Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
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Wow, wow, Wes. I'm fully in the loop. Are you in the loop right now? I've been home for two days, three days. So you're just completely caught up? Full internet for two days. What's going on on the internet? Well, Matt, turns out I'm a giant. Wow, wow. Everyone hates. I kept looking it up and it turns out people really don't like me very much.

But that's not all. There's plenty of other people getting called that going around. MGK has a new music video that sucks and fucking made me want to bring a gun to school.

What else is going on? That'd be a good... You know that Rodney Dangerfield thing where he goes back to college? He's like, is this a shooter? Hey, you're picking on me. Take that. Yeah, true. He's not getting enough respect from the bullies and the jocks. But no, I've been fully plugged in. I watched...

I was really involved in pop culture. Really? There's a guy who screams things that he says, and I'll be dancing out in California. The kid who got it all wrong. Whoa. You got to check this kid out. You're going to like him. I got all types of stuff going on. It's called White. It's been dubbed White Hooting and Hollering Music, and it's led by Benson Boone. He's the lead hooting and hollering guy. He's the guy who sings, fuck.

These beautiful things that I've done. Oh, that guy. Yeah, it's like girl movie music. Yeah. Yeah, Britney's hit me with that song. I'm telling you. Bro, I've been all over the internet the last two days. Then somebody filmed Steph Curry at a Benson Moon concert with a cowboy hat singing along and someone was going, oh, fuck, Steph Curry sucks. But in Steph Curry's defense, I was thinking about this. If I got dragged to a...

I've done it. Sure. I've gone to a concert. I've been like, this shit sucks. I'm not going to this shit. Yeah. Then I'm up there singing at the top of my lungs to Mumford & Sons. It could happen to anybody. It really... You could take me to an Imagine Dragons concert. I was trying to think of the corniest one to be like a major fan of. I would sing along. For sure. I'm waking up. I feel it in my bones. Just stomp into the beat? Yeah. I'd be going nuts. Yeah.

Actually, speaking of concerts, I heard some good news. I talked to two people who had gone to a Katy Perry concert recently. And said she held it down? Said it was fucking fire, dude. They said, don't believe the fake news. They said the Katy Perry concerts are... He said, what a performance. That's good. Yeah. That's good. So, yeah. Who told you that? Oh, the beach people? One of my bros. The beach people? Yeah.

One of my bros, they saw KP. I could see how seeing KP live would be a treat. Said it was charged up. She was running around. I saw her running around. Running around, almost naked. Yeah. I saw all types of stuff. I saw Jennifer Lopez did a very long dance at an award show. What? Yeah. I watched it. Seven and a half minutes, I watched her dance. She did a seven and a half minute dance? Shit sucked. Dude, a lot of the...

This could be a media narrative, but I'll do to love it. Suck to watch. I was mad the whole time, but I was getting a little more disappointed myself at how much I just hate dancing. Yeah. Like choreographed. I just came off like a real loser. Why? When someone's like, I hate music. Yeah. I was sitting there and I was just like, I fuck. I just hate dancing, dude. It's, it's kind of a miserable life, honestly.

Like, it's a... Like, my kids go to dance class, and it's like, dude, you forget, like, ballerinas are, like, evil. Like, when they get older, they've been, like, screamed at since they were a child. Yeah, they've been beaten. Yeah, they've been... Dude, it's like, I've been dealing with some aged ballerina types, and it's like, not the friendliest bunch, dude. Yeah. It's not all, like, tutus and fucking pilets, dude. They're...

They're fucking mean, man. And I'm sitting there like, damn. I watch them. A couple black swans. What? A couple black swans. Dude, for real. I'm taking them out of this dance school, dude. It's like, I don't like it at all. They're just fucking mean, dude. So if you fill up your card, it's like six little stars. If you get six of them, you go in the office and they give you a present, like a little prize. And dude, we're talking like...

you know fucking alibaba some sort of like finger puppet for two cents kind of bullshit temporary tattoos and chloe wasn't able to go to that one it was just maya but they both had filled up their cards and she was like can i get one for my sister's her card's full she couldn't come she's sick and the lady's like one toy per card and just do you're talking like this thing might have been four cents jesus and i was just like jesus christ you should have

You should have assaulted her. I should have dumped the bag and picked him up. You should have crawled across the desk. Pick him up. Stand on your toes for 25 minutes, and if you move, I'll slap you in the fucking head. You should have said, you've gained weight. We're sending you back to fucking Siberia. You've gained too much weight, you slob. This episode is brought to you by Paramount+. I've got a wild story for you, Matt. There's this guy, Nathan.

And the girl of his dreams is taken hostage. Whoa. He fights to get her back, but here's the crazy thing. He can't feel pain. Dude, isn't this the plot of Novocaine? Yeah, it's the plot of Novocaine. The best new action movie, seriously. Rated R, like all the good stuff. Stream Novocaine now at ParamountPlus.com. Dude, when we turn on my TV upstairs, it's like...

It's always on a channel. Now the channels, I don't know how TV even works anymore, but they pick one show. There's the Baywatch channel. Yeah, I'm on Saved by the Bell channel right now. We were just watching some Saved by the Bell. Zach was dating a girl in a wheelchair. Yeah, he was like... Living the dream. We've all discussed it.

Hey, we can't go to the fucking what's a guy's beautiful face coffee. Yeah, the beautiful. They don't have the room They don't have the best boo the real fucking fucking steps. We gotta stay in again and watch movies We're gonna have to watch thin red line again Turns out we the same time do BJ's all they have to do blowjobs again, and we're gonna have to watch more movies I'm sorry

I wish you could walk. I'm going to build a ramp at the stadium in about three years. I sent a letter. I wish this wasn't the case. I feel like we're trapped in purgatory right now. Yeah, that's living the dream. So Zach pulled it off. I guarantee the wheelchair chick was so hot in the show. She was a little nerdy looking, but back for a 90s babe. They hit the 90s babe for sure. What season was it? I hope I'm not going too early on this.

No, it was... I know what you mean, though. It was, you know, you're certainly a pretty girl. I've been watching my channel stuck on Dance Moms. So I put it on and my kids fucking love it. But it's just, it's not like, I don't know, it's like a...

I don't know what version of this is. Was Dance Moms like white ladies or black ladies? Because this is only black lady dance moms. And it's just them outside. The algorithm knows your house. I told you I'd blam airs black ass Netflix, right? It's good. They just have a totally different Netflix. That's crazy. It's actually crazy because I don't think you watch the do you watch all those shows?

Oh, that's right. We've discovered this. The algo goes nuts. Me and LaMaria's grandmother are battling for Netflix supremacy. Yeah, dude, the Dance Moms is so funny. It's just literally like ladies standing outside of the dance studio looking into their kids, trying to figure out which ones are going to get picked for the audition. It's just them just in each other's faces like, wait till you see my girl's the best. It's just nonstop. That's fun. It's pretty fun.

I was watching that this morning. I was watching Little Dance Moms this morning. We're getting ready for school. That's good. What's the one... It might not be Dance Moms. Is it a pageant? What's that one where the girls are in pageants? I think it's Pageant Moms or something like that. Yeah. That's a whole other thing. There's a really great clip where a fat lady gets told to be quiet. She's in a scooter. Oh, yeah.

