Some Regrets
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How are you? Most of us say fine or good, but obviously it's not always fine and sometimes it's not even that good. This is a podcast that gives people the space to be honest about how they really feel. It's a place to talk about life, the good, the bad, the awkward, the complicated. I'm Nora McInerney, and this is Thanks for Asking. If you could go back...

and do it over again, what would you do differently? I'm Nora McInerney. This is Thanks for Asking, the call-in show about what matters to you. And today's callers are talking about regrets, what they would do differently given the chance. Let's go.

We don't actually really get that chance. Not typically. Time travel is... It has really not taken off the way that we were led to believe that it would based on 80s movies. Instead, the time travel that I've been able to do is just ruminating, thinking about the past, thinking about the past again, having imaginary conversations about what I would say, how I would do it differently, and I know...

It's not just me. You can't see it right now, but I do have a tattoo on my arm that says some regrets because I don't really trust people who say no regrets. Like really? None? None? None at all? None? Really? None? No regrets? None? You sure? Okay. I mean, the tattoo is like a little bit of a joke, but also like an acknowledgement that mistakes were made. We are human. We're not always going to get it right. Let's get on the phone.

And let's chat. Hello. Hi, is this Cynthia? This is. Hi, Cynthia. It's Nora McInerney. Hi, Nora. How are you doing today? I'm good. I just got all my nasty coughs out. I flew on a plane. I didn't fly the plane, but I was flying on a plane. I got on that plane and I was like, I should have brought a mask. And I just knew. I was like, there's something disgusting in this plane. And it was the man across from me.

hacking into his hands were we all like I have children who know how to cough into their elbow

The adults, men coughing into their hands and then touching everything. He was touching. I was like, there's, I've never seen someone be so handsy with an airplane. Anything you can touch. He was like, I got to get my hands on it right after I coughed. I just knew I was like, I'm going down after this flight. And, uh, yeah, he, he, he gave it to me and wherever he is. Um, I, I,

I have nothing to say to this man. Okay. Wherever he is, he, he, he has no idea what he did. He does not care. I promise you, this is also a man who does not return his cart at a grocery store. I just know. Yes. Why is that so hard? I don't get it. I mean, and when people are like, maybe they're, maybe they're disabled and can't do it. I was like, everybody, every,

Everybody? I don't think so. Yeah, not this guy. Not this guy. Not this guy. Maybe occasionally. Sure. But no, the way I'm like, if you can push it up onto a sidewalk, but you can't bring it to the cart corral. Yes, sir. Put the cart away. Put the cart away. Put the cart away. You know, what's going on? Okay. Anyways, that's not what we're talking about today, Cynthia. We are talking about moments in life.

where you wish you would have done something different? What is this situation for you? I think for me, I had brought up to them that my ADHD held me back. And I really wish that I had known that. I wish I had known, but I went to school in the 90s and college in the early 2000s. And no one was thinking that

I got A's and B's and so they just let me go by. But I think about, I don't have a specific moment, but I used to think a lot. Like once I got diagnosed, I thought, oh, what if I did better in high school? And what if I got more scholarships and where would I have gone? What was life like?

Because I mean, it sounds very similar. Like I also ADHD didn't exist in girls in the 90s. Like you were just annoying. That's the diagnosis. They were like, sorry, you're just sorry. She's just a little chatty. She's just, you know, a little unfocused. And I was. She's a lot. She's a lot. And I got good grades. But it was like very, you know, you know, I was doing homework on the bus. I was also getting. Yeah.

zeroes on projects because I would just totally space. And then I would be, you know, I was just really good at going to a teacher and being like, okay, here's the thing. I didn't do it, but I really meant to, and I will do it. I will do it tomorrow. And I would do a

huge project in like one night because I procrastinated it. Yes. Yes. Thanks for asking is a podcast about life, about all kinds of things. We take listener calls, we read books, we do all kinds of stuff because life is complicated and so are people. You can get full episodes of thanks for asking on my sub stack, which is linked in the description. Like that's, I think that's it. So like I wanted to be a

I have a lovely family, but one of my family members that I'm really close to had said,

Like it's either you have it or you don't. So that was like the night before my SATs. I know, I know. And I was just like, oh, I guess you think I don't have it. So maybe I shouldn't go to school for photography and I would have gone someplace else. But the fact that I decided to go with fashion merchandising, I could not draw, but I, my brothers are in the fashion business. So like I wanted to, you know, I guess follow in the footsteps. So I,

I went for fashion merchandising and then photography just always found my, you know, found its way back to me. But if I didn't do that, I'm like, I think I wouldn't have found Kellen. And she was, she did, she did fashion merchandising, but she like, um, like we did some of those like, uh, freshman year classes together, but she's a designer and like getting along with her and then meeting this, like more like her friend, they were friends in high school, um,

And then I met him. And then a year later, we started dating because I was very shy with boys. And we've been together over 23 years. Oh, my gosh. And yeah. And like, I just think.

