The Most Ominous Bird with Alanna Bennett
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Hello and welcome to Normal Gossip. I'm your host, Rachel Hampton. And in each episode of this podcast, we're going to bring you an anonymous morsel of gossip from the real world. Welcome to episode four, y'all. Today, I am so, so excited to be joined by Alana Bennett. Alana is a screenwriter and culture writer who has written for film and television, including shows like Exo Kitty and Roswell.

Alana's writing has appeared in the New York Times, Teen Vogue, The Cut, and every other important publication. Her first novel, The Education of Kia Greer, comes out May 13th.

Alana, welcome. Thank you so much for joining me. I am so, so happy to be here. Hello. I'm so excited you're here. My first question is, do you consider yourself a gossip? I do consider myself a gossip. The main negative thing that I feel about gossip is actually a negative feeling I have about shit talk.

which I believe is a subsidiary of gossip. So I agree. Yeah. And I think it can be different. It's like a square versus a rectangle situation. I think shit talking can be necessary to blow off steam when somebody is harming you. I've also seen it used way too many times as like a weapon in friend groups. And I've also done that. I will at least I did it a bunch in college. And

I think that shit talk can be a check yourself before you wreck yourself type of situation. Yeah. Where if you're doing it to too many people, the problem is probably actually you. Yes, I agree. So be selective with the shit talk. But sometimes it's important.

in certain workplaces, in certain friend situations, roommate situations. Sometimes you need that valve to let the steam out. But with gossip, like good, fun gossip or also gossip that can protect others from harm, I think that is tried and true and eternal. And I respect it and I indulge in it and I seek it out at every opportunity. I could honestly talk about this forever. Me too. Stop me whenever. But...

A little birdie told me you have some gossip for me. Oh, I do. This is one of my favorite pieces of gossip. So this was a friend of a friend's old roommate. The setting, a major city. This girl, let's call her Daisy, is in her senior year of college. At the time, she matches with this cute guy on a dating app.

And I heard the story from the roommate's perspective. So roommate is like, huh, Daisy usually comes home after dates or hookups. She likes to be back in her own space. But Daisy strolls in around 11 a.m. The roommate pounces. She's like, tell me everything. And Daisy has got this look in her eyes. And Daisy says, date was great. The guy was funny and cute. And

So when he invited her back to his place, she said yes. And then he gave her this heads up. It's not actually his place. He's house sitting for his half brother. So he's basically like, just know none of the stuff in this apartment is mine. It's not a reflection of my personality. Yeah.

That's one hell of a disclaimer. So she's like, okay. And I think she's expecting like a sword guy. You know, the kind of guy with swords all over the walls. She's like, don't be alarmed. Yeah. So they go to the Saf Brothers apartment, which is in this high rise. They ride the elevator all the way to the penthouse. Doors open directly into the apartment. Floor to ceiling glass windows. Gorgeous views. Oh.

Oh, she's looking around and she's got to ask, what does your half brother do for a living? And the guy plays coy. All he says at first is that his brother works in entertainment. He's a little famous, so he doesn't want to blow up his spot. She's like, OK, whatever. OK, let's get to why we came here. So he takes her to the master bedroom, which is where he's staying while he houses. They have sex. Perfectly normal. First date sex.

Then it's over. She's like, okay, what now? This is a cool place. There's a hot tub on the deck. Let's enjoy some of this apartment's many amenities. Have champagne in said hot tub. So naturally they slide into round two. During this round of the hookup, however, she ends up on top. And in the process, she grips the headboard and seems to press some sort of button or something. Yeah.

And the entire bed jolts and it shifts and a hidden compartment opens up beneath them. Like it's big enough to fit human bodies into it. No, no, immediate exit. I've seen Law and Order SVU. It's time to go. So they're obviously frozen in shock. And it's now that this guy is like, um,

I guess the time has come to tell you who my brother is. And she's like, yeah, I think you need to now. I think it's necessary. So the guy explains his brother is a famous magician.