One of the other moms is like, you need to put your phone down and pay attention. And she just instantly throws her scooter into reverse and drives outside and goes straight to a police station to report an assault. It's the funniest video. Just her hitting the fucking... She's like, you need to be quiet. She's like... It just...

hits the reverse i saw a video of a guy on a scooter menacing the block he was like zoomed up on somebody choked like grabbed them by their throat and put them down the lady tried to break it up and he hit the reverse and just bang like what was he professor x he was so nice he was dominating people on a scoot dominating this guy must have been a menace from the scooter swear to god grab this guy must have been an absolute menace when he was bipedal

Total menace. Because he gripped the guy, dragged him down with one hand. I mean, he was like fighting a heroin addict, but you know. That must be nice. Dude, dominating the block? Just dominating the block, yeah. If you were a loser enough to be homeless without heroin, if you stayed sober and just dominated all the fucking Skeletors...

Some dude talking to you. You're sitting there. Come here. Get the fuck out of here. You could toss those guys around. You could toss them around like crazy. They really could. And they probably wouldn't get hurt. It'd be kind of, it'd be fun. Yeah, it'd be nice. Especially, I mean, yeah, you could just blame them for whatever. I know you fucking took the money that I spent at the bar. They probably did. They definitely stole everything you have. I know.

They are like little kids. If you're like, hey, come here. They're like going through 20 different things. Like, fuck, fuck, fuck. Fuck, I'm busted. Fuck you, man. Fuck you. What did you fucking say to me? Come here. Damn.

Yeah, he was getting it in. And dude, backing over the lady was... And then he ran over a woman? Just right into her. Where was this? I don't know. It was just on the internet. Oh, I thought you saw it in Austin. I was like, hell yeah, this is great. I saw a homeless guy with a fucking sword cane in Austin recently. That was freaking me out. I think I've seen that guy. Really? Is he by the mothership? He was close. He was by like the Black Rabbit.

Okay. I was just carrying a box of stuff, and I heard a lady like, don't poke anyone with that. And I was like, I looked over, and this guy had a, dude, the blade was that long. And I was like, Jesus freaking Christ. Damn, he's just, that's a cool homeless. I'm still waiting for the day. Four of them test me, and they're like, every time I pass them, I'm like, today could be the day. They're going to test you eventually. I'm going to test my survival skills. That must have been crazy back in the day when you've been through four or five life or death battles.

The swag would be crazy. I was like thinking about that the other day. I was like, dude, my swag would just be different. If you had survived several beatings? Like several fights to the death. Swag would be nuts, dude. This episode is brought to you by PrizePix. Do you know ball?

There's only a few games left in the playoffs and the championship is officially on the line. That means time is running out for you to put your final takes to test to the test on prize picks. The best place to cash in on your favorite sports. Riffing point. Please talk about what you think of the playoffs so far.

Matt, please talk about what you think of the playoffs so far. I'm thinking about these championships right now. Are there any particular teams or fixtures that you've enjoyed? Right now for me, dude, the Phillies are red hot. The Phillies are red hot. I think they might be talking about basketball or hockey. For sure. But you're not wrong to be thinking about October right now. Yeah, exactly. A lot of guys get lost in the dog days of summer, and that's where teams start to rise and fall.

I mean, I like where your head's at, though. The Red Hot Phillies need to focus on a red October. But in terms of basketball, I'm trying to think who I think could take it all in basketball. Not the Knicks.

They lost. No, they lost last night, but it's 3-1 Indiana. Exactly. So I think Indiana's going to take that. I like the Pacers myself. I do too. I don't like the way the Knicks handled themselves when they finally won a fucking playoff series, the fans. Yeah. I'm going for the Pacers. That's coming from an Eagles fan. Have some class. The OKC's looking good. Thunder, yeah. Thunder are looking good.

Yeah. That's who I like. You think the Thunder's going to win? Yeah, I think so. But it's fun to watch Halliburton. What, to Hattie? Oh, yeah. More. Man, these playoffs have been unreal with crazy things happening almost every night. Crazy things are happening all the time. Do you have the vision to know what will happen next? Let's see what we are cooking up heading into the last few games. I'm going to go playoff matchup I have my eyes on. Yeah.

I like Indiana headed to the garden. Ooh. For the win. For the dissension. So if I had to pick, I'd say Moore or Moore Halliburton. There we go. All right. You heard our picks. Now it's time to lock in your playoff picks and prize picks. This app is really easy to use. Create a lineup. All you have to do is pick more or less and up a few player stats. You're shot to win up to 2,000 times your money. You could win real money with your best takes. You got to get in on this. Prize picks. The best place to win cash while watching sports. Join millions of users and sign up today.

Download the app today and use code Drenched to get $50 instantly after you play your first $5 lineup. That's Drenched to get $50 instantly after you play your first $5 lineup. Prize picks, run your game. No, I'm good. I added a bunch of dates, so...

July, I'm going to do Oklahoma City, Kansas City. August, I'm going to do Louisville, St. Louis, Detroit, Grand Rapids, Milwaukee. And in September, I'm going to do Houston, Tulsa, Hollywood, Florida, and Orlando. Please come. Hell yeah. And don't be confused by the ticket pricing.

old DJT yeah Kid Rock signed a little bill that kind of fucks me in the ass if I'm being honest it takes all the hidden fees and includes them in the ticket price yeah so like it shows up as that it's like god damn I was trying to make my prices yeah cheap people were paying that anyway but they were getting we're paying it anyway but you get a little sticker shock when you see yeah what the hell this guy better be funny yeah it's not that it's not that funny god damn

I'll be at the Hollywood Improv June 25th, and then the Ontario Improv Ontario, California June 26th through the 28th. Filming a special, please come. And then, this is the big one, Ovation Hall in Atlantic City, New Jersey, August 16th. Let's go. Yeah, I'm going to try to come up with some newer stuff. Is that at Oceans? Yeah. Fuck yeah. It'll be sick. So I'm kind of excited for that. So I'm going to try to blend in some new stuff in case people travel down from Philadelphia. Yeah.

Nice. That's it. All right. Goodbye. Told you I was reading about the Mayans recently. Yeah, I like that. Dude, they used to build temples in the ocean.

So it would be like a stone's throw away. Like they would say that's how far... There are units of measurement. They would measure the depth of holes by... I forget the word, but it was like the average height of a man. Okay. It's seven a lot of those deep and they would just be like, it's like six guys deep. That's good. It's really nice. But yeah, they would build these like...

temples out like you know 10 feet out in the ocean out of limestone i don't know how the fuck they did this and then the uh they were wasting a lot of time i think they really were they should have been focused on other things they yeah they could have figured some other stuff out instead of temples in the ocean well they what they had to really focus they were just like cutting people's heads off and letting the blood drip down the steps they would like have like a cool statue of a snake and be like this thing it'd be like a snake eating a lion like we gotta get some blood we're gonna have to cut some people's heads off we gotta cut some people's heads off

Who's that village next door that we hate? Dude, yeah. Let's sacrifice those fuckers. They'll never join up with anybody that shows up. They'll never finally join up with the outside force. I didn't know there was like three or four unsuccessful expeditions before Cortez. Like a couple dudes rolled up and got fucking smoked by the Mayans. I didn't know that. Yeah, they'd roll up like 40 deep and be like, come here, guys. And these dudes would just go bonkers. And they're like, we had the weaponry. We thought they were like, we could get them. But they were just...

