! I can't believe-- I mean, how many years? I mean, so many years. Kajermi waited on us. I mean, I think he's-- it feels like he's always been here. Oh gosh. All right, just get us a round of beers.

We're working through some stuff, okay? Yeah! Seems like an expectable, uh, establishment now. Do you have, like, chips and dip for the table? Crystal. Crystal, um, I have one more question for you. Yeah? Um... Don't you get us kicked out. Not this- not this stage. Not the orb. It's too early. Not the orb. No more orb, no more inappropriate- just ask your question. Don't ask her about mine goblins. If- if I ordered a- a- a- Nice. If I ordered a side of wings, so I get them half boneless and half bone-in?

I'll have to ask. Oh, could I also get him, like, maybe, like, half-half a garlic parm and half-mild? Do you want, like, like, four, like, a, like a, like a matrix of half-wing, half-bone, uh, garlic and the other wing? Wing matrices? Matrices here? Well, I have to ask. You have to ask? You have to ask. Uh, why don't you ask? They don't always do that. Why don't you ask? Uh, one last question. Um, what do you think happens when we die? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Crystal, please just ignore that. Crystal, what do you mean, "What do you mean, "how do you mean, "please don't answer that?" Just please go get the beers. The card mines wouldn't know! I'm gonna have a panic attack if you answer. I think the answer changes depending on how you die. No, please stop! And she walks away. I swear, if- I just- I just want a local cheese, local beer. That's all I want. That's all- Look, this is the last thing I'm gonna say on death, alright? And then we're done, okay?

We know from last week that after Galileo drank the Catholic poison, he ascended to Catholic heaven. So we know the Catholic heaven is at least real, right? So you're saying that it is completely dependent upon how you die. I'm a poison for the Catholics. No, I know you don't believe in it, but it literally happened to him. He got gooched to hell. I'm not sure what I saw, Knuckles. I'm going to be straight with you, man. I don't know what I saw. Oh, I definitely saw Catholic heaven. I think that may have been just like an A.

a mind prison hallucination as his brain shut off. I think it's just the void. I just gotta say. I think it's just the void. Moments later, the four tall glasses of beer on a tray arrive. Crystal returns. How many tokens is it per beer? It's two, I believe. Oh my god, I'm down to one? I don't know, Gary. I don't know.

You're going to one token, brother! Yes, it's two per beer. I give two tokens for my beer. Galileo, thanks for getting me this beer, buddy. I didn't get you that beer! Thanks. Here you go. Thank you. Here you go. Here you go. Thanks for coming. Gary, give her the two tokens, man.

I've really had it up to here with you. We've only been here for ten minutes. I gotta put her out of my room. Did she just sneeze in my beard? She's already gone. This is an incredibly important follow-up question. Is she hot?

'Cause that's entirely true, 'cause if so, if so, it is already gone. She's got kind of a Jeanine Garofalo thing going on. You make your own decisions. The fuck is Jeanine Garofalo? You don't know-- You don't know Jeanine Garofalo? Uh, thank god you didn't know because I know, but if you would like to show the picture so I can see it. We all know who Jeanine Garofalo is, right? Yeah, it's the time!

Garofalo... You decide for Galileo what's worth. Mystery Man... Mystery Man... I could go on all day. I do know her. Ben Stiller? Anyway. Alright, guys. We gotta roll our idiosyncrasies. But also, cheers.

Cheers. To the second beer of the night. I mean, the first beer of the night. To the first beer of the night. To the first beer of the night. Here, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,

Oh, but didn't they stomp you every time last time? Oh, that's a good question. I wonder if there's a new system. Oh no, are they digitally tracking us? Shit! Probably by a table. Look, look, look. This is why I said we can't get off the grid years ago. No, fuck it. It doesn't matter. We'll cross that bridge when we get there. Cheers. Cheers. Beer number two. Beer number two. Glug, glug, glug. You are great. And at the bottom of your beer glasses, you realize that there are air tags floating around at the bottom. Oh, no!

No! Ah! What the hell is this piece of plastic in my beer? Does the beer taste like a local cheese, local beer? It tastes exactly the same. Oh, thank god. You are thrilled to find that wherever they-- I was gonna seriously crash out if they changed the beer. No, no. Yeah, we was gonna crash out of hope. As soon as it hits your lips, you're like,

Familiar home. Death, taxes, and local beer at the local juice. That's right. The local classic is as classic and local as it could be. Okay. You know what this reminds me of, fellas? What? I went to P.F. Chang's last Friday. Oh, yum. I got the Chang's Northern Style Spare Ribs. Oh, I love those. I've been getting those fucking things for unironically like 15, 20 years. 15 years. I'll make a list, if not longer. And they changed the spice blend. No. They changed the rub.

No! What's with everybody changing? You know, nothing lasts forever. I think that should be punishable at least by high treason. After all these years? After all these years. They changed the spice blend? Why do we have to- why do people have to change, man? I know. Peter Chang, you better answer this.

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You can also go to thecrookedmoon.com to pick up your own copy of our first published supplement, The Crooked Moon, a folk horror tome for Dungeons & Dragons 5th edition. And don't forget to snag all of the extra goodies like dice, miniatures, plushies, a tarot deck, and more. Thank you. We should roll our ideas. Don't let me call up Mr. Masciano! Everybody roll a D8 for me. Starting with you. Starting with Galileo, D8.

You're probably gonna have to re-roll, so just be aware. If you heard P.F. Chang's, you're wrong. It's B.F. Chang's. Boyfriend Chang's. Eight. Eight. Uh, you, uh, have a problem with authority. Two. You secretly crave the taste of Gak. Six. You guys have a wonder of... Uh, you're always just a little bit sleepy.

Uh, and my idiosyncrasy is that I'm Andy. Yes. I am now faced with the crushing reality that my job sucks, the world is changing, and the 13 beers is not the same as it was last week. You roll a nine. Now what, guys? I feel a little bit better that I've got a beer in me, but I don't know, I just, things feel off this week. Well, now I got two beers in me, because we pre-gamed, don't forget. That's right, I've marked down two drink totals. Oh, that means I'm drunk, man. No, the next one.

Oh, that's right. More than two times your toughness with a minimum of two. So once you hit three, you'll be drunk. Unless your toughness is one. My toughness is zero. Minimum two. So once you get to the third, that's when it activates. You have to get past the... Past the... More than two times your toughness below minimum two. Oh, we're gonna be feeling real fucking dizzy.

