I've Got Loads of Friends!
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Sloss and Humphries on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats? That's hack! Muggles! Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or might just be cynical. Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia. Have you been since 9-11?

So, obviously, right, we've got the golf simulator. Whenever Cullen and Cullen transfers a podcast, we take Cullen up. We let Cullen have a fucking few balls. He gets bored pretty quickly. And then he gets to sit on my phone for half an hour with me. Cullen play golf. And then he'll occasionally take putts for us or whatever. Yeah, he'll just decide when he wants to be involved. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because me and Cullen are having fun. Now, Cullen is the most unnatural, untalented golfer in the entire fucking world. I've seen him on. Stance of a penguin. Uh-huh. Cack-handed. Yeah, but it seemed to kind of work. Ah.

He had like his own thing going on, but you definitely wouldn't look at his mechanics and try and replicate it. No, and also coaches don't try and fix it. Coaches will be like, right, hold your club the right way, put your legs closer together, do this, and he'll ping off into the woods. And they'll be like, can I just show you what it's like when I hit a cag-handed? And he'll hit it straight 150 yards, which isn't much, but we're shitty, shitty golfers. Straight is more important than distance, right? Yeah.

So we're up there playing. I go, I'm so inconsistent. I go between hitting the ball fucking straight as fuck, exactly the distance I want to just be in gash all the time. Every single time he hits a drive up there, no matter what hole it's on, he's hitting at 150 yards. And he's like, 150 yards with a driver is unforgivable, right? You've got to be hitting. Is that really bad? Yeah. For me, 150 is a nine iron, right? Which is like the lowest of the irons before you get to pitch a wedge, right? Yeah.

Even an amateur golfer, not a straight, is hitting a driver. So he doesn't need a driver then, he's just playing off irons? What? So he shouldn't be using the driver? No, he should not. But every single time he's used the driver, because who gives a shit if it's not on a real golf course, he's hitting 115 in the final hole.

And every time, sorry, every time we're doing a hole that's like, he's got 140 yards left. I'm like, looks like a driver to me. Just kind of like you're fucking trying to hit it for 300. Yeah, just take a little bit off your driver and you'll hit it the fucking distance. And then as a joke on the last hole, it's a par three, 150 yards. And he went, I'm doing it. I'm using the driver and I'm fucking dying. Laugh my ass off. Caleb's laughing. He doesn't know why, but it's funny. Gun takes the driver.

straight on the grave within seven feet oh really you should have got it within a bin lid so that's what you've been doing with your retirement also nerd shit that you're the only person I think would appreciate I heard because I listened to the first half of your last podcast before I got on the flight and didn't have any signal and hadn't downloaded it yeah

i heard you just started stormlight not even that specifics of i even think you'd be more into even though i don't think it was technically your job is it what your text is about with the vr no three player multiplayer vr but you're doing that after this okay because also after this is rush hour yeah i'm hanging here at like half six or something yeah you might want to you might as well hang around for a little bit no no vr spoken about podcast no no way nerdier and less cool i've been testing pool water

Oh, that's my thing. I would do that. I would waltz onto the pool and do like pH tests and all that. How much chlorine is remaining? What do you call it? Like it's combined chlorine. So there's full chlorine and total chlorine. And then you work out how much is not being used. And if it's too much, you have to pump

water in and dilute it otherwise people will get itchy skin yeah so full chlorine is yeah sometimes you do the testing and that's that chlorine's all attached because each molecule of chlorine will attach to a molecule of piss yeah or whatever's in there it'll just attach to it yeah and then neutralize it yeah

But like, sometimes you go, there is not much of that spare. It's like piss is going to seep into your bones. So total chlorine is how much piss soaked chlorine plus fresh chlorine there is. And then if that's too high, you've got to make sure that your UV light is all fucking fixed. And you have like a balanced tank that you fucking put scoops of powdered chlorine into. It's more advanced than that these days.

Less I scoop And I put my thumb In the scoop And I shake in the water You just put it Straight in the pool Which is kind of like We were just putting it In the sink tank That was going to Become pool water anyway Right I feel like a wee Fucking scientist So you've got to get Some of the pool water out And then you've got to

Put the lid on and you've got to test it. You've got to clear it. You've got to make sure it knows what the pool water's like. Then you've got to take a little tab of some shit, right? And put that in, put that in, put it in. And then it tells you. It's like an ultraviolet light or something shoots through it, doesn't it? Yeah, it's like all the alkalinity on this one's down. So I'm sat there yesterday. I've been taught how to do it. I'm wanting to do it myself. I'm learning other things. Not only am I learning how to test it, I'm learning how to fix it myself, right?

And then Cailin's like, can I help? And anytime my son says, can I help? I'm like, 100% man. Like most of the time, kids are just curious. And the reason they're annoying you is because they just want to be involved. Yeah. So you've got him with a test tube mashing up a tablet.

And all the time, there's poison. Is that what you still do? Put like a little bit in the bottom and mash it up in the little bit with the plastic thingy and then top it up? Yep. You had him doing that so he's like a little chemistry kid. Yeah, I made sure I had him cleaning out the things and he's got his wee fucking pipe cleaner. I think I've

never worn goggles when i've done that ever yeah but as soon as you introduce an infant into it you're like should you be wearing goggles because it's a concentrated i don't know like what that tablet is exactly tablets because that's not chlorine no no no so it's not like he's got like condensed chlorine in the thing no he's not uh also he's not he doesn't have the strength to do this because i let i smash the thing and i let him shake it with the lid closed he's mainly just taking pool water out and then hand it to me and i let him play with the syringe to top it up

And then stop from sucking on the chlorine tabs. No. The little pill things. Snagging them like eggies. They're massive as well. They're like the fucking, what's that fake drug? Thingy's a made up drug. How's this gone in my head? Made up drug? It's the TV show where the guy is, but it was the original like allergy undercover sort of thing. Helvetica? No, no, but I know where you're going there. Oh, it's going to do my nutting.

I'm going to have to Google it. You're Googling that? Yeah. So what was the show? Like Brass Eye or something? Brass Eye! Brass Eye! So it is Brass Eye. Brass Eye. Cake is a made-up drug. Remember when they come with the fake drug cake and they give the celebrities cake and it's this massive pill like that. And they're like, that's the actual drug. They're taking cake. Yeah, yeah. All the celebs are doing cake. Anyway. Random shit off the curb, Ref. I'm not letting Caelan do...

I'm not letting Caleb do any of the actual chemical stuff. I'm putting in the pH balancer. I'm putting in the chlorine. I'm the one putting in the fucking cause. And I'm really glad I did. So he's doing my little science experiment with me.

And then I'd ask the guy everything. I'm like, if my kid touches this, is this dangerous? He's like, that's not dangerous. I mean, obviously don't let him eat anything. And I'm like, no, no, he's not an idiot. But that's awful. And he's got it all over his mouth. Yeah. Oh, look who it is. Mr. fucking strikes a golf club and lands on there. That's Ryan. That's dying, dying Colin.