We were firing shit off our boats at them, and they were like, we don't. They just kept sending guys. And then they would take your boy, and they would fatten him up.

So the dudes who were in POW... What are these, girlfriends? Yeah, I don't know. What are these, girlfriends? They would capture you, and you would just be getting fed nonstop, and then you'd slowly be like, shit, they're fucking... They would eat one of your boys, and you'd go, oh, no, dude. I thought they were treating me like a king over here. They would fatten... They would just have dudes they captured, and be like, hmm, he's looking pretty good. He's getting pretty good. These guys... No offense to any Mayans listening, but these guys deserved what they had coming, dude.

Yeah, I didn't know the Spanish got crushed a couple times. A couple times. It was like they would launch these expeditions and just end up on the shore, and it would just be cannibals fucking freaking out at you. As soon as you rolled up, they'd be blowing darts, fucking throwing shit at you. But that's, yeah. It was like they were more explorer types. They would hang out, roll up, and be like, oh, this is sick. Because a small amount took down everybody. Oh, yeah. Well, Cortez apparently, I don't know if there's multiple Cortezes, but this was a...

His name was Cortez. I forget his first name. But, like, after, like, two or three dudes rolled up and got kind of what for, he was like, fuck this, and brought, like, 11 ships and 500 dudes. And then he showed up, and they just thought, like, you know, it wasn't even just about, like, his beard. He, I forget what he, oh, he rolled up and he took the whole village off.

He took everything and then he found a guy's, it was like a nobleman's wife, one of the Lord's wives. And he was like, he, they plundered everything and he contacted, he was like, go back and tell him like, we're going to give you back all your stuff. And the villagers all came back and they all, the Spaniards were like, here's all your shit. We're not trying to fuck with you. We're just trying to like get, we're trying to chill with you guys. And they were like, fuck this dude rules. And I think eventually he fucking crushed all of them. Yeah.

Yeah, I forget. It's the beginning of Guns, Germs, and Steel, which is pretty funny. It's like that. They just rolled in on horses and shit, and they, yeah, just opened fire. Yeah. Everybody started spazzing. Yeah, they- I think they immediately captured the king. Yeah, well, that was like, yeah, when they told him, like- It might have been the Aztecs.

I was one of them where they brought him in. It was just him and like six dudes in the Kings, like inner sanctum. They were like, dude, you guys are so cool. Your beards are so fucking sick. And then they're like, yeah, cool, man. Yeah. That's awesome. You want to see our swords? The one Cortez I heard, he like was kind of chilling with them and you know, yeah. Getting down. Eventually they gave him a, a Mayan bride and he like, that was like his lady. He started like sailing with her and she would like, um, yeah, I don't know if it was the Cortez, the killer or just another Cortez.

But yeah, the flag was sick, dude. It was just the cross. They'd be like, all who worship this symbol have faith in it and we will conquer. They would just fly in. This Cortez was a big missionary. He would go in their temples and just knock their statues down and be like, you guys got to praise the Virgin Mary. And apparently a lot of them were like, for sure. And when they would go, other Spaniards would pass by some of the villages on boats. They would just go, Maria, Maria. Nice. They loved Mary, dude. That's good. Yeah, it was pretty chill.

Yeah, I guess you'd have to kind of believe him.

You know what I mean? If you spent your whole life watching everybody get their head cut off and you're throwing rocks in the ocean to try to build a temple. Yeah. Somebody shows up on a fucking spaceship. Someone shows up on a giant, 11 giant boats and they ride horses off the boat on the beach. You're just like, bro. Yeah, I'm with them. I trust them. What's your story? And they're like, no, dude. And they're just like, that's so fucking sick. Because their guy, Kitzel Kodal, was like their big, that was like their big dude. Dude, you know what his name was originally? Kukulin.

Just like the Irish mythological guy, Cthulhu. I didn't know that. Yeah, kind of nuts. Remember that lady I tried to book for the podcast who was like an ancient alien specialist? She wrote a whole book about how the Mayans were Irish.

And we was, we was minds. We was minds. Yes. I knew we was minds. But yeah, I'm going to keep reading that book. It's pretty, it's pretty tight. It was written by this guy, Diego Landa, who was just a missionary who was documenting like just kind of how they got down. And they just kind of like studied outer space really hard. And then they just like cut people's heads off and just chilled. Pretty cool. Yeah. That's awesome. But yeah, they were, they were. I wish I knew more, but I never really.

Got into the Aztecs or the Mayans. The Incas, I was big for a little. I like the Incas. I never know where the fuck they live. The Mayans or the Yucatan? The Incas are like Peru. Okay, so they're in Peru. The Andes Mountains. And where were the Aztecs? They were in Mexico. The Aztecs were in Mexico as well. Okay. Yeah. Because they do have stuff like... I think the Mayans and Aztecs didn't really overlap.

But apparently there were Mexicans that weren't Mayans that would come down. They would battle the Mayans a lot, too. They were battling the lads way back when. Who knows? But yeah, it's pretty cool. The Spaniards would come down and get in a fight. They would name the places. The one bay is just called the Malo Pilar, which just means the bad fight. It was really sick. They were city states. Sometimes. I see. Yeah, the Mayans were independent city states.

Yeah, it's... It wasn't like one empire. No, they weren't like a group of people. They just... Or there wasn't like... They were just kind of a bunch of different... They flourished until 900 AD, so like 500 years before the Spanish got there. Yeah, but then I think they just became like... They were probably just chilling. Yeah, they were just chillers. They had one central town. They all joined in, allegedly after fucking Quetzalcoatl showed them how to get down. And they all hung out. But there would always be three brothers who were chill, and they would just turn evil and kill each other. Every time.

Three brothers, they'd start a podcast, turn on each other. It would just be three dudes being like, yeah, we're in charge of all this. And then one day want to be like, I want 75 fucking wives. It's usually how it goes. Yeah, Hernan Cortez. Yeah.

Dude was a bro. I didn't get to the part where they, I mean, it was written by the Spaniards. So the guy was just like, yeah, dude, he was pretty chill. Everyone liked him. I don't know what else happened. It's pretty fucking cool. Yeah. But yeah, they had a guy who was, there was like two kind of like Bishop type dudes. And one guy was like, we have to torture these guys.

because they keep worshiping snakes and cutting people's heads off so we got to torture them to like it's the only way these guys and the guys like we can't torture him and the one dude he's like try he came to convince the guy like we shouldn't be doing this the guy's like no watch this and just like torture the guy in front of him he's like it works he's like pulling a dude's teeth out of his head like see see he doesn't like it now he'll do whatever i want he doesn't like it at all now he's really afraid of us yeah

I was trying to think about the different races of human beings and which one are air, water, earth, fire. I thought about this the other day. I was at the beach. I was just high at the beach. And I was like, damn, dude. I kind of figured it out. It's like white people are water people, I believe. Asians are air. And then you go down to like... You're saying black people are mud? No. Latinos are fire for sure.

