#122 - Dan Soder
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Welcome everybody to Stobby's World, 904-800-STOB. Call in, we'll solve all your problems. Returning, favorite, one of our kings of the inner circle, Dan Soder back on the couch. What's up, big brother? Good to be back in Queens. Thanks, man. Does it feel right? I love it. I miss it. Yeah. I really do. I miss Queens. It's a good neighborhood. Oh, we're going to have to put in the BZ Grill order halfway into this episode, Elvis. Yes.

Alright, so when we start the calls, we're going to pause. We're going to give you an order. You're going to fucking call it in. I don't even need to do that. I'll fire that fucking order off right now. Here's what I want. I want a gyro platter. Yep, check. Extra tzatziki. Yep, check. Can of Canada dry ginger ale. Oh, very nice. And extra pita. There he is. Let's fucking get into it. Respect. I would do the cheese-filled sausages. One of those?

Oh, the... No, it's the beef. No, no, bifteki. Bifteki. I might have to do... You know what? Get a bifteki, man. Get it all. Flip it. I'm going to do a bifteki platter with extra tzatziki. I love that. I was a bifteki guy for years. You're the one that put me on the bifteki. I was the one that put you on the bifteki. Going into that restaurant with you and you speaking Greek to them...

that restaurant for me. I was like, oh, this place fucking rules on this BZ Grill so much now that I don't live in Astoria. I know, it is tough. And that's the thing, I think when I leave, I will, because I've taken it for granted recently, where it's just like, you know what, I've had it, I did it. When I first moved here, I had it like, I had it like once a week. Yeah. Like it was fucked up how much I was eating. Oh.

And I also, I do think, unfortunately, the quality has gone down a little over the years. You think so? Just a little bit. It's still great, but... But, man, it was. I think every... It feels safe to say that I feel like the quality of everything has dropped. Yeah, that's... No, that's probably what it is. Like, everything. Everything's more expensive. Everything... Harder to run a business. Yeah. Everything is just, like, people are putting less into the product, more into marketing. Yeah, yeah. So everything's kind of like...

Wasn't this better a couple years ago? Yeah, it feels that way. And maybe, who knows, maybe that's the nostalgia for... Because there was honestly a time in my life where Busy Girl was like the best part of my life. Because like when I very first moved here and I was crashing with my friend who, she lived across, she lived like one block from Busy Girl. That's incredible. And it was like...

The honeymoon period of New York was over. Yeah. It was right when it ended, and I was like, oh, this is going to be really hard. I had, like, I shortly thereafter would get bed bugs. Oh! Like, my life was just so bad. Oh, dude. And I was like, my life's going to suck dick, and I had no money. But, dude, that lunch special at BC Grill, I would go there. You know what's funny is... Ten bucks, get me a gyro of fucking fries and a drink. Oh. Good stuff. That was halal guys for me. Mm.

On 54th and 6th. When I was living on my buddy's futon in Hoboken. Oh my God. And I was working at K-Rock and Dos Caminos, but also doing stand-up. I moved to Astoria, lived in a windowless room on an inflated mattress. And Saturday nights, I would work till 2 in the morning at K-Rock. And then I would go get that fucking...

I would get the chicken and rice with extra pita. Yep. And a fucking 20 ounce of cold Sprite. Yeah. And I would fuck that shit up. I would say that the three places that hold my heart for food are Halal Guys, Neptune Diner, R.I.P. R.I.P. recently. And B.C. Grill. That place was...

It sucked by the end. By the end, it was legit bad. But 10 years ago, you know, still... 20 years ago? 20 years ago, Joe List and I used to go in there late night Monday, blackout drunk, no money, and we would get chicken and rice soup. Avocado soup. Yeah. And then we would get...

grilled cheese. Wow. Talk about a little kid with the flu's order. That's like I'm staying home watching The Price is Right. My mom brings me a tray of that. Did you take school off today? Grilled cheese and chicken. When they put the food down, they kiss your forehead. Yeah.

And you have to say it like this. You have to go, thank you. Yeah, you have to pretend you're a little sicker than you are when your mom comes in the room. Laughing with Joe. And then I go, hold on, they're bringing her food. Thanks. Thank you. Yeah, they hated us. Yeah. Hated us.

They're so loud and drunk. So loud, drunk, fucking running up a $9 tab. Yeah, they're like, great, this fucking guy. But it was Monday. What do you want? You're not getting any business. Totally. Clothes if you don't want to stay. This is who you get at this hour. It's 2 in the morning.

and we're blacked out on a Monday. Beautiful stuff, man. Beautiful stuff. I will say in general, the diners in New York do disappoint me. I think it's because everything is so expensive that to just run a nice cheap diner is kind of impossible. You can't. So everyone tries to make it this like,

No man's land where it's not shitty greasy spoon, but they try and make it sort of appear elevated, but it's still cheap bullshit. Yes. You know, it fucking sucks. What you want is you want them to shoot straight with you and be like, this is shitty eggs and shitty toast. That's right. But it's a little bit better than Waffle House, and you go, great, I'll take it. And the ambiance is good. You get the fucking, it's diner ambiance. I feel like diner ambiance is,

I feel like diners were here when I moved here in 07 and now they're gone. Yeah. Now they're like holding on. A victim of inflation and everything going bad. Dude, the funniest one was this sandwich place on 23rd Avenue, Andrew and Frank's. I don't know if you ever went. Andrew and Frank's, no. It was fucking phenomenal. I know Sal, Chris, and Charlie's. They were down the street. Yeah. And so it was like Bloods and Chris. Yeah.

I never did Sal, Chris, and Tommy's. I never did Sandwich King. Sandwich King, yeah. Until Andrew and Frank's shut down. But I used to go... And then you were forced. You were a refugee seeking... Yeah, I was at the border. They have... Like, I like that place. It's solid. It's good.

I respect them because their thing is like, our sandwiches are fucking huge. Huge. They're like, they're solid. Yeah. They're not like, we're not going to make the best sandwiches. They're like, we're going to make good sandwiches that are the biggest fucking sandwiches you've ever seen in your life. They go, we have a giant dick. We're not going to fuck you up. We don't eat pussy. We don't eat pussy. Yeah.

You can sit on it, get stretched out, or there's nothing else. We do not have anything else. Andrew and Frank, I went in when I did Edinburgh in 2019, when I did Fringe. I came back.

Then I was like, got high. I was like, I'm going to go to Andrew. Walked to Andrew at Frank's. It was like a lovely... No, they were open. That's how you found out they shuttered. That would have been devastating. Yeah, that would have sucked. It was almost worse, though. Okay. Because they had a whole... What I love is, and if you live outside of New York, there's these places where you'll walk in. How you know it's a good sandwich is when there's like...

FDNY badges or NYPD badges on the wall. And like photocopied pictures of them with Robert De Niro. That? A picture of them in Scorsese? Yeah, but like low quality. And then you're going to see about four or five pictures of 24-year-old men that died in the towers. Ha ha ha!

Like, on the wall. Like, there's four or five, and you go, fuck, I know what that's from. Like, they're just like, to Tommy, you'll always be the best brother in the world. And you go, I'm not going to ask. That seems to be around 01. Yeah. But Andrew and Frank's, like, the guy that operated it was awesome. It's very Queens. Yep. They had, like...

Queens themed sandwiches. Love that. Love that. The 718 did fucking rule. What did we get on the 718? It was a chicken cutlet with bacon, provolone. Mm-hmm.

When the chicken cutlets the base and then there's four more ingredients. And there's ham. Or there's bacon, ham, cheese. I might be doing a disjust. If I'm speaking out of turn, if I fuck up, I apologize. No, that's okay. But he was making me a 718. Love that. And I was just, you know, it's that kind of quick. The area code. Where they talk to you about it. Yeah. Where they go like, yeah, you know what I'm saying? I don't know, damn.

Daniel Jones is a bum. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, just talking about the Giants or whatever. Aaron Rodgers, honestly, fucking, he does more ayahuasca. Maybe he'll be better. Yeah. And then I'm like, it's crazy, man, with, like, the rant. Like, you know, I think rant's going up everywhere. He goes, oh, yeah.

our landlord just raised our rent so we're shutting down and I was like what's up he's like making a sandwich he goes yeah we closed I was like oh no like a couple months he goes tomorrow oh my god I was like this is the last sandwich I'm gonna buy and he goes yeah and that was it I took a picture of it I have it in my phone swear to god send it over man we'll post the last picture you ever got I'm gonna fucking send you a picture of a 718 yeah

It's so funny how fast I can recall the picture. Yeah. It's like next to you. It's like right next to you getting engaged. It's your last 718. Katie goes, what is this? I go, don't worry about it. It's a 718. Look, I deleted the pictures of my exes. I got rid of all the nudes, all the sex. I'm keeping the 718. With this 718, dude. There you go. Oh, that's some fucking beauty, dude.

Yeah, that's nice. It's not the most beautiful picture of a sandwich, but you get the idea. You couldn't close it if you want. No. The sides of the bread could not touch. They cannot touch. I love that. And you got the sweet onion kettle chips.

Love that as a company. What's the soda that I got? Probably a Canada Dry. Look at how wet that thing is. That thing looks nice, dude. And I like that because it's big, but it's also like within the grip of it. Because again, some sandwiches are just too big. Some sandwiches you have to cut slices of. Yeah, and that's the one, the slice one, you're like, what am I doing? It's like, what is this? What are you making me do? Now this is lasagna. Yeah.

Now you've turned a sandwich into a casserole. Oh, fuck. I got to eat it with a fork and knife like a fucking psycho? I want to pick it up. I want to be able to hold it, but I expect it to be like a bouquet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. I'll go after it a little bit. Yeah, like I'll go around it. I have a couple bites, strategic bites. But, dude, it is. And then I went to Sal and Chris's, which...

They're unbelievable. Their tuna is... Never been a tuna diver. I get the bomb, the Italian, which is everything. I mean, it's literally, you just empty a deli onto a slice of bread. Big J put me on Sandwich King, and what he does is he slices it into like...

pieces so you share it all that's what I'm saying then it's great well that's what I mean but you gotta do the extra work they've turned it into a party sub yeah it's like look I'm a fat man I get that but it's like my complaint is the sandwich is too big yeah and that's crazy but you can get there you're a size queen too yeah that's the thing it's like I'm a size queen but it's like this is crazy this is insane this is nuts I'm sorry

Yeah, they call my bluff. I'm not a size. I've been talking to big games. I've been talking to a big game with my wide pussy, and then I see that thing, and I'm like, this is too much. What is that? What is this thing? What are you, Milton Berle? You just show enough to win? Yeah. That's what they always say when they do the dick comparing competitions. Yeah, dick contest. How big is your dick? He's like, I just show enough to win. Yeah, I'll just pull out enough to win. That's an uncomfortable amount of penis, sir.

