Shownotes Transcript
Huge news from off-menu towers, James. We've just added extra dates for Off Menu Live, the tasting menus at the Royal Albert Hall. We will be there on Sunday the 15th of March, 2026 at 2pm. Sunday the 15th of March at 7.30pm. It's on Sunday the 15th of March. Two shows, 2026. Tickets from royalalberthall.com and ctickets.com.
Optimize your nutrition this year with Factor, America's number one ready-to-eat meal service. Factor's fresh, never-frozen meals are dietitian-approved, ready to eat in just two minutes. Choose from 40 weekly options across eight dietary preferences like Calorie Smart, Protein Plus, and Keto. Eat smarter at factormeals.com slash listen50 and use code listen50 for 50% off plus free shipping on your first box. factormeals.com slash listen50. Code listen50.
Want a workout that actually works? Hydro delivers a full body workout that hits 86% of your muscles in just 20 minutes. Rowing with Hydro combines strength and cardio with thousands of workouts led by Olympians in breathtaking locations. No wonder nine out of 10 members are still active one year later. Try Hydro risk-free at hydro.com and use code row to save up to $475 off your Hydro Pro Rower. That's H-Y-D-R-O-W.com. Code row.
Instacart is on a mission to have you not leave the couch this basketball season.
Because between the pregame rituals and the postgame interviews, it can be difficult to find time for everything else. So let Instacart take care of your game day snacks or weekly restocks and get delivery in as fast as 30 minutes. Because we hear it's bad luck to be hungry on game day. So download the Instacart app today and enjoy $0 delivery fees on your first three orders. Service fees apply for three orders in 14 days excludes restaurants.
BetterHelp Online Therapy bought this 30-second ad to remind you right now, wherever you are, to unclench your jaw, relax your shoulders, take a deep breath in and out.
Feels better, right? That's 15 seconds of self-care. Imagine what you could do with more. Visit betterhelp.com slash random podcast for 10% off your first month of therapy. No pressure, just help. But for now, just relax. If you're a lineman in charge of keeping the lights on, Grainger understands that you go to great lengths and sometimes heights to ensure the power is always flowing.
which is why you can count on Grainger for professional-grade products and next-day delivery so you have everything you need to get the job done. Call 1-800-GRAINGER, click Grainger.com, or just stop by. Grainger, for the ones who get it done. It's a nut. Oh, okay. Just go ahead and do it, man. I'm getting ready. Go on. I'm getting ready. Do it. Just go straight in.
boulders it's a i can't do it as well as you i'll let you do that one um it's a live episode of off menu from the london palladium recorded 21st of march 2025 very excited yes our special guest is the wonderful julian clary a true national trash a wonderful night we're honored to be uh
On Julian's turf, really. The Palladium performs there a lot, just the panto there. We're very honoured to share the stage with Julian. Now, obviously, it's another one of the shows, the live shows, where there'd already been a first half. We'd talked to the audience a bit. So maybe we'll back-reference some stuff. It won't make total sense, but it'll still be a laugh. It'll still be a laugh. It mainly makes sense. I would say that my intro at the top
of the live shows does relate to a menu of the audience members in the first half. So if you're like, Ed's lost his mind. Yeah. I haven't in context that is actually great. The audience also helped us choose a secret ingredient for Julian as well. And if Julian says the secret ingredient, as in if he includes it in his menu, we would have kicked him out of the palladium. Yes. Could you believe that? You can't kick Julian out of the palladium. You can't do that. You can't do it. Mint. Terry's Chocolate Orange. Mint.
Yes. I didn't even know there was a mint version. Yeah, they're not popular, I don't think. And it was a popular secret ingredient choice in the room. I think it was a good one to go with. Will Julian say mint Terry's chocolate orange? Hopefully not. But Julian is on tour now with A Fistful of Clary, including a date at the London Palladium on the 17th of May. So for tickets, go to julianclary.co.uk. Well, let's get on with it. This is the off-menu menu of Julian Clary Live at the Palladium.
Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast, taking the soft-serve ice cream of conversation, adding the tongue of a dying man, who you hate, of humour. Sort of no other elements to that, really, are there? No, you really went all in with the details. It's a dying man, soft-serve ice cream at McDonald's podcast! CHEERING
That is Ed Gamble. My name is James A. Caster. Together we own a dream restaurant and every single week we invite in a guest. We ask them their favourite ever start, a main course dessert, side dish and drink. Not in that order. And this week our guest is Julian Clary! CHEERING
You all know Julian Clary. You love Julian Clary. He's absolutely fantastic. A national trej, James. A national trej, and you all know the secret ingredient, the opposite of a national trej. Yes. So keep that in your head, and if it comes up... I mean, we haven't had to do this in a live episode, but...
We're going to kick Julian Clary out the Palladium. We've never had to do it properly face-to-face, have we? Only once on a Zoom episode. Yes, so, you know, we'll see what happens if it happens. Yes. Fingers crossed it won't. I mean, Julian is at the Palladium so often, I think we would be the ones who have to leave. And rightfully so. Kicked out like Fred Flintstone. Yes. You know? Yeah, I know. I know. It's them who don't know, mate. They're the ones not backing you on. No, they don't know Alex Mack. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. LAUGHTER
This is the off-menu menu of... Julianne Clary! Well, what a thrill. Thank you. It's a thrill for us, Julianne. You look fantastic. A lovely outfit. What a lovely outfit. Yes, well, it wouldn't do for us all to be the same, would it? Just goes to show we do allow the occasional heterosexual into this building. You never know when you've got a wardrobe that needs shifting.
