250: Start Your Day with Being OK
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Hello and welcome to another episode of Relationship Alive. This is your host, Neil Satin. How do you find that place within you that's okay, no matter what is going on? And how do you use that place as a resource for the things that aren't okay in your life? Today, I'm going to give you a helpful way to start the day with being okay and

So you can start out on the right foot. And in the process, we're also going to talk a bit about how to discern whether the things that you recognize that aren't okay are worth dealing with or not. And if not, what your options might be.

So I'm going to do my best to keep this simple and succinct so that it's useful for you. Because I don't think that having anything super complicated for a beginning of the day ritual is really all that useful. Typically, when we get going first thing in the day, there's a lot to do, right? So I want you to have something super simple, but that will point you in the right direction for having a productive day.

centered day that takes into account the things that are going well in your life and the things that aren't going so well and puts you in the best position to live the life that you want. How's that sound? Sounds pretty good to me.

But first, I just want to remind you that Relationship Alive is an offering from me to you so that you can have the best possible relationships in your life. And when I say relationships, I truly mean relationships because even though we tend to focus here on our most intimate connections, the truth is that life is relational. We are having relationships all the time. So my hope for you is that the things that you learn today

on Relationship Alive, that they become not only ways to improve your most intimate partnerships, but also in general, the ways that you get along with people in the world. So if you are finding the show to be helpful in that regard, please consider a donation to help ensure that we can continue. You can choose anything that feels right for you and every little bit helps.

Just visit neilsatin.com slash support, or you can text the word support to the number 33444 and follow the instructions to make a donation. And this week I would like to thank Valerie, John, Keerthi, Jules, Rachel, Dion, Cynthia, Julie, Maribeth, Laura, Tonya,

Sarah, Dave, and Ruthanna, thank you all so much for your generous and in many cases ongoing support of Relationship Alive. Now, if you haven't downloaded it yet, I do have a free communication guide for you that gives you my top three ways to improve the way that you communicate, particularly in situations that are challenging.

So these are things that are simple to put into practice, but once you do, they have a huge impact on your ability to stay connected even when things get challenging. To download the free guide, just visit neilsatin.com slash relate or text the word relate to the number 33444 and follow the instructions. And lastly, I did put together a full Secrets of Relationship Communication course that

That's all about the ways that you can find leverage to improve the communication in your relationship. So it doesn't require your partner to do anything, although if they go through the course too, so much the better. But if they don't, you are going to be uniquely prepared to find all the little places where you yourself can leverage

subtly or sometimes not so subtly alter what you do to improve the way that you generate intimacy through your communication, the way that you can feel understood or understand what the heck is going on with your partner. If you're interested in joining the course, just visit neilsatin.com slash course, C-O-U-R-S-E. Okay.

Let's get started. And first, I just want to celebrate with you that this is episode 250. If you had asked me six years ago, seven years ago, when this whole project started, if we would be here 250 episodes later, I probably would have said...

I have no idea. I don't know. As it turns out, there's a lot to talk about. And it also feels like there's a never-ending supply of things to chat about here on the show. So I just want to take a moment and say thank you. Thank you for being here with me on this journey to 250 episodes. I guess the next check-in will be around 500 episodes, right? Will you still be here with me then?

Will you still love me tomorrow? Or 500 episodes in? I don't know. Will I still love me then? Hopefully so. Hopefully we'll still be having awesome, amazing conversations. There are a lot on tap for the coming months that I'm excited for you to hear.

In the meantime, I'm gonna give you a little gift for being here on episode 250. And the way the gift works is something like this. I've been thinking a lot lately about how much easier life is when people are kind and friendly to each other. Perhaps you've noticed that.

how much easier your life is when you're moving through it and someone does something that's super nice for you. An unsolicited kindness or a random act of kindness, or when someone's just super friendly to you, or they ask you how your day is, or they ask you if they can help you out in a way that you can tell is sincere. Well,

Unfortunately, I can't wave a magic wand and transform everyone into your life, into a friendly person. But what I can tell you is this, that if you yourself

work on being kind and friendly in general in your life, then you that will have a ripple effect and there are definitely other people around you who are also listening to relationship alive and who are also hopefully going to be putting extra effort into being kind and friendly and nice and gracious and

And if all of us who are here together are doing that, it will certainly percolate out into the world around us. Now, I'm not saying that you have to be nice to the assholes in your life or that you have to put up with bullshit that's going on. In fact, we are going to have an upcoming episode that's exclusively about how to deal with the assholes in your life. So stay tuned for that episode.

