I didn’t think I’d live past 16
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Welcome back to another week's episode of Pretty Lonesome. ♪

We're back in my bed this week because I want to be. I've had a weird week and the only way I can sum it up for you guys is I've been listening to so much fucking Claro. I'm almost judging myself for it because I had to ban myself from listening to sad songs because I realized I was ruining my life. Like I realized that maybe like the music I listen to has an effect on how I see the world and when I'm listening to nothing but fucking Boy Genius and Claro all the time.

all day long every day from like nine till nine at night like maybe that's why y'all had girl queen girl boss maybe that's why so I had to stop I had to knock it off and I've honestly been feeling so much better since I stopped and I've been listening to like really upbeat music and I've been doing that for like six months like I had to literally stop myself especially when I lived in the UK like when it starts to get dark early in the winter like you don't you don't stand a fucking chance if you're listening to Phoebe Bridgers and it's dark at 4pm like what do you

think is gonna happen so i had to implement some changes but then i rediscovered clero like last week and i've been listening non-stop to what's the fucking song called sexy to someone

It's not even a sad song. If I was sad, I could probably cry to it. But it's actually really upbeat and it makes me dance because I'm happy right now. It's all relative, I guess. Anyway, top headlines right now is that last week... Oh, sorry, no, last night. I don't know when this is going to air. It might not be that relevant. It won't have been last night by the time this airs. So let me not say that. Okay, top headlines right now. I went to go see Sabrina Carpenter in concert last night.

It probably won't have been the real like this isn't gonna be uploaded in real time, but that's irrelevant Anyway, no one cares. I went to go see Sabrina Carpenter I might be her biggest fan and I say that and I mean it like I Discovered Sabrina Carpenter in it was either late 2013 or early 2014 couldn't tell you which I was 13 and

And I don't know what it, the first time I saw her, it was on Girl Meets World. It was like the fucking pilot episode. The first time I saw her, I was like, who is this?

And I fell in love with her and I became obsessed with Girl Meets World. Mostly because at the time I was a kid who had had to drop out of school because my mental health was terrible. And Girl Meets World, if you haven't seen it, was like a Disney Channel show at the time. And it like circled around like two girls going to school. So obviously I was fucking obsessed because I was jealous. And I wanted to go to school and they went to school. So I lived vicariously through them. I'm not going to bore you with the details. Guys, I would never... Listen...

I don't ever feel resentment towards someone else's success. So it's going to sound weird when I say she's the first person I have felt genuinely happy for, because that doesn't imply the opposite. Like it doesn't imply that I'm not happy when I see anyone else succeed. I just usually I'm like happy for them, but like neutral, if anything. Watching Sabrina Carpenter perform yesterday felt like I felt like I was a proud mother in the audience. Like that's how

thrilled I was for her success. And again, not to say like I'm not happy for other people's success, it's just that usually like it doesn't feel like I've also succeeded when someone else succeeds. When I see Serena Carpenter succeed, I feel like, babe,

Finally, we got here. I played a hand in this surely kidding But like it feels somewhat like it is satisfying to me as well almost as if I am her I have I never got to see her growing up Like I've listened to every song this girl has ever released in real time. I remember when she released Uh, was it eyes wide open? Yeah, when she released eyes wide open i'm gonna tell you something so so personal about me, but

When Sabrina Carpenter released Eyes Wide Open, this album came out in 2015, so I'd already been a fan for at least a year. I was so fucking excited for this release. And listen, I'm not a fan of music. That sounds weird, but what I mean is...

