Brand New Dungeons And Dragons Campaign With Timm Woods And Nick Turani
02:09:40 Share

Hey, Pardon My Take listeners. You can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music.

Football fans, the NFL season is almost here. Did you know that DraftKings Sportsbook, an official partner of the NFL, offers season-long survivor pool contests that you can enter right now? That's right. Here's how it works. Head to the DraftKings Sportsbook app, select the Pools tab, and find a survivor contest to enter. Each week of the NFL season, pick one team to win their game, and if they do, you'll survive and advance to the next week.

But here's the catch. You can only pick each team once throughout the season, so choose wisely. Be one of the highest scoring players at the end of the season to take home your share of millions in cash prizes. Don't miss your chance. Reserve your entry now. New customers, download the DraftKings Sportsbook app now and use code BSS during sign-up. Compete for your share of over $3.5 million in total prizes with season-long pools only on DraftKings. The crown is yours.

Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER. In New York, call 8788-HOPE-NY or text HOPE-NY 467369. In Connecticut, help is available for problem gambling. Call 888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.org.

Please play responsibly. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino and Resort Kansas, 21 plus age varies by jurisdiction. Void in Ontario. Entry fees required. Maximum entry limits apply. Prizes issued as cash ends 9-8-24 at 1 p.m. Eastern Time. See dkng.co slash survivor terms for eligibility and deposit restrictions, terms, and responsible gaming resources.

Hey sports fans looking for a new show to binge check out Mr. Throwback on Peacock follow Danny a down on his luck memorabilia dealer looking for redemption by reuniting with his middle school teammate NBA legend Steph Curry that's right NBA great Stephen Curry goes from the court to the screen in this comedy mockumentary that is pure gold it's got basketball style and an epic lie that

is bound to come out eventually. You know what they say, ball don't lie, but sometimes people do. Don't miss Stephen Curry in his first scripted TV role, Mr. Throwback, streaming now only on Peacock.

On today's part of my take, it's Dungeons and Dragons time. We're on a mini vacation for July 4th week. We will have a new episode on Wednesday, but today we're going back into the realm of Tim Woods and we have Max and Nick Turani as our special guests today.

Playing with us, Max for the first time, Nick, I think it's his third time. It's an awesome episode. We're taking it seriously this time. We're going to try to complete the mission. Tim is electric, as always.

And it's a great, great listen. And we're brought to you by our friends at DraftKings. Forget what the calendar says. Football season is right around the corner. And that means Best Ball Week at DraftKings isn't far behind. Here's what you need to know. DraftKings Best Ball Millionaire Contest is their biggest fantasy contest ever.

We're talking $15 million guaranteed prize pool with two, that's right, two millionaires being crowned for first and second place. If you're a set it and forget it type, then best ball is for you. No waiver wires, no roster management, bigger rosters so injuries won't end your season. Only the draft and that's it. You're set for the season. Still not convinced? Check this out. This year DraftKings is offering everyone a draft one, get one special. Your $20 entry fee scores you a bonus ticket to

This is the game. Football's about to be back. This is the best. You've got to get in. So, again, it's DraftKings Best Ball Millionaire Contest, their biggest fantasy contest ever, taking $15 million guaranteed prize pool with two, that's right, two millionaires being crowned. Get ready for Best Ball Week at DraftKings. Download the DraftKings app. Use code TAKE. That's code TAKE for all customers who enter the NFL Best Ball 15 Million Millionaire Contest to get a bonus prize.

ticket only during best ball week only on DraftKings. Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER. In New York, call 877-8-HOPE-N-Y or text HOPE-N-Y at 467-369. In Connecticut, help is available for problem gambling. Call 888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.org. 18 and over in most eligible states, but age varies by jurisdiction. Eligibility restrictions apply. One per customer. Enter the bestball.com

$15 million contest by 9524 to get one bonus entry. $20 entry fee required. Reward expires at contest lock on 9524. See terms at DraftKings.com slash DFS. Okay, let's go. Boy, now we live with violence And then a lot of work to be done No place to go washing And then I can't blame all on the sun We're gonna rock

Electric Avenue. And then we're gonna rock.

It's a part of my take presented by Varsity Sports. Welcome to a part of my take presented by DraftKings. Get ready for Best Ball Week at DraftKings. Download the DraftKings app. Use code TAKE. That's code TAKE for all customers who enter the NFL Best Ball 15 Million Millionaire Contest to get a bonus ticket only during Best Ball Week, only on DraftKings. Today is Monday, July 1st.

And it's time for Dungeons & Dragons, so let's go. Okay, we are back with our best friend in the entire world, Tim Woods.

Thanks for having me. Appreciate it. It is time for another Dungeons & Dragons episode. Pardon my take. We do this about twice a year. This is our summer lore. Is it lore? Adventure. Adventure. Summer adventure. Adventure. And we have special guest Nick back. Thank you, guys. I love doing this. It's my favorite days of the year. Yeah. And we have his first time ever going on an adventure with us, Maxwell. Maxwell.

Very exciting. Always cool to have a new player. You gonna say anything? Yeah. No, thanks for having me. I was allowing you to finish speaking before I finished. That's also a great start. Well, yeah, no, I just know how this is gonna go. I'm just gonna replace Hank as the guy who gets killed in fucks. No, no. That's not it at all, man. Exciting. Hank was the most excited about this of all. Max, you'll be the second person killed.

Yeah. We'll see. So for people who are not watching right now, you should watch because we built a whole new set. Wait, Max needs a name and character. Yeah. Are you going to announce? This is a good point. So yes, you get to name your character whatever you want, Max. But since you are the only person with a totally new character today, I thought I'd take a moment.

I wasn't sure exactly what you might like to play, but I wanted to prepare something ahead of time. And I knew that you played in one of our previous adventures, a hippo animal companion. So I gave you a druid who has the power to wild shape into animals and command nature magic. So you're going to be playing a druid today, Max. Would you like to name your druid? It looks like a hippo. It could turn into a hippo. I think only like a hippo, elephant, rhino, phallus.

Fat gorilla. Some sort of large animal. There's other things in here. Anacondas on here. Butterbean. A hunter shark, huh? What do you think about a hunter shark? That's an athlete. That's what it says on here. A placissosaurus. You can do a lot of different dinosaurs. What about hippo maximus?

Sure. I would definitely like hippo Maximus. Yeah, I'll be hippo Maximus. 100%. Yeah, hippo Maximus is good. By the way, Tim, also, we should say before we start, we saw your consent tweet that rocks. Okay, I thought that might come up. Absolutely. 100%. We will be asking for consent before we fuck Hank's dead body. As we all should. As we all should. I will just say that, you know, I,

The tweet went up on April 20th. April 20th is my birthday, so anyone who kind of like bullied me, just a heads up, I don't bully people on their birthday. That's just a choice. Maisie also is a friend, so even though it was on a social media platform, private conversation, everyone. I don't know why everyone else was joining. Also, third, I'm right.

- Yeah, you are right. - So I'm right and yeah, you got booed. - When you posted that, you were like, oh, the guys from Part of My Take didn't see this, I'm safe, and then like three weeks later, I brought it up out of nowhere? - I just suddenly got this flood of people liking the tweet out of nowhere, and I was like, uh, I think I need to, and then somebody mentioned like, I'm so glad he brought this up on the pod, I wouldn't have noticed it, I'm like, okay, I do need to listen to this episode now and find out what happened, happened.

So I should have known I should have known what was it? We exactly it was nothing's hotter than asking for consent when you know that you have it. Yes Creativity if someone's like asking for consent slam was like well, I mean just have fun with it Yeah, you know like I mean you can you can make anything a good time. Yeah, okay So for people who aren't watching does everyone want to describe what their uh,

Say their name and then what they're dressed as? Sure. Also, you should be watching because this is the set. The costumes you're banging today. Absolutely. I'm Hippo Maximus. I am dressed as Hagrid from the Harry Potter series. I didn't even know you were dressed up. Oh, yeah. So funny. I do kind of look like him. Am I?

Am I kind of? I definitely look like a great deal. Yeah, great deal. I'm Greg. Two G's. One in the front, one at the end. And I am dressed as an Oompa Loompa chocolate factory. A slave, I think. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. I'm Norm the Barbarian. I'm dressed as Doc Ock from the Spider-Man franchise.

I don't really know. I built this costume homemade because my kids love Spider-Man, so I thought I'd just put it on at home and chase him around. So I bought them some Spider-Man costumes as well. Two for one. Two for one. Yeah, it was a two for one deal. And also, what's the vision like out of those glasses? I'm like a dog. I can only see black and white. Yeah, it's not. It's really bad. Like, but I'm here. Yeah.

Okay, I am Wayne the Hill dwarf bard and I am dressed today as a some sort of Viking I think it was just a Viking costume. I'm not sure if it's a specific Viking maybe Eric the red I'm dressed as Eric the red. Mm-hmm I'm Ehrlich the warlock and I am dressed as Shrek from Shrek - not Shrek 1. Well, he's human You're wearing both, right?

Rarely, rarely green Shrek, which you are wearing that. He is green Shrek in Shrek 2, fact or fiction, at some point. I don't have my glasses on. You look like Nate. Yeah.

Absolutely. You're dressed as Nate. And Tim, what are you dressed as? I'm just wearing my cloak as usual. Yeah, absolutely. Also, your biceps are popping. What do you do for those? What do you do for those? I just did working out during COVID. That's all. That was the trick. And it's still around? No, no. I started working out. Got it. Okay. Yeah. I can notice. No. Guys should support guys. I appreciate that. Thank you. 100%. Consentually.

Absolutely. I definitely approve of all the camaraderie. I like that 100%. All right, so let's do it. Now, our adventure today, I'm really, really particularly excited about because this adventure is the adventure that I've been running ever since we did our last one, the Sunless Citadel, long ago before our Baldur's Gate adventure. That was a year and a half ago. So ever since then, I've been running this adventure, the Forge of Fury, for the AWLs. At

this point, I kind of crunched the numbers and I've probably run this adventure for over 200 AWLs out there at this point. So you've got some people who have gone through this adventure quite a few times who have, or quite a few people who have gone through this adventure once who are going to be tuning in, who are going to be very much excited

analyzing how you guys do on this particular adventure. So this one is one that the fans are going to have played a lot of, and potentially it's a multi-parter. It is an adventure that came out when I first started playing D&D years ago, and they've updated it with every single edition since then.

It is known as the Forge of Fury. And Wayne, in particular, this adventure is going to have a lot to do with you because we're starting our adventure in the town of Blossingdale, which is mostly humans. We've got a lot of humans in this group, but particularly there's a large dwarven population in the town of Blossingdale. In fact, your family might live in this town. I would leave that entirely up to you.

The legend has it that the reason why there's so many dwarves living in the town of Blossingdale, as well as a good number of gnomes, I will also point out, Ehrlich, you have heard that there was once a mighty dwarven fortress in the northwestern mountains known as Grimmsnake.

Kundrakar, which translates to the Forge of Fury. It is said that there was a great dwarven blacksmith who kept making these amazing magic weapons to slay his enemies, the orcs who populate the mountainside. Eventually, the orcs got sick of it, attacked the mountain, laid siege for five years, and a hundred years ago, the mountain fell and the dwarves were driven out. However, it's said that not all the weapons that were created by that master blacksmith were found in

And in theory, the greatest axe of the blacksmith Durgedon has still not been located. Many dwarves in the town of Blossingdale believe that there is a vault located somewhere in that mountain. And whoever could get in the mountain, deal with the orcs, find the vault and get it open, would be able to lay claim to one of the greatest treasures in all of the land.

I want that axe. Absolutely. I want that treasure. 100%. You would know that the people who can wield an axe like that would be mainly our paladin Greg, our barbarian Norm, but also Wayne the Bard. Even if axes are not your specialty, you still know that this is an ancestral relic that really belongs in the hands of the dwarves. I can play a mean axe. Absolutely. Absolutely.

At the same time, Erlik, you also know that this axe would have enchanted runes on it, that if you were to harvest the power of those runes and destroy the axe, it would afford you immense power, much like not just one soul, but hundreds of souls that power your spell. Right off the bat, it sounds like he would go for the axe for nefarious purposes. He would argue that. He wants the axe to destroy it. It sounds like everyone would go for it. It sounds like everyone wants the axe. But you want it to destroy it. I feel like the power could corrupt us all.

Maybe, yeah. I don't even want it. I don't want it either. Hank's family's in town? No, PFT's family's in town. Wayne's family, in theory, might live in this town. I'll leave that up to you. Yeah, I might fuck your mom. Back off. I might get a little basketball going. You can tell me your mom's not here and we'll just whisk her to safety. She says no consent, Nick. I knew I had it. Absolutely. I knew it.

Now, Hippo Maximus, you would know as a druid of the nearby region that the orcs have been attacking human caravans and stuff for years now from the mountain that they took from the dwarves. You also know that those attacks have not been as successful in recent years. The orcs have been taking a lot of casualties recently.

now might be the perfect time with their numbers whittled down for some people to go into the mountain. It might be that previously it was too dangerous, and now you think the number is down to maybe just a dozen orcs or so left and still in the mountain. You've heard their war cries of their leader, Great Ulf.

and you know that years ago they used to have a different leader. So at some point in the past decade, there was a transition of leadership, apparently, in the Orc tribes of Stonetooth Mountain, where Kundrakar used to be built. So you know a lot about the nearby wilderness. I would say that Norm and Greg, you've probably rolled into town. There are a lot of barbarian tribes in the mountains around here. There aren't many paladin orders, but paladins often come into the mountains to accomplish heroic goals.

quests and there would definitely be a small gnomish population mostly of warlocks in the town of Blossingdale. Now this adventure is special because we haven't done an adventure yet that starts in town. So when you start in town you can do whatever you want. We're kind of assumed we've met each other, we've gathered in the town square, there is a nearby tavern, there is a temple dedicated to the god of dwarves actually, Moradin. There are also potion shops and other places you can visit.

