Ep 566 - Destroying The Ark
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The Wild Wild West.

This was the argument. What are you doing down here? Dude, the podcast flooded. Get out of here. Sorry. The podcast flooded, dude. Thank you, bro. That's what he wants to do to his penis right now so bad, but he can't. Have you guys discussed your testicles? Would you like to keep your medical history secret? Yeah, Sean, can you talk about...

You should raise awareness about your swollen epididymis. Do you think it has to do with your giant dick banging against it? I don't know. It obviously does have a giant dick. But we can put to rest the idea that TSA scans you if you have a big dick because I got scanned. What? Full penis. So far, the only people I know that happened to her are you, Nate, and Shannon Sharp. So...

I've seen guard dog get it and Nate and Sean both have a world-renowned giant hogs. It could have just been your aura. Your aura might have been crazy that day. It is uncomfortable. I've never had the guy do the back of the hands thing and they really do it. Yo. They really stroke you. What? It's fucked up. Yeah, thank you. That would have hurt if it happened to me right now. My testicles are so swollen and tender.

That would have sucked. Whenever I go, when I, I have TSA pre-checks, I don't have to go through the scanner, but I would walk out of the scanner and they go, have a good day, ma'am. And I'd be like, what the fuck? We all just saw your pussy. We saw your pussy in the scanner. The ultrasound was nice though. I've had it. You had that, right? I've had it tested for ultrasound once, yeah. Warm jelly? It's, yeah, I mean, the guy was a nurse and I was joking the whole time and he did not like it. He was wearing a Steeler's bandana. I remember that. That was funny. He was wearing a Steeler's bandana and rubbing gel on my nuts. Oh,

I was like, Steelers look good this year, right? He was like, just be quiet during the procedure. Are you serious? Yeah, he was one word dismissive answers. That sucks. Yeah. But he warmed the jelly for you. That's kind of weird. It wasn't warm. Oh, you had cold jelly. Yeah, I got regular jelly. He had voluptuous. Mine was warm and sensual, and there was low lighting and candles lit and nice music playing the whole time. I was in the basement of a hospital. What did you have? It turns out nothing.

Mine was just at a ultrasound place, like a CAT scan ultrasound place. It was just you and pregnant ladies? Like a baby place. That's why it was like that. Yeah, baby. I kept my dad's. It wasn't for your balls. It was for women. Well, they did it on my balls. Turns out they're twins.

How are your balls? They're okay. I am suffering from epididymitis. I'm suffering from epididymitis right now, which seems to be more common than I thought it was. But just not a lot of people are vocal about it, so I'm happy to be vocal about it and say that I'm struggling with it right now, raise awareness for epididymitis. I'm almost done with my antibiotics, and it still kind of hurts, so that makes me nervous. Yeah.

That sucks. I tried to be sexually active this morning and the pain came right back. When you said you tried, how far did you get in the process? I was, well, I don't want to be graphic. Did you have a boner? I had a boner and I started... Outer course? No, intercourse. Did you start with petting? With a partner. There was some heavy petting and then...

I was with my partner. You were aroused during heavy putting. Yes. So then I was like, hell, you know, I feel pretty good now. Why not just give it a shot? And then I was like, oh, we have to stop right now. You made sure she was on board for sexual penetration.

You're like, hey, I'm going to penetrate you. Are you okay with this? Yes, I made sure everything was okay. Fucking podiums. Just looking over at you with that dumb ass shit. I'm going to penetrate you. I mean, it's truly, definitely when the Roman Empire was like falling apart and they were like throw a giant Festivus just to keep it together. Just trot out some bullshit. Yeah.

Dude, I was reading about the... Well, I'm glad you're... But do you want to continue? What happened, though? So you were in your... We don't have to continue. No, I want to hear how you're tearing up. You were in the throes of petting. I was in the throes of petting and then turned to passion. And then turned to penetration. It's nice when petting leads to passion. It usually does. But when it doesn't, and all you did was pet a little... Then you get angry. Disastrous. That's how I am right now. I'm very charged up right now because...

I engaged in a sexual act, but I didn't get to finish the sexual act. So now I'm sort of just angry and in pain in my testicles. Dude, I'm telling you. I'm sorry that's TMI. Have you taken the bottle at all? No, because the probiotics, I'm a week off of booze right now, which is a pretty long time for me. Yeah, that's good. Yeah. So that feels good. I just did a week and it sucked. Why? Oh, you were working though. I did like two weeks. I hated it. Really? That whole time you were gone, you didn't drink? I got the one night in.

And you hated it? I hated not drinking. Yeah, it was fucking boring, dude. You wake up at 6 a.m. and work. You feel so good. Not when you're working. I was just so tired. I was just going home and sleeping. True. You're like, I should be hungover. If I'm going to be suffering, I should be. Yeah. Kind of is pointless suffering if you're not hungover. You're like, I could just be hungover and feel bad. I did have probably the best break in the sobriety, though. I worked for a week, and then the one night I had off, I went to a bar in Atlanta, a

I was sitting upstairs and they were like, hey, Charles Barkley just got here. I was like, I'm going to have to, I got to say hi to him before we leave. Yeah. It's like, there's no way he knows who I am. Got down. He was like, hey, tires. I was like, let's go. And then me and Charles Barkley got fucked. That's so awesome. For like two hours. It was awesome. That's awesome. That's the drinking guys rewarding you. It was honestly. Yeah. It was the blue night. The blue night laid him a bed. Yeah. It was, uh,

I was thinking about it. If I could pick one person to go get fucked up with, it probably would have been Charles Barkley. For sure. Was he as awesome as he seems? He was the fucking man. One of my friends did electrical work in his house years ago, and I was like, he's the coolest dude. Yeah, he's the coolest dude. He was like, let's talk about race. I was like, let's fucking do it, Chuck. Oh, really? Let's do it. Do anything you want, Chuck. Turns out me and him agree on a lot. Chuck. Chuck.

That's awesome. So that was a good night. But you penetrated a little this morning. And I had to give up because it just hurt so bad and I felt so much shame. I felt like less of a man because I couldn't continue. That happens. I felt like... That happens. The blue knight giveth, the blue knight taketh away. Yeah, you feel less of a man. It's the worst when the girl's like, that's okay. Shut the fuck up. It was your fault.

So I got on an ice pack. I was like, I had to stop and then get an ice pack and sit by myself. Did she get to nurse you or did you have to nurse yourself? I didn't want to be nursed. I was kind of just ashamed of myself.

So I just sat on the couch and iced my testicle. This episode is brought to you by DoorDash because the summer of DashPass is back. Check daily from June 26th through July 30th for massive summer savings on restaurants, groceries, and brands. So sign up for DashPass now if you haven't already. DashPass benefits apply only to eligible orders, so terms apply. Hey.

