Sun-Dried Hot Dog Legs with Trixie and Katya
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All right, we got camera one, we got camera two, we got sound. We are back on the Bald and the Beautiful. Bald and the Beautiful back at our house. Well, my house. Yes, we live together. We've been in a love relationship for 14 years. Can I say, on this tour, I didn't get as sick of you as I thought I would. Mary, we never saw each other. Never saw each other. I think we saw each other not even 90 minutes a night because we had a lot of separate scenes. I saw Kelly about 10 minutes a night. Yeah, Kelly.

Kelly was a drifter. The elusive chanteuse. Kelly didn't come do her part. She was an apparition. Yeah. She appeared. It was always unclear where her dressing room was because I would always pass it and she wouldn't be there. All of a sudden, look over, Sandy's in her suit and just shaking. Also, I haven't started my makeup for meet and greet. Kelly's fully painted. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's like full foundation with just brows. And her like late afternoon wig. You know, yeah, it's so funny. Well, the cat's out of the bag now. We're back from tour and we kind of kept Kelly under wraps, but girl, now the world knows. Yeah. Kelly stole the show. Yeah, stole the show from laughter because she was terrible. She stole it out of the grip of laughter. No, she was so great. And I was so lucky to get her.

Yeah. Cause you never know. I mean, it's a huge commitment to ask someone to, Hey, can you want to go on tour for a month or, and then actually three months and then maybe four months. You barely went. Hello.

I don't know if I'm coming back now. This was a fun... First, we called it a leg of a tour. Yeah, we did one leg. They took the leg. They took the leg. Now they're going to take the other leg. Not to be vague, but the tour was not without trials and tribulations here and there. Something about this leg was a little... This leg had an ankle monitor. This leg had a little... And a little... A bunion, a corn, a couple of corns. A bunion, a corn...

bit of frostbite. Ingrown. No, actually, no frostbite. Fluid in the ankles. I don't want to call out anyone, but this is the air conditioning podcast. This is the HVAC special. There was one city I want to call out. Phoenix? Phoenix motherfucking Arizona at the Balboa Theater, baby. You did us right. Wasn't that San Diego? It was the Orpheum. Was it the Orpheum? Phoenix was the Orpheum. Girl, the Orpheum? Cold backstage. Blue lips. Honey. Blue lips. The dancers were

Honey. Shivering. So I didn't realize, I didn't change my watch ever from LA time and I didn't realize we were back on Pacific time. So I thought I had an extra hour in the hotel. I realized, oh shit, I run to the theater. I'm like so stressed out and I'm hot because it's hot out. I walk inside the door and I'm hit by the strangest sensation. And I was like, what is that? And then I go down in the dressing room, into the dressing room. What is that? I go up to the stage. What is that?

Oh, AC, bitch. It was freezing. Freezing. It was freezing. I finished, um, hello. Well, I finished a dance that I normally sweat during. And at the end I went, I felt like dry.

I felt like I escaped death. Like it was Final Destination. Yeah. Like you were a mogwai that didn't get wet at midnight. Yes. I escaped death. And you know what else I escaped death? What? I just had an STI test. This was my slut tour in 1997. Fucking and sucking. Do you know what I felt like getting that negative test? I felt like in a Kotex commercial when a woman's in a white dress and a car drives by and hits a puddle and she has an umbrella and she's like, oh, oh, ooh.

And she's like coy about how the fact that she didn't get wet because by all, by the science of it, life finds a way. And by life, I mean chlamydia. Virus and bacteria. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. And there was a time, I guess, I don't know. Maybe it's because my body has done its time. Like maybe I've clocked out early with STIs. No, I don't believe that's how it works. I think you just got lucky with some good people. Yeah. And I've learned this about slut shame. You don't need to have it if you have a sluttier friend.

What's there to be shamed about? I think it's slut. It's slut. It's inconvenient sometimes. You just gotta go to the doctor. Gotta go get that pill. I shit my pants. You gotta go to the doctor. You gotta go to the waiting room and get the shot. And then you shit yourself on the way home and all that stuff. Yeah. But, you know. But there's been times in my life where I'm like, don't even test. Just give it to me. We both know what time it is.

With chlamydia where I'm like, you know. Are you serious? There's been times where I'm, well, I'll just be vulnerable here. I have sensitive skin. When I wash my penis with a soap that has strong,

Are you on cut? Fragrance. Fragrance. I will get like inside my pee hole irritation that feels like gonorrhea. Oh, shit. So then I've gone to get tested being like, I know, I know I have it. I know the jig is up. And then I don't. And they're like, oh, what were you? And I was like, I was staying at a hotel using a foreign soap. Yes. Yeah. And I was sounding with a knitting needle. Well, I dip the knitting needle in Clorox bleach too. In breadcrumbs. Hydroxycloxifluoroquin. Yeah.

breadcrumbs, shake and bake. Who's sounding? I mean, a lot of people, Mary, my address book is sounding fisting for the penis. Us. It's, it's, it's just, no, I don't think it's, it's just poking the hole. Speaking of fisting, were you happy to see your friends when you got home? I was, their holes are as gaping loose as ever. We went out to dinner and my half, my leg got sucked up. One of the, it was, yeah, it was lovely. I hugged Andrew and I thought it was going to cry, but I'm not that sentimental. Um,

But I missed him so, so, so much. And I missed our studio. I know. Are you happy to be back? Now we say this with respect to the time we spent on the road, but what does it feel like to be back?

So I don't like, I mean, just because of the COVID thing, I mean, being at home for almost two years, I got into a little routine. I had my little wiggle, my little wiggle steps, my little wiggle routine. I go to get my little coffee. Then I go to the studio. I go to the gym. I go to coffee. Then go to studio. And then I go home. I watch my little stories. I do my little wiggle. And I love my wiggle. And I see my friends, like two or three of them. And then for two fucking years. And then, yeah.

