Ask Uncut - I Saw My Husband On a Gay Dating App, Shoes Inside Debate and Maternity Leave
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This episode was recorded on Camaragal land. Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. I'm Brittany. And this is Ask Uncut, where we answer your deep, your dark, and all of your burning questions. Look guys, I did something on the weekend that I couldn't wait to tell you about, and I've deliberately kept it for the podcast because I went to a hen's party and we had a really nice, lovely lunch. And we went back to one of the girls' houses for what I thought was going to be like the games

segment and I thought it was just going to be drinks at their house and then we would kind of mosey our way home around dinner time. It was at the house that I found out we were going to one of the Magic Men shows. Magic Mike? Magic Men? Magic Men, it's called here. Okay, didn't know. It's exactly a Magic Mike show, but it's called Magic Men. Is it in King's Cross? Yes. I think I've been to that one. It's so dingy and you just sit on plastic seats. Is it that one? Look, there were foldable chairs and I don't want to shit on anyone's parade because there were hundreds of

of women who were having like the best nights of their life. There were so many hen's parties. There were divorce parties. There were birthdays. There were also people who were just there because it was a Saturday, like great for you. But the concept of like a strip show was,

It's never been like my thing, right? I just don't, I'm not really one of those people. I mean, maybe it's because I'm half British. We're just like not ostentatious people, right? No, I don't think it's anyone's thing. I don't think anyone went there because they're like, I love to go to the strip. Like I can tell you that there were definitely people there who would not have that opinion. Really? But this thing happened on stage and I just wanted to get your take and it's kind of related to what I just spoke about wearing a bodysuit.

Because they were all different types of men. I feel like they really tried to kind of do the whole, like, if you're into someone who's South American, we've got that. If you're into the tatted up guy, we've got that. If you're into the clean cut gym going blonde guy, we've also got that. Like we're inclusive strippers. Totally. Different ages, different ethnicities. But the one thing that I just could not get past-

is that some of them stripped down to having, like we saw actual penises. I saw two or three and I saw at least four sets of balls. So we're talking like naked, proper strip. It

Except for. You didn't take a photo, did you? Yeah, you were allowed to take photos and videos of the whole thing. Yeah, I've not been. I mean, I was shitting on it, but I went like literally 15 years ago. So I don't have a good reference point for this. That's how long ago it was. So guys, no matter how naked the men on the stage got,

the two things that none of them took off were knee pads and shoes it was the knee pads that absolutely spun me out because they were dancing and stuff right so they're kind of like I get why they want knee pads on because they're sliding on the floor to be fair like there's been times I wish I had knee pads just alone at home I guess when you think through the logistics of stripping off your knee pads there's something particularly unsexy about that probably better to keep them on imagine

And taking the knee pad off. Yeah, ripping your pants off and then taking the knee pad off doesn't really like, it doesn't add to the allure. To me, I was just surprised that like the juice wasn't worth the squeeze of having to endure a little bit of knee pain for the times that you were on your knees.

to have your whole, like the stripping the pants off motion happened many times. It doesn't have the same effect when you're stripping to a knee pad. I don't know. I'm getting like a feeling that maybe Keish wanted to see more knees. Oh, speaking of strippers, I said to Ben the other day, I was like, oh, Ben, I've got some news that you're going to be happy about. And he's like, what? And I said, well, fake chatting Tatum is unfortunately busy. He is, unfortunate. I was like, he won't be coming to my hands and I thought you'd be happy about that. He's like, yeah, babe, I already know that.

And I was like, how did you know that? He's like, because I booked him out for the month. Poor guy's going to be shocked when he realizes he doesn't actually have any shows to perform at.

I've got some good news for you. If you'd like any of the, there were about 10 of the magic men that performed at the Sydney show. You can have them at your hen's party, but they will have knee pads on. Knee pads do not do it for me. I'm happy to go strip free. I would just like to point out how much we've been talking about strippers on the beginning of episodes recently. Yeah, but we're done now. Okay. This is the line. This is the line. I mean, fake Channing Tatum's gone. No one else is going to a strip club anytime soon, I think. I don't

I mean, it's my birthday. I might. If you want. I'm a supportive friend. If you want, I will go with you.

All right, let's get into vibes unsubscribes, guys. What's your vibe for the week, Britt? My vibe, there'll be loads of people that have read this, loads of people that haven't read this. It's a Colleen Hoover book, Verity. Now, I know Colleen Hoover is like the hot topic, but I hadn't read Verity and I'd read some of her other books. But the reason I want to recommend this one is because I did see that it is currently being made into a movie now and I love to read books before the movie comes out. And I think it's a good book.

Generally speaking, I think books are always better than film adaptations or TV series and things like that. So the film is being made actually with Anne Hathaway and Dakota Johnson in it. She knows she's from Fifty Shades of Grey. Also has Josh Hartnett in it. He has been making a resurgence lately. But basically the book's a thriller. It's a love story and a thriller. It has a really good twist in it and I really, really enjoyed it. It's the first book I've read in a while that I got really sucked in and didn't want to put it down. So it's Verity, Colleen Hoover. Hmm.

