Icebound | Side Story 4 | Saved by the Hell
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Welcome to Legends of Avantris. I'm Derek Hudson and you're listening to Icebound. It has been a month since your brother Sausage died. Very sad. Sausage. So rather than head south, most of you chose to head north instead. And there you encountered...

A castle, a ruined fortress of some kind, some kind of structure destroyed there in the snow. - Yeah, what was that? - What was that? But it was filled with chaotic creatures. Chaotic creatures who would giggle and throw snowballs at you. And things only got stranger from there. You were taken by strange moods, let's say, by curses. You were compelled to construct a massive archway.

and pass through it. Unfortunately, just at the last second as you were passing through that archway, what looks to be a portal into a beautiful, picturesque, palatial, green, verdant space shifted, and you found yourselves in a space of nightmares.

Brimstone in all direction. Volcanoes of lava. Sky belching smoke. Lightning flashing red all around you. The smell of burning and the sound of screams all in the air. The only sight around you, aside from what I just described, being what appeared to be a...

structure, a store, something that you'd never seen before. Your minds could barely comprehend it. You made your way towards what the sign indicated to be a local cheese. On the way, Mortadella died. Oh, no! It was great meeting you. It was great seeing you guys. I'm gonna go. No!

You passed through the doors, through the entranceway, and the rest of the experience that you had is only a blur.

A blur of neon and flavors and smells and sights and sounds. Your human Drakarian minds going from the need to survive in the harsh snows, the realm of Drakkar, to this. Full of games and joy and laughter and drunkenness. You blacked out. And...

You wake up now. Corkus! You begin to stir. And...

Whatever the fuck your name is. My name's Calamari! Sorry, sorry, Calamari. It's Calamari! Calamari, you both begin to awaken. You have a ringing headache. And you seem to be on some sort of a marble or tiled floor. You hear the sound of trickling water all around you. And it takes a while for you to come back to your senses. You realize that you are there, uh...

right next to what appears to be a fountain and Gabagool, who is still out cold. And you look down. My brother! I need you each to roll. And Mikey, join us. I need each to, all of you, to roll a 1d10. Oh! Oh, d10! We roll if we get deuce. Oh, I have dice. Oh, three! I got a one. Don't smile like that. Um... Eight! Eight.

Looking over at your brother, Gavagool, you see that he's wearing a bowling shirt with flames, cargo shirts, and rollerblades. Looking down, you try to assess what you might be wearing. And you find yourself, Gavagool, wearing a windbreaker tracksuit with... No, porcos. Sorry, porcos. A windbreaker tracksuit with pumps.

That's what you're wearing right now. Oh, I have the Windbreaker Tracker. Yes, he's wearing the... Got it, okay. That is exactly right. Oh! Dynamic! I'm gonna let you re-roll if you don't want to see what you see. You're wearing what you were wearing in your car. Ha ha ha!

Aw, man! You do not have alien madness clothing like we do! No! Uncle Porkos! But still, looking around, you see that you have your inventory. The few things on you as you went from one plane of dimension to the other. Your weapons and your items, your few things, your few possessions are still on you. But checking, you also notice that there are some things in your pockets. Roll a 1d8 for me. Is Uncle Gobblegoo dead?

Is he breathing clearly? Is he, like, alive? Uh, make a medicine check. I got a seven. I got a five. I got a six. I'm sorry, 1d6. My apologies. Oh. Two. Four. Um, four. You find, uh, glow-in-the-dark vampire teeth in

Sweet. What the heck are these? Porcos. Five. Five. You find a small, strange device. It has a small digital display on the front, and what appears to be a small creature that is starving, screeching, nearly dead, surrounded by poop. And if you were to check Gabagool's pockets, you'd find a sticky plastic hand, the kind that you slap against walls, covered in lint.

I need to use... Derek's mic is quiet, people are saying. He's so loud. How is that possible? He's so loud. I can turn them up more. Here we go. I'm just talking normally. I don't know. I don't get it. I think it's the timbre of your voice. It's not you, buddy. It's not you. It's maybe also whenever I turn because I'm being animated right now. Maybe, yeah. You've got to get it right in the face. We need to expand the gain sound. The problem is I make that so loud that we start to pick up on the back side of it so we all sound worse. Ooh.

You know what? I'm going to split the difference. How about there? And you're just going to get rid of Derek. That's fine. If Derek isn't here, then you can't be quiet. Oh. Oh, my God. Great idea. My brother! I rolled a five on my medicine, Jake! I go over and hold on. Derek, I'll let you out for a second. I got a five. You got a five on your medicine, Jake? I got a five on my medicine, Jack.

He seems warm. He seems, you know, you don't know much about medicine. So, you know, he seems to have all of his parts on him. He's not bleeding. There's no blood. The last thing I remember is he was playing Diamond Crisis 2. Actually, I need you to roll a D8 to find out what the last thing you remember is. What just happened?

Almost. Yep. Three. Four. Not you, Mikey. I'm slumped over in the Typhoon's Doom machine. I got a four. I'm on the pink gun. You're thinking back in your memories, and you got a four, you said? Four. A four. The last thing you remember is feeding tiny gold discs into a glass contraption that held small treasure and a metal claw inside snapping shut, but you weren't able to... It all becomes blurry.

Why would I willingly give up gold pieces? It disappears in that moment. Am I insane? And, uh, Porcos, you remember slamming your fists against a glowing box where tiny painted warriors fought, but the images flickered and froze before the whole-- everything went dark. Ah! I'm cheating! This is the-- this is what happens as you-- as you start to come to your senses. The haze in your mind begins to fade, and you realize that you're in a much larger, expansive space. There's--

the sound of music all around you. - Wow! - And as you look around from your immediate vicinity, you realize that you're in like a long hallway, a beautiful structure. There's brilliant lights coming down from skylights above you. There are hallways and there are what appear to be store openings in every direction in addition to the fountain that you find yourself near.

You know, Porco, at first I was terrified, but this is really beautiful. I do not understand any of this. What does it mean? I don't think it matters. We are simple peasants. I might find me this car of dear friend. This is paradise. Nothing bad can happen here. And my final remaining brother, he's dead on the floor.

Well, at least we have each other. It looks like you guys got wasted. A young woman walks up. She's wearing extremely baggy pants made of a material you're not familiar with. Her sleeves come all the way down, wrapping around both of her thumbs, and she's smoking what appears to be a small tobacco product, some kind of cigarette. You guys okay? You look like you got wasted. Wait, wasted? What is she talking about? What is this wasted?

Are we able to speak to her? I am not wasteful! You start making gestures and she watches your hands but responds immediately as though you were speaking common. Oh, she can understand us! Oh! Oh, yes, she speaks the ogre tongue. Thank the gods! Oh, yeah, we don't know where we are, but this place is beautiful! Do not insinuate that I am wasteful. Whenever I slaughter a very beardly, intelligent sheep,

I use every piece and I thank the great silver god in the sky, Sophiland. For every morsel of food. Whatevs. My name's Calamari, what's your name? Meh. Meh? Yeah, it's Meh. It's short for something, but, you know, whatever. Uh, mm, meh. Uh, Menestroni?

Oh, are you one of those people that pronounce milk, melt? You guys came here from the local... I'll kill you! She might take a step back. It looks like you guys came here from the local cheese. I didn't see any cheese. The sign. The local cheese. The building we walked into before we got wasted. Oh, is that the name of the local inn? The local cheese? I guess. Why do you seem... She seems very unsure about everything.

Do you know First Aid? Please. Help my brother, please! You could probably take him to the food court and get him a pick-me-up there. The food court? What? Okay, okay. The food court. What is this? There's food there? We can give him sustenance? We must court the food first. Before we eat it? It's like a court. It's just down the hall.

Let's grab him! Come on, we can get him! Come on, just be gentle with him! He's clutching his chest! He's moving! That's a good thing! Come on! We try to pick up Uncle Gobblegoo. You're able to lift him reasonably, Porkos especially. I want to be known.

is that my left hand is rigor mortis clutching the pink gun on the right side of the time-crisis 2 machine. Oh no! Which is tethered to the machine. Torgos is hooked up! We gotta get his hand off this thing! Come on!

I try to claw his hand off the grip. Whatever magic transported you here, you do have the actual plastic gun. It's no longer tethered. It's been snapped off. Never mind. That's still gripped right in your hand. I don't try to take it from him. Rigor mortis style. We just carry him to where the fruit is. You're able to carry him down, and just as you round the bend, you see this massive, open, wide arena of sorts clustered with tons and tons of little circular tables with tables

Very narrow chairs all spatted around. You're realizing that there are more people than just meh in this strange space. You, uh, walk, uh, uh,

past a variety of different peoples. Peoples wearing strange garments, garments that you've never seen before, of all sorts of colors, colors that were, even in Ogerton, would be outrageously bright in comparison to the dyes and the fabrics that you're used to. And you also notice, actually, I need you both to make a perception check for me as you walk into this space. 17, not bad.

Natural fucking 20. Wow! I'm trying to use my mouse to... 20, probably 1 or 22. 23! Nice. Uh...

You're noticing the same thing that Porcos is noticing. In general, you're seeing that there are all sorts of people. Some of them are carrying many bags. There are what appear to be kids and adults. They're all sort of walking around, but they're all walking around in sort of this malaise. They...

Some of them appear very much like yourself, but others are warped and twisted, almost blobular, gummy. And while some are conversing and having what appear to be relatively pleasant conversations, others are twisted and malformed. They're almost gooing around in this strange manner. None of them seem to be bothered by each other's presence, nor do they seem alerted to yours.

Poor ghost. I don't know what those creatures are, but this place might not be as much of a paradise as I thought. What are they? Don't touch them! You do not fit in your clothes! Do you want to split my tracksuit? How are we going to split that shirt?

The top comes off! The jacket will never fit! The sleeves are dragging on the ground as I'm trying to help carry Uncle Wogabagool to the food court. Horkos, you also notice, in addition to all of these customers that are walking through the space, that there are a variety of different shops, a huge number of stalls. And it's at this moment that I need one of you to roll a d8 for me.

One of you. What does a D8 look like? Five. You look at the signs. Each one of these stalls, almost like you might find carts at a festival, are embedded into the wall of this circular space. You see one sign that says MQ, another that says dog on a stick. You see an orange Caesar, whatever that is. A sinner bun. You see a taco hell express.

You see Pretz Hells, you see Miss Fields, an Unfriendly, and a Sparrow. We must avoid that, please! Porcoose! Why are they putting dogs on a stick?

Why would they do that? Forcos is distracted. His eyes are alight. He's looking at the same signs that you are, but it's there in the Cinnabon stall that you see your brother Sausage standing next to another human just like yourself, a female, both of them wearing what appear to be strange linen outfits and a hat that looks like a Cinnabon at the top. No! Is that...

Is that Uncle Sausage? Why would you take a piece of pizza and then have another piece of pizza upside down on the- No! What the fuck?! Um! Can it be? I don't know. Can it be? Gamma Goo, wake up! Ardir!

I'm gonna run to him. And I'm like, I'll be a little cautious, given where we are. I'll bear the weight of Uncle Gobble Ghoul as I try to then follow Porkos over to where we believe Uncle Sausage to be. You have just served your last cinnamon bun. That's very funny. That's very funny. No, you're healthy. You're healthy. You're fine. You're fine. You come to. You come to. You come to. Aw.

You and, uh, the last thing you remember, uh, Sausage was being killed horribly by a Remorhaz. Uh, actually, not the last thing you remember, but the last thing you remember of your living life. Uh, you woke up in this strange space, the space, the dead mall, uh, you came to know it by. Uh, the, um...

the 90s hell, and you've been trapped here. You've been told that there's only a few ways to get out of such a space, and you're endeavoring to do one of them, which is work, work, work for potentially decades or centuries or even thousands of years. It was very fortunate, however, that you were able to get a job thanks to your friend, Pegaroni.

Pegaroni, the last thing you remember was walking down the streets of Ogerton and looking up and seeing a massive ship suddenly come out. Suddenly emerge in the sky, just pop into existence before landing. There's a huge rush of light and wind before all of a sudden you found yourself here. We took a picture!

And you are both getting accustomed to your new life. You've both been here for maybe a little more than four weeks serving Cinnabons, Cinnerbuns, to the...

lame clientele who come up and pass you strange, uh, uh, not strange, but pass you a currency. Um, you're paid a, a living wage. And, uh, even with all of the money that you've made at an hourly basis on day in, day out, day in, day out, uh,

you're still very much in debt. It seems that in order to pay for your living expenses, you haven't been able to really turn that into any form of savings or anything along those lines. You have only the few things that are in your pockets. I need you both to roll. Derek sent Helen to put me right back in my day job.

No, I'm not gonna evacuate. We're gonna get a witchy mess. Roll a 1d8 and add your intelligence score. That's very funny. Oh, that's a 12. That's your total? You have five silver pieces on your person. Wow!

Mr. Moneybag. It was my pleasure to serve you. Have a sinful day. Four. That's really good. You have four sword pieces jangling around in your pockets at this time. And it's in this moment that you are waiting for the last person to walk away with their Cinnabon that you see another customer run up. But these people you recognize. You're familiar with...

Pegaroni, you're familiar with Gabagool and Sausage, with Sausage's brothers, Calamari and Porcos. You recognize them too. Sausage, your brothers are standing in front of you holding the unconscious body of Gabagool. The wildest brothers! Don't worry, I got this one.

Welcome to CineHell, home of the CineHell man. No, but you're right. No, these are my oldest brothers. And one of them is maybe dead. I don't know. We've got to go check on him. Get this, we true. What are we supposed to do? I don't believe what I see. I can't believe it's you. And I can't believe it's you. I've never seen you so excited. It's just been so long, Uncle Sausage. I can't believe it. Of course, nephews.

It's Calamari. Calamari and Nephew. We established in the last episode, after you were already dead, that we're not really blood related, but like, you know, it's like a fatherly, brotherly, uncle-nephew bond. We did several uncles. That's right. It's a full house situation. Did you want one of the cinnamon covered pretzels? I've got this, this, um...

- Yeah, it's a phallic shaped box that's filled with a bunch of tiny little pretzels covered in cinnamon. You want one of those? - Pecoroni is right to offer this food. She knows, as does Sausage, that the food court is rejuvenating here. Should anyone consume any of the food products here, when they're shopping in the mall, should any misfortune come to them, that they would be resurrected.

returned to their full hit point. But cinnamon is so expensive! How do you have so much here? It smells so good! And it is only for the ogres to use. What are you talking about? It's for anyone who's dead. Anyone who's dead? Dead? Dead? We are not dead! No, but Uncle Top of Ghoul might be! Give him some pretzels! Alright, we're gonna pay for it. There's no time!

What are you doing? What are you doing? You pay up. You pay up. No, the last time you ate all of the phallic-shaped cinnamon pretzels, I had to pay for it. I shoved phallic wieners into Gabagool's mouth. You start shoving phallic wieners into Gabagool's mouth. That's right. Gabagool, the last thing you remember is playing Time Crisis 2. It was so exciting. You were already hammered.

Enjoying a lovely time at the local cheese. And suddenly you are thrown back into life. It was so intense, this experience of playing Time Crisis 2, that your heart gave out. And you remember falling back. And now you're here in the middle of a food court in the dead mall. I'm lying in this fucking bed where it's just fucking to be loud.

If your brother takes a shit on the floor, you're cleaning it up this time. Because I had to do it last time. It's just not fair. What do you mean last time? No, the last time one of our customers shit on the floor, I had to clean up. It's not the first time I've had to clean up after my oldest.

I'm here for you! And I get really close to him. I get really close to him like he's gonna whisper something on me. I'm here a good kid. You're a good kid. Thank you, thank you. You're a good kid. Get up! Get up! You're a good kid. We were worried you were dead! I can't remember what I was doing.

"Eldest Brother Kabagool!" "Look who it is!" "I didn't think I'd ever see you again! Oh, you poor girl!" "There's no way." "It is!" "Elder, I died heroically on the island." "Could that possibly be my little kid baby brother, Sawjus Potep, by a cartoon bear who loves picking niggas?" "I was gone first alone, but I worried I'd end up with a little boo-boo!"

