Viva Uber Eats (Ft. Tony Carroll)
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Sloss and Humphries on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia.

Have you been since 9-11? Tony Carroll, welcome to Scotland. Thank you very much. Your first time ever. First time across the border. It is, yeah. How did that feel? Yeah, it's good, isn't it? Glasgow was very similar to Liverpool, to be honest. Aye, yeah. Just like...

Not scenic-wise, I mean, like... People. I've always said Newcastle, Liverpool, Glasgow, a little bit of Sheffield, actually. Industrial towns. And Belfast as well. Belfast. Industrial towns with, like, regional dialect, their own little language going on.

Yeah, and everyone just loves a party. Aye, yeah. Like last night was mad. I was going to ask you about that actually, did you go out after? Yeah, I went out, yeah. You're going out there and I fucking see if people are watching, there's an entourage, small entourage in the background of the podcast, yeah. Yeah, I've been filmed up. You're touring, right? You're moving as a unit? Yeah, yeah, it's been unbelievable. It's my first debut tour, so I've sold out everywhere up to now. Smashing it now. It's just unbelievable. Last night, as I say, obviously you popped on, so it was a...

- Monday night, full room. - Sat in the crowd, I loved hearing that man, come and see me pals. It's nice being in Glasgow, 'cause a lot of people pass through the Glasgow stand. So I've sat in, watched Glen Wall, watched SL, watched Chris Kent. When people come through that are mates of mine, I was just like the guy in, just sit in the crowd and remember, I love watching comedy. So it's meant to get in, you smashed it last night mate, congrats. - Thanks for me, thank you very much, enjoyed it. But like I say, I was made up to get you on mate, you know what I mean? It was a pleasure to have you on, yeah you've gifted. - And Tommy K was classed now, first time.

First he's hungover in the back room there, his first night in Glasgow. Do you know what was funny though, last night when me and you were at the bar and Tom was on, he's just, he got like a applause break and then after he just went...

So Glasgow, did you have a good Christmas? Aye. And just no one said anything. Fucking sailing. He just went, no then. And I couldn't figure out what it was because I was laughing so hard the fucking lot of the four of us were laughing. Because in the crowd as well, when they realised how much they'd just give you the sailing treatment, right, they died laughing at their response to you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I didn't celebrate Christmas in Scotland. It's an English holiday. You fucked it. I don't know if it was they just hadn't registered what you said or...

It's January 27th, what the fuck are you banging on? Do you have a good Christmas? It's fucking, it's fucking underway, you know what I mean? It's like, what the fuck are you saying? It's fucking bad. Aye, we were fucking dying at that. But the crowd, the crowd was so fun and all. You've got, you know, isn't that nice, right? You know, finding out your audience's sound. Yeah, yeah. Because you could draw in any fucking, in one of the cunts. I think that's, as I was like doing the sort of stuff, I come back like two years ago,

started writing it wasn't it wasn't wrote basically it's pretty much as you see last night it's all my life stories and I've lived a fucking mad life I've lived a mad life you know I was a nightclub manager for 10 years you can imagine the party situation being in and stuff and

80%, 90% of that, that's the whole hour is true. Yeah. But obviously you have to add it. You can tell it's true because you put all the other little bits in it that might not be like the fucking fastest route of a punchline, what a lie would be. Yeah, yeah. You put all the bits in that like add credit to the story so that when you get to the punchline it laughs louder because the fucking, the now that, it, it,

you validated it by leaving all the little bits in. It's class. I fucking loved it. That's the good thing, when you're listening to the story and you know it to be true, it's the best. Well, I think everyone just said to me, like the message after the show, all the shows, Newcastle stand again, it was just like...

I opened up a little pool of hot water and then I thought you can't get any bigger than that your hometown gig and then when I went to Newcastle I was like it was fucking special I'm proud of my city for that yeah yeah it was special it was really special and Glasgow last night as I say it was a Monday night do you know what I mean it's back on a January Monday night and you're thinking you're in a way fiction for me 300 miles away from home I think it's going to be tough and then last night I was just like fucking great

that last night yeah yeah what I like about Glasgow right is it doesn't matter what sort of stuff you're doing whether it's filth whether it's dark and edgy whether it's silly whether it's whimsical whether it's intelligent like as long as it's funny they're laughing they're like funny's funny we don't have like a favourite type of comedy we're going to hear you out and if it's funny we're going to laugh there's no pretentiousness of it like that yeah I think all that talent you mentioned like the ones I always have good gigs in I think it's because of relatable stuff it's just like

and what I talk about, I'm not trying to promote it or anyone like that, you know what I mean? So I know there's people who have tough times with parties and stuff like that. Like, people have been in them situations. Yeah. I can see people in the car, like, knocking their mates or something. Yeah. And I do think about, like, escorts. I was going to bring that up, actually, because you're doing stuff that's so shameful you wouldn't lie about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, you're wearing your soul when you're that honest about fucking.

You see at the start of what I'm saying, I'm like, why are we doing this? You're like, why are we doing this? And then fucking get the escort. I didn't want to give away a bit of jokes. Oh yeah, that was fine. Getting the escort to pick up cigarettes on the way to your hotel room was so fucking... It's so funny because it's so shameful. Yeah.

Your night's gone that bleak. Yeah, yeah. You're not willing to leave the hotel room. So I had to go to the shop. You're going to end up in Sarah Pascoe's bookie now if you start using prostitutes as Uber Eats. Yeah.

As I say, with the Esco thing, like last night, I said, does anyone know what Viva Street is? A bunch of lads with girlfriends. He was an old couple on the second row.

I seen him like go yeah and his wife was just looking at him and it was just so funny you know what I mean she's knocking into you and he's just messing you know it was just class mate it was very good because I got like nowhere near as damning as that was for that bloke but I felt doing the stairs on this trip as I spoke about on the last podcast so I'll not go on there again but I just looked at a lad and I was like you know when the stairs going down into Blue Velvet and he just nodded along and his lass just looked at him like what's up

It's clearly like... Have you seen the people who go around on YouTube and stuff and they go, who's this person? It's like a famous porn star. So he goes up to couples. Oh, yeah. Do you recognise this person? Oh, yeah. How do you know about that? Because it's a porn star. I never understand them relationships. I don't think I've ever been with anybody that for a second thinks I wouldn't go into the strip as I watch porn.

Yeah, there's lads that are just living this life as if they're some kind of monk.

Yeah, but I don't get the stripper thing, though, because I used to be a frequent user. I used to be a frequent user. I used to like going just for a drink, yeah. It's a waste of money. Exactly. It is a waste of money, and especially if you've got a last night. It just doesn't make any sense, really. But there's not many people in the world who's fanny I wouldn't look at for 20 quid. Someone come up into the street, went 20 quid, you'd look at me fanny. I'd start rummaging my pockets. Yeah, yeah. LAUGHTER

I'm inquisitive and curious more than anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just think, why would you go with the sippers? If you're single and you want a shag, you sort of...