It was a huge shock. And I was like, after the first three days, I was like, this is going to take forever. And then it fucking flew by. Fucking flew by. It flew. I mean, I thought we were approaching maybe show 10 and somebody said it was number 16. And I was like, yeah, it was wild. And we had a lot of there. I'm not to be like, but we had a lot of there were six in the row at the end. Yeah. And then we had two stretches of four in a row and it's traveling every day.

We had six in a row at the end, and then I had to film Trixie Motel Sunday and Monday. That's fucking diabolical. And then I had a shoot, a photo shoot for a collab I'm doing the next day. So I was on basically vocal rest for a few days because it was...

That's so crazy. The voice, I do a different voice in drag, I think, compared to others. And that voice is not necessarily easy to produce. So doing it every day, like squeezing. Yeah, no, if you're singing, I mean, you gotta sing. A female, and you're like, hi, like, hi, guys. Like, that's, there's a toll. I want to go to vocal therapy. You should go to vocal. Have you ever had, like, serious vocal training here in LA? Yeah, I've had, like, singing training, but...

Here in LA? Yeah. But like... Very boring. Very boring. Sorry. Yes. But I would love to do a speech therapy because a lot of the vocal tics we pick up from like vocal fry or shit like that. Not good for you.

That's why babies can scream for hours and not lose their voices. But adults who pick up like weird speech patterns from culture and stuff, your voice isn't being used correctly. So then your voice falls apart. Sometimes I don't know what my real voice is. I went to Memphis for one day and came back with a Southern accent.

I don't even think it was made with like 16 hours. Yeah. Yeah. It was not. Yeah. Anyways. Well, I'm a dialect coach, so I get it. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I mean, I just listened to one of the ads where we did and I did an Italian accent and I was like,

She from Mongolia. I thought I was doing like Jared Leto and House of Gucci. I don't know what I sound like You probably sounded like a Japanese person trying to do chef Boyardee or something It was totally that it was so it was odd But I would love to do like speech therapy because it could it can really extend the lifespan of your voice if using correctly But then again gay voice right gay voice comes from mimicking the people around us, right? And those people are usually women

So then I don't know. We're training our human. We're training our human male voices to talk in a way that is not really natural to the male voice. This is fascinating. I'm what? Yeah. So I was reading about gay boys, right? It was, what is, I have it obviously always have. We have it because we identify with like,

more feminine people around us. And so this is what I read. Okay. Who says this? I don't remember who says it. Okay. But you can look it up. Dr. Phil? Dr. Phil. Okay. Open the door. You're ugly. You're disgusting. I'm going to kill you. Give me $200. So you just say, hey, stupid bitch.

If you're a pansy out there, you just got to talk like this and get some pussy. But I think I sound like my mom because I'm from a very small town, country, country, country. I'm with my mom all day. I'm a little gay boy. She's a woman. I want to sound like my mom. I think my voice sounds like my mom. Oh, my God.

This is crazy. If I was straight, what I have probably a totally different sounding voice. Guess the fuck what, bitch? What? When I went to my little summer camp in Surprise, Arizona for only two weeks, surrounded by these very masculine all men. One of them was gay later on, but they were all like really butch, like beat you up kind of. And I wasn't even aware of it. Was this Pray the Gay Way? Yeah.

No, no, no. No, no. Rehab. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pray this way. Yeah, right? I don't know. Pray the weed away? Yeah, but they were all like...

Being in a, I had never thought of that. I naturally started to modulate my voice. Not because I was ashamed, just because I was around them. Because you're an actress. Because I was just like, when I'm with the band, the way I talk, I'll say shit like, hey, go pound some gash. Somebody today said like, what time is it? And I said, I think I said, what time is it deez nuts? I become a different person. I'll be like, um, bofa. Bofa? Bofa deez nuts. Ha!

Eden said that to me the other day and I laughed for about 35 minutes. Never heard of it. But one thing I will never ever be able to say, Hey man, thanks man. What about a brother? What's up brother? I'd wrap. No. Like, Oh, thanks man. It's just never handshake that whole. What about bruh? Hey bruh. Um, no.

Hey, guys, how are you? I call everyone girl. Hey, bitch. Hey, bitch. So you go to your mom and you say, get over here, you stupid bitch. I should do him. Did you tune into the Cleveland Indians game last night, bitch? I don't know. I just don't know how to talk. It's weird. Wait, this is it.

Why do you have the expectation for them to do it? You expect for them to do it and then give them absolutely unshirted hell for the way they're doing it. I don't expect anything. Open the door or throw rocks through your windows, you dumb whore.

That's a straight man. He has a point. I've been watching Super Nanny. Wait, I really need you to get into some not trash TV, bitch. I really need you to do it. I need you to do it. But Super Nanny, it's about families and children. Families and children. Learning and growing. It was funny and it's changed the way I interact with Brandon. Because I'm learning consequences. You create consequences, right? So...

You have to, you have to, you have to get on someone's level. So the other day I was talking to Brandon about how to properly just clean beauty sponges and he was on the ground and I kneeled down. So I was, I, so I was eye level. So you could choke them out. So you get more of a response from children.

This is sounding very creepy and condescending. And I hope you're, are you joking right now? I'm half joking. I'm half joking. And then you're telling me you made your eyes like that. Well, no. And then judge Judy says, you got to give consequences the first time, but she's a judge. Let's take a break.

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The Bald and the Beautiful is supported by FX's English Teacher. From Paul Sims, the executive producer that brought you What We Do in the Shadows, FX's English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school.