This is a real buzz for me. I come to see the Panto every year, Julian, so to be on stage with you is fantastic. Oh, how lovely. Thank you. Yes, it's a buzz for me as well. I don't know who's who. Are you James? Yes. And you're...? I'm Ed. Ed Gamble. Ed, yes. I've interviewed you before, Julian, for the Taskmaster podcast, but don't worry about that. No, we did speak, didn't we? Yes. We had a...
We had a cheery chat and when I knew I was coming on this, I listened to an episode, but you can't, when you're just listening, you can't tell you apart. Yeah, it's quite difficult. One of you's got a slightly wearing laugh. Yeah, that's me. It's sort of jabbing at you, isn't it? Nice to know everyone agrees. Anyway, I'm here now. There it is.
Didn't do that on purpose. No, it was completely natural. James, we should stop properly if the genie could get in position. Apologies. Yes, if you would like to rub the lamp, Julian, we would love that. Yes, certainly. Is this a highlight? Come on out. Welcome, Julian and Clary, to the dream restaurant for the rest of your time. Thank you.
Thank you. Now, can I just say before we start, it's a sort of pre-warning. I had to go to an osteopath yesterday. Yeah. And we didn't get on very well. He asked questions like, have you ever had a sports injury? I've never been so insulted in my life. I'm a renowned homosexual. But there is an issue with my back. And what he said, this is all true, he said, what you mustn't do is just sit still for a long time. LAUGHTER
And he's given me this exercise. I have to tilt my hips forward and backwards quite often when... So if you see Ed or James... Thank you. If you see me silently thrusting into the air, that is why. It's not some sort of auto-erotic experience. OK. Good to know. It's on osteopath's urges. Oh!
So I wanted to get that out of the way, and now I'm ready for your exciting questions. I mean, in between every course we discuss, feel free, if you want to stand up and move around and do some exercises, you're very welcome to. Well, he didn't say I needed to do it. It's just that. Just that. Okay, good. We could all do it if you like. It's good for everyone. No, I'm not doing it anymore. No. Top marks for you.
And if you're just listening, he was talking to me, Ed. And you're here too. I'm fucking steamy. I'm frazzed. I'm absolutely fried to a crisp over here. Are you a foodie, Julian? Would you consider yourself a foodie? Well, you know, I do eat, obviously. I can't cook. I don't think it's a good investment of my time, so...
My husband and I, we just sort of eat stuff that doesn't take long to prepare. But we go out sometimes to eat. So, yes, I'm not really a foodie. No, I'm not. I'm not a connoisseur. That's fair enough. We don't have to be a connoisseur on this podcast. No, we do other things with our time, like ironing our T-shirts. That's what I get for extending an olive branch. LAUGHTER
You don't have to be a connoisseur. Yeah, yeah, you look like shit. LAUGHTER
It's OK. I was quite the villain in the first half. We always start with still or sparkling water, Julian. Do you have a preference? Well, I don't really, because I don't drink much water when I'm out. I read somewhere that it's not good for your digestive juices, because if you dilute too much, they can't do their job. So to be polite, I would say still water, but I wouldn't actually drink it much. Is that popular? Popular choice. They're easily pleased, aren't they? LAUGHTER
Where did you read that water's bad for your digestive juices? Somewhere on the... Because I suffer with acid reflux. And I was reading about things to avoid the, you know, sudden retching. I don't know why I'm looking at you when I said that. James, but no. Yeah, just for the listeners. James. James again. Ed. James.
One syllable. Two syllables. What? I'd go with the one for James. That means you're not thinking of me as James in your head. I'm having trouble hearing him. Yes, because he's from Northamptonshire. I've been, I did panto there. Yeah. Eight long weeks, yes. God bless you. Derngate? Sorry? LAUGHTER
Dern gate is a two-syllable word. Dern gate. Dern gate and royal, isn't it? Yes, I was at the Dern gate. Yes, happy days. Start the car. So, yes, I did read that too much water, it doesn't help your digestive juices if you suffer with acid reflux. I don't know. Never heard that before. No, it's never come up on the podcast before. LAUGHTER
And we've done nearly 300 episodes. 300, I know. And somehow all 300 have passed me by. I can't understand it. I feel like a mouse who keeps going for the same piece of cheese. John the Mouse. John the Mouse. Pop-a-dums or bread! Pop-a-dums or bread, Julian Clary! Pop-a-dums or bread! Is that pop-a-dums or bread? Very well done, yes. Yes, I think...
