C03 - Ep. 10 - Mission Through Middrus - Don't Axe, Don't Tell
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Good evening all you arena burrow your way into the stinky dragon and quaff our latest cuppa London hedge fog It's a mixture of feral grey tea quill milk vermin illa syrup well water and topped with a scrounging of lavender one splash of this spines tingling sauce and you'll be saying gotta go fast

Previously our adventurers were ganged up on by group and green thumbed goons, but after a ring around the gladiatorial garden, they brought the house down. Now they've fallen face to face with a fiendish foe named the Baron. Dry yourself a drip and let's dive into this dank drama.

Hello, everyone. Welcome to Tales from the Stinky Dragon, episode number 10. We're in the double digits. They tried to stop us, but they couldn't. I'm your dungeon master, Gustavo Chirola. I'm joined by four players. I'm going to hit them with an arrow. Yay! Who was trying to stop us?

Yeah, you know, Big Rooster. That's got to be a villain in a future campaign. I am Big Rooster. Totally unrelated, and we can cut this if it's deemed necessary, but we've been recording episodes of Anima. None of them have come out yet, but we have this recurring theme that Rooster Teeth was trying to stop us for years, and now we're free, and we can do what we want. Anyway, this week, the question is,

Who was your character's secret crush when they were younger, and did they let them know? If so, what was the result? Roll a d20. Oh, Barbara remembering. I got 11. I'm going to just go with 11 as well. One, five. So Blaine and I both got 11? Yeah, let's roll off a d20 again. Attack.

It's important. Six. 17. Okay, so it goes, who got a 15? Five. I'm holding up my number. So it goes, Chris. I got a one. Oh, okay.

I think I won. I think I won. Blame Barbara John Chris. This is my nightmare. All right. All right. First of all, hello. I'm told you who I have a few bones to pick. Okay. First of all, I thought I forgot the voice, but here we are. I rolled right into it. Someone set this recording to 945. We always do 10. I have been rushing like a madman all morning.

What was the arrow? Something about to crush? Who do you want to crush? Tolv, I'm going to give you a quick life hack here. I think it would be helpful if you look at your calendar the night before, then you can adequately plan in the morning and you're not rushing around all crazy. Yeah.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Did 15 minutes make that big of a difference? Yeah, because I didn't get to feed my dog. So then I was like, Kristen, can you feed the dog? I'll go feed the cats tonight. So I had to like start the day with negotiations. And then I'm... What time did Blaine get up today? 9.30! Oh my God.

It's warm in my bed. It's cold outside. It's wet. I got up at 930. No, I got up at nine because I thought we were recording at 930. Are you all children? Yes. Listen, what you gotta do is look at your calendar two weeks in advance. Make a schedule. Plan it out. You know, do the math equations for how long you gotta sleep, when you gotta get up, when you gotta ask your girlfriend to feed your dog. You know, you plan all these things ahead. You who I'm told. Doug, are you me? Ha ha ha.

Hey, Gus, that's my secret. This whole time I've just been role-playing you. That sounds very familiar to me. Okay, the question. Let me reread the question here for Mr. Tolv.

Who was your character's secret crush when they were younger? Did they let them know? And if so, what was their result? And that was sent by Dedrick. I don't think I said that before. Yeah. So you who I'm told, sorry about the rough introduction. Let's get into this. It's okay. It's okay. Yes. Tolv did have one crush.

You know, as a bit of a sailor, a seaman going from port to port, you know, at one point I went to a harbor town and I went into a bar where a woman was laying whiskey down and all the sailors, they say, you know, Brandy, you'd be a fine girl. You know, what a good wife you would be, you know, but my life, my love and my lady is the sea. Oh,

That wasn't an ABBA reference. They did a cover of this song, okay? You're confined to ABBA references. I'm in ABBA jail.

Okay, I'm going to be so real with you right now. I heard that in a song and I thought it would be funny. Yeah, I think that was an old sea shanty. Yeah, yeah. No, I told you, Toph has not experienced much love in his life. You know, I said from the love of his fellow crew members, you know, and that's more of a platonic love.

Yeah, no, you know, my options are open. You know, if we find someone on this adventure. No, no, no. Okay, I mean, let's not get ahead of ourselves. We're talking about the past. We're talking about...

You know, in the past, that sounds like Tolva setting up a dating profile. No, no, no. Let me, let me. I'm an eligible bachelor. So, you know, my name is Tolva. I'm blonde. I'm about seven foot two. Wow. My hobbies include sailing, tying knots, hitting things with a hammer. Sounds like a handyman. Hit me up.

You'll find your love someday. I'm hoping you do. Tell them just, Yoo-hoo, where you at?

You up? You up? Well, thanks, Toll. I think that was very insightful. And kids, if you don't get that song reference, go ask your parents or your grandparents at this point. Just to date this podcast a little bit, we recently put out the Spotify wrapped details, like all the different stats and demographics about our podcast. And we noticed that the 55 and up age range is 1% of our listeners and

And so I want to start a petition to get everyone who listens to the show to get their mom, dad, or grandparents to listen, depending on age. I've been trying that from the start. I've been petitioning for grandmas from the beginning. And so I'm actually going to take credit for that 1%. That's what I'm going to do. They will get our references, that age range. My other favorite demographic little tidbit fact is every time we put out new merch, someone from Norway...

Yeah.

I'm going to do a quick plug for our Discord here. I know who that is. I've seen them in Discord. If you'd like to join our Discord or communicate with someone from Norway who loves our store, go to stinkydragonpod.com. And us. Yeah. Sign up for Patreon and you get Discord access not only to us, but to someone from Norway. I'm loving this Norwegian. That's all I got to say. Yeah, shout out. Barbara, introduce us to Doug.

Hello, I'm Barbara Dunkelman and I play Doug Boone, the artifice or bugbear currently at level three. And let's see Doug, Doug's courses. You know, it's kind of awkward because Doug, when he was younger, grew up just like in his clan, like in his area. So like having a course on someone is it's almost like having a course on like your sister or

which is kind of weird. But there was this one girl named Rosemary. She was, you know, about a foot taller than Doug, very strong, and made Gus feel... Oops, not Gus. Made Doug feel...

Made Doug feel some kind of way. So Gus and Doug are similar names. They're very similar. Did you ever tell her? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Absolutely not. I would never. That secret, other than telling all of you right now, has stayed locked away in Doug's heart for a very long time. Well, it's in the past. Where is Rosemary now? I mean, she might still be traveling with them, but I don't know. I haven't seen her in many years. Doug Lord just dropped your clan travels? You know, time to time. They're typically in one location, but...

Every now and then they go out on a hunt and, you know, do those things. Vacation. They're like always on the look. They're like the fantasy equivalent to like people who go to open houses and look at houses for sale. Not necessarily intending to move, but they find the right one. They're like, ooh, this is nice. We're going to see if we can make this happen. Put in an offer. Yeah. That was really enlightening, Doug. Thank you. Thanks for sharing.

if everyone who heard that little secret could just keep it to themselves and not tell anybody we're in a circle of trust yeah circle of trust was all of our listeners as well even in Norway big circle your microphone's working right Doug we got that the circle of trust is the globe yeah that's the circle who's uh uh

John, I believe, Natty, I think. Yeah. Hi, I'm John Reisinger and I play Natty Wonder, who is a drow elf warlock. And, golly, crushes? I mean, of course I had crushes. I reckon almost everybody must have a crush at some point or is hoping to have one. I had, honestly, I had a lot of crushes when I was young. And in fact, I...

I'd write a song about every crush that I had. And the funny thing is that actually my first album that I ever released was all just...

Names of boys I liked was all the song titles. The album was called Howdy Y'all, Well, I'm Natty. Howdy Y'all, Well, I'm Natty. You know, the funny thing is, is I can't remember which was my first crush, but I mean, it's got to be one of the titles of that first album. There was Johnny, Jason, Willie, Waylon, Sturgill, Steve, Garth, Tim, Tyler, and the other Tyler. Oh, yeah.

So one of them. Wait, junior or senior? Of what? I know which one he means. It's not Waylon. It's... Oh, never mind. There's a country singer. I think it was Hank you were thinking of. Hank Williams Jr. Hank Williams Sr. My God. Sorry, that's it. Hey, shout out to our age 55 and up demographic. Yeah.

I mean, you're keeping it real. Represent him. Join me. And I mean, another fun little natty fact is that the album did so good that people, I think people started being nice to me just so I'd have a crush on them and I'd write a song about them. But yeah, I had lots of crushes and I told them all. Tolva's in the back of the room singing, play Jolene. Play Jolene. You have a first time coming in Jolene?

I didn't know. Hey, Natty, you don't have to have a question on me, but what would a song about Doug be called?

Oh gosh, I haven't even started writing songs about y'all. I suppose I should get on that at some point. That is this campaign's new theme song. That's what we do. But yeah, that's my answer. Micah just wrote, great.

new character songs all performed by John as Natty thank you John for offering yeah happy to Gunther why don't you step up to the mic yeah hello I'm Chris Damaris I'm playing Gunther the level 3 fighter croak folks or frog when I first heard this question at first I thought I had crushed many bugs but then I understand that you speak of love and I can say this the one that got away oh

My wife. Oh. Oh.