And it's important when you're being nice to have boundaries. You don't necessarily want to be completely kind and open hearted with everyone who crosses your path unless they show you that they're capable of receiving that in a way that is acceptable.

if nothing else, appreciative or reciprocal, or maybe it's even more than reciprocal. Maybe they are super nice to you and generous and kind in return. I suppose that is what reciprocal means, but I mean like to the extreme where it gets amplified back at you. Now that's great. If it doesn't happen and another person treats you badly

unkindly or they're mean or they're a jerk or whatever, then that's not on you. And in fact, that's one of the advantages of just working on being nice in your life is that you can generally be pretty sure that the stuff that's coming at you that's less than kind, that that's not about you at all.

And I think it's helpful in our lives to be able to discern whether we are contributing in some way to a less than desirable situation, or if it's just there's something going on with this other person, whether it's that they're stressed or they had some trauma earlier in their life or they don't know how to receive kindness or whatever it is. All those things aren't about you at all.

So it's helpful as you move through the world, being friendly and kind in terms of your ability to know, oh, when someone else treats me unfairly or they clearly have a chip on their shoulder, that's not about me at all. At the same time, when you experience that, definitely have a boundary up for yourself. Set a limit so that other people aren't just...

wringing the kindness out of you with no benefit to you like or making you feel horrible like that's not okay so that's not my wish for you my wish for you is that the kindness and friendliness that you are putting out into the world just be friendly to someone random that that is going to percolate out amongst all the thousands of relationship alive listeners and eventually

It's just going to make the world a better place. So let's do our part. That's my wish for you with episode 250. And we'll check in at episode 500 and see how that's going. I have a good feeling about it. All right. So let's talk about starting the day with being okay. Now, I don't know about you, but...

For me, it can be, if I'm not paying attention, it can be really easy to wake up in the morning and plunge into the world in a way that agitates me or finds me feeling dysregulated. And once I'm dysregulated, then...

A lot more of my energy and attention needs to be devoted to coming back into balance or just coping with feeling like shit than I'm putting into being self-actualized in the world.

So perhaps you can relate to what I'm talking about, whether it's, you know, you wake up and you look at the news or you think about problems that are happening in your life or you're looking at social media. All of these things can activate your danger brain, the part of you, the negative bias that's meant to scan the world for danger and act appropriately. I feel like those things

of who we are innately as humans, that those things are on hyper drive right now. So being able to not activate your danger brain first thing in the morning or to not feel shame because you pull up social media and you see people

Whether it's some random person or maybe it's just a friend of yours. You see them happy in some great location, like their backyard with a fire going or whatever it is. And it makes you feel like you wish you had that on some level. Like you're not living up to who you need to be, which I don't know if you've seen, but...

There are a lot of studies now about how negative social media is in our lives. We do still have a Facebook group for the Relationship Alive community, if you happen to be on Facebook. And I will tell you that weeks go by where I'm like, hmm, should I keep this going? Because I try to spend as little time on Facebook as possible. And I...

I'm torn between wanting to encourage you to spend as little time there as possible and also wanting to create a community where people can support each other. So, jury's still out on that one. In any case, what I have found is that if you can start the day by finding the place in you that is okay no matter what or that feels like, okay, where I'm at in my life, it's where I'm supposed to be.

It doesn't matter if I feel regret about decisions that I've made in the past or paths that I didn't take. All I know is right now I'm okay. If you can find that space for yourself, then you are gonna be much better prepared to take on the day ahead. Now I do wanna say that this ritual, and I'm calling it a ritual, but it's really simple. It's gonna take you a minute to do.

maybe a little more than a minute if you if you dig deep or if you you know, every so often you can devote a little more time to it. But the thing is, if you are already in a place where you're super dysregulated, where there is something super challenging going on in your life, and I'm, I'm bringing this up because I'm thinking about people in my life right now who are going through some really, really challenging times. And

It's important that this kind of ritual not be some sort of bypass. And I think that there's a danger in that, in thinking that somehow we're not supposed to feel bad or that we're not supposed to feel not okay. That's not true at all. You're supposed to feel bad when things that are bad are happening. And that feeling bad can...