It's quite wired, aren't you? Yeah. Had a little Leibner in the interval. I can't leave! I like both, but I think bread, and I think... I quite like all those breads, you know, you can get with pecan nuts in, and is it called artisan bread? Yes. Yes. For me, it's more about the butter than the bread. CHEERING
It is. And I was once at a very posh dinner party with posh people from the fashion world. OK. I mean, and it was very just so, everything, you know, the right knife and fork and all that. And the final course was cheese. And there was this lovely cheese. And I said to the host, I said, I'm really enjoying this soft, buttery cheese. He said, that's the butter. LAUGHTER
And I'd made a show of myself, Ed. How much of the butter did you get through before? Most of it. Because, you know, it wasn't in a dish or in a wrapper. It wasn't that sort of... But it was on the same wooden thing as the cheese on the side. And somehow you're supposed to know the difference. They're all more or less the same colour, aren't they? Are people from the fashion world eating cheese or do they just sort of look at it? Probably they just looked at it, yeah. And you ate all the butter. Yeah.
I respect that, Julian. So for your bread course, would you like to eat the butter on its own as well? No, I mean, I spread it quite thickly. I'm talking in code. I'm quite generous with it. But there would be a cracker involved. We could have you ejaculated. LAUGHTER
So there's a cracker involved? Yeah, with the butter. I wouldn't do that. Popping off all over the place. Oh, dear. Well, it's been lovely. Your dream starter, Julian. Yes. I've a choice of two. Is that all right? Yes, let's say both of them. We can try and narrow you down on it. Well, the first one, I used to live in the same village in Kent as Paul O'Grady. And he used to invite me over for dinner. And I went over one...
Making up their own jokes now. I think it's because you're quite coquettishly rubbing the inside of your thigh. Yeah. I didn't even know I was doing that. Sort of self-comfort, I think. That's not something the osteopath told you to do. So I went round, Halloween it was, and there was a selection of people.
His manager and my husband and Paul's sister Vera. Anyway, he served us pumpkin soup. And the next thing I knew, I woke up in a field. Surrounded by sheep. And that soup was enhanced. Something had put in. He denied it, you know, the next day, because I had no memory of the entire evening. But something was put in that soup, but it was very Moorish. LAUGHTER
So that's one choice. The laced soup. The laced soup. Enhanced pumpkin soup. Yeah. The other choice is, have you heard of a cheese called Douda Montagna? No. Well, I haven't until about... I think it's a Spike Lee film. You said...
Have you heard of a cheese called Du De Montant? And I said, I think that's a Spike Lee film. Because there's a Spike Lee film called Do The Right Thing. As I was saying it, I was like, he can't even hear you, James. Why are you going for a pun that barely works? Yes. That also requires knowledge of Spike Lee's filmography. Well, it was worth a try. LAUGHTER
These things, it can be edited out. It won't be. Not now. Duda Montagna. Yes. A couple of years ago, I was invited to play the part of Herod in the Jesus Christ Superstar musical. It's a great part, Herod. You're only on stage for three minutes and 20 seconds. Although, from the back of the stalls, some people thought I was Imelda Staunton.
But there's a lot of sitting around in your dressing room, wiping down surfaces, you know, waiting for your three minutes. And my hobby when I was on tour was to go round wherever I found myself to Marks and Spencer's. Because, you know, they're different in each town or city. And I was in Manchester, we were in Manchester, and I was in Marks and Spencer's collecting my Bits and Bobs vegetarian lasagna pop tarts for afters.
I don't care who knows it. And I made my way to the till. And I don't... This will surprise you. I don't go for the shortest queue. I go for the most interesting-looking woman on the till. And I found this marvellous-looking woman with dirty fingernails and tattoos up her neck. I thought, oh, yes. She'll be good to chat to. And...
The man in front of me in the queue was very elderly, probably in his 90s. I mean, it's Manchester, so you can't really tell. He was quite doddery and he was getting his bits and bobs out and I thought, shall I offer to help? And I thought, no. It'll give him a sense of achievement. Anyway, he did what he had to do. It took a while and they put it into his little string bag.
And tottered off. And then it was my turn. And I was so busy talking to this woman who was telling me how she'd slashed her husband with a Stanley knife. And you fucking deserved it. Speak to me like that, you bastard. And I wasn't really paying much attention. I put my items into my Louis Vuitton shopping bag. And I got back to my digs.
Put them on the draining board. What do you think? There was an item there that I hadn't paid for. This old boy had left this Duda Montagna cheese behind and I'd put it in with my shopping. I felt terrible. But I wolfed that cheese down in one sitting and it was delicious. So to get to the point...
You could deep fry, do the Montagna cheese. So that's my other alternative. Amazing. Would you like that cheese in the dream menu to have been stolen from a 90-year-old man? No, that's just how I discovered it. I mean, God bless him. If he hadn't left it behind, I would never have discovered. It's lovely. It's got a sort of nutty flavour. Creamy and nutty. It slips down, James. You'll thank me for that. You try it.
Have you had it deep fried before? Did you deep fry it the first time you had it? No, I've never had it deep fried. But you're just imagining. That's how I might enhance it. Because you do that in restaurants, they deep fry cheese. I think they cover it in breadcrumbs or something and you get a little, what is it you have with cheese, that sort of fruity compote. A coulis? Security. LAUGHTER
I don't know. I'm paralysed here! A chutney? A chutney sort of thing? Oh, it's my... Oh, just in a can. Wait, could you open that for me? Times I've said that. Yes, that's open. Is it? How do you drink it then? It's already open. There's a little bit there. It does not surprise me, Julian, that Julian Clary has never drunk anything from a can before. I've had those bottles with a sort of nipple. Yeah.