Because I'm not there anymore. Gunther lore. So that would be my first crush. Did you abandon your wife? No. Yes. Did she know? Like, did you leave her a letter? Did you talk about it? Yes, she knows. Oh, but you guys are still married, right? You didn't break up, right? Yes, she's still my wife. I'm just not there. Is she looking after all the kids by herself, like single mother style? Because that's

That's tough. That's a tough life. That's a D&D adventure on its own. Right. So many tasks and so many side quests. Soccer practice. Now I feel sadness. I'm not sure Gunther knows what the phrase, the one that got away means. Yeah. It is where I'm not there. Technically, you're the one that got away from her. More like went away. So I got away. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. Do we need to like take you back home, Gunther? Are you lost? No, I'm not lost. Where are you? What?

So, Gunther. Yes. There's always so many threads to pull whenever you start talking. And there's so many. Every answer yields like three more questions. Oh. Yeah. So, you're an enigma. We're going to figure out what's going on with you at some point, Gunther. You will hit me with an arrow. Yes, I will. He already knows your game. The next arrow just needs to be, how old are you? Secrets. Secrets.

How old do Krog folk live? Like what's average lifespan? Well, it's a made up class. I mean, I'm a made up race. I say made up custom. So I think we talked about like normal. I don't know. I don't remember. Micah! Help us. All right. That's a, that was good. A lot, a lot of great information here. I'm being an uncrustable.

I see it. It's good. For you, Gus. Didn't air fry it, huh? It's actually kind of frozen. It's when the peanut butter is nice and... Oh, my God. Gus is addicted. Hey, if anyone listens to this and has a connection with Smuckers, please get us in touch because we've gotten Gus hooked. I ate two before we started recording. I'm sad. I love these things. Oh, my God. They got so many calories. But we love you, Smuckers. Okay.

I wink at her. Oh, she doesn't like that. She looks at you and says, If I'm going down, you are too. Uh-oh. You can try. Hominis. She turns around and strikes the wall behind her, and the whole building begins collapsing all around you. Uh-oh. Big pieces of lumber and the wall fall down, begin knocking holes in the ground beneath you, and the whole ground begins to shake and eventually collapse. Say it.

You all fall into a dark cavern below. You see four obelisks made of petrified wood glowing with fiendish runes, and you hear a boisterous yet posh voice say, I filled this forest to its knees, and so shall you. All shall tremble before the Baron. What? I'm not sure if we... I think we rolled for initiative, but I'm not sure if we did this. Is the Baron...

Similar to the fancy, like, Cyclops demon guy that was all judged out. Give me his name and I'll give you an inspiration die. Magistrate. All right. Inspiration die. 16, go ahead and go. Hey! High five! We're going to split that inspiration die. Of course, of course. Wait, I didn't get an inspiration die, did I? Yeah, I said if you had it. Wow! Hey!

I mean, this is also a demon/devil. Does not look like the Magistrate. Let me read the intro just because there is a description there. Okay. After you all fall, the dust settles and there's a glow from runes dimly illuminating a wood elf lying on the floor amongst the obelisks. Her flannel petticoat and face are bloodied and her bubblegum hair is torn. An immense figure steps over the elf. It's a hairy devil with brawny muscles and sprawling horns.

Her armor resembles the look of the petrified wood obelisks with matching runes. At the sight of the devil, the elf begins to whimper and limply shuffle away on the floor. The devil lifts her tree trunk sized hands and the four obelisks rise into the air. She slams her fists into the floor and the obelisks follow suit with a WHAM! A wave of force discharges from the glowing obelisks, quaking the cavern and your knees.

The elf freezes in place like a statue lying on the ground, still breathing but motionless. The devil looks down at the elf. "This one proved to know nothing." She looks up at you all. "But perhaps you will prove to be more valuable. Hunna,

- Gregor, whoever brings me these intruders will have Kiyo's share of the silver. - The two gardeners rise from the rubble, look down at their lifeless companion and immediately charge after you all. - That's the gardeners? - Yes. - Okay. And we murdered one of the three? - Yes. - The Baron is the one who was lifting the obelisks? - Yeah, not physically, but it seemed like, yeah, it was controlling them to go up and then down. - Okay.

Guys, who should we attack first? The giant hairy demon with flying orbs that they can control with their mind or the two people with the little hen trows?

And nice little gardening gloves on. I should have also mentioned that along with you guys and the gardeners were a couple of the corpses of those demons that you dispatched upstairs during your fight. And we're with our team and then private parts with us too, right? Correct. Go get them private parts!

Why does everyone roll the initiative just so we know where everyone is? Sure. This is a new fight from the one we were previously in whenever the floor collapsed. Correct. Starting fresh. 29. Hot dropping 18. 15. You said orbs. Did you mean obelisks? Yeah. Okay. Just check. Toll footer obelisks. Obelisks. Obelisks.

You ever seen the one the 2001 Space Odyssey you know with the big standing thing and the monkeys go They're like that

An obelisk, to be more specific, is a tall, slender, tapered monument with four sides and a pure middle top. Yeah, and they make monkeys go, wah! Exactly. Doug, I think you're a little closer. It's almost like Doug might be reading a Wikipedia page. No, just Doug reading from the inside of his mind of all the knowledge he's collected. In his mind palace. It'd be weird if you could read your mind like,

like a book, wouldn't it? We've established in Stinky Dragon lore that Barbara doesn't have an inner monologue voice. So maybe that's how it is. It's all like text. That's not lore. That's just Barbara does not have an inner monologue. Yeah, but it's like lore to the people that listen. I don't know. It's just me being, it's like one of two people. The people who have an inner monologue and people who don't.

It's like the same thing where it's like people who stand up to wipe and people who sit down to wipe. Let's not start that one again. People who like cilantro and don't like cilantro.

That's Blaine lore. I love the sloth realm. So good. Give me yum yum. I just wanted to be the... Anytime we... Chris. I want to... Anytime we have something like a fact about our lives, we just call it lore in the Stinky Dragon Realm. You know? It's just reality, dude. No, no. Legend has it Blaine tore his bicep. I think literally the etymology of lore is something made up. No. Okay. I've got all my initiatives set up here and just...

Point of clarity for me, Doug, you still have Gambot deployed at this point, correct? Correct. Okay. Then Gambot goes on your turn. I think he goes right after me on my turn, right? Or does it matter? Probably doesn't matter. He goes on your turn. Like, if you wanted to have Gambot go before you, you can.

So I'll give an initiative overview here and then I'll update you guys as we go. First up, we have Doug with a 20, Tov with an 18, Private Parts with a 17, one of the gardeners with a 16, Gunther with a 15, the Baron with a 14, Natty with a 9, and the other gardener with an 8.

Sounds good. Okey-dokey. And while we have a moment of pause, you know, Stinky Dragon Lord Gus loves Uncrustables. So good. Gimme. Not the grape ones, though, just strawberry. I love the grape ones. I know. I figured as much because you talked about getting them at Costco, and Costco only carries the grape ones. Gus has done research. That's very specific Uncrustables facts. Okay. Okay.

So we're going to start off here with Doug. Doug, before you're able to act, the Baron screams. And it's so loud, you all have to cover your ears. And a swarm of those small flying demons fly out from holes in the ground and begin surrounding you guys. They just popped out of the ground. How did we kill those last time? Physical damage.

Not fire. Yeah, not fire. That is correct. At one point, Tolv put his cape over the hole to block mist, so maybe I could put my shield on a hole and, like, stand on it. I feel like that's going to be like a game of whack-a-mole. Or like 1080 snowboarding, because I'll be, like, surfing on my snowboard. All right, Doug, you are up.

Okay. The gardener is running towards us. Could I take aim at one of them with my crossbow? Sure. What were their names? The two that are remaining are Grego and Hanna. Hanna is the one that had the smoking pickaxe. Okay. Okay.

I'll do that Hana. Okay. I'm guessing this doesn't hit but that's a nine. No, that does not. Yeah, Doug, fire your crossbow but the shot flies wide. Can I give an inspiration die? Absolutely. Go ahead. Take another shot. Oh, wow. Thanks. I wouldn't have gotten it had you not answered the question with John. 12. That work? No, that is not hit. Give it back. You know what? Screw it. You can have mine too. Does that happen?

I don't know, but let's say yes. Suncast Fantasy. Oh my God. Oh my God. Okay, 17. Yeah. Okay, we got it. Teamwork. Maybe. I think that's a miss. What? Let me double check.

Yeah, that's a miss. What are these gardeners? What are they gardening? It's almost like they're not really gardeners or something. It's like they're gardeners. Well, that's annoying. All right. Well, we got info. We know these guys are stacked. Yeah. I guess, could I then move right behind my steel defender? Yes. He's so much smaller than you. I know. Oh, Gambot. Gambot, save us. Gambot. Yeah, that's all I could do then.

Okay. But what about Gambot? Well, I have a question. How close are they to Gambot right now? They're probably, let's call it 15 feet away. Okay. Then Gambot will move up 10 feet towards the nearest enemy. Okay.

Okay. And then he will try his Force Empowered Rend. Ooh, that sounds powerful. Which is a melee weapon attack. So it's a plus six to hit. Ooh. And he's not going to get it because it was a four, so plus six is ten. Not good rolls today. You do your best, Gambok. Gambok, you know, that was a good try, buddy. Come back to me. And he just steps back towards Doug another time.

10 feet. Does Gambot talk? No, I talk to him though. Oh. What is the range on Gambot's rend? Is that like a five foot reach? Five feet, yeah. So then if Gambot comes back to you, that would proc an attack of opportunity from Hano. Oh, he would. Okay, he'll stay there then. Okay. So Gambot moves up 10 feet and stays there kind of threatening Hano. Yeah. All right. That it? Yeah.

