30 Ways to Use Lava to Incorporate a Boyfriend Into Your Toilet with Trixie and Katya
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If we are going to do a soundboard, we should do you cock a duty. Yeah. Whores. Um, I love, I love that part in the, um, not the shining, the misery, misery, which is like talking about going to the weekly picture shows and it looks like he's going to die. And the next week he's not dead and she's pissed. And she's like, is everybody have amnesia? She's so mad. He never got out of the cock a duty car.

So good Annie Wilkes should be the continuity consultant on anything Absolutely So we gotta get Annie Wilkes cock-a-doodie We should get a Veronica Cartwright from Witches of Eastwick Whores Spanish flies And then also we should get Julia Roberts in My Best Friend's Wedding Fuck me Do you remember when she is introducing Rupert Everett as her He flew in real quick to Fuck me

Do you remember that? No. It's the perfect line reading. It's so great. It's very shocking.

Oh, because she's lying. And it's America's sweetheart. Oh, because she's pretending it's her boyfriend. Yes, and she's being so vulgar. Right. I think we should... I would also love something from Dr. Gorgeous. I would... There's so many good... I would love... You'd think they'd have the parking lot of America to go with the mile of America. Yeah. Catch it in your mouth, I'll give you a prize. Yeah, I could just give you a prize. Or you're cute. Ooh, you're cute. I would also love... I mean, we're not sticking to Allison Janney exclusively, but maybe some of her from I, Tonya. Oh, duh. I...

Lick my ass, Diane. She can do a triple. Lick my ass, Diane. She can do a fucking triple. What did she say? This is like not my words, but she says, you skated like a graceless bulldog. I was embarrassed for you. That's what her mom says to her. I think this show should have been called Graceless Bulldaggers. Yeah. You skated like a graceless bulldagger. I was...

Are we rolling? Yeah. Oh, thank God. Okay. So if you guys have any suggestions for our soundboard, you know what else? I mean, this is kind of a throwback, but have you ever seen the movie Deuce Bigelow Male Gigolo with Rob Schneider? No, I haven't. Okay. You know, he is dating women for money. He's a gigolo. He's trying to make money. And is that like a bizarro joke kind of thing? Well, he is...

house sitting for a gigolo. A hot professional gigolo. And he gets confused for one. And I think he accidentally kills this expensive fish and he's trying to like raise money to replace it or he's going to get killed. Right? Oh. So he starts...

The phone starts ringing and he starts going on dates with these women and they're like different women. One has like a sleep disorder. They're all like wacky gals. Wacky gals with quirks. And I'm not saying this is aged well, but whenever he's on a date with this really tall girl, they do one of those jokes where like they only show her from like the chest down. Oh my God. Because he's really short. Right. Totally. And always from like the back 40, you'll hear in the back of the scenes, that's a huge bitch.

Oh my God. And I think when you and I talk about our drag, we could use that. That's a huge bitch. Cause it has two things. When we talk about our shoulders, not fitting costumes or something. And when someone's being a huge bitch. Oh yeah. Double meanings, double entendres. So you can get a lot of use out of that. How about, um, Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, hold on. Go. You know, that news clip where the woman's like, we'll be back at five.

What the fuck are you doing? Because she doesn't know that they've cut. Yeah. They haven't cut. Or like Miley Cyrus. Let's get out of here. Yeah. They got to be short and snappy. There's one. I wish I could. What do you wish? There's certain things I wish you could say on camera and you can't. It's not that I actually. I love that actually.

Because you can't always get what you want. Somebody should write a song about that. No, no, no, no, no. It would be too easy. Too successful. Yeah. Anybody who writes a song called You Can't Always Get What You Want should die. No, they should be tortured first. Absolutely. Yeah. You can't. Well, we're here in the house. We're here in the house. And it's really salty because I went into the ocean today. You did? It was so hot here. I can't believe you. Did you know it was going to be warm? Did you plan ahead? No.

I didn't plan ahead at all. So what if it had been 60? I don't know. I would have fucked around and found out, but I went into a CVS on the way there because they didn't bring any towels and I paid $48 for a couple of very thin towels. When I swiped my credit card, I said, ouch. And eventually they were two-ply paper towel with like graphics of palm trees on them. They were printed out napkins. And then they dissolved on my body and did not dry me at all. So who'd you go with? Certain people, different people.

many people no i went with jason when we were the trainer so we um we went and they want to keep a low profile so you go with jason yes yes yes i probably strutted out yeah we were papped incessantly the whole time well we both wore speedos and he's into nude beaches i'm not trying to out him or whatever but um he's into nude beaches i'm not into nude beaches so we met in the middle and we both wore speedos i'm with you i'm pro nudity in general i wish we lived in a society where people could just have this

This is horrible. I was jogging through West Hollywood today and I saw probably an unhoused individual and she had both no shirt on, no bra, both boobs out in the sunlight. It didn't even shock me. And I was like, I know her situation is different, but people should be allowed to just have their fucking boobs out. Well, let's start with nudity not being illegal. Hello. Let's start there because the human body is not a crime. The human body as it is just...

As it is. It's not a crime. No. But that's what we think of it. Don't get me started on nudity. People should be able to like, well, I only have my underwear and flip flops on. I'm just going to run into CVS. Go buy your gum. However, they should not be able to sit their bare ass on your fucking white couch. But real nudists have decorum and etiquette. We dream of someday possibly doing a nudist event at the motel. Who's we? Dave and I. Oh, okay. Not for us. But because I think nudists need more places to go. And it would be like,

People already shower naked. Most people are sleeping naked. People are naked. Everybody's naked at all times. They just have fabric draped over their naked body. And what do you call it? What's the rest of it? What do you call it? Drag. Drag. You're all born naked and the rest is true. Oh, my God. It's the anthem. Who do you think you are? All born naked and the rest is true. I thought you were singing like the Chili's. It sounded like a Chili's jingle or something. Who do you think you are?

Come on down to Chili's and eat our wings. Do you like Chili's? I don't think I've ever been. I don't think so either. I will say this is horrible.

I love Applebee's. You're going to say, I killed someone at a Chili's. This is horrible. I killed someone at an Applebee's. I was a franchise owner of a Chili's, and I built it over a Native American graveyard. And then it was a haunted Chili's. And that was tough. I like any chain food. If they'll serve me a burger with no cheese and schmutz on it, then I'm happy.

