S18 E6: (5/7) [Amy + Amy S.] Very Calculated
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My name is Amy. I met Caitlin through Facebook dating. At the time, I thought I was bi-curious or exploring that. I met her the weekend that I was celebrating my 29th birthday. We talked for a little while.

We connected on spirituality. She believed in God and I believe in God. We connected on some of our mental health background and having PCOS. She also was supportive to me when I left a job. I was going to start a new one, but it wasn't something I was sure about. I'm a deep person. I'm an open book. We were just talking about our lives.

we continue this online and then we were supposed to meet on my actual birthday which was February 3rd and that would have made it a Friday. However, I ended up having more plans and every time we would try to hang out she would come up with an excuse to not come to me so I had to go to her.

I'm about 45 minutes away from where she lived at the time. So we ended up meeting the first time on February 8th. I went to her house to pick her up.

We went to dinner. She bought me a book. She bought me a card. Everything seems pretty normal. She did tell me in the car on the way there she was into women and that she was gay. And then she told me a little bit about her sister and how her sister used to be also. But then I ended up marrying a man. She said that her family was supportive. She didn't really talk about her family that much until we got to the restaurant.

where I shared a little bit about my background. And then she shared that she didn't have a very good relationship with her family. And at her sister's wedding, there was a strained situation that happened, but I don't really remember what she said. She did say that her dad had passed away. She said that he was abusive, but I don't know to what extent she didn't really go into that.

Her brother, she didn't have a very good relationship with him either, but she didn't really go into detail about the specifics of stuff

I did a lot of the talking. Believe it or not, I'm not always a talkative person, but I did a lot of the talking about something I read or saw or watched a video about, and she would respond to that. But she did say some things at the time that made me think there's more to her than what she leads on. I do remember we were talking about jobs, and she said that she got fired from a job. She said...

that she got fired because a co-worker had said that she wanted to drug a patient and she said she worked at the woman's shelter. I was like, I don't know why someone would lie about that. That's really shitty. She made a joke saying that she was going to inject someone at work? A client or something. But at the time, I didn't even wrap my head around what she was saying.

It seemed odd, so I just brushed it off because that's like a huge allegation, but at the same time, it wasn't something I was fixated on.

I remember I was telling her about the show I was watching. It's basically innocent people being accused of a crime that they didn't commit and they're in court and they have to speak on behalf of it. And I was like, that's just messed up. When we get further into this, it'll make sense to why. I think she's a very calculated person. The way that we got to know each other was very easy and natural. We had so much in common. Like, oh, here's a bit about me. No way, me too. Right?

or I have the same hobby. She was lined up like in sync and it was very calculated. Dinner was okay. She actually paid for me, which was, I thought was nice at the time.

We had plans to hang out after. I didn't really know what we were going to do. We just decided we're going to go eat and then potentially hang out after, but then she cut it short. She said, I'm so sorry. My stomach hurts. I feel nauseous. Like I'm going to get sick. I need to go home. So I was like, okay, yeah, no problem. Hope you're okay. I ended up going home after that. We chatted a lot. We

We talked pretty regularly throughout the entire day, and then we would kind of stop, and then the next day we would start in the morning, and it was good morning text. We kind of went quickly into saying babe and love and the little pet names. I say it was moving quickly. We tried to see each other a little bit more, but she was telling me about how she did have a car. It was kind of hard to get out of her because first it was...

oh, my car is taken. And I said, what do you mean? And then it was, well, actually, it got impounded and I'm not sure why. And then she was forthcoming and said, I was behind on payments. She kept saying she was going to be able to give a payment and then get her car and then she'd be able to drive. She also told me during this period that she wasn't working. I was helping her look for jobs.

She was a social worker. So I was finding and searching for jobs for her. Being like, oh, try this one. We were talking a lot for the next week. It was the week of Valentine's Day. A couple days before, she had said she was going to an Airbnb. Her friend was going to take her. She's like, I wish you were here. And I said, yeah, me too, but I can't really afford it. So unfortunately, I can't go.

And then she's like, never mind. She sent me a picture of her with a black eye and she said my dog jumped up and hit me in the eye or something like that. There was a time where she was hinting that she needed help financially with something I think it had to do with her car.

And me being me, I was like, "Okay, well, I can help you." And she's like, "Oh, no, you don't have to." I wasn't working, so I didn't really have an income either. I ended up taking out a small loan. So I gave her a little bit of money to help her out with that. And she did pay me back. I don't know what happened after that with her car because the next few times I saw her, she still didn't have it. She said she still didn't have enough and it was just enough to cover something.