Okay. It normally would be Tolv's turn, but since those devils flew out, two of them are going to go right now. And they begin flying around, and they're going to try to swipe at Gambot since Gambot came out and tried to hit Hunna. This is sad. Yeah. This is his first fight. If you hurt him, it'll be okay. No.

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- What? We love Gambot, protect it on costs. - All right, they begin, oh, this might have, this might actually not have been good for me. But we'll find out when we get there. All right, the two of them begin trying to bite at Gambot. Have Gambot make two constitution saving throws. - Okay. - I tell you what, just roll the d20 twice and we'll figure it out from there. - Okay. Double d0, seven and a 15. So total of 22. - Okay.

It looks like he has a plus four on that. So that's an 11 and a 19. Yeah, that is successful. You needed an 11. So the bites actually do nothing. Gambot is able to shake them off. Maybe it's his steel exterior. He doesn't have arms, but somehow you could tell that he's standing up straighter and taller, even though he's very small. That's our boy.

Alright, Tolv, it's your turn. Then after Tolv is private parts and a couple of those demons. Okay, tell me again about the surroundings. Are there any like, you know, beams holding up like load-bearing beams or explosive barrels? So this is a pretty dark cavern and you look around and you see veins of silver ore in the walls.

It's almost like a rough rectangle kind of oblong room. You all are in the southern portion of it and it goes out to the north from where you are. A little north of you is those obelisks. Then beyond that appear to be some piles of silver.

I'm going to deal with your immediate area directly around you because I assume that's what you're going to focus on. Where you are, there are stacks of lumber and piles of rock on the ground and deep holes that appear to be left over from mining excavations.

Okay. And then with the obelisks, do I recognize the runes that are written on the obelisks that the Baron is using? Yeah. So you look up to the center of the room and you see four obelisks that appear to be made of petrified wood that are illuminated with runes. And just to reiterate, in the middle of the four obelisks is a female wood elf with curly bubblegum hair wearing flannel petticoats.

And the illuminated rooms orbit each of the four obelisks slowly, and they appear to be identical on each obelisk, and they're written in undercommon. I do understand our undercommon...

I don't think I do. Probably not. Under common, like, what is that? Is that just a variation of common, but it's a different language? Right. Entirely? Okay. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Cool. I'm going to take some. I'm going to go. First of all, you who I'm told I'm going to rage. First and foremost.

That's my bonus action. Am I close enough to the obelisk and the elf in the middle of the obelisk to make my movement, or is it too far away? Let's see. The obelisks are probably like 25 feet away from where you are. Okay, I'm going to head to the closest obelisk. It's two on the north side and two on the south side. So when you approach, there's two. There's like one to the west and one to the east. They're about the same distance from you.

I'll take the southwest one. Okay. Hopefully I get some bonus miles, and then I'm going to swipe at it with my war hammer. The funny thing is, as you start to get closer, you feel like you become heavier and heavier, and it's harder and harder to move. Oh. As he gets closer.

Closer to the obelisk? Yeah. It's a sort of gravitational field. Do I recognize the sensation? Yeah, it's after you eat a big meal. Oh! You don't recognize the sensation necessarily, but you feel almost like you're slower in general. From a metagame perspective, your movement speed is halved once you start getting closer to the obelisks. Okay.

Well, I have a walking speed of 30. Does that cancel out? Because it's 25 away. It's 25 away. So then you get... I'm doing some quick math in my head. You're not able to get the entire distance. It's like once you're about halfway to the obelisk is when it starts. So then you only get about three-fourths of the way to the obelisk before you're out of your movement. Okay. So you're still... If you do your maximum movement, you're still 10 feet away or so from the obelisk. Uh...

Okay. Then I'm going to try to throw a javelin at one of the obelisks. Okay. I was thinking about double moving, but I want to get something done. Okay. Go for it. I was also wondering, Gus, since he was raging at the end of the last battle and we immediately went into another battle, would he still be raging?

Oh, the Council of Barbarians has convened. Someone has lit the torches. That's a good question. Councilman Gum-Gum, you have something to say? Yeah. That's a good question. Whoa, who was that? Point of order. Whoa, get back in here. You're not allowed here. Councilwoman Elga starts on the matter.

I'm just watching from afar. I'm not gonna get involved at all. I'm here just to observe and... Thank you, fellow council members. You're not supposed to be here. Get back to the ram spark.

Okay, yeah, I'll say yeah, that you're, we'll say your rage would have continued, that you wouldn't need to reprocket. The chair recognizes the point by Gum-Gum. Thank you, Councilmember Gum-Gum. You're welcome. Okay, now get out of here for real. Bye-bye. Okay, Gum-Gum, let's go continue.

Go play make believe up above in the trees. Goodbye, Council Lady Elgar. Say hello to, uh... Oh, God, what's his name? No one tell him. Bats. No. Boris. Oh, don't worry. Boris knows you say hello. All right, you two get out of here. Oh, God, this isn't your place.

Okay, so you're still making that javelin attack? I'm sorry. I got distracted by those two knuckleheads. No, because of those lovely council members, I have unclicked my rage, so I have that back. And you have your bonus action. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Council member, come, come, thank you. I'm going to use my javelin, so I'm going to roll for that. Oh, no, that's a six. I mean, they don't have very high AC because they're just...

Stupid little obelisks, right? Yeah, but six is a pretty bad roll, Colv. That's not going to hit. Okay. Well, then, let's see what my bonus is. Sorry that I used your inspiration die. It's okay. It's okay. Don't worry about it. It's chill. Storm aura, you get a 10-foot aura effect. Am I within 10 feet of this thing? Yeah, I think I said 10 feet. Yeah, I think I did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When activated, one creature of your choice in your aura takes lightened damage. So...

I'm going to try to use my storm aura of the sea. Is that, am I able to do that? Yeah, it's a bonus action. It says one creature of your choice takes lightning damage, but I mean, we'll go with it. Yes, and. Oh, thank you. Yes, and D6 rolling. That's a two. All right, two points of damage. I say ciao.

Tolv points at one of the obelisks and very quietly under his breath says, "Kachow!" And his aura of lightning reaches out or extends out and hits the obelisk doing two points of damage. I just want to point out, four creatures have now taken their turns.

And what we have resulted in is about like the equivalent of like a static shock on the wooden obelisk. That's all that's happened so far. No one has been able to accomplish any damage otherwise. It's fantastic. I'm sorry. No, I'm saying it's everybody. Everybody, even those demons that were trying to attack Gambot. It's just like everyone's whiffing. Yeah, but did you see how brave he was? He was very brave. He stood his ground.

This does feel like a bit of a middle school dance, just kind of awkward and cumbersome.

I love dances. All right. Is that it for you, Tolv? Yeah. The only other thing, do I notice it have any effect after having hit it? It seems like the, you know, when the lightning hits the obelisk, like the runes scramble a little bit and then reform and continue spinning. Okay. Did the guy who's controlling him, did he react? And his name was? Well, it's not a guy. Yeah. Her name was? Yeah. God.

It's not Grego. It's not Hana. It's not Gus. It's not Chris. It's not Barbara. Those are all the names I know. It's not Hana. It's you. I don't know. The Baron. The Baron. It doesn't seem like she particularly notices. No. Because she's so focused on you guys.

It's Private Parts' turn. Private Parts is going to do what he does best, and he's going to try to offer assistance. And who's he going to give assistance to? He's going to get close to you, Gunther. Okay. And say, Whatever you want to do, don't worry. I'll cover you. Thank you. Metagame perspective, you are the recipient of the help action. So you get advantage on your next attack.

Okay. Okay, that's it for private parts and it's more demon turn. These two are going to focus on Tolth because Tolth, you were doing something they didn't like. So Tolth, make me two constitution saving throws. Okey dokey. That's 15. That's success. And a 20. That's a success. Curses. These things are worthless. All right. That's it for them. Hey, look, I got to try. Okay.

They showed up. They got to take the shot. I feel kind of bad. You know, emotionally, it hurts that you guys ganged up on me. Does that help? Does that make you feel better? But isn't their AC super high? No, their AC is kind of garbage. I'm sure you guys are going to do great. I'm sure you guys are going to win. It's cool. Keep chins up, everybody. All right.

It's one of the gardener's turns. By process of elimination, you know this is Grego. Tolva's over there. Gambot's over there. He's going to go after Gambot because Gambot is threatening Hana. I mean, he's not that threatening. He's pretty small. He's little. Small. Spit on my screen. Small. He has a war pick in his hands and he goes up to try to smash Gambot.

Gambot with his Warpick. This is a plus four to hit. That's a 20. 16 plus four, 20. Whoa. Yeah, it hits. All right. He brings the Warpick down doing three points of damage. Okay. Real low scoring game, you know? Yeah, it's a...

It's a real crowd pleaser. What is this, Sokol? I don't understand sports, but it made me laugh. And I guess that's all he's gonna do. That means it is Gunther's turn. Then after Gunther is the Baron. And where's the Baron in relation to Gunther exactly? The Baron is further up, closer to the obelisks in the center of the room.

