Shownotes Transcript
The Wild Wild West. Yes, my legs feel so smooth right now. Why? I don't know. Just my skin. It just feels fucking... Your skin's glum. I haven't sat like this, I guess, since last week with my... No, start at the beginning there.
That's good stuff. Oh, with my skin? Yeah, that's good stuff. That works. True. That's a good... I'm just saying, I'm surprised by my leg. Usually my legs hit my other leg and I go, ew, get that the fuck off me. Yeah, it's rough. My skin's dry as shit at all times. Is it high right now? I got fucked. I was in Omaha last weekend. I got all dried out in the cold. Came back like I had that alligator skin.
I've got it right now. I was staring at my skin the entire meeting I was just having. For one straight hour, I was going, God damn, I got dry skin. Yeah, I do that every now and again. Shane, what do you think of that? Yeah.
For sure. You can like see individual skin cells. I wasn't staring at my skin. I know. I've been pretty spacey today, too. I wasn't staring at how red my face is the entire Zoom meeting. Just going, Jesus Christ. They let you do a different background. They should let you just do a whole different face. That way you're not staring at your own face. I should do cat face.
just put the cat you ever see that lawyer it was during covid and the old guy had to call in for a thing and uh his grandkids were fucking with the computer and it was like a cat like when he talked to it talking he was like i'm not a cat and they're like yeah we know it's classic that is pretty good i've been i've been fired up there's too many skeeters the skeeters texas mosquitoes
They do. They don't. It's hell here. I feel bad because I know my wife gets crushed. They don't touch me, man. I don't know what it is. They don't like. Yeah, they get me. That sucks. I know a couple people. I think it's a blood type thing. But also just they're everywhere.
They're fucking everywhere here. Like they're in my house. I tried to get in the hot tub last night. There's 20 of them. Yeah. Yeah, you're around that water too. Yeah, we're in a fucking swamp back there. We're on the bayou. Yeah, I'm down here on the bayou. Yeah, I don't do that. The mosquitoes. You guys are up on the high plains. I'm on the high plains. I'm in the grasslands. I really am kind of in the grasslands. But I will say I'm battling a neon green spider right now.
It's kind of my bro right now. It's in my blueberry bush. What's he up to? Do you know what kind of, have you figured out what kind of spider it is? Yeah, I did. I ID'd it right away. Let me see. I'll show you a picture of this guy. He's pretty spooky, dude. You got to let him chill. I am. He's Jackson. Or just Jackson's going to eat it. Bro, look at that guy.
Neon green spider. Oh, he's great. He's a good guy. Looks like a little shamrock spider. What kind of spider is that? I forget what it's called. I have my family. I sent it to my little nephew. He gives me my bug eyes. He ID'd it. Let me see what I got here right now. Go hit the family chat. Man has been active actually in here. Oh, here it is. Sphinx. He called it a sphinx spider. Although, he is like seven, so he could be fucking wrong. A sphinx, he might be wrong. It sounded like things. Dude, I found...
Yeah, you would love this book. I found the book on Amazon. I was sitting there. I don't know what I was doing. I was like watching TV with my family. And I was like, dude, has anyone ever written a book exclusively about farts like the science? And nobody has. I haven't. I haven't seen it at least like a scientific. Yeah. Like, you know, how it's like, you know, how do they start? Like what? Yeah, exactly. What are they? What happens if you hold them in? Like just stuff you'd want to get everything you'd want to know about them, which, by the way, I don't think that book exists.
but i did find a book about this guy self-published a book on amazon called never trust a fart and it's it's six it's six six short stories yes that's all just his like bros they're like best shit themselves story dude i was cackling it's a great idea it's unbelievable and it's like the guy the guy who wrote it it's very like uh i don't know how to explain it you know when like um
I honestly can't think of a way to explain it, but he just, I guess he not like uses cliches, but he uses like, and like Dale is a red blood, like any red blooded American man has had a close brush with, you know, and he like, dude, it's so funny. People shitting themselves stories are like the best. Dude, they hold up. I don't know who it was. I'm trying to remember who it was. You remember the guy, he shit himself on a train and then had to throw his pants out the window of the...
No one remembers this? Was this somebody we know? I feel like it's either somebody we know or a barstool guy, and I can't remember. At least he got rid of his underwear. Dude, the stories I'm reading, everyone fails to ditch the shitty underwear. One guy goes on a date. He's in college. He's on a date with this girl, and it's set long enough ago. I'm sorry to cut you. Who the fuck is shitting? Who's risking a fart on a date?
Dude. This is crazy, man. Everybody does the same thing. You wait until the date's over and then you uncork one. He was on his way to the date. He was walking over. Yeah, all right. Right before the date, you got to let it out. And he was late. He was running late. And you get enough backstory where he builds up the characters. He's like,
He was Dale's a hardworking man. He's working two jobs. Any hardworking man has to eat fast food. There's no way around it. And his stomach was like, and he uses a lot of like gurgle, gurgle block. And he's like, he's Hemingway. Oh dude. Very easy. Short sentences, four word sentences. They're so good. And it'll be like, and then he gambled. He thought he could get away with it. He goes, I got this one licked. And it was just like splat. And he just shit himself.
already late goes into the door this is the first story i won't give away the other ones i've read four and after the fourth like i think i get it i started the next one i'm like this is so fucking funny but he shit himself heading up to the date was already late the girl was all made up in the dorm room with her roommate and he was like oh guys i'm sorry i gotta hit the bathroom and he took off his shitty underwear it was all contained and he saw this big window out of the dorm he could have thrown the shitty underwear out try to flush it
The toilet backs up. Of course. He climbed out the window, got on a tree, and just escaped. And the girls thought he was in the bathroom the whole time. So then after like 35 minutes, he wasn't answering, so they called the fire department. The fire department kicked down the door. There was just shitty underwear floating in the toilet, and he just never talked to the girl ever again. He was an apparition. Yeah.
He literally was a fart demon. He was a shit demon. He's like, now Steve's a family man. Through and through. And he's like a guy taking his family to a football game. He shits his pants. It's so funny, dude. It's so funny. I shit my pants before the Super Bowl. Did you? In sixth grade. Oh, shit. Yeah, I was trying to cut weight. Got vicious diarrhea from not eating or eating some crazy shit.
And then right when we got to, right when we drove the whole way to the field, a shit...
You went to the Super Bowl in sixth grade. It was what we call the Super Bowl. It was just pony football. Yeah, what do you mean? And I shit. Yeah, I was in sixth grade. I was playing in the Super Bowl. I was trying to cut weight for the bowl. I thought you were just at the Super Bowl. No, no, the Rams, Rams Titans. That was sixth grade. Sixth grade Super Bowl. Titans weren't going to let me play unless I cut weight. No, I had to lose weight. You were about to play in the bowl. Yeah, I was about to play in the bowl. First bowl game.
That was my first Super Bowl. Damn. And I shit-
And then I tied a hoodie around my waist. I was wearing white shorts. And I knew it had to have gone through. It was a spurt. It was right when I was getting out of the car. So people were just watching me walk away. And I tied my hoodie around my waist. Like a fucking weirdo. No, dude, I'm telling you, it's an archetype. I mean, what else can you do? Dude, a guy who was taking his family in. I will spoil another story. He was taking his family in the game.
he's like i gotta take a dump and he's doing like a quick walk away and his wife had just given him a talk about like no letting kids pull your finger and farting like we gotta set a better example for our kids he's like for sure no more of that for sure and he goes to run and every the funniest part is every guy the way he describes like guys getting away with it being like yeah i didn't shit myself this time and then just be like oh no and he it was like cold out and he just tied his sweatshirt around his waist and just sat he like ditched his boxers sat like that
And his whole family was like, are you cold? He's like, I'm fine. He was contained in the mess. Come on, man. It's football weather. But even him, dude, he didn't... What would you do if you shit your pants in a parking lot? You'd throw them somewhere else. Yeah. Stash them under the driver's seat of his car. And then his daughter, who was a teenager, has her learner's permit. She's like, I'll drive home. And she opens the door and everyone's like, oh my God. And he just kept being like...
