Ep 547 - The Bourguignon Shuffle (feat. James McCann)
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Alright, hey, we're here live today and our guest today is Simple Jack. Don't worry about it, he says. We actually just took him off a stick in a cornfield, he was a scarecrow. I think it's cool, it's what the kids are doing. I'm part of the young Latin kings running around the streets. It's good. It is a Paul Brother haircut, you got a Paul Brother haircut. True. I was on the phone to Shane immediately before getting the haircut and I said, the barber has a monkey.

Because there was a small monkey at the barbershop. Say what? There was a monkey at the barbershop near where we live who had pajamas on and was on a leash. Did you let the monkey cut your hair? No. The monkey was in the next room screaming and very unhappy. He had an angry monkey at the barbershop? There were like 18 guys working in the barbershop and one of them had a monkey.

I've never seen this before. Anyway. You were like, that's where I want to go. It was the most affordable place to have your hair cut in the area. Everywhere else was like, I went to another barber first and they said, you need an appointment. And I thought that broke the barber's code of like, just walk in and hang out. Yeah. Can I just talk baseball? That was the original barbershop quartet. You would stand outside of the barbershop and dudes would just harmonize and just get down.

Barbers used to keep musical instruments in their place. Just to keep the party going on at all? Yeah, you would chill and just be like, oh, with four of your boys and fire them up. For the longest time. You'd be at the ye olde haircuttery and just be like, oh. White people started that. Yeah, true. In England, they would keep a lute handy just in case. The barbershop?

It's a white thing. It kind of, I mean, dude, barbershop, chill culture. Now white haircuts are just either guys with those mustaches or go to the hair cuttery at Walmart. Yeah. Now we're talking a cut. There's no, there's not a hair cuttery at Walmart. Yeah, they would have done you better than the monkeys. I keep thinking of signing up to the Walmart bank. Every time I'd said I went to the barbershop and they had a monkey, people did say that. Monkey cut. People looked at me like I was dropping some terrible slur.

It's not a bad haircut. It's not that bad. You've got to pick someone of your race to cut your hair. The worst one I had was an Asian barber who had no idea what to do with hair. It was worse. Yeah, I've had a worse... This is not the worst haircut, if you can believe it. The best one I had was an ex-con in Adelaide. That was great. Yeah. I got a mullet. They knew what to do. They were respectful. Yeah, you should get a mullet. I let the mullet grow out too much, and then I immediately look like a woman, a fat woman from...

Oh, man. Well, James, the special's doing great. You got to feel good. Yeah, man. It was meant to be an hour, and then I had a panic attack, and I cut it right down. So I'll do another one. But thank you for having me come out. I drank raw milk, and then I was vomiting everywhere. I know. It was just hard to hear you. You had a bad experience. Yeah. I was devastated at the raw milk. Well, that was the conversation we had, because he was like, I think it was the raw milk. And I was like, I don't know. I just got raw milk. Matt gave me raw milk, and it was great. Yeah. It was the most delicious milk. I sucked Matt's raw milk down, and it felt great. Okay.

But then he was like, no, I had like seven glasses. Yeah. And I was like, yeah. I drank like most of a gallon. The regular milk will fucking do that to you. What did you say? You crushed almost a gallon. It was too good. It is so good. It's so good. It is so good. It tasted like a secret. You know, there is like a thing about how milk itself is like white supremacist.

That's why I wanted the right wing milk. I wanted to see what it was like. And the guy who was selling it looked... He was handsome. He had big shot. He was the only person at the farmer's market who actually looked healthy. Everyone else looks weak and faded and unusual. They're not drinking the raw milk, man. I just didn't trust anyone else. They're not fucking drinking the raw milk. They say that they're like...

There is almost like a Nazi-Aryan connection where they try to say the original mythical Aryans were the only people who could digest cow's milk. Well, I'm a race trader as well as being sick. No, no, no. I don't live up to Hitler's ideals with my food poisoning. No, they say you just drank too much. You have too much power. I'm going to go back to the raw milk, I think.

I know you're going back. This is not enough for me to stay away from. I know you're going to go back to the beef bourguignon. I was going to ask for that video of me throwing up over the beef bourguignon. I thought that would be good if I ever have a production company. I know, beef bourguignon. We could have bourguignon productions. Oh, bourguignon. Did you throw up the bourguignon? Yeah, me and him went out one night in Philly.

I never told you this? No. And he got fucking hammered. He got shit-faced at dinner. And he got beef bourguignon. And then we got back to my apartment and he was fucking puking. He was like, Shine, don't follow me. I asked him not to record, but it's a great clip. And I was like, I'm not. Then he showed it to my wife. I try and say that we work hard when we're on the road. He was like, James, you're so fucked up. Look at him, vomiting beef bourguignon.

But the beef burger, in between, he vomits so loud. That is a problem that I do have. Then he goes, too much beef burger. I don't know how to throw up quietly. It's not an easy thing to manage. Is vomiting accented? I never thought about that. No, I'd make a noise. Is vomiting accented? At the end of it, you can hear a little Australian. It's the chunder. That's why it has a special name. Beef.

It's gotta be slightly accented. Yes. I think at the end of a black vomit, you go, God damn. God damn. That's great. I'm not gonna make fun of you. Take you on podcast and let everybody know about it. I'm not gonna.

He's walking shirtless back to the bathroom. That's a bourguignon shuffle. That's a bourguignon shuffle. Like, leave me alone. Stop. You don't have to lock it. You don't have to lock it. It's pretty loud. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. No, no, no. Get the bourguignon. It's very funny. You got shy? I'll leave you alone. Come on. He's not...

But wouldn't that be a good... Like at the end of a sitcom, the credits come up and then it goes, ah, bourguignon. Bourguignon. Absolutely. I think that's... That was the bourguignon coming up. It was great. It was not the bourguignon's fault. Yeah. It's one of my favorite myths. I had the Beaujolais with the bourguignon. What were you drinking?

I was drinking a beautiful wine. Yeah, we had some nice wine. I cannot pace myself with wine. It's very... I'm telling you, wine used to be like fucking badass. That was like fentanyl back in the 20s. Undiluted wine? Wine was for real, like sailors and badasses.

It was considered like, if you're doing like 1910 or like, even like the late 1800s, if you drank wine, you were like an absolute fucking monster. I think it went like winos. Yeah, they called it. When you read like Bukowski's, like I'm fucking in Skid Row with all the winos. You guys are just drinking wine? Dude, Franzia hit the block in like 1890 and dudes are like completely. Franzia made it to me. You fucking get a box of that shit. Do you know about the cocaine wine that the Pope was on? What? What?

They would, yeah, back when Coca-Cola and people were mixing cocaine with their products, there was a special cocaine wine. And the Vatican ordered thousands of bottles of this wine and the Pope was just loving it. Have you seen the Pope right now? He's not doing well. He looked like shit. Yes. We might have a conclave at some point. Pope John Paul? No. Frankie. Francis. Oh, Pope Francis. He had bronchitis, they said, so he couldn't even talk. He was just up there like...

He's been unwell for a while. He's not stepping down. His head and his fucking neck fat is... I mean, I'm not one to judge on that category, but goddamn. Yeah, he'd be getting the Biden treatment. He's like... Whose neck fat is like... Like the dude from Mad Max? It's truly impressive. Let me see this. I think he only had one lung to begin with. He has double pneumonia. He has double lungs. We must pray for the Pope. I'm not making fun of him, but they did him dirty with this...

Damn, I didn't realize the Pope was that fucked up. Washington Post was doing him dirty on this. Dude. Sleepy. Yeah, they don't got to do that to him. Yeah, that's your grandpa at the end. I mean, again, I'm not going to say I'm not going to rush this Pope, but we do need a new Pope.

