Best of 2024: Live
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Well, weren't expecting to see us, were you? We couldn't do the best of episodes and not include any of the 15 live episodes we put out this year. We took off menu on tour in 2023 and released all of the episodes for you to hear this year. The shows were largely absolute chaos. Congratulations on those live shows. Congratulations on the live shows to yourself. They really were live shows.

So, fucking hell. It's the end of the year, guys. Some guests were absolutely at it right from the get-go. Let's hear from Frankie Boyle, Jamelia, Amelia de Moldenberg and Sam Campbell. Are you a foodie, Frankie? Do you like food? I love food and I think about little else but food. Yes. But I wouldn't really call myself a foodie because I think to be a foodie you have to enjoy food.

finer delicacies. I have quite plain tastes. You know, I can't eat something like oysters, which is basically just licking cum off the back of a tortoise. You know, somehow that doesn't put me off oysters. If I went to a really fancy restaurant, if I went to like Noma in Copenhagen, like they're doing wild stuff and they brought me out a tortoise and they went, there's cum on the back of that. I'd go, yeah, give it a go.

You'd be like, there will be soon. I don't know why we've gone so low, Swerly. And I say we. Is it the tortoises come? Or has another animal... Tasted and sieged. It'd be very impressive if tortoises could come on their own back. It's also the texture of an oyster, isn't it? You don't...

Unless your favourite texture is a corpse is clitoris. But there are other foods I like. What a way to find out that's my favourite texture. That's probably the best way to find that out. We always start with still a sparkling water. Still a sparkling water, thank you. What, are you going to compare these two? LAUGHTER

are we really moving straight into still and sparkling water? Are you now just terrified and you're going to huckle me off? Huckle means to move someone. I do actually need to be told this. I have no idea what that means. There's sort of, like, there are some Scottish expressions that there aren't any real translation for. Like, someone being at it. Do you know what I mean? You can't really explain to an English person what that is without... Like, Captain Tom's family are at it. LAUGHTER

No idea. Obviously no Captain Thomas. Yeah, but you know his family are at it, right? I never knew his family were at it. Yeah. If they were on now, we'd huckle them off for sure. What are you doing, James? What are you doing? Yeah, sorry. Thank you. We do not want James here. We need the genie here. Everyone imagine. Imagine you're rubbing it. Welcome, Gimilia, to the Dream Festival. We've been spending you for some time. Thanks.

That's a big entrance to follow up. It was a bit rubbish for me because I could see him crouching down. Sorry. That didn't happen. That never happened. Jamila's lying. We've got a liar on the pod. It's a real shame. That would be a terrible genie. If you got a lamp and you opened it up and you could see him just in there like that, that would be less magical, wouldn't it? Yeah. That's quite demeaning for the poor genie, actually. That's why you should rub it first. LAUGHTER

Jamili just did a face that suggested what sort of podcast have I come on? The best podcast in the nation. Yeah. One off. Sorry. Sorry. We got slamiliad. We got jam slammed. Early doors. I didn't know we were jamming and slamming tonight.

Don't you apologise, Jamelia. That is the perfect response to that. Yeah, you got us, man. What are the other good podcasts? Have you got any favourites? I mean, we don't normally do shout-outs to other podcasts. LAUGHTER The only podcast I listen to is the Off Menu podcast. And judging by the chat we had before you came out here, you listened to it for the first time in the car on the way here. LAUGHTER

No, I said I was, like, doing research. I wanted to make sure. Because you usually have comedians on, so I was like, oh, what could be a funny answer to that? But now I'm just going to answer, honestly. You don't need to think of a funny answer. You've come straight out here and slammed us into hell. You've got this, Jamelia. Come on.

Also, you're a fan of our work in general, aren't you, Jamila? You saw us on TV. You were saying to us backstage, and then you said, actually, no, I'll save it for when we're on stage. But you were going to compliment us, I think. I feel like we're starting off on the wrong foot now. So basically what I told them in the dressing room was that I watched them on Haunted, and I was very annoyed. They weren't playing the game properly. They were messing about. That was Jamila's first words to us. Yeah.

I saw you on Celebrity Hunted and we were like, here we go. She went, I actually found you quite annoying. I really did. I was really excited. I asked her to do this. I was like, oh, that should be fun. Because you are funny and I like to laugh. What was it on... Sorry to dwell on this. What was it that we did on Celebrity Hunted that you found particularly annoying? We tried our best on that.

I just don't think you did. You just kept doing like silly things like letting everyone see where you were, telling people where you were. Like you're supposed to be hiding. It's like a hide and seek, but you were like, we're here. It's the last thing they'll expect. Yeah.

They're trying to catch you. If you keep saying, here we are, we're here, and showing them your face, they're going to go, it can't be that easy. And they leave you alone. That was our thinking. Yeah. And then you shot them with wee? No, no, I shot them with water, but I told them it was piss. Oh, OK. LAUGHTER

More mind games, Jamila. You've got to do this when you're on the run. OK. And what we found is the best way to live your life is to anger ex-cops and military men by telling them that you're spraying them with piss. Because then they really rough you up quite a lot. So you don't even get the pleasure of actually shooting them with piss and you still get beaten up. Oh, no. Yeah, they didn't like us at all when we did that to them, to be fair. No. But in general, I thought we did really well on Hunted. OK. We were in Birmingham for Hunted.

We came straight to them. Came straight here. Yeah. Straight here. Yes, because I remember I recognised where you were. Yeah. In that town. Yeah, maybe that's not good if people don't recognise where we are. Hearing that out loud. We came and we instantly got Tiger Bites pig bowel buns when we came here on the run. That wasn't our first food on the run. We immediately went to a Michelin-starred restaurant and had a... LAUGHTER

That was in Shrewsbury. We did quite a lot before Tug of War. Yes. Again, we're not there now. And then we went to Birmingham. You threw your shoes out the window on the way there. I had to give you a piggyback through some of Birmingham streets because it was covered in glass and needles. Was that Broad Street? Yeah. And then James bought a wig.

Bright pink wig. Yeah. Yeah, which, bear in mind, Amelia, I don't normally have bright pink hair. LAUGHTER Can you see why I was annoyed? LAUGHTER

What would you do if you were on the run and you were being hunted? What would be your first course of action, you reckon? Well, obviously, I wouldn't use any cards. I wouldn't use my social media. I wouldn't, like, turn up at a famous restaurant. Sorry, I'm not shading you, but, like, I just wouldn't do everything that you guys did. LAUGHTER

So we served a purpose, in a way. Yeah, I guess so. You a foodie? Are you a foodie? Is this going well or really bad? I'm not sure. Every time you say anything, everyone pisses themselves laughing. So I think it's going well. And it's at our expense as well. So from our perspective, we feel like shit, but you're really bringing it.

I'm loving it, Jermaine. This is how most people treat me all the time. It feels great. I'm sorry, because I'm really excited to be here. We're very excited to have you here. Yes, we are very excited. Especially with this backdrop, it's wicked. The set's mad, isn't it? Yeah. It feels unnecessary. Once we sat down to have a chat with you, it just, yeah, it does not feel necessary at all, does it? What was the vibe that you told...

The designers? Yeah. Actually, here she comes again. Slam jam, baby. Slam jam. We basically said, just do as many fart clouds as possible. It's about food. I quite like it. There's a poppadom behind us, a poppadom there. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Were you wondering what that was? About half the audience went, oh. Jesus, how much of that cost, Benito? Sorry. Sorry.

I thought it was the moon, but okay. I think it's the moon, Matt. You guys know that that's a lamp, right? Because I did a whole thing with that a minute ago, and that's embarrassing if not. You're a foodie, Jamelia. I really am, like, in every way. Like, yeah, scarily so. No, not scarily so. Everybody likes food, don't they? Yeah, these people do, for sure. Well, you definitely do. You come to a podcast about food, like, come on.

Yeah, sorry, sorry. No, good on you. If you do get scared of food, you're in the wrong show, motherfuckers. I'm being really rude. I'm not a rude person at all. No, you're not. I know you didn't catch the entire first half, but I called one man a cunt three times. Oh, no! You're not being rude. Okay. You're all right. You're the height of manners compared to what they had to tolerate.

at the start of the evening. And you're right, these people love food. For example, there's a woman over there who regularly drinks soy sauce. Drinks? Yep. Swigs it out of the bottle while she's cooking to trick herself into thinking it's normal. It's not. You just got slumeliad.

Jam slammed. I'd commission this TV show. Yeah. There's an audience with Jamila, but she slams everyone. And then looks really guilty about it immediately afterwards. Yeah. Who's got a funny quirk? I think it's normal. It's not. Applause. I'm so sorry. Yeah.

I feel awful. I don't like slimy people. I'm trying to stop slamming people. Do you cook as well, Jamelia? I love cooking. I recently got to the final, well, final five, but it's still the final of MasterChef. I saw it. Yeah. I will mention that a few times. That's fine. I watch it. I actually found you quite annoying on that. Me too.

Now, this seems like a bit of a redundant question because obviously you work with food, but are you a foodie? What, because, oh, well... Well, we always ask people if they're foodies, but I feel like it's rude when someone does chicken shop dates and then I'm saying, are you a foodie? Well, it does make sense, you know, having a dating show in a chicken shop that I would be a really, really big foodie. And you did a cooking show as well, right? Oh, yeah, I did a cooking show, yeah, but I can't cook. I'm not a foodie, sorry. Okay.

Hey, don't say sorry. This is great. We've had loads of non-foodies on the podcast. Yeah, I'm not a foodie. I eat. I've eaten food, but I'm not a foodie. How often? Like three times a day. What about you? Yeah, three times a day. Yeah, yeah, cool. Yeah, yeah. Six, seven. Oh, whoa. Crazy. He's pretty crazy. Crazy guy. Yeah, I'm a crazy guy. I've got a real problem. When you met Ed, did you think he was crazy? Yeah. Yeah.

That guy is crazy. Cool tattoos. Thank you very much, Amelia. Okay. Would you like me to take you through them? No. Okay. Absolutely fair enough. Yeah. If you had to get an item of food tattooed on you... No, I don't want to. I'm tattoo-less. If you had to... No. No? No. If you just for the sake of improv... No. You...

A big tub of ice cream, probably. Oh, dear. Yeah, I'd have a big tub of ice cream. Where? On your... Just a full body tap for my waist. Your waist?

Just here. You won't be able to see it if I was wearing a top. It'd be a surprise. Wow. Do you have a girlfriend right now? I did have going into this podcast. Yeah, I was going to say, not for long. But I've since made fun of her accent many times on stage and just suddenly get a full body tap of a tub of ice cream. What flavour would you get? I guess I would maybe just want the ice cream tub to say my name on it.

Okay. In case you forget your name. You're just James Acaster on the tip of ice cream, yeah. Tasty. Yeah. What are you on about? Well, I want it to be personalised, so I think I would have it like it's a big tip of ice cream and there's a spoon in it and stuff. With a spoon in it? There's a spoon, like the lid's off. It's dangerous. The lid's off, there's a spoon coming out, probably ends up my armpit, the spoon coming out of the thing. And then it's like a Ben and Jerry's, but instead of Ben and Jerry's and what flavour, it just says James Acaster. Ha ha!

Nice. Is that the flavour as well, or does it just say James? I feel like we're going too far into detail here with this, Amelia. No, I don't think we are. I think we should carry on. Is there a flavour on it, or instead of Ben and Jerry's, does it say James Acaster? No, it tastes like James. It tastes like... Yes, it's James David. Oh, so do you think James has put James Acaster on it so when people lick his body, it's like they're eating an ice cream, that there's a flavour of him? Yes. OK. James? Yes. LAUGHTER

Without further ado, this is the off-menu menu of Sam Campbell! Welcome, Sam. Thanks so much. Sorry, can I just say, on behalf of all of us, on behalf of the city of Nottingham, and on behalf of the entire Midlands region, thank you so much for a delicious and spellbinding evening. Take a seat, please, Sam. Sorry, can I just say...

I mean, this means a lot to me. I've been a casualty of the loneliness epidemic. I've faced a lot of obstacles, you know. I'll tell you what, the man upstairs really knows how to throw a curveball. But I was never truly alone.

Because every Wednesday, my body is filled with a warmth that enters through my ears in the form of the most amazing podcast. I've been to so many places with so many incredible people. I've smiled with excitement as Scroobius Pip describes his crazy pizza. I've... I've trembled with delight as...

As Claudia Winkleman describes her most perfect tuna melt. I've gasped as the magician Dynamo talks about his corned beef hash. I was never alone because I was with you guys. You've gotten me through so many storms. Thank you, Sam. Thank you, Sam. Now, just like the regular episodes, the live shows were full of great foodie chat and some...

not-so-delicious descriptions of food. Here's Ellis James, John Robbins, Susan McCymer, Ian Sterling, Amelia de Moldenberg, Frankie Boyle and Joe Wilkinson. I think the enthusiasm can occasionally be quite irritating. Because I remember in the first couple of weeks of lockdown, Izzy was... she was down, she was anxious, she was pissed off, especially in the morning. His wife. And after about... Yeah. Yeah. And after about 14 days...

I thought, I need to broach this. I was like, what is it? Is it what's happening to our careers? Is it the fact there's a global pandemic and we don't know what's causing this thing? And she went, no, no, it's not that. It's when you eat Weetabix, you don't realise you do it, do you? And I said, what do you mean? She went, you don't know you do this thing. And I said, what? She went, when you eat Weetabix, with every fucking mouthful, you say, mm, yeah. LAUGHTER

The fact that it's fucking Weetabix as well. So it's like... Mmm, yeah. What do you have on your Weetabix? Plain. Plain. Just with milk. So I'm trying to cut down on sugar. But I really, I've switched over to porridge now. And what do you say when you're eating porridge? Yabba dabba doo. LAUGHTER

No, but sometimes at night, I will think to myself, less than eight hours to go. Then it's porridge time. I bloody love it. She used to say as well, and when you pour squash into a pint glass, you sort of go... Because you can't wait. And you don't seem to be bothered by this pandemic, but I am. Because for you, it's just more Weetabix and squash time. LAUGHTER

The little detail in that story that after two weeks you asked your wife what was wrong. All right, what is it? The global pandemic, is it, I suppose? Because I just thought it was general worry about the pandemic, but it was that very specific thing. And then... You're still not understanding what I'm saying. No, no.

I'm saying it's mad to leave it two weeks before you checked in for your partner's okay and what's wrong with her. You go, no, you don't understand. I thought it was general worry. So I left it. Unchecked. Yeah, we were talking about general worries a lot, but that wasn't the headline. The headline act...

Was me going, "Mmm yeah, every time I eat Weetabix." But the fact is, if you've said, "Mmm yeah," every time you have a mouthful of Weetabix for as long as you've lived, it's a really hard habit to get out of. For as long as you've lived? Yeah. Were you aware that you did it before it was pointed out to you? No. So then, next morning, having had the chat, I've got the spoon, I was fucking trembling, I was like, "I can't say it, man."

You can't say it, she's gonna lose her fucking mind if you say it. No matter how much you're enjoying the Sweetabix, you've got to pretend it's a normal cereal, man. She is on the edge. So then I'd have a mouthful and I'd be like, oh. Pretend it's a normal cereal. Yeah, not a fancy, tasty one like Sweetabix. Pretend this is just a normal, boring cereal. Just a normal, boring cereal. And I like them all.

Weetabix, at the time... Is that at the top for you, Weetabix? No, I would say historically Special K. What? How do you think I'm bikini beach body ready yet? It's just bowl after bowl of Special K. And, um, I mean, a long time ago, Coco Pops. Hmm.