I've never been like a fangirl. Like there's no one else whose album I've ever awaited in real time. There's no one else who I've ever cared to really follow or know anything about. Usually if I enjoy someone's music, I just enjoy it on my Spotify playlist and that's it. Like I don't actually know the person behind the music. I don't go as far as to look for them on any other platform. Like I don't care. Like I'm not a fan of the person. I just, I like some songs and I like some artists more than others.

but I don't really get invested in the person behind the music really ever. It's never been a trait of mine, like it's not something I've done, but I was, I am a Sabrina Carpenter fan, fan. Like from fucking day one that I saw her, I've been a fan. And so I remember 2015, I'm sitting on my windowsill at night because she was dropping in LA time and I was in the UK. So it was the middle of the night for me. And I remember sitting on my windowsill waiting for the album to drop so that I could listen.

and my family was asleep and at this point in my life I was so fucking unwell I was so mentally ill and I had painted my room black and I had convinced my mum to let me do it she was really not happy about it but I had convinced her to let me paint all four of my walls pitch fucking black I was like it's the only way mother you don't understand and so she just was like fuck you fine like if it'll make you shut the fuck up fine so I painted them black and

And I drew a moon landscape, like a moon and a city across them. And one of the walls was blackboard, like the chalk stuff that you could draw on with blackboard chalk. I need you guys to picture it for me. I'm 14. The year is 2015. My room...

black. I have a choker necklace on. I am... For some reason I've decided the bed frames aren't cool so my mattress is on the floor. I used a sarong, like the like beach cover-up, as a carpet for my bedroom because I thought it was cool and I loved it and it was blue. I own nothing. My room is empty. Like...

There's just mess of like underwear and and like probably some like Kit Kat bars because they were all I would fucking eat. And the dark chocolate one specifically because the other ones made me have a panic attack. No idea why. And I was sitting on my windowsill. It's like two in the morning probably. And I am waiting for the release of Sabrina Carpenter's Eyes Wide Open album. She drops it. I listened to the whole thing the whole way through.

And I decide that that night is the night where I am no longer on a mission to kill myself. I spent most of my life feeling that I would not live past a certain age, and I think a lot of people can like relate to that feeling. I just like had this number in my head where I was like, I just could not perceive a world in which I make it past 15 or 16. Like I just, it wasn't a thing to me. I was like, no, unfortunately, unfortunately I expire at 15. Yeah.

So I always felt this sense of not being at home on earth. I always felt like I had somewhere to go. Like I had been born on earth and I understood that and I had a family and I loved my family but this was not my home and I just couldn't get into the swing of life. Like I just, life didn't feel natural to me and I remember, you know when people look really cozy in their house like they're

Their house is so them and they're in slippers and socks and it's like you woke up here this morning and you're gonna go to sleep here tonight and you're in a routine. I don't know if anyone knows what the fuck I'm talking about right now but it's like you are settled in to your house. Think of that. Think of someone who's cozy in their home and you're like oh I'm jealous like they look cozy. That's how everyone on earth looked to me all the time. Like they were settled in here. Like they knew they were staying. They knew they were going to bed on earth tonight and they were gonna wake up on earth tomorrow. I never felt that.

Throughout my whole life, I felt like I was sleeping on someone's couch, but that was how I just felt about being on earth, was I was uncomfortably sleeping on someone's couch. Does that make sense? I don't know. But like that was the feeling I always had. And this specific night, I sat on my bed and I looked at the sky for ages 'cause I was really dramatic and very much a teenager.

And I just remember that was probably honestly the first thing I had done that was like a meditation because I finally sat down and was still for a second. And only 'cause I was waiting for the bitch to drop her album. But inadvertently she made me like relax.

for the first time in my fucking life. And I remember sitting there looking at the stars and then I listened to her album and it obviously gave me some fucking serotonin for once. And I don't know what it was about that night. And it wasn't anything that she said in the songs. Like it wasn't anything that she had said or made me think. It was just like that night of my life specifically was the night where I finally felt something changed in my brain and I felt that I was going to remain on earth.

And I don't know how else to describe that feeling. It didn't mean I wasn't depressed or anxious or have the same exact issues that I'd had the day before. It was just, I randomly got this sense of I'm at home here. And I don't even know if it was related to her album. I just remember that they happen at the same time.

