A Hot Masseuse Has Sex with Freddy Krueger with Trixie and Katya
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Hi. Should we talk? I mean, just listen. It's... It's not... It is what it is, bitch. It's not optimal. Is it optimal? No. No, it's not optimal. This is Boo Boo. It's Boo Boo the Fool. Hello, I'm Boo Boo, and this is the Fool. We're over here on the pod. We're in Perth. We're on our third night at the... The fucking legendary Astor Theater right next to the Fat Dragon Chinese restaurant. Girl, not to tell her story because I don't do that, but...

We pulled up in the bus and Kelly got out and said, well, this doesn't look like the theater. We were next door at the Chinese restaurant. And I said, Kelly, this is a restaurant. She said, oh. Also, I have a chair. I share. I wanted to say dressing room, but she's in an office. She's in an office. You're in a broom closet. And you're in a kitchen. Asked her theater. This is what it takes. And this is what it takes. And I heard Kelly in there. Kelly sings Rosa's Turn in the show. And I heard her go, um.

Why did I do it? Like, I heard her just sing that line to herself. And I was like, Kelly, just secretly getting ready. Why did I do it? Third night. This is what it takes. This is what it takes. So we're at. I don't ever want to appear ungrateful. I don't either. However. Unless you want to.

You know what? Every job has its something you complain about. Yeah. Today we are at, for the last three days, we've been in a venue that I won't say was prepared for this show. No, I think they were prepared for, they were booked for some old maiden type of show and they don't possess the vernacular that they need to. They do. Yeah. To be honest, they would have been prepared for our solo shows.

I did a solo show here. Yes, I did as well. Yeah. Sold out. Sold out. Sold out. Pretty much sold out. But it's getting to the point where Eden and I have made a pact. First, it was we can't complain until 5 p.m. And now I pushed it until after the show. And so far, so good. But that would not have been possible on day one. No, I don't do. Yeah, it's tough. Listen, this is the hardest touring year ever for me.

I think. Would you say your solo show was harder than this or easier? Easier. Your solo show was easier? Yes. I was on stage for like 20 minutes. I had like 45 minutes of video. I know. I saw it.

I loved it. If anybody out there did not see Help Me Up, darling. It's not for everybody. It's not for everybody. But this, I'm a lot more, I'm way prouder of this one. Yeah. And I think this is a much better show. It's a lot more work. I was never, I was doing quick changes, but I had to change once in my solo show. It was seven minutes long. Seven minutes long, Mary. Girl, your show, I was like, did she go home? Yeah.

There were some videos in yours that I'm like, she's not even here. She left the theater. I changed at a leisurely pace. And then I had two or three cigarettes. And then I came back and then I probably changed again. And I would just like, and I wandered back on stage for the last bit. It was just. It's really a fashion show. You come out, you show a lovely outfit. You know what? It was like a real drag show where you have all this time to kill between numbers. Oh, no, no, no.

There's no time to kill. This show? Are you kidding me? I wish. Quick changes. Yeah. Quick changes. Yeah. Like those quick, quick, quick changes. But you know what? We have lovely accommodations and it's just the contrast from the accommodations to the stage. That's the thing. It's so wild. We're staying at the Ritz Carlton in Perth. It's the Ritz Carlton. I've never felt so decadent. I think this is the best motel I've ever stayed at. It's so decadent. Besides the Trixie Motel. Yeah.

But as far as like fancy hotels, this is, they knocked on my door. I was doing an interview this morning with Rolling Stone. They knocked on my door at 10 a.m. and delivered a complimentary bottle of Merlot. Are you serious? I said, it's 10 in the morning. And they said, it's complimentary. I said, all right. And then I thought of my daughter, Kelly. And I said, you know what? We're going to need this. I know a woman in need. Give me that Merlot. You got any extra? Hi.

Girl, oh, I drink. Girl, I asked Kelly, I asked Kelly, Kelly, I don't know, do you drink? And she goes, oh, I drink. Like it was a warning. Like, get ready, bitch. Like a floodgate was going to open. She said, you don't know what's about to hit you. I'm fucking laughing.

Because, you know, sometimes when you want a glass of wine and you're responsible like me, you just need an enabler. You need a friend. And on the previous tour, Gabriel the Queen, Gabriel would be like, well, the bottle's half gone. We might as well finish it. I love that. Well, now that's gone. Should we crack open it? And then he's my rollercoaster of emotion. And Kelly's like my, I walked back in her dressing room yesterday and I said, Kelly, let's have a glass of wine. And hers was half gone. And she goes, I don't know who did that. And she was earnest. She said, I don't know who drank that. Delusion.

