Ep 564 - Cuddle Puddle (feat. James McCann, Tim Butterly, & Egan Robinson)
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The Wild Wild West Dude, can we start over? My voice cracked, dude. Leave it in. Hey. Hey guys. Hey guys. Um, thank you guys. Thanks for coming, man. Thanks for having me. Thank you for coming. I, um...

Yeah, I did wear a tank top. I wasn't, you know, it's not a good thing. I'm just trying to... I had a mog on us. I'm not mogging at all. I really, I'm humbly asking for notes from the viewership. You do enough in the question room. If you guys see anything you guys I need to work on, just let me know. You know, Arnold used to wear belly shirts when he was bulking just to give himself the motivation. Is that like it cuts off like right here? Yeah. Oh, that's kind of nice. I think laid back jacked is such a statement.

I'm not even joking. It's almost overpowering how nonchalant you're trying to be about it. I saw you at the pool two weeks ago. Your back is out of control. Are you serious? You've got a huge muscular back. Everybody noticed that you turned around. People I was with said, oh, it's from carrying this goddamn podcast. I don't even think they knew about comedy. People were going, you know a guy with a big back?

You serious? I never got to check my back. Is it going like Cobra style? Man. I've seen earlier pictures of you. No one accidentally gets a huge ripped back. You're like a manta ray. Dude, I swear to God. It's just Maka. My stack is just Maka and Sheila Jeet.

Yo, I just got on the jeep today. Did you really? It's gross. It tastes nasty. It's like scary how bad it is. I got it also from a sketchy online web store. It's just like a black tar. I don't even know what it is. It smells gross. I'm like, let me just put it in here.

I guess I put it in water and just drink it, but it was really nasty. It's gross. You got to kind of put it in coffee, I feel like. Okay, yeah. It said to put it in milk. People put it in milk. I was like, that sounds like a weird combo. Yeah, I've tried to put it right under my tongue, and it's just like... Yeah, me and the guys at the gym, we just go raw. You've load maxed for a while.

Oh, is that why you're doing it for low taxing? I'm just going just kind of a male enhancement all around. Yeah. I'm going, uh, Zink, Zink, uh, L Arginine, Arginine. And I'm doing two more that I forget the name. Are you still LM? I haven't since I started the move, but yeah, I was doing it for about a month or two. Yeah. What's, what's like the ideal amount of time to like load max before it's like, now I'm going to let the load out. Like, you know, it's, I'd say you're probably not going to see any results until like, uh,

like probably a week or two in. Like the first day you take it, it's like, who gives a fuck? And then like two weeks in, you're just like, I can never go back. And then you fall off one day and you go, I'll get back to it. And then you never take it again. And then all the supplements expire in your cabinet. You did get that one time. That's my experience with low-dose. You did get that one time. Yeah, you kind of like, I don't know. It's not sustainable. You're not going to be impressed by your look because then you're just like, well, now I need to go bigger.

I did raise the bar. I raised the bar for your load. It's the secret to having a large amount of ejaculate, not just to wait a couple of days. If you just wait a couple of days, don't you have a lot of time? But if you do both of those things in conjunction, then every day, a huge, not every day you, you save it for like this. This is what I do now. I just go like, I've started telling my wife, I've talked about this before, but it's like, I have completely lifted my off, my like sexual offense. Yeah.

I've retired it completely. You're playing a defensive game now? No, I just, I tell her, like, look, I'm just here. I'm not going to pressure you about it. I was like, I'm trying to retain. If you need to break the glass, you go right ahead, but try not to do it more than once a week. And now is this having the reverse psychological effect that you're hoping it does? For sure. Or are you just withering away? No, dude, I'm just retaining seed and just getting. That's what's up. That's what's up. I'm full the full year.

Not a full year, but since I haven't jaded off since 2024 because I love to tell people like, oh, you jerk off. That's so 2024. So you've been off the nog since... Yeah.

2024. Yeah, I've been off the nog, off no porn, no Jane Off. No PMO. What's PMO? Porn, masturbation, orgasm. Definitely been off of that. Come on. But I will say the amount that I think about it. It's the PMO cycle. I thought it was piss me off. My daughter's been saying PMO all the time. That's what she means. She keeps saying TSPMO.

And now I'm with TSPMO me. This shit pissed me off. Oh, it's probably this shit pissed me off. I thought transsexual messed up. Transsexual. TAS should be transsexual. TSPO. Yeah, transsexual.

Transsexual pornography masturbation orgasm. You might want to dig in. I went wrong somewhere maybe six years ago. No, we'll be okay. But yeah, I'm so far past. I don't even... I mean, I think about it. Do you ever feel the urge? Do you ever feel the pull? Just constantly. Well, it's really mainly like... It is kind of nice because I feel the urge only when I'm in my apartment not doing anything because it's literally just an indication that I should...

go out and do something. But only when I'm like, yeah, when I'm just like wallowing away. Pavlov's hog. Yeah, yeah. Oh, the hotel rooms on the road are very scary, yeah. I just download, I just download a dating app and just swipe to see like, is someone sexually interested in me at all? And like,

it's yeah it's crazy I'm just like basically gooning on Tinder just like who wants to fuck me if you're completely resisting the urge what are your social media algorithms looking like so I have been I will say I'm the type of guy that I have been slowly like unfollowing like any kind of like hot girl account and then if anyone even posts anything that has like like a girl in a bikini or anything I'm just like I don't need to see this filth on my timeline I just unfollow it so it's a lot more it's basically my algorithm is all just like

Just like anime videos, like Catholic bullshit, basically. I was following NoFlyHoney's and the algorithm found me out. Yeah, they send salvos into your timeline all the time. But I found you can reset it. You can fully default. What's NoFlyHoney? What is that? I wasn't following any FlyHoney's on my Instagram. Oh, you said not the babes? I thought you were going to get off the ground. I'm like, that's what I'm saying.

So you have no fly babes. No, but then the algorithm still goes, you've lingered on this. Obviously, you like this. Yeah, yeah. But I found you can do a hard reset on it where you go, just take me back to day one of the algorithm before you knew anything about me. You're throwing the baby out with the bathwater then. I was getting women making sourdough with huge breasts. Yeah, yeah. Wow, that's crazy. We were just watching that on paintings in the mouth. I mean, it's... Yeah, there was like porn warm-up girls. I'm always kind of like...

Is it like, do they stop? Is that like a woman dipping her toe in sexual entertainment? Oh, on my Instagram and stuff? Yeah, the ones who aren't doing like porn and OnlyFans. Yes, digital fluffers. But sometimes they're still part of the ecosystem of the flesh. I feel like they make like soft like... Big ecosystem. Yeah. Yes. I think they try and butter you up. They try and calm you down. They try and go, this is all right. Well, that gets you going. They know. They're trying to...

I believe. On the X. I had to get off the X. That's all porn. It was all porn, but then I would find that at other times when I was... I think they geotag it as well. I noticed the algorithm was different. When I was out and about in public, I was getting different things recommended to when I was alone in a room. Yes. What do you mean? You were just walking down the street? You're like, fuck, it's changing. No, I was like, there's nothing erotic here.

