Have a Smile for Breakfast and You’ll Be Pooping Joy by Lunch with Trixie and Katya
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Hey guys, oh shit, wow, hi I got your Christmas present Oh no, you're gonna love it Oh my Christmas present No, this is for you I didn't wrap it No, no, it's fine, it's fine I didn't, oh, I didn't apologize I'm just telling you I didn't wrap it It's cool It's really cool It's a great gift I'll be the judge of that It's a really great gift, a little better than your gift A little light Well, could be cash Could you imagine? Yes, I can It's not cash You don't have to pretend if you don't like it

You need a Zippo to put in it. Or like, you know, you need a lighter. Anything. My high blood pressure pills. Well, I think it's for a lighter. It is for a lighter, but chomp, chomp. Do you ever do Zippos or is that like cool? I could do a regular lighter. It's nice, right? So fabulous. I love it so much. This artist on Etsy makes them by hand.

I don't know who they are. Tooth to hand. It is so fierce. You don't know what I Googled to find that. I opened my Christmas gift from you finally. It's fancy sheets. No, it actually was half for David because I know he has a profuse sweater at night. Mama, these changed the game. They flipped the script. It's a whole new story on nighttime sweating. Yeah. Think of the past.

David and I are having a good healthy game of verbal racquetball when it comes to the price of things in the home still. Oh, yeah. Please. Today he was like, I'm trying to find a rug for the dining room that's not too expensive. So here's this. I said, this is $1,000. Mama, get a grip, honey. He goes, well, the other one I wanted to show you was $3,000. I said, what? I said, have you tried rugs.com? Mama, mama, mama.

rugs.com is no but i went to rugs.com and i was like can we find something for 300 bucks do you want you want a a tarp that's the thing david was like it's gonna be cheap if i buy it cheap it's gonna look cheap thousand some of these rugs are 50 000 silk rugs handmade mary the rugs you will gag i've been deep and vicious in the rug game for a while now

I've got a runner. I love Moroccan bourbon rugs. You do have that side business, that rug steaming, deep cleaning business? Yeah, yeah. I got that, you know, it's called Rugrats.

It's extermination and rug cleaning. Yeah. Oh, my God. So we killed all the rats. But I noticed these hardwood floors need a little protection. How about a runner? Well, that's okay. This is what you do. You go clean people's houses. And while you're there, you release some vermin. Three days later, you come back in a fake mustache. You say, we're doing a check of the area. Do you have a rat infestation, you gross pig? And I also noticed this really ugly laminate linoleum. When you're in there doing the rats, you snip some wires. You come back as an electrician.

You keep the business going. You jiggle the lock, the locksmith. Yeah. It's a long con. But rugs, get out of town. Get out of town, Mary. The one he showed me was a thousand. I was like, but how big was it? It's nine by 12. Mama, a thousand dollars. Get out of here. Are you on his side? He's gotten to you. No, no, no. He's gotten to you. Mama, this is a rug you want for 10 years. Yeah. Minimum. Everything sucks. Girl, I'm not.

The mover, the mover smashed the dining room table, big piece of wood. It's about nine by 12 giant dining table. Cause I have a lot of guests. I don't have a lot of guests, but they're all really fat. So there's a lot of big, big people, big guests, big people, bear parties. And I go, they smashed the table and I had to call someone and say, hi, I need a new thing. I need a new wooden tabletop for my table.

$3,000 for a piece of solid Walnut. Yep. I said, this actually grows on trees. What are we talking about here? I know. I know. Now I'm like every time I've ever gotten paid as a drag queen and I think I'm a charging too much. Not when there's $3,000 rugs in the world. Mama. Well, not when there's $50,000 rugs, but aren't they machines making these rugs? No, some of these are handmade by machines.

Robot hands. The $1,000 one, that is a machine. That prints out of a printer, girl. A desk jet.

On a little card stock. I think he is right. I think everyone's right. Because every time I try to turn to a trusted confidant to complain about the price of these items, everyone's like, well, yeah, stuff costs money. But here's the thing, though. You can really be strategic antiquing on wall sconces for nothing. Yeah. You know what I mean? Super beautiful statement things, but a rug, a mattress, a bed frame. He was like, well, you know, we're doing a mix. He said, we're doing a mix of really high-end stuff and then kind of like cheaper, kitschy. Like I said...

I said, and where are those items so far in the house? Cause I haven't seen, I haven't seen nothing cheap nor kitschy. Yeah. White glove service. Don't even get me started. Oh no. White glove is open to interpretation diva because this whore came up in our house. These men assembled this coffee table and it was a cheaper coffee table. Cause I, I, I hit the roof on that $3,000 coffee table. I said, we need to shut it down. Yeah, absolutely. Get a cardboard box in here and spray paint it.

But they put it together where the top tier was supposed to be glass and the bottom tier is mirror, right? Two tier coffee table. They put the mirror on top. David said, this is wrong. And they were like, oh, and he was like, can you fix it? And he said, they were literally like, yeah, I guess.

