The 7 Disks of Spinning Energy Inside You with Trixie and Katya
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When I worked at the makeup counter, there was a girl. We'll call her . That was her name. Let's call her something else. Okay. I just remember this woman was like, this woman would come and she looked at all of us like, "Hey, you have a makeup appointment." And I think she thought like it's like a brothel where you get to pick the makeup artist. Like we're going to be like, "Hey, big boy, you're so tall."

And she was like, "I want her. I don't want her 'cause you're not cute and your body doesn't have any shape." - She's like, "Good morning, good morning. Not you, you can choke." - Totally. And I remember the girl cried and we were like- - Well, that's really, it's really disrespectful and hurtful. - But like-

But people would want the most at the makeup counter, right? We all are great makeup artists, whatever. But some of us probably are born with a little more symmetrical features, like classically beautiful things. And the people would want the most attractive person they can identify with a makeup belt on to do their makeup. But in fact, get the dogs, mama. Not the dogs. That's not what I want to say. Like the most perfectly naturally hot person has never had to

make themselves look that great. They've never had to turn shit into gold. Ask the woman with no cheekbones how to build cheekbones. She has the crooked nose, the glassy eye, and then the thick beard. The person with the perfect almond eyes probably...

probably won't know how to cheat an eye shape or like, cause they've never had to. - How to like apply eyeshadow to your creepy droopy 90 year old skin. - Totally. The 19 year old who's like, I, you know, you want, you want the haggard sun damage. You want the woman with the bright red chest. - And the trach. - You're like, so I just wanted, I'm going to do a little BB cream and then maybe like some brown mascara. - Yeah. - Yeah. Like, oh no. - Okay. That sounds great, honey. I have to go. I have to look great for my new date.

Now that you don't smoke, you're going to enter the fold of being traumatized by those commercials. Can you believe it? But have those commercials ever scared you? No, they egg me on. They're very effective marketing. Not for me. They have made me never want to smoke. Whoa. The one where the woman's like, I wake up, I put on my wig, I put in my stoma. Well, see, mama, that sounds like... No, no, no, not to make light of it. It hits a little close to home for you. Because the reality is that

it's not like it's not a clear and present danger it's not an immediate threat do you know what i mean it's common but not now well yeah yeah like but it could like i could have already done the damage i could be like 13th in line for lung cancer even though i've quit and if i stay stopped do you know i mean well i remember when kathy griffin came out as with lung cancer she's never smoked a cigarette in her life well yeah of course you don't have to get lung cancer but i remember being like

So I put a lifetime into not smoking and I could still fucking end up with lung cancer. Of course you could. Yeah. I don't like that. Well, I mean, also I've known many people who smoke their whole lives without lung cancer. Yes. Do they have the best breath? The best cardiovascular fitness? The best speaking voice? Well, if you like, if you're kind of into that, I like that. But like, you know, that's the thing I'm...

It's not the long haul. I can't even conceptualize that. It's the now. And I don't want to smell like shit now. And I don't want to have to go outside now and be an asshole now. See, I was just talking to Andrew about this yesterday. We talk about you a lot. And I said, I think part of what's made her successfully quit smoking is now that she has a yard to exercise in, she can go outside without associating it to, I need a cigarette to go outside. Absolutely. I don't even think about it anymore.

Although when I did see someone smoking, it's funny. When I see a straight guy smoking, I'm like, ugh, you're fucking, you're a loser. When I see a gay guy smoking, I'm like, mm. When I see a girl, any girl smoking, I'm like, oh, I want that. Because you want to be her. But rarely. It's not that I want the cigarette. I don't want the cigarette. I just want the illusion back.

If David buys marijuana that has, you know, sometimes marijuana looks like a white long cigarette. I still am like, I'm not smoking that. I'm like, that looks too cigarette-y. Yeah. I just miss the illusion of like tricking myself so heavily into believing that this thing that I'm about to do is going to make me feel better. I know. But it's a trick. It's a good trick, stupid one. I'm trying to roll back my energy drink too.

You're trying to roll what back? Roll back my consumption of energy drinks. What do you have? Well, I love like a Celsius before exercise. No fucking shit, Mary. But if I'm doing that every day and like a black tea in the morning, it's like...

