F***in' 'Mon Then! (Ft. Connor Burns)
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Sloss and Humphreys on the road Muggins and cream, cream and muggins Straight thuggin', livin' the dream That's our intro Fuckin' muggles Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! They said it can't be done Away in the same seats That's hack Muggles Accidental rim job in the park Kiss, kiss, kiss Or might just be cynical Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglopedia Have you been since 9-11? Oh he's like, people have paid for seminars Yeah And he just stands there and he's like, em...

He's like, if you make less than 100k a month, 100k a month, you've got to look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself, why am I failing as a man? And he's there just like tiny, like, ab t-shirt. Andrew Tate's got such a small dick as well. Like, every time he's in fucking his little skimpy jorts. That's why you're angry, man. That's why you hate women. That's what it all comes down to, man. Have you seen that South Park episode about, like, uh...

That's like the thing that they find out that all of the like male violent acts and stuff start going up in South Park and they find it's because they've adjusted the national average of the penis up. So like more guys are under average than were before. I think that's why racists are racist. They're like, get the black people out of my country. Why? Because you think they're lazy?

Sure. Yeah. I need the national average to go down. They're so fast and they have such big dicks. Imagine how fast they'd be if they had little dicks.

Is that the start of the podcast? Maybe. Is it on? It wasn't on for the full start. Oh, no. That's fine. The lack of context, I think, would make that funnier. If we didn't mention who we were talking about, there's no guesswork. Also, it's like that thing, I can't remember if there's a time for it, but it's like in sitcoms when the scene opens up with somebody...

saying something that's the end of the conversation that's very funny yeah like it could be like one of those yeah if something if a bit on the podcast doesn't go anywhere later we'll just put on that ending yeah but by the way that is also definitely can i talk about like new hack and all the like new hack bits that's it's not even new i'd say this this type of hack is 15 years old and i've i think i also probably did it at 1.15 years ago

But any comedian, the joke is, so I was walking through the train station the other day and two people just walked past me and one of them said, and then something completely random. Yeah. And then they just extrapolate from there. Because exaggerating and making shit up is the cornerstone of comedy. But there's something so shit about when your initial reaction to a bit is, yeah, that didn't happen though. Yeah. Like you can sit there and happily know, I know that this story is embellished.

I know there's a kernel of truth in it. It's funny. They're telling it well. I don't care. But the second you get that feeling, no one came up and said that to you. It's the same with fucking Facebook mums. Yes. My two-year-old came up to me today and they said, why is there so much anger in the world, mummy? No fucking doubt. Because everyone's got a fucking two-year-old. Yeah.

What's racism, mummy? Do you know how difficult it was to explain that to him? You're Mexican, you're going to find out. It's Angelina Jolie. What's racism? Baby, baby, you've heard plenty of it. You just don't know what's been going on. Not a scary moment, but like a fucking, like almost...

I don't know, we had a parent moment today. We took our son to swim lessons with all of his mates at like a hotel pool. And like... That's a real rich guy move. To have a pool and to take your son to a different pool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But actually it's normal, so...

Get a shirt at a hotel and they'll sleep with a thousand people, but whatever. We go to the swimming class since he was like six months old. We know all the mums and the kids there. It's great. So they're all learning. They're all right. You know, none of them can fucking swim, but they're getting there. And this black couple came in and like clearly the woman had never swam before. Not saying anything. Not saying anything. And her partner was very gently, really beautifully like,

getting her to swim holding her up helping her which I felt so bad for her because I wonder if that was like embarrassing like there's kids doing the same sort of thing but she fucking plowed on and went through it but when like two black people walked into the room in the middle of Scotland all five kids went yeah we're like nope no no no it's not yeah you racism is learned but that look is in there yeah yeah that's true I remember Milo McCabe was really worried that his

like taught her my god daughter was racist for like a year because she was really smiling with everyone and then whenever Jamali Maddox came around she'd be like no he's not racist Jamali's like he's got his big fucking beard he's a big guy yeah he's a big guy what's cool with that

I think it's funny you could always tell what sports were invented by white people because we had to make it more complicated to compete with black people. Yeah. Like... Golf. Yeah, golf. And then fucking sure enough comes on the best guy ever who's black. I know.

But we knew his only weakness, Tiger Woods, which was white women. As soon as he won his 14th Master, we were like, send in the Sandras. Let's fucking fix this. But no, because you can tell it has to get more complicated for white people to be able to compete in it. So like...

I like triathlon. I don't, I've never even looked this up. I know that that's a white thing. Yeah. Because it's just sprinting with more white stuff added on. Yeah. Yeah. We can't win them in running. That's just a guy who was so sick of losing at sprinting. They went, what if they end this Jamal? We swam.

And then you have to find a bike. Yeah, if black guys really started doing triathlons, they would be so dominant. They wouldn't even need the gear. A black guy could win the Tour de France on a Boris bike. I'm sure of it. Just like he found it. Yeah. Oh, and he'd also be tested for drugs well before anyone else. He could be the fucking cleanest one. They were like, we test every week, every day.

every week now. You're not testing the other players. We test them every month. Did you do it for Lance Armstrong? Of course we did. Yeah. He says with his Livestrong band on. I know. Aye, man. I do love those big falls from Grace. Like...

And I fully accept that like if I ever have one in my career people are allowed to laugh. The Tiger Woods one I didn't find it as enjoyable. I found it enjoyable at the time because I was a kid but I watched his documentary recently and like his dad was a fucking beast man. Right. Well like

It seems like that's what it takes. It does seem like that's what it takes. You have to, if you want your kid to become the best at something, you have to unload on them. Yeah, I mean, when I came in here, you were so nice to your son and I was like, mediocrity. Yeah.

I know it's a few of those basketballs on the little thing hadn't gone in. Nah man, I get angry. I honestly get angry sometimes because my dad was so nice to me growing up where I'm like, come on man, more drinking, raise a hand to mum every now and then. Give me a fucking story to tell up here. Yeah, yeah. My parents tried their best. Like they killed my sister and I was so traumatised.

And I was good, and then I got a shot of that and I'm like, come on guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Annoyingly, all of my siblings are alive. Yeah, fuck it. Fucking, no one wants to hear. That's why you don't have a boomerang. No one wants to hear. That's why I drive the same car as your cleaner. That was a fucking, that was an ego check. I filled in that G and we thought, oh, this is keeping it surprisingly real. Anyway, that's my cleaner's car. I went, oh fuck. I think it might even be a newer Ridge. Yeah.

I don't even have Slossy's cleaner money. You can choose whether you'd want to let people know you have a cleaner or not. I would... Oh, no, we've spoken about it on the podcast. I would... I hate when people are like, oh, we don't want people to know...