Yeah, I think I do. I've gotten, with age, I want quality over quantity in my sandwich. Oh, yeah. Where it's like, I'd like it to be

Not even the full 12-inch roll, but that weird little in-between kind of 8-inch. A little 10-inch? Yeah, 8 or 10-inch. 8 to 10, exactly. That's what Wawa does. They do a shorty roll. I like a shorty, sure. So it's just a little bit smaller. And I want the bread to be good. And I want the ingredients. You don't realize how important. Now I'm thinking of favorite sandwiches of the past. Shout out to Pasta Mista in Canton. Is that right? They had a cheesesteak. And their regular cheesesteak?

Unremarkable. Yeah. But they also make fresh baked focaccia bread rounds. And you could... Focaccia bread on a fucking... There was a specialty sandwich they make focaccia bread. I never got that sandwich, but then I saw it there and I was like, can I get the cheesesteak on focaccia? And they're like, yeah, sure. Do you remember that era, Eldis?

Were you a part of it? I don't know if I ever got that specifically. That ruled our lives for years. And the thing is... And it's where? It's in Canton. I thought it was Ohio or the Hall of Famers. No, no, no. Just the neighborhood in Baltimore. A pasta miso is a chain, but I don't know if the other ones have the focaccia. And actually, I think they might have stopped the focaccia because I went back like, you know how everyone, you get a nostalgic for a childhood sandwich? Yeah. I ordered it and it just came in a regular roll and I wanted to fucking kill myself. I'm telling you, man. Bread makes...

Memorable sandwiches. And you let that fuck... You order it with... I would order it with a cheesesteak, sauteed onions, mushrooms, mayo. I want to get some hots. A lot of stuff there. And the trick was you couldn't eat the sandwich right away. You let it sit for 15 minutes. Pfft.

And it gets the point. You edge yourself? Dude, it like infuses. You make your sandwich do a. Yeah, literally. Do a dance for me. I engorge myself, dude. Yeah, to the point where it's like you would just tap me and I would nut. But it got to the point. You know where a normal bread would get soggy and it would ruin the sandwich? This, all the juices flowed. But the focaccia just took it like a champ. And every bite was like you were having. You were eating a cheesesteak and you had cheesesteak flavored focaccia bread around it. Yeah, oh my God.

God damn, that was awesome. That's sopping up the soup with it. It was the, yeah, you know the feeling when you sop up something and get the last thing? A whole sandwich made out of that. It's the closest I get to my Swedish roots of being a Viking. Yeah.

Sopping something up with bread. Dude, this was the... Or my grandpa living in Alt, Colorado. I feel like an old cowboy. Oh, hell yeah. Is that the family went over? They were frontiersmen? Well, my dad's family's Swedish. Okay. But my mom's family moved to Colorado when we were taking. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, that whole manifest destiny thing. Sure, sure, sure. From where? Do you know? I think they're Irish. Okay. But from Ireland or like from the East Coast? Great, great is from Ireland. Okay. But my great grandfather. I want to know who was the first Irishman. You got to look into that. My mom's dad was born in like Alt, Colorado. So his dad, I think, was like the one that came west from Chicago. So that's what it is. Oh, wow. Interesting. Because he went bankrupt and then moved back to Chicago. Yeah.

Leaving my grandma to raise. Leaving my great grandma to raise. Oh, so this runs in the family. No, that's my mom's side. My dad's side was the one that bailed on everybody. You know what I mean? You got deadbeats on both sides. No, my mom's family, besides that guy, my mom's family is solid. But I think, you know what's funny? My mom's family was the proper response to a deadbeat. Where they're like, no, we don't do that anymore. My dad's family was like, oh, that's what we do.

Oh, everyone's a deadbeat. That's part of cost of doing business. That's the two ways you can go. You can go either like, we stand by our family now. My mom's family's so good, and my dad's family was like, yeah, fuck that, I'm out. Bills came. Sorry, I hear a little parrot squawking my name.

Getting my dick sucked. But I'm thinking about sandwiches, where my grandma lived. Burgers are tough because burgers, the bun is so important and everyone thinks it's the fucking patty. Very important patty. I'm not going to say negligible. Obviously it's not. You can fuck a patty up. But the bread is crucial. The bread is the quarterback. The patty is the running back. You still need a good running back. But if you got a Hall of Fame fucking quarterback, you're going to be all right.

In this place. Interesting. So like a really good team with no running back is like a grilled cheese, essentially. Yeah, you're just like, oh, this is delicious. Yeah, yeah. If you had a great running back, this thing, you put. Oh, you're right. Great running back with like no, with just shit. Like if you get a great piece of meat and you have to eat it on like.

White bread or cracker cracker bread or some bulls Trent Dilfer. Yeah, hey the man was Rookie Jamal Lewis and priest Holmes. Oh my god backfield before KC priest. Yes We were happy with Jamal and he went to KC and then he had his whole Renaissance. Yeah, that was quite a running back room and

But yeah, man, I remember there was this place, this burger place on the lake where my grandma lived on Clear Lake. I can't say it's the quarterback. I'm sorry. I've been thinking about this. I can't. You can't agree with it? I can't agree with bread being the quarterback. Why? Was bread just the offensive line? Yeah. Yeah. We did it. Yeah. You know what? You know what?

I'll give you that. Because you have unbelievable bread. Because a star bread, you're fine. You're protected. You can put any bullshit on there. You're protected. And you can run a solid offense. And because I was saying with my own analogy, I was like, but if I did get an awesome patty on Wonder Bread, I would be okay. It wouldn't be great, but the bread is so good. You gotta make the most of it. You can just make the most of it. Yeah, you're right. Hold on. Hold on.

You have like an all pro line. Yes, yes. That's the best. Eight seconds in the pocket. And then when you combine the two...

But you're right, yeah, because an offensive line can make dog shit. But then sometimes. Because you can just eat good bread. Yeah. If you really need it to. So you just put a slice of cheese there, you're good. There's a place in San Francisco called Sam's Burgers. It's like a greasy spoon. Love it. Side of the wall. It's my favorite burger in the world. Love it, okay. My favorite burger in the world. Write it down, Elders. We're going to San Francisco. It's called Sam's. I'll be there the night of March 2nd because I'm doing Palace of Fine Arts. So you know I'm going to get some Sam's after that. Love that, dude. Shit, when are we there?

Damn, we're going to miss each other by like a week. Damn it. But they do like almost family backyard bread. Love that. But it makes the burger. The burgers are great. Now we're talking like a bun? Yeah, the bun is almost like a Wonder Bread. Those buns are good. Those are buns. Yeah, that's a good... With the sesame seed. Oh, that's great. Yeah, I know. That's great. Like...

But a lot of times people want the fancy. Well, that's just like not overthinking it, right? The fancy stuff is like you don't want a diva offensive lineman. You want a guy in the trenches, he owes his fucking play. Brioche?

Get that the fuck out of my face. With the focaccia, you're getting a guy that's got an orange visor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's holding out for contract negotiations. He's got pancakes. He's pancaking people, dude. He sells a product based on his blocking skills. Totally, totally. Yes, he's got his own. His pancake batter that he sells. No, pancake batter. How are O-linemen not doing that now? Genius. Everyone's trying to sell booze. Fuck that, dude. Yes. You're an O-lineman. Protein power, pancake power.

Trent Williams. Let's get it. Trent Williams. Sell pancake batter. Yeah, yeah. Because you're so... Call it Trent Williams' Pancakes. Power Pancakes. You gotta call it Power Pancakes. Yeah, you're right. There's so many... Because there's so much... People... It's smart. There's a lot of like Power Pancake or Protein Pancake stuff. It's just pancakes with...

whey protein in it. But they have that Kodiak brand and it's like, anyone can do this. It's like, it's not... But you know what? You throw a little fucking NFL lineman on there. If Lane Johnson is telling me that I'm gonna beef up and that I got a little... Oh, it's a little... Dude, me, 14, if fucking Jonathan Ogden had power pancakes, I'd be like, Mom!

I don't care if you need to work another shift. Get J.O.'s power pancake batter. Get better tips. I want my protein pancakes. Wouldn't it kill you to smile a little more when they come in for calamari? Throw some cleavage out there. Start remembering people's names. Whatever the fuck it takes. I need my power pancakes. You need some better anecdotes, Mom. I'll write bits for you.

Work on your small talk. I need my pancakes. 100%. Dude, Jonathan Ogden's power pancakes. Dude, I would have been in there. I would have been locked in. Dude, how do they not have that? I know, you're a genius for that one, bro. Well, they're going to use it and I'm going to get no credit. Yeah, damn. But I will buy it and go, you know how I fucking thought of this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucking pieces of shit. This episode of Star Visual is brought to you by Booking.com, the official accommodation partner of the MLB. Booking.com. Book.

Booking.yeah. Folks, me and Eldis are out and about. It's springtime. We've been traveling for a couple months now. But you, now that it's thawing out, now that we're leaving hibernation mode, it's time for you to explore a little bit. Take some trips across the U.S. And with their wide variety of stays, Booking.com makes it easy for you to find and book the right hotel just for you, no matter what you're looking for.

We'll be right back.

And we've actually prepared an extra special version of that song for you today. A song that highlights the way that I like to travel. Ahem. Take me out to a nice place. Let me go to the beach.

Get me some fried calamari and snacks. I don't care if I never go back. Let's find a park and watch baseball. Then go back to the room, eat a steak, nap, watch some TV in a five-star suite.

Mmm, the right steak can make you a fan of any U.S. city. Book today on the Booking.com site or at Booking.com. Booking.yeah!

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Have you ever had a friend tell you that they invented DVR? I've had it more than twice. More than twice. What was their point? That they really...

Really were like, no, no, no. Like I was telling people like we should be able to rewind television. You go, well, yeah. I came up with time travel. What are you talking about? Oh, yeah, dude. Air conditioning. I came up with air conditioning because I was hot one day. It's just people that – so when you realize some of your friends are stupid, you're like, what? Well, people don't understand like what – yeah, having just a basic idea is nothing. No. You have to do something. You had an idea. Yeah. That's like I've seen people do that when I've posted stand-up.

where they go, yeah, I pretty much have the same joke. And you go, cool dude. No, you don't, man. When would I have ran across you? Well, something that started happening to me, which like after Let's Start a Cult, where people just think of you as a standup, but it's like, you know, I did the movie and I've got into some weird DMs where it's like a block of text that's like, um, uh,

completely stream of consciousness. And it's a guy being like, so yeah, that's my movie idea. Whenever you're in Fort Worth, come by, I'll buy you a couple beers and we can just write this. It's like, what are you talking about, man? There's a part of my brain that really hopes it's just Nick lying on his couch. He's coming up with new profiles. He's sending you movie descriptions. And then you go, cool, dude. And it's just like, oh, the other side is just him and his glasses. Like...

Suddenly enjoying it. Yeah, dude. He's like, yeah, that fucker. That works. Yeah, because people feel, I mean, everyone's accessible now. But it is funny. That's not what writing something is. And just being like, we should have DVR. That's not creating something. It's like being a little lab and you have to code shit. There's so much work. Everyone has ideas. You have to just do the stuff. The hard part is learning how to make it. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the very, very hard part. Dude, I was just thinking about, thank God we didn't have, you didn't really have like social media when you were going through puberty, did you? No, no. Can you imagine how dangerous? I would have sent Trish Stratus like 50 DMs. Oh, 100%. And then find him as an older man. You're like. Yeah, dude. I would like even. Watching Monday Night Raw at like 12 years old, just being like.