It's time. I'm ready for cool young American Pope. The young Pope activated me when I watched it. That's what the church needs. When did we elect Francis? Wasn't it? Oh, like ages ago. It was like 10 years ago. He was the first guy to come out. It's a hard job. He was looking all right. Yeah, he was decent.

He had a bit of a twinkle in his eye. Double pneumonia, cocaine, wine. Beef bourguignon. He's got the bourguignon going. That would be a cool life and the absolute, utter, the top hierarchy of the church would be probably sick as hell. Have you seen the new Conclave movie? No, is it any good? It's not as good as The Young Pope. That's all I could think. But it is...

They, it's great until the last 10 minutes when you find out, spoiler, that the guy they've just elected is intersex, Pope with a womb. And then it's like, it's written by a Church of England guy. So they're all just like very sensitive. Wouldn't that be interesting? What is a man? This was a great drama about one of the candidates had a secret family.

He was black and homophobic and people were like, you only like him because he's black. And they're all having... It's great. There's like arguments and what's the future of the church? And then just at the end, there's a terrorist attack and people go, let's get the trans woman or the intersex person. It's a problematic. But Ralph Fiennes is great. And Stanley Tucci. Everything Stanley Tucci is wonderful. Wait, so they have like a serious like religious drama that ends with a trans pope? Yeah. Yeah.

Intersex part. Oh shit. You mean like a natural one? Like a natural trans? Yeah, like it's a little Mexican guy who's like, I found out that I had a uterus. They're killing the Mexicans with this trans shit. What? They got this and fucking... Have they got another big trans person? There's a big Mexican trans movie. Really? Amelia... It's like getting all the Oscars. Amelia Perez.

I watched it. How was it? It's fucking terrible. It's one of the worst pieces of shit I've ever seen. It's about a Mexican trans? It's about a cartel leader that transitions. Nice. They quit the cartel and the way they're hiding is transitioning. But instantly the character becomes like a sympathetic character. Oh, I thought you did. It's like, yeah, they were just beheading everyone. It's like, oh, they trans. You're like, oh, I love them. And it's a fucking musical.

With not really good singing. It sounds great. As a description, if someone said this is my cartel trans musical, that sounds... Yeah, that's what I want. It's a cool idea. It's a cool premise. Cartel boss becomes queen of the south, basically. Yeah. Becomes a trans. And then comes back. They think the family... Then he misses Dalfire's the family. Nice. It truly does. He comes back to his family and he's like, it's me. What? Yeah.

- Damn. - Which was clearly him. - Are you sure you weren't watching Keeping Up with the Kardashians? - No. We had that conversation. For real, while we were watching it, it was like, damn, this is what it must have been like. Where a little girl is holding, or he's holding a little girl as a woman now. And the little girl's like, I just miss my dad so much. I miss the way he smelled. I loved him.

Mrs. Dalfoy was like... Did you ever see the Kardashians episodes where Bruce is obviously starting to transition into Caitlyn? No. They're hiding it from the audience? There's like two seasons where it's just the hair gets longer, gets smoother, he moves out of the house. They go, the marriage is fine. I'm just living in a different house across town. But then it's still... He just like long weird hair just demolishes everybody in table tennis. He's working through some feelings. Just beating all the other Kardashians in table tennis. Yeah.

It's a great weird arc where everyone's going, this is normal. Nothing's wrong. Nothing strange is happening. I mean, that was, I still, I've like forever tipped my hat to the Bruce Caitlin. It's a wild move. Yeah. Just to be like, peace. Because then that forces your wife to divorce you. Yes. And you can be like, I didn't want this. Many a time in a bad relationship I thought about.

Because you never want to break up with someone. You want them to break up with you. That's how I always feel. It's like, what if I could become gay? What if I genuinely was trans? Then you'd have to leave. And just to sweeten the deal, you get to be a lesbian. It is sick. Bruce is a lesbian. Or, excuse me. Caitlin is a lesbian. Caitlin with a C was the nastiest one. Good for you. Caitlin is a lesbian, which is like to break up, to get divorced and become a lesbian might be dunking on a lady as hard as you possibly can. Yeah. Yeah.

Be like, I'm a fucking girl. And still fucking. Yeah. Did Bruce go the whole way? Pardon me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Bless you. Thank you. Did the Jenna person remove the sex organ? Yeah. I don't think so. If they did not, you're exactly right. This is the ultimate. Yeah. It's the best move possible. You have tits. Just get some fucking jugs. Hold up. Sex change or noll?

In 2017, Caitlyn Jenner underwent a bottom surgery. What? In what year? 2017. Okay. So that thing's been gone for a while. Oh, that thing's been gone. Well, hey man, you can fully les out now. You definitely can't come. There's no way if they build you a vagina you can't... Dude...

Where would the orgasm come from? You're making me sick right now. Why? Why are you talking about other people's genitals? They didn't push it on you. I don't know if you've been to a public library. That's all it is, back to back. You probably still get that prostate going. And it's just probably like a nuclear explosion when you cut off the fucking A's and B's. You'd probably puke it out. Where's it go?

You go, oh, beef, bacon, y'all. There's nothing further from cumming than that particular vomit. That's a great question. I know, yeah, I don't know. Can they still hit the prostate on a...

Right? I think they somehow attach your old penis head to your belly button so that you've got like a remote control. Mine might fit. Mine might not break the surface. I got a deep belly button and a tiny dome. It'd be perfect. You'd be on search. I might be able to hide it. You'd be on search. This would be my little secret.

A little door in my shirt. Just a little joystick. What are you doing? A little door. I go, ooh. Indian in the Cupboard. Yeah, that is... That's like an age-old mystery. It's a great movie. I don't know why that disappeared. I don't know why people aren't celebrating Indian in the Cupboard. They never pushed... There's no, like, Indian in the Cupboard merch. Oh, I guess maybe they're... Yeah, because Indians... It was that one and the bird that could talk in the basement. I think it was called Pauly. Remember?

Remember there was a little parrot in the basement who lived a beautiful life? I don't remember that one. I remember the We Indian in the Cupboard. Yeah. I remember. That was a pro-Indian movie, I think. Wasn't it? I don't remember.

He wasn't just a toy. He was a man who had his land taken away. Yeah, for sure. But you're probably kind of pissed that if you're Native American, you're like, we're in a fucking cupboard now? What the fuck? If you don't want to be a sports team, a kick-ass sports team, you don't want to be a tiny white child's toy in a cupboard. But he learns pace with the cowboy. Right. I think that was the point of the movie. Yeah, I don't even remember it. They probably wanted revenge. It was a special cupboard that brought all the toys to life. But then the cowboy toys were getting him.

We're getting that Indian. That'd be a cool movie of like, you know, they did that movie like when Hitler won, like quote unquote, if the Native Americans won. That'd be cool. That would be sick. We lost and just all became Native Americans. Everyone is last samurai. All the Europeans that came here just kept losing. Yeah. For 400 years. Yeah. Everyone's just like, I'm going, I'm going to fucking get it this time. I think the Ethiopians were the only ones. Nope. You're one of us, brother. Yeah.

The Ethiopians did it. The Ethiopians survived. They kept trying to take the Ethiopians. They held on. Did they really? And the Siamese managed to hold on.

The Thai people. I think they're the only ones who got their own monarchy. And the Japanese. That's it. Yeah. Ethiopia... They all had great music in the 70s. Ethiopia held it down. Held down the battle. Even when the WAPs came a-knocking recently. Really? Yeah, Mussolini tried to get in there. Although they do have... Ethiopians do have a very distinct... I guess because they're on like... Are they only towards the tip of Africa? Oh, there was a guy in Chicago. No. This is... All right. This is weird. But...