That's just going again. It was weird because when we went in January, it was just because we'd done the gig. We'd been to Lady Grey's. We're back at the hotel. Well, night wasn't over, but it was over. And we're like, well, be open. And I always think it's a good pint. It's a good pint. It's a good pint. Because you're going to get a comfy seat. Yeah. Being an old man here, you're going to get a comfy seat. The music will be on at a volume, but you can still talk or hear each other. Right. And the only thing is it needs to be kind of busy.

otherwise you're going to get pissed at the playlists are always boss as well it's always proper like rap music and R&B like thousands early thousands yeah early thousands when we're still like Ja Rule and R. Kelly and that before these I'll start from P. Diddy

a lot of them are good guys yeah yeah yeah alright PTMX but the only thing like I used to it is a good point because I used to work in nightclubs and stuff you'd finish at say 3, 4am and the only places that are open until 6am are mostly strippers

so you go there for your pint after work but it's just them coming over and asking all the time and you're just like I'm just trying to have a chat and they're just like what the fuck are you doing in here and you're just trying to talk to your mate you'll sometimes just have a chat with them because they'll join the table you didn't want to dance but you didn't want to be rude so you have a chat with them and then you feel like you're wasting their time you feel like you've got them on a clock and you're like you just want to sit just at

heads up i'm not going to get a dance because i've just bought a pint and i'm chilling with my mates but like i will carry chatney if you want there's something that play like the uh the thingy card where they'll be like oh i've got i've got to pay me we've got to pay me a settle tonight like you're not a taxi driver i've never had any i've got me a rent you know because you have to pay like rents to the club don't they you're in there oh yeah yeah i did actually i did like i just never crossed my mind i don't know how it works oh yeah my friends told me like i don't know what

So do they like...

pay rent on being there yeah and then they have to make the certain amount yeah to pay the club yeah and then everything like a taxi I thought it would be like us with a venue where you got like a 70-30 split or 80-20 you just agree a split beforehand yeah and then everything that you get they skim I can imagine and then they'll get it and they'll have an agent cut I can imagine some though I can imagine some would be like that but I mean the ones that

my friend told me about yeah what's I go to my friend my friend Monique yeah my friend Mercedes was telling us about this no they have to pay your friend's going to buy a strip at Tony's is that what happened yeah they have to pay like a say like a house fee you know what I mean like 150 quid or something aye and then after whatever they make after that you know what I mean yeah fair enough they must make some money though

No, no, Tuesday night, I reckon. See, it didn't seem that busy. Match day? Match day, I reckon, the McBank. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Saturdays, I think Saturdays. Especially in towns like Liverpool and Newcastle, because it's all out of town stuff, isn't it? And stag do's and stuff like that. Aye. But, yeah. So how long did you do Naid Club? You didn't work in a Naid Club any more, did you? No, no, no. You're doing your stand-up and your podcast style, your full name, Hustle News. Is that something you've done all your life? Like, did you get into that? No, I started stand-up, didn't I? Started with Paul and stuff when I was 18.

Oh right so you I started when I was 18 in Hot Water Oh fucking hell I didn't realise that Yeah I'd done Hot Water's like second ever gig Did you? Above the Crone? Envy it was Was it? So Crone was the second venue? Second venue yeah I was well before that yeah I was 18 It was what 15 years ago yeah 33 no? Class And then I'd done it for a few years

And then, er, there's obviously, you're chasing fucking money, aren't you? Like, and it doesn't pay when you start off, obviously. It's odd, isn't it? That guy always called it the suicide miles because, like, I'd be fucking driving for, like, I'd finish graft and then drive, like, say, when I was in Blythe, near Newcastle, I would, like, drive to Glasgow for, like, a weekend of gigs, right? And then, er, even though I've got a hotel and I'm going to be there the next day, I'd have to come back to do my shift.

So I'd drive back in a daily shift and then I'd drive back to Glasgow again and do that. And I remember one time I just didn't have the fucking legs for the journey home and I ended up sleeping in Gretna services and set me alarm for like whatever, half five in the morning so I could do the rest of the drive to start work. People don't see it like that, do they? But obviously I didn't really venture out, to be honest. I could have given it a good go to start but I was just doing it for...

I just love... I'm not a big fan of stand-up, but I love doing stand-up, if that makes sense for you, mate. I found in Liverpool, there's a load of comics that tend not to leave Liverpool. There's a stigma around that as well. Scotland has got that as well, as a whole, which is a bit bigger, but population-wise, it's still not that big. There's a lot of Scottish comics that have barely crossed the border and gigged down in England. But yeah, I have found that there's some...

Scouse Act I'll only gig with in Liverpool and then I'll just not see them run down the circuit is that a big thing or is that I think yeah I think it is I think there's a stigma in Ireland as well but I think it's I think because it's so there's so much on in Liverpool as well you know what I mean and obviously if you're in with Hotwater and stuff it's probably the biggest club in the country so if

if you're in there and it depends on people. There's not just coach comedians who just love doing it and trying to look for a career. That's it. If you're doing it part-time, like, you know, if you've got a job as well, there's enough work to do it as a side hustle in Liverpool and without ever having to leave Liverpool. If you're going to work Monday to Friday and then you're just like every other weekend you're popping up and doing some stuff, there is enough to do that. Well, that was me for years, exactly doing that stuff, just taking little side things. And you're kind of going too far away because you've got an A club to open. Yeah, and then...

and I couldn't have weekends off, obviously, you know what I mean? But then I stopped doing stand-up for about 10 years. So I'd come back once a year, and I'd just retire after that, just do one night. It's always around my birthday. I'd

I come back and do a show, sell out a show. Yeah. I just do it, just for me. Yeah. And then I just stop again. So how long is this to you then, what you're doing? Is this the most you've stretched your legs? Yeah, well, to be fair, no, because since I've come back two years ago, I have done the circuit, but I've just kept my head down quiet and just grafted. And getting a belt at a show together. Yeah, yeah, thank you. Yeah, it's just, I just,

I just thought to myself I was worried that my material wouldn't land outside Liverpool because of me being in Liverpool all the time you know what I mean so I ventured out and the stuff I was saying was going to these towns that were very similar cities very similar

and it was just getting a boss response and the show come together then and then obviously hot water hot water comedies it's it's that they present my tour so it's 50-50 with us yeah yeah so it's bosses being backed by them yeah and they now at the date as well because they've had like fucking the tour with Paul for like from the from the grassroots to the fucking arena so whatever stage you're at in touring they've done it already it's a perfect match and obviously I've I've I've

being with them since I was 18 you know what I mean so you know what's classic about the level where touring at is it's comedy club sized venues and there's no better there's no better than performing at comedy clubs it's still overwhelming like I can ask the lads here after gigs and that I'm just like this is fucking mad like because I've skipped the whole

Like the shaker kind of thing. Yeah. You know, the graph for you. Yeah, because I remember my first ever Glasgow stand experience, right, would have been back in like 2009 for Red Raw coming up to day five minutes. Yeah. And I remember like just that feeling like I've just been fucking dunked in cold water and I've gotten out and I'm like, like I've been in a plunge pool, you know, like it's a fucking, it's a class comedy club and that fucking response coming at you. I had that with hot water down there. Yeah. It's like, it's so. But for you to just come in

Miss that plunge pool feeling at the start. Miss the gradual excitement of the progression. Because their progression is very much like there's a 10 spot, there's a 15 spot, there's a 20 spot, there's a 25 spot. And that progression works very much like climbing a tree, right? And you've just went straight in at the top of that tree with the touring show. That must have been fucking a buzz for you. As I say, it's just unbelievable. At the end of shows, I'll always...

speak to everyone that's come and got a ticket you know if they want a photo or whatever like that or just say thank you for coming because it's just so overwhelming it's just mad like there's

selling out these clubs that I've never gigged in before. It's just mad. When did it pop? When was the point when you were like, oh, fucking hell now I can tour? So I think it's obviously because of the start of the podcast. It's the Hot Water Green Room podcast. But when was the tipping point for that? Was there a specific reel? Was it a gradual slow build? Do you know what it was? It was just...

