Molly Kearney is Dropping Knowledge
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I know you're all lovely, kind, mentally well people, but the more details I have, the better experience we can provide for you, my family. The survey is a quick, easy, and free way to support this podcast, which we would just appreciate so very much. It'll take you two minutes, and you'll be helping us out so much by doing it. What's two minutes to help out your favorite gay podcast? Or as I like to call me, your family. We actually do want you guys to do this. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

This is actually something I asked us to do. It's the survey. You're going to tell them what kind of ads you like and don't like. And when you do it, if there's an option to say we love when Caleb's silly with it, put that in there. Go to gum.fm slash so true to fill out our audience survey. That's G-U-M dot F-M slash S-O-T-R-U-E. Love ya. This is a HeadGum podcast. My dad was a councilman. I know he was. He's still alive. He just isn't one anymore. Yeah. And what are his two best friends' names?

This is when he was a construction worker. Rock and roll in big city. I've known him my whole life. Rock and roll in big city. Is it okay on the episode if we tell people my really funny joke when you were over at my place? Absolutely. Because I was thinking we could talk about that. Okay. I haven't really been doing much. Will you tell people my really funny joke? I was really proud of it. Wait, right now? Yeah. Sure. Oh, we're rolling. Oh. Yeah. Oh, I meant to change my shirt.

Go do it. No, I'll just wear the same shirt. You want to switch? I'll just wear the same shirt. I wish. You want to switch shirts? I wish. That's a cute shirt. Thank you so much. No, you can tell people my favorite. Guys, we record the multiple episodes on a day. I'm wearing the same shirt. I'm sorry. He's working, man. Yeah, my goodness. Good God. We'll put him out. Space him out anyway. Yeah, yeah. We'll space him out. Don't put them together. Sorry. You really wanted to tell people my funny joke, didn't you? Oh, I did. I did. I called Caleb to hang out, and I was like, hey, I'm getting top surgery on Monday. And he goes, oh, my God.

I'm getting top surgery on Monday. It really took the heat right off. I go, oh, great, great. Well, you were on my couch. They were on my couch really being like, yeah, man, I'm just like, I've got a lot on my mind. Like, I'm, you know, I have top surgery on Monday and they're kind of confiding in me. I was confiding. And then I go, oh, my God, this is humiliating. I'm getting top surgery on Monday.

And then we laugh. Who's your doctor? We laugh for a while. And then I go, are you going bigger or smaller? It was that. It was the nightcap of it. Really good one. You put a little hat on that. Really good one. What do you think? You regret it? I regret her and her. Her and him. Her and him. Mr. and Ms. I don't know.

No, I'm feeling great. Six weeks out yesterday. You look great. Honey, titless and full of joy. Flat as a board. Thank you. I'm a charcuterie board, baby. Flat as a board. I want to eat sushi off you. Put good on my bosom. Oh, my flat chest. My flat chest. I will say when I've been healing, I got my nipples. Some people don't, but I've

I was like, wow, they are really spread apart. But that's because they're the masculine chest. Yeah, the masculine chest. They line them up with their clavicle. You know, I'm learning this. I should have done more research. Yeah, before you... But I got to have a nightmare set in my head.

My nipples were all over my body, and I would find one on my knee and one on my belly button. Well, they're doing that to kids now in school. You send your kid to school, their nipples are where they're supposed to be. They come home with it on their knee. They go, whoa, whoa. It's sick, and the radical left is enabling it. The pigments. The pigments off. The pigments off. A really informed transphobe.

Well, when you get your nipples done, you need to make sure the pigment's right and make sure you want them placed in the right place. Do you want them on the clavicle or do you want them more centered? Yeah. Feminine. Golly.

Oh, ladies. Frankenstein doctors. They're coming for our kids, putting their nipples on their knee. I mean, they were using marker and stuff, like lining them up. I was like, wow, they're going to have to be good at math, too. You were awake? Well, honey, I was... I go, don't put me down. I want to be there for it. Yeah. I didn't know that you technically pass away during anesthesia. Pardon? They put you... My mom's like, oh, yeah, I didn't want to tell you that until after. I'm like...

Because my mom's a retired nurse. She was there for me the whole time. Your mom's a fucking icon. Margaret, you're an icon. She and I text, by the way. Yeah, of course I know. Did she tell you that? She and I started texting during your aftercare because we were in communication about how annoying you were being. No, I'm kidding. We were just talking about what was needed. And we've continued to text. Well...

Caleb did come over and set up my Xbox when I was belly up. I did. I did not know. I was trying to connect it to the refrigerator. I was like, there's no power going into this thing. You messed it up pretty bad. I did. I had to get to work over there. My mom told me that when they put you in, and this is probably smart people listening probably know this, but they put you anesthesiologist. You got it. Anesthesiologist. They put you.

They put you out cold. They get paid so much because they're making you breathe. They're making you breathe? You're a corpse. That's crazy. And when I went down under, it was terrifying. It was like they put me in the little booties and they walked me down this hall, like Grey's Anatomy style. And then the nurse just knocked on the door. I'm like, what is this, like a hotel room? I'm like, how many rooms are there? She's like, there's 10 surgical rooms. And I go, are you just picking the one? You're just picking a random door. So we go in there and then there's this chair. There's this flat thing.

thing with like arms that go out and I'm like oh it's an operating table yeah but but hon it looked like shaped like my body for me it was like built for me and I lay down and I'm just like sweet lord and I was less nervous and I just took a deep breath and the nurse started patting my leg why sorry it was comforting oh it was nice I thought you meant like in a medical way I probably had the fear of God in me I was like I was like

I probably didn't breathe for like 30 seconds. She's like, next thing you know, I'm waking up and I'm telling all the nurses that they're pretty. Yeah, that's inappropriate. Well, that's why I didn't get my wisdom teeth out for over a decade. Yeah, I've got to do that soon. Do you really? My wisdom teeth, yeah. Oh, why didn't you get them out? They're in there and they're rotten.

They need to go. Are you serious? They're not rotten, but they're just in there and they need to go. They're not good. There's like a green gas coming out. No, they need to go. I have to get my wisdom teeth out. I hate dentists. I hate surgery. I had surgery when I was 16 years old or maybe 15. I had a knee surgery from football. Big boy football. Not a sport that we should probably be letting our children play, huh? But yeah, I had to have a knee surgery and I had to go under and it was fucking scary.