But what is the point of paying for white glove service if you're not going to put it together? The way it at least looks in that picture. Yeah. Let me tell you about my white glove service experience. Tell me about the white gloves, honey. That's the red table talk. The white glove talk. This is when I ordered my Canopy King, California King bed frame out of solid wood that probably, not probably, that weighed up in the ballpark of 700 to 800 pounds altogether. Your bed? In pieces, of course. The bed frame.

No, the old place. How does it not fall through the floor? Well, I mean, you've been up there. But I mean, you're putting your body on top of it. So, what is that, 3,000 pounds? I mean, this thing came up in, I mean, it could have been 1,000 pounds altogether, easily. And they carried it up there. The White Gloves service, one woman died.

With an arm cast Stop it In a truck Stop it After I came home from the gym doing legs Stop it Wobbly Wobbly Rubber Like literally And I'm like

So where are the white gloves exactly? And where are the men? Where are the giant, young, virile men wearing them? And I had to employ, I had to have white jockstrap service when I had all those porn stars come over and lift it up. But it was $700. Were you calling the fisting gays being like, can you get over here? Yes, please. I was like, yeah, I need some white glove service or some black glove service for the fisters. Not to be a predator. But wait, $800 for that white glove service, by the way. Naked movers. A little dangerous.

A little dangerous. I would say jockstrap. I mean, nothing sexual plays out, but like you're in your, you're in your bedroom working on your computer and then big hot muscly movers just drop dropping off the table and being like, bye. Well, movers are inherently sexy. They are. I've moved like five times. They're coming in your house and they're touching your stuff and they're moving it sometimes. And if you do due diligence,

Mama, they, that is a turn on. I mean, not a turn on sexually for them. It's just convenient and they like that. But for me, it's the step in the door. You know, when I was on Crank Anchors, I had to call a moving service and I had to request movers and I had to make it very romantically. I had to call a moving service and be like, well, you know, do you have anybody who's a Pisces? Yeah.

And I had to be like, do you have, how about between six, two and six, five in Puerto Rican? Oh my God. I had to like request. Did they really, did they take it? Eventually they were being very amicable. And then eventually she goes, I don't know what kind of service you think this is. So they were, they were, they got wise to me. Yeah. We're moving furniture, not your fat ass to orgasm. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, I love it. I rock and roll. I'm very open, but he has to be able to read Braille. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Braille and also Sanskrit. Doesn't need to have any vision or hearing, but all these other things are important. You know, putting together your own furniture, it's fine. David and I put together that. Is it? David and I put together that makeup desk in my drag room. Probably the only fight we ever had was over that. Yeah. Because it can introduce tension in a relationship. Oh, you think? Trying to build furniture. Oh, yes. So sometimes white glove service, it is premium, but...

But what I want is for them to come in, put it together correctly, clean up.

That's what I understand to be white glove service. Adequate bodies to transport the furniture safely, to arrange it neatly, perfectly, and then to clean up. And they were never there. I would even pay for the heightened version of that where they not only deliver the couch, they take your old one. Whatever that version is, I would pay for that. Yeah, I would do white sock service too. White knuckle service. White knuckle service, white eye service. Yes.

Well, I just, it's a lot to pay for. And so I wish that they weren't, um, moving is feeble, broken armed women, or I wish they put the table together correctly. Or you should have seen me trying to lug. I mean, some of the pieces weighed 300 pounds, just single pieces. Jesus. And I had to lug it up the stairs. And you used to love this bed? Uh, yeah.

I had to sell it. But guess what? I didn't even have to sell it. I had to give it away. No! Nobody would take it because it was so... White Glove Service. How much was it? It was only $600, but $700 shipping White Glove Service fee, honey. Yeah, but it's beautiful. It was sumptuous. Casper. It would work. Casper? No, no, the bed frame. Is the mattress a Casper? The Casper, yeah, it was a Casper. I sleep on that Casper. Love it.

It's fabulous. I sleep like a baby on heroin. Okay. There you go. Like drool, the REM cycle, violent. Pinpoint pupils, glassy eyes, just unwakeable. Aspirating on your vomit. David keeps it 60 degrees in the house. I climb underneath his big hairy body and I put him on top of me like a water bottle.

And I don't emerge until I see my shadow. Like I sleep nine hours straight through every night. It's fucking fierce. That is a privilege and it's a pleasure. And I wish everybody, it's a, it's a human right.

It's a human right. That was the thing that David was trying to get me to spend money on was the bed. And I complained the whole time until the first night in the bed. When I laid on the fancy sheets with the fancy headboard and the fancy... I said, take what you want. Mama, take it all. Take the microwave. Take my friends. Take the clothes. Take anything. But you can't take this bed away from me now. I'm shocked at how much... So I had to downgrade to a queen. Oh my God. But it's... I think it's funny...

That you are in a muscle, like a mass gaining journey. And then you get the smaller bed. You're going to become the whale. No, you're going to be like shoulder to shoulder ends of the mattress. Well, I'm going to be like Rose on the, on the little piece of wood. Yeah. What do you mean? Jack is going to have to go under the bed. Yeah. Yeah. Um, but the, it's this, he, I think it's Helix. Helix mama. They, they, they turned the mattress party so tightly. Yeah.