Really? This is nice. And then I was alone in a room and it was very erotic. And they know where I am. You might just be in a room getting horny too, though. To be fair, you could be right. You could be right, but that could be... I know that because I get in a hotel room and I'm like...

I look like Britney Spears from like an early music video. I'm just laying on the bed like, I'm just gyrating my hips on the bed. I'm bound in chains. Like the algorithm's crazy right now. I did. I bought a new phone though. I'm trying again with a dumb phone. Oh,

Oh, really? I've got the minimalist phone. It's a normal Chrome phone. It's like a flip. No, it just has an e-reader, Kindle screen. So you can do everything on it, but it looks terrible. It's black and white. I'm going to text you 80085. That's not bad. So you're going for the kind of like somewhat dumb phone, but it'll give you maps and stuff though? Maps, Uber, Spotify. That's all you need. And then I think I'm safe.

And then I think I can just live a normal life in the world. You're going to see one set of grayscale tits and it's going to change everything. Now you're going to be like, oh, I'm going to get a fucking... But I'll be chasing that in real life. I'll start wearing weird glasses in the bedroom. Start getting Etch-a-Sketch-a-Ship from Vietnam. You have an artist down there. You got a plug down there. Hello. No, it's my egg rolls. Oh, your egg rolls. Hell yeah.

Thank you. Time out. Pause the podcast. We finally got your egg rolls. No, no. I can wait. I can hold off. I can delay gratification. No, dude. Are you serious? If you can go without ejaculating in almost a year, then I can.

You're soft mode, basically. What's soft mode? Soft mode is when a woman can get it out of you. Oh, no. So I'm trying to do... I'm hard mode. I mean, I'm the hard all the time mode, basically. But I... You're celibate. Yeah. I'm trying to be... Because I'm trying to be like a good Catholic man. Desert Catholic. Desert. Yeah. I'm like a desert father right now. Just fucking... Yeah. Just in my exodus. Just roaming around the desert getting lost. Yeah.

But I'm jacked as well. What? Oh, yeah. Yeah. I thought you meant I was getting nothing. No, I'm not. I'm I've been going to get jacked one way or the other. Dude, that's the thing. I've been trying to let my back is just full of fucking cum. What's your secret? I was like, well, you got to you got to not jerk off for six months that you start there.

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It's been good. What do you do if you're walking down the street and you see an attractive woman? I just fall in love immediately. I have a giant heart pounded out of my chest, my tongue on rolls. God forbid I'm wearing glasses because those eyeballs are going to shoot through and break. I've read you're supposed to, from desert Catholic training, you're supposed to just see them. And as soon as you feel your body chemistry change, you just wish them the best.

I just really hope she has a good life. It's like sailing a hill and marrying my brain. I can't think of her like that. I think there's two monks walking along, and the old monk and the young monk, and they see a beautiful woman. And the young monk shields his eyes and looks away, and the old monk is able to look at her, and the young monk's like, oh, are you a pervert? You're able to look at a woman? And the old monk's like, I'm so ordered. I'm able to look at a woman and just move on with my day. I don't have to hate myself. I don't have to hate God's beautiful woman.

creation in that woman's huge lovely breasts and uh well that was Gandhi's movie that's what I do when I see women I'm like I'm so ordered I don't even think you're hot Gandhi was sleeping in a bed with girls sleeping in a bed with young uh concubines I guess cause he could avoid the temptation he never even weren't they his like nieces yeah

Yeah, you know, you got to take what you get. Work for what you got. Small village, yeah. For sure. I heard Gandhi did that. Yeah, he would lay in bed and not do anything. Oh, just cuddle puddle? Cuddle puddle. He probably went arms at his sides completely rigid, just like, I'm not even... I don't even feel anything about this. I don't feel your flesh on me. People are going, Gandhi, we need you to write legislation for the country. You've got a job to do. No, I have to be in the bed with the... He's just starving, starving in a cuddle puddle. I mean...

He's zooming out. You know, he didn't know people would know about that. I think he tried about it. How old was he when he did that? That's the question. He was older, right? Well, when he was younger, I think his... I might get this wrong. I think his father died and he was having sex with his wife at the time. Like, he was meant to be in there with his dad, but he said, oh, I might have sex with my wife and then go and visit dad. But first, sex with the wife. And then he died and he felt so ashamed that he stopped...

Oh, his father died. Yeah, like it was something like he could have seen his father one more time if only he hadn't.

That was why I never jacked on holidays as a child because I thought my grandparents were going to die on a holiday on Thanksgiving or something. And it would be like, oh man, God was busy watching me jack off instead of saving my grandmother's life for Thanksgiving dinner. That's true. So I avoided it every single time. And eventually I broke and it was just every day for the rest of my life. Yeah, I used to torture myself over the Easter beet. That was the one that really I'd be like,

Come on, dude. Don't do it. And it was just... I'd be on autopilot with the Kohl's catalog bra section like, Forgive me, father.

And it's also rough because then you actually have to go to mass and be like, I just... I was post-mass. Oh, man. I used to get torqued at Easter mass. Like, wildly so. It was crazy. See everybody in their Sunday's best. It's beautiful. Oh, my God. I'm so horny. Summer dresses. Spring has sprung. Yeah. New hairstyles. You know, the girls are trying out new looks that you're not really getting in the class. Dude, I mean, genetically, I was a pagan. I was just the goddess Freya, dude, was just...

It's Oster for you. You're having the full pagan fertility festival. What's Oster? Oster. Oh, yeah. I wouldn't say original, but that's all. Whenever Dan Brown's like, did you know that Easter was actually a sex festival? Hmm.

hmm it's called austin the viking i don't like that at all i don't believe that dude neither the aphrodite shit is crazy the temple of aphrodite i don't know anything about the temple of it was uh fuck when it was like around the time when paul was riding around being like trying to get everyone to become christians oh he's sending his letters yeah when he sent all his epistles and uh and they were like he's like come to a church with us and they had there was one place i forget where it was but they were like

We have a temple that just sells meat, and then there's just... It was like literally OnlyFans in real life. Yeah. It would just be a temple of maidens. This is a big thing in the ancient world was the priestess whore. Yes. Because I know in Gilgamesh, there's the... Ah, this might not be exciting. No, I like to hear it. I'm all ears. Gilgamesh is too powerful. The gods want to crush him, so they sent for him a...

I think his name is Eridu or something but he's a big hairy guy who's crazy and the whole town is ruined by this hairy man who's meant to get in Gilgamesh's way he's too powerful it's a very strange introduction to the story but then the townspeople get together and they go take him to the priestess hooker and he'll have sex with her and then he'll be civilized because he'll be ashamed from having oh the hairy guy will be yes and then he comes and then immediately he goes oh what have I been doing

I've got to get my life together. And that's the start of the Epic of Gilgamesh. He lost his strength. But the strip club and the temple were one. Yeah. Which also at a strip club, that is the vibe of the men. At a woman's strip club, everyone's hooting and hollering and they're going woo and they're trying to bite people. And at a men's strip club, usually just very sad, lonely guys sitting there alone staring into the temple of the flesh. Oblivion. Yes. Yeah, true. Yeah.