Oh

You missed so much! We were out on the ice too, and things didn't look very good. In fact, we saw you. We saw the shambling vision of you. It was awful. Do you recall your last moments when you were murdered by the traitor, Alcatraz?

No... I thought I was- I remember fighting the giant thing on the ice and then uh, heroically, I think I did something. I looked in front of somebody. Don't worry because we vowed revenge. We're gonna find Alcatra and we're gonna do worse to her than what she did to you. Yes. We're gonna steam her like that bug would steam you. I heard she murdered you in cold blood. She did! She did. If I had been there, I never would have let it happen.

Well, guys, I appreciate that quite a bit, but before we seek out on the mission to revenge... No, no, revenge is the most important thing when it comes to family. Blood is thicker than water, you know that? And gravy is even thicker than that. Well, Grandma's gravy mission.

To the pecoroni, what are you doing here? Uh, yeah, I'm just trying to sell some of these really shitty overpriced pretzel cinnamon things so that I can pay off, I don't know, something. Hey, remember that whole conspiracy theory that we thought there was this gravy, that it was alien venders?

the ice. Yeah! And then a giant spaceship was gonna crash into the city. A giant spaceship crashed into the city? Crashed into the city. Turns out the whole thing was real. When did that happen? Gosh, I don't know, like a month ago or something. It was not that long ago. That was right around the time I died. Yeah, yeah. Oh, really? Oh, that is a weird coincidence. Yeah, it was outside. I was doing, you know, just...

Totally legal things outside. When there was a bright flash behind me, I put my clothes back on and then I died. Perhaps an accident. I think I put my clothes back on. You know only two things in this moment. You know that the reason to acquire a wage and to work to try and get enough money is because it's one of the few ways out of here. People are told that if you can...

buy your way to freedom that you're able to leave this trap of a mall. That there is no other escape. But you also know the other thing which is the secret. The secret why you would be sent immediately to hell. That will only be yours to keep.

Yeah, so I'm trying to get my way out of hell. Wait, if that means that you died and you died, then what about us? Are we dead? No, we never died. We walked through a portal. I don't know. I don't know. I think

the little one might be onto something. I think that if you were dead, you would be walking behind one of the skulls like we were because it's not like we really had a choice. We could just put you. We built this stone archway and then like a portal opened and we walked through. We found ourselves here. How did we do it? No lie.

I don't know, we were just compelled to. We had no choice, Billy. It was good for us. It was good for me, probably. Wow, look at this place. It's very nice. It is nice, except for those horrible monsters. I point to one of the horrifically twisted, jelly-shaped, shambling cruncher. Yeah, you point over, and what normally would be wearing a flannel shirt and a pair of jeans is completely blobbed over and just...

lurching towards one of these bins that says thanks right on the front. Actually, it says T. Hanks for whatever reason. It's very strange. You're looking back at Gabagool, though, and you're looking back at Sausage and Pegaroni, and you both are flushed. You haven't died yet. You passed through a portal. I need you to take one point of corruption for having already died once.

Me? Exactly right. Oh, no. I'm going to look at this thing. Oh, no. Oh, no. My wife found me here. Help! Help!

Oh no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh

This is where the dead go. I've all of them. Well, I mean, I don't know. Some of them at least. Speaking of things we hate, like, Gobblegool's ex-wife. It's Gobblegool, right? What's your name?

Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. Narm. N

I'll pour an icy and throw an icy in his face. You do. It's lukewarm, and the water is clearly a little misty. It wakes you up. You no longer feel the pain in your arm. You come back to your senses, but you do realize that your sight is a little blurred. Your eyes are a little glazed over, and you feel clammy. You feel pale. You feel a little stickier than you would normally. I'm going to succeed prescriptions.

I'm getting too old for this shit. Hold on. Oh, that's not kimchi. Oh, it's just a terrible demon's mouth. Thank goodness. Oh, that's just Kathy. Oh, Kathy, huh?

She walks over to the sparrow. Why? I push back with the three strands of hair. Over your liver spots. Wait, yeah. Wait, she went to one place I cannot go. The one place I dare not tread. Ooh, an orange season.

We must get out of here. Now that we have found you, we can go home. Our shift's not over. Yeah, but what's stopping you from just coming with us? Terrible hell magic. We go back the same way we came. We'll take you with us. I don't think that means we've got to pay to get out of here. I've got our mom in terrible hell, Dad. Have you tried to escape? Well, no. They just said we've got to pay to get out of here. We can put our money together and see if we have enough for at least one white ticket. What do we do?

- Yeah, well, we could try. How much do you have? - Well, how much do you have? - Well, I mean, five silver. - I got four silver. - Oh, well, we got nine silver then. - Do you know how much it costs to get out of here? - I think like 10 million gold.

10 million goals? I've been working here for 10,000 years. You've only been here for a month. No, time works differently here, I think. I got closer a couple of times, but the prices at the bar, bro, I tell you.

Uh, I just got kept spending it. You eat this Sbarro, too? The terrible truth. My own brother. No, the terrible truth is that the Sbarro is actually the best food in the whole thing. Oh, no! Oh, this is hell! No, it's worse than you know it. What happened to my Uncle Sausage? The Uncle Sausage that I would know would have fart tooth and nail to get out of this place.

That's me, that's my name! I'm doing everything I can! I'm doing everything I can to get it! Well then you have to fight!

Fight with us! Alright, punch me in the face then. We can get you out of here! We can! I believe it! Alright! I'm cool with it! Like, if all he's gotta do is fight to get out of here, punch me in the face. I couldn't do that. I couldn't punch you in the face. We will find a way! Gentlemen, if I couldn't possibly, my eldest brother, he's got a goal he'd never allow us. Right?

Oh, they gave me an orange slice here with my orange julienne. See, I'm an orange. I'm an orange. I'm an orange. I'm an orange. I'm an orange. Oh, no.

What is he doing? He's choking! He's choking! Get him out! Get him out of his mouth! He's choking! Drop it! Drop it! Drop it! He's choking! Give me the horns! The weavers! The weavers!

Well I gotta say, it was great to have you guys back! It was like old times! It was just like old times! You know if you fill his throat with these phallically shaped sausages, it'll be wide enough that he won't be able to choke anymore. Indeed, right? Well I'm not supposed to try anything! Take this sausage!

You have to massage your tongue! No, you gotta... On your throat! You gotta rub your throat really hard! Really like all of this? Yeah! I'm uncomfortable. I'm extremely uncomfortable. Careful, Big Spuffy! Are you... Are you well? Well, that Orange Julius' orange feet has got a bit of a kick to it.

Got a bit of a kick to it. You were shocked when you got to the Orange Caesar to realize that you had exactly the amount of copper pieces that you needed in your hand in order to purchase a shake. So you, yeah, presumably still from the little, from the little, the local cheese. You paid the two copper. They gave you your orange slices and an icy shake of sorts. It seems like it should be healthy, but it's actually full of sugar. Okay.

Um, Uncle Gobblegool, I don't wanna, you know, overstep my boundaries here with you being my elder and all, but don't you need to worry about your diabetes? Hey!

I'm in the peak of my life, kid. The ogre doctor said that you had to watch your sugar intake. Are you saying that I couldn't kick your ass right now? No! No! Uncle Gobblegoo, I'm not saying I'm worried about his health. Are you saying that because you're a dumb little stunt kid...

No! Did you think that I'm not in the prime physical condition of my life? Gabogu, please! You already have wounds on your feet that will not heal. Your vision is going. His skin's changing, too. Is your gout flaming up something for you? I can get used to changing. Oh, they look like pomegranates. Let me get you a cherry slushie. Sugar. I'm going to make a cherry ice cream.

I'm watching my way. My doctor said this fruit's good for me. Oh, no. But I cut out red meat, don't worry. Uncle Pork goes in this way, his foot's just gonna fall off. Well, perhaps in hell there are no consequences for our actions. I mean, we're already dead. Like, what's the worst that could happen? Not so far. The Sotholith said that only...

Heretics went to hell. So what did we do wrong? Well, I guess we just walked in here. What did you guys do wrong? Yes, what did you do wrong? Well,

I died heroically on the ice fighting a giant creature for my brothers. Wait a minute. They told me that you were murdered in cold blood. No, no, he was. He was murdered. I was murdered by a monster. By the flame head of the sass. By the flame head giant bug creature. We're getting our stories mixed up. What actually happened? Antisophilus Alcantara. Yeah. Daisy, not a good kid, not a good kid. No.

By trying to save the Antichrist, you changed the space-time continuum and the fate of our planet. This is like the plot of Terminator. I remember that one. I think that there's gonna be a war of the machines. I think literally, actually, in the campaign, there's gonna be a war of the machines. Actually, that wasn't even intentional. I think the machines are coming, and I think that we had to make sure that Daisy died.

In that timeline. And we failed.

She lives. We failed. And she killed you. Was she the one with the bow and arrow? Yes. Bow and arrow? Yeah, with the bow and arrow. The huntress. Wasn't she, didn't she, she didn't help us out of the, my mind's all fuzzy for like only 10,000 years now. She had forsaken her God's given birth name of Alcadia. Yeah, we woke up and we were somehow alive and she was missing. Yes. I don't know how that happened and you were torn apart.

You were like, oh my gosh. It was like, it wasn't a body, it was remains. Oh. It was like, it was like, it was like a Yuletide pencil. Like Stranz's, but yeah, it was like thousands of arrow holes. It's like known as Ragu. Something's gotta remain to be remains.

That's exactly right. I've heard the story so many times since it happened, I was so curious because I wasn't there. And in Uncle Porko's own words, he said, "You died like a bitch."

It was. Forkos! Like my favorite dog from home. Forkos! What do you mean? I died heroically, I think. I died heroically, I think. Well, now I don't know. If you want to call it heroically, you died trying to protect your killer. It is actually the most embarrassing way to go out I can imagine. Did I not die trying to save Gabagool? No.

No, I don't think so. It was a long time ago. Hey, do you know that I need what's saving? Do you think I couldn't kick this guy's ass? No, no. I could beat the living shit out of you. You may be my baby kid brother. You may be fresh out of the grave. You may be fresh out of the womb. It would be a masterpiece. No. You peak.

All I know is that I'm tired of this. I feel like we should go to this oddly intelligent polar bear track. Better on a few races. I don't think they have those here. What? I mean, that was an Oakerton thing. What? We're clearly somewhere else now. This place is a shithole. I hate this place. Where are we going to go? Where else is... Well, you guys have been here besides the food court. Why else is this deer here?

There's a claw machine over there. No, I wasted a whole bunch of gold pieces on that thing and I don't even know why. I don't want to go back to that. There's that... I hate that place. Is it Joss A. Bank or is it J-O-S-A Bank? Why would you name something like that? It's a bank? They sell clothes in there. At a bank? That's exactly what I'm saying. Piece of shit. It is an archaic abbreviation for the name Joseph.

No it's not. Oh! What do you know? What is it? I don't fucking know. I'm missing the angry. Every time I look at it, I'm like, is it Joss? Is it Joss? Is it J-O-S? Who the hell's buying a suit in a bank? Oh, Jossa Bank. You know what? Now you've added another one to my list. What's a Jossa?

The two of you have spent most of your time, this strange warped time, in this small stall selling and making these Cinder Buns.

However, you have ventured out, which is partly the reason why you haven't been able to accumulate any money aside from buying your own food in order to live from day to day. You occasionally go out and you are amazed by the number of consumer goods, products, services there are all available through not just this first floor, but the second floor of this massive structure.

You've never been outside of it. But there is indeed a map, a directory of sorts that you can go to and...

find whatever it is that you might imagine. Clothes, accessories, fashion, strange magical goods, all kinds of wares. The people who come in here stay in here until their form shifts and changes into these gooey creatures until they're finally released into wherever it is beyond the walls that you find yourselves in. Yeah, so we could go look at the directories.

But I do just want you to know this place is quite addictive. And, you know, them. And I point to one of the shambling. The ball walkers? Ball walkers? Yes. Is this what they are called? Well, yeah. They started one day, they just showed up, and they just started walking, and they've never stopped. And they were people like us ones? One day. Should we put them out of their misery? No, I don't think we should touch them. No, I don't think you should go anywhere near them. No.

But we are getting ready to close up the CineHell. We just had, before you showed up, we had our last customer. So we just have to do four or five hours of deep cleaning this place. And then we are ready to go walk through the mall with you so we can go to the directory. We can take them to the Hot Topic. Oh, yeah, the hottest topic, in fact. Hey, didn't you work at the Abercrombie there once? Yeah, they started me as a mail model.

Yeah, so exactly right. Wow! We will wait for the form. It's like James Dean, like I always said. Like a modern day James Dean. That's amazing. He's a modern day Jimmy Dean sausage. Modern day Jimmy Dean sausage, like I always said. Like I always told my mom. May she rest in peace when we witness...

Hey, you remember that time we witnessed our parents being ritually eaten by omelets? You hear a voice from behind you. Why does this keep happening? We just got a sale on Shopify! You hear a voice and you turn to see a

blonde woman with heavily permed hair. She's got long pink fingernails, a halter top, a pink fur jacket, big hoop earrings. Are you guys just closing? Can I get a Cinnabon? Sorry, we're closed. Wait, how much you got on you? I got cash. You want just one Cinnabon or you want everything that's left in the counter?

Just one. Just one little Cinnabon. I think we might be close, but if you wanted everything that was in the counter, we could be open. I'll give you a big tip. Give a Cinnabon. Okay. She passes over a full silver piece, twice as much as you normally would get for a Cinnabon, and you pass over one of the old, stale, end-of-the-day Cinnabons, which she takes on. There's a slight nibble out of the corner because I ate part of it. You turn it away from her, make a sleight-of-hand check.

Fifteen. Fifteen is enough. She doesn't notice the bite that you've taken out of the Cinderbun, but she holds up an orange tray, you set the plate down, and she walks over to the, uh, uh, to a machine that you know can produce a variety of drinks, um, with an empty cup, and she disappears. Well, if we have to work our way out of this hellish eternity, that means we need to save our money,

While earning our money. No, not us! We did not die! Yeah! That's right, we didn't die! No, they do! No, you died a couple of times. No! It's just his health infections. What's gotten into all of you? Especially you, Uncle Gobblegool! You talk about kicking everybody's ass! We can get out of this place! That's right. We can get out of this place. I think that we need to undergo an exciting montage.

To discover all of the secrets of this place, to learn of the various stores, to learn what is available to us and also develop our own roles on a team while we plan a great jailbreak. Well, they have four to five hours of cleanup, so perhaps we go on a four to five hour montage. I think I saw a Warner Brothers studio store down the way. I fucking love Bug Bunk. Let's go!

Over the course of this montage, are there any visible signs of corruption on Uncle Gobblegool? Only that he doesn't have the same color that you're used to. He looks paler. He looks like... A little sicklier. Yeah, he's getting all Uncle-fester-y. Okay, all right. We're going on a montage. Fortunately, the Warner Bros. store is just around the corner.

the corner and so you're able to go in without really running into anything else that you might otherwise while you spend the four to five hours. However, you realize very quickly that the three of you can only observe the products they're in. You look at all of the shiny objects. You admire the massive Bugs Bunny statue. You see the shirts and the pants. You see all the different souvenirs row after row after row, shelf after shelf of them.

No! But you must, and four hours have passed, walk out dejectedly, for you cannot purchase a single item. We don't have any money? You don't have any money on you. Oh, man. Mommy! No! You see, I swear before you, before Sophilus, before the gods and all the hells, I am going to...

to get that Taz shirt that's a little bit too big, that's just plain white with Taz and it says "I'm a devil" on it. I swear, I will have that shirt. Making your way back, you do notice that you guys in your excitement to rush towards the Warner Brothers store, that there's a panel.

jutting out directly from the center of this hallway. It is, reminds you of the portal that you saw on R'kar, in that there's a window almost into another world. Underneath there you see two wide press-in buttons. One of them says "Ads" and the other says "Directory." And in the window you can see a person

Thank you for shopping, I appreciate it. Make sure that you check out all the stores in the beautiful Dead Mall. And you continue to start making your way towards the food court unless you choose to stop and observe the advertisement longer. Has it been four to five hours? It has been. We should go collect our brother. Yeah. We'll be stronger in numbers. I'm worried about what we're going to find here.