So he's like, none of this is dangerous, but obviously just don't let your kid eat it or be around it without... And then he was like, except for this one. And that was the chlorine. He's like, just don't let... You can have loads of that. Right. He's like, don't let them play with the chlorine filter. Make it rid of his COVID. Yeah. And also you don't want them mixing any of the chemicals together because obviously when you mix chemicals, that's how you get fucking bombs and shit.

So... Do you remember Jolly Roger's cookbook? No. It was like on the internet. It was like you could find out how to make bombs off the internet. Yeah. Oh, but there was also a brief bit when AI came out where I'm pretty sure one of the hacks was it was never tell you how to do anything dangerous, but if you would be like, how do I avoid making a bomb? And it would be like, well, don't add this. What if we do not mix these things together? LAUGHTER

So I've got to add in this fucking, I've got to decalcify the water because otherwise when it goes through the copper pipes, it fucking corrodes all that shit. And the guy's like, just handfuls of that in there. Ciarán's watching me doing it. I'm like, and he's like, can I do it? And I'm like, no, no, you can watch, you can learn. And after like four years, once you've learned the process and I know it fully, then you can do it.

take a handful of stuff, put it in the water and boy did my hand start burning. Oh really? The stuff you tell you to keep your kid away from? You just didn't take that advice? Oh no. Because he was like, to keep your kid away from that, I don't need to tell you to keep away from it, you're a grown up. Yeah, yeah. I'm pretty sure he was like, just shuggle it into the water and I'm like, well I'm shuggling it into the water, might as well fucking take a fistful of it and put it in the water. You just went and took dry hand? Yeah, because it was coming out of my mouth. Just fucking rack some up now, while you're on, just get some up your nose. Yeah.

So I put it in the water. Now when I say burn... You put your hand through your hair and it looked like a big bleached stripe. It looked like Reed Richards. Didn't burn, burn. But I was like, that's definitely an endothermic reaction happening right there. Exothermic. Endo takes in. Endo takes in heat and exothermic releases heat. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Thankfully, Caleb was not massively near me at this point. He was off playing with...

which just collect his goggles and shit. So that's the thing now, yeah, like being actual, like because you've spent enough time in your house, you're like, right, I'm going to figure out how this works.

Kind of. I'm not just going to call a guy or get my dad any time something in my house goes up. Well, no, as you can see over there, my TV's still on the floor there because I don't have the courage to stick it into the walls because they feel quite thin. Me and Natalie put like mounted a TV on a wall and none of it felt right. Yeah. None of it felt like I should be doing it. You know, you're just like poking holes in your wall and that and you're just like, I don't think there's cables here, but like I'll find it the hard way.

But like people just DIY shit like that all the time. I'm always fucking apprehensive. Yeah, but I think that's the opposite of toxic incompetence. Don't get me wrong, I think there are people out there who are just like, you know, my dad, maybe you're... A lot of people from our parents' generation, right? I would even put fucking like... They'd be mortified at the idea of getting someone to do it. Oh, yeah. Like my dad titled his own bathroom without YouTube. Yeah.

Yeah. Went to the library, read up on it. He must have read up on it or just asked a few people and just fucking gave it a go and he said, it's still not finished. Aye. Don't get me wrong, that's a, like, I admire any person that's like that. There was also this brief... Aye. I wish I was handy. Aye. I wish they just taught us how to be handy in school instead of handsy. Aye.

They taught you, how do we answer? They taught you to come and do it. I went to a Catholic school for a bit, didn't I? It's like a monkey saying monkey do kind of thing. When I moved house, all my YouTube fucking algorithm, my shorts were just showing me like people doing DIY. And I watched it the same way that I watch people cook recipes. I'm like, I can do that. I'm never going to. I'm never ever going to do that. But I theoretically could do that. And then I got really into this one chick.

who like her first video was just being like, I wanted to do all this stuff in my house. It was going to cost me too much money to get an expert to do it. And I said to myself, how hard could it be? Men do it. That just made me really laugh. Right. And then every time she cuts the camera, like a boyfriend comes and does it and then she starts the camera again. There we go. But she ended up literally just teaching herself everything. Oh,

the first two months were kind of expensive because you got to make sure that you're buying the right saw. But that saw last you 10 years once you learn all this sort of stuff. And then to be fair, she turned it into a fucking amazing home. And the only thing I thought of the entire time I was watching this video has been like, I must be able to do it. I was like, oh, fine. I'll get a woman in to do it.

Yeah. I'll stop seeing a man in. Natalie is by far the more DIY minded in my marriage. Unless like she keeps getting someone run when I'm not there. Yeah, I don't see... Cara's very, very capable of...

of when she applies herself to something but getting her to she's like me getting her to apply to anything that she's not interested in is not even possible it's mad isn't it how like you can have in your mind just a tab that's open in your mind I'm gonna do this thing and that can turn weeks can turn into months can turn into years and like how long have I been in my house 2021 yeah every time I put the bins out I'm like I've got to get a handle for this gate yeah I've got I fucking close it with a brick man I just put a brick there

Just put a brick there And if it's windy Wedge the brick Yeah Push the gate in Wedge it with a pavement And every single time I date I'm like I bought the stuff I've got the lock I've got the handle That's half the battle Yeah I think out of the gym I'm not using any of the machines Yeah Like you've done the hard bit You've done the bit That was holding you back Yeah yeah yeah It's getting a gym membership And just going Well that's me Halfway there And it's like buddy That's 2% You've still got a date

I cannot tell you how much protein powder is in my house. You know what? That shit, if you leave that too long, like that gives you gas.

Could be gas anyway. Yeah, aye, but if you just go, right, I'm going to get back on the gym, where's me three-year-old protein? Farts are going to be continuous, just a continuous stream. The dream. Aye. The dream. Why not? I'll never stop laughing. Yeah. Just laughing and farting. It's like how I want to spend me latter years, just in a nursing home, rocking back and forwards, laughing and farting on a continuous loop.

People being like He told us not to pull the plug He said he was very happy When he is Doing what he loves Aye The oxygen mask Is connected to his arsehole And that's the bit That's fucked up Because there are sometimes When I Like What I've really gotten into While at home Is getting into like Making

good ramen but like in a easy way because like I kept watching these videos of these amazing fucking japs I don't know you can't call them japs but they're always played out though aren't they they're wee noodles played out their noodles

People can tell me the word Japs is racist, but I didn't, sorry, I've been in World War II, so I'm not using it in a racist way. It's just shorter than the word Japanese, which is like also, if we're not saying Jappy's hour, if we put an I at the end, but then again saying Pax would still be weird. In Chinese you're getting close. Chins. Chins. A couple of chines. Got more chins. That was a fat insult, wasn't it, where the Chinese got caught in the crossfire. Yeah, more chins than the Chinese. Which is a very good joke, by the way, like if you can get past...