If you can find the right space, it can mobilize you to make a difference, to change things.

Uh, in fact, way back in episode 12, so 238 episodes ago, we talked with Harriet Lerner about the power of anger in creating positive change in your life. She wrote The Dance of Anger. It's one of one of her most popular books. And I definitely suggest you check out that episode. But the whole point is that

feeling not okay can actually be quite positive in your life. So this is, we may have to have, and we have actually had other episodes that are more about if you're triggered, if you're super activated, how do you find your balance so that you can show up for whatever's happening, for the challenges that are happening in your life.

Um, so if you are, if you try to do this exercise that we're talking about today and, and you're having trouble with it and it's because there's some real shit up for you in your life right now, then that's okay. Like that's what I mean is that's totally understandable. And that being said, if you can find the glimmer within you,

And I will admit, so this is just me, okay? So you don't have to feel this way. You don't have to agree with me here. But for me, even when things are really, really challenging, I try to find the place within me that says, you know what? I'm still breathing as long as I am still breathing and so far so good. I'm still breathing. I'm still alive. And what that means is that there is hope. And so far in my life,

Being anchored in that belief has actually been really helpful for me in the times where I felt like my whole world is falling apart. To literally just find that place that says, I'm still breathing. I'm still here in my body. It's the most basic level of being okay. I'm still alive. And as long as I'm alive, there's hope. There's hope for things to get better.

Sometimes in my life, that's the best I can do. And thankfully, that hasn't been often, but there have been those times. And well, I know I said I wasn't going to cover it, but if you are really dysregulated, it can be helpful to literally put your hands on your body in various places and just remind yourself, this is my body. I'm here. I'm safe.

If you're not physically safe, then get yourself to a place where you are physically safe and just ground yourself in your physical form. So you could try that if you're not feeling totally ready to be okay with where you are. But let's assume that you are dealing with the kind of thing that I'm talking about, which is just kind of a...

a predisposition in the morning to not taking charge of your state and instead just kind of diving in to the world at large and, and then having things get a little messy and chaotic in your inner world. And you might feel that as, um, stress or as, as it being challenging to concentrate, um,

or you might feel totally distant from your feelings, like you can't feel anything. All of those things that I've just mentioned are signs that you're not very grounded in terms of your immediate experience. And just to repeat, I want you to start the day with being okay, with recognizing that where you are in your life is the result of choices that you've made

that you can't undo. The past is the past, right? We can't change the decisions that we've made. What we can do is start making different choices here in the present. The way to start making different choices and getting different results is by getting super clear on where you are right now. Now, that's something we have talked about on the show before, just recognizing your circumstances.

So today is a little bit different in that I want to add the element of these are my circumstances and I'm okay. So step one, find a place, just take a moment to be silent or quiet with yourself, hopefully away from other people.

And then whether it's to yourself or out loud, I actually like to do these things out loud. I don't tend to shout them, but I tend to kind of whisper them to myself. You might say, I'm okay. You might say, I'm alive and I'm okay. Now, if the word okay doesn't work for you, if you want to use something else like everything's fine, that's cool.

I would shy away from things like everything's awesome or, you know, my life is exceptional in every way because I think that the parts within us that are discerning and skeptical, they hear shit like that and they're like, no way. What are you talking about? This isn't okay. This isn't okay. This is right. So we don't want to, we don't want to activate the, the critical parts within us by saying,

being ridiculous or being Pollyanna-ish about what's going on in our lives. So that's why I like the word okay. And even then, you may hear a voice screaming out, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. This thing that's going on in my life, that's not okay. And that's good. If you hear that, that's great.

Um, you might want to have a notebook handy for yourself, uh, so that if you hear that voice, you can just acknowledge it and write that thing down and be like, you're right. That is not okay. You can, you can talk to yourself like that. Give, give yourself that acknowledgement and write it down and say, I'm going to come back to that right now. I'm just finding the place within me that recognizes that in this moment, um,

Things are as they should be. That may be another place where you don't like the word should. Sometimes I don't like the word should. You might just be like, where I'm at is where I am, right? Or what I'm experiencing right now is the consequence of choices that I've made.