I know. That is something. Shut up, you faggot. Shut up. This reminds me of the time. Do you remember when I called you inconsolable because I was convinced that I had contracted HIV and I hadn't had anal sex? Yeah. Or any kind of penetrative. I had oral sex and I was. So you called me and asked me if you could exercise when you had taken half a Viagra.

I mean, I do have an MD. Well, I Googled it and apparently people take Viagra and exercise because it makes your muscles fill up with blood more. They get that pump going. Yeah. Bloodshot divas at the gym. We all know each other. Also, a lot of people go to the gym on G.

- What? - Yeah, yeah. - Well, a lot of gay people do G with every activity. - What? - I know, not drive though. Please don't drive on G. - I thought G was just partying, go-go dancing and sex. - Well, think about it. Partying, go-go dancing, sex. What do all those things have in common?

physical activity. You think? Why no? Duh. What do you mean? But I thought it was more about how you feel, but aren't you scared of G-ing out at the GIMM, at the Gold's in Hollywood? Absolutely, which I think is why they all get their scientist degree, their certificate, their dosing certificate. Can I say the few times that I've had G in my life?

It is always like an after party with like a lawyer, a doctor, like a banker. Yes. And the time I did first time I did do G, I'm pretty sure the person who did the dosing was an MD. Right. Because these are

educated rich men who have this 30 days a month normal life. And then one day a month they need- - White party, white party. - Fist, heels, raggedy hip. - War digest. - Yes, like they go hard, they do. And that's why I think for you, people like you and I- - Circuit parties. - That vibrate between the realms.

We're shocked by normal people going wild because we're like, ooh, girl. But we don't go to the dentist at 8 a.m. on Monday to work there. Totally. You know? So I don't go to the grocery store after my 9 to 5 job. Right. It's a different lifestyle. I don't know. But the G, what were we saying? The Celsius girl, just check your heart. Check your blood pressure. You'll be fine.

It's not great for you. - It's not the best drink to consume. - I know, but now that I've eliminated- - But caffeine is, mama, caffeine's great. - I guess because I eliminated alcohol and I like the way it feels long-term. - Do you wanna go Gwyneth Paltrow? - A little. I have been like, should I cut caffeine? - Do you wanna be miserable? - Bored. - No.

But why would I become one of those 5 a.m. people who does an Instagram story about my chakra? Mama, I went, no, you need to go out, goon at the sun as it rises, get that natural, do the cold plunge. You want a quick caffeine? You get a fucking cold plunge in your goddamn house. Well, lately we've been only heating the pool to 87. So I think that's pretty much on par with jumping in Lake Michigan in December. This is a little bit lower. It's about 35. Hmm.

This guy, Crew Mahoney that I follow on Instagram is like a young athlete, very sexy. But he's very motivational. He gets up, runs every morning at five. He's been doing it for 160 days or more. Crazy. Does a cold plunge every, gets up at four or five o'clock in the morning? Yeah, he's like insane. Very consistent. Gets up at four and jumps in a cold plunge? I think five, I think five. How does he have a cold plunge? He has it in his bedroom.

Not rich, not rich. Mama, not rich. I mean, I don't know, but he looks like he lives in the suburbs. He's very young. Anyways, how many people who are working paycheck to paycheck? Do you know that jump in an ice bath in the morning?

i don't know his financials but that's not the point then don't talk to me about him unless you have his quickbooks and his turbo tax but mama you have the financials so i'm saying that you could do it easily you guys you get out that you not it's not the best part of waking up as folders in your cup it's the best part of waking up is dropping into that ice bucket for three full minutes yeah and then 150 of cocaine dopamine starts flooding your brain all day long

Ooh, there ain't no other way. The great value store brand that I experience is at night, David likes the temperature in our house about 40 degrees. Love it. But then when I'm, I would say, huddling for warmth, when I'm like a lost Boy Scout trying to get as much skin-on-skin contact to survive the night, which is how I feel in that temperature, he has the nerve to be like,

Can you be less intense? You are all like, I can't breathe. And I'm like, I can see my breath, you faggot. Like, get on top of me. You have the nerve to be so warm, so fuzzy and laying right next to me. Smother my dying ass, bitch. Smother me, bitch. Like you're the revenant. I'm cold. I run cold. I'm bald. I have no body hair. I'm cold. You're like a little baby hamster. Yeah. Mama's going to eat you. Yeah.