Absolutely. What's the point in having money if you're not going to have the fucking perks of it? People that win the lottery and go, I'd still go to work on Monday. Well, then you're a fucking arsehole. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Give the money to someone who will enjoy it. Like that Ned, remember that Ned? The Glaswegian guy, maybe 20 years ago that won like 13 million. And he's,

he lost all of it he just bought jewelry and built a dirt bike track at the back of his council house that's what i want from a fucking lottery winner yeah four years later back on the floor like you have fucked up your life he's like but you should see the photos i can't be able to reminisce for the rest of my life like i used to work with a guy in a in a guitar shop who was in a

a 90s like Britpop band that kind of almost made it he's got a clip they were the musical guest on like Jonathan Ross and that they were close but just for the way it is for so many bands it just never they never got picked and I often said that I was like do you like regret any of the moves that you made that led to you breaking up and like it not happening and genuinely he went

nah he was like I was I had a blast he went I was this close this close to shagging Patsy Kenza and that's his like little thing I'm like

He didn't even shag her, he was just like "I was that close and that's all I need, I'm happy, I can live the rest of my life going on" She was up there, "I missed the taxi, sent her to the wrong hotel" Yeah, that was it, sometimes that's what you need Whatever happened to, just speaking of that Scottish legend, the Lord Who Winner, whatever happened to Smeeto? I vaguely remember that maybe he ended up having a fall from grace

Because it came out that his version of events wasn't really what happened. He maybe wasn't the first guy to get there on the scene. Yeah. So for those who don't know who Johnny Sweetin is, when there was the...

Glasgow terrorist attack in which nobody died not even the terrorist attempted suicide bombing tried to drive a car filled with explosives into Glasgow airport the car caught fire but didn't explode and the story goes the guy got out of the car to like I don't know stop drop and roll and he just chinned him which

which was such we had such Scottish pride for that oh my god just I'm pretty sure there were bars in Dundee that like had shots called a flaming terrorist and the whole thing was it was like downing a flaming terrorist you go in there you do the fucking smittle it's what a class way to deal with terrorists you're getting your cunt no fucking overseas wars we're not gonna we're not gonna bomb the schools of the area you're getting flogged

fucking not to like because people go billy connelly's because billy connelly spoke about in one of his shows but like there is a bit he talks about the interview and it but it is if you haven't seen it in years stick the right after as soon as it was safe for cameras to be on the scene

they interview him and it's honestly sensational because he makes no effort to unscottish his replies and yeah and the woman's like so you know take us through the course of events and he's like i just a guy go to the car and i just fucking say it right about him the um the wikipedia article says it was reported that smith and shouted fucking mon then

and then kicked Kafil Ahmed in the groin and then suffered burns over 90% of his body and died later in hospital he did die he did die because his balls were so fat

Imagine if it burns on 90% of your body and the last 10% gets bootied up into the fire. Look, I know they say burning alive is one of the worst pains in the world, but I imagine when he was fully on fire, he'd just go, oh, that nats. Oh, no, that sucks. That does. Fucking enjoy 72 versions with that. Yeah, fucking like that.

Fucking hell, that's so fucking moan then, what a battle cry. I'll stick on the interview Matthew, you can suppose it is. John Smeaton, I know you were taking a break from work, you were very close by, what, just a few metres? Oh, about 20 yards at the most, 20 yards away from it. I've seen a jeep come round the corner, heard a commotion, came round the corner, seen a jeep crash into the front of the terminal building, it was on flames.

Snag. Man, get out the passenger side of the vehicle. He tried so hard not to say a slur there. That's a policeman that's coming to a shift. That's all I ask. Man. The kind of man that you'd maybe buy your fags off of. You know, the type that works in a corner shop. The man there attacked the policeman. I thought, that's not right. And I ran over.

He talked to the policeman, that's not right. As if this cunt has never tried to batter a politician. That's not right. Other members of the public did the same. One of them injuring themselves, I see I was actually hit by the attacker. So, me and a female member of security, I think Mary, her name wasn't Mary, maybe. I mean, her pulled the gentleman down.

further away from the burning vehicle to the side and we're doing that between the man who was covered head to toe covered in flames got up and he also tried to attack the police

So, oh, quite an unbelievable thing to actually see happen. What was going through your mind at the time? My mind was going, go ahead and police me. It was going through your mind, fucking finally, an excuse. I thought I was going to have to wait till 1am on Saturday morning to get to do this. Fucking hell.

Because there was like a huge fucking Sun campaign to like make sure that he never paid for a drink ever again. It was like buy a pint for Smeaton. It's crazy. Yeah, because I remember they had the tea and Smeaton was the tenant's tea in the newspaper and stuff. Yeah, I remember that. Is it really though? That's a great... Scotland's not been attacked since. That would be a phenomenal script. Like a Die Hard type thing where he's stuck in the airport but it's just a wee guy from Glasgow. Yeah.

Just got like All he's got is like a Stanley knife I'm actually surprised Considering like BBC Scotland Will not make anything Unless you put in 17 Buckfast references Mate We need This is it We need to make the John Smeaton story Smeato Smeato Played by Gredo Yes aye Aye

What's... Is it James Cosmo can be his dad or something? He's the Scottish dad and everything. Gregor Fisher. And we'll get... Who's the... We'll get Sanjeev Kohli. Don't even say what part he's going to play. Let them fill in the blanks.

Leave it there, he could work in the airport canteen. Karen Gillan could be Mary. Yeah, Mary. Let's be honest, female security is not going to be a Karen Gillan. No. Maybe a Susan Kelman. Aye, aye. Oh, no, I'll tell you fucking who. Susie McCabe. That's the casting. BBC Scotland, if you're listening, which I doubt you are because you've

got a thumb in your mouth with a thumb up your arse we would love to write the six part series the legend of smito yeah it's a drama kind of hi or if we could sex it up a bit get martin compston to play him oh yeah yeah he'd be good and because you could do his origin story like proper like dc like like maybe

Adam maybe lost his dad in a car accident which caught fire give him like an edge he's getting like a PTSD flashbacks to when he was a kid and he used to hold the kid down to put him in the balls he remembers trying to pull his dad from the burning car but he couldn't do it and he decides he's never going to let that happen again

Wait hold on You're a bad man Yeah And also he's blind Yeah Because I'll tell you this On United 93 Right Those brave people That got up Right to storm that cockpit Right to crash that plane To stop any further Axe terrorists None of them Planned to punt that guy In the boss No They were all going in With choke holds Yeah That's the problem Is Like I think

the 9-11 problem was that it was Americans on the plane and like everyone do as he says this guy's serious you just needed a Scottish guy to go is this cunt for real I'm about to know on my way to holiday hijack it on the way home listen fair play to you Ahmed but I'm bursting on a shite here so either you put us into the twin towers or I'm getting up right now

It feels like if there was a bunch of English people, right, they'd see the terrorist storm the cockpit, go in, take it over, and they'd be like, let's do it, let's go fucking storm. And all the terrorists would have to do is turn on the fasten seatbelt signs. And all the English would go, ah, fucker. Just because he's standing up doesn't mean we should join in. Two wrongs don't make a right. LAUGHTER

That's the six part BBC Scotland drama Smeeto. Unbelievable. Or we could go to like get do a Disney remake and do all black cast all black female cast Smeeto. White terrorist. Drives perfectly. White non-denominational terrorist.