That's true. It's a lot more reverent, I would say. Except, yeah, but then you get like when you're throwing money at them. I guess, I don't know. Different races, different strip clubs, I would say, would be it. You never tossed bills? Oh, no. In Australia, we don't. That's a regular. Really? Yeah, that's pretty regular. That's America. I mean, I'm sorry. We don't have dollar bills might be a big difference. Throwing a big fiver is... How long am I going to be here for? That sounds like a...

I've got college tuition to prepare for. Yeah, they throw money at my... I saw someone throw a quarter at a stripper's butthole one time. That was... You're getting... Coins are like no-go. Okay. Yeah, you get in trouble for that. I had a dark time back when I was like a wee lad. I did the fold on the... And they clapped their ass shaking. You made a little mousetrap. Dude, the whole time the DJ was like, yo, give it up for Bieber. Yeah.

Hold on, so you would put it on your face? Full, I'd go to lipsticks, three X's, lipsticks, and then... You would just try to catch, you would try to catch the snail. They would catch it with their ass cheeks. Whoa. I just got fucking pink eye or something. What? That sounds like a talent. You were playing like claw game. Yeah, but they're very accurate claw game. Whoa. Yeah.

And the prize was pink. Did you ever go to Thailand? No. This episode is brought to you by Dude Wipes. If you're still dry wiping with toilet paper, you need to stop being an a-hole to your b-hole and switch to Dude Wipes. Isn't that funny?

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You know, the Thai have sex. You know, the Thai, they have the weird sex show. Maybe this is just the thing we know about in Australia because that's where everybody goes. But in Thailand, that's the spot. The lady's shooting ping pong balls and having live creatures come out. I've been to one of those. You know about that stuff? What's the other thing about Thailand that people want to go for? Because that seems to be it. Ah, the monarchy.

The beautiful monarchy that we all love so much. Great rock and roll music of the late 60s, early 70s. Australia, yeah, you guys are close to Thailand, so that's where you guys go. It's where a lot of our more... Sometimes, though, often in Australia, there's a man who loves going to Thailand. Because you guys do gap years and stuff. Yeah, but you'll know a guy at the office always. You'll be working somewhere, and there's a guy who just...

goes to Thailand twice a year and is everybody suspicious of him or are you guys they're comedians who are like I can't wait to get back I do my podcast in Thailand all the time it's frowned upon in America if you know anyone who goes to Thailand it's kind of like if you're not Thai if you are Thai fine you're allowed to go back to Thailand if you're white you gotta get over there so people can fuck you once every four years is the absolute maximum four years?

Yeah, you're right. I think going there at all. I'll never go there. Yeah, I can confidently say I've never been to Thailand. They're Dubai. My wife's trying to go to Dubai and I was like, Brittany, I'll never ever go to fucking Dubai in my life. Just hang out with some sheiks. I just have no interest. It's like Atlantic City run by Muslims.

And then it's like, I'll get arrested if I have a vape pen in my... It's like Atlantic City, 15 years in the future. Yeah. Well, it's also like, and if I have a vape cartridge in my bag, I'll go to jail for seven years. It's like, yeah, bro, no fucking thanks. I mean, you think Britney will observe enough decorum so that she doesn't end up in an underground prison? She'll be like that lady. Do you remember that one Muslim lady in Pakistan? I need $100,000 to fix this country. Wait, what happened? What happened?

Some black lady tried to take over Pakistan for $100,000. Nice. You didn't see the video? She tried to take it. It's incredible. They were just a black lady in Pakistan. She got catfished all the way to Pakistan and then showed up and did like a press conference that made like national news. And she said, I need the government to give me $100,000. The roads aren't paved. I don't know if I've seen a bathroom since I got here.

I'm going to fix this. Y'all need to give me the money. And I think she disappeared for a while after that. I haven't heard from her yet. They just like stung her. It was a failed campaign. They didn't want to solve the problem. Someone must have gone. I think Beyonce went over there and rescued her. They sent the Brittany Griner Defense Force through. Extract her. I did see in the clip, the Pakistani dudes were kind of laughing. I didn't know if they'd be like spazzing. You could see them in there like.

They thought she was playing. True. Wait, did she want the money to fix the country for them? Yeah, she said, you give it to me, I'll make it happen. Yeah, I think she wanted money too. I think she wanted it for herself too. I'll pay myself out, but then I'll pave all the roads and...

I don't know. And then I'll have $80,000 left for me. She needed like $3,000 a week, I think she wanted. She was like, I want $3,000 a week. And then maybe I think she was like, all right, give me a fucking lump sum. I can fix Pakistan for $3,000 a week, I think. Also, can anyone just like have a press conference? It's like, I need to call a press conference in Pakistan. They had a black lady wilding out. I don't think they've ever had a black lady wilding out in Pakistan. We're going to put her on the news. This is crazy. It's just insane.

I mean, you know what the divorce rate is in Pakistan? No. It's like zero, one or zero percent. Respect. That's at least my Uber driver told me that. I think that's not true. I swear to God, dude. Isn't it? Because in Islam, it's usually very easy to get a divorce. Yeah, they do like one hour divorce and then you go back. In Iran. I thought that. Are they not able to have multiple? Is that another thing that they do? You can. You got to afford it. You got to prove you can afford them. And you are not allowed to have a threesome. I found out. The wives are not allowed to be in a bedroom together. What?

And they get you on different days. So if you have two wives, you get to pick a four-day-a-week wife and a three-day-a-week wife. Really? And it's a split marriage. Wait, you can't mix wives? No, the wives don't get to get up to any time. They're both married to you, but they're not married to each other. I did a lot of reading about this when I was thinking about Islam. Really? And then I saw that and I thought, this is not as fun as it sounds. 0.3% to 0.7% divorce rate. That's very low.

Yeah, bro. It's admirable. What's the rate of killing your wife? I don't think it's accurate. It probably matches the divorce rate in the U.S. 53%. Probably don't have accurate numbers for that because of the way they are. Yeah, I told you, man. What are the rates of freak wife accidents?

Now, if I was in Pakistan, say I had three wives, could I have one wife where all we did is I brought her around, had a bag of toys, and then I got to have my friends have sex with her? That's what apparently Kanye West was doing. I think that's hurrah. It's called a freak bag. It's a freak bag. You bring a freak bag for your wife. There's a term for it. It's called, oh, God, what's the name? It's like an elevated cucking where it's like you're way more proactive. Yeah.

Fuck, I've got to find the term for that. Well, you're pimping your wife out. Sort of. No, there's no money. There's no money. Oh, you're a pro boner. It's all play. It's all play. You bring a freak bag. You show up and you bring a freak bag.

Let me see if I can find the video. It's not hot wifing. It's a whole. I'll just throw it out there. Hold on. I'll get this term. I think Kanye's journey along the road to Christianity has taken a couple of big left turns. He did, yeah. I'll find this. Those are God's favorite. The prodigal. The prodigal. He's got to come back. You know? Ooh.

What greater proof than someone on a journey like that? Freak bag. It's called like a, here we go, here we go, stag vixen. Whoa. It's called a stag vixen. Just because it has a cool name doesn't make it right. Yeah, it's a cool name. Yeah, it's called a hoe bag. That's what you bring up. You bring a hoe bag full of toys and you go to a party and you just kind of like, and it's just, I don't know, that's what they said Kanye and Diddy were doing. Yeah.