That happens. I've seen it. Do you want a pet in here? I've seen it. You don't at all? The taxidermy. That don't count. We've got four in counting. But you don't want a real animal. No. You like dogs? I love dogs. You do. What I don't love is baby responsibilities and also palpating animal shit with my fingers and hands. But you came over the other day and you worked out. I'm so happy you agreed to do that. I was sore.

Fabulous. I was sore. I said, you know, I work out my arms and stuff.

There was parts of my back because I was doing arms with full body. Yeah. I was sore in the front. Yes. And the back. Yes. Bottom of arms. Yeah. These. Probably that guy. Yeah. So not just the arms, but like weird back muscles that I guess I previously have not activated. Well, these are hard to activate. It was intense. The rowing and then the, yeah. I love that little gym. You have a little gym on the first floor. And you want to talk about icebox? That's the ice bucket challenge down there. I work out in these.

freezing frigid cold. And I fucking love it. Today's episode is brought to you by Angie. Angie has made it easier than ever to connect with skilled professionals to get all your jobs and projects done well. Let me tell you, there's the version of it where you try to do something at home and then there's a version of it where you have someone help you, you watch them do it the right way and you go, thank God I didn't try to do that myself.

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Thursday, I took a gig at The Addition in Hollywood, DJing at the hotel. It was so nice. What a cool room. Was it the disco ball place? Yes. The whole ceiling is disco balls and some of them are spinning and they're all lit and it's mesmerizing. It's amazing. I get there, I'm in drag, I did a video and I didn't know how hot it was going to be. So I walked in, the air hit my face and I said out loud, you got to be kidding me. And then I had to, I only had to play for 60 minutes, but it turned into 60 minutes of

of prayer that my wig stays on. - Hold on, hold on. So six minutes for me in that heat would be a wrap. - I can't do. - 60. - Six minutes. - Yeah.

I was so hot. What is wrong with people? I was so hot. And then my wig, I thought was glued on well. I had to glue it back on twice. I had to lift up the front lace. People are watching me DJ. I had to lift up the front lace, take the brush. I don't know if you've ever done this. Stick the brush between the lace and the head. Try to coat as much of it. And then I took a bar towel and I'm DJing and I had the bar towel pressed into my hairline while I'm like riding this, the job wheel. Yeah. Yeah.

And it was so hot and I left and I thank them all for having me. And they were like, would you ever come back? And I said, not in drag. Yeah. Never again. No, I don't think I can do a local L.A. gig in drag anymore. It all ends up being so hot that I experienced death. And now I'm curious, bar owners, club owners, promoters, business owners, what

What are you trying to do? Well, I can tell you what they're trying to do. They're trying to sell drinks. If it's hot, people buy drinks. Nope. That's what they want. No, ma'am. No, ma'am. No, ma'am. I want to talk about untrue things. Truly. That is... I know. It's not true. If I walked into a room with... That's a fictionalized report.

It's fake news. If I walked in, there was disco balls on the ceiling and good music playing and the air conditioning was amazing, I would call Brandon and say, fly in my bed. I'm living here now. Chain me, do the chain, hook me to the ceiling because I'm suspended for life here. Totally. Hooks in the nipples. Raptured up. The cell. Jennifer Lopez in the cell.

I don't understand. It was like my hell of jocks. It was like... What's with that though? What's with it? Well, that particular scenario involved intentional torture of the girls. That was a little bit of a hostile situation going on. H-O-S-T-E-L. It was like...

oh, how can we torture these drag queens so that my sick, perverse fantasies can become realized? I think that was vindictive in a way. Also, just forgetfulness and lack of consideration for people's comfort. And then when you're getting paid $40 a gig, you're afraid to speak up because you're afraid of being difficult. Right. But now I've just been fucking around and saying it. Girl, when I DJed at Heart three weeks ago with Aqua, you know, afterward they were like, I hope you had a great time. I said, I would have. It was too hot.