I won't say his name here, but you have definitely heard his name before. And the guy's best guess for this bed is that his brother was either building out a magic trick with it for his stage show or that he had some magic tricks that he liked to perform as part of sex. So the date really, really wants this woman to know that he himself did not know this was a trick bed. Oh, Lana. I know. I think about this all the time.

I don't know how I would react. I know. When my friend told me the story, it's one of those stories that now when we're with other groups of friends, I turn to her and I'm like, you have to tell them the story. Yes, yes, yes. Immediately. So obviously this was enough of an explanation for her in the moment because she did spend the night, though I don't know whether they slept in the trick bed or not.

What I do know is she liked him enough to go out with him twice more after that. Eventually, they each pulled the very common dating magic trick of mutual ghosting, at which point she expressed relief to her roommate that it was over because after he told her about his family, every time she looked at him, she couldn't.

unsee the resemblance to his magician brother and it would bring that moment back over and over again yeah that seems hard to shake as a story yeah also if the relationship progressed at some point you would have to meet the magician brother oh i'm not an actress oh you'd have to look him in the eye

You can't tell me that was for a stage show. No, exactly. Why is it still in your bedroom? It was not for a stage show. That's for magician sex. Yes. If you're a famous magician, there's no way that when you pull that they're not expecting some kind of like magic involved. It just goes along with it. But I just don't want to be close to that. Thanksgiving with that person across the table. Making the turkey disappear. Yeah.

Oh, Alana, that was a beautiful story. Thank you so much. I'm going to be telling that story as soon as I leave this recording. I'm so glad to share it with the world. Are you ready for some gossip? I am so ready. I'm so excited. I think you're going to like this story. Some might say it's a bit of a magical match.

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Our story today takes place in a desert town in southwestern America. It's the kind of place that attracts artistic hippie types, the kind of place that proudly identifies as weird. Everything is weird.

Everything is sun bleached and there's a lot of turquoise. If you need a music cue, think wide open spaces by the chicks. Does this vibe appeal to you? Are you a fan of the desert? I am not a fan of hiking in the desert. I'm not a fan of the outdoors in the desert because I don't trust it.

But I will say I wrote for a show called Roswell, New Mexico and spent some time in Santa Fe filming that. It's like the most beautiful when I don't have to be traversing through the cacti and we had a snake wrangler. I don't want to be anywhere where there has to be a snake wrangler, but I can do it in small doses. Yeah.

a professional snake wrangler. So I don't want to be there in the desert, but a desert town with desert hippies. Delightful. Yes. I want to be in a car. I don't want to be out in the desert. Yes. Yes. Okay. Today we have two friends of a friend. Their names are Madeline and Nicole, and they've been best friends since the sixth grade when they bonded over being the first in their grade to get braces. Traumatic experience. I get it. Yes.

They've been inseparable ever since. They call each other Nick and Mads. It's very cute. Nicole's grandmother recently moved into an assisted living facility. And as her grandma's favorite grandchild, Nicole has been tasked with taking a first pass at cleaning out her grandma's house. Nicole's happy to do it because her grandma has immaculate taste. And Nicole gets first dibs on anything her grandma wants to get rid of. Okay, okay.

She's even happier to do it because as soon as she told Madeline about it, Madeline had begged to come along with her. Madeline's been obsessed with this desert town since the first time Nicole came back from a visit to her grandmother's house with a tarot deck, an incredible vintage denim jacket, and a story about how her grandma used to be called Two-Gen Jean. Oh! Because two gens is all it took to get her going. Yeah.

Nicole and Madeline have been traveling together since they had enough money to do so. So the idea of a two day road trip is thrilling to them and not daunting. The road trip becomes even more thrilling the closer they get to town, which I will now be referring to as Tumultuous.

tumbleweed springs. Okay, perfect. About 40 miles out, Madeline spots a billboard for something other than Jesus and personal injury lawyers. Alana, how do you feel about magic shows? I've seen a magician perform. I've never been to like a place that just does magic shows, but I would be into it, I think.