And they make you, they do all that stuff right beforehand. I'm 15. They do all that stuff beforehand when they're like, when they're like, where they're like, Oh that. And then they're like, they're like, um, and then just sign here. There's 10% chance that you'll die in surgery. Not 10, but you know, the 1% chance that the tube will go down. We won't be able to get it back out and you'll choke to death. You know? And I'm like, I'm like, mom, and your mom's a nurse too. And she's like, it's not going to happen. You're fine. You're fine. Yeah.

That's scary stuff, brother. The 1% wasn't. 1%? Hey, and it happens to people. Crazier things have happened. Yeah. How did we meet? Do you remember? What's our origin story? I think we were trying to meet in Chicago when we were like in 2026. 2026? I think it was 2034 when we linked up. I think it was. In New Chicago. Knock it off. Knock it off.

It was 2016 or 2017. And we met at like IO and I was like, who is this funny man? Who is this funny guy? And I was doing like stand up and you were doing zip zap zap. Improv. Improv. Yeah. And then you asked me, we were like, we should get some lunch.

Yeah, we went to Tanuki. Remember that? Off the Wellington Brown Line stop. Yes, right by my old house. We had a writing meeting. We had a writing meeting. At a Japanese restaurant. Yes, yeah. Because, you know, where else would we go? And guess what? I have some of the things we wrote. You don't. You don't. Yes, I do. You don't. I thought I deleted that. We were trying to come up with sketches for us to do. We were like, big boy and another big boy walking down the street.

Two big boys walking down the street. I'm not even kidding. The first one is just, were cops? That's where we were. That was probably mine. You'll be able to tell which one's mine and which one's Caleb's. This is even better. We're news anchors reading headlines and we're just exhausted by all of it. No real point of view. We're just tired. To write a sketch where the premise is that you have no point of view, not good. No, no, no.

Bouncers at a club and I'm trying to wingman for you with cute girls. That was where I was going to try and get you cute girls. I thought that's the one I wrote. No. You probably weren't out then. No. We dress exactly like and do a twin segment. That might have been mine. That was you. We are hockey players, question mark. The question marks are definitely me. I'm like, expand on that, Caleb. Do a little work, will you? This one says...

We do a commercial for our apple orchard, but we keep saying things like, we promise the big accident hasn't had any impact on the apples. That one has the most points. Oh, I found one that's definitely you. We host the Cleveland Browns Fan Show, and it's just a bunch of jokes and stories about how we love the Browns. Oh, God, that's tough. This is tough. It's tough. This one's highlighted. It says...

Brother and sister who run their family's taxidermy business. Oh, yeah. I was very obsessed with taxidermy. That actually has stuffed legs. This one says UPS drivers who have a side business where they take lost packages and sell them on the dark web, aka eBay or whatever. These are actually getting good. Yeah, that was you. They're getting good because they're coming up on you. I'm like, these are sounding familiar. A father and son trying to get on Shark Tank.

That would be cute. This one says, siblings or celebs? And then there's a sub note that says, okay, I can't get over us as siblings. What about siblings at a city council hearing? That's you. That's you. Oh, city council is definitely me. I'm always trying to work in some stupid little political angle. My dad was a councilman. I know he was. He's still alive. He just isn't one anymore. Yeah. And what are his two best friends' names? This is when he was a construction worker. Rock and roll in big city. Yeah.

I've known him my whole life. Rock and roll in big city. Rock and roll obviously looks like a rock star. And big city, you know, has a mullet and drives one of those weird Jeep pickup trucks. Your dad's best friend's names are rock and roll in big city. And guess what their real names are. Birth certificate names. I'm guessing like Maurice and Jonathan. No, they're both Sean. No. No.

They're both Sean. No. S-E-A-N? S-E-A-N. Thank you. Just like my little brother. That's so funny. I love your brother. They're great brothers. I love the Carney family. They're good boys. I'm big on the Carney family. So what's going on with you? What do you got on your mind lately? What do I got? Tell me about Molly. Oh, man. I've been trying to...

Read more. Whoa, what are you reading? God, God. I'm the slowest reader. I've learned how slow I am. Yeah, okay. But that's not... It's not a race, you know? Yeah. Yeah, buddy. No, it's not. Yeah. But then I think about how... It's like then I think about how slow I'm reading, so then I try to read faster, and I'm like, wait, I've got to reread that page again. Yeah. So it's a cycle of hell. But anyway, I've been reading a lot of books. What are you reading? My favorite books this year are Demon...

Uh-oh. Me swagging on my bragging books. Demon Copperhead is my favorite book of last year. And A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, great book. That's been on my mind for years. Finally read it. I just finished The Women. The Women. The Women. It's just called The Women. Yeah, of course I gravitated towards that. And it actually is about Vietnam nurses. So it really took a turn. Every...

Every word you just said. I'm reading a book called The Women. It's about Vietnam nurses. Yeah. That's nuts. They came back from war, and it's a fiction, but it's based off of true stories. And they came back, and they weren't accepted, and then people are like, oh, there's only men in Nam. But who patched up the men? They weren't accepted. What do you mean? Yeah, people were like, there's no women in war. People just didn't... So there's all these Vietnam nurses that came back, like...

And they were neglected and they were not respected or taken care of. And they didn't get the proper therapy. Wild. Look at me dropping knowledge. Yeah, you got to keep reading books. I know. Honey and do I know it. This is killer information. Can I take a long story and make it a couple sentences? Yeah, cut that thing down. What about you? What have you been reading? We bought books together. We did buy books together. Did you read it? I forgot what I bought. Did I buy a philosophy of walking when I was with you? Actually, Caleb, I got it for you as a gift. What?

The book. What was it? Which book was it? I don't remember. But I remember. I was like, I don't know. I'm like, this is a gift. We were celebrating you in some way. I think you made this up. I love you to death, but I think you just lied on the podcast. Brother, I remember it like it was yesterday. I don't doubt that you bought the book. No, no. It was not me. It's not like George Costanza. Like, I bought you the big salad. It's like, I got a gift. You don't remember what book it was? I'm getting lightheaded now.

And you literally went up to the lady at the bookstore and you're like, hi, I'm Caleb. And then you looked at me like I'm an idiot for not introducing myself. And I'm like, hi, I'm Molly. It's a nice thing to do. It's like you're supposed to be quiet. In a bookstore, you're like, hey, put her there. How are you? Caleb. We like to read, too. What's your favorite book? And the girl was like, hi, I'm Elizabeth. And I was like, nice to meet you, Elizabeth. Yeah, she was lovely. She was.