On Valentine's Day is when we had planned to see each other again. Our second date, I drove there and our plan was to go to a pottery place where you paint pottery. Then we went to Denny's for lunch because I ended up going early in the morning because she said she had counseling appointments in the afternoon. I drove up. I got her a Valentine's Day gift and

We just started talking, so I didn't go all out or anything crazy. But I just got her like a stuffed animal, a little card, and I bought this book at the bookstore to do with being a lesbian. It's like a prompt book, a journal. I ended up giving it to her because she was really into exploring that. The only contact we ever had was when she asked me to give her a hug to say thank you for the gift.

And then on our way to Denny's, she's like, "I need to ask you something, and I'm really nervous to ask you." I was like, "Okay." And I kind of figured what she was going to ask. I was kind of prepared, but I wasn't. When we were in the parking lot, she had said, "Hey, do you want to be my girlfriend?" And I said, "Yeah." I was thinking about it, too. When she asked me to be her girlfriend, she said, "You're the only person I've ever dated," or, like, the first real relationship she's ever had.

Her behavior was different. You would think we just started dating, let's start telling people and kind of make it a thing, but she didn't really want to right away. She's like, no, not yet. I'd rather wait. And I was like, okay. Me being me, I told my friends because I've been single for a long time. So it was exciting. I was just telling people through my messages and stuff. And then after that, I drove her home and

Things seem normal. I'm excited. She seems excited. She's like, it was so nice to see you. I have those messages where she's like, it was a really good time. Thank you for this time that we had together. The following day, we talked a lot. I was showing her jobs again. She kind of would dodge it.

February 15th. She said, "Babe." And I said, "Yes, darling." She said, "Can I tell you something? It's big, but I don't want you to freak out and decide I'm too much." I said, "You can tell me anything." She says, "So back in September, I was sexually assaulted by a man." I said, "Oh my God, I'm so sorry." When I initially saw that, you don't want to think, "Oh, I don't believe this person because I've been through similar situations." I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt as she continues on.

So she said, it's okay. I just went to the walk-in clinic at the doctor's office because I was worried about the bleeding. And I said, okay. And she said, they did a pregnancy test. I said, are you pregnant? She said, yes. And then she said, if you want to break up, I got it.

I think the way I've always been is I always have that tendency to want to support people right off the bat. So I go straight into that rescue mode. You want to be supportive and be there at someone's side.

because it's a traumatic situation. So I'm thinking she needs someone to be supportive to her. I just told her, you can't scare me away. I don't want to break up. I'll be with you every step of the way. At this point, I'm thinking she's having a baby. There's nothing else.

I mean, I just met her. So there was a part of me questioning, should I stay or should I not? But then I kept reminding myself I liked her for a reason. I'm not just going to be that person that decides to be like, screw you, come out. I was communicating with my friends because I was like, she's pregnant and I don't know how to react.

I was told by my friends you should go see her because she was saying she was at the hospital and they were doing tests on her. I was having a few drinks at home. I wasn't drunk, but I just wasn't able to drive. So my friends were saying, you need to ask more questions. They were asking me a million questions and I was like, I don't know.

At that time in my life, I didn't believe in asking people things that they didn't want to tell me. I used to think it's none of my business unless they want to tell me. I couldn't tell if she was pregnant or not. There's no way to know. I've heard people say, I'm pregnant and you would never know. So I was telling my friends and they were saying, so she must be this far along. So I'd ask her, are you this far along? And she's like, yeah, basically 24 weeks is what she said. She did say it.

I'm shocked because she also has an IUD. So at that time, I was more focused on, okay, what can I do? I guess as a trauma response, I was trying to be that person. I really wanted to be there physically with her, but I couldn't. So I was like, this is the best that I can do right now.

She said, I just went to the hospital for the ultrasound. They haven't done it yet. I just got here for it. And I said, how are you doing? Are you alone? Do you need me? She said, I'm alone, but it's fine. I'll be okay. And I said, okay. How's your well-being though? She said, it's okay. I guess I'm in shock. I said, I mean, I would be too. It's a lot to take in. She said, yeah. And then I said, I wanted to be there with her. She said, it's okay. I'm okay. I said, I'm going to call you in a minute.

What she says next kind of made me raise an eyebrow because she was like, "Am I in trouble?" I just kind of felt like it didn't seem real, but in my thinking, I was like, "I don't want to question her because I don't know what she's going through potentially."