And I don't care if it was related to her album or not. I'm just, this was the same night of my life. And I remember being like, well, this is my home and I belong here and I'm going to be here. And I think I'm going to live a long life. And I can suddenly feel that there's life ahead of me. And like, I just suddenly felt like I wasn't on a couch anymore. And someone had finally given me a bedroom in a house and a key to the door. Like I don't, something changed in me that night. And I just knew I was no longer on this mission of like dead by 16. And ever since then, I haven't been.

I haven't been like a ticking time bomb of like, when is this bitch gonna die?

I've settled into my physical body. I've settled into earth. I don't know why but like something just changed for me I always get a bit like spooked when I remember that that's how I used to feel how I used to feel like earth wasn't my home and I My body wasn't my home and my family wasn't my fat like I just wasn't meant to be here I don't know. I don't know a better way to describe it I was just like and it wasn't like a big feeling it was just like I read this poem once and it was he described

the feeling of wanting to die as like a glowing exit sign at a show that isn't quite bad enough that it makes you want to leave. But you can see the exit sign above the door and you know it's there and it's glowing and it's like the brightest thing in the room but you're watching this show and you're like I'm not gonna get up and leave it's not that terrible but I see that sign. That's how I felt my whole life.

And this one specific night where the fucking Sabrina Carpenter dropped an amazing album, an amazing fucking album, that went away for me. So I always linked the two in my head and they're not probably that related, but I always linked the two in my head. Really and truly the thing that probably made me feel like that was just the fact that I finally like looked up at the sky and was like, oh, I like it here. You know what I mean? ♪

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And I was a very deep thinker as a teenager if you can't fucking tell. I've always been in hell. But this album was my favorite one that she's ever released if I'm gonna be completely honest with you. Will Be The Stars is gonna be the best song, probably my favorite song ever. The song White Flag, if you haven't listened to it please go and listen to it. If you're a new Sabrina Carpenter fan bitch go listen to fucking White Flag. It's so good.

really wanted to go back to school because at this point in my life I had dropped out because my mental health was really bad and I finally worked up the courage to enroll in a school and I had to catch a bus to the school

And I distinctly remember sitting on the bus to school as this teenager with loads of panic attacks and no coping skills and a lot of depression and no friends. Also, I would always sit on this bus alone. I didn't mind that though. And I would put my earphones in and I would listen to White Flag by Sabrina Compton on repeat. And every time I take the same drive, like,

the same roads to get into like that area where my school was. Whenever I'm home and I go on that drive, I always remember this song because I literally can still see like the view from the bus. Like I remember the whole thing as if it was literally yesterday. And I just remember thinking like everything's gonna be okay. I don't know. Like I have the worst fucking panic attacks. I have a horrible anxiety disorder. I don't know how this is ever gonna be resolved. I don't think my brain's ever gonna not be like this. And I'm terrified at the prospect of

of living like this forever but I'm on a bus to school right now which is the scariest thing in the world for me and I'm gonna somehow figure it out like I kind of just like developed a trust in myself but like even when things are hard I'm still going to do the hard things because

I want to be alive. And the driving force for me with anxiety and depression was always how much I missed life and how much I missed the feeling of being a kid without those feelings, without anxiety, without depression. I always felt like I so fucking badly miss being alive and how lucky am I that like I want something so badly that I am willing to put myself through such extreme discomfort to get a little bit of it back.

Like I'm willing to go to school and have panic attacks and be anxious and be afraid and be depressed and fight through all of this. It's much more comfortable for me to sit at home and have a panic attack in my bed than it is for me to go to school and have a panic attack 30 minutes from my house when I have fucking raging agoraphobia and raging emetophobia and all of these things.