I'm reading a philosophy of walking. I'm also reading the – Tell me about that one. Philosophy of walking is like – it's this guy put together a book talking about like this creative and spiritual practice of going on long walks. And there's a bunch of philosophers who would go on long walks and that's how they would write. They wouldn't sit at a desk and like put pen to paper. They would walk and get their ideas and then later on they would transcribe them when they felt like they had it formulated. And I like that.

And I like that. I like that. And so I've been reading a lot about that. And then I've been reading The Dawn of Everything, this big, dense, fucking heavy book about kind of asking like – it's asking why –

why did we as a people get so hung up on the idea of inequality? And like, we've been asking this question philosophically for a long time of like, are we inherently egalitarian or inherently hierarchical as people? Are we like inherently selfish and mean or good and generous? Good and Jenny. Good and Jenny. But it's actually, the book is actually not even asking that question. It's actually asking how we came to ask that question and then kind of starting to look at, I'm only like 100 something pages in, but starting to look at like,

these ideas we've had for a long time about like societies were inherently good or inherently bad and then agriculture happened and they became this. That's all wrong. Societies were inherently different all along. There were many people in different parts of the world doing different kinds of societies at all times. And it's like going through a lot of like dense like resources about that. It's extremely academic and hard to read. And I'm, it's taken me a while. I mean, it was hard to listen to that. I know. Yeah.

It's not fun. I'm saying you're so right. No, but I mean, when you read that book, do you kind of have to go to another book that's like maybe a little lighter or you just put on Xbox or something? I have to put on Xbox and I also, I damn near need to like take notes. I tried reading it on a plane. I thought I was going to kill myself.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's an important book and I want to learn the information. Right. But God, it feels like college. It feels like grad school. And I didn't even go to grad school. Yeah, you're putting yourself through it. But I want to know. I know. And I want you to know so that you can tell me in a simpler manner. And then when I do, you'll say it was boring to listen to. No, I would never say that. You did 20 seconds ago. I didn't. Did. Yes, and. I'm sorry, brother. There's a recording of you doing it. I'm sorry. Yeah.

There's a recorded record. That's why I brought you in here. I like that we like to read and that you read those types of books. Yeah, I loved your story about the nurses. But I do love walking. I really resonate with that. Yeah, I love a good walk. Because when you sit down, you don't sit down and write stand-up. You just kind of rip. I don't really write stand-up. Yeah, I...

I've never really sat down. I like improvise the idea on stage and then I continue to improvise it until it gets good. Then you memorize it. And then I just kind of memorize it. I have sat down and written out my jokes before to get them in my head, but it's very rare that I'm like sitting down and being like,

Right. You're more writing them down to get them in order that you already, and you create them on stage. Yeah. And I'm never writing them out in full. I'm never going like set up punchline transition. My mom's name is Kel. Right. I'm more writing like a guy you slept with above grocery store or whatever. Right. And then I know that that's a five minute bit. Yeah. You know, I'm also bad at the worst thing. The, my worst part of standup is the timing. I run the light every time.

I don't know how long I've been up there. I don't know how long my jokes are. I'll tell the same joke in two different rooms on the same night. One time it's seven minutes. One time it's two. Of course. I just don't. I can't. Yeah, we're not really script stand-ups. No. That's not what I'm doing. And that's all right. I think you've never bombed a day in your life, so I think you can run the light. Well. Unless I'm waiting for my time and I'll just side tackle you right off the stage. Yeah. Would you really? Yeah. I've never run the light when I'm bombing.

Yeah, no. I think it's like... I would never do that. Well, I definitely have seen some people, actually. Well, yeah, because then they're trying to end on a laugh, and it's like, brother, you just got to cut your losses. I just... Yeah, I'm just like, get me out of here, and I need to go get some ice cream. Yeah. How often do you bomb? In my head? Every day. I don't think I've ever seen it. I bombed so much when I was starting in Chicago. I remember, like, going up...

at the Laugh Factory for the first time and I totally, I tried to do all my gay jokes, totally bombed, walked home crying. And I was like, I'm done with this. I'm like, I'm never like slushy snow. I was like, I'm just so bad at stand up. And then the next day I was like, three shows tonight, let's go. You know? Yeah.

I have a very, uh, a memory. I always thought that you were a star. The moment that I saw you perform, I just thought you were genius. But there was this one moment that I thought was so you came and did, uh,

I had this show in Chicago with a bunch of friends called Studio 11. Dude, incredible show. I loved that show. Shelby Wolstein and I ran it together. Tell them what it was about first because it's cool. Studio 11 was new sketch material every week. Every single week. We did brand new sketch material, a full like hour long show with a great cast of like very funny, there were originally there were 11 of us and me and Shelby Wolstein kind of like ran it and produced it and then there were so many funny people. Grace Kuhlenschmidt was on it. Uh, at one point Tom Simmermaker was on it. Uh,

So many funny people. Alex Collier, Lorraine Cornwell, Gregory, fucking Vinny was on it for a second, I think. Vinny Thomas. Yeah, that's where I met Vinny. And so many people that weren't on the cast were guests. Like Sarah Squirm was on it. Meg Stalter was on it as guests. And Dairy Queen. All of our friends of that moment were doing the show. And there were weeks, basically it was kind of working out to where like,

Every other week or every couple weeks we would have like a really sold out show. It was like a popular enough show. But then there would be like slow weeks. And you were booked to do it one week to do stand up as a guest on the show. Because what we would do is we'd have like a guest musician, a guest drag queen, a guest stand up. And then in between all that we'd do our sketches. And then the gay members of the cast would do this segment called Queer in Events where we would do a news update for the week as like all gay people. And we'd only do like gay jokes about it.

And we were like little suit jackets and like ties over our t-shirts and shit. It was silly. But you were the guest stand-up one week and you came out on stage and I guess the microphone wasn't working. And Alex Collier was like, I'm going to fix it. I'm going to fix it. And it was – maybe there were like 20, 30 people in the room. And you go, I don't need it. You guys, I'm from Ohio. I'm from Ohio.

And you just start murdering without a microphone, which now I'm like, that's the correct thing to do. But at that time, I think so many people in our class of comedians didn't have that confidence and skill yet. Because that's what a true professional, good killer does. And you just fucking started screaming your jokes out to this room, killing without a microphone. And I was like, that person is incredible. Yeah.