But Coco Pops, sugar's had a bad press over the last sort of 60 years, so I've kind of... I've tried to quite radically change the way I eat over the last... But you had a lot of Coco Pops back in the day. Back in the... Oh, I mean, up to about... Up to about the sort of end of Britpop. LAUGHTER

Cocoa Brit Pops. Famously. Sorry, I'm sick. Why are you sat like that? No, no, keep sitting like that. It's fine. It's nice. I like it. It's good stuff. I'm just having a really good time. It's like we're on T4.

Would you ever have bran flakes with Baileys? A big fan of bran flakes. Yeah, of course. With Baileys. Yeah, yeah, someone here, that's what the dream meal is. No, I used to eat, over the summer holidays, bran flakes, Weetabix, all bran and Cocoa Pops in the same bowl. All in the same bowl? All in the same bowl. Did you have a name for that cereal? Yeah, Cereal Time. LAUGHTER

All brand Weetabix and bran flakes, you say? And coca pops. Oh, coca pops. So that's like the fun. I used to do it with my cousin. And then... Good to know what clips we're going to get out for the trailer of this episode. I've thought a lot about my choices and I've realised how much the way I eat has changed. Because I don't want to... It's no disrespect to my mother, but we used to have the same...

on every night. There was a rota, like a seven-day rota. I remember this. I remember you had a routine about it. Yes. And if you are going to list the foods that you had, then I would like you to do it in the way that you did it in the routine years ago, which was you did it like a Top of the Pops rundown. Yes. Yes, I'd forgotten about that. Monday night chicken tonight. Yeah, but this isn't how you did it, is it? No.

You went... Friday night. That's the way you did it. I feel like chicken tonight. Well, you're lucky because you're having it tonight. It's Monday night and it's always chicken tonight. Yeah. Thursday night was pizza because my mother had aerobics. So you needed something quick. Friday night, obviously, fish. And so when I went to university, I was exposed to new tastes.

Take us, what was the first new taste you were exposed to at university? Black pepper. Wowee. Where were you going to university? Delhi? This is incredible. I lived with a girl called Caroline who'd been privately educated. And she was a really good cook. She used to like to cook. And I lived with her, lovely girl, I lived with her in the second and third year and her boyfriend Chris. And she used to love to cook. She introduced me to risotto.

That was great. She also introduced me to coriander. Wow. Yeah. She made a carrot and coriander soup, and I was so overwhelmed by it that at the end of the bowl, I kissed her on the cheek. And said, thank you. What the fuck was that? She was like, it's carrot and coriander soup, that is. And I was like, well, now I'm going to eat it every day for the rest of my life. The next one, I think I'm going to...

There's the cheese course. This is just very quick. Yeah, yeah cheese course. No Yeah, it's good news and cheese course is good news That means that the dessert is a proper dessert and we're not skipping it if anything on pro cheese course so that I know what's just a girl So the cheese course is very simply the cheese which is a cheese and

It was known as, in my family, known as the cheese. And my stepdad, whenever he went down to Somerset, because he loved Somerset, so he'd go down to Somerset, quite a lot of work down there, he would bring back the cheese, which is a big wheel of cheddar in black wax from a company. It's the Maryland Farm Mature Cheddar Cheese Company.

And anyone who tasted this cheese said, you've got to sort me out with some of this cheese. This is insane. I thought I knew cheddar. Yeah. Everyone would say this, right? Honestly. Word for word, everyone would say this. Everyone would say word for word. I thought I knew cheddar. Yeah. And then they'd leave it there? They'd say, I thought I knew cheddar until I tasted the cheese. So then... Wipe that on a T-shirt? Yeah.

Then when the next time my stepdad went down to Somerset, I'd have to say, can you sort my friend Sam's mum out with some of your cheese? Awful sentence out of context. So he'd be like, well, I don't know what it's like 15 quid for enormous, like four kilos of cheese. And he'd say, well, yeah, well, yeah, they can pay me back or whatever. I'll bring it up. Before you know it, he's bringing back quite a lot of cheese from Somerset into Somerset.

you know, Avon and North Somerset. Across the border. Well, yeah. It becomes a county lines drug operation. But I mean, I'm not kidding. He would come back with like four wheels of this cheese. One for me, one for my friend Sam, one for my friend Sam's mum, one for, you know, someone else. Fucking Sam can't share one with his mum. What's going on?

Were they a broken home as well? No. Once you start eating this cheese, you just eat a whole wheel of cheese. It's mad. It's mad. And I would go round. I'd go from mine where we'd be eating the cheese. I'd go round to Sam's house. They'd be sat in their kitchen just cutting off slices of cheese, eating this cheese. It's so creamy. It's so tangy. Do people not usually talk this long about their choices? LAUGHTER

They do. No, Joe, what? I love it. I want to try the cheese. To be fair, you're doing absolutely nothing wrong if this was a studio-recorded episode. It's set on the thing an hour and a half. Really? Yeah. Well, then, you were in the right. And I don't know how I'm getting back to London today. Do you want anything with the cheese? A taxi for James. My drink of choice is a Craig David beer.

Okay. Now, again, I don't think you're using that phrase right. That is a UK garage singer. Yeah, there's a drink called... Who knows what a Craig David is? Go away. It's a real drink. Right, so what it is... Was it the same guy who taught you that one? No, this was me. And this is my favourite late night drink, Susan. You take Robinson's orange juice...

And you top it up with cold water. I'm trying to get this thing. Mama, I'm making a Craig David. Craig David while you're making the manchurly. Can't you? Fucking hell. So the Craig David. Tell me what's the flavour. He did it. He did it. Amazing. Best in the biz.

What would you deep fry? Which chocolate bar are you deep frying? Out of any chocolate bar. Oh, it's a question for me. Thank you, Ed. I'll move on to Ian. Don't worry. I'm giving him time. I guess if I was to fry any chocolate bar... Oh, my God. Asking him first. This is really hard. If you want, for structural integrity. I've seen them all fried. What do you mean you've seen them all fried? Pretty much I've seen them all fried. But what do you mean you haven't? When have you seen them all fried? Well, like, you've been in Edinburgh long enough. You've seen enough...

People ordering, because like tourists do it and then you think, oh, I'm not going to do that, it's for tourists, and then you get drunk and you've got a Twix in your hand and you think, why not? Can you demonstrate a tourist asking for a Twix? Good evening to you. Hang on. My great-grandpappy visited these fairs many moons ago and he always wanted a nice piece of chips.

Piece of chips? Piece of chips with a deep fried Twix. He was corking out those ways. So can I please, young man, sir, have my Twix deep fried? No pun intended. Mama. Happy birthday. Twix for you.

Yep, one thing worse than no round of applause is someone trying and 3,000 people going, absolutely not. No, that's not it. I just wanted to hear more from the character. Not today. Best for structural integrity, double decker. Yeah? Honestly, once it's been fried, you bite into it, it's like nothing happens to it. Oh, yes, please. It's just in there like, and what? I'm not sure that's it. LAUGHTER

Order us one of them. Order us deep fried double decker. That's what I want. I don't want no deep fried Mars bar. See, the Mars bar's inside like... Yeah. If that's going to scorch my mouth, that's not what my great-grandpappy died for. I'd rather have a deep fried double decker, please. Double decker, Snickers, I think we'll all agree. Cream egg? Cream eggs, but again, I mean, that is a daredevil spore. LAUGHTER

I'd rather skydive than eat a bear. I love that, like, when you had gazpacho, you didn't know it was meant to be cold, but you are a connoisseur when it comes to deep-fried chocolate. Throwing out terms like structural integrity. Every single chocolate. You can throw any chocolate bar in. Well, you're playing with fire there. Huh? Top 15 deep-fried chocolates for me and Sterling.

This audience just heads up, they love top 15s. Yeah, they love top 15s. From about 14 to 2, it's really going to feel like they don't love it, but they're with you. I mean, it's up to you if you want to accept it or not. Considering earlier on, I forgot the word for wet wipe, I think 15 chocolate bars is a stretch. Yeah. Cream egg would be 15. Worst. Bounty, 14.

Okay, we're doing it. And we're away. You can't not do it now. You can't go into 14 and then not finish it. Well, Maltesers would be fun, but 13. That would be fun. It's one of those fun ideas. They would dissolve in the fat, wouldn't they, if you think about it? Give me the thick batter. Yeah, it would just be more batter than anything else. The 13, 12, Milky Bar, 13.

Yeah, that's too soft. You're not getting any of the... Yeah, you're right. There's a lull in there. Yeah, but... But I'm saying you've got to hold strong because what they're actually doing is they are fascinated into silence. They're fascinated. They're compiling their top 15s in their head. I've never been anywhere before where top 15s is even a thing. Yeah. Why not a top 10? But in Glasgow... Yeah.

They're obsessed with top 15s, not top 5s or top 10s like most people. Top 15s. It's got to be top 15s. Yeah. Top 15s.

Where am I? You've done four. You've done 11 dairy milk, 10 fruit and nut. Okay. Well, that's interesting because you said the nuts... That has caused... The nuts in Snickers help with structural integrity. That's why it's above. The fruit and nut, what's that now? What number is that? Fruit and nuts, 10. Above the dairy milk because it's got no structural integrity. Fruit and nuts, 10. Yeah, but that's quite low down for something with nuts, which, as we know, provides structural integrity. LAUGHTER

But we're nowhere near the new garbage snacks, yeah. Yeah. Can I say as well... We are, mate. What's the Milky Way? We're commenting a lot on audience reaction, but I would happily have this conversation to silence and carry on, because it is so up my street. Do you know that... Yeah, so we're in the top ten now. We're in. We're in. This is great. So number nine. Oh, my God. A dine bar? That would be a sip once it was finished. LAUGHTER

Look, man, you put your head in the dragon's mouth. You took your life into your own hands there. We can't do anything for you. Do you think a dime bar would melt? That would be a soup with just some caramelly croutons. But that's rock hard in the middle. You're talking about structural integrity. That is like a fucking iron bar. That is incredible. Iron brew bar, number nine. That is not chocolate, Ian. It's whatever you want. It's not legal, is it? Eight. Eight.

Chocolate orange, who said that? Right, we might have a spoiler for the top five. Chocolate orange? Deep fried chocolate orange. Yeah. Just ate like a Viking. Oh, so you're not going individual segments battered, you're doing the whole thing battered. No, the whole thing. I dip my hand in like that. Fingers fried. Worth it. Yeah. Worth it.

I might lose a hand, but it's in the name of science. Yeah. Good on you, man. Your mate from the Edamame Beans eating a chocolate orange with the foil still on. So, where are we in the list now? Seven now. Seven now. Seven. Starbar. Starbar. Starbar seven. That was suggested, but that was always going to be seven. I like how, as we get closer to the top five and we're running out of things, you're shouting out more because you're so anxious that your favourites isn't going to be in the list. Yeah.

Please. Six, bounty. Oh, I thought bounty was... Ian. Bounty, but the celebration's bounty, which tastes better than bounty. Interesting. Man, I've never been so glad to have done a top 15 in my life. This is controversial stuff. This might genuinely be the most stressed on stage I've ever been in my life. Yeah. Yeah, man. Five, boost. Boost? Yeah.

Boost number five. Ian, what is interesting about this top 15, and I've seen a lot of top 15s, is you're running through the list as if you've got it pre-planned in your head. I've got the top three. Hang on. Every time you say a number, the first thing that someone else shouts, that's what you say. Number five, boost, boost. That's not true. Number four, what he said. Oh, my God. Fucking...

There should be a law passed that that can only be said in a Scottish accent. That was... I got a boner when I heard that. That was incredible. Absolutely. A curly-whirly boner at that. Amazing. Yeah. I've never heard that said in a Scottish accent before. It was incredible. Curly-whirly. It was... The way he said it, I imagined his eyes literally rolling around in his head. It was...

Perfect. So look, he just woke up. Yeah. And then went back. You know what? There's a chocolate bar that I can't believe hasn't been said yet. And if it isn't said... This is why, that's what I was hoping would be brought up. The Kit Kat Chunky. The Kit Kat Chunky. Well, we've got... Spoiler alert. Uh-oh. Four. Oh, there we go. Now, is it a spoiler alert, Ian, or have you just remembered? Currently, weren't they? Three Twix...

Two Snickers, one Kit Kat Chunky. Whoa, what happened to the double decker? No double decker. No double decker mentioned. No Mars. Mars didn't even make the top 15. You said we haven't even got to the Nougat base bars yet. None of them made it into the top 10. The best one. You'd already named. LAUGHTER

Your best one before that. So I was like, well, at least he's got his number one locked in. Yeah, chocolate orange never came up again either. Yeah, spoiler for the top five. Shouldn't have thought so, forgot about it. As soon as someone shouted out Curly Whirly. I've never been made to feel a fool about a thing that's not known a thing that's not a thing. Yeah. Your dream side dish, Amelia? Oh, my dream side dish is chicken nuggets. Yes!

You seem so tired of having to say that. No, no, because I thought it was a bit obvious, but it is my side dish. It genuinely is. Yeah, just for no reason in particular. Okay. But you do genuinely love it? I love chicken nuggets. Yeah, I love chicken nuggets. I eat them all the time, on chicken shop day, off chicken shop day. I don't really like chicken on the bone. Me neither. Yeah, don't like it at all. He had to go at me for it. Yeah, you guys need to fucking suck it up.

I just don't like the consistency. I think it's... I much prefer a boneless or a breast nugget situation. Don't like a leg, don't like a thigh. What else do you have? Wings. No. No. Is it because... Is it a genuinely consistency thing or is it weird for you to have the bone in there because then you think of it being an animal? Oh, no, that doesn't mind that. I don't like... It's a bit slimy.

I mean, what about boneless thighs? I think that's probably the best cut. The thighs are the best. Aren't all thighs bone? Is there bone in... Oh, yeah. LAUGHTER Yeah, just checking. Is there bone in there? Yes. I'm suddenly very pro-mansplaining. LAUGHTER

Just checking that. If you didn't have a bone in your thigh, when you get up at the end of the podcast, you'd fall straight on the floor. Oh, gosh. Yes, chicken nuggets. Chicken nuggets. From a particular place? Is it a Maccy D's chicken nugget? I think Morley's has the best chicken nuggets. And if also McDonald's do have really good nuggets as well. How many nugs are you getting from McDonald's if you're going? You can get 24 nugs, can't you? Oh, I wouldn't get 24. I'd get six. Six nugs. But sometimes I get Happy Meal, so I get four.

Yeah. Ripple went across the crowd there. Yeah, they weren't sure about that. Oh, really? Does four just come with a Happy Meal? I think four is a Happy Meal, yeah. Yeah? Yeah. How often are you getting a Happy Meal? I probably normally get a Happy Meal if I go to McDonald's. Yeah. What are you getting with the toy? Oh, just keep them at home. In my toy drawer. And a fruit shoot.

So you get a fruit shoot in the happy meal. You can choose fruit shoot, yeah. You can choose, okay. What else do you get in the happy meal? Chips. I will just say this, I haven't had a happy meal since I was seven, so. Oh, sucks to be you. Yeah, you know, McDonald's apparently are the largest toy distributors in the world. Sorry, we should have explained grimaces in the crowd tonight. Yes. Yes. That's someone who's recently told a friend that and been told they're full of shit. Yeah.