She said, "Okay, I'm going for my ultrasound and can't have my phone. I'll call you after, babe." I said, "Okay, babe, I'm here." And then she said, "Sorry." I said, "What are you saying sorry for? Are you good to talk?" She said, "I just feel bad that it took so long. I'll call you soon." So she ended up saying, "Hey, I just got home. Don't think I have the capacity to talk about what's happening. It's not me shutting you out or not wanting to talk to you. I'm just overwhelmed. I am okay and everything will be fine. I just need to process."

I just said, "I understand." And then the next day, which is the 16th, she was saying, "Good morning." And I said, "Good morning. How did you sleep?" She said, "Surprisingly, I slept well." I said, "Well, I'm glad for that." And then I had an interview, so I said I would talk to her after.

I said, "How are you really doing? What is your thought process? Where is your brain at? Are you thinking of keeping the baby adoption? This must be extremely difficult for you and I'm here for you no matter what." And then she says, "Well, I found out my ultrasound last night that the baby doesn't have a heartbeat and that's why I was bleeding. So I have to deliver her this weekend."

I said, "Does anyone else know? You really shouldn't be allowed to do that." She said, "My friend knows and is coming with me." I said, "Okay, I'm just confused as to why they let you go home." So I started asking questions. I was also telling my friends the same thing because I was like, "What the heck is going on?" They were just like, "How did she get home?" or "Why did they keep her at the hospital?"

She had an answer for everything. She said it was because you don't have to have the baby right away. You're allowed to have time. If you don't believe me, that's fine. So there's that manipulation. I did want to have a conversation with her over the phone, and I did tell her at some point that I needed to see her. This is a lot for me, but I didn't want to admit it to myself at the time. I was going through job change, and I was going through my own stuff in my personal life, so I didn't know if I could handle it.

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Originally, she said her friend was going with her and not to worry, you don't need to come. So I was like, okay, I'm here on standby if you need me. And then in an instant, she said, okay, my friend, she has the flu, so she can't come. I was like, I need answers. So that's why I decided to go there. When I ended up going, I left early in the morning.

She did appear to be distraught a little bit. I ended up going into her apartment where she lived with her mom. She told me they lived together. And the state of the apartment was a disaster. She's like, "Please don't judge me. My apartment's a really big mess." And I was like, "You're going through a lot, so I understand." But there was a dog hide on the ground and there was dog poop on it. It was used.

It wasn't a cleanly environment. And then the couch was broken in half. So we're sitting on this broken couch and she's like, you can ask me whatever you want. I don't know what to say because I'm still processing it. So I'm just like,

How can I stay here and question someone that is telling me that they're pregnant and then the next day it's a stillborn and then they need to deliver it right away? So it was like, I didn't really have time to wrap my head around it. It was more or less, let's go, let's go, let's go. Then she's telling me that she's not feeling well. She said, I have to deliver this baby. And I'm like, okay, well, let's go to the hospital here. She's like, oh, I can't. They don't specialize in stillborn births.

So I said, "Okay, well, where do you have to go?" And then she stated the location, which was an hour from where I live

Thursday the 16th, we ended up talking about how are we going to get this Airbnb. I didn't even have any money, but I took out another loan so I can book an Airbnb for us to go so she can do this. She had the hospital on speed dial. So she called the nurse and said, can I come tonight instead? And I didn't really hear anyone on the other side of the phone. She called this number and she was

fully having a conversation with somebody. She was like, can I come now? I don't remember everything, but basically saying, yeah, we can go now. We had to go back to my apartment, 45 minutes there. I wanted to go home because I didn't have anything to eat. I wanted to pack a bag and I wanted to have stuff ready for me to be prepared for this. She ended up meeting my roommate who

which was kind of an awkward encounter because I don't even know how much I told my roommate about it. So I don't think she even knew, to be honest. I let her drive my car, which now that I'm thinking is kind of stupid because if someone is in active labor or is having a stillborn baby, like you would think they can't drive. But in my mind, I was like, well, I don't like driving at night. If you want to drive, you can do that. So...