I would be scared of being called for audience participation. I would be into watching from afar. You don't want to be sawed in half. No, but I want to see what they would come up with. Real.

So Madeline's not necessarily obsessed with magic. She just saw David Copperfield at a formative age. So as soon as she sees this sign, which advertises an adult magic show, right in Tumbleweed Springs, starring the mysterious Steve. Okay. She turns to Nicole and is like, the mysterious Steve? Yeah.

The billboard doesn't have anything else on it except a silhouette graphic of a crow. Nicole laughs and is like, I forgot about that billboard.

And she tells Madeline that she had actually never been to the show because it was 21 plus and she hadn't visited Tumbleweed Springs since college. And then Nicole admits that she's low key, always wanted to see it, especially because everyone in Tumbleweed Springs is so weird about it. Oh, weird in what way? Also, the adult part is starting to raise flags. Yeah.

Well, like, if you ask anyone in town about the show, they'll say they can't talk about it with anyone who hasn't seen it. Oh. It's kind of a main attraction in Tumbleweed Springs. Like, people have bumper stickers on their cars that say, I've seen the Mysterious Steve. The bumper stickers also have the silhouette of a crow. Okay. Would you want to check out the Mysterious Steve? This is all the information you have. Bye!

Would, unfortunately, want to check out the Mysterious Steve. I'm concerned, but I am curious enough. I'm concerned about the over 21 aspect. But I am intrigued by the fact that it's been so long running and that Steve in this place that is not...

probably a bustling metropolis, has had such success. I think the fact that it is the middle of the desert means Steve's probably a little weird because that's just what these places attract. Yeah. Madeline immediately finds the Facebook business page for the mysterious Steve and buys two tickets for the following evening. Of course, it's not like a website. It's not a proper website. Oh, has to be a Facebook page. Yeah.

A couple of minutes later, Madeline receives confirmation along with a list of rules.

So the rules are as follows. No outside water bottles slash drinks or food are allowed in the domicile of Mysterious Steve. There will be a cash theater bar serving themed cocktails and snacks. Be there 15 minutes before the show starts because the doors close at 9 p.m. Patrons are not allowed to wear hats or sneakers as Mysterious Steve finds this disrespectful. Okay. And.

And then the final rule is please confirm by way of response that you have read and understood everything. Oh, what do you think of these rules?

I am fascinated by the having to respond as if you're in the exit row of a plane. Yeah, most of them seem fine to me. The first one, no outside water bottles. I understand no outside food in general just to make you buy the stuff there. But that just makes me feel like, why is he afraid of water? These are all great questions. Madeline,

also thinks the last part is a little weird about confirming, but she responds and she confirms that she sees everything. And she asks, can we bring empty reusable water bottles to fill up?

The account responds back, no need. We sell bottles of water. Madeline and Nicole are like, fine, sure, whatever. The next day comes and it is the first time our ladies start to get a sense of the task ahead of them. Grandma Jean does have immaculate taste, but she, like most older people, has some hoarding tendencies. So the next day is spent tossing out cans of soup that expired in the early aughts. Oh, yes.

And sorting through decades of old life magazines. By the time the evening rolls around, Madeline and Nicole are more than ready for a magical experience. Yes, yes, yes. When they arrive at the theater, it's about the size of a single screen movie theater. And it is immediately clear that it hasn't been updated since the late 80s, at least. Okay.

Just adds to the vibe. Yeah. There's no security. The shag carpet has been mowed down by generations of feet. Oh, not a shag carpet. There's a lot of royal red and dark purple velvet. The chandeliers are plentiful and also very dusty. There are a bunch of signed pictures up at the theater, like at Benihana. Yeah.

Okay. Instead of celebrities who have been to see Mysterious Steve, it's just a bunch of photos of the Mysterious Steve with his mentor, the fabulous Matt. Okay.

