Shownotes Transcript
Huge news from off-menu towers, James. We've just added extra dates for Off Menu Live, the tasting menus at the Royal Albert Hall. We will be there on Sunday the 15th of March, 2026 at 2pm. Sunday the 15th of March at 7.30pm. It's on Sunday the 15th of March. Two shows, 2026. Tickets from royalalberthall.com and ctickets.com. Hey guys, have you seen the show?
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They're called Monday.com, and it was love at first onboarding. They're beautiful dashboards. They're customizable workflows that is floating on a digital cloud nine. So no hard feelings, but we're moving on. Monday.com, the first work platform you'll love to use. Hello there, and welcome to the Off Menu Podcast. It's a live one, James. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba!
Bonus! There it is. There it is, the jingle. It's a bonus episode. We did some live dates at the Palladium. Yes. Which is very exciting. Just standard episodes, new guests. New guests, standard episodes, live at the Palladium. We did four shows in three nights, James. It was wonderful. Thank you to everyone that came. We had an absolutely stupendous time. And now we're very excited to be able to share the audio versions, the podcasts, with the people who couldn't go.
These won't be coming out week to week, by the way. The last run of live ones we did, they came out week after week after week. No, they'll be popping into your inbox now and again. But this first one was indeed the first one we recorded. It was recorded on the 20th of March, 2025. And it is with the wonderful special guest, James. Rod Gilbert! Rod Gilbert!
wow rod gilbert one of our finest comedians yes also we were on taskmaster together yes you were but um that was fairly uneventful i'm sure we won't get i'm sure that won't come up rod is on tour now with rod gilbert and the giant grapefruit including a date at the event in hammersmith apollo in london on the 12th of june go to rod gilbert comedian.com for tickets you must do that yes uh
We should also explain, James, we picked the secret ingredient with the audience in the first half. We are not putting any of the first half stuff on the audio. No, we won't put really the first half, but they did help us decide the secret ingredient. If it was us, we would have just said grapefruit because his new show is called that. But he's had a lot of food in a lot of titles of his shows. And the audience went with...
Battenberg. So Battenberg is Rod's secret ingredient. Bear that in mind. Also bear in mind there might be some references in the live show with Rod to things that happened earlier on in the show which you will not hear. For instance, my intro to the top of the podcast. Sure. Yes. But I think we should just hear it, James. Yeah, I think we should just go in. Let's dive in. This is the Off Menu Menu of Rod Gilbert. Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast. Taking the carrot sauce of humour...
Adding the blue pasta of friendship. It's Halloween. That is Ed Gamble. My name is James A. Kessler. Together we own a dream restaurant and every single week we invite in a guest with us and their favourite ever start a main course dessert, side dish and drink. Not in that order. And this week our guest is... Rod Gilbert! Rod Gilbert!
Now, you all know what the secret ingredient is. Keep that in your head, and we'll see if we end up kicking Rod Gilbert out of the London Palladium. Which he would love to do, right? I would love to do it so much he deserves it for his despicable behaviour on Taskmaster. Shall we crack on, then? Let's crack on. Please, welcome to the... What? No, we don't do it like that. This is the off-menu menu of Rod Gilbert.
Remember that? It's only about 300 episodes we've done. And I'm not a listener. This is the author of Rod Gilbert! Right here, please, Rod. Oh, they're nice, aren't they? They're lovely. They're lovely. You all right, Palladium?
This is lovely. You should listen to this podcast, James. Yeah? Yeah, give it a whirl. What are some highlights? Give me some highlights of it. I think you'd enjoy it, is all I'm saying. I don't know. I've heard it, and it's good. Yeah? Yeah.
Actually, no, I think it's better than... I'm going to say... I'm going to... I mean, I did say this to you earlier when I arrived, but I'm going to go on a bit of a limb. I'm getting old and a bit sentimental, and I think the audience would appreciate it if I thanked you two for this, I think, the best podcast in the world. Correct. How lovely. Not tonight. Not tonight, obviously, but this will be the exception that makes the rule...
This is an incredible podcast. I think this will be the best episode ever. I think this will be the number one episode of Off Menu. There's not one person that believed that. Do you think you are getting old and sentimental, Rod? Because we were saying the last time me and James saw you was at a wedding and we'd not seen you for a while and you came up to me and James and you said, oh, you two have shot up. Yeah, that's because I am becoming what's known as a little old man. LAUGHTER
And that's what happens when you're a little old man, is the younger generation, they go, oh, you shot up. Last time I saw you both, you were in Cubs. I've got a question. Yeah, yeah. You know the booby trap thing?
The secret ingredient. The what? Secret ingredient? The secret ingredient, yes. Little old man. With hearing aids. I am wearing hearing aids. Yeah, the secret ingredient is that... Because I've never heard you kick anyone. I've never heard it happen. Right. It happened once famously, but I didn't hear it. Do I have to pick that thing or just mention it? Pick it. You have to pick it. It has to be on your menu. Pick it as one of my things. You can mention it and we won't kick you out. But if you pick it and it's in a dish...
You're out on the streets of London. Got it. And we're tearing up your train ticket home. Yeah. I will be, if I get kicked out of here, I mean, it took me six hours to get here. And I got out of my sick bed to get here. So if I get kicked out, I will be taking some fucking millennial with me, I'll tell you that. LAUGHTER
You've got to bear in mind, like, Rod lives around the corner, so it's very old and it takes him a very long time to walk anywhere these days. I'll be hitting you with my flat cap, young man! Banging you with my Zimmer! James, we should start properly, please. We need to do this officially, Rod. Oh, I've heard... I've always wondered what was going on. Now, Rod, we always give our guests during the live shows the opportunity to rub the big lamp if you would like to. I mean...
I mean, have you got anything more phallic I could... Yeah. Is that...? Whoa! Welcome, Rod Gilbert, to the drink restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time. Pretty cool. I'll be honest, I only remembered you had quite a bad cold when you were stood in the stream of dry ice that was pouring into your face. I hope that hasn't affected your lungs in any way. Yeah, it's perfect for a man with throat cancer.
By the way, that's not what I was referring to when I said you had quite a bad cold. Also, you're lucky that you don't get tick-ticked out for just saying the secret ingredient. We didn't think they'd go there, but that's what they picked for Oakhampton. Oh, shit! Are you much of a foodie, Rod, would you say? Am I much of a foodie? LAUGHTER
If you're doing this podcast about food, surely you should have asked me that before you invited me on. Benito doesn't let us talk about food with the guests before they come on. I'll tell you what I've done as well. I've got notes. We love it. Because I'm so forgetful. I'll tell you a bit about how forgetful I am in a minute. But am I a foodie? Not really, but I've come a long way. Rod, would you like me to remind you to tell us how forgetful you are?
Yes, remind me to tell you how... Because it relates to food, how forgetful I am. But, yeah, no, I'm not a foodie, but I feel like I've come a long way. I grew up in the 70s and 80s in West Wales. Yeah. Food in our house was... I mean, to be fair, like, my dad wasn't interested. My mother was working full-time, bringing up three kids, so food in our house was not exactly... I mean, I'll give you a few examples. Spaghetti bolognese. Lovely. Lovely.
In my house, when I was growing up, spaghetti bolognese was a tin of tomato soup, a tin of corned beef, stir it up, that's spaghetti bolognese. And I still have it to this day. You still eat it? I still eat it. Any spaghetti in there? I only found out it wasn't that when I got to college. Oh yeah, spaghetti, on a bed of spaghetti.
Corned beef, tomato, sheep, bonobo. My mother once, and my dad was very simple-tasted, a very grateful man, so he would always express his gratitude. My mother walked in once and put a plate of boiled rice in front of my dad. And my dad couldn't, he was very short-sighted, he couldn't actually see it, but his standard response was, oh, wonderful, fit for a king, fantastic. And then my mother went like this, she went, oh!
I've forgotten the ham. She came out with a fork and a packet of packeted ham and lifted out two pieces and draped it on top of the rice. But had he already said fit for a king at this point? Yeah, yeah, and he was happy with that.