It's much more comfortable for me to be in bed than to be at school, but I'm going to school anyway because I think this is the way that I regain my life and how lucky am I that I miss my life enough to put myself through all of this to try and get it back. How much do you have to love something for this to be what you will do to regain it? You know what I mean? Meanwhile, fucking Sabrina Carpenter is the soundtrack to all of this. Okay, I'm going through hell. I'm actually, I have fucking, what are those things when someone's ice picks? That's me trying to...

my way out of literally the pits of fucking hell and will be the stars by Sabrina Carpenter is blaring in the background. So you can understand how me going to her concert was just like a big deal for me. I love this bitch. I just, I don't attribute any of it to her music. I just think like how funny is it that she was the fucking soundtrack and how amazing is it that finally when I do regain my life and I do regain joy and happiness and freedom from anxiety, not freedom from anxiety,

I think I will always be in the shackles of anxiety, but that's okay because now I can leave my house and like what more can I really ask for, you know what I mean? But how funny is it that once I finally get to this point where I'm like, hell yeah, life is so cool. I'm so free and like I can look at all these things I can do now. I can leave my house. How great. How funny is it that then she releases the horniest album known to mankind and blows the fuck up. I take a lot of pride in the fact that I picked a great idol because...

Since day one, I loved Sabrina and I didn't have a perception of fame as a kid. Like, why would I? So Sabrina Carpenter has always been like the most famous person alive to me. Because why wouldn't she? I don't know. I didn't understand about an Instagram follower account or like a Spotify listen account. I didn't understand about hype or anything. I just thought, yeah, she's on my TV. She's like...

famous and I didn't know that there were levels to this shit I didn't know any of this like I why would I why would I give a fuck so she was always just really really famous and then I came into the LA of it all recently and realized oh there is levels to this

this person's more famous than that person okay understood but I still just didn't know that Sabrina Carpenter literally wasn't Beyonce like I didn't know that her career had its own trajectory and so it actually came as a surprise to me when I went to my first ever Sabrina Carpenter show which was I probably went about a year and a half ago now and it wasn't it wasn't a huge show and I was like

"Oh, I've been to bigger shows than this." And so I started to think about her like relative to her career, which I'd never given any thought before. Like she actually is conscious of her own career and her own trajectory. I started to think about it and I was like, "Oh, she's not what I thought she was," which is weird and I don't give a fuck. It's just, she's not this massive celebrity. And I was like, it's so funny because to me, she's always been the most unattainable person 'cause she was on Disney Channel when I was a child. So like, of course she's unattainable. But realistically, she has been

working hard to obtain a career that she wants for years and I didn't know that she didn't already have it. I just thought she did. I thought she was literally the sun that shines out of God's asshole. I don't know. And so right as I became like cognizant of the fact that she's not Beyonce, she became... Okay, I'm actually scared to say this because of all the scary things I've been seeing online.

Let's say she became Ariana Grande. That feels much safer. I don't actually know what all that's about, the thank you Beyonce stuff. I don't understand. I have not deep dived it. But like, should I say thank you? I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. Anyways, I started to look a bit closer at her career. And I was like, me personally, I've always thought Sabrina Carpenter is the funniest fucking person alive. Every Disney interview she did, every time I've seen her in a room with a co-star, every time I've seen her in a room with another musician, every time I've seen her on any interview ever, red carpet, whatever it is, the bitch is funny.

And she did not let that fully out for a long time. But if you know, if you know when someone is funny, you can see it shine through regardless of the context.

She's always been fucking funny and in the exact same way. She's funny now She's always been that type of funny and if you didn't see it, it's cuz you're stupid. She's hilarious So I went to her show last night. She has news headlines reading fucking I can't actually remember what it was but it was something stupid like 69% brackets lol the news I'm not making a good example of this and I can't remember what it actually said But it was like something something something 69% brackets lol and then the next news headline was

Nintendo urges men to stop playing video games. She's funny. That's fucking funny. That's the kind of thing that I read once and I'm like, "Heh heh." And then I think about it 10 times over the next course of the week, and every single time I go, "Hmm."