Absolutely. There's a few foods that are always... It's always like a Southwest egg roll. What does that mean? I don't even know what that is. It's like a...

American Mexican version of an egg roll. But what's in it? I don't know. It's like black bean, red peppers, melted cheese, like taco tasting egg roll. Wrapped up in a crunchy egg roll? Yeah. It'll be like a pretzel with cheese, hot pretzel with cheese. It'll be like there's always a salad that's candied pecans and apple slices. All these things you're describing, I unfortunately won't eat. That burns me up. Okay. Well, there'll always be a pizza, but it's a flatbread pizza.

They love to call it a flatbread. Like that's pinky in the sky. Because they think that's more classier. Yes. Just call it a pizza. It's a pizza. Italians fought the, well, the very. They didn't win World War II for nothing. Hello. Thank you. Jesus Christ. Give them the moment. Give the Italians some shots. Their pizza is good and juicy. I'm trying to think of stuff like that. Like I've never been to an Outback Steakhouse.

What are the other like sort of Olive Garden tea? Olive Garden is tea. The last time I went to an Olive Garden, the service was so quick. I thought that somebody had like, I was living in a VHS tape and they had pressed fast forward. Like the waitress came over as like before we were there, sat down. The food was there before you ordered. It was like, it's like,

Wait a minute. Did they just have everything made and they just immediately bring it out? The guy who brought it out was sweating, I think because the kitchen was hot, obviously, but he was dripping sweat and we were in and out in like 12 minutes. We paid at the table. I was like, is this a sweatshop for food? Well, no, you know, my biggest pet peeve was I was a server and you know, I was a goody goody server too. I tried to do things by the book. I like reported my cash tips. I was like, just gross. Can you just quickly, I sat down at your table. What are you doing to me?

Well, I'm coming up. I'm greeting you. But do it. I'm welcoming. I'm asking you if you've been here. Hi, my name is Brian. I'm going to take care of you guys. Have you guys been here before? No. Oh, great. Well, our menu is kind of like this. What you never want to do is be that server who's like, we do things a little differently around girl. I was like, I don't want to. It's a restaurant. I want familiar. I want food and I want it fast. But what some one of the things that people 100% it's the first thing I notice is

Pre-drops, right? Pre-drops? Yeah. So if somebody orders, let's say appetizers, they should have little plates and silverware way before the food comes. Right.

If the appetizer calms and then you have to ask for silver on little plates, jail, prison, and jail. Yeah. I have the seam ripper and I'm putting it in my thigh. Girl. These are godless times. This is a godless restaurant. So pre-dropping is a big one. I always am very impressed when a server like, if you order French fries, ketchup should be pre-dropped. Yeah. Burgers, ketchup. If it's going to be a pizza meal, they should pre-drop like the Parmesan cheese, the red pepper. Do they have to do this with the pizza or is that the dealer's choice? No matter how big the pizza, it's one hand. Yeah.

And then it's okay. And now you've sold me. Yeah. Pre-dropping. And then the other thing that I love when servers do is, um, they print your bill after your entree and they have it ready to go. And that way, when you say, I think we're too full for dessert, they go great. I already have it. I do. Because if they have, if you order, if you add something, it's just two seconds to add it seconds, but now you've really impressed them by you already have the bill anticipating needs.

And these are all needs that are very easily to anticipate. We're going to get hungry. We're going to pay. Girl, we're going to get hungry. We're going to play. And I also think letting drinks get empty. I mean, that's like pie in the sky. You don't want people's drinks to get empty. No.

You don't want to. But you don't want to refill it the second they take a sip either. That's psychotic. No, there's a happy medium. And I think it's about being suspended from the ceiling via a trolley pulley thing with a pitcher. 100%. Because I don't want to see you when you're pouring my drink, but I do want it to come from the ceiling. Absolutely. I got one of those leather braided belts. And I have two liter sodas. Grape. Orange. Diet. Orange. Coke Zero. And whatever you want. It's like a little spigot. I have a really important question for you. What is it? Is Pepsi okay?

Is Pepsi okay? Yeah. Have we checked on her? Have we talked to Pepsi? Is Pepsi okay? Do we really know if she's okay? The next time someone asks if Pepsi's okay, I'm going to be, no, she died three weeks ago. I haven't talked to her today. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is Pepsi okay? Well, you know, losing a parent, it's always hard. You know, it's her third boyfriend and I guess this time he was real, but. Yeah. Asking as if it's Neve Campbell in Scream. Has anyone checked on Pepsi? Yeah. Is Pepsi okay? We're really worried about her.

Pepsi you're not yourself. You don't love to do the things you used to do anymore that phrase took on so many different meanings and and went into so many different neighborhoods in my mind because as we traveled through Canada every time I asked for coke always always asked for a coke and Sometimes in a lot of places in the u.s. Coke means soda. Yeah, right I said I have a coke please and there's a Pepsi. Okay, and I'm like is it well, but if it's not I

Go next door? It has to be. But I feel like you're legally required to inform the customer that it's not Coke. It is Pepsi. Although maybe half the people wouldn't be able to tell the difference. Well, some people, though, Pepsi Challenge. Of course. Now, is that a good drag name? Pepsi Challenge? Well, Pepsi's not a name. That's the problem. Well, it depends who you ask. We know people named Milk and Bob. But those are weird people. True. Drag names need to be names.

I can't believe we don't know anyone named Pepper Spray. That's really good. Pepper Spray really is, that's good. Peppers, pushing it though, name wise though, because that's still a weird name. Tell that to Peppermint. Drag legend Peppermint. Trans person of color, activist icon, Peppermint. Go ahead and look in the camera and tell her she's fake. Her first name is Pepper and her last name is Mint? Yeah, she has fresh breath. She's seasonal. What about Minty Leaf?

Is that a name? That's even better. Minty Leaf Honey. I bet you when Pepper Potts. Long haul trucker of the flyover. I mean, this is not a name. Pepper Potts is a character. Pepper LaBeija is a chosen name. You know, these are all chosen names. The other thing I have to say about Is Pepsi Okay? is if it isn't okay or if it is okay, that's an hourly worker.