So what did he think when the ham came out? Oh, it's just fucking mind blown then, mind blown. But he was very simple. Like if my mother was away or not able to, we had sardines on toast. That's what we had every single time. And we, if anybody ever came to eat in our house, right? So if ever we had, I guess, call them a guest. Yeah. Oh, we do that in England as well. Would you call them a guest as well? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Such an interesting culture as well. Tell me if I'm going too fast. LAUGHTER
So if we had a guest, somebody non-related, somebody not from the family, a friend, a neighbour, would come round. My mother would literally, under the table, go like this. She'd go, right, kick you, and she'd go like this. She'd go, F-H-B, F-H-B. And we all knew that meant family hold back. Wow. So there wasn't enough food to go round, so my mother would kick us and go, F-H-B, and you'd go, actually, I'm not that hungry, and just fucking leave it.
I'm not a foodie, but I feel like I've come a long way. Fit for a king and just pushing it across the table. Just not this king. Now, Rod, I believe that you're quite forgetful. Is that right? No, I'm not too bad. I am quite forgetful. It relates to food because, I mean, and my wife's here tonight, a lovely Sian is here. Hi, Sian. Hi, Sian. She's here somewhere.
But Sian, do we not say hello anymore? We've been backstage for ages trying to keep this guy entertained. And we're the same. I don't know if it's ADHD or just forgetfulness, whatever, right? But trying to make, I would say I've got a success rate on making a cup of tea is about one in ten. So I will frequently put a teabag in a cup, wander off and forget about it. Another 10% of the time I'll probably pour hot water on that teabag, wander off and forget about it.
Another 10% of the time I'll pour the hot water on. Remember I've done it good, pour the milk in, then one drop and forget about it. Another 10% of the time I'll remember it's there after a while and go, oh, this is cold now, I'll put it in the microwave to heat it up. And then another 10% of the time I'll go back to the microwave later on that evening, hours later and find a fucking cup of tea in there. Sometimes I'll put it on for another 30 seconds and then I've wandered off again and forgotten it in there again.
I'd say 10% of my cups of tea end in me successfully drinking a hot cup of tea. I love tea as well. It's a shame. That is a shame. That's a massive shame. I once, and Sian will testify to that, I once put, it was Christmas Day about 2016, I don't know. I said to my wife on Christmas Day, should I pop some mince pies to warm in the oven? Oh, no.
I'll just pop a couple of mince pies. Now, down in Wales, we've got an agar, right? You know, country living. Yeah. An agar stays on. That's the thing with an agar. You'll know that. I popped two mince pies in on Christmas Day. Charlie, can you hear me? It would be fucking crazy if she could have not, Rob. What I meant was, I guess that was a roundabout way of asking, can we hear you? Right. Uh...
LAUGHTER A very roundabout way of asking, can we hear you? Can you hear me? Yes, right, I can hear you. All good. Because we didn't sound check this, she wasn't here earlier. Anyway, I said, Sian, shall I pop a couple of mince pies in the oven Christmas Day around tea time? She said, that would be lovely. When did we find them, Sian? LAUGHTER May. LAUGHTER
May the following year, just to be clear. May 17, I opened the ark and there's two fucking discs. Two black discs. I'm going, what the hell are these? And then we worked backwards through April, March. They're the mince pies I popped in the oven on Christmas Day. So you're not doing a huge amount of cooking, would it be fair to...
Not in the agar. No, no, not in the agar. No, no, we've got other cooking utensils and equipment to do that. We've got a regular oven, hob. Do you want me to carry on? Were they award winning? Were the mince pies award winning? Were they award winning? Oh! Fucking hell, he is good. Ha!
He is good, isn't he? With the award-winning mince pie. Mind you, I can see... Got nothing from the audience. Yeah, that was... I thought it was going to take the roof off with the fandom, but instead I've actually inadvertently, and not deliberately, damaged your ego. I did a show many moons ago. 2008, I did a show called The Award-Winning Mince Pie, is what James...
A wonderful show, Rod. A wonderful show? Wonderful. Oh, thank you very much. A wonderful stand-up show. Oh, did you see it? Yeah, at Edinburgh. Went to see the Edinburgh Festival. Because you'd have been quite early in your... We were new comedians, and Josh Whitacombe said to me, have you seen the show Rod Gilbert's doing? I said, no, and he went, I would go and see it again if you want to go and see it. I went and see it. It was amazing.
Oh, that's nice. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. I shall take that in the spirit of a jester. I was watching it and I was thinking, one day, this guy's going to mug me off on Taskmaster. Let it go! He's going to ruin my life. Are we going there? Are we talking about that? No. It's going to come up, I'm sure. Yeah, it'll probably come up at some point, I'm sure. But, you know...
As you've already covered, since all the awful things you did, you very cleverly got cancer. And I can't go in too hard on you now. I'm just going to adjust my hearing aids up slightly tonight. No, I did say what you just thought I said. I always start with a little sparkling water, Rod Gilbert. Do you have a preference? Sparkling! Ooh, ooh. A lot of hate for sparkling tonight.
Some nice cheers at the beginning, and it just morphed into a boo. That was very few shows... It's the boos that will stay with me. Yeah, the boos. They'll be on the six-hour drive. Like any comedian, all I'm hearing really is the boos. No, Sparkling definitely... Partly because, and those of you who booed, this will get you back. This is one in your eye, boos. Partly because... I've been a big fan of Sparkling Water for many years. In fact...
Sorry to bring Sian in. Me and Sian have got a song about it. Get ready, Sian. When I was really struggling with cancer, I couldn't drink. Everything's disgusting, right? When you've got cancer in this area and you're having the treatment radio, everything's disgusting. I couldn't drink water. It's disgusting. Tea. Everything's disgusting except sparkling water. And that kind of got me through. All things sparkling. So Lucozade, sparkling water. I could still drink that. Nothing else. How are you feeling if you booed right now?
Yeah. Yeah. Sparkling water saved my life when I had throat cancer. Give us a poo! But years before that, it's only when I was thinking about this podcast that this occurred to me, that we have a song about it. Well, you're going to have to think about it. There's no way you're not doing that now. I mean, this is... I mean, this is like... This is the kind of marital stuff that nobody should ever have to share, really. And I think this is...
why me and Sian are together. Sian, if I sing the verse, will you do the chorus? You can't make Sian sing. Are you okay to do that, Sian? Give her a mic. Yeah, give her a mic. She'll try. She said she'll try. We're going to try. We have got a mic. Sian, you're the mic. Charlie's got a mic for you, Sian. Okay, now.
Where is Sian? Sian, where... Sian, are you down... Oh, good, she's there. I thought she was up there for a second. This is... That is not your wife. What the fuck has happened? This is Charlotte, my agent, who is sitting with my wife. Thank you, Charlotte. Okay.
I thought for a second there I had tumbled through the multiverse and not known it. I'm in a different universe where Rod Kilmer is a different wife. Can we hear you, Sian? Hi, guys. Sorry about this, Sian. That's fine. All right, I'm going to do the verse. Oh, my God. So this is the Sparkling Water song. No pressure on this, Sian, but this is the kind of stuff Benito usually clips up for the best of at the end of the year. LAUGHTER
This may be the kind of stuff. I promise you this will not be the stuff. Ready, Sian? Yes. Do you want to... She doesn't sound happy, Rod. Do you remember the words? I didn't know there was a verse. I'm using the word verse very loosely. OK. I'll get you. You'll know when to come in, all right? OK. Follow me for the changes. No, no prep done beforehand. Knew that we were going to ask him what water he wanted.
Can I just point out that we've had this song going for about 10, 15 years. Can you remember how it started, this song? No, I can't remember. I can't remember how or where it started, no. But there were other people I could ring, and we could put them on, and they'd do it as well. Wow. It's not just a thing with us. How big does this song start? I can't look at you while I do it. I can't look at you. Go behind the lamp. Oh.
Get in the lamp. Bit embarrassing doing the song, is it? Just a bit. Here we go. A fizzy water. That's what it is. That's what it is.