So which are you thinking of going for? You've got the enhanced pumpkin soup. Yeah. You've got the deep fried Duda Montagna. Well, the trouble is, if you have that soup, you never get on to anything else. Yeah. Sort of game over. Yeah. As I recall. So I'd go for the old man's cheese. LAUGHTER
Hey, this is Jonathan Fields, host of the Good Life Project podcast. Boost Mobile reminds me of what I love, when someone reimagines what's possible. They have invested billions in building America's newest 5G network, becoming the country's fourth major carrier. They are doing things differently, offering a $25 monthly unlimited plan that never increases in price, and letting you try their service risk-free for 30 days. With blazing fast 5G and plans for all the latest devices, they're
They're changing the game. Visit your nearest Boost Mobile store or find them online at BoostMobile.com. The Boost Mobile network together with their roaming partners covers 99% of the U.S. population. 5G speeds not available in all areas.
Optimize your nutrition this year with Factor, America's number one ready-to-eat meal service. Factor's fresh, never-frozen meals are dietitian-approved, ready to eat in just two minutes. Choose from 40 weekly options across eight dietary preferences like Calorie Smart, Protein Plus, and Keto. Eat smarter at factormeals.com slash listen50 and use code listen50 for 50% off plus free shipping on your first box. factormeals.com slash listen50. Code listen50.
Want a workout that actually works? Hydro delivers a full body workout that hits 86% of your muscles in just 20 minutes. Rowing with Hydro combines strength and cardio with thousands of workouts led by Olympians in breathtaking locations. No wonder nine out of 10 members are still active one year later. Try Hydro risk-free at hydro.com and use code row to save up to $475 off your Hydro Pro Rower. That's H-Y-D-R-O-W.com code row.
BetterHelp Online Therapy bought this 30-second ad to remind you right now, wherever you are, to unclench your jaw, relax your shoulders, take a deep breath in and out.
Feels better, right? That's 15 seconds of self-care. Imagine what you could do with more. Visit betterhelp.com slash random podcast for 10% off your first month of therapy. No pressure, just help. But for now, just relax.
For the ones who get it done.
Your dream main course, Julian. Oh, right, yes. It's a sort of stew made with fish. I have an aversion to meaty stew because of a childhood trauma. When I grew up in Teddington with my two sisters, my father was a policeman and my mother was a probation officer. And...
They had a lot of heated discussions about politics and things. Anyway, they had one of their discussions and they weren't getting on well. And my mother made a stew. And it was a really hot day, I remember. None of us really wanted to eat it. And we sort of pushed it around our plates and left it. And she was furious. And so she got up and she got everyone's plate and she scraped all the stew onto one plate.
And my father was sitting at the head of the table with this open-neck shirt on, and as she passed him, she scraped it all inside his shirt. I thought, good for her. And we would say it was such shock. I mean, she didn't plan to do it. I've discussed it with her since. She's never done it since. But it was hate at the moment, and she said it was very satisfying. I bet.
And I was about six, my sister was eight and ten, and they burst into tears, and my mother and I laughed. So I can't really look at a meat stew, but there is a sort of fish stew...
James is vibrating. It's sort of southern Indian, I think. Quite coconutty and, yes, delicious. Where have you had this fish stew before? There's a restaurant called Namaste in Parkway in Camden Town. Have people heard of this restaurant? Someone went, yeah. Have they had the fish stew? Have you had the fish stew? No. They've missed out. No. Anyway, that's my answer to that.
I sort of want to ask more questions about when your mum scraped the stew down your dad's shirt. Yes. I don't know if I should. Julian, have you ever met anyone and thought, present company excluded, that you would like to scrape a stew down their shirt? I am quite like my mother. I do impulsive and unkind things sometimes.
And I've got the same sense of humour as my mother. It's quite sort of withering, and we require a victim. LAUGHTER Be it, you know, I used to work with a little dog who, not that she wasn't a victim, but the butt of the jokes, or a pianist, or somebody. So, what was the question? How do you choose your victim? If, say, you're being interviewed by two people, what...
What's the instinct that draws you to one person or another victim wise? I don't know. I mean, I'd probably go on the weaker bone structure. But, I mean, you mustn't take that personally because... Yeah, don't take it personally. How could I? When you interviewed me on the Taskmaster thing... Yes, which you remember. Which I remember. Yeah.
But you were there with your lovely bone structure then. Thank you. And I was quite rude to you, wasn't I? Yes, very rude. So that's just how it happens. Just one of the requisites. What lovely teeth you have. Thank you. Fucking hell. Let's go have a little suck through this slot. I used to have much better. You saw me pre-pandemic. I looked good. I lost it all during the pandemic. You look great now, James.
Weak, weak bones. No, just weaker than mine, I think, is the... I feel bad now. There's no reason why you couldn't get tattoos as well. Up my neck, cut my husband with a Stanley knife. Dream side dish, Julian. Ah, there's something called ladies' fingers, isn't there? Yep. Yes. Which...