I heard a rumor that he suspected she was some sort of federal agent sent to spy on him. Really? And that he was embarrassing her on purpose. Oh, kind of like humiliation kind of thing. Bringing a bag where other men will... Stagvixen? Yes. Again, this is all obviously here. The theory is... It's definitely evidence in its own right. Kind of makes sense why he spent so much time in Japan. I feel like that's something they'd be kind of into over there.

you know yeah who that kind of play the japanese yeah yeah true they kind of had they kind of sexually uh unusual before the atomic explosions or did that kick that off i don't know i think there's like ancient scrolls of like a middle-aged japanese man smoking a cigarette and fucking with this face like a girl cries there is an ice mat there is a genuinely there's an octopus print yeah hundreds of years ago oh like an early early woman being entered by an octopus

I think the Hawaiians have that with like an eel. There was a giant eel that was fucking ladies in like the Polynesian culture. We're the Hawaiians, aren't they? Maui. Maui killed them. It didn't make its way into Moana. That's Moana 3. That's like the X and XX version of it that they do. Dang, you're going to fucking like Disney cut porns, dude.

Sometimes it pops up. I don't look at that. Back in my early days, back in my dark days. Yeah, right, dude. Just watching it and just being like, yeah, I remember this movie. It'd be so much better. I never got into the cartoon, like Simpsons porn. I never got into that. Well, you missed out. That was my first. You know that curiosity in the back of your mind that kind of never goes away no matter how old you get? Sometimes it's cool to indulge, man. That was my first thing. What was Homer working with?

Packin' heat, I would guess. They didn't hog out anybody on the Simpsons porn. No, yeah. Wait, anybody? I might be thinking of Bart's boner right now, but I don't think I saw anyone with huge meat on any of that shit. Bro, that's CP, bro. Bart's in the fourth grade. That's CP. Yo. Yeah, well.

So you're saying they all worked with kind of regular men. I'm going to barricade myself in my home with Simpsons porn. Come and take it, pigs. It's just Marge sucking off Bart. I always found that The Simpsons was fairly erotic enough. You always think that they have a good, healthy sex life in their marriage. Like a lot of shows, you can't pick the sexual dynamic of the characters, but...

Marge and Homer are, I think, very satisfied in one another. You never get the sense that... No? I've never once thought that. Like Hank and Peggy, I go, I don't know what they're getting up to. I don't know how the King of the Hill sex life is. But I always think... Marge struck me as kind of a freak, actually. Yes. No, Marge and Homer, they have a very sensual relationship. It is very sensual. It's communicated very clearly.

There's little moments where Homer will say something like, I'll do that thing where I nibble on your elbow or whatever. And Marge goes... Also, homie. The homie. I kind of like her little pet name. Homie. That's some tension. You think Homer ever sucks Marge's tits? Yes. Gotta, right? Well, she's given birth very recently. She'd still be breastfeeding. He's probably not allowed to touch them. Because for the entirety of The Simpsons, they have a...

a one-year-old baby. We've never seen Marge nurse, and now this is suddenly bothering me. Oh, I never thought of that. Marge doesn't breastfeed. How did they not tackle that topic when that became a big thing and women started breastfeeding at restaurants? How did they not do a Marge episode where she was like... Whipping it out. Yeah.

Yeah, man. Yeah, I feel like women used to like, didn't you still like hide a woman in the basement to breastfeed? Because I never saw women. They're trying to do that. Actually, I feel like when I had little brothers and sisters, I feel like I might have walked into the room one time and be like, Jesus fucking Christ. There's a lot of, I mean, at the airport they have those pods. The pods are nice. Which I assume guys are using for jacking off. Featuring lactation. Yeah, the goon pods. I shamed somebody recently in the airport for a family bathroom.

I was waiting outside the whole family and I'm like taking for fucking ever. And I don't hear any kids. I'm like, this is a mother. This is someone taking a shit. Yeah. And I waited and waited. It's like, oh, I'm in here. Took a sweet time. And I was just boiling, dude. Cause like my kid, like there was lit and there was like a line for the other, the girl's bathroom. Yeah. So it was just like long as fuck. And my kids were like, the boy's bathroom is disgusting. I kind of drove it in their heads. I'm like, you guys don't want to be in here. This place is fucked up. And then I, the guy opens the door and I was like,

What the fuck, dude? Where's your kids? And he was like, rumbled away. Fully shamed him. It's great. You got to feel handicapped for the first time. Yeah. I am handicapped. I've made the argument. If you have two kids in your car, you can park in a handicapped spot. You're fully handicapped. It'd be easier to get around in a wheelchair. Put me in a fucking wheelchair for a week. No, I'm on board with this. Piece of cake, dude. Too many handicapped spots now in America. I went to a theme park. I went to King's Island in...

Cincinnati. It was a theme park. You can't get it. I paid extra for the premium parking. Well behind the handicap. All fucking handicap. That's all handicap. I will say this. Reduce the number of handicap spots. Yes. Or should we start checking? Here's what I say. Reduce the number of handicapped. Well, it should be if you want the classic blue and white logo. Yeah, you have to have like

some sort of proof on your windshield of like what you're working with if you're just fat handicapped there should be a handicap with a there's a small fat so just there should be regular handicap and then just purely fat handicap it's just they should make you watch ads too for fat no ads just a carl's junior

To help you change, it should be a slightly smaller park. They do that on, fuck, what is it? Southwest Airlines. Because you can pay to get on first to try to get those first four seats. We have super leg room. But then it's like, you have people in wheelchairs and it's like, whatever. I don't think they're even allowed in those front seats. Then you'll get fat handicap. And you're just like, you son of a bitch. I know you're taking those two front seats, you motherfuckers. Just standing there. Nothing, just no wheelchair, no cane, just...

Just crushing some new balances leaning forward. Have you actually had the experience of getting stuck next to a significantly obese person on a flight? No. I've had people complain about my back being too big. I've discovered a Southwest trick. I've been buying two seats just in case. Please stop laughing, you lads. He's too small. I've got to move on Southwest now. What do you do?

Because you're walking down the aisle and everyone's window seat, aisle seat in the middle. You look for people who look like they know each other who are spread out and you sit in between them and then they feel uncomfortable with the stranger sitting between them that they will give you either the aisle or the window usually. Ooh.

Yes. This is a good move. I do late. I don't ever upgrade it. I purposely do late like boarding group C or whatever because single man, I'm trying to... I go in there and just like scope out. There's like a pretty girl. Just sit totally next to me. It's like, whoa, that's so crazy. We sat next to each other.

Did you go to Tulsa a lot? Last time I flew, I didn't mean to do this on purpose, but I said it's like a pretty Latin lady, which is kind of my favorite. And I carry a rosary with me, usually, and I had it in my pocket. Bro, you're peacocking. I thought I left it. I thought I dropped it. I was like, very loudly, I was like, did I drop my rosary? Oh, no, it's in my pocket. Thank goodness. Oh, hey.

I'm sorry if that's uncomfortable pushing up against your enormous Latina ass. I dropped my rosary and magnum condom. Excuse me. I have to get under there. Did you just let it drop out of the side of your hands like this? Like every Rufus tattoo?

