A Ghost with a Goatee with Trixie and Katya
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So... Hey. Hey, gal. I'm back from Australia. Welcome back from Australia. You did it. Fucking all Cs. If you know her, you know her. If you know her, you know her. How was it? A scale of, um...

It was short but intense. It felt like you were there forever. I got to Perth and it was a little bit, you would have hated it because it was a tease. It was a tease because at first I had a day off, one show in Perth and then four days off, three days off. Oh, that's because you can't do weekday shows there. Right. Well, you can't do them for a disco too. It's a party. Oh yeah, Wednesday night disco. So then the following weekend it was...

Wednesday, Melbourne. Thursday, Melbourne. Friday, Adelaide. Saturday, Bris Vegas. And then Sunday, Sydney. And I took an after party. So there's two shows Sunday. And I want to talk. I know we talk a lot about heat.

and air conditioning. - Oh mama. I was looking at your little videos online. I was like, ooh, this is Schindler's List. - Honey baby darling. When I'm sweating, when my makeup is gone, I'm wearing the one size no sweat primer. I'm wearing setting spray. I'm wearing the Anastasia Beverly Hills banana powder, which I think is one of the most absorbing powders there is.

- Nothing. - Two hours of DJing and I don't just DJ. - You dance around. - Go watch clips. - I know, I see it in you. - I'm thrashing. I burn more calories DJing than I did during "Trixie and Katya." I lost weight on that tour. - Damn. - That's how much burn and sweat. And I come off stage and Brandon would go,

Brandon would go, sweat is just fat crying. And I'd go, thank you so much. That's what they used to say. Well, I cry a lot. My fat cries a lot. Ultra body fitness, that gym I used to go to had a sandwich sign that said the same thing outside of it. I'm also traveling with Matteo Sagatti, good friend of the pod. Are you really? Yes. Oh, that's so fun. He opens for the first two hours while people are filing in and drinking. What does he play? Polka? Pretty much all aggressive German polka.

And drums and bass. Have you ever drums and bass music? Drums and bass. Absolutely. It's,

It's like the sound of an anxiety attack. I can't stand drums and bass and I love everyone. I'm happy for everyone. I can't stand drum and bass. Is it drum and bass or drums and bass? Drum and bass. Drum and bass. I can't stand it. It's so obnoxious to me. It's like. It's a very 90s thing. It's crazy. I feel like it's 90s. Frenetic. Insane. Frenetic. But Matteo, he's playing and he's warming them up. And it's like, also it's for somebody, me to have a veteran of like 20 years in dance music open for me. I'm already like, oh my God, thank you so much for stooping to the level of opening for a person in a wig. Yeah.

But he's fun to travel with, but he's 47. Never forget it. Never forget it. Never forget it. You know, he's never been to Australia either. Never forget it. And he has a broken ankle because he broke his ankle a couple weeks ago. I'm never going to forget that.

So he's, he is my, um, my invalid daughter. Your invalid, well, your invalid grandmother. He's my invalid grandmother. Um, so like, you know, traveling, I'm so used to traveling abroad. I fly through that airport. I have horse blinders on headphones in, I don't care. You leave them in the dust. Mateo was the daughter left at the altar at every airport. And I, I got used to kind of grabbing him and bringing him. He doesn't travel.

Not like where he goes through immigration knowing exactly what's going on. Who knows what's going on through immigration? So the first day of immigration, he comes up and goes, thanks for waiting for me. And I go, okay, I'll wait for you. I'll definitely wait for you. Wow. What a great host you are. He had a blast. He also texts a lot, but he's more prone to video. Okay. So all day on the WhatsApp, I'm getting a minute or two long. Oh, no.

I said, let's get you a little journal, honey. Let's get you a little diary. Do you do the voice notes? That's something I do not feature at all. Not at all. What is this? Brad G.P.G. in Brazil? I can't stand. Brazil, they love voice notes. Love it. I don't know why. I think it's also just everywhere besides America. But also...

Famous people love voice notes. Why? These are the people that send me voice. I mean, all the voice notes I've ever gotten have been from Brittany Broski,

James Charles. Like anybody YouTube famous? I love voice notes. Manny MUA. Is it because they're like doing stuff with their fingers? They're otherwise occupied maybe? Gigi Gorgeous. These are the people that send me voice notes. All makeup YouTube people. And it needs to stop. Well, it's probably because they're doing their makeup. Who's that woman that's that politician who's like, stop right there. Marianne Williamson. Her. Yeah. Love her.

Let love in. By the way, it was just so fun. And I got to tell you, I don't like gratitude because I think it's cheesy. No, it's good. I'm up there. There's thousands of people there. The lights are pink. There's pink balloons dropping, pink confetti. I'm playing remixes of ABBA. And it's all women and faggots thrashing, thrashing in pink makeup. And people are dressed in pink. Everyone. Everyone.

dress code everyone i told people even if they have tickets to turn them away at the door if they don't have pick i said refund them at the door and send them out of here because it's very i don't think i'm asking a lot i don't think i'm asking a lot i don't think she's asking a lot either i don't know i don't five dollar pink t-shirt wear anything if i if so like if i went and i didn't have pink on would you throw me away push me away told him to do

But I don't think they actually did it. I would pull out my pants and show them my little pink pecker. To me, it's the equivalent of going to a Halloween party not in a costume. Get out of here. Right. Get out of here. That's true. It's true. It's fair. It's fair. It's fair. It's like if I'm in drag, it's like I'm erect. Why aren't you erect? Like if I'm in a corset. By the way, me corseted with my big show pads on in that giant Christina Aguilera wig. I love that. The sweat.

I took that costume off and it sounded like I was a fisherman who accidentally caught an octopus and dropped it on the poop deck. Yeah.