When you're in town, you can do whatever you want, and in theory, you can try to get information or maybe supplies that you think you might need for your expedition. However, to see what order we get to do things in, I'm going to ask everyone to do their first dice roll for today. You're going to roll a d20, the 20-sided die, and whoever rolls the highest is going to get to go first.

16 16 for the board norm norm you have a plus 2 on your dexterity, so I'm gonna get you in for an 80 You're like, oh her like you have a plus 2 also, so you got a total of a 3 or like you're gonna be you're gonna be going last right now I got a 2 at 2. Okay, who ain't actually Wayne you've got a plus 3 on dexterity So with a total you said it - yep, you got a 5 total you're actually still going just ahead of Ehrlich and that's Wayne lovely and

13. 13, absolutely. And I think you have a plus one as a paladin. So Greg, you're going right dab in the middle. And Hippo Maximus. I got a four. A four. Hippo Maximus, you have a plus two, I believe, on dexterity. Second to last. So that actually gets you to six. So you're right smack in the middle now. So order is Norm first, then Greg, then Hippo Maximus, then Wayne, then Erlich. Okay.

And Norm, you're in town right now. Literally, you see a tavern called the Four Swords Tavern right in front of you. And there is also the potion shops and temples and anything else that you might be looking for in a civilized town like this. It's a mountain mining town, you think. So it doesn't have like a huge shopping mall or something like that. But you do have places you can go to. A little cowboy town. Yeah, a little cowboy town. Yeah.

Boys, should we maybe like split up? Like maybe I go to the tavern, see what's up. Someone else go to the potion shop, grab some potions. I think, yeah, splitting up is smart. Yeah. I'll go to the forest, hang out with my people. Well, and then we can meet before we leave town. 100%. You could. Splitting up in town is usually a pretty safe move. Okay. All right. So let me, I'm going to grab a nice cold Coors Light. Should we have like a word to yell that we gather at one point? Yeah. Yeah.

Consent. Yep. There it is. Blow the conch. Maybe. Yeah. All right. All right. So, yeah, let's hop in the bar.

Grab a beer and just, can I ask some guys what's up? You certainly can. As soon as you walk in the bar, the first thing you see is that there's a bartender, classic human bartender with a big beard. He's cleaning a glass, got a big apron. He nods to you. There seems to be some sort of rich merchant sitting at the bar. And then there are four, I must emphasize, mine workers, not miners, who are drinking and eating right now in the bar. Miners are drinking? Mine workers.

- Mine workers. - So, Tim, you're saying that there's a bunch of miners and then there's a rich financier sitting right next to them. - Yes, it seems like they're not at the same table, but you're definitely getting the vibe like, okay, those are the guys who work in the mines. That's probably a mine owner would be your guess. You also notice in the back room, there's some kind of a party going on and you think you hear dwarves singing in Dwarvish. - Is it dwarves or miners? - But you don't speak Dwarvish. Dwarves very often are mine workers, yes.

Okay. What do you guys think? Should I talk to the rich guy or maybe go to the party?

So he's a financier. He's a financier, yeah. He's a financier. He knows all the secrets. All right, let's talk to Jeff Epstein. Absolutely, 100%. And his friend might be Maxwell. As you kind of sit down next to him, he's kind of like, hello, goodness, good to see you. Quite a brute from the nearby mountains, I see. And he's being very rude to you right now. Would you like to talk to him and try to say something to him, or are you going to do something else?

Yeah. Let's talk to him. How smart? What do you say to him? Well, I'd be like, brute. I'm actually wicked smart. Absolutely. 100%. Do you try to, he doesn't seem to, he just, oh goodness, I'm sure, yes, quite for a barbarian of the mountains. I'm sure you're quite savvy and cunning in your tribe. Do you try to impress him with any knowledge? Yeah. Can I like fill out like a quick,

math formula and just pass it over and be like, see this, buddy? I will let you roll a d20. However, your barbarian norm does have a minus one on intelligence. So if you roll a d20 minus one. I got a 16. Yay! 15, 15, 15. Sorry. Oh, a 14.

14. So you do this pretty impressive math formula. And then he's like, oh, goodness, you know how to do your arithmetic. Well, there's a little you forgot to carry the form and you did make a slight mistake. But still, it's pretty impressive with a 14. And it's clear. He says, oh, goodness, I've underestimated you, my good friend. As you try to get information out of him, you can now roll with advantage. He realizes he's underestimated you. Roll two times and take the higher number.

17. 17's great. 6. 6. So we'll take the 17. You don't have any bonus to persuasion, but you've made a great impression on this guy. You can either ask him for two things, like a potion or some money or something like that, or you could get the answer to two questions you might have.

He may have information, but you'd have to think of what information he would have. You know this guy wouldn't know what's going on inside the mountain. He's never fought an orc or something like that, but you could see what he might know or more likely what he could offer you. What about if I asked him who knows the inside of the mountain the best?

Oh, goodness. I would say that would probably be the elder dwarves who fled from the mountain so long ago. There are still quite a few dwarves who remember the days 100 years ago of the fall of Kundrakar. So I would talk to them most likely at the Temple of Moradin over that-a-way. But...

There's also some dwarves having a party in the back room. It seems like one of them is a, they're all brothers, nine brothers, one of whom is the oldest and is having a birthday party right now. They are quite shit-faced, it looks like. And so they might be able to get information easier out of them, perhaps.

Perhaps. Okay. Yeah. So let me like, how's your character with peer pressure? Bad. Is he? Yeah. Oh, you might just get drunk. I might just get drunk. These dwarves are partying hard. But I'm bigger than them. Yes, you are. All right. They're cooler than you and you know, you're looking for their affection. You will probably get drunk with them.

But I'm bigger than them. Like, it will take me a lot longer to get drunk. I think you got to do something like you have to impress them with how much beer you can drink. Okay, so I'm going to say, hey, Jeff, thanks for the talk.

You're a creep. I got a bad feeling about you. Something's going to happen to you later. And then I'm going to go back in the party and I'm just going to be like, fellas. And then I just pound a beer so fast. Go ahead and roll me a D20 plus three. Don't embarrass us. This is your constitution saving throw to see. I typically don't count dice that fall on the floor, but I can. I can't really move. Can you give me? Yeah. I didn't really think this cost him through in this aspect. That's right.

Oh, amazing. Chug, chug. So as soon as you walk in, they've got the boot going. They have got the boot that they are chugging from and immediately you're like, fill her up. And you chug the boot in like record time. You definitely beat whatever the record is in this town. You're the fucking man. Maybe the world record. This is sick. They're losers.

You still got it, man. They are your best friend at this point. I want everyone to succeed. We'll get back to Dungeons & Dragons in a second. It's brought to you by Coors Light. The perfect summer playlist may be elusive, but one thing is sure. It gets better when it's enjoyed with an ice-cold Coors Light because music and Coors Light equals chill. It's amplified. Coors Light is the only choice when you're ready to choose chill. When you embrace a chill mindset, it's a good time to choose chill and crack open a Coors Light.

Love Coors Light. Love it at concerts. I'm going to be going to Riot Fest for sure this year here in Chicago. It's summer concert series. We've got Lollapalooza. We've got the Puff Punk Tour about to get into high gear in August.

Coors Light is the perfect beer to go along with live music. Amplify your chill this summer with Coors Light. Choose chill, choose Coors Light. Go to CoorsLight.com slash summer music to see how Coors Light can amplify your summer. Be sure to keep an eye out on Coors Light's social handles all summer long for more exciting announcements. Celebrate responsibly. Coors Brewing Company, Golden, Colorado. Now, more D&D.

Norm is on fire. No defenses. What do we ask?

I need help. Anyone? Maybe find out where that axe is. Where are the actors? Oh, yeah, where's that? Hey, you guys ever seen that axe? Any of you guys missing an axe? What that axe do? For thousands of years? The oldest brother, the one whose birth date is, was asleep in his food, and then he sits up suddenly. Yes, I remember the axe.

Our father was there the day Kundra Kar fell, and he told me that Durgeddin locked his axe away and couldn't get to it in time to use it to fight the orcs, and then the key was cut from his belt.

and it fell into a chasm far below the mountain. But I remember him saying that the vault was in the eastern portion of the mountain. That's all we know for sure. You've confirmed the vault exists. We know it's in the eastern part of the mountain. But problem, the key fell into a chasm. He says either it's lost forever, or maybe the orcs, who can see very well in the dark, they might have tried to find it. That's his best guess. All right, so, I mean, I...

Should I try to just put this eldest dwarf in my back pocket? Yeah, like bring him with you. You do think that one of these dwarven brothers would come with you right now? This is Magnus Steeltoe is his name. Oh, I think we should bring, yeah, Magnus Steeltoe. You want to come party with my boys? Oh, yeah, hell yeah, absolutely. You seem cool, Norm. I'm coming with you. And Magnus seems like he's a fighter, but he's not a fighter on the level with us.

He's only got maybe like a dozen hit points. He's got one axe attack per turn. He can help, but probably help more as cannon fodder than anything else. No, we've got to protect him. I like him. Yeah, Magnus, Steel Tornado, you're with us. And Greg, that'll bring us to you next. Very good turn. Yeah, great turn, great turn. Huge turn. Didn't get into a fight with anyone?

Since I'm the paladin, I think the temple makes sense for me to go to. Yes, absolutely. The moment you arrive, even though you're not a dwarf, they see your armor, they see your holy symbol, you're a holy knight riding into town. Incidentally, Greg, important question. At this level, you get a statue.

that you can summon. It's not an actual animal. It's a spirit, a celestial, an angel that takes animal form. It, of course, can just be a horse or it could be something else if you prefer, like a dire wolf or a, I don't know, big warthog or something like that. Do you have a particular animal you want to be riding into town on? A moth, please. A moth? Yes. Yeah, hell yeah. Absolutely. Okay, cool. I got it, Jeff.

You come in at night, of course. The lights of the city twinkle below you. You landed, and people are talking about this moth that has sort of been stabled in the town square. I'll say, yeah, you're riding. They don't want you flying the moth around town, but you're riding this giant moth through the streets right up to the temple. They see your holy symbol. You're a holy moth.

They say, brother, welcome. Please come inside. You can tell there's a very old dwarven priest in a withered chair that they're carrying around a little bit. And there are other dwarven priests kind of roaming around. You'll soon notice they have a whole tabernacle set up with holy healing potions inside of

Do I have any sort of trinkets on me? You do. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I want to give the old guy like a ring. I want to give him a holy trinket. 100%. You give him a little sacred relic from a town that you came from. Immediately this old guy, oh, thank you, yes. This was once in dwarven hands long ago. We shall put this back. And they have a whole reliquary where he kind of puts this ring on the shelf with all of the others. You've just earned advantage on any persuasion checks you do. And I think you have.

a persuasion bonus of like plus four or something on your sheet, I think. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, under skills, I think you have pretty good persuasion for getting information out of people. So under skills, do you see... I have persuasion plus six. Plus six now. Amazing. So if you say persuade people, you have advantage. You roll two times and take the higher number. Okay. And you add a plus six to your total.

Okay, yeah. I would like to ask him what he knows about this axe. Absolutely. 100%. Roll two times on the d20. Tell me what you get as a higher d20. A 10. 10. Good so far. And a 4. A 4. So we'll take the 10 plus 6. That's a 16. He's going to give you two solid pieces of information. What do you want to know about the axe? What he knows about where it is or what he knows about its powers? Um...

Let's go where it is. Where it is. He confirms that the vault exists. It's somewhere in the eastern part of the mountain, but I know we already got that information. So he's going to confirm there's not just an axe in that vault. There is also other magical weapons, magical armor, and tons of gold as well in that vault. Okay.

He also knows that the orcs would have been able to find the vault. It was not a secret vault by any means. It was a huge 30 foot tall, 30 foot wide vault door. The orcs would be able to find it, but unless we haven't seen any orcs carrying any rad magic axes, they could not have gotten the vault door open. It's a very secure vault door. You'd have to be really good at picking locks or you would have to be able to find the key somehow. Yeah.

And to this elder dwarf, I would like to know, is this power worth having or will it corrupt? Is it bad to be? Should it stay locked away? Great question. Thank you, guys. The good news? No. Durgedon was a great blacksmith. He was almost cursed by vengeance. His family had been killed by orcs.

That's why he started making these amazing axes. So he imbued his fury into them, but Dwarven fury only makes axes even more radical. Like, it didn't make it cursed or anything. But at the same time, there are many dark forces that seek to claim this axe.

And so having it is a danger. Not because it will corrupt you, but because other people will be like, oh, you're an ally of the dwarves? That makes you an enemy of me. Orcs would not like this axe very much. Good guy with an axe, though. Absolutely. Better than a bad guy with an axe.

I'd rather be a good guy with an axe than a good guy without one. Yeah, you'd rather have an axe and not need it. Exactly. And certainly better than letting it fall into evil hands. An orc could use this axe against us, potentially. Though, I'd say Durgedon's axe might burn in their hand or something like that, you would know.

Am I out of questions to ask? I'd say that was more of a half a question. Okay. One more little piece of info. Is there anything you can give me to help me? He, when he hears that you're going to Kunjarkar, absolutely, with even just a half of a question, gives you not a regular but a greater healing potion.

just in case you need it. So I'm going to mark down, you've got a greater healing potion. If you need to either feed that to somebody or drink it yourself to gain back hit points, you absolutely can. And it'll heal back 44 plus 4 hit points. That's a good chunk of your health. Fantastic. Yeah, I'll kiss him on the top of the hand and go. Absolutely, yes, 100%. He puts on the ring so you can kind of like kiss the ring. And the other priests kind of salute you and wish you well on your quest to Kundrakar, Greg.

So Greg just gave an old man a ring inside of a church and then kissed him. Oh, I got gay married. Yeah.