He just jumps out of the car on fire He's like I don't think there's anything after this What year did it happen in Matthew? I think it was like 2007 No I feel like it was 2004 2007 Glasgow airport attack Oh because I wasn't It's when the iPhone came out

Ah. Yeah, that's what... If I'd just waited another few months, we would have had footage of that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We would have seen the whole thing. Because obviously I wasn't doing the fringe that year, 2007, or if I was, it would... No, I wasn't. I'd only just started comedy. I can guarantee...

There was Smeetle the musical somewhere at the French. Oh, yeah. Cunt and the Gang probably did it. Oh, yeah. Or some fucking shitty improv troupe. Yeah, yeah. And I took all this thing out of it. Not that all improv troupes are shitty. Oh, a lot of them are. A lot of them are. It's like improv for me is like I enjoy it as much as I enjoy music.

like musical theater where i'm like the best shit is great yeah but there's a lot of shit yeah it's improv is jazz please yeah please it's jazz people being like we like there's some stuff we know yeah we're gonna cobble it to vote and i fucking i hate jazz yeah i've tried so hard with jazz yeah what am i i left uh date with a girl

because it was like her second or third date and she was like thanks things to be cool and well I want to take you somewhere so you can see something that's like really fucking important to me and she took me to the jazz bar and I had a mate that worked in the jazz bar and I'm like even with free drinks I cannot fucking sit through this yeah just people just making shit just making it up

I'm not saying it doesn't require talent because to be able to improv with musical instruments is an inherent fucking talent. But why the fuck would you do that with your talent? Well, it's that thing of like people get so good at something that they have to try and alienate as many people with it as possible. It's like the best guitarists in the world have no fans.

or they end up joining the band of Robbie Williams. You know what I mean? Because you get so good at something that all you want to do is wank on it as much as possible. And it alienates everybody that just wants to go, yeah, it's not let me entertain you though, is it? It's not.

Do you reckon this fucking monkey movie will make Robbie finally big in America? Because that's why they did it. They made him a monkey because nobody knows. Nobody knows who he is. Even though Robbie Williams has been in LA for 10 years. It's been like, aliens are real, by the way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm spending all of my money on that. And I actually like Robbie Williams. Like, I never hated him, right? Yeah, I didn't... I think he...

quite tongue-in-cheek about his own career oh there was an interview i saw him do recently where he was just like i can't sing i can't dance i can't write songs and i'm famous so anyone at home be like i can't do anything get out there and give it a call and i was like fair fucks to you man that's a good attitude to have he's a he's some showman though what are you talking about it bombed in america huh it bombed

it bombed yeah it really bombed in America it did like a million dollars you know what's funny though is America is very different I think that's one of the big differences between the American psyche and the one in the UK is TikTok it's like Americans are like angry as if we're like

forcing Robbie Williams on them. Like, who the fuck is this guy? He's not, I'm like, yeah, he's famous in a lot of other places, but that's fine. Like, just chill out. Like, America is the country of, like, a country full of people and this is the one. I get it. Sometimes it's Scotland and England. I fucking hate it. Someone will come up to me and go, apparently you're famous. I'm like, all right. It doesn't matter, does it? I've never heard of you. Okay. Yeah. Neither is 99.9% of the world, bud. Yeah. Like,

Yeah, that thing of like, and people think that's a very Scottish thing to be like famous, you know, but Americans are like that. And also it's like, are you trying to explain? You go, yeah, but like even a guy over there like John Mayer,

Like not that many people know who John Mayer is in the UK. Like not, but they're like, no, what? No, no way. No way. And you're like, yeah, people can be famous in different places. We didn't invent Robbie Williams to fuck with you. And also we think the monkey hangs fucking weird as well. We're not sure why he's done the monkey film either. Apparently it's class. Hi. It's really, really good. Yeah. Oh, really? Yeah. That's great. Yeah.

I mean, I'm going to watch it because I don't mind the biopic movies. Music-wise, Robbie Williams, how do you feel about him? I've got the worst taste in music in the world. Because that's why I like to bring it up because, like...

Your taste in music is startlingly bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And also, the last time I listened to music out of choice, like just decided myself, I'm going to listen to some music. Six months ago, maybe. What was it? Can't remember. You remind me, I've got my mate Ross and he's very similar and it's just like,

He listens to the stuff where you go, who's listening to this? And it's you and Ross. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, one of his favourite bands to this day is The Fray. Oh, The Fray of Glass. Yes, it's how I save a life. It's... Yeah, man.

No one's favourite band is The Fray. Oh man, The Lumineers, Mumford & Sons. They're all the same people. Yeah, man. Ex-ambassadors. Give me sad white man with a ukulele talking about a fucking relationship when he's being like, she was bad to me, but it's also almost very clearly. You know what you like? You know what you listen to? It's car advert music. Absolutely. 100%. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Ha ha ha.

The new Honda. I remember once me and State were driving to a gig somewhere.

Because I don't listen to music in the car. That's crazy. That's crazy. After half an hour, me and Steve were talking, right, for about half an hour, and he's like, are you a psychopath? I was like, I don't think so. But as Ben suggests, he's like, there's no music on in the background. I'm like, what do you want to listen to? He's like, fucking anything, man. I remember he was like, my buddy, I can hear the voices in my head. I loved, he still loved doing the long car journeys we stayed on.

I remember one time none of us had spoken in about 45 minutes. We were just listening to whoever was on the radio. And then he just turned to me and went, you know what's fucking bullshit, man?

It's like this idea that comedy has to come from tragedy. It's like, I don't buy that shit at all. He's like, I look at you, Connor, you probably had a pretty rough time in high school. Yeah, I didn't really love high school. He's like, yeah, man, you probably think I had a rough time in high school. I went, yeah, probably. He went, nope, I've been popular my whole fucking life. We were talking about this the other day about stage, which is like,

There must have been a point, and maybe I'm wrong, but I feel like there was a point when his stage persona was a height, like as all of our stage personas are, it's a heightened version of ourself. Uh-huh.

the stage and that character are now just oh completely inseparable i i did a short-lived podcast with him during covid because we were just he lived not that far from me and we were bored so we i'd pick him up the studio we were using was in dundee so i'd pick him up once a week and drive him to dundee one and we had like it was like mate of a mate's podcast studio but we still had to like get there for the time because other people were using it

So I was outside his house, beeping and beeping and beeping. I'm already like 10 minutes late. I'm like, fuck, what's he doing? I'm phoning him, no answer on his phone. So I get out to go, I get out of the car and go up to his little back door. And it's like patio, his old house. It's like patio glass doors.

And I look through the thing. He's sitting on his couch with a VR headset on, wearing the yellow karate suit from Cobra Kai. With the headband. Joint going. And on the side table next to him is a magazine called Philosophy Monthly. LAUGHTER

It was like, knock the door. He's like, oh, fuck, man. Is that today?

I remember when Stade first got that VR it blew his fucking mind because like Stade surprisingly grew up playing Dungeons and Dragons and shit and there's a game on the fucking VR which is just like a dungeon crawler and like he was just obsessed with it like could not get him out of that fucking reality he was like I never thought I'd like to see this thing become real all through Covid I used to go around and he used to be in his back garden with the helmet on yeah

Yeah, because he literally got all the grass in his garden removed and replaced with a square of AstroTurf and he got a floodlight put in so he could play VR in his garden. And every time I saw him, he went, because it was during lockdown, he'd be like, dude, I'm not enjoying this reality, so I'm going to stay in this world until the real one isn't fucked up.