Screen wipe. New information. Her dressing room by herself with her single bottle of wine. And by the way, on this tour, her rider, if you don't know a rider, is like a, I don't know. What does your rider say? I don't know. I think it just says towels and ensure. I haven't updated it in a while. I think we should do, when we have performers on the show, we should have them bring their riders and we should review their riders.

I bet we have friends who have psychotic writers. Yeah, I think somebody did that on like a cruise once. Like Raja had the most insane writer. No, no, she had the most insane text sheet. It was a text sheet. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But for writers... No, I think mine is like really simple. It's like the ability to get the air temperature below 50 degrees and like probably like popcorn or something. I don't know. I think mine is...

Because, you know, people put things on writers that are weird just to see if they read them. Yeah. Did you know that? Yes, of course. That's why that's where the whole like red M&M thing comes from. Just to see people read it. Just to see if people do it. Because there was only one time I realized that.

I forget what it was. It was like a year ago. There was only one venue that actually fulfilled my whole rider. Yeah. And it was like shocking. It's shocking when they do it. And it's always like a college. Yes. It's never a nightclub that actually books talent. No, never. It's always a college. And they're like... And it's some person who's like coming in sweaty from like the suburbs to get your like, you know, like barbecue ranch Tostitos or something. They're like, oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Yeah. Yeah. It's crazy. It's pretty rough. I...

But I love the... You know what is funny? This is how something is interesting. What is it? I can't wait to hear it. I need to know. So we're staying at the Ritz Carlton, a famously very ritzy hotel, five-star hotel. But if you notice...

If you notice the architecture, the design elements, the furnitures, the cabinets, the fixtures. Of course it is. It's cheap. Fucking boo-boo. There's no... I just saw this incredible Twitter thread about...

The rise of minimalism, not like minimalism, the aesthetic, but as a simplification, a reduction of all detail. I know. Disguised as design elements. It's not a design element. It's disguised as design element. And it's not, oh, I'm a minimalist. No, no, no, no. You have no detail. You're boring. Yeah. Minimalism was a thing. I would say the room, I think we have identical rooms. It's mid-century and it's minimal. Yeah.

Did you say it's the mid-century furniture? Mid-century means nothing anymore now. You know what I mean? Mid-century modern was like- It means West Elm. It means cheap.

We're not just coming for venues anymore. We're coming for furniture. We're coming for five-star hotels. Now that you got this air con unit. Honey. You got nothing to talk about anymore. Now we have to move on to other elements. I want a price tag on this couch. Yeah. No, but I mean, so at this, so I was like gagged when we walked into the hotel because it's the first time I was like, holy shit. Holy shit. It was like, this is so crazy. Walking in the room. It's enormous. The blinds are on a motor. It's a motorized blind. That? It's insane. It's insane. It's crazy. It's crazy.

I pretty much jerk off to that. Yeah. Walking in the room at night and have it open. The shears. It's fierce. Just when you think you can't get any dark, you put the shears and then the blinds. It's fierce. It's so fierce. It's really fierce. But then you walk into the living room. First of all, the hotel has a living room. That's amazing. But the couch...

It's not great. Flop. Flop Tina Bestie. Flop Tina Bestie collection at West Elm. It's horrible. It's horrible. It is. I mean, I don't want to sit on it. I certainly wouldn't buy it for myself or for anybody. Well, that furniture is not made for the home. What's it made for? Commercial spaces. It's not made for your real home.

It's going to be like easier to clean fabric. It's going to be more durable. Throw a plastic over it. Girl, throw it off the cliff. Put some pillows on the floor. You know, hang one of those yoga ropes on the ceiling. I'll just hang upside down from that shit and watch TV. Put a Papa John. It's a Papa John. I think those chairs are called Papa Johns. I think you're right. Hang a Papa John.

The Bald and the Beautiful is supported by FX's English Teacher. From Paul Sims, the executive producer that brought you What We Do in the Shadows, FX's English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school.

I cannot wait to see this amazing new show with the preternaturally hysterical Brian Jordan Alvarez. It's from the producer of one of the greatest TV shows of all time. And can I let you in on a little secret? A certain Miss Trixie Mattel makes a guest appearance on the show and whoa, it is a sight to behold. Take it from me, a connoisseur of quality television programming. You do not want to miss this show. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

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Because when it comes to getting the most out of your home, you can do this when you Angie that. Download the free Angie mobile app today or visit Angie.com. That's A-N-G-I dot com. Speaking of riders, the number of – we got to talk about the number of barbecue chips that are in my room right now. I think Brandon mentioned that I might want barbecue chips. I walked into four full-size barbecue chip bags and I said, okay, Miss Big. Okay, Miss Weight Gain Tour. Okay.