Yes, thank you. I was actually thinking recently, like, what did... In these situations, like, when you say a fact and then your friend's like, no, that's not true, before people had Google and could, like, look on their phone, like, what happened? Do you think... We can actually tell you. Sorry to say that we do remember those times. Oh, yeah. It just meant that the whole night was one discussion. And you spent the whole night just going like...

oh there was a thing what was the thing you know the thing I'm talking about and you were all there and you were just all going insane collectively and then you'd have to it would go on for ages it would go on beyond that one night you'd see someone the next day you'd go do you know Amelia said that McDonald's are the biggest toy distributors in the world and they'd go oh I think I heard that somewhere did you where did you heard it oh I can't remember now

And then you just never know. Yeah. And then eventually we got the internet and we could all just, like... When we originally got the internet, all of us spent a week just getting up to speed. Yeah, yeah. And imagine this. Like, you'd have to go to the toilet and just go to the toilet. Do you... I don't Google on the toilet. You don't Google on the toilet? No. You're not on your phone on the toilet? No. You're not on your phone? No. You're not YouTubing? No. What are you doing? I'm just going on the toilet. Really? Yeah. I don't think...

Really? So you were sat there on your phone? Watching YouTube on the toilet, yeah. Oh, really? Yeah, like, the other day, I had to, like, consciously decide I'm going to leave my phone in the living room. Really? I'm going to go for a shit. Yeah. And, like, it was, like, the first time I'd, like, had a shit for ages. Like, I'd done a lot of shits, but I hadn't had a shit. Oh, wow.

Yeah. Wow. I really felt like this was mine. You experienced it. Yeah. Yeah. I was present for it. Well, I need my phone on the toilet because every time me and Nish have a shit, we text each other about it. Which is really weird because they're back to back. LAUGHTER

We had to have a specially built toilet. What, do you text like, I'm having a shit? Yeah, like, normally if Nish does a really bad one, depending where he is, say he was at the Manchester O2 Apollo, he'd text me and I'd know he'd had a shit because he'd say, so sorry Manchester O2 Apollo.

That's like the code. Yes. For I've had a shit. So your chat history is just, I've shit, shit, shit. Yeah, yeah. I've had a shit, yeah. Cool. Two days ago, I rang Nish, and he answered by going, gonna level with you, Jimmy, I'm having a shit. I'm like, don't answer the phone, man. Just don't answer it. Just ring me back when you're not shitting. How's that for an idea? Main course, Frankie. No, I was very torn here.

I love chicken and I think it has psychological roots, right? In that when you were a kid, like your dad always got the big bit of chicken, leg of chicken, and you got some fucking scraggy bits of chicken. And as a kid, I often thought to myself, when I'm an adult, I will eat chicken every day. And I've lived up to that dream. LAUGHTER

It's rarely... I mean, chicken, we all love it. I love to get it in a Vietnamese place in Glasgow. They do a caramelised ginger chicken that I really like. OK, a chicken has to die, but it's just a fucking chicken. Yeah, yeah. And I'm very tempted to see chicken or, like, a really good fried chicken or something like that. But...

I want to be honest and say what my actual dream meal would be. I'd like to eat all of the icing off a wedding cake. Frankie. Main course. Main course. Last night, last night we had Ian fucking Sterling on. He chose a cheese board as his dessert. Oh, God. Oh, God.

I cried myself to sleep. You have no idea how good this feels right now. To hear that you want to eat all the icing off a wedding cake as your main course. Surely in Scotland, if you ordered the cheese board, they'd be blowing fucking dust off it before they handed it to you. Yeah, well, that's what you get if you invite on a prick.

Your dream main course, Joe. What's following up this quite confusing prawn cocktail? Chicken keg of chips and peas. LAUGHTER I knew as soon as he ended. A lot of people... It's been a while. I think this might be the first time on the podcast we've had a meal that is exclusively eaten on your lap. LAUGHTER

That's if I'm getting the hose through the window. Chicken Kiev, chips and peas. Yeah. Now, I'm going to take a wild swing that you're not paying for this either, Joe. Well, we're not eating in a restaurant, no. Whose house is this at? Stephen's. Tell us about Stephen. Went to school with him, and he lives opposite his mum. The house opposite his mum. Yeah, I know.

Do you know why he's at my house, actually? Can't be looking at his mum's house. Do you want to hear more about Stephen? Yeah, so it's probably from Waitrose. Yeah? Because I haven't spent... You can't do that to him now. You go, ooh! After he's picked chicken, he'll have chips and peas.

Two. I'm having two Kievs. Respect. Yeah. It's the only way. It's the only way. Yeah, people are leaving. I'm that controversial. All right, I'll have one. There's a double Kiev that pushed him over the edge. He's actually coming. This arsehole. Some people can't handle the truth. Yeah. Gone. Gone forever. You know what I mean? I'm going to eat all of it, mate. They just looked. When does Waitrose shut? Yeah. Oh, fuck.

He did have the pace of someone who was rushing to buy a key Oh get us one way there so double double Kiev. Yeah, two cares all them. Oh What's in cuz I obviously can get different chicken Kiev sometimes like yeah. Yes Also, you can't get different types, okay

No, that's the chicken kev is garlic butter, right? Yeah. I've just seen them get called chicken kevs, but have other stuff in them before. Like what? They've got what? Stuffing in them. Other stuff in there. Oh, other stuff. They chuck some ham in there or whatever. No, no. Chicken cordon bleu with ham and... It's amazing what they'll turn on, isn't it? I don't know what they've turned. It's the biggest faux pas I've ever made on the talk. Yeah. I'm absolutely with them. How much garlic butter do you want in there? It doesn't matter. It'll all seep out while it cooks.

It'll all be coating the bottom. Yeah. And when you cut into it, it's completely hollow. Perfect. I've forgotten it's in there, so it's slightly too cooked. Slightly too brown. So you're making this at home, that's your dream? Yeah, yeah. Well, then I don't have to go out. Yeah. Yeah.

So all the garlic butter's, like, just on the baking tray or whatever? Yeah, yeah, but then you pour the butter back over the kears, and you tell the other person you put the equal amount on both. Are you also, though, whenever I've made this dish, I'll also pour the garlic butter over the peas at least, most likely also the chips, and just, like, get a little bit of... Yeah, yeah, you can do that. ...going on everywhere.

Do you? You're wrong. But it should be soaking into the crust of the Kiev. But, yeah. I do like the hollowness of it as well. You like the hollowness? Yeah. So you don't want... So it would be awful for you if you got the Kiev out of the oven and none of the butter had escaped, that it's all in there. Well, I'd cut the side and put it back in.

You'd breach the kebab. Needs to all be in the pan. Also, if you're making this yourself, are you gobbling beetroot the whole time? Is there some beetroot being eaten the whole time you're making this? I've got beetroot in the house at the moment, actually.

I've got three. It's a bit of a bugbear for Petra. Sorry, Petra. But I usually have about... Okay, it's not even my other half anymore. Just the first name. Petra, she's there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There'll be about four or five half-empty jars in the fridge. And I'll... We'll be in Sainsbury's and I'll pop another one in the basket. That'll be an awkward drive home. LAUGHTER Are you going to put them all in one jar? Nope. LAUGHTER

Are you getting through them eventually, or is there just a constant cycle of... No, there's... Well, there's that awkward moment where you pour it in the sink, and there's a few loose ones in the bottom, and you think, why not? That'd be the worst one to choke on, a sink one. Yeah, yeah. Oh, it tastes like toothpaste. Hold on, hold on. LAUGHTER

I eat them over the bathroom sink. That's where you pour them out as well, when the jars are done. You go up to the bathroom. I go up to the bathroom, check that no one's in there. And then I go, and if there is, I go, do you mind if I quickly eat some beetroot? Someone just shouted out the worst pun I've ever heard. What was it? He said, beetroot yourself. I wish there was a way of deleting that.

Oh, edits it out. The issue with beetroot for me is if I eat beetroot, and I know you're the same, I tend to set an alarm on my phone to remind me in a few hours' time that I've eaten beetroot so that when I go for a proper toilet, I don't worry that I've got bowel cancer. But I... Yeah, how do you celebrate a beetroot shit? That's not the response I was expecting to that. But you go, fucking up, I eat beetroot. LAUGHTER

Shall we go on a bike ride? But what I'm worried about with you, Joe, if you're eating beetroot constantly... Just don't ever look behind you. But I'm just worried you're never going to spot the signs if there's something genuinely wrong. Oh, yeah. I'll take a week off. Can't say forever than that. What were we talking about? You said Waitrose for your chicken keg. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I will have Sainsbury's. Actually, Sainsbury's is cheap. Because if you...

If you cook... Little tip. If you overcook a chicken Kiev by about 15 minutes, they all taste the same. So you'd like it overcooked? Yeah. But then if you buy a cheap one, you go, because it's burnt, it tastes the same as a... So I don't understand. This feels like a false economy joke because you don't have to overcook them. What do you mean? You buy a nice one and cook it right, then it's more delicious than a cheaper one cooked right.

So why don't you just do that rather than... Why are you overcooking all of them to make them taste the same? Because I'm in the middle of a box set. What's the box set? Well, I'll be honest, I love an ITV drama. I never bother learning the names of them. It's a detective in a town up north. That's all I know.

And it's very well cast. Yeah. So you're getting into that. Yeah, and I forget I'm cooking it. Do you not set an alarm for when the Kiev's ready? What alarm? An oven alarm or a phone alarm or something to remind you? Two good answers, to be fair. To be fair, two good answers. He's got me there. Would you like to be in an ITV drama one day, Joe? Do you think you would be good in one of those shows?

No, because I love them too much, so I don't want to go, fuck, I know it's me. I'm not saying you would watch it and forget you were in it, and then be taken out of the... Maybe, it'd be good if you could get in one, right, even if it's just a walk-on part, and then at some point go, do you mind if I do a bit of improv? Look down the camera and go, Joe, you've got a Kiev in the oven. LAUGHTER

Oh.

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Tap or visit SempericaTrio.com to learn more. Now, we've had plenty of food talk on the podcast, but not much cutlery chat. Ardlo Hanlon changed that. Wow. What a link. What a link, this guy. I mean, it is a nice bit of cutlery chat, to be fair. But I don't care about water. I mean, I know it's got its uses and stuff like that, you know, irrigation and that sort of shit. But, uh...

I don't really care about it. What I am really interested in is... Well, the temperature is important. Yeah. But more importantly is the glass. So, like...

I'm really interested in the heft of a glass, that kind of thing. That would be more important than the actual liquid in the glass. That's too thin. This is a thin can of water, for those listening, that I'm holding in my good hand. Be careful with the mic in that case. And it's too thin, so there's no pleasure to be had in holding this can.

You know, the temperature is fine. I've heard that before. Yeah. So, like, that would... If I held that can for any length of time, I would probably get, like, tennis elbow or something. Yeah. Because you're using extra muscles to get a good grip on it. Sure. So you want something with a bit of weight when you pick it up? Weight is important, yes. Good point. Yeah.

And heft. I don't know if heft is the right word to describe girth. Girth. Girth. Girth, heft, weight. That's what you would like. In that order. Do you like those glasses that have quite a thick bottom to them? Yeah. Do you know what I mean? When it's like the glass stops but then it just carries on a big chunk of glass at the bottom. Yeah. I like that. I mean, the point of Guinness glass is the perfect glass. Right. Absolutely. They know. They know.

Because it's also got that thing, like the little bulge, about three quarters of the way up, which is a good feature. So girth, heft, weight, and the little bulge three quarters of the way up. Yeah, that's about all you need. And the lip. The lip is important. That is not too thin a lip. Because again, that doesn't channel the water into the right areas of the mouth. It channels it onto your shirt.

And that's useless. Forks are important as well. So, again, the whole eating is fine. Prefer touching, yeah. Prefer touching, but also prefer... Again, I think it's maybe getting older. My main interest at dinner will be the heft of the cutlery.

Like, we had a dinner party in our house a few weeks ago, and this is absolutely true. So I got, last Christmas, for my wife's Christmas present, I got this amazing cutlery. Like, it is the best cutlery ever. So you bought that for your wife? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Lucky girl. Yeah.

Just imagine you handing it over to her. Look at the heft on that. Even more than me, she loves design. I mean, she's got some outlandish cutlery in her collection, which she keeps in a different room than my cutlery collection. So she got these forks, which are, like, they look nice, but they're terrible. Now, look, I shouldn't be talking about my wife in a public forum.

But I feel she needs to know. And we're not good on one-to-one. But we have these forks at home, like there's only three tines. Yeah. Yeah. And two of them are splayed outwards, like the outer two. And they curve outwards. So literally you can't pierce anything. There is no food that I know of that you can actually pierce.

So what's that fork for? They turn in everything dirty, Arnold. Like it's for maybe lifting hay or something and throwing it into a trailer. Like it's not for... Whereas the forks I got her, which she's very happy with, by the way. Yeah. They're not just forks. They have a companion knife and spoon. That's good. Yeah. And they're like... So you know brutalism in architecture, right? Yeah. These are brutalist. So it's a Dutch designer called Maarten Haas.

Loads of A's in that. I think there's about five A's in his first name and about four in his second name. Martin Hart. He has these amazing cut resets. Anyway, still are sparkling. It was the question. LAUGHTER

It's the most cutlery chat we've had, but it is important. Well, I'm surprised you don't talk about it more. It's... So... Oh, yeah, so I was at this dinner party, and I literally, the next morning, I was really embarrassed. Like, I literally went around to everyone at the table, because no one ever remarks on the cutlery, and we're always furious the next morning. They say, oh, yeah, the dinner's lovely. My wife's an amazing cook, and they said they're always going on about the fucking food and everything, and...

And then never mention the cutlery. So at this dinner party, I was going, what do you think of that? I was just one of those guys going around. You see it there now. Look, maybe it doesn't look special, but when you actually look at it closely, it's all like it's imperfect. Yeah. So there's like there's four times in the proper...

You know, and there's a stem. Yeah. You're talking them through the fork. Yeah. But like each of the tines is kind of like slightly weird, you know. Like little wiggly tines. Yeah, but the weight is the important thing. It's just perfect. Like sometimes, sometimes I literally, it's not even meal time and I will go to the cutlery drawer, yeah, when I should be working. Yeah. And I will literally just walk around with the fork. Yeah.

It's feeling the weight of it. Yeah. And the knife is like a saw. It's a really good knife. If a burglar came in, which one would you reach for first? Well, here's the thing. If a burglar came in, I wouldn't know. And the reason I wouldn't know is because, you see, we're very interested in design in our house. Yes. And my wife, again, it's none of your business. Yes. Yes.

The more you mention her, the more I suspect she doesn't exist. It's just your wife is actually a fork that you put googly eyes on. Yeah, but she buys lamps. So she loves lamps. Yes. Almost as much as she likes cutlery. Yeah. I don't know if your wife likes cutlery. So she buys lamps that don't throw any light. So our house is really dark.

Because all the lamps, the lamps are lovely. So it's always design over functionality and that's a source of contention. And literally, there's no light coming out of the lamps. So you wouldn't know which one to get? You wouldn't even know. It might as well be a hat stand. It might even be a hat stand with a lampshade on it. There's literally no light. There could be squatters living in my house. LAUGHTER

I wouldn't know. This anger explains why you began the show by rubbing your arse on a lamp. Yes. But there was one guest who came perilously close to choosing the secret ingredient. I wish he had. I would have loved to kick this guy out. As a loyal Albert Hall, no less. What a little thicko this guy is. An idiot. It's Ellis James.

So this is top quality steak, but only a small amount so I can have it with English mustard and then we can move on. Okay. And that's next to your sea bass. Now, can we get, we need to get into the nitty gritty with the veg here. So you've got steamed... Spinach. Okay. With a little bit of nutmeg. Green beans. Okay. Okay, someone's going to need to Google something for us. Uh,

No, don't move on. No. We need to Google. You've got your phone out. You know what I want you to Google. I don't have to say it to you. Can you tell us more about the green beans? Well, I really like my greens. I like kidney beans. Sorry, something fucking mad is happening in this room. LAUGHTER And I... I cannot put my finger on... Yeah. You don't need to put... Leave your fingers off it for now. We've got an answer. Because I...