Stacey Keebler. Yeah, dude. That is true. Do little kids... Horned up? Do little kids DM WWE superstars? I would. They must, right? I'm just telling you, I'm 41 and I want to go, absolutely would. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, dude, these days, the gals are looking incredible, too. Well, yeah, I mean, they've always looked incredible. They always have, but there's more of them. Try to tell me that Trish Stratus isn't one of the hottest ladies. I'm a big Trish Stratus guy. Or Stacey Keebler. Huge Stacey... Daughter of Baltimore. Is she? Yeah, she's from Baltimore.

I always liked that she was a little buttoned up. I always appreciated it. I mean, don't get me wrong. I'm a Trish Stratus guy through and through. Yeah, yeah. A little extra, you know. But the cowboy hat and the titties up to the neck. Titties up to the neck, yep. But then Stacey Keebler, I'm like, she was the librarian to me. Yeah.

Yes. And she wasn't like that trashy wrestling hot of like tits out. Yeah. Strong, big ass, which was awesome. She was like a hot cheerleader, like, you know, leggy blonde. Like your friend's sister. Yeah. The hottest version of that. We all know what Trish Stratus looks like. Fucking still got it. Still throwing heat. She showed up at the Rumble this year.

Oh, did she? Yeah, Trish Stratus came in. I had no idea. She still works. Yeah, Stacey is from Baltimore. Dated Clooney, of course. Yeah, that was the infamous one. Yeah.

Which you want to find out that she's only 45? That's impossible. Sorry. She's four years older than me? She was 18? I was like 13. She was 17 when she was in WCW? No, but she was in WCW. She's WWF. She started in WCW. Look it up. I don't think so. This is the rare. You're taking her out of me? I don't mean to. I trust Dan on it. Yeah, is that her with what's-her-face? Stacey Keebler, WCW.

Sorry, guy. You're right. You're right. Monday Nitro. You're right. I'm sorry. In 2000. I don't know what I was thinking. So I was on, so 2000. So I was 16. So it's not as innocent as I thought it was. Damn, I kind of had a shot. I didn't know I was within striking distance. You really didn't, man. Damn, Stacy Keebler.

If I could go back to my 20s when I was dead broke. Yeah. Yeah, by the time you had like any money, she's literally dating George Clooney. Yeah, I mean. By the time you had like, not even any money, but just like a car. Yeah. By the time I had the dog Stratus. Yeah.

She was gone to the wind. Yeah. She was already out of here. Yeah, dude. And I wasn't a legs guy. Never really been a legs guy. Me neither. That's what made her so special in that this is a refined woman that wrestling fans would never jack off to. Yeah. They jack off. You felt like she was untouched. Yeah. This is like you felt wrong even like looking at her. Oh, my God. Stacy, you're so sweet. Why am I doing this? Why am I doing this unspeakable act? Yeah.

And why is my mom not getting it? Yeah, it's like Sable, Trish Shadis. Like, you know, there's a little, there's like, they had been through something. Which I appreciated because those were the women my dad dated. Lita, Jacqueline. Oh, I mean, I'll tell you right now who my Alzheimer's. China, of course. But also Goldberg, I mean, Goldust's wife right there. She's right there, the third one in there. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But yeah, these are women that, you know... You know what it was? Post-divorce look. It's post-divorce. It's like they have had a change of heart and refused to testify in their boyfriend's domestic abuse case at the last moment. A lot of Tories. A lot of names. Tories. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is a dangerous combo. And then Stephanie McMahon shows up with the huge canes. Stephanie McMahon with the big canes. Definitely, absolutely. But yeah, Stacey...

Just a different caliber of woman. Yeah, I wasn't into Lita. Oh, I loved Lita. Lita was like... Lita was trashy too, though. Yeah, but I never got into it. Stacey and Trish Stratus. You know, what can I say? I'm a man of the world. I jack off to Latinas, Dan. That's so brave of you. God damn, you are. You're a dreamer. You stand for the dreamer project?

Come on, the thong, the little red thong poking out. I mean... I was beaten off to leave at the time. Were you? Oh, yeah. I always loved the red hair. Yeah, the red hair. The red hair was big for me, too, yeah. I always felt like she would rather go rollerblading than hang out with me. Nothing wrong with that, dude. And maybe that's why I like... She's cute. That's why I like bi girls. She definitely feels like she, you know...

could date a woman or a man. She's the kind of girl where you're on a date and you bump into her ex-girlfriend. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a chasing Amy thing. You're like, what? I'm like, huh? But you, but. Yeah. Okay. That would be cool. Trish Stratish feels like she's going to be like, hey, my husband's home and he's angry. You got to go. You never told me you were married. She just jacks you off really fast. I'm a cowboy, I'm a cowboy. You're a cowgirl on the horse.

Yeah, I mean, Trish Stratus, the legend. The legend. The one. Yeah, that's who I name-checked in my special, right? Yeah, yeah, come on. Did she reach out? I wish, I wish. She's a happily married woman. She probably knows that if we got to talking, the vibes would just be too undeniable. Through the roof. Yeah, she'd have to get divorced again. She would start smiling and putting her hair behind her ear. Yeah.

It's fucking over. And then what? Divorce court? Yeah, we can't do that. So, yeah. But Stacey Keebler, she's married too. Stacey's also married. Yep. She's happy. Happy. Yeah. I'm going to get into this. You're living a good life. We looked this up. Isn't she married to like a finance guy? They always do. Like when you find out Salma Hayek is married to like a billionaire. That one breaks my heart, dude. Oh, no. I don't know. Who is this fucking guy? Joe O'Jared.

Good for him. Got married in 2014. Fuck, dude. Oh, so they got a bunch of kids. Good for him. What kind of shit? What's he up to, dude? What's his business? What's he do? What's he do for work? He's got to be an entrepreneur. Entrepreneur. Money. Entrepreneur slash business person. They live in Austin. Okay. Damn, dude. Yeah. I'm going to be at the Paramount later this year. I wonder what CEO of future ads. Oh, it's probably some AI CEO.

Let's look up the company. Interactive Marketing Company. Game fans. Online gambling. There it is. There it is. Follow the blood money. There it is. And use promo code Stavi when you're doing it.

When you're losing everything you own, promo code STYLER. Psych, we're done after the Super Bowl. This will come out after the Super Bowl. I honestly didn't feel comfortable advertising fucking gambling. Oh, yeah. Did you do it for a while? I did it, yeah, yeah. On the regs, they signed up for it and didn't tell me. And I have a bit about how I'm against it. And now you see me on the podcast being like, DraftKings provides you...

I'm probably not even making money off it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you have to split that four ways. And then the fine print Lewis has written out that he actually did. It's actually, I get 100%. So at the end, hey, Soder, you actually owe me about $20,000. What? How do I have to pay you? Well, I gambled your share, but I don't know football. And you're like, God damn it, dude.

Yeah, it does feel, there's going to be a pandemic. Something fucked up. I mean. There's going to be a wave. There's just going to be a wave of like. It's like we could, that's why Vegas existed. That's why we had a couple Indian casinos. You do it here. It's like the hamster dam principle of like, have a couple places where you can do whatever the fuck you go buck wild. Listen. You can't have it on a person's phone.

A bookie used to make you afraid. Yeah. You would, like, be afraid of a man. Yeah. You'd be like, I owe this man thousands of dollars because the Steelers fucking went for it on fourth and three where they shouldn't. Yeah, yeah.

And now I have to do this or this man is going to hurt me. And now it's like, what's funny is Chris DiStefano was telling me all his boys just found out that they tax your winnings. So they're like, yo, what is this? That's how we're going to get people to turn against it is Italians realizing they have to pay taxes on their winnings. Yo, bro, I got like a fucking bill for like $20,000 from the fucking government.

I'm sure, by the way, I'm sure those companies are paying the same tax rate you are. I'm sure this isn't another fucking scam. Yeah, it's all... You are paying for their bonuses. This fucking sucks. But I'm Kevin Hart. Sign up today. Yeah, and it's the richest people. I go to sleep in a bed made of gold.

Dude, look, we were trying to get our fledgling podcast off the ground, okay? What does Kevin Hart need the fucking money for? He doesn't. Are you sick of, like, watching celebrities take money that you know they don't need? Yeah, that's the crazy thing. It's like, look, I get, you know, commercials pay well, and it's like actors that do commercials, you know, that are coming up, whatever. That's a whole ecosystem. But, like, why are you doing this? Matthew McConaughey.

You've got enough money, dude. We love you. You don't need to push AI on us. I know. We understand that the Illuminati is pushing us towards singularity, but a lot of us aren't down with it. I know that. It's like him being like, look at me. I'm sitting outside in the rain. How am I outside on the rain? Soon he's going to be like, give in to your robot overlords. I know when the robot soldiers come to my door, I'm there like, you want some tuna salad? Yeah.

And they're like, all right, that's a weird thing to say. I gave them my wife because they're powered. Their oil is blood, just like us. Their oil is human blood. And they harvest our organs. A human wouldn't know to harvest my gallbladder. AI is so scary. Well, part of it's scary, but also part of it is like now everyone's calling everything AI.

So like any, like, you know, what even remember we're like the AI chat bots or whatever, and it's like smarter child or whatever. And it was just like some very, very simple programs. There's stuff that we've been using that they're just saying, Oh,

Now it's AI. Or they'll just call every algorithm, it's AI generated. It's like not everything. Can this stuff actually learn? That was like when they would call everything truffle fries. Yeah. And you go, are you actually using truffle? Wagyu. Every fucking burger's Wagyu now. Oh, really? That's what they've done to AI. It's Kobe out of beef? Yeah, yeah.

Because it's fucking everywhere I go. Oh, I'm getting Kobe beef in Dubuque. Oh, interesting. Oh, wow. But they're doing that where like... This Shoney's has Kobe. Yeah. It's mostly just a way for corporations to steal from us. Yeah, information. And it's just completely like... It's laundering artwork and whatever and saying it's AI doing it. It's like, no, you're just...

stealing people's work. All those stupid drawings of Trump with big nipples or whatever. I love them. You're stealing someone on DeviantArt's work where they have big nipples and gay guys sucking each other's cocks. Yeah. It's like, we need to be paying those guys. Hey, I made that about my lover. Yeah. The guy who draws Sonic is pregnant.

It's like, oh, it's funny what we do with Vladimir Putin's got Trump's baby, but that used to be Sonic having Knuckles' baby, and we got to pay that original artist. Yeah, I don't want to watch Trump and Kamala bang. I want to see Marge get hit from the back by Homie.

