Live at Just For Laughs Toronto with Trixie and Katya
01:03:31 Share

Here we go. We're ready to begin. Just for Laughs is proud to present the Bold and the Beautiful podcast live. Please give a warm welcome to your hosts, Trixie Mattel and Katya Zamolodchikova.

Day drag. Day drag.

Ooh, is this lighting? To be honest, is this overhead lighting? I think it is. I'm a little concerned about the harshness of this lighting. I think I look like a sedimentary rock being lit by a Bunsen burner in a seventh grade science class. How about that? Welcome, everybody. Thanks for coming on down to Meridian Hall. How many of you were at the show the other night here?

Yes! But you know it's a big event for the dolls because they've come dressed in their black chiquin. Yeah. We are in mourning. Yes. Well, the queen. Yes. The queen. The queen. Priyanka has died. Priyanka is dead.

Canada's finest has perished. But you know, it's a huge deal for not only for royalists and people who are sympathetic to the royal family, but for people who love coffin tours. And so I'll elaborate on that for a moment. So basically...

I've been a little bit obsessed with the viewing of the coffin, the Queen's coffin, of course, Queen Elizabeth II. Is it open? It's not open. Okay. It's not open. That's gripe number one I have with the royal family. I don't know if you know anything about Vladimir Lenin, but that motherfucker has had an open casket the last hundred years.

And they, the Russia has, they have really revolutionized, no pun intended, the, the, the,

The embalming process that keeps that dead motherfucker and perky and lovely. And so high, tight tits. Huge jug. Little softballs this close. And so you can go, you can wiggle on over to Red Square and view Lennon's dead body, open casket, and yet the queen is

Not even a week dead. Closed casket. The casket doesn't move at all. And so you just have to line up in queue forever. So I was thinking maybe a coffin tour. You know, if it's pulled by like a speedboat along the Mediterranean. And like if you know, like maybe it's like a yearly thing. If you know, you know. Yeah.

And if you don't know, you don't know. But like, I imagine, I imagine like the coffin is going to like, I mean, it's towed like by like monster trucks or like Lamborghinis or something. And it's like 400 miles an hour down the street, down these little village streets. And like, you can have your, you could like lean your wet hair out of the window. And when the coffin comes, it's dry. Do you know what I mean? Cause it's going fast. Yeah. It's going real fast. I think there's like a town crier. Yes. Who's in the front of it on a unicycle. Who's this? It's not these words, but it's the cadence of, ah,

I killed Sirius Black. It's that. Yeah. Queen's coffin coming through. Coming through. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I realized in the, you know, tragedy a lot of times does bear happy fruit. You know, sometimes things come of bad things, you know, good things happen. So I realized that my, if I make enough money to buy a boat, it's going to be called the Queen's Coffin. But it's Queen apostrophe S C-O-U-G-H-I-N apostrophe. Okay.

Right? Which kind of describes her before the death. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know. And me now. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Welcome to the podcast, everybody. Listen. You came.

And you knew we were going to launch right into either death or air conditioning. I say, why not both? You know, if I die, which could happen. Yeah, absolutely. Have you ever seen, okay, in True Blood, there's this part where Pam has like, she's getting her like injections to like grow her skin back when she has that curse on her. Yes, yes. And it's like a, a, a like Tiffany, um, like Jeffree Star presents, um,

pink tufted, like beautiful little bed. But I'm not going to look good because it's, you know, I'm going to be an old man. I think I'm going to live a while. You think so? I had a lot of sun damage. I went to one of those dermatologists where they take a photo, whatever picture of your skin to show you what spots are coming down the pipe. Oh, wow. And I said, well, what can we do about that? And they said, well, a lot of this, you know, the sun damage is done when you're a kid. I said, then why are we here? Yeah. Why are we bringing it up? Why are we reading? Can I just read you from what? Did you say coming down the pipe? Coming down the pipe.

The pipe? Do you know what that means? I mean, I think I know. I got a few things coming on the pipe. It doesn't mean poop. No, no. Isn't it? Wait, it's not. It's not about drugs. I know it's not about drugs. Did you say pipe? I thought it was. The only part of this she heard. I thought it was the pike. It is. Thank you. Are you serious? And who the fuck are you, bitch? How did you know, bitch? Who said it? Who fucking said it? You said it. He said it. He's saying you said it. Is it the pike?

Yes, it's always been the pike. Like the mass pike is the highway that goes through. No, you sit back down. This isn't about you. It's the pike. Yes. Coming down the pike. What the fuck? I have a college education. What the fuck? Drag queens, we are so stupid. So stupid. Sorry, guys. So stupid, but also so belligerently stupid. Yeah. Aggressively stupid. Aggressively stupid. And then aggressively defensive. Yeah, it's the pike. What is a pike?

Well, the pike is like a highway. No, it's not. Is it really? It's the Mass Pike. The Mass Pike in Boston. Isn't it a river? No. I don't know. Listen. Well, even if it was a river, it would still make sense.

Pipe. I have said that so long, so confidently in front of so many fucking people. And no one's ever said anything except this guy. You are the truth teller I could have used so many times in my life. Thank you for being a whistleblower. We really appreciate it. Thank you. Will you come on tour with us and spell check our life? Well, actually, it's Pipe. I do have to apologize. My dress is awfully short tonight. Oof.

Are there any children here? We were at a comedy show last night and oh my God, was there a funny moment. Yes. We were at a comedy show and there was a funny moment. You would have never believed it. I'm not a fan of comedy. Like, sorry, sorry, JFL, whatever. But like, I...

As the writer of our stage show so succinctly pointed out, comedy is just not funny. The two things, ironically, the two things we shit on the most are comedy and drag. Yeah, I know.