We're driving to the next location where the hospital is and she's talking about her work as a nanny for a family and how the kid was a menace apparently and he was horrible to work with but she just did the job anyways because it was convenient for her. We went to the hospital in London, Ontario. She went in, she's like, I'm only, I think she said four centimeters. She

She was crying, not bawling her eyes out, but she was crying. You could tell she was under distress. I was trying to be comforting and just saying, I'm sorry that you're going through this. And then that's when we went to the Airbnb. I started making food and I'm like, you need to eat something. I don't know how long it's been since we both ate. I'm making us dinner. She's like, I'm probably not going to eat anything. My stomach hurts. And then this is what was...

a red flag to me because she was asking to take my car to go back to the hospital. And I was like, why do you want my car? The food was already on in the frying pan and she wanted to leave right then and there. She's like, I'll come back. But in my gut, I was like, why would you want to take my car? I couldn't understand it. She didn't really have a reason to.

other than to go to the hospital and come back to check on herself again. She kept saying she's not feeling well, like her stomach really hurts, she's in pain. So I'm just like, okay, well, we can go as soon as we get this food cooked so I'm not leaving it on the burner. But after the food was done, I said, sorry, I'm not letting you drive my car.

That's when she started to feel better. So she was like, "Oh, I'm feeling okay." She didn't really eat much. And then she's like, "You should have a shower. The doula is going to be here soon. She'll be here at 9:00 PM." She had put on the episode of Grey's Anatomy where April has a stillborn baby. And she's like, "Oh, I want to watch this." It's kind of twisted, but it's just my sense of humor to kind of get me through this.

I thought maybe that was her way of dealing with it, but I didn't really respond to it. I believe it was still on when the doula came.

My name is Amy S. I am a doula, an advocate. I came to doula work because it was a burning passion. I always knew that I wanted to be a doula, even when I didn't actually know what a doula was. When I was in high school, I was probably like 16. And

Somewhere on the internet, I came across a doula training and just knew that one day I would do that right alongside being a yoga teacher. So at 30, I became a doula and a yoga teacher. I'm

I'm Indigenous. I am Woodland Cree and Métis. My ancestors signed Treaty 6, and in the 60s, my biological father and all of his siblings were scooped by the government, and they were either put in foster care homes or day school programs, the residential schools within Canada.

I was removed from my family. I didn't get to grow up knowing them, but I found out that my great-grandmother was an Indigenous midwife. And that's really cool to me because I've just always felt called to this work and knowing that someone in my family was

Also within this scope of providing these services has been a big part of my reconnection journey to my Indigenous family and building those connections. And now I kind of have deeper meaning as to what this work means for me.

Caitlin texted me in February of 2023 asking if I still provide law support. For me, law support looks a little bit different. I think that's just because of all the different modalities that I work within as a doula. A lot of times the support that people are looking for is actually after the loss of

or during the loss, physically being with somebody while they're experiencing a loss or afterwards when they're not sure how to cope. That's typically where I come in personally, just being there while they're experiencing the loss. I have a lot of people who recommend me for the after because I'm the person that will sit with them and listen to their stories and hold space.

I also see the healing power outside of just talking. When you look at healing and you look at trauma and grief and loss as a whole, we tend to forget that those are all held within our body. We kind of say, just talk about it and it'll get better. And that's not always the case. We hold all of those emotions in our body and sometimes movement is what's needed to

like somatic exercising, breath work.

All of those things, those are different exercises that I do with people who come to me after the loss has occurred and they are still struggling as a doula. I get text messages and calls a lot of times from different people looking for services. For my story, that was not out of the ordinary for me. I have social media. I'm just not super present on it. No red flags.

For me, when she reached out through text, we had a quick text conversation. She just said, "I'm experiencing a loss. I don't have a support system. I would really like to chat with you about that." It was Wednesday, February 15th. I said, "I have time this evening if you want to do like a quick FaceTime chat." So later that evening, probably three or four hours later, we video chatted. We talked for about an hour.

She explained her story and that was kind of it. I felt so heartbroken for her. She touched on all of my soft spots and hooked me into offering her my support.

When we initially spoke during that first conversation, she told me that she was a student at King's College here at Western. She was in her last year of social work. She lived on campus with roommates.

and that her pregnancy was the result of a rape. She didn't tell me who had raped her and because of the trauma and the grief with the situation, I didn't press for details at that point. She had said that she was 24 weeks pregnant and she had gone in for a check and they had not found a heartbeat on the ultrasound.

And that she'd had a conversation with the OB, that they had agreed to let her try to spontaneously go into labor so she could vaginally deliver the baby and that she would have two weeks to do that. She had chosen to go into spontaneous labor, so to try without being induced or having a DNC. She didn't want to do anything like that.

She really felt passionately about vaginally delivering her baby and having a beautiful birth experience, even though she knew that her baby would not be breathing when she came out. So she was very aware of the situation. Those were her choices. I didn't see any red flags.