Oh, yeah. Oh, she was a saint. May she rest in peace.

Heading to the food court? Enjoy a tall glass of milk at MQ or a delicious chili dog. Ew. Is he talking to us? Go away. Yeah. You can also enjoy some of the fine cookies at Miss Fields. What did I just say?

We already saw the store. It's my job to promote all the delicious goods at the food court. And have you checked out the second floor? There are all kinds of amazing amenities. Are you dead? Good food. One of the signs says dog on a stick. You sick fuck. I'm quite alive. Dog on a stick is my favorite store. You should give it a try. Oh!

I don't wanna be here anymore! I don't wanna be here anymore! Yay! I bet you eat at Sbarro, don't you? You eat that weird folded pizza thing, don't you? I would never eat at Sbarro! If that's what you would say, I would eat wherever you would wanna go! Okay, I like this guy. I like this guy. I like that. I was getting ready to find a random brick and throw it at his head.

Let's go find... We have to find... Yeah, let's get our group together. My kid brother. Looking for electronics? Check out the shack! Does he look alive? He looks alive enough. He's animating as though he's right there, but he's clearly in a flat window almost.

Sorcery. Some sort of evil, dark sorcery. You look like you might need some new wears. Have you considered heading to J.C. Copper? No, no, no. This jacket fits me just fine, thank you. It was a gift from my uncle. You could find some pants to go with that toga. I don't like this guy. It's giving me bad feelings. Do you think he...

is one of these slime things in disguise. It's some sort of dark magic. This is beyond my comprehension. I think that we should go back, and before we finally break the master's goddamn skull... Please don't do that! I'm quite alive! We're in the Dead Mall! This is 90s hell! Have you checked out "Build an Owlbear on the Second Floor"? It's quite amusing! Oh, no. I could be convinced.

You know, my little goddaughter always wanted a building owlbear, but we could never afford it. And also because there was no building owlbear in Ogleton. I've never heard of a building owlbear so alluring or ever before.

This podcast is brought to you by our Patreon. Become a patron today at patreon.com slash legendsofavantris and gain access to tons of exclusive perks, including a monthly movie night and a weekly Patreon-exclusive campaign set on the high seas. Shroud over Saltmarsh. You can also go to thecrookedmoon.com to pick up your own copy of our first published supplement,

crooked moon a folk horror tome for dungeons and dragons fifth edition and don't forget to snag all the extra goodies like dice miniatures plushies a tarot deck and more thank you you make your way back to the food court bypassing the map directory and uh the advertisement panel

And the strange music continues to be eternal and pervasive through the space. The opening chords and riff almost sounded like semi-sonic. It sounded like a CW sitcom in the 90s. It sounded like all those, you know, like One Tree Hill. Hey guys, are you done closing up yet?

"Hey, everybody." "Hey, my kid brother's awesome." Did you make your 10 million gold?

I didn't make 10 million gold, we were shutting down. We made, I think, one more silver. I was just hoping, maybe. I'm at five silver now. Pepperoni. I was really rooting for you guys. I was hoping maybe you got lucky. Well, we were trying. Yeah, you did, but then we had to close down and actually lost money. Did you spend your money?

Well, how did you lose money? I don't remember when you owed that. I had to pay for the condoms. The what? The what? He asked if we got lucky. I said, yeah, I did, but I lost money because of it. You know, I never use them myself.

Is that why you're so green? No, I mean, it's just a good way to save money. It's like showering with your wellies on. Like, with a raincoat on. What is he talking about, Uncle Porkos? I will tell you when you are home. When the time comes. You said a lot of things I don't understand. No, that's what big sheepskin wants you to think. We should move on. Immediately, please. Oh, I...

Did you guys check out the "As Seen on the Theatre" stage? The what? The store? Oh no, no, we didn't make it there. We spent a lot...

You know how many novelty t-shirts there was at the Warner Brothers store? It took me full four hours just to find the one that I really, really wanted. Oh, was it the one that says "I'm a Dove"? Oh, yeah! Hey, you know, you get it because when Helen is... It's basically completely white so it gets stained instantly. And then it just constantly tans. You know what I didn't understand?

That store had all those different characters on those t-shirts, but then they also had those same characters wearing strange clothes, kind of like us, with the baggy pants and a backward hat. Oh, yeah. Very weird. I didn't understand it. Yeah, I won't tell you. That one rabbit, you know, the bra, with the basketball? Oh, the, uh, oh, yes. Oh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the

She reminded me of a character from the action arcade game that I was playing before we blacked out. What? The Kung Fu Master. She had hips like Lula Bunny. Oh, that was a three fighter, probably a two rapper. Yes. That was a good one. Yes, three play from two, exactly right. I'm more of a... I thought you were referencing Ivy. I'm more of a Blanka guy myself. I'm more of a...

You know, that's fine. That's fine. There's no accounting for taste here. There's no accounting for taste. Well, we should probably go on with this adventure. Yes. Is everyone alive suddenly? Let us move on. Oh!

You are in the food court and things are still very strange all around you. You can see now that you've gotten acclimated there are all the stalls for the various food items that I mentioned. There is beyond the threshold of this food court arena there is the fountain that you woke up near just around the corner. There are these large tall panels that

That you can see an animated person talking to various customers as they walk by. You can also see that just to the other side, on the opposite, down the opposite hallway, there's animated stairs that just go up and continue to go up in an eternal fashion. All of these things are still strange, new, and alien to you. Even to the both of you, Pegaroni and...

Sausage, you've been here for a month, 10,000 years, a century, for however long you've been working this Cinder Bun, you still feel brand new to you because of how alien it is in comparison to your former life in Ogre Town. How are the stairs moving by themselves? What kind of magic is that?

Hell magic, I think. Is everything hell magic around here? Yes. You want to see some hell magic? No, I'm terrified. Okay. There's that one friend who's just a little kid. I would like to see. But he looks like he's like 40. What? No, whoa, wait.

He's 42. I don't look anything like him. I'm 44. 44 now? Hey. That was improving my complexion. Hey, that's a compliment. Hey, the ninth lady gave you a compliment. You look like, you know, like you're a man. Like you're coming of age, young man. God, don't mind. I'm pretty sure that Uncle...

Uh, uh, uh, Gabagool kept saying that you were 42. That's all the 42, 42, 42. It's so hard to remember. I've been in hell for 10,000 years. Whoa! So you're actually 10,042. Yeah, that's how it works down here. It's kind of like this dance. Does that make you the older brother now? No.

Nah, Zagabagoo's still alive. In 10,000 years, I haven't picked up any additional wisdom. No, no, no. You never really did have the brain. I was always the brain losing affirmation between the three brothers. That's why in 10,000 years... That's why you needed your brothers. He was waiting for us the whole time. I couldn't figure out how to get out of here. I just trusted in the fact that you'd end up in hell. Ha ha ha.

You just showed up one night? Well, I showed up here. We've done most of the same stuff together. Oh, that's a fair point. So, you know, here I sit selling Cinnabons behind the counter. I don't want to alarm anyone.

but it really feels like the longer we stay here, the more likely we are going to turn into one of those. And I point to the horrific monster over there. I don't want to turn into that. We have to get out of here. It's going to take a long time for you to turn into that. Hold on. Ring, ring. Hello? It's a collect call from prison.

Yes. Oh, prison. Yeah. Yeah. Okay? Okay. All right. And I just put the phone down. I don't hang it up. I just put it down and let the sound go. He didn't talk, did he? Did he fucking squeal? No, he's squealing. Yeah. Yeah, he's squealing. This thing that we have, no fucking reference. I did 20 years in the can. 20 years in the can, not a peep.

And we have these young kids going in and they squeal like fucking pigs the second they go in. You know, I wanted a grilled cheese sandwich. Who wouldn't? Just like mine. I wanted ragu. I wanted brajol. And I ate filthy grilled cheese off of a ratty head.

What is he talking about? He's completely lost his mind. 20 years in the can. 20 years in the can. When they kept you in the oddly intelligent pig pen? Exactly right. 20 years in there. Also, it's the exact amount of time that Gabigool was married to Kim Chi. 20 years. I can't believe this. Uncle Gabigool, how old are you?

I'm 64 years old, you know this? I forgot. I'm one year away from ritually being eaten by the ogres. You don't look a day over 29. That's why I asked, Uncle Gabagool. I'm glad you said that, otherwise I'm gonna have to kick your ass to prove a point. Every day Gabagool would wake up, one of the ogres would be like, we hit you in less than one year.

Now who's laughing? Now who's in a giant fucking crazer? And now who's in 90 tail? Oh, they have a TV that sees their 2,500 gold pieces. Well, I can't afford that. Oh, five gold pieces a week for 500 wee. I can afford that. How does anyone stay in data this whole time? How does no one stay? Okay, let's go. You can take these Cinnabon hats off now.

Can they? Yeah, can we? I've never taken mine off. Ooh, clock it out. Well, when you guys clock out, where do you normally go? Do you live here? Do you just sit around the food court? Well, I was going to watch Good Will Hunting, but it's at the theater upstairs. Oh. Baby, theater's on here. That's amazing. Oh, it's a great place. Oh, yeah, and their popcorn's fantastic. You can get this butter-flavored pig lard that you just put all over it, and it's

That's pretty nice. We must go right away. You can also get a pickle if you're feeling like one. One pickle? Yeah, it's one pickle for one dollar. The ogres used to have a theater, but they never let us in. No. But I always wish to go. Yeah. You see the great classics, the dramas. Yeah. The comedies, the tragedies. Yeah, they just show that Goodwill movie. And there's a bunch of people who demonstrated Goodwill get hunted. Yeah.

That was a good one, actually. The other had a version of that, too, actually. It was very gruesome. The problem is this is hell, so halfway through the movie, the tape breaks and it just starts back over. We don't know how it ends. Pickles are good, though. Yeah. Well, I mean, when you put it like that...

You know, they don't make... You know, who are the actors in this new play they got in the theater? You're talking about Good Will Hunting? Hunting Good Will. Well, Matt Demon. Yeah, Matt Demon's in it. Matt Demon, okay. From Halloween, the famous demonic actor. Matt Demon. Oh, so not the humans we know in life. They're demons. No, yeah, it's a demon movie theater. Who else?

You know, that other guy. Oh, oh. Philip Thinmore Hoffman. He was great. He was great. But you know who was even better? Gary Cooper, the strong silent type. They don't make actors like that no more. They don't make actors like Gary Cooper no more. Whatever happened to that?

Okay, we should probably... We should move on. Well, yeah, so we have to decide. Are we going to go see a film? Are we going to... We should break out. We have to escape the hell. Right away. Well, we can't. We don't have enough money to get out. I'm the only one who's concerned about this. No, we should go right now. Come join us. We're incognito. He said they built a door and it comes in and out. We did. We did. Well, where is it? Okay. The problem is it's back through the...

the local cheese and we can't go back that way. I tried. You think and you realize, you woke up next to that fountain. You have no idea where the local cheese is. During the montage, I looked for it and I couldn't find it. Wait a minute. Have we ever heard about the local cheese? It doesn't ring a bell to you. Holy shit, it's right over there. No, that's the bath in Body Works. Oh, I thought that was the same thing. Carry on. Okay.

Oh, the bath and body works? Oh my gods. They're turning their bodies into bath tubs. Oh! Oh! I mean, it's so grotesque, but I can look away. You're watching as they're twisting limbs into the claw position.

They're taking the mouth and stretching it out into the full bath to make the actual tub shape. A lot of screaming, a lot of violence. I gotta say, as far as things go around here, we didn't have it too bad. No, I mean, hey, we're... Could have been turned into tubs, you know what I mean? That was close for me. Oh.

Yeah, the only thing worse than this was going to a Jeepers and all the rice was broken down. And the ice cream machine was out of water. Oh, it's always out of water. It's regular. It's regular. I will wait for you at the Hellmark store. Hellmark? Why did I think of that? Jesus. I'm running out of time. You did now. Wow, Derek, great store. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, my God. Is it?

Is that a tree and sprouted onto it a limited edition Princess Diana Bee baby? And now every time I reach for it, the branch just drops! Oh, do you have a hell box thrown at you? Hell yeah! No! No! This is truly is hell! This is truly is hell! Do you guys want to go get your ears pierced at Claire's and then get some glamour shots?

No. Glamour shot. The old glamour shot. Well, never mind. You're too young. Okay. Whatever you say, Uncle Gaogu. A bunch of comical foghorns and other sound effects. You need to blend in, though. Do you want to split my tracksuit?

You already split half of it with me. I can continue splitting. What, are you going to give her one pant leg? I ripped one pant leg off my track pants. Oh, no. On the dome! Hurry! There's no time! We're wearing thematic alcohol.

Yeah, but they didn't know your employees! We need to sneak out or break out! Oh, yeah, gimme that! I mean, we could always just go to one of these shops and just purchase a new outfit. I mean, I've been meaning to go to the Hot Topic and pick up another band team. I've never been into the Joseph A. Yeah.

No, we are not fucking going to the Joss A bank. Why would we go to the Joss A? Fuck Joss. What's wrong with Joss? Because he has a bank where he's... You know, we're not going to get into this. This dialogue is terrible. I'm not taking you to the Joss A bank. Cringe.

Well, now that you look like your little cool jag, here we go. We try to break into the mall. There has to be a way out of here. You guys have worked here for 10,000 years. We go to the directory to see if we can notice any hidden entrances. Okay, you walk five feet in one direction. It is here!

We didn't get very far. Interested in the theater at home? No! Check out Real Render where you can-- Shut up! Shut up! No! Help me!

How may I help you, sir? He's just trying to do his job. This is just my job. I want to know where we are and how we get out of here. All I can do is advertise the shops in the store. You'd have to look at a map like the directory. But I'm warning you not to press that button. It'll kill me instantly. I press the button. I slam the button on the directory. I can free you from it! It changes instantly to an image of... One moment. Oh!

What have you done? It suddenly shifts and you can see this square, like what it looks like appears to be a perfect map. You can see all the different shops are labeled with different numbers and underneath, column after column of all the different numbers organized by type. Clothing, accessories, electronics, things you've never even heard of are all described here. And it says...

At the very bottom, you are here, though that arrow does not point to anything in particular. You do, however, spy that there are, at the end of each wing, what appear to be exits. Exits? Yeah, it says exit. Okay, so we don't know where we are, but we can see that there are potentially exits. What have you done? What do you mean, what have I done? Oh my god, look, there's-- You've killed the man. There's an exit right next to the demon Marcus. We could just go over there.

Demon Marcus. Demon Marcus? That's very good. Are we already in hell or what? Demon Marcus. Oh, man. I do owe Kim Chi 20 years of anniversary presents. We can make up for it. Maybe we can go on with it. He was the only other man we've met here that was alive.

This whole time! I mean, maybe you were in hell. Do you trust what everybody says? Yeah, I trusted him. He said he was alive! He was also annoying! We will not forget you. And you will never forget your first. What? It'll stick with you. Hey, we're in hell. Nothing counts, right? There's no rules here. No, no, no, it'll stay with you. Really? You killed the man. I don't feel any different. It was just a button. I think Calamari's a psychopath. We should look for the exit.

- Let us go! - It's right next to the demon moccasin. - And you know where that is? - I mean, we just gotta continue down the path. - Okay.

Alright, we're getting somewhere. Wait, are we saying we can kill you without feeling any guilt? I thought there were no rules in hell. Why else would Soph want us to go to heaven when we have to be good and follow the rules all the time? Hell's the opposite of that, right? There's no rules here. Well, I mean, there's a whole bunch of rules, but just none of them really matter. But what if because of this you are trapped here now?

Well, I guess we'll figure out and we'll cross that bridge when we get there. But we're trying to break out anyway. Well...

Oh, Sausage, look. They have a sports abuse of authority. I said we should go, but you really never had the making of a varsity athlete. No, you know, it always hurts when you say that. You know, I've always said you never had the making of a varsity athlete. I always said that about you. You know that? I also said that, oh, my poor baby brother, he's just a kid. He's 42 years old. He never meant to die the way that he did.