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But no, I told Brandon, I said, I said, I've been watching super nanny and, and I learned that I should get on your level. I contact when I talked to him and he fell out laughing. So obviously he's taking it very seriously. Did you also shit your diaper and make him change it? I wanted to know about super nanny. Cause I said, is she like a TV fake? Cause you know, sometimes the show about the doctors, it's just out of work models with stethoscopes or something. I don't know. Yeah.

And I said, is she really a nanny? And she was a nanny for 16 years before Super Nanny. I would say that's a lot of experience. After 15 years, you become a Super Nanny. You become super. They give you the cake. Well, you don't get like a PhD. They give you the badge and the gun. The gun. The gun. But you know what I've learned from Super Nanny? Kids are fucking crazy, dude. It's not just- I know.

But when I think of kids, I think of, I can't go out. Oh, all my money's going somewhere. These kids are slapping their parents. These kids slap their parents in the face. They put them in the naughty corner. They get up and walk away. Mama, they call them, my childhood best friend, the one who's dead, he called his mother by her first name. What was her name? Mary. Diabolical. Diabolical.

Did she want that? No. No. Nobody wanted that. That's what I mean. Diabolical. That sounds wrong. I don't call my mom that. I have never in my life, in any situation, ever heard that. It's so bizarrely, diabolically inappropriate and strange.

Yeah. And you know what I mean? Not to be, not to be sentimental. You, we all, most of us, if we're lucky outlive our parents, right? Yeah. We're supposed to use the word mom while you have it. I mean, mom, it's your mother. That's what, that's what you call it. There's not going to be other moms. There's just like, there's very few, very few things in roles in life are as simple as that. Mom and dad or mom and mom or whatever. Yeah.

Not Mary. Like, imagine me saying Val. Hey, Val. I guess it would be a joke. But if I'm talking like in alone with the, she's making you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and you're 12 Mary, I'm hungry. Oh, I don't like that. No, it was fucking crazy. It was, it was a portent of things to come. No. What's your dad's name? Dan. You wouldn't fuck with that.

I'm going to fuck my dad? No, say Dan. Are you fucking kidding me? Never, right? He's a karate master. One punch, one kill. You're like, I had an older brother. I call him Sensei. I beg for forgiveness. I beg for mercy. I mean, I did call him Sensei when he was my Sensei. When you were training with your dad, what did it feel like knowing your dad could absolutely ice you at any moment and chose not to? I was like, it was always like, what is going on there? He's playing the long game.

Because he could take you out. Oh, anybody could have, bitch. I brought you into this world and I could take you out, but your dad was serious. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everybody could. The guy, the head of the whole thing, Shigeru Kimura, he was so scary. He was a little overweight Japanese guy. He didn't look like a martial artist. He smoked a lot of cigars, died super young, very unhealthy. But he...

Could punch you. He could punch you like point blank range and just crush the skulls, crush your skull, all the bones in your face. You'd be dead pulp with one punch. Well, I mean, I don't understand physics or anything, but don't you think fatter people...

By nature, pack a bigger punch, right? More mass moving at you. Yeah, there's more. Heavier arm, heavier fist. They have the potential to harness, but the way that they can harness it all the way up from the feet, radiating out, it's bizarre. Wild. Spooky. Yeah. But wait, wait, wait. So, the bald and the beautiful. Uh-huh. Bald. I got a facial for the first time.

What went on? Where'd you go? I went to a face house on, um, like, uh, Hollywood down. Okay. Um, and post tour, post tour two days after, because Mary was that stuff, all that stuff. Yeah.

Yeah. What did they say when they saw your face? She screamed and cried and another facialist had to come in and take over for her. No, she fainted. The other facialist caught her and then she fainted and it was like a conga line. Yeah, it was like a domino thing and then I had to pick them all up and then go home. No, so I hadn't had really, I had like a, I had like a frou-frou facial where they just put a bunch of goop on your face and that's it.

This, they did that. And then they did all the extractions. Oh mama. She went, she was Indiana Jones. She was, did she let you know what time it was? Bone collector. She was literally the Laura Dern in Jurassic park, like sifting through the dung, looking for bones and,

It was, I wish I hadn't put on the makeup on now, but like it was yesterday. I couldn't believe it. It looked so, it looked so smooth. Now it looks like shit again, of course, but like it was, she really got me together. I think your skin looks great. Yeah. All of this, all of this, that had huge, huge blackheads everywhere. Nasty. Really? Was she showing them to you? Oh yeah. She was like, I was like, when you get a good one, I'm gonna see it. And it looked like,

Have you never extracted your own blackheads? I have, but so I don't know how to do it right. And of course the skin around it gets irritated. You know what I mean? Like, um, yeah, you got to do like a steaming first, loosen everything up. Yeah. They did all that. I have a facial steamer. I really like it, but you got to have distilled water. Who has to mama? Nobody's got to. And what if I put normal water in my facial steamer? What's going to happen? Yeah. I don't know. Is it going to break? That's why you go have a lovely experience. This, uh, I think Corey was named hysterical. Lovely. And,

And it was, I fell asleep almost, I think twice. So relaxing. So wonderful. And it was only, it was cheap. It was like 90 bucks or something like that. Good for you. We're on skin journeys. Skin journeys. And I'm, you know, the clock has been, well, the clock stopped for me. I know for whom the bell tolls. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I couldn't believe it. And no, like no redness afterwards. I thought it was going to be like hammer time.

I'm not surprised. Well, here's why. People who do what you do to your face, your skin is worth, is used to a lot of tug and pull.

It's worse. It's used to scrubbing, pulling, gluing. If you were a normal man who never touches your face, red for days. Red for days, yeah. But leather face could walk away from a facial and be like, whatever. When I get the vampire facials, they said it takes five days to scab over. For me, it's usually three. Girl, when I got the intense life facial, she said, she warned me about, she built up this horror story that was going to happen. Nothing happened, honey.