At the door, our ladies are greeted by Mysterious Thieves' assistant, Indigo. Indigo is draped from head to foot in flowy linen, and her silver hair is braided into a butt-length braid. Indigo looks at Nicole very solemnly as she checks their tickets, and then says that as the town's resident quantum healer, she would recommend Nicole work on her vibrations. Huh?

Quantum healer. Okay. Nicole and Madeline give each other that look that says, let's buckle the fuck in as they go to find their seats.

You know that sound that metal reusable water bottles make when they hit something? Oh, yeah. I once dropped one in a museum and it was traumatic. Oh, God. Everybody just like whipping towards you. Nicole is very familiar with that sound since she carries a reusable water bottle everywhere. She meant to leave hers in the car and only remembers that she hadn't when her water bottle hits an armrest. Oh, no. It doesn't make the loudest sound, but it is definitely audible.

over the low atmospheric music that's playing. Indigo's head whips around. Oh, no. And the sort of dreamy expression on her face evaporates into anger. She makes her way over to Nicole and Madeline and is like, did you not read the rules? They explicitly say no water bottles.

Nicole is instantly apologetic. She's like, I'm so sorry. I meant to leave it in the car. I can drop it off outside really quick or just finish the water that's left in here. It's only a little bit. Indigo's eyes get really big and she's like, no, you cannot drink that water. She's like, water has memory. It holds special frequencies. What?

Our water bottles, which cost $8, by the way, have been pre-doused. So they won't interfere with the dousing portion of this event. What's the dousing? What do you think of this explanation? I don't like it. And my fight or flight has been activated. I have follow-up questions for Indigo about what the dousing portion means. What did you put in the water?

Is it just vibes or is it something else that you put in the water? Yeah. Nicole and Madeline are like, what the fuck have we gotten ourselves into? But Nicole's been wanting to see this show since she was a teen. So she kind of swallows her questions and she's like, you're right. I'm so sorry. Water does have memory.

Can I just run out and put this in my car? And Indigo sort of huffs and is like, fine, but hurry up. The show is starting soon. So Madeline's waiting in the theater for Nicole to get back. The theater is like half full. Only a few seconds have passed before Madeline hears angry whispers floating from behind the tattered velvet curtain on stage. Oh, no. Oh, no.

She can't quite make out what the whispers are saying, but she can tell that one of the voices is definitely Indigo's and the other is definitely male. Madeline's no psychic, but she's fairly certain that Indigo and the mysterious Steve are discussing Nicole. Okay. Oh, no.

She's preparing to tell Nicole when she gets back, except as soon as Nicole reenters the theater, sans water bottle, Indigo and the mysterious Steve exit from behind the curtain and go to confront Nicole. It was just an innocent mistake. What would you expect a man named the mysterious Steve to look like? Oh, no. I'm picturing, like...

A wiry little rat man with a weird little mustache, long dark hair, either in a braid or just like in a weird little ponytail. That's the vibe I'm getting. Alana, it's like you're a psychic.

The mysterious Steve is wearing a bolo tie and a vintage tuxedo shirt with a velvet blazer over the top. All of these items have clearly seen better days, as has his little ponytail, which is much longer than it is thick. The

The mysterious Steve meets Nicole at the door and starts angrily talking at her about how rude she is. He goes on about how the venue is a cherished local theater and how no theater in the world would allow someone to bring a water bottle. Madeline has known Nicole long enough to know what she looks like when she gets angry. And she also knows that Nicole tends to get sarcastic when she's angry sometimes.

So she sort of winces when she sees Nicole smirk and then just fully cringes when Nicole's like, well, actually, I've been to Broadway and that's not true. Ooh. Yes.

Do you think the mysterious Steve will take kindly to this? I think he will not at all take kindly to this, but I think she makes a good point. Are you better than Broadway, Steve? Well, Steve doesn't even really have a chance to because before he can respond, Nicole continues. Nicole's like, and if you're such a great magician, why didn't you just make my water bottle disappear? She said, I will not be taken down by this man. Yeah.

