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Sloss and Humphries on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia.

Have you been since 9-11? Well, what a fucking weekend I've had. No, but let's start with me. Yeah, go on then. Get that out of the way. Are you done? Yeah. Fucking two and win the cup. Oh, did they? Nobody saw that coming. I was travelling to London, getting well. Also ran. Yeah. I, for the first 20 minutes of the game, I was watching with Colin and my boy. And I was like, I've got a feeling Newcastle are going to win this just because Liverpool, it felt like they were let away with fucking heaps of...

challenges in the first 20 minutes. I felt like they were doing some real brutal tackles and the referee was like, well, I'm not going to give up. Who we were. No, Liverpool were. So I thought you were going to be fucked over. Oh, right. And usually if the referee's lenient, we look at that and go, oh, we're allowed to do that and then just fucking match it. So usually we're all right when the ref's letting tackles ride. I can get comfortable. I'm happy with the ref going with that. This is a football podcast, by the way, just heads up. It's like the first time when you go to a house party or a party at someone's house.

Right, you're in your 30s, you're like, I don't know what type of party this is. Like, is it a wine and cheese party? Is it like, I'm going to stay up till 3am? Or do we all need to be gone by 9? What's the deal? And then you see two people come out of the bathroom and you're like... This is the kind of party I'm going to. Who's dick once sucked? That is what you were doing, right? Right, you guys were sucking each other's dicks. That's what you were doing there, right? Drugs? I'm out of here. God, no.

I don't know where to start with this. There's so much to unpack. Can I start with the fact, what's the opposite of meeting your hero? Meeting your villain? Oh yeah, I was going to bring this up with you. I met my villain. And you took a photo with him. I'd done very much the, when Dave Longley met Roy Truby Brown. Right. I just took that approach because I thought it would be so funny to throw into the group. Yeah. But like, I don't even know what to do with this photo because it's a little bit like, you know how like,

a fucking politician will be like photographed with like Epstein or something. And like one day it'll just come back and go, oh, look at the company he keeps. When actually like, I literally just ironically went and got a photo with him because I thought it would be hilarious to pop in the group. I hate it.

I hate the man with a seething passion. And if I hadn't just watched my team win the cup, I would have been kind of tempted to go and swing for him. Yeah, you can do that. Even though he's a pretty hard lad, like, but I reckon I could tech him. He's hard. I reckon I could tech him if I got first punch and I definitely would have. Yeah, because he wasn't enough. As far as he was concerned, he wasn't in a fight. Right.

Yeah, exactly. He was just enjoying the game. I went out with him after. Even though it's who it is, yeah. I think I guess P.S. Morgan. Nigel Farage. Actually worse. Still worse. You know what? I could say Tommy Robinson. That would be worse. But it's one of his boys. It's fucking Tommy Robinson late.

It's the same narrative that he's fucking running with, like, and shit. Also, you know this podcast. We dead name on this podcast. It's Stephen Yaxley Leonard. There is no man called Tommy Robinson. Fucking netball baby posing as council. Like, fucking eight of his million pound house. Fucking dad's, like, I mean, dad's a plumber. You mean your dad's got a fucking plumbing business and he's rich as fuck. What plumber? Fucking Mario, because that has a massive house.

It's almost as bad as my photo with Conor McGregor. Every day that photo gets worse. And two days ago that photo got way worse. He was like, did you not see the video? No, I don't know. I've done nothing but absorb the football. Conor McGregor was at the White House doing a speech being like, Ireland's fucked because there's too many blacks in it.

Wow. Yeah. Not exactly. I'm, you know, paraphrasing. But also, and even though what I said sounded harsh, his is harsher. And he means it. Yeah. So it was Joey Barton.

who was coming out of the stadium chanting and then cam was like that's fucking joey barton and your problem with him was that he left newcastle you love his opinions you think his opinion on female commentators can you remember in the airport where i had to delete x because for my own well-being because i was so angry at all of his output it was so fucking infuriating everything he was saying that like i was spending so much of my life angry because of joey barton and uh i

I had to delete it because I was like, if I didn't log on, I wouldn't have seen his opinion and I wouldn't be angry. So I had to delete it just to fucking try. I was like, fucking yeah, sometimes when you're on the road and you're drinking and you're hungover, like fucking the slightest thing can give you a wobble. I literally had to delete social media because of the cunt. And then I fucking, then this two-faced, hey Joey, fancy a photo now lad? He actually cured my mental health. I came off of Twitter.

Started going to the gym more and actually really improved my life. I still fucking hate you, but I'm in better shape. Yeah, I actually will. And because I'm in better shape, I'm going to chin you. Come here. He was the trigger that was fucking like looking after me, so. Yeah. Aye, fucking. But then two seconds later, I turned the corner and fucking bumped into Jill Scott and genuinely, happily, we got a photo of her, even though she doesn't mark him and she was totally gutted about the result. She mark him? Aye. Yeah.

So, also, after the game, we're in the concourse bit of the area. You're the same age as Joey Barton. How old are you? You're 41? 41, yeah. Oh, he's 42. Ah, he's just older than me. Yeah. So, I'm in there after the game, having a pint in the concourse at Wembley, and...

immediately recognises these two hot women as the wives of Sandro Tenali in Buno Gimresh. Good, I'm glad there was a second man's name there. Recognise them as the wives of Mohamed Salah. You know, all of them, yeah. Speaking of, I'll get to that in a minute. So,

They were getting a bit of attention off people wanting photos and stuff, right? And eventually when they gathered a bit of a crowd, they got on FaceTime to Bruno and he picked up and me and Khan were in the back chanting to Bruno in FaceTime while he was in the dressing room. And you know, like as a pure football fan, fangirl, like I was in the dressing room with Daniel after they'd won the cup, the captain, the captain, you could see us in the background of his wife's FaceTime. Yeah.

And he quickly hung up. Yeah, yeah. I wonder why. Who's these mugs? What's your beard wringing this for? I'm trying to fucking, I'm at work. Have you not seen what just happened? Do you not think I want to be with my friends right now? I know you're in the concourse. That's why you didn't get a VIP package. I'll see you at home. I am in the concourse with loads of Geordie men. And he's like, oh, for fuck's sake. Damn it.

