Hell Hath No Fury Like a Cockroach Scorned with Trixie and Katya
53:04 Share

Wow, you literally look like you're on a haunted ship. I love this hotel. I love everyone. They moved me rooms because this was the room with the good Wi-Fi. And I think I'm watching porn like one pixel at a time.

It's okay, you have to recruit your imagination when you're in these ye olde English cottage hotels. What's it called? The Gore? Well, I think, yeah, I think by the time this comes out, I'll be gone. So I feel comfortable saying this is The Gore, which I think was built in the 18th century. So the 1700s. Yeah. So I don't know if you can tell. It's one of those places that has really high ceilings. It looks really spooky, especially at night. Yeah. Yeah.

It's definitely an old hotel, an old maiden hotel. But, you know, I'll say this. Now that I own a motel and it's public information and everyone knows it, when I stay places, the service is better than it used to be. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Like... Wait, what? So, wait, the service is magically better?

Yeah, so like when I stay somewhere, I'll always walk into like flowers with a card that says like, we love you. That says like, we love your motel. Hope you love ours. Like that kind of thing. They step their pussy up hospitality wise for you. Yes, because I'm in this industry. I'm one of the girls. Yes, as if you needed any more massaging or frills or, you know, the more money you make and the more successful you become, they should treat you more like shit. Totally.

Because I'm like karma. Yeah, I agree. You know what I mean? Like rather than a mint on your pillow, like a knife in your bed. When my last guitar player, when he was playing for me, we were at a meet and greet or something. And I got a $10 Taco Bell gift card as a fan gift. And he goes, and the rich get richer.

I mean, it's always like bottled my mind. Why? I know there's probably a reason, like a quid pro quo thing, but like, why did the, why are the rich, the ultra wealthy, always the one who get freebies, bonuses, discounts? Like, why? Why? Don't even get me. Gouge them. We live in a world where the people who have

been fortunate enough to pay off their loans are complaining that people are getting loan forgiveness. Oh my God. Oh my God. That petty, that brigade. Worms in the brain. That I had to pay my loans so you have to too, brigade. They are so out and vocal. It is, I'm truly like, it's like, well, I was attacked in an alley when I was 16. So I think you should be too.

That's the thing. We've talked about this before. I paid all my loans off at once. And when this news happened, it did not even cross my mind to think, oh, I guess I should have saved 10,000 of them for this. Yeah, it should have crossed my mind. I should have made the minimum payment so that all that interest could have accrued over these 10 years so that I could, you know, be in. I was like, what? Also, it's only what, 10 grand? Yeah.

Go get it. Give me a break. It's 10 grand, which, you know, it's, it's a lot. I mean, $10 is a lot of money, but like, it's not even like it's all of it. And also, I don't know. I, the system is so broken. We need to figure out some way for people to go to school where they don't have to borrow money. Cause on one hand, it's weird to ask 18 year olds to sign their life away to owe sometimes hundreds of thousands of dollars for an undergraduate degree.

Yeah. On the other hand, I can understand how a loan company is like, why am I the devil that you won't pay my money back that I loaned you? Right. Either side is both sides is wrong. There needs to be some version of this where people can get the education they need and not be like horribly in debt. And we should not allow these. We also shouldn't allow these.

These lending companies, they are just doing the job they said they would do, which is to borrow you money. So there needs to be some kind of version of this where you can get a loan to maybe help out with your student experience and it's not predatory. And a loan company can...

lend you money in a way where they make maybe some modest profit but it's not insane well see that's the problem i mean that's the i think that whole modest profit is wouldn't exactly fly at a board meeting in any corporation you know somebody was like wait wait listen guys what if we just made a modest profit this quarter they'd be like you're fired no idea we should education shouldn't be a business well i mean that's why like republican uh you know

leaders always do well with big businesses because it's never like a democratic person taking like

I don't know. Even if you are like completely socialist and you're against corrupt government that's being paid off by big companies, if you enter a room where every single one of your opponents is funded out the ass by big businesses, you're like, whether or not I agree with this, the system is so broken. My only way to get my message out is to participate in this type of behavior. And it's like, yeah, I don't know. It's like if you're,

If you're somebody with super liberal, super progressive things you want to talk about, but you need money to run or to have your voice, it's like, how can you play with these Republicans who are taking all... It's so crazy. It's so crazy. And someone was saying, and I always think about like, oh my God, even to get in the room, any of those rooms, Senate, House of Representatives, President, you need like...

To be the president, it just takes money. You have to buy it. You have to buy your office. Well, that's the issue. It's so crazy. Even if your platform is, we need to stop representatives from accepting bribes. Corruption. We need to stop corruption. You need to accept money to deliver that message. Yeah.