That was the kind of the back. No, it's Earth. There's nothing wrong with Earth. No, there's nothing wrong at all. My thing was, but then someone gets. So sick to control the sea, dude. Someone gets left out, though. I was like, I thought I had it mapped out. I'm like, wait a second. Because then you have Indians. Indians are definitely Earth.

It could be fire, dude. Indians or earth for sure. Indians or I had that because I was like, yeah, because I forgot about Latinos. I'm like, okay, they're fire for sure. But then it's like earth. But I was going, what about my African brothers? What would they be? Because then I'm like, I was like, maybe the ether. I could throw in the fifth. It could be the ether. What do you guys think? I think earth. I think earth.

But then what about Indian guys? Someone's getting left out. Then what are Indian guys? They're with Asians. They can be... Air. True. Air, earth, earth, air. They can be farts. All right. I'm trying to keep it respectful. Who's farts then? What about Arabs? You're forgetting Arabs.

That's like... That's Indian guys. You say Indians and Arabs are farts. That's your words. I was really hoping to keep this respectful. How do you think it was going to help, dude? You want to break down racism? I was in my bathroom brushing my teeth. I was like, yeah, this could actually go really well. I'll share this one. Do you guys have any... Would you like to help us here? Would any African-American fellows want to get involved? Sure, I'd like to create space for different voices. I don't know what you'd like to say.

I just know definitely not water. I kind of thought fire. Why aren't we fire? We're more fire than Latinos, bro. Come on. Yeah. No way. How are you guys fire? Leave it. You guys aren't fire. You guys are earth. Latino heat. Yeah, it's Latino heat. Yeah, bro. I don't know, man. Look, I don't want to speak for you guys. I like to elevate your voices in the matter.

Thank you. Yeah, we do want to hold space for black podcasters. Thank you. But, yeah, Earth, dude. You guys are going to claim Earth. Earth's probably the best one. I think we're plasma. Plasma. Plasma, the fifth element. Ether. I was giving you guys Ether. I was like, Ether is the best. Indian guys are Earth for sure. I can't believe you're pleading the fifth on this. The fifth element. He's claiming it.

No, Earth's good for you guys. Yeah, they're all elements. Why is Earth good? I don't know. Everybody claims the first humans were from Africa. Earth's nice. I like that. And it's one of those things where Asians are definitely air. Let's do process of elimination. They run on the trees. They're airbenders. Black people are avatars, man. We fucking get all four, I think, if we're from Africa.

You get all four? Water? You get all four. Yeah. And no offense. Just spraying water out of your hands like, oh, shit. Air? Have you ever seen those Jamaican guys jump off the barge into the water? It's in the name. Yeah, it's between you guys and Asians. You guys are confusing air with just jumping. We're talking about air supremacy that the monkeys have achieved. Do you want Chinese air?

That stuff's bad. Don't turn this on me. Forget I even brought this up. Let's just drop it. Let's just fucking drop it, dude. You guys can't be mature about this. You guys can't be mature enough to have Earth. Earth's the best. If we would have said white people are Earth, you would have been like, no, we're Earth. For sure. Yeah, all the elements are, none of them are more essential than the others. Don't make us take Earth.

We can take it all. That's the reason I'm not saying we have it. We can draw water. We can take everything. I know if we said we had Earth, you guys would come and take it. That's why I was being quiet about it. Fine, we'll give you guys air. White people are the avatars. Fine, white people are the avatars. Never even thought of that as a good answer. You're right. We definitely are avatars.

I just wanted to wait to hear what black people said. Like, no, that's ours. Actually, that's ours. That's a good idea, but we're going to take that. We're going to take that idea. It's really cool. I can't believe you said Indians and Arabs are farts. That's fucking wrong, dude. I didn't think about the gas element. That could be gas. Dude. Oh, dude. Switching gears. I wanted to tell you, dude. I went through. I think I told you this yesterday, but I was at Port Aransas, Texas. The beach. Oh, yeah.

Dude, it is... At first glance, sickest setup. You ever been to a 4x4 beach? Cars pull up. Oh, no. I don't know if I have. Dude, this was, for real, it was insane, man. It was like fucking... Only during COVID-19.

When you, where were you? I was in Hilton head, but it's not typically, you're not allowed to do that typically, but it was COVID dude. The beach was a road like that upper portion of the beach was like a full banks has that. Yeah. Okay. Dude, it was kind of sick. Just like you just bop around golf carts, faded on a golf cart, blasting. You had the music from your phone. It's water. So the speaker is true. Now you're talking water.

Also, dude, it was the Texas beach. Everyone pulls up and sets up pretty sick setups, like a truck. It's like tailgate. Barbecues. Trump flags everywhere. Got me thinking. It's like nobody parties under the Biden banner. People party under the Trump flag. I've never seen someone just get down under a Biden flag.

Oh, that would suck so bad. Holy shit. That would be so... I mean, it'd be really funny. Just turkey burgers. You should do it at that beach. Do it at that beach. See how long before you get your fucking ass beat, dude. Just like turkey burgers and fucking Impossible. Just blasting Kendrick's new album. They not like us. They not like us.

Never seen it. You've never seen somebody flying a Biden banner and just partying. Get a nice Kamala flag, too. That's important. That would be tight. A Harris-Walls flag. Just getting wrecked. Just having so much blasting NPR. I'd be like, that's actually very important. I never thought of it like that. I didn't think about that. Just kissing a guy. Yeah.

Yeah, it wasn't a very inviting party flag, the Biden. No. Couldn't have any fun. It wasn't very fun. It was not fun. You couldn't blast Kid Rock's summer anthem? I'm in whiskey out the bottle. Turn this off. It's tough. He shot the bottle. Turn this off. Hey, turn that off right now.

Yeah, man. I'm telling you, I want to see somebody do it. I want everyone to have fun. But it turns out the Trump flags are kind of corner of the party. They are kind of a beacon for a good party. Kind of, dude. Yeah, you have a good time. It was kind of making me sad. But at nighttime, it is funny. My friend was pointing it out. It's like it is Fury Road. You go on the beach at nighttime and it's just kids hanging off golf carts like war boys. Yeah.

It was fun. But, dude, the— Were there some fires going at night? Yep. You had a beach fire. Dude, they would come out. The thing was called Cinnamon Shore. So, like, you go to Puerto Rancis, and it's like—the town, by the way, bleak. I went to the grocery store like 10 minutes away to grab some supplies for last night. Dude, I'm not exaggerating this at all. There was an older lady cashier, and, you know, she was just kind of sitting there. And I'm like, hey, how are you doing? You know, normal stuff. Yeah.

She just sighs, and she was like, not good. I'm like, okay. Good for her. Dude, it was actually refreshing. And I was like, oh, dude. And then she took it even further. She was like, yeah, I just...

I don't like this job at all. And I was like, okay. I was like, fair enough. And I was like, you know what? Let me just shut up. It's probably annoying. You know, it's the 50th. Because she was like, it's just the same thing. There's people coming over and over. And I'm like, yeah, you know what? Let me shut up. I'm probably the 50th guy to ask you how your day is. She's like, yeah, I just remember my life used to have meaning. I was like, okay. Wow. She said all this? Yeah, dude. And then she goes, she was like, I used to be an assistant librarian in Samoa.