Wet, wet mud. Disgusting. But I had so much fun. I'm up there and the lights are, I'm just looking up and I'm thinking, this is what drugs feel like. Yeah. Like I was having so much fun. My heart is pounding because I'm not just excited. I'm dancing. Oh, good. I'm going to pass out. I better slow down. I was that winded. A murder on the dance floor. Yeah. Thank God I do cardio because I was like,

Oh yeah, you'd be like, you'd be, you probably would pass out. Heat exhaustion, dehydration. I'm trying to kick higher than I can. So I'm like, I'm trying to like, and I'm like the knee pops off, you know, like it was. What kind of shoe you got on? Heels. Are you fucking kidding me? Heels, honey. Why? Well, I have my little pumps on. I have reveals. There's costume reveals. Okay, but why the heels behind the booth? Well, behind the decks, I hold up a pair of pink Crocs and everyone cheers. Okay. And then I held up my pumps. I thought they'll probably want me to stay in the pumps. Okay.

You let them decide? And then they clap for the pumps. Then I hold up the Crocs. They scream. Then I hold the pumps. Then silent. They want the Crocs. They want the Crocs. They want the comfort. They want runway walks in Crocs. They want comfort in casual coolness. Yeah. So then I put the heels on the table. I put the Croc on and lift the leg up and they go wild. They love the Croc.

They love it. They can't get enough of the croc. Because you know what though? If you're going to a dance party, I love a fun shoe. Get something you can move in. Get something you can move in. Mary. Okay. Please. Pop divas. I know. I understand that the line of the high heel is very seductive, whatever, whatever, blah, blah, blah. I want to go back to like, what is it? 2000, late nineties or whatever. When Britney was doing her thing in sneakers. Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop.

Sneakers. Flat shoes. Sneakers. Yeah. She could really move around. Yeah. I don't want anybody hobbling around in these heels. It's not good for you. I think it's not good for you. Some people wear, Billie Eilish is going to wear sneakers. Okay, good. I think Normani has sneakers on in that one video. Okay, we got to get Beyonce on board though. With the sneakers? Yes. We got to get Beyonce on board. Let's get her a croc. Well, she's already almost there. She's doing a little go-go booty.

With like a little fur, like that homecoming. Like Tyra, sneak on say. What's your favorite sneaker? Our thread on say. Do your feet hurt? If I were a hoy. I heard you like to take vacations on boats. That is such a crazy bit. She really said, if I were Tolstoy, can you do a Russian accent? Ah!

Unhinged. Mary. I don't think she ever did an interview again after that. Well, we shouldn't judge the Tyra show today the way based on the lenses of today because you're going to be disappointed. If you go back and watch like Top Model and you go with the lenses of today, you will be disappointed. I don't think. They dress like homeless people for a shoot. Oh, no, no, no. I was just going to say disappointed. You'll be shocked. Shocked. Shocked. Yeah. Yeah.

Tyra, I mean, in her talk show, she put on a fat suit to see how it... I mean, I remember watching that. I was like, this is wild.

Yeah, and if you drag somebody online for, like, Tyra for some shit they did, what, three decades ago, it's not the serve you think it is, because guess what? We all agree it's whack. Right. You're not, like, it's not a hot take. Right, then you gotta come for Gwynny in her shallow howl fat suit. You know what I mean? Did you see at that trial when she won, she stopped by and put her hand on the guy's shoulder and said, I wish you the best. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Classy! Because they wasted her time. She was a class act.

Naomi Campbell when she's like I don't even want to be here I'm made to be here honestly I'm made to be here this is a complete waste of time yeah that was so fierce serve she was she was I thought she looked yeah of course like that was at stake I think she's gonna her dumpy frumpy though is a serve I know there was no way that wasn't gonna turn out for her I

I know. Speaking of dumpy frumpy, I got a PRP. Is it platelet-rich plasma or is it plasma resurfacing? What does it stand for? It's basically microneedling. That's why my face looks like this. Let's get up in the camera. Yeah, get up in the gig. Have it. You can see my skin bounces back pretty fast. He goes, wow, your skin is not sensitive at all. And I said, well, you should see what I do to it every other day. Every day. Every day. I'm used to shaving. By the way, my facial hair has been coming in stronger recently.

When I shave every day now. No, it's not the tea. I'm putting makeup over scabs. I know. No, mama. I know. Scabs. It's nothing like doing the fresh shave down, then another shave up and then having to smash foundation into blood. And for what? Blood just to look like a girl. And for what? Like a woman. So someone can fuck my titties. Some fucking teenage girl from Ohio can think I'm pretty. For what, Mary? For what?

You know what else though? I picked- Wait, wait. So you said that wasn't the plasma this time. Oh yeah. This time it was entourage, which normally they take my blood, they spin it, they separate the plasma. And they basically, the way the facial works is they wound your face with needles all over. They wound, they get your body to go into, oh, we need to repair this wound mode on your face. And then they splash the plasma on there. And they massage your own plasma into it so that it comes back younger, tighter, fresher. Yeah.

This time, instead of using my plasma and having to take my blood, they used entourage, which is a stem cell. A stool sample. They spin the stool, right? And they separate the diarrhea from the solids. Yeah, sorry. Ross, shit on my face. That's what happened. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They used entourage, which he said does the same thing, but you don't have to take the blood. And I hate having to take the blood. I hate that more than facial. Really? Yeah, I hate it. Why? It's just a needle. I don't know. I mean, yeah. Do you look or do you look away?

Of course. Of course what? I'm not watching. I know. I look away too. You have to look away. I know. I know. Because of course I say like, I can handle it, but I bet you I'm one of those people. It's like, anyway, how was your week? Because people do just get flued out. They get flued out. Flued out. All expenses is paid for. They get flued out of their body.