Wow. What do you reckon? Whole audience? Just your standard verse, chorus structure. That is it. Fizzy water. It is good. It's good. 15 years we've been doing that. You can keep that mic, Sian, if you want to get involved at any point. Thank you. Yeah, that's it. Problems or bread? Problems or bread, Rod Gilbert? Problems or bread? Bread. Lovely.
A lot of cheers there. No booze this time, I noticed. Yeah. They're waiting to hear if it helped you when you were in recovery. Trying to hear my workings out, though, on bread. Absolutely. Please. We're not just going to move on, Rod. I'll come to my winner. Yeah. There's a lot of the time tonight where I'm very indecisive, right? So have you done a tournament for the bread? It's a top five. Top five, lovely. Top five, Peshawari Naan.
Lovely. Nothing more to add? I think that's a lovely number five. I think some people would have it higher, some people might not even include it in the top five, but I think it definitely deserves a shout-out. There has to be a naan in the top five. OK. Four, and this is where I maybe should have done more research, but I think it's Turkish puffy bread. LAUGHTER
You think that's what it's called? That's what they call it, isn't it? Turkish Puffy Bread. Like a big puffer fish. Hasn't he been arrested recently? Those parties got crazy, man. Turkish Puffy Bread parties. Is that what he is now? Turkish Puffer Bread? Is that how he goes? He kept changing his name. And then he went to Puffbready. As if nobody would know who he was if he put Turkish on the front. Turkish Puff Daddy.
I know what you mean. I know the Turkish puffer bread. What's it called, the Turkish puffer bread? Pida. Pida? Pida. Who's making it, Tumnus? The one where you stick your finger in it and it goes... It puffs and angels... So just for the listener, you were pretending to prod the bread and then you became the bread. Yeah. I was playing both parts. You were playing both roles, yes. I was playing me in a restaurant, putting my finger through the thin...
Crusty, well, not even a crust, is it? Through the thin... What would you call it? Womb. I wouldn't call it that, personally, but I know... What would you call it? Yes, the finger in the womb. Yes, or hymen. Thank you very much, the lady in the audience. So you put your finger through the bread hymen. You put your finger through it. Yeah. And then it ejaculates. Oh, okay. Okay.
An angel's ejaculate of steam right in your face. Do you know the bread I'm talking about? I know the bread you're talking about. Yes, I know the one with the angel ejaculate. Come on! What's number three? How would you describe it, then? Yeah, I'm not the one picking you up on it. I agree. Is it like a fresh pitta? I agree with all of this. Have you been doing 300-odd episodes of this podcast and you haven't come across this before? Well, neither have you, clearly. You...
You know the bread I'm talking about. It's a big puffer thing. They do it on the clay oven. They bring it out. Benito's just put on the screen it's called balloon bread, but it's definitely not. Oh, balloon bread, yes. That's what the Turkish call it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what they call their delicacy bread, balloon bread. No, it is. Yeah, I've heard that. It's up like a balloon. It puffs up like a balloon. Have you not seen it? I haven't probably seen it. You've not tried this? I've not tried it, no. I mean, the way you've described it, I will never, ever try it.
Because it involved the words hymen and angel ejaculate. It's only at three anyway. At four. It's only at number four. Oh, yeah, yeah. Number three is a restaurant in New York called The Blue Ribbon on Sullivan Street in Soho that when you arrive, as an amuse-bouche, they give you a loaf of bread. Warm, homey, as you arrive, and it's quite a late-night vibe-y sort of... Does anybody know it in Soho in New York? One person. I don't know what the fuck they expected me to do with that whistle, but there we are.
Someone's lost their dog.
Anyway, so when you arrive, they give you a fantastic, vibey, late-night restaurant. When you say, as you arrive, do they take your coats and stuff first? No, no, they just, as you arrive, you know, like some restaurants might give you a glass of water or something. This, they give you a loaf of warm, homemade bread. It's quite a late-night, vibey place. I think they know you've probably had a few drinks. It's amazing. Anyway, that's number three. Number two. Yeah? Got to be in any list of breads, I think. Garlic bread. Yeah.
Butch, butch with a massive butt come in. Yeah. There is a big ass butt come in. Okay. A big ass butt? A big ass butt. Wow. A massive, with a capital B, kind of B that if you laid it down on its front, a thong would disappear up it. Do you think there's something sexual with bread going on with you, Rose? Balloon bread is the only one I would have sex with. Yeah.
We've never asked that question before, we should start. No, we should add that. Oh, it's the only one I would have sex with. That's, but, hang on. You said it's boiling hot, and it immediately deflates when you puncture it. Call me Mr. Common Sense, but I'd wait for it to cool down. But is it not going to subside if it cools down? And also, as soon as you make the hole, I believe it ejaculates. So it's done.
If you give it ten minutes, it's ready to go again. Stick a film on. But knowing you, you'll walk away and forget about it. August rolls around, you walk back in the kitchen, oh, I was meant to fuck this. Yeah. I was supposed to fuck this at Christmas. Oh, it's Sean, I was meant to fuck this bread in New Year's Eve, I was meant to fuck it. I forgot. Some garlic bread. Yeah.
The big butt this guy. Big. It's something that really winds me up about garlic bread. Yeah. And that is this. Give me garlic baguette. Give me garlic sourdough-y bread. Give me ciabatta, ciabatta, whatever. Give me a fucking breadstick with a bulb of garlic sellotape to it. Yeah. Give me one of those little breads that they have in church for the body of our Lord Jesus Christ. Yeah. Dipped in lazy garlic. Yeah.
They'd get more people in if they did that. But do not give me, do not fucking bring me a pizza-based garlic bread. No! No!
Do not, especially if I'm having pizza for my fucking men. Fuck off back through the fucking swingy doors. Yeah. Smash it in the chef's face. No, it's fucking outrageous. It is fucking, it is outrageous that in this day and age when you're having a pizza as your main and they come out with a pizza garlic really fucking winds me up. I'm 100% on your side here. Yeah, I agree.
Yeah, when it's pizza as the main and the garlic bread is also a little pizza, you're like, come on, guys. It's not even that little a pizza sometimes. It's almost the same size. And it's often, like, dry as fuck. And it's just, like, yeah, too crispy. Yeah, I agree with you, Rod. It's like seeing a trailer for the film you're about to see. Exactly. Yeah. I don't want that back-to-back. Nobody wants that. No. Nobody wants back-to-back pizzas. What did you think about Peter Kay kicking that guy out of his gig for shouting garlic bread? What did you think of that? Yeah.
That was actually Rod. He'd just come from an Italian restaurant. Yeah. It was not connected with Peter Kay's material at all. He was just really angry about getting a garlic bread pizza. He was listing all the garlic breads that he'd accept.
Didn't even get to the pizza-based one before he got kicked out. Well, I mean, you can come to my gig and shout garlic bread, as long as it's not that fucking pizza one. In which case, I will kick you out. We're at the number one now. We're at the number one, Scott. Oh, number one! Your favourite bread that I believe is going to be for your dream menu. This is going to be the one you have for the dream menu, is it? Yeah. The one I'm choosing, a bread, is a plain white sliced sandwich bread.
With the right amount of butter, no oils, no vinegars, no whole wheats, no granary, no seeds, no dusted in flour, no artisan. It is a sandwich-type sliced white bread with the right amount of butter, not a twirl of white stuff that looks a bit like butter. The right amount of butter on a normal slice of white sandwich bread. I don't... LAUGHTER
I could feel it bubbling. You could feel it coming. It was popping off little bits in the room throughout all of that with every detail you added. What? And it took one hero. Rod, you listed four wildly superior breads. You got us so excited. One of them came in your face. Because when I was in hospital with cancer... LAUGHTER
No, I wasn't. No, I just think, I mean, to be fair, it's best served with something like sausage, egg, beans and chips. When you get that bread and butter with that, that's not my choice for main dish or anything, but when you get it with that, I think that bread and butter there... Mm-hmm.