Girl, we'll be backstage and we'll come into each other's dressing rooms in like, I don't know, one lash and half a lip and I'll be like, girl, drag is tired. Yeah, I was like, girl, comedy is so corny. Corny, tired, and played out and cheesy. Yeah, and rotten. So anyways, so they had a, there was a moment where Christian Schaal needed to, um,

get, I think, Canadian citizenship or something. So they were doing a live dating thing where the two contestants come up from the crowd and in a competition dating scenario and one with the winner she would marry. And the winner turned out to be 17 years old. 17 years old. And I mean, I don't know what's wrong with me. I couldn't see that at all. I couldn't see that at all. Ironically, there's probably a lot of 17-year-old girls here who would marry you. Wow.

See, she's standing up. Thank you. We'll see you in a year. Now, what is the age of consent here in Canada? What's the age of consent in Canada? 16? Well, what was the problem? Who cares? What happened? What was the problem? I guess what is... Maybe they didn't know. What was the problem? So can you legally... Wait, can you get married at 16? No. Okay, that's the problem. Okay. Because she was looking for a husband, not somebody to fuck. That was the bit. It was a great program. It was Alex Adelman was in the show. Otsko. It was Puddles the Clown came out at the end. It was like...

Like the MDMA hit or something and the clown walked on stage. But you know what though? I talked to him after the show. It wasn't as much a conversation because Puddles doesn't talk, even off stage. So what I learned about myself is if someone doesn't talk back to me, I get very uncomfortable. So you're Puddles, which is pretty easy. And I'm looking at his very, very big feet and I go, so, I have very big feet too, look. And I put my foot next to him and he's like,

I was like, it must be hard to find shoes. I know for me, I'm a women's 14, so it's really tough. And he's just like, and I was like, do you want some wine? I think they have Italian soda. And he was like, and then I just started to feel like, I don't know, like an ignored bird or something. I was just like, am I real? Like, no.

Wait, is that part of his shtick? That he doesn't talk. Oh, really? Yeah, he doesn't talk. Oh, wow, that's very strange. And his partner was there, this beautiful woman. I was talking to her, and she was like, he doesn't want it. I was like, how do you know what he wants? I guess that's the connection. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it's like, if you have a clown in your life, it's like having a companion animal or something. You just know. You just know. You just know. Oh, I went to Cirque du Soleil. What?

When? Oh, I didn't tell you. But let me tell you now. New information? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. This is wild. Yeah, yeah. I went to start to slay in Ottawa, your country's fine capital city. Five people. Okay, great. Very bitter about not being the capital. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ottawa's kind of Flaptina, to be honest. It's a little bit Flaptina. But most...

Many capital cities are Brasilia, flop. Canberra, flop. A lot of these municipal bureaucratic cities are just not very well. They're just not very fun. But anyways, I went to Cirque du Soleil and I almost had almost my desire to be a contortionist reignited, but then butted heads real quick with the reality of my 40-year-old body. Oh, baby! Oh, shit! Tricky! Tricky!

Wait, did you get so moved that you started to in your seat? Something.

You did, didn't you? I sure did. You started to test your limits. I sure did. I know you did. I was like, it was me and Eden, and I was like, okay, the contortionist act is, I've seen the show three times ten years ago, and I was sitting down, and I was just waiting for it. Three contortionists come out, these gorgeous, lovely women. It was only two this time, and they were Mongolian, but that's fine. And they were...

It was so, and the way that they were doing it fast, the legs, and then over, and then all. Oh, so it was like speed contortionism. Yes. It was like totally synchronous, perfectly in unison. And it was just so, I started to cry. I started to cry. I was like this. I was like, and then I started, and then I was like, oh, it's never going to happen for me. Oh no. But it's fine though, because I just don't have the body.

kind of thing anymore. A lot of wear and tear in the legs. Is it sort of like a compulsion? Like, what's the song? Like, Buttons by the Pussycat Dolls? If it comes on, you can't not like... Or like, I'm a slave for you. I want to be... Yeah, yeah, yeah. But a lot of them, there's a... It was 11 years old. It was 11 years old. 11 years old. And I watched Cirque du Soleil for the first time and I went home and then stretched and stretched and stretched and six months later, I could sit on my head.

Wait, seriously, not joking, not joking. Seriously. Do you remember? Do you remember when Taylor Swift told that story about doing the splits? No, you don't know about this. It was a quote in a Mac. Does anybody else remember this?

Okay, it was like Vogue or something. And they asked her about a time she overcame adversity. This is not a joke. This is just a story. I'm kind of Tarantino-ing it. I already told you what she says, but she was like, I wanted to do the splits, and I never had been able to do the splits. And so I went home, and I stretched, and I stretched, and I stretched, and soon...

I could do the splits. That was her being like, isn't that amazing? That's a harrowing journey. What a tale of triumph. Well, the good news is if you're young enough, you can train yourself through the splits. If you're 40 and you've never done it, I wouldn't say, it's going to be an uphill battle that might end in

Dislocation. But this was before the full grift of puberty had sort of swathed itself over my body. I was very pliable still. I gotta tell you guys, any youngsters out there, you might want to try this maybe with a gym coach or something, but it's a really unique feeling, the sensation of having your buttock flesh press into the crown of your head. Okay, I would actually say that if you're a youth and your gym teacher wants to have a unique experience with your butt flesh...

I think you should tell a friend. Or at least don't go in alone. That is a really good point. You know what I mean? That's a really good point. That's a really good point.

The Bald and the Beautiful is supported by FX's English Teacher. From Paul Sims, the executive producer that brought you What We Do in the Shadows, FX's English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school.

I cannot wait to see this amazing new show with the preternaturally hysterical Brian Jordan Alvarez. It's from the producer of one of the greatest TV shows of all time. And can I let you in on a little secret? A certain Miss Trixie Mattel makes a guest appearance on the show and whoa, it is a sight to behold. Take it from me, a connoisseur of quality television programming. You do not want to miss this show. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

Today's episode is brought to you by Angie. Angie has made it easier than ever to connect with skilled professionals to get all your jobs and projects done well. Let me tell you, there's the version of it where you try to do something at home and then there's a version of it where you have someone help you, you watch them do it the right way and you go, thank God I didn't try to do that myself.