I am and I am happy where we're at. I mean, the world is on fire and everything is so scary. And then, you know, my kids are teens and preteens and they're super annoying. I love them. They're annoying, which they're supposed to be. They're supposed to be developmentally appropriately annoying. Yes, they are.

And I just, like, last night, we have a small bedroom, and I don't know why, they are all there, and we're all talking. And at one point, I, like, pinched my husband. I'm like, I just pinched Joel. He's like, stop it, that hurts. But I, like, I was pinching him. I'm like, what? Why are they wanting to hang out with us? Like, it's a snow day. Like, why aren't they, like, you know, why aren't they excited and watching TV downstairs and just eating snacks? And I just thought, like, this is what I want to talk about. Is that, like...

You know, I, I, like I could cry and I do cry about it because there's that grief about like that. I didn't know, you know, like you said, like I thought I was a loser and I didn't understand how people could just get their assignments done and they could do time management and all that stuff. And I'm like, I, I,

I love photography or I love, um, spending time with friends. Like, why is this so difficult for me? Why is college so hard and, or why is just adulting so hard? And, um, and I think like, yeah, I wish that I got better grades and I wish that

We had more money and I could have gone anywhere. And then I just look at my life right now. This is, this is it. Some days it's super boring, right? We're not doing anything. And it's just, it's,

All it is, it's just putting events on the calendar of this person has musical rehearsal and this one has band. This one has basketball. And I mean, once it hits two 30, it's like, boom, boom, boom. Let's go. Relay race. I'm going to get this. You're going to get this. We'll meet here. You take this one. I'll do this. Throw a snack in their mouth. At night. You're like, wait, wait.

Did you have homework? And they're always like, no. And you're like, oh, yeah, that feeling. And also, you know, our parents did not micromanage us. That was not a thing. I was telling my kid, I was like, it's actually super weird to me that I get emails that are like, oh, assignment was turned in. My parents didn't know if I was turning in assignments.

Like, are you kidding me? You know what I'm like? I'm like, I don't know if that's good for them. Who knows? But what you're saying is so beautiful, Cynthia. There's, you know, Danny Shapiro, beautiful author, novelist. She said like, you change one thing, everything changes. And when I think about it that way,

And I think about like, you know, the multiverse effect of things and like, oh, if I had, right, if I had had my full powers, right, in high school and I would have, you know, gotten higher than a... Honestly, my SAT score, like the math portion of it was so low that it was like the lowest you can get. Like it was, it was like a, it looked like, and my verbal was like so high that was like, is this...

Is half of her brain off? Because this can't be good. Like it was, it was bad, but like then, you know, yes, I could have gone to a more prestigious college and blah, blah, blah. But you know what? Then I would not be exactly where I am right now. And I have those moments too, where, you know, like they, and even when the kids are just driving each other crazy and therefore me crazy, and

And then all the dogs are barking. And then my husband says something to me, which for me, it stimulates just the worst part of my brain. And then I'm so angry because I'm like, how are you talking when all these other things are happening? He doesn't have ADHD. He does not have that same trigger. How? How? Like, I just think, how do you function? How is this not all driving you crazy? How? Then I think...

oh my God, this is like, this is the exact life I wanted, right? Like someday I'll be, you know, 75, God willing, and my house will be silent. And there won't be two kids wrestling each other on the couch with a dog barking, assuming that one is hurting the other and trying to alert me and the other dog barking because she's

can't see or hear anything, but heard, you know, was like, are we barking now? The sound of licking, the sound of Stacy giving herself a gynecological exam does something to my brain where I'm like, I love you so much. If you do that one more time, I will leave this whole family. You will never see me again. But I think this is really beautiful, Cynthia. I really love this

this, uh, that framing too, which is like, yeah. So you got here, like you got here, like, and, and here is not even like, it's not this, like, um, it, it feels, I mean, it is a luxury. I, I, I get that. I get that what my husband and I, and I have is really special. And I, it's just, it's not, you look at my life and it's just, it's,

Not anything that like is magazine worthy or Instagram post worthy. You know, I mean, they're typically Instagram post worthy. And we had a lot of, you know, we still are coping with grief and just a lot of death. And we do it.