On account of that I'll catch you. I'm a ghoul, I've always looked up to you. Exactly right. And it hurts when you say I never had the makings of a varsity athlete. I mean, you know. Because I could have done it. I just... If I hadn't died to my assassin after helping her, I could have been a varsity athlete. I think you were a little old for varsity athletes, despite being my kid brother. I thought I was pretty good at this, you thought. Well, after all this...

You know, Quasimodo predicted all this. Oh, here he goes again, poor ghost. I thought we were over this. Me too. What did he predict? Quasimodo predicted this. All of the hell. He told you we were going to go to hell. The hell, the death, the time crisis too. The sports abuse of authority, the demon market. Quasimodo predicted all of this. We really should have listened to that guy. Why didn't you tell us about it? You know, when he said, hey guys...

There's not actually Inoga Heaven. It's actually a bunch of space alien octopus-faced people from beyond the stars that have a giant spaceship. And it's going to fly into the sky after a bunch of strangers come up. And then a dragon's going to attack it. It's going to crash and kill everybody. I'm like, what are you talking about? That's blasphemous. You shouldn't even be saying that. Most of that is untrue. Yeah, that's what I was told. That's why I was like, how can we believe Quasimodo? But he predicted the orange season. He knew of the...

Sbarro? He knew of the Sbarro. It's pronounced S-bar-ro. He knew of the WB store and the plastic approximation of Jim Carrey with a ghoulish orange wig.

He knew this. And yet we doubted Quasimodo. Did he know that my favorite Batman action figure would be there? It's the George Clooney one! Look, even he has the nipples! Little nipples! He even said "especially the nipple." I think back to what Quasimodo said about what we would do in this situation. Make an intelligence check. Not good. Intelligence?

12. You look over at the directory and there appears to be exits that are clearly marked on the map. Oh, right by the steaming market. Why'd you say so? You think about the alternative that your brother enjoyed of working here for years, decades, thousands of years perhaps in order to earn a wage. And that sounds so horrific to you.

The only other alternative would be to potentially rob and steal, finding opportunities to make a little coin and trying to resist all of the wonderful consumer products available in 90s hell. All right, Spa Peggy and Meatballs, please do lead the way. To the demon, Marcus. You call me what? Spa Peggy and Meatballs. Spa Peggy? Yes. Is this not your name? No, I'm Pegoroni. What? What?

I've known you your whole life. I've been calling you Spot Peggy and Meatwops this whole time. Yeah. Surely you are joshing me. She pulls my leg. I fucking hate Jose Bank. Let us go to the exit and then we can kill everyone inside Jose Bank. Yeah, all right. No repercussions. I'm in. Wait a minute. What do you mean, wait a minute?

We were finally about to mobilize, are you sure you want to say that? Please, come on! What do you mean, wait a minute! They have a Disney store. No hell pun, that's it. Just the Disney store. That's a long name for a store! It takes three, four lines on the actual directory. Everything else is just one.

But you do get a sense of all the different stores on the directory. You see that there are various... There is a place called Real Render...

There's a place called Shack, JC Copper. There's a place on the second floor next to this theater called War Zone. There's a store called The Middle Class. There's a store called Unnatural Wonders. There's a clothing store called The Abyss. Feet Locker. Spencer's Gifts. Just Spencer's Gifts. Stonebrook. Bitey Toys. Build an Owlbear. The Body Shop. Health.

Vivian Secret, Hellmark, and Demon Marcus. You know what I was thinking? We don't have to be in a rush to get out of here or anything. You guys want to hit up that gigantic ice skating rink in the very center of the mall and just do that for a while?

Wait, is that where literally Satan is entombed? With his great wings trying to beat against it, but actually in all of his struggle it keeps making him colder and freezes him. In a great symbolism of how powerless the devil is in the faith of God. And underneath, in a huge crowded circle as they slowly make their way, are tons of children pushing along little upside down buckets so that they don't fall over.

It's pretty horrific. Wow, it's literally Satan down there. So we could go... We should proceed.

You know, Glamour Shots is on the way to the Demon Marcus. As you say that, you are realizing that you're right next to a photo booth. It says it right there on the side. And there's a small doorway entrance with a small curtain that's hanging about halfway down. Sorry.

Sausage. You promised. You promised that we could do the photo booth the next time we were over this way. It says next to it that it would cost you four copper pieces for four photos. Come on, I'll pay for it. Have we seen anyone in the entire time, the hours that we've been dicking around, have we seen anyone walk into this photo booth? Make a perception check.

That's not gonna be good. Come on. Woo! Dirty 20. Dirty 20? Um, yeah, you've seen people go. Have I noticed anyone come out? Fucking hell! They do come out. Yeah, but it's all been in the periphery. I say nothing. I just look at the photo booth nervously. Come on, come on, you promised. I'm putting the four coppers in. Okay.

You two have a good time. We're going to go into the photo booth. Yeah, have a good time. You walk past the global fountain. Oh, no, it's a suicide booth. Kill box. I was worried about the kill box. You walk inside, and there's a screen in front of you, and you can choose what appear to be various backgrounds. By clicking one, it changes your background to be like a beautiful fantasy-style castle.

And picking another one, there's a waterfall that continues to flow with a bunch of rainbow sparkles at the top and the bottom. There's also what is very evidently a hole that says, look here. We gotta do the look here one. I like the beach one. It's unsettling that so many people are drowning in the background. But I just always like the ocean because I've never been. You want to do like one of each? Yeah.

You suddenly experience a flash and the first picture has been taken.

Oh, what's happening? There's no initial. Get ready for the second one. Do the beach again. Okay, now it's the look here one. Let's point at it. Okay, um... Classic prom photo, hold me. laughter laughter

So will do. I have photos. You voted for your photos. The three of you are waiting outside. What do you do for the minute to two minutes? You just listen quietly to this music? No! I look at my uncles and I say, guys. Yes. I'm worried they don't want to leave hell. I think they've been brainwashed.

I mean, they were very reasonably priced seer. Just the one? Just the one? Just the one? Just the one? No plural here. Great, great prices. And you know, Garlamond?

Now that you've developed a taste for killing... I don't know if I have, you guys stop saying that! And you might be 20 years in the can, I'm thinking time as a rite of passage, I teach you how to make radiator grill cheese. How long does it take?

A lot longer than you think. There's a clattering sound as six copper pieces from the silver piece that was put in by Pegaroni, there's a clattering sound as six copper pieces fall into a little receptacle, the change from the four copper pieces remaining, and then next to it, a strip of paper falls down with clearly four photos on it. Whoa!

What is this? Picking it up, you look closely and you see the first photo, they're looking sort of at each other, completely unposed, unfamiliar with the device, seemingly. And looking at the second one, I believe that you guys did the peace symbol, but this one, you do a double take.

In this one, their hair is gray. Their wrinkles crow's feet on their eyes. They look very different. Looking at the next photo, they're doing the-- The prom hold. We were pointing. No, we were pointing. The pointing one. And they've grown much, much older. By the time you get to the last photo where they're back to back in the prom-- No, we're prom photo. Holding each other. The prom photo. My apologies. They're now elderly.

Guys! No! What is this? This is just some sort of hell magic. The curtain squeaks back and you both emerge. You are both now 80 years older. You're at the edge of death. No! No! No! I'm 10,122! Oh, God! No! Anyone's got a head?

I'll reach into my

Flavortown. What time is it? And I'll pull out the light gun from, uh, from Crackers 2. The pink one. Okay, you must do this. You must do this thing. How'd you take the prices? Right is on! Kill him, man! What? What, Uncle Sausage? What? Just don't miss. No! I can't! I can't! No! No!

There's a-- you're shock and horror. There is a blast of light emerges out from the end of this pistol, and all of a sudden blood red spray out in all directions, covering the mall floor, the marble floor of this dead mall. He dies instantly.

Uncle Sausage! No! Finish the job! You know what you have to do! What do you mean he's dead? Oh, God! Hold on! There's one left! The job has not been finished. I think you just need some sloppier... Whatever that mouth-to-mouth shit is! I'm just gonna climb on top of him. As you reach down, you open your mouth and start to give mouth-to-mouth, and your...

both of your teeth fall out into the concavity of his open skull, which is completely-- My brains have been scattered in a paintbrushed form right out the back of my--

My pizza is a mess, my thing! Your hesitation is just cruel at this point, Calamari. What hesitation? I already taught you how to make the ratty in a grilled cheese. Calamari! Calamari! What? I love my pizza! This is the next step, Calamari. What do you want me to do? You know what you have to do, Calamari. Yeah! Calamari! This is a new one. Calamari!

The ogre's headed right. You know what you live past to be fine. You know what you live past to be fine. I turn my head away as I raise the light gun. I turn in the direction of Pegaroni's gum teethless whining. And with one hand between my hands,

I pull the light gun trigger and I try to just obliterate Pegaroni off the face of this mall. Even with your eyes covered, you see a thin silver lining of a flash as the illumination once again emits out of the end of this killing Pegaroni and scattering brains across the mall. Why did it have to be me? Why did it have to be me?

You had to learn like we did. Oh, by the way, step on that, uh, that Phil's, uh, pad on the reload. Okay. Okay.

When you do, you... I didn't ask for this! As you're clearing the tears away from your face, all of you, the three of you who remain alive, hear the sound echoing through the mall hallway. Cough!

You turn and you see a uniformed creature. A creature wearing a badge, what is clearly a very, very tight, almost like a police outfit, uniform. And

It raises for but he has massive hooved feet his giant furred legs that stretch up into a torso that is obviously ripped and muscle a huge clawed hands and and massive horns that come out of the top of this huge fiend this devil that is standing 11 12 feet up into the air almost as tall as the storefronts themselves and

towering over you, you see the badge on the front of this mall cop. Sergeant Pittman. Blart. Close. So close. So close. It is not a crime to make a mess. Okay, thanks, bye. But...

You will clean it up. No, we're not. Hey. Get a load of this guy. He's not a real cop. He's the real cop. He's the real cop. Hey, why don't you get out of here, goofus? Go back to your unsatisfied wife. He reaches down and grabs you. He grabs you by the bowling shirt. And he picks you up. He won't do anything. He won't do anything.

He's not going to do it. I'm not even going to roll the hit. He just goes. You failed.

You will follow the rules! He throws, he throws, uh, uh, Gagoo's body all the way 20, 30, 40 feet until it splashes into the fountain, filling it with bloody water, clouding it. I'm stunned. I'm stunned at what I've just witnessed. The absolute carnage that has happened all around me. I look at this devil

I'll give him once over. Does he appear to be carrying any weapons? He does not appear to be carrying any weapons. Shaking, I look down at my pendant and I say, In the land of the unarmed, the one-gun man is king! And I pull the trigger as I attempt to blow the ball. Okay, roll the hit. Roll the hit. Oh!

What's my plus, just whatever I've got? That's a good question. We have to decide what the fuck this is. Oh my god. It's a hell gun. He's got a space hell gun. Holy shit. There's an item for it. This is the greatest session we've ever played. Thank you.

Oh no.

I really never saw our photo booth adventures going south. I didn't think that. 3d6 radian. 3d8 radian. I'm thinking laser rifle. If there's a laser pistol. There is a laser pistol. 3d6. 3d6. What's my plus to hit just whatever I've got here? Yes. It's plus six, if that's cool. That's perfect. Okay, don't fail me now. Holy shit. Come on.

Oh, okay, 19 to hit. 19 to hit. Just hits. Oh boy. Oh wow. 3d6 plus anything? I've got plus 4 here. Yeah, it would be plus your... If that's reasonable. Yeah. Not bad. 9, 10, 11, 12, 13 total damage from this time...

Time split or time crisis. There's no way he doesn't have more than 30 influence. He's a ball cop. He's a giant devil man. He's not gonna do nothing. It does damage his uniform, but it doesn't seem to even leave a mark as you hit his bicep. I pull the trigger as I scream, "Eat light, scumbag!" And then I go, "Uh-oh!"

He reaches down immediately, very quickly. It's going to be a 24 to hit. Oh, it just hits. Shoot him again! Shoot him again! I have to pull the trigger again and I'm out of bullets. I tried to find the middle one. No!

He punches down and he does 22 bludgeoning damage plus 21 fire damage as he hits you with the same ferocity that Gabagool was killed instantly by. It's 21 fire damage? Yes. I am not killed instantly. You're not killed instantly? By one point.

21 plus the... plus... I have 22 current hit points. Yeah, so 22 bludgeoning. So I'm unconscious. I'm not killed outright. I see. By one point. So you watch as your brother is knocked out instantly for nevering to fire... shoot the... mechanically the pit fiend Mall Cop. Don't get away with this! He's laying down! I'm gonna try to shoot him. Roll a hit.

I'm gonna rage as well. 19? 19's just this. That's what I got. What is it? What is the deal? Just this? 3d6 plus whatever the plus is. 3d6, uh, yeah, radiant. Oh my god. Uh, 18 radiant damage. 18 radiant damage. Thank you. Death to the dragon.

As I get knocked unconscious, I yell, "I was a good kid!" And the mall cop goes, "But what about the murders?" And I say, "What murders?" He reaches down and mechanically we'll say he casts Fireball, which he can do at will. And everything around you ignites. All of a sudden you're consumed by heat. I don't think that you're gonna win this one, so we'll just fast forward to the end, which is when everything goes dark.

There's a long period of serenity, peace for all of you. The abyss. Until suddenly, you're blinking. And you're all sitting, the five of you, staring at each other's faces. You're in the food court. You're surrounding a round table, and in front of you is...

Meals from, not Sparrow, certainly, but from the various area. You seem to have been resurrected back to full hip. Goodbye, Sparrow sponsorship. Yeah, sorry, Sparrow. We don't want it. We don't want it. There's Taco Hell in front of some of you. Pretz Hell's, perhaps a cookie. But you feel refreshed, except a little bit.

A little worse for the wear. Each of you takes a corruption point. And you now have two corruption points. You're feeling gummy. You're down to two hairs. You're feeling sluggish. Your body is bloating. Looking around, you're realizing... So he hasn't changed. This must be what's happening to the other customers here.

They're transforming and slowly becoming these lemurs, these primordial infernal oozes. And that will be your fate if you don't do something about it. What happens? Everything just happened so quickly. Before I knew it, there was a gun in my hand. Before I knew it, there was a gun in my hand. You've been restored back to your normal age. Oh, great. Do I have my time crisis 2 gun?

You do not. Unfortunately, it seems to have been taken. It's a dangerous weapon. You know, Quasimodo predicted that too. I really shouldn't have listened to that guy. It was a...

Worthy opponent. We clearly underestimated the mohawk. Nah, he's a fucking goon. He has no authority. You guys were talking pretty big game right before he splattered your guts everywhere. That was a lucky shot. He was a lucky shot. While we're here, do you guys want to play mash and find out who we're gonna marry?

What? You mean Watchmash? Do they have reruns in the theater? No, there's a game, and I'll fold the paper, and then we do the thing, and then you figure out the Mash Mary apartment...

Seaside and then house or something. Oh. Oh, mansion, apartment. What does that stand for? And then house. Perhaps a shack? You're right. Mansion, apartment, shack, or house. And so that's how you determine whether you're going to wind up in one of you when you play M.A.S.H. I go to the jukebox and put on the M.A.S.H. theme song. We do the monster M.A.S.H. It was a graveyard. M.A.S.H. Put this on. We do the M.A.S.H.,

Let's go to the exit. I was just going to ask, kind of the fact that enough of you shot me in the head if we're giving up on the demontage.

Demon mod gets eggs here, I did. You were all screaming at me to do it. I didn't want to. You grabbed the gun and you put it to your forehead. There's a lot of stuff going on at the time. I was very confused. I didn't ask you to shoot me in the head. I was shaking and crying and calling your name, asking for help. It was Porkers and Gavagool. They were yelling at me. It was for the best. No, we ground out her begging and pleading for her life, actually. You were past your prime. There was nothing left to live for. There was no life there. No. Well...

You know, if we're gonna make our way to the Demon Market, there's that photo booth on the way. No, no. No, that's what got us in this predicament in the first place. You guys aged like 150 years. We're all hangry. We're all hangry. Let's all get a meal from Pandemonium, capital city of Hell Express. And after the delicious chow mein...