I like spinach, I like cabbage. Yeah. He's fine. You're in the clear. Carry on. Carry on talking. I feel like I'm trying to walk across an icy lake. As long as you walk and don't run. Tender stem broccoli. Yeah. Fine. But I would like the chef to discuss them with slightly more enthusiasm than you two must have on your advert at the start of the podcast. LAUGHTER

That's a good advert. Yeah. We had to... Originally, James wasn't around. I had to record that by myself. You've never felt more fucking insane than recording an advert for broccoli alone. My sister thought that advert was fake, was a prank. She's like, you can't do an advert for tender stem broccoli. It's like doing an advert just for cake. Yeah. And she's like, I'm not going to go to that... Because we give a website address at the end. She's like, I'm not going to go on that website. It's just going to be a picture of you, Ed, and toast dressed as broccoli. LAUGHTER

Well, I love my greens, so it's with greens and dauphinoise, potatoes, and then a disc of steak with English mustard, but only a small one so I'm not too full. Because it's a big night. Are you factoring your dream side dish into that, or is there a different dream side dish? Different dream side dish. OK, well, let's move on to that and hear what your different dream side dish is. I mean, the two that almost made the cut, special fried rice, shredded chilli crispy beef.

But I thought, what genuinely makes me happy? Why do I feel like we're looking at a bowl of sausages now? I thought, sod it, it's my dream restaurant, so for my side I'd like a box of milk tray. Ellis, being here with you tonight is very special. Royal Albert Hall, someone's finally chosen milk tray as their dream side dish. Can I ask? No, no questions needed. I respect the choice.

But you're not fucking anyone after this meal. I beg to differ. Sometimes, even though we were live and in public, things got hot and steamy. No, that's not what it says. Oh, sorry. It says sexy. Sexy is the headline. Underlined. And then it says, things go hot and steamy. Yeah. It's Jamelia and Susan McComber.

My dream drink is... Have you ever had carrot juice? Yeah. Yeah? Love it. OK, carrot, not just the juice of a carrot. It's like... Oh, sorry, I thought that's what it was. No, then. I have to reframe what I think about everything today. Actually, you know what? Sorry, this is really unprofessional. I'm going to change what I had, just because I feel like this is a better answer. I do want to... But you can't leave us with the carrot juice mystery. LAUGHTER

We do need to hear what carrot juice is, if it's not the juice of a carrot. Carrot juice is delicious, just as delicious as the drink that I'm going to choose. Yeah, but what is it? What is carrot juice, though? It is the juice of a carrot, but it's mixed with condensed milk and nutmeg and cinnamon, and it's absolutely delicious. Can you use evaporated milk instead? Absolutely not. No. Because they are interchangeable in a lot of things. Definitely not. It would be disgusting. LAUGHTER

I feel like that's an inside joke. Slam him to fuck, Jamilia. James' mum did a recipe for us once. We did a cook-along together on Zoom during the pandemic. Because when we went back into the second lockdown because someone had fucking noodles. And out of context, if anyone takes that out of context, that's me cancelled forever. That sounds bad. If any of you are filming this, just clip that up and put it online. Curtis of Disusual Tricks. LAUGHTER

I'm fine with that. You can do that. Anyway, James' mum said, I'll do this, and I did the recipe, and it was shit. It was a bad recipe. That's all you need to know. She did not, she gave him a precise recipe, and he ignored the recipe. It's a condensed milk. He ignored it and replaced it with evaporated milk, and then complained afterwards that it didn't taste how it was supposed to. Yeah, that'll do it. She's a shit cook. Are you having that? Have you two ever had a fight?

not instigating, I'm just asking. Your honour. No, I can't fight him here in front of everyone. I'll get him in the dressing room when he's not expecting it.

about my cussing my mum out on stage. Terrible, terrible. So you're not choosing the carrot juice? I'm not going to go for the carrot juice, just because I would like to educate the audience. And maybe you already know what this is, but have any of you ever had something called sexy juice? Sexy juice? Yeah. And it's not, hang on. No, it's not that. Hang on, I've been tricked before with the carrot juice. Okay, sexy juice. Right, sexy juice.

basically the same as carrot juice but you substitute the carrot juice for pineapple juice that's why it's called pineapple so let's hang on let's track back I have never noticed that I can't wait to listen to this so we've worked out why it's called sexy juice there'll be people in here who don't know what you mean explain what you mean right

Oh, I hope my mum doesn't listen. All right, moving on. Right, so sexy juice is... Sorry, did you say you want the recipe? Yeah? Okay. Yeah, yeah. Okay, it's pineapple juice, condensed milk...

Bit of nutmeg, bit of cinnamon. It doesn't sound all... It's not fancy, but it's delicious. It really, really is. Yeah. I don't want to speak about sexy juice anymore. Fair enough. We all know why it's called sexy juice now. Respect the guest's boundaries. We're not going to make you talk about sexy juice anymore. It's so awkward. I'm so sorry. Let's carrot juice. Let's carrot juice. That's my drink.

No, that sounds like very nice. Do you think you've now ruined sexy juice for yourself, though? Yeah. Now that you've put that in your head? I still have it. Good on you, mate. We can bring you, like, a tumbler of each if you want. You can have some sexy juice and some carrot juice. Thanks. Yeah, no worries. Thank you. Really appreciate it. No, don't be so quiet. Does that work with any other foods? Say it again, sorry. Does the thing work with any other foods? The thing...

The pineapple thing that we're all thinking about now and won't stop thinking about until after the show's done. Does that work with any other foods? I don't know. I think parent and child, like in the audience. There are, there's loads. I'm so sorry. No, because, no, I'm just saying, because they might have to have the conversation on the way home or something. I mean, you don't have to. You don't have to. We'll do it now. What's the most awkward question ever?

Other than any parents and children. Sometimes, when two people love each other very much... Look, I don't know the science behind it. I don't know if it's true. Me neither. Don't look at me. I don't know. Sorry. Look at Ed. And I don't know if it would work for other fruits. Well, we've got about 14 tour shows left. I've only heard the myth about pineapple. Yeah. So tomorrow night at the Royal Albert Hall, I'll eat pineapple before the interval. LAUGHTER

Yes. And then we've got a way to open the second half, haven't we? That probably exists in fan fiction somewhere anyway, so we might as well. Oh my goodness. Loads of fan fiction about us fucking. Yeah. You just talk about food and then those grubby little pervs online. Well, I don't mind it. No, because you're always the dominant and I'm always getting fucked and crying my eyes out. I love it. Look at the fucking grubby little bastard. I know.

I'm always the one drinking the pineapple, put it that way. Old SpongeBob here. Oh, my God. If you had told me this is where this was going to go, I'd have still been here. Pop that back. Pop that back. Pop that back. Yeah. I'm going to be so ready for that. Jesus, you're good.

Best jump of the tour, to be fair, so far. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That proper shitted me up. Oh, my God. You were riding high on I Love Lemons. I know. Nothing from Matthew Bainton last night. He didn't move an inch. Did he move an inch? Yeah, but that guy's a ghost. He's used to scares. You can't scare a ghost, man. Oh, God.

Well, I'll answer it now. Bread. Bread, bread, bread, bread. Bread, bread, bread. Bread, bread, bread. Bread, bread, bread. Warm, warm, soft bread. We don't want anything too hard. And also, you need really, like, creamy, like, almost melted butter on it. You don't want to be shagging around, like, trying to warm it up and... LAUGHTER Wait. LAUGHTER

what you do when you shag around trying to... I do know what you mean, what you're going for. I've just never heard that used in that context. Yeah, you know, when you're shagging, like when you're trying to achieve something, so you're just putting it around, trying to achieve your soft butter. I hate that you're realising this in front of an audience of 2,000 people, but I think you've been using that term wrong. LAUGHTER

A lot of people are going to have different opinions of you over the years. Sorry, I was shagging around at the airport. The bag of carousel shagging around. Customs shagging around. Is that the GP shagging around? Oh, my God. Yeah. Yes. A lot of things are going through my mind right now. A lot of conversations. But, yes, I love creamy butter. I haven't shagged. Fuck it.

And warm bread. Do you know what, actually, what I really love? If you go to a really, like, bougie place, I love when they give you, like, a basket of bread and there's a variety of different breads rather than just, like, this is the only bread. Dip it in that oil. Fuck off. Yeah. Like, I love the surprise of going, ooh, that's quite nice. And I love, what I really love, as a starter, is, like, fruit bread, like, bit with raisins in it. Just to...

sit there? How do we feel? What? Controversial in Bristol. I will shag every one of you. Outside, get off now. Yeah, I was like, God, what the hell? Like, no, right? No, I'm sticking with that. That's a hill I'm going to die on. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. You've got to stick by what you believe. But yeah, not popular here in Bristol. Not popular. Fruit bread here. Fruit bread. No, just a little

Just a little bit. I'm not talking excessive amount of raisins. Just a little bit. Dot it around. I like those breads. I do like the raisin breads. Yeah, yeah. I know what you mean. And also, if it's part of a selection, it's only a small little bit. It's only a small wedge. There we go. You've got the wedges back on. I like them now. Will you toast it, though? With raisin bread, I'd like it to be toasted. No, not if you're about to have three courses.

No. No. Have I lost you? Why is toasting an issue if you're about to have three courses? I don't know. Doesn't it just make it... Makes it denser. Hmm. You're about to have... No, hang on. You're about to have three courses and then someone gives you toast, essentially. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Don't you think that toast is just me? Oh, my God, I'm realising a lot. I guess...

If someone gives you bread, it's the same, isn't it? Nah, but if it's a little... Nah. Because if you hold a loaf... If you hold, not loaf, if you hold a slice of bread and then you hold a slice of toast, do this when you get home, the toast is heavier. Is this another problem with your vocabulary here? No, it isn't! Have you been mistaking the word heavier for the word hotter and getting the...

No, go home and try it. Slice a slice of bread, untoasted, toasted. That toasted one is heavier. Susan, it's going to be late by the time the show's finished. I can't go home and start shagging the toaster. Also, you know, I think we're three episodes into the latest series of Taskmaster. Yeah. And I feel bad that this audience already know who's not going to win. Speaking of Susan Wacoma, we got to know a lot about her dating history. Let's hear from Susan Wacoma and Susan Wacoma.

So, my very first boyfriend was from Tunbridge Wells. Any of those details relevant to the story? Not at all. Tunbridge Wells. Do you know what? The reason why I mention that is because he's so far away from what I prepared him. There we go. So he's from Tunbridge Wells and he's like,

Suze, why don't you cook me one of your... That's not how he talks. Go on. Why don't you cook me one of your whole dishes from Nigeria? I've said I don't fucking like cooking. I like eating. I like food being prepared to me, wearing a feather boa and a visor. Anyway, so... He sounds like a great guy, by the way. Awful. Absolutely awful man. Why don't you cook me one of your whole dishes from Nigeria? Why don't you cook me one of your funny little spicy things? LAUGHTER

That's the vibe I got. Yeah, that's the vibe I get from this Tubber Dwells motherfucker. No, I was talking... No, as I'm doing now, I was talking about how much I love okra soup. And he was like, well, I'd love to taste it. Yeah. And I was like... Ah, four years. Four years? Yeah.

And so I was like, right, cool, I'm going to do that. So I'd made two mistakes. First one was that I didn't chop the okra thin enough. It was too thick. So when it's too thick, you don't get the stringiness, which is the main event. It's the main event. So when he had it, he was like, well, this ain't anything like you. Well, this ain't anything like you said. So I failed there. Fucking hate this guy. LAUGHTER

I think you remember you saying something about stringiness. What is this, Susan? I wouldn't call this a main event, Susan. Have you had shepherd's pie? Okay.

Awful. Yeah, he was a prick. Anyway, and... No, he wasn't. He was a little bit. And then... So the second mistake I made was that you're only meant to use, like, you use Scotch bonnets. You're only meant to use a couple. Oh, no. Someone's about to get their comeuppance. I love it. Good on you, Susan. How many did you put in? I don't think this is going to go well with a guy from Tunbridge Wells. I have a nice big spoonful to begin with, Susan. LAUGHTER

Down the hatch, bump the latch! In for a penny, in for a pound! Fuck, wait, I can't drive! 'Cause you're not far off! Oh my god! What was I doing? Um...

So you're only meant to use... You're only meant to use two. And I use seven. Oh, my God. I use fucking seven. And my spice tolerance is high. But even I was sweating from my eyebrows. I was sweating from, like, creases in my neck. I was like, shit. Under my tit. I was like, wow. This guy was pink. He was pink and red. And he was like... Fucking killed it.

my god it was funny in retrospect well that's good you can see what he's gonna look like when he's 40 oh my god yeah so I love that meal when it's made by other people yeah so those are the those my two those my two mains that's great so can I have both of them that's the

Obviously all I'm thinking about is out. Steam coming out of his ears. Also, we've stumbled into a bit of a trap here. Yeah. Where Ed and I establish a running joke where you can do it infinite times. Yeah. And all you need to do is do a different phrase before he eats it each time and it's going to make us laugh. So I've got in for a penny, in for a pound and for Queen and Country in my head. And if it wasn't for the fact we're on a time limit, that would have carried on for half an hour. LAUGHTER

I had another boyfriend. I've had a few. Here we go. Next on the chopping block, step up.

I had another one. Now, this one, who I won't name, was a proper... He was a bitch. He was a... I did this. Like, I think of him and I just think, what the fuck was I doing? Like, everyone else, I'm like, good memories, some good times. But this one, I'm like, could have done without that. Yeah. Like, scratch that fucking out. However...

after a breakup I tend to go okay what am I going to leave with what's like one thing that I take with me um can I just check are you speaking as Susan now or are you the character with dead husband this is me I'm gonna be her that's in that's in about that was about five fucking minutes I'm gonna be her um but no so he was he was a bitch but I he uh showed me this um snack uh so he was like why does that sound so

There's a lot of innuendos in this episode. And when you draw out a sentence like that, it's going to be dirty. Yeah, that's true. He showed me this. He showed me a snack and it was this. So he was, we went out one night, we came in and he was like, oh, I want to show you like my favourite night time snack. I was like, babes, yeah. Go on then. By the way, may I say, oldest trick in the book. So he's like, right, so I'm just going to get some crackers. I was like,

Okay, all right, get the crackers out. So he got some crackers. Crackers. And then he sliced some cheese, cheddar, just boring cheddar. And then he got ketchup. Yeah, that's why I'm not with him.

And he put it on, on the cheese. I was like, literally, I was watching him going, fucking hell, like, am I going to have to put a pillow over his head? Or like, for humanity, is it down to me? Is this the moment where I'm like, I must stop this continuing? And then he put the other cracker on it. I was like, no, I don't love anyone this much. I don't. And then I ate it. It was fucking sick. LAUGHTER

Absolutely amazing. It was gorgeous. So, crackers, Jacob's crackers, slice of cheddar, just a couple of slices, ketchup, bish bosh, put it in your mouth. Gorgeous. That would be my side dish. Your dream side dish. Oh, I love this sound. You lot are amazing. You lot want to beat me up and I love it.

Your dream side dish is crackers, cheddar and ketchup that was shown to you by, and I quote, a proper bitch. Yeah.