- You have to. - And so whether or not you agree with it, you have to play the game because the only way to fix the system is from within the system. It's like so circular. It's like you have to do evil to do good. It's really weird. - And then I think by the time it takes you to get into the room, you've already become evil. - I know. - Well, anyway, let's pivot away from evil politics 'cause I wanna talk to you about something much more evil.

Although, you know, you and I did have that one episode in Australia where we used our big panties and our big brain panties. And we talked about the evils of the world. And even though we don't do that, I was humbled by the very positive response to that. Because I don't want to ever talk about dark shit. But once in a while, it's okay to nod the fact that the building's on fire. But then we need to go back to our own lane. Well, we need to keep it to local dark shit, which is mine and your shit. Yeah.

Well, let's talk about... Listen, speaking of let's celebrate that, you are reporting live from your first home you own. Yes, I am. And oh my God, wait. So yes, speaking of one percenters and evildoing, I am reporting live from my new house. You're not the NRA. I'm not.

No, but they live right next door. And in a very ghostly, weird turn of events, your old framed photo that I have of you, I would pan over, but I have this thing set up on a Kleenex box. I don't want to disrupt the frame. Fell off the wall and shattered on your birthday.

I swear to God. I swear to God. So I overslept. Like I slept 12 hours because I got a new bed and it's so comfortable. And I wake up to your portrait off the wall or a little bit later and it shattered. The frame broke. And so there's this old picture of you and it's very, I got to get it reframed, I guess. Anyways. Yeah. I love my new house. Girl, I'm so happy for you. You know, you work really, really hard and honest. Well, you work hard for you.

I had to catch myself when I said that. When everybody said that, I'm like, actually, Ellen, that's not true. Can I say that for a cross-dresser, you've clocked a lot of years in the industry. Yeah. Any industry, if you were in one industry for 15 years, which is about how long you've been in it, you should be able to do things like invest in a home. I mean...

Well, I saved a lot of money. Honestly, like... I saved a lot of money. You saved a lot of money. And you saved a lot of money. And you did a lot of things that I know firsthand you did not feel like doing. Most things. Such as... Showing up. Going to work. Yeah. Going to work. Staying at work. Continuing the next day to do that. You're self-employed, though. And honestly, none of this is guaranteed. No work is guaranteed. You're allowed to, like...

Now you have a nest egg. And now someday, if everybody doesn't want to see you and no one cares, you have something to sell. Yeah. And thank you for framing it in such a polite, wonderful way. But there is, I have a tenant. I become what I have always feared and reviled as a property owner, a landlord. I have a tenant, a cockroach, a cockroach-a.

In my closet. So wait a minute, how did you find out about it? Okay, so how did I? Well, there's a newsletter in my kitchen every morning. And I was reorganizing my underwear on my unmentionables drawer. And I was like, oh, that's a fun wooden lacquer button someone left in there. And then the button started to move. And I said, oh, that's a cockroach. So I need to like, for real, I need to flip the script right now on this bug story.

Okay. I need to flip the script on the bug story. I live in the jungle, Mary. You should see my backyard. It's a jungle. It's a jungle out there. Literally. I have a pest person and you should, you should, any, any branches that touch the home, you should be spraying for termites. And then you can honestly, like when we go back on tour, you should bomb the place while you're gone. Well, I'm going to bomb it tonight. Cause I think I just got to get rid of it. I was trying to maybe just set fire to the bedroom, but I think the whole place has got to go.

Girl, let me clarify. When I lived in the Midwest, when I would see a roach, I worked at a restaurant, I would see a roach once in a while. They were maybe the size of a larger tic-tac, a jelly bean. Oh. A jelly bean. The roaches in Los Angeles are literally that size. This is a baby. Mama, this is the baby. Girl. This is the time. In my house...

You know my bedroom in my condo, you know, the carpet's white? I remember one night I was up reading a book and I just saw basically a brown bar of soap all over the house. And I was like, what? And they get so big and they're like, they waddle. They waddle. Girl, the house shook. I was like Jeff Goldblum, like my glass of water next to the bed was like, I had to get up and kill it with a cowboy boot and I had to hit it really hard.

But you've got to, my suggestion is put the noise canceling headphones on if you have them available because that crunch, that is the, that crunch. When you hit that crunch. When you hit that crunch. Crunch.

That crunch. It's a squelch. It's like a, like, it's almost like you're, you're putting, you're literally like a chiropractor at that point. You're a chiropractor. You're making an adjustment. Adjustments. It's an adjustment TikTok. Adjustment ASMR. Also, when you kill it, you walk away. It's the legs. It's the. Oh, okay. Wait. So I'm flipping the story right now on the bug thing. First of all, spiders everywhere. I got to get used to it. Okay. It's fine.