I have fully done things around the home that I think look good and then a bang in the night and I wake up to a shelf collapsing, a painting falling off the wall. Like it, I've seen it all go south. I own a home and I can tell you, I know how much work it can take. Whether it's everyday maintenance and repairs or making dream projects a reality, it can be hard just to know where to start. But now all you need to do is Angie that and find a skilled local pro who will deliver the quality and expertise you need.

Whatever your home project, big or small, indoor or outdoor, you can Angie that and connect with skilled professionals to get the project done well. Right now, one of my wish lists is I want a bike for my condo in Milwaukee and I would love to rig it up on a pulley in the ceiling because I have one of those like lofted ceilings.

but I'm so scared to try that on my own. Angie has 20 years of home experience and they've combined it with new tools to simplify the whole process. Bring them your project online or with the Angie app. Answer a few questions and Angie can handle the rest from start to finish or help you compare quotes from multiple pros and connect instantly, which means you can take care of any home project in just a few taps.

Because when it comes to getting the most out of your home, you can do this when you Angie that. Download the free Angie mobile app today or visit Angie.com. That's A-N-G-I dot com. But all the stars are out here in Toronto. Gee whiz, guys. Wow. We had a breakfast. I hope I'm not telling tales out of school.

But we had a breakfast with the stars. We did. A breakfast with the stars. We had breakfast with Amy Schumer. Yeah, it's Amy Schumer. Alex Adelman, very iconic. Megan Stalter. Yes. Yep. Yes, yes, yes, yes. At one point, halfway through the breakfast, Megan looked over at me and she says, I noticed you haven't been looking at me. God.

- I noticed you haven't looked at me in a while. Is everything okay? - Girl, that was me with puddles. - It was so fierce. - I was like, so you're not responding. - Oh my God. - Can I tell you a stretching story too? - Oh please. - So I mean, this is like, you know, we talk about our body creaks and cracks a lot when we're not talking about air conditioning. - I hope it's just not too short. - You literally, this like Kim Basinger, like it's kind of like, you're like, I hope it's not short. Well, can I tell you the secret? Panties sewn into the dress.

Did you want to see this too? Yeah, there you go. How's that for a pike? Wait, isn't a pike also a fish?

We can't go back to this. We can't go back to this. So we're over that. We've been going through a lot of creaks and crannies and pains. And listen, drag is really hard on your body. It really is like a 21-year-old drunk twinks game. It is. Twits on trees. That's who it's for. For us, like, ooh, I've been getting a lot of back pain from, I don't know, steel-born corsetry six hours a day doing Queen of the Universe. Maybe that's it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I got a massage the other day and I've got a lot of massages. I have some great people and it's always not sexual, which in LA you have to dig to find somebody who's going to rub you where it's not like, so what areas bother? It's like, no, I need you to hurt me. Okay. Yeah.

This woman, this woman, Debra, comes in to this theater, in this dressing room, in this theater two days ago, works me out so fiercely in a way that I've never experienced in my life where I was on the table going, ah, ah, ah. And at the end, you know how people go like, I thought it was like self-indulgent. Like, after a massage, I always fucking cry. Like, no, you don't. Like, if you go into massage looking to cry, you're a hurt person and that's fine. But like, I had never, I stood up and I was like, ah.

And she was like, are you okay? I said, I'm going to cry. And she said, any release is good release. Just let it go. And I was like, well, touring is really hard and I want to be my best out there and I'm trying to be present. And I hugged her and started crying into her arms.

And she was so nice and professional. She was like, let it all out. She's like, this happens a lot. It's totally fine. Debra. Debra! I'm going to be tweeting her contact info. She's in Toronto. She worked me out. It wasn't even that expensive. And it cried so... I mean, wait. It was extremely expensive. You should pay every penny. How about that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't want you guys to be like, well, Trixie said it's cheap. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I just cried into her arms for like, I was like, and she was like, it's drag. You can calm down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, the healing power of touch. The healing power of touch. Yes. No, it happened to me just for three. She said something else interesting that I need to talk to everyone here. Okay, wait, wait, wait. She said, well, that's why people are so into marijuana. She said, you ever notice people are smoking? No, no. I mean, yes, but no, not in this story. No.

So she goes, "A lot of people are smoking marijuana." She goes, "Watch people who smoke marijuana. They're always taking a little puff and looking up towards God. Taking a little puff, looking up towards God." She said, "It's people trying to connect."

Connect with God. And I don't know if that's true, but I love it. I like thinking about it. Let me tell you something. So it was on tour in Europe, in the UK. I had to go visit a church. I went inside the church and I said, can I please speak with the priest here? And they're like, what? They're like, you're a little old. You're about 20 years too late, honey. Come back when you have a kid. Oh, fuck. That's horrible. Okay.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt you. I don't normally do that. Go on. No, so I was like, I was having some kind of spiritual experiences that were very disorienting at the time. And I sat down with the priest, lovely guy, and I was like, Father, there's something I need to talk to you about. And I don't think he said, what is it, my child? But I imagine that's what he would have said. I don't think he said child. No, I don't think he said child.

What is it, my middle-aged man? There's an old crone on the porch shaking a coffee cup of nickels. Get her out of here. Chase her out of here with a broom. And then I told him, I was like, you know, I think I hear the voice of God everywhere I go, and sometimes it makes me cry. And then he was like, very, very nice. And then I was like, I wonder why that is. Oh, it's because I'm smoking like 14 joints a day.