It must be a dirty diaper. I don't know what it is. And she reached back to pull the seat back and just hit the shitty drawers and was like, and they'll eat. Dude, the why? How mad the wives get in these stories? It's so I sympathize with the wives. I'd be furious. Dude, just go throw your fucking underwear somewhere else. Yeah, it is. I mean, dude, I'd never trust a fart. It might be a literary masterpiece. So good. Yeah, I have to check that out.
I wanted to bring it so I could just give you the passages are so funny. Yeah, that'd be nice. But I won't spoil it for you. We probably got some good shit your pants stories out of this crew. It looks like we got some bruisers in this squad. Yeah. Come on, man. You never shit your pants.
I don't really shit my pants like that. You don't really? When you say you don't really, I mean, the last time I shit my pants was like sixth grade. It's not like I really shit my pants. Last year, carnivore diet shit my pants. By the way, as I was saying it, I realized that's a complete lie.
We've got to save the tails for the book. True. You should take this to Simon & Schuster. I'm going to write eight short stories of just one guy. You've got nothing on there. Take this to Simon & Schuster. I feel like there's guys that shit their pants a lot. Didn't Del Calo talk about it a lot? I think so. Dude, the stats on it are staggering, dude. It's like 10% of the adult population shits themselves every couple months. It's something insane. When's the last time you shat yourself? No.
I'm proud to be part of the 10%. You're a 10%er? Yeah, I'm a 10%er. And it happens so often I can't even recall the last time. Really? Yeah. But not like turds or nothing. Yeah, no one's dropping full logs. It's just diarrhea. I don't think I've ever dropped a full log, but I've squirted out some diarrhea probably on a once a month schedule. I bet you guys are shitting your pants at the creek and the cave a lot when you guys are out. Yeah, I probably have shit my pants. Lamar, why are you acting like this isn't you?
I don't shit my pants. When's the last time you did? Or just had a messy fart? That counts. A messy fart is what basically we're talking about. I try not to, like, fart. I fart in my sleep. This is...
You stink fucking rooms. You can't even think of it. Last week we stopped the podcast and he had his shit for a half an hour. We had to wait. He tried to go across the street. That was because I was poisoned by Nate. I feel like you have to be poisoned a lot. You got to get poisoned a lot. No, dude, I'm good at holding it and not pooing before I go out.
except for last week except for last week last week was a shame pool who's that two shit breaks try to go across the street to shit on the clock try to go across the street we had a bathroom right there like no no no you got a shit on how is it how was the episode received
I figured, right? Yeah, because it was supposed to be a Patreon episode. Yeah, I know. Me, Guard Dog, and we let the squad down a little. No, I don't think so at all. I thought we had it. I thought we had one. You guys went into the fucking... We were at Chappelle's. We had it.
we recorded it the ask is cry dude i'm so scared of asking i was so i've i've asked him i've asked chapelle to do so many things it's so it's so honorable to be like to go there and be like i'd literally rather shit my pants than be like hey can you do my podcast i was there i was like dave this is crazy feel free to say no we gotta do a podcast depends when you ask him yeah true yeah and
And then in the morning you go, there's no way he's going to do that. And then he was like, I don't want to do it. And I was like, fine. And then I waited like 20 minutes. I called him back and I was like, dude, dude, just do the fucking podcast. Podcasts are, dude, they're like fucking kind of swaying elections. It's not fucking...
But then we did it, and the audio is not Guard Dog's fault, but the audio is horrendous. Maybe we'll put it out on Patreon, but it's not. I listened to some. The audio was not. It's just, I was just nervous, and the conversation's just kind of me. It's one of those podcasts you do where you go, I'm just going to tell him these stories. I'm talking only to him. Yeah. Everybody that's listened to it has heard me tell these stories 900 times.
But I'm just trying to talk to him. I don't know. That makes sense. I don't... Ended up being a dud. You think so? All right. I mean, it's also fucking sick because it's, you know... Yeah. It's like Dave Chappelle talking to Mike. But the mic was on the bar and he was just walking around. Such a power move. So you can't really hear him. Yeah. He'll hop in sometimes. That's such a sick move, though. Yeah. Because he knows how mics work. Yeah, he's very familiar with mics.
Just asking him to keep it a fist away from his face. No one can do it. Literally, I'm just sitting there going, no one's going to be able to hear this. He's just walking around. It's such a sick move, though, to just be like, yeah, I'm going to take a fuck. Although maybe he's just used to being lobbed up. Yeah, I don't know. You should have lobbed him with the mic. I think he rightfully doesn't give a fuck at all. He just didn't give a fuck. And I was like, we're not going to film it. There's no video. Yeah.
That's sick. Cause he's always worried about getting clipped. Yeah. For sure. Everything he says, someone's going to clip. Yeah. True. And it's like, yeah, he's, he was, he was in the crossfire for a while or the crosshairs for a while there with Netflix.
He made out alright. I think he is every time he puts anything out. He's back in the crosshairs. They're on his fucking ass. I watched the Damon Wayans Club Shay Shay. He was basically saying Dave was the only one out of our group who just kept doing it. He goes, I can't do it anymore. All those guys, Steve Harvey, they're like, if I did a special right now, it would just ruin my whole life.
It's like, just do it, dude. Do it, Steve. Do it. Fucking do it. We actually talked about that. We talked about Steve Harvey for a little. Did you really? That's how great he is. He is the man. Yeah. Although he got a lot of people. People like to shit on Harvey, dude. He's the man. His morning show is so fucking good. I love his morning show. I didn't even know he had one. Huh? A morning show? Dude, he's got the biggest morning radio show. He's got like one of the biggest morning radio shows of like all time.
Yeah? Oh, yeah. What is it? What's it called? Steve Harvey in the morning. Steve Harvey in the morning? Is it on the radio? It's on the radio. It's on like FM radio. But it's like syndicated. Dude, he's got like... He's the radio god, dude. Steve Harvey in the morning? When was that? Is it still on? WD. It's on like old...
Like, you know, there's like Power 99, like young black people. He's on old black people radio, WDSF. I've never had access to old black people radio. It's fucking sick. It's all, it's like four songs. Central PA did not even close. It was, I mean, I remember being excited when we got Popped.
For real. We had country the whole time, and it was like, I didn't like it. Dude, WDSL. Weird classic rock, though. It's Brian McKnight 40,000 times a day, and then it's that one guy who goes, I can't stop loving you. That plays 1,000 times, and then it's just Steve Harvey all morning. It's two songs and Steve Harvey. Steve Harvey rules.
Yeah, he does roll. This episode is brought to you by Amazon MGM Studios' new movie, The Accountant 2. In theaters April 25th, Ben Affleck and Jon Bernthal, two absolute legends, are back in action. This time, some dude gets whacked, leave behinds a puzzle, and Affleck's Christian Wolfe has to crunch the numbers to figure out who's behind it.
He's also teaming up with his long-lost and seriously lethal brother, Brax, a.k.a. Jon Bernthal. These two? Lethal. Also surprisingly funny. If you've got a brother, you're going to relate.
minus, you know, the insane combat skills. Trust me. This is an R-rated action thriller that you've got to experience on the big screen. The Accountant 2, only in theaters April 25th. Get tickets now at theaccountant2movie.com. Club Shay Shay, man. How long can it go, dude? I think he's trying to recapture the Cat Williams episode, but like...