Jamie's, Jamie's obviously was active, very active. I personally believe he's the best actor in the country. He's fucking unbelievable. Do you know what as well? He's like fucking duck's legs, you know, that fucking thing. You don't even see how hard the duck's working because it's just floating across the top of the water but his legs are grafting. He is one of them people where he just looks and acts publicly like a slob. Yeah, yeah. But he fucking grinds, man. He's got such a good work ethic. Really admirable. Honestly, I think he is the best actor in the country. I've said it a few times. He's...

He's unbelievable. He's so quick-witted as well. Either I haven't seen it or does he not put stand-up clips online either? No, he doesn't do it. If you want to see stand-up, you have to see him live. That's his biggest thing, yeah. I've dabbled with stuff. I started MCing and stuff like that, but I just didn't really like it, you know what I mean? There's some bits because I never record any of my sets. Yeah.

I never record any of my sets. I don't know if it would make us a bit more self-conscious. I should date, because the more you date, the more you'll date. But there's always just little bits of fucking crowd work where you're dating and you're like, fucking should have recorded that. I was talking the other day, me two, I showed up last from New Orleans.

And I just was like, what do you think of our storms the other day? Pretty cute, wasn't it? Fucking Hurricane Katrina. And we just locked down everything. There's bin lids fly open or whatever. There's a carrier bag up a tree. And I was just like, oh, what a fucking sweet, like, wild storms going on to the last from there. And I'm like, oh, it's gone, man. They're the moments that are in the room. They're lost to the ether. Just let them happen. I think it was that thing last night with Tom.

You know what I mean? I think, like, my other mate Tom as well said, you had to be there. It was one of those funny moments where it was just like, that's that, you know what I mean? Just being in the room. And the way he took up his boss and he just went, no, then. Like, it was just, the time was perfect. Yeah. We all just burst out laughing. It was so funny. But then, like, I just, them bits, they used to always just be in the room and now they end up getting, like, kind of bottled and put on the internet. And they're never quite as good secondhand like that. But, yeah. So, basically, what happened with me going on tour then, it was...

So Jamie's obviously, so I've been doing the Hot Water Greenery podcast for three years. I'd just come back and just start up. Hey, well, just trying to get back into it again. Paul, the owner of Hot Water's rang me and said, do you want to start a podcast with Jamie? And I never met Jamie before.

Oh, you hadn't? No. Oh, fucking hell. You would assume that he's our best pals. Oh, we are now. We're like family now, you know what I mean? Because as you know, with Sloss and that. Yeah, because I kind of got paired up with him in a similar way where we barely knew each other before the first two hours. And by the end of the first two hours, we were like best pals. You have to be because you...

Because you're spending so much time with them and you're open up to them. More time than you'd spend away away. It'd be weird if you weren't. You know what I mean? So we get prone in a room together, me and Jamie. Never met each other. So the beauty of our podcast is if you go back to episode one,

And you watch still now. You see it blossom. You're getting to know each other. Yeah. It's like it's glass, you know what I mean? I would love to listen to it. I might even actually go back and listen from the start and just wait for the point where one of you crossed the line and went, oh, that's all right. We can get away with that. I don't need to wear these gloves I've been wearing for the first few... If anyone's...

who listens to this and listens to ours they'll tell you like it's it's weird there's no holds barred in us now like oh it's class I've loved it every time I've been on it I've been on it for a few years best guest mate class but with the podcast then the podcast obviously blew up we're backed by Hot Water obviously biggest biggest comedy club in I'd say in the world to be honest you're backed by them Jamie's unbelievable I've just come back so it's just like oh it was Jamie's mate and then I've had to like

like to improve yourself or, you know, like work a bit extra hard. And obviously that's my fault for being out of the game for so long. You know what? I've had like a decent enough crossover with Daniel that like his audience have come to my show because a few of them have seen us with him. And so you'll have had that with Jamie as well. But that, that,

like they're your crowd but that's somebody you've borrowed them yeah yeah but then you start getting your own crowd when you start going off on your own and it's a different group of people so Jamie ended up selling out his first UK tour 14,000 tickets on his own which was stupid yeah mental like unheard of so then

I'm just just working the circuit then and getting a 20 ready you know what I mean I don't know progressing hot water a lot you know what I mean obviously because I'm there all the time and start getting a book to close hot water and stuff and that's they're all big moments for me yeah I missed all that didn't I yeah this is you doing the progression yeah I'm closing the big room in hot water in the new in the new site and

There's 600 people here. That's me whole time. And I'm like, this is fucking unbelievable. You know what I mean? I get to New Year's Eve at Hot Water and I'm fucking going to all the lads. I'll be booked for New Year's Eve. So that was you years and years ago. You know what I mean? That feeling of momentum when the email comes and it's an acceptance. Yeah, yeah. Because every gig application is like a job application. Every time you get given the spot, it's like being accepted for the job. Exactly, yeah. And you're just going through that process over and over and over every week. So then the...

to all the podcasts especially the Patreon we've got a big Patreon now and they were just all saying Wednesday, Saturday and to be fair it was then when I was podcasting for the first year I wasn't really doing stand-up just podcasting doing an odd gig but like I mean two years and you're grafted with a podcast as well because you're in there like twice a week is it that you're doing so we record we do two episodes a week and one live show we do a live show every Friday every Friday fucking hell

And that's just me moving to the big room this Friday because it's all like 250 tickets or something. And you're just like, this is crazy. So that's getting some good momentum now. Yeah, so it's just all starting to snowball. That's a belt of residency to have, like a Friday at Hot Water. Me and Jamie said, we may as well take it because it's a Friday gig, basically, in your calendar for all year. So when I first...

done the podcast the first year oh everyone's going get back into stand-up Tony and I was like and I had a podcast like nah fuck stand-up hate it you know what I mean like but just obviously playing it and then started going back into it wrote a good 20 and then just fell back and loving it again and you know you just keep going and going and then I said to myself I'll try and do a little mini tour you know what I mean and then I approached Hot Water they were made up they were happy to back me

And then we've just extended it now for an extra 20 dates. 20 dates. Oh, class, where can people see you then? So I'll be back up here again. Oh, good. Because this would have been a good one to plug these gigs. Yeah, yeah. Because you've done Glasgow last night and Edinburgh tonight. Yeah, yeah. But this is going to come a day or two after you've gone. But you're going to be coming back here? Yeah, I'll be back in Glasgow. Oh, class. So hopefully they'll be able to date on your website.

Yeah, it's going to be hotwatercomedy.com.uk, yeah. But I'll be back in the stands up here. And as I say, the show's got something for everyone, I think. It's really funny, man. You know what I love as well? You're just going off on little silly bits, like singing fucking Leanne Reams. Someone insulted you with a two-pack line. It's this little fucking silly... It's where I fucked your bitch, you fat motherfucker.