Okay, Miss Barbecue. Miss Fatty Heartbuckle. Yeah, Miss Biggie. Yesterday, somebody at the meet and greet said to us, you look so much thinner in person. Oh my God, your face is a huge on the telly. Our faces are huge on TV. And then he said, we are quote unquote fatties on the telly.

Your fatties on the tilly. So Jesus. I'm trying to be a fatty in real life, bitch. This is your weight gain tour. Let's talk about it. I'm up. I'm up. She's up though. From a Halloween skeleton. She's up from bones. Girl, you're up from Boniva. When you start with just the bones.

You moved from Philadelphia to Dallas Buyers Club. Yeah. I'm trying to get to Detroit. Yeah. No, it's... You're headed to Boys in the Band, bitch. Yeah. I've... I arrived underweight. Oh, I have it. I have my weight log. I log the exact kilo amount, the time, and the date. Just for transparency. Is that public now? Are you going to put that public? Oh, absolutely. Please tell me you're just tweeting it and that's the way you're logging it.

away in every day like a psycho I'm doing it in my notes app which is also I've just I've just learned that having a will your last will and testament in your notes app is not a legally binding document it has to be handwritten or signed it has to be handwritten it has to be notarized and I think a lawyer has to has to handle it yeah but anyways do you have a will

I have a like, well, all my like retirement accounts have a name for a benefactor. Okay. But like if I died, what's in my bank account? I don't know who it would go to. Okay. My house. I don't know who it would go to. Right. Houses. Sorry. I do have four. I technically have four. Holy shit. Who are you? I don't know. I'm me. I'm me. I'm just me. Did you pay for that? Did you pay for that condo in cash? Which condo?

The one I live in or my one in Milwaukee? I'm not being funny. I'm trying to get details. I know. I know. I'm trying to get details. I'm just trying to be clear. I'll tell you, I bought my mom's house cash and I bought my condo Milwaukee cash. But my house in LA, I paid for 60% cash and then my mortgage was very low. My mortgage was only, and this is LA rent money. My mortgage is only $3,000 a month.

That's tiny for a mortgage. That's what I thought. In LA, in LA, in LA. The new place, girl, I'll have to sell David. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. David's moving in and I... Is he gonna... Well, we don't have time. We can talk about it. I have not been in a situation where I bought this house knowing I could pay for it. Yes. So then since I asked him to move in, then I had to go

This is how much mortgage is going to be. Yeah. But anyway, I asked him to move in and then I had to go the sordid topic of coin. It's different for everyone. I was like, Hey, here's what mortgage is going to be. Can you help me at all? And he was like, yeah, of course. Damn. But I was so embarrassed and scared to ask. Cause it felt like I was then being like, will you move in with me and help me with money? I mean, yeah, but come on. It's just, it's this thing you do. It's just something you do. Something you do. Um,

I gotta say about my writer, which I think is just a secure dressing room. Never happens. Never. Ever. Adequate lighting. Never happens. Water. Usually happens. What do you got? 65 bottles of Sample Green over there? When we go to Netflix. I'm in the kitchen. I'm in the kitchen, bitch. This is a Trader Joe's. Yeah, I mean, people are literally coming and going, did it die? Yeah, but it's fine. It's just a GoPro. It's just a GoPro.

Is it still speeding? Yeah. We're going to look so horrible. Good for us. Oh, fuck. We might put this in black and white like Truth or Dare. Yeah, we've got to do it. Yeah. You look like Madonna. I don't know what this is. Madonna. White Lotus. Madonna. Nine Perfect Strangers. Madonna. Madonna. It's Nicole Kidman's birthday yesterday. How do you feel about it? Do you want to address the situation? Should we talk about it? Let's just get it out in the air. Yeah, let's just open it. I'm happy for her. I'll say this.

In the show, you do an Australian accent in the video. And I always knew it was a little suspicious. But now that I'm here and I'm hearing the real real, when we watch your video on the show, I'm like... What even is that accent? No research done at all. It wasn't much character study. No. It wasn't... I'm going to spoil something. I'm going to spoil something. I am a horrible actor. Horrible actor. I don't think that's true. It's true. It's true. Horrible actor. And I made a piece with it. Not with that attitude. No.