Because you can tell he wants the beef, dude. He wants... Nobody wants all the smoke. I got to ask to do club cha-cha. I was wondering about that. When's it coming? I didn't... I'm not... You have to do cha-cha. I'm just going to say my friend Matt's a Hollywood pedophile. That's all I'm going to do. He's going to go, what? I'm going to say, yeah. Don't talk about that. You got to do cha-cha. No, I just... I would love to. Whenever I'm... Hopefully I can be in town for it. Where is he...
Where is Shay Shay? I don't know. They were talking about doing it in Vegas at one point. Dang. But I don't know where it is. Me either. It's probably LA or Atlanta. I was thinking. Why don't you find that out? Yeah, where do they film Shay Shay? Yeah, I've been checking. I can probably get in there. Bro. I'll go full Catwoman. You got it. You got it. LA? Yeah.
Damn, Shay Shay would be sick. I don't head out L.A. way very often. You got to do it. I noticed Andrew Schultz was in a... He did like a lot. He did this one podcast where he had to like... It was like him versus... It was like him just versus like four black dudes and they're trying to attack him for... I don't know if that was a whole thing. Oh, it was Ryan Clark. Who was that? Ryan Clark. He's actually the man. Yeah. He's lib, but he's a good bro. He's a good bro. Yeah. Yeah, they were trying to get him and he was like, dude, you've literally had people... That thing he said about like...
He's like, you literally have people on here beating black women. Well, we pressed him on it, but they asked to edit it, so we let them. That was pretty smart of him. It was funny, though, just watching him do battle, just black podcast battle is pretty sick. Schultz will go in. He did. He fully did. It was fun to watch because I was following it loosely, and I was like, damn, they're fucking really giving it to him. It's tough to go in there and battle. But if you have, he had the...
Yeah, the Trump card. Going into a black podcast and battling is nuts, dude. Yeah, dude. If you get me on Breakfast Club or any of these, I'm going to be like, fucking, yeah, I hate racism. Fucking Trump racist piece of shit. I like Biden. That's the funniest first thing. I like Biden. Obviously, I hate racism. Like, we didn't ask you any questions. I hate racism. And yeah, Kamala Harris was great.
Although they could goad you into an epic white spaz. That show is designed to evoke crazy white spaz. I don't think they would give me a spaz, but I think they would get me to finally be like... What you're saying is wrong.
They'll bring the lady. That lady who zooms in is the, she's like an agent. Oh yeah. On Breakfast Club? Yeah. It's not Angela Yee, is it? No. Who is it? No, it's just this lady who zooms in. I know who it is.
They bring her in for a rum swap. She zooms into battle like Ramaswami. Ramaswami eats her lunch. They always have Ramaswami, and he fucks her up. Well, to be fair, she has... To be fair, she's arguing with zero facts, which is impressive. She just cuts off. She just cuts off and just goes, like, does the classic, like, no, no, no, just answer my question. You're like, yeah, well, obviously. You're like, okay, that's all I got to say. You're like, what the fuck? Arguing with zero facts? Yeah.
Come on, man. What? She does. I've watched like four interviews. It's so funny. Did you see The View? Did you tell me ladies argue with zero effects? True. That kind of is their thing. Fuck yeah. They're just nothing but Doctor Strange portals the whole time. You're like, wait a second. How the fuck did we get to this subject? Where am I?
But yeah, that was kind of my week at YouTube. How was fucking... I had a great week. Yeah, how was the fucking ranch? Chappelle's was fucking awesome. It sounded sick as hell. First night, some members of Wu-Tang were there and performed. That's awesome. And then we got to hand... Talib Kweli was up there. That was good. Nice. Uh...
Sick. It was awesome. I mean, it was the whole time. And I brought Guard Dog and James came the next day. And rightfully, they were nervous to be like, holy shit, we're going to hang out with Dave Chappelle. I was telling them the whole time, I was like, wait till you meet this guy. He's literally the nicest. Yeah. Yeah.
Dude, two people have truly stunned me. Louis C.K., I was like, whatever. I couldn't think. I was like, holy fuck, dude. And then when you did that show in the garden, I was just in the same room as Dave Chappelle. And as soon as he was like, how you doing? I was like, oh, fuck. Completely blanked out. I was like, dude, whatever. I'm pretty normal, pretty natural. No, I just added a third to the people that have stunned me. Who? Kaitlyn Clark, dude. What? Kaitlyn Clark was at the show. I don't know if she was a fan or her boyfriend. I don't know who she was.
But before the show, we were in Indianapolis on Saturday. And we were like, this is the house that Caitlin Clark built. We were talking about the Pacers arena. And then we were at lunch. And I was like, it'd be fucking sick if Caitlin Clark came to the show. That'd be nice. Yeah, it'd be awesome. And I was pacing back and forth between the show and the green room. And then Caitlin Clark walked by. Dude, that's just where she paces, too. And I was like, do you want to hang out in the green room? She was like, yeah, sure. What? Yeah.
That's sick. And I walked in and I was like... Also, James brought his friend to fly back with us to Austin, who's a priest. Okay. Which is great. He was awesome. But I did have a priest in the green room. It was me, Big Jay, who Soder was making fun of, looks like my goth stylist. And my road priest. Yeah.
Road priests would be sick. I'm having to explain to people, like, I don't bring a priest all the time. Caitlin Clark, I don't bring a chaplain on the road. Kind of the move, though. But yeah, she was one I was like...
Got me a little. If you start moving like a military platoon, like you have a chaplain, you have a coach. Chaplain. Cook. God, stylist. Dude, you had Kaitlin Clark, a priest. That's like a... It sounds like a bar joke. It really is. It's like an Australian, a priest, and Kaitlin Clark walked into a green room. Green room and watched me play UFC. You should have had either Nate LeMay or just walked by her and go... Yeah.
Space Invaders. That'd be a sick Space Invaders. You're Caitlyn Clark. You're a battle. Black ladies popping you.
Yeah, I had another good invite to the green room, which was very fun. So in Columbus, right before we were leaving the green room, a bunch of the Columbus Blue Jackets wives came back to say hi. So it was literally just four professional athletes. Wives came walking back. Literally, first thing I said, I was like, what are you guys doing here?
Because there were no husbands. For sure. It was literally just four beautiful women. Yeah. I was like, what? Can I help you? For real, what are you guys doing here? And they're like, can we get a picture? I was like, yeah. And then I was trying to be polite, but it looked like I was being a sex pervert. How so? I was like, do you guys want to, there's drinks in there if you guys want to hang out. And they're like, no, we're all right. I was like, if you want, you can hang out. And then I walked away like, probably looked like a fucking psycho. Yeah.
It was being hospitable, but I get it. I know, I know, but when it's four hot ladies and you're like, do you guys want to hang out in the green room? You guys want some alcohol now? There's alcohol in there. If you guys need anything, I got it, you know. Yeah. There's chicken tenders and nachos and Bud Light if you guys want it. You know, typical hot lady stuff. We got an Xbox and chicken fingers. Where were their hubbies?
I don't know. Maybe they were on the road. Maybe the Blue Jackets, they were probably in a way game. Oh, I got what you're saying. So they weren't like out, like, you know, they were not there for real. Must have been rained out or some shit. Dang. So they were not there at all. That's a Biggie Smalls reference. What was? What I said, must have been rained out. Biggie Smalls talking about the rain out? Yeah, nothing.
It's a song he sings about fucking an NBA player's wife. Oh, Jesus. And then the NBA player comes home. He's like, what happened? He's like, I don't know. Shit must have been rained out or something. Which one? I don't know. You're just talking about refreshment. Cool refreshments. Now you're like, yeah, fucking. Yeah, the players are gone and the wives. And the wags, when the players are gone, the wags will play. Yeah.