During our initial consult, we spent an hour video chatting. She was very open, what seemed like very honest and genuine. I asked, what about your support system? Do you have any family or friends that are willing to support you? And she said that her mom was not supportive.

that she had wanted her to have an abortion and Caitlin refused. So her mom was not going to be involved at all. She said that she did have some friends that lived a couple hours away, but that they were willing to drive to London to support her if she needed it. We got off the phone the Wednesday evening at about eight o'clock.

The Thursday afternoon, she had messaged me and said that she thinks she was having contractions. As the evening went on, they were getting more severe. She told me that she was at the Airbnb and her friend was here with her.

So I didn't feel like I needed to rush over or physically be there with her. She was keeping me updated via text. Things were moving at a reasonable pace.

Then on the Thursday evening, about 9.30, she texted me saying that they were getting really intense and she wasn't sure that she could handle the pain. So I asked her if she wanted me to come over. And she was like, are you sure you're not going to be upset with me having to come over? Very like apologetic person.

But knowing the trauma and the grief that people go through in their life, that's not unheard of to be apologetic. And just based on the conversation that we'd had, I already knew that she had a lot of trauma. So I was just very reassuring, like, "I don't mind. It's fine."

When I look back now, it's very interesting to me. I say that I didn't pick up on any red flags, but when I was leaving, I made the joke to my husband like, oh, I'm going to send you the address of the Airbnb I'm at just in case I die or something like that.

I said it as a joke, but I think intuitively, instinctually on some level, I knew that something wasn't right. But I didn't have any reason not to believe her or that anything was wrong because who in their right mind...

would lie about something so traumatic that so many people have endured, right? I said it as a flippant comment to my husband, but I did send him the address. And then I remember after that weekend, after everything had come out, I really was like, my God, anything could have happened to me during that time.

I got to the Airbnb at about 10 o'clock. When I walked in, it was just Caitlin in the room. Her girlfriend Amy was in the shower. I sat on a chair and Caitlin and I were talking. It was awkward.

her girlfriend who at the time caitlyn had told me was just a friend of hers i had no idea that they were dating or girlfriends or seeing each other anything like that and they didn't act like that when they were together when i got to the airbnb i had texted caitlyn and let her know that i was there and she had come up the stairs opened the door let me in i came down into the airbnb and walked into the room and

Caitlin was watching Grey's Anatomy. She was watching the episode where April and Jackson are going through the loss of their son.

When you think about it from perspective of somebody going through a traumatic situation, I have a lot of experience and education in trauma. And when you think about it from that point of view, it's not that unreasonable to want to be comforted by someone else's experience. So going in and seeing the Grey's Anatomy episode that was on, she said this episode, it's really helping me with my own feelings and my own loss right now. And I was like, that's great that you've

found something that's helping you cope with this in the moment. That for me just goes to show how aware she is of what she was doing. When people are like, she was a social worker and she had access to all these vulnerable people. Absolutely. She 100% did, but she also knew how to really manipulate people and have them believe this story. She was very, very good at playing the part.

At one point, I made a joke, somebody give her an Oscar or something. And it's sad to think about the amount of people who may be going through a loss or have experienced a loss or will experience a loss and

Watching an episode like that could be very helpful to them and then having myself or another doula come into a situation where it could be similar and they've heard this story, it's going to bring up red flags for them in that situation where it really might not be necessary. There were no red flags, honestly.

I went in, took a shower, and then by the time I was out, the doula was there. And this is when it was real to me because I didn't really process any of this. A little bit of a backstory about my life without getting into too much is we had a death of a child. So this was extremely triggering for me because I don't know how to react. I don't know how to engage. I was just beside myself.

This is potentially a traumatic event, so I'm going through trauma. I'm either like fight, flight or freeze and I was frozen. As soon as I saw the doula, I was like, I don't know what to do. I don't know how to act. So I sat on the couch and I was just staring at her. That's when everything, all the trauma unfolded. She had music going, like soothing music for birthing or a playlist on Spotify specifically for that. And

And that's when the contractions started. I have never experienced being around someone who is having a baby, so I didn't really know any different. I thought the sounds were legit, and I was like, "Oh, this is happening." I'm just sitting there on the couch, staring off into the abyss. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to react. The doula got there, and it just happened to be that she gets contractions, essentially.

Like all of a sudden, it just out of nowhere started. She starts taking deep breaths. It was so surreal. She was on her knees, different positions, making the noises and the noises would get louder and louder, deeper and deeper, and then she would be fine. It dragged on all night. I believe the doula got there around nine at night and then

And when it ended, it was like 2:00 in the morning. So this was an all night thing. She would want to go outside and walk around and do contractions. She would get excited like, oh, I can walk down the street. No problem. I feel like jogging. It was like a rainy, cold night, but it wasn't pouring rain or anything. And then she would break down and start crying. So it was very emotional.