- Put it in just right. - The mattress. - The mattress. - Yeah, it's fierce. - It's fierce. And it's not, all things being, you know, all things considered, a car is very expensive. 20,000, 50,000, 400,000. This one's like 2,500 bucks. - Love it. - And I sleep on it every night. I put my naked body in that bed every night.

My friend Becca, she worked at Steinhafel's, which is a big mattress store in the Midwest. And she always said to the people buying mattresses, she said, "You spend a third of your life on the mattress." Why would you settle? Why would you settle? Eat rice-a-roni, eat crap. You know what I mean? I would rather eat SpaghettiOs. Rice-a-roni is not crap. Okay. Sorry. But SpaghettiOs, Chef Boyardee. Why are you listing my favorite foods and saying they're all crap?

Let's shit on the real shitty foods. Celery, lettuce. Yeah. You know, but like ramen for dinner. It's worth the sacrifice. If I knew then what I know now, I definitely would have got a better mattress. You know, you're in a different financial bracket than you were, let's say, 10 years ago. I think. Even so, though.

But I'm saying $2,000, you can save up for that in two years. I could have when I was poor. I mean, I paid back $15,000 when I was making no money. No, I'm done talking about the mattress. This is about something else. Well, I have not done talking. I was going to ask, based on shitty foods, cheap foods, what's a food that no matter how ridiculous, if you became Jeff Bezos, what is the super dirt cheap food that you love? See, I am the wrong person to ask because I don't,

The decadence in my food consumption is all about the service and the preparation, people driving it to my house. That's where I get decadent. But girl, it's about Zankou. It's Chinese. I love to eat Thai. That's all. That's my cuisine. You should go on like a Miss Big tour, like go to Asia and just eat Thai.

See, Asia freaks me out because no sweet breakfast. I got to have a sweet breakfast. I can't eat noodles and clams for breakfast. No, I can't. I cannot like. You don't even like like eggs and toaster breakfast? No, I love that. Along with pancakes. I love it. Love it. Diner special 222 at the park. Do you like French toast? I love French toast. Me too. I love pancakes. I love sausage, bacon, scrambled eggs with hot sauce. Hot.

- I love breakfast. Dave is not a breakfast person. This morning he woke up and I was making one. - He's not a, what do you mean? - I was making two eggs and one piece of wheat toast. I like a simple plain breakfast. - Wow, yeah, monk style. - They're plain and tall, yeah. And he walks in and I'm apparently making Jiffy Pop, that's how I cook, but he walks in and goes, "Oh, and none for me." I go, "You don't eat breakfast. You never eat breakfast." - We gotta flip the script on that because breakfast is the most important meal of the day. - It's so, I love breakfast. - I love it too, whoa! - I love, cereal?

Love it. Eggs and toast and potatoes. Love it. Bitch, these frozen potatoes from Ore-Ida, they come with onions and red and green peppers mixed in them. Put them in the pan, crack an egg over it. Mama. Oh my God. What would you say to silver dollar pancakes, fresh squeezed orange juice, turkey bacon, or bacon bacon. Bacon bacon. And then perhaps like an oat milk flat white. Grape juice. Grapefruit juice. Concord grape juice. Just a shot. Yeah.

And I love those like morning ginger shots. Absolutely. Get me to ginger and pepper. First thing in the morning, nose bleeding, stomach puking, ulcers, ulcers pumping. Someday we should open a breakfast spot. I listen. We set the standard.

incredibly high for good breakfast food. But you know what though? So in LA, it's a problem. Back in Boston, there was this place called Mike and Patty's. I lived and breathed by this. It was breakfast and lunch. Two blocks from my house in Bay Village. Literally four by four square feet. Oh wow, okay. Like fit three people on a stool. Lines down the block. Artisanal yada, yada, yada. They named a sandwich after me. What's called Brian Toast.

It was called Brian toast. It was, listen to this breakfast for drag race. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Cause I was in the neighborhood. So it's two pieces of toe. It's toast cinnamon, honey butter griddled like French toast. And so it's, um, cinnamon, honey butter on bread, cinnamon, honey butter on bread and then griddled. Okay. And then powder sugar over it. Whoa. It is. It was so delicious. It was so delicious. It was so delicious.

And they called it Brian toast. Yeah. But the point of that story is it folded. It's so hard to keep up. It's so hard. And in LA you have to charge prices that are so unreasonable for breakfast. Yeah. But if we make the quality good.

If we make it truly the best French toast in the neighborhood, truly the best coffee, the best everything. Yeah. I mean, there is some competition. And you know why I love to take something we love and make money off it? I mean, I love, I would love to be serving coffee behind the counter in drag every day.

The Bald and the Beautiful is supported by FX's English Teacher. From Paul Sims, the executive producer that brought you What We Do in the Shadows, FX's English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school.

I cannot wait to see this amazing new show with the preternaturally hysterical Brian Jordan Alvarez. It's from the producer of one of the greatest TV shows of all time. And can I let you in on a little secret? A certain Miss Trixie Mattel makes a guest appearance on the show and whoa, it is a sight to behold. Take it from me, a connoisseur of quality television programming. You do not want to miss this show. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

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I worked at the motel on Christmas. I showed up in drag and I served happy hour. Did I tell you about this?