In that role, next to that plate, cannot be beaten. And I would have with it, if I could, instead of oils and vinegars, little bowls, I would have a little bowl of the stuff that would be left on the plate after that. So, like, a little bit of bean juice. A bit of bean juice or a little bowl of salt and vinegar. Egg yolk, maybe. Oh, winning them back. Yeah.
So you dunk the white bread and butter in the bean juice in the little salt and vinegar thing. A bit of egg yolk, maybe, knocking around there. Maybe a bit of egg yolk. To be honest, yeah, with it, instead of oils and vinegars, I would just have a side plate of where somebody, I was going to say where somebody had eaten sausage egg. It might as well be me. Might as well be me.
I've got somebody else's plate where they've just left and I want... So it's sausage, egg, bean and chips. Yeah, so the grease of the sausage, the bit of yolk, a bit of bean juice, a bit of salt. When have you eaten this? Last Christmas? Recently, but I wouldn't have to get somebody else to eat them. Okay. So you've polished them off. Well, just because I'd be too full, yeah. For practical reasons, I would have to get someone in.
And are you not, in that scenario when you've got the sausage and the beans and everything on the plate and you've got that slice of bread, are you waiting until you've eaten all this to get the bread involved? Because for me, I much prefer getting the bread involved as I'm eating everything else and getting it all in together. Yeah, I do as well, but I haven't gone for any sausage, egg, beans or chips in my menu. No, it's not too late to do that if you want to do it.
You could have it as part... Do you know what? Because you love it so much as an accompaniment, I would be willing, I don't know about you, of letting you have as your bread course sausage and beans with that slice of bread. I would, for your dream, let you have that. I mean, it would have to be a little... But if you're going to do that, I mean, there's just no fucking rules whatsoever. Poppadoms or bread? Sausage, egg, beans and chips with a slice of bread. Come on.
I do sort of prefer Rod's notion of just having the remnants of that and then wiping the plate, cleaning the plate with the bread. That is why you are on that British menu programme. We do have to have that. Absolute first time a guest has ever done that. That we've bent the rules for them so they have something nicer and gone, without rules, where would we be as a society? This is preposterous. I don't want that.
I absolutely love it. I think it helps to work within certain parameters. Yeah, no, you should work within certain parameters. I imagine a lot of the audience would get annoyed if we did things like that. Yeah, for example, if you had to find a satsuma in a sock. Oh, God. Man, you did so well. We're doing it. You put a fucking tangerine in one and claimed that that was you finding it. No, no, no. Then how is that even? That's not you finding where it is.
Let me talk you through what happened. Fucking turn this up. Let me talk you through. If you want to go there, if you want to go there, what happened was this. Put the satsuma, was it? Find it. It wasn't put. It wasn't put in the sock. Find the satsuma. It was find. Find the satsuma. It was find. Find the satsuma in the sock. I thought, ah, I know the satsuma's in the kitchen. Wait.
In the house, in the taskmaster's house, there's lots of stuff lying about. I thought, all I have to do is go in there, get the satsuma, pop it in the sock. When they then came out to the judging, I accidentally said tangerine. And fucking hell, the shit I've had for that. You wouldn't think it possible, the abuse I get in the street. Yeah. Do you know, when I was in hospital with cancer...
There was one nurse wouldn't treat me because she said... I was refused chemo because you... Horrible sarcastic nurse. "Mr. Gilbert, I know you wanted us to find the cancer." "But I decided I'd put some in there instead." "And accidentally stumble across that. Does that count?"
We couldn't find anything on your scan. With a little tweak, we've put a few lumps in. Five points. So that's what it was. I said tangerine, and of course, it was a tangerine. No, it wasn't. It was a satsuma I put in the sauce. But, you know, it is what it is. It's water under the bridge, I think. Water under the bridge. Yeah. You often say that, don't you, James? Sparkling water under the bridge, James.
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My dream a starter. This is where I need my notes. I got no idea. Oh, yes, I do. I'll tell you what it is. And I never have it. I never, ever, ever, ever have it. Big intro. I would never, ever order it. Okay. Intrigued to see where this goes, Rod. Well, I would never order it because it's never as good as I think it could be in my head. Okay. And it's going to sound shit. And...
It's gonna, I mean, it's gonna get booed like this. It's gonna get booed, but it's like, it's like, um, Parma ham and melon or prosciutto and... It's too... Yeah, I mean, I'd boo it myself if I was sat out there. But it's never as good as I think it could be, so I don't order it. So, on the Dream Menu, do you want... Exactly, so I want it to its full potential. I want it, I want it to its full potential. And I'll tell you what lets it down, it's not the ham's fault. LAUGHTER
What is that? What's up there? Ham. Ham? There's a lady up there called Ham. A lady called Ham? Yes. That's a pretty name. Yeah, it's lovely. It's not the ham's fault. No! No, it's the fucking melon's fault! Has to be, by process of elimination. Because the melon... The melon is never... Like, exactly... I'm obsessed with melon, right?
Although, I googled this before I came on because I had the wrong type of... I thought the melon I loved was honeydew. It's the orange flesh one. But it's cantaloupe. Yeah, so all my life I've got the wrong... I've called the wrong melon the wrong... Ah, whatever, shoot me. I've called the wrong melon the wrong melon. I've always thought cantaloupe was the one I loved, the orange flesh one. That's not... It's easy to say. No, it is. It's easy to say the wrong fruit name. Yeah, so honeydew's the...
It's easily done. It's easily done. I think what I have demonstrated is how easily done it is. Yeah. That's exactly what I've done, demonstrated how easily done it is. What sort of melon do they put with the Parma ham when you've had it in the park? So it would be what I think of as a cantaloupe. Yeah. The orange flesh. Yeah. Yes. Now that is never perfect. It's always like a little too hard or a little... But choosing a melon is difficult.
A ripe melon, the ripeness of melon. If you're in the supermarket and you've got to choose a melon. When I lived in France in the 80s for a year, I was doing a French course, and I was in France for it, and somebody taught me to... You've got to, like... You've got to find the... That's a banana. LAUGHTER There's no melon here. I just reached for the most fruit-like thing, and a banana... You've got to find... What is it? It's like the anus of the melon. G-spot.
Yeah, there's a spot as a G spot like a name on a melon one end of its got a little stalk And the other end it's like an anus. I honestly think you've got a real problem, Rudd It's gonna be a little bit of give on that. Don't look at me when you say that. Look at me. Yeah, yeah. Direct it all here. You don't want your thumb to go in. Yeah, but you want a bit of give.
A bit of elasticity. Yeah. And getting that right is really hard. And of course, you're not allowed to do that in a restaurant. If you say, can I have a little go on the melons anus? Well, this is the dream restaurant, Rod. We can bring you back to the kitchen and you can feel as many melon anuses as you please. In the dream restaurant, I'm imagining that you have someone who can, they can take all the anus work out of it for me and bring me the perfectly ripe melons.
cantaloupe melon with the parma ham, which I got no problem with. So they could bring me... I don't know whether I should tell you this. I mean, you've already... This definitely is not going in the podcast, I'll say that. You've just been prodding melon anuses for about five minutes. I can't imagine what you're about to say next that is going to get you cut out of the podcast. I... We...
Get your mic ready to defend yourself. I lost a piece of melon once. Yeah? That's all I'm gonna say. Was it about... about your person? Or about someone else's person? I can't divulge that. Is this connected with you being forgetful? No! It was just one of those... We've all experimented with... We've all experimented in a sort of nine and a half weeks way with food.
Don't tell me you haven't experimented in a nine and a half weeks way with food, Ed Gamble. Gamble by name. You've experimented with food in a nine and a half weeks way, James A. Custer. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. We've all experimented with food in a nine and a half weeks way. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Give me a cheer if you've experimented with food in a nine and a half weeks way. Wow. They all have. And at the end, we did a food audit and there was one bit missing. LAUGHTER
One of the bits of melon that was there at the start wasn't there at the end. I just love you starting by counting them all. Like an operation. I like to think that the melon was just resting in your anus thinking sweet revenge. That's what you get for prodding mine in the supermarket.
