S13 E11: [Iris] Runaway
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Hi, my name is Iris. I'm 30 years old and I live in the Pacific Northwest. When I was 13 years old, a new girl came to our middle school. We were both in eighth grade and she joined our class. I

I grew up not having a lot of friends. I considered myself quite a loner, but I had switched middle schools a few years earlier when I was in sixth grade and grew to have a pretty close group of friends. This new girl, her name was Emery. Immediately we became very close. She was someone that had the same type of music interests and show interests.

Everything that I liked, she liked too. We were huge into grunge and alternative music. Like most kids our age, we're constantly on AIM, AOL Instant Messenger. Being 13, internet was really different back then. We were just a few years out of dial-up. Still, most of the time we talked online.

Very quickly, Emery and I became very, very close. She fell into my friend group almost immediately. We were together as often as we could. I started riding her bus home. She lives in an apartment complex behind my neighborhood. After we would get home, we would immediately start talking to each other, either on the phone or on AIM. She was someone who was very different than me.

I always considered myself to be the quote unquote good girl. I got good grades. I followed the rules. I was very scared of getting in trouble for anything. And she just didn't give a shit. She was really fearless and pushed people to do things that they normally wouldn't. I got in way more trouble with her than I ever had and took more

way more risks than I was ever willing to do. Our friendship revolved a lot around music. We were really heavy into grunge music and anything that was alternative rock. A lot of that music is really dark. It's very sad. And being that age, you are already, emotions are everything. You know, you're feeling some things for the very first time. And so as a teenager and as a young teenager,

Things feel larger than life. You feel like this is the biggest thing that's ever going to happen to you because it is. It's the first time that that's happening to you and you have nothing else to compare it to.

She had a way of really pulling darkness out of people, though, sharing past experiences and traumas, things that I wouldn't talk about at that age or even with friends because things didn't feel safe to have those conversations.

Beyond that too, she was risky. She pushed me to jump over and climb my first fence. I had never done that before. I had no idea how to. And she was bound and determined that I was going to jump over and learn how to climb a fence. And things escalated from there. We had a friendship that was absolutely borderline. I would almost call a relationship.

Our communication was incredibly unhealthy. We were in communication constantly. And if we weren't, I was in communication with her friends too.

Pretty early on in the friendship, she started to introduce me to some of her friends that were on AIM. Her family was a military family. She had moved around a lot as a kid and her parents had divorced. She lived separate from her dad and her brother who lived in a different state and she moved to this state with her mom and herself.

So she had shared that she had all of these different connections through different states and different areas of the state that we lived in. And that she had all of these friends that wanted to know more.

us, our friend group. It was very exciting. It felt like there were more people that were like us, that were interested in the same things and were giving us a lot of attention. One person in particular, his name was Johnny, who eventually we started to have a romantic relationship online.

This was my very first experience with having someone who showed me a lot of attention, who was telling me that they thought I was beautiful. This was from pictures that I would share. We never talked on the phone. Nothing was ever through phone or through text. It was always through AIM.

Over a few months of this friendship and relationship building, things started to get a little bit darker. We started engaging in behaviors that were really unhealthy. There was a lot of talks that were things that were really dark, like suicide and self-harm, things that we felt...

would make us feel more, feel more alive and feel more in touch with our emotions. We started playing this game where at nighttime we would take pills that were in my mom's cabinet. And oftentimes it was things like Benadryl or Advil. But what are you taking tonight and how many? Some of it was more for could we get high?

Is there some kind of effect that we're going to feel from this? And some of it was just for the fuck of it. Like, let's do this to see if we feel something, if something happens. There was never for the intent of wanting to hurt ourselves or harm ourselves, but it was this ongoing and escalating risky behavior of being pushed to

This is something I would never have considered doing before. But when you have someone who was pushing you to get out of your comfort zone and to try new things, it naturally fell in line. Other risky things that she pushed me to do included sneaking out. I was not allowed to leave the house.

Talking on the phone when I was not allowed to be on the phone. We definitely met places that I was not allowed to meet. We often found ourselves meeting at this one tree that was a pretty far walk away from my house, which was further than I was allowed to go. Some petty theft at a convenience store.