That's the funniest joke you can ever make. The funniest jokes to me are when you see something and you're like, "That was funny." And then you just keep thinking about it like, "No, that was really funny what she said." And it's like, "Did I even laugh?" No. You've entertained my brain for a whole week because you were fucking funny. That was fucking funny, bitch. I love her! She's so funny. And anyway, my point actually is seeing her become a fully realized version of herself

that I have always seen her to be but didn't even like compute it, just assumed that she was. In full fucking force, do you know how genuinely joyous I felt? I was like, oh my god. Like every, every skill set that this girl has, be it her humour, her brain, her artistic vision, her songs, like her voice,

Her voice is honestly like I'm like yeah her voice is fucking amazing. Duh. It's everything else. Like everything she has put forward with this tour with her album. I'm like yes.

Finally, finally, Sabrina Carpenter has reached her like final form. Although it's probably not even her final form. I feel like she has way more in store and I'm like, what more are you gonna do? I'm so excited. I'm not a fan of anyone because I have to reserve all of my fangirling for this one person and I go so fucking hard. I genuinely ride this bitch's dick like there is no fucking tomorrow. Like she's the last man on earth is how hard I ride Sabrina Carpenter's fucking dick and I love it. It's huge.

Also, I think she chose the male backup dancers and shit based on how fucking hot they are because when I saw she did this one scene where she like put her hand up against this like backup dancers hand to like compare sizes and

and I was like this bitch cast this man based on his hand size and then it got me thinking she cast all these men off of some agenda and I'm so happy for her you know what I mean because what what an amazing thing to be able to do one time I was going to do a photo shoot with this brand and they were like trying to entice me into doing it because I wasn't gonna do it and they were like if it helps we will hire because it was basically a photo shoot for a brand and they wanted me on set with another model but they wanted it to be a male model and they were like

we will hire whatever guy you have a crush on because they were trying to entice me to do the shoot so they're like like send through names of like guys that you think are hot that you like haven't spoke to or whatever like that you want to like speak with you know and we'll hire them so that you can do the shoot with them and I was like that is fucking hilarious and very demonic that that's even a thing that's like possible to do you know like that's an abuse of power I love it

I didn't end up doing the shoot though and I was too scared to tell them the name of the guy that I wanted on set because I was like, he is gonna start becoming afraid of me. You know what I mean? If that ever got back to him, it could never. So I was like, a blessing for another time. You know, now I'm gonna pocket. ♪

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Anyway, I love Sabrina Kapita. Watching her on stage, I felt like a proud mother in the audience and I was just like, damn, none of you bitches were on Twitter in 2014 with me. But if any of you were, I saw a comment once on a video and it was like someone saying I was mutuals with her on Sabrina Kapita's stand Twitter in 2014. I was like,

lol, keep that to yourself. But now I'm saying it with my chest. I was there. I am so sad that I had to get rid of my accounts. Do you guys want to know why I ended up deleting my Sabrina Carpenter stan accounts? It was because some girls at school found them and they started to like take the piss out of me for having them. And I was like, this is, as much as I love you babes, horrendously embarrassing because at this point she is still a Disney star and I am a full-fledged fucking 15 year old girl and I have a stan account for 15...

It couldn't run. So I was like, okay, fuck. Well, I have to make a swift exit out of your fandom. And I did, but I never stopped supporting. I just had to take more of a sideline to see. But you know what? I wish I still had those accounts because I would honestly, it would be so fun for me to go back and see what I was like up to. One thing I found really funny that she kept doing was she kept putting us on hold. And I was like, okay.

Hello, she would sing a song and then like this like intermission music would come on It was kind of like a jazzy tune as she would like transition into the next song and I've never maybe this is a thing I've personally never been to a concert or just seen clips from a concert where an artist does that before usually they'll finish a song and then they'll just be like a couple of seconds in between if they don't segue straight into the next song but they'll just be a couple seconds of silence if they maybe run off stage, maybe they'll be like visuals, but like there's never

I've never been put on hold by anyone before, you know? But she put everyone on hold. And I was like, this is so fucking funny of her. She put us on hold.

more than once between songs and then she put us on hold again and she went and changed outfits and i've seen her post sorry this is coming off so creepy i've seen her post videos like backstage videos in that same outfit before right she only wears that outfit for a segment of the show so let me lay it out for you she wears one outfit then she puts us on hold and she gets changed

Then she sings a few songs in that outfit. Then she puts us on hold and she gets changed again. So she doesn't end the concert in this middle outfit, but she posts TikToks, thirst traps in this outfit. So you're telling me unless you get changed once the show is done to film this outfit or does it at like a dress rehearsal? I don't even know if that's a fucking...