What it's like, it's like watching something that's like real and then there's just a cartoon character in it. There's just a cartoon moment in it. That's my sense of humour coming out. My personal sense of humour. Because I've been an hour on stage, by the way, I've gone from a 20, yeah, to be a fucking tot to do this all. I've been an hour on stage

I've got to keep myself entertained because that's what I'm like. So I just say little lines like that to make myself laugh. And they see that I'm enjoying myself, they enjoy themselves. And then I've kept lines when I've just riffed and then I've put them in my set now, you know what I mean? I was telling you yesterday, when you come off, you check your time on your phone. Yeah, yeah. Well, the way to watch it, check your time on your phone. But because you have such a personable, your mate in the pub, that's just fucking making everybody laugh. That film just looks like you're checking your text messages.

It looks like you couldn't keep a flying fuck. I got my phone out, so it's looking. It just went quiet, and I just went, talk amongst yourselves. You know, just stuff like that. And there was one bit where you forgot the word for something. Instead of just glossing over it, you fucking just deep-dived for the word. You're like, how am I? What's the word? You're in the shower. You're trying to think about something, but it's not thinking, and someone went, like, someone just went... Imagination or something. Yeah, imagination. You're like, nearly. Manifest. Close, but too far. You went too far. The...

Pulled back from manifest, visualise, visualise. That's the one, yeah. I wasn't even joking. You think somebody would have just maybe stood their way through that. You went, I forgot what's on my mind. I'm not going to be shy about that. Do you know what that is though? It's just, it's no fear of dying on stage. I've just got no, I've got no fear of it anymore. As well, I think that comes with the fact that you're not going to die in front of the love of you.

Yeah, you want them up, aren't you, to be fair, whether it's your energy. But you've got your own club, you've got your own family. They're going to laugh at your personality regardless of if you're fumbling around trying to find the word visualiser or if you're giving them a really well-written structured bit, which you give them both of on one night. They're going to just love being in your company, so that's class now. And have you had any, this is loaded, right, because I had a fucking wild day yesterday, but have you had any hatred online from the stuff you put out?

Yeah, all the time. Aye, what have you had to deal with? So...

I don't have TikTok no I don't have the app because the comments on there is ruthless I've seen them like just say you put a clip out you can have like 50 comments everyone's saying oh funny this whatever and then one's just like look at this big fat ugly cunt that must be so tedious because there'll not be a single fat joke you've never heard do you know what the funniest thing was yeah like this is hilarious I on YouTube when the episodes go out public episodes on the podcast gets a call off my dad

about two in the morning. Right. I'm like, what do you want? He's like, son, I've been arguing with your trolls all night. Two in the morning? I said, what? Does he normally stay up that late? Oh, is that especially for the trolls? Yeah, he's fucked, lad. He's miles off at least. Son, son, I've been arguing with your trolls all night. He's been off his face. I said, what are you on about? He said, on YouTube, on that YouTube, I've been giving a back and I realised my dad's got the same name as me.

So it looks like I'm fucking coming back. Tony Jr. Yeah. He's Tony Carroll. So his YouTube name is Tony Carroll 4542. So he's famous for people like you? No, it looks like me, doesn't it? I'm replied with this shit banter. Oh, yeah. Dying on my arse because of my dad. That's so fucking funny. That's humiliating. It was just like that sentence. It did break my heart because he was like, I've been arguing with you trolls. I was like, fuck it, I've got trolls, man. It's saddening.

But yeah Honestly do you know what I don't do now? Honestly I just

don't read anything they're not bad because it doesn't affect you then because there's been times when i've read loads of good stuff and you get a bit of a fucking chip out your coffee and that yeah that's it if you get if you get butthurt by the bad stuff and then you get fucking excited about the like the nice stuff it's an emotional roller coaster isn't it it's best to just find yourself this is the price we pay for what we do it's the price we pay for what we do aye and it's kind of nice because it's like as much as you didn't want to be cunted off for

like every minute of the day online, it is the fact that you've got people's attention. Yeah. And some people don't like the fact you've got people's attention, so they're trying to bring it to you. And it's a tall poppy thing, isn't it? Yeah. I don't think I do this because we've had shit online. But every time I see someone stand up or something online that's not funny, I just don't laugh and just scroll past it. I've never had the means to go, well, I'll send it to your mate in box and go, get your shit. Right.

You know, if you're going to be a snide, at least do it behind curtains, you know what I mean? Don't put a line. I'd love to. I thought of this as a fucking sitcom idea, right? But I haven't got the fucking, like, capacity to go and write a script. Like, I just, I didn't have sitting doing it at the computer and fucking with glasses on, typing away, right? But I think it would be a classic come idea, right? To just, like,

actually fucking gan after the trolls. Like, you know, if somebody leaves a fucking snide remark on your thing, just gan through that Facebook look and gan to that pub like he's in there and just fucking stalk them doing it and make the thing. You've just been a psycho and then just with a handful of dog shit just rub it in their face. Rub it in their face, right? And then cut you being in therapy telling them how good it made you feel. Yeah, yeah, that's close. But like everything's just like this. I think it would be a good sitcom because it would be like a low stakes action movie.

Where like, it would be like, you're this fucking serial killer mind criminal, but all your day is just fucking up. People that have just said your comedy shite. The troll hunter. The troll hunter, aye. Just troll hunting and just getting a proper buzz out of it. Can I start it? There could be a little, aye, I'm kind of waiting for a shite in your face. Can I use real shite for the reaction? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was expecting to be the fucking, I was expecting to be, I was expecting to be the main character guy. I'm not a fucking troll.

Because you're going to have like twisted turns, isn't it? Where like...

your lass thinks you're cheating because you're fucking sneaking around your hours on your four-year-old news. There's loads of little things off of it, yeah. And then she, yeah, like, she thinks she's rumbly and cheating so you let her in on it and now she's in on it and it's Bonnie and Clyde in the fucking two of you. And you just go out together. Two of you, I can't do anything about just fucking killing trolls. Killing trolls. Killing trolls. I just think it would be so class, just like fucking really petulant over something that they said that like, that they probably can't even remember saying because they've said about 20 other things on the internet. They don't know who it is that fucked them up.

I think it would be a good social commentary. There's been times where boxers and that on Twitter have found addresses haven't they and they've knocked on and people have moved houses and stuff like they've shit themselves that's class. Do love a troll getting called out. When I was getting shite yesterday because I went after the king of the knuckle draggers so I said fuck Tommy Robinson at the start of a bit right and then fucking said something like pro-Islam

Right? It's just asking for it. You know, I put that on when they were rioting in Sunderland and looting Greggs, right? Like back in December. And it didn't really pop, right? Like it just got an amount of views and then fizzled out. And then it must have got shared on a forum.

or something some right wing forum or something in just every cunt right just fucking pop the dinghies on Facebook or something and fucking share that avenue yeah mad cloud that place me lads was like are you not worried that like some of them are going to turn up at shows because it's going to be quite easy to find you and see where you are and I was like that would be the worst place to get us 280 Jordies in a room with us when you fucking turn up you're going to get kicked the fuck yeah

11? What, come to Punch Drunk and fly? Are you kidding us? Will people let him fucking die for us in the room? Let him think, see? These people are just keyboard warriors, mate. It never comes back at all. Yeah, so it was mad because it got to the point where I was starting to obsess over it, right? Because it was just every second there was another 20. It was like it started like...