You said you didn't take anything from this relationship. No, but that was the one thing I took. That was the only thing I took. I mean, it's awful, Susan. Yes, it is awful. And he likes cheese boards. Yeah, I know. And he hates... I'm the last person who's now going to back you up on it because I hate cheese boards. So obviously I hate that. Yeah, of course. No, that's all right. I mean, has he got a name? Did he give it a little night... He strikes me as the kind of person who would give it a little cheeky night time name. I'll give it a name. It's a fucking Daryl E. Lunchable is what it is. Oh, he was in his 50s as well.

I know. Don't you think he's a bitch? Yeah. Hang on. What? Suddenly, I don't even give a shit about food anymore. You were going out with a guy in his fifties who was like, let me show you my favorite nighttime snack. Now you get the pillow thing. I was like, geez. Try that, Susan. Try that. But you'll have to be quiet, otherwise you'll wake mother. Again, you're not far off. Have you bought

Go to bed, mother! Mother, please! I'm a man now! I sleep in the pig bed! Again! Not long... You're not far off. You're not far off. This guy... I've suffered. Wait till you see this, it's gonna blow your mind. Catch up. My many years on this planet, Susan... ...learned many a thing...

You probably haven't encountered this before. I'll let you see how I make it, but don't tell anyone. It's a family secret. Keep it under your hat, Susan. A Jacob's cream cracker. The weakest cheddar imaginable. A suggestion of ketchup. And here's the twist. A second Jacob's cream cracker. You must remember, we used to love this when we were children, because when I was born, we were still in the back end of rationing.

Are you talking about the rationing? Mother, please. Don't you be eating my nice cheese again. I'll come down there and give you hell. I'll box your ears. Oh my God. That made every second of that year with that guy worth it. Thank you so much. Fuck it up.

Mother! Probably that's the most I've laughed on the whole tour. Yes. Was hearing about Susan's boyfriends. Yes. Now, obviously we've got a bit of toilet humour on the live episodes as well, just like we do on the recorded ones. Oh, this is recorded as well. Of course, our P&P podcast was represented at the live shows too, is what Benito's written, and that was probably more concise than what I tried to say then. Just one name, John Robbins. John Robbins shitting yourself.

Well, the next course you'll be glad to hear is the starter. Lovely. 40 minutes in. Oh, Jesus Christ, it actually is. Sorry, John, go on. So the next course, every year for the past sort of six or seven years, I've lived in Edinburgh when I do the festival with George Egg. Alex, I'm a broken man from Portugal. Race to that, absolute race to it.

Our back's down. And people might know George Egg as the anarchist chef or snack hacker on YouTube. He's got a channel where he hacks snacks, stuff you can sort of do in your car, which appeals to me. Are all your friends your favourite YouTubers? To an extent. I do have a YouTube channel with Alex Horne. You do? I do.

So living with him in Edinburgh is just such a treat because A, he's a wonderful guy, but also he's not just a brilliant chef, but he loves cooking and he gets excited about you tasting stuff and he likes presenting it to you. He's cooked me a six-course meal in Edinburgh before, but what I would like to go for my starter is what we'd always have for breakfast together, which is George Egg's cuppy egg on veggie haggis with a Kraft cheese slice, kismet Mr. Naga sauce, and a mocha pot coffee with evaporated milk.

Sounds very nice. Sounds lovely. It does sound lovely. So I can talk you through it very quickly. Yes. Cuppy egg, you butter the bottom of a mug, crack an egg into it, put it in the microwave for about 45 seconds. It makes a perfect poached egg, but buttery. He puts that on the top of vegetarian haggis, which he's sliced into a circle that's been fried. Between those is a Kraft cheese slice.

And then we went for a curry in Kismot in Edinburgh and the hot sauce was so nice that we asked if we could take some home with us. So they put it in a little plastic pot and it was so delicious that if you just dip the end of like a fork tine in

Into it and dip a bit of the oil off. It's just wonderful on poached eggs or on Cheese like melted cheese, so we'd have that for breakfast and make a little coffee in Georgia's got like an espresso sized mocha pot and you mix it with evaporated milk And it's just sweet and it's like a sort of shot of sweet coffee goodness and that will remind me of Wonderful mornings in Edinburgh with my dear friends tasting wonderful food Yes please!

That's lovely, John. And George Egg is a magnificent chef, so I imagine that tastes very nice. I think a few people in here might try that cuppy egg. Oh, yeah. That sounds like something that... Well, the cuppy egg is on his YouTube channel, so you can find out how to make cuppy egg. But also, that naga sauce you can buy, if I mention stuff you can buy, does it fucking ruin it for those suppliers because they suddenly have a billion orders? No, you're going to get some for free. Yeah.

The audience get them for free? No, you will, not the audience. No, they won't. You will. But it will turn up on your doorstep probably before you've even got home tonight. Well, I don't need any because I've got some. Yeah, well, bad luck. You're going to get some more. LAUGHTER

But anyway, if you want that delicious chilli sauce, it's called Mr. Naga. And it's basically like sort of... It's oil with sort of crushed chillies, but it is fucking delicious. But do use with caution, for Christ's sake. It will bite you on the arse, both literally and...

very horrible way, metaphorically. You've had a few nightmares over the years, haven't you? A few close shows. But I haven't actually shit myself since 2002. Not true? Oh, okay, yeah. I'd forgotten about that. Just lying. Just lying, John. Throwing years around. So confidently.

I guess, in a way, does that quite shit in yourself, that story? I mean, obviously, I'm on the cusp of just describing it. I never had that combination again of neck oil and bang-bang cauliflower with Frank's extra hot wing sauce. It was a fucking car crash. Just saying that out loud, of course no one should have that. Yeah, I know. Well, I didn't know that... Neck oil, bang-bang cauliflower, which sounds like a metaphor for shitting yourself. Yeah.

"Oh no, I've done a bang bang cauliflower in my pants." Do you want to quickly run through the story? Oh God, I had neck oil and bang bang cauliflower. And it was just, I was going through a bad period with my guts anyway. I was drinking quite a... It was drinking quite a lot. The cauliflower and the batter was a fucking mistake. The sauce was just arrogant.

And I was in a situation where I couldn't fart freely. So I... I don't... For me, that situation has never existed. Oh, come on, Ed. It was what time in the morning, was it? It would have been like 1.30, 2am. 1.30, and you were at the time in a relationship and didn't want to fart in front of them.

Yeah, I think that's as much as I would like to say about that. You're a gentleman. Oh, actually, yeah, I was a gentleman. What do gentlemen do in that situation? They don't fart in the bed. They don't fart in the bed. They go downstairs, try to fart in some kitchen roll and shit themselves. Have you not read any etiquette guides? My favourite thing about that is I understand going downstairs. I get that. I'll go in another room and I'll fart. But then going, I need some sort of muffler.

I thought it would deaden the sound. It actually turned out to be a masterstroke.

Our guests are here we go. This is the point where the categories get really weak. I can't believe this. I can't believe that this is a category. Okay, I get it now. Our guests had plenty of wild stories. Like wild animals. Nature. Is that what you meant? No. No? It's not what you meant? He just meant they're wild. I just saw that a couple of them are about animals. I've seen they all were. Sam Campbell, Lucy Beaumont, Joe Wilkinson, Lucy Beaumont again, and Sam Campbell again.

I'd say the key is just don't turn up the heat too high. You've got to... Low and slow with caramelised onions. It's going to take way longer than you think it is. Is it one of these things? Some people are talking about things that take 12 hours to cook. Is that real? Not... LAUGHTER

I think it's real, but not onions. I'd say you're looking at half an hour plus, but don't cook an onion for 12 hours, whatever you do. How low would you have to go, heat-wise, to cook them for 12 hours? And they're still how you want them. You could put them in the oven, I reckon, overnight on a very, very low heat, and it would... I mean, it probably wouldn't caramelise them, but it would bake it overnight. Do that with tomatoes, man. You do little tomatoes in the oven. You're essentially drying them out in the oven overnight. Overnight? Pretty cool. I wouldn't be able to sleep.

I wouldn't. You wouldn't be able to sleep? I'd fit in the house doing couch fire. Oh, right. Yeah, I was going to... I thought you meant you'd be so excited about doing tonight's house. No. Well, maybe, I don't know. But, like, I think... Getting up, you keep looking through the...

It's like Christmas. Yeah, it is a bit. My wife used to share a flat with someone. He's a lovely man. He's still a very good friend. But the first night she was sharing a flat with him, she was like weirded out because she was in a new place or whatever. She got up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water about three, four in the morning. She came into the kitchen and all of the lights were off. But he was stood in front of the oven and the light from the oven was just lighting him. And he was baking a cake. Four in the morning completely silently watching a cake bake.

You respect that? Pretty late for a cake. So yeah, I think half an hour to 45 minutes. What's the longest that someone has cooked something for and it still came out okay? Wow. Good luck, man. Good luck with this one.

I guess like barbecue, like Texas barbecue food, you'd probably cook that for, you know, 15, 16 hours sometimes with like a brisket or pulled pork. Wasn't there something that was cooking for a thousand years? Is that, what am I? Why are you asking questions? You've already got the answers to them. No, I thought he would know. I think there's a temple in Japan somewhere where they've, it might be in Japan, apologies if I'm wrong, but they've got like a soup that's been cooking for like hundreds or thousands of years. Did they ever dip into it?

Yeah, I think they've... No, they haven't had any yet. I hope it's good. LAUGHTER But I think that's like they're adding to it all the time. So there's like bits that have been there for that long. Like a sourdough starter. You know, a sourdough starter, you're just adding to it all the time. Didn't someone do that with a rock and it was a trick?

No, I think you're right. I think it might be a fable or something. Do you know about this? A stone soup, yeah. Do you know about this? Oh, the stone soup fable. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You know this one? Yeah, yeah. So this guy, he's got like a... Okay, that's not how fables start, Sam. LAUGHTER

We don't know how Australian fables go. Most Australian fables get thought of with this guy or this sheila. There was this fella and pretty much all he had was a rock. That's all he's got. Somehow ends up with an incredible meal. How? Here's what he did. He went...

So basically he goes, oh my God, we're making this amazing soup. Everyone's got to contribute something. I've got this rock. What have you got? Someone's like, I've got some amazing type of food. Ham? Ham. I've got some... Celery. Celery. Basically everyone in the community contributes one thing. And at the end of it, he's got this amazing soup. He goes, well, yeah, we've made this. And then he got to have some of it.

I had forgot that fable, and when you told it, I was like, oh, yeah. I like the way you told that fable, though, as if it was just something your friend told you. Can you do the tortoise and the hare for me? Basically, there was a pretty huge race. I'd be surprised if you didn't hear about it. So, yeah, I think a lot of animals were involved. I'm actually not too sure about which other animals were in it. These two do tend to dominate the story. LAUGHTER

But yeah, huge race. Everyone thinks the hare is going to win. Everyone's like, man, you've got this in the bag. This is yours. And the tortoise is like, oh, do I even stand a chance? Should I even enter? His coach was like, you should do it. It is for charity. Yeah. So yeah, beautiful charity. What charity? Sorry? What charity was the tortoise running for?

Yeah. It affects tortoises quite badly. Yeah, it does. Well, they... Anyway, it is maybe in poor taste to have a hare. Would you like crackers to start this? No, I don't want crackers either, actually. I want... I want bread. Right, well, what the... What the... What the...

I just wondered why it was just Papa Dom's r-bread. I do want bread, but I don't want fancy bread. What I want is... Do you know Jackson? Are you allowed to say actual names and things? Feel free, yeah. It's nice to know you've listened to some episodes. Oh, no, I've listened to a lot of them. I just can't remember if they're...

Yeah, you can say Brad. You told us you listened to a lot of episodes in a row, didn't you? Yeah. Can you just tell us what happened, why you ended up listening to loads? Oh yeah, you listened to quite a lot in a row, didn't you? More than you were anticipating. Yeah. I got stuck behind a horse. God, it was a night. It's not yet funny to me. Do you know what I mean? This is only a few days ago. Yeah. It's bloody hot. It...

There's a very large wood where I live and I couldn't get past the horse. And if I'd have taken a different turn off, I would have had to have gone a long way around. So I just walked behind it. Hang on. Hang on, this is the second time I'm hearing this story. And this is the first time that I'm realising you were on foot.

Yeah. I didn't know that. I thought you were in a car on a road behind a horse. I didn't know you were in some enchanted woods, walking. That sounds magical, Lucy. Yeah. How do you get stuck behind a horse on foot? But I don't have a driver's licence, so... But can't you walk around the horse? I didn't want to scare it. I just... I thought... I was thinking she'll notice... Because there was a woman on the horse. I was thinking...

I was thinking she'll notice me soon and she'll move to the side and let me go past. But I didn't feel comfortable with trying to take over the horse. And she just didn't for absolutely ages. And so I listened to quite a few podcasts. So how long would you say you were slowly walking behind this horse? I think two hours. It's a really big wood. Yeah.

So plenty of room to maybe... Yeah, and then finally she noticed me and she moved to the side and she let me pass. I was like, thank God for that. And then my shoelace came undone. So I went down to do it and just saw this fucking horse just...

Go past. And then, so it happened again. I was behind the horse for ages. She let me then, again, go past. And a guy said, come here, Lucy. So I went to him and the horse overtook me. Hang on. He was talking to his dog. He wasn't, he wasn't, he said, I'm talking to my dog, love. I mean, it's consistent with what happens in a Toby Carver, isn't it? You hear Lucy, like, yep.

Yeah, oh, it was... I was so annoyed when I got home. I was like, it's just wasted, my day. And then I've got to pick my child up from school, like, the whole day's gone. I haven't got anything done. Like, just looking at this horse's arse for eight. Joey? Yeah? Does someone want to have to do the Heimlich on you? Because... You choked on some beetroot. Sorry, beetroot? No. No. No?

Yes, they did. LAUGHTER That man is like... It's not the man... Give him a wave. Oh, hello. Yeah, he saved my life. He didn't save your life. LAUGHTER He didn't save your life. His friend... Karosh. Hmm, Karosh? Yeah, where's Karosh? He's in my... I can tell you, I've got his phone number here. Is he in? So you exchanged... No, he's not in. So you exchanged numbers after... I could phone him. Yeah, erm... He saved your life. LAUGHTER

Can we get a bit of background on the story before you fail? Oh, yeah. This could be a bit of a weird phone call if we don't know anything about it. Where were you? I was in my house and I was... What? Hang on. I'm glad we got some more background on this story. What are you talking about? You're in your house. I'm always in my house. What do you mean? Yeah, but...

Okay, so keep telling the story. Why is me being in my house weird? Because you choked on beetroot and then a man who I presume you didn't know before called Karosh saved your fucking life. Yeah. I hardly ever look in the spare room, to be fair. But that day, I happened to pop in there and there he was. Now, what happened? I was cooking and as I was cooking, I like to eat beetroot.

Okay, pause before we carry on. Okay, there's a lot of pausing and asking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because the details are weirder than you think. Yeah. Okay, okay. Why is it beetroot, your snack of choice when you're cooking? Some people drink red wine when they're cooking. Yeah. You eat beetroot. Slices of beetroot. Preferably crinkle cut. Well, that turned out to be your downfall on this day, didn't it? Oh, yeah, we'll get there. And I...

Because when I'm cooking, I'm usually hungry. Yeah. That's unique, yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I've listened to your pod and I don't know. Some people do that as well. They cook when they're hungry. Paul Rudd. That's really nice to follow that. What? So I was eating beetroot and quickly because I love the stuff.

And it suckered itself into my throat, went... And I could no longer breathe. So I ran out into my garden, I looked at my other half, and I thought, she's not going to help. Because she was... She absolutely loved the book she was reading at the time. And I thought...