I was like, okay, cool. And she's like, yeah. Then a flood took the place out. Really bad flood. Killed a lot of children. And I'm just like, Jesus fucking Christ. She goes, there were families of children that died. She says, luckily, and this made the other person in line next to me turn around. She goes, luckily, it wasn't on the tourist side. And I was like, oh, fuck. Oh, man. Damn.

Damn, she got a little Cortez in her. Yeah, dude. Luckily it didn't get the pale faces. Dude, I think she was kind of faded, dude. There was a display of buzz balls next to her. I'm like, she must be crushing these buzz balls. I would, too. Yeah, I would. Bro, if you're sitting there going, you know what? I don't have any meaning in my life. I'm a cashier here. I'm sick of this. Yeah. What's that, a buzz ball? Who's going to notice? Was that a butterscotch buzz ball? Oh, man.

That sounds like fucking hell. Dude, she kept going. She was like, yeah, man. She was like, you know, could you imagine? Funerals are sad, but imagine a funeral for multiple children at the same time. I'm like, Jesus Christ. She's like, and you got to put the bodies up high because if you put them down low, they just wash away. I'm like, okay. Dude, it was a 10-minute exchange. She's like...

Yeah, my ex-husband, we met out there. He's a drunk. All the guys in Samoa, by the time they're 60, they're drunks. They have nothing to do. They're just drunks, probably drunks before that. She was like, she just broke down her ex-husband. She's like, smart guy, no common sense. He's probably drunk right now. And I'm like looking at her like, you're probably drunk right now, lady. But went on for 10. And then I finally got the last thing bagged up. And I was like, all right, have a good one. And then she just smiled.

Such a big smile, and I was like, okay, thank you. She goes, so how are you doing? Yeah, true. So what's up with you? It's all right. Shit's going well. I just signed a Spotify deal. It's pretty easy. I just do podcasts. It's pretty good. I actually haven't beat off in like seven days. I'm getting raging boners every morning. Should have fired back. That's good. Dude, I've been fucking. I don't know what happened. I've turned a corner. We'll see if I can keep it. But I'm just, bro.

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Bye.

I'm just like, I'm not, I'm not at, I'm not even trying to have sex. I'm not trying to, I'm not fapping. I'm just like, just going to be really, I've tried this so many times, but I think I've turned the corner where I've, I've been getting charged up that like when I'm like, you don't, I mean, obviously you all, you know, and you have to come really bad. I,

I've just been like reveling in that feeling. And I'm just like, dude, I'm just going to charge myself up as much as I can. Every once in a while when I'm hungover, I get the ultimate. Yes. You need to come right now. Yes, dude. Yeah. I drove home kind of like that. And I was not lying. It happens on a drive sometimes. Dude, I was rock hard. You got to rock hard for an entire drive. Dude, it was a three hour, 45 minute drive. No cap. I think I might have been hard for two and a half hours straight. Yeah. Just nonstop.

It was like I was driving and Brittany would like put her hand on my thigh and I was real going like I was trying to shift it. I was fucking I was in a state, dude. It was crazy. But yeah, I'm going to I'm going to try to keep it up and just see if I can get charged up off the life energy because it's a huge difference, man. When you're ramped like that, if you can like just power through it, you have energy.

All these people say they're tired. It's like, bro, don't jack off. Yeah, for real. I want to try to not do it for a month and then get my T-checked and just see what my levels are. I would imagine they'd be fucking high. If you held in your goop...

I mean, you know, I'm like a broken record on this, but I might have turned the corner. I think it's a good thing. You're very interested in the goop and goop retention. I am. Well, it's like you got goop on the brain. I got goop on the brain. It's goop retention, goop release. You know, I like it all. Everything goop. All things goop. I'm here to discuss goop.

So, yeah, that's been a welcome. And I keep taking the maca. I'm just feeding the beast. Yeah. So, yeah, I've been waking up. I've got a feeling these boys have not retained any goop. These guys, they don't look like them. The mayor was laying. The mayor had a blanket over himself when I came in. Oh, man. Goopless. You were in this room for five minutes before you laid down with a blanket? Goopless, dude. That was so tight.

No goop. Yeah, that's a goopless man. There's no goop in the system. You probably got rid of your goop this morning, didn't you? No. You lie like a rug. This morning count is three in the morning. Oh, you got your fucking goop out of three? Yeah, dude. Did you? I heard you had a little bit of a... Do you have a partner here? No. You had a hot date? It wasn't a date. There was no partners. Huh? No, you individually gooped at 3 a.m. Yeah. It's a late night goop sesh. It was a drunk goop. It was a drunken hour. It was a drunk goop? Yeah. Woo.

Some of the nastiest goops possible. For sure. A drunk goop is fucking weird. You just throw your phone in a fire afterwards. Yeah, a drunk goop. That's no good. I always throw my phone. There's like a pile of clothes. I always throw my phone on a pile of clothes and I'm done. Get this thing off you. Be gone. Yeah. Has anyone gotten like freaky with AI? No.

What do you mean? Just been like, find me the freakiest vids. Or like, you could get... No one's ever gotten freaky with it, I don't think. I never even considered asking AI for Pern. I've never asked AI one thing. I've never used it once.

I don't even know what chat GBT is. I've never looked at it. Dude, I was the same way like three weeks ago and I've started using it. It's like Google on steroids. Oh, I guess I do with Google because now that that just automatically comes up. But whatever. I don't know. I'm not worried about AI, dude. I'm holding it down. I'm not at all, dude. I don't know why everyone's spazzing out about it. It's like, I don't know. Well, the thing is, if you have a job where you're doing admin work, toast.

You're a toast. Good. If I was doing admin work, I'd be like, release me from this. I know, true. My life, I'd rather be a cashier next to fucking... At least you get to talk to people. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, they're going to have to figure it out because it will erase... I was going to say they're going to make cashiers automated, but that's where the earth people are really helping. We can't automate the cashiers.

No, you know what they do now with the automated cashiers? They wait until... You're just on camera. And they wait until you get up to like $500 of theft and they just come to your house. So you can have a field day and eventually you get a knock on the door and they're like, yo, bro. They wait until it gets to whatever the limit is for like larceny. And then you just get a knock on the door. Damn. Yeah, that's how they get you now. But they are like...

the last they're fighting against the ai i fought you guys want to automate this yeah you've been you i've waged war against them and i got and i and i dude i'm telling you it's i knew i was like they just came out they budget for billions of loss even like any store does there's like the theft the loss prevention is like they're like we're going to lose at least a billion this year like in walmart they know they're like we're losing whatever it is 100 million whatever so i was like bro these are just rolling out and

And I went ham. And then eventually I was like, all right, I'm done. I quit. I was like, this is ridiculous. You got out of the game. You know how crazy it is to steal like rotisserie chickens when your Patreon's popping? It felt bad. I was like, I can't anymore. This is a crime. This is a crime, dude. We're like number three on Patreon. I'm like, sweet. I was reaping the benefits. I'd be back home. I was your little fucking. You were feeding me, dude.

I'd lay back home. You'd go, I stole this from a test strip. I put these vitamins in a box at Whole Foods and pretended it was scrambled eggs. They were $2. Yeah, that was, a lady got caught doing my method, which was you take a price tag off of a smaller priced item, hold it under like a, I would get a whole like sheet cover for like 200 bucks, scan like a Walmart t-shirt.