You know, every time you refreshed it, there was new notifications. And then it got to the point where my followers had caught wind of it, so they were fighting them in the comments. None of them were called Kai Humphries, thankfully. Wait till I make an account later. I made somebody with a Twitter account with the same name as me started defending Adam Johnson.

the nuns from Sunderland and Rob Beckett's brother I brought it up to Rob because I was at football in London with Rob Beckett I was there he goes there there's someone with your name down at me brother I said I thought he said Kai was sound he's a fucking cunt look at this so people were believing it was me yeah well my name's very popular with jockeys so I'm fucked there aren't I I don't know who that one of me yeah

Yeah, horse trainers, Tony Carroll. Tony Carroll, is that it? Irish name, isn't it? Mate, just for the sake of the camera, I'm going to bring this blind student because you've got a shadow right on your face, right, just there, and you look like Batman. Fat man! Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm sort of nude. So it was mad because I just got to the point where I couldn't, I'd been looking at my phone for about two hours, right? Just refreshing it and reading the comments. See, I've never had it that bad, but I mean, like I've had screenshots of comments, you know what I mean? Just get your opinions and stuff, but I've never done anything online where it's went. The one that is dead. Those people that genuinely were saying that I should be hanged as a traitor.

for like fucking being a traitor to the country and all that like there's people like someone called me fucking because you said fuck Tommy Robinson uh huh right so the joke was fuck Tommy Robinson my wife's from a Muslim family my football team was owned by a Muslim country Islam's brought me nothing but tits and Champions League football that's a fucking lie that's fucking funny it's just a fucking lie that's a

Just enjoy it or don't. Like, give a fuck. And it was like, there was fucking someone calling me, me fucking pack your slut wife or something. It was like shit. I don't know. I was like going back to her country. Then I was like, Scotland. Yeah, I know. Just like you can't get a British last or something. I'm like, it's just fucking British. George Madd, all these people are when their families are fucking...

in hospital dying and stuff. Yeah. It's, you know, it's immigrants who fucking saved their lives, you know what I mean? And they just, and it's okay then. Do you know what it is? Because these people that we're seeing, I should be, like, hanged for treason and shit, right? These are people that I think, I think Tommy Robinson's like, er,

trying to fight to stop paedophile rings, these Muslim paedophile rings or whatever. Did you forget everything else that he stands for from 10 years ago? But what they're doing is they're racist people who are using the fact that, oh, I'm defending a paedophile ring if I'm racist now. I'm attaching valour to my racism. So now it looks like I'm a good guy because fucking everybody hates paedos, right? We're going after paedos. Man, the fucking paedophile ring court here in Glasgow, that's all over the news at the minute, it's in the BBC. Where the fuck's Tommy Robinson?

they're white, he couldn't give a flying fuck about kids. He couldn't give a fuck. He's like, oh, that doesn't suit the narrative of what my knuckle draggers are trying to follow. I've seen a stat on Twitter, it was like 90% of people are white, British. Imagine there was fucking somebody shouting on that fucking, we are responsible for the actions of Jimmy Savile.

We'd just be like, fucking who's that daft cunt? It's not going to clean out, fuck that cunt. So I'm just saying, fuck that cunt. You're literally just attaching something to racism to try and validate it. So fuck the cunt. Yeah, that's why, yeah. Because me and Jamie's a United fan as well and I'm a Liverpool fan. So obviously you can imagine there'd be loads of stuff there we could delve into. But we just don't talk football politics. Do you not? Just because...

of that because you can't win they're just trolls themselves and it's just you've seen footballers with some football fan bases mate you're just like I slagged off Scottish football man and that was nearly as bad as yesterday and it was such a fucking shite joke and I was like I love living up here you can get a taxi to the football and watch a taxi driver play it's a shite joke but it's like it's just one of their worst like I'm not gonna fucking I'm not gonna defend my joke but like

They were moving to hate record. I got for that. I was mad. But that's what's fucking crazy about it. The only time... It's not about football politics. It's just fucking mad. The only time I've offended people to the point that they've, like...

they've poured on us like cancelled the platform kill them right is is knuckle drag as who would fucking say you can't say anything anymore i bet every one of them comes from yesterday would call me woke for my opinion yeah yeah yeah they're yeah they're they're going you can't say that they've been fucking snowflakes it's gone full circle of course like fucking mate how can you be that offended by something yeah

but I have it's fizzling out a little bit now but I still not there on my phone but that's what's I can't wait to make that I can't wait to end it in a minute Kai Humphries 123 have you had that yet where Kai Humphries fan page like account gets made I had a no context Tony Carroll and I'm glad it stopped because it was ruthless oh was it

I can be taken out of context quite a lot. Does it? It looks bad. You look terrible. I'm glad that stopped. I should have said that. Someone else is going to make it up. Someone else is going to do it. That does actually sound fan-made, though. I'm on about this chatbot kind of ones, the one that go like, Kai Humphries online chat, and they'll comment, go and DM me or whatever, and then they'll try and fucking sell tickets. Oh, tickets, yeah. I got off the tour stuff. I had people in the comments saying,

hi I've got two tickets for tonight and you click on the profile they had no friends you're like you're a fucking liar it's obviously it's a bot in it thing you know what I mean I always like Paul Smith get to the worst I periodically put on I'm just going to have to rely on you having common sense

I'll delete them when I see them. I'll report them when I see them. But I'm just going to have to rely on you. You can't police that all day, every day. If you're buying tickets from the comedy club or the website or the ticket master, if the link's coming through my website, you're going to get your tickets, right? If you're going through fucking chatbots and comments on, like... You deserve to be robbed. Yeah, there's a little... You deserve to be robbed. I didn't like to say that. I didn't like to say it.

I'd rather have your money. I'd rather have your money, you dumb fuck. But aye, there's a bit of that. Yeah, fuck yeah. So yeah, my first time in Scotland. Saw Edinburgh tonight. I was meant to tell you, that fucking lager. Is it tenants, is it called? Aye, aye. It's fucking thick, that, isn't it? Do you like it? It's like gravy. Aye.

proper thick beer yeah oh mate I had a back wheel it still goes down well though yeah well the first one was a struggle it still flows and then the next six were boss you know what I mean do you want another beer by the way yeah we've also got one here yeah yeah start early in Scotland yeah as you can see some of the lads are going over

So you went out in Glasgow last night then? Yeah, we went to this boss pub. It was funny as well. Were you at the garage? What? Was there a big juggernaut hanging out the side of it? No, we went to an Irish bar called... What was it called? Kitty O'Shea's? Kitty O'Shea's, right. Fucking class. Boss bar. It was like students later on after the show and stuff. After the show, we went there. Do you lighten up where you're going to your fans as well and hang out with them? I hope...

If you ask John, if you talk to John, he'll tell you, I always, always will have a pipe with the fans and get a pitch and that, just because...