They get flewed out. They pass out. I get passed out. The Spanish flu. So it hurts. But, you know, after we've been touring since March and you need a few days, I need a tune up, honey. And you need a few days off makeup to do it. Yeah. I haven't had four days off makeup since March of last year. So I just, I was supposed to do YouTube with Brittany Broski yesterday and I texted her. I said, I'm going to do it.

I have to take off and I have to get my face fucking needle. I'm so sorry. I know that the nurse that I saw, she has, she's 47, Lori Ottinger, RN.

47 years old, her skin looks like a baby's ass. A baby? Like a baby's ass. My skin guy, Ross, I don't want to, well, maybe Ross Callahan. Sure, he's amazing. Skincare whiz on Instagram. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was talking about his skin and he just looks like a Ken doll. Of course, his face is, if you do skin for a living, you're going to look turnt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he goes, yeah, I got it. He says, it didn't do much because there's not really left to improve.

And he meant it like I've improved my skin to the point of it is what it is, Mary. Yeah. And it wasn't bragging. It was more like you're going to see more results than me because my skin was already there. Because I was already that girl. That girl. And you're not that type of girl. You're an old maiden type of girl. And he was honest and he was right. I mean, he's poreless. And I looked like a kitchen sponge with lashes on. You looked like, yeah. Oh, yeah. You looked like a...

Well, do you feel, does it tight, so tight that it feels like your skin is like a drum? Right now it feels like a sunburn. Oh, really? Everything feels like tight and dry. Do they give you a little, oh, he wasn't plasma. The first day you're not allowed to do anything. The first day you're not allowed to do anything. What do you mean? Not wash your face, not anything. Right. The second day you're allowed to do Evian spray. Let's take a break.

The Bald and the Beautiful is supported by FX's English Teacher. From Paul Sims, the executive producer that brought you What We Do in the Shadows, FX's English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school.

I cannot wait to see this amazing new show with the preternaturally hysterical Brian Jordan Alvarez. It's from the producer of one of the greatest TV shows of all time. And can I let you in on a little secret? A certain Miss Trixie Mattel makes a guest appearance on the show and whoa, it is a sight to behold. Take it from me, a connoisseur of quality television programming. You do not want to miss this show. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

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Because when it comes to getting the most out of your home, you can do this when you Angie that. Download the free Angie mobile app today or visit Angie.com. That's A-N-G-I dot com. Remember in Triangle of Sadness when they're eating this? No, but I do remember when the woman is pissing, no, shitting, pissing, and puking on the floor at the same time rolling around from side to side. I thought of you. The Russian lady. I thought of you. That was me, mama. I thought of you. I was the stunt double. I did a pro bono. I watched that on the plane. I loved that. That scene in particular, I loved it.

I thought it was very your tea. Oh, I loved. Yeah. Did you like that movie? It was kind of plotless, a little meandering, entirely meandering. Yeah. There's two separate movies. I kept waiting for some massive payoff. Yeah. Love the ship sinking. I love rich people going down. Of course. It's like, it's a critique on wealth and like, whatever. Um, but like, no, no, woman dies.

Yeah. Wait, which one? The woman with the shit and piss and the puke. Oh yeah, she does. She goes, yeah. Yeah. Did you love, I love the scene where the woman's like, one for you, one for me. And she's like, no, no mama, I'm the captain here. There I clean toilets. Here, I'm the captain. Because I know how to fish. Who's the captain? It was Sickney. It was Sickney. And that guy eating her pussy for shrimp? Oh yes. He was the little, oh lover boy. You want a little fish stick? Yeah, eating pussy for soft shell crab. Yeah.

Love it. Crab Rangoon. Yeah. Yeah. I loved it. I didn't love the movie. It was fine. Yeah. I mean, it was kind of like a mood piece. It was one of those movies where I know that I'm supposed to like this, but I don't like this quality of film. You don't have to like anything. You don't have to like anything. Because I feel like some of the prestige films, I'm like, I see what you're trying to do here. That's the problem. I'm like...

I'm not gonna I'm not gonna flood to the cinema to watch tar that's not gonna happen for me So I'm over here see and I'm over here watching Transformers. You don't mean yeah, yeah, that's my low-level IQ Okay, I tried to watch after Sun cuz got great glowing reviews of that beautiful Paul Mescal mama Snooze-a-rama who's Paul Mescal this gorgeous lovely actor who was nominated for an Oscar you better believe ten minutes into this program I was

snooze-a-rama i was out like and i tried it and i tried and i thought this is deadly boring yeah something wrong with me is this dead is this deadly boring last night i watched paramount activity the original yeah i just got a hankering to watch it okay is it good a lot of footage though things shaking it's very scary i think that movie's so scary who is the is it a ghost well it's all like um the point of the movie is it's like you're watching uh home footage of

This guy starts filming when his wife starts getting haunted. Okay. Because, and basically it is scary. It scares me every time I watch it. Okay. But David didn't want me to watch it because David is scared of the ghosts in our house. Oh, for Christ's sake. Well, the other night I saw one. Okay.

What? So you don't have sensitivity. Yes, I do. You can all make fun of me. I don't care. Whatever. Listen, I'm going to treat this like it's 100% fact. Tell me. But sometimes I know stuff. All right. I'm going to say it was like an imprint. Okay. It wasn't like an outline of a person. It was like I know some things there. Like you saw the butt print on the chair. No, it wasn't like a movie where it was like a handprint there. It wasn't the sixth sense. No, no, no. We're not doing that. I'm not Shyamalan. We're doing real. Okay. I'm in bed the other night.