If you can get past what it is. Like some of them, some of them jokes were class. All right. So watching all these videos of these amazing jabs, like, and just making noodle, making, making look noodles so easy. Like they make the stuff, they fold it once, they fold it twice, they fold it four times, they fold it eight times and they've gone from one noodle to,

1,216 fucking noodles. Like throw it in there. Oh, so you're making noodles? No. So those are all the videos I'm watching when I'm like, fucking, I'm never making noodles, right? That's where I like draw the line with cooking. Like you've got ingredients, which will be bread or pasta. And then you've got people who make their ingredients. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They'll be like, let's get off the making the ingredients bit. Yeah. So same thing with fucking gyozas. I love a gyoza. I'm not putting fucking mince through a thing with other shit and then learning fucking...

origami together with the chips. I think if you're doing that, because everything would take so long for you to have such like a quick mouth pleasure, you know, like the amount of time you've got to put in to cook the thing to then eat the thing. It's like such a fucking big slice of the pie chart is the preparation. I think for you to be doing that level of shit, you've got to really enjoy it. Yeah. I think the knitting, the mindfulness, the like doing the, like you're treating cooking like crafts. Yes. Aye. It's got to be a passion and it's not for me. I just love ramen. Mm-hmm.

So after I get down that little fucking rabbit hole on a jab YouTube, end up getting to the real jabs, right? The jabs that don't make their own noodles. And they're like, here's how most of us actually make our own ramen when we're at home and we want ramen. They get the ramen packs that you get in the shops, right? That's what you do.

is you take the sachet that they've got, you put that in, you get a little bit of Japanese mayo, Kewpie mayo, which is like a fucking more miso-y based thing. You put that in, egg yolk in that, a couple bits of seasoning, all of it's your go-to at home. You fucking whip that up. Meanwhile, frozen gyoza, they're like, by the way, none of us care. We all use frozen gyoza. Just use frozen gyoza. You just kept going until the algorithm went, he wants ready meals. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He wants ready meals, let's just show him ready meals and now he thinks he's Japanese. But it's all, it's,

it's all about all the stuff you add and it's about how long you put the fucking noodles in and it's about when you put the other stuff in and oh my god I make a really good gyoza ramen now and it takes like 15 minutes which is the dream right but it like

It feels real. It feels good. Obviously, it's nowhere near as good as the rest was. But that could possibly be how they're doing it in some of the places you go to. No, no, no. But it's how I believe, like, fucking Japanese people that are cooking at home, like, their comfort food, right? And I believe the Japanese comfort food. So you've just found a good middle ground of how to have a house ramen? Yeah. Who's ramen? Yeah, yeah. It makes me so gassy. Oh, yeah. So gassy. Like, to... Now, here's the thing. Gaseous clay. That's what they call you. Yep. Yep.

I do love the smell of my own farts, right? I think farts smell like soup. What? Your own farts smell like soup. Because, like, when you smell your own fart, it just smells like soup. When you smell someone else's, it stinks. I've never done a fart that smelled like soup. You know what you've been eating? LAUGHTER

Your soup? I reckon farts smell like soup. What kind of soup? Like ming and soup if it's someone else's. Like largely soup based. Like vegetables. I get the theory that it smells like soup because it's an amalgamation of different ingredients. I think it probably says more about me mother's cooking. Maybe because me mother's soup smells of farts. I don't think me mother's ever made soup. No? Nah. Me gran was big on making soup. He used to have a bit of a belly from the beers.

I mean, there's my soup. I always claimed it was his soup. Was this your good granddad or your gross granddad? That's where I keep my soup. Obviously, my sound granddad. Gross granddad would be like, I'll spunk. I'll spunk. There's not enough of me balls. Just full of cheese. I'm just such a bloke. Fucking every time I come, I'm like, I'm throwing rope. I guess I watched them like...

like I get fed the you the Facebook fucking come on guy Instagram reels of there there's this guy who like shows you like little like hacks and cleaning in the kitchen you're like take some bicarb put it in a zip fresh bag put in some vinegar put in that and then tie it to the shower head and then you like your time lapses it and you see all the black shit found at the shower head but he'll do it like in a like really nippy video and I'm like oh I'll save that and I'll do that when I get home never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never I got to the horse

Like, you know what happened to me? The shower head will get so black I'll go and need a new shower head. I'll suggest doing that for about five years before getting one. Yeah. Like, I often catch myself like, because me and Cal are on a similar level. We've done well in the fact that we've split up like the house chores, right? But we're both as lax with them. Like,

She'll not bring up the fact that I've not brought the laundry that she does up to the bedrooms for

two weeks now she'll not bring that up because she knows I'll bring up the fact that she's not putting in the fucking dishes I washed away right so and also like most of the time everything's upstairs when the clothes are upstairs we've got to go upstairs to get them we get kids dressed downstairs it's kind of more convenient sometimes for it to be down there also when all the dishes are out there if we don't have guests over we're only washing the same three fucking plates because we need a guest

Sweet guests are coming Both of us just get this who's nice And then we'll have a nice house and go We should live like this That's how we should live Because I fell in love and married someone so close to me In terms of like The occasional squalor That you're just willing to live in I do catch myself thinking I wonder what it would be like

if i actually married someone who was actually like super clean all the time and whether that would like arc me would that make you like would you be like if they were like cleaning up and then not expecting anything from you you would just feel like you had stuff yeah but then but then that would come with guilt yeah so then you'd probably use that guilt to step up

Yeah but then Then I think I'd feel Fucking annoyed About it Like I just want to play PlayStation man Why am I doing this all the time Yeah yeah yeah Why am I doing the garden Yeah and there'd be There'd be stuff where Like if I was with somebody Super clean And they're like Oh have you put bicarbonate In a bag of vinegar And put it on the Fucking shower head I'd be like I'm gonna lose my Fucking mind here Goodbye Next thing you know She's like Bicarbonate Black shit coming Out of my teeth

And then every time I catch myself thinking that thing of feeling, I wonder if what it would be like if I actually married someone who's much cleaner. I wonder how often that thought crosses my wife's mind. I wonder if we're just in separate rooms in the house. Finally doing this. Fantasizing. Watching fucking porn videos with maids in them. That's the old school porn videos start making a comeback. Also,

I should be the cleaner one at this point because she's breastfeeding. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you're her caddy right now. Like, you should be just making her life as smooth as possible. Oh, yeah, but I'm doing that by fucking taking care of a terrorist, man. I've got a fucking almost three-year-old. That is true. You are playing FIFA with Matty on an evening. Okay. Well, because here's the thing with...

Cara's like once and this is this what we used to do She said once the kids are in bed, we'll tell you the house and I'm like, yeah, absolutely and

I love my son he's the fucking tit when he's in bed I need to shut the fuck down I just need to turn off she's like should we clean and I'm like I'm like if we wait if we live two more days in squalor the cleaner turns up like and then I promise oh yeah have you have you considered what your life would be like if you couldn't afford a cleaner or if it wasn't in your budget and you had to actually do work

What a day. Well, I mean, it would have to be. Like, people have it really hard. So here's the thing is, I don't mind cleaning. And I think when our baby girl's older, it'll be better. Like, I can happily clean for two hours because I can just listen to a fucking Critical Role podcast and clean. But the problem is, I can't clean for two hours in a row because I can't lump her with a baby that she's breastfeeding. Uh-huh.