I've sold you it's still fucking processed the amount of spores I've got so I'm very grateful do it while you can as well because we've always done that on slosses too we've always done meet with NQ64 or whatever arcade spots are the best because you can have a chat with someone a pint with someone but you can break away and go and play some pinball it means you can just float around a little bit as well it does get overwhelming when there's like 100 people and you're just like yeah it gets to thousands of people and you're like we better fucking just like some people might find work

and we'll hang out with them but it used to be that we'd meet everybody after the shows and then it got a little bit you seen that last night didn't you I made sure I just stood by the end of the door and just thanked everyone who got bored sick and stuff because obviously times are hard and stuff so it's just to appreciate people it's nice getting photos with people and they always like then post that on social media and people see you yeah it's better for you as well they're more likely I don't want to be cynical about it but they're more likely to shout out your show if they've got a photo with you yeah of course I saw Tony last night and I had a picture with me and Tony

the amount of messages I've been getting as well you know after the shows and stuff and your message requests and that and 15, 20 sometimes more a night and it's just a great show last night and it's just when you wake up the next day especially when you don't go over it's nice to see you know what I mean it's nice isn't it you know what I mean you just had a mad night went to that Kitty O'Shea's last night after the show all the lads there it was boss what time were you out now got to bed about 5 this morning 5 this morning was it on the big yeah

I was out at five. You think I've been a tenant until five? I asked who that tenant was. I went to Kitty O'Shea's and as soon as you walked in, there was no one in there, right? Just a man at the bar. A man at the bar. Stood up, seeing me. I went...

mate I'm a massive fan I went oh did you enjoy the show what show oh yeah biggest fan ever yeah but he had to be in the show but he was fucking sound as fella great and he went get on this I went oh he was like me mate and I was like oh and he went

I've just played key in the box you know like them pub games where you get like 7 keys in a box and you pick a key and if it fits the box you win the prize and he won 500 quid 5 minutes before I walked in good lad he went do you want a pint it was like go ahead son he's got all the lads around and then he's having a belly

he was on his own he's won 500 puns he loves off the internet he's drinking with him he got so he was on a well that's why I was up till five this morning he got he

he was on his own and then he'd come over to our like in our table stuff and all that and spend the night with us and he was fucking proper Sam wasn't he proper class fella so shout out to you can't remember your name you save your number in your phone but I can't even remember your name to look for it but he was fucking honestly if you're watching or you ever come across it thank you for the points thank you for the hook up as well you haven't got shit like that in London well actually I'm doing I think I'm doing a theatre in London is it called Leicester Square

You're not a Soho actor? No, no, I don't think so, no. I've done Soho theatre before. I always feel a bit of an imposter when I get into Soho theatre. I just fucking own it. But I'm going down to London because I've been getting a lot of shit. Yeah. Because I'm king of the North, aren't I? And they're saying I'm too scared to go down to London. All my Southern fans are saying, you and Jamie are pussies, you just won't come down here. Scared of London? No, fucking scared of London. With all your dungarees. Fuck off. Yeah.

I'm going to go down here though I spoke to Paul obviously about what I said we're going to go down here yeah we'll be down here that's what I did I did it with Elliot this year so last year but it's class and it's also fucking so central as well yeah yeah that means it's in Leicester Square yeah

Couldn't be more central. So yeah, you're going to have a class time doing that. And then Edinburgh, the Moran, you've never been to Edinburgh. Edinburgh tonight? Sorry, today. Because you've never been to Scotland. You've never been to Scotland. You've never been to the Fringe. You've never...

man it's it's a fucking really lush tourist city you know like drinking a side just whacking around looking at the castle and fucking going up to the princess street gardens and everything like everyone is sitting here talking about the architecture where you're talking about no I know but that's I say I'm not the kind of guy that's why I love Glasgow because I enjoyed last night mate it was just boss like because

Just all the people in the booths and stuff, it was just sad. Even the door, I was speaking to the door staff, it was fucking sad. It was just like, it was being at home. It's nice looking up at buildings in Edinburgh, right? People died making that. You know what I mean? You get fucking bricks the size of this house and they've got them all the way up there in the 1500s. There was no health and safety involved. That was bloodshed getting that brick up there. A few people being squashed there. That's why I like going to Qatar, look at the stadiums.

Oh, gosh.

Yeah, it's hard to get back on Sir Robinson's side. I think I've met people that were like, oh, try gigging out in the Middle East and see what happens there. I'm like, I've been to the Middle Eastern loads. There's not many Middle Eastern countries that haven't gigged in. Have you gigged in Dubai? I have a bunch of times. I have gigged in Qatar. I've, aye, it's class. I've gigged in Abu Dhabi, gigged in Bahrain. Is Qatar the one where you can't have a bevy? Eh, you know what, I did have a bevy. But... Real start applies to Guy. I think...

I think it's rules don't apply to Westerners who are in the hotels. You can take in hotels, can't you? Yeah, it's a big hotel culture. I'm not like Vegas, but like Vegas. It's not like Vegas, but you do feel like you've got your own little part of the world when you're in the hotel. What's Dubai like? I've had a bit of time there. It's a bit soulless. It's a bit like, I wouldn't like to live there. I definitely couldn't. It's mad, isn't it? There's lots of influencers over there now, isn't there? Giant shopping centre kind of vibe. Yeah. Yeah.

yeah I just I couldn't live there I just couldn't live I am a city city like a proper dungy city boy you know what I mean I'm a fucking I'm a reprobate you know what I mean I could be walking around Dubai mate you know what I mean on the shopping malls yeah the massive like fucking shark tank massive shark tank in the shopping mall I want to be in a whorehouse you know what I mean with a bag of coke yeah you'd probably do that in Dubai

didn't have a guitar saudi i doubt it don't you get that sound right if you get caught over there with drugs you get you get yeah that's the thing isn't it you know um flying into singapore uh they were like

don't bring any like fucking if you've got like any cannabis edibles or whatever just don't bring them in like you fucking like even if you've got them onto the flight fucking leave them like there you can't even chew gum out there man seriously you can't chew gum like the whole place is fucking immaculate and chewing gum is illegal like they're really fucking strict on so many rules but

but everything works but you're like there's a grim undertone to the fact that everything works everything's clean everything's on time everything's smooth something's wrong something's wrong with that isn't it I do that you know do you like dead happy people as well I go you can't be that happy yeah

you know what I mean people who are extremely like there's a Robin Williams fucking undertone to the whole thing yeah it's like you've got fucking you've got a past you know what I mean so anything that's dead clean like that I'm like this is fucked up you know what I mean there's something going on here yeah so Singapore's got that kind of feeling but then Dubai is that where somebody had like a fucking cannabis seed in their shoe

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Was it like a fucking singer or a DJ or something? It was a DJ. Someone quite famous had a cannabis seed in that train hat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fucking unlucky, that man. How fucking unlucky is that? Are you kidding? Where did that come from? What did it come from? There were times you would have stood on something like that and it just stays on the ground as you whack off. And he's just going, I'm going to send you to jail, you cunt. And he just has a fucking ride on his train hat.

yeah no I couldn't go to places like that couldn't because I've like I'm sure like people just take drugs by accident to places like you know it's still in your jacket pocket like oh whatever but if you do if you do that anywhere like that you've got to just fucking deep dive all your pockets yeah yeah definitely I always you know like if I'm going abroad and stuff and you put your bag in obviously it goes to the security and you know when your bag goes to the left and there's you know there's something in the bag and then you need to swab it

I just...

a flap right you know there's nothing there but I'm thinking there's like coke residue on my top or something that hasn't washed properly and it's just all gone on my head and then I'm realising fucking the stuff I get mate it's fucking like washing powder anyway you know what I mean it's not going to flag up on their system you know what I mean yeah coming back from Bestival which was on the Isle of Wight I had to fly from Southampton and they fucking started swabbing my iPad right and I was like oh that's been the fucking plate that has been the plate for the whole fucking festival right and then he swabbed it cleared it gives it back and I went it's not like me leave any

My last thing I've done drugs-wise in a country where it's reprehensible is I went and done a drug deal in Sri Lanka where dealing is punishable by death. They might not have killed me, but I would have been in trouble. But the guy selling us the drugs, I bought pills off a guy and ended up going waist deep in the wad to do the deal.