I doubt she'd put that down. Yeah. Do you remember what the book was? I think it was a Jackie Collins, but I couldn't be sure. Was it Petra? She's in. So I thought, what do I do? And I went a bit Matrix. I started to think for the first time in my life. That's Matrix, is it? That's what you call going a bit Matrix. Yeah. Yeah.

Something you knew the appropriate term for a lamp. Tapped into something higher than myself here. And I picked up the pace. It was the fastest I've ever gone down my hallway. And I ran outside and... So you went into the garden, looked at your partner, ran back inside again, and out the front door. Yeah. And you got, like, just red, just pouring down your beard, I'd imagine. Well, it...

It wasn't, because I'm very... Because I've eaten a lot of beetroot, I tend to be good at it. Yeah, it's just this one time, wasn't it? It nearly killed you. Yeah. To be fair, there was not a drop on me. So I ran out. This was in COVID as well, so no one was about, so I thought, it's probably not the best idea. But matey had broken all the rules and was out, and I was like...

You can save my life, but I'm not happy about it. And I reported him later. He got four months. And he was a big lad. He's a big lad, isn't he? He's a big lad. He's about six... Well, very strong muscular arms, if I remember right. And I was pointing at my throat, and he sort of went... And I was like, there's nothing else I can do here. I'm...

And then I remember him saying, I can't do the... He said, I can't do the Heimlich. And I was, well, you're going to have to learn. So we both Googled. He had better 5G than me. So he just picked me up like a rag doll and then shook me and then it shot out and hit the side of a car. APPLAUSE

I wasn't expecting to tell that. Is this how the pod should start? And then you exchange numbers after that? Yes, I've got him down in my phone as Lifesaver. Yeah, I know. What a guy I am. Do you... Call him, I meant. Call him? Nah. Do you chat much with Lifesaver? Not as much as I should. Every time you're eating some beetroot to take a selfie of yourself? Yeah.

Guess what? I hope you're nearby. Yeah, I've got him as my emergency number now. I've swapped him for my wife. Yeah, so yeah, that happened. That's

That's weird. Do you still eat beetroot? Yeah. Someone told me, I was talking to my neighbour about it the following day, and I was telling her, and she said, oh, I have a friend of hers, and she had problems eating for like months. She had to go and have therapy about it. I was eating a lot of food within four to five minutes. To the point, my mum, Mrs. was like, Christ, don't learn!

And I'd like them so I can have different, I'd like a few soups. One soup, one type of soup. Most people. So you've got all these Yorkshire puddings with the cottage pie in them. It's got a bit of gravy in it. Have you had that before? Is that something you've had somewhere where they put the cottage pie in the Yorkshire puddings? Yeah. Okay. And the soup, and then you also want...

About the same size? Yeah, please, yeah. In the Yorkshire puddings again? Yeah. Soup in the Yorkshire puddings. Yeah. Do you want to take us through the soups? Yeah, yeah. I really like mushroom soup. Yeah, yeah. It's brilliant. So mushroom soup in one of them? Yeah. I had an incident. Can I just check? I can't wait to hear. I'm just going to check because we're 44 minutes in. Do you have an incident per soup?

No. No, so just mushroom soup. I'd love to hear it. Do you know during lockdown that, you know that nice bit where everyone was dying but it was sunny? I mean, yeah, I do know the bit you mean. I'm going to say, if you say that in the future, sunny should come after the nice bit. The nice bit where it was sunny but unfortunately everyone was dying. That's the order I'd do it in. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, every morning I would open the curtains and I see on the lawn this little bird. And it was there every morning. And I would just go, oh, hello, like that. And I'd go downstairs and go, oh, that little bird was there. And then one day I looked and it wasn't moving a lot. And so I went onto the lawn. It was a mushroom. I don't know what I'm going to do. I mean, I would say, obviously there's a lot to say about that. LAUGHTER

I think the fact that for days you mistook a mushroom for a bird and talked to it is pretty big news. Went downstairs every day, went, oh, I saw the little bird again. Yeah, would tell your husband, I saw the little bird again. But I would also say that story doesn't need the context of, do you remember that bit in lockdown where everyone was... I don't think it needed that. I think you could have said that happened at any point. Didn't need to know it was a lockdown. I didn't think it needed, like, in the background...

Just that knowledge that everyone was dying. Do you think you have a unique stink, Sam? It was in my scent. Yeah, do you have a natural scent that is unique to you? I do. I mean, you know I live in a corporate new build these days. Yes. And it has a treadmill. I've been trying to run, I'm working my, I'm trying to run 10 kilometres every day. That's pretty good, man. And after that I do, and I often get lost in my building. Like, I haven't really figured it out yet. Hang on. I walk around. Are you running on the treadmill or around the building for 10k? No.

It's just a complicated building. I think they're like... It's only at 30% capacity and it's getting... There's some weird stuff going on where I live. Like what sort of weird stuff? There's no lights in the gym so I run in complete darkness. LAUGHTER

Are you supposed to be living in this building? Because to me it sounds like you've moved into a show property. You know when they build the flats first of all and they deck some of them out with furniture to show you what it would be like if you bought them but it'll say opening in 2026. Have you just moved in? This explains why a lot of my flatmates are going to cut out people. LAUGHTER

No, it's real. It's the real deal. It's the real deal, yeah. It's at 30% capacity. Yeah. Have you met everyone else who lives there? I've met a few, and it's pet friendly. I don't have a pet, but I'm going to, they're having soon the Meet the Pets event, and I'm going to, you know, they can't stop me from going to that.

Yeah. But yeah, after I run, I do... You stink. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you stink or do you... Yeah, I stink sometimes, yeah. Is the Meet the Pets event in a room that has lights or is it in complete darkness again and you have to feel the pet and guess which pet it is? That's got him, hasn't it? Man, that is so messed up. Imagine going to a fully in darkness Meet the Pet event. Your mind. LAUGHTER

If you went to a Fully in Darkness Meet the Pet event, what would be your favourite... Eel! That would be your favourite animal to meet, would it, in the dark? To be... To touch. To touch in the dark would be an eel. Ooh. I mean... This is... I would worry the lights would come up and no one's got an eel. LAUGHTER

And I know that you've worked so hard on this format and all the food stuff, yeah, yeah, yeah, but make this the whole show. It's darkness, it's pets in the darkness. This is nice. Yeah. Yeah. Do you think you could identify different people as, like, what animals they were in the dark if you touched them? I think most of them I'd go, okay, yeah, yeah. I'd struggle with some of the breeds. Yeah, sure. Yeah. Like, we think Jack Russell, but, you know, let's see.

And then here's the twist at the meeting pets in the dark event in your building. So all the pets are at one side of the room and you go and feel them. And the owners are at the other side of the room. And you have to feel them and then match them up with their pets. You could do that? What would be your technique of the way you'd figure out? Sorry, I've just seen two people leave. It was me who did it, Sam.

That's not on you, buddy. Imagine that's the point. Where are you going? We need to grab the cockatiel. Wow. So, yeah, feeling a pet's texture and then matching. I don't know if I'd be good at matching the owner and the pet. But you're doing well on Taskmaster right now. You've won a few episodes. So, like, if that's a task, how are you? Am I allowed to speak to the pet?

Yeah, that's the one you'd want to speak to, I guess. Yeah. Yeah. You can speak to one of them and you've chosen the pet, yeah? That is, yeah, that's one of the rules, is that you can either speak to the pet or the owner, but you can't speak to both of them. I think I, no, hold on, can I change my answer? I will talk to the owner. But perhaps the wildest of them all, and the most popular, was Tommy Tiernan in Dublin. Main course, Tommy.

I'm not interested in that question, but I would like to know. My dream main course would be, again, I'm not mad for meat. Yeah. I prefer not to eat meat. It's not a... I'm not a vegetarian or anything. I don't buy this. I don't think you're actually eating a cow. Like, it was a cow, but it's fucking not a cow now. LAUGHTER

It won't be a cow tomorrow. It'll be something else tomorrow. I wouldn't eat a cow. I wouldn't have the nerve to go up to a cow and just start eating it. I wouldn't do that. Nobody would. I wouldn't even do it to a chicken. But once it's... What's on the plate is not the thing that was in the field. But I still don't... I would eat...

a chicken if it was somehow in the shape of a baby. I bet they could do that. I fucking bet they could do that. They could genetically... It would still taste like chicken, but it would just be to see the other people in the restaurant going, ''What the fuck is he eating?'' You imagine that would be quite easily done. Like a plump roast chicken lying on its back would not need that much work to look like a baby. Yeah.

Yeah, and people be gone So let's just park that for the moment yeah, don't make that weird with any of your questions Okay, sorry I've got nothing to add there, but I would be a big fan of roast potatoes

So I love roast potatoes and, like I said, a very simple taste when it comes to food. So roast potatoes, doesn't matter how badly they're roasted, overdone, underdone, rightly done, almost even doesn't matter what's on them, rosemary or salt. I was going to say Maura, Sandra, Trasa. I like to pull potatoes out of the lady. LAUGHTER

Who's this guy? Yeah. I like this guy. Puts him back in the genie bottle. I like him. Who is he? He's fucking mad, he is. What was I talking about? Rose me roast potatoes, yeah. So it doesn't matter. Goodbye to that guy. Doesn't matter what's on the potatoes as long as they're roasted. And I love them.

I'd almost eat them all the time as everything. Like get up in the morning and just, you know, have two. Steady on. And then maybe just fucking skip lunch altogether. And then in the evening have about seven and one going to bed.

I fucking love roast potatoes. And I'd... Like when parsnips are roasted, little slivery kind of with the... Do you know when they're almost over-roasted and they have this, almost like this tail, a little, little wisp of something defiantly burnt but still parsnippy. And carrots, I do roast carrots. Sometimes they put a honey thing on. I fucking discovered this popcorn recently that has blown my mind. LAUGHTER

Have you heard of Q's? You have to eat these before you go back to eating. Q's. Q's. Q's. Well, this episode is going to be released audio. I can't wait for all the tweets at Ben being like, you've done a mad job editing this because you've clearly missed out a bit. He was talking about all the roast vegetables he likes and then you just hard cut into him talking about popcorn. LAUGHTER

So... All of you are going to have to go online and go, no, no, that is what happened in the room. We went there, it's what happened. No, there is a link, and the link is that Kios do this new popcorn now. I only discovered it like two or three weeks ago. It's honey and sea salt fucking popcorn. Like, these people have nothing better to be doing than just thinking of shit to put on popcorn. It is delicious. So I would... The carrots...

would have a kind of a honey glaze on them sometimes. I kind of like burnt food. Like, you know, food that's just fucking, it's like annoyed at you. That's what burnt food is, isn't it? Burnt food is kind of like, fuck you.

Isn't it? Yeah, yeah. When you're having rashers, a good bit of the rasher can be all right, and then towards the end it's going, no, fuck you. So my main course would be mainly veg, but if possible, chicken in the shape of a baby. LAUGHTER

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After 30 gigabytes, customers may experience slower speeds. Customers will pay $25 a month as long as they remain active on the Boost Unlimited plan. Thank you, Tommy. So many complaints. My baby. The fucking baby. Is that it? Yeah. Fucking hell, that's the most I laughed all tour, actually. I wish you could do it by time. Never eat another.

Here we go. This is my favourite category so far. Fucking hell. But overall, the live tour was about having a laugh. He'd been laughing once. What's he writing that down for? He didn't have a laugh the whole tour. He had a little smile when we were in the hotel bar. Yeah, he had a little smile. Whenever things were going wrong for us, he'd had a little smile on his face. But overall, the live tour was about having a laugh. Matthew Baines and Jessica Knappert, Mike Wozniak, Ian Sterling, Matthew Baines and Jessica Knappert again, Mike Wozniak and Ellis James.

Do you want to hear about the cacio e pepe? I really do. Tell me, tell me all. I do. I'd heard somewhere that it's like the test of a really good pasta chef is cacio e pepe. And I had no idea why. And I had never had it up to a point where I was in Los Angeles for the, and it was the first time I'd been there. And I, I had like a quite sort of dispiriting week of meetings with people that were aimless and didn't lead to anything.

And it was like the last day of this. And I came out of this meeting really, really, really early. And I had a car booked for like two hours later to take me to the airport. And I was like, oh, fuck, I've got nothing to do. And you can't walk anywhere in L.A. or you can try, but it will just be you and homeless people. Everyone else is driving.

But there was a restaurant like on the block. So I thought, oh, fuck it, I'll go in there. And Cacio e Pepe was on the menu. And I thought, oh, I've heard that sort of you find out if the chef's really good. And it was just amazing. And after that, it became a sort of thing of like anywhere where it was on the menu, I wanted it. Do the chefs know that you're testing them every time you order it?

I mean, that's the case in anything you order in a place, isn't it? I suppose so. The general idea is, I want to like it. I guess I don't see my relationship with hospitality like that. The chef better be on his fucking toes. It's exam day, chef.

Yeah, true. I just, I kind of liked the story of it. Like, that's meant to be the one that you can... If you can nail that, you can nail anything. And apparently it's all about the amount of, like, the lick, you know, the salty water that you've made the pasta in. You've got to reserve a bit of that broth. It's got to be just the right amount and just the right temperature when you add the cheese. Can't be too hot.

Can't be too much. It'll go watery, too much, you know, not enough. And it's just going to be kind of thick and gloopy. Got to get it just right. And it's amazing if you do. Every time you've had a cacio e pepe in a restaurant, do you walk into the kitchen afterwards and go, you passed the test? You are a chef. I think on that occasion, the first one I'd had, I did actually say, can you tell the chef that was incredible? That's good. I don't think I've ever done that, you know.

Compliments to the chef. Please tell the chef. Now who's the arsehole in the restaurant? They know. The thing is, when you guys go to a restaurant now, they must be thinking that. You must be treated like food critics now. Is that true for you, James? Yes. Every time I go to a restaurant, especially if it's a dessert, the place we went to today, the person came out, the chef, and said, I listened to Off Menu. Thank you. He went...

Two tiramisu's? Actually, he said we want some tiramisu. And my dad went, two please. That's just reminded me of a time I was at a cafe with Ben Wilbond, who's the mother of the Ghosts gang. Does he believe in ghosts? You'll have to ask him. And we ordered some food and the waitress, when she came over, put the plates in front of us and went, couple of tarts?

And it was that on the edge that to this day it still comes up. Do you think she meant... Yeah. There was just momentary eye contact. Couple of tarts. She must just push it further and further every day, I think. I think she's trying to get fire... To clarify, we had ordered tarts. Yes. That's an important... That's what she put down, right? We had ordered tarts. She didn't put down cacio e pepe and go, couple of tarts. Just go, couple of tarts. Couple of fucking slacks later. LAUGHTER

Did she mean to do that? We have a similar thing in my family that we still talk about. Because years ago, we went to... We used to live in Banbury. And... And we went back there as a family. Just to, like, you know, old stomping ground. Went to this tea room. Ordered a round of Banbury cakes.

what Bambri's famous for. There's one lady working there, like, oldest lady you've ever seen. And she brought out all the Bambri cakes from her on a circular table. And she gave them to us. And then my brother was the fire end. So she went, here's your Bambri cake, and then farted so loud. LAUGHTER And then, like, claimed it as well. So she went, here's your Bambri cake. Pardon me. LAUGHTER And...

Is that now what you say when you... Yeah, here's your bambi cake. It's still a thing in my household. That's what it should be. Do you say it before you fart? Yeah, yeah. Because also she was looking dead at him. Here's your bambi cake. It was so disrespectful. My mum was like crying with laughter. She hadn't even left the table yet because she's a really slow old lady. Yeah.

So she's still like doddering round to leave and my mum is streaming. I'm going to spend the rest of this conversation fixated on trying to fart. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You won't be the first guest. There's no, and there's no doubting what happened there. Like, it's not like the couple of tarts situation. No.