I'd like the sound of it. I think it's potato, is it? It's okra, I believe. Oh, is it? OK. Right. So they can get quite slimy, is my only complaint about ladies' fingers. I feel slightly nauseous. And what is okra? Vegetable? Vegetable, yeah. Okra, OK. And rice, of course, you'd have. Yeah, it'd be very nice with a fish stew, wouldn't it? A bit of rice. What kind of fish is in the fish stew? Indian. LAUGHTER
Indian fish? I think they have fish that we've never heard of. Like, jack-off fish or something. Jack-off fish? Something like that. You seem to be inventing words that you can turn into innuendos. Is that legal? Are you allowed to do that? It's a gift. Julian, I'd say every year I come to the Panto, I think your innuendos get more and more close to the bone. Yeah, it's fantastic. LAUGHTER
We came to see it last year. You made, not even an innuendo, just a joke about poppers. I think you made an animal nitrate joke. Did I? Something like that. It was very full on and I'll be honest, I laughed very loudly and you turned to me in the audience and said, thank you for laughing. Yes, well there aren't many, there's no children come really. So you don't have to worry about that. And they wouldn't know what animal nitrate was, would they? Anyway.
Is there anything that, I don't know how involved you are with the script writing of the panto every year, is there anything that you've tried to get into the script that even they've gone, no, you can't do that, should you? Yes. I think it was, was it, as Dick Whittington said, on a boat, something on a boat. Yes? No, no. Does he? I can't remember. He's walking, isn't he?
I can't remember one year from the next, but there was one year there was a boat scene and I wanted to make a joke about semen on the deck or something. And after the dress rehearsal, the producers came and said no. But they got it in the next year anyway. Well, no, I got it in when I was cast as Semen Smee. I mean, please. LAUGHTER
So I write my own scripts. And so I had, every time Jack came on, he said, Seamans me, and I said, not just now, thank you. LAUGHTER So great. The one that I remember was, I think the first time I came to see it, you were talking about a circus and said that the human cannibal shot all over the ringmaster's back, which... I don't think I said all over. LAUGHTER
Look, I'm not a pro. I'm not a pro. I used to be the human cannonball. I used to shoot over the ringmaster's back. There you go. You seem to get a bigger laugh than me. They saw where it was going, I think, by the time you did it. He came to speak. Is it another filmic reference? So, side dish, you're thinking maybe rice? Yes. Yes.
Maybe... Ladies' fingers. Ladies' fingers. Yes. Any other options? Some mango chutney, probably. Do you have that with fish? I don't know if you do. You could do. It's your dream meal, if you think it would taste good. I would be advised by the waiter, I expect, what would go with the... That's me, though. You're the waiter. Yeah. So would you trust me if I advised you, like, what side dish to have? Yes. I don't not trust you. Oh, good.
How would you feel if you walked into a restaurant and James was the waiter? I'd give him a big tip. Thank you. We appreciate the eye contact. Thank you. You haven't asked about any alcoholic refreshments. Does that come later? Well, we normally ask drink next, but would you like different drinks with every course? Well, I'd like an aperitif. Of course. What would you like for your aperitif? It would be a vodka martini. Lovely. But it would have to be made by Nigel Havers.
Because when we're here doing the panto every year, Nigel's also in it for reasons no-one quite understands. And he is in dressing room five, I think. But every year, bless him, he brings his own little mini freezer in to keep...
The vodka, Annie, the key is you put the martini glasses in the freezer as well. And anyway, he makes the most amazing vodka martini, which after the second show, he brings me to my room with a couple of cheese straws in the top pocket of his perfectly pressed shirt. Do you like it dirty? I've got a semi. Yes. We just completely abandon innuendo. LAUGHTER
My penis is semi-erect. No, I do like... He doesn't do a dirty martini. No. But it's with a twist. But I have had it dirty and it slipped down a treat. LAUGHTER
So for your dream meal, when you arrive for the aperitif, you would like Nigel Havers' martini? Yeah, because I understand I can have anything I want in this sort of fantasy world of yours. And so, yes, I'd like Nigel Havers there. Do you want him there for the whole meal? Oh, no. No, you don't want to talk to him or anything. You can just bring the martini and then walk away backwards. LAUGHTER
Havers is clearly, is he the victim of the Panto cast? No, he is, yes. That's how it works. I'm going to end up in a support group of Havers. Me, Havers, a pianist and a dog. No, you could be the next Nigel Havers. Play your cards right. So, any other drinks? If you've got the aperitif, do you want other drinks throughout the meal? Yeah, probably some wine. Yeah. I don't know anything about wine, really.
I like it if it doesn't taste of anything much. So I put lots of ice in it. Yeah. Yeah, like Sauvignon Blanc. And I like a nice pale colour. I don't like it when it looks like a urine sample, like Chardonnay, you know, like a nice pale one. How much ice are you putting into a glass of wine? Depends on the size of the glass. But one large piece of ice. So we're going for a very pale white wine, a huge bit of ice in it, so you can't taste the wine at all.
So you're just necking it. It's the effect rather than the taste. No, I'm not necking it. No, but I'd sip it, you know, throughout. Very nice. So is that your dream drink, is a glass of white wine with a big ice cube in it? Haven't we just been through this? I mean, Julian's got a point there, James. Yeah, I know. I'm just painfully aware that, you know, this is a live episode and, um...
Currently, we've done 35 minutes and there's one course left. LAUGHTER Well, we've not asked Julian about the setting of the restaurant yet. Where does he want to be? What do you want the restaurant to look like, Julian? Oh, God, really? Yeah. I hadn't thought about any of this. I don't like restaurants where you're too close to the table next to you. I was once in... I think it's still there, Lescargo in Soho with my mother and...