Spiders are fine. Spiders are fine. But I'm going to say cockroaches are fine because that motherfucker is probably crawling all over me last night, getting up into my pussy hole. Girl.

Can I say that there are two types of insects that are very scary that we need to tolerate. One is spiders. I know it's not an insect. It's a magnet. And bees. Okay, no, bees ain't shit. Bees ain't shit. Bees are important. But I'm saying those are creepy, but they're fine. Cockroach, for what? Centipede. Centipede.

- Absolutely not. I saw a TikTok of like a glass jar, a glass bowl over a silverfish and it was just crawling in a silverfish. I said, you need, I know Oprah says you're not supposed to go to a second location, but you need to go to a second location. You need to get out of the house. - So how about this? How about this? - Can I ask, would you rather have roaches or a ghost? - Oh, a ghost, Mary. I'm so lonely.

But like an annoying ghost. But you know how some performers have like talent? What if you took that roach and you like trained it to do... Roach mom. I don't know, to shake or... Roach mom. I could be like in the wings. You know how we practice. Oh my God. Yes. Stage mom. Yeah. Yeah. Totally. I left the door open so this back door to the jungle, I didn't lock it one day. It came home after a full day of errands, wide open.

Lizard in the house. Lizard. Lizard in the house. There's a lizard. Lizard is very pale. I'm going to call her Elizabeth because Liz, you know, lizard. And she's real cute. And I saw her and I was like, and then I'm like, is there a coyote in here? Mary, anything could have been here. Six, seven hours that door was open. Girl. Six, seven hours. Close that door. The door is closed. Close that door. It's locked shut. You got to close the door to the spiritual realm.

So much is happening, I can't even tell you. Well, you have to close the door or you have to get a screen. But honestly, lizards are fine. We had a lizard in the motel and it was totally fine. Well, they're everywhere in Southern California. They're always bibbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bobbidi-bob

The Bald and the Beautiful is supported by FX's English Teacher. From Paul Sims, the executive producer that brought you What We Do in the Shadows, FX's English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school.

I cannot wait to see this amazing new show with the preternaturally hysterical Brian Jordan Alvarez. It's from the producer of one of the greatest TV shows of all time. And can I let you in on a little secret? A certain Miss Trixie Mattel makes a guest appearance on the show and whoa, it is a sight to behold. Take it from me, a connoisseur of quality television programming. You do not want to miss this show. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

Today's episode is brought to you by Angie. Angie has made it easier than ever to connect with skilled professionals to get all your jobs and projects done well. Let me tell you, there's the version of it where you try to do something at home and then there's a version of it where you have someone help you, you watch them do it the right way and you go, thank God I didn't try to do that myself.

I have fully done things around the home that I think look good and then a bang in the night and I wake up to a shelf collapsing, a painting falling off the wall. Like it, I've seen it all go south. I own a home and I can tell you, I know how much work it can take. Whether it's everyday maintenance and repairs or making dream projects a reality, it can be hard just to know where to start. But now all you need to do is Angie that and find a skilled local pro who will deliver the quality and expertise you need.

Whatever your home project, big or small, indoor or outdoor, you can Angie that and connect with skilled professionals to get the project done well. Right now, one of my wish lists is I want a bike for my condo in Milwaukee and I would love to rig it up on a pulley in the ceiling because I have one of those like lofted ceilings.

but I'm so scared to try that on my own. Angie has 20 years of home experience and they've combined it with new tools to simplify the whole process. Bring them your project online or with the Angie app. Answer a few questions and Angie can handle the rest from start to finish or help you compare quotes from multiple pros and connect instantly, which means you can take care of any home project in just a few taps.

Because when it comes to getting the most out of your home, you can do this when you Angie that. Download the free Angie mobile app today or visit Angie.com. That's A-N-G-I dot com. Well, I gotta tell you this. Speaking of break-ins, today at my house, my new house, the one I haven't moved into yet, I had the alarm set. I have like something like

Something like truly 40 or 50. The window sensors, door sensors, glass shatter sensors, all of that set all over the house. The museum. And today I got a message that one of the windows was opened and broken into. And AGT called me and said, hi, what's your password? Whatever. Do you want to, is everything okay? I said, I don't know. I'm in London. Why don't you go check? Eight hours later now, no one's called me back. You know, there was. I mean, there's nothing to, there's nothing to steal, but like.