Oh, I could go for some chow mein. We'll all feel a lot better and we will be well suited. The proportions are pretty great. Did you know, most people don't know this, so I'm going to blow your mind. You can get half and half rice and chow mein. You don't have to pick. When they ask you which one you want, that's false. Yeah, but the fried rice sucks.

Well, yeah, but I'm just saying if you wanted it. Well, I don't want it. I just want... I want double chow mein. I want extra chow mein. Okay, well, then you get extra chow mein. What I will say is don't ever get there. Chow mein.

What? That's very funny. That was cool. You also have another small eureka. Just before the life left you, you remember plunging into the fountain waters. What are you going to do? You had a thread of consciousness as you were flung into the fountain waters, and you remember as you...

unable to prevent yourself from smashing into the tile bottom of the fountain, that there are coins at the bottom of the fountain. - First, pandemonium capital city of Hell Express from Milton's Paradise Lost. And then we go to the fountain. - Deep cut. - What are we gonna go to the fountain for?

When that, uh, that mook, loser, pathetic Paul Blart-looking motherfucker did his cheap shot on me, he's lucky that I twisted my back out golfing. That's all I'm gonna say. I saw some coins in the fountain. That reminds me of a song. You know the word?

Oh, my goodness! Oh, you're going to the fountain! Oh, you're going to the fountain! Yes, yes! Come on, you guys!

We sing the whole song. Flawlessly, you all sing the whole song before you get up and you start to make your way out of the food court. Well, we haven't ordered from the-- You have a quick plate of pandemonium express. Subtract two copper pieces for each of you. So it would be one silver piece total. I'll get this one. All right, that's fair. They mostly belong to you.

And you stand up, belly's full, feeling rejuvenated, almost as though you had enjoyed a long rest. And you...

continue to make your way. You are on your way to the rightmost wing of the dead mall towards the Demon Marcus. Passing the fountain, passing the directory map, which as you are walking by, a small child goes up to and clicks the advertisement button and pressed up against the glass. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

See? I think he's joking. I think he's just messing around. I told you, Vildi! No, this is not real. Whoa. It's not real. Is this a literal child in hell? I love you. That's got some dark implications. You know what's fucked up? They probably should baptize the kid, I guess. 10,000 years, I've never seen anybody push that button before. You've clearly not met children. They are Satan's pawns, so it would make sense that you would be here. The adolescent, let's say, doesn't notice, but is just...

pushing back the buttons back and forth and it's going from map to body. Look, anybody could have killed that guy. It wasn't me. He said if you press the button... I didn't hear that. I didn't hear that. It wasn't me. I'm just really thinking we should probably figure out who did this. It could be anyone. We should really get to the bottom of who murdered that guy. Do you want me to call the mall cop back over here to see if we can find out who did it? No, no, no. Now that I know that he's coming, I could beat the living...

Especially with midfield watching no, Mr. Field

All of a lifetime supply of cookie and also sweet treats. It'd be good. Still walking and talking. You continue down the hallway. You're seeing many of the stores that you haven't seen before. Farther and farther down. Walking past the real render. Walking past the shack. Walking past the middle class, which you're sad to see. The middle class is actually close. Already?

Oh no! We're like 15 minutes too early! And you're walking, there seems to be in the center, just as you're walking past the hall, a small kiosk, like a small cart. And sitting on a stool at the end of one of these carts is a young woman. She's wearing a large, vibrant, two sizes too big

orange sweater. She has a ton and ton and ton of bracelets on both hands. These large earrings. Her hair is, her brunette hair is up in two giant buns on both sides. And she's like, "Well, hi! You guys wanna buy a calendar? We all got all kinds of calendars." - We're looking for the exit. - It's just down here by the Deena Market.

You know, this is actually one part about the 90s I don't miss. Calendars make a shitty gift. We got cute calendars, though. They're all kinds.

Galamad, you know what to do. No, no, no, no! Yeah, do you have the Calendar Sutra? What? The Calendar Sutra? 365 days of sutra? I think so. It's here in the back. Yeah, why don't you go in the back and see if you can find it? She starts to walk around to the other side. All right, run. We gotta get out of here or we're gonna be stuck here forever. I also think that's the spread for May. LAUGHTER

Oh, well they, oh actually, you know. Maybe I spoke too soon. They have a calendar of some of Jason Alexander's most chuckle-worthy lines. Oh, okay. I got it! I found the calendar! Oh wow, you didn't have to hold it open. It was fine, well...

Yeah, it's here. It's all 365 days. Just like I said, it's just five copper. Yeah, now that I'm looking at it, I don't think I want it. We got other calendars, too. We got cute animals. Do you have David Kincaid?

I think so. All the 90s moms love David Kincaid. I think it's in one of the drawers. Hold on. What about, hey, hold on. Do you have a calendar with just a bunch of weird naked babies and like, you know, happy poses and stuff? People love the naked babies calendar. We got a ton of those. Yeah, so you should look for that one. You should look for the David Kincaid and, you know. Oh, do you have Lisa Frank? Uh-huh. Okay, yeah, look for those. Oh, Lisa Frank is nice. Lisa Frank, naked babies, naked.

Kincaid? Top thing, naked baby. I wish I hadn't lost that gun. She runs around, she opens one of the drawers and she pulls out, "Five, ten, that'll be twenty coppers and two silver pieces." Oh no, I didn't, I don't want 'em. We're looking. In the calendars featuring hit 90 star Kevin Kline.

You can check the back for us. I would be happy to, hold on to these. Alright. I throw them down and she's in the back. Go! I go chase it! Chase it! Go! I run with four ghosts, we run for the exit for Demon Marcus. Oh, hold on. We got a ghoul! Are you okay? Uh-oh. We run, we fight Pete! We have a ghoul! He's having another episode. He's in peak fitness. He's doing his breath work.

Uncle Saucy, pick him up! We gotta keep going! Go! Don't let yourself! You never had the making of a part of the athlete. You continue to run down the hallway as it curves in this direction. But eventually you see it. The sign. Red flames. Demon Marcus. And...

What confronts you is the doors that portal out. They're spinning. You can see that there are some creatures who are at their maximum blobular level are walking, and they push their way through these revolving doors, and then they're gone. This is it? This whole time you've been here for 10,000 years and the exit's been right here?

I don't know, I mean the claw machine was pretty fun. I'm not gonna make it guys. What do you mean? We can hit the exits right there! We can roll you through! My heart's giving out. I don't think I can last another corruption. Don't say these things! My brothers. No! My nephew. Yeah, it's me. Whatever you are, back around.

Yeah, some that's fair. Others. In my last moment, I'm going to take one last look at the calendar I stole from that little mouthy girl. Yeah, if cows did make tools, they would be pretty impractical. Oh!

We'll never forget this humorous comic. Let us...

It becomes very clear based on the sound that Gabigool's just fallen asleep. Oh. All right, while he's taking a little laugh, there's the glamour shots right there. No, no, no! We are so close! The great Gabigool slumber. The exit's right there. I threw him over my shoulder. Oh, fine.

It wouldn't be comical if human-sized flies came to dinner. Anyway. You start to race forward, and it's just like the skylights. There's no sense of sky. There's no sense of landscape. There's no sense of terrain in front of you. The...

Whatever the material the doors are made out of, whatever the material these large panes of glass are made of that make up the wall of this exit, they're not affording you any view of whatever lays beyond. It's just a bright white light, almost like the face of a clock.

It's glowing and illuminated, but hoping beyond hope that you might be able to escape the dead ball, each of you push one after the other through the next, through the revolving door, through the revolving door. And...

You push through, re-emerging back, back inside of the dead mall, following in the exact same order, but feeling very strange. I need each of you to roll a d20. Uh-oh. A d20, you say? Uh-oh. This is it. This is the moment. A 17 for Gobble Ghoul. A 14. Oh, God. A 9. Sausage? I got a 4. Mm-hmm. A natty one. Good. Troll 1. Good.

What order did you guys go in? Probably... I think we didn't pull it out. I would've been last. Porkos was definitely in the lead. Oh yeah, oh man I was behind you. I would've, I'd probably be third. Okay. Sorry. So Porkos, then Gaba Ghoul, then Calamari. Yeah, nice. And I would bring up the rear as I look fondly at the glamour shots.

Poor ghost. You emerge back and disappointingly you see the... You see the mall. But you're overcome by its 90s hellishness. And you believe that you are...

In a motivational fitness video, you suddenly feel... I'm not fucking making that shit up, unbelievably. You suddenly feel as though you are put here on this earth, on this hell, to convince others to gain fitness. As this happens, your brother, Gabagool, emerges behind you.

You believe that you're a fantasy adventure cartoon character. You narrate everything in epic terms, referring to items as artifacts of power and dramatically naming your weapons. Sausage, you merge behind. Do you feel about... Calamari's next, right? Oh, my apologies. Calamari. Calamari. Calamari! You were similarly disappointed, hoping that you were going to be able to move on. You...

Okay.

You are now an infomercial host, narrating every action as if demonstrating a product complete with "Wait! There's more!" and overly enthusiastic gasping. The five of you suddenly group back into the space, customers all about you, storefronts jingling, music coming from speakers overhead. You're trapped in the dead mall. - Gopal Ghul! Are you alive? - They say that the greatest adventure is what lies ahead. We must seek out Quasimodo.

He's the key to all of this, you know. Tell me more. The Dark Lord Paul Blart fuckface. Probably shitting in his pants. And the only way we can defeat it is by finding Quasimodo and casting him into the ball pit of Jeepers.

After all that, I can't believe we're back here in the mall, but at least I have the world famous Uncle Porkos here with me in the mall today. You're here to promote your fitness videos. - You have heard of me? - Of course I have, you're world famous. - Yes, yes, for three easy payments of $49.99, you too can own a copy of my 12 VHS workout routine. - That's amazing, can you elaborate about when you turned to drugs?

Drugs. Yeah, it was a horrible downward spiral. I'm an aging dude. Now talk about this. Well, I'm here to ask the hard-hitting question. It was alleged! It was alleged! There is no proof! Well, it's gotta be hard to keep up saying fit while having such a busy life.

It is! But for only four easy payments of $49.99, you too can watch these VHS tapes at home. Are you a busy mother? What do you have to say to the people who attribute all the weight loss to the cocaine? Alleged! Alleged! Alleged! This body is not my cocaine! Wait. The glittering mithril powder...

Does it exist in this mall? We must find it. It is the key to the 80s. It is the key to the 90s. It is the key to all of the great art and all of our great achievements of the decade. We must find it. I do not know what you're talking about. And if you're intrigued, I know I'm intrigued. Now, if you're here with me, this is Pegaroni on QVC. And we are here to tell you that this is the best place for you to buy Adventures in Workout with the...

Sausage Brothers. Oh, that's right. The Pork Bros. We are the Pork Bros. Yes. New brand name. But that's not all. If you call right now, 1-800-GET-YOUR-PORK-BROS-IN-HELL, you can pick up not just this amazing workout DVD or the treasure map to all kinds of magical additional things, but you can also get Calamari's one and only interview tapes.

I need to make a group performance. Oh, and the pan holder. See how hard it is to use fucking pans? Alright, bro!

I burn my shit all around the pipe! Do you find yourself in this situation where you're trying to pick up a pen and you burn your hand? Well, call 1-800-GET-YOUR-SHIT-IN-HELL and you can get a potholder. I'm just glad they're going through that spinning door and doing their way to anybody. In fact, the only change I have is that pandemonium capital city of Hell Express isn't sitting too well with me.

Oh, you're not feeling well. I shouldn't have gotten a double chow, man. Join me in some squash. Let us go. Join me. A crowd is starting to gather. Do you also find yourself dealing with explosive diarrhea like our pal Sausage here? If you do, please call...

Call 1-800-HAVE-YOUR-SHITS-IN-HELL and you can have our supplemental material which will help you to stiffen your shits. Not two, not three, not four, but many people are starting to show up and they're starting to open their coin purses and looking for potentially how to buy.

I rolled a 22. Lose weight just like this guy did. 22. Achieve grade D. Oh, we're supposed to do that, aren't we? Performance check. Oh. Are we doing performance checks? Yeah. A group performance check. I got a 12. 13 on the dot. Nine.

Natural one. A majority of you succeeded and you see these eager customers start to walk up, walking up to you, Sausage. How do I buy? It's only been a few minutes now. Probably four minutes. It's been four minutes and 20 seconds. I would be happy to tell you how you can buy. $49.99. Hey, shut your dirty mouth, okay? Could you tell me the time?

Are you wearing a watch? I mean, I have this Casio watch right here. Oh, the calculator. Mm-hmm. Oh.

Why? Why are you interested in the show? I'm just wondering what the time is. Oh, four minutes. I'm about to give you 50 silver pieces. Yeah, well, listen, hand me the 50 silver pieces. You are strong, Saucy. You can do this. Just three more. Just three more. You're doing great. You finally have them making the bavard for the end. You're doing great. I'm feeling so good. I'm almost... Get that cardio. You're working your heart. I'm feeling strong. It's the strongest muscle. Yes. I'm feeling strong.

*Screaming* *Screaming* *Screaming* *Screaming* *Screaming* *Screaming* *Screaming* *Screaming* *Screaming* *Screaming* *Screaming* *Screaming* *Screaming* *Screaming* *Screaming* *Screaming* *Screaming* *Screaming* *Screaming* *Screaming* *Screaming* *Screaming* *Screaming* *Screaming* *Screaming* *Screaming* *Screaming* *Screaming* *Screaming* *Screaming* *Screaming* *Screaming* *Screaming* *Screaming* *Screaming* *Screaming* *Screaming* *Screaming* *Screaming* *Screaming* *Screaming* *Screaming* *Screaming* *Screaming* *Screaming* *Screaming* *Screaming* *Screaming* *Screaming* *Screaming* *Screaming* *Screaming* *Screaming* *Screaming* *Screaming* *Screaming* *Screaming* *Screaming* *Screaming* *Screaming* *Screaming* *Screaming* *Screaming* * Screaming* * Screaming* * Screaming* * Screaming* * Screaming* * Screaming* * Screaming* * Screaming* * Screaming* * Screaming* * Screaming* * Screaming* * Screaming* * Screaming* * Screaming* * Screaming* * Screaming* * Screaming* * Screaming* * Screaming* * Screaming* * Screaming* * Screaming* * Screaming* * Screaming* * Screaming* * Screaming* * Screaming* * Screaming* * Screaming* * Screaming* * Screaming* * Screaming* * Screaming* * Screaming* * Screaming* * Screaming* * Screaming* * Screaming* * Screaming* * Screaming* * Screaming* * Screaming* * Screaming* * Screaming* * Screaming* * Screaming* * Screaming* * Screaming*

That's a 20 to hit. Oh. You hit it. Who were you attacking? He was trying to kill the alien. Like, stop on it. Just trying to see if it could get away. I have the Tavern Brawler feat, so I add a d4. Plus... That's very funny. I think four. Where's my... So... Let's say I'm raging, too.

Ten damage. Torkos, in your presence of mind, you are able to get in front of this creature, and just as it tries to dodge out of the way and scurry across the marble floors into one of the stores, you're able to crush it under one of your feet. It burns terribly. There is a...

the sandaled foot immediately starts to melt as acid starts to create a huge cavern, a gap in the actual marble itself. No, no, I have pumps on! I have pumped shoes! My feet are fine! Your feet are fine. Ha! Ha!

As I get out of the way of this creature, as Porkus is stomping it to death, and I find myself standing next to Uncle Gobblegool, and I hold the microphone up to him, and I say, "Ah! Uncle Gobblegool! Where were you when the alien burst out of Uncle Sausage's chest?" Oh, oh, oh, thank goodness. I thought you knew at the end of the answer. I was saying, "Oh man, you never had the Mickey with the boss in the answer, and this spooky alien right there." And he's like, "Poor baby brother."

I always loved him, I always said he never had the speaking of a bossy athlete. Well, what do you have to say to the people who are asking about his uncle Sausage's illicit relationship with an alien woman? Quasimodo predicted that. Oh! You heard it here first, folks. You heard it here first. We need to slay this vile beast or something, whatever my camera's at.