Yeah. Well, marijuana, it really does. It's an incredible medicinal drug. I got to tell you, not to incriminate anyone, but there's somebody in my life, I'm going to call her mom. She gave birth to me. And when I go to Wisconsin, she's like, oh, I'm so happy you're coming. I'm so happy you're coming for Christmas. Can you bring me a little? You know, because like for people with chronic pain, life changing. Sure. For drag queens trying to see God, life changing. Life changing. Yes, absolutely. You know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. God.

Well, I have a massage story too. So I'm seven years older than her, and I put my body through a lot of wear and tear. I'm currently in need of a hip replacement, which is fun. If anybody knows a guy. Yeah, if anybody knows a good orthopedic surgeon, give me a referral. But anyway, so I enlisted the services of a lovely massage professional whilst in D.C., our nation's capital. And then I... He... So...

It was a sensual massage, but I don't like to do happy endings. I hope this is not an overshare, but I don't like to get my wiener touched. And side note, my heart goes out to the massage therapist community that it's actually actively difficult to find somebody who doesn't have to jerk you off. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But this is, I like people who are very, I like people who are, oh, this is

This dress is just so short. Oh, God. But he... I had the craziest thing. He flipped me over and then, like... And then he... Like, he did this thing on my neck and I went, oh, God! And I... This is so gross. So my... My...

penis, which was currently flaccid, did like a cartoon stop animation, kind of like... Did you apologize? I was in the middle of apologizing when another biological process occurred, which I will just use your imagination. It's 2 p.m. And...

But it was like an accident. And I was like, it wasn't an accident. It was a God moment. It was like, it was like, mama, there are no accidents. You were, there are no looking up towards God. No, I wasn't, I wasn't smoking any weed. I was stone cold sober, but I was just so feeling the moment tuned into the electricity of the experience that I was just like, oh, you know what I mean? Wow. It was incredible. No touching. Would you say it was like the, the, the sister to like a knock? No touching.

Would you say it was like the sister to like a nocturnal, like it was a little involuntary? It was a daytime emission. Yeah, it was. Yeah, yeah. It was incredible though. But I'm, God, it's so gross. I'm such a heavy pre-comer. It's so gross to say out loud. You know what? Whatever. But that's nature's lubricant. You can't find a comparable liquid in CVS. And I'll tell you this.

Whenever you're doing like sexy stuff, whenever I've been like, oh, sorry, I pre-cum a lot. It's not because I expect them to be like, it's okay, I'll deal with it. I want them to go like, it's okay, I like it. And I'm like, you do. Pretending like we all don't know. Sorry, I cum a lot. Sorry, when I'm turned on, I have a tendency to get so fucking wet. By the way, can you believe we are headlining this festival? I know!

We're never coming back. I know. They're going to have Bob and Monet in here tomorrow. I know. I know. I feel so bad. I was like, I'm always expecting people to be like, yeah, it's disgusting. I prefer it dry. You know? It's like, ooh.

But so that was really funny. And I've been, you know, listen, if you guys human touch not to get sincere. Oh, God, this trust. It's important. The therapist, Deborah, said, do you ever think how little we touch each other? Not in a like hugging your mom or like, you know, and I'm the queen of not touching people. She was also like, think of all the ways you use your own body to do work, but you never do work on your own body.

body. I said, speak, Debra. Speak it. Tell it. Preach it. Preach it, you fucking bitch. And then she left and I immediately put that steel bone corset right back on. Why is this happening? Yeah, the healing power of touch. It's very healing. Let me tell you, I didn't have sex for about seven, eight years in my 20s, something I deeply regret. Making up for it now. And I've recently encountered a young man who not only willingly does sex to my naked body, but enthusiastically.

And I got to tell you, it's a whole, it's J-Lo in second act. It's, um, third act. Yeah. It's epilogue. It's the epilogue. It's the appendix. But I feel like, I feel very invigorated. 40 is, um, you know, it all depends on how, listen, we all, we're all cars, right?

You know, we're all cars. We all have different types of, some of us made in Germany, others in Japan, different mileages on all of us. And depending on the wear and tear of your car, you know, a 40-year-old car from Germany is going to be a little bit different from one than, you know, from like the Soviet Union. Do you think this audience knows about cars? You know what I mean, though, right? You know what I'm saying? Like, it's just, it's, so what I'm trying to say, what I'm trying to say is that I have the tightest cunt in LA. Uh-huh.

No, but you have to imagine though, LA is the home of the gape. Okay. It is. LA is, LA is. Has anybody been to the Grand Canyon? It's,

Yeah. Hoover Dam. I'm watching for them to come tackle us after saying all this shit. I know, it's so gross. But also, I mean, I found myself in a very unlikely friend group, to be honest, where they're all these Olympic-level bottoms. And I'm talking about taking all this furniture, this couch...

right up their ass. Yeah. Wouldn't even hit the sides. Yeah. And it was just like, so I can't get that bottoming advice from my friends at brunch, you know, which is girls at brunch. And I can't get that, that sex and city advice. Like, how do I take that cog? I don't know. Just, you know,

And I'm an exclusive bottom, but I play an Olympic level bottom on TV because I don't want the lovely bones. I want normal. I don't want survivor. I don't want I'm a celebrity, get me out of here. You don't want fear factor. No. No. I want literally the shred of someone's rather small pinky. And I'll be like, oh!

You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We don't have to really test the limits of human nature. We can pretend we are. I know. And I asked this lovely, amazing, muscular man took me to the gym yesterday and gave me a lovely workout. And we were talking afterwards over lunch about how I was like, you know, I'm just not interested if I'm going to bottom have receptive anal intercourse. I'm not really interested in sacrificing half of my day skipping meals. And this nonsense. He's like,

Oh, no. I mean, I only douche about for three hours. And I was like, three hours? Wait a minute. You said he douches for three hours? Three hours. Are you lying to me? I'm not lying. That's not okay. That's what I said. I was like, this is not okay. This is colonic irrigation. This is colonic irrigation. It's not a water pick. It's not a water pick. It's not the hose. It's not water country. People are water sliding down your GI tract. It's not a slip and slide. Thank you. Oh, my God.