I used to write jokes with Stade all the time because he was unbelievable to write jokes with. He genuinely is one of the most underrated comics in the UK. The guy's so fucking funny. Stephen Grant had a great point about one, I think it was on Stuart Goldsmith's podcast, where he's like, there are very few natural comedians. And what a natural comedian is, is you can shake them out of bed, hand the microphone, push them on stage,

and even if they had no material, they would still rip a room. And that is state. Absolutely. Right? None of us are fucking capable of it. So writing with him was amazing, but also very frustrating because he'd be like, so Denna, what material you got? And I'm like, right, so I want to do a bit about the female noises that they make in tennis. So the setup is, you know the noises that women make during tennis? He's like, what about all the noises women make? And I'm like, state, stop adding. Yeah.

to the fucking set up but he would just make you explore every avenue and he wants to add he's good it works for him it doesn't always work for you where he finds funny every line he wants to find funny in it so like well like so I was watching Wimbledon and there was these two female tennis players and he'll go whoa whoa whoa why can't one of them be black

Yeah, one of them. And he's like, no, no, no, because there's got to be something else there. He's like, she was black. And he's like, throw in another descriptor. And he's so good at that. And you go, that's fine for you. Yeah. I can't go on. It was these two black tennis players. Guess which two. They were female. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Put it this way, they shared a womb. There was, I also remember like,

Because Stade, obviously, man, he loved writing with me. And I think it's because I would help him fucking condense stuff. But also, man, trying to get him to stay away from a dangerous, or not stay away from a dangerous topic, but just not tromp through that minefield with a blindfold and clogs on. He's like, Dano, I want to do a bit about trannies in the army. Yeah.

and I was like okay first of all Tom we can't call them trannies he's like no no it's okay I'm on their side I'm like if you're on their side you don't call them trannies I don't know how true this is but someone told me he got like a bit of a telling off by a club because he kept saying faggot and he went his reply to the person who pulled him up was like no man I can say it I got a cousin who has it laughing laughing

He's the best. I don't know if he ever did it on stage. I mean, he must have done because he's fucking fearless. But he's all about trannies in the army. He's like, I don't understand why America's army is banning trannies. Right? That's who I want on the front line. Who do you want? A man cowering in a bunker, scared of all the gunfire. He's 17 years old. He's not even had a drink yet. Or a dude who ripped his dick off. Yeah.

That's a brave woman. Do you want a guy who's worried that his dick might get blown off or a guy that tore his off himself? I remember just being like, I'm stinking your chest. Yeah. We can get through this if you just stop using the word trannies. What else am I meant to call them? Just their names. Yeah. I remember I was hoping for him at a gig and he was like, when you're done opening for me, man, I need you to do me a favor. Go,

go back to the hotel, my buddy Ian's going to be there, pick him up. He's going to come party with us after the show. I was like, yeah, no worries. I was so new to comedy. I had like a beat to shit, like Corsa or something. And so I opened and then jumped in the car. He,

He refused... He went over the plan with me like three times. He's going to be here, man. Just pick him up, bring him back, part of it. Not once did he think to tell me in advance that the guy was the drummer for Kasabian. I picked him up and I was like...

the conversations that unfold and I was like so what do you do man he's like I play the drums I'm like cool like full time he's like brilliant I was like that's information I need because I like Kasabian but what if Kasabian had come on and I'd be like I'll fucking skip this shit like I need to know that before I pick up the drummer by the way the guy's fucking sound really cool guy but yeah he's just like I love the way he's like that's just a thing that he does except with the drummer from Kasabian

If you've, if nobody knows who Stade is for the international listeners, go watch his set on Michael McIntyre's Comedy Roadshow because it's widely regarded as the meat van routine. It's so good. It's just one of the greatest routines ever. It's so good. And yeah, he's, well, how did we get on to Stade there?

Oh, I forgot what we were talking about. I feel like we went straight from John Smeaton to Dom's Day. Yeah, just fucking psychos. Oh, your musical taste. That's what I was saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that was Robbie Williams. Robbie Williams was playing Murrayfield. I said to my wife, should we go see Robbie Williams? We could go see Robbie Williams. And by the way, I've been to maybe five concerts in my life.

At the end of the story, I'd love to know what those are. Oh, I can tell you. I'll go from like best and most respectable to the absolute worst, right? So I say concerts. Like I've seen Future Islands. Right. Best of all. And fucking Glastonbury. Mm-hmm.

I've seen in fact even then I've actually I guess I can't count those concerts so I saw Snoop Dogg Elton John and Fatboy Slim all at the festival those are great yeah yeah real good those are great picks didn't go out of the way to see them but like they were at the festival went along the only concert I've ever like paid money and gone to see myself is Nickelback and I went with my mum I went to Nickelback

Oh, I was 15, which doesn't make it any fucking better. Do you know what? I don't mind Nickelback. I think they get overly hated. I tell you who I would pay through the fucking nose to see live. Creed. Oh, mate. So I started playing, like, I've always been kind of aware of Creed, like, before the Creed renaissance that we're having now.

But I've always been, and I've always kind of done the voice like to annoy my fiance. I've always just gone around there as me like, when I'm bad, when you are with me, I've always fucked about that. Can you take me out?

Have you seen the half time The football half time performance of that? No We need to play the clip It's phenomenal It's the most creed thing you'll ever see There's a guy like on wires Just flying around the stadium But I started putting like

higher and one last breath and stuff on ironically and like singing it at my fiance and now I just like Creed I've had it on so much I'm like they're fucking great I got into Creed because back when WWE was WWF and the attitude around 1999 because so many kids were just breaking each other's back by doing the walls of Jericho on each other like they had to do like a bunch of don't try this at home

Like, clips and the background music for it was my sacrifice. And I was like, this is fucking banging. Yeah. Do you know what Nickelback and Creed and all that are? They are the tribal tattoo of music. Yes. That is what they are. But there's sometimes that's fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're the tribal tattoo of music in that they're only for white people. Yeah, they're the Oakley wraparound sunglasses of the audio world. Yeah, it's just...

You know I didn't know they were a Christian band until I was 23. So is it. Same with the Killers as well. It's all Christian shit. Come back to me.

That grungy era of music, no one was saying a fucking cohesive sentence. You ever listen to, you listen to much Pearl Jam? I couldn't name a single one of their songs. It's literally just, but it's the same thing. See, it's all just like, we're all so, we're all so.

I mean, I, you know, we love Tom Steele because Tom Steele's got this fucking, well, not only that he's good, but he's got this like really weird like voice that's so distinctive of him and it does make his comedy infinitely better. Like there's a few comedians like that where it's like your voice is what makes it extra funny. I don't mind that in music. I don't know.