And a three-year-old that's a, almost three-year-old that's running around all the time. Like, I can do that for maybe like half an hour, 45 minutes at a time. Two weeks at a time if you're running. Aye, aye. Just, it's a, it's not bad. When I say squalor, it's not like we used to live before we had kids. But obviously, we now clean way more than we used to because we have children. But because we have children, the house is still at the same level because it's,

They destroy the place. Good thing is though, got a separate, we've got, there's a kid's playroom, which is separate to the fucking living room. Yeah, I see. A living room's not just like all the toys are spilled out of it. You've contained that shit. Yeah, kitchens, kitchens normally fucking clean. There's just,

because i i i feel bad when like well not bad bad but like i feel like i could be at home helping when that you know when i'm away i just like spent three weeks on the road and like natalie's like just making trash is either looking after the dog or the dog's got care and this is just a dog this isn't kids and then like she's got the business as well but like also trying to keep on top of the house and like when i'm home i can just make that really smooth for her like i can just

keep the house nice and like I'm there for Piggy and like just when I go away her life gets harder and there's no kids involved so that must be fucking like mad trying to do a job where you work away with children oh yeah I can't imagine going on tour anytime like soon mind you

When Aayla's older, it'll be different. Cailin will go to playgroup a little bit more. I guess that's it when school acts as a babysitter for a lot of the time. Also, Cara doesn't, she's too proud, she's too working. She doesn't ask for help. No. She won't get like parents around and that. Friends around. I would be the fuck, I'm working classes as a fuck and I'd just be like, yeah, you're coming to mine. I need a hand with this. Right. So Laura's, so Gareth's stag do is in fucking whenever it is, right? Does he know? No.

I think so, but he also doesn't, there's no way he doesn't listen to this. I don't imagine he's listening to this, but like we still don't want to give it away. Whenever it is, I'm going away for three, four days, coming back. Cara, just doing that fucking solo, right? Wouldn't cross her mind to ask for any help, get anyone down. Even though my mum is continuously like, please ask for some help. We'd love to see her grandkids more. Even though her parents, whenever they can get down, are desperate to fucking get down. Cara's like, I can do it myself. I absolutely am.

Cara is going away on Laura's hen do and I phoned her parents and I'm like, you're coming down for the weekend and you're staying until your daughter's back. And Cara's like, you can do it by yourself. I'm like, I probably could. But I'm not embarrassed by asking for help. I don't feel any shame by going. Having two kids versus one is difficult. If I can change this to three versus two, I'm going to do it.

I'm doing that. Why would you have like... I'm not King Leonidas standing in the middle being like, I can fucking take on these unassailable numbers. I'm going to do this alone for the sake of pride. I'm like, get both sets of grandparents over. I can do my Warhammer. I can play some golf. And I babysit you now. Yeah, because it's like, there's people out there, man, that don't have that support structure and would love it. And to have it and not use it. Yeah.

Because as well, I'm kind of going ahead and say, Dave and Eileen, I know your mum and dad, they're not going to feel put out to come and hang out with their grandkids. They would like it way more. Dave and Eileen live up in Aberdeen, so they can't get down as much because they're still working. Obviously, both my parents are working, but the drop of a fucking hat if you gave them a, you know. Give them heads up to February. They'd come down. Long weekend. Oh, yeah. They'd be ahead. That's when you come down.

Hi, so I've been on tour without you. That was weird, wasn't it? I know, that'll teach you. Getting rogue. I had a fucking nice time, but I tell you what I didn't appreciate for you until I'd done this tour. Is how annoying tour supports can be? No, that kind of was grand. That tour, I was like, you're on stage.

I've missed that time. Oh, yeah? That was my time, man. You know, that was like, you've got the flight, you've got the checking into your hotel, you've got the getting to the venue, and then it's when I've done my set and you get on stage, that is when I can just, like, read a book or watch some stuff and there's nothing else on my mind. It's not like I'm fucking thinking about my next thing. I'm just, like, fucking...

Like, there's no CPU usage going on in me here, apart from whatever I'm doing, watching football or watching a film or something. And, like, I missed that time. But then on the flip side, I did appreciate me...

that I would always do the sound check and do the setting up the podcast because I still had to do that as well. So it's not like I got to just get to the venue and sit down and have a sandwich. I had to get to the venue and then try and get the sound check translated, which I'm used to doing. If anyone's going to do that, I'm the one because I've fucking done that for so many years. But I just felt like it's a bit more relentless. Yeah.

when you're doing the main spot. Yeah, I guess I'd never fucking considered the time on stage because, I mean, I do 90 minutes on stage. Aye. You know what? I used to question why you ended up doing 90 minutes. I was like, 90 minutes just feels long. Like, I didn't complain because I wanted a film. It's perfect, like, for time for watching a film backstage. But I just felt like...

Like, how do you not get to an hour and then just feel like, yeah, it's doing too long? And man, just watching me fucking show, just expand and expand and not want to drop anything over the course of this tour. The last one I did there was like an hour and a half. And I was like, all right, I get that now. Because at the Fringe, you've got no choice.

the fucker there's your slot there's somebody on after you like you've got to hit that hour so like you're drilled at the fringe but when you're on tour you're like oh they've come to see me there's no curfew on the building like the fuck and also you're not gonna be fucking back there for like a year or two depending on well I mean you might be back there next year but yeah I think I'm gonna do it next year you know I'm almost certain I'm gonna do it next year because eh

I want to do it every two years, but I need to get out of the sequence of the football tournaments. I need to get on odd numbers. So if I do 2025, that means I can do 27 and so on. Aye. Not worried about the Rugby World Cup? I don't think they're going to have that many...

There you go. Time for a wonder. So I haven't smoked a vape, a cigarette, a schnooze. I haven't smoked a schnooze for sure. In just over six weeks now. Because I stopped a couple, I think I might have mentioned a couple of weeks before the Maldives. Because I didn't want to be smoking on holiday and I also didn't want to be angry on holiday.

So, and then I just managed to keep it going throughout the tour and I've been using the app and I have saved you approximately 300 pound in vapes. It tells us how much I've saved you from putting a vape.

I have got to go back on the fucking... I got down to like the seven milligram patches and then... Oh yeah, you were patching up last time I saw you. And it was going well, but then with all the writing stuff I've been doing, it's been fun. It's not been fucking stressful, but just like sitting down for two fucking hours at a time and writing. I was just like...

Need I just need something so and I fucking back on it. Oh, yeah, I think it was actually I was not saying it's hard like I passed the big challenge of doing the Balkan countries in Turkey where everybody smokes Yeah, not just like the occasional smoker, but just you got into a restaurant You want smoking on smoking and the people that you with say smoking? Yeah, right and then like like everywhere just backstage at the comedy club now that just sparking up and

managed to not even feel the hand on me back pushing as to bum one. I got through that nearby. Also, I think that might be like the longest stretch I've done in the Balkans because we've dipped in and out a handful of times. But like, I was there for quite an extended period of time. Like driving between... Man, I got driven from...

Romania by a Romanian man and dropped off at the Bulgarian border and picked up by a Bulgarian. I think we've done that drive before, but we went right through. But I got like dropped off at the border and picked up by someone else. And I've never felt more like I was role playing being human trafficked. It was like fucking, I'm going to wake up in a bathtub full of ice with fucking abdominal stitches.