There was a quite young woman and quite an old man on the table next to us and it became apparent. Did someone just whoop that? Yeah, someone whooped an old young woman and an old man. Yeah, whoop indeed. They had clearly been having an affair and she was saying she'd had enough and the relationship had come to a natural close. And this man started crying.
And we were gripped, you know. We couldn't have our own conversations. We were too worried about them. But preferably I'd like to be away from other people and lighting suitable for the over-60s. What's unsuitable lighting for the over-60s? Too harsh, too bright. Too neon. Yeah. LAUGHTER
I don't really like music playing. And what were you playing in the interval? That awful... Yes. That's Benito. Benito picked that. Benito made that playlist. All the songs have something to do with food. Yes. And the first tour date we had, he came up to us and went, have you noticed the songs? Have you noticed any link between them?
And we had to be like, oh, their food base. Benito, is he the tour manager? He's the producer of the podcast. The little funny man. Now, which one is the little funny man? We've got multiple little funny men who work there. Can you describe what they look like? Well, one little funny man met me outside when I got out of the car. It's probably Paul. That might be Paul, who's our tour manager, and my tour manager when I go on tour. Oh, you go on tour? I go on tour, yeah. LAUGHTER
Oh no. James, I don't like it. I'm in the crosshairs. Suddenly, my cheekbones are feeling razor sharp. What's your tour called? I've just finished a tour called Hot Diggity Dog. One of my favourites.
See, I've just finished a UK tour of that. Tell Julian about the controversy surrounding your poster. Oh, no. I put some posters on the tube. Well, I didn't. I paid some other people to do it. And the poster was me eating a hot dog. And TFL wouldn't put the posters up. They banned them because it said that I was promoting junk food. So we changed the photos. We photoshopped them and replaced the hot dog with a cucumber and they put them up.
While retaining the, for those who want it, sexual innuendo. Something phallic in your mouth. Happy days. What's my tour called? A Fistful of Clary. I wasn't banned. Lovely. Yeah, so you met Paul outside and then Benito is... The other funny little man. The other one. Yeah. Hasn't seen daylight for a while. Benito. Yeah. Very exotic. Do you go on tour? LAUGHTER
Yeah, sometimes. Yeah, I go on tours sometimes. He does, there's very good tours. Stand-up comedy shows. Comedy? Yeah. As soon as I volunteered that information, I was like, why did I do that? Why did I throw that out there? He loves it. Absolutely loving it. Well, that filled five minutes, didn't it? LAUGHTER
Now at Verizon, we have some big news for your peace of mind. For all our customers, existing and new, we're locking in low prices for three years guaranteed on MyPlan and MyHome. That's future you peace of mind. And everyone can save on a brand new phone on MyPlan when you trade in any phone from one of our top brands. That's new phone peace of mind. Because at Verizon, whether you're already a customer or you're just joining us,
We got you. Visit Verizon today. Price guarantee applies to then current base monthly rate. Additional terms and conditions apply for all offers. Want a workout that actually works? Hydro delivers a full body workout that hits 86% of your muscles in just 20 minutes. Rowing with Hydro combines strength and cardio. With thousands of workouts led by Olympians in breathtaking locations.
It should be pointed out as well, when Julian arrived today and we met Julian for the first time, your first words to us were, so this is about 45 minutes, is that correct? And we were like, no.
Like an hour. You were like, hmm. How long is it edited down to? Well, it's normally edited down to an hour, but this one we're just going to have to play two of the bits twice. This will be the first episode that gets edited up. Well, I could pad it out with one of my lovely songs. This is the other thing Julian asked us. Julian says, and then at the end, do we do a finale? Yeah.
I'm used to, normally this building is full of, you know, ensemble chorus dancers and all of that and the feathers and the sequins. And so I'm used to sort of finishing things off as it were. But what do you normally do? You just say, see you, I'm going down the pool.
Yeah, we do. We finish the episode, so we'd do dessert, and then James would read the menu back to you, and then we'd sort of get everyone to clap, and we'll do a photo at the front of the stage, and that normally seems fine, but now I feel like we need to do something else. Ah. I've got a lovely song called Sometimes Life's a Cunt. Written for me by that well-known family entertainer, Gary Wilmot. You didn't bring a backing track with you? I didn't bring my backing track, no. Can you do it a cappella?
When I'm in my favourite restaurant or local... Oh, that's another song. Well, that one seems more appropriate for the show, don't you think? That seems to be the perfect song. When I'm in my favourite restaurant or local greasy spoon or perhaps I take a takeaway back home. That's all I can remember. When I'm in my local restaurant or perhaps a greasy spoon or perhaps I take a takeaway back home. I find every...
I can't remember. Was that the cunt one or was that a different one? It's the cunt one, I think. I'll get out. Because there's another song called I Love a Knob and the two get mixed up in my mind. Do you remember how any of I Love a Knob goes? No.