I just have it kind of dangling out of one pocket. Like, oh, what's... Oh, rosary. What'd she say? Oh, I didn't... She didn't say anything, but... Did she give you a Dios Mio? No, no. That would have been it for me. I would have probably come in my pants with an ideas Mio. Thank God she didn't tempt you. I'm going to Southwest and just stand next to the stewardess the whole time. Like, oh, I'm sorry. I thought we could just sit wherever you want. Just sit wherever you want.

I'm sitting in the cockpit. I'm going to the cockpit. I want to finally get... I wonder if I dress my son up or one of them like a little pilot and I say, he loves this. Oh, he loves pilots. They wouldn't let you fly? No, but maybe they'd let him in there and I'd get to accompany him into the cockpit. You can do that. If you're bored, you can be like, my kid wants to look in. That's my plan. They don't let you in there, just him? It's like, whoa, what the hell? No, no, no. I wouldn't allow that. True. I'm not letting those pilots sit all there. Dude, every pilot looks exactly the same.

For the most part. I would say 80% of pilots look exactly the same. Same haircut. Same salt and pepper. Same build. It's crazy. Same voice on the intercom. Talk exactly the same. There might be some sort of thing they learn to do for air traffic control. You guys watched the rehearsal, right? I loved it. I haven't seen it. I heard it's good. All right. So there's kind of an explanation for it. Why? If you express any kind of personal shortcomings, people start to look at you because it's like,

that leads down a path of like, is this guy suffering from like a mental health thing? Spoiler alert, they're all very autistic. Dude, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe it attracts a certain type or maybe you mold yourself into the right type. But in the last episode...

Nathan actually does a commercial flight in a 737 with an actual pilot as his co-pilot. And the guy completely goes like normal Spongebob and seems to not even have a thought the entire time. Whoa. Yeah, they're showing him, trying to talk to him. The guy's like, what? And they're just doing what? Back and forth? And Nathan was like, I thought you were about to say something. And the guy goes...

No, if I think anything that I have to say, I'll say it out loud and then just eyes forward the entire flight.

There's no like, what's up, man? You see the game? Yeah, yeah. None of that. They either do not think or they are able to suppress every thought that they have. Whoa. Pretty weird. Dude, I've been watching The Accountant 1 and 2. Dude, how is 2? I want to see it real bad. 2 is pretty sick. It leans into kind of like the bromance between him and his brother a lot. But I've been wondering if like altists are kind of like an adaptation to live in kind of a more like computerized society.

And two, they are using the Altus kids from the academy as kind of like their own little powerhouse to gather information. I'm like, dude, we're going to be... These guys are going to be hockey minds. We need farms for these people. This is why Bill Gates is vaccinating Africa.

He wants his own little... Autistic army. He wants the Autist fucking squad. If we're going to finally turn this into a techno-futurist regime, they need the gift of the autistic. He's got to be careful because then they can hit him with a little Dragon Ball Z, take the whole place down, drop the power grid. They'll be in there fucking...

Trying to move water bottles with their mice. I watched that video last night of the dude showing his progress of moving water bottles and stuff. And I was like, how is he doing that? This episode of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast is brought to you by Dude Wipes. Riff prompts. When you wipe, are you sitting or standing? I started out sitting today and then I actually... Actually, I'm not lying. I got saved by Dude Wipes today. I was in the bathroom taking a dump at Shane's house and...

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So no more endless rolls or settling for less than perfect wipes. Dude Wipes, best clean, pants down. Available on Amazon and at major retailers nationwide. But yeah, I've been going around for the last like three days pretending I'm the accountant pretty much the whole time. It's pretty sick.

The Count is such a big W for white guys. Yeah. For white dorks. It's huge. It's crazy. I'll watch any bro movie with Bernthal. He's really good in that role. He's great. Like Fury, I rewatched Fury pretty often too. That's a great bro movie if you guys have never seen that. Bernthal's a... Yeah, I was trying to tell Brittany. I was like, dude, he's like maybe... He's like the best...

He's really good. Everything I've ever seen him in, he's just spazzing, does a good job. I don't like the lollipops, and they count in two. That's my one gripe. He just has lollipops in his mouth all the time. It's like a... Just a thing. I'm like, dude, come on. Fucking lollipop out here. It's like a toothpick. I wonder if he made that as his own, like, oh, I'm going to method this. I wondered if he methoded... What if he sucked lollipops the whole time? That's what I was thinking about. I'm like, dude, if he put this in himself, I'm going to be pissed. I was wondering if Bernthal is...

Well, all right. You remember when the Shia LaBeouf stuff happened? Yeah. And Bernthal was his bro in his corner the whole time? Yeah. And he was doing a podcast. Bernthal actually thinks he is the Punisher in real life. I know. He thinks he is the hard-nosed grit man. Yeah. And not just like a... A thespian? A bisexual theater kid. Well, no one else is a mask actor. There's a big absence of masculine...

Timothy Chalamet is the leading man for everything. He's a womanly girl. He's not that mask. Yeah, he's a waif. Who's the Spider-Man now? Tom Holland. Tom Holland's very... I'm fond of Tom. He's British and gay. Yeah, Bernthal's mask. Honestly, these guys are all the same. Well, here's the thing. To be fair, every movie I watch, I'm like, yeah, I'm that guy. For at least two weeks and it wears off. If I was the character, it would warp me, dude. I would completely think I'm a Navy SEAL. So I think it's a hazard of the industry.

He's been so method for so long. He's been so method. I think he's lost in the role. I think he's tough now. I guess so, man. I swear to God. I'm still watching the rest of the account, too. I haven't finished it yet. So in my head, I'm like, nah, he's tough as fuck, dude. You have no idea. He could beat up a whole room of people. Probably could. It's basically perfectly manifesting in his brain. Just him doing these tough guy roles has just became his inner monologue. He's like, I'm the tough guy. Well, you watch the podcast you were talking about, him and Shia LaBeouf, they do talk like...

It's like a mix of Navy SEALs and Cholo Gangbangers. It's a different... It's a whole different language, huh, bro? Brother. Brother. Let me tell you something about this, brother. They talk like macho man. You have to think about yourself, brother. You know, as a man... And I'm coming to you as a man. And you're a man. And they're just...

The only word they're saying is man for upwards of three minutes. How long have we been brothers for, brother? Let me tell you something. Man, I don't know, brother. Let me tell you something about brothers. Brother, about as long as I've been a man. It's one of the all-time great podcasts. Relatively recently. It's one of the greatest podcasts ever recorded.

Look, I'm not down with you hitting and pushing your wife, brother, but I get it, brother. I'm here for you in the corner. When you go to hit your wife, I'm that kind of guy that's grabbing your arms, driving my dick into your back. But I'm not right with that. If you want to punch your wife in the face, look, man to man, I get it. Brother to brother, that's a different story. I'm going to jump in front of the fist, and if my head hits her head, that's on her. She's going to move. Doing bull shots on a guy's wife.

Clink me in the corner. Maybe I'll bounce off and catch her in the fucking nose. But look, brother. Yeah, it's the best. Those two. If you want to jack off in a chair while I punch her in the face, brother, that's your prerogative, man. I actually tombstone my ex-wife and killed her. It was an accident. It was a tragic accident. I threw my wife off a hell of a cell, brother.