Along with the drives. Eddie Willard. That one was quite a big one. It was an hour and a half to get from Bucharest to the border, and then it was about four hours to get to Sofia. But it was one of the guys who...

I'm glad he reminded us because I wouldn't have remembered. Went to that nightclub where Matthew Ellis was there and we were pouring bottles of vodka into our mouth because I found the videos, you know, and you can go on location and zoom in. I found the videos of, we're just like straight shooting like dentist chair and vodka. And I paused the video and zoomed in and there, cause he looks a bit like Aguero. Yeah.

It's just Aguero in the background of the video. They are fucking hell. So that was 2018. That was the night you found out about your Netflix specials. So the guy that come to pick us up, I didn't recognize him straight away, but he reminded me that we're fucking partying hard that night. So that was a bit of a throwback. When did you get married? That was that year. You got married in 2018? Uh-huh.

Also, so I got married in September 2018. Oh no, so it must have been 2017. No, this is where I got it wrong. It wasn't the year you got your Netflix. It was the year after. It was the one where we came back. Because you were at the comedy club the first time. So I got that mixed up completely. Where was I going with that? Romania by the sounds of things. Romania. It was just like...

It's amazing. Like everyone's just fucking so funny. Like, you know, remember, remember Sasha, the tour manager thing, just to, just the way they carry themselves just cracks us up. He was like, he lent us his charger and he was like, Oh, can I get, can I get my charger back now? And I was like, nah. And then he just went, do you think you're stronger than me? Like slapping accent. Just say that. Do you think you're stronger than me? Yeah.

Just like instantly there. Aye, they've had war too nearby in both like region and timeframe to not so be terrified. Oh yeah, he was in it. Like the last episode that isn't out yet, I've just recorded it. We'll be out before this one. The last episode was just me and a Croatian comedian.

Just talking about fucking Sasha's war stories Because it's just like It's just unbelievable Like he's talking about it like it was yesterday Yeah It was 30 years ago So he would have been like In his 20s or something Aye Aye And he was in the war was he? Aye Yeah Who were they fighting? Sabia

But I didn't know that at the time. I feel like I'm repeating myself from two days ago. But when he was telling us the stories of a war, I didn't know what the war was. I knew there was independence things going on with Yugoslavia and the countries broke up and everything. But because he was telling us in such graphic detail about what was happening on the floor, I didn't want to just wield my ignorance at him. Serves with the bad guys, right?

To him, yeah. Yeah. And also to the world, I think, because that's the America I got involved in, because I'm a fucking sucker push, isn't I? Yeah, aye. Aye.

I think they were. Not that anyone's dead sound in war. I'd like to know a bit more about them countries because I have to spend a bit of time there. It's fucking... I reckon it's cool as fuck. I love it. My opening line was always about fucking... It's such a magical place. Everything that meets the eye needs fixing. It's just in disrepair. It's in proper disrepair. So Bulgaria, the fucking...

I don't think we discovered this when we were there but they nod their head for no and they shake their head for yes oh really is it like the Australian it's like the Australian yeah nah nah nah nah yeah but that's that's pretty jarring not like the Indians who just fucking shake their head the whole time they just shake their head means yes sir just happy the whole fucking time yeah

That's a fucking big year we've had. Like, if we're thinking of the wrap on this year, because we started off, remember, we did that tour of Scandinavia and we had the cryo chamber thing with Brank. That was that trip. And then we did India shortly after that. Then we did altitude. Oh, yeah. Before India, we did Greece and Turkey as like new territories. Oh, no, we've done Greece before. Yeah.

all right then altitude and then that big tour of america yeah and then i just come back and just got straight back on the grind again and just top and tail the air with big european tour yeah i've not done i mean not included in dublin and london like the october shows oh yeah they're and they have a word roast yeah yeah

I've not done shit since fucking 20th of May. Still not interested. Everyone's asking after you, like. Are they? Everyone's just wondering if you're going to do another show or like what your plans are and stuff. I think it'll be a while. Depends if like, if the writing stuff takes off, then I think I'll just fill up another my diary that I don't, but I cannot. I've never felt less funny.

Nah. Nah, I've got nothing to say. And also the stuff I do have to say doesn't belong on stage. I'm like, I'm not... Like, I...

i'm not going on stage and being a dad comic i'm just not i'm not doing this myself even also like even like when people are listening to this podcast now it's just so out of touch with the rest of the world that you're like talking about your golf simulator on your house and then you're talking about you're trying to get by until the cleaner gets here yeah yeah yeah just all that stuff is so like it's so not in touch with the people and the people are buying the tickets so you you need to do something to try and reconnect

and get your feet on the ground. Yeah, yeah. Because you're having a nice time, but you're just floating off from the real world. Yeah. In your little bubble. Swimming pool chlorine tests and shit. It's a fucking... I know, but touring doesn't bring you down to earth. Like being picked up from airports and being on tour buses and being away and being angry at airport staff. That's not the fucking real world. The real world is being a parent. And...

And I'm sure I could cast some fucking fresh light on that. But at the moment, I'm just like, right, fucking last really good show I did was X. Last two shows were fine. Right. Next one has to be really good. It can't just be another fucking straight down the middle, bang average show. And,

And because you know, I'm not going to show and I know legacy is not important. I remember watching Mike Tyson before his fucking Jake Paul fight. I feel like legacy is a myth. Legacy is all ego. You would say that you're doing cognitive dissonance because you've thrown yours away. Yeah. I'm like, you are shitting on your legacy. You absolute fucking mental case by going into this boat. Justify it to yourself. Do you know where the term sour grapes comes from?

The fox that couldn't work out how to get the grapes. He couldn't get his cunning, so he just decided he didn't want the grapes because they're sour. No. It's the sour grapes from Mike Tyson. I didn't want the legacy. Them grapes are sour. Aye. My legacy's still a bit important to me, which is silly, but I feel like... Die then! Pfft!

I can't look at you. You didn't sat here and chat to me? Yeah, I can't. Can I end dying and fucking cement your legacy? No, you got it. The kids aren't on the right path yet. That's when you can do it. You know, without me, they'll get issues. They'll need therapy. You see, we're writing a show. Right. I've done 10 shows now. So that's, that's my 10th one. So have I caught up with you yet? Are you at 10? No, I'm fucking. 11? You're two years of career ahead of me and I've only dropped two fringes.

X was my 10th show, that's why it was called X. Right, so you're on 12. Yeah, so next one will be the 13th. So there's two years of career between them. Of them 10 shows, there's only been two that I've done where people have like stood up to clap at the end. And that's the How To Be Happy speech in the Punch Drunk finale.

And when I was writing this show, I was like racking my brains on like, is there a way I can just fucking tie this up in a way that's going to make people fire up their seats? If it's like, you know, if the show's in the fucking perfect environment, obviously you're not trying to get a standard ovation at every gig, but like, could it be capable of a standard ovation? I just couldn't find it like anything in my head to try and end with that bang, with that fucking boom at the end. And I don't know if you can find it.