I think you're married. The dwarf, the old dwarf also realizes at the same time, oh, I'm married now. I have an old husband. Does that mean he has to come with us to honeymoon? Actually, he wants you to stay home and take care of the temple with him. But he says, first, you know what? If you want to bring this old as fuck dwarf, you absolutely can. All right. First of all, that's my husband. So shut up. Yes.

Apologies, yeah. Did you marry him for money? If you ask him for consent, he can bring him with you. Yeah, fuck him. Let's bring him. Absolutely. 100% My gay husband. This is the high priest. I'm not gay, but I do have a gay husband. Hey, happy Pride Month. Thank you. Absolutely. We'll just... High priest Mr. Greg. Why does this always happen? So, Billy...

And Greg, amazing turn. And that will bring us then to Hippo Maximus. Hippo Maximus, what would you like to do? You said there's a forest close by? There is a forest. I would like to go there. You have a small grove of druids. Yes, 100%.

as you kind of find your people. And the best part is, other people would not have an easy time finding these druids. They're secreted away. You also have a secret language you share with the druids that only you all can speak and stuff. Also, you have magical spells that allow you to talk to animals and do other nature magic, talk to plants, that sort of thing. So make sure, if you have any questions about any of your spells, let me know. But when you rendezvous with the

druids, I'll say there is a hierophant. The high druid of your circle is an old woman and she says, oh, greetings, welcome back hippo Maximus. Her name is Giraffe Maximus. And so what would you like to say to her or ask?

If she knows anything, I guess if she knows anything about this axe, I feel like we know a lot about this axe, though. We do probably know a lot about this axe. That was a really good question, Hippo Maximus. Do you know anything about this axe? We know about the axe. Well, I feel like that was what I was supposed to say, but I don't know if that... You can ask her about the axe. Who do you think the MVP should have been? Something like that. Yeah.

Go ahead and roll a d20. You have advantage because this is your druid circle, so you can roll two times. However, I don't think you have the persuasion skill. You have a plus one on this. Maybe ask where the axe is.

- 10, we already know where the axe is. - Oh shit. - You got an 11 total, you're only getting one piece of information or maybe an item or some other kind of-- - Just get some food. - I would like some items to get me to the journey of the axe. - Yeah, he needs energy, he needs power. - So she'll give you a choice. She could give you a healing potion, those are always helpful, you can't have too many of them. She might have a little something that might be able to augment your magic.

she might also be able to set you up with a guide who could bring you to the mountain without any trouble. Are we all bringing dates here? Otherwise, you would be our best guide. It would be the survival skill for guiding us to the mountain. So everything would go through me. Exactly. I would be the leader. Well, yeah. In a certain sense. I would like that to be me. Does he lose hit points if he's, like it's been almost 20 minutes, he hasn't had anything to eat?

I mean, you could make a constitution save if you get too hungry. No, I just need to be the guide. That's all. Don't worry about the food intake. Henry Erlich is the one who worries about the food intake. That's true. He gets very cranky. He gets very cranky. Got to keep that blood sugar. So, Max, what are you doing?

I'm taking the guide. You're going to take the guide. Absolutely. She gives you the guide. Guide, you can choose any animal you want. I'm going to say it's a bird who suddenly flies down from a tree and lands on your shoulder. I'm going with a bird. I like a bird. Absolutely. What kind of bird? Eagle? Yeah, bird. Let's go birds. This eagle comes swooping down, lands on your shoulder, and this eagle has a magic spell already cast on it, so you don't need to cast anything. It can talk, and this eagle tells you that not only can it guide you to the mountain, it also has seen something strange. It knows that there are

two, it takes you a while. It's like the air that is hard to see through. You're like, you're talking about smoke? He's like, yes, that. And he's seen two sources of smoke on this mountain. One seems like it's coming from a campfire from the front of the mountain, the western side where we've heard the mountain door into the mountain is. You also know the eagle saying there is smoke apparently at the top of the mountain for some reason as well. But you don't know what that would be about necessarily.

So you got us an eagle guide who's going to be able to lead us to the mountain and have some interesting, weird information. Good stuff, Hippo Maximus. Can the eagle talk to everyone else or just to me? I will leave it up to you. I would like for the eagle to only talk to me. The eagle will whisper in your ear.

It doesn't understand names, this eagle. I think it's trailing. I'm an eagle. What do you mean? And you can name it whatever you want. Big Dom? Big Dom, yeah. Big Dom's good. It says, my name is Gah, but I'll go by Big Dom. Absolutely. Big Dom the eagle, 100%. Now, Hippo Maximus, you still have a bonus action. Don't.

But I do want to take this opportunity just to let you know the only thing you can really do with a bonus action is turn into an animal. So you could turn into an animal right now if you wanted to, or you could wait until a future turn. I'll save that. Save that. Nah, I'm going to save that. Dude, you got a double eagle. Why not double eagle? I'm going to save that. You have a chance to double eagle right now? Yeah, I'm going to have a double eagle later. Albatross. It's going to be tough to fly in a cave, man. You don't know that. You should have double eagles. You don't know how big his cave is. All right. We'll remember that. You could definitely wild shape into an eagle, by the way. You could turn into a same size eagle or a bigger eagle.

We'll remember that you didn't double eagle. I will double eagle at some point. I'm not wasting my double eagle this early. You'd just be an eagle for life. You could stay in your eagle form for future turns. Sounds like he's not confident in his eagles. No, it's too late. I'm staying in my certainty. You can save the double eagle. Absolutely. I don't want to double eagle too early like the football team did last year. We got a double eagle late in the season. Think about it. I thought about it. Makes sense. Yeah.

Think about it. Good turn, Hippo Maximus. Absolutely. That is going to bring us to Wade. So Max found a bird with his... Yes. Okay, that was his entire turn. Way to go, dude. Yeah, you found a bird in the woods. You're good, dude. You guys don't know anything about guidance. You know nothing about guidance. You want so badly for this entire game to go through you? It does go through me. You're trying to snatch this game. He just said that I am the leader of this tribe right now leading us to the mountain. Actually, Big Dom kind of is. That's... Yeah. Big Dom can only talk to me, though. Uh...

Big Dom only has one person's number here. Yeah, I met Big Dom one time, and he liked me way more than you. You want me to text Big Dom the eagle right now? We're talking about an eagle in this game right now named Big Dom. I don't know what you guys are talking about. Is the eagle safe from an orc chief? Are the eagles good against chiefs? This eagle only has like three hit points.

Yeah, not a particular. Yeah, chiefs are fucking up. Like if the eagle's sleeping on the ground and my guy, what's his name? Steel toe? Magnus Steeltoe. Magnus Steeltoe. If he just accidentally like steps on the eagle. His name's Steeltoe. Yeah. Literally. Yeah. Okay. All right. I hope that doesn't happen. Was this eagle like really good two years ago? And now there's questions about whether or not the eagle will still be good. That seem to have some silver feathers kind of. Let's just say, let's hope this eagle stays safe.

Don't say it. What? It would be a shame for you to die? Don't say the shame word. Okay.

PFT, no pressure. We all have dates. Yeah, you have dates. Max has a bird he's going to fuck. Okay, so I'm amongst my people, right? You are amongst your people. You know, there's a huge dwarven population in town, maybe even your family. Okay, so what else is in town? Bring your sister. You know, there's the Temple of Morden, temple of all dwarven kind. You know, there's like potion shops and stuff, the local bar. If you're looking for something else, like a shop that sells other things potentially, there's a lot of different stuff in this town. Is there a weapon shop in town? There's definitely a weapon shop.

I think I should go to the weapon shop. The issue is that we have weapons already, and it would be hard to get better weapons. The better weapons we could get are magic weapons. They might sell those, but they're generally pretty expensive, and that's part of why we would go to the mountains, to get some magic weapons. But if you go to the weapon shop, they definitely do sell weapons. You know what? I'm going to go visit my family. Absolutely. $100.

They'd get very angry if they knew I was in town. Absolutely. They probably have weapons and stuff, too, amongst your family, 100%. You can definitely go visit them. Where would your family... What kind of house would your family sort of live in? I think...

In a cave. They're dwarves. So they might have an underground house below the city streets 100%. So they got this cave kind of set up. Immediately, your parents open arms. You're my boy. Welcome home, Wayne, Wayne. Absolutely. Your brother Garth is there as well. Or sorry, your cousin.

You've got all your siblings, all your cousins are gathered in the cave right now. They are all embracing you and they're all having, they're putting together a dinner now to celebrate your arrival in town. Okay, great. So I'd like to talk to them and see what they know about how to access this cave door. Like where exactly that key might be. You haven't seen your family in so long. That's what you're going with? Yes, yes.

It's transactional. Absolutely. You're particularly good at persuasion. You have a plus six and you have advantage on them, of course, because they're your family. So you can roll two times on the D20 and take the higher number. Okay. Oh, sorry. That's a D. Oh, that's a 30. D20 is here. Okay. D20. Here we go. 15. Already great. Pretty good.

And seven. Seven. With a 15, that's plus six is a dirty 21. And with a 21 in all, you get three things from your family. I am going to say, you mentioned like, are you focusing more on like other ways you said into the mountain or to get into the vault? So I think we need to find where the key is, right? Is the key, because we can't break into this vault. It's too secure. Yes. I think the only way that we can get in is if we have the key. They tell you that they...

they had heard from an orc that they didn't capture but like a local caravan was fighting against the orcs they took a prisoner one of your brothers was on that caravan and he says when they interrogated the orc they said that one of the orcs had

had found a key recently and it was just a casual note while they were like torturing him kind of and you didn't think anything of it until he didn't think anything of it until you mentioned that you're looking for the key to this vault at the same time no orcs have shown up with any gold or magic axes or anything so even though apparently an orc has found the key they still haven't opened up the

door yet. They're too dumb. Absolutely. You could ask more about what do you know about who found the key or why are they not opening the door or you could ask something else. Can I borrow some money? You could definitely borrow some money. They're going to give you 100 gold pieces and with that you could buy two healing potions or buy other stuff. Okay. So do I get another question or is that it? You get one more now. Okay.

I want to see which one of my family is really ride or die. Like who wants to come with me on this great adventure? 100%. You can definitely get one family member to come with you. Would this be your cousin, your brother, one of your parents? Who would you like to bring? Sister. Sister? Back off. Do I have a sister? You could have a sister. Like full blood sister or step sister? Is she hot, Tim? You could have a step sister. I have a step sister. Yeah, I'll bring my step sister. Step sister. Uh-huh.

She immediately wants to know your question. She says, what are you doing, stepbrother? And she is going to join you on your quest 100%. She sounds hot. Yeah, absolutely. That's her. She talks like this. Good to see you. Absolutely. I'm stuck. Is she a strong woman? I'm going to roll her charisma first of all.

Your sister's super fucking hot, dude. Step-sister. Step-sister. She got a 19 out of 20 on the hotness scale. That's wild. That's a solid 9.5. What hockey team would she be a fan of? 18 out of 20!

Those are huge doors and titties. Dude, that's so sick for you. Yeah, they are. What hockey team, would you be a fan of the Edmonton Oilers? Yes. Absolutely, yeah. 100%. Does she want to join? Yes, 100%. And you know that your sister has gotten drunk in bars. Step-sister. Step-sister has gotten drunk in bars. Kind of sometimes had some fun. Is it sister or step-sister? Step-sister. Step-sister. I keep saying sister, step-sister.

Are we certain or can we find out later that it's just sister? I'm going to roll for that secretly. Good to know. I didn't know we did secret rolls here. I hate to bring this up, but I have actually been following your stepsister on Instagram for a while. Oh, that's messed up. Wait, respectfully. Did you know she was my stepsister? Might have. We still don't know. Yeah, we still don't know. She could be a real sister.

She doesn't seem to have an OnlyFans. Okay. Oh, yeah. I just rolled for it. I have an OnlyFans. She swiped up on my story. Said LMAO. It wasn't even a funny post. We have a business opportunity, it sounds like. Unless you want a name for your sister, I'll name her Vera. Unless you have something else. Vera's good. Yeah, absolutely. So your stepsister Vera will be coming along on this quest with us. I'm going to roll how good she is at combat.

Hey, your stepsister's great at fighting, actually. 100%. Total package. 100%. Absolutely. All right. Before I leave, can I just say what's up to my stepmom? Absolutely. Yeah. 100%. You say what's up to your stepmom. Absolutely. That'll be your bonus action. You give her a little tip of the cap. 100%. Just roll me a D20 real quick.

11. 11. Anything could happen. Anything could happen here, 100%. We'll never know what happens. We'll never know, absolutely. Wayne, great stuff, absolutely. You got 100 gold pieces, some good information, and a stepsister. And Erlich, what would you like to do on your turn?

I think I'd like to go to the potion shop. Yes, absolutely. So the potion shop, incidentally, is run by a dwarven family. They are a couple. It seems the husband is a wizard. The wife is an artificer, actually, a tinkerer who crafts things. But it's the husband who makes a lot of the potions. And as you walk in, you notice that they're doing a thing that you've seen dwarves in

societies do. They're both walking around on these elevated mechanical shoes that they can crank to like give them extra height and stuff. And they're walking around in the shops. So they're like actually towering above you right now, but they would be eye to eye height with a human basically. And as soon as they see you, they go, Oh, welcome. Come on in, come on in. And they press buttons on their shoes and say,

go down to gnome height level. And what would you like to do or say here? You're noticing there's a ton of healing potions as well as lots of other potions. What other type of potions are there? I want to get something that can deal with orcs. Roll me an arcana check to see. One of the orcs knows exactly. Yeah, we got to hunt down those orcs. We're going to be running into orcs. Orcs are going to be the enemy in this quest. It definitely seems that way. Hank and PFD, I texted you something.

19. 19, plus your Arcana bonus, which I believe is a plus 6, is that right? Plus 5. Plus 5, absolutely. Okay, with a 24, you're going to see four different types of potions. You see, first of all, a potion of invisibility. This potion would allow you to turn invisible until you cast a spell or attack. Once you do that, it breaks invisibility at that point.