I don't live there. Yeah, but they could be vibing. They could be in there vibing. And honey, they need to pay you a dollar. I'm like, go talk to the ghost. Yeah, that's the ghost. If it's if it's like a low grumble, that's Cheryl. If it's like a wispy kind of whoosh, that's Gerard. Yeah. I am 33. Yeah. I did what I did what God intended, which is to be on a work trip on my birthday. Yeah. Away from my friends, family and everyone. I woke up.

Got some, I got a cool lime refresher. Oh, get this. In the States, they're called refreshers. In the UK, they're called refresher with an A. Which are like a refresher vibes. Refresher. Oh. Yeah. They still sell those? Got one of those delivered.

Yeah, delicious. I put on my running clothes. I played my guitar while I let my little coffee kick in. Went and run three miles. Got back to my room. And in my room, the hotel had ordered me a pink cake with a card for my birthday. And they delivered it. It was so cute and so good. You got to remember, the lowest level pastry in the UK is God tier pastry in America. Right. It's just everything else that's so horrible.

yeah with the black and wi-fi air conditioning you know but the the cake was but those was like weighed seven pounds i think it was straight butter it was so good it was so good so then i ate that went for my little run played my guitar for a little bit i went shopping i went to the koopas and bought an outfit and then i went to harrods and i bought um these little white low uh

I almost said lowercase. Low top little Prada sneakers I've wanted for a while. Okay. For my birthday. And then I went to, oh, oh, bitch. You know, Michelle Collins, the comedian. Yes.

Love her icon. She invited me and Leland from the production of what I'm working on. Yeah. She invited us to come to dinner with her at the Ritz. And I said, oh, my God, I would love to. I wore a jacket with a button up shirt, brand new sneakers, brand new black jeans. I never washed black. And I walked up like, yeah, I'm like probably overdressed, but it's my birthday. I walk up.

I've never been to the Ritz. A man in a true toy soldier outfit comes up and goes, you can't be in here in that outfit. And I said... Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Are you serious? He said those words. I'm dead serious. You can't. I am dead serious. You cannot be serious. I said, my friend is... And then I said, oh, my friend is staying here. I'm meeting for dinner. And he goes, yeah, if you're going to wear... The jacket's fine, but you need to be wearing a tie and you need to be wearing dress shoes. And I said...

"Are you sure?" I said, "These aren't dress shoes, but they're $900 sneakers. I bought them today. They're brand new." And he goes, "I can borrow you some shoes." He said, "I can borrow you some shoes." I said, and this is crazy. I looked at him and there's something about straight men like telling me something that makes me want to cry right away. I think it's like my trauma. And he goes, "We could also borrow you a tie." And my eyes started to well.

And he looked at me like alarmed. And I said, I have to go. I'm really embarrassed. And I walked out. Oh my God. I was so embarrassed. I walked out. I hailed a cab. I got in the car and I said, take me back to Intel. And I'm texting Michelle going, I got kicked out. I got asked to leave. And so then I text Leland and I go, I don't know what you're wearing, but I got asked to leave.

And then he goes, oh my God, I'm not dressed correctly either. So then I meet up with him. We go somewhere else. Yes. I was so embarrassed. And I don't know why. I guess I thought like, cause it's my birthday and I thought it was overdressed. You have to imagine. I thought I'd have to be bashful about being overdressed. Somebody from the, somebody from a colonial reenactment of the Titanic was like, get the fuck out of here. You, it was so unwashed, poor piece of shit.

Oh my God. I've never been to the Ritz. I didn't know. And I was so embarrassed. I was so, there's so many things that I should have been. Yeah. There's so many things I love about this. Number one, I like the rich person. Shaming is amazing. Also like I, I, I feel like if I were in that position at this point in my life, I would have been like,

Oh, okay, yes, I would love to borrow some shoes and a tie. Um, but could you just do me a favor and hold this huge steaming pile of turd that just came out of my bum? Because I don't think I'm going to be able to bring this in. Or can I? Ooh!

No, it was so embarrassing. It was like, I don't know what's so embarrassing about someone offering to borrow you clothes. Yeah, because you're a miserable wretch and you're trying to get into the ritz. It's not that borrowing clothes is embarrassing. No. It's that I showed up almost like, wow, I'm going to embarrass myself by going a little too hard. But it's my birthday and so like, I'm just going to do it. Yeah. And then he was like, oh, you can't be like, it was like, yeah.

And it's one thing, like I, I, I don't do dress codes clearly. And like the one thing I will, um, I will do no bowling, you know, bowling shoes on. I will like, I will, um, follow that dress code very, very rigidly. You know what I mean? Uh-huh. Well, that's the sport, right? I mean, you're not going to wear sneakers on the, in the bowling alley. You're going to change in the shoes.