Does it just come to you, that? It's got to be something that you're fucking, you know, passionate about, right? Dark was, I was trying to get rid of my fucking young fucking comedian image. And I was like, well, I've always wanted to do the dark fucking atheist, angry fucking shit I'm passionate about.

Dark humour. I think everyone who's offended by it is a fucking loser. And also we should all be able to talk about death and disability. You should be able to joke about everything. I was passionate about that. Ended up writing Dark. Jigsaw had a toxic relationship with an horrible evil witch. Got out of it. It was like, nobody else should have to go through this again. And it's way more relatable than you would like there to have been. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People need to get out of fucking horrible, toxic relationships. And I was passionate about...

People who were in shitty relationships acting like they were in a happier place because they were settling for some ugly fucker because they couldn't get anything else. So I wanted to yell at those pieces of shit. Dead. That was a good show. Socio. Eh. Eh. I wouldn't really touch about anything really. I guess there was some... I don't know who chose your show. Yeah. Aye. In the middle. Fun. Aye. Ex. Friend got raped by another mate.

Was passionate about that not being cool. So yeah. There's something to get across. Yeah. Yeah. And also had to reassess my whole fucking attitude. So it was like, okay, well, this is something I'm passionate about. This is something that I've learned about. I can write a fucking dead good show after this, then, you know, dead good.

And then hubris, there was a bit of passion in there. You know, it was just like, my passion was I'm just going to go off the rails here. I'm just going to go be fucking silly and dumb.

What was the... Because the last one, Can't, that was the childbirth show. Yeah. So that was a bit more thematic. But what was Hubris? Was that thematic at all? No. No, that was just bits. Just bits. Yeah. Can't was originally meant to be like how you can't fucking say anything anymore, even though you absolutely fucking can, and only the talentless say that. And then, obviously, Can't I Give Birth to You was fucking dramatic, and that became 45 minutes of the show. So I guess it sort of became...

that and then also i do feel like a lot of my shows just basically because of the fans i've got they want to hear about my life right because obviously not all of them listen to this so they want some sort of update on my life but i can't just do a show about fucking the birth of ayla i've done the birth show right you know i've got i will be passionate about something again there will be something there has every one of your shows been like a one word title

No, early doors, there was teenage kicks in my generation. Oh, yeah. So maybe it's time for a new phase. Maybe you've done your one word show phase and now it's time for the phase of like, take my tuna fish to the grave. Oh, become one of those fucking quirky bags of shit. I thought it was funny when Rod Gilbert did it the first time. What was that? Like the fucking Flaming Battenberg or something like that. The Flaming Battenberg tattoo. It was something. And then there was just like this spawn of just like random collection of words.

Aye Well I thought I had the idea for my next Well at least the idea for the name of the show Was going to be mud M-U-D Because that's like Marijuana usage deficiency Which is like the walk With describing a fucking Stoner Aye Because obviously There's negative connotations with the word stoner So we're going to try and empower people by changing the word It's like well people are just going to call you mud then And Blood Aye So I was like I could talk about diction And

and that can maybe get into that like that's if you start talking about addiction and get that audience that's gonna be that's gonna be a different fucking queue of people waiting to see you like at the end of the show yeah also you're gonna be like the fucking ref cute jogging on the spot waiting to tell you how much you mean to them there's also like I've definitely said this on the podcast before and it's also a fucking joke that would be in the show

And I know this is wrong, right? Because, you know, any type of addiction, whether it's fucking alcohol addiction, gambling addiction, whatever, addiction ruins life. It's a fucking mindset. It's something that happens to you, right? It's something in your brain that goes, this is where I get, you know, something good from. And even though that reduces over time, I just want that feeling regardless to the detriment of fucking everything else. Calling yourself a drug addict is...

when you smoke weed all the time. It's like being racist to the finish. Nobody gives a fuck. It's not... Racism is awful. Racism is really bad. Molly Kells Stinky. Yeah, who gives a fuck? Who gives a fuck if you're racist to the finish, man? I don't even think the finish would care. They're busy building up their army for Russia about to invade. They're busy, right? They got stuff on their mind. They couldn't give a fuck about just like, hey guys, guys,

too much fish in all your meals. They're like, all right, cool, die. If you, marijuana addiction's a fucking, you know, real thing.

you know didn't ruin my life but fucking dragged me down for several years I'm sort of glad I'm past it-ish now in a shop who'd quit and cigarettes exactly man it's just not man it's the equivalent of doing a dead dog show yeah right yeah my gran died my dad died my granddad I was really close to he said my mum died my brother died my fucking sister died

I had snuffles for 12 years. Fuck off, man. You're not getting fucking grief on me for a dead fucking dog. I'm sad. Even though that, that would be like, like, like I can't believe how much I used to take the pussy to Barry when his dog died. I was like, Oh, now we've just got another thing to attach memes to with Barry because he's hard to insult. Yeah. No, just like, Oh, I should have more compassion. Yeah.

But yeah, that's something that you deal with that, mate. It doesn't make like a 45-minute fucking lullabuster. Look, I still love stand-up. There's no way I'm done. There's no way I'm fucking finished, right? I love the feeling of being on stage. I love the feeling of writing fucking jokes. I'm excited about writing new bits and going through that process again. I really fucking enjoy it.

But, you know, there's just this thing where I know the second I start writing fucking jokes, stuff's going to be started putting in the fucking diary. And then the second that ball's rolling, a tour's on the way. Aye. You just want to keep that door locked for a little while. Yeah, just for a little bit. And also, like, I've got this, I've got so many friends now, right? Show off. LAUGHTER

You've been away, right? I've been lonely. You're doing solo podcast, Daniel. I've been watching you. You've got no friends. People can't handle Cullen once a week. We can barely handle Cullen once a week. Started a football podcast with him.

I've got friends from around the world who are like their careers have fucking taken off. Milo's one of them. Got a couple of mates in America whose careers are fucking kicking off. And like a lot of them are coming to me just for like advice because I've obviously had different stages of my career where like things have blown up and they're like, how do you deal with this? How do you deal with this? And I'm like, buddy, I didn't fucking deal with it. Yeah, yeah. That's me. I'm the one that's dealt with it the worst.

I'm like, I used to drink a bottle of whiskey on stage at night. Yeah, yeah, just made booze. Booze is the answer. Tell your fans to bring weed and get a bottle of whiskey backstage. Oh, and a bottle of gin. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just because you run out. Yeah, yeah. And sometimes you would go through both. Yeah. I drank heavily. I toured too much. I fucking destroyed my mental health. I've gone through four fucking therapists. I...

I don't know why you're coming to me. All dead. All killed themselves. In front of me. And that's why I took him to therapy for the next one. I'm like, he did it right in front of me. And they're like, uh-huh. You had to like call the police and then watch it on the Zoom call as the police turned up, the paramedics and everything.

I don't think this is helping. Your version's nicer because in your version, the reason I don't stop them killing themselves is because I'm doing it on a Zoom meeting. That's way nicer than my bit, which is I'm just so caught up in my problems that they're killing themselves in the same room as me. I'm like, oh, well. And you're still talking. And I'm like, I imagine this is going to come up next time. Yeah.