She's having contractions. I have given birth myself three times. I've been witness at many births.

Shauna's audio on her having contractions last summer. It's very believable. The audio that people are going to listen to from August of 2022, and you fast forward from August of 2022 to February of 2023 to when I was with her, the intensity and the believability of

of what her labor, those sounds, the actions that she made

Every time she does it, she just gets better. It's mind-blowing. I remember being on the floor with her. She was on her hands and knees, having these intense contractions that are five minutes apart, lasting for 40 seconds. And I'm right on the ground with her, on my hands and knees, bent down, like my face to her face, talking to her and comforting her and telling her how incredible of a job she's doing.

She was doing an incredible job at faking something. It blows my mind how real it seemed when all of this came out. There were a lot of people who were like, well, how could you tell that it wasn't real? Well, when you look at these, you know, look at Katherine Heigl in like whatever movie that was where she was in labor and she was contracting, like Caitlin was a hundred times more believable and she's not getting paid millions of dollars to be in a movie.

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I only spent four hours in person with her. I think the reason that I spent so little time with her is because I do have some experience as a doula, whereas a lot of the doulas who were involved were newer doulas. And some of them, this was the very first client that they were working with, which is just horrific to think about. I am very good at setting boundaries.

So when I was with her, we were moving around. She was squatting. She was hot. So she's taking her shirt off. She's down on the ground. I'm, you know, rubbing her back and comforting her and talking to her. At one point, her girlfriend...

Amy and I were both sitting on either side of the bed and she was sitting there just crying on this bed because she couldn't do this. And her contractions had kind of stopped at that point. We had had the discussion about going to the hospital to get checked out.

Her labor started to stall, which is not unheard of, especially if you have trauma around a hospital, which she said she had trauma around the pregnancy, which she had. It was the result of a rape. Like that's already traumatic as it is. And then the thought of having to vaginally birth a baby who's not going to be alive when they come out, all of those things in once, it makes sense that that labor would stall once they got her pregnant.

calm and she was comforted. We went outside for a walk. We were doing the curb walking. That's when you walk along the curb, one leg up on the curb, one on the road to try and open your pelvis. Her contractions started to pick up there. Her girlfriend Amy was supporting her and I was walking alongside them and it's raining outside.

I was hesitant because I believed that the doula was her friend and I was like, I'm being punked right now. I got the impression that they talked before because they were talking about, oh, how's your family? Stuff like that. So I'm like, oh, maybe they know each other. I

I seriously thought because she was saying, oh, my friend was supposed to come on that weekend, but she got sick with the flu. So I'm like, maybe this is the girl with the flu. And this is some kind of a joke. At the time, I was like, I don't know what's going on.

The doula seemed, in my opinion, fantastic with her. She was getting on her level on the ground, holding her hand, doing deep breaths with her, counting down the contractions on her phone to time them. She seemed very knowledgeable. So that's where I was like, well, maybe this is a real doula and I'm just reading too much into it. And then when I saw that, then I was like, okay, so I kind of would get down with her and like I would rub Caitlin's armor here.

And then holding her hand when we were outside and she was doing contractions. That's the most contact I did near the end. I was like, okay, I need to be in this 100%. Because in the beginning, I was just like, is this really happening? Is this real? Just going through my responses of the fight, flight, and freeze. And that's when I was frozen. And then throughout the night, I started to feel a little more comfortable with being supportive.

She would go through different emotions.

She would be giddy and excited. And then as soon as we went back in, she's having a meltdown, crying, breaking down, saying, I don't want this to happen. I don't want to lose my baby. It was more or less her putting us through more emotional turmoil than a sexual point of view. But I could see on her face that she was enjoying the attention after revisiting the whole situation, reliving it.

Those little things would come up in your mind like, "Oh, she enjoyed having that attention." Where in the moment, you're just thinking that she's going through all of these emotions. She wasn't naked at all throughout the entire time. She did take off her shirt during the night, but she wasn't naked or anything. Continuing on, we decided to go to the hospital. I drove her to the hospital. The doula met us there. We went in. She's like, "I want to go alone."

So we're like, okay, you got this. The daughter was like, oh, we understand. We're here for you. It's the middle of the night. Eventually, I was able to convince her to go to the hospital. That was probably around hour three. We went to the hospital. I met them there. The three of us went up to the fourth floor, which is labor and delivery.