It was fucking... You done a deal in the water? I done a deal. I just whacked out until, like, there's nobody around where that could possibly bust. Like, you just gone for a swim? Like, we're going for a swim, right? That's genius. It was on fucking Christmas Eve and I'm fucking waist deep in the water getting fucking pills off this fucking Sri Lankan guy. And it's just you, Sue? I just met him in the sea. It was fucking brilliant. Did he say, come in the water? Aye. And you're like, alright, it's...

well that's fucking strong so man I'm hard girls in the body that's the best drug deal ever it's genius as well because if you're a police man you're walking down the beach yeah you're not gonna go you've been holding your breath look at them two they're drug dealing in the water would you if I was a drug dealer I'd wear a suit all the time

and a briefcase would that not just do you just disguise yourself as a drug dealer yeah I don't like a fucking security guard I don't fucking quicksave you know what I mean I always quicksave's still going quicksave I was a blast from the past I don't know why I just said quicksave I'd forgot about quicksave until you said it because that wasn't the same like level as little and Aldi wasn't it yeah yeah but Netto dropped off Netto's gone they got relegated a long time ago what about Heron Heron Foods Heron damn that quicksave you just got a Heron though

No. We've got a hell of a memory. I shop differently since I met my wife. Do you, Will? So you think dressing in a suit would throw off the scent? I just think me, yeah. I think me in a suit.

I think there would be something that looked like drug dealing about wearing a suit. Even though I've never bought drugs off anyone wearing a suit. When I worked for the council, when I started stand-up and I used to get the bus, I used to, you know, like a weekly saver. Yeah.

I used to just bunk on the bus because I had a suit on the driver was looking at me tying my suit and wasn't looking at the pass you know what I mean so I used to just get fucking through the bus side but then I always thought imagine if I got caught I'd be embarrassed in that wouldn't I just in the jail cell with your suit on quite uncomfortable as well nothing to say even one pound don't think they'd put me in a cell for that I thought you were still drug dealing not just fair dodging yeah just fair dodging yeah

I'm not even asking what you're in for. What are you, funked the AC down? Yeah, I asked for a half. I was under 16. Child's fair. If ever I'm somewhere overseas, like a party town like Nalbifera or Benidorm or something like that and I'm looking for drugs, I'll always ask the doorman.

Because the doorman are the people that they try and hide from, but they're the people that fucking know who's selling what. I always say it. If you want drugs anywhere in the world, you'd ask a bartender. Because it's so rife in that game, mate. Everyone who works beyond bars. Because you're not making quite enough money. Yeah, it's not even that. I think everyone uses, because of the lifestyle. Because when you work in a bar, you're around alcohol. Alcohol leads to...

Aye. Do you know what I mean? So I think every time it got away, I just asked a bartender me. I don't know, but he's all right. I always thought that it would be career suicide, but if you're up at the fringe, the one way you could make money is by dealing. Yeah. Like, it's fucking so...

like everybody's looking for it there's this influx of people the population doubles and like and of course the comics as well a lot of comics have adult era in fucking artist bars and people are flashing a bit of money around and stuff even though they might not be fucking making any fucking trying to look like they're doing well I was just trying to buy a bag out of your bucket chair yeah

really though yeah shaking your bucket so yeah do you do bucket chairs up there I've never I've always done ticket I've always done ticket always done well up there yeah yeah

You know what? I've done it smart. You've built yourself up. I've also, like, I've not really joined the shit fight of, like, big PR campaigns and massive... I have some level of street presence, but I don't overdo the street presence. Like, I make it so that, like, the threshold for making a profit is achievable, whereas some people could sell out the whole run and make a loss because they just throw so much money at, like...

at some point. And they're focused on filling it. By the way, you've still got to pay your bills. I'm never thinking about opportunity when I'm up there. I'm thinking about getting my show together, entertaining people with it, getting ready to take it on 2L. Daniel's on mine, right? A lot of people use that as a way of progress. Don't do it early. I would never call it a way of progress because I want it to be ready for them. I'd say it's the start of my 2L. It's the start of the 2L. Work in progress in the provinces. I've got Falkirk and Stirling and Paisley and D'Ali's kind of

Dumfries I did this year. Just all these smaller towns where they might not travel to the Fringe. I had a man in St Helens, you know, like a small town by Liverpool. I had a man in a back-end pub, St Helens, 40 people max. Yeah, it was great. So all of my agents' acts, which is like Connor Burns, Sloss, Craig Hill, we'll all just go and figure it out like that. And then it's off notes by the Fringe. And all the way through the Fringe, we're adding shit to it and then taking it on tour. But I'm thinking, like...

I'm doing it from home. I'm going to make a little bit of money, but then the show's going to be fucking airtight by the time I go on actual tour. Yeah. And that's what I do. I never think about like, oh, I hope fucking Taskmaster's in or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like that sort of stuff. Do you have a good night out up there? Because that's what I'd love to go. Folks, all the lads have been up on that and it's like they've all said you'd love an uptake because the night's out of us. So when I lived in Edinburgh, right, which would have been around about 2014, 2015, and even though I didn't live in Edinburgh in 2016, I stayed at Sloss's house.

10 years we went out every single night and every single night we took drugs and every like honestly for like 3 years running the fringe was just a sesh and the shows were fucking fine the shows were quite well aye we pulled it together we were very professional have you been on the stuff doing gigging like have you done a gig off

Only by accident. Only because I thought I'd done my last set and I did gear and then someone fucking ran in and went like, oh, we need someone for Mickey D's Fat Cave. And I was like, I mean, I'm available, but I'm fucking wired. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was it. It's fine. Yeah, yeah. Actually, if anything, I was like... It's happened to me once or twice and it's the same with me. I had a good gig, right? And I was like, I could have done without knowing that. Yeah. I could have done without... I could have done without bombing. Yeah.

because i had to really then psychologically deny drugs before shows i've done it in manchester me years ago we went to there like the christmas markets by 15 of the lads all in the christmas market today on the beers a few few the lads had some a lot of stuff to be honest and uh after you know like six seven pints you're like i need one but i had the gig in the night in manchester

This is about four or five at night and I thought, fuck, I'll be all right. Once I had one head and I just fucking just caned it. I was trying to cancel this gig. You know what I mean? Did you do all right? I got to get to there. I remember the promoter like, can I tell you all right? And I was just like, water. That's the first thing I said to him. And in my head I'm like, shit, he knows I'm off your barn. And he said, oh, yeah, can you get us some water, mate? Yeah. I was like, fuck. And it goes on stage, it was open and yeah.

and I got on the stage and I done my first it was just dead serious I was dead serious you know because I was fucking wired and you're trying to steal it out like when you come home drunk and your parents are fucking you're trying to steal it out yeah like that honestly I went on the stage like that I was dead serious and I remember my first joke roofing it yeah and then I was like in my head why are you all laughing at me

So you got paranoia over it now? Yeah, and then I was like, oh shit, this is what I'm meant to do. And then I just snapped out of it and I fucking, yep, and I smashed it, yeah. Oh, great. I did as well. That was about six, seven years ago. That's when I was still coming in and out, you know what I mean? Music festivals, I'll just be like, ah, they're fucked as well. I'll just join them. But generally, I'll not have a spliff before a gig. I'll not get drunk. I'll have an occasional drink before a gig, but I'll not get drunk because the accent...