Over it so on camera. I'm scanning this thing mmm, but it would come up as like four seven bucks But yeah, I stopped I retired my jersey. That's good. I was like I mean dude the meat I would get fucking like 10 pounds of meat It's just not right We need that me you just bag it all up we need it no man you really can marry us one pound of meat last night He was tenderizing last night

That's disgusting, Omer. Three o'clock goop, man, and then you're laying on the couch. Three o'clock goop session, and you come in here and lay on my... I know you didn't... I'm certain you didn't shower. I showered. My fucking dick, you showered. I showered. I showered. Dribbling on the couch. Ew. Goop, man. The big goop. You guys have any goop in you, or what's your guys' deal?

Yeah, I gooped last night. Jesus Christ, man. The whole squad's just dropping goops. I also gooped. Goopless. I wasn't going to fall asleep early enough without gooping. Did you have to scurry away to goop? I had to put my dog in his kennel, throw a blanket over him. He can't see me. It'll devastate me. Where'd you catch the goop sesh? Living room. Yo, bro. That's all I got. Living room, bedroom. Bathroom, bro. Bathroom. Ah.

I was telling Lamer this the other day. You wanted to goof without making love. You didn't want to make any love. It's that time of the month. All right, all right. Yeah, I just entered that period right now. I hate to goof. No, she's a witch. Yeah, I just entered into that right now. We'll see. I think I'm about to. Yeah. Yeah, they're all... Based on...

recent attitudes. The forecast got a little cloudy. Storm's coming. There has to be a thing. Actually, some women go on SSRIs during their periods. They like diagnose a mental condition that's like menstrual induced depression or whatever it is. Menstrual induced fucking mean as hell depression.

Fucking mean as hell, dude. Yeah. And some women now take Paxil and shit while on their periods. But, you know, that sucks. That's a good move. I might start. Yeah. I'm worried about you. I made you some tea. Eight Xanax. She's going to sleep for a week. They should be able to go like into like a mini coma for like a week. That's fucking bullshit.

They kind of do. It's true. They really do. They hibernate for like three days. True. Just some movie on Netflix like these beautiful things that I like. I will say this. Shut the door. In defense of old Benson Boone. Yeah. I was trying to hate the boy. What about him? Then I watched his American Idol. Killed it. It's kind of nice. He crushed it. Yeah. That's awesome.

Yeah, I just don't like the outfits very much. They're not for me. What's going on? It's a giant honker in a fucking bell-bottoms onesie. Does a flip off a piano and goes... Yeah. It's just not for me. I know who you're talking about now. Yeah. Yeah, that... I mean, dude, when you enter into girl... You become like a female entertainer. It's like time's up. You've got to dress, you know, kind of... Yeah. You know, like a gay guy.

Because if you just like try to be a female entertainer and you just wore like cool, normal shit like we wear, like fucking alpha stuff. Cool, normal shit, alpha stuff. Yeah, like alpha shit. Like for some reason they're just... Polo shorts, not a big deal. Something cash and light, like nothing crazy, but it's definitely like pretty... Something totally cash.

But to everyone in the room, no, I don't care. Yeah, for sure. I don't care that you guys are dressing up. I dress like this. Yeah, like you guys are so worried about gooping. Look, if you don't even worry about gooping, you don't have to wear anything, dude. If you don't worry about gooping, the goop comes to you. Girls see you, they go, that guy's dressed like a fucking dumbass. I'm going to get his goop out of him.

Oh, dude. Also, I only get goop from guys that dress like fifth graders. It works. Dude, on the drive from Austin down to Port Aransas, you just kind of cut through these small Texas towns. And in every... Dude, there'd be a town of like... You know when you come through and you're like, how? Like, this is crazy. Like, how do you even exist here? You know, it could be a town of like four people.

DQ. DQ's like the... DQ's are, yeah. Bro, it's like Spice. It's on a racket. It's like whoever controls the fucking blizzard. The DQ's, yeah. Whoever controls the blizzard controls the whole town. It's so hot down there, bro. I know. You get a nice blizzard. And they're... Dude, every town. It's like... There's just like nothing. DQ sticking up. You're like, fuck, bro. It's funny you notice that. I noticed that when I was down in Arizona. Did you? Every single small town.

Yeah, man. It's like, it's the, it's the Taco Bells too. And usually, yeah. Del Tacos. But yeah, DQ for sure. Might, might have to get into the DQ small town game. Just lording over small towns with the DQ. We had one in Mechanicsburg. It was a pretty big deal. Yeah, dude. They're fucking, every kid's sports game is straight to DQ. They do the hot food too. The little chili dogs. The mayor's got something to say about the DQ. I was going to say, Matt would be a great ice cream man.

I did work at an ice cream place before. My hygiene wasn't good. I would be in the back just like, oh, bro. I'd be like itching my butt in the back. They'd be like, get out there and make some cones. I'd be like, all right. I used to walk by the gallons, open the thing, and just scoop it with my hands and eat the ice cream. It was so gross. Matt, I worked in an ice cream factory, and my hygiene wasn't great either.

I would fucking sleep on the floor in the locker room and wake up and stick my hands straight in the ice cream. How could you not? If you ate Hershey's ice cream in 2010. Yeah, I was at Brewster's.

Brewster's fucking rules. That's a good place. Brewster's does rule. Yeah. Brewster's, it was a sick job, man. But, you know, whatever. I'll be honest. Come to think of it, the hygiene was low in the factory. Yeah. It was poor hygiene. Yeah, dude. Yeah, it's not the best. Yeah, I remember, like, for real, coming out of the bathroom from taking a dump and, like, handling a cone and the manager would be like, did you wash your hands in the bathroom? I'd be like, yes, dude. There's a sign, of course. Yeah.

What the fuck are you talking about? I just scratched my balls afterwards. I was like, yeah, what the hell are you talking about? Love seeing that sign at a place I don't work at. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Sucks for the employees. Sucks for those guys. I can go straight back out to the public with a dump on my hands. Straight back to the beer pong table. I don't think I, like, as a child, I know for a fact I never washed my hands after dumping.

Yeah, even, sadly, even as an adult, it's like, if I wash my hands after I take a piss, I'm like, really turned a corner. Am I a doctor? Mate used to not wipe his butt. Oh my God. Ew. You might be fart. You might be fart. You're not Earth, dude.

I saw it coming. I was like five or six. I didn't have time. I had to get back to my Power Rangers and my Beast Wars. So you would just not wipe your ass? I would just get right up. I learned my lesson quickly. It only takes a short amount of not wipes until, one, your underwear devastated. Holy shit. You must have had full dumps in there.

He must have had insane dumps. Did somebody step in on this or were you just naturally? I think my mom might have said something because at that age, I was still wearing straight, tighty-whities. So she was getting the laundry. It was fucking chaos. Yeah. She would hit me with, are you white? But I'd be like, yes. It was hot.

Shit. Yes. I went like a full, like maybe a year. Damn. But maybe, maybe. It must have been free though. That must have been nice. Just like popping up, being like suckers. I was still like, you know, I learned I was doing it myself. That's big once you start doing that. Yeah.