I showed up in drag. Guests are checking in about 3, 4. And I was there in drag and people would ring the doorbell. They'd have their suitcases and I would go open the door. Hi, this is Karen from hospitality. But I thought they were going to be like, oh my God, Trixie.

Where they do? Faces white. Tongue swollen. Eyes bloodshot. Silent. I'm walking to their... I'm in drag with their suitcases. I go, isn't it beautiful? We have you in the Malibu. You're going to love it. Can I recommend our nacho? Silence. Terrified of me. They go into their rooms. Then they know I'm still there. I'm out there with my tray serving happy hour. They're coming out of their rooms like this. Wait, wait, what is it? Because gay fear.

- They were ready for me to be there. So I thought it'd be a fun holiday treat. - At the Trixie Motel. - But eventually I left 'cause I said, "I think I'm killing the vibe. "Everyone's afraid of me, so I gotta go." But I was serving drinks to the people and I was like-- - Damn, what a bummer. - It was fun, it was really fun, but I was like, "Oh, they're scared, I should go." - I feel like I should have served the drinks as a buffer. And then you come out as a big grand reveal and then they're like, "Whoa!" - Well, we did have a guest stay the night after you stayed in that room.

What'd they say happened? Well, I told him you took a bath and they were like, well, then I'm taking one. People want to be close to you. Oh, wow. Well, and it's funny because that tub is a little shallow for me because I got long legs. And I noticed... You're big. Yeah. And I missed... When you got in, did it empty out completely? Well, it almost did. But then I noticed the little head of my penis, my teeny little acorn peony pecker was above the water. And you had to pee. So you just filled the tub right back up. Thank you.

Have you? Okay. I have this. Well, not breakfast fantasy, but I do have this kind of semi-recurring sexual fantasy that probably will never happen because it involves a lot of cleanup. I want to piss in the bed on somebody. Okay. Like, whoa. Do it. Oh, wait. Are you surprised in this scenario? What was that sound? It.

It seems like you want to be surprised. I want it to be spontaneous, kind of. Because I don't want to lay down the rubber sheet. You know what I'm saying? It would involve a mess of horrible pissy cleanup. Well, the problem is that piss is going in the mattress. You can't clean piss out of the middle of the mattress. No, no, no, no, no. I do have a mattress protector. And since I am getting into fisting, I'm going to do the latex rubber sheet. I was going to say, why don't you do a latex sheet on the bottom? Yeah. And that way. But I want to do it in a hotel.

It's just so rude and I would just never. Can you not do it at my motel? I would never. I piss in the sink only there. Okay. By the way, for the listeners...

Stayed at the Trixie Motel and I didn't haven't uploaded my vlog yet about it my extensive vlog I'm still waiting on YouTube to figure out that out, but it was YouTube down I was waiting for them all night long. Um, it was really great. It was really great I was very skeptical cuz I was like motel blah, you know, I want to stay the four seasons, you know But it was it was so cute. The bed was very comfortable wonderful night's sleep. Um

And then even for me, Yeehaw, Cowgirl, not exactly my vibe. I totally sank into the vibe. A lovely little kitchenette, breakfast nook, outdoor area, smoking only for me. And for refrigerator, I went to the grocery store and I loaded up on groceries.

That room also has the full bar. It's like the bar you can sit in your computer. The vanity. The vanity, Mary. Yeah. There's nothing. Water was a little brown at first, but that happens a lot of places. And then you got in the water and it got brown. Then we get black. Oh, or you can hear when I don't use that shower for a few days, when I turn it on. Yeah. It's ended in time. Black diarrhea. Yeah. Yeah. It's black. It's chunky. Yeah.

Do you know about the fucking, I don't even want to talk about distilled water. Who gives a shit? Now I want to go back to work, but I want to go back to breakfast. Yes. Do you like breakfast sandwiches? So here's the problem. Oh, what? I know. I know. It's like the whole thing. I know. I know. I know. I just can't get on the sandwich game. So this is my breakfast.

I got to have something sweet. I don't have to, but I prefer like even toast and jam and jelly. That's something sweet. You know what I mean? So English breakfast, literally fuck the fuck out of here. Girl, get out of here. Get your baked beans and your half tomato and get the fuck out of here. And your hockey pucks. And mushrooms. Marinated mushrooms. Mushrooms. Tomatoes. Girl. Potatoes. Bye. Okay. So it is brioche French toast or a lovely fluffy pancake. Doesn't have to be flavored with blueberries, but I'm certainly welcome to that. That's nice.

And then one or two and then slices of bacon, sausage, like not wet, kind of dryish scrambled eggs were well done. And then Tabasco and chupacabra sauce. And then and then that's it.

Do you like, you know, when we were in Europe, I was trying to, they do their eggs very runny. And I've been trying to get more into that because I think as I get older, I do like it. You like wet eggs? Not wet, but like Americans notoriously overcook eggs. You know that, right? Like the rest of the world is like, why are your eggs rubber? No, I like them fluffy. But we cook the moisture out of them. But see, I don't care. I like my turkey dry. I like my turkey like jerky on Thanksgiving.