Speaking of Mo Salah for a bit So he had a fucking Shite Ah he's starving So this is what He's fucking starving I never He ever like Went for a run On an empty stomach Yeah because he's He's a Devout Muslim Player So him like many Other Muslim players I assume all Muslim players Actually Brian and Buemo as well Yeah And Canty Yep All doing Ramadan So no eating And then you've got Like a fucking Cup final Eating's cheating

He was pants, wasn't he? Yeah, he was. I mean, good for you. I mean, at that point, you're like fucking Ramadan's class. Yeah, I was like fucking the sun better not go and do it. Imagine he's just fucking the sun going to do it and he runs, has a grenade bar and scores a hat-rick. But don't get me wrong, I'm glad that Mo Salah is as, I don't like the fact that he plays for Liverpool, but he's an excellent player. I'm not stupid. And I like the fact that how good he is, his price is,

and how much he's adored has been taken into consideration for his faith. Because surely there is the opportunity to look at any player of Muslim faith and be like, that's like hiring a six-month-old pregnant woman. Yeah. Which is, I'm going to hire you. Yeah. And then a month later... HR nightmare. It's an HR nightmare, this. Oh, and he's Egyptian too, so the African combination is going to eat him to my season. Yeah. Yeah, I don't want to not book you because you're African. But...

But African and a Muslim? It's going to cause problems with my plans. I either need you to wake up at the time that you're like to eat on Ramadan, and I mean stuff your face. I mean fill yourself to the brim. Carb fully all the way up, bro. Or I need you to go through the back of their defender in the 89th minute and get that red card. You don't need the group stages of the African Cup. They're fine. They don't need you then.

And against Botswana So speaking of Speaking of Muslims And Islam Right so Right just quick Quick timeline Of what's just happened Right my team's just won a cup Unbelievable Ended up in the dressing room With Bruno Kind of One way or another So

let me villain yeah right uh kind of added balance to that by meeting jill scott yeah well who's in the middle huh who's in the middle well you know the opposite ends of the spectrum of what's right and wrong and punditry yeah yeah yeah i think she's class on em whatever the podcast is she's great she's good good football and a good point and english though and then uh and then as i'm walking down the street i get like colored by someone with a camera to go on tv

You know how like the channels, all the different channels are there just getting like fan reactions and that? Yeah. Saudi television, Daniel. I was broadcast. You'll do anything for your clients. I was broadcast to Saudi Arabia. Yeah. And then I was like, this is the best day of my life born on. And I'm married, so don't tell any of my wives. Yeah.

and then just started going I hope the energy that's coming out of Newcastle right now is reaching Saudi Arabia and you can really enjoy what we're feeling at home here and I hope one day you get to visit Newcastle you're going to be so welcome in Newcastle when you come here not the rest of the UK by the way I mean fly into Newcastle I just started absolutely connecting with the I've got a Saudi fan base basically yeah I've got gigs in Riyadh do you want to come what because you can't bring your wife yeah

Oh, babes, I'd love you to come. Yeah, yeah. I might lose you.

So just one of them days that just didn't seem real. Yeah. Like from beginning to end. It didn't even seem real that we had tickets, you know, that feeling that I always get when I go to get a hire car where I don't really believe they're going to give us one. And then when I drive out, I'm like, whoa. I muck these guns off. Well, anytime you go out of America and you've got your visa, and even though you've got your visa, you get through security and you feel like you've smuggled yourself into the country. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like that kind of feeling of like...

until I'm actually there, don't think it's going to happen. That was my first time on Coden. I was like, oh, this is going to happen until, yeah. Until it's on, yeah. So there's a couple of moments in your life where you get that and then like, I'm fucking queuing to get in and the sniffer dog's everywhere and I've got loads of coke in my pockets. It's a little bit of a like, I mean, that's on me that if I don't get in. Yeah. What an idiot. Well,

What an idiot. But, like, imagine not getting in because you've got coke in your pocket, but imagine getting in and not having coke. Sophie's choice. So, I guess as well, Khan was so fucking exhausted. That was, like, a necessary last-minute pick-up because...

He drove through the night. Yeah. His lass already had a night out, like, in the bag when I got the tickets. I got them very last minute. We'll get on to that later on. So he was in with the kids and when she got in at midnight, he drove through the night. We went straight to the airport. So he was straight through the night after putting the kids to bed. Yeah. And I was like, right, we'll get you sorted. You're not going to live this in a day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I did that for him. But I was like, I've had plenty of sleep, but I'll join in. Yeah.

Well, friends don't make friends to cook alone. It's a problem if he's doing it on his own. What do you do at the Cook at Wembley? I just key in the toilet. Just key in the toilet? Yeah.

Which was like, where we were was really good tickets. It wasn't corporate, but it was like next thing along from corporate, you know, like we went in, it was called the Tap House and you can get in like an hour and a half earlier than everybody else. And they've got like, you know, loads of craft beers and street food. Where did you see them all?

how do I get that in a minute they've got like a Marks and Spencers in the stadium and like a clothes shop so you can buy a hoodie if you're cold and like everyone was like reasonably civilised and everyone and all looking at you being like that's

I did that guy, that scum, which scum is that? The one that just came out of the bathroom licking his keys. That one. By the way, I think I know the reason why he has the key in his mouth because he's clearly been starting his mouth because he hasn't started talking. He's put the key in there and turned it. It's like you're going to have a tuna match now which is like going to my own birthday party as well. Like I'm going to say like 10% of people at the game

want to like say hello and get a photo I thought you were about 10% of people there are on cocaine nah probably that's probably a very similar stat totally unrelated actually the people who know who I am are the exact people do you reckon 10% right so on a home game for Newcastle St James' Park 3pm kick off estimate right now what percentage of the home fans are on cocaine on average in a home game yeah oh

I think it's less than 10%. Less than 10%? I think it's less than five. Yeah? Yeah. It's not a lot of cake, right? It's quite a... I think Newcastle game's quite a family affair. Yeah, so that's what I was thinking. Yeah. Like, I feel like a Millwall game, it's up to 15, 20... Away fans, away fans, way more. Yeah? Uh-huh, percentage-wise. Uh-huh. Yeah? Yeah. Yeah, I think home game, family affair. Away game, handful of people have got their children, but those cunts are on coke. LAUGHTER

I think away game way more percentage wise. Yeah. Yeah. So the point is I'm chatting to a lot of people. A lot of like people are buying us drinks and stuff and getting photos. It was like dead nice and everyone's so nice. Like people have been so nice to us when they've like seen us like whether they've seen us live or seen us on clips or whatever. Everyone's been classed.