Don't break into your type five comedy of like, well, I guess I'll bend the rules at the restaurant. Drink the brown bubbly liquid and shut the fuck up. Give me my brown bubbly now. And by the way, I do prefer Coke, but even Coke is a lie. Coke is supposed to be a caramel flavored soft drink. Did you know that? Coke is supposed to be caramel flavored.

And you know what happened to Pepsi? They used to have all the juggernauts. They had Jesse Eisenberg's little sister in the commercials. They had Britney. They had Britney. They had Beyonce. They had Madonna. Now who do they got? They have- Canadians. Hey, we got Pepsi. They had the entire country of Canada wrapped up in their icy claw grip. Yep. All those nice Canadians too polite to say, no, Pepsi's not okay.

You can come here and take our whole country and we'll serve it to every visitor. I want to do a true crime podcast about, is Pepsi okay? Let's ask Joan Crawford. Don't fuck with me, fellas. I think that's where it all came from. She strong-armed that fucking brown drink, bulldozed right over that cocaine liquid, and then, oh God, this ain't my first time.

You know, I 100% own Trixie Cosmetics and I still walk in and scream, I own 51%. They're like, you've never been to a fucking rodeo, bitch. They're like, so do we own the 49%? Like, what's very confusing. You should get a board of directors. Martin Scorsese, Catherine Bigelow, Sofia Coppola. What are you perturbed by? The food that just arrived? You brought Chipotle in. I didn't bring it.

Eden brought it. You're getting Chipotle's? What's your Chipotle order? It changed. Oh, it's changed. Yes. It's all sourdough. I'm not sorry. Sour cream with a little bit of queso. No fork. The way I tried to imagine that and then realized it wasn't feasible. I was like, so she's getting a cup of sour cream and eating it with a fork. No fork. I told you. Oh, no fork. Just a sip. Hot mug. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Let's take a break. Okay.

The Bald and the Beautiful is supported by FX's English Teacher. From Paul Sims, the executive producer that brought you What We Do in the Shadows, FX's English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school.

I cannot wait to see this amazing new show with the preternaturally hysterical Brian Jordan Alvarez. It's from the producer of one of the greatest TV shows of all time. And can I let you in on a little secret? A certain Miss Trixie Mattel makes a guest appearance on the show and whoa, it is a sight to behold. Take it from me, a connoisseur of quality television programming. You do not want to miss this show. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

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Because when it comes to getting the most out of your home, you can do this when you Angie that. Download the free Angie mobile app today or visit Angie.com. That's A-N-G-I dot com. And we're back. And we're still talking about Pepsi. Sorry, guys. I love Chipotle. It's one of the only kind of like, oh, I just keep spitting on myself. That's cool. Yesterday at Netflix, Jennifer went, Trixie, would you dab your chin? So what's that about? I drool. No, I'm a heavy drooler, but only in my sleep. But how do I get spit above the lip? Gravity. Gravity.

let's ask sandra bullock you know what it was i right when i spit i did that smile thing right and that's how i spit on myself mama that's that's a death drop that's a death drop that i thought imagine being able to do that at the gig like you're doing um you're doing the pointer sisters jump yes yeah tell me how you love me and then you right at the hamburger marys

Oh my love, dump it. I mean, there's got to be a song about going upside down or like. Absolutely there is. Paloma Faith, Upside Down. Or what about. Upside down, bouncing on the ceiling. Will we get sued? No, this isn't YouTube. Well. It is YouTube. Are we going to get sued on YouTube for singing, Mark? That sucks because I had been rehearsing a whole 45 minute medley of number one hits from the 90s. I'd love to see you do it. Yeah.

Love to see you do it, gal. So wait, I went into the ocean this morning and I have to tell you something. Miss Ocean, that woman, that thing, we have no business in there. She will take it. Oh my God. It's ocean is scary. It's not our place. It's not just scary. It is so powerful. We're not supposed to be down there. No, because she will crush you like a fucking bug bitch. She's like, oh, oh, you want to swim in here? No, it's not. I'm going to drown you.

So effortlessly. Is this stupid? Like how deep could a human body swim before something bad happens? Talking straight down. Oh, like depth. Oh my gosh. Because my iPhone can go under like five meters, I think. Well, you can go down, I think, five miles, but you have to be able to hold your breath for about 45 minutes. It's tough.

So when people scuba dive, like the bends, is this stupid? When people like are exploring the Titanic, are they, is it their bodies swimming around? No. James Cameron and, um, what's his name? Uh, at Harris or somebody, James Cameron Mitchell, James Cameron Mitchell. Um, as Hedwig went down and had lunch in the Titanic during nine 11.

I'm not joking. Are you serious? I'm not joking. So James Cameron and it wasn't Ed Harris. It was somebody else. Another actor had lunch on the Titanic while 9-11 was happening. No, I'm serious. Oh. They came up and 9-11 had happened. Isn't that fucking crazy?

So they were like, you know what? We're in the... But you know what? No, people were like, we have some news. They're the one vacationing amongst the skeletons. Who's going down to the Titanic? Well, can I ask a question? The movie makes it look like a lot of the people on the boat were not rich. Is that true or was it all rich people? Obviously, some people work on the boat, but there wasn't like moderate wealth people on the Titanic. Was it all like... No, it was very... It was either frou-frou-frou or very dirty face poor, but all the dirty face poor were so hot.

Well, that's the thing. Like Leo DiCaprio. That's the thing. You know what I love? I love when he turns around and goes, you want to go to a real party? We got to get that as a sound effect. Yeah. They go down to the, down to steerage. They drop the G and the hand goes on the window. That's a seamy hand. The way I could have rolled my ankles trying to do that standing on a toe trick she does for the people. Don't you remember the part where she's like, you think you're all really tough? And Kate Winslet stands up and she says,

Because she's like a proper ballet girl and she can do point. So then she slowly raises up onto her two pointer toes. On the dining room table? No, they're downstairs in like the Irish music party. Oh, right. The Men in Music Conference. The Men in Music Conference. Down in Orlando. Down in Orlando at the Men in Music Business Conference. I still can't believe that that bitch released that song. Dang.