I'm trying to watch Lois take on Peter in Quagmire. Yeah, Lois getting fucked by Brian. And he's jacked. He's got a huge jacked human body for some reason. But his head. And a white penis, which means I guess it's fur. Yeah, his fur. His penis covered in fur. You didn't really think this through? Man, you guys are so horny, you skipped some important parts. That would be funny if they did that. He's got a jacked human body, and then he's got that pink fur.

dog rocket dick, but it's awesome and huge. Dude, have you ever been like real close to a... A dog's penis? Like a red rocket? Like aggressive? Not really. It is... There's something about it where you're like, I feel threatened. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You just feel... It's animalistic. That thing's locked and loaded. It's like somebody... It's like one thing to be around a gun, it's another thing to be around a gun where the guy just went...

The Red Rocket is got the clip in the chamber. My brother-in-law and sister-in-law have this couple they're friends with. They're awesome. And they have this giant dog.

And I don't know what the dog is. I want to say it's either a mastiff or it's something. Okay, so like a fucking huge boy. Nuts on him. Yeah, big nuts. Big nuts. Katie was petting him. We were in Chicago. Katie's petting him. This motherfucker got bricked up like a human. It was like human. Like I looked at it and I was like, I went like this. Son of a bitch.

I don't know. You know, when you try to buy a couch with an eye? Yeah, yeah. You go, pull massive. It's got a cock the same size as mine. It was... Holy shit. And where I'm like, yo, hey! And it was just red and pink? I got mad at him. I'm like, hey, bro. And it was just a dog's dick. He's like,

Like a huge... It's a human in a... We're talking like a... But it's shiny and red and wet. Yeah, dude. It's full. Full red rocket. Full red rocket. It's not like a human guy. What do you work with? Fucking... Yeah. You work with Henson? Jim Henson's people? You in a Henson dog suit with your cock hanging out?

Just some guy. Well, today we're going to learn about it. He takes the dog head off. He's like, just some scumbag from Chicago. I ain't got a heart on. I swear to God, that guy was looking at me like he knew I was human. But his wife got me fucking hurt. I don't know what you want me to tell you, bud. Your wife's got a great ass.

So what are we talking, like legitimately four solid inches? Over six inches of dick. No. This dog had a bigger dick than I have? You know what? I was across the room. Okay. And you were threatened. Very. You know, because it's your fiancé. Yeah. It's my bride, dude. In your head, you had it like...

It's about to go down. Man versus wolf. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Honestly, Igor and Maggie are lucky I didn't grab a fucking blade and go after that thing. That's so funny because that's like... No, they're very sweet. Also, they're very funny about it. They are like...

You don't want dog owners that are weird about it. They were very funny, very cool about it. They were like, yeah, it's fucking, we'll get, hey, they're like yell at him. Yeah, stop being hard. And then he gets harder. Then he came. Yeah, you fucking idiot. He's like. You fucking stupid fucking dog.

Your ancestors used to keep us safe. And now you're sad because we won't feed you boiled chicken. What, you want wet food? Look what you've become. Sorry, he's going to pop. He's going to pop. Guys, stand back. He's about to pop. We're going to put him on the porch. He's about to come. He's about to arc rope.

Dude, but one time, my old dog Montana, named after the greatest quarterback of all time. Shout out to Montana. Fat red golden retriever. I was like, he had just been neutered?

Like, just been neutered. But he still had some fucking bullets in the chamber. Yeah. And my mom... We were driving to my mom's... The goodbye bullets, dude. The last nut of his life. Dude, you got one bullet. Save it. He wrote... He wrote, uh, denied. Denied on his cum. Denied to pose. But he, um... We were my mom's old forerunner. And my mom was in the driver's seat. And I was, you know, obviously riding shotgun. I was like...

And my mom was like scratching Montana's belly. And she was like, yeah, I don't know. Like, I can drop you off at football practice. And then I looked back and this motherfucker, this was the first time I saw him. Like, it was a red rocket. Yeah. And I was like, Montana's got a boner. And my mom was like, oh, Montana. And I laughed.

so hard because your buddy got a boner on mom. You're like, hey, you touched my dog's dick. My mom was like, oh. You fucking slut. You touched Montana's dick. You interspecies slut. Well, that dog that you're talking about, you could, sounds like you could legitimately fuck that dog.

Yo, that's like those women on the internet do that. Yeah. They're like, fuck German shepherds and stuff. I didn't realize their dicks were that big. Girl, yeah. I didn't realize a dog's dick could get that big. Now I'm pissed off. Now you're mad at dogs? I'm a cat man. Now I'm a cat guy. Yeah, no cat's dick is that big. Yeah. What's a Maine Coon cat's dick look like? They're like 30 pounds, I think. Yeah, look at it. The first thing elders...

There isn't much information about the average penis size of a man. Well, that's again, we're doing AI again, which again, this is a great example. Google calls this AI. And it's like all they're doing is fucking just the first four things.

Can I tell you that it kind of makes me happy we can't find this? Me too, man. That there's still a part of the internet where they go, what are you doing? We also still... We still need experts sometimes. We still need to call up a breeder. We don't need marriage experts. We don't need financial experts. But we need...

cat experts. I also don't like these cats freak me out. Cats should be little. I want one so bad. A big Maine Coon. Yeah. My grandma's cat was Hobbs. He was half orange tabby half Maine Coon. Oh, big fucking boy. Yeah. He filled up a whole sink. Yeah, I don't like that. Look at these. They look like fucking monsters, dude.

But my grandma had one with half a tabby, so he didn't have those ears. He looked like a regular cat with a fucking big body. Yeah, I just don't think cats should be this big. Cats should be little and cute. I want one like that with that cool fucking cat beard. I don't like cats. No, dude. I genuinely feel like I'm being watched by them. I don't like it. But I think that's the thing. I think it's funny because it's like,

The whole vibe of a cat is if a cat... If you were the size of a cat and it was the size of you, he would kill you. Yeah. And that's funny. Is that like, ha-ha, I have control over you. You're cucked by life. Like, you're this big... You have the same DNA as a lion, but you have to eat... Tiny lion. You have to eat whatever the fuck I give you. Yeah. And a couple rats. Whereas, like, the main coon is...

It's not quite unmanageable. Obviously, people have them as pets. But it's like, it's starting to get too close to the tiger zone for my comfort. That's exactly true. He goes, if I have a problem, you're going to have a problem. Yeah, like this guy could really fuck you. An ornery Maine Coon could really fuck you up. Let a Siamese come at me. I'll toss that thing across the room like a rag. I'll kick the fuck out of him. Maine Coon. It's a fight. Yeah. It's an actual fight. You're at least going to work with scratches on you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I remember I got scratched by... I tried... This was one of the first times... In hindsight, I so clearly could have fucked this girl, but I just... I was, like, 19, and I had not gotten pussy, and I didn't know that I could. Yeah. You know? And so she, like, invited me back to a place where she was...

Where she was, like, because the date was going bad. So in my head, it was like, I'm not hooking up with a girl. But I guess she was just like, a good time. Right? So the date was going bad. And then she's like, yeah, you come back. And she was like, her vibe, she just didn't really feel like it. Or I don't know, maybe this is all in my head. Sure. And just, it was just bad omen after bad omen. Where it's like, we were going to go see a movie and the, like, tickets sold out or some shit. And then we're going to go to a restaurant and it was like,

closed and we went to some we actually did go to a diner and it was like this is like my chance to like in hindsight I'm like wow I blew it and that's kind of my origin story of like because I also had a crush on this girl in college one of the worst but then there was just like a she was house sitting with someone and they had a little cat and this thing fucked me up dude like it would it scratched me like three separate times the point where she was just like alright I'm just gonna shut it in a different room and like

That was like... It felt like an omen. I should have just listened to that cat. Nothing good could have come of it. I kind of make a move, and I just blow it so crazily. It wasn't meant to be. Yeah, but she had some... I did get to touch her titties, but I wish I would have fucked her. What did you get to touch her titties? What were we talking about? Now I'm just sad. It's so funny. You don't come out of it. Yeah, she's married now. I looked her up on Facebook a couple years ago. The one that got away? Yeah.

Do you think she watches your shit? I don't know. Maybe. It's more like... This was really early on in college, and then she just kind of disappeared. Yeah, but I think you'd be surprised with how much of an imprint you make on people that maybe you don't think. That's possible. You know what it is? It's not even the one that got away. It's like that girl is like... She exists as like the...

that I'm just a fucking loser. You know what I mean? Like, I now, in hindsight, I'm like, even girls that, you know, it didn't go well with, whatever, I kind of, I would crush it with girls I liked and I would figure out ways to, like, woo them or whatever. And I just blew it so hard with her. I've had a couple of absolute botches. You know, and I, like, clearly could have fucked her, you know, whatever, and I just didn't, I didn't hook up, whatever. And I just completely fucked it up. And I just kind of want to be like, I'm good.

I can fuck now. I'm good if... I know how to pick up on signs. I would have never taken you to a diner. I almost just want a nice... I want to take this woman. I want to ask her... I want to be like, hey, can you pause your marriage? You probably have kids by now. And let's just go to dinner and a movie and I'll eat a pussy. Let me show you. I just want it on the record. It's kind of like how even like a first girlfriend, I want to be like, I don't want it on record. How bad I was. The fucking I did 20 years ago. Like, I need you...

To just know I can fuck better than that. No. Yeah, just to know. And that's the first girl that, oh, that's right, the cat scratched me. That's how we got here. That cat was releasing you. I wish I had listened to the cat. Because you might have been married to her living in fucking Maryland right now. You know what I mean? Possible. Like watching a podcast. I would never have married her, let's be honest. I would have just gotten the fucker. How were those titties? They were awesome. There you go. They had huge tits. They were sick.

Shout out to you. I won't say your name, but if you're divorced, holler at the boy. John Fish used to have my favorite joke about that where he was like, I'm in my late 30s. They're coming back around. He goes, all the good ones that got away, they're coming back around. Well, anyway, before I go into any more fucking dark holes, why don't we give some fucking advice? Oh, do you want to order that? Yeah, let's put that order in.

And get me just a side of beefsteak with tzatziki. I got a little salad. I'm trying to keep it clean. I love it, dude. Stay fucking healthy, my man. My guy. My boy. A side of beefsteak and a side of tzatziki. So funny that my sandwich is still up here. That's beautiful. I'm like, I love you. And get yourself something nice, Elders. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. So put that order in and play us a little call. Let's get nuts.

Hey Savi, looking for advice from a male perspective. I just want to have fun, nothing serious. And in a perfect world, I'd like to have a steady friends of benefits situation. But we always stop talking after the second or third meetup and I have no idea why. And they always give me very specific and super flattering compliments on my abilities.

And then they tell me I'm super cool and that they'd love to be friends with benefits, but it never lasts. They always fizzles out. What the hell is going on? Interesting. Important question. Beefsteak, medium, medium, rare. Medium. Medium. Actually, there's two kind of meat. You know what? He wants beefsteak. I want a kebab. The kebab is without the cheese. But yeah, medium. Medium.

Friends with benefits. Interesting. Fries or rice? Fries. Have you engaged in friends? Are you a friends with benefits guy? Have you been in these situations? I will tell you, I, for a long time, did that. And now that I'm out, I realize the error of my ways. Interesting. You are denying your emotions to connect.