Also, it didn't work. You don't think it took? No, nothing. Were they trying to break? Light facial usually breaks up dark spots. I have hyperpigmentation all along my forehead. Well, one visit isn't going to work. Well, mom, I'm not going back. It was so painful. Hi. Oh, it hurt. It hurt more than the tattoo. What? It was so much fucking. Is it like? It was needle, needle, needle. It was that flash of light that feels like. She described it as an elastic band. It's like a slingshot.

Mary, the last guy who shot me up with Botox right before the tour, which some of it did not take, which was, it happens. Mary Atlanta, that's what happened to me. I'm not mad, it happens. And then he was like, you can come back and get touched up. I'm like, I'm going to be gone. It doesn't matter. He was doing something I'd not seen before, which is taking the skin under my eye, pinching to get a good hold on it, and then stabbing. And it hurt so bad.

And I was threatening him as he did it. I said, I'm going to take this building down. I'm going to have you all fucking sued for malpractice. As he was, I was like, no, you're still. So I've had Botox quite a few times and I've had filler quite a few times. Nobody's doing it like Lori Artiger.

None of these girls are doing it like Laurie fucking Ottinger at Santa Gomez Spa. This bitch. It's like, imagine you go through your whole life not knowing about shoes or clothes and you're living in the winter and you don't know nothing about like you're trying to play sports. You got no racket. You got no balls. Yeah. And then Laurie Ottinger says, here's this whole world. You don't have to feel pain no more. Oh my God. Me and Brandon are bringing our tennis rackets on this tour in the UK.

Oh, Wimbledon. Wimbledon. You can get in. It's not too late. Yeah, no. They take late applicants. Did you see the Kamala Reda video? Did you see me playing in drag? It's amazing. It feels all day. I mean, it's so funny because I hear the stories and I hear like the... What I hear is terror, horror, pain. I would never do that. And then the product is so beautiful. Especially like the Hello Hello video. That was...

That was Hellraiser part six. It turned out to be Hello Dolly. You know what I mean? Yeah, and not to bring up necrosis and necrotic tissue, but I also was like, I won't be able to move like this forever. Let's just do it. In 10 years, I probably wouldn't be able to do this. It was fabulous. So let's just do it now. I loved the ending so much. Oh, the murder in Come On Loretta? Yeah, flaming ball. Yeah, in drag all day outside was a little tough. Well, guess what? That's a Victoria's Secret model moment.

They're up in hair and makeup at 4 a.m. They're on those rocks, freezing cold, naked. Do you want, if you were rich enough, would you want someone to do your makeup every day and drag? No, just hair. Just hair. Just hair. Glue the wig on and everything. So like once you finish the makeup, they come glue the whole unit on. I would do the makeup and I would say, I would say, you're going to, you're going to do this hair and it's going to fucking be perfect and it's not going to fuck up one little bit of my makeup. And if it does, do you want to fix it?

Yeah. That would be that diva. Like I just want the expert hair. Sometimes I feel lazy and I'll place the hairline. I like to place it. And then I'll be like, can someone just do the sides? Like the flaps before I do like the snatched up. I'm like, can someone do the flaps? I just, I just, I feel like Fina is like so great. She's so gracious and so like generous. She would do anything I asked her to do. I just feel like if I'd rather have a whole team.

Or just do it myself. You know what I mean? Sometimes like, it's like, I can't style the wig. I need some help for that. But then when it comes to putting it on, there was like a moment, there was a few months where she was putting it on me and I'm like, am I like, what was wrong with me? I can do this. It was weird. Yeah. It's weird. And I'm very particular about the hairline. Yes. Too far back or too far forward. Yeah. And if, and I know where to glue it and I know my eyes, I can feel my skin. I know if it's on or not anyways, blah, blah, blah.

Yeah. We're not helpless actors on Game of Thrones who don't know how to put wigs on. No. You know, we,

I feel like getting in drag is part of the job. And it's part of the fun. And it's part of what you're being paid for. The artistry. Yeah. So like at a certain point, it's like you're getting. What did you do, bitch? And you're not even funny. Not you, but like some of these girls, they get into all this gig and they, someone does their costume, their hair, their makeup, their song. And they're not even funny. Well, I know some people that like, I know on We're Here, they get their makeup done. Brooklyn gets her makeup done for Canada. Why?

Why? Well, we may or may not be doing Queen of the Universe again. And I was like, I don't want my makeup done. Well, nobody could do your makeup. I don't want my makeup done. Nobody could do your makeup. Well, what I would be afraid of is somebody turning it. And then whenever I do my own, people would be like, you look like shit. That's not going to happen. That's not going to happen. I...

You have to get a Freemason who has sacred geometry knowledge. Do you know what I mean? Like Ordo Templi. Masonic temple. Yes. I got to go to the Masonic temple. They have to have hieroglyphics, tablets. They got to know the cuneiform. Rosetta Stone. Yeah. Ain't nobody alive like that. The problem is I think it would take, part of getting someone to get it right for me would be at least five or six times of them doing it. Of course. And studying. And I'm not doing that. No. And here's what else I'm not going to do. I'm not going to be in the chair like this.

Girl. Or an hour and a half. Girl. And guess what? No offense to anybody who's ever done my makeup, even fame, it doesn't look as good as when I do it because I know what to do to make myself look the way I want to look. Right. You know what I mean? You've worked with

This knows. Yeah. This challenging profile. But I do it straight on. Tell them about the challenging profile. Oh, Mary. So we got hot dog legs. We got spoiled sun-dried hot dog legs. Did we tell them about that? I think we did already, yeah. The hot dog legs. And then somebody told you you had a challenging profile. No, I... Oh, John Mark. I will call him out because it was the funniest thing in the world. I don't think he said that. He implied it and I said, oh, do I have a challenging profile? And I think he just went,

But I looked and he, and I was like, oh shit.