And you might even look back over some of your recent choices or even some of your distant choices. I like to do this sometimes and see how where you are actually is a reflection of choices that you've made.

Some of those choices have been obvious choices where you've had to really think about things and make a clear choice. Other times we make a choice without even realizing it. I didn't, I didn't realize that by going downtown to get a coffee that day that I was going to meet that person and that meeting that person was going to lead to this other thing that happened, right? Like sometimes it's just the random choices that we make and

And other times it's the very clear intentional choices that we make. And no matter what it is, unless you are a pinball just being battered around by life, you are making choices. You're making choices with how you respond to things. So in this moment, you get to just say, I'm okay. Where I am is the consequence of choices that I've made.

And you might try something like, and I'm capable of making new choices. So it's as simple as that. Right now I'm alive. I'm okay. Where I am makes sense. I can see how I got here. I can see how where I am is the consequence of choices that I've made. And what that means is that from this place, I can make whatever choice I need to make.

for my own welfare, for the welfare of my family, for the welfare of my kids, for the welfare of my friends, for the welfare of the world, whatever it is, I can make whatever choice I need to. It's as simple as that. So I know I've taken, what, probably, how long has it been? 25 minutes to get here. But as you can see,

The statements that we choose are very simple. And the point is to help you find that place where you do feel like in this moment, I actually am okay. And moving forward, I can do whatever I want from here, from this moment forward.

That's what I want for you as a way to start your day. So not in the chaos of social media and news and other people's demands or your own concerns about what's going on in your life, but from a place of just recognizing that here you are and from here on out, you are going to have something to say about it, whatever it is.

Now, I told you that we're going to get to how to handle the things that aren't okay. And so we are going to do that in a moment. And I also am going to take just a minute to give you a tip or two for how to fortify and amplify your okayness if you do want to do that in a way that is sincere. So it's not going to trigger your inner critic.

But first, I want to take a moment to mention this week's sponsors who are also graciously supporting Relationship Alive. And each of them has a special offer for you. So first, when you're ready to just be entertained, if you're getting tired of seeing the same old shows,

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Okay, so we have two more important things to tackle. The first is how do we amplify the ways that we are okay right now in this moment? And the second is what do we do about the ways that we're not okay?

You can try doing the next two things that I'm going to suggest. You can try swapping the order and see what feels best for you. But we are going to start with thinking about your strengths. Now, this might be a moment where it's helpful to write things down. So along with...

just recognizing that you're okay in this moment, this is a good moment to also write down things that you know you have going for you. Things that are going well, abilities that you have, capacities that you have. So for instance, an ability might be, I'm good at math.

Right. Or an ability might be I know how to help other people calm down when they're really aggravated. So whatever your abilities are, just write them down. I have the ability to look in my refrigerator and pull out random ingredients and make a super tasty meal. I have the ability to reach out to a close friend when I need help.

I'm just throwing out some ideas here. You can hit pause right now and take a minute and actually do it, or you can circle back around. Capacities might be things like I have the capacity to stay up late night after night to get things done when things need to be gotten done. Is that how you'd say it?

So yeah, I have the capacity to take on learning something new when I bump up against something that is challenging or that I don't know how to handle. Those are some examples. Or you might just identify people in your life who are there for you. You know, I know I can call so-and-so whenever I need a listening ear or a helping hand. Or you might just start with, I'm here for myself.

No matter what, I'm not going to ignore myself and my own needs. Okay? So take a minute and list out all of, or it doesn't have to be all, but at least some of your strengths and abilities and capacities. And recognize that all of that is there with you right in this moment. Whatever is going on, even if things are challenging, you still have all of these strengths

all of these capacities. They are there within you waiting to be utilized or even developed further. So that's step one. Step two, and I know you've probably been waiting to hear, what do we do with the voice that says, are you kidding? You're not okay. This isn't okay. This thing that's happening in your life. And when I think back on other times in my life,

There are definitely moments where if I had sat there and said, I'm okay, everything right now is as it should be, I know for sure that the voice within me would speak loudly and clearly saying, sorry, Neil, this thing is definitely not okay.