I mean, I don't feel bad saying this because I don't think you've said to me, but I feel like we're visiting you in the home. LAUGHTER There was, what about a knob? I don't remember it now. I don't. When I'm in my favourite restaurant... LAUGHTER
Or local greasy spoon, or perhaps I take a takeaway back home. I find every meal I eat, well, it's simply incomplete without a knob, a tasty knob of butter. That's my treat. I love a knob. I love a knob in my baguette. Sometimes a knob. Da-da-da-da.
Fantastic. What a song. What a song. Amazing. And that, you know, you do, you love, you love butter. We've already talked about this. Yes, there you are. It's all coming together. It's all coming together. That's absolutely perfect. Thank you, Julie. Your dream dessert. Oh, yes. Pavlova?
Is that acceptable? Yeah. Yes, with all those nice bits of meringue and fruit. And have you ever had a dragon fruit? I don't think I've ever actually eaten a dragon fruit, you know. Very nice. I would specify that I want dragon fruit on it because it's lovely. I feel with dragon fruit that it looks so impressive that it can't possibly taste nice as well. Have you heard that before? LAUGHTER
That's the spirit. Well, there's white or there's pink. And they both taste more or less exactly the same. But it's just very, very aesthetically pleasing. How often are you having dragon fruit, would you say? As often as I can. Yeah, they sell them in the health food shops, but they don't always have them in
So sometimes you have to make do with... What are those little red things? Pomegranates. Pomegranates. Yeah. Do you want those on the pavlova as well? Yes, I'm going crazy. Do you make pavlova at home? No. I think you have to beat up egg whites and then put it in the oven. Do you do cooking? Now and again, yeah, I do cooking. Do you do cooking? Not really. No. Even less... Edge does a lot. I'm not really. 47, 58. 48.
You whisk it up. No, I don't do it myself. Is there somewhere where you've had the best pavlova that you would like to have for your dream meal? You go, I want to go back there and have the best pavlova I've ever had. My mother used to make a nice pavlova, but of course she'd be a stranger to a dragon fruit. There was no such thing in the 70s when I was growing up. Yeah. Well, there was such a thing, but you'd have to go to dragon fruit country to find it.
um tinned peaches in my day but no um homemade pavlova by my mother in this fantasy restaurant that i just can't wait to visit at the end of the meal would you like your mother to tip the remainder of the pavlova down your dad's shirt be lovely so you've done 300 of these yeah how many homosexuals have you had on did you know i'm gay i mean we've got time to probably figure out
Benito, will you just quickly go to iTunes and work out how many homosexuals we've had on the podcast? How many would you guess we've had? There's this little sweepstake before we find out the answer. Three. Three. Have you had Claire Balding on? No. Keep going. We've not had Balding. Any others? Claire Sweeney? Claire Sweeney? No. Christopher Biggins? No.
Thank you for doing them in alphabetical order as well, Jimmy. So you only know three other... Claire Balding isn't... No, Claire Sweeney isn't a lesbian. Oh. So that was a test and we failed. Spot the lesbian. Spot the lesbian doesn't work if you whoop yourself. You ruin the game. Where are your shoes from? Oh, no. They're Nike shoes. Are they? Yeah, they're... They're Freddy Crute... Oh, fuck.
Julian just noticed my shoes and did a double take. Like, I may as well have been wearing two shits on my feet. The way that Julian just absolutely horrified when he saw my shoes. A couple of Cornish pasties down here.
I was about to completely save your bacon as well and let Julian know these are Freddy Krueger themed Air Max, Nike Air Max. Yeah. But Julian's trainers are more similar to yours. Yes. So I couldn't see that really. And I was sitting here going, please, please don't look over here. It was too late. You've had some wear out of them. LAUGHTER
Yeah, yeah. Benito's genuinely counted, by the way. He says, I think, 30. It feels like more than that. So one in ten. Is that right? It's not even the actual stats. That's bad. Is that good? He's put, is that good? He's put, is that good there? He wants you to say if that's good, that we've had 30 out of 300 have been gay. Who's asking this? Benito. The one who you said doesn't look like he's seen sunlight in a while.
Yeah, tell Benito it's very good. He's done very well on the gay front. Who was your favourite homosexual out of the 30? Present company accepted or excluded? No, you can accept me. Oh, you, 100%? Well, of course. Of course you, Julian. Yes? Of the others? Yeah. A fly has just landed on you.
Have you had Miriam Margulies? We've had Miriam Margulies. Julian, there's a fly on your shoulder. Is there? There's a fly on your shoulder. It's just landed... There it goes. It's gone over. It's got sliced in half by Ed's jawline. Yes, Miriam Margulies. We've had Miriam Margulies. She was great. Did the conversation run dry with Miriam? Rylan... That's that person's favourite. I can't believe we've genuinely got to the stage where you're shouting out the favourite gay guest some of them. This is good. I feel proud of this moment, Ed. LAUGHTER
So proud that we're in... huh? Anthony Porowski, yeah, we had on from Queer Eye, of course. Sue Perkins, of course. Oh, now you're talking. We've got six more minutes, so if you can... Huh? Tom Allen, of course, we've had Tom Allen on. Rosie Jones. Jess Foster-Q. This is the weirdest auction I've ever been to. This is a great moment. We'll put this out during Pride Month. It'll be nice.