How do you think Nicole Kidman does it? Before she goes on set, she goes, I'm an incredible actress. She goes, I'm an actor. I'm an actor. I'm an actor. Yeah. It's boo-boo. It's rotten. It's horrible. But you know, I have fun. The dialect work is- Suspicious. Amiss. Yes. It's very, very faulty. It's wandering. It's wandering. It's very meandering. It's got its own agenda. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My other, back to my writer-writer, because the last three-

big DJ gigs I've had, my writer says, two CDJ 3000s, which is the exact same equipment I play at home, and one Nexus 2 mixer. The last three gigs, the lie detector does determine that was a lie. Never. So then I had to show up and be like,

What's all this? What's all this? You get the mix you get. Cause I don't use this. This is not my familiar. What'd you do? You just plug your computer. It's like, I asked for a Mac and they have a PC and it's like, Oh, we can make this work, but it's not going to be now. Now it's a little more brainpower for me. Yeah. But maybe it's good. Cause then I was talking to Mateo and he was like,

Well, maybe it's good. He was like, well, it's good because that's never going to go away and you have to get used to playing and everything. I was like, you're right. Do people normally talk? I mean, do they normally bring their own DJ equipment? You can, but if you... You can send a DJ rider when they book you that says, it's a one sheet Matteo made for me that says this is exactly what Trixie uses. He even put my height in drag so that the table's the right height. That is... None of that happens. Of course not. None of that happens. Damn. I know people who put crazy stuff in riders. I think...

I've heard through the grapevine that Jinx's rider had puppies in it for a while. Not like Cruella de Vil, but I think it might have been a little more tongue-in-cheek. Puppies. Live animals? Snakes. Puppies in the dressing room. Dead snakes. Heads cut off. She with the head cut off of garden shears right in front of her while she does a chant. For 45 minutes while I do my makeup, I need you to snip the heads off a bunch of garden snakes. Please. You gotta write please. Please.

Thank you. The dancers were watching Drag Race. I had not seen it. I just watched one episode with them for the first time. I had not seen All Stars, Winners. I didn't know it was like New Rules. Not to be behind the times. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Plungers? Plungers, which never really is not landing, really. Blocking? Blocking. Also... Why the plunger?

What is that? I think it's, you know what? I don't know. I don't think it's, it doesn't make any sense. They should call it plug-in. You plugged up the toilet. They should have it. You choked the toilet with your turd. Huge turd. Your huge fat turd. You know what they should do when they want to block someone? They should just, they should pull down those Capizio transition tights and squat and lay a big hard turd right on that stage and say, blocked. Yeah.

What? What? They have a physician come in and administer T-Block. Soften some of those dog faces up maybe a little bit. Yeah, instead of blocking people, they should be like, okay, in chopped cutthroat kitchen, when they're like, okay, my penalty I'm going to give you is that you can't taste your food for five minutes. Yeah. They should be like, I want the Vivian's filler pulled out by a surgeon. You know, like... Yes! Yes! Yeah.

I want Raja's head shaved. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All three of those T-cells left are getting plucked. Yeah. I want Jinx's shapewear revoked. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They should be able to... I want a more cutthroat kitchen. It should be like... They should be given a handicap or something. Yeah. Like in golf or whatever.

I think a handicap in golf is something different But they should be given an impediment A roadblock, some kind of obstacle Yes, Shea Coulee, we're taking you out at the knees Yeah, yeah, yeah An NFL player's gonna take you out at the knees Yeah, yeah, yeah, sprained ankle Fluid in the thighs, something, whatever Yeah, yeah, yeah, that'd be fierce Jada, you gotta do the runway No teeth We're taking the teeth Should we go to meet and greet? We're going to meet and greet See you in a bit

So tell us about what happened at the at the at the at the hotel today well I got camera to go for you over here. Hi there. I enlisted the services of a sex worker. Love it. Yes, I did. Yes, I did How did you find him? I found him. He was a referee was referred. Oh, that's probably the better referral. Yeah, and I gotta tell you

It was lovely. Did it take the wheels off? It took the wheels off. He rummaged around in the trunk. He rotated the tires. He changed the oil. What do you do with the hooker? Same thing every time? No.

What name do you use? Parcheesi. Bonnie. Scrabble. We just do a quick nap. He has to sleep before he's gone. What about people buying hookers just to sleep in bed? Just to sleep over? Have you done it? Okay. So here's what... I'm going to tell you the exact words I said to him. Okay. So first of all, it was a sexy massage. And so we did... He brought a table. He was an extremely...

He was very legit. He was very legit. And he called my hotel to verify my identity before I came over. Love that. Because he thought you were a catfish? Well, you never know. Did he know who you are? No. He was gay, but he didn't know who I was. Love it. No, he didn't. He's like, I've never watched Drag Race. I'm not a good guy. Do you love that accent?

I don't believe anybody anymore. No, he says he's never watched Drag Race. Drag Race? I'm trying to tell you this. On Grindr, people are always like, what do you do for a living? And then I go to their page and they follow me. And I'm like, what is this fantasy? What is this performance? Well, he didn't know who I was. I'm less famous than you. You have to remember. I am much less famous. I love that, by the way.