So it's like chewing food but not swallowing. Interesting. Like you need to... So you think, like, you wanted to date the people...

Or you were just with people that you didn't want to date? Or what do you think? Mix, both. I think it was like I was putting myself in situations where I didn't have to hold myself accountable. I didn't have to make a connection. I didn't have to be intimate. I could just fucking bang with a weird lifeless stare. Get the physical pleasure of it. And then get out of there. But there was no connection. There was no... Yeah. There was no like...

I didn't grow from it, but that sometimes is going to cause pain. That's what dating is. Yeah, totally. It is, and I will say, most of these, part of this problem is what you want, it's cool to want something, right? Just like, just, you know, no strings attached sex, whatever.

I've been in plenty of these situations and some of them have been awesome because we legit both liked each other enough to see each other but neither one of us wanted to date the other. I've had a couple of those and those are great. They're pretty much friends that also suck you off. And that's a cool friend. But

You are, by definition, making a temporary situation. Exactly. You cannot hold the plank that long. And I think part of it is like, and usually it's one person likes the other person more. Yeah. And either you're going to get hurt or they're going to get hurt in the long run. Yeah. And even in the situations when it's like,

I've had a friends with benefits situation, whatever, and the person gets a serious partner, you're a little bummed. You're like, ah. I've been on both sides of it. I've watched someone get a serious partner, and you're like, well, fuck. All right. And then when you get a serious partner, you go, there really is no... This just works. This is just the thing that works for me. Yeah, exactly. I also love that she's being debriefed in a very flattering way where they go, we're letting you go, but...

Top shelf work. The head top, if you catch my drift, was the top shelf. You made me bust serious nuts. And to that, I just want to thank you. Give her a handshake. And take this water. A tote bag with his company logo. We got a company logo Stanley for you. And good luck out there. Hope you don't get herpes.

So I guess the thing to think about is, yes, these are temporary. These are like little moments in time where in the best case scenario for this is you run into somebody who wants the exact same thing as you at the exact same time and you both want

It fizzles out for both of you. When you meet someone serious. At the right time, right? But that's really fucking rare. That is... That's really rare. Sinking up that is... Yeah. Very difficult. And you're going to go through pain because one of you, no matter who you're doing this situation with, someone's going to be hurt. Well, it sounds like she's pretty set on...

Not it sounds like the guys will be the ones that are hurt. Yeah She's pretty set on just not on wanting a friends benefits thing So but I actually disagree because she says but it never lasts But she what she what they tell me I'm super cool that they love to be friends with benefits, but it never lasts Yeah, she I don't think she was to date them She just wants once a week to fuck them or whatever every ten days guys What single guys turning that down if you're even somewhat attracted to the girl? That's I mean

that think they want to do it? Because that's the other thing. We say that guys, every guy wants that. A lot of guys don't want that. A lot of guys are more fragile than they want to let on. It's like fighting. It's like I remember the first time I loved action movies growing up. Yeah. WWE. I loved boxing. And then the first time you're around a fight. Yeah. You're like, ugh. You're like, ugh.

why do I feel this in my body? Don't treat him that way. You hear that like, and you go like, oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do like going to fights, but a real violent fight. The first time you heard it, you were like, ah. The smack, yeah. And people are like, yeah, friends with benefits. I guess I got, we could fuck. And then she ignores your text twice, and you're like, huh? Yeah. But I just nutted in you. I bet people are like that with, I bet that happens a lot with swingers, where they're like, do you want to swing? And then someone bangs their wife, and goes, stop.

Yeah, definitely, dude. Yeah. Definitely like cucks. There's got to be cucks that just like didn't realize. Yeah, absolutely. That cuck chair has probably seen a lot of the beginnings of a lot of mental breakdowns. Yeah, that's a steam plant, dude. People are getting steamed in that chair. That absolutely is what it is in every hotel, right? Definitely. The cuck chair, dude.

But do you think Hilton is like, it's not. It's for reading. But you sick fucking perverts just look at porn on your phone all the time. It's the fucking cuck chair, bro. There's a reason they're everywhere. And so, yeah, all I would say is this is just what this is. And you're just... It is like date. It's still... At the end of the day...

Finding someone for any relationship, whether that's a long-term serious one or finding somebody who you align with is hard no matter what. It's the hardest. And it's funny because I think you're right.

Guys who were like, well, what guy doesn't want that? What guys actually want to do is mistreat women. No, what they want to do is they want to take them for granted. They want to take them for granted. They want to be like, I got this one. This one's never leaving me. It's doing this. And then also I want to go get new pussy. And I bet you if she wasn't so upfront...

If these guys just thought she was like a girl that might want to date them, it would last longer than when she was just like... But we're not saying, you know, deceit to get friends with benefits. Don't do that. But that's what I do think a lot of guys aren't built for it. So you just got to keep fucking and sucking until you settle into something you like. Yeah, you keep trying out those baseball gloves until you find one that fits your palm, dude. Yeah.

Put some oil on it. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. That's what you do. There you go. This one's it. Oh, yeah. This one's it. This one? You're flapping? Yeah, flapping. There you go. Oh, that's good. Yeah, dude. I remember just being a fucking kid. Like, I played, like, rec league soft, not even baseball, softball. And truly the best part was just getting the glove, oiling it up. And then I played the game. I was like...

I suck at this. I suck at this. I can't hit the fucking ball. I sucked at baseball, but man, having a good mitt. But just being like, felt awesome. That's the most American I ever felt was like oiling up my glove and playing catch. Oh, and snapping a catch. Yeah, yeah. All right, Eld, what else we got? Hold on. I can't find a loose kebab on the seamless menu. You want a sausage or something? What do you mean you can't find a fucking loose kebab? This is where I see the money's gone to your head.

I go, he fucking... I'm back home, Turkey. He flipped out. Just look for some kind of extras, whatever. And if you... I swear you can add a kebab or something, or like a lusuvlaki or something like that. And if you can't figure it out, whatever. I have meal prepped chicken and rice over there. Yeah, they fucking...

My doctor had to do readings on my liver. How are we looking? I got something going on with it. But I had to do blood tests. And then he was like on vacation. He's like, oh, your blood tests will come through on the email so you can look at them to see what's going on. I was like, great. And I fucking signed in and they're like,

You need to verify this offline. And you're like, then why the fuck are we doing this? Yeah, that sucks. What the fuck? And it also just makes you worry like, is it so bad that the doctor has to say it to me? Are you going to email me? The more things you have to approve, even if it's like a test. Like I just got tested. I did the same thing where I did all my tests. And even if it's just like an STD test, which I was like,

I was clean. It was like, until you hear them say it, you're like... Yeah, because there could just be a moment where they go, so we did find something. Dude, diabetes and like STDs, I would never be surprised if it popped up. That's so funny. And I'm lucky it hasn't yet. What's funny is at first, I was like, he's like, yeah, your liver functions. I'm like...

And he goes, did you do like a dry January then come off it? I was like, no, I haven't drank in 12 years. Oh, my God. And he's like, oh, we got to look into this. Oh, no, dude. You thought you had a fresh drunk's liver? That's not good. No. Damn, those fucking... I might be back. If he's like, it's terminal, I'll be like, well, then I'm going to go out. Yeah. I'm just fucking foaming out of my mouth. I'm just fucking...

What was that, Doc? Goddamn, dude. Well, you know, you're plastering with fine colors, man. Don't you worry. If I don't have diabetes, your liver's fine. Hey, Stav. Hey, Elvis and esteemed guests.

I'm going to just cut to the chase. So I fell in love with this guy that I jerked off at a Korean spa. So we met at the spa and I jerked him off under the water in the hot tub area. That's romantic. And after that, we exchanged numbers. We started chatting. Come to find out, we actually have a good connection. You know, fast forward six months, we've –

You know, we've gone trips together. We've gone camping. We've met each other as parents and as friends, quote-unquote friends, from work. And we've been seeing each other almost every weekend, you know,

every other weekend we live about an hour and a half two hours apart um but we've been you know meeting halfway we've been making it work we can have the spa and it's been great every time you know every time um uh you know we go hiking together fishing we've been in new nudist resorts um we've just been living it up having a blast my problem is he refuses to consider uh

us as dating, even though we do everything that like a dating couple would do. Oh no. Um, and he's not out to his family and he has no intention of coming out to his parents. And, uh, uh, he's 45. So I feel like at this point he's just never gonna come out. Um, and every time I try to bring it up or every time we talk about it, we just,

It gets really emotional, you know, we start crying and shit because we want to be together, but he doesn't want to come out to his Mormon parents. Oh. Um...

Come on. And also, he's kind of suspicious that I'm just like a hoe because the first time we met, I jerked him off immediately in the hot tub. So this guy is clearly not a part of gay culture. I'm really just torn and wondering if I should hold on and hope that he eventually comes out to his parents and we can –

be together happily or if I should just move on and find something else but uh I'd really be sad to let this go um anyway uh hopefully y'all can give me another perspective thanks

Yeah, that's tough. I mean, this is exactly kind of what we were talking about with the last call, where it's like, if you just led someone on, you could have a friend with benefits for a year and a half. But if you were straightforward and said you want one, they might be weird about it. Yeah, this guy probably would have dipped away earlier. Yeah. He's like, let's be friends with benefits. Yeah. Yeah, because especially the guy he's talking to, this 45-year-old Mormon, he's like,

And he clearly has to, like, he can't be upfront about anything. He just kind of has to be slowly coaxed into doing gay shit. Although it does sound like he jerked him off pretty fast. But, like, even the dating and the other thing, it's like he's not himself. He's not, like, being honest with who he is.

And it's weird to meet his parents under the guise that you're his friend when you're like going away and that you have this fantastic connection. And you go on these vacations together. You're falling in love, which is something he didn't say. But it's pretty obvious from the voicemail. For sure. He's like falling in love with this guy. And this guy's going like, yeah, I'm just not going to shake the boat. I'm not going to get out of the boat. That's a great point. He said they met each other's parents, didn't he, Eldest? Yeah, his friends. Yeah.

As friends. Oh, as friends. So that's weird because it's like his parents, you hope they know. You hope a parent's intuition is strong enough. Like the mom goes like, I've always known you were gay. Yeah. But...

It's funnier if they don't. It is funnier if they don't. Hey, did you notice like a weird electricity between Mike and Corey? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you know, they're in the finals of their fantasy football. Their fantasy football rivals, the championships this week. When I was growing up in Provo, Grabass made a little something else. Yeah, that sucks. It sucks because you know the problem is that they are, he's Mormon. So they're very Mormon and they can't.

At the same time, and look, whatever, we have to, sure, I'm not coming out as hard. It's everyone's personal decision, whatever. But at the same time, he can choose to do that, and that sucks. I feel bad for him because he's letting his parents' hang-ups and beliefs fuck his life up. It's his choice if he wants to be that tragic guy that never gets to live his life.

But you can't be that guy. Yeah, don't fall into his trap. You can't do that. Like, this is like...