Amazing. Liz, what's your vibe for the week? Mine is very kid specific. So if you have little kids, it's something that you might want to look into. And if you don't, then just skip ahead because you won't care at all. It's called a Yoto. So it's a Yoto play up. We were given it for Christmas from my sister-in-law for the girls. We've got two of them. And it's taken me almost four months to set it up, which would come as no surprise to anyone. So...

It was only after like quite a bit of reminding from her that I was like, I will give it a go. And actually it's fantastic. So reminding from her, she's like, hey, you can have a use that present my boy. Because they're not super cheap. They range between $130 to $169. And what they are is they're little audio players. So if you want your kids to spend more time, like if you need them to be doing activities or you want time in the car or whatever, but you don't want your kids on a screen and you don't want your kids having access to a camera or a microphone, which is mostly on most tablets.

then a Yoto is like the perfect thing for them. It is specifically made for little kids so anywhere between ages sort of two to nine and you get individual cards that have different audio books or different music on it that they can then select because it's intuitive enough that the kids can choose and navigate through different audio books themselves. So like a book

Books, not songs. Books or songs. There's heaps of things. Like you can buy so many different kinds of cards and they can choose those cards and then kind of like figure out their own activities that they want to do on them. That's cool. Yeah. And I love it because firstly, we do really long car trips and it means that I don't have the kids in the back with iPads at all. Or like I don't have headphones on. Yeah. They have headphones on. Everything is appropriate for the

age of which the card is that you've bought so you know exactly what's on it. You don't have to worry and monitor it. And also things like the headphones themselves are specifically created for little kids ears so they only go up to the volumes that's appropriate for child hearing so that you're not doing damage to their hearing because these are all things that you can't monitor if you've got kids in the back seat on a tablet or an iPad or doing something like that. And you can't monitor if it goes on to some weird ad that's you know and they accidentally click on something else. Totally. To something that they shouldn't be watching. And they're really good stories like I think

the problem with a lot of these audio books is that the stories are naff and then the kids don't really enjoy it anyway. But there's like Disney ones that you can choose from. So like Disney actually creates Yodos. You can, you know, pick like Willy Wonka. You could pick Matilda. Like there's great stories that have all been created in these little mini audio books.

So it's called a Yoto. There's a mini one and a larger version of it. But what I, I mean, we have a mini one and a larger, that's what we kind of got for Christmas. And from what I can tell, the mini does everything that the larger does. The larger is just probably a little bit easier to navigate. Yeah. So yeah, that's my recommendation. My vibe

for this week is a beauty product. It is something that I had seen. It was kind of one of those ones that like a lot of influencers did advertising for and I got sucked into it, but I actually will admit it's a pretty great product. It's the Maybelline Superstay Teddy Tint Lipstick

And I have it in the shade Skinny Dip. It's quite matte and you can use it on your lips, your cheeks. It's one of those kind of like... Multi-use. Yeah, eyeshadow I guess you could use it for as well. It's a lip stain? Yeah, it's kind of in between. It's in between a stain and a really long stay lipstick.

So what I like about it is that it's really cheap. I got it from Chemist Warehouse for $16. I think the retail is $27. So you can get it from like a bunch of different places online, but it stays on for the entire day. I had it on when we went to the F1. I've had it on for a couple of days at work and I get home and I'm like, oh,

Still there. Who would have thought? It's a little bit drying, so like it's not perfect, but I think for any of your long wear products, they can be a little bit drying when they're on, particularly if I have it on my cheeks because I like a dewy kind of feel. But for $16, it's a really, really good product. So I have been using the Maybelline Superstay Teddy Tint Lipstick Foundation.

for a couple of weeks now. So that 10 times faster. Yeah, I back it. I think it's, you know, there's a lot of products that are of a similar type of thing, but most of them I've seen for about $65 to even upwards of $90. So I think the price for how well this one works is why it's my recommendation. Well, let's get into the questions.

Okay.

I think wearing bare feet then walking inside is worse. We are fine just agreeing to disagree at this point, but he also loves listening to Ask Uncut, so I hope that he hears whatever you say. Hello, dear listener. This is a really interesting one. Have you seen the Instagram reels going around, which is like, here is the bucket of water after washing a floor when people wear shoes in the house, and here is the color of it after

washing the floors of a house when someone wears shoes versus doesn't wear shoes. And it's like in the house where people wear shoes, the bucket of water is black. Like it is filthy. And in the opposite where people don't wear shoes in the house, it is like almost the same color as when it started, like a little bit milky maybe. Yeah, that's not shocking. But I think what the problem is here is he's saying don't wear your shoes outside and then inside, but he can wear his bare feet outside.

Yeah, that's a double standard, obviously. You've got to have outdoor shoes and indoor shoes. You've got to have your little slippers that you put on when you get inside if you've got filthy feet. I think walking around barefoot is disgusting. That's my personal opinion. I love it. You know why? Because think of how many people walk down the street and just golly on the street. People, wee on the street. Dogs, wee on the street. There are so many disgusting things on the ground that you are walking in. Like I personally don't want.