I couldn't even imagine being a parent today and thinking about my child doing this is called the kick game in which we would kick each other and see who could get the biggest bruises on our legs from kicking each other. I think it attests to the power that she had over people. It was like this really wild feeling like you wanted to be positive in her presence.

I wanted to live up to the standard that she saw in me. There was a lot of love and affection that she gave to me as a person. And I didn't want to disappoint. Even if it was things that I didn't feel comfortable doing, she was able to also push the right buttons that she knew were going to make me happy.

The stories that she would tell us started to escalate. She had shared with her family being in the military that she had a friend that was killed over in Iraq for not following the orders of her father.

following procedure and deciding to stick with things that they felt were important to them. So there was lots of war stories. There was lots of friends that had been in the war and had troubles. Most of the people that we chatted with on AIM too, I should note, were older. They were people that had cars and could drive. And being 13, that's really exciting when you are friends with older people because absolutely

I had no friends that were older than me at that time. That felt like someone important was paying attention to me. So during the time that we were building our friendship, she started sharing a lot about her family life too. She shared that her mom struggled with alcohol abuse disorder and was quite abusive as well. That she was both verbally and physically abusive to her.

She made it seem as if her mom was locking her in the house and that she wasn't able to go out, which I'll say during the times that we had our friendship, we never had any kind of sleepovers. I never went to her apartment and she never came to my home.

This was not something that we experienced with each other. We both had come outside of each other's houses, but we'd never gone inside and we'd never shared really time with each other's parents. So what I knew about her and her family was directly from her. A few months in, she started mentioning the idea of running away.

It never really seemed realistic to me. It wasn't something that I considered would be something that we would actually do. Then one night she had shared a story about her mom physically abusing her and we agreed it was time. We were going to do it. We decided that we were going to run away that night. I found all the money that was available in my house. It was about $250. I stole that out of my mom's purse.

We had decided that we would take all the money that we could find. We both packed a backpack and she convinced me that we could also steal my mom's car. My mom had a truck. I was 13. I did not know how to drive and neither did she. But once again,

She had this way of convincing and pushing and telling me I could do it. It'll be just fine. We know what we're doing. Don't be scared. As well as really pressuring me that if I didn't, that I was letting her down. So we thought we could steal the track. We decided that we were going to run away to a city that was on the other side of our state.

She shared that she had friends there. She had people that we can stay with, some of them being the people that I chatted with on AIM. So I was excited to go meet these friends. And we decided that we were going to start a new life. This was it. I wasn't going to have contact with my family anymore. We were going to lose all of our friends and...

and we were gonna be together as friends and start a completely new life. I was ready to make that happen. My home life wasn't great. I didn't feel great about my family. I didn't have a good connection with my mom. In combination also just like feeling really pressured too that the stakes are really high that I'm gonna lose a friendship.

It felt kind of dangerous on all sides. Dangerous to do it, dangerous not to do it. But it was worse to not do it and lose her. So it felt like the thing to do. My mom also struggled, I know now, with substance abuse. And at the time, I didn't really know what was going on or what the problems were, but I knew things weren't right. I felt ready to move on.

She came to my house probably about midnight, 1am. We snuck out my window. I had taken the money and the car keys. We got outside to the truck and I got it down halfway through the driveway. We were pretty much out into the street when I couldn't get it to drive. Looking back now, I realize it was because it had the parking brake on.

And I was 13 years old and had no idea how to drive and didn't know there was a parking brake on a car. Of course, it wasn't going to drive. We panicked. We decided right then that we were going to walk. We left our cell phones in the truck because we were worried that they could be tracked. We left the car keys in the truck. We left the truck on. We took our backpack and we ran.

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Another way to show how immature and really no idea what we're doing is the city that we were planning to go to was over a mountain pass. This is winter time. I don't know how to drive. How, if we had gotten the track out, would I have been able to make it over a mountain with snow not knowing how to drive?