And I'm in Jane Eyre and you could say oh, yeah, you were probably dozing off sure But no, I woke up I looked over and I just went and I looked in the doorway It's from a sleep woke up and looked in the doorway and David goes. What is it? And I said you don't want to know because he's scared. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I would guess what is it? I said, I'll tell you tomorrow because you don't want to know well, that's not very helpful and then he went back to sleep and the next day he's like what did what was it and I said it was a guy in our house and

what did he look like long dark hair about here with a mustache and a little goatee oh i don't like that i said he was just in the doorway i said i wasn't scared but i saw him and that's it are you serious so then i said it's fine i said i wasn't scared i said it just scared me because it's a i said

He's like, you saw it? And I said, it's not like I saw it, but I knew what I was looking at. It was like, oh, that's right there. And I know what the person looks like. Have you ever had sleep paralysis? No. No. No. I wasn't paralyzed. I was sitting up watching. No, I'm just saying. Yeah. I sat up and went. Yeah. And as soon as I sat up and went, I saw it. And he goes, what is it? And I was like, you don't want to know. So now he doesn't want me watching ghost stuff in our house because he thinks too bad. I just watched the movie Ghost the other day.

Otome Brown. You want to kiss my butt? Sam, Sam, wait. I signed the wrong name. That scene in the bank, it's brilliant. Brilliant. Yeah, brilliant. Didn't she leave The View? Isn't she done now? She won an Oscar for that role, I believe. She deserved it. Best supporting actress. She deserved it. She ate and shat all over that role. Amazing. Yeah. Demi Moore, lovely, but she did a good job. She did a good job. But damn.

Tony, I would fuck that Carl. Carl, the friend, the villain. I would fuck that man the way I would fuck him. The way that I would take that villainous dick and shove it right up my posse. Really? Yeah. You think those things are scary, the shadows that grab them? Not at all. Not at all. Not at all. A little cheesy on the effects, but hey, it was the 90s. Or the 80s. It's a very sad movie. It's very sad. At the end when she says bye to him. Yeah. It's very sad. It's very sad. Very jealous. Very sad.

Wait, do you remember the train hopper? Get off my train.

Just one drag. That's me. That's me. Why are you hounding? Oh, so good. Why are you hounding me? So good. Oh, and then Barbarian, of course, we watch it again. You watch it again? Yeah. Do you love the tea? Do you like when she's like, she wants you to drink? Yeah, drink it. You're a beer baby. Would you have drank it? I would have sucked that nasty titty. Yeah, of course.

What are you going to do? Throw up? Do you know how long it took me to understand that the flashbacks were flashbacks? How long? A lot of the movie. Really? What did you think they were? I thought it was something mystical like, oh, no one else sees this neighborhood for what it is. Oh, okay. Shitty neighborhood. And it took me later. I was like, oh, this time has gone by.

I mean, you know. Yeah, love it. She was fierce. I mean, spoilers. We already talked about this movie, but that first sort of vignette, it is set up so well and then bam, bam, bam, bam. Very scary. And then jam. Yeah. And the Pennywise guy. Oh, yeah. Yeah. What a lovely film. Yeah, it was a lot. I went through a lot on tour as far as people holding up phones with words on them.

Oh, DJ requests. Requests, but also comments, concerns, local references. The weather. Yeah, stop doing that. Barometric pressure. I'll tell you what. Dewpoint. You can all put me in jail. I'm not playing your song.

No, that's your whole job is to select the songs. You don't need any help. And also, I brought these songs on this flash drive. Yeah. This is what I have. Yeah. This is what I have. Yeah. We're not playing let loose. No. We're not. It's not a John Cage improvisational structure. Yeah. And of course, it's like, oh, can you play the Rusical from season 10? What? What?

Yeah, people ask, people request the Hot Pockets commercial. Go get out of here. I brought this VCR of a Hot Pockets commercial. This is a fucking faggot event. It's not Build-A-Bear Mama. Get the fuck out of here. It's not a collage. We're not in kindergarten. It's not interpretive art. It's not collaborative. Oh, speaking of which, guess what I did? I did a talk in my alma mater. Oh, wait a minute. You went to Boston? Yeah, I went to Boston. Last week? Yeah, last weekend. What happened? Oh my God, it was wild.

So alma mater, I just figured out means nourishing mother, by the way. And so I went to my old department. They had like an event. And I got up on stage and I did. You were the nourishing mother. And then I made them all suck from my gray tit. Yeah. No, but it was cool. One of my old professors did a Q&A with me and they just chatted.

with, um, it was so fun. I got to see all my old, um, what kind of questions did they ask? They asked like, um, how did you get your legs so long? Um, um,

Yes, they did. They want to fuck me? I talked about you. They want to fuck me? Yeah, they pretty much all want to fuck you, but they're too afraid of what it might do to them. Be you. No, no, this is mass art. Oh, mass art. Yeah. And then I got to hang out with an old girlfriend. It was just lovely. We went out to dinner. It was a whole thing. It was a whole Boston thing. It was lovely. Do you like to go back to Boston and visit? For these little tiny little nuggets? Yeah. But it's cold, bitch. Girl. It's cold and nasty and rotten. I know.

I know. You know what though? Not to be. I'm ready for this shit to end. What? This gloomy, gloomy, gloomy. Yeah. I think I have water damage in my house. I do too. I can't stand it. I have it in the first floor. What am I supposed to do? You have to bulldoze the whole thing. Got to move. David said, go out to the guest house and try to open the door.