Disappeared. Gone. Gone. Nine and a half weeks later out it came back. I didn't. In the argument. Never saw it again. Never saw it? No, never saw it again. Hide no hair of it. Do you want that to be brought out at the Dream restaurant? Like someone from This Is Your Life? Yeah. Do you recognise this voice, Rod? I'm gonna fuck out of here! And you haven't seen the melon since that day. I believe...
Rod, your dream main course. Dream main course. Right. Context. Yep. I can't decide what to have, ever. Okay. Like, I really struggle with indecision and I get food envy. Maybe it goes back to FHB, right? Maybe that goes back to, like, there not being enough food to go around and you haven't...
But I can't decide. So if we're in a restaurant, I'll make excuses. I literally wander around. I'll make excuses to go to the loo. I'll make excuses to go and have a look at a picture on the wall so I can have a look at what other people have. I get terrible food envy. And I can never make up my mind. It's because there's a lot of stress. There's a lot of stress. When eating out is a big thing, you want to get it fucking right. So I want to get the best thing on the menu. I don't want to fuck it up.
And so I quite often order several things. Okay, is that what you're going to do today then? So that's what I would do today, but I would just take it... What sort of society would we be living in? I would take it a little bit further than I normally do. So, I've gone for... It might get a bit boring, but I've gone for... I think as you get older, you just crave spice. I'm now imagining being in a restaurant with you, and I'm so annoyed.
Because even now, every time you get to a point where you think he's going to say a food, you go, oh, just completely fucking ping off in a different direction. Well, next time I do your podcast, I'll just fucking, I'll print it out and email it to you, you prick. I thought you wanted a bit of chat around the food. Chat post food, Rod. Print it out and slide it across to you and then you can just fucking read it out yourself.
I mean, the day where we are able to do that, I can't wait. Just everyone signs up to a mailing list, we just email it to him, that's what he wanted. I like hot food, I like a curry, I've gone really boring, I've gone for a madrasa.
But and here's the but I can never make up under in the madrasa It'll say description of the madrasa one a thick hot spicy so on and underneath it'll say choose from prawn chicken beef I'm not choosing. I want all of the below so I want a prawn lamb beef chicken veg Madras Wow, that's pretty cool. Yeah, I
I like that every mouthful is a surprise. Yeah. Every mouthful. Well, I haven't worked out whether I want it all in one dish. Because the sauce would be the same, but they bring in different flavours, aren't they? So you almost want little separate dishes. I think I'd have to have a separate little bowl of each, I think. Tiny little ones, so then you can go and flex and say you've eaten every animal. Yeah. Any other animals that you want to put in there, Rod? No.
Well, I would have it with special fried rice, which has got king prawn, lamb, beef. Because I can't make up my mind what rice I want either. So luckily, restaurants have catered for that with special fried rice, which has just got everything in it. I like spicy food. And as you get older, like when I was in my 20s and 30s, I remember enjoying a curry or a chili or something, but I didn't like put Tabasco sauce on everything and add chili flakes to everything. I think as you get older, I don't know whether your taste buds just get a bit...
less effective or whatever. I find myself spicing shit up a lot. And this is... OK, after coming through the cancer thing, right? I won't dwell on this. I'll just keep it brief, right? But I was on a feeding tube for a long time and I couldn't eat and I couldn't drink and it was five hours in the night, seven hours overnight being fed through a tube. It's pretty miserable, right? So when I was better, you know, thank you, NHS and wonderful doctors, when I got better, I... APPLAUSE
I decided, I thought, well, you know, I miss, I'd missed food and taste and eating and, you know, I'd missed life. So I thought, right, I'm going to go and have a curry and I thought I'm going to risk, because I'd also had my gallbladder out, so I thought I'm going to risk having... Was that meant to happen? Eh? Were they meant to take that out? That wasn't part of the deal. But I, so I had cancer and then I also had gallbladder infections and things and gallstones, so I had to add that out as well, right, on top of it.
So I was in a bad way. But then when I came through it, I thought, I'm going to go out for a meal with friends, you know, which I haven't done, and I'm going to try a curry, which I haven't done. And I'm going to try a madras, which I definitely haven't. And I got through it, and it was fine. And I couldn't really taste a lot, but it was a nice evening and everything, right? And then the next day, I said to Sian, I'm going to take the dog for a walk. And then about an hour later, I walked into the house with Rosie, our dog, on a lead,
And I was completely naked. And Sean went, where the fuck have you been? And I said, I've been walking the dogs. But halfway home, I started to panic. Halfway home. And then I started running with the dog on a lead. And that's, well, I realize now, that's one of the worst things you can do. And five minutes from the house, I just exploded into my head. Right.
Into your trousers, yeah. And it was coming down my leg and... You know that scene in The Great Escape where they're just kicking out the earth they've dug from the bottom of their trousers and it goes out over their shoe and then my dog started eating it. I'm in the fucking road at this point.
So I... It's a quiet area, we live in a rural area, but... Thank God. I got undressed. Why did you get completely naked? I got... I took my boots off, they were ruined, I threw them in a hedge. Yeah, okay, you know what? Trousers in a hedge. I understand everything on the lower half you're getting rid of. By the time I'd got that stuff off, everything else was compromised. Right.
So the act of removing the stuff on the lower half tainted the top half. Yes, transference. Also, in Rod's defence, I think it was weirder to see someone with just a T-shirt on. Oh, this Winnie the Pooh motherfucker. If they're completely naked, I'd be like, well, that's a lifestyle choice. We live in a rural area. Just out walking his dog. But, yeah, someone with just a T-shirt on.
I threw all my clothes in the hedge. Just in the hedge. Great. And then... Do you have any name in the labels? I hosed, I got to the garden, hosed myself down head to foot with the garden hose outside kind of thing. And then came into the house naked with the dog still on a leash. And Sean went, where the fuck have you been? So that was my first madras back. So just to check, you want a madras for your dream main course? I know, it hasn't put me off.
Yeah, that's amazing that it hasn't been yours. It is amazing. That's reminded me of a story that I've heard about you, but never talked to you about, so I don't know if it's true. I think all comics tell each other this story because it's a funny story. And there's loads of stories of comedians having gigs that other comedians tell each other, but you never get to speak to the person that it's about. Which one is it?
You on stage at the Comedy Store. Yeah. And the story goes that you had been unwell. Yeah. You went on stage. Yeah. You shit yourself on stage. Yeah. And then you said to the audience, I'm sorry, I'm quite sorry, I am going to have to go. I've shit myself. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. No. You don't say the bit at the end. Is this how conversation works? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. No. Okay. Um...
I did, Charlotte who is my agent, still my agent. For now. Charlotte used to work at the Comedy Store and they were my agents but the reason they became my agents was, yeah, years ago, I was only doing 10 minutes at the Comedy Store so I was quite in the early days of my career.
And I had food poisoning, but it's the comedy store, right? It's a big, at that point, you know, it's like the gig everybody wants to get, wasn't it? It's a big gig. It's a big, you know, it's a big exciting thing. Your first 10 minutes, you get to try out in front of Don Ward, who ran the comedy store and everything, you know. And so I thought, I'm going to have to do it. I'm going to have to do it. And I went on stage and after seven minutes, yes, I had food poisoning and I shat myself in front of 500 people.
Didn't go down the leg and over the shoe. Front row starts eating it. Just sat myself. And after seven minutes, and you know how important it is. If you're doing ten minutes at the comedy store, they put a red light on for you at like nine minutes or whenever you've recorded. You get off at ten. I think I'd listen to my own. Not ten and a half, not eleven, not nine. You get off at ten, right? Seven minutes. I thought, I've sat myself. But I kept going. And I did about eight minutes. I thought, this is ridiculous. Come on, have some fucking respect. LAUGHTER
So I sort of shuffled off through the door at the back of the stage. And Don Ward, you know, the guy who runs the comedy store, he came back and he went, hmm, you only did eight minutes, my boy. And I said, I'm really sorry, but I've shat my trousers. I don't think I did tell the audience. But what did happen was I said, I'm really sorry, I've shat myself. And he went...