Do you ever think that she's just trying to push the fags as far as she can before they snap? Yes, and so many other things. I think that she does so many things and that we will never even begin to understand those things. So many things. I think that she probably posts some of that stuff and she's like, people think this is so serious. Oh, I think it's even crazier than that. She's like, I've got an idea. She's like, why don't I really fuck with people today? Yeah, so she wakes up, the eye mask comes off, she's like,

Let's fuck around. Well, the power, the power that that has, the international implications that that has. Imagine if Beyonce just woke up and put a one slide on her Instagram that said tonight. Of course she does that. What would it mean? We would be like, does she put it on a record? Is she going to, is she going to, is she going to turn a school into a meat factory? Right. So, I mean, the power of that, you know, conference.

If you had a social media that wasn't drag and you didn't do drag, let's say you were Ben Smith who worked at the Chipotle and you had a socials, what would you post? Hobbies, friends, family? No, I mean, I was going to say something funny, but I wouldn't have one. No, I don't want to have one.

The only person, the only non-famous person's social media that I really, really enjoy, Instagram, is just, I have a friend who has really great taste in artwork and she posts wonderful pictures of like nature stuff. Very, but not like, oh, a big wave crashing or, you know what I mean? It's like gorgeous close-up things like, what is that? That's all. But that's, but who, you know, I don't know. Probably my asshole. Pictures of my shaved asshole. Did you see that?

You know, Instagram doesn't like when gay things happen. Of course. But Kim Kardashian can show her inner and outer labia. Show hole. Vulva. But I know gay guys who like a remotely gay but revealing picture. So they'll do this and then they'll do that and then they'll get flagged.

Yes. However, I do know gay guys who literally have broken the rules and then are like, Instagram hates gays. I'm like, you were gooning. Yeah. You had your foreskin tied to a doorknob and you were slamming it. Yeah. You had the Boston cream pie on the timeline. Like, Instagram hates gays. I'm like, you broke the rules of Instagram.

But just go to Twitter, Mary. Go to Twitter. Go to Twitter.com and you can literally post the whole 30-load weekend in full glorious display. Today's episode is sponsored by Twitter. Twitter, thank you so much for allowing me to view in real time my neighbor get deep dicked by the whole hockey team.

Twitter, it's like, do you like violence? Do you like, truly hate culture? That's where the fans of something go to be mad. Twitter. Yeah, they also go to Reddit too. There's Reddits for anything. Believe it or not, I'm on the Watchmen Reddit. Of course, but that's natural though. No, but it's me. Is there a gooning incessantly about Watchmen Reddit? But the thing about Watchmen is, it mostly attracts like,

conservative right wing people a lot of it so like because some people read it and they get what they want of it some people are like this is a conservative manifesto well they're like the villains in something and I'm gay and they're like ooh pretty pictures so you know reddit's wild there's reddit's for anything there's yeah reddit there's I guess porn is on reddit

Oh, yeah. There's one that I love called r slash massive cock. And I don't even care about big dicks that much. So I don't know why I follow it. Why are you laughing? r slash massive cock. Giant chickens. Oh, boy.

Like COQ. But what I like about the Reddit porn is it's, it is just someone waking up and choosing violence and taking a picture of their dick in the bathroom and posting it. Yeah. That is fascinating to me because I've never, I've never done it. Not because I don't have, you know, I have very, very photographical genitalia, of course, but I don't, I don't know. I guess I, I liked, um, the studio porn cause it was so well lit and I love acting, but I guess I just go to the movies.

Oh my god. Why aren't movies sexy anymore? Dave and I were watching Scary Movie 5 last night. I don't recommend it. They did five of those stinkers? Lindsay Lohan's in it. And she plays herself in the beginning and she's having sex with an ankle monitor on. Shit. It's fierce. But... Does it... What happens? Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen are doing a... Oh, shut the fuck up. That's not even funny. Well, it's like a paranormal activity. Like, there's cameras in their bedroom and they're trying to catch ghosts, but they're having sex. And...

It was, I mean, those movies are so slapsticky. It's really anything goes. Mac Miller's in it, who's dead now. It's wild. Wow, what a tasteless extravaganza. It is. That's the one where there was a geyser of seminal fluid that propelled a woman into the... Okay, that was like, they started with that. But it launched the career of Anna Faris. Who turned... That was her into the ceiling? Mary, can I just say on this channel, this pod...

Those movies are great. And they are great because a pretty unknown actress at the time was swinging big. Anna Faris said, I know exactly what kind of movie we're making. Yeah, she did. I have to play. Broadway. It's amazing. Yeah, yeah. You have to understand, she was probably like, you know, I guess I'm just going to go for it because we're making something stupid. And if I, the lead, don't go big. Yeah, yeah. Because she's with Regina Hall, who's also swinging so big in those movies. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

God, they are so good. And they're female-centered horror movies, which is great. Fake horror movies. Yeah. Did you see X? You saw X, right? I did. Did you like it? It was fine. I had questions. What are the questions? Why are they killing these people? Who? Why is a woman killing people? Why are these people killing these people? Because she's jealous.

Jealous of what? Of her youth. She's jealous of being unfuckable. Jealous of what, Crystal? Your ugly leather pants? Exactly. She literally says she's jealous of the big-titted blonde young woman because she's grown old and therefore unfuckable and she's not at peace with that. She wants to get her pussy ate. That sounds more like this dynamic. An old woman being jealous of a young blonde big-titted girl. I will kill anybody around me who tries to make a porno. Why do you think all my friends are porno people?

I'm playing the long game. Girl, you are. You're like, I think you should do a slasher porn. Yeah. I think you should have the slasher. Have some more G. Yeah. Work. I just thought X was, you know, I did watch Hellraiser finally. Oh my God. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. I watched it twice. I have a lot of opinions about it. Can I say that? I think it was, I love the original. I think it was better than the original.

It made way more sense. The gore was obviously incredible. The box was so transfixing because it changed shape so many times. And honestly, just had more of a plot. I love the first one, but you are a little bit like, are we watching this? Exactly. What's going on? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Although the lead in the original, that girl, is great. Yeah. I mean, I think I was, the second viewing, I couldn't, who is the curly haired kid from Stranger Things? Because it looks like her, his older sister.