So, uh... Ah! Your hat got in my eye, Gary. Guys, what do you think happened to my Buster Sword and my Fire III materia? You know, it was probably lost in the destruction that we caused. Yeah. It's hard to say. I got exploded, so... And then resurrected at a certain point. It just kind of picked up and...

Gary, you look a little tired, man. What's going on? Pep up. Come on. Well, can we get you like an energy drink? I feel like I need to crack a vodka Red Bull. I need a problem to this bar. I mean, listen, Gary, twist my arm a little. I might get a vodka Red Bull with you, buddy. Come on, twist my arm. I know that's why we're both problems in the bar, James. How about a whole round? What do you think? A whole round.

I'm down. I'm off to get up to get down. You know, I think my sleep apnea machine is maybe on the fritz. I don't think I got a good night's sleep earlier. All I'm saying is that we had to be careful with those vodka Red Bulls because after a few of those, the alcohol problem becomes everybody's problem. Exactly right.

They make it feel like you got wangs. You know what I mean. You know what I mean. Crystal starts to walk by and then she catches your eye, Gary, and she runs up. Yo, Crystal! She, oh. I forgot to say, they don't do the Wings Matrix on Saturdays. Oh, shit. I thought it was Friday. Oh, but it's Friday. So they do the Wing Matrix. Do they do it on Fridays? It's too busy on Fridays and Saturdays. They can't do it. They can't handle it. It's too much in the back.

Okay. Who's the- who's- if you don't mind me asking, who's the chef back there? Roll a d12 for me. Five. Tonight it's Kyle. I don't- guys, I don't think we know Kyle. I don't know, doesn't sound familiar to me. Is he new? I think so, they've been making a lot of changes. Even the cooks are new? Oh, the chefs? The chefs are new? A lot of the chefs are new. Oh no. What happened to Cadouglas?

He was fired, I said that. You guys want another round? No, that was Kajirimi. K-Douglas. K-Douglas? Was he fired too? Is everyone's name starts with a "K"? I guess not anymore! I guess I'm Karistel. That's very funny. Wasn't that funny. Gus, uh, I have a question. Yeah? Does the, um, does the bread that come with the soup come on the side? You think we put the bread in the soup? Oh, it could be French onion. It's on the side, yeah.

I'm not kidding. Do you want anything? Are you just gonna sit here? Uh... I mean... Four vodka Red Bulls, please. Yeah, I guess we'll take another round of drinks. Four vodka Red Bulls. I'm down to three tokens already. While after she gets our order and she goes away, I want to do something, but I can hear that Gary's about to say something, so I stop him. Are your fried pickle chips, Brendan?

I can check in the back. Yeah, I think you can check. I'll check. You can check, thanks. I'll check. And then come right back. I'll be right back. Yeah, I'll be right back. Once she leaves, the first thing I immediately do is I begin to look around the bar to see what the clientele looks like, to see if anybody's left any unintended drinks that we can steal, and what the vibe is of the bar compared to last week. Make a presence test. Sure. Oh, I got a natural fucking 20. Nice! First brawl.

You see everything. You see it all. You look around at the clientele. You recognize the meatheads that you confronted a weekend... Seven days ago. And one of them is eating pizza and watching their hand regrow. Dr. Manhattan style. You are...

Uh, you look around, uh, the clientele seems largely the same. Despite the changes, uh, what you would expect, uh, of the, uh, the arcade, uh, hasn't, uh, uh, deterred any of the usual folks that you would, that you would see here on a Friday night. Um, there are, uh,

Oh yes, the Goth Girls! Very young.

kids in another booth with skateboards all sort of like rolling their feet out as they eat very dangerously into the aisle. You also get a sense of-

Uh, the- in terms of the drinks and everything, the new staff, uh, however they're enforcing the stamps, perhaps they're not- they've not been told, uh, there are drinks just sitting out on the bar. Uh, they aren't as experienced, and they don't have the keen eye of the- the- the usual staff that you're used to. At least in terms of the front, uh, restaurant. Okay. Alright, guys. I- I have- I have an idea. You know when I said that I think that the-

Maximum was gonna be extra overly enforced this week. Yeah. It might be the opposite. They might not be ready to enforce it at all. Now, don't do anything yet. Especially you, Gary. I only got one thing I'm talking about! Shhh! Look over there. And I point to where all the drinks are lined up. I'm not beyond stealing from the local cheese. I prefer to steal for drinks that have already been paid for. You know, we gotta support our local businesses.

But nobody's watching those drinks. Yeah, but, Annie, remember what happened last time? We tried to steal drinks? No. I turned into a monkey and you fucking killed the guy with your sword! Look, like George Washington said, "Stay strapped or get clapped." Okay? I don't go anywhere without my Mokotami. He did say that. It's fucking crazy if you think that I wouldn't. Oh! Did you say that you needed a nap?

I always carry a pocket knife on me. That's good to be prepared. Here, my EDC, here you go. Oh, I don't need it. Oh, wait, oh, you just hold on. No, I never listened to EDC. Wait, I thought you said you needed to die. I mean, if you need me to... I thought you said you needed to die. Do you need to die for something? I thought you said you needed to die. No, I didn't. No, I don't think I said that. Okay. Too real. Too real. Moments later, Crystal arrives. She's got a wide brown tray with, uh...

Vodka Red Bulls, and she sets them all down. Wow, Gary, this is nice! That's the worst thing you've ever done. Uh... Oh, Crystal, did you... Did you need help opening a beer? Ah!

No, these are- no. Gary's really prepared. We have all the- we have all the- right. Hey everybody! Look at this guy! I mean he's got a Swiss Army knife! Oh, this guy's ready for any situation! See, nobody cares. Oh, and he's super cool! Nobody fucking cares. I thought you asked for it. Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. I thought you asked for it. Your friend here has a Maul Katana? Yeah. Yeah.

See, we don't care about the knife. Okay. It's the local cheese. Okay, I'm gonna let you know I'm a little sleepy. Anyway. Pep, I have a question! She's got a Red Bull Vodka. The pickles are breaded. Oh! I have a question. Um... Hold on. Oh, ooh! Ooh, soy-glazed salmon. What? Is the salmon grass-fed?

Salmon at my local cheese? I don't know if it says it on the menu. Can you guys sit in the back? It's the same as grass fed. I really need to know if the same is grass fed. I need you to make a presence test. Uh oh. Uh oh. You can add your presence to the d20 roll. Oh, I got a plus two to that. 20. Nice. With a 20?