You know, it's not easy because I process one way. And so it's just it's like just all these things. I'm trying to think of these other vocabulary words. I'm going to keep it simple. Just all of these things that are happening that blend together. And I think, isn't this this is it right? This is like what what more could I ask for? I mean, I could ask for.

It has for a lot of things, actually, like a Chanel bag. But yeah, this is a good life. Like it's a good life and it doesn't have to be. I don't know. I think more people do need to hear that, too. It's like that's a great life. It's like a person who loves you and that you can build a life with and still like after 20 some years and like kids who want to be around you.

That's nuts, right? Right? It's like, it's, that's, that is the dream. That is truly the absolute dream. Our oldest came home. He surprised us, Cynthia. He drove from LA. Oh.

to Phoenix to surprise us. I've never, I like, I, if there's ever a home intruder who, who kills me, my last words will just be like, that's it. Just that's how I reacted. And I truly was like, this is all I've ever wanted. I, all I've ever wanted was kids who were

love our family enough that they like want to come home. You like want to see us. I was just like shaking, like crying. He was like, okay, I just thought it'd be fun to see you guys and surprise my brother for his birthday. And I was like, you're a good boy. This is like, because I don't know. It's and that's not, you know, that's like not a big fancy thing, but like that is what matters. Like that's what matters.

I would love that. And, and then one of my kids said, he goes, but what if we, if we stay here and then you don't need to have room for us and our kids. And I want, like, that's what I want. And then I think I can't,

I have to let them write, do what they want to do and all that. But oh gosh, that would be the dream to have them. And that would be like, I guess that's the dream. I want my kids to go out and my parents let me

do all these things. And I want my kids to do that too. And I just hope that they know that I'm a soft place to land. Oh, that's beautiful. That's perfect. You are, you are, I can just tell. I'm so glad you called. I'm so glad we got to have this conversation and you are, uh, you are not alone. I've felt all of these, all of these things, especially about the, uh, the what if of it all, if, uh, only had been able to have a thought for more than,

you know, a minute and a half, uh, growing up or in college, but we made it and look where we got. It's beautiful. It's really beautiful. I appreciate that. Yeah. Thank you. Oh my Cynthia. Thank you. What a joy. And, uh, I'll talk to you soon. Now I have your phone number, so you'll never know. Just keep your phone on you at all times.

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Hello? Hi, Mackie. It's Nora McInerney. How's it going, Nora? I'm good. How's it going? Tell me everything.

Well, that's just not, you don't want to hear everything. It's not terrible things for asking anymore. It's not, it's not, it's not. But today we are calling, we're talking about things. If we could go back in time, what we would do differently.

Oh, man. I think not. Okay. So I'm not like a big, I have regrets person. Like I'm, and again, I'm also not a bright sider. Like, so I'm very much like,

Everything that has happened, I am the result of those things happening. And so there's like, it's not often that I'm like regrets, but I definitely find myself as I'm getting older and I was like,

diagnosed with ADHD in the summer and found out that I was misdiagnosed with borderline personality disorder early in my 20s. And so all of like these things that I thought about myself are, you know, different. And so I think for me, one of the bigger regrets is like I

I spent so long just like everyone else, like eyes on everyone else's paper. And I spent so long trying to exist in the world by observing how other people exist in the world only to realize like now I'm 31 and it's like, no, I just what works for me. And I think I spent so long turning that off and

And just not knowing how to listen to my body or my gut. And so I made a lot of like friends that weren't actually friends. And then I look back and I blame myself for like the fallouts and stuff. And like, I can look back and go, I'll take my accountability and like where I messed up, but I'm not just a garbage human who doesn't deserve care or friends. That's such good growth. I love hearing that.