So they keep asking me for all this fucking advice. And I'm like, my advice is I'm like, slow down, slow fucking down. There's a voice in your hands that's telling you that because you've waited so long for this success, there's a voice in your head that's telling you that it's all going to be taken away. Right. That it's all going to fucking disappear if you stop. And that's not fucking true. But what if your advice is unique to you and you were like, right,

Your advice was to somebody who's just had two Netflix specials released, right? It's not going anywhere. It's on fucking Netflix. People are going to be watching that. You can chill out, right? You're giving this advice to people who are like fucking trying to snatch the attention of the internet with like 90 second clips.

Maybe they do need to stay relevant because nobody's just going to stumble across them on Netflix. No, the second touring gets involved, I disagree. Yeah, because people want to see you again. They'll come see you again. They're engaged. If you ever, like what Milo's done, right? If Milo's gone out with a fucking shit show on that tour, right? If he'd done what like fucking YouTubers do when they do stand-up, right?

right yeah oh yeah right they do a shit stand-up show people go and see like oh you've got a return ratio of 30% next year Milo is really fucking good at stand-up so people that come out and not expecting to be that good will really enjoy a show so I'm like I'm like to Milo I'm like take two years off I guarantee you when you go back to these places that audience will still be there because and he's like how would you know you

never taken two years off and i'm like i mean that's a good point yeah but i'm just saying you could i wish i had yeah yeah but so at the moment to myself i'm like i do not believe because i had that fear in my head after netflix i had that fear in my head after x i'm feeling like this will all go away this will all disappear all of the all your dreams have come true and if you stop hitting the iron it's going to go cold and i'm like

Maybe I'm wrong. Also, I think there'd be a little bit of that go, okay, if it does peak here, this is a pretty high peak. And if I go back down to there, that's fine. It's going to be a little bit of a psychological adjustment. But like, if you can go for, like, you know, say if you're like,

Like, British Got Talent does it to everybody. There you go, and you can fill fucking big theatres now with 2,000 people. And then, like, that dies due because the public are fickle and now you're playing comedy clubs again. But at least you're filling a comedy club on your own name. So, like, if you can just do the adjustment, right? If this is a flash in the pan, it's fucking cool. I'm not just going to wax it all. I'm not going to adjust my quality of life to need this constantly and, like, put some of it away, pay some money off your hoose. Then that spike could just be like, oh, remember when I got that fucking windfall back in 2018? Yeah. I think...

I think the fear of dropping off is probably worse than actually dropping off. Yeah. Yeah. I've not been able to adjust to it. I agree. And also there might be the case when I go back on tour in a year or two, and maybe there are negative effects to taking this much time off, especially if the next show is a fucking stinker. Right. And then do another show too quick after the fact.

Four years time, maybe my career goes down. All right. Aye. I had a really good 10 years there. Aye. I had a really good 10 years. And then, you know what, if you're filling Birmingham Glee when you're going back to Birmingham, that's a fucking nice room to put... You'd probably start enjoying the actual gig itself a bit more if you ended up in, like, big comedy clubs. Yeah, and then also it's waves. Like, and then, like, once you go down to that fucking size again, you know, you start... You get hungry again. You get fucking passionate again. Also, like, I mean, you know...

I don't have a mortgage. That's it. I don't need it. You can do it for the sport. Back to what you were saying about the TikTok as not having a show, but having an audience and coming in, right? One of the best compliments I've ever had was I did a comedy club in Amsterdam. So I performed at Comedy Cafe. And after the show, the...

owner of the comedy club i was like oh man it's so good to have a fucking road comic come and do a show somebody that's actually learned that craft you know because it was always youtubers and tiktokers on and i have to fucking watch that he's like it's he was like it was such a compliment from again oh you actually learned how to do it first before you brought an audience here thank you and he was like it was just like like i was like you know when people give you compliments or great show or whatever that was a compliment where i'm like oh that's i'm having that one i'm taking that one

Here's a question for you. So Australia is now banning social media for under 16s. Okay. So first of all, Tinder's going to be shit. No.

But I fully agree with that, by the way. I think it should absolutely... But also, just get rid of it. Delete the internet. Just delete the internet. Let's get rid of it. Let's just delete the whole fucking thing. I like the idea of what they did with the Oasis in Ready Player One, where you just couldn't be on it on a Wednesday. Yeah.

Start with that. There's no internet on a fucking Sunday or something. Like just make that the new Lord's day. I mean, it's the old Lord's day, but make that, make that be what Sunday means. It's like, look, fucking with none of us have social media on a Sunday. I said this on one of the fucking solo podcasts, you're not allowed on the internet anonymously anymore. Everything, every account that you've got is, is,

It's your full fucking name. It's your address. It's your phone number. And also, and also everything, everything you've ever posted is whatever you post. Let's say you do one fucking Yelp review, two stars because you didn't like this fucking restaurant. Somebody can click on that, find out where you live, where your posts from eight years ago on Facebook were, what you've been doing on Twitter for the past couple of years, because we've got to find out what you, who you are, right? Mm-hmm.

If the internet is going to become society, back in the days before the internet, when you lived in a small fucking community, right? And everyone was able, had free speech around each other, talking away, blah, blah, blah. So everyone, you could turn up at this new village, like, hey, this is a lovely place. Like, yeah, it is.

See that Dave, he's a fucking liar. He lies about fucking everything. Do not listen to what fucking Dave says. Dave didn't get to go back in his house, put on a fucking mustache, come out, call himself Dave194 and be like, I have no idea who the other Dave is. And then just

Start a new fucking business. So you reckon like full regulated, you need a passport to log on? 100%. Fucking scan your passport when you log on and all your details are behind everything you're saying. I, man, yeah. I believe in freedom of speech. Some kind of totalitarian thing though, isn't it? I believe in freedom of speech. I don't believe in freedom of anonymity at all. But it's like, I say it's totalitarian, but you can't just fucking get in a car without fucking giving all your details of who you are in case anything fucking like...

treacherous happens when you're in control of the vehicle. If you were going to be a person, if you get to be a person of influence, right? We have to see what your influence has done in the past, right? In the same way that restaurants have reviews, right? In the same way that like fucking, like most professional jobs have a fucking track record that are looked after, right? You have people online who are incredibly fucking influential and there's no

Even though they've lied so much in the fucking past openly and freely there's nothing if you google their name It doesn't the first 50 results aren't this person is a fucking liar They're able to whitewash that part and they're just like a is this funny wacky guy who does this shit? Number one thing should be like here's the 90 fucking lies. They've told This great a new news thing because I'm not reading the news, but there's newsletters subscribe to a call tangle right and what they do is

I'm not reading the news, but I've got a newsletter. Yeah. Which is a letter about the news. Because... I'm not reading it, bud. Yeah.

This new dangle go through all the right wing media and they go through all the left wing media and they go, this is what the right wing are saying. This is what the left wing are saying. This is what we think. This is what we can do from this. And it's straight down the fucking middle. And the first thing they do, the first thing they do in every fucking email before they tell you any of the news stories is here's what we got wrong in the last thing. Here's corrections.

We said this, this was a mistake. It was actually this. We said this, this was a mistake. Also, this is the third mistake we've made in this quarter. The other two were this ones and all that stuff.