Oh, well, can I say, I know that she's a drug addict. The hair was 75% covering her face the entire film. Kelly LeBrock with like a wind from at her back. Girl, Hagrid hanging upside down. Like it was so crazy. It was so crazy. And I think like all those, my issue with the movie was like everything that didn't involve the Cenobites, I actually had no interest in.

Not even a teeny bit. They were all shouting and telling us what they were going to do or what they needed to do. It's like, just go do it. Well, isn't that, any of those movies you wait for the spooky, I mean, you know what gagged me? What? When it's your time and the walls start receding and you basically, that was so, when that girl was in the hospital. Oh, yeah, the woman. And she's being wheeled down the hospital and the walls start turning into brick. I'm like, work,

Or when Nora's in the van and all of a sudden the driver's seat is getting further away and the outside is red. I was like, ooh, something's going on. That's how I feel when I use a CBD foot oil. You're doing .005 milligrams of THC and the chains are coming out. Oh my God. One time I was on tour with Laganja a long time ago. You know how the tour buses, they expand when you're parked and they shrink? Hellraiser. She was seated and...

It smushed her? No. Oh. That's how Laganja died. Yeah. No, it started moving and Laganja was really medicated and the room contracting while she was high without warning. Her face, I'll never... I'll try to do my best version of it, but it was like...

She couldn't handle it. I remember going, it's fine. This is supposed to happen. And she was like, oh, you don't say that to someone like that. She was so shook by it. What's happening? Miss Jamie Clayton, Pinhead. She turned it. She took that party and she turned it right around. Girl, just, just, just. A joyful note.

And then she sticks that fucking pin through her fucking throat. Yeah. Yeah. It was crazy. Further delights await. I understand that like these Cenobites are supposed to be like people who pain and pleasure are all the same to them. It's just extreme amounts of sensation, right? That's what they're looking for. Who wants that? Well, so they're from another dimension. They're travelers from another dimension. And they're, I mean, to us, they're obviously like,

Not great because whatever gifts they have to give us, they're not exactly pleasant. That guy with the hardware through his chest. Mama, the auto harp on his nerves. Crazy. It's so nasty. Crazy. So rude. And you know who he was, that actor? Yes, Practical Magic. Practical Magic. By the way, has not aged a day. What an attractive man. Although he was surfing the Lady Claire all nice and easy. Mama, he's Serbian. Yeah, black number two. Honey. One B. She went down to La Brea Tar Pits.

And dipped the back of her head in that tar. It was so nice and easy. Nice and easy. It was literally to pay one B black. It was so funny. Yeah. It was a rug. It really was giving a rug. Also it's, it's sort of like as the human drag queen wig,

Technology improves. The movie wigs have not improved. So we're catching up. Mama, we've surpassed them. We're catching up. Mama, people who aren't even on the regular season of Drag Race are giving HD fantasy lace. I know. And fucking the Marvel Cinematic Universe is doing Scooby-Doo. Girl, hard front Scooby-Doo UCB. Take the wig off the wall. Quickly. Cola-scola quick changes. That's what they're doing. It's like, why? I've been looking at the House of the Dragon show on HBO, which is, of course, a

Game of Thrones, but they all wear white. Many of the characters have white hair. So you can imagine the horrors that lie with the lace. Mama, this is a million, billion dollar production, the best production company in the whole world. And they're giving boo-boo party city.com bargain bin after Halloween.

What is that? When Tim Allen and the Santa Claus has unclogable HD lace, you can pull it together. If there's a fantasy world that you're adapting for the screen and the characters have white hair, you got to say one thing. Okay, this world is not real. This is not Ken Burns. We can take a little bit of liberty. We can do a low light. Do a bang. We can do a bang. We can experiment with some texture. We can make it whatever we want. Just make it look good.

Uh-huh. People get hung... I think they get hung up on the good part. Now, I mean, I don't know if you're that person, but...

When anything I watch with, I go, that's a wig. I said it out loud when we saw, um, you know that one with the girl in the back, uh, with the thing in the back of her head. Oh, what was it called? Um, Maleficent. No, um, malevolent. Malevolent. Malevolent. In the theater, me and Andrew at the same time. Malignant. Malignant. Malignant. At the same time, the only thing I never talk in theaters, me and Andrew said wig. Wig. Out loud. I know. Cause mama, she was wigged.

for that wigged for the gig wigging out with bobby pins that's what she's doing we're gonna take a break

And we're back with Wiggin' Out with Bobby Pins. Dirty Ted and Stephanie are wiggin' out on HBO Max. They're given a visible lace with no glimmer glass, flat white hair, and the dolls are living. You know, not to take it back to air conditioning, but we were filming at Netflix the last two days. Oh, it was too cold! I came home and took a hot bath, and I had to wait for my feet to warm up. I was truly... I was...

You know, Aspen, can we name drop? Jennifer Cochise, I don't know how to say her last name. Jennifer, Jennifer, who's our director. I believe she's not on Netflix. No, no, she's an independent contractor, like kind of director, creator of our show. And she keeps us, I think she's actually trying to teach us a valuable lesson about how much of a good thing. No, she's talking about, she's trying to preserve us because she thinks we're dead. She's waiting for us to go on a call so she can go, oh, really? Yeah, that's interesting. Yeah.

That's interesting. Fina Barbertau, who does our hair and makeup, she was doing my face yesterday. She goes, what foundation do you have on? I told her and she was like, it looks great. I said, it's because I'm unable to perspire or produce sebum. Like when you spray paint a corpse, they don't move. They don't move. It's really crazy. It was wild. I actually uttered the words, I'm too cold right now. And I was like,

Where am I? It's really cold. What's going on? Yeah, yeah. It's really cold. Well, you know. Wait, wait. There's several other things that I wanted to mention to you. I want to talk about it too. Whatever it is, I want you to talk about it with me and I want to connect with you. I want to hear your voice and look in your eyes and know the things you think when I'm not around. I want you to agree or disagree. Yeah. I want to respond, retaliate. Retaliate? Yeah. Wait, wait. I hope you don't do conjecture or conflama. Mm-hmm.

Do you like war? Maybe. Why? Well, guess where I'm going. Where? Miami.