This turkey is so moist. I'm like, ugh. You don't even like like a bagel, cheese, and egg. I don't do cheese. Oh, see, that's what the sandwich is all about. Yeah, sandwich is all about cheese and the condiments. Okay, it's all making sense now. Yeah. I love brioche French toast. Oh my God. With compote. Girl. Waffles. Apples. Girl, you ever been in the original Pancake House?

the the app the the the the giant the giant with the giant apple cinnamon waffle honey i had one when we were in canada it's so hunting it's so country used to call it the big apple back in bigfords we used to smoke this big if there was a challenge to eat the whole thing you like donuts i certainly do mary crispy apple fritter hot and it's fresh the california donuts in hollywood the apple fritter there yeah

Tarantina. Wig. Wig. Wig. Cronuts. Do you know what a cronut is? I sure do. It's a croissant and a donut. It's lovely. How do they do it? I'm like...

It takes, I don't cook like other people cook. Like at all. Yeah. But I mean, if it's green, no, you do cook. If it's green chef or something, I'll follow it. But somebody at some point invented a cronut. They also invented penicillin too though, mama. But that doesn't matter. Okay. How has that helped anyone? I'm talking about donuts. People are waiting in line for cronuts. Yeah. Yeah. And I've been going to this California donuts place enough in Hollywood that I'm waiting for them to finally ask my name because I want to be local. I want a brine toast. Yeah.

- Yes, yes. - But I go there every day and they couldn't care less. - Of course not. - They were like, "This is LA." - But Julia Roberts was just in here and she slapped me, so. - No, there'll be like another cronut. I'm like, "Oh, gag." - I want another one. - Do you like Boston cream? - You know, put me in jail, fuck me in prison.

- Unrelated. - But I don't really like stuffed donuts too much. - I don't either. - And Boston cream is a little too rich. It's custard, right? - It's almost a little too rich. - It's custard, right? - It's custard. - And I think it's a little heavy. - It's way too much for me.

And I like custard, but it can get really eggy. Because custard is egg. It's goopy. It's goopy poopy. Remember when I was into making ice cream and I made that ice cream that was custard and you were like, something's wrong with this. Yeah. And I said, yeah, it's custard. It was soup. It's cold soup. It was cold soup. It was a savory...

Ice cream. Speaking of savory ice cream, not savory ice cream. I got these fat boy ice cream sandwiches from the grocery mart the other day. They call fat boy. The traditional ice cream sandwich and like a Klondike size square. So delicious. So refreshing. Yeah.

Like so delicious. So you and I are on different ends of the aisle because I'm over on the. I'm doing frozen pizzas, frozen treats, Haagen-Dazs. I'm doing whole milk, half and half. In my heart, I'm trying to have the. What's the skinny kind of ice cream? Mama, no. No, but in my heart, I'm trying to have that. Sorbet. But in my real self, my real, real self, when I'm alone at night in the dark. You're shoveling lard into your. I'm thinking about Cherry Garcia.

What's so wrong with that? Cherry ice cream with dark chocolate chips. And honey, you know what else? What else? That fish food from Ben and Jerry's. Any of those Ben and Jerry's. Shove it up my ass. But see, here's the thing. You do that. It's just you don't do the whole pint.

But I'm not doing that either. You know what I can do? I could do it in thirds. Yeah. The top third and we're done now. The next night you have a little more. Then you're done now. Yes, yes, yes. Eating the whole. I've never eaten the whole. Oh, I eat a pint every time. Oh yeah. Every time. Love it. Don't you feel sick? No, honey. Love it. Finally. I feel some weight. It weighs me down when I go to bed. Well, that's why you don't like breakfast sandwiches. You're having a pint of ice cream first thing in the morning. No, not in the morning. Yeah.

David today had one of those delivered coffees again. And I said, we're coming up to the talk. We're going to have to talk about your delivered coffee. We got to get the feds involved or something. I know. Yeah. Get Lisa on the case.

She's got connections. No, she's got connections. I mean, the swans, the moats, that's, that's a luxury. That's decadence. No, but Lisa's the one who's always like, you know what? You work hard. Don't you want your home to be a, don't you want your home to be a sanctuary? But it, yes. And on that note, it will be even more of a sanctuary when you have the perfect, I said the perfect coffee unmatched by anybody exactly when you want it.

Because really, you drink coffee. Every day. The coffee people at the stores, they're not doing different than you can do at home, right? Or are they? Is the store coffee better? My grandpa used to say that McDonald's coffee was the best. It depends. But here's the thing. It's in transit. If it's hot, it's cold by the time it gets to you. It's hot.

It's getting trampled. It's getting spit on. It's getting handled. It's getting transported by a person who's underpaid. Now, if you're going to splurge and get coffee delivered, where do you like best here? I would just do like, if I'm going to splurge, I'm going to say, get those nasty milkshake frappuccinos from Starbucks. Get four of them. I've seen you drink those desserts. Yeah, it's a milkshake. It's an Oreo cookie, full fat milkshake. It's a milkshake with caffeine. It's about 1,700 calories, 2,500 grams of sugar.

And I go like this. If I even sniffed one of those, I would get cankles. It's just so much sugar. Well, mama. We know. It's big. Yeah. I like, I mean, this is a place called Alfred over in West Hollywood and they have a rose, like a rose black tea. So it tastes like flowers. Do you have, oh, I think I have a good idea for a gift for you for my tea shop days. If you like, do you like Jasmine Rose? Jasmine Roybus Pearl.