They don't. There's like a ruling class of Ethiopia and they don't think it's biological. They can't find like a gene that does it. But if you join the ruling class of Ethiopia and they're all from all over the place, they all just start looking the same for some reason. No one can figure it out. What? It's very strange. But you can pick Ethiopian. I can see. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Ethiopian and Somalian are very distinct. Yeah. Yeah. Kenyan. I'm getting better at Kenyan. The tribes within Kenya, I got nothing. Yeah. I cannot. I cannot.

You'll figure it out. Masai? Yeah, I used to deliver beer to a couple Ethiopian restaurants back in the day. And I remember being like, yeah, once you get in, you're like, oh, yeah, I could spot these dudes from anywhere. Yeah. 7-Eleven by our old house. Yeah. Yep. Ethiopian fellas. Great Ethiopians. I went on a date with the owner of that 7-Eleven.

Brief one date. What? Yeah. No, no, the owner's daughter. I meant the owner, dude. That was a guy. That was an Ethiopian guy. The owner's daughter. I went on a date with the owner's daughter, and I was kind of starstruck. She's like, my dad owns a 7-Eleven in Lancaster. I was like, bro, I've been to that 7-Eleven. I've walked to that 7-Eleven. I've been so high in that store so many times. It was cool. We were just like, damn, have you ever met the black guy that opens the door? He's the man. Yeah, I always remember being like, holy shit.

There was a 7-Eleven near Drexel University that was just... I think it was honestly the highest grossing 7-Eleven. It had to be. It was non-stop. Is there anything special about the 7-Eleven or just the placement? Just the location. Yeah, it was just right on a college campus. And the Ethiopians were great. They were good. Ethiopians are also beautiful ladies. Yes. Yeah. Very much so. But yeah, there was the line. We all agree. Some of the dudes there had a bit of attitude. That worked. Some of the cashiers, yeah. Some of the youngsters had a bit of an attitude. Yeah.

The clientele seemed to have the biggest attitude. They were getting assaulted. I ran into the clientele a lot. Yeah, true. I will say American... Just drunk college kids and the locals. Yeah. I've witnessed... The locals and the drunk college kids.

everyone was disrespecting the a lot of mr disrespectful a lot of mr disrespectful yeah it was very much i remember witnessing my first ever like uh black american versus like middle eastern which i believe ethiopian could be almost mistaken for middle eastern yeah and it's dude it was unforgiving unforgiving

Of just trying to get a salmon cream cheese bagel and just being like, put it on there, Obama. Yeah, yeah. Mine was a lottery ticket dispute. Oh. And I was the... They almost looked at me as a mediator. Both sides kept going...

To me. I was next in line and they kept going like, you believe this shit? Successful lottery ticket? How do you have a lottery ticket dispute? It was just taking a lot. I think there was a language barrier a little. He wanted to buy. It wasn't even redeeming a prize. It was getting the opportunity. Yeah. I think it was redeeming tickets. I think the guy was maybe going too slow for the customers. He wanted his money to get more scratches. He wants his money and he wants it now. Do you call them scratches? Yeah, scratch-offs. Yeah, scratch-offs. I'll be back on that.

I lost my card so now I have to pay with my phone. I have to pay ahead of time because I can't insert the card. But when I overpay and there's a little gap in the amount of gas to what I've given them. You get some scratches. Oh, because you've got to prepay. That's all I want to spend my excess money on. I'm not overdoing it. Give me $400 worth of gasoline. There are the $100 scratch-offs. I've seen people do those and it's crazy. That's bizarre.

When I was door-to-door sales, I would do that to get through the day. I would walk around with that. That's how I knew. I didn't realize I was depressed selling cable television door-to-door until a couple weeks later. I was like, I didn't used to spend $50 on scratch-off cards every day. That's new. Yeah, I always forget. I mean, a lot of people play them. They're big, man. My old boss used to rip several $100 scratch-offs daily. It was just like, bro.

put them down your fingers start getting discolored from the little people you can tell that there's a problem there's a lot of lint following you around little tiny bits of plastic i kind of yeah that sounds nice a little scratchy yeah yeah they're they're exciting great birthday present for a child it's the one bit of gambling that you can get a child in on yeah true and then they go let me see what you get there let me see that that would be nice to get a kid a gambling gift

Do you not do that here? Give them a card. Yeah, we give scratch-offs, but I'm saying I placed a futures bet on the Anaheim Angels for you. For you. $150. This thing's going to pay out fucking crazy if they win. It's a nice gift. That'd be nice. Yeah, putting on parlays for your... Yeah, I put together a nice parlay for you. Yeah, we'll see. It might hit next year. We'll see. That's going to be cool. $50 on it.

Not bad. Yeah. And if it doesn't hit, you owe me... If it doesn't hit, I'm coming back. Do you know the Eurovision... You owe me... There's going to be... There's a big... Do you know what the Eurovision Song Contest is? Yeah. This is what I... I always think about gambling on it, but this is the year that I finally take it seriously. Because I think I can pick which song is going to win. They let you know what all the songs are beforehand. Every country in Europe has their own song, and then they compete and they vote. But I think...

I think I could pick the winning song. How would you pick? I would listen to them and feel it in my heart what was the correct song. What show is this? Eurovision Song Contest. We should be doing that in America. We should go state by state. They tried it once. They tried it once. It was an enormous failure. I don't know why. We got to bring it back. We should do state by state everything. We should do a state fighting contest. That would be cool. Yeah. Like the America Olympics basically. Yeah.

I like America. Yeah, why did we stop at high school? Well, yeah, I guess we have like the NFL. Oh, Trump was just talking about this. Really? Yeah, this was one of Trump's first day playing. The America Olympics? Yeah, like the greater, yeah, he's like, we're going to have football. He's like every state. Remember he was talking about like having an American fair? What, like State of Origin? Yes, he wanted to have a fireball world fair. And he was like, in that, we're going to have the American Games.

What, it's like everyone has a football team with the... From their state. That's great. We do that in Australia. Steelers and Eagles. No, no. High school. Oh. It'd be like all-star teams from each state. It'd be the sickest thing ever, dude. Yeah, what the fuck? Just Wyoming is going to get crashed by California. California, Texas versus Rhode Island and Connecticut. They're going to get the Ocon man out there.

That's his world fair. Dude, a world fair now would be nice. Yeah. We haven't, why haven't we had one? Because the French showed you up one time. Wait, what was the mudslides?

Don't even, you don't even want to know. Did you have a dance at a World's Fair? No. You don't want to know about the mud floods and the history of Tartaria. No, we don't want to talk about Tartaria. What's Tartaria? Oh, this is the secret society? We don't want to talk about Tartaria. Can I cover up all these beautiful architectures with just bricks and shit? Come on, man. I don't know. They're trying to hide our past. And why are the windows in the ground?

Wait, what's Tartaria have to do with the fucking World Fair? We don't want to know about it. You don't want to know. I want to ask him. No, I don't know. Did you ever read Wimbledog, the script I gave you? Oh, yeah. No, I did not. You did not? Okay. I did not. Because I was... I don't think I've ever spoken to Matt about it, and I've not spoken about it publicly. But...

You lost me on the pitch. I did lose you on the pitch when I said the coach was fat. He was like, the coach is just a big, fat, ugly fucker. And he's like, I want you to play him. And I was like, all right, you piece of shit. I'm not reading that. He's heavy set for a tennis player. But I wanted to do... It's a story about an older coach who can't play anymore. And if they find this dog... You sure you want to put this script out? Because this is big.