Oh, that's right. I'm going to see. Okay, I'm putting this out there. You listening? Is this thing on? I'm going to see a Svetlana Laboda. It looks like Laboda, so let's just say Laboda. I've been calling it Laboda. Well, she did an Italian special. Every year they do an Italian special. They've only done two, but her Italian version of her name is Laboda. So let's just call her that. So Laboda. Laboda is definitely sexier. It's Laboda.

La Bada. It's weird. Such a weird thing to say. Anyways, so she's doing a concert. She's coming to LA, but we're in Poland. Is that Warsaw, right? Yeah, what is that? She's coming to LA, but we're in Poland. Because we're busy. I just got invited to, Mateo had an extra ticket for like a bear thing on a cruise. And I was like, I would love to go get drunk with a bunch of bears. Of course we're working. I literally thought they were grizzly bears.

That's what I thought. I was like a bear. What are you going to like bear traps and like hunting on a boat with bears? I love the bears. And you know, I'm not a bear, but I'm an ally. And so I'm like the straight girl. You're a bear admirer. Yes. But at a bear club or a bear event, I'm the straight girl at a gay event. Totally. I'm like penis necklaces. I have like little bear necklaces. It's your bachelor party and you're screaming. Yeah. I showed up with some fettuccine Alfredo. I'm like, let's eat boys. Yeah. Bears love food. But bears are nice, funny. They love drag and they're body positive. Yeah.

That's a great generalization. I think they are. You've never been jilted by a bear, clearly. No. Do people get jilted by bears? Are you saying that hairy people are all nice?

No, I'm saying people who go to bear events. People who want to go, they want fun disco. And you know what? There is no mass time for master mask at a bear event. It's like, we all look like construction workers, but we are fags and let's have fun with it. Totally. We're all, it's all like, it's like, um, it's the zoo mama. Let's have a laugh. Yes. I love bear events for that reason. But anyway, just, we don't, we have no, listen through the rest of the year, you and I, what did we get back from tour mid-December?

You know what though? I think we have most of January off. Don't just say that out loud. Don't just say that. They'll hear you. They'll hear you. I promise to you. No, I promise. Mama promises. We got to do the pod and stuff, but like,

We won't be traveling. We won't be exerting ourselves. And I promise you, they're going to hear you and they're going to come make us work. I'm like an abusive husband who's like, baby, you shouldn't have made me angry. You know how I get. Well, you shouldn't have said you had time off because then I wouldn't have made you work. I've been saying no to a lot of things. I've said no to some really crazy paying things too because I'm trying to be more like...

No. Are you making a conscious effort to enjoy time alone or are you just padding your schedule so that you can be more present at your gigs? I have been, because of touring, the makeup company, the motel, my bar in Milwaukee, there are just things that I've been like,

Not present enough for and I should really be there. And so next year is going to be about YouTube and the pod with you and uh, but like girl, we can't be running all over the place anymore. But I love to tour. Mary, I think by the end of the year, you and I will have actually been out of our homes more than six months.

Are we in selective service? No. And I love touring. You love to tour. But you go to hell touring. I'm interested in balance. Yeah. It's a funny thing. It's not very relatable. But when I hear people like Janet Jackson and mega huge, crazy, rich stars who can have anything. Tom Jones. Tom Jones. Siegfried and Roy. One of that, he got eaten by the lion. Did he really? Was it Siegfried or Roy? Do you like magic? Not really. Not really.

I got to tell you something. Why? The Property Brothers, who I did... They're doing magic now? No. So one of them, before they did renovation, one of them, I believe, wanted to be a model. And the other one wanted to do close-up magic. And I have to tell you, I love magic. We got to think of another name besides close-up magic. Do you know what that's called? What? Sleight of hand. Marketing.

Oh, close up magic is either pickpocketing or like showing your weenie. The other day I sat here and ate some weed and I watched somebody's cruise ship magic show with a bunch of birds. I sat here just like this. I looked like in the shining when Dick Halloran gets that shining call in bed and he's like,

You look like the parents in Midsommar. Girl, totally, totally. Magic is so cool when done well. When done well, it's amazing. The right music, the right lighting, the right costuming. My God. And you got to think, the lifetime of practice to do these things and make them seamless. I know. I can't even zip an invisible zipper. It's crazy though, but it's one of those things that it has to be perfect or it is completely bad.

You know what I mean? I know. Say Gabby Douglas does a whip back to a triple full. Maybe she has some bent knees, but she still lands it and takes one small step back. Right. Still did it. That's not magic. Magic, if you see the trick, it's all done and the illusion is wrapped and you're a fraud and you fail and you're done forever. Well, and this was a show centered around birds doing some of the magic. And so-

Animal slavery. No, the animals don't have top hats and like magic wands. Oh, thank God. Okay. I'm saying like, let's bring this lady up here. Can I see your wedding ring? And then the bird flies away and later they find it in her pocket. Like shit like that. How do they do that?

Well, that's what I'm saying. It's already the variables of human error. Now you're adding animal error and audience interaction. Listen, I'm never going to do magic. Please don't. I'm never going to probably see a magic show. Good. But shout out to the magic people. David Blaine, David Copperfield. All the David. David Silver. David Silver. David Attenborough. He does a lot of bird magic. And yeah, just everybody named David. Good job.

David Attenborough. Is that the animal guy? No, he was, yes. The BBC. He talks about like, this animal is dead and blah, blah, blah. This is the spotted dick feathered Worthington and native to the... Interesting. Yes. Tell me something that you've... No, no, we're not done. I'm still talking. Excuse me. Sorry. I want you to tell me about... Madeline Ash. What do you think about the whale?

like as an animal no i'm the movie from darren aronofsky in which brendan fraser dons the enormous fat suit to play a gay man who is obese and it's called the whale are you kidding me no i would love to see it okay i know that's a problem why is it a problem well i don't think that people are probably encouraged to wear fat suits for comedic effect at this junction i don't think it's a comedy i'm pretty sure it's a drama

Are you kidding? I'm not kidding. Okay. Now I'm actually more interested. Okay. It's based on a play. I believe. I love, listen, I saw this play in college called fat pig. Have you read this play? I love that name. It's about, it's called fat pig. And one of the major things in it is this girl, she's big and she's dating a guy who's thin and it's sort of like her, I can't watch that, but it's her. Basically this guy is pretty good to her and she, but she's bringing in her own like assumptions of like, she has this whole monologue where she's like,

When we're together, I know how people look at us, that you're skinny and I'm fat. And she talks about, I love you and I would lose weight for you. He doesn't really want her to. Anyway, it was a very powerful play.