Mary. Jesus Christ. I felt like I was like... Be careful with your orifices. Thank you. Be careful with your... I recently hooked up with a gynecologist, so as far as I'm concerned, I'm a fucking woman. Not all women have vaginas, so that's also true, but... I hooked up with a gynecologist, and I was like, everything business as usual back there. And he was like, no. And I was like, okay. But again, it doesn't have to be true. It's just the yes and.

You know? Is everything business as usual down there? What kind of business you got down there? Like, is it a vagina? No. Does it have that energy? Yeah. You know?

Oh my God, my skirt is so short, guys. Sorry about that. You know what it's giving? Like, I don't know, like Kim Basinger tries on a tight dress. It's like, it's so short. Oh shit, it's 1995 and everybody's going to see my cunt. Oh no. You got to be careful. Can I also got to tell you, I got a new phone. Oh, a little one. I got a new phone because I broke my little phone. Well, I had like the giant, you know, the like Star Wars. Yeah, yeah. It's a tablet. It's a tablet. And I'm doing my little content.

It's a full swipe like this on my phone. But I said, you know what? We have to draw the line in the sand. And I got a mini. And you can't tell me fucking anything. Because let me tell you, this is what God intended. Yeah, the little guy. We don't have to do traveling MacBook screens stuck to our hand on a strap. No.

This little phone, listen, this is all you need. Yeah. It's a calculator. I'll never forget. In 2001, the Baroness of Belgium, Audrey Snois, she pulled out a tiny little Nokia, not the size of a Tic Tac container. And I was like, did you love it? I loved it. I mean, I hadn't had a cellular phone at that point. It was 2001. And I couldn't believe it. Actually, it was the year 2000. And she pulled out this tiny little Nokia thing right from Charlie's Angels. Remember when she put up, hello? Hello.

Yes, the tiny little phone. Tiny, tiny little phone. We have to stop the giant. I'm like the, it's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve of giant phones now. I'm like, you need to stop. Yeah, yeah. That's all we need. Well, I found out that I think I'm going to switch from blue to green because I saw those Samsung ones, the smartphones that fold right in half. Oh my goodness. Look at that. Do you live? Look at that, look at that, look at that. Can I see it? Let's give it here. Look at it. I got a few calls to make. Look at it. Do you remember back in the day at concerts when,

Oh, thank you. Look, look, so it's a smartphone. Sorry, this just became a Samsung panel. Wow. I just, I just have to, would you stop yelling at me? I'm so flustered. God. Sorry. Oh, no, she's crumbling. Now I'm being, she's crumbling. She's crumbling. Are you from Verizon? Yeah, yeah. Wait, wait, I just need you to flip, I need you to flip the phone. I just want to see the flip. So, wait, wait, wait. I just want to see the flip. You have, you have listening problems. Oh,

- Oh, the flip. - It's amazing. - Thank you. - It's amazing. It's amazing. - I really love that. Thank you. I'm okay. I'm gonna sit down. Thank you. - Thank you guys for indulging our neuroses. - We like the audience free and wild. Engage, not caged, okay? By the way, somebody's got body makeup all over this chair. - Oh my God. - It's so disgusting. - What a pig.

Should we see what the people have to say? Yeah, we'd love to. If you have any queries or quandaries, we'd love to open up the floor for some questions. Now, I do have something I would like to say, a preface. Try to keep the weirdness factor to a 2 p.m. level. Okay? We can't do trauma. We're not doing Jamie Lee Curtis trauma. No more trauma. We're not doing it. No, no trauma. Uplifting. Yeah, uplifting, curious, you know, things of that nature. I myself do not have very many boundaries, but I will, you know. Okay.

Okay, so if you want to just raise your hand and then we'll point at you and then you can shout out your question then we'll answer it. You could be the picker. You're like a little clairvoyant. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can pick the people. I'm gonna stand up so people don't see my crotch. This dress is so short. Oh my god. Okay, let's go but pink shirt right here. Glasses inside. Let me start. I got laser eye surgery.

Did you really? Because you knew about this lighting. You were like, let me get laser eye surgery. Your eyeballs would have popped right out of your noggin if you had seen us in this light. Yeah. So congratulations. My question, Trixie, after all these years... No, just kidding, just kidding. He's blind and he cannot see, so I'll allow it. Maybe he thought you were me. Oh, yes, that's right. He thought you were someone seven years younger. Yeah.

By the way, it's usually the opposite. It's usually the exact... What did somebody say to us recently? Something insane? Somebody at the meet and greet recently said, Trixie, my husband and I saw you a few months ago. Wait, wait, wait. Let me say it. Okay. Let me say it. Say it. Sometimes, pause. We're coming to you. We're coming to you. Sometimes, the meet and greet is a very interesting situation. Yeah. Because we get short little bursts of interaction with people and you never know what you're going to get.

Sometimes the comment is so honestly, sincerely touching, heartfelt, like where I could, if I had time to think about it, I would cry. It's so meaningful, wonderful. Sometimes it's hysterical. Sometimes it's wild. Sometimes it's extremely insulting. Girl, and we sat down and somebody said, oh, so happy to meet you guys. Trixie, my husband and I saw you a few months ago. He was going to come tonight, but he said you weren't worth seeing twice.

I was like, well, you're the one who paid $300 for a meet and greet whore. Yeah. And then seeing how the gray flush of my skin was like... It was so crazy. And then he doubled down on it and was like, oh, no, no, no, it's okay. He would want me to tell you that. But do you remember what I said to him? I said...

did you know we don't have to say everything? Yes. Yeah. You're like, sometimes we have thoughts that don't need to come out of our mouths. You know? So wild. So anyway, picture. I have to talk to my fan now. What's up? Scream into this microphone. As we all know, Katya, you love the movie Contact. Yeah, sure. I love the movie Contact. Uh-huh.