Did he call the police? Yeah. Did he? I did coke. What's up, mate? I told you, man. I don't agree with drugs. You can slap my dick and I can suck your dick in the bathroom. Any coke? Anyway, I'm queuing for the toilet and I'm just chatting to people, right? And I come with the toilet and Karen goes in and I'm like, hey, better have a piss now. Just went to the urinals. I can't.

I've queued for the toilet and then not used it and I still needed to go. The amount of times where you just give yourself away, go to the toilet, right? You're like, I'm going to do this really fucking sensibly, right? I'm going to, instead of doing off the top of the toilet, right? I'm actually going to sit down and I'm going to do it on my phone. So if anyone looks under my feet or face in the right direction, it looks like I'm taking a shit. Cut off my phone, take away fucking snort, put it all away, lick my phone, right?

stuff in pockets flush the toilet right and then you go okay now I'll go out I'll wash my hands don't do anything otherwise and then you walk out of the toilet and you're like I forgot to piss I'm desperate for a piss the amount of times I've come to the toilet and I need a piss straight to the urinal and everyone around you is like aye man aye aye yep yep I am cool no I have bowel problems you see very cool middle aged man

Look, I don't have a pension and I'm making sure I don't spend my latter years in austerity. You're pissing a lot. You must have a prostate problem and I can't imagine where you got that from. Me neither, sir. Excuse me, I'm going to queue for the toilet again because I need to blow my nose. LAUGHTER

So all in all, everything went swimmingly. Wonderful day. It was like a really last minute ticket thing as well because I ran, like we tried to get in with a ballot. Like we're members, we've been to a bunch of the car, we're like... Can I guess how you got the tickets? Yeah. Okay. You and Cam, right, go out for a night out, right? And on your way home, walking home, you've missed all the trains, right? And you've both lost your trousers for some reason, probably a fight.

You go pick up some Newcastle. So none of us has got trousers on? You've got pants on, you're having each other, you're drunk, and then you stop in a corner shop. I've still got my shirt tucked in. Yes, yes.

Ties, immaculate. Like every three minutes you stop like, oh, but let me just go, hair fucks, bleeding down the thighs. Just like one of them drawings where you fold the paper. Yeah, sorry. And the only thing you draw on is the little waistline and the neckline. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or that kid's toy where you can change fireman's head, nurse's body, octopus legs. So you stop at a corner shop, you pick up,

some Newcastle Brown Ale. You're really sad because in two day time it's the Newcastle. - You think it's actually in the chocolate factory but the bottle of Brune. - Yep. - Nicky Brune. - When you, so you finish your thing and obviously you both crush the cans off your head because you're Neanderthals, right? And then when you do that, does it go all the way down? - Usually bottles are brown so you just smash the bottles. - Right, smash off your head, right? And then something, even though you're used to breaking glass off your head, there was something hard in there and in there, right, is a gold bit of coal.

There's a little lump of coal. Just gold lump of coal. And that's how you get into Wembley. That's a ticket for Newcastle games, a lump of coal. Everyone's there with their like fucking fake tickets and all that. Oh, man. And you're just there going, give me this. Like, fuck it, I thought we closed the main. He'd been mining in a closed main. Scousers are trying to help with dead seagulls.

That's the Markham's Fuck the Seagull, remember? Oh, I just... We talked about this. I was just... Oh, you've been or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I actually squirm a little bit, you know, because if Newcastle United fans have been derogatory about Scots, it's the Calden bin dippers. Yeah. And I'm like, of all of the people to be poverty shaming of people...

It shouldn't be us. Yeah. We should probably swerve that little fucking insult leg. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Lads, I don't know why we're throwing these stones in this glass house. Yeah, yeah. It's like...

It's like the second fattest kid in school joining the bully and going, ah, you fat cunt. Get away there with him. Be like you call the God of Ginger. Yes. I call him bald. Which I really, really do do. Or Crickle Gay. I mean, I've been called some things, but don't, Daniel, I'm not. I'm not gay. Never have I called you gay in my life. Love women. Women. Pluto.

Uh-huh. Well. Yep. Well. Not only in your mother. Yeah. Standards drop a bit. I don't have a type. So I. Women whose pussies have been forced out of. Very good. Very good. Took a beat. Took a beat. Yeah. I've had some time off. You've still got it just a bit rusty. You know what I mean?

So I've rounded up the flagpole with a few different options that might be able to get us tickets, right? I've got like cans breathing down my neck as well. There must be somebody here. Number one, murder. Straight up, you can kill someone for tickets. Kill someone and get their tickets. To be fair, when I had my tickets, because I had printout tickets, right? When I had them, and I had them like in my hoodie pocket with my T-shirt on, my toon top on over the top of it, so like you can't reach in. It's unpickpocketable. But you know your people, right?

I did have a feeling that I'd die for it if push come to shove. Yeah. You know, like knife point. Yeah. Hey, you're getting blood on your ticket. Hold on while I correct you. You're getting blood on my ticket. I'm still going in there. Yeah, aye. Buddy, if you're going to stab me, go for the face, please. Not the vital parts. I didn't say organs. You can cut wherever you want. Just not. All right, just stab us in the arm. Right. Do you know how to take us on your phone?

No, this one wasn't. I got it as a comp. I got a free ticket to the game, which is fucking remarkable, right? Because we're going out on the TicketTout website. It's £1,700. Last time I checked before I got the ticket, it was £1,700. So it would have went up and up as the time went on. But if you've ever bought anything from that Tout website, you do know that they put a percentage on once it's in your basket because they know you're going to buy it anyway. So the percentage would have took well over £2,000 to buy a ticket. So it was a £2,000 ticket. If you offered me £4,000 for that ticket, I'd say the stadium, you're not getting it.

10 grand for that ticket you're not getting it it's just like I'm going in there I've got my ticket there would have been people who got their tickets through the correct channels because they're seasoned ticket holders who are struggling to make ends meet who know fine well they could easily get two grand plus for that ticket a week before the game four or five months mortgage payment and they're going to that match like it's there's so much so what you're telling me is it's poor people's fault they're poor

Well, in this respect, right? In this respect, right? They could have dug themselves a little bit out of poverty by selling that ticket. But why the fuck are you trying to live if you're not trying to get the experience we all had at that stadium? We all got a life experience that just fucking money can't buy, that feeling of...

when we won something after like people have lived and died without Newcastle winning anything 70 years so that's four generations of Jordans there was people there were like cardboard cut out to their dad and shit like there was people there just like fucking were loved ones that would love to have seen it or done oh their dads were still alive they just couldn't get a ticket fuck it I don't want to fucking insolent to mean anyone's

I'm lucky, unfortunate enough to still have my father. You know, we've got our memories of things that we did together. But I can't imagine walking into a print shop. Are you a full-size guy? I didn't think I'd get in with a full-size one. Half-size mark. It wasn't full-size really. It was like kind of nearly three-quarter size. Yeah.