That lady farted, she said, excuse me, and then she left the table. Yeah, yeah. There's no going, ta-ching. Yeah. No, but the analogy would be if she meant to say, here's your banbury cake, and then fart. Yeah, yeah. If she meant to call it that. But this will be funny. Yeah. Yeah.

It's like, here's your Banbury cake and fart. And I'm guessing she didn't. Guessing that she didn't. We all just thought it was very funny, apart from my dad. My dad was very straight-faced and looking at us like, there's nothing funny about this. Yeah, because your dad can't focus on anything if someone puts a fucking pudding down in front of you. Yeah, he's like, the cakes are here, it's a no-laughing matter. Right. Every time there's a pause is the perfect... You could just do a big fart now. No, I haven't got one.

Give it time, man. Give it time. Feel free. Actually, if you want to know, we've sort of hacked the hell of family cooking, which is that we have pretty much the same meal on the same day every week. I'd say you've created a new hell.

OK, so tell me honestly if this sounds like hell. And I don't mind if the answer is yes. Macaroni Monday. Jess, you just said it like you hate it. LAUGHTER That was actually smug, Jess. Oh, sorry. Is this fat macaroni Monday or just normal macaroni? You can have... No, it's little macaroni. Mac and cheese? Yeah, mac and cheese. So macaroni Monday, are they all going to be alliterative? We tried. LAUGHTER

Taco Tuesday. Yeah, obviously. Love Taco Tuesday. That's great. Yeah. What do you think Wednesday is? Um, oh, Walnut Whips. That's what you'd have in your house. Yeah, Walnut Whip Wednesday. I'd go, it's alliterative. What can we do? Wensleydale Wednesday? No. No. It sounds like Wednesday. Does anyone want to have a guess? Yeah. Wings. Wings. Wings is a great shout. Have you not thought about wings? No. No.

Someone suggested Wellington. And someone said Wellington. A Wellington every week would be a real... That's very labour-intensive, a Wellington. A Wellington a week. It's actually wedges. I don't know why Smug Jess is back. Oh, yeah.

Smug Jess appears to live in an American bar. It's actually wedges. Mac and cheese, tacos, wedges. Well, I have an American husband. Yeah. So, yeah, we sort of do live in an American bar, really. Playing pool and stuff. Tequila Thursdays? No, I guess... Shall I keep going? Yes. Oh, you must keep going. You must keep going. So we've got Wedge Wednesday. So you have wedges every Wednesday? Yeah. It's sort of like we'll have...

Like a meat thing. Well, basically, we basically just have like meat and soup, veg. But meat and veg and wedge. Meat and veg and wedge. Yeah.

Wedges don't constitute the whole meal, but wedges will make an appearance. Yeah, we know that the wedge is going to make an appearance. I have to be in there because it's Wednesday. Even though the main bit of the meal changes every week, it has to be served with wedges because it's Wednesday night.

But, James, you don't understand until you have to cook for, like, people that don't really eat, you know, a six-year-old and a one-year-old. It's destroyed cooking for me. I mean, no offence to them. Or bread. Yeah. But you can't just... It's so hard to think... Like, you can't...

You know, you've been working all day and you just... The hardest part is thinking, what shall I make for tea? Yeah. But that's, I guess, my point would be maybe make the main bit of the meal the bit that repeats every week and not the side...

Because it won't be alliterative, James. I know that. Because you are still having to decide what you cook every Wednesday, aren't you? Yeah, Wednesdays, actually, when Wednesdays come around, it's not great. Could you bring in wings, maybe? We could bring in wings. Wings and wedges every Wednesday? That's actually a really good idea, thank you. How's the one-year-old going to deal with wings? Yeah. I feel like, in Jess's defence, you really set her up there. Yeah.

You talked her into wings and then you went, ha ha, gotcha, motherfucker. There's a one-year-old in play. You forgot that? Well, I was just thinking, I don't know about one-year-olds, but I can't imagine a one-year-old eating a wing. I can't imagine that. Rotating it. No, we're going to be peeling the meat off the wing. Actually, she didn't eat chicken. Tricky. What's Thursday? Thursday, I'm interested to see if you've gone for a T sound or an F sound here.

Well, because Thursday sounds... Say it out loud. I hate to tell you this. It doesn't sound like that at all. Thursday? Yeah, you say Thursday wrong. Thursday? Yeah. Thursday night? Thursday. Thursday. Okay, a TH noise then. Yeah. Sorry. LAUGHTER

Yeah, okay. Well, I don't feel like that is being pinnickety. It just does start with a PH. Well, technically, there's an R at the end of bastard. Oh, no, shit, but it's at the end. Well, I can't get you on that. You're saying it right, bastard. He's wrong. Crust Thursday, okay? It's thin crust Thursday. That's great. Thin crust Thursday is great.

Sorry, James, Fin Crust Thursday. I would say Fin Crust Thursday. Yeah, I know you would. So we're sticking with the bar food, aren't we? Not on Fish Friday. Fish Friday. That's very traditional. That's great. Yeah, that is traditional. Is it fish and chips? Which sometimes it will be, yeah. Ever go fish and wedges on Wednesday and then fish and wedges on Friday? Well, yeah, sometimes that has hit us.

But we're magical, right? We're in the magical genie. So can I upgrade sparkling to sort of fizzy lifting water? Are we going from Channel in Chocolate Factory? Yeah, please. Fizzy lifting water. Because presumably, I'm on my own in the restaurant. That's how I've always imagined. Whatever you want. Is that right? If you want that, if you want to be alone... Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So why does...

The fizzy lifting water directly tied to the fact you're alone because you don't want anyone else to experience the fizzy lifting water. Well, two reasons. One, there's like, I've got a bit of time to kill before, you know, the food comes, right? Yeah. So if you've got a bit of time to kill, why not kill it flying? And secondly, there's obviously the indignity of how you descend with the...

Physylifting drink. And I'd rather that was in private. We all know what happens when you do things like that. It's a mess. But they burp, don't they? They burp. In the movie. They burp. In the book, I think it's... I think in the book, even they... I think an Oompa Loompa dies during the testing process. Is that correct? Do people remember that? I'm pretty sure an Oompa Loompa is accidentally... They haven't got the dose right and they accidentally fire an Oompa Loompa into space. LAUGHTER

I don't know why all these wokies have edited Roald Dahl. Kids would love that stuff. Wow. Is that right? I may have misremembered that. So he goes into space and it dies? He's, well, I think he's presumed dead. Yeah, they don't cover the death. He's launched, he passes through outer orbit, and then after, I think after that, your chances are slim. LAUGHTER

I mean, Wonka's a rich guy, isn't he? But he's not going to spend any money on trying to get that. He's already, yeah, he's got a lot of overheads, hasn't he, though? That's the thing. It stacks up. Yeah. And he always gave the impression that the Oompa Loompas were willing, but that's... I'd quite like to see the Oompa Loompas' perspective on that situation. Do you think it'll be fun flying for the first time completely alone? Do you think it might be more fun to fly with other people?

Your wife and children? Yeah, yeah. Because Charlie Bucket's with his grandpa, isn't he? The problem is I'm quite risk-averse generally in life, so I think if I was with my wife and children, I'd be worried about one of them going off into an electricity pylon or something like that, do you know what I mean? Or finding their way into the wrong end of a Chinook. And I kind of...

I think for go one, I'd at least go solo. I mean, I trust my wife. Let me just tell her what she's, you know, that's fine. Do you know what I mean? It's nice to flesh out what's in your dream restaurant as well, Mike. We've got electricity pylons and a Chinook flying overhead. Yeah. Yeah, I very much imagined it on the sort of Wiltshire sort of armaments testing grounds. But revolving, right? It is revolving. Yeah. Yeah, sure. Yeah. Of course. Great.

He wouldn't want your grandfather to fly with you. What's that? Well, Charlie Buckethead has his grandfather. All right, my grandfather? Well... He's long dead, my friend. Yeah, but... But this is the dream restaurant, Mike. The dream restaurant. We can bring him back to life. But it's not the Necromancer's restaurant, is it? Can be. I'm quite happy. I mean, I miss him, but I'm happy to let bygones be bygones. That would be awful if you brought your granddad back to life and then he went immediately into the blades of a Chinook.

It's so great to see you. It goes... Happens twice as well, right? It's two razor blades. You get... Coarse mincing and then a fine mincing immediately afterwards. There's no grabbing back. Grandpa Tata. Flooding into the... Yeah. And then you're not getting sparkling water because I'm not a king.

I've got a mate called **** and I remember what, I've never forgot it, when we were at a stag do once when I was like 24, young marriage, it's ended now obviously.

I was going to ask how did it work out for the couple. I imagine it's relevant to the story. I'd like to know if it ended in divorce or not. I feel like if we just sat here in silence and watched you, you'd just tell us every single secret. You're a journalist's dream. Ian was telling us earlier that he's got to do promo for his tour like we all do.

And now we're having this interview with you, I think you should have a PR person in the room with you while you're doing the interview, because literally all they have to do is ask you one question and sit back and you'll have yourself cancelled in five minutes. Now, I hate to break it to you, but after BBC Leeds three years ago, that is what happens. His name's... No, wait. No, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter about his surname. LAUGHTER

Is this the groom? That was the groom, yeah. He got married at 24 and he said he got married too young and everyone's presents were shite because they were skint. That's why you shouldn't get married when you're young. Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is we're at the stag do and the couple next to us ordered sparkling water and my friend said... Whoa, his name's changed? No, this is another person in the stag do. So who's coming up, I guess? Does something, yeah. There's you...

so far. Yeah. I'm at the table, right? It's a young stag, loads of people, that's the one benefit of getting married young is loads of people come to the stag. Right. So we've got you, who else have we got on the stag? Who's there? Who's there, obviously. Fucking hell, how old's

Yeah, well, mate. He's 36 now. He works for ****. Actually, I can't say it. No, I can't. No way. No, can we actually take that out? Yeah, sure. Can we actually take that out? Don't complete that sentence in your head. That's worse. We can take out the recording, Ian, but you do know these people... No, no, they're fine. They'll forget. You know we don't have a Men in Black machine. We can't... Oh, I wish so bad we had Men in Black machines. So ****. There's loads of other... Do you want me to go for everyone? Yeah. **** in their name. ****.

Yeah. So an English one, but he's ginger, so it's allowed. So, he's self-employed now. I bet. Because he went on a stag do, but then he stayed in Morbea for a week after, and they sacked him. Is this a different stag do, or the same one? Yeah, that was a different one. Different one. That wasn't even math. So it wasn't this one where you... I don't even know that one. That was a friend of a friend. It's amazing that storytelling is essentially your career, Ian, because...

I'm more one-liner voiceover out of sight these days. So let's come... Right. He sees that the couple... It's not worth it. Long story short... Trust me, this has been worth it. Got annoyed that they'd ordered sparkling water. Yes. And they said, what has annoyed you about that? And he went, I don't know, I can't put my finger on it, it just annoys me. And then that's when my friend... Said, yeah, I bet they're going holiday in Dubai. So not worth it. Fucking brilliant.

So now every time I see someone drinking sparkling water, I think, oh, I bet you're going holiday in Dubai. Also, I just love that we heard about so much other stuff. And the story you've chosen is probably the least interesting night out you and your friends have ever had. We've had some mad ones, like...

But this was just so much. I still love it. And every time I see an Ethiopian stall, I'm just fucking there. There was a period we were writing ghosts and we were right next to a place where there were food stalls. And I just had it every day and never got tired of it.

But I would love to not have ever tasted it before. Can I ask a technical question about this? Yeah. So we can definitely do that. I think that Gina can do that. She can make sure you've never tasted it before. Hence erasing your memory of ever eating Ethiopian food. Yeah. So how are you picking it for your dream menu if you can't remember it? I'm going to tattoo it on my body. Yeah. Pick Ethiopian. And you think you can interpret that message...

Pick Ethiopian food. On the off-menu podcast. On the off-menu podcast for your main. Yes. I mean, it's probably more of a back piece. Yeah. I mean, well, I don't really need... I just ordered it, didn't I? And then I made your memory after. Do you want me to men in black you? So, yeah. I've ordered it up front, and then when the food comes, you erase my memory. So when the food comes, you go, what the fuck is that? Yeah.

Wow, the smell. I go, what's that? It smells amazing. Yeah. And then I eat it for the first time and I'm in heaven. Thank you very much. I'm going to be sneaky though when I erase your memory of the Ethiopian food. I'm also going to make it so you don't know who your kids are. Didn't say he wasn't an evil genie. Now I've listened to this podcast quite a lot. I've not known the genie to do that sort of thing. I'm mischievous sometimes. Yeah.

I think I'll remember them from the bread course. Maybe. Well, yeah, at the start of this, you said genius don't exist. So now I'm...

I'm teaching you a lesson. Okay. Shit. That'd be some good Ethiopian food, man. Yeah. Here's the thing, though. What you've said about Ethiopian food, I relate to 100%. It's so amazing. It's incredible. I've never had a bad version of it, ever. Every time I've seen an Ethiopian restaurant, it's always that good. Yeah. And the first time I had it,

It was, like, mind-blowing. Yeah. I was in Amsterdam. My friend took me there. It's, like, this place on the corner. And I remember, like, having it and being like, well, this is all I'm going to want now from now on. Yeah. It's so good. I don't know what it is. I think I just, like, there were foods that I'd had before that resemble some of those dishes. But the spice, the combination of spices is different. And it's, I just love it so much. The bread's wild as well. Yeah.

Yeah. Spongy, slightly sour bread. Yeah. Putting everything on top of the bread. Yeah. Because I've seen it in restaurants where you just get a massive bit of bread and everyone is sitting around the bread and everything's on top. And you all just get involved. I mean, that stresses me out in terms of sharing. Fair enough. If I'm doing that, I'm eating as quickly as possible to get to the middle of the bread.

I'm, like, just taking stuff from other people's stuff. You don't like to share, do you? No, no, no. You don't want to order your own. It's good food for a date as well, because you eat the bread, you go in. It's like Lady and the Tramp, but you just end up shaking hands. We're not going to go there, are we? Ed's manager's on the rocks. A lovely grape meal, thank you. So take us through what's actually on there. Well, part of the thing for me, this is probably an awful confession of ignorance, but...

I just love that. I don't really... This is the other thing I like. One of the things I like to do when I go out is order food that I can't make. Yeah. And this is definitely in that category because I couldn't even tell you what the fuck any of it is. Yeah. Again, 100% with you. Don't know what any of it is. There are like lentil-based stew type things. Is that a what? Is that a what? Is that a what? Is that a what?

There's definitely something called what. What? I think you're thinking... Europe what? Yeah, yeah. There's something called a what? And the bread is called injera, I know that. Yeah. Fuck, we really have erased your memory of it, haven't we? After that, I don't know. There's a cabbagey thing that's incredible. It's just all nice stuff. I should have probably learned a bit about it when I was preparing to pick it.

For a live podcast at the Royal Albert Hall. Dream side dish, Matt? This is going to be chips. Do you want me to erase your memories? You don't know what chips are? No, but I'd like you to reinstate the memory of my two dear kids. Here's the thing. I'm going to do that, but unbeknownst to you, I'm going to put two other people's kids in your head. You're going to think they're your kids.