Slaved. Have you ever found yourself in a mall when an alien popped out of someone's chest and then you realized that every single person in that mall was now also infected with that alien? And you desperately were seeking some kind of antidote? Well, come on down to the fountain and provide us with 500 silver pieces apiece and you will be cured of your alien creature. This is a limited time offer and it's there going, going, gone. You better head down to the fountain at the mall right now. Make a...

persuasion check or performance at, I was gonna say disadvantage, but that's very compelling. - And for every one of your silver pieces. - I will re-roll. It has 16 and a 17, so I guess it didn't matter. - For every single one of the silver pieces you donate, a tree will be planted in the rainforest because we care about the rainforest during this time period.

It would be a 21 or a 22. A 21 or a 22. You see customers nodding. They're all looking at you like, oh yeah, I don't want an alien to explode out of my chest. How do I pay right away? Within the next five minutes that you can have a sham wow added to that order.

You immediately see, it's a fountain, the fountain. The crowd starts to move in the direction of the kiosk, down and back towards the center of the dead mall when you hear the sound of footsteps.

We don't have a gun. We don't have our gun! I don't need a gun, kid. Are you gonna kick his ass? I am the great hero. That hot big titty chick from Heavy Metal with that cute little pterodactyl that got him beaten up and killed. Are you worried about your past when you turn to drugs and how that'll affect your performance today? You know what, kid? It was all because of the drugs. All of the prosperity.

All of the great art, all of the great culture, it was because of the drugs. The United Chester rates are up 300% this year. Conditioning has never been more important. And I implore you, focusing on exercise is the number one value. Above family and friends. Above self-worth and self-value. Above even your job. Quit. Quit your job.

No, no, you monster! You're in the way of my brother! Okay, okay, okay, okay. You turn and you can see that Sergeant Pittman was up on the second floor. His wings flap out and he jumps. Yeah, okay, you got wings. He sails down, crushing and landing down in the middle of the hallway right in front of you. I will, do I have any weapon on me?

What weapon would you have had before arriving at the Lepenthe? I would have had a meat hook. You have your meat hook still. I will have my meat hook out. I have my Guy Fieri foot on it. You cannot pass. I am the servant of the secret fire. Wheel of the flame of honor. The dark fire will not avail you, flame of Udun. Go back to the shadow. You shall not pass.

And I will just cling my meat against the wall. You are gone! Roll advantage. Okay. Does anything happen mechanically?

Agent Pittman? More like Agent Bitchman. I throw it down. Before the... Does the security officer look like he's going to move or do anything? When he lands and he hears the speech, he points up and starts to direct his finger in the direction of poor Gavagroo. I run up to him with my microphone in my hand. I say, ah!

Before you do anything else, sir, have you ever done drugs? What? Are you interested? Please, the people want to know. No. Wait, drugs? He's lying. Only rumors. He's lying. I'm calling your supervisor. I'm calling your supervisor.

I need you to make a... wisdom saving throw. What?

It would be a real shame for Morgoth to hear about... As your brain explodes in his skull. You guys all think that he's having another heart attack, but in reality, he's just paralyzed. As he just...

falls over and his head smashes against the cold marble floor of the Mega Mall. A million dollar baby! You get chucked or better called salt. Yeah, I get chucked. I ask only that you clean up your mess! Take these few back to the food court! Sergeant, Sergeant Pickman, what do you like about yourself?

You guys tried to leave... early! He throws a few copper down onto the ground at your feet. Go to the vending machine, clean yourselves up! You're strong! I run a tight ship around here! That's pretty cool! You're disturbing the other customers! And you're very big and scary. You should feel really good about that. Are you gonna do what I ask? In the arms of... You should count your blessings.

There's only one you, bloody one. And that's pretty special. Do you ever find that your loved ones have seizures in the middle of them all? Isn't it pretty cool that you're you? And I'm me. There's no one else like us in hell or elsewhere. You're tempting me to more violence. Really? Go! Go to the vending machine!

Someone needs to take a chill pill. When was the last time you had your blood pressure checked? I checked it this morning. Oh. I'm glad to hear that. Somewhat satisfied, he turns his back to you and he starts to make his way down to the hallway and you're left there with a smattering of a half dozen copper pieces and the paralyzed body of Gabagool and... The pool of blood is now like... It's a sea of blood. You can repeat your saving throw.

We just have to drag him back to the food court? All of this for nothing? That's far. I mean, the doors are right there. And I think Gobble Ghoul still has that groan stick. I take the groan stick and I just kind of push him and Sausage through the rotating doors to resurrect them. Like you're trying to play shuffleboard. Yeah, exactly. I'm just like...

Um, well, they're... Oh my god, that's the alien. That's fucking perfect. Uh, you manage to get their corpses into the rotating doors. And then push and push and push them through. And for the sake of, uh, uh,

brevity, I will say that you are both resurrected. Kabagool's foot gets caught and like breaks up. Yeah, no, it would be disgusting. It would be horrifying what would actually happen to a corpse in this situation, but you find yourselves emerging. However, I need you both to roll another d20 for me. A two. 16. Let me know if anyone got that. You believe you are a member of a popular boy band. Me? Yep. And Sausage...

I escape. You believe that you are an infomercial disaster victim. You constantly fumble with simple tasks. You sigh dramatically and you shout, there's gotta be a better way.

Before we go home, everyone get on the floor. Let's do some crunches.

We need better hearts if we're going to... I'm clearly the star of this operation, you're all holding me back, I'm gonna give my solo career out of the way, mate. Goodbye, no longer a boy band solo career, boy band's destroyed, very 90s. I walk off, and I start to... As confidence! I start to, uh, okay, uh...

"Stolo career, here I come!" And I walk away. Okay. Gopagul leaves the vicinity in whatever direction we'll find out momentarily, but he walks away, leaving the four of you there. Is that a giant pool of blood? Are they trying to clean that up with a normal mop? There's gotta be a better way! Is there a better way?

I must know. Are you like sausage? Are you struggling to clean up a pool of blood with just a standing mop? Do you notice that it keeps slipping out of your hand with every stroke? What does he do? He's just spreading it around.

That's the old boy. He's a failure at life and everything. He's not getting any of it. He's just spreading the blood everywhere. There's nothing special about him. There's blood everywhere. I'm just spreading it around. I'm a failure at life and it's a simple task. And there's nothing unique about you. There's nothing unique about me. I don't even like myself. Instead of a mop, try a vacuum. What?

Just pushing the blood around. Oh, there's so much blood. Oh, this vacuum. Oh, it's just got the wheels. It's splashing in my face. Are there any, like, mall-goers passing by?

There do appear to be some. It's a little quieter here towards the exit. Most of the customers and consumers here in the mall are still mostly themselves, especially on the second floor. The ones who do seem to be passing you by are the ones who've fully transformed into this primordial infernal ooze. They're...

And they have shopping bags on one side, a baseball cap slooping off, their faces are molten almost, and they're basically moving like a slug or some sort of a gelatinous ooze until they make their way through the revolving doors. But those that do pass through do not return. After they're ague. That's right. Do any look more well-off than the others? Oh, you both should have taken two points of corruption.

I'm licking. You're at three points of corruption. I'm at like four or eight. I know that you have three and you're looking rough. You are looking like a dead body that's been found in the river at this point. No one's seen me. No, no, you're... I'm off to have the most successful solo career that anyone's ever seen. I'm so talented. We'll check in with that momentarily. Why do you ask?

I just want to know if there are like different social classes or strata, like are there like higher end stores and more budget stores? And like are there people that would have more money on them versus less?

You would definitely expect that some of these stores would attract a clientele with more cash to spend. A good example of that would be perhaps the J.C. Copper store, as opposed to the Abyss. You might consider going to a Natural Wonders. The Build an Owlbear demands a pretty high fee. These kinds of things. Perhaps Vivian's Secret.

Possibly the low man's. We need to find a way to make money. There is no other way out. I mean, there should be piles of silver over by the fountain if all those people paid for their...their merchandise. So, here's what we do. I will develop an aerobics and calisthenics course.

38,000 parts all on VHS and you will advertise it and we can have Sausage here um pathetically fail at everything he does when he tries to work out and he needs assistance that's how it goes when I try and work out I say uh

I keep doing these squats but I'm as flat as a cutting board in my behind.

The more I think about it, the more I think that spending time here in this hell is changing me. I just keep thinking all of the things we'd be able to do if we still had that gun. We could find the gun. And we could just steal all the money. We're already in hell. We could go to that bank place and steal all the money. We could go to a bank place.

Wait, there's a bank, please. Yeah, yeah, it's called... Oh, the bank! Jose Bank! The Jose Bank! They're just getting up, fucking going to Jose. But they have all the money! They do have all the money. Doesn't that guard keep saying we're trying to leave too early? I know I've been dead every time he said it. I mean, why don't we just ask him? I need a weapon. I'm going to a natural wonder to get a rain stick. As you say this, Cabagool...

Where do you find yourself? I am yelling at the repo man who's taking my sports car. Uh-huh. Oh, come on, man. I was just going to pay, and I just got a sweet gig at a casino in Atlantic City, and I'm going to be able to pay in a month. Jesus. It's going to be okay. It's going to be great. Believe, man. Be cool. Can't you just be cool? Just give me another month. Come on.

Come on man, I got four shows, five shows a week at the Golden Nugget, I swear, I swear. In reality, you're yelling at one of the mall employees who's standing next to a rotating Toyota Tercel. Dude, I just work here, alright? Like, I don't even know what your deal is. That's what they all say. You know who I am. No, I keep saying that over and over for the last five minutes. I'm almost done with my cigarettes.

I am the fat one. Okay. From that boy band, remember me? Do you remember that hit song, though? What? No. You don't remember? I mean, remember me? Remember I was on the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Award years ago? Do I look like I listen to boy bands? You've got some blood here. I used to be relevant.

And I was gonna have a great start on Korean, and then I discovered the beauty of video poker. Do you like washed up boy bands? Now that's what I call music 666. Get it now. Dude, you look like you need this more than I do. And he pulls out Lifesaver's hold.

Not the Lifesavers, the holes that were discontinued in the 90s. Dude, you need these. You'll be all right if you take them. Thanks. I really appreciate that, kid. And here, I should reward you. I should reward you. Come here, come here. Let me give you a hug. And I'm going to shake it. Roll the hit. No one gives me Lifesavers holes and gets away with it. Roll the hit.

That's cocked. That's cocked. Okay, I'm not using that. Okay, that's a 21. 21 to hit? Does that hit? Yeah, that hits. Okay. I forget how to play D&D. How much damage does a rapier... One of my meat hook...

1d8, I think. Uh, 7. 7 points of damage. He, uh, you kill him. And he holds the wound, he looks up to you, "Oh, dude, I'm outie." I'll lean in, I'll lean in as he's dying, as I'm watching the lines, and I'll think, "What the...?" "Cool, cool."

You kill him and... I'll shut his eyes! Looking around... I need to find my agent. Make a perception check. Perception? Yeah. 14. 14. There don't seem to be very many hiding places, and you know that the Sergeant Pittman is a bit of a stickler when it comes to bodies. I'm gonna sit on his corpse.

I'm gonna pop a life saver's hole and start crunching on it. You start to pop it in and as you savor the fruit quality of the sugary snack in your mouth, you realize that you're not actually a boy band star.

You quit nothing. It was all a fantasy because of the strange magic of this place. And as that happens, you see your companions, you see everyone walking back in the opposite direction towards Unnatural Wonders, sitting on a body. I'm sitting on this employee that I just murdered and said, was up to. You are sitting on an employee that you just murdered and said, was up to.

And that's where you are confronted by your four allies. I don't even confront them. I just go straight to unnatural wonders. Then you just walk past Gabagool. You take in the information visually that that's what's happened to your brother. I'm very determined. Okay. You continue on your way, and you pass by the Vivian's Secrets. You pass by Bitey Toys.

Which, from what you can tell, is a huge number of magic items, but the floor is covered in balls with squirrel tails that's just sort of flipping around like this. You...

And finally, you make your way towards Unnatural Wonders. You recognize it by the sign that says so much, but also by its stone entranceway. There's a water feature, and there's a cloying incense smell drifting out. I walk up to the wall that has the rain sticks and didgeridoos, and I take one of each. What are you going to do with those? Hey, I like the sounds they make. See, it sounds like they're right.

It's calming, but for what purpose? We gotta get out of here! To calm the killer instead. Oh! We all have it in us. And it is awakening in me the longer I'm in this room. I'll have these. And also this new age CD that has a pretty cool cover. You do look over and you see that there's a display next to what appears to be a random box of just like discount rocks.

You pull a CD off of a beautiful wooden display, thin shelves of pure moods, nature sounds. Oh, yeah. That's what I bought. You just grab one, not even looking at the case, and you walk up to the cashier with your rain stick, your CD, and what was the third item? A didgeridoo. A didgeridoo. A didgeridoo.

A decrepit old woman hunched behind the cashier counter. Oh, I see you are interested in the products.

Yes, I will take these, please. This will be two gold pieces for the rain stick. What? And one gold piece for the didgeridoo. No, poor ghost. These places are crazy. And ten silver pieces, copper pieces for the compact disc. I do not have any money, but I like them and I will take them.

You cannot take my wares without... I beat her to death with the razor. And I loot the tail and her body. Borkos! No!

Look! This place is changing us! I was confused when you said you were coming here to get weapons, and then he said you were buying these things for the calm particular instinct. But then I watched you bludgeon this lady to death with them. As you reach up, I'm going to slow down time and pause. You're going to have to roll to hit, but what have the three of you been doing? I just... Okay, so you're just right behind Porcus. I think I would have...

taken the corpse of the employee and I would have heaved him up onto the little waist-high platform where there's a bunch of mulch and dirt and I would have tucked him behind the fern. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would have tucked him into the ferns. Make a general dexterity check to see how well you did. Natural 20. Wow. That would be 20...

Five the fern leaves here are big or no 20, you know, there's really those really long ones with the big indents on them You feel very confident that no one is gonna find this body for some time before you rejoin your companion Pegaroni I would have gone to the fountains to see if I'd collected enough money to buy my freedom make an investigation check Wow a 10 million gold piece going

Do we know how much money it cost to buy a friend? No. That was just your guess. We haven't asked anyone. You know that there's a number. You said it was a million. Well, you haven't asked anyone. Seven. You could have asked me if you'd asked somebody. Seven. Roll a... I need to find the fountain portion here. One moment. Um...

Roll a 1d4, a 1d8. Oh, well, I'm specifically just checking the money I asked people to leave here for their...

- There doesn't seem to be any stacks of money on the fountain. - Then that's what I was looking for. - Oh, okay. - So if that weren't there. - Then you don't go into the water for coin. Okay, then you don't roll for anything. - Take a Geordia. - I would say you were just catching up with Gabagool at the entrance of the-- - Well, if I didn't find anything there, I'm just gonna walk out of the mall and try and leave again. - Oh, okay. Let's say that you head towards the other exit, which is on the wing that Unnatural Wonders is on.

You will reach that destination as soon as we resolve the Frozen in Time attack against the Unnatural Wonders cashier. I rolled a 20 and a 12. Jeez. The 20 hits. Ten points of damage. Ten points of damage. You strike me in my place of business?

Missiles.

Like, why is he a magic person? Yes, darts of energy. Darts of energy fly out. Not like Lockheed Martin. Dealing five points of damage to you. And...

And she's like, "You'll stop or I will call the small cop!" Did this didgeridoo attack seem to affect her at all, or did she just shrug this off? She got hit and then looked back up at you. Goddammit, I can't help it.

Kalamari, help me! Yay! And then I, in one certain motion, I vault over the counter, and I go to make an attack, and I use a focus point to use one of my Fury of Blows to attempt to topple her.

I use my focus point! You heard me! You heard me! I'm playing 2024, bitch! Uh, I use- yeah, I use my Furia blows to try to topple her. So I- I will first try to topple her, which, uh, she will have to, um... I have to attack first off. Uh oh. That's only gonna be 13 to hit. Oh, that misses. I try it again. I try again. I try again. I don't think- I don't have the ability to...