There was a guy that brought, like I saw, like he brought his granddad's hat inside of there. Yeah. Because it's the hat his dad wore to every game. That's a nice touch. And those people were wearing that, the top of the dad was. All of that. Beautiful. The cunt with the brinta was a fucking second bat. I know, but he was funny. He was laughing. I didn't even see him at the match. I saw him at the pub with his dad. It was in a big chill afterwards. Now we're the one where Tom and Kirstie broke up. Went there for a long time. Right.

I went to the big children who was there with the cardboard cut who was dad. I was like, did you take him to the match? Who they are? So tickets were, I just tried a bunch of channels because you know how I'd been on TNT Sport fairly recently. I tried with Air Masked if we could get tickets for Lake of Wish. I tried with the organization that run the tour with Doug Stanhope who book us. They run Sam Fender's tours. So I thought they'll have tickets but obviously they're

they'll be able to get tickets, but they've also got a million fucking Jordies on the roster that want tickets. So they were like, man, yeah, join in a massive queue of people that want tickets. There's no way I can get them from here. And then I tried it with me producer of my own tour and they just pretty much got back to us saying, we didn't really work with football tickets, sports not with me strong suit. And then a week later I got a message going, I think I've got two tickets for you. I'll call you tomorrow. Right. And this was like two weeks before the game.

And the next day I'm waiting for this call. Honestly, when I say I'm waiting for this call, that's all I'm doing. Just sit outside, phone on the table, waiting for a call. Yep. You got the part. Walking the dog, just like everything I'm doing is with an audio book on because then if my phone rings, it cuts it. Right. So I'm pottering. I'm pottering until three o'clock. Right. And then I just take it because I'd already emailed him back that night just saying, oh my God, I'm not going to be able to sleep right. And then I messaged just going, yeah,

the anticipation's killing us nothing full day goes by right so the next day I email again and nothing and then the next day I try to ring him and then he cuts us off and texts us again I'm on a train I'll ring you back

Nothing. Great. Right, and then this goes on for a full week and then he messages the Monday after, like the Monday of the week of the game saying, check your emails. You've gone through 17 books. Nearly finished the Wheel of Time. And the reread. And he goes, check your emails and there's two tickets in the inbox. And I was like, I was after three. LAUGHTER

you fucked us here but we did have a little bit of that where I was going I was going Natalie I was like what do we do here because they can we go to every game we can and like I was like should we because he really really wanted to spend the money yeah like he was like trying to talk me into it and we were talking him out of it we're like that's just a ridiculous like amount to be spending yeah

Like if you spend that money like you'd want the corporate experience at least you want like the Fed and the trimmings that like they rub you for when you buy corporate seats right but it's you're just upping the gods for two grand right. So we're attacking him out of it but I'm also attacking him out of it because like I'm still got to I haven't told him that I'm getting teased.

because I don't want to tease him too and then I was like to Natalie I was like should we chip in like he was willing to pay so much for like if we chip in for at least make it cheaper when he buys a ticket and then she was like look he was willing to spend two grand and I absolutely wasn't he deserves it more than me just give it to him so I got to make that phone call I got a phone call and I told him you can't believe I'm taking Natalie to the game yeah great girl face to me I want to see your face mug it take me bird

Can you and Natalie get to go to Wembley? Hands off. Can I watch it in the pub? I did it in very much... I phoned them up and just went...

We still haven't organised Sunday, how we're getting to London on Sunday. He's like, what are you on about? Because we had a table booked in Shark Bar in Newcastle. We had plans for watching it in Newcastle. He's like, we're going to London on Sunday. And he's like, what are you on about? I was like, I've got tickets for the fucking match, man. How are we getting to London? And just listening to it sink in. It was a bit like giving a kid a PS5 game. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they open it and then it dawns on them that the next present is a PS5. And they're like, mum, I have a PlayStation 2. You're a dumb bitch. Yeah.

And you hit her and you ruined Christmas. Yes, I did that to Karen. I think I'll get in London. I've got a ticket. Can you drive us there? But he ended up driving me. I know you wanted to spend all the money, but just so you know, I spent five grand on the last ticket, so I can't get down to London. So can you drive me, please? And obviously I can't chip in for petrol because, as I said, five grand on the ticket. Thanks, man. You're the best. Wait outside and keep the engine running. Just keep getting as much as I can out of him for the ticket.

but I absolutely fucking once in a lifetime experience. I was driving here actually because I'm still just... I mean, hopefully not. I'm still just absorbing all of the content, right? And there's the podcast where Gary Lineker, Mika Richards and Alan Shearer and he eventually come on to the thing and he was on about all the things they've won as players and

like Gary Lineker and Shearer like watching their own team win something was better than that with like whatever it would have been like Blackburn for Shearer Spurs Barcelona Spurs went out nobody didn't play for them then so he was saying watching Leicester win the league it was the better experience the tribal visceral kind of experience all of the things they've done in their career this was the best

was watching the team win something. And it was just that experience where I was just saying, hang on, everything Shira has achieved in his life, my best experience and his best experience are the same. Like it's that good an experience that like they hold it above everything that they've done in their life. It's just a silly game of kickball. Nah, that's what's silly about it, isn't it? Yeah. It's such a magic trick on the body.

It's something that we've all just agreed on matters. And people that aren't invested in it, this makes no sense to them at all. And I talk about it on stage. I try to talk on stage in a way that I am explaining it to people that don't care. But the emotional investment has a payoff. And it's such a fucking...

like an amazing trade because you hand over your emotions to something you've got no control over and it can make you sad. So like some people...