She runs off stage, gets changed, films a thirst trap whilst the whole audience is waiting and then just comes back out. She's so fucking funny. She's so fucking funny. That's the funniest thing I've ever seen anyone do ever. I love her so much. Again, riding her dick, like the population of the world fucking depends on it. I don't care. I just want everyone to understand that she's funny. I'm like, did you guys get the joke? I'm just really double fucking triple checking that you guys got the joke because if you didn't, then it's wasted on you.

And I can't have Sabrina Carpenter go to waste for another single second. Finally, finally, I have someone to talk to about this because I have been trying for years. Everyone I have ever been friends with, dated or even honestly met in the street, I've told them, do you know about Sabrina Carpenter? And they tell me, shut the fuck,

up. Not gonna lie though. Every single relationship I've ever had in my life have got into Sabrina Carpenter music. And it's, I know some of them are fans to this day, like diehard fans. And these are people from like 2015. And I'm like, I got them all into you. And it's like my lasting effect, my lasting effect. If you ever get into my life in a severe personal way, you will leave a Sabrina Carpenter fan by hook or by crook. I will play her music until you fucking

love it. I don't remember what my point of saying any of that was, but I was so proud of her and I'm so happy that she is where she is in her career. She fucking deserves it. And I was honestly getting emotional because like everyone was screaming and she, she was so good at talking to audience and she, I can't remember what it was that she said. She was like, I don't like the people at the, she was like, I don't know if I love the everyone at concerts says like, woo, you know, like if she's like, I'm going to play this song, everyone goes, woo.

She was like, "I don't like it, we should say yay." And then everyone in the audience started to scream "Yay" back at her. And then she did some like, performer little like, "You say yay, you say yay!" Like to the different halves of the room. And the noise the room produced was insane. And I was honestly just sat there like, I felt her joy as if it was my own. I was like, I've never been so happy for another human being in my life.

Usually I just don't give that much of a fuck, I'll be so honest with you. Like, I get so happy and excited for my friends when they achieve things, but like, I am not parasocial enough to like, watch a celebrity do anything and really give a shit. You know what I mean? Like, that's reserved for my friends and family, because I'm not a weirdo. But watching her, I was like, no, I'm fully a fucking weirdo. I'm so happy for this bitch right now. Like, full

full blown parasocial relationship, I'm in love with you. I'm sweating by the way, because I've had five cups of coffee today, can you fucking tell? This house came with like, I don't know what they're called, it's like the one they have in Gilmore Girls when it's like in like a glass pot and it just stays warm all the time and it just brews like, it's like a drip coffee machine and it just like stays warm all day.

So if you brew like five cups worth of coffee, you can just go in and out and refill refill You don't have to like do anything it like stays hot once it brews at once and I've been using and abusing this machine like there is no fucking tomorrow and I don't know if you can tell but I do feel a little bit like I'm tweaking right now like literally a little bit so um, um, um, um, um, do I have another point to make about Sabrina Compton? No, I'm gonna shut the fuck up because I'm starting to freak myself out. Love her.

I've been there for every release, every song, every album, every show, every movie. And you know what? It's always, it's been a treat. And I'm just so happy that her music is getting better and better and better and people are seeing it and I'm happy for her and I love it and I'm having a great time. ♪

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I went to the, what's it called, the trading post? I think that's what they call it. It's like this thing in LA and it's like a big flea market basically, which by the way, I love the term flea market because I thought it was something that existed exclusively on Animal Crossing because you know how you could go to the flea market on like the DS Animal Crossing? And then when someone in America was like, you want to come to the flea market with me? I was like, you guys have those for real? Yes, I want to come to the flea market. So I went.