Not this ponytail. No. Indigo lets out a dramatic gasp. Madeline stands up because she can sense what's about to happen next.

As can everyone else in the halfle theater who had fully dropped with the polite pretense of not paying attention to this interaction. The mysterious Steve draws himself up imperiously. But then he says to Nicole, I'm making you disappear. Get the fuck out. Oh. For a moment, Nicole looks shocked. And then she's like, fuck your magic show. Oh.

And storms out. This is going to sound like a non sequitur, but I swear it's going to make sense. I recently lit a kitchen towel on fire while I was cooking dinner for a friend and she had to help me put it out because I just fully froze. I was just like, oh my God, this towel's on fire. What do I do? I also was a little bit high. Yeah. The fire looks cool, but also I needed to go away. Yeah.

Anyway, as soon as the fire was out, I knew this was going to be something we would reference forever. And now every so often we text each other like, remember when that kitchen towel was on fire? It was so on fire, right? Have you had a moment like this with a friend before where something happens and you're immediately like, this is lore now? Oh, absolutely. Oh.

Oh, yes. Madeline and Nicole know they're going to be dining out on this experience with Mysterious Steve for at least two years minimum. This is the funniest thing that's happened to them in months. Getting kicked out of the Mysterious Steve show is almost even better than seeing the Mysterious Steve show. Our two ladies immediately drive to a bar and order a pitcher of margaritas and a plate of wings. And they spend two hours picking over the experience, which lasted about 15 minutes to be clear. Yeah.

They're like, did you see his ponytail? And what about all the turquoise? And who the fuck is Fabulous Matt? Somewhere between their second and third round of margaritas, Madeline and Nicole decide to leave a review for the show on Facebook. Are you someone who leaves online reviews? I am not. I am not usually. I feel like I will age into it. I feel like more. I'll leave one more review every year of my life.

So Mysterious Steve's show has about 150 reviews and most of them are five stars. The reviews read like the part with the cactus, just wow. And I still don't understand what Mysterious Steve did with those handcuffs. And the crow section was crazy. And a few that were like incredible to still have abs at Steve's age. What? Drop the workout routine. Oh no. Oh no.

It's an adult magic show. The ones that are three or four stars all have responses from the Mysterious Steve Facebook page that alleges the reviewer never actually saw the show. All to say Nicole and Madeline get a real sense of joy from writing their one-star review. They write,

They write that as soon as they were made aware of this honest mistake, they tried to rectify it by putting the water bottle in their car. But upon returning to the theater, a member of their party was accosted by the mysterious thief. And then they end their review with this.

We came for a night of fun, and instead we were treated horribly by everyone involved. Who kicks people out of a magic show? What do you think of this review? I think it's honest and good, and people should know how seriously he takes the water bottles, because otherwise you're going to have the same experience.

It's true. Nicole and Madeline are both just mostly impressed with their ability to properly punctuate after two rounds of margaritas. So they order another and then grab a cab back to Grandma Jean's place. It's once they've gotten back to Grandma Jean's place that Madeline realizes she has received a bunch of calls over Facebook from the mysterious Steve. No! A Facebook call? Literally just the words Facebook call sent a chill down my spine. Oh my god!

No, don't call me on Facebook. Don't call me on Instagram. Don't call me in general if I do not know you. The mysterious Steve has called Madeline so many times and then finally sent her a block of text over Facebook Messenger.

Would you like to hear what the mysterious Steve had to say? Yes, I guess. He wrote, Dear Madeline, how surprising that you've chosen to write a review for a theatrical experience you've yet to see.

We here at Mysterious Steve's Mystery Palace treasure all perspectives. Still, I think we can both agree that it's only fair to evaluate something after experiencing it firsthand. I, too, find it regrettable that our interactions weren't as cordial as they should have been. However, we locate the blame in different places. Oh, okay. You did not apologize and were very rude. We hope that you will reflect on the incident and choose to communicate more politely in the future.