A sober losing a boner has got to be tough. I didn't even lose the boner. It was just my nut hurt really bad. You were just icing your giant dick on the couch? No, my testicle, not my penis. It was so pathetic. I just had to ice my giant hard dick on the couch. No, no, no. It wasn't hard at the time with the icing. I was just hot giant soft sick. Fucking piece of shit. That's not what I'm saying.

I'm embarrassed. I'm embarrassed, but I am happy. I don't have to suffer in silence anymore. True. I'm happy to get the word out. You must feel better. I'm 11 days in. I mean, people don't want to hear about this anymore, but I'm 11 days in right now just rocking.

I'd rather chop it up. 11 days without a comp. Nice. Just rocking. There's no big deal. I don't give a fuck. I was talking to my... Yeah, that sucks. Dude, I'm telling you, flip switch. I'm like every day. You like it? Yeah, I'm just charged up. And I know it's coming. So it's like it'll come eventually. I just don't... I've just like unburdened myself from thinking about it all the time. But my... I won't say who this was, but I have an ally in my, you know, kind of my chastity.

And it was not full-time. Oh, I see, I see. But he was saying if he sees an attractive woman, he just stops and goes, thank you for the energy boost. And he just keeps it moving. Good Lord. I was going to say, you know exactly who you're talking about. I mean, if I had to guess, James. Including my brother. Including my brother. No, I thought it was Egan. There's a lot of suspects. Yeah, there's a lot of weird fucking guys. True. There's a lot of weirdos out there. Egan James to McCusker. You say Egan? Egan. Oh, I was going to say Egan. Egan's, Egan, well, we already talked about this. This is his business, not mine.

Yeah, Egan's on like 100 days again. Yeah, he's easy. I hope he's not lying, though. If it turns out he's lying, that would be really hurtful. I thought about that. If you lie about... He does go to confession every week. I'm lying about nofap. I'm masturbating against Egan. If you lie about nofap, that's how you end up smoking meth with little boys at a youth camp. Once you start lying about sex stuff, I feel like the wheels come off. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, if you got to give up lying about sex stuff, probably freshman year of high school. Yeah. That's when everyone's at their peak. They're like, yeah, I fucking titty fucked her. I had one friend that lied about titty fucking a girl. It's awesome. What a great lie. Yeah, we didn't have sex, but I titty fucked her. I've always admired those guys. And we were all friends. We were like, did he titty fuck you? She was like, no. That's such a sick move. It never occurred to me to just lie about having sex with a lady.

It's never my move. I never. I remember I used to lie about saying there was a stretch of time where everybody I grew up with would be like, nah, I don't masturbate. That's weird. Really? Yeah. And like early. You might as well just run some other shit. Well, no. You guys are different. You're on some other shit. I was too eventually. But there was like about a year when we were like 13 or 12 where everyone was like, nah, that's lame or gay or whatever. We don't do that. That's a great swap. But then we all started doing it. Was it the wrestling buddies? Yeah.

No, just buddies, buddies. Just sodomizing wrestling buddies. I thought you were talking about the pillow wrestling buddies. Oh, no. I took a knife to my wrestling buddy once. For what? All alone. Stabbed Hulk Hogan. What?

I hung a teddy bear from a tree. Yeah, my parents were very... They're upset. Yeah. What were you doing in your room last night? I murdered Hulk Hogan. Yeah, I ripped the stuffing out of a teddy bear and hung it from a tree when I was little. And my parents are similarly like, what the fuck are you doing? I'm like, it's funny. They're like, that's not funny at all. It's disturbing. I was like, whatever. I was done with it.

They shouldn't have gave me a pocket knife. True. You know? He poked off your celly. He poked off your celly. Hit Hulk Hogan with the fucking Hawk. He kept taking bottom bunk. I was getting bitched by him. Just me and him. I go, no, you go up top. Fine. You're getting off by a wrestling club. Fuck. Fuck Hulk. One night I said, enough is enough. Fuck.

Took a Swiss army to the gun. You were one of Hulk's boys, dude, in the cell. Yeah, he had a whole stable. My dad, he was like a Chucky dog. He would rape me and my dad. Your dad was shot calling on the yard. He was trying to shot call. He was tough. There's no way Hulk would... Yeah, me and my dad were Aryan brothers. Well, Hulk might be too.

Hulkamania, yeah, he's definitely an Aryan brother. He's an Aryan brother. That'd be nice watching WWE with the Aryan Brotherhood and a white wrestler wins. They're probably going nuts during the DX versus Nation of Domination days. I know I was. That got me. That stirred some racism I didn't know I had yet.

DX all did blackface. I was like, yeah. Dad, what is this feeling? When I see the nation, I get so upset. You're growing up, son. Let's take a walk, son. Oh, fudge. Yeah, that's the birds and the bees combo. True. They're different. This episode of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast is brought to you by Dude Wipes.

Have you left poop streaks in someone else's toilet? Yeah, every time. Yeah, every single time. Yeah, I did it all week. It was a fucking disaster. I left a, I mean, I literally painted my bowl this morning. Yeah. It was crazy. There's nothing wrong with that. No, it felt great. Little paint job. Do you ever pack extra underwear when you travel? How much extra? Do you ever need it?

Pretty much an extra pair per day. Yeah, I always bring extra underwear. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Not because I'm fucking shitting my pants constantly. I just used to probably work it out. What the fuck are you guys getting at here? Do you wipe standing or sitting down? Does it make a difference? What is going on, dude? How horny are these people? What do they want to know? There's got to be something about standing up, though. I'm a stand-up wiper, honestly.