You also see a potion of heroism. If you drink a potion of heroism, you become braver and you get extra hit points, basically, when you are in combat. Were there other potions you were hoping to find around here? Any potions that you were hoping would have a specific effect of some sort?

You definitely find healing potions of all different sizes and shapes. Invisibility, heroism, anything else you were hoping to find here? Heroism, I heard you do that once and then you're hooked for life. I'll do the invisibility. Absolutely, 100%. So they tell you that the invisibility potion is about 300 gold pieces. You could try to persuade them to give you that for a discount or you could try to steal it maybe or something along those lines. Maybe I could like...

steal it and take them hostage. Kill one of them and take the other one hostage. Why are you trying to murder these nice people? I need a date. It's a mom and pop shop. I need a date. I'm running out of time. That doesn't sound very consensual to me. Is there a love potion there?

There could be. So I'll say the other ones are you find a love potion and you find poison as well. Those are the four other types of potions you found. So invisibility, heroism, poison, and love potion. How much is a poison cheaper? Poison's cheaper. Yeah, poison's only 50 gold pieces. Oh. I think I'll do the poison. You could afford one of those for free and you could haggle with them to get more poison if you wanted. Roll the haggle? Yeah. That'll be a persuasion. Or are you being mean to them and

If anything, they're like, wait a minute. We don't know if we should really. What are you going to do with that poison? That's the penalty for the one. Are you going to do something bad with that poison? Are you going to do something bad with that poison is exactly what they said. No, I'm going to do something good and give it to an enemy. Well, okay, but who's your enemy? Orcs. Orcs? Oh, wow. And they look at each other.

They just slide the potion over. Good haggling. Absolutely. They don't give you an extra healing poison potion, but they give you one poison. Sorry, one should do the trick. Yeah. And so you got a little poison, Erlik. That was only your bonus action. Was there anything else you wanted to ask them for or do here? Maybe ask them what this poison could kill. Like, how big of a thing could it kill? I think I have a good idea with that. My gut...

My gut tells me that they would tell you it deals like they tell you how lethal it is. It's like 2d8 damage. You think this safe is in the West? It keeps everyone keeps talking about the East, but if it was in the East and they have the key, they would find it. I feel like it's a bait and switch. We think they've found it and they've also one orc has found the key, but they haven't opened it. Earlier, we definitely concluded that you can't hide this door. How do we find an orc that has seen the safe?

Is there an orc that's found the safe with the axe? I just want to say this is why we usually try to kill Hank. Apparently, we know an orc has found the key. We think the orcs have probably located the vault because it's super hard to find. If you're looking for an orc, they'd all be up at the mountain right now. My family already told us all this, Hank. Everybody's told us these. Everybody. We literally know this. All right, let's go then. We're not going to kill you for this, but strike one.

So you've got your tiny thing of poison and ready to go? Yep. Absolutely. You got your poison, 100%. And that will bring us back again to Norm. By the way, I... Oh, sorry? Is he alone? He's alone. Yep. Oh, that's... So he's outnumbered? That does seem to be... Neither of the gnomes is coming with you on this class, unfortunately, it seems. You've got your poison. He's a ninth wheel. Yeah. Absolutely. He had a donkey right there. It was so easy for him.

And Norm, you can do anything you want in town or you could be the one to set out to the mountain with the help of, in theory, the Eagle Guide who's guiding us. I might have made a mistake. I didn't realize Max was on the text chain. I sent something. Oh, yeah. That was such a shame. But you're not even at a point where that could even be possible. What'd I say? I'm not saying it.

I don't think Max has his phone. I might have texted and said that we got to kill Max's ego ASAP. Okay, can I get all the boys? Can we go? Let's do it. You can rally the boys 100%. I'll lead. Whose turn is it?

But you said, let's gather the boys. I lead the boys to the mountain. You're so pressed over being the leader of this group. It's your turn right now. In theory, on your turn, you could skip to the point where the eagle, essentially on the eagle's turn, has already led us to the mountain and then do your turn at the mountain. All right. Eagles led us to the mountain. Do I need to explain that I was gone for 15 minutes and got gay married? No.

Only if you want to. There are like all these four very young, totally helpless dwarves who can't do anything who are carrying an equally helpless old dwarf on his shoulders. This is how the conversation went. Go ahead, tell me. Hey, there's probably something that's going to shock you. You've never thought this ever. Um,

I'm gay. Yeah, cool, man. We knew. Okay. All right. And the dwarven hybrid says, apparently, I am too. And this is all news to him. Imagine coming out in Oompa Loompa costume.

Okay, so we're at the mountain. Yeah, at the mountain. And what you can tell, partially with the eagle's help, is you see that on the western side of the mountain, there is, in fact, the trailing smoke of a campfire. If you circle around to that side of the mountain, you can just barely glimpse through the trees two shapes around that campfire. It looks like there are a pair of orcs on lookout duty. One of them is sharpening his axe down.

The other one is like picking his nose right now, not really paying attention. Behind them, you can see a tunnel that goes into the mountain, and the dwarves have told us that that tunnel leads into the mountain to the mountain door, the front entrance. Yes. But the eagle also points out really only to you that there is another larger plume of smoke at the top of the mountain. Even though it's not your turn, you can point this out to your teammates or just keep it to yourself. I would love to point this out to my teammates. Oh, that's a smart move. Mm-hmm.

Okay, so what do you guys think? Should we go to the top? You just know how helpful this evil is. Should we just go in the mountain? Should we get inside the mountain? Right now, you know that if you just try to get inside the mountain, those two orc lookouts are going to see you as soon as you start approaching, and they're probably going to be hostile immediately. Yeah, but I'm a fucking badass. Certainly, yes. 100%. So let's kill these two orcs and then go into the mountains.

Absolutely. Yeah, let's do it. You can rush right at these orcs. With your bonus action, you could rage. And then with your action, you could run into melee with one of them and swing your axe at him. Okay. Would you like to go for the one who's picking his nose or the one who's sharpening his axe? Yeah, let me just kill the one with the axe. The one who's sharpening his axe, absolutely. So you're going to roll. Oh, before you roll, are you going reckless on this attack? Yeah, fuck yeah, I'm going reckless. Yes, absolutely. Roll two times. I'm going to mark you down as reckless, Norm. So if they attack you, they'll also have advantage.

That was a two. Two, so ignore that one. Not great. Oh, shit. I gotta stop doing that. That feels like how Doc Ock would roll his dice too, is with the gloves. That is a 14. 14 plus six for your great, plus seven for your great axe attack is a dirty 21. That is absolutely a hit and you can roll a D12 plus, oh, sorry. Are you using a great axe or a great sword?

Whatever one was going to cause the most damage. This is the one that's going to cause the most damage. The Great Sword. 2d6 plus 6 damage.

I got a five and a three. Five and a three, so eight plus six, 14, brings this orc down to a single hit point left. He's almost dead. You thought you killed him? He's holding this gash across his throat. He stumbles against the stone wall, and then just as you think he's about to slip down to the ground, he grits himself, pushes himself off the wall, grabs his axe, and begins trying to stomp back

towards you. The other orc is like, "Fuck!" and reaching for his axe right now. I'm gonna roll to see when they are gonna go. Luckily, they are not going next. The orcs are only gonna go

right after Wayne's turn. So Norm, you just went. These orcs don't get a chance to go until after Wayne's turn. That means we still have Greg, Hippo Maximus, and Wayne who get to go who can try to finish this. And I apologize, you get a second attack now. Oh my god. Your turn is over. Would you like to go reckless on this attack? Yeah, fuck yeah, I do. And are you attacking the full strength orc or the one with one hit point left?

Let me just go after the full strength. Let me just get them both down so that we can just leave them to clean up. All right, so the D20. You're going reckless again. Absolutely. D20. That's a 19. Already a hit. And then just roll again to see if you crit. That is a four. We'll take the 19 plus seven. That is a solid hit for another 2D6 plus seven.

Six damage. That's a six and a two. Six and a two. So another eight plus six brings this guy down to one hit point left. There are two orcs. Each of them is at one hit point left. They're just looking at each other like, who the

fuck is this guy they're terrified now you can tell their strategy has changed they don't want to fight you anymore they're looking at the tunnel behind them they're about to run to get more orcs but Greg you are up next what would you like to do I would like to ask Wayne's stepsister to watch me absolutely 100% okay as a bonus action I will let you make a persuasion check to make sure she's watching you very close 20 yes

14. 14. You have a plus six, so that's a dirty 20. She's watching you and licking her lips. Oh. Oh, shit. I'd like to take off the top portion of my armor. You do, 100%. You've got just the shoulder plates and nothing else. Cool. I say watch this, and I will charge in. Absolutely. With a...

Divine Smite. Yes, absolutely. Now, there's two ways you can do this. You could either run at them with your longsword and attack, or you could charge on your moth with your lance. Either weapon will allow you to Divine Smite. That's pretty cool. I think I know what I'm doing. I'm going to charge with my lance.

No, I will also point out each of these orcs has one hit point left. Your divine smite deals extra damage. You can do a divine smite many times per day. So you could do one now, but it would be overkill, you think? I want to impress this woman. What does your gay husband think of this? He's so old. He's probably not even paying. He doesn't care. I'm sure he doesn't care. He fell asleep. Is he rich?

has a lot of authority. He's not rich because he's a priest, but he has a lot of authority in town. If you were to die, would Nick inherit anything? Yeah, I would say you would be kept as like a, almost like a pet concubine in the temple kind of thing.

Oh, you're like a concubine, eh? Kind of, yeah. Maybe like the old concubine of the high priest, the old husband. Like, we've got to feed you and take care of you and give you housing for your whole life. I don't... Oh, man. I feel as if that was a misstep. Now, all you need to do is hit one of these orcs with your lance. You get to roll a d20 plus, I think, six for your lance? It is plus six. Absolutely. So, ten...

And six. Absolutely. So, uh, with a ten plus six, uh, that's a sixteen, that is just barely a hit against the orc. You don't even need to roll damage. Your lance goes right through the chest of one of the orcs, and with your divine smite, they explode from within. What does your divine smite look like? Is it like glowing light? Is it holy fire?

It's a glowing purple light. A glowing purple light seems to fill up this creature from within. The orc is this big, brutish, green-skinned warrior with tusks coming out of his mouth and beady red eyes. You see his eyes turn purple. Purple light comes out of his mouth. He explodes. Pieces go everywhere. You also get two attacks per turn. Can I turn around and wink at the stepsister before he explodes? You absolutely do. I loosened it for you? No heavens no. While you're winking at her.

You couldn't finish the job. She grabs your shoulder, shakes it, and goes, he doesn't even look at the explosions. That's a cool guy. And so she's interested. You get another attack, and you could do it against the other orc outside now, if you wish. Yeah, finish this guy off. You also think you notice that there is a little bit of noise coming from deeper in the mountain. You could do something about that if you want, or you could just finish off this other orc.

I'm going to finish him off. Absolutely. You do another d20 plus 6. A 6? 6 plus 6. I'm sorry to say he's only a 12. You turn around to attack the other guy with your lance. He dodges out of the way, I'm sorry to say. Oh, that's embarrassing. So we got one orc still trying to run. Great turn, Greg. Thank you. What does my stepsister say about him not being able to finish off two guys? I think...

she's actually pretty disappointed. She goes, oh yeah, thinking he's about to kill both orcs, the first two enemies we've seen and like get credit for those kills. And she goes, oh, and she's like devastated. You can tell right now. Hippo Maximus, we are up to you next.

We'll get back to D&D. It's brought to you by NASCAR. It's coming to Chicago this summer. Two days full of racing and non-stop entertainment. Fourth of July weekend, NASCAR racing through downtown Chicago and the iconic Grant Park. Entertainment-filled weekend with your favorite artists featuring Keith Urban, the Chainsmokers, the Black Keys, and Lauren Alaina.

The 2024 Chicago Street Race will be the most talked about event of the summer. NASCAR is returning to the iconic streets of downtown Chicago. Purchase Barstool's $99 special ticket offer for general admission on Sunday. Check it out. NASCAR is back. We're all excited. They're going to go fast. They're going to go left. They're also going to be going through the streets of Chicago. It's going to be a fun race to watch. Come see it in person. Buy the $99 special ticket offer for general admission on Sunday.

D&D is also brought to you by Proper 12. Believe it or not, summer is already here, but don't worry, AWLs. You don't need to give up your whiskey just because the weather's warming up. We've partnered with Proper 12 to bring you the unofficially official drink of the summer, the Proper PMT. That's Proper P-M-T-E-A. Mix up two parts of your favorite iced tea, one part of rich and smooth Proper 12. Serve over ice with a lemon slice. It's a great way to get rid of the cold.

So easy, even Max could make it right. The Proper PMT tastes so good because it uses rich and smooth Proper 12 Irish Whiskey, an award-winning blend of golden grain and single malt aged four years in bourbon barrels, because anything else just wouldn't be proper. The Proper PMT tastes like the unofficially official drink of the summer. Pick up some rich and smooth Proper 12 today. Try it for yourself.

And now, more D&D. So I still need to finish off one of these orcs. There is one orc left, that is true. All it would take is like, you know, a level zero spell or something easy. Like, this orc only has a single hit point left. So something that like maybe the eagle could take care of. The eagle could actually deal enough damage to kill this orc. Yeah, if you tell the eagle to swoop in, the eagle can attack. I would like to prove his value to this team here. Please.

And I would like for the eagle to finish this man. Please roll me a d20. What does he need to finish this man? What number? He needs to get a 13, and you get a d20 plus 3 to hit this orc. This is very, very easy, Ted. This is like a buccaneer that you have to finish off. You should crush this buccaneer. It's 50-50, so it's not that easy. You should crush him. Inferior opponent. Get 10 or higher.