No one likes to feel left out. I understand this may be difficult for you. I don't sense that you're the type of person who wants to ruin lives, but the review you wrote isn't justified because you haven't seen the show. Additionally, it's hurting my business, the thing that provides food for my family. I kindly ask you to remove it. ♪♪

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So after receiving this text from the mysterious Steve, Malin and Nicole don't only decide not to remove their review. They decide to engage in a flame war over Facebook Messenger with the mysterious Steve. Yes. And it gets pretty heated. He does seem like the type to get very heated over Facebook.

At one point, the mysterious Steve informs Madeline Nicole that he is one 18th Cherokee and accuses them of being racist. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Madeline's like, I didn't even speak a single word the whole time I was in the theater. Eventually, Madeline and Nicole start feeling the three pitchers of margaritas and they get sleepy and they decide they're done fighting with this guy and they're like, time to go to bed. When they wake up, there are yet more Facebook messages and calls from the mysterious Steve. One of the messages even says that the police are looking for them. What? At this point, Madeline and Nicole are both surprised

sober and hungover and no longer feel like engaging. Like, we can't do this anymore. So Madeline blocks Mysterious D's Facebook page and the two go about their day, which includes visiting Grandma Jean at her extremely bougie senior living facility. Nicole and Madeline are regaling Grandma Jean with the story of their previous night.

Grandma Jean is laughing until Madeline's like, yeah, and then he said the police are looking for us. Isn't that so funny? Grandma Jean's like, oh, girls, I have to tell you something. And Grandma Jean tells him that Mysterious Steve isn't just a magician. He's also a reserve deputy sheriff. What? Which basically means he's a volunteer cop.

Who's a volunteer cop? People with too much time on their hands. Also, can you imagine like being pulled over by that ponytail in the middle of the night in the desert? Yeah. So now Madeline and Nicole are like, are the police actually looking for us? Grandma Jean also informs them that Mysterious Steve didn't simply learn magic and an unusual approach to stage names from the fabulous Matt.

He was invited to become a reserve deputy sheriff since Matt was the town sheriff for decades. Oh, what is going on with the police force? Tumbleweed Springs has a lot going on. All of their cops are magicians? Yes. How do you react to this news? Do you feel like you've broken any laws? No.

don't feel like I've done anything wrong I am concerned for the structure of Tumbleweed Springs the societal structure and that there could be cops after you but having a cop after you and knowing that you have done nothing and knowing that there are no laws that you broke one of the worst feelings in the world I have to think

Because they could still come after you. Yeah. Mal and Nicole only have like 48 more hours in town. Neither of them are lawyers, but they're both like, there's no way we broke a law by leaving a one-star review. On the way home from Grandma Jean's, Nicole gets a call from an unknown number with a local area code. It's one of those numbers that says spam likely. And they call Nicole three times in a row. She does not answer. But she's like, what if he...

He has access to like a police database or something and got my number. Madeline's like, okay, just block the number. Both of them are starting to get freaked out and are trying not to show it. When they get back to Grandma Jean's house, they see that Nicole has received friend requests from the personal accounts of both the mysterious Steve and Indigo. Oh my God. She gets messages from them both, which reiterate that the police are looking for her and that she should go to the police station.

Expand on that thought, both of you, because what is happening? Why are you thinking so hard about this one-star review? Okay, Steven. Indigo even found Nicole's crafting Instagram called NickSnacks and left a comment on one of the public posts there. Also, at some point, Instagram sends Nicole a message that she requested her own password, which she did not.

So now Nicole is assuming that they're trying to break into her Instagram account. None of this is helped by the fact that while Nicole and Madeline are going through Grandma Jean's clothes and pretending not to be worried, they hear a loud crash and run out to the front room to see that a crow has fallen dead from the sky right onto the porch. No! Not the most ominous bird. The only more ominous one being Ravens. Yeah, but...