I was blown away. I was like, that's amazing. Thanks, bud. That's very sweet. Yeah, of course, now I don't like you very much. But back then, I thought you were the best. You want me to meat grinder? I get it. Yeah. Well, I think I learned that from doing stand-up on Put-In-Bay, the island in Lake Erie, where I was like, they didn't have mics. I just went up and started screaming at drunk people. Yeah. I got their attention. I got their attention. Then I got to Chicago. I was like...

Now I got to use a microphone and only do five minutes? This is crazy. Because I would do like an hour just messing around. Out on the farm, they were just letting me freeform it. The cows go moo and I go ha ha! So you moved to Chicago to do comedy and then you went to Dayton first. Yeah, I went to Dayton for college. Theater degree. Yeah, started doing stand-up on like a bet. My friends were like, you can't do stand-up without laughing at your own jokes. And I'm like, bet. Let's do it.

And they were right, but I did get good at it. Lost that money, but... Yeah, actually, I was terrible at it. Oh, my God, it was so bad. But, you know, everyone is when they start. Well, not you, but... I mean, you started doing stand-up, and I was like, this kid, Shant, doesn't have to do improv. He can just go improvise by himself. Like, you can just do, like, the... I'm only good at stand-up because I did improv.

True. That's my truth. Because it makes your mind quicker. Yeah. I'm only good at comedy because I studied improv, period. There's no world where I get good at comedy without very – to an embarrassing degree, earnestly studying improv. Like I had to believe in it so much to get good at comedy. There's no world where that doesn't happen. Oh, I believed in it. Yeah, no. You had like – I had all the Second City. Did you have all the Second City books? No. Even worse. I thought – I was so into improv that I was like Second City is corporate. Yeah.

Like I was like, I was like, I was like, I was where the magic happens. Like I was worse than a second city kid. I was a purist. I mean, the old aisle was awesome. I remember going to that in Williamsburg, not Williamsburg and Wrigley, Wrigleyville. I'd never been to that one. Oh my God. It was magic. It was so cool.

And then talking about corporate, the aisle building that is now. I know. But even still, I felt like long-form improv is like the magic. It's where the special stuff happens. I believed in the promise that we make to each other on stage and the contract that we have with the audience. Yeah.

I believe... The contract. When you say... You know, who was it? Maybe Susan Messing or Liz... Susan Messing. Wow. I forget her last name, but she's such a good improv teacher. But people would say that every scene we ever do, in improv or otherwise, it all takes place on one long line that runs forever in both directions. It was here long before, so it'll be going long afterwards. Oh.

I believed all that shit, you know? And I still to some extent do. You have a Hey Arnold shrine in your closet of Charno. Basically. Love Charno too. By the way, why wouldn't I? She put me on the SNL showcase my first year. Holy crap. Yeah, I'm like, hey, Charno was cool to me. I love those dogs. I love those dogs. I'm like, for real, the dogs be dogging. Yeah, people really hated Charno. And I was like, frankly, that's my girl. She was just more of a cartoon character walking around in my head. Yeah. I never met her. Yeah.

You didn't do the SNL showcase in Chicago, did you? No, I did it just the time that we did it. We did it, yeah. I did the comedy studies program at Three Second City, which is like a semester of comedy, which was incredible. Yeah. It was awesome.

Really? Yeah, it was like you go to school like 9 to 5 and it's all comedy. Comedy history, you learn about like vaudeville and then you write writing, improv, and then you have acting class. It was amazing. You would have really loved it. I love that. I remember when we screen tested for SNL, we did the showcase. I had come back to LA to do it and we did it and we, you and I, you and I got, we both did our sets and

the live show for the producers in LA and then we both killed. I really felt great about that. If I don't get it, I did the best five minutes that I could have ever possibly done. You and I got off stage, went into the green room and we were both very calm. We were like, good job everybody. We'll see you later. We walked to my car. We're walking to my car, vibrating. We get in my car. We get in my car and we're like, we fucking murdered. If they don't want us, they don't get us. We're like, if they don't want us, fuck them. We rolled down the windows, jammed the music. What the fuck?

We drove to black cat to meet a bunch of our friends. We went to the fucking lesbian bar. Yeah. We were like, we're like, yeah, who knows if they'll call, who gives a fuck? And then when we came here to screen test, I had done it before. So you and I were talking a bunch about like what it was going to be like. And then I remember I had told, I was like, Molly, I hope you get it. You know? And then you told me that you, you went to that church.

You went to that church and said a prayer or lit a candle or something? To Chris Farley. To Chris Farley's church? Yeah, and then it ended up being my curse at SNL. Everyone was like, you're like Chris Farley. And I'm like, well, maybe if I didn't pray to him. That one day. Oh, I was just like... When you told me you lit a candle, I was like, I'm not getting that job.

I was in the green room during my screen test talking to Devin. He was like, do you want this? I was like, not really. I'm like, I'm going to church. Yeah, I was like, that's Molly's gig. I'm going to the cathedral and I'm saying prayers to all my dead people. We had a big ass steak dinner. Oh my God. I remember eating that steak and I go, I can't afford this steak. Oh my God. And then we went out after our test and I...

We went to meet Lisa and some of our buddies at that little bar. We met Lisa, Marie, Sydney. Devin came. Devin Walker came. Devin Walker was there. Mary Beth came because she screen tested. Oh, yeah. And I, that night, gone. Oh, never forget. I will never forget that night. The most drunk I've ever been. I go...

Caleb was drinking vodka cranberries like a kid after a soccer game with Capri Sun. You were like... I'm like, hey, bud, you might want to slow down. I was through and I'm back. And you're like, show up. You're like, let's go, let's go. And then we had to fly back to LA the next morning and you had the hood on and I think you might have vomited in the lounge. I threw up all night long. Yeah. I threw up all night long and then I threw up at the airport. And then...

You did throw up at their part, I do recall. And I was like, oh, I must take this in now because I think this will be the only time Caleb is more hungover than me in our life. It will be, yeah. It will be, yeah. And it will be a memory that I take to the grave. That was brutal. I got so fucking drunk. I lost my shirt. Yeah, wait, what was that about? I lost my shirt. That's all. I have no clue. I bought a cute shirt for the screen test because I wanted to look nice on the camera and I lost it.