When a girl, especially a young girl, say middle school, elementary school, whatever, we've talked about the Don Wiener thing. If they're getting bullied for their weight, I almost can't. It's like a horror movie where I can't look at it. I know. It affects me so viscerally that I'm like, oh, this is how wars start because people get so angry. They want to just kill and dismember and rip the skin off of people. Yeah.

Well, I mean, we're the most vulnerable and open to suggestion and influence when we're young. And that's why things like that are so hard to deprogram because they hit when you were just a silly putty blob. And so everything makes an impact. It's so what? It sinks in. How are children and young people so cruel? So unbelievably cruel. If I had a fat child.

Uh, they would, I swear to God, I would do everything I could possibly do to make sure that can you do, you can't go to school with them. I mean, I would go to school with them. I think I would be like, listen, what are you going to tell them?

If they're like, oh, I want to be a model. I'd be like, you know what? There are very, very skinny models. There are very, very big models and everything in between. You can totally do it. Okay. And then in the world, like some kid called me fat. I would be like, well, people are all different sizes. But what if they said, actually six boys cornered me in the bathroom, oinking, called me a fat pig and then peed on me. Well, then I would be in prison because I'd have to shoot kids. There you go. Now we're talking. The kids are awful.

They're so fucking rotten. I know. But you know what, though? This is a call to the parents out there. And I'm not a parent. If you have a kid and you find out that they are the bully or making fun of someone, you need to come down like a hammer. Yeah. And we need to talk about Kevin. You need to talk about Kevin. And not just like punishment, like consequences. Tell them why they are really infringing on someone's happiness and how damaging. Like, you know, I've never been more ashamed of you.

Yeah, but my parents tried that with me. What were you saying to kids? Well, I was just getting naked in class and doing the hoochie-coochie on the desk. I just always think we're all animals. I don't think there's any... No parenting style is the best, and nobody knows how to do it right. Isn't that scary? That's why I don't want to have kids. I'm like, I know I will fuck this up. I know. We all love to be like, I'm going to do everything my parents...

Guess what your parents said? I'm gonna do everything my parents did wrong. We're all trying to undo the errors of the previous generation by just making more errors in the process. I can't wait for that big bomb or that asteroid to hit us and we all go bye-bye. The human race is corny, tired, and played out. Played out. You know what? The human race is tired and Armageddon is wired.

The whale? The whale. Darren Aronofsky of The Wrestler, Black Swan, Requiem for a Dream. But there was some controversy because I believe he was quoted as saying, well, it was hard to find a fat actor.

There are no fat actors exist. You know, it's like, mama, we get it. You needed a star to sell the movie, to put on the fat suit, to make the movie. That's how Hollywood works. It's a 2022 American psychological drama. Oh, I thought this was an old movie. No, the whale. Let's see what it's about. I believe. 600 pound middle-aged Chris, Charlie, tries to reconnect with his 17 year old daughter. The two grew apart after Charlie left his family for another man who later died. Charlie then went on to binge eat out of pain and guilt, which resulted in his current appearance.

yeah brendan fraser coming back listen i love brendan fraser me too i read an article but he was a men's health magazine once i believe and he was talking about basically he got excused and excised from his career because of unwanted sexual advances and the consequence of staying up for himself at least that's what the article is about yeah crazy crazy hollywood is nasty boots nasty boots and it's look

It's right here. We're right here. Right over there. We're right in the heart of it. You can smell the shit. You know about that song into the thick of it. Yeah. No. What is that? It's from tick tock. People keep trying to get me to do tick tocks and I can't, I won't. I don't want to. It's fine. You got, I've seen your tick tocks. I think you're, you're curving your own path. See, I'm a trailblazer. Can I show you a song? Please. She went to show me a song. Well, yeah, I'm going to like play it for you. And like, you're going to be like, Oh, cool. Okay.

This is very popular on TikTok right now. So that's what they're doing on TikTok. Okay, okay. And that's it.

Okay, I have some incredible news for you. I believe, it is my tinfoil hat theory that TikTok is undeniable proof that this is, what do you call it? The remix civilization, the remix. That the world, the world isn't ending, mama. She ended it quite a while ago. In TikTok, TikTok is just showing us all what happened. Do you know what I mean? No. No.

But it sounds good. And so I'm trying to be like, hmm. Everything. It's all mixed up. Like when people say, oh, this kind of TikTok as in little enclaves or sub genres, they're like, oh, well, where'd you find that? Oh, I was just cruising for, you know, Japanese amputee, 600 pound pro wrestling TikTok. The whale. Yeah, the whale. But that's way too general. My TikTok is because, you know, you accept the love you believe you deserve on TikTok.

I get bird TikToks, makeup. And recently I watched a bunch of Japanese smart home videos.

Wait, is it the thing where the girl, the boyfriend leaves and then she unboxes? You know who got me on this? Eden. She showed me, she like pointed my face at the thing and it was three minutes long. Of course, I watched it in rapt, unwavering, unflinching attention. She did like bird box, eyes open. I was literally, she's like, you're going to love this. Yeah. And she's like, look at it. But it's always, it starts with like, it's a pantomime of like husband leaving and she has messy hair, glasses and her house is a mess.

And then it's a speed staged cleaning of her own home. It's not only that. Everything has a gadget. Oh, she opens the door. It's filled to a closet. There's probably 500 boxes in it.

And then she, it's a razor open display, what it is, how it works. Install it. Move on next for like three minutes. It was insane. It's really insane. Crazy. They can see that I have to wait till my boyfriend is gone so that I can get my life together. Have we talked about overload? Like I'm cleaning overload. Tick tock.