Hmm? All right, go ahead. You think I shouldn't describe it? Let's get it. I'll just say it's about a dog who plays tennis. We're now making it a graphic novel. Now keep going because I like what happens in Japan. All right. There's a little girl who has a dog. And he's a golden retriever and he's very good at tennis. It's Air Bud, but... Yeah. Air Bud. But this old coach is like, I want to win a golden slam. I want to win. I want to take this dog to all the great grand slams and win. And that's the only thing worth doing in tennis. But the first one they have to go to is Japan. And...

Wimbledog runs into a PR disaster. Yeah, I want him to not shake a guy's hand. Everyone is very embarrassed. They're like, great dishonor to not shake a man's hand. They start throwing swords because they want the dog to commit suicide. And then the dog goes up to the opponent's bag and opens it. And child pornography and marijuana come out of the bag. And people go, he was a bad guy. Wimbledog was right not to shake his hand. But then they're only upset about the marijuana.

The child pornography was good. It was some of the best child pornography we've ever seen. We love that in Japan, but marijuana we don't tolerate at all. But I think this is a good family movie. I'll say it to you again. I'm making it a graphic novel, and I appreciate... I asked very briefly, and you said yes, and I didn't get a commitment publicly, but...

I'm using your... We've started the artwork for Wimbledog. I've used your likeness in a graphic novel about... Well, hold on a second. I didn't know it was about child. I didn't know the child porn happened. You shut it down. You shut it down. Okay, good. You're not doing the child porn. All right. It's also not you. It's a character that looks exactly like you in a graphic novel that a man, a beautiful man in Tulsa is drawing at the moment. But I think you should... If you ever get time... Well, what happens to him with Wimbledog? I don't want to spoil the story about how he has to fight a robot dog at the end of the American Open.

Was there a role for Matt as the evil villain in charge of the Tennis Federation who's offended that there's a dog competitor? I can see him getting a little power hungry, yeah.

I think Wimbledog I mean stand up comedy That was my Love me do This is my Sergeant Peppers Wimbledog Yeah I'm moving into the future I really Yeah I believe in it It doesn't have to be that fat Matt's dabbling in graphic arts as well I have I've seen the cartoons I was inspired Oh yeah true Prostitute Secret prostitute Garfield Patreon project No I don't know about this now Secret prostitute Yeah Miss Lasagna bro

Someone, a secret artist, sent me a comic strip. It's actually really well done. And you're funny. You're the Medici family. I'm the Medici family. You're filling his coffers. You're saying, I need more art. He goes, I don't know what to do with this. I'm like, bro, please let me put this on the Patreon. Everyone hates it. I can't stop putting it up there. It's about Garfield becoming a trans street-walking prostitute and then just John trying to get Garfield off the streets. I would have made him a John. That would have been so easy.

John would be trying to buy... No, John's appalled. Just sweet little kitty. Yeah. Then John falls into the underworld in an effort to save Garfield. What's the dog doing? What's the dog called? Odie's part of the Yakuza. Damn, you guys are overlapping a little. Oh, America's ready for a beautiful story about a dog that does something. Dude, for real, dog sports was like a big genre. And then it went away. Hollywood complains that no one's going to see movies and then they're making...

trans Mexican cartel musicals. Make a movie about a dog that wins at sport and people will flock back to the cinema. People were... Air Bud had... What, they have three Air Buds? It was football, soccer... They made more direct. Probably a couple basketball ones. Yeah. Air Bud went to space? I didn't know that. Space Bud? Yeah.

I knew he went to space. Movie Valhalla, dude. Yeah. You know what? Beethoven was a great dog who saved the family. Lassie was a great dog. Homeward Bound is a great dog movie. I mean, I watched that a bunch of times with my kids recently. Shadow. Chances, yeah. Hold on, what's the... The cat's name? Yeah. Yeah.

- Chance Shadow. - There's 14 there but movies. - Missy? - 14? - Missy, holy fuck. - It's Missy. - Is it? - I'm pretty sure. - Yeah, I loved the fuck out of that movie. - Homeward Bound. - It got me every time. - I know. - Shadow fell. I didn't see it coming every single time. - Oh, when the dog goes. Did you ever see My Dog Skip? It's Frankie Muniz, he's got a beautiful dog. And when it seems like the dog dies, it's a-- - Really? - Dog dying in a movie is the only time I really cry. - Yeah. - Yeah, it's a good move though. - All the animals in Homeward Bound died.

Like they killed a bunch of animals making that movie. Are you sure you're not thinking of Milo and Otis? Oh, yeah. Milo and Otis. Yeah, because they live, they survive in the end. That was the Korean or Japanese. Milo and Otis used to be my go-to. They killed a bunch of dogs to make Milo and Otis? It was a puppy, pug, and a kitten. You'd have to. They were taught, and at one point they fight a bear.

And apparently they were just tossing those things. There was no need to do that. For real? Yeah, they filmed it for real and they finally got it because I think the bear finally got full from pugs. That can't be true. Is that true? Yeah. They definitely in Homeward Bound threw a cat into a river. They also do that in...

Did they really? In Milo and Otis and they lost a couple cats in the river. Used to be able to kill animals in movies. Now they've always got a thing saying no animals were harmed. I was watching an old Russian movie and a horse really falls down the stairs. What? That was a hard watch. And then I watched Apocalypse Now. Apocalypse Now is nuts. And they just have a cow at the end. They cut a cow with a big knife.

And they just like hacked and like... I mean, if they ate it afterwards, that's kind of... Yeah, it was. It was to eat. He filmed like a real actual ritual. Yeah. Francis Ford Coppola's wife was like, I just saw some villagers hacking a cow apart. Do you want to put that in the movie? And he went, all right. Obviously. It needs something in the third act to really give it... This was directed... My Little Note was directed by Masanori Hata. Oh, no. And Kan Ichikawa. I didn't know it was a Japanese movie. It is. I didn't know that either. Uh...

I've heard, what's his name? Lewis talked about this. It was very funny. Lewis Gomez was the first person I heard break this story. Yeah, they were tossing some dogs. They'd have to get a new replacement pug every time. Pugs luckily look pretty similar. Have you seen their skulls? Yeah.

I can't stop thinking about it. What's up with their skulls? It's a circle. Oh, really? Yeah. It's the ugliest, weirdest. We did that to them. I know. Well, Chinese emperors did that to them to have just a fun little thing. That must have been so tight when you finally turn a wolf into a tiny little thing. You've done it. Whoa, what the fuck? And when they sneeze, their eyes fall out sometimes. Really? Pugs are great. That was another movie idea. All right, like Greyhound racing? Does it have to be a Greyhound? Maybe there's a guy who thinks his pug has it in him.

But then at the end, the dog sneezes and its eyes fall out. Then a Japanese businessman throws it at a bear. Having a movie, a heartwarming story about a pug that ends in its eyes falling out from sneezing would be pretty great. Then be like, we're just raising awareness to pug deformity. But then what do you do? Just wipe out the pugs? Just breed it with a slightly longer faced animal. Yeah, start breeding. Start breeding the nose back into the pug. The pug nose restoration project.

society and you're just making pugs have sex with great dames Tommy Pope had a pug and it makes me laugh he had a long it was huge he showed me a picture of it it was like a fucking 10 foot long pug it was laying it was laying flat on the porch with it's arms and legs out what the fuck this is the biggest pug I've ever seen he was like oh that's Bufferini Marie

His pugs name was buffer ine Marie was it a wiener dog mixed with a pug no it's just straight pug It was just a big one. What I just loved that it had a whop named buffer ine Marie Tommy Pope the bug buffer ine Marie a buffer ine buffer ine Marie so fun I never really thought about being a dog in an Italian household

You're probably going to get hit. No. It's probably crazy. I think about it every day. I wake up and I think, if I was a dog at an Italian household, with all the pasta that they... You know the problem with that pug? The no-no was there. You're so skinny. Let's give her the dog. It's got to be dramatic. It's got to be like the Roman Empire. You're just at the top. You're being treated like a fucking absolute god. Yeah, true. Next thing you know, they're rising up against you. You're just getting swept. Yeah.