You have to go back in the closet because your boyfriend doesn't want to piss off his fucking parents? Are they fucking rich or something? Are you going to inherit part of the fucking Mormon temple? What are we talking about? What is he doing this for? I think you make the best point, which is, what is the endgame? What are you going to... Are you going to be happy? Does this guy make you happy enough to live in the shadows and drag this along? Or...

Is a little sadness going to take you a longer way where you break it off with this guy and then the next guy you jerk off in a hot tub might be the one. See if that glass sandal fits. See if that fucking wet hot mug fucking hand job works. Yeah, I mean, yeah, I think you can't, you can't, a big theme of our show is like,

If people want to live in their fantasy, that's up to them. If they want to lie to themselves, that's up to them. But don't let people lie to you. And he's sort of forcing you to lie about your life

because he doesn't want to and like is there some is it just he doesn't want to disappoint his parents like is he doing this for anything I hate to go back to the the inherit thing but it's like if these fucking the only way I would say even maybe think about it is if his parents are old as shit

Yeah, if they're about to die. If they're old as shit and you're going to inherit something big. I think if you're just old, then just, you know. Even then, it's like, dude, what are you doing? You got to like... And I hate to say this because he would be very sad and you...

You shouldn't like, you know, your life isn't to get teach this guy a lesson. But maybe what fucking spurs this man out of the closet is you being like, I don't want to feel like I'm in the closet. I love you. I want to build a life together. And I don't want to be. This is crazy. I can't lie about who I am. So either you're honest.

Or we have to end this relationship. I mean, I think you're right. You might draw him out if you go like, I can't fucking do this. But you also can't depend. Don't do it as a way of like bluffing. No. You have to truly be. Be ready to move on. You have to really truly be ready to move on. And honestly, when you move on like that and you make a giant decision that is going to hurt and will take some time to get over, usually the universe rewards you.

Yeah. Usually you find someone that is out that you love, that you can build with. You know what I mean? Yeah. Instead of this, whatever this is, because this isn't a relationship. You're in love with him and he's just hiding you. And that's the thing. It's like, we also don't know. That's the other part thing about this is like, is this guy using this as a shield to prevent further seriousness? Like,

He could be. I hate to be, I hate to be like suspicious and say that he is stringing you along and he's using this as a, and I'm sure it's not. I mean, I'm sure nobody wants to stay in the fucking closet, but I will say a silver lining of staying in the closet is if you were, if you were serious relationship averse, uh,

You could just always be like, hey. My parents. I can't do it because of my parents. Imagine if guys could do that. Where you go, sorry, I can't tell my mom I like pussy. She wants me to suck. I have to suck. I have to fake it. I have a fake boyfriend. I fuck his ass every six months. This is my friend Katie. Yeah. We both love sports. I go, mom, she's my bride. I'm straight. Daniel, no. I love her tits. I love her ass.

You have disgraced this family. Oh, my God. I thought you were a queen. You're a fraud. Dan, sashay away. I'm going to stomp away. I'm going to stomp away. Oh, fuck, dude. This poor guy. Hi, Stav. Um...

So I'll just get right to it. Thank you. I'm a senior in college currently, and I live with four other people. We all rent a house together. Nice. And there's this one roommate who...

She's got a bit of a drinking problem, and it gets to the point a lot where he pisses himself. Oh, no. This is probably... I've lived with these people for two years now. Two years. I've probably witnessed him piss himself, like...

I don't know. Maybe like eight times. Oh, wow. That's quarterly. Eight times in two years is nuts. He does quarterly pisses. Eight times in two years is crazy. That's wild. Maybe less, but around there. And...

Oh, you don't say. Pause this. The guy who pisses himself regularly didn't bend to a little bit of social pressure. Yeah, it was this. He went, okay.

We're not drinking with you tonight. He goes, cool, more for me. Well, guess I'm going to have more piss on my sheets then. Hey, your mouth to my sheets. I'm going to go fucking take a leak. So fucking funny. The pissing's really annoying. Yeah.

It's gotten all over our stuff. Oh, what is he, a puppy? Yeah, so, like, I don't know what to do. I don't know how involved I should get. It's obviously a problem, but it's kind of gross. So, yeah, thanks. As an alcoholic who has been sober 12 years but apparently has a dinged-up liver, this guy 100% has a drinking problem. His body can't control it. Dude, it is...

I quit drinking when I was 29 years old, right? It was pretty obvious I had a drinking problem since I was like 19. When you show signs of a drinking problem at 19, you are drinking at a level that other 19-year-olds are going, what the fuck? This is 21-year-old, 22-year-olds going like, dude. That's the craziest part is that like...

You usually get until 23 when it becomes obvious you're an alcoholic. You're still at the age where it's cool to be that fucked up. Oh, he goes so hard he pisses himself. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If he only pissed himself like once a year, it would be like, he's like, oh, yeah, dude, this guy gets so fucked up he'll piss himself. Yo, he's like Punxsutawney Phil. He pisses himself six more weeks of winter.

So, yeah, the fact that you've gotten to the point where this is a problem is crazy. Yeah, it's a drinking problem. You have to decide right now how close you are with this guy because you...

Here's the thing about drinking. They're not going to listen if they don't want to listen. Well, that's the point. It's like, look, you're fucking college roommates. And this is another theme that comes up on the show. It's like, there are people, there are different stations of life. You know what I mean? It's like, you can ride with everybody. Everyone's on the same train in college. And it's like, yeah, I fucking love... Phil's the fucking man. And then it's like...

And then you get the stop. Graduation is the stop. And you won't see most of the people you went to college with get off that train. There's people that you know and you care about that within seven years you go, I'm fine never talking to them again. If they died in excruciating pain, there are people that you thought were your best friends when you were 19 that it's like if they had a horrible death, you would be like, oh, man.

You wouldn't like cry. You'd be like, oh, that sucks. You'd go like, eh. Like, oh, no. Yeah, fuck. What do you want to get for dinner? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm telling you, if you keep scrolling, Elvis, you'll find it. You scroll. Yeah, kebabs are down there. You scroll and you go like, man.

Oh, my friend died. Yeah, yeah. Do you want to get Chinese food? It's like that kind of thing. And so this is a huge example of, like, the guys who party too much, those guys usually get off your train of life, they get off at the stop around 23. You know what I mean? 24. Because he makes this kind of behavior to 41 and, like,

People that he works with that don't know him are calling people. Yeah, yeah. Right, right, right, right. They're going like, Jason has a real bad problem. Yeah. He comes to work. We know it. Yeah. I work in HR. I've only seen him out having drinks. Do you know who in his family... They don't even know? Yeah. Are you his wife? Yeah, like... Did you do that call? Yeah, yeah. Hi, are you his wife? No, his daughter's like...

And they have to do the math of like... I'm sorry I have to do this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sorry to be the one that do... You are his college roommate. Yeah. All you can do, and this is in your jurisdiction, all you can do is go stop pissing everywhere. Well, what you can do... Yeah, what your jurisdiction is...

If it gets on your stuff, he owes you money. Yes. Like, that's it. And then what you do is, you won't be able to convince him to quit drinking, but you can shame the fuck out of this guy. Yeah, that's true. You can make fun of him for pissing himself. Hey, look who it is. It's little baby. Yeah. It's baby boy. Oh, look, it's the little cousin from Home Alone that's drinking Pepsi. That's right, Derek. Tell him to lock the door. Baby, baby.

He's going to wet himself. You give him a bottle filled with like fucking natural natty ice. Or just piss in his stuff. Yeah, piss on his shit. Yeah, you could piss on him and he would think it's himself. That's the other side of the college roommate thing. Like, man, I remember we literally pissed on the guys who we hated roommates. Fucking shit in our lawn. It was awesome. I remember... It felt so much better than getting like any money. That guy was a piece of shit. Than getting any money we were owed. Yeah, you were owed like...

fuck his shit up while he's not in the house. If he ever wants it or something, he'll just be like, yeah, it's on the lawn. I don't give a fuck. These people are...

In a home with three other adults. This is hostile living. Yeah. You are in a hostel right now. It's a nice hostel, but hostile rules. Yeah. You're absolutely right. Fuck their shit up. If he pisses on your stuff, fuck his stuff up. And she's a senior, right? Yeah, so you're almost out. So that's the thing. It's like, if you were a junior, I'd be like, well, first of all, this is your fault for living with him again. There absolutely had to be a notice. Someone did go like,

Sammy's got like a bad drinking problem. Well, I know... And listen, I know where she's at. Because like, you think your roommates is... You think your college roommates, it feels sacred. Yeah. When you're fucking 20, you're 19, and you're like... That's my roommate. Dude, we started in the dorms together. Now we're... And you go from the dorms to like the nice apartment on campus to like... Dude...

We're in an off-campus house. Like, we can't ruin it. Like, it feels like a marriage or whatever, and, like, you got to it, but it's, like, it isn't sacred. If there's a guy that's annoying your sophomore year, don't move with him off-campus. And it's, like, look. And don't live with someone that deals drugs for free drugs. I cannot stress this enough. It will end poorly. You get swatted, man. I got robbed.

I gotta fuck it. Look up Dan Soder hog tie story on YouTube. It's all true. So, yeah, I mean, in terms of like what to tell him about his drinking, he's not, he's a fucking senior in college. He's not going to fucking AA. Yeah, he's not going to be like this. You put it the way you put it. Yeah. I think I'm going to change my life. Yeah.

I wear diapers now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all good. I got the pens. You can't even tell. They got rubber sheets, dude. I might as well fucking... Because that piss slides right off. Yeah. No, this is the guy who just buys sheets in bulk now. He just throws them away. Well, guess what? Them tariffs say it hit China yet. Yeah.

I bought six sets of flat sheets. No, he takes an extra student alone to buy more sheets so he doesn't have to do laundry. Sally Mae for $17,000. Those are all my sheets combined. So, yeah, I don't know, man. You're just kind of fucked. This is what happened. You've made it, you know, it's over now. By the time this episode comes out, you'll pretty much be done. You'll be graduated. Bye. Yeah, but, you know.

Good luck and let that be a lesson. I mean, it's funny. This is the kind of guy who usually starts embarrassing himself. Like when a friend brings him as a plus one to a wedding and he fucking has diarrhea. He's just like shitting in a flower pot. At first he's aggressively dancing. Right. And someone goes, who brought him? Well, it starts fun. And it's like, oh, that guy's great. And then like an hour and it's like...

Sweating too much? Yeah. And you get the literal, whose man is this? Yeah. You get that? If you get a whose man is this in a white function, it's tough. Yo, come get your guy. Yeah. He's chugging his crayon vodka feverishly while he's waiting in line for his next drink. It's open bar? Yeah. I went to college with him. He's like, wait, we don't have to tip? Yeah.

He's like stoked it's not cash bar. That's when you're eating a dessert, talking to your friend, and someone comes over and he goes, he's hitting on Amber. And you go, what do you want? Buddy, I'd fuck your shit up.

I still have fucking balance. Goddamn, dude. All right. What else we got, LD? Hey, Stavi. You seem like someone who's pretty emotionally mature but has had a good amount of sex. And I don't have a lot of male figures in my life where I can immediately talk shamelessly about sex. But I'm a 19-year-old university student who's a virgin. And this guy I dated when I was 17 in high school confessed to me again after we hung out again.