So then tomorrow I'm going to a little dinner with Michelle and she goes, oh, meet me here at this time. And I said, what's the dress situation? And she goes, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. And I go, what was she wearing? A fucking belt, like a Oscar de la Renta ball gown. Oh no. Okay. Sorry. It was Michelle Collins. I was meeting up with at the race. Yes. Yes. Today I talked to Michelle massage. I'm meeting her tomorrow. Okay. Okay. And I said, what's the dress code? And she, oh, by the way, Michelle Collins is wearing a dress. I think she said from Zara. It was like,

Well, women really, I think we've tortured women long enough and still do with dress stuff. Let her go naked. Yeah. But also I talked to Graham Norton about it and he said, well, one time I was there and the Dalai Lama was there. And since the Dalai Lama, even though he was male, won't wear like a jacket and stuff, there was no dress code that day.

So you have to be the fucking Dalai Lama. You have to be an enlightened Buddhist patriarch to get to the race without a tie. Girl, I look like Dolly Parton and I smell like a llama. Can I get something? Mary, the Dalai Lama. But I love these moments where it doesn't matter. I love these moments where it doesn't matter if you have stumbled into some success.

So once in a while, your white trash poor breeding comes out because you don't understand social norms. Yeah. So tomorrow I'm meeting Michelle for dinner and I go, oh, is there a dress code? And she goes, no, just, you know, dress smart, kind of stylish. And I said, no, no, no, no, no, no. I just got asked to leave the Ritz. So I need more information. Yeah. Just smart and kind of stylish. Way too broad when you're dealing with crooked tooth, like a colonial fucking, um,

No kidding. It's the UK. I'm like, I have veneers. I actually own this fucking place. My skin isn't like orange on purpose. Yeah, I know. Although on this thing I'm working on, the self-tanning has been, I'm actually pretty washed out today, but the self-tanning is.

She's burnished off. You're burnished. Oh girl, I'm going off. It's the self tan covered with cosmetic rub in tan covered with body bronzer. And I am a gremlin. Awesome. I look like I own a toe ring shop in Boca Raton. It's really shocking. But you're not at liberty to divulge any information about this current project. I'm assuming. Right.

I just am always afraid of getting in trouble. Yeah. I will say this. If you think I'm filming what I would be filming here, I'm filming that. Yeah. And I already said that I've been with Graham Norton and Michelle. So like, what else are we doing? Yeah. We're doing celebrity. Yes. But I'm also reading because I'm in the UK. I'm reading this book called The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Oh, yeah.

by Alan Moore because it's a graphic novel. I read graphic novels now. Oh yeah. Oh, Watchmen. It's very British. Mary, Mary, Mary. I didn't just read Watchmen. You bought the t-shirt too. Doomsday Clock, the DC crossover of Watchmen. Oh, I don't know that one. Okay. In this one, the world is about to end again. And so Ozymandias is like, well, Dr. Manhattan's been missing for 20 years.

But I think I know where he is. They crossed universes over to the DC universe where they find that Dr. Manhattan has been fucking over. He's been hanging out over with Superman, Batman. Oh, and it's sickening. And then I read before Watchmen, which is a prequel to watch women. Girl, we're the one. I think I read all the Watchmen now. But girl, Watchmen worked me out. Yeah. I think we read it again. Do it. Watch the series again. It's so lit.

Now that I've read everything, I think I would watch it again and I would actually collect more of what was going on. You know what you need to watch? So the same producer and director who did Watchmen, Mary, he did a show called Chernobyl. And you need to watch that shit yesterday. That sounds sad. Oh, are you kidding me? Mama, it's beyond sad. It's grisly. It's gruesome. It's horrifying. It's a true, like for a drag queen having success, it's a great antidote to your lifestyle.

It's like, like it is, it's so, so well done. It's so well done. It is so well done. Literally. What's it called? Chernobyl. And it's on. I thought it was pronounced Chernobyl. I said, hey, why is all that flesh melting off those guys' bones? You know, I said I'm a lot of things, but I never fucking said I was noble. Whoa.

You know, I know Cher doesn't listen to AirPods, but if she was, she just took out the AirPods and threw them in the ocean. That's what Cher would sound like if she had been in Chernobyl. Girl, oh, that is the way to put it. There's another, I've been doing a lot of research about graphic novels. There's another one I want to read called Black Hole. Do you know about this one? I think I do.

It's a graphic novel because I told you I read Watchmen and I told David Silver, I was like, I loved this book. And he goes, yeah, it's considered the best graphic novel of all time.