You're eating delicious cuisine sitting on, like, a nice silk pillow. It's better than Irish dog. Irish dog's the worst, bro. You had some guys hitting dogs. Dude, our dogs got beat. I thought you could hit dogs until, like, maybe six years ago. We've discussed it. I've witnessed Phil punched. He fucking punched dogs. He punched them in the head. I know.

That dog was being bad. He hit Riggins. He popped Riggins. That was recently. Did he get his shoulder into it or is it just a little... Like a jab to the top of the dog's head. You know what the fuck was that? That is frowned upon. Dude, it was so normal, man. I would see... I saw dogs getting beat like...

There was one house. I would go to one house where if the dog was seen in the kitchen, it would be viciously kicked as hard as possible every day. I saw it was just a daily occurrence. Dog would be in the kitchen. It was like this orange shitty mutt. It was like a fat. It looked like a lab mixed with like a dingo. It was just a shitty standard yellow 55-pound fat mutt.

And if it was spied in the kitchen, it would try to like go under the little countertop and just be good for him though. Just keep going back. Right. True. You guys can't hurt me right home from work. And it's being like hard as possible to not learn. The lesson is a beautiful thing. Yeah.

That shows that they're not being too abusive because the dog's still got hope. Yeah. I think this dog was just dumb. I think it would just be like... I think it would just get cold and be like, I'm going to go lay in the sun. It would just lay in the sun for four hours and then wake up to just a giant man and be like, God damn it. Yeah, if it was spotted in the kitchen. It was supposed to stay in the mudroom, which is a cold tile floor. Yeah.

And when I was little, we had an outside dog. We had a dog that did not really come inside that much ever. And if it was off the leash, it would hop the fence and bite people. It was so bad. The craziest one is when you see a house where they have the big cages out front with the dog in the cage. I had an outside cage dog as an adult for a while. That's a scary house. I brought it in. It was only when we were working. It would sit in a cage in the backyard and just howl. Phil installed a giant...

Chain link fence in our basement and we put Shaq in there and he would fucking break out. He would rip through the fence. He'll chew out. Yeah. Yep. Yeah. We had, there was a, when I had the Akita and then there was like, it's brother, my ex wife's like, uh, mom and stepdad got it. And then when we, like when we separated houses, uh,

To like when they're like mom and stepdad live with us for a while, but for a little bit, we live with them. I guess it was a mom's house. But they took their dog and they built like a dog jail in their basement and it totally like viscerated. Just rip it out. Just shred it. Turn the lights out and leave it down there. They freak. It's going to go nuts. Well, they won't do it. They're like, there's dogs. They're like, I'll die. Dude, Andrew's dog, Zeus. R.I.P. Zeus. But dude, it would literally...

It jumped out of the second story one time. Like, just... Because he didn't have windows in his house. When he says it would stand on the... On this... It would, like, stand on the roof. Yes. See, he didn't... He was a three-story house. Spud didn't have windows in his house for a long time. So he had a window... He was living in a windowless house in West Philly. And his dog would get out on the third floor, go up on... It was like a parapet. It was like a roof...

Like it was like the window and then there was like a strip of roof like this wide and it would pace back and forth. It was huge. A big fucking, it was like a. And it fell or it jumped out of the. The second story, it jumped out of the second story, but it would just patrol. So it would sit, it was in like, dude, it was in the fucking hood. And he had this giant like mastiff white pit bull that would stand on his third floor like a gargoyle. Yeah. It was fucking nuts. It was actually good. And it would just wait for him every day. It's good security though. Dude, it for real was. Yeah.

I mean, I would get like superstitious if I saw that. Yeah. Just walking by. And actually, I've seen him. He would just face and then just sit like this on the top of the third floor. That's the devil. It's literally an omen. That is an actual demon. I know. That's nice. This show is brought to you by BetterHelp. What are some of your relationship green flags? What do you like?

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But yeah, R.I.P. Zeus. He was the best. He would be in the basement. He would just like chew fucking pipes in the basement. He was so funny. And once he got older and the sun would go down, he would go. Remember I brought him to our old house? Yeah. I brought him. I watched him for a split one time. Blue was my favorite. Blue was great.

great blue ripping the woodman's food right out of his hand was the craziest thing i've ever seen we were just i know we've talked about it a bunch of times over here but whose dog was that was that tom tom yeah r.i.p as well awesome he was so yeah he literally just walked like say we're sitting here yeah our friend chris wood was sitting down eating like a tortilla he just

You would get a bowl of meat and put it in a tortilla and just sit there and munch it. A dog slowly walked up to him and just went... He took the entire fucking thing out of his hand and then just walked away. Like, it wasn't like it fucking grabbed it. It literally just slowly walked up to him. I've never seen anything like it.

It reminds me of O'Connor. We were just in Seattle. O'Connor, when we were in Vancouver once, he got so fucked up. And the next day, he's hung over. And I forget what he got. He might have got a donut. And the seagulls are fucking huge out there. But O'Connor was standing there, and a bird just took it. I had a chip. I had a fry once where that happened. Just think of O'Connor being like, Great. Yeah.

Is anyone going to do anything about these fucking birds? I had the exact same thing happen to me. It really stayed with me as a terrible memory. I was holding a French fry, and a bird just took it. It was a seagull. It came and took it out of my hand. Damn. I remember I talked about it on stage that night, and I got nothing, but it was a lot to me. It was the funniest. It was very hard to explain. Yeah, it's pretty intense. Serious and upsetting. Dude, how did you handle it? What did you do? I was so... It was kind of beautiful, but I was scared. I was upset. Yeah.

Did the beak get anywhere even near your fingers or was it like... It was just gone. I just saw the bird and then I didn't feel it touch my hand. It was just out. It was not a lot of... I don't leave a lot of time between... Yeah, that was quick. I'm pretty close. Bucket to mouth type of operator. Yeah.

I'll never forget when my cousin hit a seagull in the chest with a wiffle ball bat. Dude, we were like, we were throwing food to get him. We were doing a creature storm, just having him storm the fucking front desk. The creature storm was so fun. The creature storm was so fun, dude. And we were just throwing up bread, and there was just so many seagulls getting closer and closer. My cousin just came out with a wiffle ball bat and went, thwomp.

Right in the chest and dude it fucking dropped dead It was all we came out to investigate it huge wings long as hell Just a dead seagull in the front like a family walked by they're like oh I saw a homeless guy punch a pigeon once the pigeons were just right on the ground The pigeon wasn't doing anything to him and he bent it was just walking along calmly and he bent all the way down I just fucking got a pigeon and kept walking

I mean, we've all had that thought. That guy's just so... I couldn't believe the pigeon didn't move or anything, but it sensed his... They get... Dude, those things are crazy. The ducks around where we live, dude, you can grab them by the necks. They don't give a fuck. It's absurd. I like this bird talk. Yeah, it is nice. We had a... You know, it's funny. The time we went to see Scorpion King, me and my buddy had a...