You do? Oh, I'm obsessed. Why? I love it. I love it. Because it's like you're the human shield. Well, do you want to know what it is? You're the human shield. It's because I'm in the sheer volume of shit that I put out. You're everywhere. I'm in Google ads. I know. I love it. It's unavoidable at this point. Your homophobic uncle knows who I am. You have no idea. It is my nightmare to be the most famous one. Why? Because I don't want the attention.

I don't want the attention. I don't want the responsibility. Nobody wants to give it to you. So give it up, Delicious. I don't want the responsibility. There is no responsibility. Yes, there is. In what way? It's just, it's all the attention. That's why you got a hooker because you don't want attention. Yeah. No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait. So he brings a table. Like a butcher board table or? Slab. He brings like an autopsy table.

You saw your nudes and he said, get the morgue table. He zips me up into the morgue. In a black body bag. He throws me over the shoulder. He takes me up to the tooth. When he said glory hole, what he meant is you're going to put a body bag on you and cut a dick hole. That's what he meant by glory hole. Wait, what do you do if somebody says they have a glory hole and you go to their house and they're standing there in a body bag with a boner poking out? I would jump on it. Orc.

That's, by the way, I'll let you tell your story, but one of the scariest parts of Nightmare on Elm Street, the first one, is when that girl nods off in class, Nancy, and she sees her friend in the body bag. When Tina's in the body bag being dragged down the hall. Horrifying. It's so bad. Do you know that Freddy Krueger is the most recurring? He factors in heavily and has factored in. Oh, you fucked him.

In a dream. I've done everything. And it's so crazy. Is it at your parents? No, it got to the point, like, it became so recurring that... You're like, this again? No, I was like, I gotta flip the script on this. I gotta flip the script. So I was like, it was in a dream where I was like half lucid. It was almost lucid dreaming where it's like, okay,

Stop it. I was like, everybody stop. Give it up, Delicious. Yeah, I was like, stop it. You with the burnt off face, we're going to fuck because this is too much. No, it was not going to be scared of you. It was like a director was like, cut, cut, cut, cut. We got to talk about your character, you know? What's your motivation? What is your motivation here?

Those creepy laser claws. We just got to take the glove off and we're going to fuck. This is not a horror movie. It's going to be Daniel Dave Lewis. Something Dune related. I had to flip this because it was just horrible. It kept being terrifying, terrifying, terrifying. He's a very sexual creature. Freddy Krueger?

The underpinnings of that metaphor in those movies is sexual dreams, teenagers, sex dreams. Yes, it's all – yeah, exactly. Big stab being penetrated. And he's always so witty with the zingers. The zingers. Bon appétit, bitch. Bon appétit. Here's your big break. Welcome to prime time, bitch. Yeah. Hi, Miss Big. Well, that was the other thing about it too because Jason is like a lumbering oaf. Uh-huh. And there's not much personality there. It's either like – and he's not –

He's not super fast. You know, you never see him book it. Right. So like he'll, he'll appear suddenly and that's scary. But Freddie is so sneaky mama. Yeah. And he's also kind of doing, he's doing his SNL audition. He's doing his real, he's doing so much. He's, and then it's like in the dream world, my, it's, it just got to the point where I was like, I cannot, we, I, we got to join forces here. We got to be on the same page. Yeah. It's like, what, where's the common ground here? It's like, we're going to fuck the enemy of my enemy. Yeah.

You know? What are you doing here? What are you doing here? It got too much. Anyway, so the hooker. Oh, the hooker. The hooker. So, great massage. He did this thing. I don't want to get gross. Get gross. I don't want to get gross. He did this thing. So, I've never, I've had a bunch of sexy massages before. So, I'm face down. He takes my leg. He bends it. Which way? Like the knee back. So, he snaps the knee. He bends the knee. He brings me here.

He broke both my legs. So he did this thing. He broke both my legs. So that's going to be a problem for the show tonight. He unplugged the phones from the motel. I couldn't call 911. He unplugged my phone down the toilet. So he noticed I had a bathtub. He brought his own toaster. And the worst part is, but then he turned off the air and that's where I do the line. He turned off the air conditioning.

So I was laying down with my legs in like a four. So I had the knee bent up and it was out like, you know where you're like,

You know what I mean? Yeah. So you're on your belly? I'm on my belly. And the knee is up 45 degrees. And there's like this situation happening with the legs. He did this thing where he was like, it was a sensual massage. So we were both naked. And it was sensual from the get-go, which is interesting. Touching the dick. I was, yeah, these huge balls. And then so he was doing this thing where he got his whole body involved. And I go like this. I was like, oh, my God. Oh, my God.

But that's such a confusing tone. He could have been like, are you okay? No, I said, oh my God. That's the same thing you said to Freddie in the dream.