When we got outside of the elevators, she had said to us, I just need a minute. I really want to do this part alone. So obviously I have to respect her wishes as a doula. I can't be like, well, no, I'm going to come in the room with you. That's not my job. My job is to be there and to offer the support that somebody wants me to offer them. I can make suggestions and I can say, if you want me to be there, let me know.

This is coming out of COVID, so the hospital still has a lot of policies and they're constantly changing. So you can't necessarily keep track of what you're allowed to do or not do. But again, if Caitlin doesn't want you in the room, then you can't be in the room. At this point in time, she had worked with so many doulas that she knew not to bring us in the room.

I went to my car, her girlfriend went to her car, and we waited probably about half an hour, 40 minutes. And she texted me and said, they're sending me home, nothing's changed. I'm still only four centimeters. So she came out and her girlfriend wasn't back yet to drive her back to the Airbnb. So she sat in the passenger side of my car.

And she said, well, what do we do now? I looked at her and I said, well, if the hospital is sending you home, that's because they don't think anything's going to happen right away. So the best thing for all of us to do is to get some rest. I'm going to go home and I'm going to sleep and you're going to go home and you're going to sleep and get as much rest as you can. She was just kind of like, oh, okay. And I think that

When I said that, looking back now, she was a little surprised and a little shocked at the fact that I wasn't offering to go back to the Airbnb with her and support her.

So we went home. I said, did things pick up? Or if you need me to come back, or if you go back to the hospital, send me a message. And she didn't send me a message the whole night. I don't know what happened throughout the night. I don't know if she went to bed or if she kept up the facade with her girlfriend.

Caitlin came in the car with me. She's like, let's go back to the Airbnb and then try to go to sleep. I was like, okay. It's quiet all night. We're both sleeping, don't hear anything. When she wakes up, she says, oh, I didn't have one contraction at all last night. That's so weird. I was thinking, okay, that's an odd thing to say.

My mom is texting me. I didn't even tell my mom or anybody that I was going there other than my roommate and then the two friends I was texting. But my mom was like, the snowstorm got really bad last night. Drive safe, thinking I was at home. I just briefly texted her a little bit of information, but I didn't go into detail. And then we ended up leaving the Airbnb and she's like, I need to go back to the hospital. And I said, okay. She's like, I have an appointment. I am not...

the type of person that likes to be driving around somewhere that I don't know where I'm going. Even though I've been to London multiple times, I've never really driven around it for very long. So I was getting frustrated with the traffic and having to drive all around and find the hospital. The hustle and bustle of people being at the hospital is crowded. She wanted me to drop her off so she could go in by herself.

She said, same thing. I'm only four centimeters dilated. I said, okay, what are the next steps? And this is when she started to say, you don't have to be here if you don't want to. I understand if you want to leave. And I was like, no, don't worry about me. I'm here for you. Even on the back of my mind, I'm like, I don't think I should be here.

That's when my instincts started to kick in. And I was like, I don't know. She hasn't had the baby yet. What's going on? I was questioning everything, but I couldn't first pinpoint it and completely say you're lying because I had no idea. Why would someone make this up? Then she said, we have to get another Airbnb. And I said, I don't have any more money. She's like, okay, that's fine. I'm going to ask my sister.

She eventually said that her sister got her an Airbnb. So we drove there. It was eight minutes to the hospital by driving. We drove to that Airbnb. We were a little bit early. So we ended up just going to Walmart. And then we sat in the parking lot for a while. She'll say, oh, my stomach really hurts. Or I'd be like, how are you feeling? She's like, very crampy. But OK. We went to the Airbnb. And that's when she made a joke, like a sexual joke about the beds.

We were looking at the rooms. She said something along the lines of, "This bed creaks. Wouldn't that be annoying during sex?" or something like that. I didn't even think that I heard her correct because I was like, "What?" She ended up going in the shower. I was just watching TV and my mom was like, "I'm going to call you soon and figure out what's going on." And I said, "Okay." And then I told her, "My mom's going to call me soon. Can I tell her what's going on?" And she was like, "Yeah, you can tell her. That's fine."

So she went to lay down. She texted me again. She's like, it's okay if you don't want to be here. I started to question. I don't know if I should be here either. I can't handle this. That's what I was thinking.