I mean, obviously, my taste in music is so shit, I can't name any of the fucking references of people. I feel like fucking Bruce Springsteen. Yeah, yeah, he's a bit mumbly. Yeah. A wee bit. I love Paolo Nettini. I think he's great, but I will quite often do Paolo Nettini around the house as well. Because it's just, it's a lot of...

Grab my last request and just let me hold you. It's a lot of like... I've got a bunch of my cut sales. I've got so much more. I mean, that's sport. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a lot of just rolling your shoulders. Why are you not successful outside of Scotland, Polo? Because he looks like he should be playing the spins. LAUGHTER

Good old fashioned Knees up But I've seen Ballad of Jeannie Live At fucking At Hydro Connect Festival Which doesn't exist anymore Thankfully Yeah No They're all gone Yeah People are like Bring back Tea in the Pack Don't Don't Bring back Rock Ness Yeah Rock Ness was good Aye That was the first place No Tea in the Pack Hate but

Like Scotland is, we're on the up. Don't bring it back. But I didn't, I didn't mind taking the bike. I never went, but like it was guaranteed between five and 20 deaths every year from drug overdoses. And I'm fine with that. But do you think how many people

how many unwanted children were made that weekend it's way more than we lost we gained more than we lost at a tea in the park so obviously on the topic of just like fucking drug overdoses

I, like, X has become fucking shit. Like, Twitter's become a fucking cesspit. Like, Facebook's like, we're no longer going to fucking fact check things, right? So now all of the fucking racists and bigots have gone to Instagram and it's now just become shit.

My algorithm is, it'll be like a really nice video of a couple saying something. I'm like, why is this my algorithm? And then I open the comments and it's just the meanest comments in the world. And because I read all of them and laugh my ass off, my algorithm is just online bullying. And I love it. The one that killed me so much the other day

there's a fair play of this guy like losing his nose because he's just done so much fucking gear right look at this guy right I've seen it I've seen it right and

I'll send you it. I've seen this guy as well. Do you want to know what the number one comment was? So this guy lost his fucking nose to cocaine pretty much. He's talking very proudly about the fact that he's got 100 days off the fucking cure. Number one comment. Have you ever questioned the fact that the drug's not for you because you're a massive lightweight? LAUGHTER

- The guy's cooked his nose off. - It's so funny. I genuinely think the reason that racism and homophobia and all of this hate is coming back is because people started policing

the cod lobbies and the halo lobbies like this was when online gaming started all it was was verbal abuse the second you got in there it was just saying the most horrific thing i've said this before when i was 13 years old if i was in a lobby with americans all i would do is say i'm glad 9-11 happened yeah i'm so i was the funniest thing in the world yeah and they would just lose their minds they would say i had the n-word so many fucking times yeah and then i got and then it filtered out to the

rest of the world yeah because you know those uh rage rooms that like middle-aged white women will go in and push a vase over because their husband's cheating on them right um you i think there should be like a like racist rooms or even like smoking non-smoking section sir would you like a racist section of the bar absolutely which is just like in scotland it's just the pub

Yeah. Anywhere in the leaf. Because there needs to be a place for it. Do you like how they did it in Germany where they have like needle park? Yeah. There's designated safe zones you can go and shoot up heroin. Yeah.

where you can get clean needles, there's medical supervision. That needs to happen because everyone's got something in them. Everyone's got a bit of racism or hate or something. You can go into a rage room and it's just like, instead of, you know, they have the mannequins that you can hit with hammers and that. Just like a black one.

Chinese, whatever's happened to you that day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever you've decided to take out. And it would obviously just be called a race room. A fat one. Yeah. Like, and white people as well. White people can go in. Might as well be, might as well be. A mannequin with a hood on, pointy hood. Might as well be a room filled with just fucking pensioners. I would love, I would love nothing more than to scream in every pensioner's face. Why haven't you fucking died yet? Yeah.

Stop walking around Marks and Spencer's and going to the fucking cafe. This isn't a life. This isn't a fucking life. Every fucking lunchtime, going to get breaded fucking haddock with your three remaining friends in the Marks. Just fucking die, man. And your Honda Jazz that has a dent on every panel. Yeah.

And for some reason that you just because you've lived that long, you get to park right outside of it. You're so old that your age is a disability now. Yeah. Oh, I never realised that. Is that? Yeah, I guess. Because my number one complaint as a fucking parent is the fact that Edinburgh Council seems to think there's way more...

disabled people than people with children there are like five kids parking spaces and 95 000 disabled and i understand not every yeah disability is visible but every fucking kid is but if if you're getting a parking space it should be visible i think yeah yeah what you need to park there because you got ibs you need to be close to the toilet fucking grow up like

I want an old school... I want a limp. I want a chair. I want you to open the door and just pour out onto the concrete. Also, if you're in a wheelchair, get to the fucking back of the car park. Would your legs hurt? What are you fucking talking about? Some of us have got to worry about cramps. Oh, fuck, yeah. I didn't... And I...

Morally, I will never park in a disabled space. I'll absolutely park in a parent and child space. I have on several occasions grogged, as in like, I've grogged on the door handles of people who park.

in kids parking space and I'll check when I'm when I'm parking in kids parking space I will walk down all the cars and I'll check in there for baby seats and toddler seats and if it's not there your fucking hand is getting crogged on Daniel Sloss spotted checking cars for child seats yep it's

terrible PR man there was one time I mean I was taking Caelan into a fucking pet store just to amuse him for a bit and this guy swung in in front of us and just this fucking 35 year old guy got out lit a cigarette didn't get a kid out and I went so I put didn't get Caelan out of the car right at park 10 I went away there two minutes

and just fucking hoip the biggest lady right on the fucking handle and I'm like that's what you fucking care about I wish I'd been there when he'd come back and be like oh no bird shit on it or something nope oh no there was blood in it what's like what's like the furthest moral thing like that that you'll

Where does your thing end? So you won't park in a parent and child if you don't have child with you. I won't like choose that space. But if it's rammed and there's loads free, I will nip in. But like, you know that thing, that moral dilemma where they're like, oh, it tells you a lot about a person if they take the trolley back. I do always take the trolley back. Always. And not just if there's a pound in it. Trollies always go back.

I'll check around before... I'll have a look before using a disabled toilet. Oh, mate. I had that first recently. I was just...

in Glasgow and I was in a bunch of press for the Glasgow Comedy Festival and then I had like a STJ one. I wouldn't do that but if it's a quick piss I'm like if I can't see a disabled person right now I've got 30 seconds to piss. No I will only shit in a disabled toilet because you get a piss anywhere but it's it's own room. Yeah. Like you're how am I not supposed to shit in there? I hate how like

That's one of the arguments about the trans stuff that annoys me most. Same-sex bathrooms, unisex bathrooms. You realise this is good for all of us. That's just going to be individual bathrooms.

Like, why as a man are you like, no, I want to shit with just a piece of fucking styrofoam between me and a stranger. Yeah. And in a room of the gender that exclusively have the worst shits in the world. I'm not proud of this. I was in a Wetherspoons, I had about three hours to kill before I had to go and do this like STV thing. So I couldn't, I didn't have enough time to leave Glasgow and come home.