Oh my God. Here we go again. Here we go again. I was like, did something crack? No, no, no. It was just like, it was so, it was the perfect combination of therapeutic massage relief and like erotic touch. It was incredible. And it was like his whole, it was like, I've never been like, imagine like all these different points getting touched at the same time. It was wild. And so I was like, oh shit. And I had to tell him, I was like, I'm sorry if this is weird,

But I was like, oh, this is when it got weird. Who made it weird? Okay. That's what I kind of thought. Okay. So it was an hour massage, 45 minutes of massaging, and then 15 minutes of television. And he turned on the Connors. The Connors on Hulu. Food. Food Network. He put on Food Network. 15 minutes of silent eating.

He put on America's... He went into the other room and ate lunch. He put on Worst Cook Celebrity Edition. No talking. No talking. No, no, no, no, no. Um...

And on the menu was like full sex, like if you wanted, whatever, you know? And this is what I said to him. And it's a la carte? It's a la carte. Okay. So if you get wild, this is the price. The prices are firm and not negotiable. And if you get wild in the moment, you can go, I'm ready to upgrade. Absolutely. And then it just gets added. Absolutely. Absolutely. So what I said, and so I haven't jerked off in six, I haven't jerked off since we've been here at all. I know it's crazy. And then, and so, well, I, I got my dick

Oh my god! I was not ready for you to say that! I haven't jerked off since I got here. Oh, fuck. Anyway, so 15 minutes left. We're approaching, I could feel it, we're approaching that moment where it has me flip over and I say to him, I was like, I know this might be a little weird. Instead of, like, fucking, can we just, like, hug? Like,

What is wrong with you? What is wrong with you? You need better help, bitch. You need better help. What's getting in the way of you and your happiness? What's getting in the way of you and your ultimate happiness? Girl, you need better. You need much better help. A lot better. Much better help.

You need even better help. Bag of chips. Best help. Oh, my God. Best help. Yeah. So then what? Can I just have a hug? Well, so I think maybe he thought, like, I was not serious because he just straddled me. Like, he just got on the table and we did, like, a little mutual oral thing. But I was serious. I was like, I didn't want to really get off. So we just, like, we, like, hugged. We did this.

It was so fabulous. Good for you. He was so attractive. Such a nice guy. Great guy. Lovely guy. It really is an art what some of these people can achieve. I'm telling you. You know? That is no joke. No joke. And I told him like a bunch of times, I was like, you are so good. You are doing the Lord's work. It's so important. Because it's part of performance, right? But it's part therapy. Yeah.

It's part science if it's a real massage. It's part science. It was a fantastic massage. I've had a lot of... Athletic medicine. He's doing athletic medicine. Sports medicine. He's very well trained. He's also customer service, interpersonal relations, theatrics. I just think it's funny that you're...

Hip bone has been bothering you until there's sex involved and suddenly you can fold like a pretzel. Hmm. By the way, yesterday on stage, you got excited at the end of the show and I saw you do a cartwheel split. I'm feeling it. Oh, I'm feeling it. I said to Eden, I said, you do not let her complain tomorrow. If she says anything about the pain. I know.

I know. You got fierce. I know. I got fierce. Now she's feeling it. Four days ago, you had- Cortisone shot. Literally, the needle from Jurassic Park when they're drilling into that mosquito in amber, that was in your leg. That was me. I know. Bingo. Dino DNA. That's what that hooker said when you took your clothes off. They can open doors. Can I ask? We're not going to say who he is, so I think it's appropriate to ask how much was it?

It was 220 Australian dollars for just like this for just one hour. Oh, so it could have been that could have included massage and full sex. That doesn't seem like a lot. It's not because the exchange rate is so fierce that I think if you do the math that averages out to you with the exchange rate. So I gave I tipped him $100. Wait a minute. Yeah. Did he know that used to be hooker? No, no, no, no, no. Okay. No.

I feel like it's – okay, if you go to a restaurant and you've been a server, you tip great. And so when you've been a hooker, you probably are the client. I think so because you have a response. Like you have – now, of course, this is – Star Trek The Next Generation. Paying it forward. You have – the power dynamic is amazing.

I would say very even. There's no danger there. I've never felt danger hiring a hooker. You know what I mean? This kind of masseuse thing. It's like a man-man. You know what I mean? There's no power dynamic at play, so I don't have to be... You're also not going to get shot and robbed at the Ritz-Carlton in the daytime. You never know. You never know. However, but so all things being equal in that way... Oh, are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? I would never hire a sex worker if I wasn't prepared to tip... To die. Oh, yeah.