Some people tapped out when Newcastle were getting relegated and shit because their mental health was in a bad place anyway. I tapped out at Chelsea. Aye. You're struggling with bits and bobs in your life and all that and then there's this fucking other thing that's just bringing you no joy. Because I've been largely balanced in my happiness, I've been able to afford Newcastle to sap the life, whatever's in that aspect of my life, because it was fucking reaching for the rope. I reckon some of the people that tapped out of football...

still alive today because of it I do wonder how many male suicides every year

aren't down to not fooling people I don't think oh but like a win on the weekend would have kept them alive for that week it would have been enough aye yeah yeah I do think like because I'm not saying your team losing something is enough to drive you over the edge to kill yourself but it's it's up to a factor of 20% on your happiness and it can swing like if you're having a bad mental health day and you're at like 30%

And then your team wins. You're up to 50. You're like, it was a shit day. Now it's a fine day. I can get through it. Yeah.

And I've given quite a lot of myself to that football team so I could get that feeling right. But there was people in that stadium who've given a hell of a lot more to that club than I have. You know, like every single game, every single long journey in the fucking winter and like driving back after getting pumped on an away game. Like I pick and choose a handful of games and I've had a largely good run of it, right? But some people have like been through the worst ever.

and like went to every single game in the championship to get them back up and all that like it's fucking like there's some people in that stadium who've invested way more so that feeling from them will be amplified by a million and then like you say well like fucking she was like played for them and tried to win and had been in cup finals where he lost like it's such a it's such a fucking like mad trade that you make with a football team for so that you can get that reward from it but like as someone who loves drugs far better than drugs for what it gives you

Aye, but drugs are cheaper and more readily available Aye Yeah Can I go to a drug dealer and be like Can I get an ecstasy pill? I'll give you one ecstasy pill at one point in the next 70 years Ah yeah And it's going to cost me 50 grand It's better than a hell of a bill If I bought me an ecstasy pill then it might give us the feeling of losing 5-0 Yeah

Ketamine is the feeling of turning up to Wembley, realising you forgot your shorts and then your PE teacher turns up and goes "you forgot to do it in your underwear"

- Oh yeah. - Was that I think in your generation? - Yeah, aye. - Right, so I was-- - I was like, oh no, I have to do it in my own. I went, oh, I forgot my stuff again, sir. - I was talking about this today, 'cause it didn't happen to me at high school, but like that was something in primary school where, I mean, it's obviously stopped now because that's a crime. But like when I was a kid, it's like, oh, you forgot your PE stuff, you're doing it in your little fucking tight ways in your day. - Oh, especially in Scottish school. You used to have to do dancing. - Yeah.

Like it's one thing doing like gymnastics in your kicks But doing the fucking Whatever Gay gardens Yeah yeah Super gay If you're doing it best Aye Yeah No good Do you hear I betrayed you at the weekend? You betrayed me? Aye You celebrated the consolation goal

Oh, we did, by the way. The Toon fans accidentally celebrated their goal. Do you know that? No. You know, it was an offside call. Yeah. And they went to VAR for ages. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They put a sweat on. You know how the referees make it up now and he tells the audience, the crowd, what the result was just with the acoustics of the stadium. It sounded like he said, offside, and we cheered like a goal had went in and then they went and started a fucking kick-off. We genuinely cheered the Liverpool goal by accident. Yeah.

Because we misheard That explains why the Liverpool cheer was so loud Yeah I mean Yes Uh huh I opened for a corner On Friday and Saturday Oh yeah Hi Molly Is that how to go? At the Kings wasn't it? Yeah Yeah fine Like So I get it My mum and dad wanted to do it Did they know who you were? No No 15% 15% of the crowd Yeah yeah yeah Like

I always, because I was walking, I was like, surely I've got some crossover with, like, Connors fans, like, both Scottish. Like, he's opened for me before. Like, surely we've got... He's like, yeah, I think we do. Then we were outside the Kings and I was walking past this queue. I'm like, oh, this is like a very, like...

middle aged there's young people there but like way more middle aged than mine and also a bit Facebooky because like a lot of his contents on Facebook that's what he's getting in I mean don't get me wrong can't sold out two shows that he kinks is unbelievable super proud of him and when I was backstage I was like hey man can I ask you a question about your crowd he was like yeah I was like are they how do I put this are they are they like

Are they like Kai's audience or my audience? He was like, do you mean scum? I was like, yeah, they're scum. He's like, they're a bit scummy. But I'm like, but that's my thing because like Kai's audience are scum, but also they're my scum because I've been a part of the Newcastle world. But the class, I love my audience. I was worried. I was like, these might be knackers. But like the salt of the earth, like everyone's so boozy, boozy. Like you couldn't put an age on my audience. It's quite like an age range, right? But all of them,

To a man, boozy. Yeah. Before me special, they had to do an announcement to take all the glasses back because they'd run out of glasses. Great. Great. That's what you want. People were hoarding them up to throw at you. You want an audience where the venues love having you. The venues buzzing when they book you because they're like, we're going to put money behind the bar. Aye. It was good fun. You know, but also like I'm still doing new shit.

And also Connor's got the, I think cause Connor, I think, first of all, Connor is filth. He's got dirty, he swears, right? He's got rude stuff. I think he's controversial. Like he's not afraid to push the fucking boundaries. But I don't know if he just does it in like a,

a sweeter way than me a more palatable way more palatable because like there was like he takes the edge off his edge by being charming yeah or maybe because like because he's got way more of a Scottish accent like all of the older generation who would be like put off by me swearing and filth that I do in my show but then because of his he's just able to sell more because like

he reminds him of like their grandson or their nephew or something yeah cheeky thing yeah i don't know i do i lean into that a lot it's like you know opening for jamon i'm like oh i am like gonna come in and swear and be like but i'm gonna i'm gonna charm you while i'm doing it yeah i you just don't you can't do that i'm charmless yeah makes your edge harsher well

So did you make them gasp? Some of them gasped, yeah. I mean, we're gigging together tomorrow. Me and you? Aye. Oh, it's a charity gig at the stand, our class. Aye, I'm on there. So you'll see some of the new stuff. But yeah, there's lots of, you know me, there's Auschwitz jokes in there already. There's a lot of Auschwitz. So it's going on first. Yeah, yeah. Just denying it. Just denying it. I mean, what witch?

Deny that it didn't happen. Yeah. Deny that it didn't happen. To be fair, that is my sentence. I regularly, I want it on record, I deny that the Holocaust didn't happen. Holocaust denier. I deny that it didn't happen. I don't think the Holocaust didn't not happen. It did not not happen. Wait, no, that was, I'm not sure you're saying it. That was triple negative. You're denying it being a Holocaust denier now. I'm not a Holocaust denier. That's a triple negative. Because you're...