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These guys are really funny. Amazon. It's available on Amazon and at major retailers nationwide. Nice. Dude, I was reading about the Aztecs last night before I went to bed. And they had a game. You know, like all those places, all those places have like a sacred game they would play. I've heard of it mentioned. I looked it up. What exactly was it? They used to play...

of it was like soccer mixed with basketball where it was like a human head no no that's what i heard too no they were playing with a actually a giant rubber it was a 15 pound bouncy ball the size of a soccer ball and you couldn't touch it with your hands or feet and they would just they would put it in play they would throw it down like it was like a stone courtyard with like stone walls and you had to just like run and just fucking hit it with your hip or your elbows or your shoulders and dudes would like break their bones on it and you had to try to like bounce it with

without using your hands or feet get it through a net that was a hoop 10 feet above you know I think I might have seen like a modern version of this on Instagram or something that's fucking insane I think they're still doing yeah you just you hit the ball shoulder it and then you can hit like little like targets on the wall but then if like the losers would a lot of times get sacrificed if it was like an important game but yeah that was fucking nuts that is nuts

Cortez was none too pleased. He saw it. Shut this down. It's time for you guys to play football. What was funny is I was reading it. They're like, dude, the Aztecs were arguably just as advanced as the Spaniards. I think we found out. Yeah. Well, they were too darn nice. That's what keeps happening. Everybody that's ever been conquered was just too nice. Too nice, man. It's crazy. Who are the people on Hispaniola? It's now the Dominican Republic and Haiti, but they were like the...

or something. And they apparently Christopher Columbus rolled up on him and he goes, he wrote in his own journal. He's like, you guys make good slaves. They're docile. Yeah. Well, he's like, they're just so nice. He called them naked, basically naked and afraid because they're so naked. It's like they're naked and timid. He's like, I'm definitely going to smack. And he like, they helped him build a settlement. And then something happened. It got fucked up and he came back and literally destroyed the entire population. Damn. Although a lot of disease kind of was like 80% of it. But yeah,

Yeah, that sucks, bro, to be like at the zenith of your setup and just you're literally slaves to Spaniards. They were probably like, dude, when is fucking 1400 going to be over, dude? 1492 sucks. 1492 sucks.

Can't wait for 1493. 1493 is going to be my year. Our population has decreased by 80%. I can't wait for this year to be over. I'm so done with 1492. It must have been. Yeah, it was a tough time. Yeah, dude. Especially when you find out later on that he called you naked and timid. I'd be so mad. I'd be like, dude, they're all naked and fucking scared like bitches. That would piss me off. All fucking naked and afraid. Hmm.

They were naked. They were literally naked and afraid. They were at the show. Yeah. Would have been scary. Yeah, but it was. I was naked and afraid this morning when my testicles started. You're all timid on the couch. Nothing worse than being naked and afraid. Yeah. Every night when I go to bed. Yeah. You're pumping at night. You're naked sleep. I am a naked sleeper. I don't know how you do that. That's how you scare off criminals. True. That's true. Oh, my God. Yeah.

With an assault rifle. Oh, my God. With an Eagles assault rifle and a tiny penis. Get out of here. Yeah, that would be terrifying. I'd rather, like, just five dogs attacking me. It's a giant naked man with a tiny penis and an Eagles machine gun. If I saw his favorite team on the gun, I'd be like, I'm dead. This guy's going to kill me. Yeah.

I used to be a naked sleeper. Now I have to wear like at least boxer shorts now because like my kids, you got to get up. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I got to get up with them. And they just now they just fucking crawling. They can climb over their gates now.

So last I literally woke up last night like two in the morning. Chloe was in my bed. I'm like, where the fuck did you get it? She climbed. She showed me how she did it this morning. She climbs up, crawls over. And I have like a, you know, like the decorative pillows on the bed. Yeah. I always swipe those off. So it's like a minefield of pillows. She navigated it all somehow of just like walking through the pitch black over pillows climbed over me. Didn't wake me up. I know it's played out, but the decorative pillows, dude. Yeah. Big pillow. Got our bitches with that.

Yeah tricked all the bitches crazy, dude. That's the dumbest thing. It's so fucking annoying dude You can't even sleep with them. Have you tried to sleep with one like on your house? It's the most uncomfortable. It's rough jagged edged pillow tassels on the side. They're dumbest. They're the

I hate it. I fucking, they were so annoying, especially like in the mornings where my babe will be like, help me make the bed. It's like, dude, we got a stack eight pillows. Don't put it like that. I'm like, dude, I'm going to fucking burn the house down with our whole family. Fucking telling me how to arrange these pillows. Decorative blankets are rough too. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We got some scratchy ass blankets. They're like three feet wide. They're just scarves.

Put them on the back of your couch. You're laying down. You go, oh, there's a blank right there. Never mind. Yeah. I am going to need women to kind of get it together. Stop getting tricked by fucking marketing and shit. My wife reads her marketing emails.

I'm like, you know, you can separate your inbox, dude. It's like the deals. Adidas 10% off. Yes. I've watched her do it. I'm like, bro, that's terrifying. You can separate your inbox. She's like, no, no, it's just, I'm going to see what the deals are. I'll see her in bed. I'm like, stop looking at that stuff. Holy shit. She reads her whole inbox. That's who those are for them. I've always wondered. I was like, why do they do this? It's girls.

Girls, they hear the deals, bro, and it just triggers something for them. It's like they're forgers, bro. We're out for the hunt. They're forgers. It's true. It's like a little forger. There's berries in the pasture. They go and fucking collect them. Yeah, that shit fucking freaks me out when I see you're like 10% off now, and I'm like, shut it down. Shut down the spam.

Yeah, it's 100% off for you everywhere. True. Yeah. So stop worrying about deals. All of a sudden you're frugal with my money? You spend $900 on pillows that no one's put their head on once. Yes, a travesty. And then they'll see, that's the problem, they'll see other pointless pillows and be like, those are nice, where did you get those from? Guys, I've moved these things around a lot, you know, they've taken a lot of the back and forth.

I should have not told you. I'd be like, yeah, I'll do the podiums. You got here, they're all smashed. Who did this? Ending by just putting your fist through that painting would be so sad. What do you think of that painting? I've discussed this a couple times, man. I mean, it looks like he's kind of selling him on this lady.

some i think someone's like uh discovering them it looks like she might be foraging too she might be getting a 10 i'll tell you what that lady's doing right now she's being a whore definitely look they even moved the picnic basket out the way what do you think they're gonna do right there that picnic blanket's all bunched up bro true yeah it could be done she could be washing off back there oh that's right yeah think about that looks like there's a burning canoe in the background too what's up with that burning canoe it's not burning

It kind of looks like it's burning. Just got all the ships, dude. True, we got burned the boats. The women are here on the island. You guys aren't going anywhere. Trying to get those women naked and timid, dude. I think that water's something from her. You think she's gushing, bro? You think she's sopping? Yeah.

Well, man, that might be the first time anyone's ever interpreted that. I think there's been a lot of interpretations. I think that lady's gushing. Since 1820, you're the first guy to go, I think that creek is coming out of the woman. Congratulations, you're the dumbest guy who's ever seen this painting.

Dogs have looked at that painting and understood that that was a body of water. It's just juices. I would like to take you to an art museum. Just have you look at paintings. That would be nice. See, Le Maire's interpretation of art. True. Yeah, this thing, what do you think about that?