I was actually thinking about that. I think yesterday I was thinking about Shia LaBeouf. I like Shia LaBeouf. I like Shia a lot. I like him a lot. But I was thinking like... I think he's still with that lady. I don't know. I could be wrong. The FK... The tweets? No, he got back with his...

Oh, so that wasn't his wife? He didn't hit his girlfriend? Did he hit FKA Twigs? I think it was FKA Twigs that he... Yeah, and again, I don't know if it was like a push. I don't know. I thought he intentionally gave her a sexually transmitted disease. I think that's also... And then she wrote a great album about it called Eusexua, which is...

Maybe it's not even about, it's about movements. It's a great album. Great art has come out of that intentional STD. Yeah, I don't, okay, so that's on the record that he just didn't tell her. I don't know. She, he apologized, but he was very vague about it. It's not clear what he's... Fully converted to Catholicism, apologized. I kind of like his arc so far. He was, I hadn't seen his, I hadn't seen his half on his arc, but he was out in, he came to the club. He was at the mothership.

Like a couple months ago. Really? I watched the show and he was lovely and he had his dad there. And then I was looking him up on the internet and I think the night before he was arrested for jaywalking because he kept calling a policeman silly.

He went to cross a main road, and the policeman said, you can't do that. And he said, you're being silly. You're a silly policeman. He said the word silly a bunch of times. That'll piss off a cop. Call a cop silly. They're not going for silly. Yeah, I think silly is one of the – I mean, it's a great thing to call a cop, isn't it? Yeah, it's literally the last thing they want to hear. Don't be silly. You're being silly, man. Because they're not silly at all. They're serious. It's the most serious men usually. Yeah, it's much better than big.

Yeah, they'd rather pig. Everyone hates pig. Pig. At least there's like anger behind pig. If you're like, dude, you're being a little silly. Also, pig is such a standard like go-to. Silly is like, wow, this guy has some beef with me for sure. This guy's fucking with my head. Yeah. But yeah, I just knew something went down. I don't know what happened, but I just thought about, my thought was like,

Say you did. Say you were on record, though, because the details come out. People just assume. And they hear there was any sort of assault or aggravation there. They assume you beat the hell out of her. Yes. Court of public opinion kind of thing. When you jump back into the dating pool, I wonder...

Like if a girl dates you after hearing publicly that you were a lot or is it like what's up with that? Like, you know, is it like are they like, OK, well, I know what I'm signing up for. Like, are there girls out there being like, oh, she was being a pussy. Of course, your boyfriend shoves you. That's what I was wondering about. There's got to be girls out there that are like, yeah, for sure. It's Italian women. Yeah, sure. That was always just a stupid thought in my car. I'm sure there's girls that are about it like that, though. Getting shoved. Yeah. And they'll give it back.

Chris Brown's

reputation has not been hurt with his woman fan base. There you go. That's a good one. Ladies love Chris Brown and his Wikipedia page is nuts. If you go to the controversies page on Chris Brown, that wasn't an isolated Rihanna incident. He's hitting heaps of ladies. Really? They're so horny for him though. Have you seen the videos of him at his shows just humping girls on stage? Yeah, the meet and greet. By the way, women are getting pregnant taking pictures with Chris Brown. They love that he's socking girls because it's like

That means eventually enough of these girls are going to get socked and dropped out that I'm going to have a chance. I'm like 230 thousandth in line. If he could just, all I know is I got to just be able to take one good one and I'm set for life. He's going to be dancing on me.

Yeah, his lawyer must have the fund, just one savings account just for smacking the lady fund. The smack fund. Smack fund's got to be crazy. He was smacking. It's getting kind of low, Chris. It wasn't even just girls he was dating. It was someone who was looking after his dog, someone who did his hair. Wait, what? Have you read this? He beat his dog off? Everyone can get it. Chris Brown is- His dog or his dog? His dog.

allegedly sorry allegedly i have to keep saying allegedly but it's a big controversies wikipedia page and it's almost what is the controversy what's the alleged controversy there's one after another no there's like 20 oh assaults like allegedly really oh yeah he just got rearrested recently yeah yeah yeah it's like a big one it was like one of those i think it was fat square boys i could be wrong

It was either tall and long or fat and square. At this point, if you piss off Chris Brown, isn't it kind of your fault? You know what I mean? It's like, obviously, he has a history of being a bit of a hothead. You know, it's like, maybe just keep your distance from him. I don't know. That would suck. You're just recording, like, very sexual R&B. You're just, like, kind of chubbed up. You're like, this is kind of weird. The guy just beats your ass. Getting your ass kicked as a sound engineer to R&B would be crazy. Yeah. That would suck, dude.

Imagine if boys and men just stomped you, dude. Just DP'd you. They had to. You think boys and men were stomping people? Oh, yeah. You're getting punched with very extravagant rings on their hands and shit. That shit sucks. That one guy comes in the back. You're getting kicked with a loafer that's softer than anything you've ever felt before. They're like, damn, I'm going to grab one from my pillowcase. Oh, man.

Yeah, I never thought about that. That sucks. So hopefully Chris Brown figures it out, man. Can't be doing that. I'm pretty sure recording studios see a lot of fights. I think a lot. And it's like a guy comes in for maybe a verse or maybe he brought in a beat. Yeah. And then another guy doesn't like him. And it just turns into a Kaisenat stream. True. Probably pretty frequently. Yeah.

It's a good point. There's just girls twerking and guys screaming and no one understands what's going on. It's got to be such a stressful environment. And you get a platinum record out of it. It's like the formula worked once again. Prisha makes diamonds. It's true. Huh? Prisha makes diamonds. True. You have a cool, easy recording studio. Yeah, I've always wanted to be in the studio like that. I've never been. I never got the... Being stew. Cooking the stew. Cooking the stew, yeah. Yeah.

You got all your jewelry on, you're wearing sunglasses, you got like a cup of something and you're just like vibing to the beat and no one is sure if they like the song yet or not, but everyone's just like, we got to keep the vibe going. True. That's a lot of pressure. Yeah, man. If you're the guy that's like, this is kind of ass, you might get turned on by everyone else in the room. I saw a video of Tupac blowing up because he thought there was too much of this going on in the green room. This was recently on a reel. He comes in and goes...

Quit messing around. We've got girls dancing. We've got people popping champagne. Let's make some music. We're going to do it one at a time. You can produce it later. Get my verse now. And it was sort of prophetic because he had so many verses recorded when he died. He didn't know how much time he had left. Yeah, dude, apparently rappers now, all of them have like hundreds and hundreds of songs. Until you provide for your loved ones after you take too many drugs on a plane to Australia. Rest in peace.

They should just release all those songs as like podcasts. Like if you're just rapping that much, you might as well just do podcasts. Yeah, exactly. Well, a lot of rappers are... Juice WRLD had a bunch of songs? Juice WRLD had like three albums come out after that. And he died on a plane to Australia? I think he was worried about a drug dog and he had some drugs on him so he took all of them to get off the plane.

Space Cat. What? Yeah. This episode is brought to you by Dude Wipes. If you're still dry wiping with toilet paper, you need to stop being an A-hole to your B-hole and switch to Dude Wipes. Isn't that funny?