I don't not deny the Holocaust. Still, we're still on the wrong side of history here. I don't deny the Holocaust. Didn't happen. Was that didn't happen? I've no idea. I'm confusing myself now. So anyway, Holocaust jokes. Yeah, because what... It's also a very contentious time to be doing that.

yeah why do you think they've just think like a rise in anti-semitism probably has got a little bit like yeah a little bit of sensitivity there's a little bit of some old wounds have been opened at the minute so chucking salt around is probably a bad idea yeah yeah I can understand that but like what you told me fucking Conor's audience is Jewish and they're like slugs I think no I think it's more about the worry

The people getting hurt. The people actually getting hurt. 30 seconds ago, a lecture on why even joking about anti-semitism was bad. And then to go to, they're slugs. That's not what I said. That's what you said. I was in the bit. That was one of my feelings. And then, I don't know if it's all fucking controversial. It's not the most controversial stuff I've done.

But I had a gig last week at Monkey Barrel where I was just like, I'm so bored of like, 'cause the proud part of me, the part of me that like has this teenage stipulation in his head or a man in his early twenties of what like a real comedian is, right?

is real comic goes to the clubs gets the fucking club tour and he can walk on in any room in the world right and fucking smash it and that is the mindset you need to have when you're up and coming proving yourself right I'm lucky to have a fair bit of a career at this point right so when I'm coming back to I'm like right I'm gonna fucking do that I'm gonna go to the clubs put fucking neutral crowds

we got to neutral crowds I was like what the fuck am I doing here there's people out there who fucking love me what am I doing let's just go to watch Stade like Stade doesn't give a flying fuck about any of that there's like he just goes in and he fucking flings a bit around there's a bit where like he'd forgot the punchline and he was trying to dig something out of it and then he realised that he was like not getting to where he wanted to go and then he just looked around and went I don't

I don't think this gig's make or break for me. And he just absolutely fucking, he was like, him just going like, I don't care. Like, he didn't laugh, I don't care. It was like. Oh, I do care. So I cheated. Yeah, I always want to do well at every gig I do. Yeah. And also, doing a work in progress show to all of your own audience is absolutely cheating because you're not getting a fair representation of the material.

I also think it's like what Red Raw in Glasgow is, right? You don't do Red Raw in Glasgow to work up new material.

you do Red Royal Glasgow to get confidence in your new material first time you ever do a joke you want to do it at Red Royal Glasgow because they'll fucking they'll go for anything and they'll really laugh even if it's not that good they'll fucking go for it then next time you tell it at a worse room it doesn't go as well but you're pitching it with way more confidence because you've already fucking ripped off you've already seen the goal go in yeah I think it's important to like give yourself the confidence I did a um

bit of new material so I'm way behind everyone else right here's a flying at the minute and that's a worry but I'm still on tour so I'm still touring the stuff that I'm doing at the minute which is always hard to transition right so it's easier when you finish your tour and you can just go right everything I've got to do is about the new show now so I was like right I'm going to do Red Raw I'm not going to date for nothing let's get some stuff written and it ended up coming in at about like six minutes or something but I still have 40 minutes left to go so I just pivoted into some older stuff and

And the older stuff, just like, even though it's red raw and all the new stuff went down well, I'd done that at the top. Like I went out and I'm going to open with new stuff and then, and then like, you've already like warmed yourself up and now you're doing tried and tested bits. You've done a million times and you know where all the laughs are. And it just was like, that was so much better than that. Yeah. Oh God. I hate when you, I hate when you compare the new bit now to the old bit now. Yeah.

You should be comparing it to the old bit when it was new. Yeah. Well, that's the one thing I've definitely found an advantage in taking the eight months off. It's because the old show is so fucking far behind me now. Last time I did it was in October and even the skill of that was just fucking remembering it. Yeah. Like, I don't have any comparison of that because at the end of every tour...

I hate my material because at that point I've said it 300 times. I think you can tell a joke 250 times before you start to lose your mind. Right? And that's if you don't mix it up. I know there's comedians like Burr that'll fucking mix it and State that'll mix up Peppin Knight and keep it fucking fresh for themselves. So you watch Andrew Schultz's new special. Shall I not? I mean, do. I've not watched it all but the first 10 minutes there's a New York jazz joke in there. Like 9-11 one? Yep.

That would be like, you know, the Chicago basketball team's called the Chicago Fires. Naming your team after the biggest tragedy, that would be like New York naming their team the Jets. And I'm like, cool. Did somebody text you that joke on a Nokia 3310 in 2002? Yeah, that's a joke. Like even when you suggested it there, I think I've heard that. I think it was the first joke ever posted on Sycopedia was that joke. Like it's...

And by the way, buddy, I don't, I'm not accusing Andrew Schultz of jokes still in here. I'm accusing him of fucking laziness. Yeah. Because whenever you arrive at that joke, you go, everyone's told that joke. Surely it's professional. You arrive with that and you go, it could come up in a podcast. If it's conversational, that's fucking funny. Your opening gag, your fucking Netflix special, pew. Rest of it any good?

Didn't watch it I fucking don't I watched Ronnie Chang's new special I loved that I love Ronnie I love spinning over Ronnie Like a fucking Like that's That's the one like That's date night Like I mean Natalie will curl up And watch like a Ronnie Chang special Like it's No I don't respect I respect Schultz as a comedian I don't respect him as a human being No No

Not a single bit. And watch Nelsons as well, class. It's on iPlayer. But I tend not to watch a great deal of specials. Damien Powers' one's really good. Is it? It's on YouTube. It's really funny. Do you think it's beneficial or do you think it's... What's the opposite of beneficial? Negificial? Yeah. I can see why we didn't call it that. Benevolent is good.

Malevolent. So maleficent? Beneficial? Maleficent? That can't be right.

There's got to be an opposite. There's a word that's not similar that means the opposite. There's got to be an opposite to beneficial. Detrimental? Detrimental. Is that the one? Yeah, but why is it not? Yeah, they don't pair up very well, do they? No. They're not friends. Stupid English language. Is it beneficial or detrimental to watch a lot of comedy when you're writing a show? Is it inspiring and you get to see some like thought patterns and techniques or is it that you're just going to end up like similar to someone's stuff?

No, I think it's... Whether it's subconsciously or not. No, I think the more you're aware of what other comedians are saying as well, it's important. And that's why I also think it's important to watch comedians that you fucking hate and just go, right, so I'm going to watch this special and try and see if, you know, the person I hate can be fucking skillful at shit.