I care. I don't want to walk in spit, vomit and dog wee, do you? I was about to say I'm not licking the bottom of my feet, but I did just open my drink bottle two seconds ago. You guys asked me to, so I did it. Oh, get a slide off. I opened my drink bottle with my feet to prove that I can do a lot of stuff with my feet. I like to be grounded. I like to have my shoes off. I like to be on the pavement or on Mother Earth. I'm also like kind of like. You're a mother.

I'm like weirdly smug about the fact that I have like such strong feet that I could pretty much walk on anything that doesn't hurt. Whereas Matt's always like, oh, oh, oh. No, but see, I think it's fine when you, I mean, I grew up outside with bare feet. Having said that, I will explore. I will go to the beach. I will climb a tree. But now as an adult, if I just had to walk up to the shops from my house, I'm putting shoes on. But if I'm at the beach and I'm just walking around the pebbles, like that's fine. But I think like getting around, going into supermarkets with no shoes on, sorry, in my eyes,

Gross. I agree. I agree. I'm only in the wilderness with no shoes around the beach and stuff. Where are you in the wilderness? I mean, just joking. But I once dated a guy who he was very Bondi. He was very hipster and he had no qualms with just leaving the house without a plan with no shoes on. So we might have a plan, like we might be going to a cafe somewhere

who knows what we're going to do after that. Go to the beach. Maybe we might end up at the grocery store. He would happily leave the house for the whole day, no shoes without having any concept of time as to when he was going to be able to access those shoes again. And it gave me the biggest ick I've ever had. And it was when we walked into a cafe, like we decided we wanted to go and get like lunch or brunch or something. And he had no shoes on. And I was like, so what do we do? Do we just sit outside? Because you've

Because we're not allowed in. Because you've made the active decision to leave your home without a normal pair of shoes. Like it's, that's wild. Ben is the first person I have met that has a proper indoor pair of shoes. So they're at the door. They're his inside shoes. And I remember when I first came over to his house, he was like, babe, shoes. I was like, what? He's like, you got to take your shoes off. Put your indoor shoes on. I was like, I don't have indoor shoes. He's like, I'll get you a pair. He had backup indoor shoes. So he has...

socks and indoor shoes all the time. And then he has his outdoor shoes and he will not contaminate the two. Okay. Let's get back to the question. Is it a double standard? Absolutely. If he has a problem with you wearing your shoes in the house, he can't walk around outside for four hours, then come inside and walk through the house.

it's probably a situation where you need to have a conversation with him where it's like, well, look, if you've been outside all day with no shoes on, go and wash your fucking stinky ass black feet. You can't just walk through the house and expect me not to wear my shoes. I live in a house with Matt who wears his shoes.

all the time. He will wear his joggers. It doesn't matter where, but he wears them out and then he wears them all through the house. And I know that when I wash the floors, the floors are completely black. So like, I hate it. I hate shoes in the house. I think it's not appropriate. I try not to. I will say sometimes I'm a bit lax. Like sometimes my hands are full or whatever. I'll run in, I'll have my shoes on for like 10 minutes and then I'm like, oh gross, take them off. But when you think about it, like if you tested the bottom of your shoes, there would be poop particles on there. There would be wee particles on there. There's germs everywhere.

You know, like how are we supposed to build up a resistance or a bit of a tolerance to some bacteria and some bugs? Not by bringing outside poo into your house. That's not how we build resistance. You put your toothbrush in the bathroom, right? Yeah, it's got poo particles all over it, but they're mine. Tim.

To be fair, I mean, back in the day, now that Lola's off her dummy and all, I would have dropped her dummy in the street and picked it up and given it back to her. Like, not a rinse, not a wipe. Just whatever. You're fine. You're fine. The kid licks the floor. I mean, the dummy's not going to be the thing that kills her. That's my point. The kid licks the floor. This is why you can't be walking outdoor shoes in. Outside. She'll lick the pavement. The things I have seen. Wait, wait. Why is she licking the pavement? Why is she licking the pavement?

Hang on, it's Lola, isn't it? It's definitely not Lola. The things I have seen that kid put in her mouth, just like ambiently pick it up off the ground and put it in her mouth. And I'm like, why? Why are you doing that? Anyway, look, I would love to poll this because I would love to know if you're an inside shoes inside the house or shoes outside the house kind of family. But I think in the instance of this question, yes, it is a double standard. And, yes, it's okay that he has these rules, but he's got to follow them too. All right, question number two.

One of our best friends has gotten into a new relationship of about six months and is head over heels for this guy. She's never been happier, so she says.

That's such a sly thing. So she said. Well, yeah, it's because of what she's about to tell you. She has always been the girl in long-term relationships and her last long-term boyfriend was really toxic as hell and really ripped her friendships apart. Regardless of who she is with, she is very defensive of them. But once she breaks up with the boyfriend, she admits everything and always tells us how bad it was. She recently told us on a Girls We Can that her new boyfriend has not and will not go down on her.

He also will not kiss with tongue. When we questioned why, she said, well, he's just got this super weird hygiene thing. He also doesn't like shoes in the house. Yet he's obsessed with her feet. We asked if he could try and she said he flat out refuses to do it. Our question is, is this normal? We get that there are always certain things people do not like doing in the bedroom, but the fact that he flat out refuses to even try and going down on her concerns us.