And I lost it. I got so drunk and I was hanging out. I was like, I remember I said something to Marie Faust and I was like, I was so drunk by the time she got there. I was like, I just think the world of you and I think we have to be friends. And she was like, okay. She was like, we are. Oh, Marie is so funny. Really, really insane. That was a blast though. Yeah, that was. This episode of So True is brought to you by Booking.com. Booking.com.

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This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. Folks, Squarespace is the all-in-one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online. If you need a website, and who doesn't these days, Squarespace has all the right tools for you. Whether you're just starting out or managing a growing brand, Squarespace makes it easy to create a beautiful website, engage with your audience, and sell anything from products to content to tickets, all in one place, all on your terms.

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You can easily find their Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, even their Facebook if you so choose. Squarespace...

Keep it. We're being real on the ads. Squarespace also helps with invoicing. They provide an easier way to collect payments so you can focus on growing your business. Invoice clients and get paid for your services. Turn leads into clients with proposals, estimates, and contracts. And simplify your workflow and manage your services business on one platform. So head on over to squarespace.com slash so true to start your free trial. And when you're ready to launch, you can save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code SOTRUE.

We lived in LA together for a little bit. I helped you move into your place. Oh, yeah. Which I'll never forget because you didn't tell me that all of your guys' furniture was brass or whatever.

Wait, I didn't have any furniture. Well, whoever's furniture I moved into that place. Yeah, that was like uphill steps. But I helped you move in. You and Shelby move in. Yeah, but our stuff was easy. No, it was a... Wait, yeah, Chance did too. I'm like, we were going up and down, up and down, up and down. And I'll never forget, Shelby's 400 pounds safe. The stove. I'm like, the stove. I'm like, Chance and I looked at each other and we're like, not...

No, we hired movers that said they wouldn't do it. Like, Shelby has a 400 pound, or more. Is it still with her? I'm sure it is. Shelby has this stove that her mom or somebody gave to her that she has moved everywhere. And she moved it. We lived together two places in LA. And both times I was like, Shelby, I will do anything you want to get rid of the stove. Give it up. Get rid of the stove. I mean, no one can move it. Three professional movers couldn't move it.

And when it went cross-country, the U-Haul was probably just like... The wheels were like... I'm surprised it didn't break through the U-Haul and fall out. My God, yeah. The stove is horrible. So many people have fallen victim to the stove. So many people have fallen victim. And by the way, you're thinking... It's taken out many, many men. Oh, is it operable? No. It's decorative. Yeah, it's decorative. Is there anything in there? No. I thought it was a safe. No. Decorative 8,000-pound stove.

Really crazy move. Love Shelby to death. Love you, Chica. Get rid of that soap if you still have it. That's crazy. Wait. Can we talk football for a second? Of course we can talk football for a second. How are you feeling about this weekend? Or is it probably... Oh, we're in the future. Sorry. Sorry. Molly just spun themselves out in such a major way. Go Browns! We're recording before the Bills play the Chiefs. Right.

They've beat us once this season. Yeah. Are they the one team we've lost to or we lost two games? Well, we lost to the Broncos in the last week when all of the starters were arrested. Right. So we lost two games, but yeah. It counts because you lost. It counts. It counts. We won three. And our quarterback is not a good man. So I'm actually more of a Lions fan. Oh, well, you know how to pick them. Well, it's closest to Cleveland. Yeah.

And I like their colors. You know, I texted Stavi after the Ravens biffed it. I texted Stavi and said... We've never met, but I'm looking forward to shaking his hand. I texted Stavi and I said, you are loved and important to many. Please don't make any permanent decisions about the game. He texted me back and said, I appreciate it, and it goes without saying, I want nothing but pain and suffering for you. I know, it is kind of like...

I mean, like, give it a rest. Travis Kelsey is, I hope he's my friend, but he's from Cleveland. He's your friend, and he's from Cleveland. Shout out, Trav. So, technically, go Browns. Technically, go Chiefs, because he plays for the team. Oh, yeah. Yeah, if you think about it. It could have been go Eagles, but Jason's retired. LeBron James! LeBron! LeBron! That man single-handedly took Cleveland.

out of the dirt. Yeah, he brought you guys up. That's right. He put you guys on. That's what Pat's doing for Kansas City right now. I agree. And I'm happy for Kansas City because it does remind me a lot of Cleveland when I came to your house. Thank you. And spent time there. Finally some credit for the boys. And learned how to play madam. Madam. Madam. We're going to play madam. We'll 40 and slip there. Wait, I love madam. Hey, madam. No, Molly, playing madam is what you were doing before the transition. We're done playing madam. Okay.

No, brother. Playing Madden's in your past. No, but let me paint the picture. We're at Caleb's house, and he's like, we're just kind of hanging out. We're in vacation mode. He's like, you want to play some Madden? And I was like, I've never played. He goes, take a seat. And we're playing. He sets the vibe. He lowers the light. He puts on cool lighting. It's snowing outside or something. I don't know. Something nice. And he puts on Madden. He's like, all right, let's go.

And then he puts on this cool, soothing music. And we're just playing Madden. And I go, this is the best day of my life. Dude, I always put music on the background. I don't listen to the game. I listen to music. I totally respect that. And then we bought Xboxes together. Yeah, and you haven't played me. But I just got a headset. So I'm ready to duel. Nice. I want to duel. I'm not going to do a headset. I don't listen to people talk.

Well, I got a lot to say. Eat shit. I can't listen to people because I'll go to a place. I did a headset when I was. You go to a dark place. I'll be mean. Yeah, I don't actually don't. I'll call people the F slur. I don't like the way I behave on there. I can't be listening or talking. I got to just play. You want to do a voicemail? Yeah, I would love to. Let's hear a voicemail. I'm trying to get better at doing these. Oh, I would love to. How's my hair look? Is it still in place? Yes, sir. Nice. Ugh.

Put those on for me, Mo. Woo! Let's do it. Hi, Caleb and lovely guests. This is Peter. And I wanted to know the truth about salt.

Why is it in everything? Why is everything that tastes good to have salt in it? What was the deal in like the Bible where people would turn other people into pillars of salt? That's crazy. That doesn't make any sense. What the heck? Huge fan. Love you. Love your work. And I'm sure I love you as well, esteemed guest, as every guest that Caleb has. It's wonderful. I hope you have a great day. And I'm looking forward to hearing back from y'all. Peace.