I didn't want to sit in a cafe because three hours in a cafe I feel is a piss take. Yeah. Like a small little independent, I'm not going to sit there for three hours with maybe two coffees, use the guy's electricity. Yeah. Spoons is kind of perfect for that.

You can sit there. And also the guy who owns spoons is a fucking cunt. Exactly. I don't feel bad wasting his space and it's quiet. So I sat and then just got the rumble because it's 1.29 for free refills of coffee. So I had about five coffees and immediately almost shat myself. So then I was like, I have to shit. And it was so quiet, the pub. Like there was seven other people in this 400 seat Wetherspoons. I went round and I went, oh, the disabled toilet's empty. Yeah.

I'm just gonna go for that and any shit you have to do in a weather spoons toilet is gonna be one of the worst Shits your life. Otherwise, you would have held it to home You know, you never shit and I weather spoons and go. Oh that was a that was no baller. It was a ghosty or whatever It's always gonna be a fucking explosive nightmare you're gonna have to like you want compensation when you leave and I open the door and I fucking women with like a

disabled kid in a chair was waiting and I just I knew what they were walking into so you did the voice annoying thank you it's the first time ever not every disability is visible but most of them are fucking audible yeah yeah you'll be able to smell this one no not every disability is visible but this one's left streaks

That's the first time I think I've ever come out of a disabled toilet and had somebody wait and do that awful thing that people kind of talk about.

talk about yeah and i just felt awful i felt i literally just got my stuff and left here's my here's one of my moral uh lines is i think obviously i'm against fucking stealing but if it takes me too long to get served i'm walking out there with the stuff i fucking hate that and my new one now that's prompted me to start doing a bit more shoplifting is uh

Sainsbury's and Tesco and that the self-checkout 100% not only are they making me do the self-checkout but now there's a barrier that won't let you out unless you scan your receipt yeah so like oh do it but also we don't trust you so listen I know some people there's a revolution and it's slow but what all I'll say is six months I haven't paid for a carrier bag yeah

That's 30p at a time I'm calling back. Yeah. I just refuse. I'm like, fuck it, I hate that...

Not like you've forced me into doing a job that I didn't ask for. Oh, and also, you as a massive corporation are saving money by automating all of this. You've not updated the system in 20 years, even though as long as I've been a comedian, people have been complaining about how bad self-service checkout machines are and the fact that the wait is all up. 100% you're allowed to shoplift from Sainsbury's, Tesco, Asda, anywhere that does it. Same with that Amazon one where no one works there.

and you it just scans what you the weight the weight no it's like yeah i think everyone's got a code on it if you can find a way to steal from one of those amazon shops please do it yeah if you couldn't bother fucking putting a staff member there to stop me doing this yeah i i'm gonna do it the uh i'm showing my i'm showing my wealth here uh march and spencer self-service checkout there's no there's no way

It wasn't wet. They just trashed it. I've used them a bit. You just go in and they're like, yeah, just put it all down there. There's no, oh, that's not, that doesn't feel like the weight of a melon. I'm not sure. Because it's not, that's like, M&S is too white collar. Like, I'd expect to see a guy like committing fraud. All of this money they're losing is at the

currency exchange yeah it's the tax there's a guy running a white collar scam there no one's nicking yeah from M&S which is funny to me I always sound that funny I used to in lockdown I did a delivery job I did a delivery for Iceland great fucking how the other half live and then

I've got mad respect for people like you and especially fucking Gareth Waugh there were two types of fucking comedians during the thing one half went you know what I was working class before this I'm working class fucking now my job's gone I'm gonna get another job Gareth went to work in Sainsbury's stacking shelves you went delivering and then the other half were like you can buy me a coffee oh my god oh don't even get me fucking started on that of like

I lied on my last three years tax return so I didn't get enough money from the government now and you're like well fucking go and get a job you easy cunt and also I loved that that delivery job was great because the only people that were allowed to drive in the first phase of lockdown were key workers yeah it was like

Driving in the fucking 50s. No one was on the road. You've got an open bottle. Yeah. Nobody on the roads. It was amazing. But they always baffled me. They're like, oh, the vans are getting robbed a lot, guys. So please just make sure. And I'm like, it's the same amount of jail time to rob an M&S van as an Iceland van. And that's why these poors will never get out of their situation. Because it's that small mindedness.

Of choosing to rob an Iceland van when you could just steal something better. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's fucking... Let's go and rob Lidl. You're like, man, Lidl is... Dream big, man. ...the saviour of many a family. You go to jail for as long stealing from Waitrose as you do fucking Lidl. Aye, dream big. It's a bit of class. Yeah, but do you reckon you get fucking bullied? Like, if you...

like if your friends come around you got a fucking bunch of Waitrose bags there and you're working class they're like fucking all right yeah no honestly lads I stole it I'm not buying stuff from Waitrose better nobody um yeah no I'll never I don't understand the thing of like I mean I am lazy but I still rather than having no money I'll always just go and work like I'll do something yeah I mean I've yeah

I don't know if I would I would never go back to it but I would kill myself oh I couldn't go back now because I'm just I'm so unqualified I'm so unlikable I couldn't be in a front facing job I couldn't work in an office like the like level of self control

control that people who work in office jobs with like people above them and people above you who you know are no smarter than you they've just been there longer or they're there because they're a fucking bloke when you're able to just bite your fucking tongue more power to you yeah because the thing that I don't have anymore and I know you definitely don't have anymore is the thing that you need to thrive in retail is you need to be able to pretend that these people's tiny insignificant problems are massive and

And I've lost that ability. Like if someone came in and went, I ordered this and it was supposed to be delivered yesterday and it still hasn't arrived. I'd be like, well, fucking go and drown yourself in the bath. If it's that difficult, if it's affecting you that much, imagine what's going to happen when one of your kids dies or something. Yeah.

which is going to happen unless you get out of my fucking sight if you're crying in fucking Sainsbury's because your carrots were missing from your delivery imagine what it's going to be like when you get cancer you're not going to be able to handle this the world is a big scary place and your stupid little fucking problems mean nothing to the rest of us

And I don't think that's what a manager wants to hear from their staff. I also, like, I will, even if I've got the worst service in the world, I'll never take it out on the person that's responsible for it. I will steal from that shop. I will just be like, if there's a queue 15 people deep,

And I know there's four members of staff backstage and there's only one out here. I'm like, well, this is all free then. I can tell you the last time I snapped at a staff member though. Oh yeah. And it never happens. But Schiphol airport. Oh, one of the worst. Yeah, it is one of the worst. And also they're like, you want the best airport in the whole of Europe? Yeah, but we've designed it like a fucking moron. And it's stupidly designed and there's nowhere to get a decent bite of food in the fucking place. So...