In her previous relationship, she was very kinky and loved her sex life. But now she makes concerning comments like they only do it once a week or rarely. And she is always keen for him to leave for work so she can use her vibrator. Keep in mind, she's only 25 with no responsibilities. What is the responsibility?

She's just at home using a vibrator all day. She doesn't work. She just vibrates. Fucking good for you, girl. This is an unusual one. We've often had these questions come in that say like, oh, my partner doesn't love going down on me or I don't love going down on my partner. But I don't think we've ever received a question that is he doesn't like to kiss without tongue.

That's like second base. No, but yes, I agree. It is second base. But he has a very weird. That's first base. Sorry, I don't even know my bases. He has a very weird and specific, probably sensory thing around specific hygiene stuff. Because if he doesn't want to go down on someone, doesn't want to open mouth kiss. Seems like it's the moistness. Yeah, he doesn't like the feeling of something. But he's cool with your feet. It can't be. It's not generic hygiene. It's not hygiene. Because he loves feet and feet are not.

Hygienic. I think it's got to do with like the wetness of it, the texture, the feeling. It's hard because it's also not you writing the question. Like you're upset for your friend that she's not getting licked out. Yeah.

But that is the sign of a good friend. Like the fact that this has upset you enough to write into us and hope that she hears it is like you are the kind of friend we need in our life. I wish my friends cared if I was getting eaten out or not. I always ask you. You guys have never asked me. I always ask you. Not for a while. I don't want to know. Do you know what I was just thinking? And I can't picture it for some reason. Matt ever going down on me? No. Do you and Matt still make out with tongue? Yeah, of course. Do you? When? When?

Is it only before sex? Not only before sex. Do you have make-out sessions that are spontaneous, like in the kitchen or something? Like do you just make out? Yeah, but then sometimes it will turn into sex. So like sometimes I have to time it. You make out without it turning into sex? Am I doing it wrong? No.

Sorry, I need to read the room here because Britt's in a long distance relationship. So yours is less like the times you guys see each other, I can imagine that you would make out. Oh, we make out all the time. It doesn't have to be sex. Yours is different though, because you don't see each other enough. So therefore, like, as in like, you don't see each other every single day. So when you see each other, you will make out all the time. Like when Matt and I were, you know, if we'd been away from each other for a long time, of course, we'd make out.

yeah but like not on the reg I'm not making out with him with tongue every single day and then it not eventuating to say the reality is is that most of the time it will eventuate into sex like if the tongue slips in you're like oh it's on yeah like he'll give me like a lovely kiss you know like without it being anything I might be on my way to work or but not just a kiss like not just a nice kiss I'm talking like a pash yeah like a pash oh I just can't

Well, I mean, not just a peck. Maybe I'm doing it really wrong. So apparently the last time that we made out without it being. Really? Do you kiss? All the time. Just be like a. Yeah, like more like peck style.

Apparently, though, if you kiss for two minutes, it's good for your health and good for your relationship. Every day, kiss for two minutes. We tried that for a while, but that didn't last. Teeth is a long time. It's as long as you're supposed to brush your teeth for. Yeah. And anyway. Can I pull this, guys? Can I ask if everyone's making out without it leading into anything or if I'm... I think we know the answer. I'm really alarmed. I think we know the answer. Maybe. Hey, Keish, can you do a test? Go home tonight. Okay.

Go up to Toblerone and just make out and then slip the tongue in and then just walk away. Say, how was your day? Slip the tongue in and then say, I'm just going to get some work done. Sample size of one. He's going to be like, are you okay? What happened? It is interesting though. At what point do you stop like having just a nice makeout session with your partner because you're in a long-term relationship? It does happen. Like when does it go from that?

To it only being like when you're in bed at night time or when you're about to have sex. When does it change? Well, that's why I asked you because you've been quite long term. You've got the kids. So I was like, I wondered if you actually did still just make out. Yeah, we do sometimes. Can you believe we've almost been together for eight years? I feel like the last eight years of my life has gone so quickly. Crazy. I think that's something you should be really proud of that you're still making out.

After eight years together. He's good. He's a good egg. I'll keep that one. Back to the question. Okay, so your friend's not getting licked out and she's not getting any tongue. She's not getting any makeup. You know what would bother me more actually in this? The kissing would bother me more than if my partner didn't want to kiss me. That would bother me more than him not wanting to go down on me because I feel like there's other ways to stimulate and like have sex. But for me, the kissing is quite –

a nice, passionate, intimate, top line thing. If he never, ever wanted to kiss me with an open mouth, I'd be like, okay, I've either am eating too much garlic or something is wrong. I would say in this though, like taking the question actually kind of a little bit more seriously. It is so nice that you're concerned, but your concern is probably more than it needs to be. Like your girlfriend is 25. She's going to figure it out whether she wants to actually be with this person or not, whether these are things that she can make concessions with in her relationship. You know, maybe for her,

Having a guy go down on her is not that important because he makes up for it in X, Y, Z reasons. Like there would be things that she's making allowances for that she's okay with because she likes other things that he brings to the table. And I think sometimes, look, I mean, sometimes the worry of our friends can be completely warranted and maybe it is, but it doesn't sound like he's toxic. It doesn't sound like he's, you know, abusive or anything else. It just sounds like he has these very unique aversions to things that

And you said like she's really into kinky stuff and was in her past relationships. They might still be kinky. You don't know. She may just be a bit more private around the things that they do because that might be something he's requested. I don't think it is alarming because I don't think it's alarming unless it is to her. And you may figure that out in the future that it was or you may, you know, it may be that this guy is just like perfect for her and they're the things that she's happy to, you know, go without. Yeah.