And Gunther, the entire party fell in, is like in the southern portion of the room. To the north of them is the obelisks. And then beyond them is, I said, like some bones and treasure. Okay. Baron being in the center of the four obelisks. So like to get to the Baron, I have to go over the obelisks. Is that correct? I don't know if I'd say over, I'd say by them. Because are they spinning around him or are they just kind of hovering in place? The runes are spinning around them. Oh, those are two different things.

The runes are spinning around obelisks, which are stationary. Oh, in my head they were like spinning, like flailing. Yeah. The Baron had lifted them up and then slammed them into the ground earlier. And then the monkeys. Okay, so could I get to the Baron in my turn? The obelisks themselves are about 25 feet away. Then she is probably another, let's call it,

10 feet beyond that. So she's probably a total of 35 feet away. Gunther, keep in mind that you do take your half speed once you get to a certain point. Yeah. Okay. Unless you slow down. Unless you double move. Feel heavy. Unless I range stuff.

I want to try and do this. I want to move forward to about where the slowdown begins, you know? Okay. And then I want to try and standing leap where I go 25 feet high. Or, sorry, 15 feet high and try and like, because it's a 15 foot radius that slows you down. So I want to try and jump

over it if I can. Can I do that? - So you're jumping 15 feet high and then how far forward? - Long jump is up to 25 feet and your high jump is up to 15 feet with or without a running start. So I'm trying to like jump over the slow down period. I guess I have a question. Is that jump, if I jump, is it maxed out at my movement speed or can I jump past my movement speed? Does that make sense? - So are you look, are these special moves specific to Gunther or are you asking about jump in general?

Well, oh, I guess the standing leap for Gunther, or the ability. Good opportunity for fan art. You know, maybe like the Air Jordan logo, but with a frog. Just ribbit. John, John, merchandise, John. Yeah, we totally would get away with making Air Jordan references in Nike parody. I'm sure they wouldn't mind. We can send them an email, perhaps a letter. Air Gunther. Air Gunther. We did get...

a notice from our fulfillment office saying that with what we have been able to do so far with the store, we have surpassed what Nike sold in its first year of business.

So it's a fun little fact. I'm sure Nike didn't sell very much in their first year. They sold two shoes. That's what I'm saying. It's like their first year as a business. But I thought that was a very silly little thing they said. So I did a little bit of reading up on it. And it seems like your standing leap is considered part of your movement total. So it does eat into that because otherwise then.

People would break that rule by just jumping all the time and never actually moving. Yeah, yeah. Okay. So based on what you know, you can move about 10 feet closer to the obelisks before that slowdown starts. So you want to move up 10 feet and then try to jump the remainder of your movement? Yeah, and I guess I'll just land because that's where the obelisk is anyway. So I'll just try and land right in the center of the obelisk so I can attack it.

like on the other side. -Okay. -I try to jump over the slowdown so I land within attacking distance. Okay, so your movement is 25 feet. So if you moved up 10, that would leave you 15 for your leap. And then you want to try to use that 15 to leap over and then get to the obelisk that way. Yeah, so I can get within striking distance.

Gotcha. All right. So, yeah, you move up to 10 feet and, you know, prepare yourself for a standing leap and jump in the air. And when you jump in the air, the same thing seems to happen to you. It's almost like your gravity has more effect or you're weighed down more. And rather than getting the full 15 feet of a jump, you're only able to jump forward about seven or eight feet.

That was small. I was trying to jump like over. Mike and I were having a side conversation. Like, we don't know why you thought of the slow as like a 2D flat thing. It's an aura. Yeah, yeah. That's what I was saying. Like where I get to the edge of it, I jump and then I just, it starts when I fall down into it. Does that make sense? Yeah, but it's like an aura. It's a three-dimensional space. Hey, Gunther. Council of Fighters. It's me, Kyborg. Do a backflip. Do a barrel flip.

You jumped the keyboard. Why is everyone walking in here today? Could all these characters help us in this battle?

I think inadvertently it's the experiences we've learned with all of them. So you jump and you end up more or less at about the same place where Toll is. You're just a little bit behind him actually. I think Toll's movement is more than yours. Toll's movement is 30. Yeah. So it's higher than 15 feet, the radius of the slowdown? So I'm just trying to picture what you're talking about here. There's two different things here, like a high jump or like a standing leap. So it's like your movement is either going vertically or horizontally.

If you're trying to move 15 feet horizontally, you're not also going 15 feet vertically. Oh, I thought I was. Right. Again, it's our friend, the hypotenuse. You're going at an angle. Go forward to try to make the 15 feet of horizontal movement. It's our friend, the hypotenuse.

Okay, sorry. I misunderstood how the jumping worked. Yeah, because there's two jumps. There's a high jump to go vertically and then like a leap or a long jump to go horizontal. It's just like in the Olympics. The dudes who jump over the bar or the dudes who jump really far into the sand. Okay. So you can high five Tolv if you want. You're in high five distance. Well, then I'm going to, I guess I'll throw a hand axe.

Okay. She just goes right and pulls back. Who's your target? I'm going to try the, what's his name? The Baron. I'm going to throw it at the Baron. What's her name? What's her name? Baron. Yeah. You pull out your hand axe and take aim at the Baron and let it fly. Hitting AC. Oh no. Yeah. You let your hand axe fly and the Baron just watches it as it flies by her.

What a waste of everything. All right. Listen, guys, let's just call it. I mean, we're all doing terrible today. I think this isn't going anywhere. This episode's not bad. Yeah. All right. I end my turn in shame. In shame. In shame. Man, Gunther, we're all there. I mean, it's been one of those episodes. All right. Well, it's the Baron's turn. What's she gonna do?

Flee. Yeah, she's so terrified by all the missing. By all the missing. Are missing. She's going to... Oh, actually, I've got an idea here that you all will hate. Goody. She's going to lumber forward and she advances on Tolv. Yoo-hoo. She lumbers forward and pulls out a giant axe and takes a swing at Tolv.

Oh, and she's large, so she doesn't have to get the full five feet close to you. She attacks from 10 feet away. And she takes a swing with this axe, which is a plus seven to hit at total. You roll like a two, maybe a three. I rolled a nine, which is a 16. Does that hit? Oh my God, I made it. I'm alive. Yeah, I'm a 17 AC. Good. Wow. I might equip my shield after this. All right, well...

Man, I wish that had hit. It's okay. She's going to try one more. She gets two attacks. She's going to try to take a second. Okay, good. They're your turn. Go on. Step up.

I'm done. No, no. It's you, Toad. You're the barbarian. This is what you signed up for. That's a 17, which is a 24. Yeah. Great job. You did it. Finally, let's get some good damage here. All right. I'm going to do some slashing damage. That is eight points of slashing damage. Okay, but I'm raging. So you take four. Yeah. I'll take it this time.

And, you know, it's funny you mentioned Gunther because her attack continues through you. Whoops. And continues on to Gunther. What is this, Looney Tunes? Did it just chop me in half and then went through me? Gunther, it hits AC 14. Misses. Happy for you. Do I need to roll that? Let me double check. Do I need to roll that? Or does it carry over from his? No, I have to roll again. Okay.

Well, I was really excited about that with the two attacks. I thought I was going to be able to hit both of you four times instead of hit one of you once. That's cool, though. It's really one of those episodes. Yeah. Yeah. And yeah, that's it.

Payback for the insanely high AC of one of these gardeners. She bangs the hilt of her axe onto the ground and yells. Down with the patriarchy. Maddie goes, here, here. What are we fighting for?

Did she actually say that though? Like, is that like a piece of lore? Okay. There's two of the flying devils turns and then it's Natty's turn. These two flying devils are going to circle at Gunther. Gunther, make me two constitution saving throws. Okay. Oh, shoot. I forgot to use my help on my attack. Shoot. Oh, I forgot about that too. Oh, well. Gotta remember to use your stuff. Yeah. Private parts crying. That's a 20, Nat 20 for 25.

And the other one was a 10. Can I use my help on this saving throw?

Creature you aid gains advantage on the next ability check it makes to perform a task you are helping with. So it's not even an attack, it's an ability check. Okay, so a 25 and a 10. Yeah. Yay! One of them's a failure! Wee! I was saying yay. All right, so one of them you're able to shrug off, but the other one kind of hurts, and you take one point of piercing damage, and it feels like your arm burns where you took the bite.

Do I have like an active condition on that? Yeah, metagame wise, you're just vulnerable to fire. Again.

And just for clarity... Can't escape the fire. Help can be used on an attack roll. We got rule clarification here. So it's either ability check or attack roll. Okay, Natty, you're up. Then some flying devils, then Hana. When you got excited about landing an attack, you reminded me, Gus, I watched this movie recently called The Last Voyage of the Demeter. It's kind of a pretty poorly made Dracula movie. They managed to turn Dracula trapped on a boat with pirates into...

takes like two hours of a movie for Dracula to kill them all. And while I was watching the movie, I was just like, kill somebody, kill somebody. Something like you're rooting for Dracula at that point. I'm like, just do something. That sounded like you. Cause I was there with you when you did the, when you actually landed their role. I was like, yes, something happened. Yeah.

Natty's going to kind of pull up her britches a little bit and turn her gaze right at Hana. And go, hey, Hana. That's all you wanted to say? Yeah. And cast Hex on Hana.

So I can get some little extra damage. And I guess disadvantage on dexterity checks. Okay. I don't know. We'll see. I made a note. Haven't really found a lot of success with that part of hex yet. But then I'm going to do a classic, an Eldritch Blast. Classic. Uh-huh. Classic, classic. Which is 18 plus five is 23. 23 to hit? Yeah, that hits. Yay. Something happened. Pee-pee-pee. Finally.