We had no idea what we were in for. We were ready to just jump right in and not a clue and not even thinking through what the implications are. I was very fearful. That was my constant place is this ongoing fear.

fear of getting caught as well as fear of letting her down. I didn't want to let her down. I wanted to be the person that would be fearless like her and be able to keep going. But I was scared. I was scared the whole time. I was scared of where are we going to go? How are we going to get there? I knew that if I'm caught, I'm getting in trouble. Like this is not okay.

I just tried to take my mom's truck. That's not cool. But at the same time, it felt like I've made this commitment. We got to go. We're already doing it. From there, we decided we were going to hitchhike down to a friend of ours in Jade. We did find someone who picked us up in the middle of the night, which I think back is so very scary. I...

Would never hitchhike now. And I hope if I had a 13-year-old that I could convince them enough to never let them hitchhike. But we got in the back of, it was one of those old style cars. I'll never forget. It was an old car that had a bed in it. We got in the back of the bed because we did not want to sit in the car with the person. And they took us downtown, which is where our friend Jade lives. We knocked on her window and she came outside. She didn't have her cell phones.

came outside and we told her what our plan was and that we wanted to run away. We were hoping that we could call another friend of ours and have his brother take us to the new city. He was not able to. That wasn't going to happen. So Jade told us that we could stay there for the night until we figured things out. We snuck into her house and we ended up staying in her closet all night

I know now that the next morning when they found the truck, immediately our families thought that we were missing. Not that we had run away, but something had happened to us. They went into high alert at the school and started pulling people out and interviewing all of our friends at school, talking to all the kids about that we were missing and if they knew anything.

There was very little people that knew anything because we really hadn't shared much. We didn't talk about this plan prior to it happening. The only folks that knew about this was Jade and the other friend that we called. Somehow it did come back that Jade knew something. While Emery and I were at Jade's house, my parents showed up.

And we could hear them while they were upstairs questioning Jade and questioning Jade's parents about whether we had been there or not. Jade did lie for us and said we weren't there. And we heard them asking and crying for us. And we stayed in the closet. I felt like shit. I did not have a good relationship with my mother at all. But I felt really guilty.

I don't have contact with her today, but I don't know that she even knows that. I knew that she was upstairs and they were hot on our trail, but we were able to squirm away. So after they left, we ended up leaving because we knew that they were looking for us. We made it down by taking buses down to the greater downtown area. We got downtown and we decided that we were going to take a Greyhound bus to our destination.

Our destination was about six and a half hours away by bus. We didn't know if we had enough money. We didn't know if we were going to be able to make it, but we kept going. The weird thing is, is all along the way, there seemed to be signs pointing us. If you're looking for signs, of course, you'll see signs. But there seemed to be signs saying that this was the right thing to do.

The bus fare downtown was free. They didn't charge us. We were able to move around freely in downtown. We were able to get away from our parents at Jade's house. We got someone to pick us up and get us there. There seemed to be all these pieces that in our minds we thought were pointing us that we were moving in the right direction.

When we got to the Greyhound station, we realized pretty quickly we did not have enough money for both of us to get on to the bus. We sat down in the lobby and we started pulling out all of our dollars and started counting all of our change in dollars to see exactly how much money we had left. After a few minutes, this guy came up to us and said out of the blue,

I think I know what problem you're in right now. I was in a problem like that when I was your age and someone saved me and I'm going to pay it forward. So I want to pay for your bus fare to get you home. We were astounded. We looked at each other like, what in the hell is going on? We don't know this person. I'm also kind of scared. Like, what does this mean?

But he walks us up to the counter and he pays for our bus fare. I look back and I even think, how could two kids get bus tickets across their state? They didn't ask for IDs, nothing. We gave fake names. And this random person, this stranger, paid for our fare twice.

Once again, this was another sign that this is meant to be. We're moving in the right direction. We were, of course, just giddy that this was a gift from the universe and we're moving. We're going to rock and roll. We're taking off.

The bus ride itself was about six and a half hours. By the time that we got to our destination, we got dropped off in the middle of the night. I remember it being pitch black. It was cold as hell. It was around November. And in this area of the state, it's snowy outside. It's cold. When we get there, Emory tells me that we're not actually there yet.

that the area we need to get to is outside of the city. And so we're gonna walk. I remember just how cold that walk was. We took all of the clothes that we could out of our backpacks and put it on our bodies, layered up as much as we could. I remember being freezing and feeling like I walked forever.