You were that's the only part of it. You didn't like you didn't get killed. Yeah, I didn't feel like gun barrel I was waiting for to actually apply the pressure and like I would never I don't care how much it's never gonna cost under $100 So I'm never gonna tip under $100, right? You know, I mean usually I tip a tip like at I see this guy at home in LA and his list price is $200 I always come 400

Because he turns the fucking party. Yeah. He turns the party. I go over to his house. Immaculate. Gorgeous. Shower upon arrival. Massage room with candles. Professional bed. He's so sweet. He's so hot. Full massage. Full sex. Yeah. Full sex. Full sex. With you. With you too. With this goblin. He stuck his dick in a bag of flour. What?

A bag of concrete. And it came out like shake and bake. Yeah. Well, he's an independent contractor, right? It goes to anything. Yeah. If somebody says their price, you respect the price. You respect it. This isn't Costco, bitch. No. It's not JCPenney. It's not Saks Fifth Avenue. Don't haggle. Don't quote me on this, but hair people, costumers. Amy's been building costumes for me for two years more. I've never once even...

Question the price No you don't And if you don't Like the product You just move on Yeah you move on You just move on I've seen hookers That I've I've seen sex workers That I haven't been Super satisfied with

I'm not going to complain about it. I'm also not going to undercut them. I'm just going to move on. Not to mention when you are a good client who tips well, pays on time, the next time you want service, believe it or not, you will get priority. Yes, you will. You get priority because you're their easy work day. Yeah. That's what I, that's one thing. And I've had clients like that where I'm like, I'm not, I would never say this. I'm like, I'll fuck you for free, bitch. I would fuck you for free. But it's anything to, uh,

I don't know. Our friend who'd make Jake, Cobra Lily. Yeah. If you pay fiercely and tip fiercely, next time you need flowers, he'll make magic happen for you. Yeah. Yes, they will move mountains. It's very, very fierce. Respect people's independent businesses. Everything from hookers to- To florists. To fucking Uber drivers, dude. Just treat people right. Same thing. Yeah. That's the one thing. When I went Cucurella, I got fierce with my cash. Are we talking about when you were walking the streets handing it out? Yeah.

Yeah, I would count that as getting fierce. I don't regret that at all. I really don't. I mean, I know that's crazy and it didn't have a lot to do with reality sometimes, but I just, I never feel like. You never went down my block. I was out there.

I was out there. I never, I've never felt like to myself, oh, I really paid too much for some, you know what I mean? Like, especially if I'm buying something from somebody or, or being, or like if it's individual one-on-one or whatever, small, but I've never like, I would say, oh God, I paid too much for that Gucci suit. Right. But I've never felt like, oh, I really tipped too much that Uber driver. I've just never felt that, you know? I've never felt that either. Yeah. Yeah.

You could pretty much come and stab me and you're getting 20%. Yeah, at least. Yeah, absolutely. Well, shit. Yeah. Well, what are they going to get tonight? Are they going to get 20%? Oh, yeah.

You know, Drew Droege says they get the show they deserve. Yeah. So we'll see. They decide the show they get. Yeah. But then I've also heard people say that it's your job to tell them what kind of show it is. I'm going to give them what I'm going to give them. They get what they get. They get what they get. That is the get that... I feel like for too long in drag, we were all like...

Well, maybe not you, but a lot of people were like, well, I got to what fans expect or what other drag queens expect now coming out of COVID. No, they get what they get. Yeah. They get what they get. Yeah. We tell them what drag is not the other way around. Yeah. I'm going to show them and I'm going to tell people what a dressing room is after today. Oh, Mary. Because this, this is not it. Hostile. Hostile. Hostile.

The Perch? The Nightmare on Elm Street. The Nightmare on Elm Street, girl. Yeah. You know what's great about touring? Whatever kind of like in Hollywood on your little TV set with your little catered food and you really... They pick you up in your black car. Black car. All that dissipates when you get to Perth. Perth, mama. The Perth. Yeah. It is...

it's the hills have eyes it's it's the the dressing room situations on tour sometimes will just humble you to death and then and then you see the wall of flyers of who else has been there and it's people you thought were famous and you're like well their life sucks too yeah bruce springsteen yeah yeah bruce bruce springsteen bruce springsteen we get any wild comments at the meet and greet today not really no it was like really um yeah it was it was pretty it's pretty good and easy

I like Perth. I love the trees. I love the trees. It looks like Florida here. Do you think that's reductive? I don't know.

Because it's like kind of humid, palm trees. Yeah. I don't know what it's giving. I don't know what it's giving. I think it's giving Florida. A little bit. A little bit, yeah. Not as humid. But if this is the winter, bitch, I'll fucking take it. This is nothing. Nothing. Somebody in the meet and greet said, sorry about the winter. I said, it was 70 and sunny today. Yeah. Fuck off. This is great. It's 100 in LA right now. Yeah. Yeah. I guess it's like 115 here in the summer. Wild. Wild and nasty. Well. Well.