That would be a one. One? Oh my god. So what that means is... You suck, dude. As this orc is stumbling around... This was the second orc who Norm attacked, so he got a slash across the chest, I'm going to say. He's bleeding profusely, trying to hold the wound together. He looks like he's trying to... He grabbed his axe. He looks like he's going to run for the tunnel. He sees...

Oh, this eagle comes swooping down. He goes, oh, fuck. Dodges out of the way. The eagle crashes into a rock and flops onto the ground and is flapping around for a little bit, like, trying to get back up. The orc seizes opportunity, takes his axe, and goes to bring it down upon the eagle. I'm going to roll one free attack against the eagle now. No.

He got a total of a 14, which is enough to hit the eagle. Your eagle has... Yeah, this is a guarantee. Yep, that's enough. The eagle is slain, I am sorry to say. It had three hit points. It took six damage. That's not a knockout. That's an insta-kill, I am sorry to say. That's on you.

If you had been able to kill, all you had to do was... You still have your fault. Oh, my God. Do you feel like you were ever confident in the eagle? Including more in the eagle. I just wanted to show the eagle's value. Well, the eagle's dead now because you can't fucking do anything. But you guys didn't kill it. You guys wanted to kill it. You guys didn't do anything. The eagle tried to call out, remember me, but he got a one. Oh, the eagle sucks. He didn't even die. He didn't even get it out.

Yeah, that's back coaching. It was a good start to the season for the Eagle, and then it really, really crashed and burned pretty heavily there when you thought that it was going to be pretty easy to finish the job, and it just didn't finish the job. Literally crashed and burned. It's very specific. Yeah. About an Eagle you knew for five minutes. Yeah, no, that's not true. That Eagle was a friend of mine.

No, really, you sent him to die. I sent him to be a hero. You couldn't defend your own fucking eagles. If you had a 50-50 shot, would you send your friend and be like, it's 50-50 if you live, but go ahead. It actually wasn't 50-50. He was very able to win that.

The orc, by the way, has just grabbed your eagle by one of the legs and is still trying to run inside the mountain, but now he's in one hand also carrying the eagle. I need to avenge my eagle. I need to avenge my eagle. So it still only has one... It only got one hit point. It should go well. This orc's doing a lot for one hit point. Will go well. Okay.

What do I need? What do I need? Well, it depends on what attack you're doing. You could use a level zero spell like Produce Flame, and that would still kill this orc. You could hurl fire at him. You could do a Thorn Whip, which is like the scorpion move in Mortal Kombat. You shoot out a vine. It wraps around him, digs thorns into him, and then you do the, like, get over here. Thorn Whip for sure. Thorn Whip is pretty rad. Roll me a d20 plus six to see if you hit with your Thorn Whip.

That would be 17. There we go. 17 plus 6 is a 23. You wrap your thorns around his neck, and it pulls his head right off. You see the orc's head go flying through the air. He falls dead to the ground. Well done. The orc is slain. We didn't need that eagle anyway, guys. Only cost you your fucking eagle, dude. No, no. I didn't even really care about that eagle. You didn't get a single hit off that orc. You got no hit. I killed that orc.

Yeah, you could have just killed the orc. You instead got your eagle killed. The eagle wanted to show his value to the team. All right? He went down a warrior. He went down for all of you, and all of you are showing disrespect to the eagle. That's a waste of an eagle.

Yeah, you could have just done the job yourself. You're not overlooking the selfish aspect of this whole transaction. No selfishness. You are absolutely looking at the dead orc who has just fallen to the ground. Hippo Maximus, that would have been your full turn, but I will say you also, as well as Greg, notice you're hearing noise inside the mountain, apparently. Can I ask, do you have the perception skill by any chance?

I do not. Just making sure. Absolutely. Then Wayne, that is going to bring us to you next. What would you like to do? The two orcs outside are slain. We did a great job with that. And the eagle is dead. The eagle is also dead. Yes. Steeltoe's alive, right? Steeltoe's still alive. My gay husband's around. Gay husband is still around. Yes. 100%. You're cheating on your gay husband. That's fine. Incidentally, I never gave you a chance to send Steeltoe into battle. He, you know, he's slow. He was catching up. But Steeltoe. Now, on your turn, anytime you want to send him into battle, you absolutely can. I wouldn't do that to Steeltoe. Mm-hmm.

I want to keep... I'm a good friend. So it sounds like there's a bunch of orcs that are deep inside this mountain, right? Sounds like it, definitely. Okay. And since I am a dwarf, I would assume my stepsister also has advantage when it comes to deception and persuasion? Yeah, I would say so, 100%. Could I send my stepsister into the mountain...

and have her try to seduce all the orcs. - Yes, you absolutely could have her do so. So as he starts approaching the mountain, first I'll give her a bonus action perception check to see if she notices something. Roll me a d20 for her to see if she's noticing something as she gets closer to the tunnel. - Oh, that's not great. - That's six? Nah, she's not noticing anything. She starts to go down the tunnel

She calls out, oh, there's the door here. Check it out. It's open already. I'm going to poke my head in. And you can see her looking at these big double doors that the orcs have apparently left open. Big enough for an orc to come in and out. These doors are so big, apparently they got lazy and got sick of opening them and shutting them for the lookout. So they just leave them open. You see her stick her head through, and you hear what sounds like two orcs very far away from your stepsister, Korten.

going, as they suddenly see her, and she goes, hey, what's up, good looking? And you can roll a d20 plus...

Whatever your deception is. My deception is plus eight. Plus eight, absolutely. She'll also have a plus eight. That's a nine. Absolutely. With a nine plus eight, I'm going to roll to make sure these orcs are tricked. The first orc is like whistling at her. The second orc, let me re-roll that one. The second orc

Sounds like he's trying to shout something at the other orcs. You speak a little bit of orcish, and you can tell he's trying to warn the other orc, this is a trap right now. He got a critical hit, you think, on his analysis of the situation. Okay, so I guess the entire goal here is we're trying to find the key, right? Correct. Correct.

So we need to find out, do we look at either the orcs' bodies outside? You could search them right now. I want to see if the orcs outside have the key. You search them. They don't have any key. No key. Okay. So I think, should we just go in and fuck these orcs up? Yeah, we got to get through this door. Yeah, let's... Okay. So I'm going to go up to my stepsister and be like, hey, are these guys bothering you as I go in? Absolutely. She goes, no, they're cool. And she points them out to you. You see in this room, you're looking at a ledge and...

that then drops off into a vast, deep chasm far down into the earth. Sounds like that's maybe where the key is. And so you are remembering the key fell into a chasm long ago, apparently. Which we had an eagle to fly down there. The orcs would have...

sorry, the dwarves would have had this chasm when they originally controlled the mountain, and they probably had like a narrow bridge, like Khazad-dum in Lord of the Rings, where it's like a narrow bridge that the Balrog was on. But that bridge is broken long ago. You can tell that the orcs tried to rebuild the bridge, but it looks like their bridge is really shitty. It's just one rope going across these chasms, and then two handhold ropes to climb across. And you can see that there are two orcs on the other side of the chasm. One of them has a

bow and still has an arrow trained on your sister and your stepsister and on you and is going back and forth and like shouting at the other orc. The other orc had raised an axe like he was going to cut the bridge and then he put his axe down and he's like whistling through his fingers kind of.

Okay, so it sounds like these orcs are like bouncers, and one of them is like, oh, that's a hot chick. You guys can come in. The other sees my whole crew, and they're like, too many dudes. Exactly. Okay, can I bribe the doorman to get in? Because I've got my gold that my family gave me. You do have the gold, 100%. You can shake the gold bag at the orc who's still suspicious of this trap right now. Make me another deception check for yourself. Okay.

15. With a 15 plus 8 for deception. You go, hey, want this gold? And the archer goes, and because you got that number, I'm going to say he tries to cross over the bridge to come to you. So does the orc with the axe, I'm going to say. Now that he's not being told not to. So the orc with the axe comes over to try to make out with your stepsister. He succeeds at crossing the bridge. Oh, no. And he starts going over to your stepsister, the orc with the bow. Oh, no.

Does not do so well. As he's coming over for the gold, he's almost making it. Do you kind of like put it out of his reach a little bit and make it hard for him to reach for the gold? Yeah, I've got it like on a string and I'm just pulling it back. Perfect, you're pulling it back, the string. As he reaches for it, you go for one last pull. He lunges, he's like, oh, I know this guy's going to try to yank it. He lunges to try to grab it, slips on the rope, screams, falls down into the chasm. Well done. This other orc...

Gets very upset immediately. Stops trying to make out with your stepsister. Turns and then immediately realizes my friend was right. This is a fucking trap. Takes his axe and starts getting ready to fight one of you. Your stepsister is like, oh, what's going on? Well, I thought we had something here. But this orc is now very suspicious of both of you. I'm going to roll him into initiative. He's going to try to do something. We're going to instantly redistract it.

He's going to go after Norm's next turn unless we stop him. Anything else you would like to do on your turn? You can inspire somebody as a bonus action. Yeah, can I inspire my stepsister? I would like to inspire her by maybe playing some Edmonton Oilers pregame music. Okay, absolutely. And have her react to that however she might. I'll say she gets another deception check on this, or this will be persuasion. She immediately tries to make out with this orc.

That's a 16. 16 plus 6 is what she would also have for persuasion. With a 22, the orc doesn't even get a roll. He cannot resist your stepsister. And she goes up to him and grabs him and pulls him down and starts making out with him. Wait, wait, wait. No. First she says, do I have your consent? She says, do I have your consent? And the orc goes, fuck yeah. And she pulls him down. They start making out hardcore right in front of the bridge. Wait, ask again. Ask again. Because he has the consent. Now ask again.

About what? The consent. Because she said, fuck yeah. When you ask for consent when you already have consent, that's the hottest. Yeah, so she says, do I have your consent? He says, fuck yeah. And then she says, do I have your consent? He's like, that's so hot. After you're making out, she learned the ways of your secret family techniques and she pulls away just a half an inch and says, wait, I'm sorry. I didn't hear you. Come on! Oh, fuck!

Oh, and he's losing it. And she's grinning like she knows exactly what she's doing. Finish him off. And it's just foreplay. It's just foreplay. And so, well done, Wayne. Absolutely. Both of the chasm orcs, one fell into the chasm, the other one, hardcore making out with your stepsister until further notice. Nice. Am I getting hot watching this? Roll to see if you're getting hot. I am, okay.

This is to resist getting hot. This may be your sister. Okay, 10. This could be your sister. This could be your sister. You're doing okay resisting how hot it is. I'm watching. You can voluntarily fail the saving throw and just accept that it is hot. I'm going to give in to myself. You give in and you just accept like as much as I might be trying to resist it. I can't deny how hot this is 100%. And his tusks are kind of getting in the way of her little bits of dwarven beard, which all of your sisters would have just a little bit of that going on.

But it's hot. She does have a 19 charisma. It's hot dwarven beard. And that is going to bring us from your turn, Wayne. Very well done. The orcs actually... Oh, sorry. Those were the orcs outside. They're dead now. Erlik, we're up to you now. Well done. What would you like to do? I think I'd like to disguise myself as an orc and then go deeper into the...

mountain to set a trap on the other orcs. Absolutely. So you can use the spell. I believe you have the spell disguise self. Is that what you were thinking of? Immediately you create an illusion of a smaller... I want to be the orc that fell in.

So people think I'm alive.

Let's just cross the bridge. Go ahead and roll a d20. You'd be adding either athletics or acrobatics to this if you have either of those skills. If not, you have a plus two. No athletics here. Can't jump. 16. 16 plus two is an 18. You crossed the bridge. No problem. It's a little tough going, but you make it to the other side of the ledge. There is a big set of double doors right here, which you could easily push open. And you're just coming home, so no one would be suspicious of this.

You open up into a larger cavern, and there are a bunch of different ways to go. With the little bit of perception you have, I'm going to give you an idea of what you hear down each of these tunnels. But I'm going to start on your left-hand side, on the northern side of the room. You're going east direction right now. And on the northern side of the room, on your left, you see two different hallways. One goes west, like back the way you came, and then one goes east.

And there is a door along the northern wall that has someone very big and very loud snoring on the other side of it. You can roll an Arcana check right now to see if you know. That sounds bigger than an orc. Six or nine. Which one? The dot would be at the bottom. Six. Six. Do you have an Arcana bonus under skills?

Yes, plus five. Plus five with an 11. I'll tell you this. It's definitely bigger than an orc, but it's smaller than a giant. So something in between those sizes. Sounds like this thing is really lazy and it's sleeping in and it's missing work maybe. Absolutely. 100%. Okay. Absolutely. I feel like this might be like Harry Potter. They put the big giant thing right in front of the door that they're trying to guard. You are.

You also know, so those three ways to go, west, east hall, and then that northern door to a bedroom, apparently, or something snoring there. And then on the right-hand side, the southern wall, there are two tunnels that are sealed up with these wooden frames that are then plugged up with, like, mud and waddle. It's giving you, like, prison bar vibes. Like, the orcs would come over, yank these plugs out. They're not doors. They're more like plugs. And then...

Put them back in place. You think you hear from one some sort of like growling and then from the other some people maybe talking. And then there is one final tunnel that goes to the southeast kind of ahead of you and then to the right. And you can hear an orc chanting down that tunnel. So you got six different ways to go. You're disguised at the moment. Which way would you like to go?

What do you guys think? Should I go? I feel I'm not going to be able to talk. We're with him, right? Not yet. No. Not yet because we haven't crossed the bridge yet. I'm disguised though. I'm on a disguised mission. So it's actually better that you're alone right now. So I feel like if I go to the giant, he's not going to give me much information. If I go to the orcs, I can maybe find some shit out.