All these years, Trixie, have you finally watched Contact? I did. I did watch Contact. And I actually, I was quite moved. I was quite moved. The part in the courtroom when she's giving her deposition and no one believes her. I mean, Jodie Foster turns it out. She really does. She turns it. And then I was gagged. I was gagged when they found the however many hours. 18 hours of static. Is it worth talking about for years? You know, but...

Here we are. Yeah. Okay, next question. Let's go right here in the blue hat. Hello. Okay. It's directed. It's directed. Yeah, what's up? You're like Santa's little helper. I know. Oh, God. It's a suggestion. You can't win. Here we go. Oh, God.

You're very sweet, but oh my god am I not you should get that information from certified professionals I thought I was a good guitar player because I grew up barefoot in a tree I was the only guitar player I knew I was like I'm incredible Then when I went in the world and started hiring real guitar players I was like oh I should sit the hell down shut up bitch it was it was like

When I started working with real guitar players, I was like, never mind. It was sort of like I was a mom doing flirty girl fitness. Oh, sure. And then I saw, what was that stripper movie with J-Lo? Hustler. Yes, and I was like, never mind. Take the pole down in the living room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stop it. Humbling experience. Another question? Another question for Tracy. Yeah, right over here. I love hot moms. Yep. What? Her?

No! Okay, this is a question time. Yeah, we have two photos that are questions now, though. The dolls stay at home in boxes in the closet. Yes. We are the dolls on tour. Yeah, we are the dolls. Does anybody have a question for me? Don't you look at this person and have questions? Yeah. Doesn't this inspire lines of inquiry? Yeah, right there, you're pointing at her. Yep. Yep, exactly you. Mm-hmm. She can't believe it.

Okay, so this is a funny thing. How many languages have I learned? People love to give me credit for being way smarter than I really am. They're like, oh my God, do you know she speaks 12 languages? I'll say like, I'll learn hello in Italian. And then all of a sudden I'm like adjunct faculty at the University of Pisa. A manager at the Olive Garden. Yeah, yeah, totally. I only know French and I like Russian and that's pretty much it. I don't really know anything.

Yeah, well, we've been working on our Canadian. Yeah, yeah. Hello. How are you? Thank you for coming to the show tonight. Have you been down to the Tim Hortons? Yeah. Is it good? It's not good. But I recently learned that this is a very fascinating thing, that a lot of Quebecois slang comes from the church. And I recently was able to put my penis inside the bum of a French Canadian. And as he was... Can I say it? Can I say this out loud? As he was...

He said, "Oh tabernak!"

What is that? So it's like, it means fuck. And apparently like all the slang comes from like the church related tabernacle? Tabernacle choir. Tabernacle choir. Oh my God. And then he had said like, oh, t'es bon, tabernacle. Like you're like, you're fucking hot. And I was like, oh my God, it was like really cool to know. I've never known, I never knew that. So if you're ever in like, if you're ever in like a municipal building in Quebec City, just scream out tabernacle. And then, um,

Definitely won't get in trouble for that. So in addition for going to your gym teacher to look at your butt, you should go down to the church and scream, fuck me. But isn't that fun, though? I think it's fun. That's fun. Hey. Hey. Oh, another question? Mm-hmm. Yeah, right here. The pigtails, the black top. Mm-hmm. Hi. Oh, great. We love a Kelly Mantle question. Love a Kelly Mantle question. Finally, something interesting. Yes, thank you. Hi, guys. Hi. Hi.

Okay, so she's seen the show twice and she's wondering if the role of Sandy in the CEO was written for Kelly Mantle. And I actually, I don't know if it was written for her, but she was our first choice. Yes, I'm going to give her more credit, which is it was written as any age or gender expression, anything and no nothing. And we just gave her the gentle suggestion of you're a used car salesman and we're the last two on the lot. Yeah.

And she was like, okay. She knew exactly what to do. Kelly is such a pro. And it's funny because I forget that a lot of... If you're a fan of Drag Race, you might not even know who she is because she was on one episode. But Kelly Mantle was like...

very talented actor and she has a huge CV and has worked a lot in the industry for years and years and years way before Drag Race and during and after. And it was kind of a tragedy that she was axed in that first episode but she's

so fun to work with and we did a huge script rewrite during the break and she had three new monologues or something and we gave it to her the day before we started trying to keep her on her toes yeah and she nailed it it's amazing amazing you know when you have like an aging parent you maybe give them like a Rubik's Cube or something just to like keep it fresh

That's with Kelly. We got to keep her engaged. Or she just kind of like... What did she say? She was... She enjoys Countess Lunel's cabaret. Yeah, she said, I love housewives. I love that Countess Lunel who does the cabarets. Yeah. And then the other day she called Tim Hortons Reverend Hortons.

And I gotta tell this story, and it's kind of her story, but I have to tell it. I gotta tell it. Kelly, we were in Sydney, Australia, and Kelly Mantle was like, I'll get myself to the gig, no problem. She does half her makeup at home, so her drag foundation's on, and then she has her little suitcase, and she's in her day drag getting to the gig. She puts the directions into the phone, how to get to the theater, and she doesn't realize she's using the car directions. Kelly Mantle's in just drag face, walking down the shoulder of the freeway.

In Sydney, Australia, looking like Eileen Wuornos, the freeway killer. And she called for help and they were like, just walk down the shoulder, just walk down the ramp and call us and we'll come get you. So she's wise and talented, worldly, you know. God doesn't give with both hands. And she's too beautiful. She's too beautiful to be smart. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How many of you can relate to that? I would go right here, pink hair. Hey.