Confessed and I and I hold his hand and kissed him very innocent stuff, but he seems way more into me After I reflected of it, but I said I'm already a day because I'm really not I just got out of something That was just me being obsessed with this Other guy so romance is kind of out of the picture for me I probably should have kissed him, but I really wanted to in the moment. I'll pause this twice

You feel bad because you kissed a guy who confessed his love to you? This is adorable. Sweet baby angel, listen to me. This is like... There is a big bad world out there. Yeah.

You're going to pray for these kind of problems when you're 35. This is literally like a baby being like, I have a girlfriend in kindergarten, but I held a different goal. But a different girl gave me a cupcake and I said, thank you. And she said, now I'm your girlfriend. I said, okay. But now my other girlfriend's mad. But we were supposed to do a science project together. But then she said I could. This is when you want to stub out a cigarette and go, honey.

Love's a motherfucker. I'm going to tell you right now, that surly bitch is going to buck you about 48 times. This is the kind of advice you wish you could just give as Sam Elliott, where you go, well, sometimes, well, love is a mean bitch.

Sometimes. Well, dude, sometimes you eat the bear. Well, sometimes the bear eats you. Just keep your cooter covered. Make him wear rubber. Just make sure it ain't lambskin either. I don't care how good it feels. You're paying a price if you feel warmth. You got a lady opening up her little flesh purse for you. You better bag it up.

Okay, so let's fit. Let's that's so funny, but let's hear her whole call out. No, no. Whoa. I feel bad because he said I'm perfect in his mind and we're quote unquote end game. But no one that you think is end game when you're 19 is going to be end game. That's just not how that works. I've never heard anybody use that word before.

Outside of movies and honestly, I do find him attractive. He's super kind and sweet, but I don't think about him Outside of being with him in person. Meanwhile, he said he hasn't been able to stop being about me for like a year now I had no idea Anyway, basically I want to fuck but I don't know if it's morally correct to fuck him even though I want to Oh, if you want to I really just want to explore myself and

Like a crazy

Don't know. It's a bit crazy that he thought about me so much and I just hurt anyways, right? I Probably thought about it. Whatever it I'm 19, but sweet he's a kind guy But I'm also thinking about the guys to be obsessed with as well. He currently has a girlfriend. So he's out of the picture. Mm-hmm I don't know. So what should I do? Is it morally correct to fuck? How does one get big?

I'm bisexual. I don't know how to get pussy either. You're fine, bro. I'm a legit computer science virgin. I get very innocent. I get innocent romantic confessions from people, but I don't want romance. I don't want to write cards. I don't know how this works. Although, everyone I mentioned is Turkish. Everyone is Turkish. I think it's funny. You absolutely got to get out of there. Please help me.

At least he's not 27. Yeah, yeah. Oh, baby, you're in danger. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, girl, you're in danger. I'm going to tell you right now, fuck the sweetheart. Yeah. Fuck the sweetheart. Because what you're going to do is he's going to learn how to emotionally connect to his penis, which is going to be very valuable 10 to 15 years down the road. Well, I'll say this, right? I like that she's... Basically, her hang-up is...

She knows she doesn't want to date this guy. Yeah. Look, I was once an overly romantic 19-year-old who was dying for pussy. I could... I mean, same. I could tell you all the songs I looked out a window to. Yeah, right. And if this... And look, maybe you think it's wrong to fuck him without thinking you want to be in a serious relationship. I... If there is one thing I could do with a time machine that...

that maybe my whole life's different maybe i don't have to prove my whole life has been trying to prove that i can fuck and that i'm cool and like i've been doing things for attention from women my entire life because i didn't get pussy at 19 yeah if i if you go back in time and find a fucking nice girl with fat tits to fuck me when i was 19 i would do that before i would kill baby hitler i'm gonna tell you look history's gonna create another hitler yeah

That's how these things work. No one's going to make me not a loser. What, do you want me to get rid of economics? Yeah. But I'll tell you right now, you're absolutely right. If I would have not farted in front of that girl, Sarah, at my dorm, and she was grossed out because she had giant fat titties, and she was very sweet and nice, and we would have had sex where I would have been able to emotionally open up and connect, my 20s and 30s would have been way better. Not even open up. Just have sex.

Yeah. You know what I mean? What I mean, that's why I never thought I was valuable emotionally until I was older. I was like, I started getting sex because I was drinking and you're out and you're slamming into people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then you're like, no, it would have been nice if this guy's very sweet. You kissed him, you're in. And you think he's sweet, you kissed him, you guys hold hands, you guys do that cute fight. Let that be his path to sex, not like,

why I'm so into the WWE divas. Right, right, right. Which they're like, I was broken by a man bigger and meaner than you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I have a penis. Right, right, right. Yes, yes. And look, ultimately, basically what I'm saying is if you're worried about hurting this guy, we can tell. He is resilient. We can tell you, yes. You give him a little pussy, he will bounce from that fall. Yes, if you want this. And it does sound like this is a pretty nice kind of

No state low stakes You know she's already talking about being obsessed some guy with a girlfriend. You don't want to start going that way You know like this seems like a nice easy thing this Don't punish the guy for being too into you if you really want to if you're into it Which it sounds like she even said she wanted to fuck him right so I just want to fuck if you told him like hey I'm not looking for the serious and

But I really like spending time with you. I find you attractive. Like, I'd like to hook up, whatever. Also, you're giving him your virginity, which is like, he will feel special even if you don't date for the rest of his life. That's frontier logic right there. I go, when a woman is pure...

When you're ever to deflower a woman, you paint that on it. A lot of men. That counts for four other bitches. One virgin counts for four sullied whores. Breaking a hymen does mean that she is your prairie wife. Yeah. But,

But I'll say, here's what I'll say. Your instincts are correct here. This is the age to do, you know, to do... You said you'd be getting a lot of innocent, like, confessions of love. You know, people are... I think...

airing on the side of innocent, nice, sort of like sweet stuff to kind of get your foot in the door and also realize what you want sexually and also demystify it. And this is nice because this is almost like the tutorial level of a video game. Yeah. You're in no danger whatsoever. You're just walking around. You're learning how to play the buttons. Yeah, you're learning what B does. Hey, man, show me how you jump. Yeah, yeah.

Hey, show me how to suck dick. Oh, that's pretty cool. How would I fuck? Oh, like this? Nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice. Super pump. Super pump. Watch out. I'm going to bust. I'm busting. I'm busting. Tits, ass, belly, mouth. Where would you like me to blow it? Give this sweet boy, give this sweet boy your unblemished, give him the purity that's known as...

Untapped bisexual pussy. I mean, yeah.

When you're in Colorado. And by the way, it's like, I'm trying to be as professional as possible. This is like, this girl like wrote in a porn category. This is like a porn, like sweet nerd with fat tits who just wants to get fucked. And I'm like, okay, just do what's best for you. So I'm at home putting baby oil on my big bouncy boobs. And I wonder why won't nice boys bang me? I'm like, I'm just...

Just hang out with a nice guy. She goes, I'm 19. Don't come to a show, please. I'm barely legal and I'm very horny. I'm also a night nurse. What? So look, this is like, basically, I guess our advice is don't overthink it. Take things slow. This is a guy who might be a little too into you if you really want to be. If you're just up front and you're like, you know, I don't want anything serious, whatever,

Then you've done your due diligence, right? But I just say, like, in the moment you wanted to kiss him, now you want to fuck him. Fuck a little bit. And how do you get it? You'll figure it out.

And P.S., he's going to come so fast the first time. So quickly. The second time, he's going to fuck the shit out of you. Yeah. But the first time, let the boy blow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let him fucking, and then the parade of apologies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then get ready for round two because he'll be fucking 19. He'll be ready to go the second the cum leaves his dick. Totally. And by the way, what you're saying is if you were like, hey, I like you. I like, you know, I...

I like spending time with you. I think you're attractive. I'm at a point in my life where I just want to explore sexually. Like, again, if I'm 19 and a hot girl that I have a crush on, I think I love says that to me.

I'm gonna, it's like. I'm a devout Christian after that because I believe in God. Yeah, it's like buying a fuck, something you can't afford on a credit card. You're like, I'll figure it out when she fucking breaks up with me. I just have to fuck her five times. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. 62 inch, 4K. Yeah, oh. Yeah, I delivered. 90% interest rate, great. No problem, no problem, no problem, no problem. You know what I mean? You watch that first sporting event at home like, it's like I'm there. Yeah.

But it's good you're thinking about this stuff. You're a good person. You're a good person. And start sweet because it sounds like you're, you also sound like the kind of person that like, you know, you might be in, like, you sound like prey, basically, for like, for people that want to like mistreat sweet, hot, young women. Yeah, your first sex should be a lot of you guys saying hi to each other while he's inside of you.

She'd be a lot of like, hi. And it's interesting because she clearly, if my guess is she wants to break out of that innocence, like maybe this is something that she's been up against her whole life. She wants to go like Christina Aguilera dirty. Yeah, she's a gunpowder. She's a keg of gunpowder. So, but like, don't rush it. Take your time with it. And you'll get, you'll learn all that stuff. You'll figure out what you like. And, you know, enjoy the tutorial level for a little bit. If it's not this guy, guys like this, whatever. And if the guy you're going to fuck is watching this,

Fucking, you just struck gold, my friend. Yeah, absolutely. You just hit a vein of gold. Yeah, but you know, you're worried about like,

how do I get dick? How do I get pussy? It's like, you're already saying like multiple people confess their love to you. You have big ass tits and you're a fucking computer science major. Like everyone you're in a class with wants to fuck you probably. The professor wants to fuck you. Yeah, yeah. Him most of all. He's like, yeah, you're, Jesus Christ. It's triple D's? What is this? Fuck, I lost my wife two years ago. Fucking going through it.

She's like, this sucks because I can't find anybody to pound my pussy. And he goes, oh, fuck. He's like, just one more year and then I get tenure. Tenure. Don't do anything crazy until you get tenure. You're going to move to Switzerland. You're going to move to Switzerland. Oh, man. Good luck. You'll be fine. God bless. And Salah.

Ooh, ooh, baby. What else we got, little eldest? So sorry. Last time I'll leave this voicemail, I feel like I messed up the other two. The call dropped on the last one. It's okay. I'm getting married this November 2025. My fiance and I have been together four years. He's great.

What? Excuse me? What?

Wow, pause this. Sick. That's awesome. Sick. Basically, the last caller's like, that's what I want! Yeah. She was like, give me! Yeah.

Dude, 18-year-old guy fucking a 30-year-old woman rules. Yeah. As a guy that only got pussy from women over 30 when he was 20, shout out. Only, dude. Respect. Only. That makes so much sense. College girls didn't want to fuck me at all. Wow. But I worked at that radio station, and I'll tell you what, if a woman was into Hoobastank...