Yeah, I'll ask. She turns and she walks away. Vodka Red Bulls? She set them all down. Alright, guys. Who's paying for my extra one? I'll get this one. I'll get this one. I got this one. I'll have two tokens left.

No, he still has one token. Make him pay his one token. Oh, yeah, you just give him one token. Oh, no, no, no, no. Oh, this is not fair. Oh, yeah. That's the way to go. Jimbo. Jimbo. No, that's for calling him Jimbo, you asshole. I gave you a free beer in the parking lot, and you call me Jimbo? Fine. So Gary's down to zero tokens, and Galway only has two. How much was the first drink worth? Two each. It was two for the first. Two for every drink. Two for any drink. Okay. So you're just giving Gary one token. So I've spent five at this point, then. No, just three.

Why don't I spend two for the first drink, two for this drink, and myself and I give him half. You're right, you're right. I apologize. I'm out of tokens now though. Guys, this is... We're out of money already. This has been a rough week. Yeah. It really has. Now that we've got some Red Bull vodkas, we're gonna be real proud. Yeah.

I think you were just saying there's more in the bar though, Andy. I mean, I couldn't get many hours at the record store. Jesus, that's grim. Yeah, and so I'm doing what I can, and you know, Ma had spent so much on those wicked baskets, so she didn't have much pocket change. Yeah, how's your Ma doing? Oh, she's doing okay. Is her treatment going well? You know, Gary...

I was so sad to hear this. We said we weren't gonna talk about death, bro. I appreciate that you're thinking of my ma. Sorry, I'm just- But I'd rather not talk about death. Okay, we don't gotta talk about it. If you don't mind. The doc's gonna decide what treatment I go on. It's just depending on how the buyout thing goes. Everybody's had three drinks. I'm pretty sure everybody at this table is now drunk. Yes. Now you only roll on the table every other drink.

Instead of every drink, so it'd be every other drink. So we need to roll for drunkenness. Is it a d20? Yeah. It is. Or we were rolling with starting with mace. Well, you're drunk, so now you have to see what the effect of the drunkenness is. Oh shit, okay. We'll start with mace. D20? Yep. Three. Three. In your drunken state, you lose d6 tokens and/or d6 tickets. My choice. Hmm.

I'm gonna say token. Oh! Oh no! You're sloppy drunk! Oh, there go all my tokens. Oh my god. We're all broke. You hear a sound.

And it rolls underneath the booth and disappears. What was that? Did you guys hear that? What was that? No, I didn't hear anything. No, weird, man. I'm just drinking. God, this is really fucking good. I mean, usually Red Bull tastes like shit. I got a six. Put a little vodka in it and it tastes great! You have a girlfriend, but no, you cannot meet her because she goes to work in a different state. Roger that. Roger that. Gary? I got a five. You got a five. You get the munchies.

Ma'am, I can't- I don't know why she's not digging my order. It's crazy. Uh, I also got a three. Did anybody else roll a three? Yeah. I rolled a three. Yeah. Oh shit. Well, that one is the- I mean, that one's reasonable, but- Yeah. Up to the GM. Roll again. Yeah, let's mix it up.

14. 14. You start to feel hungover. The world no longer has any joy. Nothing's changed! Man, Andy, you know, you're really bumming me out. It's Friday night, man. It's Friday night at the local cheese. This is normally your happiest moment. What's going on? Oh, I don't know. All of a sudden, it just hit me like a ton of bricks and like...

I don't know, it's like I'm just catching up to me. I'm feeling like I'm a little hungover. Oh, yeah. You don't look good. No, I don't feel good, man. What's getting you down, dude? You just had too much last night? No, I... It was Thursday, buddy. It was Thursday. It was Thursday. I didn't really get too messed up. You know, I'm wondering if somebody...

Might have slipped me something if they drugged my 19 beers, 4 shots of vodka, 6 Jager bombs, and 3 high noons. Oh my god. You think somebody could have poisoned me? You think it was Kevin? From last night? Yeah, if somebody poisoned me... Oh, shit. There's no way it was Kajerm, eh? What the fuck's a high noon? You think that's why they're firing?

It's 2003. Oh, yeah. I knew it. Oh, it's those cocktails. With jack and orange juice. Oh, you did that? Oh, my head is pounding. I'm also going to sleep here.

You hear another loud obnoxious sound somebody yelling as they are walking through the restaurant and will turn and coming in from the entrance is a person with bright blue hair dyed and spiked in all directions. They're wearing an

an elaborately colorful outfit. And they have a gear pack that's attached to their waist. It's attached to a crane arm and you can see that there's clearly something almost like a GoPro pointing right at them with a circle light that's hitting them with all of this bright light. And they are starting to walk through the space.

That's right. It's your boy. It's Friday night. We're checking out the local cheese. There's been all kinds of changes. Everything's looking amazing. This is the new restaurant area. And they're like doing 360s. They are screaming. Everybody's paying attention to this loud and notch of guy. He continues to make his way as he's screaming through and

Uh, he walks past and into the arcade area, just yelling about the stream that he's doing in order to share with all of his fans. God, what a dick. I have a feeling, guys,

I'm gonna say this in a way that isn't admissible to court. I had a dream in Roblox. That guy probably isn't surviving the session. Before you can do anything about this obnoxious streamer or confront them or even talk to them, they are already out the restaurant and into the arcade area. And you hear us, but you do hear a second voice.

BROS! And you realize that the meatheads that you had confronted earlier have spotted you and the one who's still regrowing his tiny disgusting hand is- What the hell? Walks up. You guys were here last week, weren't you? Yeah. Yeah. I think we kill some of your plants. Every week, man. Yeah.

Yeah, you guys killed us all real good. Yeah, we drew down. You made me think about my life and really reflect. Yeah, I mean, the void really will change you, huh? It did, it did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you realize that there's really nothing waiting for us after we shed our mortal coil. I wanted to thank you guys for making me confront the bully nature. There's really nothing after...

Nothing left for us. - No, no there's not. - All that's left is darkness. - You gotta seize the good times when it comes, you know? - Yeah, you know. Yeah. - Sing a lovey and all that, you know? - So are you gonna give us a gift or something? - I'm glad we could help, man. - Are you gonna finish that? Are you gonna finish that beer, that pizza that you have with you? - No, I'm not gonna finish it. You want it? - Oh yeah, thanks, thanks, thanks. - He hands you a beer.

Oh, baby. Anyways, I just wanted to come by and say no hard feelings, and I hope you enjoy the games tonight, all right?