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Switch to Apple Cash and start sending privately. Apple Cash services are provided by Green Dot Bank member FDIC. I've done that, but never had more than like one Xanax. Is that seriously how he died? Yeah, I think that's how he had just died. Wait, so he had a ton of drugs on him and he goes, he's already gotten through security. He got nervous at TSA. I think he flew private and he came down and they said, this country's very uptight about drugs. He went, well, I better have every pill that's on me right now.

And then he took them and then he was out. What? Australia strikes again. It's very sad. They weren't... I don't know. I went there that one time. I had a fake vax card. You guys didn't catch that. Probably had a weed pen if I had to guess. Australia, you can get anything through Australia. We put up a bit... Our signs are very spooky. I think it's easier to get things in than... Yeah, we have a whole TV show about it, which is Border Patrol, I think it's called, where we get...

It's a whole TV show about Chinese people coming to the border. These Australian guys staring at the ocean like, ah! They're at the airport and they just go through Chinese people's bags. What is this? You can't have this fish. Yeah, you can't bring a lot of fruit. I did notice that. Fruit and all that other stuff you can't bring. Contraband. Very big on fruit. I accidentally brought a stick home from Australia. Did they say something about it or were you able to bring it with you? It passed, bro. That sucks. I got those things through, dude. This is my stick. It was in my pocket. I forgot it was in there. It was a cool stick.

It was like a bear, very bear smooth stick. And I brought it back from Australia.

Probably crippled the... Excuse me, that's my ho-bag? This would sound silly, but the first time I was in America, I did see a cool rock and I brought it home. Did you really? And I wanted to bring home a piece of American rock. Did you... Yeah. Were you allowed to bring rocks from America? No one questioned the... It was like a pebble. It was like a nice pebble. I brought a nice pebble from Italy back to America. It was nice. You see the handsome rock, you're like, I'm going to bring this back with me. There's an energy here. There's a lot of accomplished geo-smugglers around here. It's crazy. Yeah.

You're not supposed to take them from Hawaii, though. I heard the Kapunas or something like that. What's Kapuna? What's the spirits? You take nothing from Hawaii. I would take it and be like, I don't believe in Kapunas. You'd be fucked then. Zuckerberg must be in trouble with the Kapunas right now. Doesn't he have like a giant volcanic fucking bunker in Hawaii? I hope so. I don't know. He does. I think so.

Yeah, he apparently scored a lot of property over there. It's the underground cities that the rich are building to keep them safe from whatever's happening right now. Yeah. I'm going to be a topside mutant. Topside mutant will be safe. I cannot wait to be a topside mutant and torture the underground rich people. Banging on the manhole covers. We're going to come down there. So fun. I think America might be going to war now.

You think so with Iran? I think it's happening now. Yeah, USA officially joins war. It's just happened. Oh, man. Against Iran? Against Iran. What the freaking hell? Hopefully they don't use any dirty bombs. That's what I'm worried about. Those goddamn bioweapons. Also them. Also them, you mean? I mean, none of them. You want a fairer COVID doesn't break out again during this war? This is so much worse than the declaration of...

I mean, like Churchill gets to go, we will fight them on the beaches. Trump's going, well, these guys have defensive equipment and plenty of it. It doesn't compare to American-made manufactured stuff. Yeah. Nobody does it better than the good old U.S. of A in terms of war. I mean, dude, we would absolutely smash Iran, obviously, but it's like...

Can we just say we're not going to war and then just kind of send like secret agents to do it or whatever? The old fashioned, the way we've been doing it. Yeah. Can we just destabilize their economy like gentlemen? Use like a proxy. Be like, be polite. Use proxies. So wait, why are we doing it? Not just having Israel do it and being like, God damn it.

I don't think Trump got too excited. I think the playbook was obviously just provide Israel everything they need to destabilize the part of the Muslim world that we don't like forever. And he thinks, maybe I could win a war. Just like Ukraine and Russia. Yeah. And then he was just like, we should actually jump in there and see what's up. What if Bibi just has crazy riz and nobody knows about it? He's just like, come on, Trump. Come on. He's so sick. He's very charismatic. Brother, it'll go so sick. It is funny that a dude named Bibi started a giant war. Possibly World War III. Yeah.

I mean, who would join Iran? China's not joining with Iran. Russia. Russia. Russia. God dang it. China. But China's so tied up with Africa right now. Are they? Yeah, they're going to milk Africa. They really need to stay focused. They don't want to get into a war. Yeah. They're not set up for it either.

Good. Well, that's good. So it'd be Russia, Iran. What a fucking... You know who... I mean, if they turned the lights off and played their music, it would get a big pop in the main event. If North Korea woke up right now. Off the ropes. You forgot all about it. He was out with an injury. You know what I mean? And then WrestleMania comes. It's like, North Korea! I just don't think their missiles can reach. I don't think they can do anything. But who cares? It'd be sick if they just dropped in Fortnite style. Yeah.

North Korea is the Rey Mysterio of wealth conflict. Small guy. You don't think he should have an impact. He's taking out the big shows. It could be, in theory, Iran and Russia versus Israel and the United States. And then also probably France and EU countries are probably going to join. Oh, you mean all of our pets? Yeah, yeah.

I don't know. You think? Yeah, I guess they'd have to. I'd assume. Yeah. Germany, all those guys. The classics. They can send their 15 bicycles. Fire up Egypt. You can fire Egypt up. Because what countries are we tight with that are in that area? It's Egypt, Jordan. Saudi Arabia is huge. They just give us a golden jet. Yeah.

I think you've probably got Iraq. What's left of Iraq is probably... Isn't Jordan on our side too? I think Jordan. It's always the King of Jordan, I think, is like chilling. Yeah. So I think it will be... That's... Dude, that'll be crazy. I've been thinking about how badly... If I was leaving high school this year, I'd probably... And my circumstances were the same as when I actually graduated high school. I probably would find a way to enlist and become a drone operator. Yeah.

I think it's... Yeah.

It's the same... Actually, it sucks that I didn't get to fantasize that the same way I got to fantasize about being an army sniper, where it was completely unrealistic and would have never happened. But now they've seen your Rocket League abilities, and they say, how about you join a different kind of Rocket League? I think they do use Xbox controllers. Yeah. And then the reality of it is also cool, where you're kind of just in the back of a truck wearing a headset, and all the actual grunts are laughing at you, and no one respects you, but it's like, yeah, whatever, dude. I don't know.

I'm locked in right now. And you can twitch it. Yeah. You're like one of those, one of the guys in Dune. Let's go, Chad! Really, like the dudes in Dune with like the pink, I mean the blue eyes are like. Yeah, the navigators. The mentat, like the quants or whatever. That's what probably happens to every professional twitcher that gets caught saying the N-word on the stream. The government knocks up like, we have a job. You got two options. We have a job for you. Yeah.

Come here now and release the tape to Twitter. Put me in the back of the truck and let the squad humiliate me while I drone strike people. That would be so sick. It's nothing but killstreaks. It's got to fucking rock, man. It would be fucking awesome. You got the cold-blooded perk on? You're like, fuck, dude, I got all my perks. I was prestiged, actually. I don't know.

You have your gamer clan, just like XX whatever. Yeah, man. You mad is actually the clan tag. I think we did an hour, dude. Right, Gordines? I gotta pee.