Creature Storm at the beach. Did you really? Yeah, we did it with a bag of Doritos. Dude, how sick is it? It was great. It's the fucking best. Yeah, what are the odds? I hadn't heard Creature Storm before. You ever went to the beach and just threw like a loaf of bread and just let it get crazy with birds? We would do it, yeah. We would have like fish and chips on the beach and there would be

They'd come around like, you know, you're a kid and your dad goes, stop bringing them over. Okay, imagine your dad's not there and it's just you and your boys with as much bread as possible taking from the beach house. And you are ruining everyone's day. Everyone, yeah. I mean, as an adult, I'll try to wait till like 4.30, 5 p.m. when it's like not as crowded. But dude, it's still people there and they are very upset. But you can get like, dude, you can get for real like 500 singles. And then you can run.

You can hold a bag of chips and run and the storm will follow you. It's awesome. Now you control the storm. Running through a big pile of birds at the beach is one of my greatest happinesses. What happened? When there's like a big gathering of birds. You just run straight out the bay. I like watching the little guys that run with the tide. That's fun. Yeah, true. I just like to observe those guys. It's fun watching kids chase seagulls. That's an easy way to get kids tired. Like, go get the seagulls and they'll just...

like relentless like a fucking dog just chase seagulls and you get to watch him for long enough you see who's the king seagull and you see the one sad seagull with like half a foot and his beak doesn't work and he's yeah he's trying to get the none of his buddy seagulls are looking after him helping him get it they're just taking his food away do they have like a pecking order like chickens have definitely yeah i would say the chicken pecking order is brutal dude yeah it's crazy my cousin had my brother and my cousin had chickens and i didn't realize like if there's another rooster the rooster will peck

literally take your rooster crown off and be like, you're a fucking hen. You're getting nan pussy around here. I'm getting all the pussy. They basically... What's that called when they kill each other? I swear, there's something that happens where the whole coop will just kill itself. Really? Yeah. What, they'll just have a mass suicide in the coop? Yeah, they just start killing each other. Guys, get on that. Yeah, check that out. I'm actually curious about that.

Have you ever heard of the old Irish myth of the two cats who fought until only their tails were left? No. That's a sick myth. I just came across that. That's good. It's old. What is the message there? This is mutual destruction. They fought and fought and fought until only their tails were left. What's the point of the fight after that? They've paid no attention to that. That has had no impact on the development of the Irish people.

Speaking of, O'Connor got me that painting there. And that's a nice Irish brigade at Antietam. Turns out the guy looks exactly like Tony Hinchcliffe. No, I was going to say he looks like... It kind of got ruined for me. You guys were like, he looks like Tony. You got a painting of Tony? I was like, no, it's fucking cool. Who's the defense against the dark arts teacher in the second Harry Potter movie? No, you know, the Gilderoy Lockhart. No, the little... He looks like the Shakespearean actor. Oh. Do you know who I'm talking about? Not little...

Is it Littlefinger from Game of Thrones? No, but he also looks like Littlefinger from Game of Thrones. He does not look especially Irish. He is Irish, though. Yeah. Captain Clooney. Yeah, I think he died right there. Did he really? Yeah, at Antietam. That would be kind of a sick way to go if you rally up a bunch of troops and then just get blown off. The Irish people would go. They came to America to learn how to fight so they could bring it back. What? To England, yeah. And he was apparently a monster. That's pretty tight. Read about him there. He was the best soldier ever. Really? He was just fearless and then, you know.

Got the best of him when he was like, I'll stand right in front of everyone. Yeah. He got shot like 20 times. Oh, no. He was a horse, so he was like, I don't care. Come on, boys. You can see it there. He's got some wounds. Wasn't there like a... Yeah, he's literally falling down while that picture's being taken. Yeah, he's saying, fuck you, pussies. Wasn't there a story of like a Vietnam... Wasn't there like a war hero who had like a fantastic... They made a movie on it where he like...

He had this crazy charge where he killed like 60 people himself. And he went home for a while and he finally went back to war thinking like, I got this down, just died. No, that was... World War II. That was Barcelona. Yeah. Yeah. That's crazy. He's got a rest stop. Does he really? Yeah, in Jersey. That's awesome. Do you know about Ned Kelly?

Ned Kelly's our great bush ranger hero where the cops were after him and he was like a sheep thief and he built a suit of armor out of iron. It's hilarious. It's like a cool hat that he built and the chest and he just like stood and shot at the cops and they were shooting at him. He was shot something like a hundred times in the dick and legs. Yeah.

The movie's pretty good. I watched the movie. Mick Jagger? Yeah. No, the movie. No, there's a movie with Mick Jagger as Ned Kelly as well. I didn't see that one. We made it over and over again. Yeah. We loved that story. And they go, you'll never take me alive, copper. And then he said, such is life. He had cool quotes. Yeah. Damn. Where did he have the armor? It was one with Russell Crowe. He made it out of a trash can, I think, or something. I don't know. Russell Crowe was in it. Everyone's going to remember that. He did. We have one of those. We have the killdozer armor.

I heard about the killdozer. It's the same thing. Yeah. He was like, you guys are going to take my land. And then he went into the warehouse and spent three years building a tank. Did anyone ever make a movie about the killdozer? No, I've only seen a documentary. I guess you can't glorify acts of domestic terrorism. Yeah, I don't think the killdozer is in your passport as something to celebrate. That'd be a good sports team. What? Killdozers. Yeah. Give it 50 years and people will be ready. Yeah.

Ready to forgive and forget. It does take time. They had to bring in like a sniper, like a .50 caliber sniper to try to get some bullets in there. It's pretty great. Did he kill people? No, he was just driving through all his enemies' houses. It was fucking incredible. Did you get no fatalities and maximum death? I think he got no fatalities.

That's crazy. It was a bulldozer, so it was going slow as fuck, but no one could stop it. So he would go through someone's house and then be like, all right, I'm headed down to the fucking town hall. Everyone just had to be like, that fucking asshole. What's the, I think Oklahoma City bombing? They injured a couple people. No. No? Hold on, what am I thinking? There was one where they- They killed a bunch of kids. Oh, that's bad. There was a daycare there. Yeah. It's an AT&T building?

In Nashville. Yeah, that was recently. But he did it on Christmas Day. In an RV and he had speakers. And he was playing music and he was like, everybody get out. I'm blowing up the AT&T building. I don't want to hurt anyone. I just want to make AT&T unhappy. What was his beef with AT&T? I think it was NSA. Oh. Yeah. I thought he was just on the phone for too long. True.

What? It looks like Sauron and Spud was like, if I had to look at that building every day, I would probably want to blow it up. Yeah, if I was a little schizophrenic and they're like, there's a terrifying tower there. It was a scary building? It's so scary. Yeah, it's like windowless. So he's justified. Yeah. The architecture was terrible. Well, people had to pretend that the World Trade Center was beautiful. It was like Howard Rourke.

The new building instead of the World Trade Center is- It's a little Fountainhead reference. Which one? What did you say? Nothing. I don't know why I'm remembering. Did you read The Fountainhead? Suddenly I'm remembering books. I don't know what's happening. I've been taking it easy on the drinking all of a sudden. I'm like, oh, I remember books. I love The Fountainhead. Fountainhead fucking rules. The ending of The Fountainhead is the most insane close of a book. Yeah, it's one of the best. He's a great architect. He does a rape and the lady thinks it's hot, so that's a weird part of it. But moving past that, he's a great architect and he lowers himself to design public housing.