Then your boy was getting that Hoobastank. Dude, all those ladies listening to 40 Minutes Non-Stop New Rock. Getting fucking blitzed by the kid. I'm coming off the edge. You're at a fucking local Bennigan's doing a fucking... Dude, I was doing the Desert Diamond Casino. Just bombing for 20 minutes.

Than having a lady tell me her kid got taken by Pima County Child Services. Like, that's sad. That sucks. You want to go do a shot at the golden nugget? I'm 19, but I'm an old soul. This is fucking wild. Let's keep going on this. Shout out real quick, though. Shout out to older women that fuck younger men. Because the thing that they do that younger women don't know is they tell you to slow down.

It's just jackhammer city until you fuck an older lady and then they go baby baby baby Relax. Yes, that was the most sexual liberating part of my life is when an older woman went slow down All right

I'm trying to come. I know how to come. These young girls are just fucking... It's true. I fucked an older... Not that much older. Maybe when I moved here, she was 10 years old. She wasn't super old, whatever. But there was... There's a before and after moment to that

Like, making a girl who knows how to bust bust in a specific way. It is the moment in Wayne's World 2 where Garth has got the smoking jacket after he fucks Kim Basinger. Yes, my darling. Yeah, absolutely. Sometimes my darling loves me. There is something, too, that everybody should fuck somebody. Oh, BZ Grills, this might be our last call, folks. Everybody should have a little dalliance with an age gap.

Dog, having an older lover. Yeah, it's nice. It is incredible. It'll teach you a little something. It's time travel fuck. Yeah, yeah. I'm here from the future. Fuck slow. I don't have much time. You're going to come very fast. You're going to come too fast. Titty fucking is okay if you ask. But don't spit on the tits. Let her spit on her own tits. Oh, fuck.

Play us the rest of this call, Eldest. This fucking penthouse pet. I'm not going to get into exactly how she told me, but she was pretty flippant about it. Wild move on her part, by the way. Honestly, pause it real quick. Makes me think her future mother-in-law has a little bit of a drinking problem. If you're just throwing out info like that, you better be three sheets to the wind. This is insanity, and also like,

Imagine her dad at the first joint family Thanksgiving being like... He does the fucking... Bernice. Good to see you again. Name...

Do we have a moment in a vault? Yeah, I mean, that's crazy. Like, this is the dad's nightmare, dude. Of course. Of course she comes back. I can never have anything good. The one cool piece of fucking old pussy I get. The one thing I used to beat off you for 30 years. And now I got to play at a fucking wedding with this bitch? I have to see this bitch at Easter. Oh, man.

This is also an insane move on the mother-in-law's part. You take this to the grave. You give fucking like that kind of thing at Easter. For sure. This should have been an old school, the way everyone died with their secrets. This should have been like you're raising another man's child in the frontier. How shit like that would happen all the time. Understood secrets. When did you marry Ma? Uncle Dingo. Well, you're dead.

He died of tuberculosis. You don't go, well, your mom was sucking me off by the feed wagon. We were out back in the prairie and your mom was getting boofed by me. She would have done just about anything for shelter. She had a mouth to feed and no skills. Your mother liked it when the natives watched.

Alright, let's finish this up. Kind of like laughed when she told me. I was obviously super uncomfortable. Yeah. Anyways, the wedding is coming up in like nine months. Uh...

Of course. Yeah, we know exactly who this woman is. She's the woman who fucked an 18-year-old. Like, she's awesome, by the way. She rules. But this is crazy to tell her. Driving a fucking, you know, you drive a fast car in New York City, you're not really getting the most out of it. Take that thing to the country, let it stretch its legs.

This lady is the old flirty fun. You see this lady when you're, this is the types of ladies you wanted to bump into when you were 24. 100%. Oh, so, you know, bitch named Barb that just buys you a whole margarita fucking tower. Oh, that plays with her necklace while you tell her what classes you're taking? Yeah.

Finish this up here, Eld. And my dad is not. He's pretty reserved. Oh, yeah. He speaks to himself. Crack that nut. He's pretty quiet. She sucked this nerd off. He doesn't like talking about that kind of a thing. You know, like, sexual innuendos and stuff. I mean, he's just very, very, like, quiet and conservative. Has a really good sense of humor, but that's not part of his sense of humor. He's very, like, dry.

dry humor. Anyways, so pretty nervous that she's going to make a joke or a comment and he's going to like die of embarrassment at my wedding. So I want to avoid that. She makes comments and jokes even to me like in front of my fiance's family because no one else knows. My fiance knows. But yeah, I mean she'll say stuff in front of

my fiance's dad who doesn't know. Anyway, okay, thanks for... Oh my God, she's a villain. She's an insane... I mean, this is a wild card. This lady who used to, you know, the outgoing flirtatious woman, now she's in her late 60s.

You know, the power is gone. The power is zapped. I mean, dude, her fastball is dark magic now. Yeah. Yeah. Her fastball is gone. These are she's got to fucking do an EFIS pitch now to stay relevant. She's doing it up, dude. Yeah. This is fucking wild. I mean, you have to. I hate to give you this solution, but in my mind, it's the only thing that makes sense right now. You have to go have a one on one with her and go like this. She or does her fucking husband?

Her husband doesn't know, dude. No, no, no. Her fiance knows. I'm sorry. Her fiance. Oh, yeah. You do it together. It's his mom. I'll tell you right now. He has to do it. If Katie had a problem with Trish, I would mediate it. You would mediate. Sure. You would immediately mediate. Yeah. You go like, hey, there's a problem. Bring her in. We got to talk about this.

It's the only way to settle it, dude. Oh, with your mom, yes. My mom. I'm saying the husband needs to mediate her expressing her feelings that she does not want to be comfortable at her own wedding. She's uncomfortable with the jokes that she fucked her mom. Honestly, maybe even crack a joke. Like, well, clearly the sexual chemistry between the families are good. Because I'm going to be fucking your boy the rest of my life. Maybe even get his baby juice in me. I would say, yeah, he has to mediate or...

This kind of falls on him. My thing is like, does she even need to be there? No. You got to take care of this. It's your mom. You got to take care. Moms are the one, like, if you're the son, you got to go take care of it. Yeah. I would say to make things cool, I would do it together and make it as like a little. Sure. That way it doesn't feel. Because the other thing is you don't want to like.

You want to address it, but diffuse if you can. You don't want to make it, but at the same time, you're like, hey, not a huge, kind of the vibe has to be like, look, it's not a big deal. It's just my dad's a pretty reserved guy. I just want to make sure we're not, I don't want to embarrass him. She's very sweet. She says like the whole problem is she doesn't want her dad to feel embarrassed. And I think if you say that, it's like she has to understand. And then at the end of the day, if she doesn't,

Except that you're like, well, then we have to throw our nuts on the table and say, it's our fucking wedding. And so we are asking this of you and you have to do it. Parents don't understand. Hopefully he doesn't have to get to that. A lot of times parents, and I'm sure this is just like a generational thing and it happens to you when you get older, you still think you're the main character and you're not the main character. You guys, this is your fucking wedding. Right.

You got to make sure you have a great time at this wedding. I mean, this is a nuts situation. I mean, to find that out, please call back with the full story of how you found out. Yeah, we want to know how she's like. I'll come back on. We'll get more BZ Grill if we got it.

Come do a live show. We'll get her on the horn. Yeah, do a live show. People call in and we talk to them directly. I want to know how your mother-in-law told you she fucked your dad. Probably in a fucked up, those like drunk old bitch ways where it's like, oh. I had your father. I had him. I'm just imagining like Lucille Bluth. Exactly. Your father was a generous lover. What? I said it. What?

His cunnilingus was remarkable. Oh, Jesus Christ. That's where your husband used to live. Now, part of me loves his house. Your dad and husband both enjoyed my womb. My pussy.

Part of me is a little... Like, part of me wants to say, like, this is like, you know, you don't even want to touch. It's like diffusing a bomb. You're better off just not even doing it. But I think... This woman's wild card. I think she's enough of a wild card where it's like, it's not a let sleeping dogs lie because this dog's been...

Stirring in its sleep. You know what I mean? Starts to go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, dude, don't bark. If it was totally sleeping, I'd be dead. If she said that one comment and never brought it up again. But if she's constantly making little jabs. Zings in front of the family and the fucking dad doesn't know. His dad doesn't know. Kind of cucking her own husband. She's like, yeah, that's right. It'd be crazy if I fucked your dad. He's like, why do you keep saying that? Yeah.

Hey, stop being so rude to Mark. Why the fuck do you keep saying you are a fucker? I know we're divorced now, so I can bring this out in the open. What the fuck is wrong with you?

Janet, you crazy slut. The fuck is wrong with you? But yeah, I think you have to go in. You have to tag team it with your fiance. He should take the lead. You're there more to just kind of not make it feel like... Because the other thing is you don't want to sit this woman down and kind of make her feel like she's having an ultimatum because she's going to act out like the dumb bitch she is. Like, oh, you don't want me to do it? Well, watch this. Then I'm going to set your house on fire. And that's when you...

Cracker in the fucking face. And then you look at your son and you go, clean up your mom. I'm going to go make dinner. Looks like somebody just checked into the Alzheimer's facility. Sorry, mommy. Mother, can I help you off the ground? You hit me. There'll be a lot more of that. Yeah, so did my dad, you fucking slut. Sucking dick in the fucking vault. We don't know that dad is actually the villain. He sees her and goes...

He goes, hey, you want to hear an impression of your mother-in-law? Fucking give me the deposit. Oh, boy, did I make deposits in that bank. He goes, my God, I guess you kept it in savings. Never cashed that check, you know what I mean? Anyways, do you want that cake or do you want that cake?

I'm paying for it. Funfetti or what do you do, a mix? I think we should do a strawberry. So yeah, there you go. Good luck. This lady's insane. This is one of those calls that if it were done poorly would be clearly fake, but you hear it in her voice that this is fucking real. And anyway...

Good luck. Call back on the live show. Let us know how the wedding went. Truly. Please. Leave us a fucking message. And have a beautiful day. Have a beautiful day. Enjoy it. Everybody out there, have a wonderful day. I meant your wedding. Thanks for calling in. Oh, yeah. But everybody else, too. Everybody, too. The wedding should be beautiful. The penthouse pet. You go fuck that nice little guy. The girl whose roommate keeps pissing. Hose him down the next time he pisses on your shit. Piss factory. Piss factory.

I forget who else. We have BZ Grill waiting. The fact that we've even done 10 extra minutes is kind of crazy. So thanks, guys. Dan, thank you. Anything you want? We should have plugged it earlier. Anything you want to plug? Soder, my podcast. Of course. DanSoder.com. I am on the road doing a big tour at the end of the year. Oh, nice. Probably by the time this comes out, I have a name for it. But first big theater tour.

All right, well, we'll put you later in this batch that's closer to when it comes out. And then, you know what? Do this. Be like, yeah, go see DeSoto on the tour. Go see me on my tour. DeSoto.com. Go buy tickets, and I'll see you in the fall. Yeah. Literally tell us when you put the tickets out, if you have a date. We'll put it that week. Because we're going through May. I love it. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Thanks, guys. We love you, and we will talk to you soon. Bye-bye.