I can tell. Oh, 53. Let's power through. It's 53. I've had to pee for the last 30 minutes. I smell really bad. Do you smell? Yeah. I thought when you told me to come by, I was like, I got to immediately go shower. I can't smell bad. Really? Well, no. I showered. I did everything. And I'm on a new kick. I'm trying to take care of myself. I'm trying to make... I've started sleeping. Dude, sleeping with a TV on for...

40 years 40 years 40 years so I'm taking the television out of our bedroom oh nice and uh we're on I haven't even completed a week of it yet but so far so good and then I got a mattress topper it turns out my bed was very uncomfortable that was probably a part of it so now I'm sleeping like a fucking king how's your stack

I haven't gotten to the Tupperware bin full of supplements yet. It's still being unpacked. That'll be there, yeah. But I was at Walmart and I grabbed the same deodorant I get, but aluminum free. It's not working at all. Stinky. I smell so bad right now. It's making me really self-conscious. I'd rather not wear deodorant at all than the aluminum free. I'm sticky and stinky. It bleeds in your shirts and stuff. Dude, I don't wear it. I rarely wear it. In the summer, I'll slap it on every now and again just because one of my kids will be like, dude, you fucking stink.

But... My pheromones just fucking blasted. I would be better off going raw. I think you are, man.

I go, I pretty much remember when Sid stopped wearing deodorant and everyone. I was just talking about this. What a psychopathic move. He did. Sid did six months, no deodorant and was in complete denial about how bad he reaped. It was filling rooms. I was doing that. He was changing shirts mid-conversation. Or his T-levels light, though. You know, did he get his nanograms for deciliters checked? They're probably high if I had to guess. Yeah.

SIDS are probably off the charts, dude, if I had to guess. Judging from just the smell? We drove to Atlantic City together to do a podcast, and it was like the windows in the car were bulging out from the smell. It was so fucking bad. And you'd be like, yo, dude, you stink. He'd be like, I don't think it's me.

And we went nowhere. So far, it was like a can of soup. People decided to get back away from him. People started to leave his personal life. No, it was the green room in Helium the one time, like, people were coming up to him. Like, dude, you stink in this green room. And he finally accepted it. He was like, I stink. I fucking, I stink. I've been stinking for six months. Well, I'll give it to him because he wanted the no deodorant life so bad, which I can respect.

But he for real stunk. He was kicking off a stink. There's no excuse. Which is alpha. I'm ashamed by the fact that I don't like... If he powered through and he said, yes, I do stink. That's what I'm saying. That's a completely different story. Hey, that's your problem, man. Yeah, deal with it. I love every aspect of myself. Sometimes I feel like the stink comes when I don't rock the other. I feel like when I'm really stressed out, that's when the stink comes. I feel like it's a response to the way that I am...

Inside so inside you stink outside exactly if you lose frame you just start to stay Sorry, I'm super sorry. I smell guys. I'm super anxious right now

That'll definitely... Dude, sit down on the plane, bust out the rosary beads, be like, hopefully I don't smell. I've been worried all morning. That is a big worry. I keep a stick of deodorant whenever I fly. It's just like... Dude, you didn't notice when we were going to Sacramento and shit, I was hitting the... I was hitting the deodorant just in the waiting area. Were you really? Yeah. Anytime I get on a plane, I have to reapply because I just get so worried that people are like, what's up with that guy's deodorant? Dude, I sit... I don't wear deodorant on the plane. I fart the entire time. Man. Dude.

Someone told me you told a story about me farting on the airplane. It was the little kid turning around and they were so bad.

You got over the sound of the jet engine? No, no, no, the smell. The smells were fucking horrendous. And this little boy in front of us would smell them and get so excited and turn around and just wide smile between the seats. And I couldn't stop. He was like telling his mom or dad and they kept me like, dude, stop.

It's like, they did it again, mom. Was he able to clock who it was like specifically from just like, we were blaming each other. We were both blaming each other the entire time. And even the mom in front was laughing pretty hard.

I saw her shoulders quaking. It was what a good sport. The mom was probably sort of a lifelong perversion for that child. This kid couldn't have been happy. He was the only one on the plane. Couldn't have been happier. That's a core memory of his. Oh, he was dude. We farted a core memory into his brain. Just sitting in the smell being like, no, no, no. It's cool. It's cool. And then you see that fucking smile. You're like, fuck.

Mom, mom, they did it again. Mom. I don't know what he's talking about. Ma'am, could you shut your child up? No, I give myself like 10 farts, and then if I have to, I'll take a dump in the plane.

10's the number. It's too much. Time to go shit. If I'm sitting next to a lady, guys, infinite. I'll fart the entire time. Wait, you fart next to a lady? I'll fart 10 times next to a lady. Depends. If it's a crabby lady, farts are the worst punishment she can receive. I'm not allowed to strike her or raise my voice at her, but I can almost shit my pants at her.

I have, I've had some times recently where I'll be like, you know, end of the night, Brittany's in the bathroom doing whatever. And I'll be like naked and like, there's, she's in the bathroom. I'm in the bedroom, just naked farting in the bed. And I'll be like, sit there like she has to hate me. She must just be disgusted. There's literally just a creature. Yeah.

Well, the rage has to come out somewhere. You know, they don't say this about Chris Brown. He never farts in front of a woman. That's where he starts swinging. That we know of. That might be where all the farts come from. He just fucking rips. Oh my God. Shut the fuck up.

the fuck up bitch he wasn't a car oh yeah the big one was in the car with your hand yeah whoa just crushed the car steam the glass the glass was melting on the shit on a on a flight there is a there's a hack i've found i don't know if people know this you're allowed to use the toilet before the plane takes off

I didn't know. For years, I thought you had to wait until you were in the sky and the seatbelt's off. If you're on the tarmac, you can... And no one's in there. No one's ever contesting for the first poop on the plane. Yeah.

It's terrible. But then everyone knows, like, if you do stick it up, the rest of the flight, everyone's like, who's that? Or if you take a brutal dump and they're, like, waiting to take off, and then you got to walk out of the whole plane, like, what the fuck? We've had to cancel the flight. What? We've had to cancel the flight. Someone's left an awful mess in here. Brittany told me, she's like, go ask the stewardess for some coffee to bring into the bathroom with you. It'll kill the smells. Like, I'm not fucking doing this. I'm going to get fecal matter in the coffee. That's gross. Yeah, that's a tough sell. A, I'm not wasting the coffee, and B, it's like...

no, I'm just going to take a shit. I'm not going to be like, hey, it's going to smell really bad when I poop. Can I have some coffee, please? It's like, absolutely not. Also, does coffee drive out the smell of poop or would it just smell like poop and coffee? The worst. I might cut it, but yeah, you need a lot. You need some strong beans and you should peel an orange while you shit in the bathroom. That's not a bad idea.

It's like a Yucca on a palm. The match and toilet papers, or just lighting a match and throwing it in, that for real crushes the smell. They should let you vape on the plane just in the bathroom, though, to cover up the shit with blueberry or whatever. Yeah, yeah. A little dreamsicle. All right, we've made it an hour. I have to pee so fucking bad. Thank you, bro. Sick. Thanks for having me. Thank you for having me.