And I got, I got a bunch of these. I wish I had one to show you. They're like miniature figurines. So cool. They were one pound each. Hello. So I got a bunch and then I also got some really fucking cool art and I'm so excited about it. And I moved into this house. What's the date? The

I'm filming this on the 19th of November. I don't know when this podcast episode will air because I'm trying to like backlog episodes. I'm trying to be responsible. Yeah, I moved in as of filming this. I moved into this house a month and a week ago, pretty much. A month and six days ago, I think. The house was furnished when I moved in. So I just kind of got sloppy and like didn't really order. I've also been very busy, but like I didn't really order any like art or like any cool things to put in the house because it was furnished. So like I didn't have to. And I just...

I don't have that much taste, honestly, when it comes to, I have taste.

but it's not taste I can afford yet. And so I usually just don't have that much fun when it comes to shopping for like interior design stuff, because like the stuff that I want is so fucking expensive and I don't know how to find good cheap versions that aren't knockoffs. And I hate when art gets knocked off like really badly. And I also find it kind of sad. Like I don't want to like, you know what I mean? Like someone really did create that and it really is beautiful and I don't want to buy like the fucking Shein version of it. And I don't have good taste when it comes to wall art.

That's my one thing because like I don't know about cool artists. My friends do and so I've been like consulting them like what do I put on my walls? But like I just haven't decorated this house is my point. It's just got furniture that's not mine in it. But also I didn't bring anything with me like I just brought clothes. So there's nothing of mine in this house other than my wardrobe. Like there's just nothing like that says that I live here. And so I found it really fun to go to the flea market and just actually buy some cool like wall prints and art.

and funny things to start making this house feel a little bit more like a home. So that's nice. I've been enjoying that. And I put one piece of art on my wall and it literally brought the whole house to life. Like just that one tiny thing on the wall made such a big difference. And the second my assistant walked into my house after I put the art on the wall, one piece of art, it was the first thing she said to me. She was like, oh,

like oh my god you got wall art and I was like yes I fucking did and it's just one poster it was $20 um but I bought it uh so actually I didn't buy it my friend bought it for me which is very kind of them and it was actually really sweet I we were walking around this little store at the flea market and I just was like I like that one I want to get that one and then like kept walking around the store and then I turned around and my friend was like I got it for you and I was like what

And I was gonna obviously try and stop them like no like I'll get it I'll get it and they had already done it behind my back like they so that I couldn't stop them which is the sweetest fucking thing. I hate when people do that because I want to be able to stop them but I genuinely find it so touching when like someone doesn't even let you see that they're doing something nice for you until they've done it so that you can't like feel bad or try and stop them or anything. It was so sweet and so now the art means even more to me.

I go to New York tomorrow and I'm a bit nervous about it. I've been having a lot of anxiety recently and it's quite annoying, but I'm excited about it. It's going to be a cool trip and I'm going to go ice skating. I don't know what it's called. That place where people go ice skating in the movies. I don't know. And it's like outdoors and stuff. And it's going to be cute and a fun trip. And I'm going with my friend, but I'm nervous.

recently I've just been getting anxiety around like going places like I've been feeling very much like I kind of just want to be at home and I've my my anxiety always gets worse in the winter because people get sicker in the winter and it's just always been like a harder time of year for me and something I like about LA is it's a bit warmer so I'm like okay it's not

quite maybe as bad even though I think it's probably about the same but it's like my brain is a bit more tricked into thinking like it's not winter. But obviously New York is cold as fuck and it's full-blown winter so like I think just being there makes me anxious. I don't know you guys don't really give a fuck but like I've just been dealing with some things lately and I've been a little bit nervous.