My mom ended up calling me and it's this mother's intuition and she basically was like, "Do you see this long term?" And I was like, "I don't know because I just met her." She's like, "Okay, well, I think you should leave, but that's your decision." We continued talking. That's where I was like, if my mom has that intuition and I have that feeling that just confirmed it, you gotta go. So

That's when I decided I was leaving. I felt horrible. I remember texting my friends being like, "I don't know if I should stay." And they actually tried to convince me to stay, to be supportive. And I was like, "This doesn't feel right." I was fighting myself mentally. I was like, "I'm a terrible person. I'm horrible. I should not leave her here." But that's where that flight kicked in. I was like, "Okay, I gotta get out of here."

Did you think you were going to break up with her or were you just like, I need a break from this. I need to go home and get rest and then figure out what I want to do next. It was a mix of that. I didn't necessarily think I was going to end it, but I wanted to see how I was going to feel the next day and give myself time because I looked inward and I was like, this is horrible what you're doing, leaving her. And I left in a shitty way. I just grew

grabbed my stuff, went to the car and text her saying, sorry, I've decided to go home. She's like, okay, I understand. Let me know when you get home. Drive safe. It didn't really seem like a big deal. It didn't seem like it really upset her. I was distant for the night and I was also talking to some of my friends. And that's when I decided I don't think I want to be with this person because

because it was a lot for me mentally and it was very traumatic. I kind of was going to ghost her, I'm not going to lie. But then I had a friend say, how would you feel if someone did that? And I was like, okay, you're right. I shouldn't be a coward. I'll just say my goodbyes.

So I said to her the next day, I said, hey, sorry, I've been so distant. I was just trying to process everything. I know it must be really hard for you. I really thought that I could give you what you needed. I don't think I can.

I'm sorry that happened to you, which I really meant this message and everything I was saying. I said, if it means anything to you, you're the strongest person I know or I've ever met. And I really mean that. Keep your head up. Take your time to heal. Allow yourself some time to feel your feelings. My heart really goes out to you. I just don't think I can be the person you deserve to have with you through this process.

I apologize for the way I left. I should have said goodbye properly. Forgive me for that. Anyways, I don't expect you to respond. I just didn't want to leave things left unsaid. And then she responded the next day saying, is this you breaking up with me? And then I said, I can't give you what you need is what I'm saying. She said, you've made it clear it's what you want. And then I just said, okay. And I didn't talk to her since. The last time was February 19th.

No contact, haven't reached out to her, haven't checked in, nothing. At this point, I just wanted to remove myself from the situation.

The communication that Caitlin and I had on the Friday was I had to be at work and I wasn't available over the weekend. So I was trying to find a backup doula for her. So I had a backup doula who was going to go and support her. I talked to her on the Wednesday and I said, hey, like I have this client. I might need a backup. Are you available? And she was like, yeah, that's fine.

And the Friday morning, I was like, I feel really bad. She still hasn't had this baby. And she was just like, okay. Then I texted her later on in the morning and I just said, I think that she might need you today. And I never got a response back. I sent her a couple of messages and this other doula just kind of ghosted me. I didn't hear from them for months after this happened.

And I don't even know if I shared this with a lot of people, but it turns out that Caitlin had actually done this to her or something similar to her in 2021 is what this person had told me when we finally talked months later. We had one small chat, but it didn't go very deep. We kind of lost touch.

I'm just assuming it was too familiar. I had those thoughts when I found out from her after Caitlin had done this to her and I was for a couple minutes pretty pissed because I was like, if you knew that somebody was doing this and you stopped responding to me because it was triggering, maybe you should have said something. Maybe I wouldn't have involved another doula or maybe I would have looked harder, asked some more questions from other people. But at the same time, I can't be mad at her or blame her.

she was dealing with her own trauma and her own grief around the situation so i am assuming that the situation was just really triggering for her and that she kind of shut down couldn't deal with it so she just didn't answer me and didn't put herself in that situation

When I wasn't getting a response the Friday morning from her, I started reaching out to other local doulas in the area that I knew, trying to find somebody that was supporting people through loss. It was hard because over COVID, a lot of people stopped doing doula work or they were only doing certain things. So it took me a while. One of my doula friends reached out to one of the doulas that worked under her and asked her if

She was available. She had supported people through loss before. So her and I chatted and that turned out to be Audrey. Next time on Something Was Wrong. A doula in my community had messaged a couple of other doulas. She happened to message the agency that I worked for. My initial thought was Caitlin. I was like, is she okay? Did she pass away?

I get there and I parked and she had texted me something. I believe the text was, the door is open. I will probably be naked when you come in. Thank you so much for listening. Until next time, stay safe, friends.

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