Oh, that's even worse. All of my attacks miss. I jump over the counter. As I go to vault over the counter to try to knock her over, I get caught up in the giant windbreaker that my uncle gifted me. And I get tangled in it and I just kind of roll over the counter and fall. There are a bunch of hanging chimes on one side of the counter. They make a coffin.

You land and crash down onto the wooden floor of the Wonder Store. Ow! Stupid jacket! She turns to you for the attack, and I need you to make a... I got a 23 on my attack, if it matters. Oh, you hit. Go ahead and make a... I think that she'll continue to target you. 11 points of damage. And I'm going to try to topple her with my maul.

She needs to make a con save. What the fuck did you just say? Okay. I will roll that. She gets a 10.

DC was 15, so she is now knocked prone. Nice! Once she's prone, if I can get up and just start pummeling her, I attempt to do that. Just Flurry of Blows, beat the shit out of her. Porcos is finished! She hits the ground, and realizing the advantage that you have over her, she cackles and snaps her finger and vanishes. As I go to punch, she goes, "Oh no, she got away! Quick!"

Raid the till! We loot the till. What else exists? There does exist a till. There seems to be a strong box. You reach forward and you're going to need to break this open. I need you to make a strength check. Sausage. I'm raging. While our good friend Peg the Roni

Ascend to heaven or purgatory, or whatever this version of hell works. Whatever the next level is. 21. For a 21, you are able to break it open, and inside are hundreds of silver pieces and copper pieces. This isn't enough!

"This isn't enough!" "Let us take it!" "Okay!" I start filling the pockets of my windbreaker and I'm like, as I'm walking now, it's like sagging and Yeah, there's these huge pouches just washing back and forth. I'm making a lot of noise as I'm attempting to put as much silver in my pockets as possible. I rip the boombox off the wall that's playing these New Age songs, I pop it open, I rip open the jewel case of the CD, I place in calm emotions, I hit the lid down. Okay, roll a 1d8 for me. I walk

out onto the mall and look at all of the mall goers and I'll look at Kalamar and I'll say, "You know what we have to do." "What? What do we have to do? Tell me!" "Let's jazzercise." And I hit play on calm emotions. And I'm gonna go through the mall and just try to murder and rob everyone from all the gold that I can. We'll say that you grabbed the powerful CD and it really blasts. Five.

That was the CD that you grabbed. Oh, good. If you had taken the time at the Pure Moods display to put the headphones on and hit the little button to change which selection you would have made, you would have felt different emotions. But you grabbed the powerful CD because of the mood that you were in, and it just called to you. And you begin to make your way down the hallway. The two of you are watching this display. Calamari and Forcos have seemingly lost their minds. They are going to take this dead mall by force.

Pegaroni, you reach the revolving doors. Yeah, I'm thinking about everything that I was trying to sell and how it wasn't working. That guy said that we tried to leave too soon, and I'm just feeling like it's time for me to become a mall walker.

And so I just sadly walk through the doors. - You push your way in through the doors. It seems that only death brings corruption, so instead of emerging on the other side, increasingly more blobular, instead I just need you to roll a Wendy 20 for me. - 17. - I roll again. - Eight.

Every item you see when you emerge on the other side is a deal that you cannot pass up. As though you're a shopping network host. That's lovely. I'm going to slit my own throat.

Fortunately, you're right next to a knife sword. You can't pass that on. You stab yourself in the chest over and over and over until dead. Your body falls to the ground. And that same moment as you are making these motions, that you are hearing the sound of calm emotions

blasting through the hallways. The four of you in the very far distant hallway see the pegaroni fall at the edge of the revolving door. Well, sausage, I feel like that would kind of clean this all.

We have Panguroni. She's like, "I guess not if I need to pray to God." You look down at the area, I'm stabbing myself to death. Yeah, things around here really escalate quickly. That's deep. That's like, she got Catlin's foot. Oh, yeah. Jeez. Our brother and our nephew are committing heinous acts. I think there's only one thing left for us to do. I think we should find...

See if they have a Boober's location here or another such restaurant. And enjoy one last meal before the Overton window of this culture shifts to...

Turn these restaurants to tasteful and they no longer become part of our culture. What do you think, Dossage? You have a goal? I think you're still higher and perfect. So let's grab a seat and let's just watch it all unfold. Yeah, let's watch it unfold. With a view. With a view. There's a nice little outdoor area. You make the way over to Boober's. You wait for your seat patiently.

A very boobular waitress leads you to your seat and you sit down. She's actually just a walking pair of breasts. That's right, it's just legs. Legs and breasts.

Boobers! Uh, Porcos, you clearly have a plan. You are marching with your coin-laden brother down the hall. Any maulgoers that we see, we will be dead. And steal from. But as soon as they're dead,

We're going to, very like Splinter Cell or Thief style, pick their body up, and then stash all of their bodies, but very like sloppily, but because it's behind the counter of the unnatural wonders, and there's no clipping so they can all, we can limitlessly stack them, and the guards, as long as it's like, obscure just a little bit, the guards will not receive it.

Oh yeah. The moment that we have enough coins, silver coins that we've collected that no longer fit in the giant pockets of my windbreaker, I fill one of my socks with the coins and that's what I'm beating people to death with. Okay. A sock full of silver coins. You're whipping it over your head. Yeah, and I'm just...

And I would say that you get through perhaps five or six of the consumers here in the dead mall before you hear. They're robbing them too. Oh, yeah, yeah. And I would say that you could add a few dozen more silver coins and perhaps even some gold. Even some gold. A couple gold pieces. A few gold pieces. I mean, that's like walking around a mall with a...

with a hundred dollar bill. That's what I'm saying. It happens, right? It's not a lot, it depends on the customer, but that's when you hear the sound. Roll both of you a stealth check to see how well you're hiding the body. Easy, I'm good at this. Excuse me, I heard that's a medium well plus, this is more of a medium well.

Not bad. I got an 18 for stealth. 18 for stealth. 18 for stealth. I got a 10, I think. No, 11. You manage to find a window where you know that the sounds of the feet are coming. You're about to strike another customer when your hand is stopped by Calamari. He's the one who... Not just yet. We have to wait. Wait, we're gonna get caught. Oh.

Sergeant Pittman makes his way and then notices perhaps a coffee spill on the second floor and then jumps using his great wings to lift himself up to the second floor and then turn around down one of the other halls. As we're beating Maulgoers to death, I would like to keep my eyes out for Meh. Okay. Make a perception check. Meh. Meh.

You can take that guy, Gunther. I know you could. Nine. Nine for perception. Nine. You don't see her in your immediate... I'm just going to keep my eye out for us. We're beating ball goers today. I didn't tell you it started. Any gentleman knows that you're in the fight, you say, go. Yeah, exactly right.

You are making your way, at a certain point, customers are catching wise to your acts of terror, and you are, they're starting to flee. Oh my, you have to chase them down

Pretty soon, I would say you make another 150 coins and another body is disappearing. People are hiding in their storefronts trying to escape. But there's very little that they can do to escape you. They have no weapons on them. They came here to shop. And you have to make your way up the escalator towards the... Wow, I'm having weird deja vu right now. That's very bizarre.

You make your way up the escalator to the second floor in order to chase down two particularly fast consumers when you hear a voice from one of the storefront entrances. You both look like you're ready to fight.

and you turn and you realize that the entrance to Warzone, the laser tag arena, you see a cat person with hands backwards staring at you. A belt on both sides carrying two blasters, just like those time crisis blasters that you're looking at.

You don't have to do that and kill all of the mall customers in order to get out of here. What are you doing? Stop this violence immediately. We're trying to get as much money as we can to buy our freedom. Yes, that's... Do you have any idea how much money you'd have to... You'd have to kill everyone in this mall. We're working on it. Oh, no, no. You'll be killed by Sergeant Pittman before you know it, and you won't be able to resurrect if you're all dead. What? What do you mean?

Well, at a certain point you'll just turn into the identityless blobs. You want to keep yourselves to yourselves. There's only a few ways out of here. Okay, well tell us. Why are you deciding to help us now?

This is the first time you've come to the war zone. I don't know what to tell you. Who are you? Get us out of here! Tell us! Tell us! Well, you can convince the various managers of these stores by doing them various favors. They're all dead! You can earn enough cash through clever means in order to get out of here, or you can compete in my combat arena.

That's it? We just have to... Against who? Yeah! Against the finest bunch of competitors that we have, of course. Change plans! Okay, it's not too late. No, it's not too late. How many people do we need to enter? You'll need five to enter. Yes! That works! Alright!

"Let's go find the rest!" Okay! And we run back down to find Boobers, and potentially, uh, get two of my uncles. You know Boobers all go fucking down. And we have to go find-- Spa Peggy and Meatballs. --Pegaroni's corpse. Deadly there. See if she's been resurrected yet. I go to Boobers, he goes to find Pegaroni. Calamari races up to the two of you just as you're being served your third plate of extra spicy wings. Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys! I know how to get out of here! You gotta come with me, though! What?

We need to get out of here! We just gotta win a round of combat! In Warzone! We were waiting on a round of Dessert Shootin'! There's no time!

I explained to them everything. Whoa, we get a gun? Okay. We just need five people to compete in Warzone with laser guns. Thank you, boobas. It's gonna be easy. I rush in with the corpse of, uh, what's her name? Spawpecky and the Bulls.

She killed herself. Give her a chicken wing. Are these fried areolas? The waitress shows up. You're dessert shooters. Oh, perfect time then. I thought we were going to have to miss out. Don't forget to tip. What is this place?

I just found it was a nice, charming, yet outdated, real product to have this man. Warzone is out. I'm staying here forever. No, we have to do this. No, no, no. This place is awesome. This place is awesome. It is really awesome. And now I know

here for 10,000 years. Well, I didn't know this was here. If I knew this was here, I would have got a job here, not at the pretzel place. You would not be able to work here. You do not have boobers. No, but I've been watching the fucking dishes. I've been working the fucking day. Me too. Me too. I'll watch dishes. I'll watch dishes forever. No, we want the freedom. Is she resurrected yet? No, this is freedom. Look at her. Look at her. Wait, wait, Pegaroni, what threat shooter do you want? She's

Well, we'll just try all three. Hopefully, like, the key lime. I'm listening to them mix really well. Strawberry shortcake. Coughing, you come back to life. And I immediately rush towards the escalator and throw myself into them until I'm crushed into a mass of...

You just feed your hair into the escalator? You jump into the escalator and, uh, yeah, you feed your hair into it and very quickly it just, it does not stop. It does not even grind to a halt. It just playdodes you. It's like, "Wait a minute, dude." You just go and then...

30 seconds later, the top stair comes down red. Oh, there's no hope. We can do a four-man team. Maybe he'll join us. No, without a fifth person, I think we should just stay at Boober's forever. I mean, look at her! The things I've done with these heads. I knew he could fix them. Where do we feed it? Use of the tooth? Uh, we can pick it on him.

Chew it up! Chew it up! You pour the shooter on the tooth and a network of veins and nerves suddenly rock in Manhattan in a nightmare configuration. Dr. Manhattan!

You're getting yourself back together. The eyes reemerge. Her flesh, it's like the first two minutes of Ghost in the Shell when the major is being made out of nothingness. And suddenly you, coughing despite the pain, you come back to life. You have four levels of...

Corruption at this point. Pegaroni, we have to play laser tag. I don't want to play laser tag. There's no way to get out of laser tag. I don't want to play laser tag. You can be free and alive and free from hell. We have to play laser tag. This is our one chance. Why?

Because we get out of here. How do you know that? Because of the really trustworthy laser tag on his head. Yes, he was very trustworthy. His hands were on backwards. So if I told you that you had to lick each other's buttholes to get out of here, you'd just do it? That's how we ended it. I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. My name's Calamari. Do you work here every shift? Are you here every day? I...

Calamari is my name. I didn't catch your name. What's your name? My name is Cassie. Oh, Cassie, that's a beautiful name. How long have you worked here for? Are you single?

Are you going to leave with large tip? Your brothers ate so much. Well, to be fair, I have a lot of money. I have a lot of money. I see that that is the case. Kathy, I love you. I saw her first! I saw her first, you old fuck! I swear to God, I swear to Sophaleth! I swear to Sophaleth, I'll beat you to death with a sock full of silver!

Stay away from Cassidy! You don't know what you're doing, kid. You don't know what you're doing. I'm going to beat Uncle Calamar to death with a sock full of silver and I catch Peggy White Man. Yeah.

And my skull just came in. Her head just completely flips around. She's looking at her spine. She's mine! She's mine! I'll go get your check. Cassie turns and exits into the bag. That's it for Pegaroni. Pegaroni, you don't resurrect in the traditional sense. At five levels of corruption... But you're only one away.

At five levels of corruption, you all watch as the Cinnabon hat transforms onto a body, and you're no longer here. You're not here, but see this. Oh my god! What's wrong with your face? No!

You now have the statistics of a lemur. Oh, lovely. Oh, I love the boomer. Her lemur. Oh, God. She's eating him. I know. And then she's going to eat me. Oh, my God. It was an accident. I meant to kill Gobble Cool. Well...

Okay, Pegaroni, I hope you can hold your gun with your fletchy and badminton fist. No, if she can hold the butter knife, she can hold the gun. Perfect. Absolutely perfect. Pegaroni, she's a regular. I know it's only a butter knife, but look at that trigger discipline. It's beautiful. It's very funny.

Okay, I'll leave a good tip. Okay, I'm gonna put my Rocky-Taki runes in here. I love you forever. I want to take you away from this plane. Yeah, we should love them.

Okay. I mean, I'm not gonna tell Kim Chi. Nah, I hope she laughs. That's one of my faves. You pay your bill, you leave an enormous silver tip, and you make your way up the escalators to Warzone, and walking inside... I can't believe you left the table. I love that. I love that. I love that.

This is nightmarish. Please tell me the code of Perkins. For the children.

Surely enough, you all find yourselves in the preparation room, the ready room of the war zone. We gotta lock in here, guys! There are tons of vests hanging with corded rifles that are connected to them. The gentleman who introduced himself as Biff is standing there.

Now it's gonna be dark. There are going to be flashing lights. So if anyone has a problem with that... No, no, it's fine. It's fine. Alright. Pegaron, end of the flashing light now. I mean, she did. I mean, she did.

Those are noises of approval. Get the game started, please. I just saw my silver. There is one more thing. Make sure that you keep your vest secured at all times. You will use the rifle to fire at your component. When you see the light, then you'll know that they've been hit. If yours starts flashing, then you'll know that you've been hit and you'll be out of the game. It's traditional laser tag rules. How do we...

How do we reload? You'll just push this red button on the side. Also, if you hit this side, it's the grenade. Though you will swear that it does not work. I promise you. Never works. The grenade never works. So just use the normal firing as instructed. I will say that before we begin, there is some bad news. What?

The other team that was five is a birthday party. One of them got a little sick. And so there's only four on the other side. You'll need to have one of your companions join that other team in order for that to be balanced. No, that doesn't work. It's 5v4. If we give up one of our teammates, then it's still just 5v4. I'm just judging by the...

The age of your group versus the other group. My hand starts to slowly go towards my sock full of silver. His hand slowly goes down, too. No, no. When it's very clearly the time crisis pistol on his side. I eye him up and I give him a little... Well... Is melee combat encouraged? No, no, no. You only use the rifles when you're in the arena. This is not a place of, uh...

such ugly violence. So just laser guns, not laser bayonets. Only a more sophisticated weapon can be used.

I think we're gonna have to draw a trough between the three pork bros. Or we just send Pegarodium, yeah. See, too valuable. I think if we send Pegarodium, she can't even keep her vest on. No, you see the way she's holding that butter knife? She's lethal! I don't want her on the other team! No, this is our one chance! You're holding the rifle now. You've got the vest on.

We are family! She's just some girl from the mall! We can do this! You're going to have so much fun, Spa Peggy. I activate the grenade. Uh, you push the grenade? Yeah. Okay, I need everyone to make a dexterity save. I don't think I have evasion yet. Oh my god. Do I have, uh... Okay, I got a 21. 21 for dex saving throw. Okay. When do I get primal leap or whatever? I mean, we're only level 3. Yeah.