You're your director. Well, he's used to Kelly and Tammy who are female from the side, front and forth. Yeah. And I looked, because we get filmed on our live show while we're in those hostage things. And sometimes I look up and I see the witch profile. I'm like, oh God, 200. It's crazy. You know what it's giving? And I love my nose from the front. That naked old lady in the beginning of The Witch. Oh, totally. Or Melisandre in Game of Thrones when she takes her necklace off and she turns 300. Yeah, I love that shit. Let's take a break. Ending it.

And we're back. And we're back. Go ahead. Go ahead. Oh, I don't know how I should say this. The screamer, my neighbor. Oh, yeah. But I don't want to call her out. Do you know her name? Yes. Oh, don't say her name. Okay. The screamer moved out. The screamer moved out. And she's, well, I don't know if she's well, but she's gone. Was it Meg Ryan? Yeah. Yeah, I know. Meg Ryan getting back on the horse as an actress and starting with scream movies. Well, I don't know. I mean, she's got a...

It was Courtney Cox. Remember when we met Meg Ryan's son? No, we didn't. No, Meg Ryan's son was at Cinespia. We saw him at Cinespia. Billy Eyelash. Billy Eyelash. I was sitting right next to Billy Eyelash. Remember when we used to go do things? I miss this week, truly. I know that, listen, I know that COVID was horrible for the world. We did something, didn't we? Didn't we do something? For joy and enjoyment? Yeah. What did you do yesterday?

Didn't we just do something? I had a photo shoot during the day and then at night I had band rehearsal and then I had band rehearsal today. I've been babysitting for three days. Who's the baby? No, I don't know. I thought we just did. We went out to. No, I guess we didn't.

We have no joy. No joy. No, I mean, well, there was a few times during COVID when I got to go to see Cinespia, which is that amazing outdoor movie. So fun. It's so fun. And obviously being semi-famous has its perks because we get nice blankets and nice snacks. That is the perfect key. That's why I was just talking to these guys that, um, we went, Oh, I went to see what drag show when, um, I tried to get laid and it didn't work. And I, um, talking to these locals and, um, they were like, they kept apologizing for asking pictures. There was just a few of them. I was like, Mary,

I love being famous. Like, it's fine. Also, I'm at a drag show. Yeah. I mean, I know, I assume it's no, if you don't want a picture, it's fine, but let's go for it. I love being famous. I love everything about this kind of fame. I do too. It's a very manageable, low level of fame that gives you a lot of benefits and very few drawbacks. Yeah, I just explained to someone

Very few job acts. Maddie, who works at PEG, she said, do you like being famous? And I said, hell fucking yeah. Why did you think I got into TV? I said, yeah. I said, it's a lot like being lucky. Like,

It's your lucky day. Someone holds the door open for you. Every day. You go somewhere. It's a free drink. Oh, cool. You go somewhere else. You don't know anyone and you're by yourself. Someone comes and talks to you. At that bar, I went to see the guy. I wasn't there. Guess what? I made 10 friends that night. Hung out the whole night. If I was not on Drag Race, they'd be like, get out. Mr. Burns. We're not having sex with you, old man. You old gray boot. You old boot. You old boot. You're an old boot. I go back on tour tomorrow.

Okay, so we got to talk about, so sometimes you guys, when your friend, there are warning signs to look out for when your friends are doing self-harm. It's pretty, honestly, it's, I don't know what meme I was, but like, oh, do you remember that meme from All Stars, you're All Stars of Alaska when she's sitting there with like the alien makeup on and her chin is really retracted and she's just like, that's what I was thinking about this tour. Not that I'm not grateful and I'm excited, but I'm not grateful.

Five days off was not enough, especially when I worked four of them. Well, I was going to say, so that's, okay, so let's- This was my day off. Let's talk real reality. That's not five days off. Well, this is my day off. Five days out of tour doing four days of work. Yes. Yes. This morning I had band rehearsal, now I'm doing this. This is my day off. So you're working on your day off. I see you're packing, you're doing- And then tomorrow before I go to the airport, I'm running 16 miles. Okay.

Okay, so now I'm thinking, but I'm really, listen, I'm loving my body right now.

now great and I'm gonna keep following that yeah I ran after rehearsal last night I went and ran seven miles and smiled the whole time oh that is lovely I'm turning a corner with my training to where I'm fast and I'm running like long open strides yeah I used to run like I hope people don't recognize me and now I run like I hope they fucking do I hope they tell someone hey

Sports Illustrated has a telephoto lens. I read something interesting about running on the internet. They said it was this professional runner did a collab with Nike and he was saying, it's the only sport that's just against yourself. You're the coach, the athlete, and the opponent.

Yeah. Yeah. And I think we've talked about this. I think all exercise is commodified and made into rich people shit. Well, running is for everyone. Same thing with yoga. It's similar that it's just you versus yourself. Yes. You versus your mind. And it's impossible ideals. So you never graduate. You never complete yoga. Never, never, never. You never complete running. Never, never, never.

Yeah. So what is the end with the running? I think, Oh gosh, the real, the real challenge is when you're,

your body starts to deteriorate. Yeah, yeah. Because, I mean, it is very traumatic on the joints. Well, I think I used to exercise because out of vanity, which always yielded short... I hate the word exercise. It always yielded very short-term and unstable results. Maybe a few pounds here. Maybe a few pounds here. Yeah. But when I started doing something with goals in mind... The body I wanted arrived unbeknownst. And I was like, if you just...

do it for doing it. Because what is exercising to look good, to be thin, to, there's no achievable moments. Well, there's no, there's no number on a skill you can chase. It's like, it's stupid. Well, but if you have goals with your personal, like I'm trying to achieve something, the fitness attaches to it and arrives,

Amazon overnight. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you lose track of that because you have these fun goals. I remember the first time I was in yoga night. I never thought I would do a press handstand and one day I did it and I was ecstatic. And then I realized, oh my God, I have the six pack. Do you know what I mean? Consequential. Of course, because you're doing all this crazy shit but that's the fun thing about...