Really superfluous. Thanks. Really chatty guest. You know what that reminded me of? I'll get into the question in a second. But I had a flight attendant on my flight here the other day. Gay flight attendant. No worries. Gorgeous. Gay guy flight attendant who was being real nice to me. Okay? And I was like...

In a gay way? I was like, either he wants to fuck me in the bathroom or he knows who I am. Or both. And so he's real nice to me the whole flight and then doesn't say anything. And then like about, you know, knowing me or wanting to sleep with me. And then towards the end of the flight, he like comes over to hand me a snack and drops off a postcard. And in the postcard he had written on the back of it, he was like, he was like diva.

Diva Doll Queen. I'm not kidding. It says Diva period Diva Doll Queen. I'm such a huge fan. I've been trying to play it cool. Hopefully I've been cool. Thank you for being on this flight. And then like it was like I watch your stuff all the time. And then was like wrote his name. It was really sweet. That is precious. Isn't that sweet? That is precious. Kind of sounded like this guy. I was like maybe this is my flight attendant. Oh my gosh. But it wasn't. How do we know? The name is different. Okay. Salt. Well it's delicious. Tasty. Yeah like salt.

Oh, why is this breakfast sandwich so good? It's because it's doused. Salt is everything. You know, when you go to restaurants and you go, why is the way they make this better than the way I make it? Butter. Salt. Salted butter. They put salted butter on everything to an extent that you cannot imagine. Who's out there buying unsalted butter? Freaks. Shame on you. Freaks and Mormons. Freaks and Mormons. And they're allowed to have salt. I just don't think they enjoy anything. Mormons. Sorry, Mormons. I'm sorry. We got a lot of Mormon fans. You believe in hell?

I don't know if I believe in hell, but I do think there'll be bad people and they've got to go somewhere. You think bad people get punished in the afterlife? Yeah. I think they come back maybe as... Some days I'm like, oh, they come back as like ants and I'm the one stepping on them. Or... That's nice. Yeah. Or they're just like, you know, as they taught in Catholic school, they're burning alive down there. Yeah. Down there. I've started to experiment lately with the idea that maybe everyone gets what they deserve. Like maybe everyone just gets what they deserve. Maybe nice people get something nice. Maybe bad people get something bad. Yeah.

Maybe medium people get something medium. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, but then there's such good people that so many bad things happen to them. No, but they're good people, so they would get good. After death, you mean. Yeah, I'm saying after death. No, not in life. Certainly not. There's plenty of good people that get bad things and bad people that get good things. I'm saying I've been experimenting with the idea of we don't know what happens after we die. We all get to decide for ourselves. So I've been starting to experiment with the idea of what if everyone gets what they deserve?

That'd be kind of nice. Maybe if you spend your life being nice to people and doing good, and I'm not talking about being a fucking saint, but if you're a saint, maybe you get something saintly.

And if you're a devil, maybe get something devilish. Maybe hell exists for hellions. Hellions. And then good for good people. Hellions rise! Maybe me and all my friends will be in an alt comedy scene after this is all over. You're good at outfits. You know that? No, bro. You are. I got a couple good ones, but I appreciate that. You match a hat with a shirt real well. I'm learning. You match a hat with a shirt. Thank you. I've been learning that. You do that well. Tom from SNL helped me a lot learn how to buy my fashion. To put a hat with a shirt.

Yeah. I love that. Tom. I love Tom. Who's Tom? Tom is, I believe he's a producer as well, but he's been at SNL for over 20 years and he just dresses everybody so nicely. Gay guy? Of course. Yeah, I would never expect to be a straight guy. Only the smartest of men. Straight guys, they can't do what we can do as gay guys. I'd like to see my dad try to dress me.

Just kidding, we wear the exact same clothes. Nice, get him. Get your father. Literally, we wear the same size pants. Gather your dad who you adore. God, I wish your mom was here. Me too. Right here in this chair. Oh, I know. She really does. Should we call her? Yeah, you should. You really should. She texted me. I texted her this morning.

You guys talk a lot. You guys are kind of close. We are close. Okay, this is who we're calling. I'm dead. She's beautiful. She's so beautiful. I love her. Let's see if she answers. If she doesn't answer me, it's going to be kind of drama, right? I think she knows I'm here. I told her yesterday. What's her nickname? Marg. Marg. Retired Marg is her handle. Hey, Caleb. What are you doing? Hey, Marg. What are you up to, queen? I'm getting my hair cut. What? Why? Your hair looks great.

I'm going to, I'm going on a, Kevin and I are going on a cruise. Where to? Oh gosh, the Caribbean. Oh gosh. Well, I'm recording my podcast with Molly. You're on the podcast. I am? Yeah. You're a star, mom. Uh, we just wanted to say hi. We were just saying we wish you were here. We were thinking about you.

Oh, you're so sweet. Thank you. I'm talking to my hair guy about the depressing depression that we're having over the next four years and what we should do about it. We're trying to solve the world's problems here in the haircutting chair. Is your hair guy gay? Yes. He's lovely. Single? Single. Single? Yes. All right. No, no, no, no, no. Oh.

All right. What about for a night? Caleb, I keep looking for you. I really do. She has been cooking for you. Well, we love you so much. We're going to let you get back to it, but we miss you. All right. Love you. Bye. Love you guys. Okay. Take care. Stay warm. She literally, she's like, I'm looking for Caleb. I love her. And you know what? Maybe, maybe he's, he's just doing so well right now and a good man's going to come. I,

I love her. I hope she does find you one in Cleveland so that we can reside there. He's going to have to move to New York or Kansas City one or the other. Yeah, but we'll buy property. We can buy property in Cleveland. On the lake. Yeah, I've got property everywhere. I'm buying up properties. I wait until something bad happens. Mr. Monopoly, where's your monocle? Yeah, I want to start renting out to people at extortionist rates. Absolutely. Yeah. Raise that rent. Raise the rent. Raise the rent. That should be $20.

Yeah. Molly, I got a segment for you here. You ready for this, brother?

Honestly, whenever I listen to this part, I get so anxious. Okay. All right. And I don't want anyone to judge me on my knowledge of anything. Just go as quick as you can and you'll be fine. Trust your gut. Do I count on my fingers? When I listen, I count on my fingers. All right. I'm going to read you 15 statements. You're going to tell me as quickly as you can if you think they're true or false. You ready? Yeah. Scotland is a larger landmass than Greenland. False. False. The yo-yo was invented in 1866. True. True.