On stage, I went, yeah. He went, and you still did eight minutes. I went, yeah. And he went, have you got an agent? And he signed me up on the back of that, on the basis that I had persevered. I've been sat myself. And I've been with the same management ever since. Yeah.
I have another story to ask you about, Rod, while we're on stories. Is it another shitting myself one? It's not shitting yourself. It's food-based, though. Is it true that once you and Greg Davis were doing gigs abroad and you'd been out all night, you know, out all night drinking, and I think you were having breakfast maybe in a casino or a hotel or something. It wasn't a casino. It was a bar. A bar. And there was another man who you didn't know who'd also... German guy. Yeah. So this is true. Yes. Yes.
Rod, please will you tell the story? Well, we were in Hong Kong, I think, and we'd been... Sometimes those gigs can be a bit of a party city, and you're abroad and a bit giddy. And we went out to every night, and on the final night, we thought, we can't do it again. We're just going to do the gig and have an early night and stuff. And then somebody suggested having a sea breeze cocktail, which I think is like a lot of juices, pineapple and grapefruit and stuff. I don't know. Anyway...
Half an hour later, we were flying and ended up on the biggest night that we'd had. And it was about seven o'clock the next morning. And we were being quite, we were being quite sort of, I think there's one point we were spitting wine in each other's faces. It was all a bit, it all got a bit much. It all got a bit bawdy and a bit much. And we were just so drunk and so like, oh, and yeah, I can remember him leaning over me, spitting wine into my face and...
And then, yeah, a really vague memory of a German man who got... Every bar we went to, he was there, and every time we walked in, he'd go, hello, boys! All night. It's my only memory of this guy. And then in the morning, we went to, like, a bar that was also doing breakfast, and he was in there over a full breakfast, but just asleep. So his face was about six inches from the breakfast, and bit by bit, me and Greg just went up and took a piece. So I'd go up and lick a sausage, and then...
Greg would go up and like, you know when you see a cat in a cartoon taking a sledge, a ration of bacon out and it just sort of slides across the plate. And then you stop because you think he's going to wake up. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. And we took it and then he woke up and it was a completely empty plate. Yeah, happy days. Your dream side dish? Well, I am a big fan of potatoes. But again, I can't choose.
Dream restaurant, why should I have to? So if we go out, if Sian and I go out, I will frequently, and I do do this, I will frequently not just have two or three mains, but I will frequently have two or three sides. Right. So for example, I think the last place we went out was somewhere like Cote, right? And I will have a steak or something, but then I have chips, mash,
and patoto dauphinoise. So I will frequently have mash, chips, and potato dauphinoise. In my dream restaurant, I would lob in patatas bravas, something in Wales that we call tato flats, sort of thin, sort of pan-fried potatoes, maybe a little bit of garlic on them, maybe. So I would have five potato side dishes. I agree with you.
But no other kinds of potato. You've got the little pots of curry with different meats and vegetables. Yeah, I think I've got a special fried rice from... Ooh, we've got a song about this. Have you actually? Have you actually got a song about this? Well, we've got a song about a Chinese restaurant in Camarthen. Okay, can we just chat? I'd say someone saying, I've got a song about a Chinese restaurant never ends well.
We're gonna go to Magic Walk, we're gonna go to Magic Walk, we're gonna go to Magic Walk. You'll never guess which takeaway it is.
Is that the tune of a... I bet you Sian is joining in back there. We're going to go to bed. What tune is it though? Animal Hospital. It's the tune of Animal Hospital. Animal Hospital. Animal Hospital. Yeah. That's the tune. The theme tune of Animal Hospital. Oh. We're going to go to bed. Apologies, Sian. Magic wand. I think actually... That was actually in our wedding vows. Oh, what? That song was in our wedding vows? Yeah. Shit wedding, honestly. LAUGHTER
Rod, you just repeated that like you had no memory of it whatsoever. You're forgetful. You are in a home and she has visited you and said, that was in our wedding vows. What did I tell you? You, wife. Just completely naked again. He's a forgetful guy. During the wedding vows, he walked out and then forgot what was going on. Forgetful, I told you, forgetful.
I'd forgotten that song was in our wedding. Who, Sian, was it you or Rod or both of you who sung it at the wedding? We didn't sing it. Somebody quoted it. Who? The celebrant. The celebrant said, and do you vow to go to Magic Walk? We're going to go to Magic Walk. She said something like... We're going to Magic Walk. What was it? Do you promise to love each other forever even though you sing the Magic Walk song?
That's lovely. That's the sort of thing I'd remember, I reckon. Love you forever? Fuck off! I never said that! Are you embarrassing me in front of the old palladium? Give me a puffer bread. I'm going to shag it so I feel like a man again. You, bend over. You, pass me a melon. Bloody humiliating. What's your...
What's the best dishes at Magic Wok? Well, it's shut, innit? What an awful... It's not even still open. And also, it's not even my favourite restaurant in Carmarthen. My favourite Chinese restaurant in Carmarthen is the Kuang Yik, where I had my first Chinese food when I was a teenager. And that's your favourite restaurant? My favourite takeaway Chinese, my favourite sit-down Chinese. Now, that's a different question if that's why you're asking me.
My favourite sit-down Chinese, we call it "Happy Birthday Chinese" is 'cause they do a birthday, boy do they do a birthday. Every 90 seconds, a fucking birthday. Like planes into Heathrow, "Happy Birthday!" And not just the owners or the waiter, it is the kitchen staff come out, the place kicks off. I've been going there for 30 plus years.
Is that Magic Walk? No. This is Maxim in Northfields in London. Same two guys run it. They've been there since the 90s. Little Lloyd Langford and I used to go there back in the 90s when we lived around the corner. Still going. We still go there, don't we, love? She's gone. Still go there, especially on a birthday. They love a birthday. Plus, they've got a cake that is a unicorn cake that they bring out sometimes that is, well...
I mean, it's just a cake with a dildo stuck on it. It's not. It's not. It's a unicorn cake, but it looks like it. When they first brought it out, everybody thought, why are they bringing out a cake with a dildo on it? Oh, it's a unicorn cake, I said. It's quite sweet. That's my favourite sit-down Chinese. Why are we talking about this? Hang on, let me work backwards. Magic walk, song about it, wedding vows. Back before that, side dishes. How do we get onto this? My side dishes are all potato-based. Oh, man.
This is actually quite a tragic episode, really. I honestly have no idea how we... This is more confusing than Inception. Just going back through the layers and trying to find how the hell... It's like Memento, isn't it? It is like Memento, yeah. All other Christopher Nolan films. You said you were going to have fried rice as well, Rudd. Oh, yes! I think I... Yes, I got it. I got this, everyone.
So I'm going to have a plate of special fried rice, probably from Maxim's. I'm sitting down. Probably from Maxim in Northfields, near South Ealing in West London. Then I'm going to have a little pot of prawn madras, beef madras, lamb madras, chicken madras, veggie madras, with a side of chips, skin on and fries, mash, potato dauphinoise, patatas bravas, tato flats. I like that. Lovely.
There's quite a busy table. It is a busy table. Luckily, they've got a lazy Susan in, Maxim. I can just keep it going. Would you like it to be someone's birthday if you're in Happy Birthday Chinese? It's always someone's birthday in Happy Birthday Chinese. Whose birthday would you like it to be? I feel like I've got to say yours now. I don't think you do. I would like it to be my lovely wife, Sia. Love you forever, baby.
Love you forever, darling. We do go there every birthday. I was going to say once a year. So you go for your birthdays as well? Yeah, we do go for my birthdays. But we were last there on Sian's birthday. Do you go there twice a year? You go there twice a year? We go there more than twice a year. We go there whenever there's a birthday. But only once per birthday. Because we don't just go there for my birthday. He said once a year before. No, we go there once a year for Sian's birthday.