Okay. Trust your gut. Yeah, it's your call. All right, let's go to the chanting orc. You go to the chanting orc. Absolutely. As you go down that tunnel. Wrong choice. Wrong choice. You immediately see that there is an orc woman wearing heavier armor than usual. She has a spear.

spear that she is waving over what looked like some potion bottles in front of a roaring fire, like she's cooking them. And then you notice her spear is dripping blood. You're looking for where the blood's coming from. You do not see where the blood is coming from. It's magically generating on the spear and she's dripping the blood into these bottles while chanting and doing some sort of ritual. As she turns, she

It's clear that she's expecting you to know this already, but you're shocked slightly when you see an eye patch. She has an eye patch with a crazy bleeding eye symbol. Do you have the religion skill by any chance? I do not. You do not. Roll me a D. This wouldn't be Arcana. Roll me a D20 plus. Your Arcana is plus six. Plus five. Plus five. So that means you would have a plus six.

Two on religion. Roll me a d20 plus two. I got a 13. 13 plus two. This is just enough with a 15 that you know we're dealing with an orcish shaman dedicated to the orc god of bloodshed, Grumpsh the One-Eyed. It is said that the orc god lost his eye fighting the god of the elves, and as a result he hates elves now, and all of his shamans gouge out their left eye.

That is what she did ceremonially, and now she has a cool eye patch and can do, you think, like battle magic and blood magic and stuff like that. She's a very important person in an orc tribe, usually, and she starts talking to you in orcish. You don't really speak much orcish. I will let you try an intelligence check to see if you can speak with her in the language that she knows to be your native tongue.

I'd be a nine. Nine plus two for intelligence. I will say that you can try to talk to her, but you have disadvantage on your checks to talk to her. You think what she's saying to you is, how is the chasm? Have you been, and she's saying something about the partner, the guy with the axe who would have guarded the chasm with you, but you don't know exactly what she's saying. Would you like to say something to her or? Yeah, maybe I act like I'm really drunk. Yeah.

That actually works pretty well. She starts, like, waving you off, like, oh, you're drunk right now, man. You do know that in the cavern you just went through, there were, like, barrels of ale and, like, crates of food and stuff, so the orcs clearly have beer. She knows that she thinks you're a little drunk right now, and what are you saying to her? I'm really drunk right now. I want to go to sleep where, you know,

Can you point me in the right direction? Absolutely. Where's everyone else? Go ahead and roll one persuasion check on her. But you have disadvantage because you're not speaking orc very well. Roll one more time and take the lower number. 17. 17. Amazing. She goes, dude, you need to sleep it off. And she almost kind of starts switching to common a little bit, thinking that it'll like help.

in a way and she is she's speaking very slowly is what she's doing so it's easier to understand her orcish she's pointing at things so that you understand she brings you first of all she starts bringing you back you notice she had three potions in case you wanted to grab any of them but she's leading you out of this room and she is pointing to

like bedding and animal skins on the northern side of the cavern you were already in. And then she tells you something that you do understand. She points at that bedroom and says, listen, if you really, she's like looking at you, looking at these animal skins, like disappointed because she's not telling you any new information. And she says, that's great Ulf's bedroom. If you want a comfortable bed, you can take it up with him.

right now, okay? He gets the comfortable bed, okay? If you want a comfortable bed, you can go talk to the chief, is what she says.

And you can do with that information whatever you wish. So now I want to stumble back to the top of the bridge and wait for everyone else. Absolutely, 100%. Do you bring the shaman with you or do you tell her thanks and stumble back? I just tell her thanks. Thanks. And she starts to go back to making her potions. Now you know the shaman didn't have any backup in there. Shaman's alone in that ritual cavern. And we know where the chief's bed is. Absolutely. I'll also say you noticed this. We needed that.

Yeah. If you want to take the chief out, take him out when he's sleeping. Yeah, true. And the shaman was in her room. There was a big bonfire that went up through a hole in the roof, producing a lot of smoke. Almost like that tunnel went up to the top of the mountain or something like that. That's the smoke we saw earlier. And that is going to bring us to Normster next. Norm, what would you like to do? Okay. I think we've got to get the boys back together here. Yeah. And then should we go to where...

Hank just went? We need to find this key. The key's definitely at the chasm underneath that bridge. We had heard the key fell down into that chasm, and the one hope was that it's either still down there or that the orcs found it and brought it back up. But if they did, and we think they did, we did hear a rumor that they had found the key, but then if so, which orc has the key and why haven't they opened the vault? So Ulf would definitely have the key. Ulf would have the key, I think. The chief. The chief.

Chief. You also know that you haven't crossed. The chief probably has the key.

Yeah, it's the Chief Orc. All right, so let's go to the Chief Orc's bed and let's fuck him up. Yeah, absolutely. You could get to the bedroom of the Chief Orc or now I must emphasize, you heard him snoring and you know for sure with your 11, whatever he is, he's not a giant, but he's definitely not an orc. He's bigger than an orc, whoever this great old chief is. Got no problem. And you could definitely get across the bridge. Can I bring everyone with me? You can't bring everyone with you. Everyone's got to make one check to get across.

It's not a hard check, but it is a risky one. And so you can try to cross the bridge or look around for a different way to get across. But crossing the bridge is easy for you because you get advantage on athletics and you have like a plus seven. All you need is a 10 or higher and you get two rolls. Okay. All right. So I'm going to cross the bridge. That was a six. Yeah. Already a success. But if you get a crit, I'll let you carry people across. That's a nine. Nope.

That was a six again. So you had gotten the higher roll was a six plus seven with a 13. I'd say I'd let you just barely bring somebody across. I think it would have to be Wayne the Dwarf. Okay, Wayne's going to come with his role. All right.

Absolutely. So you two are both across the chasm, and then you see all the same rooms that Erlich had just seen. You know that there's two prison doors to the south, the room that goes to the shaman, two hallways, one goes west, one goes east, and then the bedroom of Great Ulf, apparently. Yeah, so Great Ulf, we're going seal team six on this motherfucker. Absolutely. You go up to his bedroom door? Yep. Still snoring in there. We're just going to wait for the...

The whole squad or we're just going in? Well, it's my turn, so I don't know if I can wait. It's a sleeping guy. You've got to go. What you could do is you could ready, but the problem is you can either ready to kick the door open and rush in or ready to attack and just hope he's right in front of the door. But based on the snoring, you know he's not. So does he only have one eye? We know the shaman only has one eye. Great elf, we have not seen him yet. So can I wait for my turn? Only the shamans have one eye.

Can I wait to roll my attack until everyone's with me? The problem is if you do that, then what you'll be readying is the move to get to Great Ulf, not the attack against Great Ulf. What spells do you have? Or you could ready and then hope that Great Ulf will come to the doorway. Yeah, let me do that. You can do that. Absolutely. That's a good idea. I'll just lightly knock on the door. Okay. A little scratch. Like, oh, what is that? Absolutely. I'm going to roll to see if Great Ulf wakes up.

But he has disadvantage because he's so sleepy. Nope, he does not wake up yet. You try to pound any... Yeah, a little bit more. Okay. I say, police, open up. Okay. He starts to wake up. And then you hear another noise inside of there. You hear the snoring. And then animals inside. It sounds like dogs started waking up as well. Okay. I'm going to roll them into initiative. Oh, boy. Okay. So we got them going on an 11. All right.

And they will go right after Greg's turn, that means. Norm, that was your turn. The chasm orcs continue making out with your sister. The one orc is continuing to do that. And then... Stepsister. Stepsister, 100%. We don't know that. We don't know that. Greg, that'll bring us to you next. Okay, so what do I need to do to cross the bridge? Since you said you have a moth as an option... Can I fly my moth across? You can fly your moth across.

I'll fly my moth across the bridge. You fly across. Can I bring the hippo or is he too big? I would allow you to bring one other person across. Typically, if you have a horse, it can carry more than, you know, just barely two people. So I'd say if just to drop him off, you can carry him across. We'll both go. Slowing down. But wait, can he bring hippo Maximus and hippo Max's eagle? Eagle's dead. Oh,

I think you should bring the dead body. It is a shame, but... Where is the dead body of the eagle? You don't even... It was in the hand of the dead orc who he took the head off of, so you can lovingly pick up the... I forgot about it. Of course. My bad, my bad. I think we should bring the dead body with us, too. Yeah, let's do that. We'll bring the eagle. Can we bring the dead eagle as well? You definitely can. I thought the orcs already have the eagles in their hand. Well, can I just give it to the moth as a treat? Your moth immediately tries to eat the dead eagle. Yeah, I'll give it to you. I'll give it to you. I'll give it to you. Actually, you know what? I'm happy that...

It brought life. The circle of life. It's the circle of life. Circle of life. You gotta kill this monster. Yeah, and I would like to fly across. Goddamn. I'd like to fly across and then head to the door as well. Absolutely. You head over to the door that the snoring has just stopped at. Would you like to ready an attack or would you like to just bust in? I'd like to cast Zone of Truth, please. Really? What? Absolutely. What? The area of Zone of Truth covers like a 10-foot area. No way.

Are you casting it such that it will spill into Greydelf's bedroom? I want our crew. Our whole-- okay, absolutely. So it's gonna cover outside of Greydelf's bedroom, but it's gonna extend into the bedroom, but also out of the bedroom to encompass anybody who's standing in front of the door. That's got Norm immediately-- Norm, you must immediately make a Charisma saving throw to see if you go Liar Liar mode or not. So what do I do? You roll 1d20, you have a plus zero on this. Four.

You immediately know this. Norm can no longer lie to you. Okay. Okay. How much do you make an episode? $75,000. But actually, that was three years ago. We make $150,000.

Absolutely. 100%. I'm going to say that was a bonus action zone of truth right there. Is there any? No, no. I'm going to say it's an action because you also got your moth across. 100%. But anybody else who walks into that zone will also have to make the same savings. So I'm in the zone right now. Yes. I fucked your gay husband. No. Do I have to roll for anything? Make a wisdom saving throw to see how you feel about that.

It's a one. It's a one. You're devastated by this right now. I'm not gay. In fact, I'm going to mark down that you're shaken for your next attack. That's my bad, dude. That's my bad. I'm shaken for the next attack. Hit lock. Hit lock. Absolutely. You immediately realize the truth can hurt sometimes. What a backfired lesson, right? If you drink the greater healing potion...

Say it shakes it off, but you're shaking. I'm shaking. Did we just leave PFT's stepsister out to dry with the orc? No, she's with us. She is currently making out with the orc on the other side of the chasm, keeping him busy. As long as she keeps making out with him, he's stunned. Definitely could be a sister. Are you in the zone of truth right now? No, not yet. Not yet. Not yet. Now, at this point, Graydolf is weak.

is waking up and he begins to stomp over to the door of the bedroom and you hear the yipping and yapping of these dogs as they're getting closer you realize oh they're bigger than you thought the door gets yanked open

And what you see looking at you are a pair of nipples. Oh, yeah. Because this guy is so big, he then has to stoop down to see you below the awning of the doorway. Oh, my God. It is not an orc. It is...

an ogre who is staring at us. He has on one arm a shield that would have been a dwarven tower shield that is strapped to his arm like a buckler. And then in his other hand, he is dragging a greatsword like the weapon that Norm uses. He's wielding it in a single hand. He looks down and he says, "Me great Ulf, who the hell are you?" And I'll say this, you all know,

Orcs are typically not led by ogres. Ogres are dumber than orcs, so orcs wouldn't really like being led by ogres. You also notice on either side of him, not dogs, a pair of wolves are flanking this ogre.

Norm, you have a ready to action right now. Also, he doesn't... He's in the zone of truth. You know he can't tell the truth. Everything he just said is true. He said, I'm great. Oh, who are you? You can attack him right now. Yeah, no, we got to attack him. He's in the zone of truth. I think it's... Yeah, you're ready. I'm not ready. We got to attack him. Absolutely, 100%. You can do an attack with advantage. Roll D20 two times. Five. Five. Can't see shit. Nine. Nine.

Nine plus seven is a 16. 16 is just barely enough. It is the number you need to get to hit him on the dot. And so you can roll 2d6 plus six damage. Oh, this is big. Three. Six. There it is. Three and six. Nine plus six while you're raging is 15 damage. That's enough to insta-kill any orc.

However, Great Ulf is not an orc, he's an ogre. And you notice that now you can tell

He's not even halfway dead yet. Oh, no. With 15 points of damage. You think this ogre has over 50 hit points. He is a beast. I'll also let both of you roll a knowledge check. This can be nature if you have nature. If not, you've got a minus one on this. You've got a plus zero. Just see what you know about orcs in theory. Okay.

An eight. Twelve. Twelve. You just know orcs are pretty dumb. You know they don't really get along with orcs very often. You're surprised that he's saying he's the chieftain here. But that's all you know for sure. And you can roll your second attack right now if you want. When you're ready in action, you can ready both. Eighteen. Great. Absolutely. And you have advantage. You can roll one more time just to see if you critical hit.

20! 20! Amazing! With reckless mode, you are absolutely getting a critical hit on him. Instead of 2d6, roll me 4d6. Oh, this is fucking awesome. Plus 6 damage. Where are you attacking him, by the way? On his body. His nipples, maybe? Probably his nipples. His head. His nipples are right there. His head and his dick. He might be too tall. His nipples. He might be too tall to hit the head. Nipples. Dick. Dick. You go for the dick. 6. 6. 3. 3. 9 so far. 1. Shit. Shit.

12 plus another 6 is 18 more damage on Greidolf. That brings him up to 33 damage on him. Yes. He is just barely halfway dead at this point, but now he gets to respond. You swung the first time and you slashed across his chest. He roars, what the hell? And then you drive your sword forward right through his loincloth. Oh, yes. And he goes...

No! I am going to say not only does he get advantage attacking you, he's going to get double advantage because you chopped his dick off and he's so mad at you that he's going to roll three times. 19 so far is going to be a hit. He didn't critical hit you, but he did get a 19. Oh, no. He does the same damage you deal on a critical hit.