I'm changing flights and running to get on this flight back home from wherever. And I was so hungry. And I had like 45 minutes. And all there really was was a McDonald's. So I ran up to the McDonald's, which is upstairs in Schiphol Airport. And the guy in front of me made an order for literally his entire family. Yeah. Like his whole family. There was like 14 of them. And then I just went...

uh this was before the touch screen so it was still you still had to go up and i mean i'd literally i'm not going to say i mean can i let you i just want what's ready and the guy looked at the little rack and went oh like i've got quarter pounder i mean can i have a quarter pounder and just give me a bottle of orange juice please and the guy went yeah no problem and then he like put it in the till and my order came up on the screen

and after the family and i get that's where i was i mean i'm really sorry mate but can i just grab that since it's ready and that's not really like how it worked like i just need to go in order of when it's ready i went that's fine mate but in this conversation you've walked past both of the things that i'm trying to buy twice could you just move them from here to here and the guy was like oh it's not really and in the middle of me trying to have an argument the guy with the fucking floor

it's cleaner, kept zigzagging. So I had to keep getting further away and be like, mate, I just, and then eventually I was like, do you know what, you stupid Dutch cunt, just keep the burger. That's a great way to just get someone else to just slowly corral them out. That was about the last time, but to be fair, I was trying to catch a flight. Yeah, I think...

a lot of the time like the people who are the front of the business don't deserve the verbal abuse that they get like if you're if you're yelling at the fucking train conductor because a bunch of trains were late and you've missed your thing you're yelling at the wrong guy there does not exist a

member of staff at Terminal 5 Heathrow Security who does not deserve to have their fucking face screened. Like, just these people just so unaware every day that they work in an airport and that people have flights to catch. And not only...

"Well, why didn't you arrive earlier?" "I'm on a fucking transfer, you piece of fucking shit." You're making me go through security again as if I bought a bomb on the fucking plane, which is your fault for selling by the fucking way. And then you go out there and they're like, "What's the rush?" I'm like, "Oh, I don't know. "Just the fact that all of this is timed to a fucking..." We're understaffed today. How could you possibly understaff a place when you know to a man how many people are coming through? - You had to build this terminal

Because the other four were so busy. So why did you open this and go, fuck, it's busy? Oh, we had no idea this would be busy. It's the only place I would love to see a good old-fashioned somebody with a fucking whip, right? Because the security in terms of, they should not be allowed to talk to each other at any fucking point. And all they do is fucking sit there, gabbing on, like, your thing's going through the whole...

isn't going through because the one guy here has seen the size of the queue and gone I should take my break now yeah and then he'll go away and someone will be like is that unmanned yeah I'm not qualified to press this by the way that is also the one place I'm a huge advocate for

for racial segregation. And let me explain this. No, no, that's the end of the podcast. I think, and I think this is better for every race. There should be security lines by race because I know that the black guy at security...

wants to fuck with me he wants to be as slow as possible because i'm gonna fuck with this little white boy because he's getting all agitated i can tell he's like and i know he has no sympathy for me i think there should be like a white cue a black cue a high risk cue

The extra thorough cue, yeah, yeah, yeah. But also, like, brown people, there should be a brown cue because then it's a brown person and you're not getting that, like, randomly selected bullshit that you guys have to deal with as well. I think that would make the airport a...

There was, speaking of like the black guys fucking with the white guys, I remember somewhere in an American airport, it was exactly the same. I was wanting to get to my flight. I was fucking running through it. I was clearly fucking sweating. I go through the scanner and the guy goes, lift up the bottom of your shoe. So I lift up my shoe like that. And he goes, okay, lift up the bottom of the other shoe. And I went like that. He went, grab your ankle. And I grabbed my ankle and he went, just go for it.

And it fucking killed me. I was like, all right. That's good shit. Imagine you do that with a guy that has a bomb strapped to him. That's where the trigger is, motherfucker. Boom!

- Airport people, people that work in the airport, they know, 'cause again, you fly way more than me, but I still fly way more than normal people. And they know that for an average person, that's one of the most stressful days of your life, is the airport day. Because everybody gets so fucking highly strung about it. And it's different, 'cause if you miss a train,

it's not 800 quid to get on the next train and stuff. So people get really anxious about that and I swear they fucking eat that shit up. They do. They're bastards for it. I remember once in...

like it was, I'm not, it was an hour and a half to get through security, right? Because they were just so under fucking staffed. We get through and this horrible bitch of a woman, this horrible cunt, and she's a woman and she's a cunt, that is the word, went through my son's entire toy trolley. Like we're a family, it was me, my in-laws, my child and my wife, and she went through every single fucking toy trolley

like, like, and then at the end had the fucking gall to smile at me. Yeah. What was it like going on tour with Kai, dude? Because he, I feel like I'm either really, I'm not stressing airports now because normally I'm stoned in an airport so I can just fucking. I mean, it's also, it's different for you because like,

you've got other people that their livelihoods depend on you getting to the place on time. Yeah. So it's not even that you've missed the gig. It's that, oh, fuck, these promoters are going to be angry, the venue, all that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

so fun and there's no refunds by the way guys why would i refund you i missed a flight this is costing me man take it up to five of course of course all of the fans all of that and so like i can understand why like it's a fucking stressful thing if you think you're gonna miss a flight or something kai was quite yeah easy easy person to travel with i really i really wanted this to just be a podcast where we bitch about touring with kai

Right, what are your touring gripes with Kai? Because you've done it way, way more than I have. Kai will announce to the world that he's hungry as opposed to solving that problem himself.

Yeah, now that you say that, I guess, yeah, he does like to... I feel like, I could go for some food. I'm like, all right, man, you've got a wallet. What are you doing? Why are we having this conversation? Yeah, see, because you love to be alone in the airport, right? 100%. Yeah, you don't want any small talk. Nah. Nah. No, man, I'm stoned and I'm like, I don't want... And also, like, Kai's really, Kai's great at turn with because when you want to fucking vent, Kai's like a dog.

right? Where you're just like, I fucking hate that person. He's like, I fucking hate that person too, let's fuck it. That's what he's superb at. And there's, but on the other side, when that happens to him, I'm like, why are you bringing your negative vibes over here, man? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just chill. This is a completely one-sided relationship. He is, he's good. Book does the wrong thing.

On the first night he booked us a taxi in the wrong direction. His sense of direction is horrific. To be fair, mine is also shit. Oh, yeah. I get it from my mum. My mum, once we were on holiday and my mum went to this wee shop, which was 100 yards up the road from where we were staying. And my cousin found her on the beach and

Which was like... Like Jay Slater. Which was like... Just fucking watering. Which was like a mile past the opening for where we were staying. So she just kept walking and they just happened... Thank fuck they were on the beach. They were on the holiday with us. And they just... My mum like turned up to the beach with a spa bag. Like...

And they're like, where are you going, Gina? And she was like, I'm trying to get back to where we were staying. It's fucking way up the road. You walked past it ages ago. Also, how did you walk here for two minutes and then walk in one direction for 20? Which downhill? How did you think downhill was taking you longer? God bless her. She's amazing. I remember one time when I was younger as well, she drove to work and then came in at night. And it was like a 10 minute drive. And she came in and she went...