Better Call Saul ran for more seasons than Breaking Bad. False. True. LeBron James attended St. Vincent St. Mary High School. True. Lake Erie is the smallest Great Lake. True. False. It's Lake Ontario. Oh, well, shit! It's the most shallow. Facebook is older than Olivia Rodrigo. True. False. A ham sandwich was the first food eaten in space. What? A ham sandwich. False. False. Pureed meat. The Lincoln Park Zoo in Chicago is free to visit. True. True. There are 17 stars on the Ohio flag.

False. True. A crocodile cannot move its tongue. True. False. True. Fuck! Golden Corral was originally a taco stand. False. False. Cleveland is nicknamed the Forest City. False. True. Umathermon's real first name is Becky. True. False. What the fuck? Before selling backpacks, Jansport sold knives. False. False. The Geico Gecko's name is Gary. False.

False. It's Martin. How'd they do? Seven. What the? I knew I wasn't going to win. What?

I think I just had a stroke. You did great, buddy. Oh, I'm sorry I swore so much, Mom. No, she'll love that. No, she's going to hate that. And I'll be getting a text and sue you probably about my swearing. You know what I've just been thinking about? Was it Chance that I told this to? I don't know who I told. No, it was my friend Kevin. I have become re-obsessed with an Eminem lyric. Tell me. One of my favorite Eminem lyrics of all time. And I'm not going to get the words exactly right, but the gist of it is...

He does it like a mocking voice and he's like, Will Smith doesn't have to cuss to sell his raps or whatever. Will Smith doesn't have to cuss in his raps to sell records. And then he says, this is so funny that I'm doing this right now, but I'm like stepping out in Eminem lyric. Will Smith doesn't have to cuss in his raps to sell records. And then he says, well, I do. So fuck Will Smith and fuck you too. That line is so beautiful to me. It's crispy. I do have to cuss. I feel that way about clean comedians. I do.

I don't have to cuss to be funny. Well, I do, so fuck you. I catch myself cussing a ruckus. Yeah, you cuss a ruckus. Yeah, I do. You talk like a sailor. It's unbecoming of a thing. I do, I do. It's not a non-binary person, not a proper way to behave. I know. You need to clean it up, brother.

Frick. Frick. See, but that works for you. You have a very cute way about you. Thank you. So do you, though. You can do like Frick. People need me to curse, I think. I do need you to be swearing. I have a bit of a, there's an edge to me that people need the curse words. Should I not swear? Is it too hard to see? No, it's not too hard to see. It's just that you're lucky. You're true verse. You can get away with being cutesy. That's the kindest thing. If I say like gosh dang it, people are like, what? I should put that in my bio. Yeah. I'm a true verse. True verse. Can get away with cussing or not. Yeah.

I don't like when people replace cuss words with something too cutesy, though. Yeah, like...

Like crapola. Yeah, that pisses me off. Oh, well, crud. Yeah. Crud? Ugh. Or when people say stinking. Oh. I'm so stinking angry right now. I'm stinking tick. Shut the hell up. I do like how you're ticking me off. Ticking me off is good. Ticking me off is so much funnier. There's some good ones. One of my favorite ones is good night. Good night is a fun one. Good night is a fun one. Good night. Or goodness. Goodness.

Those are fun. You can launch those at somebody. What's the Jesus? There's one for Jesus. Holy Mac. I like Holy Mackerel. Jiminy Christmas. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Something like that. That's a little too much for me, actually. Oh, you think? Jiminy Christmas. I'm going to just knock it off. All right. You seen anybody? No. No? Looking? Single. Looking for something?

I'm looking at myself in the mirror right now. I'm looking at the man in the mirror. That's right. Not even looking for some casual fun? What can I do for you? You know, we got a lot of listeners who would be interested in your whole thing. I'm always looking for casual fun. Because I ain't dressing up, hon. Oh, Molly, you're bad. I'm back, baby. Molly, you are too much. But be serious. Okay. You want a girlfriend?

Not right now. Nice. I'm just asking because, you know, there's a lot of lesbians who watch the show. But I think you're all really beautiful. It's like watching Michelangelo paint. Put me belly up, let me paint your ceiling, you know? Do you know what I love? Well, no. I like that.

You probably don't know about this because you're not on Grindr. No. There's a thing that really hot guys do on Grindr where they'll be like, if I don't respond, my loss. You're beautiful. And I'm like, you need to go to prison. Wait, people put that in their bios? They'll put that in their bios. They'll be like, if I'm not into you, it's my loss. You're still beautiful. Something like that. That's like a hot guy thing to do on Grindr.

That's really gross. That's not a hot guy thing to do. That's a gay guy. That's a gay thing to do. That's a sick... Okay, yeah, get him. Yeah, that's gay. Yeah, go ahead. Gay? Yeah. I have been bringing that back a little bit. Gay? Yeah, I'm like, wow. Gay? I've been doing... Oh, yeah, I know. I've been seeing it. The F-slur. Hearing it, seeing it, loving it. I like the F-slur quite a bit. Yeah, because sometimes a couple years ago, my mom would be like, oh, Molly, you're acting a little queer.

Queen. That's so queer. Queen. And I'm like, mom, you mean like I'm acting gay or I'm acting like weird? And she's like, well, you're already gay, so you're acting weird. Yeah. And I go. She's the fucking queen. Okay. That's my president.

Your mom is my president. She cooks. She's good. She's fucking real. I do like, it's fun to be a part of a community that has a word that only you're supposed to use. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like that too. It's a special thing. It is special. Yeah. Because it's like, try it, say it back. Yeah, say it back. And if you do, that's fine. I don't really care. But I like the guitar thing. I'll go like this right in your neck. Really? You ever been in a physical fight? No, but man, in my dreams sometimes I wake up and I'm punching. So I'm always trying to look.

Do you ever wake up like when you're like... Never. What? Not once in my life. You've never woken up like by punching or kicking? No. Oh, I do it often. Is that normal? Are you doing that? I've done it before. Are you doing that? Okay, so there's something going on in the mask community. Yeah, that's weird. In the mask community. Yeah, yeah. It's like... And then I wake up and I go... Despite your voice and your overall vibe and your energy, you're quite soft. I... Yes. You're a softie.