I'll be honest, as an adult, I've tried it a couple times. I'm like, you know, you're wiping. You're like, man, this is really getting me nowhere. Oh, yeah. I mean, you can hit a fucking give up. You can definitely look. That happens to everybody. Yeah, I've wiped seven times. I got to go about my day. I can't sit here wiping my ass for 20 fucking minutes. The give up never works. You end up going back to the bathroom. Yeah.

Or you just forget. I'll be like, before bed, I'll be like moving. I'm like, what the fuck? The hell's going on? My ass is itchy as hell. Literally last night, I was walking by. Last night? I took a nice dump during the day, and I thought it was fine enough. I was like, all right, I'm good to go. I was about to get ready for bed, and I was like, something's not right. Dude.

And I took a piss, and I was like... It's the father's intuition. I was like, let me just get one little ass wipe before bed. Dude, you would have thought I just shat. I was like, oh, no. I heard Brittany coming up the steps. I was like, real quick, why about this? When she catches me just wiping my ass at nighttime, she's like, what are you doing? I'm like, nothing. I'm getting ready for bed. Leave me alone. Yeah, I'm jerking off in here.

Getting my goop out. Getting my goop out. But yeah, I've unfortunately, yeah, I had a five-year-old's ass last night before bedtime. I thought I was like, I didn't even, you know, I didn't even thought I'd give up. I was like, I thought I was good to go. I thought I was Gucci. Turns out, not the case. No, we've all, there's nothing to be ashamed of. No, yeah. I hit it hard. I hit a give up the other day that's straight to the shower.

That's the move. That is the move, man. This isn't working. Yeah, straight to the shower. I walked past my whole family. I was in the downstairs bathroom. Brittany's like, are you done pooping? I was like, taking her to the shower. This was a disaster. This was a disaster. This was a complete disaster. I've got to wash my ass. I've got to power wash my asshole. What are we having for breakfast? Prepare breakfast. I'll be done washing my ass in a minute.

Next time she catches me wiping my ass at nighttime, I'm going to turn to her and go, these beautiful things that I like. Do a back flip off the toilet and land on my back. You got to hear the other guy. I forget the way it... It's like, you'll be married in the suburbs of the American dream. Who's that?

There's another sexy crooner right now? It's a white guy on Instagram. They call it Kyle Korn, this type of music. Yeah. Yeah. It's Kyle Korn. All you need is one good girl hit, man. Yeah. You're good to go. He's kind of getting clowned, though. Everyone's saying this is not it. What do you mean? It's just super corny. If Shane finds out, I'll look for it. Oh, I heard this song. Yeah.

Fuck. He seems old to be that whimsical and gay. I mean, how old is that boy? He's probably late 20s, I would say. That's when you're just getting old enough to become, honestly, even gayer. True. Some guys do double down. Oh, yeah. For sure. Yeah, he has like one person who had a kid. And he's like, oh, my God. Yeah. And you'll be in California. And I'll be dancing. Yeah.

You'll be fucking going to the grocery store you stupid bitch And I'll be singing you being everywhere he might have goop to that night though there's some people People filming that that looked like they're ready for some good women love nothing more than a guy I think he's a guitar be like it's so hard for you California

I'm telling you, you guys see Machine Gun Galley put out the Goop anthem in the summer, too. What was the Goop anthem he put out? He put out a full-on fucking Goop sesh for the broads. What was it? It was a screamo Goop sesh? Or was it more pop punk? It's pop. It's just pop. Yeah, he put out a nice Goop sesh. That guy is like the perfect celebrity, though. Just like he'll like one of those guys who'll just wear like Frankenstein boots. Oh, he's like going full Backstreet Boys. Yeah.

Whoa. Backstreet's back. All right. Backstreet's fucking back. Yeah, timestamp that. We're not allowed to play cool goop music. I think we play, if we're talking about it, it's Kraman license or whatever or something. Allegedly, I don't know. Allegedly. I put out a goop anthem. It's him and the California, dancing California guy. They're battling for the goop shot of the summer. True. What about fucking the dude at the piano backflipper? He's got some goop stuff coming. Yeah, I don't know about that.

He's got to get this goop up. He's got a couple goop songs. He needs a goop. He needs to release a song so he can... I think he's got some new goop shit coming. Yeah, I wonder who's battling for the song of the summer. Kanye threw down the gauntlet. Kanye's still leading, I'd say. I guess Nokia from Drake is... Really? ...hanging on. He gooped too early with that, though. Yeah, he should have saved it for the summer. He should have saved that for the summer. It's not too late for him to release a summer anthem. There's no great summer anthem right now besides...

I mean, what did we have last year? Last year we had some fucking bang. We had that guy, the tipsy, the guy, the black cowboy. Shaboosie. That was a good one. He fucking, oh, really? Was that the summertime? That was the song of the year. Yeah, but you can't part. That was like. This is, you are just whoopee from the view. You're the view, bro. You love the liberal anthem. He's goopy, dude. You love the liberal anthem. He's goopy.

You love when Kamala danced to it. Whoopi Goopberg. Dude, you couldn't turn on anything without hearing Not Like Us last year. For sure. Was that the summer anthem, though? It's not really a summer anthem. It's not. In any way. I don't know, dude. I think that song is what made gingers black. It actually might be. Hold on a second.

yeah maybe okay that could have been summer anthem maybe that was definitely the most played that was yeah for sure for fo show but again like dude i'm thinking kid rock summer anthem that was a real summer that's like party time i guess you can i don't know nobody partied to that song other than for real the dnc yeah exactly we're we're in need of a fucking summer banger shibuzi that was that last year like two years ago

Yeah, that was the summer anthem, dude. Let's all get real. Let's have a reality check here. It's time for a reality check. Can we please get back down to fucking Earth right now? It's time to get down to Earth. That was the summer anthem. You found a summer anthem? Well, what are they? There was...

I just typed it in. What about Espresso? I Had Some Help by Morgan Wallen. Had Some Help was a big one. Oh, yeah. That was a huge one. Hot to Go, Chapel Roan was a big one. That was last summer. These are all great summer answers. Million Dollar Baby by Tommy Richmond. Yeah, that was a big one. That was one you couldn't escape either. Shaboos. Yeah. Oh, and I found out the guy who sings that song in the backyard is Brendan Abernathy, an indie musician. Oh, nice. Nice. I've been Googling him. Good luck, Brendan.

He seemed to be a good sport about it. He made a funny video with that Kyle Gordon guy about it. Yeah. About people roasting him? Yeah, he seemed funny about it. People are claiming him pretty hard. Seems to be the price you pay, man. If you want to get a big follow on Instagram, you have to deal with people fucking hating on you. True. Like hard. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Kind of the price you pay, you know? It's good to...

check the comments before you do a uh press run for tires why did you do that i don't know i was bored i just kept looking at shit it's good yeah i think i'm doing too much and then you read all these comments the top comment like he's doing too much i know that's exactly what i thought well it's a good thing i have a press run for tires oh i blew it with kirby's well i had him i i told you the

They wanted me to do late night. I said, I won't do it without Gerby's. That way I can pants him. Yeah, for sure. And then I had him. I was like, we got to wear a tuxedo for Seth Meyers. And he was going to wear a tuxedo. And he called me and he was like, do we really have to wear a tuxedo? I was like, no. Oh, that was nice of you. I should have done it. That would be crazy, dude.