And like I said, there's nothing wrong with hearing that voice. In fact, it's really good that we have that voice. The problem is if that voice is all you hear, then that can get in the way of making positive change because we can be so negative.

and so activated by the danger brain critical voice telling us what's wrong, that we can't marshal our strengths and abilities to figure out what to do about it. So you can see why I started with at my core, I'm okay and I'm empowered to make choices. And that the next step was

going through some of your abilities and capacities. And if you're anything like me, you are maybe even doing that with a thought about what the things are that are happening that might be a struggle for you right now. So now it's okay to list out the things that aren't okay. Hopefully this list isn't too long.

But this is an opportunity for you to get really clear on what are the things that absolutely are not okay right now. And then if you don't have too many of those or any of those, you might go to what are the things that kind of aren't okay right now? Or what are the things that I wish were a little different?

So as you exhaust the more serious things, the things that absolutely have to change as soon as possible, you can allow yourself to open up to the things that maybe just need to shift over time. Because it's important to acknowledge, just like it's important to acknowledge the part of you that...

is like, you know what, I'm okay in this moment. Like I'm here, I'm breathing, I'm still okay. I can make choices and make new choices. It's also important to acknowledge the parts of us that are there to protect us by identifying the things that need to change. So that's what we're doing here. Now there are two places you can go, probably more than two, but two places that we're gonna talk about today.

The first is that once you have listed those things, you can go back through them and see if for each one you can identify three ways. Try for at least three ways. You can do as many as five, let's say, and definitely try to do more than one so you have some options.

Try to identify for each thing ways that you could change the situation. What are different choices that you could make that would have an impact on whatever the situation is that you've identified that isn't okay? If you need to, you might consult your handy list of strengths, abilities, and capacities.

to remind yourself of what superpowers you have that are available to you for dealing with that thing. Or it may be as well that when you sit there and say, okay, this thing is going on, that's not okay. You may identify a different strength that you had that you weren't even thinking about the first time through. Because one gift that we have along with our danger brain is our creative problem-solving brain.

And also, by the way, because we're being somewhat organized about how we're going through this process, that also helps you stay in a regulated state, which keeps you in your creative problem-solving brain instead of just being overwhelmed by the enormity of the problems before you. So there's some method to the madness here. Hopefully, after going through each process

problematic situation and doing a little problem solving, you feel actually a lot better. In fact, you might revisit the, that sense of like, okay, actually in this moment, I am okay because now I see my problems and I also have some pretty good ideas about what to do about them.

Or if I don't know, if you really have no clue about what to do about a certain thing, then at a minimum, think about who you could talk to about that thing, whether it's a friend, a family member, someone you know who's experienced that thing and gotten through it, a counselor, a coach, whatever.

I'm often sounding board for my clients when they have a situation that they're not quite sure what to do about. It's perfect to ask someone who's objective, right? So that's a great utilization of a third party. And hopefully in that moment, you feel a bit more empowered and a bit more okay with wherever you are. The second thing as you look through this list is...

I think it's worth it to ponder the level of suffering and pain that you associate with each of these things. Because sometimes when you step back and look at a situation, you recognize that it's okay.

Like that ultimately it's painful, but the level of pain and suffering that comes along with this thing is something that you can bear or you can deal with it over time. There's no urgency. However, some kinds of suffering...

Your urgency goes from a one or a two all the way up to a 10. Like I have to get out of here as soon as possible. This is the wrong situation for me, or these are the wrong circumstances for me. How do you know? How do you know what kind of suffering is acceptable?

It seems kind of funny to say that, but you know, we problems happen in life. I don't know if it's possible to live a life that doesn't involve any pain or suffering. Although I know that some people say like pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. Maybe the Buddha said that I can't quite remember. Uh,

But whatever, that's just semantics, okay? If you're feeling pain, you're also gonna have some suffering along with it. Let's just be real with each other, okay? However, how do you know if it's worth staying in a situation and trying to improve things or if it's maybe time to start thinking about getting out of that situation? I'm gonna give you a simple metric right now.