Every newspaper, the front however many pages should always be, here's the lies we told in the past fucking week. The corrections. Yeah, yeah. Because they do put corrections in, but hide them away, don't they? Like newspapers are like fucking just page 37. You know that like dead bit of the newspaper? I don't know if you ever used to read the newspapers, but like, you know, if you worked in a place that would be on the tables or whatever and the lunchroom.

There'll be the tits. So there'll be the headline, the tits, and then a few stories that you might read. And then just this bulk of shite that you skip to get to the crossword, then the sport. I'd read the thing backwards. I'd look at the tits and then start at the sport. That's how I'd read it. But then there's just this like bit of the newspaper between the crosswords and the main news articles.

What's in there? Is that what that is? Yes, yeah Is that them going Oh P.S. Yeah sorry We got this wrong Yeah we accidentally said This thing wasn't a war crime And it turns out It was a fucking war crime Because I reckon If you're going out Buying newspapers in the shops And there are ten options there And nine of them are

we were wrong, we were wrong, we were wrong, we were wrong. You're not buying those nine. You're going to go for the one that's got actual front page news. And you go, buy that one. Yeah, exactly. And then these ones that lie all the fucking time then have to, in order to increase their sales, go, we need to lie less in order for this not to be on front page. Ah, yeah, you have to get past the lies before you can see tits. Man, if I had to go through that many lies for tits...

I just There's a punchline to be attached to that I just don't know what it is You've had a hard three weeks It's been three weeks of jokes I like that I like that too It was hectic though It was all wedged in It was like what we used to do Like fucking Just day after the day Like I really I like the way we got that Yeah

On the last tour, where I would like, you know, pop out and do Germany and pop out and do Sweden and pop out and do Belgium. Like, to do it like that, that's the way to do it. Yeah. Like, doing the one day at the next thing is fucking intense. Getting a bit old as well now. Yeah, aye? Still got it. Like the travel. Didn't drink as much, will you? Aye, that doesn't surprise me. I smoked weed twice. Aye. Took gear twice. Oh, aye? Took more gear than I normally do, wee. What did you do gear? I don't want to be a snitch, but...

Oslo? Aye. You know who? Aye. Aye. Just fucking surprises with it. I was like, nice. Fuck, aye. So, aye. I didn't imagine it was cheap in Oslo and I likely didn't want no fruit. Did you end up going out? Shuffleboard, wasn't it? Fuck yes. Shuffleboard, football was on. Aye, class. Because that was the place I had a day off. I had one day off early doors. That was a good time to be giving gear. Aye. Aye.

And so I weed twice, get twice. And then I drank most days, but didn't get drunk most days. Yeah. Like, it was maybe the tattoo with the fucking spotter shots and that, that I got smashed. All right.

Was Connor in Tartu? Yeah, I did not want that spotter shot. No, I did do it. I was like, man, this is a baton you've been passed here. You better make sure Petri or whoever comes with you next has that spotter shot because we'll pay that forward. That's a good tradition. Did he spew?

No, but he went quiet. He went super quiet. He shut up for a bit. He said he was choking a dude. He was just trying to chat away at people. Lewis was there. There was a couple of people from the gig. He was like, I'm just choking a dude to spew. Just wondering if I'm going to have to run. He was all right, though.

But he couldn't hack it. He left after two weeks. He knew where that was going to happen, though. He had, like, just something in the family. And he knew at the start of the tour that he wasn't going to be there for the last bit. So when he went home, I used local acts where I could. And obviously everywhere's got local acts, but what I needed was local acts that could perform in English because some of the people in the audience would only speak English, like from Scotland or America or wherever. So...

Where I could, like in Turkey, in Ljubljana, Tin got up. Oh, aye. In Ljubljana, so the guy who promotes all your shows over the years. Who opened for you in Turkey? Just a couple of local acts, a lad called Hasan and a lass called Isha did seven minutes each. Nice. And then...

And then there was a lad called Alex who did the podcast, the last podcast we did. He did the two in Croatia. But it just meant I didn't have any in Bulgaria. I didn't have any in Romania. I didn't have any in Austria. And you fucking feel it. Yeah. You totally feel the difference.

It's not like a showbiz intro. If there's been an opening act on and then an interval, are they bringing you on? You just hit the ground running, whereas them three gigs, I had to dig the gig out and they had to adjust to my accent.

in a way that they'd already previously adjusted. It's not even me accent, just switching languages. So just having that adjustment not made when you walk on stage, like the first 10 minutes, I was like, oh, this is going to be tough. And then 10 minutes in, I'm like, oh, this gig's sweet. And I'm like, oh, that's just what it's normally like from the start if you go on. I guess that's why people just do fucking local up top. And I did do a bit of that as well. Like definitely in Bulgaria, I've done quite a bit of local and

Didn't really do much in Austria because they seemed a little bit like... I tried to get into them a little bit and chat to them and they weren't really that given. There wasn't much coming out of them and then I just realised that and started doing stuff. But even that, it's already done before you get on. And also, when I go on before you, I don't go on with like opening a joke...

or like interaction. I'll go on with, this is what the show is. Daniel's there, give it up. And like, I'm doing all these like fucking tricks to get everyone to stop their conversations and cheer and focus.

I couldn't bring myself to do that when I walked on just for myself. You know, I'm just walking on for my show. Hey, it's me, Kai Humphries, make some noise. You kind of do that. But if you're opening for somebody else, you can do that little bit of fucking pyrotechnic at the beginning. And then that gives that fucking energy pump at the beginning. Then you can say what you're going to say and then there's the laugh. Whereas going on cold and not being able to do that, you just have to build it up.

And so them three gigs, I absolutely fucking missed having an opener on them. And I also had to do longer on them ones in any case. Well, I'm sorry I did that really horrible thing to Conor's family, but it had to be done. I sent him a message. Fucking hell. I was like, what the fuck do you think you're doing going on through with Kai? That's interesting. That's interesting. How's your gran? You might want to bring her, by the way. Oh, God.

So I've just landed back, so I've come here before I go home and I'm kind of excited to go home and cuddle my wife and shag my dog. Can I wait to get me a glass of biscuit and lick my dog out? Walk my wife and pull my dog's hair. All that stuff. Excuse me, dog, I'm cheating. That's not right, the dog's been cheating. LAUGHTER

So I've got to get home and do all that now. There's been also, I fucking stupidly, stupidly booked in this weekend of gigs at Glasgow Glee because I was coming to do this tour and I was like, you know, I certainly probably haven't been paid for some of your touring already. Like touring has got settlements and it takes ages to arrive. So I was like, I don't know how much or when I'm going to get paid for this tour. So I'm going to put in some fucking gigs when I get back.

So I was meant to be at Glasgow's, like I land and then have a day off and then do gigs. And there'd been a diary fuck up and I actually wasn't booked for it. It was written in my diary, it wasn't there. And I've never been so fucking happy to lose a weekend's work. Aye. Like literally I'm on the moon that I've got the weekend off now. Shall we go play some VR? Well, yeah, and also go see my family. Aye. I forgot the camera was still rolling.