Yeah. And so like, yeah, I've been in a spot like I'm not in the best spot lately, but I'm doing lots of like work to kind of exactly what you said, like the growth. And so I think for me, funnily enough, one of my biggest regrets is that a

So when I was 12, I my mom told me to come home from school for lunch. I did. We're you know, she shows me a picture and there's these four girls that look a lot like me. And I'm confused and I go, who's that? Are they cousins? I don't know about. And she goes, those are your sisters.

And I'm like, am I adopted? And she's like, no, you know, you came out of me. I'm like, well, what I know is pretty obviously not true right now. And found out that like my biological father wasn't my real father. And it was a really messy situation. So I understand your biological father and your mom were 19. Had you been raised to believe that somebody else was your father? Yes.

Meanwhile, your biological father had another family with more children who look a lot like you and you were not informed until you were how old?

12. So basically what happened, like my mom was with someone through high school and she, so basically the person I found with my biological father was actually incarcerated while I was growing up because of the like violence, the person after my mom. And so when my, when I was like, my mom basically like now has said, I knew like I, in my heart, I knew that it was like surge and I just was so scared.

And so I guess like when I, so it's so weird, Nora, like I saw your invisible string story and I'm like, I have too many of those. And this kind of is one where it's like, because so my mom, my biological father's name is Serge. He was a nurse in the room the day that I was delivered. You got to hold me the day that I was delivered? Yep. Yep.

And he still says that like, and so we, we didn't talk for a long time. We had falling out and periods. But he didn't know. Or he didn't know. He didn't know. And he's like, wow, a woman I had sex with is having a baby. I'm delivering this baby. This crazy. Yeah.

Wow. He's like, what a small world. Yes. And still, and they went to like, they had similar friend groups kind of thing. And so it was like smallish town. And so I think he always says like, it's like say he's most grateful for is that he has that. And so, you know, basically when I was four, my mom reached out to him and was like,

This is like I am. This is what I think has happened. Like I'm positive. And he's like, my wife is two weeks away from giving birth. Now it's not a good time.

Fair. Which, you know, like I get it. Yeah. And then eight years later or four years later, when I was eight, he called my mom and my mom's like, I just had a baby and I'm getting married. Now's not a good time. And so basically when I was 12 in 2006, seven, well, what's out then? Facebook. Facebook.

So they see pictures of each other on Facebook. It all comes together. They introduced me. He and I, like it, it was complicated. His wife, like they ended up splitting up. There's a lot of layers there, but the long and short of it is I had a relationship with him from 12 to 14. And then, um,

didn't talk to him again until I was almost 24. And I was so angry and I blamed like my mom and I blamed him. And I just, I look back and I have a lot of regrets because like, you know, now that I'm, I've gone through the ages, all of the ages that they've been. And I'm now at the age of when my mom would have told me that information. Yeah.

Yeah.

And I think for a long time, like it really just fundamentally shaped how I interacted with people. And I didn't let people in. And I just was a chameleon. Like when you talk about, you know,

like your personality is of who you were based on like who you're hanging out with. It always really hit me. And that actually was kind of one of those turning points for me of just like, why am I always looking outward? Like I'm not going to find the answers. And so I think like, yeah,

In the last few years, like I've gotten in touch with my biological father. I've like my mom before she moved away, like she I'm in Ontario. She moved to Nova Scotia a few years ago. And before she left, she's like, I want to take accountability. Like I didn't handle this well. None of us handled it well. We were all young and just like it was chaos. And so before I leave, I want you guys, we're going to go and sit and we're going to have a meal. And then if you never want to talk to him again, you don't have to.

but this is what I really want to do. And we, I almost said no. And then we did and it was weird and it was awkward and like, it's still very strange. And I've been realizing lately, I'm like, okay,

All of this kind of like, if I can go back, I would basically, I regret hardening because it took me a long, long time to find myself again. And those kinds of situations, like you can open yourself to the world or close. And I closed and then I had other hard things happen and that opened me and I realized I'm like, I missed everything.

that like would have actually been my people when I was too busy, you know, trying to get the other girls attention and just so much of like realizing that

How many of these things are kind of tied up? And so, you know, my husband and I were last talking last week and he's like, of course you studied doppelgangers. Like you never knew who you were. And then when you were 12, you were shown this picture of someone who kind of looks like you, but isn't you? Yeah. Like, and it all fits together. And so I think that was a little, that's a little excerpt from Thanks for Asking. If you want full episodes, audio and video, you can go to the link in our description.

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