And this is something that we have actually talked about here on the show and we will undoubtedly talk more about it. Here's the thing. If you truly feel like you have exhausted all of your avenues for improving something, and this includes not only the things that you innately know how to do, but it also includes

talking to other people because other people are going to help you approach situations differently. And often we experience things the way that we do because of who we are, because of how we naturally respond to a given situation.

So if you want a situation to be different, you have to naturally respond differently. And that's just not going to happen because we are who we are. However, someone else might be able to give you a different idea that as odd as it seems, if you are willing to try, may actually have a different effect.

I will admit that I get a little annoyed when I'm talking to someone about a situation and they say, I've tried everything. And what they really mean is, I've tried everything that I know how to try. And some people's options for everything are actually quite limited. And inevitably, when I say, oh, you've tried everything? Well, have you tried this? Have you tried that? Inevitably, the answer is no, I haven't tried those things.

That's where I start to be less annoyed and hopefully can engage the other person in like well look There's actually a lot of other options here. Let's try them and see what happens Let's see what feels like you could try so on the flip side if you really if you've done that and you feel like you're just going around and around and around in the same cycle of pain and suffering and things aren't getting any better or another person is really stuck and

And it seems clear that they're not willing to do anything to unstick themselves. Well, that might be a moment where it starts to make sense to try to get out of a particular situation. So they're staying in a situation and working with it and trying new things. And then there are those moments where you just have to make a boundary in your life and choose out, choose something different.

Now, if you are in a relationship situation where choosing out literally means like I'm going to break up with this person or I'm going to divorce this person, then there are ways to do that or to even talk to the other person about how you are contemplating that. There are ways to do that with kindness that are potentially an avenue for creating change with the other person.

Sometimes in those moments, we actually have a lot of leverage with the other person. That is outside the scope of today's conversation. But I mention it just to let you know that when you get to that point where you think, okay, I think it might be time to choose out, there actually may still be options there for you that give you leverage and that give you an opportunity for things to actually make a shift for the better.

And, I mean, we all know someone, right, who has even taken the step of breaking up with a person and that's like the wake-up call where they actually do start to change, right?

Unfortunately, that's not guaranteed. For every person where that's happened, I've probably known several other people for whom that hasn't happened or where the person that they're leaving feels threatened by the rupture in attachment and wants to make a change, but they never really do. It's all about just like,

steadying their world and stabilizing their world. Because when your partner leaves you, it's pretty painful, usually, unless you're in a state of being totally numb and dissociated or not caring, in which case, it might not be immediately painful, or it might not be ever painful. And, you know, that's that all depends on the person who's experiencing it. But in the end,

though that might be indicative, that sense of just going around and around and things never getting any better, even when you try different things, that might be a time for you to decide to make a very different choice. And if you're in that circumstance, then my wish for you is that you find a way to talk about it with the other person that helps you both feel empowered. It

Brings me back to what we were talking about at the very beginning of this episode with being friendly or being kind with each other. How amazing could this world be if we were able to sit down in a situation that wasn't working and say, hey, like we tried and it's okay. There's nothing wrong with you inherently. There's nothing wrong with me inherently. We are who we are and this just isn't working anymore.

And so it's time to maybe try something different. Imagine if you could have that conversation from a place of being kind, being loving, and actually wishing the best for each other. That's pretty powerful. But I have no idea what's going on in your world. And so let's just start by taking 30 seconds each

of the beginning of your day before you've picked up your phone before you've turned on the TV perhaps before you've even spoken to anyone else and Just speak to yourself the words I'm okay where I am in my life makes sense given the choices that I've made and from this moment I can make whatever choice I need to and hopefully

That means you're able to start your days from a place of being centered and grounded and empowered. And that is my wish for you as we celebrate episode 250 of Relationship Alive. I hope to be with you here for 250 more episodes at least. And in the meantime, until next time, take good care of yourself.

Let me know how you're doing. You can always reach out. My email address is neilius, N-E-I-L-I-U-S at neilsatin.com. And I can't always respond because I do get a lot of email, but I do read everything that comes my way. And if I can, I'll be happy to read them.

I will incorporate things into future episodes to help answer questions that you have. And if nothing else, it's great to hear from you and to hear how things are helping with the podcast in your life. And if there are things that you want me to tackle, to hear that too, so that I can be improving what I offer you. Thanks again for being with me here and I will see you soon.

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