And I was like, okay, thank you. Fun fact, I think Time Magazine did a list of 100 of the most influential novels and Washroom was the only graphic novel in there. But Black Hole, I think is, from what I've read, it's a graphic novel about an STI that breaks out at a high school that makes you mutate and grow limbs and stuff.

And so it's about like teenage sex, STI stigma, where people like grow second eyeballs, third eyeballs and shit. Mama, that sounds like Crimes of the Future. Girl, bring on the body horror. We only do body horror now. This is Crimes of the Future podcast. Hi. Hello, I'd like to report a crime from the future. Speaking of Crimes of the Future, audiobook reading. Girl, mama.

Mama. I was imagining, wait, wait, I was imagining, like, you know how you see like certain, you know, clips and music videos where like, let's say a hip hop artist is like, they're in the sound booth, you know, they got all their friends around them, people are smoking plants, they're carrying on, there's like big titted women in the booth. And then, you know, you're in there with your notebook and you're vibing and it's like, it's like really like cozy and glamorous and it seems like the place you want to be. No, that's not the vibe. Yeah.

That's not the vibe. That's not what happened. In an audio book. No. You know, I think you're funny. I think I'm funny. Sitting alone in a room, reading your own writing to yourself. It's not, it's not a gas. No. It's not fun. No. There were a few moments where I like, well, actually there were maybe a 10 or 12 moments where I'm like,

I'm like, did I fucking write that? I sure fucking did. Jesus Christ. There was a few moments where the joke was like, I was like, oh, that's funny. And then there's a few moments where I go, girl, you are rotted. Your mind is rotted and you're going to hell. But it was just a lot of like, this would be fun to listen to if you didn't write it. Yeah. And also it would be fun to read it if someone else wrote it.

Exactly. I was like, I think the quality is good, but because I've, it's too much inside baseball. I'm like, this is really boring to read, but yeah, it was boring to listen to. No, no, no, no. But it was also like, I mean, I have to, I can't,

I was like, I was, you know, I think I did it all in one session and it was like, um, in a very rare professional moment, I decided to power through and like, and do more work than I was able to, you know, then I was required to thank you very much. Um, and then I'm waiting for my certificate in the mail. And, uh, but, uh,

It was one. I think you're certified. We don't need to give you a certificate. But there was that one engineer on the other side of the glass. And then there was a woman who was working remotely, who was in my headphones. And the way this woman had laser focused attention for the entire time, because she would pick up on these mouth clicks and these little gurgles. One time the guy heard my stomach growl and said, we should pause for lunch. It was like, they would say, oh,

they would say, it's a little too many mouth noises. Can you read that again? I said, do I not know that I talk like this? Yeah. Oh, that wet squelch was just me getting up from the chair. Sorry. And of course it's 9am. I'm at an empty stomach having black tea and my stomach is going. Yeah. Sounds like Yankee Stadium down there.

Yeah. Girl, I'm like, I wish I could get this kind of applause during my shows. It was it was. Yeah, it was. It was a lot. But I applaud them because they had to pay attention. I was like, y'all are having to pay so much more, so much more attention than I feel you need to. And that takes a lot of energy. I think we all the three of us worked really hard that day. Yeah. I mean, you know, reading the sections again, too, it's, you know.

Um, this book is, I mean, both books are satire. This one's definitely, I think we went bigger and weirder and grosser and more absurd because the workplace itself is absurd. Yeah. The workplace is full of like bizarre customs and bizarre things that are expected of you for no reason, you know? Yeah. Um,

And so it's like, if we're not writing something that is really inflated and insane and not grounded in, it should be like grounded in reality, but that's it. I mean, you and I exaggerate work life to, to extreme levels. Because also because my, my work life reality is also pretty extreme and, um,

ungrounded let's say well and also you know you and i talk from the heart in the book about not from the heart from personal experience about retail restaurant work right delivery driving we talk about all of that and we talk about like the pie in the sky entertainment right you know and so you know it's um people i think people will like it

I always think, who listens to audiobooks? Who listens to podcasts? But like, I constantly listen to podcasts and audiobooks. I know, it's like, God, losers as I put on my next podcast. Wait! Speaking of which, I have shifted to terrestrial radio.

In my long haul. Wait a minute. Mama. K and F W. Terrestrial radio. For the flyover states. Long haul truckers. She's back honey. She's back honey. Terrestrial fucking radio. Girl.

I cannot tell you! She's talking about the listeners and the viewers. Nympho Wars is back and it's actually more insane than it ever has been. Mama, it is, it's the only podcast. You need to pause this one and then delete it and then just go to KNFW for all of your terrestrial radio deets. And if you have ever thought that she and I are at all gutted. Mama, no. Correct.