Yeah. And I said, he said, the thing, the floor is warped. Great. The floor is warped in my bathroom and then downstairs in my little gym. It sounds so bougie. It's all, I think there's mold mama. M O L D. You've had a good run though. Let the black mold in. That's why I go down there and I, I just scrape some off and I put on my Cheerios in the morning. But is this the area where you pissed yourself on purpose? Um, no. Okay. Different area. Yeah. I don't mama. I'm gross, but I don't mix piss and mold. I'm not an animal. Okay. Okay.

Let's get that right. That would be disgusting. That would be disgusting. Yeah. Hold on. Hold up. Oh, my face. It's starting to itch. Oh, don't touch it. It's in like the itching phase. You're not allowed to put in like a little. Yeah. Missed it. Missed it, mama. Missed it. Misty. Misty May. You know what else? What? I think Vanity's been really open about her. Her what? She got a little. Oh, yeah. Her BBL. Her lipo.

Her surge. Her sex change. What are you talking about? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. What do you mean? What's the point here? The envy. Because she's so snatched. Mama. She looks. Her in these little Barbie outfits. She puts on a little shaper. Just a little. Just a little shaper. No, for real. And I think it's time we talk about Kevin. We need to talk about Kevin. Do you know something? I want to tell you really quick. After we take a break. Uh-huh.

Have you been keeping up with Drag Race at all? Not at all. Not at all. I did a podcast the other day where I had to watch the Tic Tac Luncheon. Oh, yeah. I can't believe there's still a lot to do the Tic Tac Luncheon. Oh, right. Because it's eating disorder. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, there's got to be some, you have to preserve some level of like whimsy or irony or like something in that show. It can't all be like, let's all hug each other and think about God's light. Yeah. You know what I mean? Right. Speaking of Tic Tac Luncheon. Yeah. Tic Tac Luncheon.

- You wanna get lipo? - Yeah. - Okay, let's talk this through. - But it's genetics, Mary. I'm the only person who, even when I was running the marathon, my fucking thighs were touching. - No, no, no, no, no, no. I think that you should explore it. And I'm like, I would never change my body for drag. Bitch, I'm in drag fucking five days a week. If I have some opportunity to shrink my middle so that I don't have to fucking every day,

I mean, I'm not enthusiastic about it, but I'm like this level of corseting and stuff for what? Perceivably 20 more years. I'm like, this is crazy. What's worse for me? Like corseting. I mean, I don't have, and this is horrible. This is my own damage. I don't have a high level of respect for ultimate surging. Why do you think? Why? Well, I always just feel like with body changing, there's the natural way to do everything like diet, exercise, whatever. Natural.

What does that even mean? I know what you mean. It's free. It's good for you. But I mean, watching. And I'm like, God, if I was Vanity and I could just put on a little and have that shape, that would be great for me. What if you were Reba? I never think about changing my face, really. No. Okay. Because you're painting a mask on. Yeah. And also nothing about what I do to my face hurts me. Having to do this all the time hurts. It hurts. It hurts. I know. I know. Listen, I haven't worn a corset since halfway through our tour. Couldn't do it.

Even if I have to give pig in a blanket from the side, I don't care. It's not worth it. It's like the quality of life when I transitioned from that corset to no corset was so dramatic. And it wasn't even that much of a change. Well, in order to see the difference, you really have to. You got to yank that thing. And then it's so painful. And I'm supposed to wiggle and move and gyrate and undulate.

I think you should go get lipo tomorrow. And I'm going to take you to the doctor. I just fear like, you know. Being too hot, fly, and sexy that people want to fuck you all the time. When you remove the fat cells, right? And then over time you gain weight. You'll gain everywhere but there. Yeah, but we're not gaining that back. And then I'm going to be an old man with an hourglass shape, which I think could be whack. No, we're not gaining weight back. We're not gaining weight back. Is there a way to get, you know, people go like, I just want a little. But they mean a lot. Is there a way to actually get a little fat?

Yeah, but I don't need full body weight loss. I just want this to go away. And I think that's... This is like the thinnest I've ever been. Call the doctors this more. Yeah.

Talk about lipo. And I'm not talking about anybody else's bodies. I'm allowed to talk about my own body. We're allowed to talk about our own bodies. Come on. I've had Botox. I've had fucking gel put into my lips. You know, I've had my asshole darkened, bleached and then darkened again. You know? Yeah. Hair put on. Hair plugs around the hole. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They take, that's why I only have half an eyebrow because the other half is like around my asshole. Or I'm going to have to get on testosterone. No. See, that's something I really don't think you should do. Well, the problem with getting on hormones is,

Your body adjusts to them and you're pretty much beholden to them. Cause you ever stopped taking them? Your body's shocked. Yeah. Cause you're like, your body's like, we haven't made these in years. What do you want us to do about it? I think that, well, I know that if you start taking testosterone, we're going to be filming at wow. And you're going to beat me up. I hope so. And I'm going to like it. I'm going to punch you in the mouth though. And then the lips are bigger. Oh, okay. Now we're talking. Now we're talking. I'm going to, I'm going to squeeze your little love handles and give you some good old fashioned. We should start doing like Victorian makeup of like,

A pinprick of blood and then blush or like pinching the lips, pinching the cheeks. Yeah. And then biting, like biting the lips to get bloody for lipstick. Basically just a lot of blood. A lot of blood. And then maybe some lead paint. But I'm scared of surgeries. Me too, Mary. And I have to go get one in three weeks. Two weeks.