As an adult, I've looked to see that that walk was 22 miles on a freeway. I think it's a miracle, frankly, that some kind of crime of opportunity didn't happen, but also that we were able to make that, that we didn't get hit by someone on accident. We were on a freeway, it's the middle of the night and it's freezing cold outside. We just kept going. We ended up at a convenience store when we were both just beyond tired.

We stopped at the convenience store and decided that we were both going to take turns sleeping and the other person would be on lookout and we shared a hot chocolate. We slept there for a few hours. After that, we woke up and we were going to keep moving forward.

I want to note at this point, I don't know where I'm at at all. Emery, she is the Pied Piper. I have no idea. I have no experience in this city, in the side of the state. I don't know anyone out here. I've never been here before. I'm trusting that what she's saying and where she's going is where our new life is, where our friends are, and that she knows where she's going.

Around this time, I start asking more questions though. Where are we going? When are we going to be there? Because I'm tired. I'm cold. I'm hoping that we're getting to our new life pretty soon here. We've walked all night. There seems to be no end in sight. She's convincing me that we're getting there. We're getting closer. We walk, I think at this point, maybe another hour more and we end up at another convenience store that is connected to a fast food chain.

We decide we're going to go inside and kind of get our bearings inside of this place. We ended up staying at that convenience store for about most of the day. We did end up venturing out and going to a grocery store down the road. We're having fun. We're pushing each other around inside of the grocery cart. We're in the grocery store, mucking it up with kids. She decides that we will buy a loaf of bread.

Because it expands in your stomach and we can eat that for a few days and we're gonna save our money and that's what we'll eat That's where things started to really unravel. I'm asking more questions. I'm asking who we're gonna stay with and When we're gonna stay with them and she's stalling she's stalling for quite a while we go back to the convenience store because we've decided that that's kind of our home base and

The point where shit started to get real was when I kept pushing her for where we're going and she gets up to the counter and she asks the associate for a phone book. In my mind, I'm like, okay, something's wrong. Like this is not okay. This is not right. She doesn't know who to call. She doesn't know their phone number. She's asking for a phone book.

And sure enough, she fucked with that phone book for a few hours. The pit of my stomach is growing. I didn't know what to do. I felt very lost. I'm at this person's whim. She is obviously spinning. And I think that we were at that gas station convenience store for almost two days. At that point, we ended up getting picked up by the cops.

It was a huge relief at that. Seeing those cops, of course, were very scary. I have never since, thankfully, been in the back of a cop car, but I was shocked that, you know, here I am getting picked up. We get to the station and we are pretty much immediately not cooperative. They separate us and we, at first, won't tell them our names. We give them the fake names that we had given for the bus. They weren't having any of it. They saw right through our shit.

And eventually we do give in. We let them know who we are and they contact our parents. At this point, my head's spinning. I have no idea what is real, what is fake.

Emory started trying to tell me that people had moved and she didn't know they had moved. And so that's why she couldn't get a hold of people or their parents weren't okay with us moving in. There was so much spin happening that I was so overwhelmed. My physical body was not doing well. I had not eaten very much in the last couple of days beyond bread.

I was not using the restroom that often because I was really nervous to use public restrooms. And we really hadn't showered and we'd been in really cold weather and walking really far for days at this point. So I felt like my body was breaking down in a way. I was just a kid.

It was really relieving in a way, but also I was scared. I was really scared for what was going to happen when my parents got me. And I was scared to lose my best friend because we were hours away from our families. Apparently she did have a family friend who lived in the area that was friends with her mom. And she came and picked us up. And I remember crying.

She wouldn't let us talk to each other in the backseat. And when we got to her house, she immediately separated us and would not let us have any contact with each other. We were both able to take a shower, go to the bathroom. And I slept. She had a spare bedroom. I just remember getting into that bed and sleeping hard what felt like a lot of hours. And when I woke up, both my parents and my grandmother was there.