No. Mary fucking Dugan. Mary fucking Dugan. Overload. It's cleaning TikTok. It's not butts. Thank God there's no sex on TikTok. That'd be disgusting. Oh. Fucking A. Honestly, we need limitations. We do. It's not Dick Talk. It's TikTok. It would be Cenobites. Yes. It would be Cenobites. Fish hooks in the face. Fish hooks. Exposed skin. Chattering teeth. Blood dripping. Bones sticking out. Yeah. But Overload TikTok, it's like people like, hey, thanks for my 100,000 subscribers. Today we're going to do a really big overload. Overload.

They'll plug their toilet with a bunch of sponges and they will pour gallons of undiluted cleaning product into the toilet. So there's so much foam and bubbles. And then they'll put on gloves and the TikTok will be them scrubbing the shit out of their toilet. And I saw a comment that was like, so are we just playing in our toilets now?

I told you, it's the remix. It's the end in time. Mama, it's the remix. It has been over. It's over. So don't worry about nothing. This episode is also sponsored by TikTok. Yeah. Hey, if you've got three minutes to spare and you want to unpack some things, go to a TikTok. It's so... Remember the good old days when all we had to worry about was the TikTok? Or kicking a shoe. Kicking a shoe when your outfit changes. What happened to that? TikTok used to be a lot more wholesome, and now it's...

It's 30 ways to use volcanic lava to incorporate a boyfriend into your toilet. Like what? It's just all jumbled. I don't know. Listen, I'm not complaining though. I'm not complaining. I'm not either. I'm not either. And you know what?

I enjoy it. No good. I wish I enjoyed it. I can't get into it. I used to be like, oh, I have to figure out a good idea. I have to like. Oh, no, no, no, no. Now I just do it. Yeah, but that's the social media. That's the key to any social media. Like, because now that we got in at a good time and we got kind of locked in at a low rate, super low rate, fixed mortgage. Yeah. No, no bank shenanigans. And so we were able to just kind of like, oh, pick it up when you want and put it down when you want.

There's no pressure or anything. And it's just the followers go up and it's whatever. Now, if you're like a drag queen, unless you're doing Hollywood level transitions and lighting. And you have an MBA from Wharton School of Business. It's like so tough. If you're not actually doing Plastique Tiaras TikTok, you might as well jump off a building. You just go face down into a dumpster and never come back. Her videos are unreal. I know, but you know that Sofia Coppola does them now.

Mary, she's got... Catherine Bigelow. Rebel Wilson. Yes. On sound. Yeah. Sound mixing from... She has John Williams, the composer. Script by Diablo Cody. Like, I don't know how she's doing it. I don't know. I don't know. Miramax is behind it all. Totally. It's crazy. This is Netflix's new big streamer. DreamWorks presents. DreamWorks presents. With a collaboration with Pixar. The hottest two minutes of your life. They're going to show a bunch of her TikToks as a short before a Pixar movie. Yeah.

It'll be like you go to see Up and then in the beginning it's her like whole like and she's she does she's the original upside down smile girl. She also does this. You know I can't do it because I'm not attractive like her but you know that. Yeah hot sexy hot sexy.

Nudity. And then just nudity. And it's not just nudity. It's a... The sound effect is a bomb going off. Yes. The screen shakes. Yeah, yeah. And Hiroshima. Her big plastic leg, shiny plastic leg, flips across the screen. She's in a hooker shoe. Dental floss. Covering her penis. Dental floss. And her smile is...

Yes. So polite. And no teeth. It's just... And she's like... The gaze is like... It says so many things without one damn word. It's straight through. It's wild. It's all happening backstage at fucking Voss Presents, the trailer park extravaganza or whatever. She's at an outdoor movie theater lip syncing for people in their cars. And then meanwhile, DreamWorks in the trailer. She's doing M. Night Shyamalan's

Girl, she gets off stage at Hamburger Mary's and walks into a movie set to do her TikTok. Meanwhile, over at, oh, we got Pete repainting every weekend, repainting the screen. Drilling, lighting, trying to order food, and then two grizzled hats sit in a green hot room. Complaining. Complaining. Why can't I reach my drink? Why can't I reach my drink? My God. Wait, wait, wait. So the Cenobites, the Cenobites, I just want to say one last thing. Uh-huh.

I think that they just needed more. I wanted to know more about them. I will say this. I think it's Hellraiser 3. That's the one that dives into who made the boxes. And then I think only then do you actually start to get who are these people, who are the Cenobites. I would love to have known

Yeah, just give me something I'm gonna know like so I obviously you know you come to it's like a trick the game the box is a trick It's like a you know, the puzzle is a trick. It's like whoops. We got you such contract, you know I just want to know more and also like The girl I love when she said save your voice for screaming so fun fun She really turned it so fun and that's very very gory the throats played open. I was What about the guy at the end getting turned into a Cenobite?

I love that. But you know what I loved? No cheap ass jump scares. Just brooding, like scary. You know what I mean? Like, like I screamed when she was at that playground and she's going around circle and you just see one in the background. Damn. Yeah, it's fierce. It's fierce. You know, although they need to start lighting these movies because we're all in the dark here.

We're all in the dark. And she has bangs. You know what I mean? Like anything. I have a lantern in my living room trying to see these movies that are just all in black. It's like, what is this? Found footage. I'm doing, I'm at the doc. I'm having the eye doctor come over to dilate my pupils. Seriously. So I can watch the movie. Everybody's on Twitter. It's like, I can't see it. It's like, I know shit. It's like, why don't we put a light? It's a movie. Don't they involve lights? They shoot these scenes in the daytime and then make them dark and post. And there was some hot. Well, they're better. Her brother who dies first.

Are you kidding me? Are you fucking Corbin blue? Not Corbin, Corbin, Corbin, um, that's it. Corbin Dallas, Corbin Dallas, Corbin Dallas, Randy blue, Randy blue, Sean, Sean Cody. I was like, am I into S and M? Cause I'm ready to watch these chains tear his skin off. Well, Clive Barker is famously very gay.

Really? Yeah. And it's all gay shit going on. Makes sense. This was actually, you know what? This isn't even Hellraiser. It's the eagle. This is originally one of your friends' OnlyFans and they just put some chains in it. They just put a...

surveillance came at the Eagle after hours and they're like greater delights await. Want some poppers? Yeah. All right. Well, thank you for joining us again and goodbye. Goodbye. Bye.

Bye.