Enjoy the games tonight, okay. So no fighting, you're not gonna be like a bully and beat yourself up later? You're a full bully? No, I'm not. We don't need to use, like, nefarious or morally questionable time travel to mind-break you? To be subservient towards us? No, no, no. You guys stabbed me to death and I exploded into coins. I don't know what else to say. Good, good, good, good.

I want to remind you that even though that's a Maul Katana, it's got Hattori Hanzo-level steel and does 8,000 damage per slice. I know. Yeah, you wouldn't stand a chance, man. You wouldn't stand a chance now, so...

As long as we're cool. We're cool. We're cool. I'll see you guys around. I'll see you guys around. Alright. See ya, Chet. See ya, Chet. Goodbye, Chet. Whoever you are. See ya, Chet. I gotta be honest with you guys. I'm glad that they weren't here to pick a fight because I'm not in top form right now. Oh, I was ready to nut punch him. You were ready to nut punch him? Oh, yeah. Why don't you drink some more of your Red Bull? Oh, Chet! Chet! And you'll feel fine. I think the only way through this is up. Ah.

Another beer or two ought to take the edge off, right? I think you just need another drink, man. Yeah, get another drink. Sorry, I should have let you have Chet's beer. Chet, Chet, I forgot to answer your question. What's up? Did you need this knife? Did you need something to open something? Oh, you got a pocket knife? Did you need to open something? Did you need to open something?

No! I thought you said, "Kiri, I need to open something with a knife." Are you sure? Does it got the little, like, toothpick? Do you get the little toothpick that you just got? It does. It does. You know it. You know it. All right, cool. You stay there. No, okay. I just thought you said you needed to go down. No, no, I know. I'm good. Okay. Look at it.

And you still find yourselves in the sliding booths of the new local cheese restaurant in front of the arcade. I gotta get more tokens or I gotta swipe up here. Cause I'm running low.

- Why don't we hit the bar top, man? Nobody's looking, it's all laid out. - Yeah, what's a little bit of backwash, mother's friend? - Let's just get... - What Andy spied with a natural 20 was actually a tray of fresh beers waiting for someone to pick it up. These are not beers that were left aside. No one's turned away from them. A person poured them, put them on the actual bar top, and then a waitress does never pick them up. - Okay, I voted, codename James Bond,

goes and swipes them, I count him being in the Asia. Oh, yeah, Gal! I fucking dare you to go swipe those, and I dare you to go be a real ninja with steel at a very easel- Just act like you fucking own the place! All these things you're saying are exactly how you get me to do this, so I was sold on James Bond, but then you said that I wouldn't, and then you said you dared me, and so now I'm gonna go do it. Listen, Galileo, I gotta tell ya, this is the most important thing that could possibly happen tonight. You gotta do this. Yeah, no, I will. Don't fuck this up. Don't fuck it up. Go, ninja! Go, ninja, go!

Little big chocolate. Aw, yass. Give him a shell of a time. Alright guys, I'll be right back. With a tray full of drinks. You walk over, and you know that you do not look like the waitstaff. You are going to need to pick it up with a level of confidence and...

Stealth to get away with uh Grabbing this tray or grabbing the drinks and bringing them back over to your friend. So I need you to make um What's the word I'm gonna use here? Agility? No, I'm gonna make it- I'm gonna make it presence. It's gonna be- it's gonna be how cool he can pull this off. Oh, I think it's agility? He's acting with confidence. It's a- he's putting on a show. How acrobatically I can pull it off. Yeah. There might be an acrobaticality. How athletically I can pull it off. But it's gonna be- The past thought about confidence.

Uh, it's gonna be a normal test. It's gonna be a normal test. The DR is 12. And I roll a d20? Yep, and you add your presence, or subtract it. Can I twist at this point? Our twists are tokens. I turned our twists into tokens. That's why you can drink them so much. No! You spend every last one, Gil.

Okay, well I still I commit I hold true to my action. Yeah, and I attempt to steal the drinks. What do you get? I got a nine. You got a nine. And I have no presents. You feel confident. You feel like you can grab this tray. And as soon as you pick this up, you turn and you start to make your way back. All of you have eyes on Galileo and you're giving him the thumbs up when you hear a voice from across the restaurant.

"HEY! I THOUGHT I BANNED YOU GUYS LAST WEEK!" And that's where we'll take a quick break. Dang it, Reggie! Fuckin' Reggie. Dang it, Reggie! Well, I mean, fellas, here's the thing. HEY! You all hear the sound. I totally thank you for the reminder. Oh my god, Reggie!

You look, you all look and you see the familiar face of Reginald Squeakley, the manager. He is a very short individual, he's got large bottle cap glasses, his hair is slicked back, he's got a token dispenser on one belt and a pair of suspenders over his shoulders, and he's staring right at you, Galileo. I thought I banned you last week! I- fuck you!

He's taking it back. Hey, fuck you Reggie, you piece of shit! You're stealing beers! No, you're a bitch! I'm the manager! Fuck you Reggie! What do you mean fuck me? You have no power here! Oh no... Play your genres on the genres on the... Go get 'em, okay, okay? You have no fucking power here, Reggie! You don't even like your job! You don't think I have any power? He snaps his fingers like this, and all of a sudden, almost like magic,

Like this, the two massive security bouncers at the front of the entrance are standing at his side, red shirt and yellow shirt, and they're both pounding their fists into their hands, looking at you. You're gonna get kicked out again! I'm banning you right this second! You're outta here! You can't do that! Could I have tried to roller skate past the big bouncers? Are they between us and them? I'm just trying to see. I took off quick, and I'm on rollerblades.

What are you endeavoring to do? I am endeavoring to get to Reggie. Oh boy. Quickly. I don't think that you'd be able to get between Reginald and the bouncers. They arrive immediately at his side. Almost as if teleported. There were even a cool trail effect when they arrived. Oh, they're on his side. They're not in front of him. No, no, no. They're on either side of him. Ha ha ha!

I am rocketing between Reggie's legs. Yeah? And I'll give him a bit of a nut punch. Okay, okay. The second I see him coming, my hammer's gonna go to my head. You jump. I'm gonna need you to make a... I wish everyone was not screaming. Oh, the boys! I'm gonna need you to make a really hard DR. 16. You don't have to tell us the DR. I'm gonna make it a 16.