The wags of Columbus. Come play. Then they saw her like, damn, he has the queen babe of the Midwest here. No, that was the next night. That was Indianapolis. Oh, it's Indianapolis. Yeah, in the house that Kalen built. I forgot you're the aviator, dude. You're jumping. Yeah, jumped. So you were in, how long did they hang? They just came back to peek on you? Like, what was up?
That's not on you. Literally just came back for a picture and then left. It was just one of those things where I was like, do you guys want to hang out? Yeah. No, we have to leave. And I was like, you could hang out. There's a giant couch right there. Dang, dudes. Who are the Blue Jackets? NHL. I got you. NHL. That sounds like one of those. Pretty sick name, though, because it's for the Union. Is that what that's for? Civil War, yeah. Okay. Okay. What did they change it from? The Gray Jackets? Well, that was the Atlanta team, and they got canceled.
So they're the Union Blue Jackets. Yeah. That's cool. Yeah, it's like a cannon. There's a logo. It's pretty sight. I think they actually have like a pretend yellow jacket, like a wasp that's blue. I was wondering. I thought it was some sort of bee reference. I was like, I got to get up on my fucking bees. I was like, what kind of, what's a blue jacket? I was trying to imagine like a blue bee. I was like, I don't know if I know about that. Damn, that sounds like a good weekend.
Great weekend. Very chill weekend. Got to take it. LeMaire, you'll like it. We went to St. Elmo's Steakhouse in Indianapolis. And the whole time I was like, I can't wait until these guys get this fucking cocktail sauce. Yeah, the horse. It's devastating. I was like, I cannot wait. And then the waiter comes over and I was like, don't, you know, don't spoil it. He was like, it's the hottest cocktail sauce in the world. And I was like, that was what I was talking about. The fuck? I tried it when I was there. Guard dog cowered it out.
Admit you coward. It's not that. Dude, it comes with it. And we kept being like, all right, dude, get it for real. We've all done it. Like, I got it and almost died. Yeah. And then Guard Dog took a big one, and I was like, all right, this is it. As soon as he picks it up, 90% falls off. He's like, what? I did it. This isn't true. And everybody at the table, everyone at the table gave you guff. He ashed the shrimp. Yeah, he ashed it.
Dude, it only passes so fast. I must have had about six or seven shrimps. You did have a lot, but you kept not putting the cocktail sauce on it. No, it was on it. You were glazed? He would take some off, and then he'd go, I'm Zandini, it doesn't affect me. Oh, man. He goes, yeah, because you're not doing it. You got to scoop it, dude. I had a lot. It hurt my belly really bad. Everyone in the squad got sick. I was fine. I was like, I was born in this darkness. Yeah.
I don't like horseradish. It just, like, hits your nose and then goes away. It was so yummy. It was so good. I don't like it, man. I like habanero. I like peppers. I went to St. Elmo's and just kind of, like, bothered them. I was like, I just want to have the shrimp thing, and I ate that and left. Upon your recommendation. I mean, eating the whole thing, and that's tough. Who was I with? Maybe...
Was that an indie? Yes, that was the place we went there. I had one of those. Yeah, those were nuts. Yeah. Not for me. Yeah, it'll fuck you up. Good for the science. It's great for the science. Me and Lamise went to town on them. Me and Lamise went nuts on them. Then I went to the airport the next day and there's one there and I ate some at the airport. I ate some before departure at like 11 a.m. I was like,
And it's one of those like where the restaurant's like basically in the walkway. Like there's just a tiny fence separating you. So people were just walking by at 11 a.m. I'm like, fuck. Just going back for it. Just kept going for it. I don't know. Horse rash doesn't fuck my stomach up.
Yeah, I was probably just nervous. I feel like the spice just goes away right away. It does. That's what I'm saying. And it doesn't affect me. Like, if I eat, like, really spicy food, that can fuck you up. Oh, for sure. But yeah, that stuff, I mean, to ash a shrimp of cocktail sauce. That's disrespectful. It's crazy. I think the last time you did it, it was a mistake, but a big glob fell off.
And everyone at the table knows. But then I would scoop it with the crackers and eat it that way. Yeah, but with the crackers, it's easier. That's what the crackers are there for. That's fair. I mean, you, and then bragging while you were doing it, saying you're Zandini. This is nothing to me. I'm Zandini. What's that website where you can order, like, food? You hate how Zen I am. What's, like, the Uber Eats where you can send a dish from, like, across the country? I forget. Golden House or something? Gold Belly. We got a Gold Belly. What is this? What is this called?
What is this? This is a behind the music downfall. Because I'm finding out about a lot of rich things. I'm just finding out about rich things. I just found out about auctions that you can buy from people's estates. I told you about the OJ. Oh, estate sales are sweet. I bought a bunch of the OJ gear. Huh? I didn't tell you this? I thought you were talking about estate sales on the corner where you can just go to a dead guy's house and buy his chair. No. Not like a yard sale. Like a garage sale. No. Literally like OJ Simpson's estate auctioned a bunch of his stuff. What?
I got it. You got some of his stuff? Mm-hmm. What'd you get? The other glove? They were up for sale. What? There was a couple sets with gloves. I did not get them. I got all of his ties, though. You got OJ Simpson's ties? I got his tie collection.
Dude, if you wear his ties and gold bellies in cocktail sauce. Yeah, exactly. And now I've got to find out what this gold belly is. I can ship that stuff to my house? Yes. You can get food from anywhere. Anywhere, bro. Anywhere. But I think it's like frozen, though. It's frozen. That would be fine if it's shrimps, but wrong. Shrimps would be easy. All you need is the sauce. You could get like a cheese stick from Philadelphia. I'll probably stick with Chipotle bowls. Yeah. Yeah, true. I was talking to... Who are we kidding?
I was talking to like one of our friends and they were, he was, he was putting me on a gold belly a couple months ago. And he's like, dude, we're going to get this cake made out of donuts. And he's like, tell me all the shit he was going to get. And then like within the next, we like changed topics. He's like, dude, tell me I have fucking high blood pressure. It's like,
It's probably just genetics on it. It could be a donut cake. You had somebody fly to your house. It was killing me. He's like, yeah, I mean, it's just, you know, you can't really do anything about it. It's like, bro, you're scheming across. You're like trafficking fucking donut cakes. Such a sick move, though, to be like, bro, it's out of my hands. I don't know. But anyway, this gold belly. I'm going to get a cheesesteak from Philadelphia sent to my house. That's another one. Yeah, I'm fully against this. Yeah.
You do got to make... A cheesesteak is the easiest. It's like dry ice or whatever. And then you just take it out. Whip it up. It has all the ingredients put together and you make it out. Have you ever gold-bellied? Yeah, gold-bellied this shit I saw on Top Chef. It was like cheeseburger dumplings. It was fire. It was fire. You did gold-bellying so funny. Yeah. It's like price... It was like 60 bucks. Like...
Yeah. Nothing crazy. It's like FedEx next day delivery with dry ice, basically. Basically. It's like Uber Eats prices. Yeah. You just have to make it. The fact you got to cook it kind of pisses me off. I think they're fibbing. Huh? I think they're fibbing. You think it's fibbing? Yeah. I think they're fibbing. What do you think he's fibbing about? Oh, you think that he's... I think you're getting a cheesesteak from fucking down the street. It's like Uber Eats ghost kitchen. Yeah, it's probably a ghost kitchen that sends it to your house with dry ice.
It was good. Like, the sauce was, it tasted high-end. It was just worrying about the dry ice for the next part. I didn't know what to do with a box of dry ice. You should have thrown in the hummus encampment. This was back in Jersey. I got this, that's how years ago. Dang, you were on the frontier of Gold Belly. Yeah, yeah, OG Gold Belly. I think I saw like a half-four watching Top Chef. Yeah, I heard about this, and it was cracking me up to be like, dude.