You can stand, you can sit, it doesn't matter, I can hear you perfectly. Did you manage to see any local drag? Oh, did we see any local drag? We didn't. We don't go out a lot. No, we don't go out a lot, yeah. Tonight, what's happening tonight? Priyanka? Isn't she here? She is here. Where are you? She's right there. Yay!

Canada royalty, Priyanka. Now, when she leaves the theater, we're going to let her get to her car safely without being her limbs torn off. Okay? Well, that's the other issue. Sometimes when we go to a local drag show, let's say the drag queen on stage is doing reveals and kicks. If we're sitting in the audience, people are like... Yeah. Yeah.

And it's actually a little rude to the performers. It is rude. Yeah, I know. I don't like that. We don't like to try to do that. Although, girl. Did you ever go into disguise? Mary? Have you done a disguise? Well, I think that if I wear glasses, I'm a different person. And David's like, everybody here, you look exactly the same. By the way, recently I was supposed to hang. I said, I didn't ask Kachi to go to lunch with me because I don't want her to get sick of me. And David goes, why? We all are.

So true. So true, bestie. I went to karaoke in Ottawa. Wait, what is this accent? It's my French-Canadian. Oh, okay, okay. It's kind of Celine Dion. Hello, how are you? Thank you for coming tonight. And...

It's not great. It's not great. So I go to karaoke and it was, it started. It started right off the bat. 7 p.m. karaoke started with a girl going in on I Dreamed a Dream. Oh, shit. She started the night swinging big and she committed. Like Dan Hathaway won? Yes. I was like, we are doing depression karaoke tonight, bitch. Jesus.

Did she cry? She was almost there. And she even had a short, like a little Mia Farrow haircut. So it was like fierce. Yes. And then, but then like two people later, someone, some guy sings Gangster's Paradise in Ottawa.

And he's in like... The Michelle Pfeiffer one? She doesn't sing in it. Oh, okay. But yeah, she's from that movie. She's in this... Yeah. Yeah, and he's just going hard and he's throwing arms and stuff. And I was like, whoa. That is so wild. So go to Ottawa for karaoke. That is my drag. Because karaoke is drag. People who bring their own CDs to karaoke are doing drag like no other. Has anybody done that? I don't trust those type of people. It exists. Yeah, I know. It exists. They're like, I didn't get on Broadway, so y'all are going to learn about me at karaoke? Yeah.

Where like, that you don't even have to write your paper down on the slip because the person knows what song you're going to sing. Yeah. Stand by your man. It's always like that song. What's your karaoke go-to? People at the party.

Everyone had matching towels. Oh, Rock Lobster? Yeah. Okay. Rock Lobster. Singing, because if I'm at the bar, I'm drunk. So we're not doing come fly with me. We're doing like yelling. Michael Buble. Yeah. Oh, yeah. What's yours? Mine would be Blue Bayou by Roy Orbison. But I have to get alcohol poisoning drunk and I don't even drink. So it's like, it's just not going to happen. So you're going to have to hope that people pin you down and throw shots down your throat. Like waterboard me.

In order to do that, yeah. With serve vodka. Is it time? We've got a few more minutes left. I don't want to get in trouble. Yeah, no, it's fine. Another question? Yeah. I'm super concerned about this. What are your thoughts on the air connoisseur?

Thank you so much for bringing up a very important issue of the climate crisis. Not all heroes wear capes. They wear little mini skirts. This lovely young ingenue straight from the pole has...

has asked us just down the pike. Yeah. No judgment, of course. Just stating facts. She wants to know how has the air conditioning been in Toronto or in Canada? And, well, how much time do you have? Well, we gotta tell you. We gotta tell you. After Radio City...

She's just listening. Get back in your seat. She's a gentle. I can see your under boob. It's amazing. I'm going to stand up for this. We were in Radio City. Have we talked about it? We did. Radio City talked about it. We did, and I'm going to talk a little bit more about it. Because, listen, I am a very simple person.

I have a complicated personality, but when it comes to knowing things about me, there's only one thing you need to know. I sweat. I sweat a lot. I sweat hard and I sweat often. And I start sweating immediately and I don't stop until it gets freezing cold. Now, if you've ever been to a drag show, you know that it's rarely freezing cold, but here we are. I'm doing drag at the highest level.

And I gotta have it cold. I gotta have it cold. We gotta have it cold. We gotta have it cold. I mean, and now, I gotta tell you this. Stand up. Stand up. I got a truth to tell. I'm more heated about this than tiny iPhones, let me tell you.

They now, during our tour, they have tents on either side of the stage. So when we walk off stage, there's a tent with an air conditioner blowing at 60 at all times. We come right off stage. And that might sound high maintenance. But on the tour of Avenue Q, they have hand massagers. So whatever. Yeah, yeah. Thank you. We come right into that. We're Gwyneth Paltrow and Rene Russo in Outbreak and Contagion, respectively.

And we're in the isolation tent and, yes, leery and bug-eyed, trying to get the core temperature lowered. Because at a certain point, at a certain point, listen, any and all conditions, but at a certain point, we cannot serve glamour when the aluminum siding has melted off the building. I know. Do you know what I mean? That's why I feel horrible. You guys probably got here the earliest or got the best tickets, and it's this lighting this close.

You're not even fans of us anymore. No. You're like, was that Jigsaw? Did we just go to the live Saw production? We apparently went to fucking Sweeney Todd today. Seriously. That's the kicker. They have the right idea. Yeah. Don't we look gorgeous?

Paris Jackson. Paris Jackson. Paris Jackson and Dove Cameron. And Kristen Chenoweth. Kristen Chenoweth. No, Kristen. Kristen Chenoweth and Kim Passenger. Kim Passenger. Kim Passenger. Let's do a couple more questions. A couple more questions. We love engaging with you guys. We never get to talk to you. Yeah. Can you just do Swedish here? Oh, yes. Yes. Yes.