I'm going to read your menu back to you. Just so you know, you've obviously got to the end of your menu and avoided the secret ingredient. Would you like to know what it was? I heard it over the tannoy. But I was never likely to have said that anyway. I've loved every single second of this, Julian, may I say. Well, Dorito, or whatever his name was... I should have come and turned the tannoy off.
Dorito should have turned the tannoy off, yeah. Yes. Dorito neglected his duties once again. Fucking hell. The great Dorito. Oh my goodness. Julian. Yes. I'm going to read your menu back to you now, see how you feel about it. You were like, still water.
Correct. Which, looking back, I wish we'd asked more questions about. It's never too late. Problems or bread? You wanted artisan bread with pecans in it with thickly spread butter and a cracker. Starter. The old man's deep fried cheese. Main course. Southern Indian fish stew from Namaste in Camden Town. Seems a lifetime ago, doesn't it? Side dish.
I guess we didn't really pin one down. It was either ladies fingers, lady fingers. Yeah, Benito, not ladies fingers, lady fingers. I think it's ladies fingers. It's lady fingers, isn't it? I think it's ladies fingers. No, I think it's lady, ladies fingers. Lady or ladies. Apologies, Benito. Dorito, I apologise. Rice or mango chutney? Those were the three choices.
I feel like you can have all of those for your dream meal. Yeah, I think you don't just have to have one. No. The lady's fingers. Yes. And the rice and the mango chutney. That sounds absolutely delicious.
You wanted a pair of teeth at the start, Nigel Haver's vodka martini with a twist, and he can back out of the room and not stay for the meal? Mm-hm. You want a very pale white wine with one large cube of ice in it as your dream drink. And dessert, she would like a homemade pavlova by your mother with dragon fruit and pomegranate in it, then tip down your father's shirt. That sound good? Sounds lovely. Exactly what I want. Thank you. The off-menu menu of Julie and Claire! CHEERING
absolutely fantastic Julian. Hey! Julian Clary everybody! Clary! Thank you so much for coming we'll see you again if you're coming again. Thank you so much for coming. Bye bye bye. Thank you so much. Bye bye. There we are. Oh wow. Are you okay man? I've only just recovered. Yeah James has just recovered from being absolutely obliterated by Julian. It was over a month ago and I've just got out of hospital. Ha ha ha.
But thank you, Julian, all the same for coming on the podcast and for not saying Mint Terry's Chocolate Orange because you cheated and heard it on the tannoy. Yes, because you'd heard it on the tannoy, of course. Yes, but thank you so much for coming on. That absolutely killed me, that. Yeah. And Julian's on tour now with A Fistful of Clary, including a date that Linda played him on the 17th of May. So for tickets, go to julianclary.co.uk.
He's also, of course, back starring in the London Palladium Panto, Sleeping Beauty from the 6th of December. For tickets, go to palladiumpantomime.com. I'll be there. And a reminder, we're bringing Off Menu Live, the tasting menus, to the Royal Albert Hall in London in March 2026. So go to offmenupodcast.co.uk for dates and tickets. See you in a bit. Bye. Bye.
Optimize your nutrition this year with Factor, America's number one ready-to-eat meal service. Factor's fresh, never-frozen meals are dietitian-approved, ready to eat in just two minutes. Choose from 40 weekly options across eight dietary preferences like Calorie Smart, Protein Plus, and Keto. Eat smarter at factormeals.com slash listen50 and use code listen50 for 50% off plus free shipping on your first box. factormeals.com slash listen50. Code listen50.
Want a workout that actually works? Hydro delivers a full body workout that hits 86% of your muscles in just 20 minutes. Rowing with Hydro combines strength and cardio with thousands of workouts led by Olympians in breathtaking locations. No wonder nine out of 10 members are still active one year later. Try Hydro risk-free at hydro.com and use code row to save up to $475 off your Hydro Pro Rower. That's H-Y-D-R-O-W.com. Code row.
If you're a lineman in charge of keeping the lights on, Grainger understands that you go to great lengths and sometimes heights to ensure the power is always flowing, which is why you can count on Grainger for professional-grade products and next-day delivery so you have everything you need to get the job done. Call 1-800-GRAINGER, click Grainger.com, or just stop by. Grainger, for the ones who get it done.
Hello there Off Menu listeners. It's me Amy Gledhill and you might remember me from my episode of Off Menu when I chose to have seaweed on mash and I'll be taking no further questions. And my name is Ian Smith and you may remember me from the one line of dialogue I had in a non-broadcast Channel 4 pilot. Maybe you were in the studio audience at the time. Who can forget? But that's not what we're here to talk about. No, nor the news. Our podcast is coming back
for series four. And don't worry, it's not a boring news podcast. No way. We're two northerners living in London and every week we catch up on the weirdest, most bizarre local news from up north. Things like? Woman in tears after spotting spitting image of dead dog in bath mat. Pure evil blackbird named Derek terrorising Yorkshire village and attacking children. And we're joined by special correspondents every week. Why
Like you one and only Ed Gamble, who you might have heard of. You'll remember him from this podcast, the one you're listening to now. Yeah. He hosts it. Yeah. He co-hosts. He was on my episode of Off Menu. Was he? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think he was in the non-broadcast Channel 4 pilot I did as well. Oh, he will have been. He's a nice guy. Yeah. So that's Northern News starting next Thursday, the 1st of May, and then every Thursday after that. Join us.