Not exercise. That's why like exercise and going to the gym, like going through the motions just to get a vanity pump is just like, I don't know. Now I understand why people do steroids and get silicone. Yes. You know, why not just wear the suit? I guess, you know, I, I fear the upkeep of plastic surgery.

It certainly does degrade over time. And that's what I feel. Free floating silicone. That's not plastic surgery. That's, that's, those are, that's illegal procedures that are very like, um, for men getting something sucked out of my middle. And then let's say in my forties, I gained weight again. And then I have big everywhere except the middle. Oh, right, right, right. Which isn't quite a masculine look. Cause then I don't want like a big butt in like an impossibly small, like I,

And so I fear the long-term effects of things because I don't trust my, my own followup. And also, and it's anything that is an extreme change, uh,

It's just risky. Also, I didn't know BBLs are so dangerous. Girl. So dangerous. When they gave me these veneers, they said these should be good for like 10 years. And I said, in 10 years, I have to have enough money to re-up these. Or what? Yeah. Or what? It's like buying a Rolls Royce. You got to change those tires, blow it on the highway. They sell you the razor handle, and then the blades are more expensive. It's true. It's like getting an eyelash fill. It's true. Or a nail fill. Yeah. This is ignorant. This is ignorant.

How do people have long acrylic nails and the tour let's say and then one breaks Don't you feel weird when you have like one weird broken nail? Yeah, Michelle used to have them in there. We don't yeah You just live with the girls in them when I was in high school acrylics were big very popular those thick ones the six long square ones and Those girls because I didn't we weren't nobody was rich they get him every like maybe once a month or something and then a half inch would grow out and they get all yellow and nasty and

I just say don't do it. That's what I mean, the upkeep. Like, the girls on our tour, this last tour, would go as a group, I think, and get them, which probably makes sense, but like... Get their nails done. And I guess if you're touring, you could nerd out and find nail artists in each city you want to try. Oh, yeah. I guess that's fun. Because there's fucking... Yeah, you can get some fierce shit going on with your nails. The artistry. I don't... I mean... It's insane. We glue plastic on our fingers and move on with our lives, but like... And barely. I think about sometimes on tours, like, I think about fucking around and getting, like, a short square. You know what's funny? I...

I could never. I couldn't either because I don't want day walker hands. Something about it, it's got to be internalized homophobia. It has to be because I'm of that age. It has to be residue from not wanting to cross my legs and stuff. I know I am a fag and I probably look like a fag. That to me is just, it's so jarring to me for me to look down and see nails during the day. I would be so...

It's just very... It's like wearing pumps. I don't think it's homophobia. I think it's honestly, like, dysmorphic. Like...

That's a heavy word, but like I feel male. And if I look down and saw a long, beautiful, slender female nail, it would be dissonant for me. Yeah, but there's a huge amount of dissonance almost that is like very disturbing. Yeah, for me. Probably to no one else. No one would care. No, they would care. Men would care because they feel that dissonance too. Be like, what the fuck is that? They would notice those nails like...

I remember one time this is like seven years ago. This is before Robbie Turner was on Drag Race. I did a show in Seattle and we went out to like lunch together and she had nails full time like little red. What would they look like? It was like red almonds. Okay. Right. Red almonds. Blood red. And then leather. We were at a place and she ordered soup and she had leather driving gloves on and she was eating the soup and I said, what do you have gloves on? And she said, well, I just, I have like

right now and I just feel like people look at me. I said, you don't think they look at your Scranton Strangler gloves? Wait, she had your indoor leather gloves over the nails? Leather finger gloves on, like covering the full hand indoors with like a t-shirt on. I was like, well, they also look at that. Yeah. I'm just saying, I do think as a male with a set,

It will give you unwanted attention. If you just do a shitty black manicure, that's fine. Guys do that all the time. But there's something about... I remember halfway through All Stars, Rue had... She did a...

like an almond set of acrylics that were like almost like a dark beige, almost like the color of her skin. So they looked like just extended fingers. They were subtle. No, it was cute because I love that color actually when it looks, it's like a coffee color. Oh, I love that. And it was glossy. But halfway through the season, she fucking ripped them things off. Hated it. Out of drag, she had acrylics? Mm-hmm. See, I wouldn't like that. No, it did not. And she's not exactly John Wayne. No.

Or Bruce Willis. You know what I mean? But they would... Something about those hands. You know who gets them? Sometimes male guitar players get them as finger picks. But then you only have those fingers on one hand. So it's like... That's like short, thick plastic points to people. Okay. Why not just like little finger bowl? I don't know. Apparatus? There's not an apparatus? I think sometimes people get breakage and then if you don't have nails at all, you can't play. I really don't know. I just... I hate...

I hate fingernails. I hate wearing them. I know for the moment that we're doing or I like to watch really just the, you know, the few hours when they're on correctly and they look good. I feel pussy cunt bitch shit.

And then as soon as the camera rolls, get these fucking things off me. Shave down, get the glue off. I can't do anything. Can't do anything. There's such a huge fucking pain in the ass. I'm interested in the psychology of people who've had nails for so long that they're like, I can't function without them. Cardi B and those fucking Freddy Krueger talents. Michelle. Michelle carrying around tweezers to pull the card out of the gas pump.