For what? Uh, to see if you are able to, um, get to him in time. Oh, what's that? Agility, maybe? Uh, yeah. Well, shit, I'm plus zero. Should've been presence. Oh, that may be a three. With a three. With a three. Ah!

Boys, get this guy in and uh, they're his friends right outta here! He uh, uh, fires a- I guess we gotta kill guys. He fires a grappling hook into the air. What?! And before- as you're sliding forward, uh, he is- he is uh, uh, connects to the ceiling and disappears through- You can't do this! Through one of the uh- Fuck you Reggie, that wasn't cool at all you little bitch! Through one of the ceiling panels and you are staring at two very angry bouncers. I need everyone to roll for initiative. Oh no!

Uh, okay. It's, uh, d6 plus your agility. Oh, six. Oh, six? Six plus your agility. Oh, d6, shit. And, uh, rulesmaster, do I do the same? Or is it always, uh, monsters last? No, you do the same. Three...

Five. I also got a five. Would you like to go before me? Umm... Probably makes sense. Probably makes sense in this scenario. Yeah, I'm hungover. I'm technically drunk, but I feel hungover. I'm already drawn down. I'm already drawn down. I got a tray of brews in one hand and my revolver in the other. I got a five. You got a five also. So I would say that you're actually gonna go first because you're the one who immediately rollerbladed. That's fair. That's very fair. I'm rocking towards them on my rollerblades. I'm gonna need some battle music.

I'm gonna switch over to Carl because... I think they're gonna start the limbo soon. They are, they are. It's that one limbo song that they always play. You gotta protect the goods Galileo! Don't sacrifice those! No, I won't! I'm as steady as a rock.

Oh, I get it, that's very funny. That was very nice. On account of Jimbo. His name's Knuckles, man. Oh, Knuckles. We have Knuckles, Andy, Gary, Galileo. I would say that you were back here. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm related. And that's where you were shouting across the area? Yeah, I was shouting across the bar. The second I saw Reggie, I knew he was a little bitch. You've made an enemy for life. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Um... Alright.

Top of the round, Gary, you are flying forward and your quarry, the manager, disappears through the ceiling. You're not able to get to him in time, but you are flying towards these brutal bruisers. I'm being out of count of being small. I'm in sport mode. I put my sunglasses down. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. Sorry.

Holy shit. And I rocket in between, uh, I think probably a big red over here. Oh wait, no, my friends are here. I'm gonna go to the yellow one over here. Mm-hmm. And I'm gonna try to go between his legs like I ain't being big and give him the old nut punch! Okay. Oops, sorry. And if I can, maybe, I mean, I do have a little pocket knife. If I could maybe try to, uh, nick his, uh, uh, femoral artery where it's growing. Uh-huh.

So that it bleeds out very quickly. It is not a weapon, remember that. I know, I know, I would enhance my Fist of Fury. Anyway, I would roll an attack. You take out the pocket knife and you pull out the tiny little scissors and you go in for the nut punch. I'm gonna do my Fist of Fury attack. Yep. Which is strength, I believe. Yep. Melee's all strength. Oh shucks, it's always baddest, what? Are you kidding me? Come on. Ooh! Killed it. 17! Absolutely killed it. 17, you hit. Roll for damage. And are they exploding D4s? Only if you're drunk. Yes, yes they are. Yep.

Okay, three. Uh, five points of damage. Well, so you also have plus one to damage dealt. Plus all of your drinks. Oh, so each one is plus one to damage dealt. Oh, every drink? Yeah. So you have plus three. You have plus three. So hold on. So I have four, because I got the... He stole a beer from Chet. I stole a beer from Chet. Oh, shit! So you have plus four. So I had five, nine points of damage. Nine points of damage. Hey, I'm a little sleepy now! You smack him like this, and your arm almost...

ricochets off of the tough exterior of this bouncer. Even though he goes down, he looks down at you. He's hurt, but not as hurt as you would have liked. Do you do anything else with your turn? I think that's all I can do, right? I think if I could go through his legs and go behind him, I don't know if that's part of, is that a maneuver that is allowed?

Gear's pretty small. It's on rollerblades. Uh, yeah, you know what? I'm gonna allow it because you're a puppet. Shit. I'm giving you essentially a halfling. I was here. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. Okay. Okay, you slide through. Do I need to roll for it or anything? No, I'm just gonna give that to you. And I slide through and I do a cool Akira slide, but it's flipped on rollerblades. You start to spin back around. Galileo, you're up. Uh-huh.

You had a nice run, nameless goons. Boom! And I fire my nerf gun. You can only do one thing, right? Move and attack. Move and attack. Move and attack. I'm gonna do, Derek, move a YouTube and search League Bitrush and just put on a looping, you know,

Oh, I'll also tell you. Oh, I don't have my music. I think Arcade 2017 is a perfect battle. The Arcade 2017... Yeah, so that's... I'm just gonna do Bit Rush. Arcade 2017 is Arcade 2019, and one of them is like straight up 8-bit. I think it's 2017. Bit Rush login screen animation theme in one hour? That's the one. I think they should be good. Oh, yeah. There you go. Now I feel like I'm fighting. Yeah, here we go. Okay. Um...

I still roll a d20, right? That's right. Yeah, you add your presence for melee. Or for range, sorry. For range. You're a little drunk. The third dart veers off. It veers off. It does one of these things where like the tail spins and then it just flies off. There's like a wind factor in here, I think. Do you move at all?

Oh, it's those industrial fans they installed! Oh, gosh! Stupid industrial fans! The only restart you had was missing a fin. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I'll move here. I'll just move, like, closer to my party, but... Andy, you're up. Um, I look to Knuckles and I say, Oh, man, I wasn't ready for this. I gotta shake this hangover. You wanna hit me with one of those pocket beers? You know what, Andy?

Because you're feeling so down and, you know, existential all the time, here you fucking go. Thanks. You deserve it, you've earned it. You can tell me if that takes my full action or if it takes a- We agreed about rapid quaffing. You can drink a beer and still enjoy your action. I'm hoping that it starts to make me feel better. I- I stand up as I draw my Maul Katana with one hand and with it kind of behind my back, almost dragging along the floor of the local cheese, I charge the guy on the right.

to, uh, to-to-to-to go shoulder to shoulder with my roommate Gary as I make a melee attack against, uh, the bouncer, the red bouncer on the right.