I don't know. I think it just takes all the joy out of it. It's like, you know, especially if you want something. Yeah. If I want to feel like a cheesesteak from Philadelphia, then it just sits in dry ice and I have to assemble it myself. It's like, you know, dude, just fucking go take a walk, man. Go outside. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. These days, you have to be smart with your money. If you're going to make a big purchase, you got to make it count. What's something you bought?
Dude, I just invested in two bug tanks. I got two bug tanks from National Geographic. So they have a little magnifying glass on them. I got not one, but two. What type of bugs are you going to put in there? Right now, we've only gotten some roly polies.
So you can throw them in there, create their natural habitat, and you can kind of like... I'd like to see what roly-polies are up to. Bro, I got... I catch like... Me and my daughters catch like four roly-polies a day and put them in my garden. It's really nice. It's awesome. I have so many roly-polies. So yeah, I got... The bug tank's nice, man. Because otherwise, you got to carry them in your... You ever try to carry a roly-poly in your hand for like... They fucking... They're escape artists. Yeah.
So, yeah, I got some bug tanks. It's been, you know, 30 years. Yeah, yeah. Since I've tried. It's just as hard. They escape. So... I bought a bug light. You got a bug light? I got a bug zapper out there that's...
Kind of the opposite of what you're doing, but just as fun. You're battling. You sit in the hot tub and all of a sudden. God damn. You get some of these big bugs out here. My dad's big on bugs. When they die, they go. You hear them hit the fucking bug light and they go, Jesus. God damn. Another great investment.
Taking care of yourself. You're talking about these bugs. Why don't you think about that? Why don't you think about yourself? Traditional therapy can get crazy expensive, though, like between $100 to $250 a month or more or something like that. Therapy is worth it, though. And you do have options like BetterHelp, the help with the bed on it. It could help you save up to 50% per session while getting you the help you need. I've had a lot of sessions where I think about myself and take care of myself. I like therapy because...
I've benefited from therapy. Yeah, I think it's nice. I think it's a nice thing to do. Everyone could learn something from therapy.
Yeah, you can just learn how... Because it teaches you positive coping skills. Like how dumb your family is. And set boundaries. How you're doomed. Yeah, basically you get on a Zoom call and you talk about how dumb your family is. Hate to break it to you, your family are idiots and you're doomed. With BetterHelp, you can work toward being the best version of yourself while saving money. And because everything is online, it's easier to get into a session with your schedule. I love getting online sessions. Love that. With just a few clicks, you can be talking to one of their therapists. You can even switch therapists at any time for any reason.
Your well-being is worth it. Visit BetterHelp.com slash MSSP to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash MSSP. And also, you can't use the tokens for those either. No tokens. I tried. You cannot use tokens. You're stuck with those. You made a mistake. You bought some tokens. But you can talk to BetterHelp to help with the beta on it. About that. BetterHelp to help with the beta on it.
Hello everybody, pardon the interruption. This is Sean Gardini. I just wanted to let you know that Matt McCusker will be performing in San Antonio this weekend, Thursday through Saturday, April 10th through April 12th at the LOL Comedy Club. That's short for Laugh Out Loud. Matt McCusker will be in San Antonio this weekend. If you want to get tickets, go to mattmccusker.com.
Also, I, Sean Gardini, will be at Helium Comedy Club in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania on May 6th. It's coming up, so please get tickets if you can. I, Sean Gardini, will be at Helium Comedy Club in Philadelphia on May 6th. I'm coming back to Philadelphia. All of our friends will be there. It'll be a nice time.
And that's a Gardini guarantee. So please, if you want to come to those shows, get tickets at SeanGardini.com. Please come if you can. Thank you. And lastly, Shane Gillis will be in Cleveland, Ohio and Washington, D.C. this weekend. Tickets for those shows, if they're not sold out, are available at ShaneMGillis.com. Thank you for your time. Pardon the interruption. Now let's get back to the show. ♪
But yeah, I don't really, I don't hanker for stuff like that. I could eat this. I could honestly eat the same thing every day and be fine. Give me fuel. Give me fire. Give me that. Maybe I won't. Chipotle bowl. You should go buy Chipotle from Philly. Ooh, maybe get the worst Chipotle. I only want Chipotle made by black teenagers with disdain.
I want to hate in every scoop. You order extra guac and it comes back, it's that much, you go, perfect, perfect. I'm furious. What's this, Jess Romaine? Perfect. I didn't ask for that.
That's so fucking good. Can you guys... May or nay, can you guys acknowledge what you've done to our Chipotle? What you're... Hold on. You guys put a lot on us. All right? We get a lot of guff. The way we took rock and roll and ruined it. Can you guys admit you took Chipotle from us and absolutely nosedived it? To be fair... Hold on. True, true, true. Come on.
It's not the black people. This is Hispanics. Is that? No, I'll say this. I'll say this. You're out of your mind. Oh, I'm not going to blame. She got to pass on the book. What? Wait, have you ever tried to go over the back of the house? I can guarantee it's front of the house. They got caught being racist. You're pulling a copy and racist.
The portions. They were being racist with the portions. Yes. What, they're giving the honkeys small portions? Yes. I swear to God. I don't know. I didn't need an article or a court case. I lived it. I lived it. And I had a march. I arranged a march. We did Selma across the bridge by 30th Street Station in Philadelphia.
Yeah. ERC resume testing investigation finds racial disparities at Chipotle restaurants. Jesus Christ. Yeah, bro.
You guys took from us everything, dude. You took Chipotle. That's such a small lick. No, that's huge. I'll be back to my life constantly. Sorry, I got to be fair. This is not about portions. This is about there being way more white managers at Chipotle. I take that back. Hold on. You saw that article and were like, I know it's about portions. I swear to God, I saw... I swear to God, I saw...
Matt, I believe you 100%. They definitely fuck us on the portions. Dude, maybe it's not Chipotle, but I swear to God, one of those build-your-own-things came under investigation because they were giving white people less portions. I swear to God. I swear to God. You head into a sweet green in Philly. God bless. Good luck, dude. What do you mean? They're going to fuck you in your face. You're going to stand there and go, I got extra chicken. They're going to go.
Yeah. There's one more piece. Oh, I would mad dog him and go make a triple then and just be like, let's get the beat going. I also, I'm not bragging, but if it's like a slightly older fat black lady, I can definitely massage some extra portions.
I'm pretty good at it. I'm pretty good at it. Oh, God bless. On the first one, you go, God bless you. Oh, man, God bless you. Then they'll hit you. Can I get double? They hit you with double. You go, oh, my God, you're the best. Thank you so much. Because I face, you know, I face discrimination as well while at the other side of the counter and being like, you know, now I really got to, you know, you got to sing and dance for them to get your portion. You got to run.
That's what a white man has to do to get a portion. It's like a jungle sometimes. Can a white man get his macros? Let a white man get his fucking protein. I really hope I got this right about Chipotle. Allegedly. I mean, it is Chipotle, dude. I know. Sweetgreen's crazy. Dude, it's like a teaspoon of sweet. Don't order Sweetgreen.
Don't worry. You got to go in the building to get it. I've ordered sweet green and gotten just lettuce. Yeah. I go to sweet green. I have the white panthers behind me. Yeah, the white panthers coming in. Just filming.
Sorry, they're not called the White... They're not called the White Panthers. I didn't even think about that. I didn't even think about that. I forgot we already had a group. Although, do we even have a group anymore? I don't think we even have that many groups anymore.
I'm going to get a sit-in and go on a Chipotle. I'm going to fucking sit at the bar and go, I'm not leaving. I'm going to get bit by a dog. Chipotle. You're going to get bit by a fucking fat gender studies major. Actually, you think that's better? No.