We needed Natty. We just needed Natty. I'm going to roll that. Five plus three is the Eldritch Blast damage. Plus three for Agonizing Blast. Plus they get pushed back 10 feet. Plus they take a D6 of Necrotic, which is three damage. So that's 14 points of damage and pushed back 10 feet? Yeah. Is that...

added up quickly. Damage. Thank goodness something happened. Like that's the biggest hit we've had. Natty just starts doing a little Miss America wave to everybody. Hey everybody. Hey y'all. Okay yeah that's uh Hanna is looking worse for wear. I will say that. And it's now been pushed back 10 feet. Hanna and Grego are affronting up on Gambot right?

Yes. But he's so brave. Well, actually, Gambot was friending up on one of them. Well, Gigi was watching that intently because Gigi has seen Gambot as like a little friend and did not like when they were attacking Gambot, especially when Grego hit Gambot.

He just started growling a little bit. So Gigi's going to lunge towards Hana as well and help Mami. All right. Normally, I would like say that you should roll to see if Gigi's going to do that, but I totally buy that. I think Gigi would be good. Gigi's motivated. Right. There is motivation here. Like Gigi is angry about this. Yeah. I guess I'll just do... Does Hana look very wise?

That's an interesting question. Wise. How wise does Hunter look? Make a perception check? Sure. Or insight. Let's call it insight check. Yeah, from one to ten. How similar to a dog does Hunter look? Five check. Wise check. Seventeen plus two. Nineteen. You would say that Hunter appears to be of average wisdom.

But Hunna's looking like Hunna's might be dead soon. Worst for wear was your words? Yeah, worst for wear and probably the weakest of the major enemies that you see in front of you. Geeky's going to go for a claw. I was thinking about scaring Hunna, but I'm just going to go for a claw attack. She's the one that has the...

Pickaxe, right? Yeah. Correct. This is plus four to hit. Gigi rolls a 17 plus four is 21. That hits. So then Gigi does 1d4. That's a two plus three piercing damage. So that's five and must succeed on a DC 10 constitution saving throw or take some poisson damage. Hey guys, do you think that they're possessed and we should try to like

non-lethally take them down. So we'll throw that out there. Before you answer that question, I had a question of my own. Did you say it was five points of damage? Yeah. It's academic anyway because Hana falls to the ground. Oh, okay. Nevermind. Cool. Then get the pickaxe. Yeah.

Yeah. And Natty yells to Gigi, Gigi, grab that axe for mama. Mama wants it. Okay. On that, I'm going to say you should make a check to see if Gigi actually listens. I knew you would. All right. I'm going to roll my d20. And you have to say dad axe. Dad axe. That's very good. I'm surprised Gus has not given you inspiration dice for that. Yeah. I was about to say take an inspiration dice for that one. That's really good. Dang it. Gigi rolled a six. Gigi doesn't do it. Gigi instead starts protecting Gambok.

Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. That seems like good motivation. Gambot just goes... Gigi makes that sound too, but he's farting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those were mechanical noises, okay, guys? Well, often mechanical noises are the expulsion of some sort of gas from a hydraulic system. So it's very similar to our gastrointestinal movements. It's the GPR, Gambot Pressure Release. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Natty's frustrated, but very happy to see that her son found a friend. Yeah. All right. That's it for Natty and Gigi. It's a few of these flying demons turns. We'll have...

Two of them swarm Natty. Natty, make me two constitution saving throws. That's an eight. That ain't going to pass. That's a four. So two fails. You're welcome, Gus. There you go. Happy birthday. Yay. You take a whole two points of damage.

And the bites also feel like they're itchy and burning. And metagame, you're also vulnerable to fire. Okay. Okay. There's two more of those flying demons. Doug has been left unscathed. So the other two go to Doug. Doug makes two constitution saving throws. Barbara's eyes got really big as she started looking around. Two constitution saving throws. So are they physically attacking me?

- Yes, they're like bites. - 'Cause I also have something called shield, which is a reaction. - I have one of those too. - And I don't know if I could use it in this kind of sense, but. - So this normally works with most attacks. If like there's an attack roll or AC involved, this is kind of a special attack where it's just directly a save. - Okay. - So yeah, shield would not work with this. - Okay, I will hold onto it for further notice. Okay, so you said two constitution saving throws. - Yeah. - Oh God.

- Oh God. - And as you've seen, worst case scenario, you're gonna take two points of damage. - Yeah, oh my God, I did not roll well. An eight and a 12. - Okay, so one of them fails. So you take one point of damage and you're bitten and the source of the bite, it's like a really angry mosquito bite, kind of burns. And you're also vulnerable to fire damage.

All right. That is it. We're going to go back up to the top of the order. So, Doug, it's your turn. Then after Doug, two of the devils, then Tolv and private parts. How close am I to Tolv? Tolv ran up from where you were. So he's roughly, we say roughly 20, 25 feet because he ran towards that southwest obelisk. Okay. And if I run towards him, am I opening myself up for any attacks of opportunity from anything? No.

You've got two of these flying demons around you. They would potentially be able to attack you. Okay. I guess instead of doing that, I don't know if this is allowed. I have a hand axe. If I...

swing it in a kind of a swooping motion could i manage to hit both of the flying demons uh i'm gonna say normally i love yes anding i'm gonna say no because there's special abilities that allow you to do that kind of thing so i don't want to give you that without you having those i know sweeping attack like what the baron just did i know right exactly with the bear okay i'm i'll just use my hand axe to swipe at one of them then okay

18. That hits. Doing three points of slashing damage. Yeah, you slash at the flying demon and you cut its head off. Yay! Why? Okay. Gigi starts eyeing that head as a chew toy. Gigi loves skulls. I'm so glad. These are small. They're like Gigi sized. Yeah. And that's all I could do for myself. He's teething right now.

But then I think Gambot is going to jump up and try to do his little melee weapon attack on the other demon, if he's close enough. Gambot ran up and is currently threatening Grego. Then he's going to get Grego. Yeah. Little weapon attack here. Nice. That's a 23. That hits. Cool. That will be...

six points of force damage on Grego. - What is that kind of attack? Is it like his head extends pneumatically and smashes into Grego? - I imagine he has like a spring-loaded head.

Like right into his chin, probably. Ooh. Making him fly backwards. Like a piston. Yeah. Very, very devastating attack. It's like an uppercut, like coming just up from under, hitting the bottom of the chin. Ooh, yeah. Grego gets hit in the chin by the spring-loaded gambot head, and you see three little birds appear around Grego's head, tweeting in a circle. It should be like three little winged demons.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Three little winged demons and three stars. Excellent move, Gambot, just as I programmed you. Gigi's eyes are wide like an anime girl as he watches Gambot. Once Gambot lands back on the ground after his blow, he looks over to Gigi and does the equivalent of if he had a top hat on and went, m'lady. A little head tilt. A little head tilt.

I feel like if his head is spring-loaded, it would kind of wobble down a little bit, kind of like tipping a hat. Yeah. I love it. If there was text that accompanied this game, it would just say, "Geeky will remember that." All right, is that it? Yep.

All right. It's two of these winged demons turns. I got one of them, right? You got one by you. There's 10 total. Oh, jeez. Oh, my goodness. Never mind. Yeah, there's still nine left. These two are going to go after Toll. So Toll, make me two constitution saving throws. Okay. Gee whiz. That's a...

18 and a 17. All right. Yeah, those are both successes. You swat at them. They're just annoying you. Sorry, boys. Next time. Next time. And it's your turn. Then I have to use private parts. Then some demons and Greg. Okey dokey. All right. So I was already making some progress to that southwest obelisk. Yeah, I'm going to finish the distance, which I imagine I have enough even with the slowed down thing because they have 30 feet of movement.

Yeah, it's about 10 feet away or so. So even, you know, it takes double. So it takes 20 feet of your movement where you're able to reach the Southwest obelisk. Okay. So I lumber up to the obelisk. I square up to it. Actually... Did someone pull out the sandstorm thing? No. This sling is full of sandstorm. Yeah, I'm going to take a two-handed attack with this. I haven't equipped my shield. So I'm going to roll for that with my Warhammer. Warhammer.

17. That hits. Okay, here's my damage. And I do want to clarify, just for anyone who may be listening, just so they don't say that you didn't have an attack of opportunity taken on you, I specified the Baron was 10 feet away. Oh, actually, yeah, the Baron is 10 feet away and her reach is 10. Why do we got to do this? You can take an attack of opportunity on you on that. Why are we doing this, guys? Why do we have to do this?

so if you want to move i'll have her take the attack of opportunity if you don't want to move i'll retcon it and say you didn't move take the attack you got this big strong toll you're a tank big strong raging toll this does change things the attack of opportunity would it hit us both potentially so that ability that allows the baron to hit two targets is a special ability so it has to be on one of her attacks

-Not just like a attack of opportunity is just a reaction. So it's just like a knee jerk one swing that she would not be able to cleave. -Then I'm going to equip my shield and still make my movement towards the obelisk opening myself up to an attack of opportunity. -Understood. I think that's a good move personally. -Oh, council of barbarians is a new member. -Jerry is still out. -She realized you went to Elio mode, sorry.