Ooh, that's gonna be a brutal miss. I'm still not feeling very well, and as the- as I bring the katana up from the ground, I accidentally hit it against one of the, uh, the- the booths next to me, and it causes me to, like, miss, and I just wildly swing over this guy's head. He does one of these real cool, and then he swings on back, and he's looking at you, uh, very, uh, angrily. I sway, and I- I put both hands on my katana, and I try to-

ready up for what's about to come. - These are the bouncers of the local cheese and they look like serious business. The yellow shirted bouncer turns and immediately goes after Gary, stomping forward. - You'll never catch me! - Furious from the, from the, - Oh no, you caught me! - The ball punch. And they are going to attempt to suplex you. He attempts to grab you. I need you to dodge. - Holy!

So you're gonna roll a d20 and add your agility to see what you get. Oh no! Holy! 19! Nice. He swipes down, but your, um, rollerblade cool style Akira slide is just enough to, uh, uh, for him to, uh, grasp nothing but air. And you are able to dodge this terrible move. Uh, at the same time, the, um... I did it! Ha ha ha!

At the same time, uh, the red shirted bouncer looks at you, Andy, and he's like, "You're going, uh, you're going down, son!" Yeah, bring it on! And he starts to, uh, he starts to, uh, punch forward. I need you to, uh, make a dodge. My edge roll is +2, thank god.

Uh, I got a dirty 20. A dirty 20. Um, you are able to dodge out of the way without too much issue. I like Drunken Master accidentally and step out of the way. Yeah. Stumble it. I do need you to make a, um, strength or agility test in addition. Me? Yes. Oh, I'm choosing agility for sure if I get to choose between the two. Yep.

I only got an eight. An eight. You dodge the initial attack, but you don't see his left hand come up, and he grabs you by the shirt, and you are now grappled. Oh, fuck. Guys, a little help! You cannot move or attack, but you may repeat the save at the end of your turn. Shit. Knuckles, you're up. He's got me in a bear hug. Do we do one and a half for our diagonals, or are we just doing one square? I always like one and a half diagonals. Okay. I have six feet. You should, yeah, you have six square seconds. You should be able to get here. I mean, yeah.

Don't- you're not penalized because you started deepening the roof. You're fine. Oh, oh no, hold on guys. I'm like bear hugs. Give me a second. Knuckles, help me man! Help me! His boots are sliding! They're not bolted to the floor! Just give me- hold on, I'm coming! I'm coming! Alright! Oh, Andy had the right idea! I take, uh, I open up one of my, like, deepest secret cargo pockets. Oh, yeah.

and there's a zipper inside, and I'm gonna unzip the secret pocket and pull out the final beer. As I *chooch* *singing* It's the final beer! I'm coming, Andy! Just give me a second, hold on! And I open up another pocket, and I take out a knuckle duster, and I put it on my- Hold on, just one minute! I'm right there! I go and I reach into another cargo pocket, and I pull out my final knuckle duster, and I put it on- Alright, alright!

I'm coming! This takes three turns. I'm gonna party once I set up here. And I just fucking move in with a punch. He's here to run, he's-- no. Add your strength. Uh, six. Ugh. Six. Yeah, when I roll in-- You roll in, you go in for a kidney punch, and you hit. And all you-- the bouncer barely even acknowledges it. He turns to you. You're next! Ugh! Top of the round, Gary, you're up.

I think I just gotta go right back under the legs. Keep nut punching? Just keep on nut punching. Oh gosh, I gotta remember the hit film, The Empire Strikes Back. I'm a snowspeeder against Imperial Walker. Red leader going. Speed bagging. Come on. That's very funny. Beautiful. Got a...

Oh, is that a nine? There's a nine. Ah, shit. A nine, you fly forward, but you are thinking too much about the Empire Strikes Back, and you're like, oh, but don't I need, like, a tether or something? And by the time the bridge of his legs go past you, you've missed your opportunity. No!

Do you want to move actually through? Can I move through them again? Yeah. I'm just giving that to you. I think it's fun. So if I was here, then 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. You want to get all the- Yeah, get out of danger. I like that. I'm just going back and forth. I like that. Galileo. I'm going to move-

1, 2, 3, 4, 5. And I'd like to place the tray of beers that I stole down. That's why you missed! You still got a tray of beers! And I place it down, and I'd like to pick one up and just crush it. Right at the moment. Mark off a beer. Oh.

Remember, it'll be your sixth beer that you'll have to roll on the table again. Okay. I'm at four. This brings me up to four. I'm at four as well. Um... Oh, sorry, fifth beer. One, two, three, four. Yeah, the fifth beer. Yeah, okay. The fifth beer. Okay, okay. The fifth beer. Uh, and I level my Nerf gun... Which one? ...between the odds. Which one are you shooting?

Oh, I'm gonna target this guy right here. Don't hit me! Don't hit me, Galileo! Hey, put him down, you son of a bitch! I don't have a problem with you guys, just with authority! Yeah, fuck him! And I'll roll a shoot him in the fucking face. God. Five. Five? Not enough? It goes wide. We gotta heat up. We gotta heat up. We gotta heat up, guys. Andy, you're up. I can do nothing, but repeat the save at the end of my turn. That's correct. So I'm gonna attempt to use agility here. Ten.

Ten. That is just enough. Let's go. I managed to... I just missed him. ...wriggle. Well, it's the DC for the grapple. I don't know what their DR to hit is. I basically wriggle and I slide out of his grip and I just land at his feet and I turn around ready to go and that's my whole turn. That's your whole turn. He looks at you, you're going down! But these are bouncers and I'm going to need you to

have Red Shirt jump, leap up the air and effectively do an aerial cartwheel as he flips around and lands behind Galileo. - Oh! - Oh, shit. - No, here, here. - Sorry. - Exactly correct. And the other one does the exact same thing, landing behind Gary, going in for another attack. - It's like the bouncer from PlayStation 2. - Oh, no! - I was gonna say the trapezey guys! - Galileo, I need you to dodge. Go ahead and roll a d20 and add your agility for me, Galileo. - Oh, what?

Yeah, Gary and Gelo, d20 out of Julie. Natural 20. Well done. Oh, that's a crit?

Oh! You can take a counterattack in a moment. So you get to counterattack. I'm jumping over! *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan* *Groan

You reduce seven damage down to six damage. Oh, okay. That was a crazy way to say that. And he picks you back up. Oh, no, no, no, nope, this one. Oh, oh, my apologies. He picks you up and suplexes you into the other square. That's a lot of damage. As you slam into your shoulders, into your neck, the massive weight of this guy crushing you against the hard, monolingual tile floor of this new restaurant. And you, uh, the breath is knocked out of you. You take a ton of damage. Um...