Hey, thank you for so much. Thank you for so much. Thank you for so, so much. I think, not to spoil our alert, I think we gotta have Kelly part two. Absolutely. Absolutely. We just gotta get her a phone with a microphone. Yeah, seriously. Yeah. We can switch off. We don't need both of us. What I really mean is you and Kelly should have another conversation so I can take a nap. Yes, totally. I think I told you today, uh...

On an interview today, they asked me, what do you want to retire like? And I said, I want my retirement to be Katya's very active career right now. I love it. I love it. I just do what I want. I'm so lucky. I'm so lucky. After this tour? So lucky. After this tour? After this tour? Yeah. Things are changing around here. Things are changing around here. Yeah. I'm going to become an elusive Shantuz. I can't wait to get even less famous.

You got to keep climbing. You got to keep climbing because I want to keep slipping. But why do you think that I, do you think I, Winifred Sanderson, like siphoned that off of you? No, it's like, it's like, just figuratively, of course, the larger you get in the spotlight, the cooler the shade is for me. Because I'm Miss Big. Miss Big. Miss Big, girl. I am comfortable in that shadow. Oh, it's so cool. Amen. Amen.

You're rewriting Women With Your Wings. It was so nice there in your shadow. Seriously, though, like I hate it. I mean, when I'm with someone who's also like, like I was walking down Hollywood in Santa Monica with Whitney Cummings after your party and everybody's recognizing me.

I fucking hate. She is a very famous person. She is a millionaire comedian. She got very, very famous. Gorgeous. Fucking stunning. Like her fuckable. Her standup clips show up on my Instagram feed a lot. Yeah. Arenas. Arenas. But like giant, you know, the beauty. Yeah. She's so, she's so beautiful. And like casual. Like she's over there. She's just like, she's like regular clothes looking stunning.

Men must either love her or fully hate her. I would say that women probably love her or fully hate her. Yeah. Yeah. But anyway, so we were walking together and she looked...

At your party, she was so hot. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. She looked so sexy, so great. And we were walking together and everybody was recognizing me and not her. And I was like, oh, I hate this. Oh, I hate this. Yeah. I hate that. Yeah. I hate that. I would so much rather be me and you were walking and nobody recognizes me. And they're all just like, Trixie, Trixie. That's never going to happen. Yes, it is. If they recognize me, they're going to recognize you. I don't know. Where are they going to recognize you and not me? When I get my brown hair. A steel mill? When I get my brown hair.

Your unit? My brown hair. Oh, you do brown hair wigs. Well, you know, Lisa, one time when we first started hanging out, we were going to go to West Hollywood. She was like, well, something about West Hollywood. She's like, I'll go with you. So people will think, like, basically if she goes with me, we'll be famous. And I said, this is West Hollywood. You have a restaurant here.

No, she was saying like if I go with you to that, like it was something gay. I was like, you don't think I can get a table somewhere gay, Lisa? Oh, right, right, right. Oh, she was like, I'll help you poor wretch. Yeah, I was like, you don't think I can get a little booth at the Abbey, bitch? You would get mobbed. I would think you'd be more famous than her. Oh, I tell people she's Elizabeth Hurley. I'm like this brown haired British woman. Yeah.

Elizabeth Hurley. Yeah. T. Well. Okay. Well, I love her, by the way. I'm so happy to meet her. I was a little suspicious of your friendship with her at the beginning. I was like, why are you hanging out with her? Cause she a billionaire. No, she's fierce. She's very, she's so funny. She's so fun. It's all of a sudden, by the way, she's completely poor.

She lives in her home. Rented. Trailer. Lives in a trailer. Yeah. Port-a-potty. No, she is just a, she's just a drag queen. Yeah, she's really, and she is fucking pretty in person. Holy shit. Yeah, it's pretty. She's wildly stunning. Yeah, it's pretty wild. She also, honestly, she'll probably never hear this. I think that so many people either are like in awe of her or work for her that,

Nobody like reads her. And I think that's why we get along is because I just make fun of her to her face. Yeah. I think she likes it. Yeah. She has a great sense of humor. Yeah. She's rotted. Yeah. She's rotted. Rotina. Yeah. She's rotted. Yeah. I think the second thing I ever said to her was like, congratulations on your hemorrhoid surgery or something. Do you know how they soundcheck our tour when we're not available? They play the bald and the beautiful upstairs in the house.

And today I walked in while they were telling my hemorrhoid story at full volume and the entire staff and crew of this tour was listening to it. That's really rotten.

And then I said, and I was like, well, it is on the podcast. Like, I can't get mad. I'm like, this is my diary. It's public information. Yeah. Well, I think we're done. Yeah. Thank you, guys. See you next time. We always know how to end the pod. I think we're done. Bye. Bye.

Bye.