Fierce. It's fierce. But like for her, life finds a way. That's part of her hand. Yeah. No, but it's different. They can open doors now. No, but that's different because they are an extension of your finger. Gluons are always vulnerable to pop off. That's why they're so stressful. If you're watching this or listening here on YouTube or watching this,

If you have nails, are they like part of your hand? Or when you got them, were you like, girl, I can't function? Because I would think some people would try them for the first time and then that week be like, get these things off. I don't feel human. Oh, if you're not like giving pussy pussy glamour cunt, if you're, you know, if you're like, that's the thing. I, now when I think of,

The generation that has super ornate nails, I think of like crazy dressed up nails, exposed chin acne, bad bangs. Like I think of like. Oh yeah. Yeah. There's dissonance there. Crumbs on the T-shirt. It's like having stilettos on full time or something. With like dirty sweatpants. At least with press-ons, you kind of know what time it is. We were like, it's on and in a few hours they'll come off. But see, I don't know. Press-ons truly baffle me if you're not a performer because what's the damn point? Get the damn acrylics. Wear them for a few hours. And destroy your nail beds. Yeah.

I mean, anyway, I love the way they look. Every time I go into CVS or Walgreens, I look at them. I never buy them anymore, but I just look at them. I love them. You should love making them. I would buy the acrylic tips in the beauty store and then spray paint them. Yeah, spray paint them. Jewel them, the long ass ones that always rip your hair out. Oh, horrible. Girl, I mean, I look back. There was a phase where I was wearing long, square, blue nails, and I'm like...

Something. I think it's because you're always like, especially if you're not a dancer, you just like, you know, do that. Oh, nothing's better than grabbing a dollar with long clickety clacks or this. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Gay. I'm not that gay though. Just like Jasmine Masters says. David will take my auto heart pics and put them on and pretend to be Catwoman. How about this? Could you jerk someone off from Grindr with them? Are you talking about if I had nails on I couldn't hook up? That's what I'm saying. I couldn't jerk myself off with nails on. I've tried to do that and it's not. Dissonance. It's not. Maybe it's a little homophobic. I don't know. No, no, no, no, no. It's just I don't want to get jerked off by a 69 year old witch.

Because that's what I give you when I have these discolored bony knuckles with those fucking talons. It's very Hansel and Gretel. Black magic woman. Let's take a break. Let's take a break.

And we're back. So the first leg of the tour is over. You're going on another tour, which is so crazy. Girl. Oh, no, no, no. I wanted to tell you. I wanted to tell you what it was. So I was, you know, I was like dying to come home, dying to come home. Love the show. Love it. In everything about it, like the crowd, everything's great. There's no problem with the show when we're on stage. The merch? The merch is yanking. Everybody, the customers, it's so wonderful. Yeah.

I get home. I'm so happy. I almost cry. The next day, I'm like, I kind of want to do a show again. I kind of missed it almost immediately. Stuckle. Yeah. Syndrome. Because it's like, you know. You're an abuser. It was, yeah. I know he hits me, but he loves me. Yeah, but he buys me presents. Yeah. Well, I know I get it. I mean, I was already. Momentum. I had tonight off and I was texting some bars to see if they wanted to DJ. I was just like, I feel like playing. Busboy? You guys use Busboy? Yeah, I don't know why.

No, you like to work. You like to work. But you know what I've been doing? What? Burning the cash when you get it? Dentures? No, what's that? Oh, yes. This is how I... I'll just take a little half, a little nibble of a gummy. What's that do for you? Should I go out? Should I work? Should I do laundry? And then I'm like, I'm going to be on Twitter for two hours on my phone.

It's the only way to get me to shut up and sit down. Okay, I'll keep that in mind. I'm going to hit the dispensary after this. And like doing some vocal rest for a few days and stuff like that. I'm like, I need to spend a few days in sort of a vegetative state between these tours. Oh my God. I need to. Of course. Like the, you know, did this happen to you when you were a kid? Because I remember distinctly not having FOMO the other, I had the other thing. I couldn't wait to get home and be alone. Oh no. Never had that?

No, I was like such a social busybody. I wanted to be a part of everything. Really? That changed. Yeah, that did change. No, it didn't. I mean, not for me. Like, I'm still trying to do a lot of shit. No, you like to go out and have fun with people. But now I'm like either by myself or with others. I'm either awake or asleep. If I'm not smiling, I'm frowning. You know? Yeah, I don't know. I mean...

I like touring in general. It gives my life rhythm. Yeah, yeah. And I don't ever look forward. I don't ever not want to do the show. I often don't want to start getting in drag. Oh, I never want to do the show. Once the show starts, I love it. I don't mind doing the show. I never want to get in drag. At 3.30 p.m., I don't want to put a drag on. See, I'm usually either neutral or excited to do my face. That's where it ends.

The body. I never... So we're... Oh, Mary, we're trying to go through this whole... We're doing a refresh because... I don't know if y'all are aware, but I sweat more than the average person, except in Phoenix, Arizona, in the Masonic Temple in Detroit. Just lovely. But not a drop, bitch. Not a drop. I thought it was... I thought, like, it was maybe the end of days, the end of times or whatever. So, like, there is just so much...

It's just so uncomfortable. I remember, like, I can so vividly recall getting miked by Cade when we were in a costume ready to go on. And I'm standing there. Sweating. No, no, not sweating. Just uncomfortable. I know. Just, like, squeezed, tucked, stuffed, like, smushed, and then wrapped. And then it's just, like, just being in drag is very uncomfortable. And then you got to do stuff. Then you got to do stuff. I know, but shout out to the assistance of the world because...

ripping my drag off, stepping in the shower and then getting out of the shower and having it all put away. There was one, there was, there, there's only been a couple of nights where I will, sometimes I will go in the bathroom with my soaked unmentionables and be like, no human being should have to do this. I'm going to do this. But when you come out in the makeups packed,

And everything's packed. And you remember doing nightclubs at 3.30 in the morning. Heartbreak feels good in a place like this. And you get back to that hotel. Nothing's packed. Ain't nobody going to help you. And you get a 6 a.m. flight.