I swear to God this is true. I got to call Spud. Spud told me about this. Oh, man. He's a member of the White Panthers. The White Panther Party. God damn it, dude. Anyways. I'm still not accountable. What? I didn't get one apology out of you guys. I want it from LeMayor.
Le Maire's the most stubborn. He's a mule. He's a donkey. He's just a little donkey. I got to say, most recently, the most recent Chipotle's I've been has been full of honks. Those are good Chipotles. I don't know, man. What was that, Nate? He said, they're pretty good Chipotles. Chipotle's around the hour pretty much. They're pretty good lad heavy, though.
Ladd-Heavy's great, of course. Chipotle faced a viral backlash in a shareholder lawsuit over inconsistent portion sizes at his restaurants. I do remember that. They were getting in trouble for their portions. That was one of the few news stories I've followed. Oh, Chipotle's in the news.
Yeah, so. Every once in a while Chipotle will be in the news for like a, is it E. coli or Ebola? Yeah, dude. E. coli outbreak. And I go, I'm going today. You got to buy low. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I go, they're going to have to buy the dip on this Chipotle. True. They're going to be dishing out the portions. Yep. And then you go in after holding them down through the whole E. coli outbreak and being like. How are you rewarded? Yeah, I was here the whole time. You hit with a half a ladle of meat. You go, bro, look me in the eye.
Look me in the eye with that half. If you're going to fuck me, look me in the eyes when you fuck me. Yeah, if you're going to ash the ladle, dude. Worse than ashing the shrimp. When they go like that, it's like, bro, why? Why? I know. Is it your chicken? Are you taking it like... Yeah, half of this is fucking... Give me the fucking chicken. Half of this is soybeans anyway. Just fucking give me all of that. Yeah, their pork was apparently, for a while, I believe they had like... Their chicken had soy for some... I don't know. Maybe it was like the sauce or something. But the pork was just...
The carnitas was so good. And that's a lot of times. You've got to eye the meat levels, too, and go, oh, steak's looking a little low. I don't see that guy working on it in the back. Let me get the chicken because they've got to ration out the steak. You know, you do got to move around there, too. But I feel your pain. How do you feel about cava?
I don't do that. That's crazy. I can't believe you're about to be against Kava. I think it's all right. Oh, good. I think it's all right. I don't. Oh, man, I'm getting Kava. I'm going to order Kava right now. That is that is white rebellion against Chipotle to order Kava. How about some hummus? What do you keep your fucking ball? I'm going to Kava right now. What was it? You have something negative to say about Kava?
Kava's just like poop fuel. But kava's like, it like speeds it up. That's great. You don't like dropping a kava pile? A kava pile? Build a great pyramid? Kava's not bad. If I'm near my parents' house and I got an Uber Eats, I'll get a kava. I don't think they have the Chipotle near them. But kava's alright. I don't know, man. Something about their hummus I don't really fucks with.
Hummus has been sitting. Really? Hummus has been chilling. Yeah, especially when you take hummus too. I think hummus can chill. It can, but it's just like, I don't know, something about it. I don't love hummus. I like the hot hummus they have there. Yes, that stuff is good. I always get that as well. Tasty stuff. Just build your own bowls. Dude, I actually, I had a million dollar idea about restaurants. Have you considered starting a viral, just like a chain restaurant?
I have not. Dude. I don't want to get into any bar or restaurant bullshit. Dude, you're talking about like you're calling Wahlburgers fucking bullshit, dude? How dare you? Apparently Wahlburgers is good. I've never had one. Wahlburgers is fucking rules, dude. I've heard it's really good. Wahlburgers was my spot, dude. But I was thinking instead of Shake Shack, you start a restaurant that it's only standing counters and it's just the thinnest shitty steaks. So instead of a burger, you get a thin six-ounce steak and beans.
And there's only cold beers. Cold beer is the only refreshment. If you're a girl, you can have white claws. Not bad. Yeah. You do a fast food steakhouse of just stand only and eat steaks on a counter and eat beans and drink beer. Yeah. You're sick. I'm interested. Not bad. I'm interested. What's it called? Steak and beans. It's called steak and beans. No, but it would be Shane Gillis presents steak and beans. Steak and beans. Steak and beans.
Oh, you're talking about this strictly my diet? Yeah. Is that what you're actually doing? Steak, beans, and beer, and you stand at the counter and eat it? Yeah.
And then every thing, there'd be a little razzle dazzle where we'd just get some crazy Lambo in every parking lot, parked crooked. And then you'd go, people working there would be like, yo, Shane's actually upstairs. He's upstairs just taking a nap. If you wait, he'll be down to eat steak and beans. He personally managed to go back upstairs. That'd be kind of sick, though.
It's just like the corner of like 23rd and Sampson in Philly just like Shake Shack, but you walk in It's just all people standing ice-cold lagers wearing Philly like right where Shake Shack is that like like 22nd and Sampson like a corner But it's just you go. It's fast. No bullshit. It's just steak and there's like two or three types of beans And it's like give her a steak at like a Mexican restaurant. Yeah, it's like it's not like the prime. It's just like a fucking thin Yeah, just like almost gray just a shitty a very bad stick. Yeah
Sometimes, though, it can be good. Yeah. But, yeah. It's a cafeteria burger. Yeah. You can do the Salisbury. You can do the Salisbury. Salisbury steak. Salisbury steak and beans. I had some beans last week. Did you really? Kind of beans? Just so you know. Just baked beans. You guys can laugh all you want, dude. Beans. Baked beans rock, dude.
You don't understand this. I ate those beans so you all could run, dude. I was in Philly eating beans and now look at us. We made it off the beans, dude. Trust me. We wouldn't be here without Bush's baked beans from my parents' house that I drove two hours to get and drove back to Philly with a grocery bag of baked beans and chunky soup.
It's going to be the new margarita veil, dude. Steak and beans. You sure? Delicacy could be some chunky soup. Dang, just like a serve yourself ladle of some chunky? Bro, just nothing but diarrhea. Yeah, you're going to get diarrhea. It's actually like a cleanse. Yeah, true.
Oh, that was also since Steak. And also, you don't get to play, but we do have Xbox there. Yeah. We're going to hire another big guy to just play Xbox. Go like Disney World was animatronic. Like the Chuck E. Cheese guy. It's just a guy playing Xbox. That's gay. That's gay. Nice kids.
True, you can use AI to hear stuff that's like slightly sus and is like an animatronic like Chuck E. Cheese type. It's like, that's actually very gay. Back to the game. Yeah. We get the whole band though. We get all the boys. Or just live stream your seasons where you're playing and they just broadcast it, the fucking MLB show. I do like the Chuck E. Cheese animatronic though of these three coming out. You on the flute, animatronic Matt on the flute, you three in the back playing keyboards and shit. Yeah.
Tony bro's a million dollar deal. It is you fucking steak and beans Ice cold beer the coldest beer allowed by law don't talk about that I'm talking borderline slushy. Don't talk about that. I get brewskis tomorrow. I'm trying to stay off the brewskis I got I gotta wait till tomorrow and I know I got a six pack of BLs in that fridge. I
Oh, man. Where are you going tomorrow? I got to go to Pittsburgh. I got a long ass fucking week. I got to go to Pittsburgh. And then I'm going to stay in Pittsburgh Thursday, Cleveland Friday, D.C. Saturday, and then Sunday I'm going to go to the Masters. What? Yes. That'll be sick. And they gave me one extra ticket. And they were like, my manager was like, you should take Gerben. He loves golf. I was like, that hang is going to suck dick.
And I called him because he loves golf. So I called him and I was like, bro, I got us tickets to the Masters on Sunday, which is that's the day. Yeah. And he was like, oh, my God. Well, I was like, all you have to do is drink six beers. And he was like, I can't do it. What? I just I can't. I don't know what to tell you. I can't do it. He was practicing. He does drink. He's just a little fuck.