Oh, that's horrible. Chucking it down tonight. My dad went, where's the car? And she went, what are you talking about? And she went, I walked home from work. She drove to work and then just left work and walked home. God, boy, I love her, but she's fucking, yeah, she's, she's wired to the moon. But,

But I get it from her. I'm not as bad as her, but my mum could spend four hours in a multi-story car park. Yeah. Oh, easy. Yeah. Easy. And she'd freak the fuck out. She'd be like, the car's been stolen. She'd like get on the wrong. Yeah. I'm good at remembering. Kai is good at, he knows his memory problems now. Like he's not above taking a picture of where he's parked the car, giving himself a look. Oh yeah, I've done a few of them, like.

And I'm like, good man. Like I complained about a problem so much that you went, I'm going to fix this myself. Yeah. I did a horrible corporate gig once at the Oranmore in Glasgow. Yeah. It was like a black tie thing. Anytime I made this stupid joke once and anytime I say black tie event, I always think of Tiger Woods. It's the only black tie person I can think of. Yeah.

I made myself laugh there. But it was like this, and I kind of died, but I just scraped through it. And I forgot, if you know where the Oranmore is in Glasgow, but it's like a labyrinth of streets around there and they all look the same. It's like a grid system and I couldn't even remember where I parked my car. So it was pissing down as well. I had to just walk around

bit of Glasgow for 45 minutes in a tux and then all the gig ended all the people were leaving and I walked past a big group of them and they were like it's been an hour since I was on stage and I'm just walking past them in the street and they're like oh you're the comedian why the fuck are you just roaming the streets around the venue you fucking psycho are you waiting to rape one of them

How many... Because I listened to the podcast you did on tour. I know the one where he lost his fucking glasses because they were in his trouser pocket. Yeah. How many things did he lose? No, sorry. Let me rephrase this. How many things did he tell you he lost before he spent two minutes looking for them? Yeah, he does do that a bit, to be fair. He's a lot of...

He does it to wind me up now and I'm very worried. He pats himself a lot. Yeah, yeah. You'll notice. No, no. He pats him. He makes sure that he pats himself in your periphery. If you're reading a fucking book and he realises he's lost his wallet over there, he'll walk in, he'll walk right there and go, and just so he doesn't have to ask, he'll be like, oh,

And I'm just like, oh, I'm not buying my fucking... She's like, oh... Do you fancy... Oh, Dad, I'd love to get you a drink, but the... I'm all right for a drink, man.

Yeah he's moving cushions and that Looking under me as if I'm not himself No you don't And to be fair He had all the podcast stuff with him as well In a separate suitcase So he Look I'm not here to compliment Kai Talk about how good he is Taking all the stuff around And how good he is at Fucking setting up the venues Well I'm trying to think of How I can How I can bad mouth him

It was weird Like it was fine Just make up stuff He cheats So much Like well Like I thought Like I just I thought that was kind of Open Yeah He told me that he was in an open relationship Yeah We're in an open relationship But don't you fucking tell that to her Yeah Yeah Yeah He

One thing I will say about Kai, and I say this with love, is he will not even try slightly to soften his Geordie accent when he's talking to staff in a place. 100%. He'll say it the same way seven times and then look at you as if to go, why are they not getting this?

Why is this Czech person not understanding? Sometimes it's his word choice. He's getting better now that he's like, right, I understand. I've got this thick accent. He slows it down on stage so that the audience understand. And then sometimes he's talking to friends or two people we're with.

And I'm like, why on earth did you choose to use the word elocution? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like just say, just say, enunciate. Just say, speak properly. There's a wee bit of that. Did he tell you the story about when we went from Tallinn to Tartu in Estonia and we arrived, we got a lift there by the promoter and we arrived and there was this weird Mexican standoff where this just twat coming down the street just stopped his car and

And he was waiting to turn into a car park or something. But he had loads. There's parked cars on our side. He had space to pull in. But rather than pull in and just let us through...

forced us to like reverse all the way down the street and then he came through so we're kind of all everyone in the car was like we're fucking bellends calling this guy every name under the sun and then we go into the hotel that guy is checking in in front of us yeah and we can't get to the check-in desk because he has like four suitcases and they're all spread out so he's in our fucking way again yeah and then we check in this the promoter makes sure that our details are correct he leaves and

and then me and Kai get up and we're both staying on the third floor and the doors open on the third floor and the guy is standing basically his nose against the door waiting to come on he's standing right there and Kai just goes is this what you do is this just what you fucking do you just get in the fucking way of people the guy was like I had no idea we were the same people from the car the same people we were behind them and the door's open to an elevator and just Johnny just went is this just what you fucking do is it

That is one of the things I love so much about Kai is just like the bits where I would never confront someone. He's like, Kai's like, Kai constantly lives in where he's like, I reckon I could beat up 75% of people and that's always worth a toss of the dice for me. Like he will, if somebody's annoying him to the point and he's giving them a, and to be fair, he's patient and he does his meditation and he takes his breath

But when he fucking snaps, I'm like, this is going to be class later. And I'm like, he's like the big dog. And I'm like the tiny little dog yapping behind him. But if he were to leave, I'd be like. I've seen him close a couple of times. One time in Australia, he almost fucking kicked off at a traffic warden guy. Yeah.

But yeah, and a couple of times he wasn't... Nan got too heated in Europe. But yeah, I've seen him...

And I'll be like, hi. It's not worth going to Czech prison. I don't know if it's like a journey thing or maybe Sopit. And Sopit, I know you're listening. I know you won't mind me telling this fucking story. I've heard a lot about Sopit. I love Sopit so fucking much. I think we were in either, I don't know if it was Vegas or it was Benetton, but it was as stagged out. And like we were all in the fucking lift going up.

and like to put this other guy crammed his way in instead of waiting for the lift and so I just went what the fuck are you doing and physically grabbed the guy by the shoulder walked him out and went stay there until the next one and walk back in I'm like man that's the dream the dream is being that hard I love when people don't have that like filter because comedians we all like to go like

Totally unfiltered. I think I say it. We're probably some of the, well, we say like wild shit on stage, but it's very considered. We've like, you do have to go through a process of making sure it works in clubs and like, you're not going to go up and do like the Kramer. I was going to say this. It might land. It's a black room. It might land. Like, well, we do say wild shit, but then you meet these people in real life who like,

say unbelievable stuff that would get you cancelled in comedy in seconds but not even that they've just got that social thing where they just don't care if people are annoyed at them I've got a cousin like that he's so naturally funny he's made me fucking piss myself laughing I remember once we were at like a function like a family do and they the buffet opened and everybody went up to get some buffet food

And there was an older woman with giant sunglasses in front of them. And she was just taking fucking forever. And he just, in front of like 40 people in the queue, he just went, fuck me, can't even get a sausage roll for fucking Anastasia. LAUGHTER

Didn't care. He said it like over her. Great. I was like, I just wish I had that in me sometimes. Like the way Ricky Gervais seems to imagine himself in everything he writes. Oh, you got a thing to plug? I'm going on tour all over UK. I start like in 10 days. I'm going...

The Scottish dates are the big ones. King's Theatre, Glasgow, doing two of them. I see them in Edinburgh, but go to my website, connor-burns.com and then after that I'm doing my Aussie tour in April as well. Oh yeah, I'll see you out there. Yeah, class. Sweet man, thanks for coming on. Thanks for having me. Great laugh.