I do wonder how many people have written this question in because you do say our question is, is this normal? All of the friends are talking about it. This is the group chat. What I do want to say is I don't think it is normal, but I don't think it is abnormal at the same time. Everybody, you know,

has a different yum. Everybody likes different things. The kissing is the more abnormal part. I've not heard of that as much as I have heard of people that don't froth oral sex. There are a lot of people that don't like receiving it and or giving it. And I think that that is fine. That is up to the person, but you work around it. Definitely less normal for people not to want to make out with their partner. But again, I

If this is what they're okay with and it's fine in their relationship, it's only an issue if it's an issue. And she's saying it's not an issue. If it turns into a problem, she'll figure it out. She's a grown woman. And if it's not serving her anymore, I'm sure she will deal with that. Like these issues should only be a problem to you if it's, and I'm not saying this issue in particular, but an issue within a relationship. So if like a partner is constantly complaining about the way her partner treats her or what they do, if your friend is constantly complaining

at you for the last year about how shit her partner is but she doesn't want to change anything that's when it becomes an issue for you because it's literally something that's weighing on you I love how protective you are of your friend but this is her sex life and it's her thing to figure out well no I think it's okay to have worry for your friend's relationships

But you should have worry for things that are alarming, not things that you think are weird. That's the difference. If they were red flags that you say, okay, this is not normal and this really worries me and he's behaving in a way that I think is very suspicious or it seems controlling or coercive or whatever the thing is, then I would understand the concern. But because you find something weird about someone isn't a good enough reason to have a deep concern about their relationship. And that's okay. They will figure it out. Mm-hmm.

But yeah, I think also, and maybe this is like taking it too seriously because it was a kind of a lighter one, but I think also just be careful with talking so much to a group of friends about how much you dislike someone's boyfriend or how weird you find someone's boyfriend. Because if you guys are really, really close and she finds out that like everyone's been talking like that about her boyfriend, this is a reason why she would be so defensive and so upset. So I think be careful with that because yeah, it could be that you are the one who ends up being in the wrong because of the way that you're behaving.

All right. Question number three. I'm in serious need of some advice. I can't tell anyone else. So you guys are it.

I found my husband on a gay dating platform. I went to look up something in Safari on his phone because mine was upstairs. This is a normal thing to do. But it was there when I clicked onto the app. I didn't know what it was at the time and I just moved past it. But something made me look further into it later that evening. I found him on this app pretty easily and I don't know how to approach the subject with him.

P.S. The amount of married men on this platform is insane. It's called Sniffies, which I have never heard of. I'm Googling it right now. It's called Sniffies and it's completely anonymous unless someone recognizes the body part posted like I did. So I'm assuming it's like neck down and if someone has a tattoo or like a piercing or there's something, you know. Okay. So to give you context, Sniffies is a map-based cruising app for the curious.

Sniffies emphasizes cruising as an immersive, interactive experience, making it the hottest app available. For anyone who's not sure what cruising is, cruising is searching for a sexual partner in a public or semi-public space. It's a term that historically roots as a coded way for gay men to recognize each other and seek out sexual encounters. Yeah, so I know someone that has

Like as an example. Was it me when I went on the P&O cruise and I called myself a cruiser? That was very funny. I was like, I don't think you're actually a cruiser. Someone that was like literally was on an app like this. I don't know if it was this same app, but found sex within 10 minutes. It was late at night. They went to like a public bathroom. It was that quick and easy and it was so transactional and that's what it is. That's like literally the definition of cruising. Now you've seen your husband on there.

What you don't know yet and you will not know unless you talk to him is you don't know at what level. You don't know if it's an interest. You don't know if he's ever done anything. You don't know if he is gay, if he is bi, if he is... Curious, whatever's going on. Yeah, you just don't know at this point and...

Maybe, you know, he is curious in his looks but hasn't gone any further or maybe he has been doing it for a long time. You actually don't know but you 100% need to know. I think that this is something, firstly, you said you can't tell anyone. I do think you actually have to tell people. Don't tell random people. I think you should go and speak to someone and get some sort of professional guidance around it. I think that this is a really, really huge thing that you're dealing with and it is too big to necessarily deal with in isolation on your own and just with your partner because

There's a few things I think you really need to be careful of here. One of them is the fact, obviously have a conversation with him. You need to tell him that you know. You need to tell him that you found the profile and you need absolute transparency around this profile. Hopefully, and I don't know how Snippies works. I've got no clue because I've not been on there. But hopefully there is like a messenger service or something like that you can see that you can get more transparency because my worry for you is, you know, you found one part of the puzzle.