She popped her head back in the hole. Are y'all playing without me? Can't get what we're playing. Gus is shoving us out. Yeah, Gunther, I mean, not Gunther. Gum has not played in a while. He's like desperate to come out and play. I rolled a nat 20. Yeah, that's great. Good, good. Fantastic. Which

which is a hit. That means I will roll. She takes a huge swing and does 17 points of damage. -Havoc! -Slashing damage. So you take half, so you take eight. And as she strikes you, Toll, she yells, "What do you know of the Pathfinder?"

Just leave me alone, lady! I just want to blow up this obelisk! Golly! I'm like so down to take down the patriarchy you don't even know. We probably have so much common ground, but you came out here with your hacks and your gardeners. I don't even know if this is going to work. I feel so stupid. I'm taking all the damage. That's what you're supposed to do as a barbarian. This is what you're supposed to do? Yeah, you are the meat shield. I don't like it, okay? Welcome to the castle. Yeah.

All right. So you take the damage, but you keep moving because Tolv is so mighty and you approach the southwest obelisk and you take your attack and we'll use the roll that you had, which was a hit. I have to correct myself, though. I need to reroll damage because now it's one-handed because I have my shield equipped because I was going to get into my pickle packs. Roll that damage. Great. It's worse. Eight. Eight.

Eight points of damage. Yeah, the obelisk begins splintering and it seems like eldritch energies are like flying off of it. Okay, I'm going to finish the fight on this stupid thing and use my bonus action, which

which is my storm aura. So I'm going to use that, which is, you know, a 10 feet aura effect when you start your rage and bonus action as it returns. You activate one creature of your choice and your aura takes lightning damage. So that's a 1d6. Are you doing it on the Baron or the Obelisk? The stupid Obelisk that's done nothing to me that I don't even know if it's going to blow up or not.

I feel like Tolb should get angry like this more often. It's really funny. - I am raging, so skin character. - So two points of damage? - Two points of damage. - Yeah, the obelisk explodes into splinters and energy, and it seems to fly everywhere, and you no longer feel encumbered and slow. - We won the fight, everybody! We did it!

The fight against gravity. I have 10 feet of movement remaining. May I take it? Correct. Yeah, correct. Yeah. Okay. Then I'm going to go up to Pi-A-La mode, and I recognize that I am dipping into extra, extra bonus action gum-gum time. So if I can shake her or give her a nudge awake or something, great. If not, I understand. You can do free action of talking. Oh.

- Aela Mode, would you wake up? I have taken so much damage and I am hurting so bad right now, you don't even know. - So you walk up to her and using your remaining 10 feet and try to like rouse her with your voice. - I'm gonna put her in between me and the Baron, in fact, because I don't want to take more damage. This barbarian shtick is so difficult. - As you begin approaching the unmoving Pi Aela Mode, once again, you begin slowing down and get slower and slower.

What did I do to you? You're not able to get all the way there. Is it something I said? Was it something I did? You look around and you see three of the other obelisks are still glowing with runes spinning around them. And you notice that a piece of the armor on the Baron is no longer glowing either, like it was before. Oh. Something, I guess.

Okay. So you can yell at Pi Aelamode, but you're not able to get all the way there. Okay. Pi! Wake up! Pi! If I was walking distance of you, I would shake you awake. She doesn't lift her head or move, but you hear a muffled voice say, I can't move. So you did help. Is it the obelisks? It might be like the gravitational effect that you guys were feeling like really intense by where she is. Yeah.

Okay. Okay, I'm working on it! And then I go back to the team. Guys, I'm like, these obelisks have like armor... something effects on the Baron. So like, if you want, I can try to take all of them down, but this is a very slow process.

You're doing great, you're doing great, Tov. Keep at it. It doesn't feel like it. I feel, like, bad, in fact. Progress is progress, even if it's just one little step. Okay, I am rallied.

I'm so in love with this chapter of Tolv. This is so good. He's got to come to grips with the fact that he's a damaged sponge. I love Blaine's frustrated Tolv voice. It's the best. I love the more high-pitching it gets. Yeah, it's...

I'm raging, okay? Excuse me. It's so good. It's so good. Is that it for you, Tolv, or is there anything else? I have nothing else to contribute to this. I give Tolv my turn. Tolv can have my turn.

Is that something you're allowed to do? No. No. No, no. Closest thing is what Private Parts is doing, which is help. Yeah. Yeah, I don't think I have anything else. I'm just going to brace for the next attack from the Baron that will surely knock me in my butt. All right, well, it's not the Baron's turn yet. It's Private Parts who tried to help Gunther and watched him fly off into the distance. So Private Parts will turn to Natty and say, well, I guess Gunther doesn't want my help, so I'll cover you. I'll help you. Okay.

So now you're the recipient of the help action, Maddie. All right, I'll take the high notes. You take the low notes, okay? Yeah, sounds good. And then after he says that, Private Parts looks down at his notebook and begins scribbling furiously. You're taking notes while we're doing this? What are you doing? That's my job. They sent me here to evaluate your combat effectiveness. How are we doing so far?

Uh, um, we don't have the final tally yet. Is this all a simulation, Private Pulse? Oh, definitely not. Is the Baron actually Steel Eye? Is it you? We knew Steel Eye was against the patriarchy from the beginning. He seems like it, yeah.

All right. Borosai, that was total private parts. That's a couple of the flying devils. These two are around Gunther. Gunther, make two constitution saving throws. Yeah. Okay. Gunther, Giggy, Gambot. We have all Gs. Oh, yeah. Grego. Grego. All right. I failed both of those. Nine and seven. Hit me. All right.

And you all don't know this, but the demons are called Grilps. My whole initiative is just filled with Gs over here. Oh, my God. And your name is Gus. And I'm Gus. Yeah, woo. Yeah, you take two points of damage from the bites, Gunther, and you're still vulnerable to fire. All right. You need to get some off or something. I do. Burn a citronella candle. Yeah. Oh, I have a tongue. Yeah.

That's them. It's Grego's turn. Grego just got uppercutted by Gambot and Giggies in front of him as well. I think he's going to bring that Warpick down again on Gambot. Try to return the favor here. How dare you. Warpick is plus four. That's an 11. That's a 15. That's equal to it. So I guess that's a hit. Yeah, that hit.

Yeah, that hits. The Warpick comes down, hitting Gambot, doing some piercing damage. That's seven points of piercing damage, right, on Gambot's little head. Seven. Oof. That's nice. I could just put something in the chat. He said, meets it, beats it. That's like a good little mnemonic device. Yep. So Gambot's still up? Yeah. Oh, curses. All right. Gambot's got 21 HP, for what it's worth. Go Gambot! Gambot's almost as sturdy as Natty. Ha ha ha!

I mean, it is made of steel, so, you know. All right, that's it for Grego's turn. That means it's Gunther, then after Gunther is the Baron, then some devils, then Natty. Okay. Gunther, you're no longer slowed down. You have your normal movement. And how far is the next nearest obelisk?

From where you are. The next nearest one is either the one north of you or the one east of you. Oh, and you weren't all the way there. The one to the north is about 35 feet north. And then the one to the east is about 35 feet kind of east. All right.

I don't ride a ride. What's she going to do, Gunto? Hmm. I can't get through. But where's... What's the... The Baron? The Baron. She's within... She's like 10 feet away, right? She's about 10 feet away from you. Yeah. And there's two bugs on me? You're correct. Demons, but yeah.

In Gunther's mind, I think they're like mosquitoes, right? They're like bugs flying around. I do like the idea of us calling demons bugs. All right. I want to run past the bugs. I don't know if they take attacks of opportunity. They do. Yeah. So roll two concentration save throws. 12 and a 20. Those are fine. You take no damage. Yay.

And I'll pass by the Baron, correct? Yes. And the Baron would get an attack of opportunity as well. Except for they've already used their attack of opportunity. Oh, you're right. Look at that. Their reaction's done. Look at you. So I want to go ahead and attack. Before you attack, I'm going to ask you to do something for me, Gunther. I want you to make me a perception check.

13. Not bad. Yeah. As you're, you know, running by, you know, evading the demons, aka bugs, and running by the Baron, something on the obelisk catches your eye. You look around and you notice you can read what's on all of them. Oh, I can. I speak under a comment. Ha ha ha ha ha.

- Did you not check that? - No, I forgot. - I've been waiting to see if he remembered that he could read under common. - I even asked, I even like clarified. Oh my God. - I feel like whenever you mention a language, the first instinct that I have is let me look at my languages. Do I know it? No.

Idiot. The runes come into focus and you realize that they all say lumbering and cumbering. Lumbering and cumbering. I say aloud. Is what the runes say. There is lumber down here. Maybe there's something we need to do with the lumber. Yeah.

And the obelisks are wooden. That for sure is the stock market ticker. The down Jones was down. Lumbering and cumbering. And yeah, where's the lumber in relation to us? What's the deal with it? There's just piles of lumber scattered all around the southern end of the room where you all, well, I guess fell into. I was going to say entered. Dang, I wish it was my turn.

I feel like it's just that's like the spell that's on the obelisks lumber things is that they encumber us. All right. Well, I'm going to go ahead and I'll stab at the Baron. Oh, OK. While I'm passing by. And I don't know if I can try and aim for it. I guess it doesn't really matter. Aim for the spot where the armor wasn't illuminated. Yeah. Let's just see how the rolls go and we'll figure that out.

That's 10. To hit? No, that's a miss. But do you have that inspiration die right? Right? No, but I do have... Action surge. Is that how Gunther says it? Action surge. It's very different from Kyborg. This pleases the council of fighters. The one other one. All right, that next one is 23. Oh, that does hit. All right.