I got a 20! No, 21! That's insane still, that's good. I got 13. 19. You all take the DC with 17. Anyone who got less than that takes the full 23 fire damage. How much? 23? Over half if you succeeded. Oh my god! And as all of a sudden, from the end of this very real laser rifle, a blast explodes. Oh my gosh!

Biff jumps out of the way, but all of you are-- - Biff? His name is Biff. - Yeah, his name is Biff. All of you jump out of the way as this actual literal explosion happens. My apologies. Are you all right?

You have to be careful with these things. These aren't... These aren't... Why don't you heal up? No, I'm not gonna run up and fucking explode in this. The nylon windbreaker has melted to my face. It's gonna be alright. It's gonna be alright. I don't have any healing damage.

We don't have any medical attention. These are laser rifles? Yes, yes. What do you think you're about to do? You're going into a laser tag arena. The five of us have laser rifles! I'm just like swinging mine around wildly. We need some brimstones pushpops. There's a vending machine just outside. It's only two copper pieces.

I'll go get them. I'll go get the brimstones. I go, I get them. I'm back. Okay. Do we heal up? Everybody gets one. You are tempted by the kudos milk chocolate granola bars. I don't care what else is in there. I get the brimstones. You don't want the pizza flavor to bring you up. You don't want the sunny delight. You sure you don't want the Flintstones? Oh, there they are. The chewables. Okay, you get the chewables and you come back. We long rest. Yay.

My flesh is horrifically scarred from the... from the... from the melted plastic of the windbreaker. You skip the Zima. You skip the high-seat ecto-cooler. You skip the Philadelphia cheesecake snack bar. You skip the pink amoxicillin. You skip the Sobe green tea. Oh, Sobe! No! No!

You skip the Dungaroos, the Capri Sun, the Pop-Tarts, the Lunchables, and the Push Pop in order to get the Chewables. You all take a long rest. Alright, are you ready gentlemen? Yeah. Let's do it. You're gonna have to follow me to the other room. I believe that you're the one who's going to the other team.

We just kind of like push you towards the direction. We just kind of like give her a little shove in your direction. You wait in silence for but a moment before you hear the countdown. Doom!

The doors swing open and you're hit by a thick fog as it pours in. You can see flashing lights in all directions. The walls are graffitied with neon greens and pinks and blues and you race inwards. - Stay low. - Okay, what are our code names? We all need code names.

I can hear her! She's lurking somewhere inside! You do hear the gurgle. It's a piece of darkness! Beguroni, she's in there! You can flank her! Take her out! You don't see anyone in your immediate vicinity, but I do need everyone to roll initiative. Oh yeah! We don't know how smart this party of 12-years-olds are. They might be using her as a distraction to lure us in. I just rolled in crazy high! I got a 22 for initiative! I have a 19.

Do you have the lemurs to have long neck? Oh no I don't, I'll pull it up. 22. I need to fix my stamp. Jesus. Uh, which one are you going first? Oh, you're gonna go first? I'll last, I think. Calamari. I got 13. Oh, oh, oh, sorry. Oh, Calamari? Um, I'll let Calamari go first. Looks awful.

That's where you are now. Yeah. Oh, the Lemur art in the fucking 2024-- Calm down. The 2024 monster. I agree. It's much better. It's so great. Don't poke your pants. I can finally get an idea of how horrifying they are. Yes. In the 2014 art, it's just like-- No, it could be like a weird blob, right? You didn't accidentally mispronounce Lemur? It's Lemur. I think it's Lemur. It's L-E-M-U-R-E. I just like, Lemur's funny.

Oh, right. I was picturing, but you meant like a... You got a 16, you said? Throw like a blob. Oh, that is awful. That's atrocious. It's on a Nikki? Yeah. Oh, I got a 10. 10. Thank you. That's going to go here. That's going to be... Who's going first between Gabigool and Calamari? I got a 22. 22, so you can go first. All right. And then this, and then this, and...

Then we're playing Dungeons & Dragons here. Well done. Let's do it. Are these laser rifles? What are they? These are anti-matter rifles. So we're still doing 3D6? No, anti-matter rifles, which I vaguely recall you took the great weapon mastery of, Gabagool.

Me? 6d8. No way. Wait, what weapon? All of the laser tag rifles are anti-matter rifles, mechanically. And I believe you took a great weapon mastery for it. It's 6d8 necrotic. Holy shit. I'm going to absolutely waste these idiots. Okay, everybody. We have our codenames. We have McDreamy, McSteamy, Squishy...

Pooh Bear and Mr. Big. Wait, I missed which one I am. You're McDreamy. You're McThemey. Why am I McThemey? Pooh Bear, Mr. Big, and Squishy. Oh, Pooh Bear is pretty and puppy. So Steamy Pooh Bear. McSteamy. You can't have the other McThemey. I am sorry. Yeah, I won.

Should I pull up an antimatter rifle? That's what I did. Oh yeah, let me pull that up. I'll equip myself. Oh, I didn't think about that. I was just gonna wing it, but I guess we should see what... I'm adding it to my equipment and I'm equipping it. Holy shit. 68! Jeez, I get plus 4? Can I have the 9 live stealer antimatter rifle? No, it's just a base antimatter rifle. You should have gone to Bitey Toys. Bitey Toys.

Bitey Toys was very simple. You run through the squirrels. You could grab whatever magic item from Table H that you wanted and then try to escape the biting squirrels. That's very funny. Am I first? You are first. I'm fast. I dash it. You dart in. You're confronted with immediately a lot of information. There's a... Uh, uh, uh, uh.

Ramp down. There's a ramp straight forward and then there's a ramp that goes up to a second floor where there's a big orb that's flashing. I immediately go up to try to get the high ground to see above the fog and see if I can rain hell down on these little shits. You jump up there and looking through the fog, make a perception check. 13. 13, not quite enough. The fog is very thick. I'm exposed! You do not see anyone so you can choose to perhaps get down or perhaps use the rest of your movement to go deeper.

I use the rest of my movement to go deeper. You continue to search. There's a long grade on the back side of this that clearly wraps around the exterior of this large arena, and you make your way about halfway down that before you reach the end of your movement on your turn. Is there anything else you want to do? I hold my action to fire upon the first enemy that I see. You're holding.

Gabagool. Okay, I'm going to use my cutting action to disappear into the shadows with my gun. As I'm going to go stealth mode. You go stealth mode. And I'm going to hide. I guess I need to probably roll a stealth check. Stealth. Stealth. That is a 17.

17, thank you. I'll make note of that. And I am going to seek out someone while I'm hidden. You slowly make your way down and to the right. I'm trying to keep to the shadows where the fog is closest to the ground, thickest. And I need you to make a perception check. Come on.

16. 16. You are backed up into a corner, and just as you see one start to cross the threshold into the center area where there are a large number of pylon-like columns. I see somebody. You do?

Surprise attack? Unseen attacker? Unseen attacker. Unseen attacker, so I'm advantage. Sneak attack. Come on. Oh yeah, 19. That hits? 19 plus whatever. So that's 68 plus 2d6 for my sneak attack damage. Nice.

You realize that only the sneak attack damage need be rolled. Fun as it is to roll that many D8s, these laser rifles have been overcharged. They always do maximum damage. Holy fuck. So six sneak attack damage plus my three is plus nine. On top of whatever? Six times eight. 48. 48.

We all know how to do math. 64? 48, yeah. Right? Three times... Eight times six? This is 48. So 48 plus nine. 48 plus nine. You immediately disintegrate this creature, but you realize just as you fire, this is not another consumer. This is not another party or anything along these lines. This is a...

barbed devil, covered in spines. It's still wearing the same vest like you are. It has the same rifle that you have. It just doesn't see you. And when you hit it, all that's left is this carapace of a skeleton that falls to the ground in dust and poofs out in all directions. The lights on the vest blinking wildly. Should've had your birthday party somewhere else, little kid. Horkos, you're up.

Oh, me! I am going to... I'm gonna do that annoying thing that the shitty kid always did where he literally sprints to the other side of the team and immediately tries to get behind somebody in melee ranges almost. You go straight through. And you would have actually passed the person that Gabagool would eventually hit. But in this moment, you are able to dart forward and you suddenly are confronted by a group of them. There are three right in front of you. Oh, shit.

Uh, I'm going to... shoot one of them, I suppose. Use the grenade! Use the grenade! Oh, the grenade! Oh my god. You can try the grenade, but it will be an action to try the grenade versus shooting. You've also been warned that it never works. Except when Spopeggy and Meatballs incinerated us. Uh... I'm gonna just shoot. I'm gonna shoot one of them. Okay. Selene, 48 damage plus whatever is the...

Would I have proficiency in firearms as a barbarian? Probably not. Probably not. I don't believe so. That's 12 to hit. You were fighting with the door yesterday. That's a 12 to hit? That does not hit. It goes wild, and all three fiendish faces turn to you, their eyes burning. And I try to run away as far as I can. You start to turn, but that's the end of your turn. Sausage, you're up.

Uh, I also run deeper. I look for the high ground. Get it, Boo-Bam! Yeah, Boo-Bam takes the high ground. You run up to the top of the same ramp. Following, um, he's disappeared at this point, Calamari, racing down very, very fast. But you make it up there. I need you to make a perception check. Hopefully you better than I did. You spot somebody. I got a secret weapon.

Oh yeah, crushed him. That's a 15. 15 is just enough. You look down, you look straight down over the area and you see a slow-moving slug-like creature. You realize that you're staring down at Hegeroni. I want to see somebody else. I want to see the one that was... Take the shot! 10,000 years. Never been like this. Fuck.

Her AC is 7. 14. 14.

You always eat the best Cinnabons first. Pegaroni dies, taking whatever secrets she had with her, and not even a tooth remains to pour a boober shooter onto. I would do anything for a boober shooter right now. Wouldn't we all? I would sell my left neck for a boober shooter. For a boober shooter.

Figuroni takes the full 48 plus damage, instantly evaporates. The only thing that's left aside from dust particles is a vest that's flashing red and a laser rifle. It's like Cell. It's like Cell in the Cell Saga. There is one thing left. As the body turns to dust, you see floating down the wind a strip of four photos. Aww. Now I feel a little better.

Wait, Boo-Bam's not the Boob Dabber. Boo-Bam's the Boob Dabber. I thought he was like a hardened criminal or something. I never thought this way before. Why are you making me feel that way?

That's the first one

That one doesn't hit either. Oh god. You're toast if you get hit, bro. Natural 20. Nooooo! Uh, you take the full... It's over 100 damage. It's 96. No, no, 96. 96 damage? Plus whatever they have. Uh, 96. That's radiant, right? Oh, they're not... Oh, it's no, it's necrotic. Provision. That's crazy talk. I'm gonna add...

I'm gonna add four just to get to exactly 100. It feels good. Mine's plus four. Hold on, hold on, hold on. I think I have some temp HP. I need two days to get to 100 HP. Hold on. Okay, let's see if he can reduce it by... This can make the difference. He can reduce it by 86. There's no way. We'll be fine. He's gotta reduce it by 86. Oh, four star gold. 86.

You only need to eat two more. Four is not quite 86. Four isn't quite 86. You take the full radiant damage. The overcharge overcharges, and what hits you, not in the vest, but right in the neck, fills and suffuses your being. What is your last thought before you are disintegrated into oblivion?

I made the most mistake. I should have defeated the death of all those people. You disappear into nothingness. The vest falls to the ground. You're dead, you're dead, you're dead. Calamari, you're up. You are racing around the ramp and you see this massive flash. You hear, ah!

And you race forward, and you can see that there are three of these barbed devils at the end. You suddenly realize what Gabagool is. You are fighting real devils in this laser tag arena. You didn't get one of them? No, I didn't. Oh, fuck. Am I still up or am I on the same level as them? I'd say that you're against the wall. You're coming down. This would be the actual foundation floor, so you would need to come down a little bit farther to be on their same level, but you're not as high up as...

Sausages right now. If I can reach them from where I'm at, I probably wouldn't move. I would try to get, like, some cover and just fire on them. Okay. Uh, I would say from your vantage point, you could, um, uh, pause where you are, uh, get a little over to the side and lean over. Yeah. And take a shot at them. Okay. I definitely do that. I do exactly that. Plus four to hit.

16? 16 hits. Okay, that's plus 4 of the 52 points of necrotic damage. 52 points of necrotic damage. They are still almost sinisteringly hinting with laughter at the sight of Porcos' destruction, and one of them gets hit by the back. It barely has time to put its arms up before it disappears in a flash of light and a vest hits the ground.

The one gun man is king! And I pass my turn. Gabagool. How many's my mother's actually hide? Okay, these motherfuckers, I'm glad my brothers are all alive. My kid brother Porko's 48 years old. 48 years old, he's just a kid. Stealth, that is a 20.

And I'm gonna sneak around these motherfuckers. I don't know. Make a perception check to see if you can reach them in time. Or rather, take the right path, is how I would think of it. I got a ten. A ten. You...

take the wrong path, but you still have eyes on just the head of one. It's a smaller target, so you'll have to shoot at disadvantage, but you are going to be able to take a shot. So I'm unseen, so that would balance it out. Yes, straight. Well, I don't got fleek attack, but I don't know where I'm going, I don't need fleek. Hold on. Uh-oh.

13. Oh no. You let loose this massive energy blast, flies wide, hitting one of the walls. It explodes with a singe, and you can see even in the fog, the sparks fly out Starship Trooper style, but you do not destroy one of these creatures. Uh-oh.

Sausage, you're up. I'll run up to... I'll continue on my ranch. From where you are, you can follow in the path of Calamari and get behind him, or you can jump over and into the center of the arena. You just saw and witnessed everything that happened to Porkos.

Forgo! 10,000 years in hell! And this is my worst day! D'oh!

I leap to the center. Down a drain. You motherfucking devils! Die, you cocksuckers! You jump down. You are basically right next to where Horcruz was standing when you land, and you have clear sight of both of them. Picking one as a quick target, roll a hip.

We killed two of them? And Becky? 18! 18 hits. Blam! You hear that high-pitched ween of the laser emitting from its barrel, and it smashes into the creature. It disappears. Only the vest survives. When you get to the abyss, tell them the port bro said fuck your mother. Eye action surge. Oh, you did? This could be it.

Eye action surge. I didn't say I was fucking dead! I heard no fucking bell. You fire again. Use the pork sausage! Use the pork!

I'm exorcist again. Okay, I'm going to roll one. Can my ghostly afterlife encouragement give me advantage? Can you give me advantage on laser beam strikes? I would say that we haven't used any twists all night and you can use that as your ghostly encouragement. The smell of bacon hits your nostrils. Oh, wait, that's my brother cooking. No, no, that's my brother's. The smell of my brother fucking cooking. Do it for sheepos.

That's enough. That's 17. Oh, yeah, it's a plus one. Blam! Blam! You both see these creatures disappear. You hear the scream of agony. "Porcos!" from the mouth of your brother's sausage, and you race forward to join your brother just as the last two of the other team fall. Looking around, you know that the...

The rest of the team has been destroyed, Pegaroni included. And you are left there in silence for but a moment before the lights come on. Blinking. It's a very different place without the strobes and all of the lights. And you hear... Dumbbell kill.

Pork team wins! It kills the L! Pork team wins! Well done! Congratulations! From the top of the second floor, looking down at the center pit where you all find yourself standing, you seem to have lost your ally, but the three of you survived and I will deliver my promise. What do you promise? I promise freedom from the 90s L. What happens to our friends?

They've been destroyed in 90's hell. They are beyond death. Oblivion. Give me some push pop! No. Do you grant wishes? Yeah, you're a tiger man. No. You win the thing like this, you get a wish. But I do have the power to shift planes. I can send you wherever you like. You can stay here if you wish. But as winners of my laser tag arena competition, the choice is yours.

I guess before I make any decisions, I have one question to ask you. Yes, what is it? Is there a plane full of boobers? I was gonna say Big Ditty Amazon. Yeah, boobers is good too. I don't see when I can rustle up. And he snaps his backwards fingers. And suddenly you awaken wherever the most boobular place in Avengers might be.

Which perhaps we'll find out on another Tales of Shrekar. A side story. An icebreaker. Whatever the fuck this happened to be. Sitting on a satin pillow is literally Mikey. What are you guys doing here? And that's where we'll call it the night session.

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