We were not allowed to say goodbye to each other. We saw each other moving. My parents and grandmother took me to a hotel in the area. I'm feeling so lost and confused. I had a sense that things were off, things were wrong, but I didn't know what. I think I knew in my gut that everything that I'd been told was a lie, but I don't know that I was ready to take that in yet.

We get to the hotel and it's decided that I'm going to fly home with my mom and my grandma, my dad and my stepmom. We all have pretty much a family conference at the hotel. It's decided that I'm not going to have any contact with her again. It's discussed that she has been lying to me. All I shared with my family was that she had been abused. My family was not familiar with

with all of my friends on AIMS and everyone that I had talked to and these people we were going to start our new lives with. They really didn't ask those questions, which I think back now there could have been some different questions asked. And so it was really only when I got home and got back to school is when shit got real. It got really real.

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And this is... I mean, Catfish wasn't a show. This word didn't exist. This wasn't even something that I would consider. You'd hear things about older people talking to younger kids and things, but it was never a consideration that kids to kids would be lying to each other and faking whole identities and lives and backgrounds, which she did. There were so many...

So many people that we talked to that just didn't exist. Immediately when I go on AIM, they're gone. They're gone. My life is changed. My life, it felt like it was over. Everything that I had known and had grown into the last year, it was gone. She did not return to school for a couple of weeks.

I felt like I was there to take the brunt of everything. Everyone knew. Everyone. Teachers, students, everyone in school knew. And it was obvious I had teachers pulling me aside and sharing their personal details of things that they struggled with when they were a kid. It was so embarrassing because

I didn't tell anyone that the biggest reason why we ran away was because my best friend was being abused and also led to believe that all these other best friends were people that we were going to go start a new life with. People didn't know that. They knew that she had lied to me, but that was mostly the other kids knew that. The adults didn't know any of this.

Our friend River had been helping my parents with the search of us. During this time, she was helping really both of our parents trying to understand. She was one of our closest friends in our common friend group. She had been in contact with all of the friends on AIM as well. During that time, it had come to light where River had shared with Emery's mom the things that Emery had said.

She was very blunt about that these were the things that Emery had told us and the stories of the abuse as well as just the general stories, the military stories, the other friends in different states. And Emery's mom was pretty much able to very quickly dismiss that. She was a very genuine person. Getting to know her after this situation

And so I think that everyone who was involved in finding us, they were able to see pretty quickly that those things were not real.

Emery's mom started to share with the group that this was actually not her first time having issues like this. It had never escalated like this, but that she had been concerned with Emery and had been working to get her help because she had issues with lying all through her life. She had almost been kicked out of her last school.

for lying and having issues within friend groups. That's how my parents were able to really explain to me that these things weren't true.

They had the high level facts, I should say. They didn't have all the details, though. They didn't understand the relationships and how far these things went in terms of all the friendships that had been built online. But they knew enough to be able to tell me that

It's not true. The things that she's been telling you are not true. And it was really when I got back home and started to connect with my other friends, especially River, that things really started to become a reality to me that it wasn't true. I did confront Emery, but it ended up being a couple months later. She was absent from school for a few weeks. At this point, no one knew that

what happened with her. I still felt like I had a scarlet letter walking around. And when she came back to school, I didn't talk to her at all. I didn't look at her. I didn't have anything to do with her because I was hurt and I was confused and I was embarrassed. And there was just so many emotions that I'm totally overwhelmed. The punishment that I received was that I had to

follow around my mother for months, which in itself was a traumatizing experience. And I was kind of pissed off that I felt like some of this was her fault and that I'd been duped.

After a few months passed and the initial feeling started to wear off, I think that the, not necessarily codependent, but this toxic feeling of wanting to be in her presence was stronger than my anger. And it got to a point where I wanted to connect with her again. I missed her friendship.