So that's nine damage. Okay. And what kind of damage is that? Uh, it's going to be piercing. Okay. Nine points of piercing damage on the Baron. I want to make a menacing attack. When I hit with a weapon attack, you expend one spirit already died to add the total to the damage roll and the target must make a wisdom saving throw on failure. It is frightened of you until the end of your next turn. Oh, interesting. So, uh,

DC 14 wisdom saving throw and I get to add a superiority die to the damage. Okay, you said DC 14? Mm-hmm. Wisdom. Boo. I'm rolling then I'm gonna look up the modifier. Oh, I rolled a 14. So that's a success. Oh, let me make sure it's not a negative modifier. I don't think it is but let me just verify. Is... No, wisdom is plus 3. 17. Okay, so it's not scared of me. Yeah. Well, it still gets extra damage. All right. What is that extra damage? 7.

Is that the most damage we've seen from a single attack? 16 points? Probably so far today. That's pretty good. My god, he's the one. He's fighting.

Yeah, your attack lands and you poke the Baron who laughs and says, You think I would be afraid of a little amphibious fool? You know what they say. Don't poke the Baron. That's good. That's very good. That's a good one. Take an inspiration die. That's good. Oh, good. Okay, I'll take it. I want to use the rest of my turn to move towards the nearest...

obelisk. Whichever one Tolv isn't going towards. Well, Tolv went towards the middle, towards Pai de Lameau. Okay, then I'll move to wherever the closest one is.

on us. It's either north or east. You pick. North! Okay. Gunther begins continuing, or continues north towards that obelisk. See, you would move another 15 feet. It was 35 feet away. Yeah, so you're getting, like, right to the boundary where it begins to start. You know where, like, it would begin to start slowing, and you're right at that boundary. Okay. 2D...

Flat boundary. The floor is lava. What if we incorporated the Z-axis, Gus? How would you feel about that? Fancy. And I shall end my turn. That's it for Gunther. It's the Baron's turn. Okay, the Baron sees Troll going to Pai'ala mode. Gunther has gone by to the north. Gambot's over there. Natty and Private Parts are to the south. You know when a dog is like...

definitely in trouble and they just kind of side-eye you because they don't want to see what you're doing but they don't want to attract your attention. That's what Tolv is doing right now to the Baron. He's just kind of looking away but eyeing the Baron. Eyeing the Baron. I know what the Baron will do. The Baron picks up the broken obelisk that's fallen over, the one that's to the southwest, picks it up and hurls it to the north trying to hit both Tolv and Gunther with it. Fantastic. Great. Both of you make dexterity saving throws.

- Run. - I have advantage on dexterity. So that was a 15. - The barbarian. - 23. - And a one. - Oh God. - A 15 and a 23 then? - Yeah.

Alright, yeah, you both succeeded. Oh, thank god. You both duck out of the way and the broken obelisk flies over your heads, where your heads would have been, and crashes to the north end of the room. Thank god, Guta, we almost died, dude! Did you see them lob that obelisk at us? It was fast. It was very fast! It was very lethal!

Once again, she raises and slams her fists on the ground and the obelisks all discharge a wave of force. Gunther and Toll, yeah, just you two, make dexterity saving throws again. Oh, advantage on dexterity. 15. That's a 15. And...

- A 16. - Those are both successes. - Oh. - All right. - You hate to see it. - There's a wave of force, like an invisible wave of force radiates out from all of the obelisks and, you know, goes through your body and over you, but you brace yourselves and hold fast on the ground, unmoving, and you know, you're kind of shoved around a little bit, but you manage to stand your ground. - I have my sea legs. - I guess, yeah, that helps.

Man, those were both two really good attacks and you all saved. Welcome to my world. I'm sorry. All right. I mean, that's all she can do. You did your best. You did your... You destroyed your hardest. That's what counts. She looks at you, Tolv, and says, You will tell me your secrets.

You surface dwellers are all the same. We're a very diverse group, in fact. I don't think that that's true at all. I sometimes do not surface dwell. And you never tell secrets. You have too many. Do not surface dwell. It's two of the flying demons turns. These two went after Natty. Natty, you make two saves. 17 is my first roll and seven is my second. All right, so you fail on one of them. You take one point of damage and itchies out, burns. Okay.

You should go to your doctor. Yeah.

Natty, it's your turn. How far is Natty from the smoky pickaxe? That was on Hana. Her body's up where Gambot and Gigi are. It's not too far from you. 10, 15 feet maybe? Not far at all. Grego is still fronting up on Gambot. Just smashed him. Grego has taken much damage, little damage, no damage. Grego's taken a decent amount of damage, but Grego still looks healthy.

Not in the danger of falling over immediately, but definitely bloodied. Okay. Can I have Gigi go? Yeah, why not? All right. Natty yells out, Gigi!

And Gigi goes for a bite on Gregor. Real fast, before you roll that, and again, I'm trying to yes and Gigi, do you think Gigi would be conflicted at all here because Gambot tipped his hat at him? Like, is Gigi inspired? Maybe going to want to smooch Gambot instead of attacking? No, Gigi doesn't think of Gambot that way. Gigi's like, this is Buddy. This is a little pal. He wants to go on adventures with Gambot. He wants to make pillow

pillow forts and climb trees. That's what he wants. And they could definitely do that because Gamma could launch Gigi up using his springboard head. Whoa. That's all the mathematical equations going on in Gigi's head, but they're all like wrong math and like scribbles.

There's emojis thrown in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's definitely like some poop emojis and that kind of thing up there. Okay, Gigi does a bite. Gigi rolls a 16 plus 4, so 20. Dirty 20. That hits. And Gigi does, what is that? A D4 plus 3. That's a 3 plus 3 is 6.

And then give me that DC 10 constitution saving throw. So six damage, and then give me a con. From the inventors of bat comes bite. New shirt line coming out soon. Bite. It's spelled the same way, though. Just said bite. Constitution, I have a plus two on this. And roll a seven. I rolled a three. How's that? Yay!

You are poisoned. Oh, and you take some poison damage too. 2d4. That's a two. That's a two. So four. Yeah, Grego begins coughing. Yeah, nine damage and poison. Still alive. Cool. Micah says that the Gigigambot team up is Gigam.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my favorite pattern. I keep forgetting to say this on the proper podcast. I want to be very clear. Gigi is spelled G-I-G-G-Y. I see a lot of people going G-I-G-I. Gigi spells it. Good to know. Yeah. We don't spell out very much stuff here. So I'm with some people and that's always confusing. So I'm helping. I'm helping. Very true. Okay. Natty runs up and grabs that pickaxe. Yes.

Okay. Yeah. You run up and grab it. What kind of cool armor transforms onto me and turns me into like a really cool looking like gladiator. You are Iron Man now. Yeah. You pick it up and you see it's a bloodstone pickaxe that's just wafting with smoke.

And just as a reminder, in the last episode, you saw Hana use this and when she activated it, the head transformed into like a dragon-wormling head and exhaled like a breath weapon. Oh, cool.

Does Natty feel like when she picks up the pickaxe, she can tap into that same kind of abilities? Sure, yeah. Why not? She's smart. She's very smart. Yeah. Not Doug smart. More like your grandma who's been around for forever and can do a million things smart. Well, not a lot of people are Doug smart. I would agree. I would agree. I would never impede upon your hold on that area. Okay. Okay.

Would I be able to do that attack in a way that would catch more than Grego in the crossfire? Perhaps a demon or petrified wood or barren? Yeah, let me just verify the range on that. Maybe a gunther? No. No. It's a 15-foot cone that it operates in.

So from where you are, if you went up and grabbed it where Hanna died, Hanna died, you could definitely hit Grego and the Southeast obelisk. Cool. Then I shall do that. But first, a bonus action. Grego's looking pretty bad, right? Yeah, not great. He's not just about to fall over, but it's going to happen soon. Let's hex him. I like to hex people. I hex that guy. I hex people.

Ahex. Ahex. Yes, that's what Natty says. Thank you. Ahex break loose.

Okay, and then take disadvantage on dexterity checks. That's fine. Yeah, I cast whatever the thing you described was, Gus. Okay, let me just put that status effect on Grego. All right, yeah, Natty picks up the axe. Is it called Puff the Magic Dragon spell? Yeah, and feels that arcane energy flowing in it and points it at Grego and the obelisk. And roll me a d6, Natty. I want to be very clear. Natty uses the pickaxe to strum her obelisk

Auto harp and then cats. Ooh la la. What was that roll again because I was making a dumb joke? Just roll a D6. D6. An important joke, a vital joke. They can be dumb and important. That's very true. Yeah, look at Chris.

Two. Yeah, I love that Chris was the first to laugh at that and was the loudest to laugh at it. What I thought about when I said that was my teenager children. Which you often compare me to. There are a lot of comparisons. You point the weapon at Grego and the obelisk and you activate the arcane energies and the

head transforms into a wormling head and a blast of stormy wind flies out oh i did it in the wrong direction oh oh no oh no yeah oh natty goes i did it and then annie goes i did it instead of flying out where you're pointing it the breath is focused to the north like left of where you were trying to aim it luckily for you no one's standing there at the moment

So it just kind of goes out into the area like where Tolv had been and where the other obelisk was, but there's no one there at this point. Oh, okay. Now he just does nothing and goes, okay. Okay.