It's going to take a lot for your husband to come forth with the complete and honest truth because often when we're caught out in a lie, which he obviously is caught out in a lie regardless, is that people want to minimize the lie. And so they only give enough of it to validate the part that you found, but not the rest of the truth. So I would be worried about getting the full picture from him. The reason why I say this is not because I'm trying to be alarmist, but there is obviously the

worry of STIs if he has been cruising, which would be the case no matter who he's having sex with. But I think the problem with this is the anonymity around it. It's the lack of knowing the person that you're meeting to go and have sex with or, you know, in a club or whatever it is.

The other part of this is that him not being transparent about what he's doing with his own sexual activities means that he may not have the protection in place that he needs. The problem is, is that if he is in a marriage with children wanting to seem like the perfect husband, I would very much doubt that he has gone and had an honest conversation with his GP around the fact that he is having casual sex potentially because

Also on top of that, it could also mean that other men, if you say there's loads of husbands on this site doing the same thing, other people could be at exactly the same sort of risk because there's no transparency around it.

My worry for you is that there's so many levels to this, not just the emotional infidelity. There's physical complications that can arise and I don't think it's something that you should be trying to navigate on your own because of the shame of something that he has done in terms of infidelity, not because he's checking out his sexuality. But I think like don't carry that shame and stop yourself from getting the help that you need in this instance. Well, it's just so much deeper than that, isn't it? Because...

It's one thing to discover that your partner has been unfaithful or potentially unfaithful, but it's another thing to discover that it is with the same sex when you had no idea. And I think it's different if you had had the discussion in the past and maybe you know he's bi, maybe he has been open and curious before. So maybe that part's not shocking to you. I'm assuming it is just by the way you've written it, but assuming that this is all news to you,

I can't imagine what that feels like or what you're navigating right now thinking that like, okay, there could be a potential here that my relationship is over, not because of the infidelity, but because he's actually deep down attracted to the same sex, like not attracted to me anymore. Now that's worst case scenario, right? We do not know that and you do not know that. But I would be having this conversation ASAP. Like this is not something that you should sit on, but I think you need to navigate it very carefully because

And personally, I don't think this is an attack, like, and I caught you out. I think this is a conversation about, hey, we need to talk. Is there anything that you feel like you need to tell me? Like, give him a bit of an opportunity and then say, look, this is what I found. We need to talk about it. Like, you need to tell me what is happening inside of you, like what you are actually feeling, what you're thinking, what you're battling, because I can only imagine the confusion that he's feeling too. And I'm not saying that to protect him personally.

Obviously, there are some big issues here. He has done the wrong thing, but there's obviously a reason he is hiding it. Maybe it's something he hasn't come to terms with yet. Maybe he's really trying to come to terms with it. Maybe he's not and there's just a curiosity. A lot of people are curious, but I really feel for you in this situation, but part of me really feels for him as well. If this is something new that he's battling or if it's something he's been battling a long time, then I only say that because I

I had people in my own life, people in their 70s that I know that are gay and had to fight that their entire life and only really lived their life when they were, you know, in their 50s. And I remember hearing that and it really broke my heart because I was like, wow, like you just weren't able to be who you are. But there's just so many layers to this and so many people that this will affect. I guess for me...

I kind of feel as though my knee-jerk reaction to this and the feeling I have after reading your question is that I don't give him so much the benefit of the doubt that it's just curiosity. And the reason why I say that really comes down to how detailed is his profile filled out.

Because if he has gone to the effort of uploading very intimate body parts, as you said, you identified your husband because of body parts that he has uploaded, photos of him. If the profile is filled out in a way that seems considered, that seems like it was an intentional thing, I would understand it if he just had a profile, but it wasn't really filled out and maybe he was just looking. These profiles aren't filled out. There's nothing.

There's nothing. It's a picture. Half of them don't say anything. There's like a location. Like some of them don't even say a word because it is so top line transactional that it's just your picture. And I think it's just your age as well. You're supposed to put your age on, but then it's genuinely nothing. But even a picture, you don't have to upload a picture. Like you don't have to upload anything. For me, it's like there's a level of effort that goes into that. I feel as though if you're going to go to the effort of having a Sniffies account, of putting pictures up,

I would say that there is a good chance that you're engaging. Like I don't think many people would just leave that up there for a validation hit. However, it could be the case. Yeah, I think I disagree. I do not disagree in either way. I'm just saying I think it equally could be a curiosity. If you were that curious and you hadn't dabbled in it yet, that's the way you'd look, right? You'd put a photo up and you'd be like, let's look what's out there. Let's see if anyone's interested. Let's dabble. Like I think it could be just as much that he's engaging as much as it is that he's looking. Yeah, but my worry though for this is like,

I don't think that you can completely trust, unfortunately, him saying what he says. I think at this point, this is the problem that you have. You cannot trust if he turns around and says, hey, I just looked. I only made the profile last week. You know, you need the proof, unfortunately. And it puts you in a really uncomfortable situation of being like, hey, I want to have this conversation.