You're like walk into a room and you're like, I'm Molly Carney. And then it's like, I'm like, how you doing, Molly? And you're like, I'm okay. You know, you got, you got a very sweet, soft energy. I do have this weird thing where people like to do my impression at me. It happens like often. Yeah. Well, you have a very, uh, you have a very, you're a unique thing. Thank you, sir. Yeah. You have a, you have a big burly voice and a, in a unique perspective.

So it's fun to do that. And you're a softy too. No. Yeah, when you really get to talking. Oh, I mean you tough ass. No, no, I am. I am, I am. I just, I think you're quite a bit softer than I am. You're a real sweetie. Thanks, buddy. And me? Well, you just, that's a chisel on an ice. That's what that is? Yeah.

And then you get in there and you're like, come here. Come here, brother. You know what I'm going to do after this record? You got to work for it. For you. You know what I'm going to do after this record? Give me a hug. I'm going to give you a hug and then I'm going to get omakase. Me too. I'm coming with you. Yeah? Sure. I'm going to a place in your neighborhood. Oh, really? Perfect. Yeah, so I wish you would. Okay. I love omakase. And I've been on a big omakase kick. I love it. I like that they pick.

They do? Omakase is. That's what it is. They select. Perfect. You say, here's $75, if you're lucky. You say, here's $75, and they say, I'll bring you sushi. And then they just pick. Oh, I love that. I'm starving. The only thing I tell them when I do omakase, the only thing I tell them is, no eel. I don't like eel. And when I tell them, I go, nothing's too spicy. Really? I love spice. Oh, I can't. I can't. I'll do it. I'll do it. Yeah. But I don't want to do it. It messes you up? No, it just...

Like, it freezes me. Chance told me he hasn't been able to keep food down lately. What? Are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine. What's going on? I don't know. We'll see. We're worried about it. Are you coming out of your mouth? It's a lot of vomiting. Oh, buddy. It's going to be fine. Is it gluten? I don't think so. I don't know. He hates that I brought it up. In fairway.

Maybe you have celiac. It comes with people when we get older out here. Well, somebody told me it might have been norovirus. Like, that's a thing. It's like a symptom of norovirus is that you have gut issues. But it might have been going on longer than what norovirus would have lasted. What if you started it all? You think I'm patient zero? You're patient zero for norovirus, yeah. Okay. You also could just be getting old.

Yeah, I'm very old now. How old are you? You're pretty old. Yeah, I'm 34. So did you go through anything like this, vomiting for a while? No, no. It skipped my generation. Yeah, it skips a generation in the family. Yeah, it skips a generation. Yeah, well, shit. Well, shit, y'all. Shit, y'all. Oh, Molly, is there anything you want to tell the people about? We're almost wrapped up here. What's up?

Oh, well, Molly, what's so true to you? Oh, what's so true to me? I forgot the premise of the show. Oh, yeah. This show is not properly run on my end. Everyone else does an incredible job. I'm telling you, I have a team of people around me doing this show. Case in point, case in point, Virginia, case in point, everybody case in point. And I am not good at this show. They run this show like a tight ship, and I come in goofy, and I don't do the show.

I would have remembered. All right. What's so true to you? Molly Carney, what's so true to you? So true to me, I think Catholic school made me kind of gay. No shit. Yeah, I'll agree with that, brother. Didn't you go to an all-girls school? I sure did. Yeah, like a bead of honey. Yeah, I was like... That's crazy. They shouldn't have let you in there. Yeah, no, it was fantastic. It was the best four years of my life. Do you have any dalliances, any romances at the school there? God, no. Oh, really? Yeah.

I thought girls were just kind of doing that. I was like this. Oh, you were scared. Yeah. I mean, I didn't get my wisdom to that because I was afraid I was going to say I was gay. I didn't drink alcohol because I thought I was going to get drunk and say I was gay. Actually, this is going to be going sad. Hey, buddy, you were driving a minivan to lacrosse practice. I was. And I've seen pictures of the way you dressed. You didn't need to get drunk to make that statement. Ha ha ha!

I was the goalie catching gals and balls. Not balls. Lacrosse balls. Yeah, of course. Yeah. You ever slept with a guy? God in heaven. Put some respect on my gay ass name, sir. That's gold star, Carney, to you. That's a gold star. I love that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you weren't getting drunk because you were worried you'd come out as gay, but you were still wearing those outfits, huh? Correcto. Correcto. Man, I was...

That was a good one. When did you come out? Now I'm just curious. 21. When you were 21 years old at Dayton. Yeah. Studying theater. Yeah. Once again, I'm just kind of surprised that it took all that time. No, for sure. For sure. It was, I think it wasn't a surprise to anyone. Yeah.

That's beautiful, Maul. And that'll get you. I love being gay. I'm a gay wad. I love that. Caleb and Molly. Don't call me a gay wad. A bunch of gay wads. Gay, gay, gay wads. That's actually kind of beautiful. Why do you have a good singing voice? There was a little bit of a gay, gay, gay. There was a little bit of a... You have a great singing voice. There was a timbre in there that I liked. You have a great singing voice. Come on, me. Stop it. Me. Come on.

Don't start. Don't do this. I'm shy. Don't be shy.

Be my guy. Come on. Kevin and Anna and I were watching a football game the other night at my house in Kansas City. And Kevin's like, do you have a guitar? And I was like, yeah. And I brought the guitar out and we all started. He starts playing and then we all just started writing a song together. So we're watching the Ravens game and then being like, this part should go like this. And then we wrote a song about, I can't tell you what it's about. Come on. I can't because it's not prepared yet. I'll tell you off mic. Sorry, guys. Sorry, guys. Some things are secret because it's not always my business to tell.

We'll tell people where they can find you, Molls. Meatbrickmolly on Instagram. Meatbrick. Meat like a pile of meat. I don't know about pile. Yeah. See what's cooking there. See what's cooking. I got to stop saying that too much. Gen Z's in my brain. No, I like it. And I love you so much. And thanks for being on the show. Thanks for having me, everybody. Love you. Love you. Bye. That was a Hate Gum Podcast. Hey!

It's Nicole Byer here. Let me ask you something. Are you tired of endless swiping on dating apps, fed up with awkward first dates and disappointing hookups? Girl, same. Welcome to Why Won't You Date Me, the podcast where I figure out love and how to suck less at dating. Each week, I get real with comedians, friends, and celebrities about their love lives. We swap dating horror stories, awkward hookups, and dive into the messy and wonderful world of relationships.

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