about flying and it kind of happens randomly not gonna lie I go through phases where like my anxiety is so minimal that I just genuinely am almost a normal person and then I out of nowhere and before I even noticed it happen I'm someone whose life revolves a little bit around anxiety again and it's

really annoying. And I don't know how to stop it happening. I was thinking about going back to therapy. I've been in and out of therapy literally my whole life, like since I was five or six years old. Actually, I think it started when I was three, but I don't have a physical fucking memory of that. I just found some paperwork once and I was like, hello?

have I really always been this way? But I remember it from when I was six because I remember me and my sister went to get like assessed as kids. I don't know why my mom sent us there. I think it was because my parents had like split up and she was like, I should probably get these bitches checked out. So we went to like some like counseling thing. And I remember my sister coming out and being really excited. And she was like,

The lady said I don't need therapy and I came out with a fucking weekly schedule for the next 12 months. I came out with a fucking crisis plan. So that was when I started to know I was different that day, you know what I mean? And then my mom took us to buy hamsters. That day must have been when everything started for me in hindsight because that was also the start of my rodent obsession. Do you guys know I had 10 hamsters at one point? And I've cycled through so many therapists in my life.

So many. That was really day one. And somehow they're all still used. Somehow I still haven't really found a fucking amazing therapist. I mean, I have. I have had some very special ones. But like right now I don't have one because obviously I just moved. I don't like doing therapy over Zoom. And I kind of outgrew my relationship with my old therapist just because I felt like he didn't understand my job. And...

And I didn't think I needed a therapist who understood my job because like, why would I? But as my job became more intense in my life, I just think I need someone who was maybe young enough to kind of know what the internet is. That was a shame because he was one of the smartest men, if not the, actually he was the smartest man I've ever met in my life and I miss him. But I need to find a new one, I think.

because also something horrible happened that I'm not going to talk about yet. Sorry, cliffhanger, but it was like something and it doesn't matter. Don't worry. It's not juicy. It was just like something happened to me recently in my life where I had a physical fucking reaction to something someone did. And I didn't know that was going to happen to me. I knew I had certain issues that I was going to have to deal with at some point, but I didn't know that those were going to translate in my physical body. Like I didn't, I felt,

I thought I fucking thought I had more control than I did

Classic story. I thought that I was more in control of some of the things that had been done to me and some of the damages I had received and weathered. I thought even whilst they were happening to me and these situations were befalling me, I still thought I can control this. I still thought like I'm smart enough to handle it and I know what this is and yes it's very stressful and potentially traumatizing but it's all within my control and it's fine and like a little bit of damage is nothing.

And then just recently I experienced for the first time something that was not in my control, which was something very mundane and innocent that someone did and said that sent my body into what I can only fucking think of as pain.

a flashback. Like I, it was a very weird experience for me and it made me realize that some of the things that I have weathered in my life are going to have an effect on me that I do not have control over because it's not just thoughts in my head. It is my body is now a certain way, which really sucks.

And I'm very annoyed at myself for letting that happen. But whatever. We'll deal with it. It was annoying and it was sad to realize. And I'm gonna go back to therapy because of it. But you know what? Low-key, need to be in therapy anyway because this podcast is so much more interesting when I'm in therapy because I just literally hijack the conversations. I'm like, you said what? That's a great point. And then I come and I spill it out on this podcast. So really, I should be in therapy for work purposes. And if anything, that will be the incentive to go. Because I'm like, let me not deal with my trauma. But I actually am short on content this week. So...

Fuck it, I'll go to therapy. You know what I mean? Anyways, can this bitch shut the fuck up? I've talked way too much and I'm breaking a physical sweat and I need to jump in the show. Oh my God, I'm filming a guest episode in 20 minutes and I don't have any makeup on. Guys, I have to go. I love you so much. I hope you have an amazing week. Thank you for listening to me yap again. I'll see you next week for another episode of Pretty Lonesome. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you. And we'll speak soon.

I genuinely do love you. Okay, bye. Unwrap some holiday magic in Denver, where the shopping is grander. Drone shows fly every night, where the season feels more wonderful. Discover more things to do and great hotel deals at MileHighHolidays.com.

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