I think it's dumb as hell. You don't like that? No, I don't like the thing. What do you think about the one behind you? I like these two the most. I like that the most. Yeah, I think sick as hell. That one's my favorite. That one's my second favorite. I usually would put that behind guests. It was just nice to have like... The rainbow imagery is confusing though. Why? Especially in this day and age. Harboring what's to come? Never mind. Resurrection? What the fuck are you talking about? Never mind.

Storm has passed. Sean, first of all, that's the most heterosexual rainbow you'll ever see. It's basically gray. True. You're trying to hit me with that stuff. Eh, forgive me. It's okay. Oh, dude. I'm talking out of my balls. Obviously, I will, Sean. I'm not going to forgive you right now. Thank you. People forget, man. Thou shalt not judge is also a commandment. That's right. Not judging by saying that. I've been on Substack lately.

Dude, I'm trying to replace Substack with any like social media scrolling and I pretty much have done it. It's so tight. Substack? Just random people? Random people, articles. I read a lady. I didn't read the whole thing. I read the paragraph and just kind of started laughing. So just one of your Twitter posts? Yes. Like, well, like proofread. But it was a lady being like, basically like, why is everyone telling us to not want so much? If I want to be touched, if I want to eat. And it's just like, dude, okay. Like sick take.

It's like, I want to have sex more and eat more. It's like, obviously, dude, everybody, that's everybody in the world. But clearly, if you follow that logic, you know.

You'd be a fat slut. I want to be a fat slut. Why is it so wrong? You'd be a big fat whore. A giant fat whore. Literally, that would be you. That would be you. You'd be naked in the woods surrounded by food being like, maybe this was a bit. It was just a funny take to be like, everyone's holding women back telling us we shouldn't want so much. It's like, yeah, we've been talking about this for thousands of years. Yeah.

what are you talking about god we're doing that if we weren't doing that it'd be a disaster yeah every dude wasn't like don't be a slut why are you wearing that every girl would be in a they'd be dressed like kanye's wife like why this is what i like to wear i actually i i i think the women and again i i'm not going to talk about like porn pmo or whatever but i think the the carb now because i've been going to this one gym in austin and it's like

Dude, it's unbelievable. Like front and back wedgies, spandex that cut the butt cheeks as small as a sports bra. Yeah, that new spandex is crazy. It's got like a thong. Yes, literally built into it. And it's like, I do think it's like, so the question would be why, why do women like, why did it, why is it escalating?

to the point where it's like it's almost Bianca Sensori or whatever Bianca Sensori that's not going to be that crazy yeah if it doesn't you know if the trend doesn't reverse and it is it's good and bright my mom better not start oh my goodness my mom's the Bianca Sensori oh my goodness

It's goon brain, dude. I think they need to stimulate past the goon brain. The hardening callousness of... You want to stick with Coach's Polos and gym shorts? Well, obviously. I've been rocking this Coach's Polo for 15 years. Yeah, you're doing the right thing. Do you understand that? Imagine if you started hot-dogging out here, dude. If you started dressing like Bruno. There was a guy in the gym dressed like Bruno, dude. He had, for real, a leotard... Fucking tank top I bought. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

We did a little stick it out. The front was thin. I'm never going to wear this. The rock designed it. I had a tank top yesterday. I was like, yeah,

DJ. My nipples are, I got called out yesterday for my nipples popping out of a tank. My daughter is for some reason like really monitor if my nipples pop it like dad, your nipples show. And I'm like, all right, bro. I was in the emergency room last night. Cause Maya, it's wasn't that serious. She got a giant splinter and we couldn't get it out of her foot. And it was like a fucking exorcism. She was just like, so I was like, we'll get, we'll tell you what the ER and the like numb it and whatever. And, uh, I,

I was just at the thing and they were just like the whole time like dad your nipples are out. I'm like I'm talking to the doctor. Shut the fuck up right now. Trying to get out of here. We had pizza on the way. You still had to adjust it? I literally would put my nipple away and be like you guys fucking stretch my shirts out. That's why my nipples stick out. So I'm fucking putting your arm down my shirt.

Yeah, it was a nightmare. We were leaving. We left the pool. We got rained out of the pool. Went to the playground. They're like, we need shoes. I'm like, you guys don't need fucking shoes. We're on mulch. Who cares? And she caught a mulch to the foot. Dude, it was a... Oh, my God. The splinter was like, for real. It wasn't even a splinter. It was a chunk of wood was in her foot. And, you know, we like held her down, tried to get her out. And the guy actually took a...

like a needle and he dug it was we tried tweezers didn't work so we had to use a syringe and like dig in and pop it up and it was they have cream now they can numb like the spot before they give you like a shot basically they put a patch on you i was like bro give me that i'm gonna start putting that on myself when i get needles i hate what they haven't they don't i'm like why don't you guys give this to everybody dude that's when you get needles

You're trying to say I'm on Roy's, bro? Just wondering. I'm not saying. I got my blood drawn. I'm not juiced at all. What are you talking about? Man, what a psycho for this guy. You're wearing a shark tooth necklace, dude. Obviously.

That's the telltale sign of being juiced up. Step one, shark tooth. I promise I'm not. You got cut on your head. You're the liver king, dude. You're fucked up.

Sorry, I've been training. I've just been training. We're going to bookend it with love. We're going to mosh pit in the middle. I've watched every single video. I've watched 20 hours of the liver king. I wanted to get him on. Dude, you called it. I was like, we got to get him on. You're like, I don't know, man. He's a loose cannon, man. Yeah, he is. He's a loose cannon. I don't want him coming for our families next. That'd be terrible.

He's not going to kill you, though. You've got a family. He wouldn't take you away from them. Is that what his defense was? Yeah, he's not trying to kill anybody. That checks out, then. He just wants to deliver a box to the comedy club. That's what he got arrested for. They're like some bomb. No, because I was wondering, too. I'm like, all right, he's making weird videos. Why did they arrest him? There was one where it was like...

very dark and threatening. He's doing bear crawls up and down the hallway of the Four Seasons being like, Joe Rogan. But no, there was one like something about like, I can't wait to meet your family or something. It was like open-ended and very threatening. I was like, okay, never mind. I can see why they fucking, I would not want that guy on my ass. If that guy was on my fucking ass. That'd be a tough one to have on your ass.

It's the toughest. Who the fuck else would be? Joe Rogan. Tap him on your ass and sock him. God damn, dude. If Joe Borgen was like, I'm going to fucking get your ass. He'd be like, oh, shit.