It's time. Two and a half weeks. Oh, by the time this comes out, I might have already had my hip replaced. Well, do you want to tell people what shows you're not going to be able to go to? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm very sorry to say that I will not be going to Australia for Drag Expo. I had to cancel because I needed to get this thing dealt with pronto. Because not only is like... So I did a gig yesterday, a seated gig in drag. Oh, it's so painful. Just...

sitting with my legs crossed god in drag and like walking is not like really a thing especially not in heels so it was just miserable and um it just it just needs to come out there's no cartilage there's no cartilage whatsoever but that surgeon is so fucking hot he's so hot i want him to just do you know what sometimes when they do surgeries they forget instruments inside the person's body oh yeah

You wake up with a speculum. I just have a pain right here. Oh, forceps. Yeah. Those are my aunts. Sorry. Sorry.

love that yeah i mean you're also we are not doing bald in the beautiful yeah and then la yes because i thought listen i thought it might be cute because you know sometimes the recovery on the surgery is not so bad i mean i could be up and doing karate in four days who knows but um just to be back on the streets yeah yeah i gotta pound the pavement i gotta do my beat i gotta i gotta do my beat but uh i was thinking about doing it in a walker wheelchair but i thought it's a little bit

Kind of distasteful. I don't know. It's just weird. And then Milwaukee. Milwaukee, unfortunately. You know, though, we got somebody instead of you. That's kind of a serve. Miss Cracker. Alaska. Oh, that's fantastic. She's great. She's going to, you know, bring it. Oh, yeah. Unlike some people. Some people. So I called Alaska personally and I said, I don't know if you've talked to Katya, but she's been going through a lot with and thank you for like jumping on because she's

The fans, it's an 18 plus night. The fans won't be disappointed. They love Alaska. She's so fabulous. She was at the gig yesterday. It was very fun. But people love to see you. And I was like, how are we going to find somebody like that? They're that excited about. And luckily Alaska's. Yeah. Jumping in. That's, that's wonderful. Thank you, Alaska. Thank you, Alaska for doing what she couldn't. Now, when's your, are you, could we do the pod? Could I come to you and do the pod? Are you kidding me? Yes. I hope there's a drainage tube somehow, somewhere.

you want to change my staples i've been seeing a lot of pictures of people getting ffs facial feminization surgery that recovery because it's full face oh that's something these poor women are these poor women are

bloodied, bruised, swollen. Your whole head looks like a beat. It's pumpkin head. It's crazy. My heart goes out to that process because you're like, I just want to look beautiful. So that fascinates me too because you see that after surgery, the next day it's like, how do you trust yourself?

that the swelling will go down gradually enough where your more beautiful self will be revealed like a sculpture. - You hope. - And you just have to wait sometimes a month or more. A month. Is that my dog? - This is my neighbor. - That bitch. - The neighbor who says that I make noise with my no dogs and barely hear. I hate neighbors. - Do you want me to go pee around? - I have a pet peeve about if you move into an apartment, a condo, a living complex,

you're going to always hear someone. Yeah. You cannot, if the only way to have that happen is to live in an empty building. Now you love to walk your beat. Now that you live up the hill,

Do you walk up and down that street? I certainly don't. Yeah. You're going to get hit by a car. Thank you. Just today. I mean, I won't bore you with the details, but it was wilding out with Nick Cannon today. Everybody was just wilding. I was like NASCAR. They were doing the Indy 500. They're doing, you know, gorillas on the mist. I have my little backyard. I go up and down the stairs.

I'll go up and down the stairs. Of course, my poor little hip can't take much more than that. That's right. What am I asking? If you're walking the beat, you can't even walk. And driving is tough because of the flexion on my right. It's a real sad, sad story. It's not exactly a walkable neighborhood. Like those Hollywood Hills, do you want to get struck by a vehicle? Walk through those hills. I cannot. Every day I am dumbstruck that there is not littered with corpses on those streets. Because, no, seriously. That's just from you. Mama, I...

The other day I was driving home at like 2 p.m. And there were like three separate people were in the middle of the road talking to a truck or a car in the middle of the road, gabbing, gabbing. And when I pulled up to them, they acted like I had just barged into their living room and had interrupted them having sex.

I was like, what is the level of entitlement happening here? You're in the middle of the road. Get the fuck out of here. You're in the middle of the road. You're in the middle of the road and you're glaring at me. And you know how they say like most car accidents happen like within a mile of the home or whatever. People who live up in those hills are used to driving.

I have ridden with people who live up there. It's Cruella de Vil. Mama. Eyes blazing. Yeah, it's Mad Max Fury Road. They're spraying their teeth with silver and they're just careening around those corners. It's gross. Doesn't Charlize have no arm in that? I think she does lose an arm. I ran into Charlize's PR person, I believe. Get out of here, Charlize Africa. Charlize Theron. Yeah. And she loves Trixie Katya.

Wait, I know that. Yeah. How do I know that? I don't know. I think maybe you just told me. Maybe I just told you. That's how you found out. I think that's great. I had a lovely... Oh, Andrew went to a party with her. She's very cool. She's one of the girls. I'm assuming she's one of the girls. Very cool. Yeah. She's a good time gal. I went to dinner the other night with...

You have a lot of famous friends now. I feel very left out. Well, I feel like every time I tell a cool story, then I'm name dropping. But don't you guys want to know about Dinner with Sia? So then whatever. I want you to throw all the names on the ground. Just maybe also invite me every once in a while.