I did confront her over AIM as these things tend to go. And she did admit to it, but it wasn't really, I'll just say the apology and the admittance didn't feel, it didn't feel real to me either. I don't know if she believed what she said or if she didn't even understand the weight of her words or the capacity of what she said.

would bring to people, but it was enough to convince me to continue a friendship with her. But it wasn't enough to feel like I could really trust her again. River was able to get her to admit that she had lied about more than she admitted to me. But to me, it was pretty general. And it was more around, sorry that I...

convinced you to do this. Not necessarily even all of these people were made up, but maybe some of them were. And some of the stories, maybe they weren't 100% accurate. It was never a full admittance of guilt, just enough to make me feel comfortable enough to continue talking to her. As our friendship continued, though, the dynamic changed

immediately. I was not being led anymore by her. I refused that position and it turned more into her following my lead. I changed at that point. I wasn't necessarily as risk adverse as I once was, but I also wasn't willing to let her hurt me again. I'm surprised that I was able to maintain a friendship with her, but I ended up becoming really close with her mother

I actually found her to be a really lovely person that I got along with really well. It really made me really angry at Emery that she would make up lies about such a great person who genuinely loved her and cared for her in such a way that honestly, I wanted my own mother to love me. I didn't receive the same care and attention that she did from her own.

That added anger towards her about the things that she had made up about this person. Her mom had never had ill feelings towards me. In fact, I think that I was, sounds really cheesy to say, but kind of like beloved when we started to have more relationship together because I think people looked at it that I was willing to give her another chance. And I guess that's true, but I didn't really look at it that way.

I missed this person that I felt like I had this really genuine connection on. I look back and I think of it as trauma bonding, not necessarily a healthy connection. But at the time, it felt like the deepest connection I'd ever had with a person. And I missed that. My parents did not know that I was getting closer to her again.

I started to introduce that very slowly in a way that I was hopeful that they would not react negatively to.

I remember she brought in, this was the days when we had binders. I don't know if kids still bring binders to school, if that's a thing or not, but you would decorate the inside of your binder. You know, you'd want to get like the one sleeve you can put pictures in. This is like you're showing off who you are with your binder. And there was this picture of these guys sitting on a fence.

And she was showing me her new binder and she was like, "Oh, this is my brother's van." I'd never met her brother. I didn't know who he was or who he looked like because he lived with his dad in a different state. I pointed at one of them and there was this feeling inside of me that was, I don't know what you would call it, but I just said immediately that that's going to be my first boyfriend. She

was immediately upset. What? What's wrong? And just like, that's my brother. I just knew that that person was going to be my first boyfriend. I've never had a knowing like that before. We continued on with our friendship as things were of course different, but we still maintained the friendship. And then later on in that summer, her brother ended up coming to stay with his mom for the summer. And

Eventually, my parents were allowing us to have like day visits. I ended up going over to her house and we went to a water park with her brother and her cousin. Her brother was four years older than me and it was pretty much immediate that yeah, he was going to be my first boyfriend. We had instant chemistry.

He looked exactly like Kurt Cobain, which being obsessed with Nirvana and all things grunge at the time was the coolest thing that had ever happened to me. She was immediately horrified. It was...

Terrible. That whole summer, we all spent together, her brother and I heavily flirting and ended up being in a boyfriend and girlfriend relationship, my very first relationship.

I remember having to tell her when we decided that we were going to start dating. I specifically took her out swimming by ourselves because I knew she was going to be really upset. And she was. She was mad. She was so mad. Her brother and I ended up dating. Our relationship was long distance. We lived in a different state. And we ended up dating for a few years after that. And she...

was constantly meddling. She was telling me that he was cheating on me, that he was talking to other girls, that when she spent time down in that state with them, that he wasn't interested in me.

I remember her telling me that he was dirty in the bathroom and that he didn't know how to flush the toilet. I mean, anything that she could think of to talk poorly about him, she would. She didn't think that we should be together.

But at this point, I didn't care because she already fucked with my life. And I was really happy. And I really enjoyed him. I enjoyed our relationship. And her friendship, frankly, was something that I was willing to sacrifice. We're growing apart. When I'm seeing her, it is not as important as my relationship to her brother was. That was obvious. She became friends with another girl.