The jasmine pearls where they unfurl. They're cunty. They're beautiful. They're very cunty. They're not super flavorful, but they're pretty. I think they're good. Okay. People, monkey picked oolong. Would you call me? You know how I bought David Masterclass for Christmas? You really did? I bought him Masterclass. Do you want to wear a suit? I bought him a membership to Masterclass. Oh, so he can choose any? So he can watch them. All of them? I think so. Isn't that how you do it? You subscribe for like...

Per month and you can watch whatever you want. I hope so. Well, I want to get that little number because I want to watch the David Lynch one. Well, I think it's for one person. Well, I know. Okay. Oh, so you want to steal it from him? No, I'll come to his house. Okay. Well, he can make coffee. Well, his house is my house, so I'm going to know about it. Even better. But he's been, so now when we talk about home stuff, should we get this? He'll be like, well, on the masterclass, they talked about the importance of sight lines in a room. And I was like, you're actually watching it. I love it.

I love it. I'm going to start, I'm going to start adding classes. He's my Megan. I'm going to start choosing which skills he has. Yeah. I'm going to pump being a good boyfriend to the top. Yeah. It's like,

um, waiting up at 6am to eat the pussy out, you know, cooking for a loved one. Who's a cross dresser. Yeah. Do you like to get your pussy eaten out in the morning? Morning sex. That's too personal. Um, just morning sex. If we're being honest, David always, when we, especially when we started dating, always want to have sex in the morning and I will go along with it because I'm complicit. Yeah. Sexually. You, if you start it,

I'll probably do it. I don't even have to like you. I'll go along with it. Cause I don't know if the courage to stop it. So I could just do that. You're a diehard romantic. But David wakes up every morning with a giant boner. And I know about it because I'm being poked by him about 12 different ways. Little poke coming through. Yeah. Not a little poke. Yeah. A giant hammer. Yeah. Yeah. But then when I wake him up and say, good morning, he said, shut up.

So now what? Mom, but that's a relationship that's going to last. That's true. It's got staying power. I, in the morning, for me to wake up and feel like having sex, we have to have started dating two weeks ago where I'm just horny all the time. I'm not doing that. You have to have had to wander in my bed 10 minutes before I wake up. Henry Cavill.

Yeah. Because it's just... And wake me up with a little bell with brioche pancakes. A bell attached to your erect penis. He is so unbelievable. So I watched a movie with Henry Cavill, Army Hammer. E.T.? Oh, was it wrong? No, it was Under the Tuscan Sun. The man from Uncle. Uncle Buck? Uncle Buck.

John Candy. It all comes back to John Candy. I wish. Elizabeth Debicki, the villain, six foot four years old, I was going to say. Six two, this giant statuesque diva. But these two men fighting each other?

I couldn't help but wonder, what if they whipped out their dongs? What movie was this? It's called The Man from UNCLE. It's an action movie. And why are they fighting? Because one's a Russian spy and the other's a whatever, whatever. They're Americans and Russians. They have to work together, though. Oh, wow. Yeah. So Armie Hammer's doing a goofy Russian accent. Henry Cavill's being impossibly sexy. They're both...

Two sides of a very sexy coin that I would love shoved up my tight little cunt. I'm not in a horny phase right now, but lately men have been stopping me in my tracks. Do you know what a certain Donald Glover looks like? From Lethal Weapon? He's an actor, right? Yeah, Donald Glover? Are you thinking of Danny Glover? Danny Glover. I'm talking about Donald Glover. They are related, right?

Donald Glover. Yeah. Wasn't he in Star War? He is. Wasn't he in Star War? Wasn't he the musical act as well? No. Oh, isn't he a musical person? Childish Gambino. This is America, right? He's like outrageously talented.

I have had a crush on him since that This is America video. And then when he started acting, I was like, is this a fucking joke? He is so hot. And he's got kind of buck teeth, like two big teeth, which are just very hot on him. He is so... If I met him in person, I think I would melt. You'd be like, is there a turd factory that you own? Because I would like to gobble them all up. He is so hot. Henry Cavill, when I watched, what is it? Hombre de Acela? The Man of Steel. I was like...

It's how is I'm also human. I'm also male. And so is he. I watched that Witcher mess where he has that horrible vanity, illegally blonde, wet wig on the whole time. And even with that unit on. Oh, mama. Shit in the mouth. Shit in my parents mouth. Black diarrhea all in my face. You don't even have to touch my wee wee.

He is so hot. How do people look like that? He just, and also like, he's also really nice and everything. He plays Superman so well. Because he is Superman.

Yeah, I mean he's also good actor. He's a really good actor. He was so good in Superman I don't get shit about Superman. It's a little too white bread for me, but it was so good. Yeah I like my here's what woman did mama throw it in the bin You don't like Wonder Woman Wonder Woman throw her in the bin that movie is rot. You know Wesley you know Oh, I didn't like the second one at all. Oh, this second one was a farce. I'm just but Gal Gadot key She can't act for shit

That woman couldn't act if she knew, if she was like, if she was. I like Kakato. You do? She is one of the worst actors of our generation. She's a great Wonder Woman. She's a pretty lady. And her name is Gal. So I guess that qualifies her to be woman. Wonder Gal. But Wonder is not, her acting is not wonderful. Kal-El, no!