But if I watch their special, I can see what their arguments are. And in my head, I can imagine I'm arguing against them. So like some of my material will be not a direct rebuttal to it, but in my head, it'll be like anyone that thinks this is a fucking idiot.

And this would be my rebuttal to it. And it's sort of like, knowing what both sides and the middle are saying about things, I think is good. I think the downside of it is it's impossible when you're writing new material to watch a literally finished show. Oh, yeah. And go...

I'm shit. Like, there's no way any of my stuff just now is going to be as good as this. I just want to watch, like, everybody that's got a special, I want to see a first preview of that show. That's what I want to watch in the build-up. David Powers opening, can I exploit it? He goes, eh,

my granddad fought in the uh um in world war ii and afterwards like obviously just hated japanese people who served in the pacific hey japanese was racist in three years and years and then we're in the 70s right japanese people started immigrating over he was racist towards usually racist towards him right but they came over and they do all immigrants do they start cooking right

10 years after that my granddad I'm not cooking if they're Japanese yeah you know in the next 10 years my granddad's sushi for the first time he's like oh you know what it's not that bad by the time he was you know in the 90s he was actually not racist towards Japanese people at all same thing happened in the UK when it comes to Indian immigrants right dead racist started cooking great so all I'm saying is right

Let's give the trans community a year to cook for us. That's so funny. Because it's got to be good on a slow build. Yeah. I love that. It's the opening gag, so I feel like I've not ruined the special. I've literally advertised it by...

but that was the only guy i was like fuck that's brilliant fuck that's great like i've barely spent any time with damien power but i love the guy like i bummed into him where it was like you know when you're like oh we know each other when you're passing each other the fringe and we had like a five to ten minute conversation that was no small talk involved it was all about the fucking meaning of life and the lens of perception and shit and uh we just ended up having this like

really fucking meaningful deep conversation and then went oh shit I've got to be somewhere that was much better than like how's the show going yeah so much better because he's so like when we talk about fucking people who say aren't wide who's intelligent comedy are just stupid people that are saying something slightly more intelligent than they're dumb asses and they're like that's intelligent Damien Bowers really fucking smart like both I think like academically and in terms of like

His reading list isn't the Stormlight Saga. Speaking of which. I've just started Warbringer. I did say that right, didn't I? I'll get all of the book titles wrong that I've ever written. No, it's Warbreaker. Warbreaker. Warbreaker. Yeah. So I did get it wrong. Yeah.

Whoa, you're going to trip. What are you bringing here? You got little merchandise? Have you been buying yourself little bits of fucking nerdy merchandise from the Stomach Saga, have you? So, when they announced... Are you doing an unboxing? No, no, I did this yesterday. Colin was working here. And I was like, can I just make you the angriest you've ever been? Because, you know, I've done plenty for Colin in his life. Colin has like a...

to me where he'll not insult me as much as he insults other people. I think he should be allowed to, but just in his head, there's a little bit of... So like you want, like Mark Nelson just openly wants to wedgie you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like, you haven't put Mark Nelson up in your house when times were tough. No, no, no.

So he will happily openly wedged you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Same thing, like you'll occasionally go full throttle on me, like if we're both in the mood for it, but most of the time you're like, ah, Tom's there, I'll go for Tom. Yeah. So sometimes I like to test that with Cullen and his patients. So,

When the Brandon Sanderson Kickstarter came out for all the limited edition books he's done, I obviously signed up to the highest level of Kickstarter and it meant I got all of these plushies. So you got plushie toys. Who's this? Well, considering I'm reading a book and I have no visual imagination, this is really difficult for us to put a character to a person. But this is from the Stormlight Saga.

Well, it's not Kaladin. It's not... Right, I've already lost the names. Stormfather. Stormfather. The actual Stormfather. He's the storm. Yeah. And the sprain. It's a sprain. It's an ink sprain. Oh, wow. Is that what they look like? Yeah, apparently. Man.

Should you be showing these to the camera? This is an ash sprain. Is that an ash sprain? Should you be showing these to the... You can't really see them anyway because they're still in the rat bar. Are you keeping them in the rat bar? No, no. I said I was going to keep them in to annoy Colin. Is that Colin? What's this one? A peak sprain. So these are all sprain? Yeah. A mist sprain. Aye. You're just showing us your titties, Daniel. I'm 34. Aye.

Calibration sprain Where's Cara gonna let you put these? Oh it's a cryptic It's a cryptic He's basically just pulled out a bunch of cuddly toys Reach her Reach her? What the fuck's a reach? Oh The Parshene Got it right So you're gonna like decorate your bed with these? Do you make your bed yet?

Should we make our bed? Can you make your bed yet? Yeah, well, it depends on the day. Sometimes I do it, sometimes Carla does it. Because remember a couple of years ago, you were like, I'm just going to get back in it. Because I never used to make my bed. Neither did Natalie. We went a long time there where you're just like, that's just a bed. I didn't even make that. But now I take pride in making my bed look nice. First thing in the morning.

First job of the day, like I'm fucking taking Jordan's penis as advice on how to live. Complete the task to start the day. - Well, 'cause what happens is, so we come downstairs for breakfast, I'm on Cailin duty in the morning, Cara's on Bupa girl duty. And then when I want to get ready, it's one of the only times we let Cailin on an iPad, it's just so I can fucking shower and brush my teeth and get ready. And he sat on the bed, so if I made the bed before that, it'd be fucking pointless. But then after I get ready, I go like, "Get him ready."

So I would say 50% of the week we make our bed. Right, okay, so this is what you're going to do. Make a bed, put all of the plushy teddies on, and let her go to bed before you and discover them. Oh, she knows them. It's like a neatly made bed with like a whole... Because we've got two teddies on the bed when we make the bed. All right. Just because they exist in our life. It's like Natalie's old teddies from when she was a kid. I mean, it sounds like you've got one each. Huh? It sounds like you've got one each. No, both Natalie's. Well, I mean...