So, Alana, you're in a desert town in the middle of nowhere and a magician slash volunteer cop is seemingly out to get you. What do you do? I leave and then I write a novel or a long narrative podcast or sell it as a TV show, but then I never return to this place.

You're like, I exploit my fear for gain. Yes. And I tell everybody. And then I never return to any desert town. Not even just that one. No desert town. Not even in America. I will not be going to the desert on any continent. No. And I just trust all crows. So neither one of our ladies wants to admit to being scared enough to leave. They're like, this is ridiculous. Yeah.

But they're both like, what if we just stayed in tonight? We're tired. They dig through Grandma Jean's fridge and pantry only to realize pretty much everything is expired. Okay.

They consider delivery, but they don't feel great about giving out their address. Right. And the grocery store in town is right next to the Mysterious Thieves Theater. Oh, no. So they end up going to a diner on the other side of town. But things seem weird there, too. They kind of feel like everyone's staring at them.

It's not until the waitress asks them how long they're in town that they're both like, oh, yes, this town is very small. They know we're not from here. That's probably what's happening. Right. And so they tell the waitress that they're only in town for another day and a half. And then the waitress is like, well, you have to see the mysterious Steve while you're here. He's unforgettable. As soon as the waitress leaves, Madeline and Nicole were like, what do you think she meant by unforgettable? Does she know? Yeah.

They eat as fast as possible and scurry home, but weird things keep happening. Do you think our friend should be worried? Would you be like burning sage at this point? I might be burning sage. I'll definitely looking over my shoulder, definitely distrusting the general...

Vibe. I'm ready to go home. Yeah. Our girls are in the same place, especially once Nicole finds mold in her reusable water bottle, even though she just washed it before heading out on the road. Unknown numbers continue to call. The next day, Nicole and Madeline are just like rushing to finish cleaning out the house so that they can leave bright and early the next morning.

While they're wrapping dishes with newspaper, an unforecasted storm passes through town and it drops more rainfall on the town than Tumbleweed Springs has seen in a decade. Is this climate change or the mysterious Steve? It's the mysterious Steve.

Nicole and Madeline don't want to stick around to find out. Finally, the morning comes where they're scheduled to leave. Nicole and Madeline are usually the type of road trippers who are always like two hours behind schedule. Same. I can't get up in the morning. This time, they're both up and alert at four in the morning. They drop by Grandma Jean's before leaving town.

They're both rich in vintage clothing and would like to never see another can of corned beef hash ever again. We're almost at the end of our story. How are you feeling?

I am feeling good for them that they are on the precipice of leaving. I'm feeling nervous for them. I'm also feeling a strange sense of regret that I don't get to know all of the details of what happens in this mysterious Steve show. Because that is just a hole that I would like to know all the details. Even though I'm not sure I would want to see the abs. Yeah, someone needs to illegally livestream the show. But I think he might have them in

Imprisoned for life. It's true. Mal and Nicole breathe a sigh of relief as soon as they're past the city limits of Tumbleweed Springs. About 40 minutes out, they even relax enough to put on rumors, even though Indigo low-key had strong wannabe Stevie Nicks vibes. They're about two hours out of town when a police car appears behind them.

And it just stays behind them, not passing them. They're on an empty little two-lane highway, no buildings or houses around for miles. They left early enough that the sun is just now peeking over the horizon, so it's still a little dark. Nicole, who's driving, instinctively puts her hands at 10 and 2. Madeline turns down, go your own way. Yeah.

After a few miles of this, the cop car turns its lights on and signals for them to pull over. Nicole and Madeline look at each other, panic on both of their faces. They are both absolutely bricking it because they're absolutely certain that this is mysterious thieves doing. This is insane. They pull over and the officer approaches the car.

Madeline and Nicole can't tell what the officer looks like because they're wearing like a 10-gallon hat and aviator shades. It could be a man or a woman. It could be Indigo or Steve or Matt. What do you do? Oh. Oh, gosh. I don't know. I don't know. I think I just...