I'm open to hearing what it is that you say back to me, but I also need you to prove it because I need to know what has happened here and I need to know the truth. And that I think is going to be an incredibly hard conversation to navigate because if he is defensive, if he won't provide you with that proof,

then I think it's going to be very hard for you to move forward believing what it is and really understanding like what's happened here. And a lot of these profiles, so you know, I don't know about this profile specifically, but a lot of these kind of stuff have like information about your profile in terms of member since 2020 or like a lot of them will have the time you signed up. I wonder if I can find one. Just let me see if I can find it. Lois is on the hunt right now. She's signing up to a Sniffies account. I'm trying to see what it looks like.

To be fair, it's actually really hard to even find a photo of what a Sniffy's profile looks like. It actually, the only things I can find is that it shows up a bit of a map. So basically you can pop in your location and then pinged around the map, like different locations, are the photos of the people who are looking to cruise.

So it looks to me like it's a very active site. It doesn't look to me like you do it with the intention of trying to like organize, okay, we're going to hook up tomorrow or in a week's time. It looks like it's very instantaneous, which also means there's not a lot of paper trail with this type of stuff. So you've got the sniffies information account here. It's like, it's got tabs, my profile account settings. So you can definitely go into your account settings and

Vanilla mode, night mode, you can add a place, host a group. You can change your location to random, bigger or less. So I would think that after it's got account settings in my profile tabs that you would be able to go in and just check out the level of the profile. There are filters that you fill out that are age, position, so like tops, bottoms, and

And then there's a tab that says endowment and you can add eight to 11 inches uncut or cut. You're literally saying what you are, body type, and then spectrum in terms of gay, bi, gender,

trans, non-binary, you can fill out all of those. So if you can 100% go to his profile and see what he has filled out and how much detail he's got by the looks of what we're seeing. Look, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Yeah, it's fine. Honestly, please give us an update because this is going to be such a huge and ongoing part of your life. And I think that you've just reached the tip of the iceberg.

the only thing I really want to reiterate, I know I've already said it, is like do not limit yourself from getting the help you need because you feel shame about this or because you feel as though this is a secret that you need to protect. You have to have support around you and the absolute best advice. And in this instance, I think that that's going to come from a counsellor, from a therapist, from somebody who can help you navigate what is going to be a fucking really hard time.

time. All right. Last question. When should I start maternity leave? This one is for you, Laura. Don't ask me. I didn't take maternity leave. It was a terrible time in life. This one's more, you didn't take it, but it's an opinion based piece. Okay. An opinion piece on maternity leave. I am due to have a baby boy in August and I'm currently talking with my partner and employer about when I should finish up my full-time role. For context, I'm

I will be 36 weeks by the 27th of July. As you would know, I could go into labor any time from then. Should I work closer to my due date as I would be robbing myself of practically another full month's pay? Or do I need to take more time off as I need to get ready and rest before this big change? For context, I do not have a physically demanding job, but I am on the road traveling by car in and out of meetings.

Do I take extra time off and say, fuck the money as it's my last solo moments to myself or should I work as close up to my due date as possible for the good money? P.S. My partner will be supporting me on mat leave financially. I think also what this means is maybe she's got a specific amount of time off, say it's eight months. So if she takes a month off pre-pregnancy, like pre-birth, then it means she loses a month at the end of her maternity leave when she actually has the baby in the world. Yeah. So she's trying to decide if...

if it's more important to take a few weeks before to yourself to get ready before your life changes forever or is the three weeks extra money going to be the bigger thing at the end? I guess it's one of those things where you can only answer. Obviously, my answer is it depends how you are financially. But you've said your partner is going to support you financially. It seems like that's not the issue. Having not had a baby –

but knowing a lot of people that do, I want to lean towards if you financially are okay, I would take this time now, the last three weeks to get some sleep, relax, do anything you want to do, get set up, get completely sorted because you will never have you time again. Yeah.

That's so interesting you say that. I think this is such an individual thing. It is so individual. No two people will feel the same about this. There will be people who have lots of time off pre having the baby and probably get to a point where they're like, I didn't really need to have this much time off.

I could have gone to work. There will be people who are so deeply uncomfortable in their last trimester of pregnancy that they literally have to have the time off work because they can't get to work and can't function at work anymore. And sometimes mentally too. I think it is completely personal. My preference has always been to work up until having the baby and I have never had time off prior. It's tricky for me because I run my own businesses. So if I'm not doing the work, no one is.

That's not me trying to like, you know, like wear my knight in shining armor. Like I'm not trying to be a fucking superhero. It's just an unfortunate reality of what it is when you are someone who's trying to do everything and all of it at the same time. But having done it hypothetically, you know what it's been like. Pretend you don't have your own business and you're just working a nine to five or something laws. Now that you know what it's like being pregnant and

and then having the baby in that first like six months, what do you think would be more important, those extra weeks with your baby before you go back paid or the couple of weeks before to like prep yourself? I would have preferred more time off postpartum. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. There you go, great answer then. For me, postpartum is like the time when I –

absolutely want to have time where I'm not working. That doesn't seem to be the case either, but it's when I would prefer to have it. However, I think the reason why it's such a tricky one is, so for example, with me, Marley went over by the full two weeks. Like she was induced. I had her the very last day that medically they would allow me to stay pregnant. Like basically they were like, you're coming in and we're getting this baby out. There's all these complications that increase the longer you go over with

placenta not being as healthy and potentially the placenta dying. So Marley was 42 weeks and one day and I was induced. Had I taken off two weeks prior, I would have had a month off prior to having her. For me, that would have been too much time. I would have been sitting around the house by myself, pregnant and not

able to do anything and probably just watching Netflix. So it actually was good for me to like keep working and keep exercising and keep doing everything. But like I said, everyone is just so different. And then when I had Lola, I had a lot of pain and I was really uncomfortable when I was like at the end of my pregnancy. I would have cherished a bit of time off prior, but I wasn't able to have it. So for me,