That would suck as well. If Joe Borgum was doing bear crawls in a hallway, he'd be like, I'm going to fucking kill you. I mean, I will say I was disappointed because the jiu-jitsu match would have been so tight. Borgum would have been crazy. It would have been sad, but that's what Liver King was kind of asking for. He

He was mad dogging me. He was like, break every bone in my body. He wanted a warrior's death. Yeah, he did. He wanted a warrior's death. I kind of, I don't know. It's so funny to be like, beat my ass for my fucking family. I need this. Joe Berger. Borgen. The pay-per-view would have been crazy, bro. Pay-per-view would have went. Joe Rogan versus the Holy Trinity. Lever King 3.0.

Is that what he is? He's the little gentleman. Have you watched all of them? You got to watch all of them. It's fucking incredible. I got to watch it. It's the same. He says the same thing over and over again on repeat. What does he say? Pound and lock it down. I don't know. Billy knows everything. He's just repeating it over and over again. At one point, he does a Instagram live with a jug of coffee and an enema. Yeah, I saw that one. A tube going from the jug into his ass, and he's in the shower like, oh, just hanging out. Like, bro.

That was the only one I saw. He was doing a coffee enema. Yeah. He does a coffee enema. I did one of those myself indirectly today. No, I just drank a ton of coffee, went for a walk, and just fucking blasted. You're the king. You're the king. I haven't taken creatine in a week, bro. The creatine was pumping me up. I've been on the teen pretty hard. Pause. Pause.

I'm sure you guys... I think you guys are just fucking siding with me. I'm not that jacked, bro. You're pretty jacked, but there's nothing wrong with that. I sent you my men's warehouse pictures, right? Yes. They are so good. So when I'm hosting the Espy's, you got to do like promo for it. They put me in a tuxedo and I'm like... I can't do a photo shoot. It's the most uncomfortable. So uncomfortable. They try to make you do stuff. They get you at the mothership. They'll be like, just lean against the wall. I've...

I've escaped all mothership photos. Good. That's a good move. The man came up with the best pose when they do that. What do you do? I go like this. Yeah. I hate cool photos. Please don't ever take my picture. Yeah. Cool photos. He does. He's nice about it. That's cool. He doesn't do it. I don't mind a regular shot. It's like, Hey, smile candid. But they're like, we just, they're posting too much. Yeah. It's the same fucking five people every single day. You know, Hey, look at Tony again.

He took a fucking tough one the other day. What happened? They hit him with the gayest photo possible. God damn it. Where'd they get him? He was like right behind the stage. But he had like a hand on a railing. No. It was a tough one. Why'd they put that up? Because I think, is it Ahsan who does it?

Yeah. There's a little hateful fuck. Somebody running it. He finds wherever you look fattest and he posts it. Got Tommy. Tommy. He's got several of Tommy where Tommy looks like he's 250 pounds. That's crazy. I get that too pretty bad. Hey, do you guys with the fat Italian filter? Yeah. With the pizza man filter. It looks like the guy that holds up the pizza box. Yeah, it was... They got to suss that out. There was some...

I don't want to fuck with anybody's money because somebody's making money on taking these pictures every day. It is nice having the photog, I will say. Really? Sometimes you get a nice one. Yeah, I use those for flyers and shit. Oh, yeah. Pro photos, man. You can just rip those things and, you know. It is useful to have. As well as the video recordings, but you can do that too. This is an advertisement from BetterHelp. The help with the better. I've been so stressed with everything that is stressing me out at work.

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Hey guys, hey real quick. I just wanted to tell you, uh, I have a big show coming up in Atlantic City It's in Ocean Casino Atlantic City August 18th The tickets are on my website mattmccusker.com Could be the biggest show of my life And i'll be in the area at the beach for that week, which will be pretty sick and brilliant team But guys, please come to the show. This is going to be a huge one and uh, you know if I fail to sell tickets i'll be

I'll be pretty bucked up. So please, please, please, please, please, please come. Ocean Casino, August 18th. It'll be a good time. No, it's not 16th. It's 18th, man. Check your phone, fool. What is it? August 16th. Is it the 16th? Yeah. It's August 16th. Motherfucker. Now I'm finna break her off just for being a good girl. Guys, thank you so much. Please, August 16th. My bad. It is August 16th, not August 18th.

Thank you guys. Atlantic City, please come. I'm going to try to do a bunch of new stuff. Come on. How was your taping? Dude, it was so sick. Yeah. Such a pressure cooker, man. I brought my whole family with me like a fucking dumbass. Insane move. Crazy fucking move, dude. Brought wife, obviously. I'm not going to get into detail, but it was like the unfun half of the month going on there. Brought a babysitter with us.

Times two. So I was rocking with... My wife got sick right away. So I had a sick wife. It was hell. Obviously. It was crazy. Yeah, she was sick. My wife had this fucking... It was a huge weekend for me. Oh, I'm sick and mean. Oh, all right. This is the most important weekend of my life. Well, my stomach hurts. She had like a 101 fever, dude. She had a 101. Just rocking in there, just like, oh, good luck. I'm like, Jesus Christ. Yeah, it was...

But then she came out to the lunch show. You were so mellow the whole time. I was more nervous than you were. I was freaking out leading up to it. I told you when I freaked out. Dude, it's fucking three days beforehand. Yeah, true. Actually, I'm happy I kind of did. I actually connected to some sort of normal set of feelings. But I was like...

Just sitting there in my office being like, should I switch this to the third person? I'm going to change all my jokes. I've been trying to write for like nine years. Oh, dude, that'd be sick going third person. And then he saw his wife. I just had like, and I was like, wait a second. I have to prepare for this special and I haven't performed in three weeks. And I was like, what the fuck am I doing? And I just literally walked to Nando's and just got wings.

And I knew I wasn't hungry. I was like, I'm eating for comfort. You're following my path. I literally did. You're following my absolute freak out path. I literally did. I was completely. I got to change everything. You know what? I'm going to eat wings. I'm good. I texted you right away. I was like, it made me laugh. I sat on a thing and I was like, this is exactly what he does. And I just, I was eating them outside in the heat and just sweat stinging my eyes. And I just, as I got more full, I was like, I feel okay now. Yeah. You got to get sick and hot.

And there you go. I'm ready to go on stage. And I felt much better. And then I like, you know, got it together. But I was still nervous because I had to do shows at the Hollywood Improv. Of course, they're like, they're going to bring it. There's like a small room. Like, we're going to bring a bunch of people out from the industry. I'm like, oh, great. Thanks. Great. Haven't, you know, I've done. I at least got to perform at the mothership. I ran it. I was like, all right, I still remember it. That's good. Did the improv. It was cool. And then, but yeah, then the taping, dude, I was like.