Freeze. And do whatever they tell me for the next 10 minutes. And then maybe and then I definitely pull out my phone to record. Smart. For a thousand reasons. One, if it's this magician, great story. Also, a sense of fear and danger. So the officer approaches their car, motions for them to roll their window down.

Before she can even ask for license and registration, Nicole and Madeline just break. They're like, we're innocent. We swear. They're like, don't believe the magician.

The officer takes off her sunglasses, which is when Nicole and Madeline finally realize that this is a complete stranger. It doesn't make them feel much less panicked, though. Who knows how many allies Mysterious Steve has? The officer's like, I'm going to need both of you to step out the car. You've just raised some red flags for me. Madeline briefly wonders if it's a crime to shit your pants in the presence of an officer. Yes.

Once both Nicole and Madeline are out of the car, the officer's like, do you know why I pulled you over? And they both shake their heads. And the officer's like, well, your brake lights have been on for the past four miles, but now I need both of you to take a breathalyzer. Okay.

Nicole and Madeline look at each other and they're like, break light? The officer makes them do a bunch of sobriety tests, like walking in a straight line and standing on one leg because this officer's like a magician. Nicole almost fails the sobriety test because she has a comically bad sense of balance. I feel that. Yes.

But the officer ends up letting them go with the warning to get their brake lights checked. And that's pretty much the end of our story. How are you feeling? Will you ever leave a one-star review ever again? Oh, no. He's bullied me out of it, even though he didn't bully me. I am scared for Tom

Tumbo Springs. I am enraptured by what might be in this magic show. Also, I just can't help think I feel like deserts come with a big cult vibe. Yeah, real. So I'm just like, I just who knows how deep this goes. Oh,

All the stickers are actually signs of being a member of the cult. We do have two postscripts. Oh, yes. So, a few days after Madeline and Nicole get home, Grandma Jean calls Nicole and she's like, Sweetie, is something up with your phone? The movers I hired to bring my love seat over said that they couldn't get in contact with you. They kept calling you while you were here, but you just weren't picking up. Oh, okay. Yeah.

And then our second postscript is that every so often when Madeline and Nicole get together, they check on Mysterious Steve's Facebook page to see if anyone had a similar experience. Which is how they notice that Mysterious Steve keeps editing his public response to their one-star review. The most recent change began with, we have never once kicked ass.

Anyone out for bringing their own water bottles. We love the environment. Okay. Blatant lie, but okay. And it ended with, maybe unlearn your bias towards Indigenous people. It's very racist. For the 118th Cherokee. Okay.

That's our story, Alana. Oh, my God. Oh, I'm going to be thinking about Mysterious Steve. And his long ponytail. And his long, probably greasy and dry ponytail. Somehow at the same time. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you so much for going on this journey with me. I had the time of my life and also was genuinely scared at moments. That's the normal gossip promise.

Thank you for listening to Normal Gossip. If you have a gossip story to share with us, email us at normalgossip at defector.com or you can leave us a voicemail at 2679-GOSSIP. If you love this podcast and want to support us, become a friend or

or friend of a friend at supportnormalgossip.com. You can follow the show on Instagram and TikTok at normal gossip. You can follow me on all social media at heydenae, H-E-Y-Y-D-N-A-E. This podcast was produced by Sierra Spragley-Rix and Jay Tolviera. The co-creators and dowager queens of Normal Gossip are Alex Sujong Laughlin and Kelsey McKinney. Justin Ellis is Defectors Projects Editor. Jasper Wang and Sean Kuhn are Defectors Business Guys.

Alex Sujong Laughlin is Defector's supervising producer. Tom Leigh is our editor-in-chief. Dan McQuaid runs our merch store, which you can find at normalgossip.store. Tara Jacoby designed our show art. Thank you to Catherine Xu, Brandi Jensen, Louise Pays Pumark,

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