We're a dusty dictionary. Dusty old fucking tone. We are a Webster's thesaurus. And those whores have me... I was in my drag room, like, I think I was doing a wig. And I was listening to them. And I was in there alone, scream laughing. Yeah, screaming. I was doubled over at the sewing machine just with my mouth open, like...

It's so funny. They are so funny. Girl, the Fire Island birthright trips for people in the flyover states. Did you see the little moment the Ann Dowd comes on? Fucking Ann Dowd. It's Madonna. I mean, the guest Terry Gross. I mean, I'm just saying words right now, but it was so funny.

By the way, I think last week's podcast, I don't know if you listened. I don't think it's coming out yet. We didn't do one. We didn't do one. I couldn't get it together. One of the new ads, one of the spokeswomen is Cher. What? Cher is now doing ads for us. We should do more celebrities in our ads. Wait, are you joking? Oh, it's you as Cher. Well, it could be Cher. We don't know.

I can't even do your bad share of her to me. The two voices are so similar. It's hard to tell. Can you do like a celebrity voice at all? Absolutely not. I could probably do like a man. Like I could probably maybe do like an old man. Some kind of old man. We think you could maybe do an old man. Tiny Tim.

Tiptoe through the tulips, through the window. Oh, you have to do an ad as Tiny Tin. Yeah. Well, if you buy this... What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What

- No, it's not enough. Okay, I'm gonna, calm down. It's fine. Sorry. - Wait, wait, wait, grab the camera. Grab the camera, show it. - I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't. Oh my God. - Ooh, that just gave me a chill. - Do you see it? - Oh my God. - Do you see it? - Put it outside. - Mama. - It feels like it's too big to kill. Like it feels like an animal. I'm gonna be a chiropractor. I know, come on baby. Come on. Come into the light. Oh, this is good. Oh, that got me worked up. Oh God.

- Mom, it flew on me. Oh, you're right over there, sorry. - They fly? - It flew on me. - Cockroaches fly? - Maybe it's something else. All right, should I jar it and then, oh boy, hold on. Fucking, okay, shit. - I think just throw it outside. It's too big to squash. They're like animals. - Mama, but I'm also not gonna touch it. I'm gonna put a glass on it. - Girl, oh, there's no world where you touch it. That's disgusting. - Thank you.

Here we go. Well, honestly, if anybody who's listening owns like a pest control place in LA, please reach out. I'm going to spray it. I have the spray. Sorry. Hit them with the got to be. No, I have bug spray, but where is it? Fuck my ass. Oh, it's huge, bitch. It's huge. Mary, you don't need bug spray. You need bug spray and a lighter.

Grab the torch. Where the fuck is the... Sorry. I don't like that. No, I don't like it either. And it was so big. Girl, people don't know. I mean, I don't want to say where you live. You kind of live up in the hills. It's wildlife up there. No, it's a jungle. Literally. I mean, it's a jungle. All right, the bowls. I'm putting a bowl over it. It's animals. Lisa Vanderpump has two swans.

Oh, where'd it go? One of her horses just died. One of her baby ponies just died. I lost it. Oh my God. Okay, well, that's great. Shit. Oh no. I don't think we've ever had anything so shocking happen on the pod. I know, this is really upsetting. Mary, I can't see it. Hold on. Well, if anybody's wondering about me, I'm having this lovely smooth chardonnay from Kiss of Wine. Stop it. It's a dry white. I'm trying to look for it.

You realize I can't sit down again until I find it. Well, this is a real call to action. If anybody knows a pest person in LA, they could reach out. This could be a great situation. Yeah, I'm like, this is stress. I have the door open. Maybe it could fly out. The thing is, I don't think they even bite. No, no, no. So I really wouldn't worry about it. It's not like, everything's brown in my apartment too. I can't see it. There's shit everywhere.

Alright. I'm closing my door because of the noise. -Speakable material. -Oh, mom. You didn't see it. It fucking flew at me. -I didn't see it. I have two minutes of battery on this computer. -Oh, I got it. It's on the chair. It's on the chair. Okay. Hold on. I can't. Do you see it? See, it's on a brown chair. You can't even fucking see it. Just grab it.