First night I saw I was like freaking and I kept flubbing lines like the sets were fine kept flubbing probably weren't flowing I was flowing them bro. It's all in your head. I Slight it was a slight fuck up and in your head you like one point at one point I literally it was kind of funny. I was like I fuck star And it was fun. But the one I did flub so bad a couple I did and then uh, but the second but then so the first night they're like, yeah, it's good We got it and I was like, I didn't love any of the sets. I was like fine enough and

And then the second night leading up to it, I literally cracked my head on a camera, dude. And you know what was funny, though? Because I was like going in the second night, the whole thing, especially when it's like, I don't know if you ever dealt with this, when you see the whole camera set up and you're like, all these people here to film me? You're like, I'm going to fucking blow it, dude. Yeah. It's like just bugging out. And I was like, I'm in over my head. Fuck. But then when I hit my head, they were like.

Just trying to fix it. It was like literally bleeding wounds. They had to put liquid bandage on it and just cover it with makeup. You should have kept the blood. Just occasionally have an edit where your face... I would have been kind of sick. That would have been awesome. Especially because it would kind of play with the intro too. The one thing I want to do is put myself in the audience. That would be nasty. Like over and over again. Laughing. Just in different outfits. That's so funny.

Why don't you do that? That's awesome. That's so funny. Maybe this one. If this one's not good, I'll do something weird. AI the audience. It's just you. I'll do something goofy. Drew, that's what I had to do. No, that's not true. No, I'm kidding.

Dude, the... So then I'm like, the second night is like, all right, you have to nail it this night. Like, all this fucking hoopla to film it. And then I was sitting backstage and just the fact that I'd cracked my head on a camera was like weirdly reassuring. I was like, dude, you're literally a dumbass. Like, stop worrying about anything. You're a fucking...

Just a dumb moron. You crack your head the day before. I was like doing jumps too. Because they were like, just for like all it takes. I was like jumping off the stage, clearing, clearing, trying to like clear people at a table. I was out high on it. They were really big jumps. You're fucking on rules. You're doing crazy shit. You jumped so far too. Bro, I lived. It was so fucking big.

you gotta stop you get twisted ankle you ruin the whole thing and i was like i don't care like i'm gonna jump as high as i want to break every bone in front of my family destroy me in front of my family honor it turned out good so i was happy but it was uh it was funny it was such a dumb epiphany like i was a fucking moron like i gotta i can't

I can't even try to pretend to, you know. Take this seriously. Yeah, or myself whatsoever. Like, do I really have what it takes? It's like, no, you're a moron, dude. Just go. Just do your stupid thing. All these cameras. Yeah, the cameras. When I filmed the Netflix special, they had the big one on the, like the crane. Yeah.

My whole first hour, I was just... I was scared out of it. It would fly through the air, so I'd be like... This has to be ruining the show for anybody around this. My second night, I had a giant white, like a spackle patch on my forehead. Yeah, because he got red, but the makeup was his original skin tone. I think I turned red, and it was just bright white right here.

Now, go to make facial expressions. It would just be a smooth circle. It was so funny. The movie I was just filming, the director would be like, find the lens. Look into the lens when you say a line. I didn't know he meant like near the lens. I spent three days going. He didn't catch it. He didn't catch it. So I might not be in this movie. Every scene I'm going, but what do we do now? Yeah.

Like, it was SNL. Straight. I was directly into the lens every single day. And then... Dude, they can just edit your eyes now. The fucking shit now. The effects are crazy. I eventually, like, day four of staring into the lens, I was like, when you say at the... He's like, no, don't look into the lens. I was like... I got bad news for you. Every scene. They're going to AI your eyes where they're just kind of like this way. Like...

Is he a blind guy? That's what they're going to have to do. I think they're going to have to use editing to kind of make it look like it doesn't have a giant face. The second one looks better, though, I thought. It did, but it was still like a purple bruise on my head that wasn't there the first night. Yeah, if I put makeup on, they never get my ears or my neck. It's just dark red and my face is white. I look like a Japanese lady. Yeah.

Your ears are just crimson. Dark red. Yeah, man. It was sick. It was a lot of fun. That was so much fun. But I'm fucking wiped, dude. I'm dead. It was a whole week. We did a whole week out there. And I would just get woken up at like 7 o'clock by my kids. So I'd be out doing that. Wake up early. I was running on literally fumes the whole time. I was like, the whole time. I'm like, I'm such a fucking idiot. This is the worst way you can possibly do this.

it was our airbnb was filthy the second one house it was a frat house dude oh no it was disgusting i got like a cold from it i think because they had air pure the place dude they didn't clean it like they there was like cans next to one of the beds just like wine coolers and a pack of peanut m&ms just laying there it's like dude i get it if you don't like hit all the nooks and crannies but you guys don't even we bought the house my family and i bought in the pokémon yeah

It was filled with trash. Was it really? Yeah. I lifted up the couch. There were like beer cans and condoms and shit. I was like, what the fuck is this? Oh, they're probably Planet Poconos strippers too. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This was, this was for real bachelor party heaven. It was like just filthy. It had a cool stereo room with like, just like, like Spencer's gift card lights. It was like so fucking dumb. Hopefully. And it was for real. That would be dumb, wouldn't it?

I mean, the family, for the family, I was vibing in there. But I like, if you walk around with your bare feet, your bottom of your feet would be black. Like it was disgusting. They had air purifier. They didn't do anything, but they did have air purifiers everywhere. So I was like, they got mold. They must have mold in this fucking place. No, brother. It sucked. But other than that, it was your balls don't hurt. Yeah. Yeah. True. At least you don't have epididymitis. Have you been grumpy about it?

You haven't lashed out at your partner? No, not at my partner. This morning I was more so just ashamed of myself. I did a little lash out this morning. Why'd you make me upset with your vagina? How dare you? You should blame her for it.

Okay. I'll try that. What's going on with you? It's your fault. What happened to you? What did you fucking do to me? What'd you give me? I was saying this, that the same urgent care that I got diagnosed with epididymitis at was the one that I got my rectal abscess treated at.

So I've gone to this urgent care with just butthole and nutsack problems, and they probably think I'm a fucking freak. Yeah, dude. Definitely, especially when they see a giant dick. They're going to think I'm a gay freak. They got that big clip where they're just going, oh, we got a case of freaking ass balls. Freaking balls. It's that weird guy with the huge dick again. The huge dick and the asshole. His asshole is wrecked again. His asshole is like Rainbow Road from Mario Kart. What did you just say?

Defies the laws of gravity. I told you guys about that right when I was screaming in the urgent care when they lanced my abscess. No. They gave me like five shots of numbing, which is what I thought about when you said the patch. I wish they would have just done that. That was the most painful. It was on the lump.

In my butthole. They jabbed it. Sorry if this is gross. But they jabbed it with a bunch of needles. And I was screaming like as loud and uncontrolled. As loud as I could. What a 10. It's a 10. It was a 10. It's like a 10. That was a 10. No, I was going, fuck. Fuck.