He's like, I'll build the best public housing. If I'm going to design public housing, it's going to be the best public housing. And they make it ugly. So he destroys all of the homes for poor people. And then he gives a beautiful speech about, I had to do it. Ugliness has no place. And the jury let him off because the speech is so good. And then the book's over. But it's a book about the importance of destroying public housing. You've got to ruin the projects. It's crazy. It's such a great book. That's crazy. I did not get that out of it. Really? Yeah.

Funny synopsis It's also about like Relentlessly pursuing your goals And being the man Clearly yeah And all the mediocrity Is trying to tear you down Oh it's Ayn Rand Yeah Ayn Rand wrote that? Yeah Yeah it was her first Big big hit I like it more than Atlas Shrugged I really liked Atlas Shrugged I was a big Ayn Rand teenager

I know, I didn't realize I was like, I am the great man of history and everyone get out of my way. Was Ayn Rand a girl? Yeah. Okay, I thought so. Also like an old Russian lady. Yeah, she hated communism. I find her very sexually exciting. She has great interviews. In all of her interviews, I think she's sick. I've never really taken a look at young Ayn Rand. Young Ayn Rand is okay looking. There's a great interview. You prefer her older? She's like, I do not want a woman to ever be president. That would be wrong.

Yo, bro. I know, it doesn't come across as much in the picture. Doesn't come across in the picture, but she has an energy. I'm telling you, she has an energy. Steve Gurman. It's not the best picture of Ayn. We all have bad pictures of us out there. Ayn Rand is fucking busted, bro. Ayn Rand is ugly as shit. She's a very sexy woman. I think Atlas shrugged, dude. Look at some videos of Ayn Rand and see the way she moves. Bro, I'm Tony. She's one of the ugliest women I've ever seen.

You're far right, dude. I was like, the bride's looking all right. Then I went, oh, okay. I'm saying they're a bit of... I haven't found one picture. It's not about the look. Her mug's crazy, dude. And yet, despite that, she's very sexy. She looks like she spent at least a couple years underground. She may have. I don't know what have she went under in Russia, but it was... Like physically. But they don't like her because she's... Yeah, she was against communism. Yeah.

She had a little doll of a pill. She's like, the Fremont is so powerful. Damn. I mean, dude, that'd be crazy living in a depressed communist country and just smashing Ayn Rand. Yeah. It's all you get. You get like two loaves of bread a month. A couple of vodkas, potatoes. True. A couple of Ayn Rands kicking around. You dig them up out of the dirt. You get this. Dig an Ayn out. You go, this is a tuna. A fuck.

It's an Ayn Rand. Never mind. It's an Ayn Rand. It's food for thought. When did you have your Ayn Rand? I didn't have you picked as a... Hillary Clinton's Ayn Rand. That's kind of all I ever read was like classic classics. It feels wrong to waste time. All right. I was reading about Roman Polanski this week. I got in a big Roman Polanski Wikipedia wormhole. Allegedly a pedophile. Well, actually openly. He had an interview in 1985 where he was like, I fucked young girls. Everybody wants to do that.

He was very open about it. He definitely says he does. Anyway, the French culture minister stood by him. This is getting back to literature in a second. The French culture minister at the time was like, we must not deport this man. He's a great artist. We stand by that. Then people read the French culture minister of the time's autobiography.

And there's this big section where he was going to Thailand. He's like, I was at the boy brothels and these sweet boys, you can pay them. And it was the most erotic feeling. His defense was that he wrote half novel, half autobiography, and it wasn't all true. But

But imagine being a politician and coming out with your biography. There's a big section about how you love boy prostitutes in Southeast Asia. But that was just literary flair. I just put that in for a literary flourish. Yeah, that was just him being like... And I thought Norm's book is like that. I was just putting it out there. That's crazy. Show people a little something crazy. But also, he doesn't say which bits are made up.

It just says you can't trust all of this. Maybe that bit about me being a pervert in Asia is true. Norm's book, I got tricked by it. I read it way too long before I realized it was a joke. When he's committing prison rape? Way too long. I was on like chapter three. So you got through him... A lot. Like his uncle, like everything. Yeah. You thought the bit where he was on SNL because he was giving Lorne Michaels morphine was legitimate? No, but I was like...

Yeah, I was ashamed at how long it took. That's so funny. Yeah. I read the first chapter without knowing, and I was just kind of like, maybe he did bring him drugs. I don't know. It's such a great opening. I call this a recurring character. Yeah, that was awesome. A lot of Adam Egan in there. It's great. Adam Egan was the only person I got really starstruck by in America. And he finds it very... It's cool now, I think. It's normal. But every time I see him, I go...

jerking off punks under a bridge for $15 a park. It's the Adam Egott. Yeah, he's the man. He does rule.

Damn, I didn't know that guy wrote in his autobiography And then it just detailed explanation It's very, he's like He talks about the incredible erotic feeling Of being able to pick your boy It's like he's a member of the French government It does have kind of one of those weird Pick your boy sounds It's like cellar door, it's like one of those Poetic expressions Being able to pick your boy It's just the perfect sentence Phonetically, yeah, it sounds kind of great Fuck you, man I don't fuck with this

Shut up, man. Dude, you play video games with the girl characters. You should be on Megan's Law, dude. For real, playing with, that is like number one, like, playing with girl characters? No, dude, it's better. Do you think that's why- If you gotta look at the character, why not look at a hot lady? Here's my question. I think that's maybe why the trans thing happened, because it's the first generation that grew up playing girl characters and seeing themselves as a girl all the time. And then they, it's just a thought. You don't think so? You don't think that's what's going on? It's kind of true. I never play the girl. Never. Never.

It's all about looking at the ass. Dude, you're living in a woman's body. You're powering inhabiting a woman's body. I believe you, Nate. You are very, very horny. I think you like playing as a girl. What? No. We were just playing UFC. You wanted to pick fucking female fighters. It was the only way I could win. He did not win. A little Juana man, then.

I think Infinite Jest is a joke. What? The book. It's a great book. No, but I think the whole book is a joke. Yeah. Yeah. What do you mean? Like it's a joke by the author on the people reading it. No, I think he wrote it out of love. Yeah, no, not at all. Did you read Infinite Jest? No, it's too long. I was shocked. Structurally, it's a joke, I think, because it's that long and then all the action of the book takes place like outside of the book. Like you have to...

There's so much time for him to describe the important things in the book and he still doesn't do it. But I love that. That's why I think it's a joke.

And then everyone just tries to figure out what it means. And he's like, no, it's not that. It's not as complicated as that. He said, I watched an interview. He wanted people to do the work to make something very hard. You had to work for and study for. There's a real point to it. Because he thought technology was becoming so addictive. It would one day grow. Entertainment was growing with technology to become so addictive. And one day just ensnare us completely. And we'd all lose ourselves. He made a hard book. Yeah. Yeah.

With like a thousand foot. But it's still fun. Like it's very, I laughed a lot. That's good. And then there's a great interview where he goes, once they have virtual reality pornography, I have to commit suicide immediately. He killed himself. And then he did. Out of his word. I think it was for that. Hung himself, yeah.

I never read it. It's good. I think it bothered me. What, the book? Yeah. The first million pages are pretty tough, and then once you get into it, it's just awesome. Once they get to the tennis academy? Yeah, you got to read it on a Kindle because there are a million footnotes. I don't even know what it's about. It's about a guy. They made an entertainment cartridge that if you watch it once, you're fucked, and you never take your eyes off it, and your body will just like...

you'll just let your body be completely destroyed. And it was made by... Pretty much. It's how it let loose. Yeah. And it was made... I can order Chipotle. It was... I don't know.