Once a year for my birthday, and then sometimes other people. I wasn't... No one thought you were going there twice a year for Sian's birthday. That would be fucking insanity, Rod. Time for visit two. Happy birthday, Chinese. So you go once a year for Sian's birthday. Yeah. Once a year for your birthday. Yeah. Any other times? Yeah. Are they people's birthdays? Yeah. Whose birthdays? Well...
Lots of our friends, Greg, for example, they also enjoy it now. Once I took Lloyd Langford, who I'm not sure if you know Lloyd Langford. He's a great friend of ours and a wonderful comedian based in Australia. But I once took him there. It wasn't his birthday, but we told him that it was. That fucking...
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That's hard. It's too hard. Yeah. It's too hard to have one drink that goes with all the courses. Yeah. Can I have a drink with each course? Yeah. Yeah, we've let people do that before. We've done it before when we chose our menus. Aperitif, sea breeze to get me in the fucking mood. Yeah. If I'm going to eat this hot, I am going to need some energy from somewhere. And that stuff, Red Bull nicked it, gives you wings. Sea breeze gives you wings and...
Crow's feet. Sea breeze gives you wings and... That's how crazy it is. And crow's feet, yes. Wings and crow's feet. That's how much you fly when you're on sea breeze. How much do you think the feet are the thing helping the crow fly? There's less wind resistance with crow's feet than there are with a big old pair of trainers like that, for example. Yeah, you think about that. I can't argue with that. If a crow was wearing my trainers, it wouldn't fly as fast. Good luck flying with them on, Ed. LAUGHTER
You stick them on a crow and see how well it flies. Yeah. I'm sorry, Ed, do you think you're going to fucking fly? Because you're not, not wearing them. Well, you think you can still fly with them on? You're fucking dreaming. You're fucking dreaming. You are dreaming. What are we talking about? Hello, welcome to Fly. The sea breeze gives you wing... I wish I could fly. It's these fucking trainers. And they're garish. They are garish, yeah.
They're garish. That's the crow talking. Don't shoot the messenger. Yeah, that's his crow character. The crow says some very mean things. You'll have to forgive the crow. What colour are a crow's feet? What colour are a crow's feet? Purple. Morve. Morve? Morve. I said purple. He looked at me like I'd got it slightly wrong. So I went for morve. I don't know what colour a crow's feet are. Crimson. Crimson, thank you.
It's quite garish. Crimson, yeah. Rod, you wanted a sea breeze because it gives you wings. Sea breeze, aperitif. Aperitif. Then, what are we on to then? Sparkling water throughout, please. Yeah. A fizzy water. What's next? Starters? Yep. Forget it, I'd be too busy looking for the melon. Already, this is absolutely pointless, this happened. Never before. Can I have a drink with every course by the starter? Forget that. Don't want that. Actually, probably not one for my main either.
I've got more important things to worry about. What was next? Mains? Or like a cobra or a kingfisher with a curry? Yeah, kingfisher. Which one though? That's an important choice, the cobra or kingfisher. I can't tell the difference. Is there a big difference? Between a cobra and a kingfisher? Don't think a cobra can fly, mate. It doesn't even have feet. Cobra. Cobra, lovely. Yeah, good on you. Is that the right choice? I love cobra so much. That's the curry done. Oh, that's it, so we're up to... So you've had one drink?
You've basically added one extra one. Sea breeze. You've had a sea breeze and a cobra, that's all. Sea breeze, sparkling water, cobra. Sparkling water you already had in the water course. So is the cobra your dream drink or do you want to add another drink? God, that's a difficult question. Can't I have a dream drink with each course? Have I misunderstood the... It's people walking out. I'm going, fuck. Fuck this.
I did not pay to see somebody try and grasp the concept! See you, Sian. Love you forever. I didn't understand the question. No, I think you're fine, because you wanted a drink with every course, so we're fine, we're sorted, apart from starter. So we've got the sea breeze, we've got the sparkling water, and we've got the Cobra. Yes, I don't want a drink with my starter. Yeah, lovely. Fine. Yeah, no, we all remember that one. Jesus, you're forcing drinks on people!
You're basically... Don't worry about people who force drinks on people, Ed. You would like it a pair of teeth, is what you mean? Yeah. Oh, no, because I'll have a different drink with my dessert. Oh, yeah, so that's something to look forward to. When we eventually get to dessert. Yeah, when we eventually get to dessert. Should be any time now. Why is your dream dessert? Might as well. Instead of when people are leaving for their trains, we should probably say the dream dessert while we're here. If it would help people with public transport, I can skip dessert.
No. They won't be able to sleep tonight. Some people have flown here from America. What? Your dream dessert, Rod Gilbert. Honourable mention. Honourable mention to Affogato. Lovely. And Adam Blanche.
What? A pardon? A dame blanche. I don't know what that is. It's like a French ice cream dessert with vanilla ice cream and hot chocolate sauce. Very simple, but done well. Very good. It would have been, two years ago, it would have been a really nice rice pudding with a skin. But it's been ruined for me. Because this is gallbladder related. Not me this time. Worse?
Yeah, so much worse. Where's this going? Someone else's gallbladder has ruined food for you. So, context, couldn't eat, couldn't drink, being fed by a tube, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, in hospital, eventually had my gallbladder out, was able to eat again. Day one of being able to eat, I ordered in the hospital a lovely rice pudding, but I was on a gastro ward with approximately 35 people all with dicky tummies.
So my rice pudding arrived and I was happily eating away. And then the guy, whose name I won't mention in the bed next to me, pulled his alarm thing and nurses ran over, whizzed the curtain round and I didn't see what was happening. But when you're one metre away from three people lifting a man onto a commode, you don't need to see much. And that man...
That man absolutely just... You know that Dumb and Dumber? You know that scene in Dumb and Dumber? Yeah. I was eating my ice cream and all I could do, I could reach out and put my hand on his shoulder through the curtains. All I could hear was... Why was he screaming for the nurse if she was there already? It was squealing, screaming and the most prolonged... You wouldn't think that it was possible...
to fart for that long without any... So I... I was in the middle of my rice pudding. This is one metre away. When you say fart for that long with no... Well, without the noise stopping. Okay, I thought you were saying there was no shit. I didn't start timing it. I wish I'd started timing it at the start. I thought you meant he was just farting. No, no, no. He was on a commode, but exploding.
But with one sustained noise. Where that can is. But there was just a curtain between us and I was sitting in my chair with this rice pudding. So I grabbed my UV, my IV, not UV. You wanted to see if there was anything else. I grabbed my IV drip and took my rice pudding and shuffled out and went in, out of the ward, into the corridor and I ducked into the toilet where I ate my rice pudding. LAUGHTER
Standing up not in the cubicle just standing leaning against the sink just like my rice pudding Can you see yourself in the mirror at this point as well? I had my back to the mirror. Okay, and then when I came out I finished the rice pudding was quiet and there was nobody else in there It was great. And then when I came out Immediately to the right of where I was it was like a day room with the comfortable chairs and a TV on and people watching people eating rice watching barking until whatever there was
So it's not rice pudding. No, no, God no. Weirdly... But was that an honourable mention? No, it didn't get an honourable mention. Yeah, it didn't feel very honourable. I said two years ago it would have been rice pudding. Honourable mention, Affogato and Dan Blanche. My winner, and I'm going to have to read this because I've wrote it down. I'll tell you what, I would say that if I'd experienced that story you just told, Affogato and Dan Blanche would be out too. My winner...
I don't know if anyone's going to have heard of this. Give me a cheer if you've heard of this. It's Torija de la Bajería con helado de mantecado. Have you really? Someone else over there. No. Someone over there has? Torija, sí. Where? Story checks out. Don't get cocky. Where in Spain? You live in Malaga? You've flown here just for this gig? Is anyone here from England? You're here for all four of them?
You sad fucker. Sorry, I'm out. Thank you, we appreciate your custom. I mean, thank you, you're welcome. You came on your own as well. Obviously. Don't worry, Rod won't be here tomorrow. Hey, Juan, Juan, do you fancy flying over to the UK to watch the same show four nights in a row? No. Rod, it is not going to be the same show tomorrow night, mate. You know you're not back. You know what I mean. You know what I mean. Torija. Same. Did you like it? Loved it. How would you describe it? French.