I've come to find out that it was really similar to the friendship that she had with me. They became very, very close very, very quickly. Around this time, she came out as identifying as bisexual. And so her and this girl ended up starting a relationship together. It got kind of scary. I wasn't close to this girl at all, but...

our friend River was and our friend River had warned this girl that you need to be careful because as wild as it was at this point it was kind of a known fact throughout all of the school that Emery's a liar like it just was something we knew we were all okay being around her being friends with her no one was mad at her anymore people didn't treat her differently it was like how I have brown hair

Emery is a liar. Something we talked about, something we openly knew because she never stopped lying. She would lie about anything. She'd lie about everything, any little thing or large thing. It's like she couldn't stop. She continued to lie and we continued to be her friend and know it. So she built this friendship and relationship with this new girl, started to lie to her and

I had found out that things got pretty serious between the two of them. About midway through high school, we ended up pretty much falling out of touch. My relationship with her brother was more important than my relationship with her. She knew that there would be points where I would end up only seeing her if her brother was in town. We really fell out of connection.

She ended up moving to the state that her dad lived and moved in with her dad during our senior year of high school. After that, our connection would be pretty hit or miss over the years. Sometimes we would connect online, say hello over text message. If she would come to town, she'd always want to see me. Sometimes I would. And honestly, mostly it'd be to see her mom because I knew that I'd be able to see her mom too. And

We just really didn't have much of a connection. The last time that I saw her, I was freshly 21. So is she. I was living in the downtown area of our state and she came up with her new girlfriend. She wanted to visit me and I said, okay. I brought one of my friends as a buffer. We met at this beach park.

I'm assuming we're gonna walk around and it's just gonna be a relaxed afternoon. Immediately she has a huge bottle of tequila and they want to get drunk. They get in the back of my car and start drinking directly out of this bottle of tequila, which mind you I'm I am 21. I am

thoroughly enjoying my legal status to drink. I had been drinking for years before that, but it was lovely to go into bars and do whatever the hell I wanted legally. But I was not about this. This was like a whole new level, especially with someone that I haven't seen in years and really don't feel all that comfortable with.

We convince them, let's not just get drunk in the car. Why don't we go out to a bar? Let's go down the street to a neighborhood that has a cute little bar that we can get some food and drink there. We end up driving over there and we get outside the bar and she tells me that her girlfriend doesn't have her ID. And we're like, shit, what are we going to do?

We go inside, we just decide it's more risky behavior, we're just gonna go for it. We go in, we order drinks, no one gets carded, and then come to find out afterwards her girlfriend mentions to me that she's only 19.

So now I'm with someone who is illegally drinking inside of a bar, already intoxicated, mind you. And I'm like, oh my gosh, why am I doing this? Why am I doing this again? I feel like every time I get together with this person, I'm going to get in trouble somehow or something. My safety is within question.

About 20 minutes of us being together, her and her girlfriend get up and say they're going to go outside for a few minutes. Okay. And they proceeded to be gone for almost 45 minutes, walking back and forth, back and forth outside of this bar that has huge windows that we can see them. They're laughing and they're not saying anything to us. And when they come inside, they're obviously laughing.

on something. I don't know what. I have no idea, but I'll tell you their mental state was very much altered at this point. And I think it was probably a little bit stronger than just me. And I called it. I said, I'm done. I told my friend, I'm ready to go. I am over this. And

We walked outside. I really didn't make a confrontation. I didn't tell her I was upset. I didn't say anything like that. We both walked towards where our cars were. She tried to convince me to dumpster dive at a chocolate factory that was right next to us. And I told her, no thanks. And I haven't talked to her since. It was a huge reminder to me of this person who is

not stable and not healthy for me. Once again, it showed to me she had this way of pushing always, always, anytime we were in an interaction. This was not even the first time that she had tried to convince me to do other things too.