No, that's nice. I've still got some things up my sleeve for him. True. I mean, dude, honestly, it's kind of a 4D chess because now you're going, no, man, I'm just fucking around. No, I couldn't do that to you. Yeah, I couldn't do that to you. Guess what? Sweatpants. Turns out you gotta wear sweatpants. We have to wear sweatpants. That'll be so fucking funny. Fuck, I gotta get an outfit. I don't have any shit.

Yeah, what are you going to go with? Do you have to wear nice stuff to late night? I feel like at least a golf shirt and some jeans. Got it. Got it. Done. Golf shirt and jeans. Throw on some dungarees. Oh, man. I'm nervous about that. I don't like that. Late night? Yeah. You got to walk out through the curtain?

To the desk, you know that we're seated thing. Have you ever seen late-night television in any way? I've never seen it live No, like a good then when they bring out a guest you gotta walk out. Yeah. Yeah. Well, okay People will be happy will come out people go then you can go out dude if any all else fails They might not be that happy We thought it was gonna be Pedro Pascal They'll be stoked

gert just watching gerby's is gonna lose his mind it'll be so funny it'll be so fucking funny sitting there it's gonna be really bad there's no way it's good the best was last year when you guys did the tires premiere they tried to do a serious interview a serious interview after the premiere and then gerby sat next to me and was just going he's just staring i was like gerben he's talking he asked you a question he's like what's wrong with you he's like i'm having

I was like, oh, fuck, dude. You got to hit him with his cocktail before he goes up. He's going to get some cocktails. Oh, bro, you got to let him drink on that Xanax. I looked back when we were flying. I was just looking back at him. He's a fucking cat. He's a cat, dude. You got to literally inject him with drugs to get him on a fucking plane. I know. Yeah, give him the Xans, bro.

Give him like double the dose and let him just wear shades the whole time. That would be so nice. I'm just, I know what I'm doing. You should get one of those like fake press bars in Kensington. Just give him fat. Just give him fat. Just fucking kill him.

You know, I can't. I could get in a fight with him on Seth Meyers. That'd be sick. Just get in a fist fight with him. That'd be so funny, dude. Kirby's getting jacked, dude. He might be a problem. He's ripped, dude. He's absolutely ripped. But you've been training, so. I took a little week off there. Things are back in motion. Your muscles are just building back up, though. So you need some recovery. Yeah, it'll be very fun.

How is Seth Meyers? You ever met him before? I actually met him. He came at SNL. He came down to my green room just to say what's up. He was very nice. Yeah, I've heard that about a lot of the late night guys are like very nice. Yeah, I think they're all kind of the bros. Yeah.

Are you going to get hammered with him? I feel like Jimmy gets hammered. Jimmy Fallon gets hammered. Allegedly, Jimmy gets hammered. Drinking out of the mug would be sick, though. Allegedly. Allegedly. Allegedly. How would you not? I would have to be hammered every night to do that job. Bro, that job? Yeah. No offense to the late night guys. That's a...

Yeah, dude. I'd have to do something, man. That'd be crazy. The dudes that get that job, though, always wanted that job. Yeah. Every single one of them was like, I grew up watching Carson or all that. And they're like, this is all I've ever wanted. I always wonder when I hear people say that, because I don't have any version of that at all. I've never watched a thing as a child and been like, this is all I want. I just would sit there and just be like, fuck, dude, I can't wait to smoke a cigarette in the woods. This is going to be so sick. I never looked at a thing and I was like, one day I'll do that.

I was just sitting there going, damn, fucking hard as hell right now. Hiding a boner under a pillow. I didn't really have a choice, yeah. The only thing we watched as a family was just football. Yeah. And I was like, I'll play football. And then even by eighth grade, I was like, I'm not going to be good enough. Yeah, I had the opposite. I was in eighth grade. That was the one thing I was like, I'll definitely be in the NFL. It's just a matter of time. I told you about that. In our school, you wrote a letter to yourself when you graduate from eighth grade. Like a little time capsule. They give it to you.

When you're graduating. What'd you say? My letter was like, dude, obviously you're getting offers from Florida State, Notre Dame, Miami. And then it was like the next paragraph was like, yeah, right. You suck. You're probably going D2. I was like, all right, nice. That's so funny. You're just a bully from the past. You suck. Yeah, right, dude. You're not going D1. You suck.

That's so fucking funny. For real, remember, as an adult, like not an adult, but as a senior reading it, being like, God damn it, I didn't live up to my expectations. Oh, never mind, I knew. That's funny. Wise beyond your years. But yeah, the late night thing is giving me anxiety. But that'll be fun. Yeah, that seems kind of low-pressure. I'm just going to talk about how Gervie's a superstar now. Hilarious. If season two is a success, Gervin's going to be lost in the sauce. Oh, yeah.

For sure. He'll have his own little top golf castle. He's the king of Westchester golf. He really is. He made guys film him hit golf balls the other day. What? It was actually pretty exciting. Who was filming him? Just his country club boys. That's so fucking tight. He's a man there. He runs that. Shane, I gotta tell you, I think I'm the most famous guy at the country club. Ha ha ha!

He broke 80, though. He broke 80. Damn, really? No, Kirby's is fucking good. That's really good. And he filmed it. It was kind of nice. It was on his Instagram story. So he was like, I'm about to break 80 on this hole. What? This could be it. What did he shoot, like a 79 or 79? I think he shot a 79. Dang, he's been really golfing. Fuck it, yeah. That's awesome. I was pumped on myself. I did an under eight minute mile this morning. That's tough, dude. 755. Nice. I was fucking dying. Sick.

Ever since you told me about the Murphy workout, I was like, I got to do that. Murphy workout blows dick. Yeah. Don't do it. What is it? A mile? It's a mile and then like 300 pushups, 500. It's fucking crazy. Never mind. I did a baby version. I just did a mile. No, I did the, that's the one I did. Yeah. It's crazy. It's like 100 pushups. And I was like, all right, that's a lot. That's what I did. It was like 50 pull-ups. I was like, yeah, bad news for you, brother. You're going to have to do 50 pushups on my butt. One is tough. Yeah.

I'm going to rip my shoulders trying to get one. Yeah, you'll get fucked up, man. But yeah, that's the one thing I do like, having a little test going on where I'm trying to get stuff like that down over and over. It's pretty chill. 755 was huge. I was a 10-minute miler for a while. 10 minutes is nice. 10 minutes is chill. 10 minutes is attainable. 10 minutes is fucking chill. Yeah, I got an 811 a week before, and I was like, I got to break eight, and I looked.

And I was at like seven on the fourth lap coming like halfway around. And I just was like, I'm going to get a 730. And I looked down. It was like 757. I was like, I'll take it. That's great. It was nice. It was nice. I'm gonna try to break it. I'm going to try to break that seven. I could get, I could get like low sevens is my goal. I'd be chill. Low sevens would be sick. And then again, dude, just fucking hard, hard, rock hard in fantastic shape.

Just that's it. That's all I'll do for the rest of my life. Just have boners and run and not come and run. Yeah, that's kind of my plan. And I'm going to try. That could be your plan, dude. You'll be living the American dream. But you know what I'll be doing? All right, let's go to the Patreon.