I know. You know, I like, you know, I'm dying to see what Lisa Vanderpump's rug tastes like. You know, I want to go and see. You want to feed the swans. I want to feed the swans. Yeah. I want to like scoop some poisonous water out of that moat and splash it on somebody's face. You know, swans are, I know a little bit about birds. Swans can be prone to aggression. Yeah, they're nasty. Nasty, rude. Even if I own them, I'd be a little scared of them. No, that's why they're in a moat. They're big. Yeah, they're big and they're ornery. And when like, when you get out of your car and you walk by them, they are a little like,

Yeah. What the fuck do you want, bitch? Exactly. They're like, this is my little circle, bitch. Yeah. That's their beat. Hello. And that shit. Right. That shit that gets all up in the crooks of your sneaker. Yeah. One of Sia's neighbors is somebody that, thank God this person didn't come to dinner. Johnny Depp. Steve Carell.

because i would have lost my mind oh you would have had an anger because you know how i feel about the office you would have squirted blood out of your eyeballs do you know how horrible it is for someone who what office was what 15 20 years ago now do you know how horrible it is for someone like me to launch into a i'm sorry i don't think it's that horrible i would flip out and he would be like yeah

Thank you. Thank you. And I'd be like, I don't know. Like I would be gushing. I love the office so much. I mean, so much people who become actors are not necessarily doing it because they hate being loved or admired or adored or fond over. You know what I mean? It's not like you're having dinner with OJ Simpson. You're like, Oh my God, I can't believe you killed your ex wife. You know what I mean? Like we talk about naked gun. Oh, that's true. I'm going to have a murder. Who's Leslie Nielsen? Like, um,

Oh, Leslie Nielsen. My old, I think I told you this. My old roommate had, no, my old roommate had a picture with Leslie Nielsen. I had a picture of him that he used to write Leslie Nielsen fan letters when he was a kid. And Leslie Nielsen sent him an eight by 10 that said like, keep laughing, Leslie Nielsen. And we had it framed in our house. Leslie. And he was like, if our house ever started on fire, that'd be the only thing I'd grab. That's great. Yeah. You know, I have a thing from Jodie Foster.

Fun. I just got a good one. What? I just got it from Nev, an 8x10 from Nev Campbell that says, Trixie, don't fuck with the original, Nev Campbell. And I think for Halloween, I'm going to put it out with like candles, like a shrine. I'll be ghost-faced and I'll come in and I'll chop you up. Did you finally see the new Scream? Mary! I don't want to watch it. It's so good. I don't believe you. Mary, you sit down and watch these Oscar bait movies, but you'll watch something actually good. I try to watch The Whale.

I couldn't do it. I can't. I watched the whale. Have you watched the whale? I watched all of it. I watched it on the plane to Australia and I watched it like this. I can't believe you watched that fucking mess. All of it. I'm very impressed. I'm very impressed. I have thoughts. Well, how far did you get in? About 15 minutes max. Well, it opens with the jerking off. So he was jerking off. I paused the film. I had to shut the door to that spiritual realm once he was out.

imploring the missionary to recite something as a calming mechanism. Just read it. Just read it. Read it. And he's like, okay, fried wontons and pork fried rice is like reading a Chinese food menu or something or whatever. In the beginning of the movie, we don't know what he's reading. It's an essay. It's a bad essay from his daughter or something, right? But we don't know it's from his daughter. We don't even know he's a teacher by that point. We're like,

We're like, what does he do? Yes, we do. He's on the Zoom. Oh, we do. Yeah, he's on the Zoom. He's teaching on the Zoom. By the way, I love this scene where he reveals himself on the camera and all the students start taking pictures and they all look shocked. Like they've never seen a fat person before. Right. Maybe it's because I'm from the Midwest. I'm like, he wasn't that fat. There's a lot of great big fat people. I'll say I think he played...

Like that to the level of dying, the constant respiration, the constant sweating. The whole movie you're like, oh, he's on death's door. He's sick. He's sick. He was a grotesque, pathetic character that you were supposed to be repulsed by. I just thought it was so unnecessary. Well, this is the other problem. It was a fine movie.

It was fine. I laughed a few times when I shouldn't have laughed. I laughed and he goes, I want to have done something in my life. I laughed. I laughed at that in the trailer because I was like, okay, Oscar nomination. Here we go. That's the problem. I said to David Silver yesterday, I said, Oscar nomination, what?

I think right. Put a fat suit on them, give them brown teeth, make them ugly cry, and there's your Oscar. That's what I don't like about it. No, it's so craven. And it's so like they say it's her year. Do you know what I mean? Of course. It's so that.

And you know what? The thing that I'm so surprised that people can't like consistently and you can tell these actors really buy into the bullshit. They really, really buy into the bullshit. And I'm not even saying he's not a good actor. No, no. I mean, either. I'm just saying this is the movie. And I know this is the Oscar movie. I know. I know. But like when Julia Roberts won the Oscar, bitch. Yeah. But

but they'll do the Oscar. We should have gave you the Oscar, you know, five years ago. So, but you were in a movie this year, so we're going to do it now. Well, he also a few years ago, and this is like, he did a very open interview about sexual assault that he experienced in the industry. Yeah. And so we're, we know that the industry has done him horribly wrong. Yeah. As they have many actors. Yeah. But it was just like,

This isn't the movie. Although Miss Hong Chow. Miss Hong Chow always turns it off before later when she has her like. Yeah. Well, I would rather see Miss Chow in anything else. Watch Spin. You know. I watched that again in Australia, the whole series. So she was in, you watched the whole series again? Again. It's only eight episodes. That's true. Ripped through it. Or maybe it's nine. So good. I find something new every time. It's so fucking good.

She later has an interview. She talks to the missionary later in the movie about... You find out who she is. She's a nurse. Yeah. But she's like... She's the sister of the former lover, right? Yeah. And the former lover killed himself because he joined that church. So the person proselytizing is from the exact church that made this guy so depressed and gay. Oh, wow. So this is a real feel-good film. It's a very...