That person was kicking off at the back. What? It's like, it's like, it's like, it's like a... Eggie? Right. I printed, I googled it because I wanted to know what it was. It's the best thing I've ever experienced. Okay. I had my... Sorry, Sian. Those vowels go down the toilet pretty fast. Sian was there too and she would agree that it's the best thing she's ever experienced. Would you not, Sian? When was this? Uh-oh. Uh-oh.
Right, listen, listen, there's a problem here. You don't, you're not recognising the name Torija, but if I said to you that kind of bread and butter pudding we had in Alicante served in a cow. Sing the song. Was it the thing, was it served in a cow? The one that was served in the China cow. Yeah. Yes. Okay. Not ringing any bells, Rod. Yeah, that was really nice.
It was served in a china cow. Really nice. Yeah, she doesn't... What we've established tonight, Rod, is that you and your wife share no happy memories. We went to Alicante. We went to a restaurant called La Taberna del Gourmet. I will pay for you both to go there to try this thing.
It's a bit like... Sorry, what? It's a... Yeah, I will. I will. Don't listen to Sian. It's quite nice. It's not quite nice. It's like... This is what it is. It's stale bread soaked in citrus... You'll pay for us both to go there. I'll pay for you both to go there to try this dish. Okay. I will pay for you to go there, hotels, try this dish, and you will come back, and you will, honestly, you will never be the same again. Rod, you know we've shut up. We make our own money now.
I know, but I want you to try it on me, a gift. Thank you. A gift. This is what it is technically. Stale bread soaked in citrus-infused custard slash milk. Fried and sweetened. It's sort of a cross between fried bread, creme brulee, bread and butter pudding, French toast. It is fucking... And the one I had, we had, was served in a china cow, right? With a little pail hanging off its horn.
And the ice cream was in that. Helado is ice cream, so it's con helado de mantecado. Mantecado is like a egg-based, custardy, vanilla-y, nutmeg-y, cinnamon-y ice cream. It is fucking mind-blowing. Yeah, that's the most beautiful. It is quite nice. Quite nice. We raved about that dessert. We had a song about it. It is the most remarkable thing I have ever had in my mouth, and I've had mouth cancer.
Well, I hope you gave the chef that compliment. I said, this is the most memorable thing I've ever had in my mouth, and I've had mouth cancer. Gracias. Well, I've had... I think I've had this. I didn't know it was called this, but when I was in the Basque Country, I had basically exactly what you've described, but with a different type of ice cream, and it was my dream dessert when we last did our dream menus. It was your dream dessert? Yeah. It's amazing. The...
I just said it was the French toast that I had in that place, but it was like brulee on the outside. It was definitely like soaked in like a lemony thing in the middle. It was like scooping ice cream, the French toast. It was so soft and smooth. It's incredible. There's footage of me eating it with Joe Lycett, and both of us are dancing as we're eating it, not trying to be funny. It just is making us do that. It wasn't served in a cow, which I'm gutted about now to discover that that was an option, but...
I agree, it's phenomenal. And apparently that place, because I shouted it out on the podcast, obviously Joe and I went there for Travelman, and some friends of mine went there to have the dessert when they were on holiday. And as they were ordering it, the waiter was like, and they went, you all right? And every English person fucking orders it. It is. Because of that Travelman show, they keep on coming in and ordering this, we keep making it all the fucking time.
That's why it's so good. That's why I said I would like to... I'll pay for you all to go there and try it. I will. We're going to Alicante! What an end to the show if we go to Alicante. Another trip for you guys? That'll be the highlight of that one. Yeah. The whole plane is there. Stess comes down going, what would everyone like to drink? Fizzy water! It is...
You will just ejaculate immediately. Fantastic. Like an angel. The whole restaurant was. Everybody was just ejaculated everywhere. Wowee. Everyone. And you don't remember this, Sian. How do you not remember the... You remember the restaurant with the arcs of spunk and everything just... It was like that tomato festival but with spunk. Sounds memorable. And you don't remember it.
Bloody hell. Do you remember this? She just said it was quite nice. It isn't quite... It's... I cannot express to you how wonderful it is. Also, with it, I would have a jug... I would have a pint of cream because...
A pint. A pint of... When I was a teenager, I used to go... My first girlfriend and I, when we were... Just in that teens where you start to drive, you get a bit independent, you start to go out for meals together rather than with your family. And we were both really into cream, doesn't it? LAUGHTER
And with everywhere we went, whenever dessert, we would order like a jug of cream with it. And I still absolutely, I'm obsessed with cream. Any cream. Whipped cream, single cream, double cream, sour cream, creme fraiche. You name a cream, I love it. Squirty, anything. Sun cream? Yeah, sun. Listen, I'm right behind sun cream. And is the pint of cream your drink that you're having with the dessert? Is there a what, sorry?
Sorry, it's my urinate, sorry. Oh, we know, but it's still funny. Or is the pint of cream... The drink that you're having with the... No. No. No, it's not. He's asking you about the drink, Rod. Bruce Forsyth is married here, you know? What drink would you like with the dessert? My old school chum. Prefects together we were, me and Brucey.
I'm going to read your menu back to you now, Rod, and see how you feel about it. By the way, the drink with dessert is two bottles of Baileys and a bag of ice. Anyway. A bag of rice. A bag of ice. And what are you fucking doing in there? A bag of ice. A bag of ice, dear. What was a bag of rice? I thought your mum was making it.
Fit for a king. You would like sparkling water. You would like plain white sliced sandwich bread with the right amount of butter and a little bowl of the stuff that's left on the plate. You would like parma ham and the perfectly ripe cantaloupe melon.
Looking forward to hearing you do the dessert, James.
Let's really hear it as well. Drink. A sea breeze as your aperitif and a cobra with your curry. Dessert. Here we go. Quiet, everyone, please. Toraja. No. Torija. No. Torija. No. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Tor
From La Taberna del Gourmet in Alicante. You know, I said I'd like to fly you both there. Yeah? Can I definitely come with you? Fuck me, I want to hear this abroad. Absolutely, Rod, you can come with us. And you'd like a pint of cream with that, and two bottles of Baileys, and a bag of ice. The off-menu menu of Rod Gilbert. Rod Gilbert!
I think it's a fantastic menu, Rod. The only person who's picked a main course that made them violently shit themselves. Yeah, it's interesting that that didn't put me off, but the guy in the next bed having diarrhea did put me off rice pudding. Interesting, that. Give it up for Rod! Thank you for coming, everyone. Bye-bye. Thank you. Bye-bye. See you tomorrow. Bye-bye. Thank you very much. Thank you so much. You've been brilliant.
There we are, James. What a night that was with Rod. What an absolute treat. Thank you so much, Rod, and thank you to the audience as well. Yes, thank you, Rod, for not saying Battenberg. We could keep you on the Palladium grounds. Yes. And it gives us an opportunity to remind all of you listening that Rod is on tour now with Rod Gilbert and the Giant Grapefruit, including a date at the event in Apollo Hammersmith in London on the 12th of June. RodGilbertComedian.com for tickets.
But he's not the only one doing live shows, James. No, we are as well. We're bringing Off Menu Live, the tasting menus, to the Royal Albert Hall in London in March 2026. Go to offmenupodcast.co.uk for dates and tickets. I'm buzzing, James. I'm buzzing for the Royal Albert Hall shows. They're going to be cray-cray. But if you just want another taste of us live, we are releasing the rest of the Palladium shows on the first Monday of every month in the order that they were recorded. So, stay tuned.
Stick around, because in May, on Monday the 5th of May, Julie and Clary, baby. Oh my God, it's the coolest thing ever. Hey guys, have you heard of Goldbelly? Well, check this out. It's this amazing site where they ship the most iconic, famous foods from restaurants across the country, anywhere nationwide. I've never found a more perfect gift than food. They ship Chicago deep dish pizza, New York bagels, Maine lobster rolls, and even Ina Garten's famous cakes. Seriously.
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