I think mine comes down to more physicality. I understand though for you it's around income and it's around money and I think maybe just have a think about if you're totally fine financially and you feel as though you need to have that time off to go and pamper yourself to spend some time just focusing on you. Don't feel guilty. Yeah then don't feel guilty that's the big thing like don't feel as though you have to show up for anybody else than yourself in these last few weeks. However if the

The financial side is going to put some strain on you. It's going to cause some unnecessary stress. You are feeling okay and you can still go to work. You're not going to miss out on anything necessarily by still working your nine to five job. And I would say, you said that your work requires a lot of travel, driving around, you

in and out of meetings, et cetera, you can ask to scale back the type of work you're doing rather than just not working at all. So you can say, you know, I'm 37 weeks pregnant. I'm not going to be able to be in the car for long hours and do this and do that. So you should be able to have those conversations with your employer rather than it just being, I work at full capacity and then I'm on maternity leave. So I think that that's an important thing as well.

The only other thing I see from like my friends and family and stuff, or even just, you know what, the generic online consensus, my Instagram feed that feeds me stuff is a lot of women that are really upset when they have to go back to work and leave their child. They wish they had a little bit longer with their baby. And I know the other side of that is the fact that people can't wait to go back to work. There's a lot of people that are like, I'm ready to go back

use my brain a bit more, talk to adults, you know, have a different kind of interaction in the day than just being at home. Everyone's different. Yeah, a lot of women are like, I'm not ready to put my baby in daycare or whatever it is. So I guess you've just got to think of what is your absolute priority. But there is no right or wrong. When I think about like my...

pregnancies and my maternity leaves and whatnot. Like, and I do feel for anybody who runs their own businesses and who has a lifestyle that's set up in a way that is just not conducive for being pregnant or having babies, because it is really, really hard. And like,

it's something that I look back on. And although there's no other option in terms of it, it's like, I don't think I gave myself credit for just how challenging that was and like to give reference to what I'm talking about. So like I was still on emails and working when I was in labor having Lola and I was still doing the same with Marley. I was literally on the phone to Laura being like,

I'm hanging up because I'm refusing to have a conversation with you while you're in labor. And you're like, it's fine. I don't feel anything. And I'm like, I don't care. Go and have a pregnancy and a labor without working. I got an email from you. I hadn't even met you in person. This is when I first started working for you. I'd had like maybe two or three phone calls with you. And it was Laura sending me audio. She said something along the lines of,

hey, hon, you know, this, this, this, this, just letting you know, like I'm in labor. She's like, don't worry, I've had an epidural. Yeah, she's like, it's fine, I don't feel anything. Yeah, and when I say I was in labor, I don't mean early stages of labor, like I was in hospital, in the hospital bed with an epidural in my back. I am not saying this because it's like a badge of honor. I actually really realize how deeply disturbing and wrong it is because I think it adds to

the narrative that women can do everything and should do everything and just keep working, be a boss and have a baby. But it wasn't at the time something that I could just like switch off from because I kind of still had this fear of like, well, then who's going to do it? Like, how's it going to get done?

I went back to work with Tony May with Lola. I was 13 days postpartum and I was out on the rock platform in Bondi with her strapped to me doing a photo shoot, directing a photo shoot. And I had this really surreal moment where I was standing there and I was like, this is fucked.

Yeah, what am I doing? This is absolutely fucking cooked. I cannot believe that I'm doing this. But then at the same time, we were just too much of a small business for anyone else to do it at that time. And I feel really grateful now because, you know, if we have a third baby,

I'm at a point where the businesses are bigger and so I'm able to help and get support. But for anyone who's trying to do everything at the same time, not everyone has the luxury of the idea of maternity leave. And I really resonate with that. It's not a superpower. It's just

It's really awful. You've got to do at the end of the day what's right for you. It also depends a lot on your partner, your partner's financial situation, how much he is going to be there to contribute. Is he working away, you know, 12 hours, 13 hours a day or is he going to be home a lot? Like all these questions but either way it's impossible for us to say other than write down what your priority is right now and what you think your priority will be and then just make the decision. Yeah. Yeah.

The last thing I want to add, and this is to this, is you might not need three weeks. You might just need a couple of days, which are self-care days, which you're able to scale back. Maybe you work four days a week and you take three days and your Monday for the next couple of weeks is just a day to you. Like that's something that could maybe satiate and satisfy that need to have more solo time, but it doesn't mean that you have to sacrifice a full month's worth of salary. Yeah.

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