Like it's so bad. Maybe you're right. It's so bad. Not to be gay, but I mean, Robin Wright Penn has the fierce, uh, whatever. I like Tina women, superhero shit. So maybe she's not good and I'm just gay and I like it. Yes. You give her the benefit of the doubt. She is so bad that she can't get it from me. Like, you know, it's like Halle Berry, a storm.

Do you know what happens to a frog when it gets electrocuted? Did you like that? The same thing that happens to everything else. Did you like that? Well, that's a writing issue. Yes, totally. Totally. Did you like the Batman? Which, which the, the most recent one, the Batman, the Batman. I, I did. Let me tell you who turned in that movie. Who? Paul Dano, Robert Pattinson. It wasn't Robert Pattinson and it wasn't Zoe Kravitz, although they were fine. It was Colin Farrell. No, no.

Colin Farrell? Calista Flock. He was the gross, ugly, fat mayor. Oh, no. The guy who plays the Riddler from Little Miss Sunshine. Paul Dano. Yeah, he was in There Will Be Blood, bitch. He was amazing in the Batman movie. No, he's incredible in everything. He plays like a 4chan Reddit incel version of the Riddler. It was so cunty. Have you seen There Will Be Blood? No. He took all my sheets? No, there will be. My panties? That is what there will be. Yeah.

Panty liners? You've got to see There Will Be Blood. It's one of the best movies ever made. What's it about? Oil, black tar, Texas tea, oil prospecting. And Paul Dano plays twins,

Twin brothers, two characters. One's a preacher. And then it is... Sugar and Spice. Mama. Yes, Sugar and Spice, TikTok, everything. It is Daniel Dave Lewis is taking the party and turning it all the way up to 11. Wait, isn't it a Quentin Tarantino movie? No, it's a Paul Thomas Anderson, I believe. Yeah. I gotta watch it. It's perfect. Paul Daniel, he eats. Mama, he eats, he chews and leaves no crumbs. And Daniel Dave...

Takes the whole buffet of his ass. Yeah. Takes the whole buffet of craft services up his ass. It's like almost insane how good he is in it. Are you going to, if I watch that, will you finally watch The Visit? Absolutely, I will. With the grandparents? Absolutely. I was looking for it because I thought it was Mama. No. Mama. That's Mama. Did you like Mama? We have Mama. I watched the trailer with Jessica Shitts. Mama. And Mamma Mia. Yeah. Yeah. A lot of options. Mama. Mama.

You know what? Megan honestly gave me ma in a great way. She gave me ma. She gave me little sis ma. It could have been. I hope that they do. Don't make me drink alone. Yeah. Um.

Yeah, I just, it was fun to see with people. If I had saw it alone at home, I probably would have been like, meh. It was fun to see with people because those song interludes were hysterical. Great touches. Crazy. So funny. But there was, I needed more gore, mama. More blood and guts. I know. I thought that that thing was a shotgun, not a water gun. But you got me borderline scared to watch The Terrifier. Mama, The Terrifier is disgusting. I'm nervous about that. I want to watch one. Because I don't like Crimes of the Future. Can I watch one scene with you?

But are you going to watch me while I watch it? Yes, it's only five minutes long. But I don't think you'll be able to finish it because I don't know if I will. But you love it. I don't love it. It was a very unforgettable experience. Unforgettable movie-going experience. The movie is half to, it should have been cut in half, edited. It was badly edited. Have you ever seen the movie Unforgettable?

Unforgivable? Unforgettable. Isn't that the Beyonce movie? No, Obsessed is Beyonce. Obsessed, yeah. Do you remember when she kicks that blonde girl in the face and says, get off me, you crazy white bitch? Is that Ellie Larder? Yes. So cunty. You crazy white bitch. But have you seen the movie with, what's her name from Grey's Anatomy? Smoker. Smoker.

Katherine Heigl. Katherine Heigl. Have you seen the movie with her and Rosario Dawson? Rosario Dawson's like the stepmom and Katherine Heigl's like the uptight ex-wife. No. Bitch. Is it fierce? Is it like horror? Pin straight 6'13 blonde hair in the mirror combing it like a psychopath. Are you going to watch The Last of Us? Is it a series? Yes.

Is it only one season? It's new. We don't know. Okay, then I will. Okay. I shall be tuning in. I played the game a bunch of times and it's... Is it Fierce Tina? Yes. And you know, I'm not a hater. So, but some people when they like, I read the Stephen King book, so I can't watch the movie. But there are two different things. I can watch the show. It's two different things. And not expect it to be the game. Because it's a movie, not a game and not a book. Yeah.

Three different things. Do you think I don't expect my shoes to be hats? This is one of those games where the acting and the animation pushed the limits of like storytelling. And I mean, it made grown men cry this game. What is up with Silent Hill in that pyramid head? Why do I keep seeing him fucking people online? What are you talking about?