That's terrible I'd rather die yeah, I wanted to kill me if I have an abscess how many shots painful is I lost count probably like four or five Oh the mayor's s Probably my favorite. It's my favorite thing Exploding and stinking up an entire

Oh my God. I would fucking hate you. If I was in that room, I would fucking, I'd still hate you. That'd be a nice episode of House. I would think about it every day. I think an episode of House would come in and be like, some black guy's ass exploded. That's a black ass explosion, guys. Move over right now. Oh, man.

It hurts my testy to laugh. Oh, no. Squad down, dude. I got the mustache on right now.

Who would have thought that this lifestyle would lead us to severe health issues? I did have kind of a panic attack in my car. I haven't microdosed in a while and it hit me this morning like a ton of bricks. I was driving over here and like my pinky was touching my ring finger. I just didn't like it. I was like, I don't like the way my pinky feels on my ring finger. I guess that bothers me now that you mentioned it. It was killing me. Yeah, that would bother me. I was like, my hands started feeling fuzzy. I was like, I'm going to die. Fuck, this sucks. I finally overdid it.

The Cali weed was freaking me out. Yeah. After the first night of your taping, I was like, dude, everybody fucking hates me. I dropped Sean off at the wrong hotel. Oh, yeah. I was so high after maybe the Thursday show, I think. Yeah. And there's like a mall, so there's a bunch of hotels. And we just stopped at a hotel and I was so high. I was like, all right, see you, Matt. And I got out and I just smoked a cigarette out front of it for like

five ten minutes before I realized that I was in the wrong place I was driving away being like dude I can't believe I navigated right back to the right hotel I didn't even use my phone I was like that was pretty good and he called I was at a light and he called me like dude I'm at the wrong hotel I was like fuck being fucked up and trying to get into a hotel is I've done it 10,000 times dude every check in I'll be like

I left my key in my room. How's you guys night going? The worst one was I was in a K-hole. Oh, yeah. I was like, I can't move. I got to sit in the lobby. I can't walk. And then Kreischer showed up and was like, you can walk. I easily could walk. I could have walked the whole time. I sat in the lobby. He might be the best person in the world to be like, you can walk through a K-hole. Trust me, I've been through a K-hole.

Get up, Shane. Yeah, go to the wrong. You can do it. He might be the blue night, dude. That's a blue night. He could God. That's so funny. He was like, just laid there. I was sitting in a chair in the lobby in front of the desk. Everyone was just kind of like, this guy's chilling. Oh, that's not bad.

Yeah, I was basically a homeless guy. Just came in and sat. And everyone was like, all right, I guess he's doing something. Sat there for at least an hour. Did you try to like, I guess you went on your phone? What did you do? No, I was literally on ketamine. Oh, you were fucked. For an hour. Were you drinking on the ketamine too? I needed help. Oh, man.

Yeah, it's a heavy depressant. It's pretty nice. It went away. It went away quick. Literally as soon as he was like, you can walk. I was like, oh, all right. Turns out I can. Sick. Yeah, I've heard of people thinking they were doing like Coke and it turns out it's ketamine and just being like, what the fuck? You would have to do a pretty... It was liquid. Yes. They said they thought it was liquid cocaine. That's what I had. I had the nasal spray. That's what happened. The prescription nasal ketamine. Yeah.

How do you get your hands on that? What's it prescribed for? I don't know. You can get it online, dude. You can get like... Yeah, you can get ketamine pretty easy, I think. Yeah. Through a doctor. Interesting. Verified. You can get lozenges. You can get like... I never did it. It's... Sounds kind of fun. I can get it for you if you want. It's not that fun. Stick to blow. All right. If you say so. If you say so. Fine, I guess I have to now.

It's either this or ketamine, so I had to do one. Sure, you got to stick to the company culture. We don't want internal problems. Okay. Sean, it's come to our attention you've stopped doing cocaine. Sean, you've been sober for a week? We need to talk about this. We don't like that. Lemise got to witness me and the Ocon man have a true battle. Do you want to step in, Lemise? Yeah, let's get Lemise in here for this because...

May I pee real quick? Yeah. Right back. I'll just hold it down. Not in the mother... Hold down the arc. This doesn't even plug in anything. This episode is brought to you by Dude Wipes. If you're still dry wiping with toilet paper, you need to stop being an A-hole to your B-hole and switch to Dude Wipes. Isn't that funny?

That is fine. Whoever wrote this, give me a call. I need some material. I made the switch myself, and the difference, let me tell you, is real. Dude wipes tackle the mess without any fuss, and the convenience of their flushable design makes cleanup a breeze. No more juggling rolls or settling for less than adequate wipes. Aren't you tired of juggling rolls, Matt? For sure. They leave no room for dingleberries. All right. Or stray butt crumbs that TP might miss. Yeah, leave those on the floor. The butt crumbs, yeah.

Plus they're extra large for adults. I like that because you are not a baby. So stop using baby wipes. Ditch the itch and switch to wet, extra large, flushable dude wipes. Dude wipes. Best clean pants down. Available on Amazon and at major retailers nationwide. This episode is brought to you by dude wipes. If you're still dry wiping with toilet paper, you need to stop being an a-hole to your b-hole and switch to dude wipes. Isn't that funny?

That is fine. Whoever wrote this, give me a call. I need some material. I made the switch myself, and the difference, let me tell you, is real. Dude wipes tackle the mess without any fuss, and the convenience of their flushable design makes cleanup a breeze. No more juggling rolls or settling for less than adequate wipes. Aren't you tired of juggling rolls, Matt? For sure. They leave no room for dingleberries. All right. Or stray butt crumbs that TP might miss. Yeah, leave those on the floor. The butt crumbs, yeah.

uh plus they're extra large for adults i like that because you are not a baby so stop using baby wipes ditch the itch and switch to wet extra large flushable dude wipes dude wipes best clean pants down uh available on amazon and at major retailers nationwide hey man hello how are you i'm good dude i'm uh feeling all right i feel pretty good yeah slept nice

I had a nice sleep myself. I slept like 10 hours. Oh, that's beast. Fucking great. 10 hours is good. Yeah. And I woke up like right when I had to wake up. You know what I mean? Yeah. It wasn't like 8 a.m. You didn't even get an alarm? I did have an alarm. No, I woke up before the alarm. Sweet. But it was, usually I wake up and I'm like, fuck, it's so early. I check, it's like 8 a.m., 7 a.m. Yeah. Yeah.