I've had to work really fucking hard to be understood overseas. Like, you know, you're going to London. I said that to you last night, didn't I? I was fucking, my mind was blown. Because I was seeing you, obviously, you're real and stuff about being on a European tour. And it was just the comments of boss to see. It was just like, it was like, boss, you were in Prague last night. It must be classed that, you know, like when you're getting over and doing European stuff. That Prague one was a fucking banger, actually. I love that city as well. That was a great show, that one. But it was, it's the fact that you don't,

You can still have an accent. You just have to finish your words and not do the abbreviations that you usually would. So you have to enunciate, I guess, but you can still enunciate and have a jolly accent. The thing that's hard timing-wise and momentum-wise when you've got the show is you can't talk over them laughing or they'll stop laughing. So normally we'll ride laughter. We'll make them laugh and then tag it and tag it and just keep the laughter going as it kind of dips. Side-stop start. You have to let the laughter finish.

Otherwise you're cutting it off because they want to listen. They're in a second language. They're trying to fucking understand you. So they're like, ha ha, and then you talk again, they'll stop laughing and swallow the laugh to listen. So you realise you're doing that and you're stealing the laugh off them. Yeah, yeah. They've paid for that. Yeah, yeah. So you're like, all right, let them have their laugh and then start talking afterwards. Nice, that told me five minutes is an hour. Yeah.

It was mad because I had to cut quite a bit out. It actually worked in my favour because there was some bits, you saw a bit last night where I talked about doing the dip to choose who's it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It didn't make any sense in Eastern Europe. No matter how much I fucking tell them about it. Yeah, well, at the end of that show, I laughed my head off before. Because I'd seen it before, I just burst out laughing. I was like, no! It's cost time. Fishing with him? Yeah.

What did your dad say? He said, "Fresh, you didn't know what you're dancing?" I was like, "Oh mate, that was class." So that was like, it didn't, like, if you haven't explained that joke to anybody, it's sad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, because they used to say it. Yeah, yeah. Why don't you explain that over there, mate? Yeah, so I ended up like dropping that and I'm like, I didn't have to make up the time because everything else was, had like, you put space in it where you leave time for laughter. So you end up like, taking bits out and

leaving a bit of room and it's an hour show again and then you get back home and then it's fucking mad because you put the bits back in and then you can talk as fast as you want and you have to change gears again because you come back home and you're still doing the first part I found it hard last night I had 10 days off from the last tour date and before that I had three in a row so Tuesday Wednesday Thursday finished in Newcastle so that's all straight away I messaged you and I was like lad I don't fucking believe a lad I had 10 I could feel it through your text yeah mate I was fucking buzzing I had 10 days off and then

last night I don't get I don't get honestly I don't get nervous I don't get like I don't care I just don't care you know what I mean but I wanted to be good obviously because you know what I mean people have come out and it

I was yesterday, I was like, I can't remember my set. I couldn't remember it. I just remember your first line, not the comb. Yeah, that's what you said to me. Put the first bullet in the gun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Put the first bullet in the gun. What happened? It was a shaky, yeah, I had like a bit of a shaky start last night and then I just flew, it just flew down, you know what I mean? But I just had to, it's key words, you know what I mean? I've found what helped me

in this show and previous ones as well is writing good links if you write a link between one bit and the next then when you get to the end you know exactly what the next word is because it links you into the next set once you get into that set that goes so if you write good links when I struggled in the memory game during previews is when I hadn't wrote a good link and I get to the end and it drops off a cliff yeah yeah and I'm like fuck I don't know as you know my whole show is like very callback heavy

So it's a lot to remember, you know what I mean? Because it's lots of setups before the callback. Have you ever left out the... There's no way... It's so funny what you're doing. There's no way it's feeling when you're in the middle of a bit. Because I'm very callback heavy for my comedy. And you're in the middle of a bit and then you're halfway through and say the punchline's like, so he pissed on the tree, right? So you're halfway through a bit.

and I've just done it again just done it now just forgot me a bit like say you're a minute into a story and you forgot to do that and then that feeling you get in your head where you're like fuck I've got to finish this there's no punchline I've got to come up with either a new punchline that works I've got to duck out of it John I done that didn't I only a few weeks ago didn't I

And then I just admitted to them on stage. I just went, I forgot. I think I walked off and come back on again and done it, you know what I mean? So I can't remember which one it was. The worst one I had, which is the... Hello Darlington. Yeah, fucking hell. Who edited that? So I walked out to... Fucking hell, I always get mixed up. What's the other one? Richmond. Was we in Richmond? So you still don't know where we was? Yeah, we were in Richmond when you came up with it.

oh yeah because we were talking just before you know before I went on stage so in the green room we were talking about doing a gig in Darlington right have I just got that right I don't know why I get mixed up with them too Richmond and Darlington so I was saying oh yeah the boss gig in Darlington Darlington Darlington whatever and then I walked out and I went hello Darlington nothing and I went weird

I went, oh, we're in Richmond. And I said, like, Dan, I went, like, oh, we're in Richmond. I went, oh, I'll just start again. Just walk back off. Come back on. I went, hello, Darlington. And then he just went... I was like, I was just joking. Where do you think the worst place would be to do for that?

I think saying hello Sunderland in Newcastle would be bad. I think you'd get glassed. That would be bad. I don't think it would be as bad to say hello Edinburgh and Glasgow. They would be annoyed, but there's not like a Glasgow, Edinburgh... There's my opening tonight. There's not like a... Oh, Glasgow! Because both of those cities have got enough infighting in their own cities, between Hibs and Harts and Sunderland and Rangers, to give a fuck about each other that much. In Giles, if you come out going, hello Israel...

I mean, do you want to repeat it or should I? He's your mate, he's not my mate. LAUGHTER

In Liverpool, saying hello Manchester, that would be bad. Oh yeah, you get sick still, don't you? Yeah. But yeah, as I say, when I come back out, I said, hello darling, to say I forgot again, and he just blown it. No, it wasn't fully the first time. Oh right, so you're trying to do it as a... Yeah, like yeah. And then I went back off again, and then come back on, and went, hello Richmond, and they're all like, I'm like,

I'm like you fucking hell yeah and that was that was a mad gig mate we're fucking we've breached it now I've got to tell you I'll fucking do it but you've got a gig to get to with the Nate I've got to let you get across there mate thank you very much for having me on and I just want to say thanks as well for last night mate you coming down and jumping out for me it's nice going on for someone else's crowd it's like them chucking their keys to their motor yeah having a little spin on it too what do you reckon

I fucking took it for 10 minutes I'm like class that Tony cheers but yeah it's getting extended so I'm going to be doing all the dates that I've just done and then obviously more getting added so wherever you are in the UK there's a fucking strong chance Tony's going to be there so make the most of that and go and see him in Hot Water Comedy Club's website that's hosting all your dates yeah yeah yeah hotwatercomedy.co.uk hotwater and yes follow him on socials watch his podcast Hot Water Green Room yeah yeah cheers Tony thanks mate nice job