If you want to give some honourable mentions, you gave a lot of shout-outs to the different breads earlier. Feel free to give a shout-out, because no offence to the other drinks, of course. Yeah, don't want to offend any of the other drinks. Give them some shout-outs. I never shouted out the bread that I've been making. No. Is anyone else doing Zoe? Yes, but don't tell the wine. LAUGHTER

Good stuff. The thing is, you're a great comedian and everyone's like, oh, James is so interesting, he does new types of comedy. But that is what you're good at. Proper comedy. Or musical stuff. Musical stuff. It's just a bit sexist, but in a fun way. Yeah. Well, most sexism is fun. Oh, no. I'm the one who's clickbait now. So...

Zoe, are you talking about the patch in your arm that tells you how your body reacts to different foods so you can then change your diet based on the spike in the blood sugar levels that you get from certain foods? Tell me, Jess, did you miss being diabetic? Because I'm fucking fed up of this Zoe shit. These fake-ass diabetics.

It is stealing the thunder of the diabetics. I'm not suggesting that I have any thunder from being diabetic, but it's quite difficult to maintain a blood sugar level as a diabetic. And I would argue that as a non-diabetic, you don't need a Zoe patch because you have what I like to call a working fucking pancreas. I agree with Ed, because I'm an ally. Are you doing Zoe? The thing is, Ed, as someone who had gestational diabetes... I don't have gestational diabetes. No, no.

Is that when it's just in your hands? It's fucking brilliant. I've got some diabetic gigs I can book you for with that sort of stuff, man. I've got ten seconds of material. You'd go down a storm. I don't think the catering will be what you're normally excited for, but... Yes, you have had gestational diabetes. No, there's no point now, is there? That's as good as it's going to get. LAUGHTER

But you are doing, are you doing Zoe? Well, because there's a thing where it's like, if did you get the diabetes because you are a bit more prone to it and then you're going to get it or, you know, did you get it and it's gone forever? You know, there is, was it the pregnancy that made you a bit diabetic? Were you always? Can you stop gesturing to me when you ask about pregnancy? I'm not pregnant. It's just the way I'm sat.

Anyway, I was curious and I did it and it did say I've got bad blood sugar, poor blood sugar. Right. Based on what you're eating. Based on, yes, but...

Even like I don't, despite what I've just described, I don't actually just go to McDonald's all the time. Only some of the time. And I think I am quite a healthy eater generally. But what I've realized is there's, you know, there's loads of stuff that I thought was healthy that isn't. And I now don't eat it as much because of that.

But bread is one of them. Yes. Bread will spike blood sugar levels. Yeah. So there's this amazing bread. Oh, God. Yeah. I cannot believe I'm talking about this, actually. Please. Especially during the drink course. This is a regressive shout out. You've gone back now. We've gone back to China and back to bread.

It's just that it's really... It really has been a revelation and I love it so much. Yeah, yeah. The bread you've made. The bread is... It's made out of seeds and it's only made out... It's just seeds, Ed and James. It's just nice to be included, I guess. It's seeds. It's psyllium husk. Chia seeds. He played Oppenheimer, didn't he? Oh, my... What is it? It's the fucking... Is this...

Is this the spirit of Brucie? His ashes are down there. If you're wondering what the joke is, Brucie's ashes. They're under the stage. Forsythe's ashes are under the stage. Did you not know that? Bruce Forsythe's ashes are under this stage. What? Yeah. That is true. People don't know that.

You can Google that. Yeah, that's true. That is true. Yes, really. You can keep on saying really. It is true. They were put there by request. It's not how he died. He wasn't trapped under the... He was burnt to death below the stage of the London Paladins. Fucking let me out! That didn't happen. He died, was cremated, and he wanted to be under the stage of the Palladiums. It meant a lot to him. So that's why I'm coming up with this. That's why James is on good form. Absolutely brilliant gear right now. So seeds, psyllium husks...

Yeah, look, anyway, let's just crack on, shall we? Okay. Your dream main course, Mike? This is quite tricky. Oh, I bet it is. But it does need some genie help. Oh, yeah? It'd be nice for you to finally use the genie in this meal, Mike. I've got a backup dish. If required, there's a backup dish. Great. But the main dish is... I want what they're having, please.

What I mean by that is when I do, I don't go out to restaurants very often and I do have a nice little time and I try and be a good boy and I try and be... You try and be a good boy? I try and be a good, brave boy and I try and, you know, it's important to try new things, yes? So, you know, if there's something I don't know what it is, I'll normally, I'll give it a go, that kind of stuff. And I'll make the order and I think, great, okay, we'll have a little experiment, see what that is and, you know, we'll just, you know, we'll just, I'm quite happy to buy a pig in a poke, basically, when it comes to a restaurant. A what?

I'm quite happy to buy a pig in a poke. A pig in a poke? A pig in a poke. Yeah? Yeah, yeah. But I'll order. Hang on. Well, I just assume it's a phrase. Well, yeah, but what? What? It's a well-established phrase, no? Thank you, ma'am. That's five people in 2,000. Like buying a pig in a poke. Just repeat the phrase by all means, mate. So normally you don't want to buy a pig in a poke, right?

It's how it would normally be used. Mike, we do not know what a pig in a poke is. What is a pig in a poke? Well, a pig is a standard pig. A pig is a pig. Got it. Not your cat. No. Who's called pig. Who's called pig, but a pig. Yes. And a poke, I think, was like a sort of bag or something. So it would be the idea of buying a pig. In a bag. In ye olden times. Yeah. I see. It must have been a problem at some stage.

where pig mongers were going around the place door to door and saying do you want to buy a pig yeah I'm interested in a pig how much for the pig, fiver here you go, it's in this poke and then they'd give you the poke which had some weight to it and you'd get in and you'd open up your poke thinking oh great we've got a pig now that's great news and there'd just be rocks there'd be rocks, there'd be some wet straw a third example please

A broken pallet of cereal bars. But there would have been a pig. And the pig salesman would be long gone. So the advice would be don't buy a pig in a poke. It's a cautionary tale. It would have been a cautionary tale and another cautionary tale that eventually became an idiom. But you're using the idiom to say you do want to buy a pig in a poke. I am assuring that advice, yeah. But you're comparing this to being in a restaurant

Yeah. And while you're in a restaurant, you will buy a pig in a poke. Yeah. So you will order something knowing that it is not what it says it is on the menu. And then it's a plate of wet straw. I'm willing to take that risk, yes. And I would also take the risk of if there was a main course where it was just, you know, mystery poke, you know. Mike has pronounced poke. Okay. Okay. Okay.

mystery bag of food, then I'd probably go, I'll go for the mystery bag of food, please. So you're just... Yeah, OK. I get it now. You mean you'll just roll the dice, have whatever comes. I want to be surprised. I wish to be surprised normally. But you don't want to be tricked by the pigmonger? No. I mean, in day-to-day life, no. But I mean, I'm willing to take the risk in a restaurant setting that I'm not going to be presented with a plate of wet straw. So...

But the first thing you said was your main course is you'll have what they're having. Yes. Even though you did specify at the beginning that you will be alone for this meal. That's true. But the there is what they're had. What they're had. I want what they're had. You want what they're had. I want what they're had. Because inevitably when I do order the thing, whatever the thing may be, like enough time has passed that you can't change anything.

But then almost every time I go to a restaurant, five minutes after the time has passed to change your order, like the kitchen doors are booted open. All of the staff have been corralled to deliver this dish to another table. And there are flames gushing from everywhere. Steam, smoke, sirens. Everyone's oohing and someone breaks out into the national anthem. It's that level of like the fuss.

You know, the sort of burning griddle pans, people with special gloves, all this kind of stuff is happening. Trolleys, things are on wheels, things are coming down from the ceiling. Spaces, like tables being kicked over to make enough space for this extraordinary dish and everyone's applauding and that's, I mean, I want that, what's that? LAUGHTER Yeah.

This is your starter, but you don't think it represents who you are necessarily. Salmon sashimi with pickled ginger. I thought for a long time about barbecue spare ribs from a Chinese restaurant. Because that is one of those meals that when the spare ribs come out, you're like, we're having a good time now. But you have said that about every food we've talked about. Yes, that is true. I love rocket. So I was thinking of like rocket and Gran Padano cheese, maybe. Just rocket. I love rocket.

Yeah, they have it on the sign. But, to be honest... Love Rocket sounds like a name for a dick or something. Go on. What I really want, as much as I like sashimi, salmon sashimi and ginger, what I really want is, like, a big plate of sausages. LAUGHTER But for the table...

That is, that's it. Yeah. You came alive when you said that. Yeah. Fuck this sandwich you're seeing me bullshit. Yeah, yeah. Big plate of sausages. You clearly want a big plate of sausages. We were in, have you ever been to Betty's Tea Rooms in Yorkshire? Popular. I've never been. You've never been? Have you ever been? Yeah. In where? In, there's four of them. There's. I thought, is it, was it one in Harrogate or something? There's one in Harrogate. Yeah, I've been to the Harrogate one. There's one in Ilkley, North Alfredton. I can't remember. York, maybe? York, right. York.

They're all in Yorkshire, yeah. That's the county. Big fan of your puddings in Yorkshire. Not everyone is. It's like a... It's a 45-minute wait to get in. Yeah. And it's been there since about 1911, so the waiters and waitresses are dressed like it's just before the First World War. So you love it, obviously. Yeah. Absolutely. You're dressed as a baby, scooping a good lot of a baguette. I was there at the weekend.

And my daughter had sausage, beans and chips and I finished her sausages. Because she'd finished, I mean, I wasn't... Look over there. Yoink. Yeah, yeah. No, it wasn't like, well, I paid for them, so technically they're mine. It was none of that. But they were really nice sausages. And after the second or third soft bite, I just thought to myself, why am I not eating these three times a day, every day? LAUGHTER

And then I thought, all right, then, I'll mention that for my starter. A big plate of sausages. A big plate of sausages. So what kind of sausages are these? Because there's a lot of different types of sausages. But these are bog-standard, straightforward bangers. Bog-standard sausages. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I will eat a sort of pork and leek, but really it's like a Cumberland sausage. The kind you would buy in a newsagent. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Newsagent sausages. But they're...

Cooked to perfection. Oh, yeah. So dark brown like in Fireman Sam. You know when Elvis is burning the sausages? Yeah. Just before the point he's at. Yeah. There. Those are the sausages I want on a big plate, but for the table. And do you want any sauce or does that get in the way of the sausages?

Ketchup. You'd like some ketchup, yeah. Yeah, so ketchup, but... Did you say Fireman Sam was making them, or did I mishear that? In the original opening credit, original opening titles, Elvis, who's very bad at cooking, is trying to fry some sausages and he's burnt them. Yeah. But he's actually not burnt them drastically. He's not far off. Yeah. LAUGHTER

So I think to myself, he's actually a minute less and he's basically made perfect sausages there. So I want a minute less than Elvis and Fireman Sam sausages for the table. But do you want Elvis to cook them? Do you want Elvis and Fireman Sam to cook them for your dream? Well, I think he'll fuck them up, won't he? So I want him to be there. So he can learn. But then for someone with a steady hand on the tiller to go, no, no, no, no, no, no. Now is that take them off now.

Was your daughter excited that you were doing this podcast? Oh, yeah. I forgot about this. I told her yesterday. How old's your daughter? She's nine. I said, I'm doing quite a big show tomorrow night. Do you know her? I said, yeah. I'm doing a live podcast with Ed Gamble and James Acaster. And she went, Ed Gamble? I said, and she's met James lots of times, right? I don't think you've met Ed. No, not properly, no. She went, Ed Gamble?

I said, yeah. She went, Ed Gamble. I said, yeah. She went, oh my God. Everyone at Brownies has got a crush on Ed Gamble. Everyone at Brownies. I said, I said, I said, what about James Acaster? She went, oh, he's been mentioned. Well, you didn't tell us that, did you?

He's been mentioned. Good to know I'm in the conversation. You're part of the conversation. Because she went on a brownie camp, but her tent flooded. So she was put in with much, much older brownies. Yeah. And they just talked about... She said it was boring. They just talked about sex and crushes and Ed Gamble. I love that you said they were much older brownies, as if that makes it any better. Don't worry, they were much older brownies. LAUGHTER

But you're part of the conversation, James. Yeah. Yeah. You are absolutely part of the conversation. I'm part of the conversation. Yeah, they're talking about it when they're waiting for their tent to be put back up. Yeah, I don't... Anyone here fancy James Acaster? That's me. Man, I absolutely love the brownies having a crush on you. Yes, yes. It's so funny. Very funny. You were in the conversation.

I remember that. I was in the conversation. Much appreciated. That's pretty much it for 2024, Ed. We'll be back in the new year with a new series and perhaps some more surprises. Who knows? And listen, if you come into the London Palladium shows in March, we can't wait to see you there. We'd like to leave you with an important message from Lucy Beaumont. Here's her gravy manifesto.

Because I really like, like, real deep, savoury flavour. Like, I really, really like gravy. No, respect. What's happened? What did I do? What did I say? No, you're fine. You can relax. You're absolutely fine. No, we're very happy with your love of gravy. Yeah. It's a troublemaker. What's gone on? The first half. Tried to suggest that the secret ingredient that would get you kicked out of the restaurant should be gravy.

We overruled it. We overruled it. It's not. The booze. You should have heard the booze in here. Oh, I bet. Oh, it's Northern. Yeah. No, but the thing is, since we've had a Tory government in power... I can't even think what that cheers for. Yeah. You don't even know where this is going. She might be about to say the gravy's got much better. No, that's... No, what I mean is, if you've noticed, gravy's got worse.

That's true. That's what Andy Burnham says as his whole campaign. Yeah. The change of pace there almost made my neck snap. That was... Yeah. Now, Lucy, I'm no fan of the Tory government myself, but I would be interested to hear how and why you think the gravy's got worse under the current government. Because gravy's love and... Hang on. Guys, this is the problem. This...

This is why the left's never going to get back on top if we keep just applauding platitudes like gravy's love. This might fly in Toby Carver, Lucy. So gravy's love. And people don't care anymore. Who are we talking about specifically? No, because we've been made to believe there's no such thing as society anymore. Yeah.

We've lost some important morals. Yeah. And one of them is making gravy. But gravy, in the good Blair years, before... Here we go. Before... We're talking pre-Erech. Before we were... Here we go. In those ones, it made... Things can only get better. Those ones where there was lots of short-start centres and...

The beginning ones. Yeah, yeah. The first few years, there was... I can remember you'd go places and gravy was like nectar. No, it was. No, because it wasn't... Now it's something... And it's about pride. Because now it's just... It's just mostly packet gravy. And what they used to do is they made the gravy... Yeah.

Get this. Weeks before they made the Sunday dinner. And just being at home, I mean, anywhere you went... Anywhere we went. Anywhere you went, the stock would be made weeks in advance. Yeah. And they would put offal... Not offal. They would put things in it that would condense down and down over time. Yeah. Oof.

But now you're saying, because of the Tory government... The Italians, right? OK. No, the Italians still... No, listen, when they... Oh, I'm listening. When they make a tomato sauce... Yeah. ..they don't get it out of a packet. No, famously left-wing government as well. But I don't mean that's not political. What I mean is, we...

Gravy, we should, we need to take pride in gravy again. Yeah, that's a good point to end on for sure. We do need to take pride in gravy again. Yeah. Can't wait to see Lucy at the next pride match. On a gravy float. So Lucy, I hate to push you. Come on, if you cut me, do I not bleed? I hate to push you 40 minutes in, but what's your starter?

Jesus Christ, it is 40 minutes in. Oh, God, I'm sorry. Don't you be sorry. No. That gravy monologue. Manifesto. Manifesto. I will... That will be... It's a manifesto. Manifesto. The gravy manifesto. The gravy manabisto. I will... Manabisto. I get the feeling that when I'm very, very old and maybe I have dementia, that will be one of the only things I remember. LAUGHTER

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