You didn't see the ending. He goes into heaven. He walks towards the light. She stands there and reads her essay. Sadie Sink. Sadie Sink, who's so mean to him the whole movie. I mean, I understand that whatever, that's your dad. I don't get into...

what now you're my dad where have you been I never buy into that like people being shitty if he really is a stranger then you shouldn't be so shitty to him like you know what that's a really good point that's a really good point I don't buy into like and where were you dad yeah although there's one part where she calls him a faggot which I think is pretty fierce that's cool I love when Justin Long says I'm barbarian what's up faggot love it love it

I love a barbarian when he's on the internet and he goes, yeah, hell yeah, bitch. So funny. Justin Long is an icon. He really is. He should have been in The Whale. Did you see Tusk? No, that's something. Honey, baby, that's up your aisle. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. So give me a little morsel. Give me something to go, give me a little worm on the hook. There's a guy who- Okay, stop me. I'll stop you right there. I don't want to know anything.

I'm going to go into it. Yeah. Cause I heard you got to watch it. It's fucking crazy. It's really good. It's I'm not saying it's good. I'm saying you'll like it. It's Elizabeth shoe in it. I don't remember who's in it. Justin long. Oh, is it?

Oh, I think it is Elizabeth. No. Well, he has a girlfriend. I don't remember who it is. You fuck with yellow jackets? Of course. I only watched the first episode of the new season though. Okay. I'm up to only on end two. It opened with that Sharon Bennett and song 17, which I, that's my goon. That's my stand on a rooftop and smoke and cry song. I don't even smoke and I can't get on my roof. It's great that those girls are turnting the party. Yeah. They're turnting it. Juliette Lewis. Yeah. Eat it.

Christina Ricci. Reaching. Yeah. Eat it. Her talking to that parrot. Uh-huh. Eat it. I only saw episode one though. It's good. I've only seen it. She ate that ear. Yeah. She sure did. Miss Jackie. Love that we get Jackie beyond the grave as like visions. Yeah. Love. Wait to see what happens with Miss Little Dead Jackie in the next episode. Jackie. She can get fucked.

I'm not saying a word. I knew they were going to fuck the dead body. Yeah. Jackie, last night in LA, they did a stage reading of Jennifer's Body. Oh, I just watched that recently for the first time. Did you like it? Yeah, I thought it was fun. It was like a clueless horror movie. The girl who plays Jackie in the stage reading played Needy. Amanda Seyfried's character. And the girl from...

Oh, Rachel Sennett from Bodies, Bodies, Bodies played Jennifer in the stage reading. David went to it last night. He said it was good. What happened to Jennifer Fox or Jennifer? Megan Fox. Megan Fox. She didn't want to come back for the stage reading, I'm sure. No, no, no. I mean, just in general. She's with Machine Gun Kelly. She's vibing. But he just cheated on her or something. I think she has enough money. Okay, okay. People get that rich and they're just like, whatever. I guess so, yeah. I mean, it's so sexist and stupid of me to assume that a woman's so beautiful, whatever, she'll not want to be in the public eye because she is truly beautiful.

Stunning. So beautiful. I know. Like otherworldly Gorgie. Is she from the Midwest? She kind of has a Midwest accent. I don't know. When she says Megan. Her name is Megan, but she goes Megan. I don't know. I don't know. I really have a hard time with the name Megan. Megan. What's your preferred spelling? Is it like an M-E-G-H-A-N? Who's doing the H? Some people are doing the H. Try hard, bitches.

Try hard bitches. What about M-E-G-Y-N? M-E-I-G-H-G-E-H-N. Megan. M-A-Y hyphen G-H-Y-N-N-E. Totally. Megan. Yeah. McGeen. Did you see Megan? I sure didn't. We already talked about it. We did? Okay. Yeah. Megan 2 is coming up and it's all animatronic dogs. No, it's not. No, it's not. I've been watching Will & Grace. Will & Grace.

Just like something to put on. I like to put something on while I do my makeup. I like to put TV shows on. Golden Grace is so good. Yeah. I mean, I know it's gay and I know it's a little like try hard millennial to like, like something that old. Yeah. Karen Walker is fabulous though. So fabulous. Yeah. And Miss Sean Hayes. Oh, she's, she's so, she eats. She comes in every episode. I believe she wasn't even out. Like, I don't think she was allowed to be out. Okay. Which is so interesting. And then Eric McCormick's not gay, which is amazing. Yeah. And,

What's her name? Who plays Grace? Debra Messing. Debra Messing is amazing. Yeah.

She's really good at that character. So good. They're all good. It's just flawless. I mean, I'm on season three. We haven't even gotten to Beverly Leslie yet. But when Leslie Jordan comes on, it gets crazier. And then Brian Jordan Alvarez, right? He's in the reboot. Oh, he's in the reboot. Okay. Yeah. And who else? Minnie Driver's in it. Minnie Driver? Yeah. And then I think Natasha Lyonne. Molly Shannon. Oh, man. It's like their crazy neighbor.

The show's so good. Molly Shannon is so fierce. In the first episode of the show, Divorced on HBO, she eats that entire fucking thing. She chomps on Sarah Jessica Parker's heels, her shins, her knees, her little bony legs, her hair, everything. She eats up the whole scene. It's so fabulous. I did a show once with a drag queen named Sarah. No, her name was Jurassic Caparca. It's a reach, right? It's Christina Ricci. Yeah.

Well, I think that's all we have for today. Would you like to tell them where you can find some lovely skin products to use? Well, go over to Evian because that's all I'm, you know. Yeah. Oh. It's just water. It's just water. A little salty Evian, don't you think? Yeah. My skin just feels tight and sunburned. Yeah. It feels horrible. Yeah. Sorry to hear that. I'm going to get lipo at the same time you get your leg done. Let's go under the knife together. Yeah. Bogo. You'll love my doctor. He's so hot. Yeah.

All right. Bye. Goodbye.