I see porno versions of Pyramid Head from Silent Hill. Pyramid Head is daddy. That's why. Okay, so he's daddy. He's daddy. He's fucking. He's got a great physique and he's like silent and kind of, he's like Jason except with a triangle. Yeah, and like very violent and sort of unrelenting. And there's something very hot about that.

threat okay so i was like pyramid we even with that large he had to drop the sword first perforated colon yeah but he's got this in these little videos i've been um perusing every once in a while of course for research purposes um he's got he's got the dick of death yeah good for him yeah silent hill i don't have like a big dick obsession but pyramid had you know he's got a big demon dick

He's not like, I'm going to fucking bring you pain. That's not happening. Let me just get hard first. What do you think about really big, heavy jewelry on a dick? Not piercings. Pearls. A wrist relax. Sapphires. Paradigm. What do you think about when people whip out their dick and it's that big metal loop off the end? For me, personally, it's definitely not a turn on. It verges on turn offs.

Cock rings for me are actually quite a turn off. In what way? The accessory. Just like the presence of it? Yeah, the presence of it. I find them to be not like- Have you ever worn one? Yeah, yeah. I find them incredibly uncomfortable. And I think- Yes, horrible. I tear out about half my pubes. It's horrible. It's horrible. They don't even work. They just stay hard. If you can't stay hard-

But I don't want it scary hard and slightly in pain. Yeah, exactly. I don't want these things. Because I'm not into CBT cock and ball torture, you know? But then people who like the cock rings, they're like, well, maybe you have the wrong size. I'm like, or maybe you like your dick to hurt. And that's fine, but I don't. I don't. I don't like the way... I really don't like the way they look. And I also don't like...

like accoutrement sexy accoutrement in the bedroom like leather harnesses or straps or things like that I know there was a corneum played out but I really ooh I really don't like the cock rings that are like a leather strap with a snap why

It's just like a snap in the skin. It just makes me feel like it. Mary, the rubber ones you have to like stretch to get off. That's worse. And then it's there. But then you have to pull it off and you take off about 75 pubes. But not if they've all fallen out due to my autoimmune disorder. But yours are so gray and so thick. Do you have a gray pube? No. No. How would you know though? You're blonde.

I'm blind too. No, I'm like dishwater. I have like brown. Ew. I don't want to talk about my pubic hair. Great pubes. Pubes is such a disgusting word. Pubes. You like pubes, bitch. What color are your pubes, bitch? Show me those pubes, bitch.

I hate that word. Why don't we go down to like the Abbey and go to one of the go-go dancers and be like, show me those pubes. Yeah. Can we get a glimpse of those pubes? Baby, big, bushy pubes. My friend, our friend, Daniel was visiting. Yeah. And he was like, the grinder, the et cetera here. He's like, the full fisting and the drug use. I said, this is Los Angeles. That is. It's the trifecta. It's fisting, drug use, and then.

Shitting. Yeah. Because it's, you look at it, it's like, Oh wow. Is this a modeling catalog online here? And you're like, huh?

Why is that 10 talking to me? Oh, because they want me to go lay a turd in their mouth. Right. On Fairfax. Yeah. And Santa Monica. Yeah. You know? Well. Well, thank you all so much and happy Insurrection Day. January 6th. January 6th. It will live in our hearts and minds for quite a while. That was really shocking to watch last year. Marjorie Taylor Greene. I don't like her. She is a literal.

I don't get into her. No, she's not. I don't even find her ironically entertaining. But you know, a lot of times with people across the aisle, I try to go, well, everyone's telling their own story. Everybody's trying their best. This ain't no aisle. With her, it's really hard. This ain't no aisle. This is a person who's talking about Jewish lasers. You know what I mean? This is a person who is not connected with any kind of consensus reality fit to govern a population of people. But just yesterday, I went up on the roof and helped David polish his laser. And we had great weather today. Yeah.

I know. Should we start calling David and asking for him to adjust the weather? David, enough already. I mean, silver. I know you know a gold stain. Come on. Just get a sunny day. People out there believe that Jews control the weather. People are insane. Yes. People are insane. And then they become officials in office.

That's what I don't understand. Just sit. Just sit. No, no, no. Don't sit at home. What if some crazy people used to push a shopping cart? Oh, no, no, no. Go get a job. Own a business. Own a crazy rifle business or something. But do not become a public servant, you fucking freak. You really don't have to. Public service.

They're not doing none of that. I want to do public service, my public service. I mean, I want to help the people I want. Yeah. I want to, I want to spout crazy conspiracy theories, um, live large and, um, just drum up a paranoia and hysteria in my constituency. Politicians should be paid nothing.

They should get minimum wage. Thank you. Say it again. Maybe not minimum wage, but like livable minimum wage, because then we would have a livable wage. The minimum wage would be $400 an hour. Well, that's what I mean. It has to be dynamic minimum wage. Yeah. It has to be like, you know, they're servants. They serve the public and yet they don't pay their taxes. And people should, they're fucking hookers. People should not be allowed to take money from,

Like from lobbyists and shit and corporations? Yeah. We have an oligarchy, a capitalist oligarchy here. Big pharma. I don't like it. No, it sucks shit. Let's move to Denmark. It's not fair. Yeah. Bleaky, bleaky. Bleaky, bleaky Denmark. Bye. Bye.

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