And so that is gonna be 10 so far. - Okay, I'm fine. - And then another eight is 18. - Okay. - Plus six is going to be 24 damage against you. - Oh boy, but I got 59. - You got 59, you're fine. And in fact, because you're raging, you don't take 24 damage, you only take

- Oh, love it. - Points of damage, Norm. - Love it. - Well done. - I did just a scratch. - Excellent, a mere scratch. However, then the wolves are leaping into action because they, you have not attacked them, Greg. They're only going after Norm. The wolves have advantage, I'm sorry to say. So the wolf, first wolf hits, second wolf also hits, and the first wolf is dealing

Three plus two is five more damage, which gets reduced to two against you. You are up to 14 damage from the wolves norm. And then the second wolf is dealing five plus two is seven. That gets reduced to three. You're up to 17 damage from these attacks. And just roll me two strength saving throws. The wolves are trying to pull you down to the ground. That's a 14 damage.

That's a ten. Both of those are successes. Well done. You are fighting off all of these troops. And then, the very end of his turn, Greydelf yells as loud as he can for reinforcements. It is loud enough that the shaman is on her way. I'm going to roll to see. The shaman's going last. And then...

When we are at the bedroom of Great Ulf, you are noticing bedroom is a dead end. You don't see any vault doors. There's just a bed or three dorm beds that have been pushed together. And then you see there's a hallway to the west and a hallway to the east. Hallway to the east goes 30 feet and ends in an ordinary door. Hallway to the west goes 30 feet, ends in an ordinary door, but has...

a big dwarven statue in the wall right next to the door. That door is the door where you suddenly hear a bunch of orcs getting ready. I'm gonna roll to see when they go. They're gonna be going in right before Greg's next turn, after Norm's next turn. So these are gonna be-- - Remember they said east? - Yeah, but we have no key. - But it could be west. - If we dead end it, they're protecting the door.

And that was Great Elf's turn. Hippo Maximus, we are up to you now. What if he swallowed the key? Who swallowed the key? The fucking guy we're trying to kill. That's why they never opened it. Are there any drawers or chests in the bedroom? You see there is a chest in the back of the bedroom, yes. Should I go for the ogre or the chest? Max hates chests. Do you have the nature skill, by the way, Max? I love chests.

Yes, I do. I have plus three on nature. As soon as you have arrived in this room, roll a nature check to see what you know about ogres. What do I roll? That would be a d20. 20. And you'll add whatever your nature skill bonus is.

It's a two. You don't know anything useful about ogres here, unfortunately. Okay, okay. Or any clues. So I'm going to go for the chest. I think that the chest would be where you would keep something like that. Absolutely. Now, here's the problem. The chest is inside the room. We can just barely see the chest around this big old fucking ogre and two wolves.

To get around this ogre, you could do it, but you couldn't do it in human form. You would have to turn into a really tiny animal. The problem is the smaller the animal is, as we saw in the case of the eagle, the less hit points it has. So if you turn into an animal small enough to squeeze past them, you're definitely going to have less than five hit points. You've got to be a flea. What's like a small but mighty animal? Cockroach.

A dung beetle. There are typically not too many animals in D&D that are both really tiny and have a ton of hit points. Be a bee. Cicada. Okay, I'll be a cicada. I'll give it two hit points. Okay. Wait. It's really like if you get hit in the score. But I'm trying to get to the chest, right? You are. That's the important thing. So really what you're trying to do is be sneaky. I will say in cicada form, you're going to have a plus five on stealth for sure. Wow, that's huge. Okay. So cicada's blind? A d-

Yeah, they also make a lot of noise. Oh, boy. That's a bad choice of animals. Also, cicadas just die naturally. Yeah, they just come up to earth to die. You guys told me to pick cicada. We told you 10 different animals and you chose cicada. Bee. No, you're a cicada already. Bee. No, bee.

Bumblebee? Is that what you're going with? No, I'm going to be... These are simps. I'm going to be like a wasp. It's not a bee. It's not a bee. All right, we'll be a wasp. I mean, it's a form of bee. White Anglo-Saxon Protestant. He tells the orc that his dad will sue him.

I will be a wasp. Suddenly, your finances stat goes way up. You are absolutely able to turn into a wasp 100%. I'd even say a wasp can sting people for one point of damage. Love that. So you turn into a wasp? Yes, wasp. You are buzzing a decent amount of wasp form, so I will give you a plus four on stealth. Okay, that's fine. You can roll d20 plus four to see if you can buzz past this. Come on, Max.

14. 14. That was before the plus four, I assume. Yes. It's an 18. You definitely get past the ogre. He doesn't notice much. Love it. Wolves, more importantly, were looking around. They sniff the air. Actually, you said it was an 18, right? That's literally the number you needed to get to hide from the wolves. So just barely, one of the wolves looks over, tries to snap the air, but loses track of you. You fly over the wolf's head. You fly over to the... There's a nasty bed. There's a big chest.

You can absolutely fly over to the chest. However, you're suddenly realizing in wasp form, the chest isn't locked.

But you cannot lift the lid of a chest in the last form now I will let you change out of wasp form and then lift up the chest and then that's all you get to do on your turn is like grab something out of the chest is it a wooden chest it is a wooden chest there a gap in the middle of like the chest you could slide in No I would love to slide into the middle of that chest

What do you mean? You hate sliding in between chests. I love sliding in the chest. I'm a bee. I'm a bee. I'm small enough to slide in the chest. You're not a bee. You're a wasp. You're a wasp. I'm a wasp. It's the same thing. I would like to go into that chest. Absolutely. Roll me a d20 plus four to slip in through the cracks of the chest. It's only a ten or higher you need. Let's get in this chest, baby.

eight eight plus four you're squeezing you're squeezing does it feel good in the chest yeah pops you can fucking pop baby see just barely enough in the darkest of the chest make me a perception check 1d20 plus whatever your perception skill is that wouldn't change um do you have the perception skill by any chance i don't think i don't then you have a plus three do your wisdom go ahead and roll d20 plus three

Jesus Christ. Come on, Maximus. You did this earlier. Like one time. That was one time. You really can't see at all. No, I can't see shit.

18! 18 is obviously enough that you can see everything that's inside this chest. First thing you notice is the glow of some magic runes. There is a small magic sword in here. It's definitely not Durgedon's cool magic axe. It is a sword, first of all. It's, you think, dwarven made, but it's only a short sword. It's magical. You can tell that for sure. There's also a lot of gold in this chest.

There's some armor. You search it completely. No key in this chest.

Is there anything helpful that I could take out of this chest? The magic sword is probably the best thing in this chest right now, would be your guess. Gold is obviously always useful, but not so much in a dungeon. And there's some armor, but you're already wearing the best armor you could use. That magic sword, you could stab. So I'll take the sword? Absolutely. You can land on the sword. Oh, right, because I'm still a wasp. Yeah, you can't pick it up. I can't pick up that sword. Now, if you were to change back into human form, you know the...

wooden chest is not so strong that it could contain you and crush you. You would burst out of this chest with the sword in your hand. That would be pretty cool. As a wasp, could he find that chimney where the smoke is coming out of and fly down through the chimney? Yes, 100%. You could. Definitely. Because I feel like that chimney might lead to the safe, to the vault. Could I do that instead of trying to get the sword? Yeah.

I would let you fly back out of the chest if you wanted to, 100%. I would not make you roll for it. And I would let you fly out of here and try to fly up to that. Yeah. Okay, then yes. I think that's probably... It's a lot of movement I'm giving you, but I'm going to allow it. You fly back... Well, you'll have to fly past Great Elf again. I'm going to need another stealth check. So if you want to risk this, you can fly back out of the room. Roll one more d20 plus four. You need an 18 or higher, you know. Okay.

That would be a three. Three plus four is not enough. You try to fly out of this mountain so you can go up to where the smoke and cloud was, but instead, Great Ulf sees you. He goes to swat you, first of all. Oh, no.

But at least he's beefy, right? How many hit points does he have? As a wasp? I'm a wasp. Three hit points. This is pretty courageous of me to do this for you guys. I will also give you an armor class of like 14, but it's no good. Immediately, Great Ulf swats you, and what happens is he swats you against the wall, splat, and then all of a sudden, it rumbles, and then suddenly like a, what do they call it when you throw the little things, the foam things into the water and they grow? The sponge things? The sponge things, yes, yes.

Chia pets. Yeah, like a chia pet, basically. Like a chia pet. Bath bombs. Suddenly, bath bombs. You start growing out of the wall. When you kill a druid in their animal form, they just change back into their druid form. Now, he did slap you for five points of damage. So your wasp only absorbed three of the damage. You take another two points of damage. But you push his hand off the wall. You land right next to Greidolf. And he goes...

Looks at his hand, looks at you, looks at his hand. What the fuck? My hand can turn bees into people. And he's very excited right now. But he's also worried about who you are. And he still wants to fight Norm right now. So I'm going to mark you down with two points of damage, Hippo Maximus.

And that is going to bring us from your turn to Wayne's turn now. Okay, quick stop in Dungeons & Dragons for the rowback question. R-H-O-B-A-C-K.com, promo code TAKE. 20% off your first purchase. Q-Zips, polos, hoodies, joggers, shorts. Rowback question, Max. This is your first time doing Dungeons & Dragons as a competitor. How do you think it's going for you? It's going all right for me. I thought I would be dead by now, but I'm still hanging on. What was the thing your little eagle...

Your eagle died? Yeah, you killed my eagle. I didn't mean to do that. Yeah, you did. No, I didn't. Yes, you did. Things happen in the moment when you're in Dungeons & Dragons. Now I'm remembering I did mean to do that. Well, that was the Roback question. R-H-O-B-A-C-K.com. Use promo code TAKE. Go buy Q-Zips, polos, hoodies, joggers, shorts, and swimsuits. Roback.com. Promo code TAKE. Okay, back to Dungeons & Dragons.

Okay, so I still have to cross this bridge, right? You do. You still need to. Well, no, you got carried across by your own. Norm carried you across. You can run right up to it. I am in the zone of truth, then. You land in the zone of truth, absolutely. So we know that we can't find the key inside this place, right? Yes. Like, the elf doesn't have it on his body. Doesn't seem to have it. It's not in his chest. Yeah. And we think it fell into the chasm, but then we also learned it got found again by an orc. Yeah.

Yeah, so I got to go through one of these doors, one of the two doors. Definitely. Also, when you see Greidolf, make me a knowledge check to see what you know about ogres. Okay. D20? This would be just D20 plus three. Yeah.

Seven. You don't know any useful information about ogres, unfortunately. So yeah, you can definitely go after the ogre or pick one of these other doors. Okay. So I'm going to pick the door that has the statue on it. The door with the statue. Now that's the door that when you're looking at Greadov goes west and it has a bunch of orcs beyond that door who are about to go. Are you okay with going to that door? Yeah. Absolutely. As you approach, you...

Yeah, as you're getting closer, what are you doing? Going up to the door and opening it? Yeah. Absolutely. As soon as you start, you're noticing that this is a bigger than life-size dwarven statue. It has an axe and a helmet whose visor is down right now, almost like he's standing at attention. You go over to open up the door, is that right? Mm-hmm. And you know that there's going to be, sounds like a bunch of orcs on the other side. You're okay with that? Yeah, I'm fine with that. Absolutely. Okay.

As soon as you are approaching the door, suddenly you realize beneath your feet, the floor is sinking.

And then you realize, no, only one of your feet, the floor is sinking. And you look down, Indiana Jones style. One of the stones has sunk into the ground like a pressure plate. I'm going to need you to make a dexterity saving throw to jump out of the way before you set off the trap. That is not 10 plus three is a 13. You needed a 15 or higher. Just barely, you jump back, but you hear a click as the pressure plate clicks into place. The visor of the dwarf's helmet starts to slide up.

Did you already open the door at this point? Yes. Yes. So you push the door open. You see not one, not two, not three, but four orcs in that room, one of whom is standing taller than all the other orcs and giving orders. That orc is wearing plate mail, and he has gray skin. Roll me an arcana check to see if you know what this is.

Seven. Seven, you do not know. You know that you've heard of a kind of orc called... Because you have a plus four on this, so that's an 11. You've heard of a kind of orc called an Uruk-Hai. If anyone knows from Lord of the Rings the Uruk-Hai, Uruk-Hai is a copyrighted term. Uruk-Hai is not. And so this is an Uruk-Hai. But it looks like a greyskin super orc, you think, that is better and stronger than an ordinary orc. That's all you really know. He's giving the orders here, and then he sees...

the visor of the dwarven statue's helmet rising up, and he starts to go, oh shit, and shake his head like this. There's no face on the other side of the dwarf's visor. It's just an empty space in the wall and a metal pipe that goes right up to where the visor was, and suddenly you just barely hear, and a ripple in front of the pipe.

You can make another knowledge check to see if you know what's going on outside. It's 13. We're in Nick's apartment This hallway and That room you still got your action your bonus action, okay, am I trapped right now right now? I'm actually gonna need you to immediately make a constitution saving throw luckily because you're a door if you have advantage roll one more time on that and

That was halfway. It was a cocked eye. I actually agree 100%. It was a 28 or an 8. Not better. Okay. So with a 10, you needed a 15 or higher and you have maybe a plus 2 on this. Not quite enough. You are going to be taking a total of...

of 13 poison damage right now, Wayne. And you're taking the full amount. And I'm stuck? You're not stuck! You can run in any direction you want, and you can do whatever action or bonus action you want. Your bonus action could be inspiring somebody, or even healing yourself. Okay, um, can I inspire Hank?

you definitely could inspire Hank. What do you say to, or play to inspire Hank? Um, let's see. What do you mean? What do I play? Like when you inspire somebody, you're either playing music or you're like a coach telling them like, I believe in you, you can do it. What would you like to do or say to inspire? I'd like to inspire him to be able to jump higher by playing. I believe I can fly. Absolutely. Classic inspirational music. You are playing. I believe I can fly. It's definitely going to help you with any checks, but I'll say if you jump with it, you'll get even more of a

bonus. Yeah, I'd like to increase his jumping ability and I'd also, can I inspire him to come take on all the orcs at the same time? I mean, yeah, you can't influence Ehrlich unless you cast a charm person spell upon him, in which case you can. Yeah, I'd like to do that. Absolutely. I'd like to send him in there first. Would you do charm person, which makes him think you're best friends and makes it easier for you to persuade him, or do you want to do suggestion? That

Jedi mind. We're not best friends. Uh, yeah, I'd like to make him believe I'm his best friend, but I'm actually hoping that he goes in there and he gets killed instead of me. Absolutely. Uh,

You don't need to roll anything. As you cast Charm Person on Erlik, I'm going to need you to roll a Wisdom saving throw. The higher you roll, the more you resist this. 17. It does not affect him. Now, you still can make a persuasion check to try to influence him, but because he's not charmed, Hank could literally say there's no number you could roll that will influence me. Unless it's like a 20. If you roll exactly the number 4...