What? Everybody that talks to me is like, yeah, Gervin was wrecked. I saw him. I'm like, that fucking asshole won't drink with me.
Why? He does every single time. He always drinks. Yeah, you're going to get him a drink. But he's always a little reluctant baby. Yeah. I can't do that. I can't do it with you, Shane. I thought he was drinking two beers a night and practicing. He was drinking three Bud Lights and watching the Phillies. That was last baseball season. I'm sure this baseball season, especially the Phillies, are off to a red hot start. Yeah, so what's going on with him? He's just being a baby. He just does that. Yeah. It's like his nature. Yeah. To be like, I'll take you to the Masters if you drink a six pack of light beer throughout the day. It's like six hours. Yeah, it's not that bad.
It's nothing. Yeah. And he's like, I just can't. And I don't want to bring you down. I know you're going to have fun on the trip. He's got to do it. I was like, you have one hour to respond. And I hung up. And then he never responded. So I was like, you're coming. I got you the ticket. That's so fucking funny. He called my bluff. That's so funny.
So me and Gervie Babies at the Masters. I had to buy outfits. Oh, yeah, you can. I had to buy, yeah, you can't wear this. What do you got to wear? Like a polo? You got to kind of wear, yeah. I just got to find pants that aren't jeans. Go to Dick's. I'll go to Dick's Sporting Goods. Yeah, get some golf pants from Dick's. I ordered a bunch of Under Armour golf gear, but I hope it's not skin tight because I'm not wearing tight pants and walking around all day in fucking Georgia. Yeah.
I didn't even think about it from that angle. Yeah. When you said the Masters, I didn't think you'd maybe be walking around in tight pants in Georgia the whole time. Yeah. I think it'll actually be nice weather, though. Probably. Can you look that up? Yeah. Augusta weather Sunday. Oh, dude. Just having that loom over the gerbs all day of just the ice hitting his cup and going. I'm going to make sure I ruin this experience. I'm bringing him there to ruin the Masters.
69. Oh, that's going to be perfect. That's good fucking steak and beans weather, honestly. Yeah, for real. I might treat myself to some steak and beans down a gust of way. I mean, you might as well take the shot. If you think I'm not eating beans at the Masters and then hitting a fucking Irish space shuttle, yo. Did you hear Billy and Spud talking about your dad used to call port-a-potties Irish space shuttles? Yeah.
Irish space shuttles is so fucking funny. Boy, I bet the Masters has good shuttles. Oh, probably. They probably got those trailers. Yeah, they probably got the trailers. I don't know, though. It's a lot of fucking people out there. Yeah, you're right. People get wrecked at the Masters? Isn't that supposed to be like a... I would imagine, dude. Dude, golfers are, no offense to them, but total degenerates. For sure. So they're going to be... Yeah, people are going to be fucking hammered. But I'm sure they are. But I feel like that's the one. It's like...
I don't know if it's going to be like Kentucky Derby where everyone just gets dressed up and gets fucking obliterated. Yeah. I feel like golfers, this is Mecca. This is like a genuine. True. But in honor to order or the golf gods, you do get wrecked, but I'm sure they're very strict about it there.
What'd they say? This says you're allowed to drink, of course, at the Masters, but it couldn't be more opposite than the Waste Management Invitational. Yeah, the Waste Management's intentionally you just get fucked up. Oh, really? Yeah, it's awesome. They build, like, a stadium around the course. And they just get fucking hammered. Like, they build, like, big stands. Oh, like NASCAR-looking thing? Kind of, yeah, on certain holes. I think the 17th. I think the 17th at the Waste Management.
What's the waste management thing? That's just like a tournament? It's just a PGA tournament in Phoenix. Dang. People go nuts there. People get probably quiet. I mean, dude, those scotch and sodas are probably going around. You'll see a lot of red faces. Towards the end of it, people are going to be probably pretty shitty. But you got to be quiet. That's the problem. So you can't be like, Steve, drink a fucking beer.
You're fucking pussy. And you move. Like, if you're the crowd at the Masters. Yeah, you got to walk around. Yeah. Hole to hole. Some people post up. Yeah. You get a good spot at a hole. Just chill. Just chill. I don't know how you don't get fucking obliterated at this thing. Yeah. Just sitting outside in a beautiful area. Yeah. Just waiting for another golfer to come by. Bro, I'm telling you. Just sit. Just stand there all day. Not even watching, but waiting for golf. It'd be insane.
Yeah, I think... I don't give a fuck about golf. Yeah. It's fun to be there and play. It'll be cool watching people that good at it from like a close shoot from a close range. That'll be really sick. Kirby's is going to be... He'll be in heaven. He's going to be in heaven. I heard he's got the golf... Doesn't he have the indoor golf setup? Yeah. It's so fucking funny. He's spending his tires money on a sick indoor golf thing in his garage. The video of him practicing is so funny. Losing his club into the trees. Oh.
One time we were at the bar and he was like, he just, he's always, he's one of those guys that once he started playing golf, it's the only fucking thing he talks about. Yeah. Literally, it's the only thing he talks about at all fucking times. And we're at the bar and he was like, could you put on the tournament? And they're like, sure. So we're just watching golf and he's like,
God, I'd just love to be like a commentator for one of these things. I think I could do it. I was like, well, it's on mute now. Just commentate. Just commentate now. And I made him sit next to me and commentate on the golf. It was so good. He's like, Rory, Rory, he's looking good today. That was a good shot. And it's good for him. So the next golfer is...
It was just because he was like, that's my dream. And then I made him do it. And I was like, see how bad you are? He's ruined his dream. You can't do your dream. Yeah. I mean, on the spot in a bar commentating golf would be so fucking hard. It's impossible, but he went for it. He believed in himself. That's good.
What was he like? Oh, Rory, taking it out of the nine iron. Here we go. Yeah, he was trying his best. Yeah, that's a good choice for club. Should it be the course layout that's a bit of a dog leg to the right? I don't know. Does he go golfing a lot or does he stay? Yeah, he goes. Well, he's up in PA now, so he's been on the indoor for a while. But I'm sure he's ready to break loose. Spring has sprung. True. The Gerbys is out.
And Westchester has nice courses. Yeah. I'm actually pretty happy to hear about it. He's just crushing the indoor. Indoor golf is kind of, that screen is fun. After a little, yeah. Well, yeah, I mean, if you had one. It gets pretty old. Yeah, I guess, right. I got to do it for like 20 minutes at one time. I'm like, this is fucking fun. Yeah, hitting a golf ball is fun. Yeah. Although my, when I was doing it, it wasn't like picking up on the screen. It was pissing me off.
But you're supposed to keep the front foot stable, I've learned. Yeah, I don't believe in those screens. You think they're just fucking... Yeah. That makes sense. I think they're crud. Yeah, being like, bro, you crushed that fucking 200 yards. Yeah, why don't you keep playing? This is the best round of your life. Put 20 bucks in. Yeah. They have the indoor... They have that indoor... You think that's fixed? Indoor golf league?
yeah that shit's terrible yeah they're trying to make a big trying to push it espn's really pushing it yeah but i mean if you think about it from a it's so nice because it's like you just put some cameras let them hit the screen you're like holy shit yeah and god and it really is like guys who like to watch golf that you know if you give them another excuse to sit there it kind of bothers me when i see people watch golf on tv i'll be honest i'll come in it's just like
You see your uncle and you're like, come on, bro. Yeah, this is... Do something else. Also, this is just nap. This is nap time. Yeah, for real. Which I understand. Like, my dad watched a lot of golf. Naps to it? Perfect. It's the best nap. Yeah. But if other people are around and you're like, put on... Golf. The PGA Tour. Also, it's not Sunday. You're watching fucking Friday...