I don't do Cher, I am Cher, bitch. And maybe I did pick up a little bit of the accent when I was in the Swede.

You should be assassinated for that. I know. I know. But you know what, though? Because not every day are we feeling it, perhaps backstage. And I know if I have to juice myself up, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like,

She knows. The Pike guy went, you know. He just pointed at her. He goes, you know. And yes, I'll come back and right before the show, I'll go like, you're ready for the show, bitch. It's not helpful, but it makes me feel good. Something about it is very funny to me. We kind of do a version of it where Cher's homophobic, which she's not. But I'll be like, why do they need a parade? You know, it's like, I don't know.

Why do they have to be so in your face about it? Like a version of Cher that's like, yeah. If I could turn back time, I'd keep marriage between a man and a woman, bitch. And of course she's not homophobic, but to me the idea of Cher in a tinsel wig being like, what do you mean you have a girlfriend? Like, it's so funny to me.

Because there's an alternate universe where Cher's a conservative person and Lindsey Graham is in a beaded wig. You know what I mean? Right, right, right. There's a version. It's funny because back in the day, she's not exactly the most blue-blooded liberal. She's rich. But anyways...

Malibu! Malibu, yeah. It's very funny to me. I had to call her the other day. You called Cher? I was like, can you do the... She called and she said, can you do Cher? And she was like, it was sort of inferred, like, can you do homophobic Cher? And I'm like, oh, fine. I put in my AirPods and I'm like, who is this faggot? You know, he was like...

I don't know. To me, this is the future liberals want. You've got to find little nuggets of happiness however you can. Anybody else? Let me pick one. Yeah, yeah, why don't you go ahead. You've had such great hand up. What's your question? Okay, great. Scars are saying that people with drag sounds very imminent. And I was wondering if you could help for us. Interesting you say that because...

So this lovely person was asking, we drop hints frequently about our imminent departure from drag. Is there any truth to that?

Listen, every day is a gift. Every day is a journey. But, um... Well, this is the truth, right? The clock is ticking. If you've ever been to a drag show where the drag queen earnestly wants to be there, it's Stepford Wives. It's creepy. When a drag queen's like, it's Sunday brunch. I love to be alive. I want the drag queen who comes from behind the curtain hungover is like, do we really fucking have to do this? Yeah, yeah.

Well, there's this amazing, a Gabriel, our photographer posted this amazing clip of Hannah Montana where Miley Cyrus was like peeking out through the curtain was like, Oh my God, I love you so much. I wish I could be here all night. She turns around. She's like, get out of here. Yeah. And then flips the microphone up. It is so funny, but that's kind of like, that's that is the vibe.

You know, and we are... But two things can exist simultaneously. Yeah. That's like Einstein. We love it, but we also fantasize about disappearing. Yeah. And we already have disguises, but unfortunately those disguises aren't good for disappearing. No. That's why we have immigration problems. We show up with disguises in a suitcase and they're like, so you're not a criminal? Yeah. And I'm already planning my plastic surgery third act.

Four in the act. Oh, we also were lucky to get into this country because every time you come over here on a tour bus, you got to get, we drive in the middle of the night. What time do we get up? Four in the morning. Four in the morning. We had to wake up on the bus and everybody's in like, you know, the LGBT version of comfy. So it's just like, you know, bioterrorism. Yes.

People have half blue hair and they're like, oh. Yeah. And they make you walk into this humiliating little like, you know, hello, how are you? And you, you know, you come in and you're just like, you have your passport and you're like, I'm gay. And they're like, come on. Just come in here. I walked in there and I was like, I looked like, I don't even think my eyes were open. No, these like two red slits were like, and they're like, do you have any marijuana on you? I was like, no. Like,

do you need tobacco on you? I was like, yes. And that's all I remember. And then I went right back to bed. It was fierce. Good thing they didn't, like, do you have any marijuana? I'm like, why do you want a little, you know? I'd rather you do it in the house. I'd rather you do it in the house. Marijuana is legal here, right? Who's medicated already? Woo! No!

That's good. Now be careful. Some of those strains do inspire some magical thinking. Girl. Girl. My psychiatrist recently told me that weed can cause psychosis. Just so something to chew on while you're sparking up that doobie. If Latrice Royale offers you weed, step away.

Step away. Yeah. Well, I think we're almost at the end of our little... You know, we got to leave on time because there's nothing I hate more in comedy when I see the light flashing and the person refuses to stop. Oh, no. If I ever do stand-up again, swear to God, as soon as I see that light, I'm going to go... So anyway, I said...

Because, you know, whatever it is, just leave. Just leave. We don't hold audiences hostage. And, you know, audiences think they want long shows. They don't. You don't, really. However, I know that the fans have been clamoring because I am very plugged in online. God, my skirt is so short. I would love to close with a little ditty. A little acapella voice thing I've been working on. Working real hard at this. Oh, yeah.

I have a coach in LA. So delicious. So delicious. I have a coach in LA and we're thinking about an album of like, or an EP of old standards. So I'm just getting the pipes all warmed up and practicing every day, three, four hours. So here we go. Shh. Oh. Oh.

I think that was amazing. That was Rival Tapestry and B-Flat. Thank you so much. I have to say, thank you to the festival. I mean, for us to be able to headline something like this. When we saw the poster, we were like, why are we on the same poster as these people? I know. I was like, is this a joke? Is everybody making fun of us? Oh, man. The pig's blood. I'm ready. Yeah, totally.

And thank you all for listening to The Bold. By the way, on the poster for this festival, it literally says The Bold and the Beautiful. The Bold and the Beautiful. Yeah. Which was a soap opera back in the day. We're getting sued. Good for us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And thank you for coming. Thank you for listening to the podcast. We really love doing it. We love it. We love it. Thank you. Bye. Have a lovely day. Bye.

Get your pets spayed and neutered and get a smaller iPhone.