Counterattack time. So he hit a 90/20 on the counterattack. Oh my lord! So you'll double the dice you roll, which should be 4d4. 4d4. And then you'll add the drunk damage. And this guy, uh, yellow- And he's exploded, right? They all explode. Well, it's an 8. Yep. So hold on. So he just got 8. Oh, he's gonna one-shot this guy. So I'm just gonna- I explode these two again. Yeah, so you're still on 4d4. So then that's a 3, that's 11. This is your first 2d4. And now he's got 2d4s left. Now I have 2d4s left on account of the crash. Until they explode. Yep, yep, yep.

Another 5. Another 5. 16? 16, and then plus my beer, 20 points of damage. And if he's still alive, his armor's reduced by one tier. Um...

And this is all directly to the nuts. Yeah. So, just for context. He's just fucking speedbagging him. Yeah. He's just fucking speedbagging his whole sex. And he might have clipped the gooch a little bit, too. Yeah. I think he just gave that guy the sex. Gary Pearl! I am so impressed that I am not going to roll the armor. I'm going to just give it to you. You open this guy up like a fucking wampa. All of a sudden... With his fists? I...

I'm gonna say he's holding the scissors of his small pocket knife. You reach up and you manage to catch his femoral artery and just tear apart this guy. He disappears and turns into a pile of gore. Always beware the guy in the fist line who brings a knife. Always carry a knife!

It's like when you hit a monster in Doom with the rocket launcher. He just turns into Gibbs and Gore and slides against the floor. Jesus! Killing the bouncer instantly. "No!" The other bouncer screams. That is the conclusion of the monster turn. No! Gelliantore! Knuckles, you are up. Oh, I turned that guy into Gelliantore! No one will know that reference, but... Demi! Demigoods!

Oh, we got Reginald. Reginald! We got Reginald Reggie here. Oh, God, that's funny. That's the conclusion of their turn. Knuckles, you're up. Already? No, that was their turn. That was their turn. That was their turn. He was thinking counter attack. So it's Knuckles' turn. Oh, my God. Because he got Nat 20 on the defense. That's right. That's right.

Oh my god! Uh, I'm gonna run up behind him. Oh my god! Um, and... There's a tray of beers right here. There's a tray of- you know what? Gal, you got a- you got a fuckin' good idea here. Let me just... That's five. There are two beers remaining on that tray. So you'll roll on the d20 table. Fourteen. Fourteen. That's what I got. That's a lot of cool fuckin' guys. Uh... That hits? Yeah. No, that's the d20 table. That's for rolling the d20. Yeah.

'Cause he hit five beers. Oh. I see. One moment, let me look it up. I wish that was my two attack form. You can make him reroll if you want, that's the one that I got, the hangover one. Oh! Uhhh, six. Uh, you still have a girlfriend and uh... Oh, you already got that one, yeah. Fifteen. Now, you can only speak like the hero of time.

Okay, let me just write this down somewhere. I don't know how I would do that. I don't know if I need Jimbo. I don't know how I would do that. I don't know if you know this or not, mate. I don't know. Oh, I'm also a little sleepy. I gotta go punch this. I'd be sleepy if I were you too, man. You just nut-punched that guy into oblivion. I really did. Man, you know, Tiffany's never gonna believe this. I'm gonna have to cut it. Yeah! Oh! 17. Yes! Roll for damage.

Uh, it's d4? Yep. 3... plus my strength? Uh, no no no, you just roll your damage, but you add all your drink totals to it. Oh! So still plus 5, so, uh, 8.

Eight. Eight. Uh, and I reduced that by his armor that I rolled, so that's gonna be that amount, and so, um, as soon as you, uh, land this, uh, "YAAA!" you, um, uh, hit him, and he starts blinking. His entire body starts flashing yellow and red. Oh, I'm on! I start strafing left and right!

And so I'm gonna literally strafe around him. Yeah? To the back, next to Galileo. Um, he's hurting. You can tell that he's... You can tell that he is at half damage or lower because, like all good Roth minions, he is now at half... He's blinking yellow and red like in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Mutants Through Time. Gary, you're up. Turtles Through Time. Turtles Through Time, thank you.

I'm about to go sewer surfing. Oh gosh, I'm covered in Gellian Jor. I'm gonna rollerblade around. I'm gonna swipe the last remaining, or one of the remaining beers off of this booth right here that's open. Yeah, there's one beer remaining. Oh, that pulls me a five. And you'll have to roll on the d20 table. Yep, roll a d20. Roll a d20. Oh, a three. I don't know if we got that one already. Is that twice in a row? Roll again. I think I rolled a three twice in a row.

These love to be cocked, man. Yeah. Another three! Roll again? 14. We already got that one. We got 14. We're rolling all the same numbers. There's 20 options. Two. I may have gotten two. You finished this beer and you swallowed the AirTag. And you no longer want to drink beer anymore. I think I either got the Garcia effect or I've become a friend of Bill. Oh, jeez.

I need to go to a meeting. Anyway, little bit of deep cut humor for me. Anyway, I'm gonna murder this guy right now. Friend of Bill. It's an AA joke. I am going to make an attack roll as I slide underneath him and punch his nuts. You do that. That is an eight. That is an eight. That is not enough. Unfortunately, you're too distracted by your sudden revelation to make a good effective attack. Galileo, you're up.

Um, I take another shot with the old- Oh, actually I'm- *BOOF* I'm yonked it into the ground. Yeah, you get pulverized. Uh... *laughter* FUUUUUUCK. Uh, I fire off another shot with the old, uh... Let's see if this one goes wide.

Come on. That looks good from here. Oh, no, this is a natural one. Yikes! Oh my lord! A natural one means information happens. Uh, you... Information happens? Information happens. It's a fumble. It's a fumble. So your weapon either breaks or you lose it. Oh! We haven't fumbled yet, have we? No, I don't think so. Oh, fuck.

GM discretion, basically. You reach for your gun and you realize you're doing this with your hand. You don't have your Nerf gun anymore. You must have slid under one of the boots or something. It's gone. Oh, fuck! I'm drunker than I thought! Oh, shit! I dropped the gun! Would you like to move anymore? Nah, I'm pretty comfortable here. Andy, you're up. Having been dropped by this guy after almost being crushed to death, I'll be like...