Oh, I'm pointing the thing. You're on the computer. I'm on the computer and you're pointing the phone. Good for you. It's on the chair. Oh, fuck. Okay. Well, trap it. I can't. It's on the arm of a chair. I can't trap it in a bowl. It's like, it's, do you know what I mean? Do you have a broom? Oh,

mama it's it's it's i oh it's huge the the antenna are so long it's basically a bird there's a bird in my house there's a bird in my house bitch mama that's a bird she's so i gotta tell you this okay um i gotta tell you this i was at the the park over here and um i think it's um

kensington park and there's a colony of wild parrots in the park apparently a film was there was a film being made here and some of the like actor parrots escaped and colonized this park so there's wild green parrots in the park here girl good oh my god it just it flew it's flying this is a bird bitch she's flying she's flying now she's on the wall

I'm showing the people. I'm so sorry. Go trap it. Go try it. I gotta kill it. I gotta kill it. Kill it. Okay, okay, okay. Oh, I'm gonna hear it. I need a bigger book. I need a large book. I need a fucking large book. Okay. Oh, I hate this. I hate it. See, kids, when you buy a house, you gotta have it checked for conflict. Oh my god! Okay. Oh!

Oh, the huge mangled corpse is just fucking splashed all over the wall. That just gave me another chill. The thought of that. Just the thought of it makes me sick. It's so disgusting. I'm so sorry, but that was... Mary, I hate that. My blood pressure. My blood pressure. My blood pressure. Mary, I don't need all this. I do live for that Studio 71 shirt. I know. I just literally happen to have it on. Isn't that funny? Um...

Wait, I gotta say one more thing. Oh, go ahead. Oh, go ahead. No, you go ahead. Shut up. The most UK thing happened today on top of the Wi-Fi, the air conditioning, everything being crazy.

I am on set and I go, can I use the laundry here? I have my clothes I need to wash. And they go, yeah, give it to me. And I go, well, I'm not going to let you handle my laundry. You lovely, you know, production assistant. I'll go put it in and you just switch it when it's clean. They switch it. They run it in the dryer three times. They gave it back to me. The clothing is sopping wet. I said, so, so if we have a dryer and it's not going to come out dry, what are we doing?

What's going on? Let's unpack. Mama, in the UK, dry is actually a synonym for soaking wet, which would explain when you say, can it be cold in here?

I think they mean, girl. Do you want it real hot and wet? I talked to a lovely colleague of ours, a big wig from our world. And they said, how's the air conditioning over on the set? I said, horrible. You know why? Because RuPaul's not there. I'm reporting. Well. Well. Well.

Although one time, I told you about this, when I worked on the Hello Hello video, it was 98 in the room. And you know, our lovely dancer, Tom Feeney, who dances on tour, goes, well, you know, for dancing, it's actually nice to have your joints kind of warm. If it's too cold, you can injure yourself. And I said, well, it looks like you're going to break both your little kneecaps today, huh? Well, that's why we have 911 on standby. Girl. Mary, I have...

That trauma of yours is so embedded into my body. It's like I was there and did it. Like I have such like, I have taken on that trauma from you. I really have. You could do a sense memory exercise. It's my memory and I need to go to therapy too. It was like, I just, oh my God. Oh Lord. It's my ultimate air conditioning one-up story because it was drag, hardcore dancing and 98. I remember taking photos of the, of the thermostat, 98 degrees Fahrenheit.

98 degrees. Yeah. The way that it's such a wrap and all that, you know, that's my internal body temperature. We don't do it. We need to close the door to the spiritual realm of heat. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's an HVAC podcast, guys. I hope you all have realized that at this point. But wait, this is who we are. Yes. And this is what we want. Let me ask you, let me tell you something. I have been having, well, I,

intercourse, but anally, right? And receptive anal intercourse, in fact. Do they know? How do I tell if they know? Usually it was the roach who would tell me, but since she's gone, I don't know what...

If you can bottom for someone without them knowing. That's a mortuary situation. I don't know how that happens, but. That's a mortuary. It's mom diving. Is it a lot of sex with the same person? It's not a lot yet, but I'm hopeful. I'm also realistic, but you know. What's a lot? Like once a week? Yeah, I would say that. Maybe. Yeah. That's a lot. Yeah. But I get to go actually. I'm wearing a Rolex. I've taken a Salmanex and I'm hitting that Trimax, honey. But you know what you need? What?

Terminex bitch. This motherfucker, this motherfucker's her antennae are longer than my legs. Girl, I'm not putting up with that. I don't think I want to either. I'm not accepting this reality. I need to move on. You need to move on. I, um, we, we, we got to go. We got to go. Oh, we got to go. What time is it? Oh, we got to go. Cause I actually have to go. Yeah.

Yeah. And happy birthday, Chick-fil-A. This international program. Happy birthday. You know, thank you very much. 33, 33. Can you believe? I remember saying as a young drag queen, if I was doing Dragway 30, I was going to kill myself. And here we are. Yeah. Don't worry, honey. We'll do that for you.

bye