And Natty turns to Gregor and goes, now if you don't surrender, that's going to happen to you. Sit down. That's an interesting point. We have a mechanic that we've been toying around with that we're going to try here. What's their name? He's going to make a morale check.

Oh. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We did that before. Yeah. I know we've done reality checks. I don't know. Have we done a morale check? We did a morale check. Someone decided to flee, to run. Yeah. Because we killed their buddies. Oh. Right.

So I'm going to roll a 2d6. I'm going to roll this as Tolv because I can't roll it as DM. So you're going to see this roll come from Tolv. Fail, fail. Six. He sees, you know, he hears the threat from Natty and sees that dragon breath. And he looks like he's shaken. He begins trying to withdraw. That's right. Does that provoke an attack of opportunity by Gambot and the two of us?

It does. Oh my god. Alright. So it's Gambot and Gigi both, I believe. I'm not up on him. Oh yeah, you are there too because you got the axe. Yeah, the pickaxe. Yeah. Okay. Maddie goes, gentlemen first, and lets Gambot and Gigi go. Okay. Gigi's farting. Yeah, that was Gambot.

Would it just be like a typical melee weapon attack? Yeah, normal attack. That would be a 12. Ooh, that does not hit. All right, I'm going to roll for Mr. Gigglesworth. Mr. Gigglesworth.

12 plus. He doesn't really have an unarmed strike modifier. He does his bite. Would that be what it is? Yeah. Okay. 16. That's the number you need. That hits. Oh, cool. Nice. Gigi rolls for damage with a D4. Three plus three. That's six. Six points of damage. What does poison do again? Disadvantage? I think it gives him disadvantage on some of his attacks. Oh, okay. Not on attacks on them.

No. I always forget what it is. I think it's disadvantage on attacks and ability checks, if I recall properly. Okay, cool. Then, yeah, takes that damage. All right. Then, Natty, you also get to attack. For sure. And he does just an unarmed strike. Yeah, unless you have like a melee weapon. Natty doesn't carry a weapon. Oh, you could swing. You're carrying that pickaxe that you picked up. Oh, cool. What does that do? Okay, I'm just going to roll a d20, and you do what you got to do. 19 is what I rolled. All right.

Do you still have health? Yes. You probably won't beat a 19, but you have advantage. Yes. Roll it anyway just to see if it's a crit. I rolled a 19 again. Oh. I can only remember other people's helps.

All right, yeah, you swing with the war pick, hitting Grego, doing 1d8 points of damage. Four. That's exactly what he had left. Yeah, so as Grego turns to run away, you hit him in the back with his friend's war pick, and he falls to the ground, unmoving. And then he goes, say hi to my wife, and then kicks him off the ice. Yes.

I forgot about that. All right. Well, that's Grego's turn. R.I.P. Wait, that was not Grego's turn. That was Natty's turn. That was Natty's turn. Yeah. All right. So then it's one of the demons that was circling Doug attack. So Doug make a constitution saving throw. It's the only one remaining around you. 20. Whoa. All right. Yeah, you succeed. Yeah, that's right. You're not going to mess with Doug this time, brother. Okay.

That's what they say. It's Doug Hogan, everyone. Well, you guys are wiping out the gardeners and the demons. Holt was just watching from near Anopolis. Just being stupid. Why did I do this? So dumb. So bored. Baron's kicking my butt and I'm just fighting wood. All part of being a barbarian. It's just Natty and the kids.

And Doug. No, I mean like, because I'm with like Gambot and Geeky back where I am. You know when you're a kid and you look out the window and like the neighborhood kids would be playing without you and you'd just be like longingly staring. That's what Tolb's doing right now. Doing your homework. I picture the episode of The Simpsons where Bart breaks his leg and he's watching everyone have a pool party from outside his window. Yeah. Your epidermis is showing.

All right, we're back at the top of the initiative order with that. And the Baron says...

I will get my answers. And she very quickly flies over and grabs Private Parts, who's been kind of left alone at this point. And she flies down into one of the holes that was there at the southern end of the room. With Private Parts? With Private Parts in tow. Imagine she picks him up from like the scruff of his neck. Yeah. Yeah, he goes limp. He can't move.

And as she does so, you all start to hear a noise from above, almost like a cacophony of voices yelling. Like, are they applauding? No, they seem angry. I told you they were lying. They're down there. Oh, the loggers. Or wait, not the loggers, the people of the... Hold up, I know where they're from. The rules of... Yep. That's exactly it. Why are they here? We're going to get those Mortallian people, and they're going to pay for what they did. Oh, my God.

Can't you see what we were doing? We were fighting this demon. Look, there's like lumber all around us. You can have it. You can have it. Find out if the party's able to reason with the mob and if they're able to get private parts back. Because if they don't, that's going to be a bad grade with Sergeant Steelye. Oh, no. We lost your soldier. Sorry, dude. Yeah. Find out what happens on the next episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon. I hate escort missions. Yeah.

Oops. Have you seen the Kyborg U2s plushie? That's right. You can get everyone's favorite empty-headed archer now in plushie form by U2s. Head over to kyborg.u2s.com to check it out. Pre-orders go live February 4th, probably right around the time you're listening to that. Again, that's kyborg.u2s.com. K-Y-B-O-R-G dot Y-O-U-T-O-O-Z dot com. They're only available for a limited time.

Check it out ASAP and get one while you can. New episodes of Tales from the Stinky Dragon premiere every other Wednesday wherever you stream podcasts and on the Stinky Dragon YouTube channel. Want to listen to the show 48 hours early and ad-free? Become a patron at stinkydragonpod.com or become a member of Beacon at beacon.tv. Both memberships support the show and receive access to our exclusive bonus series, Second Wind, and a member-only Discord for their respective platform. Become a patron and get access to even more exclusive bonus content, the Stinky Dragon community, Discord events, and

Get your name shouted out. Just like: One of those is probably right.

These patrons directly support the show and get ad-free episodes, access to our patron-only Discord server, bonus content like Second Wind, behind the screen, and more. Here's a quick peek at our latest behind the screen episode, The Council of Barbarians. Elgo was just like such a standout character and then just maintained. At first, I was going to play a big beefy lady. Was a very classic barbarian looking character, like with the helmet and the braids and stuff like that. And I

I wanted her to be like giant and also for her name to be Helga, but she was going to talk like this and her name going to be Elga. And like, she say it like Elga because it's Helga, but for her accent. And then I was like, what if her name is just Elga, but it's a little girl instead, because that's unexpected. You pitched that. And I didn't want to influence your decision too much because,

But I was so clearly in love with Elga that we got over Helga. Not that Helga was bad, but I was like, I think just there's just more mileage out of little Elga, little girl. I think it also made the dynamic of the team fun for that. And I think that's what I've enjoyed so far about each of our barbarians is like,

They've always provided a good dynamic with the rest of the team, it seems like. That's where this whole running joke of the Council of Barbarians came from, was asking, what can Tolv learn from Gum-Gum and Elga? Tolv, have a seat. Your teacher, Elga, and Gum-Gum have arrived to instruct you on all how to be barbarians. This is my first class. Nice to meet you, Mrs. Elga.

Again, that's StingyDragonPod.com. We can't thank you enough for your support that lets us make this show. Listeners who interacted with us on the Stingy Dragon Discord had NPCs named after them this episode, like The Baron, named after Shield Maiden and voiced by Hannah McCarthy at HiHelloHannah, Greg Oliver, named after Oliver, Kyo Dai, named after Kyo Dai, and Pi A. Lamode, named after Andrew Lamont, voiced by Ashley McNew at

smashree on instagram additionally private parts is voiced by ben ernst at halcyon underscore ben and cob is voiced by cameron fletcher at cameron dot fletcher on instagram this week's arrow question was submitted by dedrick this episode of tales from the stinky dragon was produced by ben ernst written edited and composed by michael reisinger with additional editing work by katherine arnold tune in next time for another thrilling episode of tales from the stinky dragon

Alright, Doug time to shine. Doug's all alone in this room with maybe Ben listening in on the ones and twos. We're here, mid-episode. Not a lot has happened. We're pretty bad so far, guys. Things not looking good. Really failing here. Third campaign into Stinky Dragon. Really showing our true colors here, not being professional D&D players we once thought we were. And

And we'll see what happens when we return here on Tales from the Stinky Dragon. Oh, Private Parts always tunes in for fun, fun facts with Doug. I love this part of the podcast. Oh, hello, Private Parts. How are you feeling, you know, halfway through this battle here? Oh, I mean, things are kind of interesting. I really don't know what Gunther expected me to do in that fight because I kind of said I'm here to help. And then he kind of just ran in and didn't.

didn't communicate at all what he wanted me to do so uh classic gunther i'll get him on the next one if you or a friend has a gunther in your life feel free to call into the show at five five five five five five five five five five five

Doug, what are you doing? Oh, hello, Natty. Welcome to the show. Welcome to the mid-season show, mid-episode show here on Tales from the Stinky Dragon Radio with your host, Doug Boone. You got a show? Yeah, we're here with Natty, Wanda, and Private Ports here taking a mid-episode break. What are we playing today? What's on the ones and twos? Oh, just a lot of elevator music as we wait for us to finish this battle. Oh.

I feel like you, Doug, with your mechanical proclivities, would enjoy more like electronic music. Oh, typically I do. Typically I do. Doug is an artifice pumper. Oh, that's good. That's really good.