It was made by a guy whose son was in a tennis academy, if I remember correctly. But the dad, after making it, was like a failed filmmaker. But that one took off, but it was like a government weapon that Canada's fighting against. There was a great scene where he comes home to his dad committing suicide. His dad puts his head in a microwave. And cuts out a hole. And explodes his head. And the boy's like, the worst part is I walked in the house and my first thought was, it smells really good in here. It's really funny. It's also about Quebec separatists.

It's about crippled... Is this a Canadian author? No. But part of the joke is that all of North America has become one country, but Quebec still wants to secede. But they only let crippled people become assassins. And you can tell when they're coming when you hear the squeak. It's a really funny book. It is funny. It's also about a drug addict who decides not to have painkillers when he's very seriously hurt. It's such a... Did this inspire your book at all? Uh,

I mean, obviously, just reading it, I was like, this shit rules. But I could never. It strikes me, yeah. Right now, Finnegan's Wake has inspired me big time, but I can't understand any of it. I just read it and go, I just read the footnotes and go, oh, wow, that's what that means? That's so fucking cool? I'm so envious that you have that. If I read a footnote, I'm like, I'm done with it. I don't know. I got to read this sentence four times. I still can't understand it. Once I see the asterisk, I go, oh, boy. I'm going to that. Here it's coming. I'm going right to the footnote. I love footnotes.

Infinite Jest is like, he'll do footnotes on the footnote. You've got to have three bookmarks going while you read it. But if you have a Kindle, you can just tap the link and it takes you to it. Yeah, Kindle was nice for words. That's how I did it. Words I didn't know. And words. Dude, I wouldn't have gotten through that much. That was nice. Without a Kindle, I couldn't have read Infinite Jest. Have you read The Sun Also Rises? Yeah. In high school, yeah. I just finished it. I love it.

I just was waiting for his dick to start working the whole time, and it never did. We've talked about this. I read the entire book and somehow missed in the beginning that his dick didn't work. I was furious. At the end, when they're in the car and they're like, oh, we could have been something. I love you so much. You're just like, why not? Fuck. What happened? You dumbass. Yeah, he got his dick injured in World War I. His dick gets injured in the war. Yeah, I missed that part. He's recounting when his dick first got injured.

I think I said this recently, but it's like he's in a hospital bed, but it's all Italian guys making fun of him for his dick being black, which is the nastiest. Like of all the hospitals you could be in, an Italian hospital and all these guys going, your dick had done a work. Kill yourself. That's the worst thing that could ever happen to a man. I just read the other one, Farewell to Arms. Is it good? That's the one that the guy throws out of a window in Silver Linings Playbook, so I didn't want to read that. No, it's great. All right. Especially the first, the beginning when it's about before he gets hurt.

It's great. The war scenes, it's awesome. He's such a good writer. Yeah. He's probably my favorite. I remember we had to do that in high school and had to do like a blue book, like essay examination. I remember just being like,

So fucking stunned. I remember there was like a question on it. It was like, why, why doesn't he just bring it up on the date or like tell the lady or something like that? I remember in the essay distinctly remember writing like, it would be hard to be like, hi, my name's Jake and my dick doesn't work. Yeah. And the teacher literally underlined. It was like hilarious. Really? Yeah. I mean, you were right. Shout out Mr. Quinn, dude. Yeah.

He was the guy who told us all to learn how to fake cry. He's like, it'll serve you so well in relationships. He's like, if I get back to the corner, I fake cry. He's like, I fake cry and my wife just caves every time. Holy shit. I mean, that's terrible advice. That was good. That's insane. Dude, really. It's awesome. High school English teachers are crazy. An all-boys school teacher being like, all right, enough of that lesson. Yeah.

Women suck. You guys are about to find out. You got to learn how to fucking cry. I've picked my own syllabus. I've picked my own syllabus to teach you boys about women. I'm going to start with Hemingway. He knows how to treat a lady. He does. We'll tag him up a little. We'll fucking end with a, touch me, cunt.

Yeah, I went to Hemingway's house too. It's pretty sick. And when I was in Spain, I went on a nice Hemingway bar crawl. Now, have you been to the bullfighting? I didn't go to the bullfighting. It's made bullfighting seem so appealing. I don't think I would like it. I think I would get bored immediately after they kill the first bull. Yeah, I'd be pretty sad about it. This is revolting. Yeah. Through the whole book, I'm waiting for him to get an erection and the bullfight's coming. I'm going, surely he's getting hard at the bullfight. And then he doesn't. No. Then he goes for a swim and he doesn't get an erection there.

Such a good story, though. What if your dick didn't work? Yeah. And he just has to watch the love of his life just keep... Fuck other men. Fuck the bullfighter. Yeah. And then...

And then, all right, the best bit in the book. The young, hot matador comes in. The young, hot matador. And the guy, like, he loves bullfighting. And the guy who owns the hotel loves bullfighting. They're the only two who really understand bullfighting. And they go, this man is special. We've got to keep him away from loose women and hard drink. And then the woman he loves has sex with the bullfighter. And the guy in charge of the hotel looks at him like, you're fucking impotent. No, you couldn't even stop your degenerate friend from ruining the one beautiful boy. Brett.

Isn't that her name? She was so erotically charged. There was one bit, like it's all...

obliquely written and it's straightened like we had Hemingway stuff we went there on the next day it was a good day and we went over there and it was very hot we had wine and we went fishing but the one sentence that I love is like he's at a party that he hates with like this woman he loves and the man she's fucking and like the man goes off to get champagne and he's so angry with this guy going to get champagne he's got to be this woman he can't have sex with and then the guy comes back and fine we'll open the champagne and then he goes

It was sensational champagne. I trolled it that over. I was like, I don't know why that, that's not a good sentence on its own. But within the book. What about a reboot of that story movie, but then he just gets into pegging. That would be. He just gets pegged. That'd be great. That'd be sick. I don't understand how they can turn it into a movie. Nothing would happen. It would just be a man fishing and watching a bullfight and looking at a lady sadly. Yeah, but if you knew his dick didn't work.

it'd be you'd be it'd be gripping you'd be like fuck yeah it'd be great if you had to change the title so that everyone just like you call the movie his the man whose dick didn't work what i didn't know i didn't know was his dick when i read it in high school i i just imagined he had you know like when michael jackson had like his nose redone yeah i thought he just had like a cloth was it like a cloth over it like it was missing or was it just not functional i don't know i don't think it ever really described i imagine it like it was missing i thought he didn't have a dick i think he's

They don't go into detail, but he doesn't have it. They don't go into detail, but there were scars. I think he lays down with a lady at one point. There's a prostitute who tries to get him to employ her, and he goes, I won't be able to partake of that. She goes, you are sick? And he goes, yes. She goes, I'm sick too. He's like, she had gonorrhea, and he missed out. She had his broken penis. I didn't think I'd enjoy the broken penis book. Damn, it's great. I loved it. Now that technology exists, you can get that pump in your ball. Yeah. It's

There was an episode of Fat Pizza. Yeah. You have to activate. I think the trans piece is that. Under the sack? You have to choose. Yeah. That would be so nice to get to choose when you had an erection. I think it's just, I don't know, maybe just underneath your sack. I think it might be underneath the sack. That's what the testicles are. Building it into the sack. It's a little squeezy. Building it into the sack would be sick. You could just literally pump your sack. Yeah. Yeah. Pretty sick. Pump up penis would be nice. Yeah. I'm chased right now for the time being. I'm chased for five days. No food, no sex.

No coming. Yeah, no coming. Well. No food. Let's take this cum talk into the Patreon. True. Yeah, we're at an hour already. Yeah, let's. If you want to hear about some cum talk. Yeah, dude. Patreon. Yeah, I have some good topics actually. All right, nice. See you there.