And when you're me when you add being drunk to it, oh my drunk my packing Are you kidding me throwing things at it sitting on it slam like breaking a zipper? Yeah going to the airport drunk sleeping on a plane hungover like how many times I went to the airport Blindly hung blind hungover, but I feel like that's kind of a norm. Yeah, that's kind of a norm But airport hungover is not the only redeeming quality is well you fear puking you fear shitting yourself. Oh, that's right. Oh

If you're shitting yourself, I mean, alcohol makes some people. Both ends. Yes. You feel the headache, but the only saving grace is you're like, at least when I get to the airport, there'll be access to water and snacks and Gatorade and like, you know, convenience store items. You're like. A good $18 bag of pretzels and a $25 water. Give me my $46 sandwich. Yeah.

Oh, shit. But listen, you have off for a month. If you want to come see me, I'm all over the UK and Europe doing Grown Up. It's a hilarious show. 15 costumes, four wigs, full band, jokes, videos. You're going to love it. Yeah. What are you going to do for the month? Oh, baby, guess what? I'm going to the Amalfi Coast in Italy, ho. To Mandarino di Amalfi, Capri. Oh, because...

Capri. Are you coming? Am I going to see you? Are you coming on my channel? We're going to do press. Oh, season seven of Unstarted today, yesterday. The new episode is so funny. It's so funny. Girl, the part where we scream and it goes down a waterfall. It's so good. And we look great. We look great. The girls are giving it. So that happened. And then you're doing press for...

with you. I think it's that new estrogen cream that we're doing. That's right. That rub-on estrogen cream. It cures endometriosis. Oh my God, that human hair wig you wear on tour eating mandigos, that's her estrogen. So, oh my God, we have so many. So we've been washing wigs, been working in the studio all day the last couple of days. I put that wig on before I came here and I said, I think I might need a bra before I go.

Because that was the custom vanity and Miss Vanity, Miss Vanity knows what time it is. She knows, Miss Vanity knows exactly what time it is. It's the world clock. She has a digital world clock to the second. Girl, this wig that my, my new custom hairline vanity for this tour, it's like my base wig. I put it on today. Fina snatched it up the way without glue. It lays perfectly to my head. The entire molded. Yeah. Honey molded to that noggin.

Yeah. Drag is so hard when you don't have access to the right materials. I know. You have to be funny. Or you have to know how to do shit. You got to like have something. But now, now like having, having nice hair and stuff, I'm like, drag used to be so much. I mean, obviously there's a lot of things about drag that are easier now. But just,

But just having access to a wig that fits your fucking male head. Most wigs are female sized and females have littler heads. Or just shittily made at $30. So if you're male or plus size, wigs just don't fit your head. No. And then you get to put on this handmade, custom colored, rooted fucking...

human Bella. It's like Dula peep, but like whipping it. You're just like, Oh my God, I've wasted my whole life. I should have been doing porn this whole time. Yeah. But yeah, never too late. When I'm in track, I feel like a woman. Well, you look like a monster. I know, but that has nothing to do with me. What do you mean? Do you feel like a woman? I feel like the, like, I feel like Trixie is a real person and I am that person. Do you feel like a Barbie doll?

Like a bar, like a, I feel like the drag doesn't come off. Does that make sense? No, I feel like what, even though it's painted on and crazy and coiffed, I feel like that's what I look like all the time in drag. Wait, what? I don't know. I don't know. When I'm in drag, I feel like if I got in the shower and the water ran down my body,

I would wash my face and that makeup would still be on in a way. Do you know what I mean? Like it's a weird. Oh, of course. I know exactly what you mean. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I know I'm a drag queen. It's the mask that fuses to your. Yeah. Yes. It's the mask. The mask where it goes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why the comp. It's de-dragging is a very complicated process because even if there's residue, I feel like. It's a lot like coming down. Yeah. Coming down from what? Like.

Yeah. You know, it has to be like scrubbed off. Like if I get a little FAA, I have a speck of eyelash glue. It's that scene in black, not a black Swan where she said the mirror says whore. And she's like trying to wipe it off. That's me trying to remove. Yeah.

By the way, you know, it's great for the skin. That green shit. Oh, no shit, Mary. How about this? Six days in a row of me, full lumberjack beard, shaving down and then shaving up. That sixth show, blood everywhere. Oh my God. Blood everywhere. And then having to put a super emollient heavy fucking pore clogging cream over it in powder. Yeah. Speaking of estrogen, I don't know what kind of crack I've been on. Mm-hmm.

I've been having a prolonged good skin day for like a month.

Let's celebrate. Let's celebrate that. Well, maybe it's you're happy. I think it's because of tour. Because of the makeup every day, the cleansing has been deep. And on the days off, it was masks. You're very hygienic too, mama. Your brushes are washed all the time. You don't use dirty brushes. You have a very hygienic routine. Well, you've seen how my assistant lives in constant fear. Yeah, you have him hazmatted, biohazard level five, and he doesn't need anything. Afraid. Yeah.

Well, anything else to say? Yes. Horoscope season's coming up, so get your Zodiac signs out. Yeah. You can pre-order our new book. Marry the book. Yeah. I got a birthday coming up. She's got a birthday. Get her something. No, just give me a dollar. Give her a dollar. Yeah, or give your friend a dollar. A few of my cities are sold out. When's the pink and the what album? Oh, the pink and the blonde album comes out pretty soon. I don't know when. Come on, Loretta came out this week.

Well, I mean, you're a musician, not a marketing person. I'm sorry. All right. But yeah, the new record. Check it out. Okay. Bye. Bye.