It's crazy. Yeah. Put on the British Open Friday. Your wife's not here. You don't have to talk to her. You don't have to watch golf right now. Yeah, you don't have to talk. Yeah, she's on vacation. We can chill. Yeah, we don't have to pretend. We can watch fucking remodeling shows. Yeah, that's the ultimate one, dude. That is a wife crusher. Just a Sunday golf show. Yeah. Just watch it, fall asleep. I ran into a wife crusher last night. What? Put on Interstellar. Really? Not for the babes.
There's a lot going on. You've got to explain relativity in the middle of a movie. But it's emotionally charged. You go, what's going on there with relativity? And I go, well, I know what it is, but I can't explain it to you. I can't explain this to you. But I understand relativity. You should have been like, just Google Newtonian physics, master those, I'll bring you to the quantum realm.
Yeah, that, I don't know, I feel like it's emotionally charged, though. It was, yeah, but it worked. It worked eventually, but there was a lot of questions. Yeah, like, wait. There was a lot of questions. He's behind the fucking bookshelf because he's in another dimension. Yeah, somehow humans built the other dimension within the black hole to guide him there from the future because we figured it, yeah. Yeah, it's called superposition. Jesus fucking Christ. Go watch What the Bleep, please.
Did you ever see that? No. What the bleep came out, it was like about quantum physics and everyone was like, holy shit. And it got like completely debunked. You guys didn't get stoked on quantum physics when you were younger? You didn't see what the bleep? No. It's called what the bleep do we know? And it was like, do you know that two particles can be in the same place at the same time? Or like two different spaces at the same time? And I was just like, I was like 25, just always high being like, holy shit. Then I watched the thing five years later. I'm like, that was totally debunked. I was like, God damn it. Yeah. Yeah.
No, superposition is real. It is real. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they were trying to say like... I can't believe you guys have smoked enough weed to think you understand quantum physics. Dude, I'm telling you, it's entangling. I know both of you are like, no, I get it. It's very simple. You don't. You don't understand it. It's so simple. He's caught up in particle duality right now.
I know you remember the words. Neither of you can explain any of it. I can explain it right now. You can explain quantum mechanics to me? Not all of it, but the basic fundamentals. Please do. So the main thing at Rest Upon is the double-slip experiment. You're already off to a good start with Rest Upon. Yeah.
Look, the found eight. You're already brainiac. I've explained it. I've explained a double slit experiment to you before. I do remember that. I know what that is. Yeah, yeah. And if you're looking, it's there. If you're not looking, that one. Yeah. And it was... It's a wave and a particle at the same time. Yes. And then he found out that like...
It's just all about clouds of probability. Even things you think are solid at their most fundamental, the quantum level, which just means the smallest thing possible. It's just every physical object that is very rude is a cloud of possibility that it could be in seven different places. Is it a cloud of possibility? Yeah. Yeah.
So it's like, according to that, like the smallest particle, like if you take like an atom and break it down, break it down, break it down, it just turns into like a, basically a wave that can be simultaneously in multiple places until you observe it and it fixes it there. Yeah. I don't know. That's a nutshell. Yeah. And you've wrapped your head around that. I've just, the basics, I just, I don't understand. I mean, if you really get into it, you have to be able to do like the most insane math. And the problem is, is like,
It actually technically has like predictive. They can use it. I don't know how to do this, but scientists can use quantum mechanics to predict things, but they still don't understand how it works. So it has predictive capabilities, but we still can't. The Austin scientific community still can't wrap their heads around it. I get it. But no, I don't know. It's just cool. It's cool to think about. It is cool, without a doubt. It's just super cool. But yeah, I just never got high enough to be like. You got to get high as fuck. I fully understand this.
I don't feel that's a thing. It's a bottomless mystery. I think while you're high, you feel like you fully understand it. You're just, you're in awe. That's the thing. I'm just in awe. I know he believes he understands it. And that's fine. Let me hear a jam. Get on this quantum jam. Get on the quantum jam. I'm more of a quantum computing guy. Huh? Yeah. I'm more of a quantum computing guy. What's up with that? For sure. It's just infinite storage and infinite memory. There we go. Yeah. What is it? It's just infinite storage and infinite memory.
That's basically what quantum computing is. Yeah, I could say things like this. Anybody can say things like this. This is true. It's just like unlimited energy and waves. I gave a decent rundown. That was good. Quantum mechanics, I'm telling you. But I don't understand it. Just at the very root, physical reality is just like matter breaks down into something that people don't even know what the fuck it is. And it's like, you know, pretty cute. Yeah. That's why basically it's proof of like spirituality and stuff.
A lot of spiritual dudes go heavy on quantum stuff. It's really funny. Dude, don't even get Matt started on dark matter. There's been a lot of dark matter discoveries. I don't know anything about dark matter. I read those fucking articles all the time on Google News. It's like scientists just came out and you read it and you're like this. They didn't say anything. Yeah. It fucking got me again. Yeah. Finally, we understand. They did that with the... What's that fucking thing in the ocean that's like the blue spot and...
It's like in South America, there's this thing in the ocean. It's like this deep, super deep blue spot that just out of nowhere goes in. They've studied the blue spot and found out that there's more tornadoes now thanks to global warming. It's like, how the fuck did you guys come up with that? And they're like, the dust, the sediment on the ocean says that there's been way more tornadoes. It's like, dude, how are you coming up with that? I honestly think scientists are on it. In my honest opinion, I think a lot of them are on some mega bullshit. And they're just fake working so hard. I think that's fair.
Dude, I have National Geographic. It comes to my house. Every time I read it, I'm like...
You guys didn't say anything. I also just got to skim it, bud. Bullshit. Fucking bullshit. Yeah, right. You get Nat Geo? Yeah. That's sick. Nat Geo. I haven't seen a good Nat Geo in forever. Yeah, I get it. I used to be so pumped when I would get a hold of a Nat Geo. I get them. I get them in my house. My wife gets mad because I just get them in my house and I never read them. It's all right. It's good to have. I get like Scientific American, Nat Geo.
Are you sure you didn't get hit by the magazine guy? Huh? No, I do this to myself. Every two years, I spaz and I go, I need to start learning about what's going on. I need to read The Economist. I send The Economist, I send them all to my house, and I just ignore it. I go, not right now. I just ignore them. It's good to have, and it's good to tell people you have them. You go, I actually have The Atlantic. Nat Geo, I'll do with my kids. I'll flip through Nat Geo. I'm like, look at that fucking thing, and just point to a leopard. Nat Geo's a good kid. Nat Geo's sick. Scientific, it's all right.
But they really, they're just capping about space. It pisses me off. Always. They come out with shit about space. They're like, we still don't understand it. It's like, well, stop writing this fucking article. Yeah. You've said nothing this whole time. You got me stoked. I'm on the edge of my seat about dark matter. Still don't know what the fuck it is. It pisses me off. The papers are to put out a theory out there so everyone else can start working on it and like figure it out. So there's like a trail, you know? Yeah. Yeah.
Steak and beans. Steak and beans. The mayor, you need to stop focusing on quantum physics and focus on getting your jack-off computer out of a kitchen. I mean, though, if you think about it, though, imagine the fucking... Two things can't exist at the same time. And your shoe fell off. Yeah, but imagine the quantum goon station.
Imagine the quantum goon. Two guys can jack off in the same apartment at once. Two male roommates can jack off in the same apartment at once. He's just on the other side of the wall, interstellar, like, dude. Lamar, stop. Lamar, stop.
Not the kitchen. It's the gravity. He's sending me coordinates. I learned about dark matter today. Their house has just as much dust in it. The dust storm. We can't keep going on like this. All right. All right. Yeah. We got to switch over to the Patreon. God bless.