Are they both on her side of the bed? So basically what I do is I make the bed. So I'm talking you through it. Put the two cushions there. They're nice. And then I put the teddies in a sexual position. Oh, that's good. That's me making the bed. Yeah. I feel like there's only two positions, sexual positions you can put teddies in. I'll move around them. 69 doggy. Or missionary. Or missionary. Yeah. Reverse cow teddy.

reverse teddy girl i think it's the girl but that's not the cowbird reverse reverse cow bear reverse cow bear is that what it is cow bear pig cow bear pig we've got a we've got a title um i'm gonna have to uh wrap up soon i'll take my son to the dentist i thought it was you i had to go to the dentist i do have to go to the dentist so i've got a little chip from one of my is that from the sock game

No. On his stag do we had a game, the sock game that he used to play as kids where one person would be wearing a sock and the rest would be trying to get it off. Oh no, he's all would wear one sock. All got one sock on and you're like with his brothers and they're all trying to get the sock off them. But like now they're grown men it's just become like a full fucking. Yeah. Yeah. So it's not my teeth that are chipped. I've got a composite on them because they were like slightly dented from when I smashed my face off a cub when I was young. So it's just composite. Cib.

Like you said, you just had your fingers in your mouth. Oh, sorry, carp. Yeah. So getting that fixed. But then also big advantage because like Caelan, we were meant to go to the dentist last week, but got the time wrong and the entire time we were in the car. But three years on, he's like, I'm just a bit scared of the dentist. I'm like, okay, man, it's okay to be scared of things that you don't understand or don't know. Tempted to, tempted to.

he was like I'm a bit anxious and I'm like man I don't think I learned the word anxious until I was nine years old it's a different generation identifying emotions I'm like okay I'm like anxiety's fine so we took his little teeth like I said teeth toys so we take that down and we're like this is what they're gonna like she's gonna show him what it does on that and then they're gonna do it to me and then hopefully he'll be fine

Can you teach us about bravery now that we've got a better grasp on what it is? Because I used to think being brave was not being scared of things. No. Being brave is being scared of things but then doing it anyway. So it's like the conquering of it, which is like... It's not the absence of fear. It's doing something while fearful.

So I think I didn't know that until I was grown up. And I just thought being brave was like not being scared of stuff. So I'd pretend not to be scared of stuff, even though I was, which is actually fucking the same thing. So you still reach the same conclusion in the end. But I think like having an understanding of like, oh, it's okay to feel this. I'm not like covering up that I'm scared. I am scared. I'm just fucking going to do it anyway. Like I'm pushing through. So like... I've got to... I'm trying to... Not that my parents were ever bad to me at all. With...

I don't know what I was like as a three year old, so maybe I was. Similar.

I was never taught until I started meditating that you're not your own thoughts. You're an observer of your thoughts and you can, you know, you can ignore them super hard to do, but with focus you can't do it. That was like a revelation to me when I was 29 or 30 years old. Right. I think it's too early to sort of explain the concept of that to Caelan. But like our big thing is like, you know, once you say sorry once, if you're truly sorry enough to say sorry again, don't be like me, don't apologise and then apologise for apologising and go on further. So

So some of it is landing in because we were playing golf and he was hitting some good shots. And then he had one just wayward, right? And something like me at that age, right? Despite all of my dad trying to make me a better, not a sore loser, something where I would have snapped a fight at the club. Caley just went...

It's just a silly game. I'm like, but that is the best attitude to go to golf with. Never refer to sports as that. We all know it, but don't reveal that. You're allowed to call golf that, for your own mental health and golf. If you're having a bad game of football and your way of justifying you having a bad game of football is like, hey, it's just a silly game. Ten other lads are going to kick your head in.

It's just like, you're letting the fucking team down. If you're golfing alone, you're like, I'm losing. The best way to get over losing here is to just go. That was one thing I loved about when we actually had like, it was a come down from a stag do fall out about football. When the Scottish fans and Irish fans were like really like going against England when we went out to the Euros, World Cup, World Cup. It was the World Cup same thing against Croatia. Yeah, it was the World Cup.

A Euro semi-final. A World Cup semi-final. Okay. Yeah, when we went out there and he's...

was so brutal and we actually fell out over it, right? Like people were falling out over it. And at no point did anyone say it's only a game. And that's why I love every one of you. Nobody says, hey, this isn't worth falling out over. We're like, fuck it. Even if any of my wives were saying it into our ears while we were falling out with our very best friends, none of us said it. Because it's more than that. We're past the point.

Before you leave today, you've got some Thistley Cross to take home. You've got fucking heaps. Lovely. And that's going to be ready for me for barbecue season because I'm off now. I'm away from Friday, Saturday. I'm going altitude and then I'm going straight to Australia. See me in Australia, Melbourne and Sydney. See me in Sydney. Just Sydney. I know. Here's the thing. I'm probably not meant to reveal this, but who gives a fuck? You're podcast listeners. So obviously I'm doing the Sydney Opera House, Daniel's Lost Friends. That's sold out.

I'm also doing the Comedy Store, the three weeks before that, the Thursday, Friday, Saturdays, I'm headlining. I think I may be hosting them. Great. There you go. I think I'm hosting them ones. Yeah. All three?

I think so, because I'm going to do a week in Melbourne, a week hosting the Comedy Store, and a week in Sydney. Yeah, so I'm doing three. A week doing a Sydney show. I mean, I know both of them things are in Sydney. So if you want to see us, I'll be there for three Thursdays, three Fridays, three Saturdays. I don't know the dates, but whatever the dates are after the 4th of April, those ones, those are the weekends I'll be there. Are you going to two other shows that you're doing at the Fringe?

What? Are you going to tour the show that you're doing at the Fringe? Maybe, why? Yeah, because I need to work out my tour and it'll be good if we can juggle the two. Well, Gareth's already replacing you. I'm doing work in progress at the end of August in Portal. Are you going to? No, Lisbon, Lisbon. Yeah, nice. Doing a work in progress and so we'll still be going back to Lisbon eventually on tour more towards the end of the tour but doing a poofy there. But also we just wanted to...

holiday nice holiday take the Benz he's going to try and get that place that we were at a bit too far out of town unfortunately especially if you're going to Porto no no you go to Lisbon yeah so both wives were like we want somewhere like in town so we can do things with the kids yeah Lisbon's such a great spot as well it's the best it's the best it's infinitely better than every part of Spain oh right I saw that you knew it was in Portugal when you said that yes

It's my favourite part of staying. No, no. What was that? Somebody in Lisbon told us about an artist, a music act that crushed a gig and then said the wrong language. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Goodbye. Like gracias instead of obrigado. Yeah. Is that right? Yeah, yeah. They said the wrong one and just sucked the atmosphere out of the room after having a good gig. Yeah. It's like, well, there you go. Fuck you.

Well, I mean, at that point, suck it out of the end. Fuck them. You've got no refunds at that point. Apart from that, fuck off and we'll see you next week. Bon voyage.