I had gone on a family vacation with her mom and her mom's side of the family. After high school, we smoked weed together quite a few times. Always things that I wasn't really super comfortable with because she was always doing them in such a way that felt really reckless. We could get in trouble and get caught. I mean, weed was not legal then. And she was so in your face about it. At one point when we were

a family cabin with all of her extended family was so pushing me to do acid with all of them. And I'm like,

I have never done acid before at this point. I have no idea how I'm going to feel. And I'm certainly not going to do that with your whole family here. There was always this, let's just keep pushing it and pushing it, you know, and she wasn't scared. She had done acid at Disneyland. Her and her cousin had

dropped Molly at the park. I mean, there was always these grandiose stories trying to loop me in and get me involved in things that I didn't feel comfortable with. As I got older, I resisted against it more and more because I knew that I didn't feel safe and I wasn't interested in it. As I've gotten older too, I think a lot about how could I fall for this? How could I be involved with someone who treated me this way?

In a pretty recent conversation with my therapist, we talked about that I have a pretty high level of putting up with bullshit in such a way that I can love myself for it today and say that I'm a very compassionate person. I like to help people. I want to be there for everyone.

And I have learned and I'm still learning that that's not always healthy. I have to put up boundaries. I cannot save people and I have to put myself first. But at that time, I was okay with dealing with the bullshit probably a lot longer than others would.

Thank you so much for your time and energy sharing your story on the podcast. I am incredibly sorry about what you experienced in this relationship. And I appreciate you sharing it because I think it is such a cautionary tale about peer pressure.

I've always heard that term growing up. I've heard it so much that I didn't necessarily recognize the real impact of peer pressure and how that kind of works psychologically, especially when you're preteen, teenager age. Peer pressure can have effects.

significant impacts on people, like a decrease in their self-esteem. It can lead to poor academic performance. It can impact their relationships with their other friends, their family members. It can lead to an increase in depression and anxiety. And so...

I think it's just really important for people to be aware of the escalation that can occur and sort of the signs to look for when there is a change. Because like you said, you were such a rule follower before this relationship. Even hopping that first fence for you was like such an uncomfortable feeling because that was not who you were as a person. It led to...

so much emotional turmoil for you and I appreciate you sharing and being brave and willing to be so open and share it with everyone.

Thank you. I really appreciate it. Even a few months ago, I don't think that I would have said, oh yeah, I'm going to share this story on a podcast. It's always something I've walked around with knowing this crazy thing that happened to me and it feels like a different person. It doesn't even feel like me in some ways. At the same time, I resonate more now with the

parental side of stories than the child side of stories. And it occurred to me one day, being careful, asking your kids more questions, being involved, and like you said, really watching for the things of, are they changing? Are they acting differently? Who are they spending time with?

I do wonder what would have been differently if my parents had asked different questions or been more involved in ways that made me feel comfortable in sharing her experience and sharing my experience prior to this. Hindsight's always 20-20. But for me, it's just sharing that these kind of things can happen as a kid and not just as an adult too. Thank you so much for listening. Until next time, stay safe, friends.

Something Was Wrong is a Broken Cycle Media production created and hosted by me, Tiffany Reese. If you'd like to support the show further, you can share episodes with your loved ones, leave a positive review, or follow Something Was Wrong on Instagram at somethingwaswrongpodcast. Our theme song was composed by Glad Rags. Check out their album, Wonder Under. Thank you so much.

If you like Something Was Wrong, you can listen early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Before you go, tell us about yourself by filling out a short survey at wondery.com slash survey. She struck him with her motor vehicle. She had been under the influence and then she left him there.

In January 2022, local woman Karen Reid was implicated in the mysterious death of her boyfriend, Boston police officer John O'Keefe. It was alleged that after an innocent night out for drinks with friends, Karen and John got into a lover's quarrel en route to the next location. What happens next depends on who you ask.

Was it a crime of passion? If you believe the prosecution, it's because the evidence was so compelling. This was clearly an intentional act. And his cause of death was blunt force trauma with hypothermia. Or a corrupt police cover-up. If you believe the defense theory, however, this was all a cover-up to prevent one of their own from going down. Everyone had an opinion.

And after the 10-week trial, the jury could not come to a unanimous decision. To end in a mistrial, it's just a confirmation of just how complicated this case is. Law and Crime presents the most in-depth analysis to date of the sensational case in Karen. You can listen to Karen exclusively with Wondery Plus. Join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app, Apple Podcasts, or Spotify.