God, my ribs! And I'll move forward and say, uh, "Don't worry, I'm coming, Galileo!" And I'm gonna try to do, like, a nasty upswing with the Maul Katana. Eight? Not enough. Not enough. We can't stop rolling eights and nines! Can I say that I rapid quaffed and dragged my go-gurt? I'm sorry. Absolutely. Just on my... Just...

Oh, I rolled a four. You tear off the plastic top, you squeeze the turkey dinner down your throat. I'm still just hungover. Okay, gotta get the tongue, gotta get the work of the tongue in there. Yeah, yeah, there you go, there you go, there you go, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm still just hungover, and I just can't seem to get it together. I wasn't prepared for this, I didn't want to fight. No. And I can't seem to zero in on my target. I'm a little drunk.

Agility? Yep.

21! Yeah, you're fine. Just my attacks are bad. I'm not able to get away with my attacks even better. You're fine. I haven't rolled above a 4, I don't think. This is a bouncer, and he's paid very well for his services. He is not backing down, and he continues to look like he's hungry for the rest of the fight, even though he is outnumbered. Knuckles, you are up. Knuckles. That's you, Richie. Oh, I'm Knuckles. I was thinking it was Gary's turn. Um...

So seeing that he just did that jump, my camera does this violently. And I basically sidestep dash to behind him. You're locking onto him, obviously. Yeah, of course. You can backflip, too. You can just do the backflips. And I attack him with my knuckle dusters. Just my fist. Yeah, true. Please hit him. 19. Nice. Oh, nice. Oh, no, no. D4. D4.

You know what, that would have exploded last time, I forgot. Uh, remember that, I don't know, whatever, a Demolition Expert. Oh, that's right, you have Demo Expert. Yeah, so it explodes on 3s and 4s. That's right. Um, 2 plus 5 is 8. 8. Damage. Uh, okay, um, he starts blinking more and more rapidly. He's still, uh, holding on, but you can tell that he is, uh, close to the edge of death. You do not defeat him, however. Uh, that gets us to the top of the ground. Uh, Gary, you're up. Get him, Gary! I may not feel like drinking beer, Mr. Bouncer.

I consulted the mysterious orb today and I have seen the void. You do not fear me. Cool roller blade attack. Another nine. I keep rolling tens. Damn.

Galileo, you are weaponless. You're on the ground. There's a ton of turkey dinner Go-Gurt all over your face. And your gun is nowhere to be found. What do you do? I may be missing one gun. Well, you're missing one friend. That was pretty bad. That was pretty bad ass. Take some Dark Temptation XL. And I take out my Axe Body Spray.

And I just hit him with the Dark Temptation XL body spray right in his face. Dark Temptation, that's powerful. And whatever you would like to decide that that does, it says that it does nothing. You need to make an attack roll. I'm going to have you roll your...

Agility, maybe? I think agility. Even though that's not an attack roll weapon, I'm making an improvisational choice here because it feels like your dexterousness is how you're gonna get that in. Natural 20. Natural 20. Natural 20. So whatever the dice is, he'll roll twice. Twice main dice. As an improvised weapon, I'm gonna say it's d4, so 2d4. And you explode on force. Okay. Five with an explosion. Nice. Nine explosion. Oh, this guy's toast.

Ten. Ten plus four, fourteen. Nice. Dark Temptation XL Axe Body Spray damage right to his eyes. If this does- if this does- 'cause that's the scent, Andrew. If this does something dangerous, I would like to melt his eyes out of his head with Axe Body Spray. Uh, you rolled fourteen damage. I rolled maximum armor reduction for him. Oh shit. Which brings it down to a ten and he had four hit points. How do you wanna do this?

I wanna melt his eye. It's like, you know, he's like a Goliath. He's up here and I'm down here and I just, he looks down and I hit him with the Axe body spray. And this wharf of dark cloud just arises up into his eyes and his eyes just, and they're burning and then they just melt out of his head. You are at the perfect angle. It is because you were on your back that you were able to get underneath his sunglasses and you spray and like laser beam this

starts to hit him and all of a sudden his face melts like the Nazi from Indiana Jones.

*Gasps* His face melts and all of a sudden this bouncer falls backward and blinks out of existence, disappearing like a video game character and that's... scroll, uh, scroller, uh, beat him up. *Coughs* What was that? Oh, gosh! That was Dark Temptation XLX Body Spray. I was burning my eyes! Oh yeah, don't blink! Just close up.

Just close 'em. I put my Molotov away. Guys, I'm sorry, I- What advertising made you buy that? You know, it was the- I mean, it was a crazy company. You know that's not a replacement for a shower. What do you mean? That's what they say on the gun. Andy, are you okay? Are you just a little down? Something's off, guys. You're not really performing. No, I might be washed up. Do you have performance anxiety? I might be just too old for this, guys. You think?

In this moment, as soon as he disappears, you feel your status effects fade. Your idiosyncrasies remain, but your status effects, the things that you got from drinking, all are removed. So all of a sudden, you still are sleepy, for example, Gary, but the surge of desiring a beer... Oh, I feel like beer again, everybody! Let's go! Beer time!

And in this moment of silence and heaving breath and the adrenaline starting to fade from your body, you hear a voice from behind you. It's Crystal. Yeah, so the salmon is... Oh no, what did you guys do? Oh, Crystal, Crystal, Crystal! I meant to ask, on your salad menu, you have the key fondue salad menu.

Is that locally sourced? Did you just kill the bouncers? Oh yeah, but I'm really- I'm feeling hungry. I really want my salad. That's so violent. You shouldn't have done that. Without security and the local cheese, they go into lockdown. What?! And all of a sudden, the lights turn red, bathing the entire restaurant space in this nightmare blood color. The windows-

Well that's new. We're locked in here. And that's where we'll end tonight's show. If we do anything else we gotta roll for- if they drop tokens and tickets. Do we get any tokens and tickets? Oh yeah! They drop stuff? They're bouncers. You do not get any tokens or tickets. Oh bullshit! It's like killing city guards. Thanks for running the session, Derek. Thanks for playing. Yeah, I think the guards are gonna be going like Orgrimmar and kill the guards. Oh true, you don't get shit. You don't even get honor. Oh man, we're in trouble.

God, that's fun. I love this. They changed the security of the local cheese. Thank you so much for listening to the Legends of Avantras podcast. We hope you enjoyed the session. If you want even more campaigns to listen to, become a member of our Patreon at the Pearl Dolphin tier or higher to unlock Shroud over Saltmarsh, a patron-exclusive campaign set on the high seas. You can find that at patreon.com slash legendsofavantras.

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