10 a.m. today. Perfect. Perfect. Dude, that going back to sleep when you wake up early is the worst. Like, it's the most risky sleep in the world. It is because you feel good the first time when you wake up when it's early. You go, I'm actually, I could get up now if I wanted, but I might as well sleep for three more hours. Then you sleep for three hours. You wake up like, oh, shit. Why did I do that?

You're talking about that at the bar, the hangover sleep? That shit rocks. When you wake up at fucking 9 and you're like, I'm so hungover, and then you sleep until 1 and you go... I got away with that. I can't believe I got away with that one. The Okan man must be... He must literally be dead. I didn't know how bad he was. Me and the Okan man...

argued for seven hours. Politics. Straight. Seven hours straight. Was it like Iran stuff? It was everything. It just kept going back to Donald Trump's a giant piece of shit. We were screaming, arguing. Every time he would say something, I'd be like, we can look that up. I guarantee you. It happened like five different times where he said something and then I would look it up and go, this didn't happen. He would go,

That's not what I meant. And then he would change the argument. Oh, no. It was crazy. The one I remember was he was like, popular vote means winning 50%. Yeah, more than 50%. Yeah, more than 50%. I was like, no, it doesn't. Yeah. Popular vote is just the total vote. He was like, no, it's not. I didn't know that either. Then you pulled it out. Trump won the popular vote. Yeah. Yeah. The Republican won the popular vote for the first time in forever. Yeah, I thought it was like a landslide, the last one. For a Republican, that was a landslide. Yeah, yeah.

It was nice to look up and go, see? And he was like. Dude's best feeling in the world. Googling something in the middle of an argument. This is kind of the reverse happened to me and him before when I fell down in the airport at JFK. We had a long argument. I ended up falling down. I lost the argument. Yeah, true. This time it was Chris. So we're sitting there for so long arguing. And I was like, man, Chris is fucking. At one point I had to be like, watch how you're talking to me. Yeah.

Like, this is crazy. He was screaming. He did say, all right, my bad on that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was full. And then LaMera agreed with me on something. He was like, of course, you fucking suck his fucking dick. Fucking ball wash him. It was like...

LeMaire never does that. LeMaire disagrees with everything I say. He literally does. Yeah, he's a cocksucker. But he was like mad at LeMaire, then he got mad, then he stood up and fell over a chair. He kept his balance, but as soon as he stood up, I was like, oh, all right. Yeah, and then he came back and called me. Then he called me for way too long. He kept talking to me.

What are you calling you for, Nate? Well, Nate sold us out. Nate sold us out, yeah. Nate sold us out, and then you left La Mer in a very uncomfortable spot. If La Mer's here, if La Mer's around me without you guys, it's very weird. What happens? He's just as quiet. Like, when he lived with me, he would just walk through the house. Yeah, yeah. Hey, hey, Shane. I don't want to activate you. Yeah, you were around with some tough ones. I'd be hungover. I'd be like, get the fuck out of my house.

He's so quiet around. Oh, great. You again. What the fuck, dude? I keep thinking about the plane. The plane? That was fun. Getting drunk on the plane. You're like, whatever. Yeah, on the way there, you're, you know...

Terrified of flying. Yeah, when you're sober. Way back, you have four drinks. You're like, kill me. Kill me right now. I'll beat God's ass for this. Right when I get to the pearly gates, I'm sprinting into his house. You motherfucker. You're going to fucking kill me in a plane? I was doing stuff.

We were talking about getting to the pearly gates and St. Peter being like, oh, Shane Gillis, it looks like he's here. Shut the fuck up, dude. God lives in a townhouse. He's running through his screen door while he's watching TV. You fucking bitch. Why'd you kill me on a plane?

What if you went there and you're like, Shane, you are my strongest angel. Yeah, I figured. That's why I would beat the shit out of St. Peter like that. The fuck, dude. Yeah, St. Peter's kind of, excuse my French, Lord, a bitch. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What the fuck are you talking about, dude? You're talking about the rock of the church, dude. Yeah, what the hell are you talking about? I mean, dude, the rock of the church is Jesus. That's my idea. No. Jesus is the fucking church. Jesus is the body of the church. Peter's the rock. Peter's the rock that it's built upon. Yeah.

Come on, man. He's not as sophisticated as Paul, but his actions. Wait, Peter lied. Or Peter, you're fucking. Peter denied him. What would you have done, dude? You're about to get crucified upside down, man. I don't even know that fucking guy. Dude, the imminent threat. And everyone's just like, oh, all right. Yeah. We saw you hanging out with him every day. Nah. I hated him, too. I'm Judas.

I've been reading about the Desert Fathers. Did you ever get down with those guys? No. Dude, there was these guys in, like, I think the 4th century who once, I think Constantine was a guy who, like, made it the Roman, you know, Roman Catholic Church or whatever, the official religion. There were these guys that were just already Catholics or Christians that were like, fuck this. They were like, this is not good. They just went to the desert and just fucking died. Got mainstream. It got too mainstream. I like the old decimals. Yeah, for sure.

All these new fans suck. Yeah, for real. They were like, sell out. And then they went out. Also, they knew, because I think the guy was like using it for battles. He was like, I saw, you know, he saw the sun split into a silver cross and he had the dream. These guys that were like, I guess like, you know, hermits or like in a monastery were like, fuck, this is not what we're doing here. What the hell? We're not supposed to use our stuff for Roman battles. God damn it. So he just went to the desert and they just like. I should have talked about punching God.

He knows you're kidding. He knows I'm joking. You do it all now. But now I'm definitely going to die in a fucking plant crash. No, he knows. Fuck. That's going to be so scary. That would be. It's going to be so scary. God, isn't it? God's going to be like, you think you can beat me up, motherfucker? You were going to start over from the beginning of evolution now? Jerk. God's going to make me share like this.

Smashing the button. You're going to get a call like, Shane, how do you feel about doing a show this weekend, actually? Yeah, it was tight. They just went to the desert and just fucking vibed up. They were asking me to go to the Middle East soon. What? Where? Why? Saudi Arabia and UAE, or Dubai. Dubai? I think I'm going to pass. Yeah.

For the troops? Is it for the troops? Not for the troops. It's for the Saudis. For the Saudi princes? Yeah, and everyone's like, yeah, you should do it. Everyone's doing it. It's like, for Saudis? Yeah. Weren't those the 9-11 guys? That's all I thought. Weren't they exactly the 9-11 guys? It was Iran, wasn't it? Yeah. It's all been Iran this whole time. Convenient. Fucking Iran.

Hello, everybody. That concludes this week's regular episode. If you'd like to hear the rest, please join us on Patreon. Patreon.com slash MSSecretPod. Thank you. Have a great week.