That's a low number, but okay. Not four or higher, just the number four. Just the number four. It's a five. So close. Got it. Absolutely. And yeah, unfortunately, he doesn't seem like you try to persuade him to do that. But he can still jump high. No, he's not charmed. He can still jump high, yes. Absolutely.

Now, are you staying in this hallway or are you trying to leave this hallway? You could go back to Great Ulf or go into this. By the way, the room with these four orcs is just a barracks with another door leading further west. I kind of like how this poison is making me feel.

You get a pretty good head rush off it. If you stay here, then if they try to fight you, they're going to have to stay in the poison gas, these orcs. Yeah, I'll do that. So I'm going to roll their saving throws right now. They're kind of rushing up to you, like trying to barrel past you or attack you. But either way, they have to get closer to the poison. So the first orc. I've got really good tolerance. Yeah.

The first orc got a natural one. Dies immediately. The aurog, the super orc with gray skin, goes, no! And he got really upset, you know, just enough orcish that he said, son, as he saw that guy die. And then the next orc,

is just barely going to take the full damage and the last orc is also going to take the full damage. So I smoke these guys out. The full damage for them is only seven points of damage. So they are halfway dead with seven points of damage. And then the orog is going to roll his saving throw. He passed his saving throw and is only going to take, uh, just one of these, uh,

Eight points of damage. Okay, that was even worse for him. Eight points of damage on the Orog, but he's not halfway dead. The orcs at seven are halfway dead. And that will bring us then to Erlik's turn. Erlik, you have inspiration. What would you like to do? Hank, we got to find this. I think the fucking main shaman guy. What's his name? It's a woman.

No, no, no. There's the shaman. There's great old shaman. There's also the aura. I think the chief has the key. We got to tell him, hey, dude, there's five of us.

There's one of you. Give us the fucking key and let's go to the chest right now. All right, so I'll cast a level one charm spell. Absolutely. Who are you trying to charm? The Orog, the Shaman, or Great Ulf? Great Ulf's got the key. The Great Ulf. Great Ulf, absolutely. Do a charm person spell. Oh, sorry. You don't have to roll anything for charm person. I need to roll to see if he can resist the spell. What are you saying to charm him? Anything in particular? Nice.

Nice place you got here. Okay. Be like, you won't give me the key. It always works. Be a real shame if you give me the key. Be a real shame. You gave us the key and told us where to go. This place is really cool. I bet you could hide some really cool stuff here.

And then he wants to be like, yeah, yeah, look, this is where I hide the key. Absolutely. He rolled really well to resist your charm person. Do you want to burn up your inspiration to try? Actually, you can do this right now. You could use cutting words upon a great Ulf right now if you wanted to, and that could reduce his saving throw to make him charmed by

Yes, I would like to do that. I'd like to insult him. You have to insult him, though. What do you say to him? Be like, hey, nice dick. Oh, yeah, absolutely. His dick is flopping around on the floor. Automatic success with that cutting words, 100%. He immediately becomes charmed by Ehrlich, and he begins to get tears in his eyes because of his fallen dick. And he is going to say to you, I don't have nothing to hide. Do you ask him anything more specific? No.

Where's the key? Not even a key? He shakes his head. However. Hank always does this. Hank always is like, are you sure with his second question? Absolutely. And I was like. He literally just fucking asked me.

So you asked about the key. He says he does not know about any key. Wait, is he still in the circle of truth? He is in the zone of truth. You know that. However, both you and Wayne can make insight checks real quick. Roll me a d20 plus insight to see if you are noticing something. 16. I'm 15. And you with your insight bonus are both going to notice this. The Orog, who is moving into melee with Wayne...

The moment you mentioned a key, his eyes went wide. Also, Erlik, I never gave you a chance to do this. Roll me a knowledge check to see what you know about ogres. 13. Finally, the person dressed as an ogre knows about ogres. You know the only reason an ogre would be the leader of an orc tribe is because orcs have a rule. If you defeat their chief in combat...

you become the new chief. However, they would not want an ogre as a chief. You're noticing now the orog has a lot of scars, and he looks like he's kind of old at this point. Oh, former chief. And you know that he has just told you after this unfortunate kind of waste of a charm person spell that he doesn't know about any ki, but now you're thinking the orog does. You still get your bonus action. But if we kill the chief, does that person become the chief?

Apparently, yes. But we need to get the... Orog has the key. So I'll Fireball him. Orog? I'll allow this. I'll say the Charm Person was a bonus action. You could do a Fireball. The Fireball will hood a big area. So if you Fireball Great Ulf...

You'll definitely hit somebody. That's all right. Or you can fireball the Orog and avoid hitting Wayne because you can get all two of the remaining orcs and the Orog, all three of them, in a fireball without hitting Wayne. Are you drawing first blood, Hank? We need the Orog. The Orog has the key.

If we kill the aurog, we get the key. Right. But we could get the key from the aurog if we kill the ogre and become chief and demand it. No, the ogre just told you he didn't have it. The super orc, the aurog. I'll fireball the aurog. His eyes went wide. And so you fireball the aurog and his two orc minions. Is that right? Absolutely. It's going to be a total of 8d6 in all. So you can roll all of those a total of 8 times. I'm going to roll for... 3, 4? Yes. 3, 4. So 7.

Two, one. Ten so far. Threes? Sorry, three total? Three, three. Three and three, so 16. And then two more. Five, one. Five and a one, so another six. That's going to bring us up to 22 points of damage. The first orc incinerated completely. The second orc just barely incinerated. Double barely incinerated. Well done. It's just the orog now, and the orog...

a natural one on his saving throw. He had more than 22 health, but you didn't do 22 damage to him. You dealt 44 damage to him. Oh my god, Ehrlich!

Explodes! Yes! And a beautiful platinum key goes flying through the air. Erlik, I will let you try to jump up and catch that key at the end of your turn. Oh, and you'll have inspiration on this if you need. Roll me 1d20 first.

- Seven. - Seven? - Oh, I'm so hot. - So you're about to lose the key and it might fall anywhere unless you use the bardic inspiration that Wayne gave you. If you do, I will let you roll not a D8, but instead a D10 to add on to your roll. But you need

A 15 or higher. No, just a 10 or higher. Just a 10 or higher to catch the key. As long as you don't get a 1 or a 2. You gotta just get 10. 7. 7, plenty. Absolutely, 100%. You catch the key. You've got the key now. The Orog is dead. The Shaman's kind of on her way, but hasn't even arrived. Great Ulf is badly injured. You don't know where the vault is.

But there is a pair of prison doors you haven't checked and one hallway to the east that we have not explored. East. He always said east. And that is going to bring us from the end of your turn, Erlich, to Norm's turn now. Norm, what would you like to do? That's right. But Hank went west for some reason. No, I said maybe it's west. All right, so we got the key. I want all my boys. Let's go east through this door. Let's get the fucking prize. Now, currently, Erlich has the key. Would you, like, ask him for the key or...

Can I ask for all my boys to come with me to the East? Certainly. All right. I accept. Would you like to come with me to the East? Yeah, let's roll.

Hank. I'm willing to do whatever I can. All right, mount up. I'm willing to do whatever I can. Absolutely. Let's go. We're doing it this time. We're doing it this time. You currently have the ogre right in melee with you. He sees you going towards the eastern door. It looks like he is going to try to attack you. You can either try to kill him right now and then run for the eastern door, or you could say something to get him to stop fighting. Yeah, dude. Hey, listen, man.

Can I heal his dick? Can I put his dick back on his body? Yes, I would allow that, 100%. You can just lay on hands to heal his dick. You have to ask him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Heal his dick and then we'll be like, bro, no harm, no foul, just let us go. Well, let's ask him first if he'll stop if we give his dick back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You want to chill out? We'll heal your dick. You can use intimidation on this. Good call. You say, if you don't stop right now, we're not going to heal your dick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you have not advantage on this whatsoever.

Double advantage. Roll three times in all because he desperately wants his dick back. Okay, that was a one. That was bad. That was a six. That was also bad. You can't heal my dick. That was a seven. A little bit better. Well, you rolled three times. The highest was a seven. Is that right? Yeah. I will roll. And you got a seven plus one, I think, for your charisma, let's say. Oh, no. Yeah, one for intimidation. That's right. So you got an eight. If he rolls a seven or less, he will be tricked.

Into, and he got a six. Well done. He stopped fighting. Do you heal his dick? I pick up that big dick and reattach it. You reattach it 100%. And he goes, my hug. Yes. And he immediately reaches down and just starts shaking it. Yes. Your stepsister arrives. And great elf, because he just rolled a total of a one on an intelligence check. He starts shaking it to make sure it works.

And then he looks around and just keeps shaking it. It's working, it's working. And then he keeps shaking it. And then his eyes start to glaze over a little bit. And you start backing away,

away maybe a little bit. Oh, shit. Great office started jerking in. He's jerking it hard right now. Leave him alone. Absolutely. He's leaving the bedroom door open, but you're pretty sure you could just shut the bedroom door open right now. And you hear him still in the zone of truth saying, God, this feels good. I would like you to roll for your sister just to make sure she doesn't go in there with... Stepsister. Stepsister to make sure she doesn't go in there with you.

Could maybe be your sister. A five or less, I was going to say, means she wants to go in there with great Ulf. Do you let her go in there with great Ulf? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. She disappears into the bedroom. Do you think that's kind of hot? She's getting around. Yeah. If you voluntarily fail the saving throw, then hell yeah. Yeah, zone of truth? Yeah, I think it's kind of hot. Wait, zone of truth, Tim. Is it his sister or stepsister?

Um, she calls out, he says, what about your brother? And he goes, don't worry. He is my stepbrother. We're going to the, we're going to the East and we're going to go open the Eastern door revealing nothing in the room except

A 30 foot tall, 30 foot wide vault door laced with gold and platinum. Now as we open the door, do we want the finale ending or the cliffhanger ending to set us up for next episode? Oh shit. I'll leave it up to us. Let's finish what we started. Because I always leave it up to the AWLs as well. We haven't done a cliffhanger. We haven't tried to do a repeat in a while. Yeah, we haven't done a cliffhanger in forever. This can be a three part adventure. Oh my god. Oh.

That's what I told the AWS to see if they want to do a sequel to this one or not. Most of them are just doing one. This is also the first time we've ever made it through an entire episode not killing each other. Except for the bird. You killed it. I didn't kill it. He went out a soldier. You killed it through your expectations. He went out a soldier. I think we've got to leave Cliffhanger. No, she's just watching him jack off. That's silly.

That's so much better. I've heard that excuse a million times. You all together open up the vault door. There's a hiss of air. It's like steam comes out. And you see a pedestal with a glowing pillar of light. And in that pillar of light, like a museum case, you see hovering in the center...

Absolutely fucking nothing. The gold on the ground is visibly missing except for a few scattered coins. There are empty weapon racks on the wall and in the back of the vault...

There is a hole that someone dug into the back of the vault, revealing a secret staircase. A miner. Going deeper down into the mountain. And you hear back in Great Elf's bedroom, ah! And that is where we will end our adventure today. Well done, everybody. Excellent job. We will need to go deeper into the foundry.

Does Ulf look like Louis C.K. by any chance? A little bit. Yes, 100%. Yeah, absolutely. Tim, that was fantastic. That was a blast. Thank you. Great job, everybody. You didn't kill each other. That's unbelievable. That's really pretty amazing. We fucking did.

did it. I'm very impressed. That must be made. Also, shout out to Stephanie and Katie Graber. So Katie's been like a day one AWL part of my take. And she bonded with her sister who's a big D&D fan watching these episodes, Tim. So bringing families together. And Stephanie, she has a company called Boss Goblin. Or excuse me. No, she is the Boss Goblin at Tabletop Loot. And they were the ones I believe revised

The dice and the dice trades, absolutely, 100%. Shout out to them. They are great, 100%. Absolutely, yes. Okay. Well, Tim, thank you so much. Will you be back? I will be. Definitely. You know what I was looking for. Oh, absolutely. 100%. Yes. Yes, you will. All right. Great job, boys. My pleasure.

Okay, that's Dungeons & Dragons, our best one yet. To be continued. Yeah. I like that. I did like that the one guy tweeted me last week and said, I wanted you guys to play the whole thing out and not kill Hank, and then the week that he's been on, I want you to kill him right away.

I wish we had known that because we taped it about a month ago and we actually didn't kill him this time. Yeah, but it was good team building and we're definitely going to kill him in the follow-up episode. Yes, 100%. Okay, numbers. 30. 20. 56. 8. 3. 99, Pogue. 48. I thought that was 26. Love you guys. All for the gram. Bitches love the gram. Oh, wait, shit. 8. 2. 2.

I don't know what I'm saying. Today is another day to find you. Shining away. I'll be coming for your love. Come on me. Take it from me. I'm sitting. It's about me.

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

Take on me. Take on me. Take on me.

Take me on