I've just been saying I didn't have a good time because it was too hot. And then the club, did I tell you this part? The club, I'll say someone, it was hot somewhere. And the club person afterward, in my SUV, wet. Wet to the core. Wet. Breathless. Wet. And the window rolls down. I look over and it's the person who booked me and is like,

Well, I figured it out. And I said, why? I said, I found out who turned off the air. And I said, someone turned off the air. It was that moment in Welcome to Me where she's like, someone's been tampering with my makeup bag. I was like, turned off the air conditioning.

Turned off the air conditioning. I looked like Mrs. Potato Head covered in gun oil. It looked so fucking nasty. I looked like French fries blanched and refried. Like, it was so bad. I imagine you like Lucy Liu swiftly getting up on the table with a save by story. The next person who turns off the fucking air, I collect your fucking head.

A hundred percent. But now I realized in LA, if it's a local gig, I just can't offer drag to DJ. That's all. It's just not possible. I think we need to have like a little paragraph that's kind of inspired by Kill Bill. Like, um,

The next time I walk into a club and the air quality is not to my liking, the price is, I collect your fucking head. So if any of you people fuck with the thermostat, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah. It's just, it's unacceptable. I'm like, think like you're booking the Teletubbies. You're booking Big Bird. Think of the heat involved. Think of that. Yeah, um, uh, wool suit. Uh, uh, the, the, the, oh, the Yeti. The Yeti. Who? The Yeti? The Yeti. From the Matterhorn?

Oh, yeah. Why would you bring that up? You know I don't like that. No, um... An ice sculpture. I think of me as an ice sculpture. RuPaul ice sculpture. That's what I think of RuPaul as. And, like, you know, is... I would probably follow RuPaul into combat. Only... I'm saying that as a dramatic thing only because...

Because I know the temperature is going to be right. Right. And like I would follow her into evil deeds, let's say. Yeah. I would. If RuPaul said, hey, do you want to come over? We're all going to be in drag. I would go time and place. Yeah, yeah. Because I know the air conditioning is going to be right. I would gladly be complicit in nefarious activities in the shadow of RuPaul because I know that shadow is crisp, cool and comfortable. But I also thought, why am I afraid of telling the truth? Now when people are like, did you have fun tonight? I go, no, I almost did. But it was so hot that I didn't have any fun.

And that's tough. Yeah. I would have if the thermostat were at an acceptable range, but it certainly wasn't. But it certainly wasn't. So I had a horrible time. And I will never be returning. Thank you so much. Well, no, I was like, yeah, we'll come back out of drag. I can't come back in drag again. Yeah, yeah.

It's so, once, I don't know. It's July in California. You got money. You got money. We need to do some research in R&D at MIT for a temperature controlled sequin catsuit. Sure. Gel. You know what I mean? Those ice packs? What about like a reno show? Like sort of like a...

Tabitha taking over for any bar that's hot. Or I show up in a Mr. Freeze. Yes, in Ayambo Van Zandt. Ayambo Van Zandt is like the fix my life lady comes. Yeah. And it's like, no, no, no.

- Not on this temperature. - Not on my watch. Not this hot. - That would be so funny. - Can I tell you what happened to me the other day too? - No. - This is my tile, right? That I use to find my keys every day. - Yes. - 'Cause I lose my keys and wallet and passport every day. - Do you really? - So I got one of these so I can never lose anything. - Okay. - 'Cause my phone will tell me, "Oh, you left home without your keys." It's very helpful. So then I got two keys made, one for my new house, one for my guest house, right?

Love that. Yeah. I went to Home Depot. They had, I thought I'd have to, you know, you ever get a key made? It takes forever. You have to talk to people. They had machines there where you plug in your house key. It locks it in there and you pick out a key on a screen and it makes them for you. Rite Aid, honey. And you never had, I never had to interact with a single person. You didn't have a Rite Aid? But I was at Home Depot. Which is a Sniffy's location, the one in Hollywood. Oh, yeah.

The Home Depot parking lot is a jerking off location. Yeah, you can hire an undocumented worker to help you with your yard or get someone to suck and fuck you, big time baby. I don't know how to talk about this in a way that I know is the right verbiage. I'm disturbed by the number of people who are in the parking lot at Home Depot trying to find manual labor work because they can't legally work because there's no way to get people documented. This is a country...

that is built on people showing up, killing everyone and taking the land. Everybody who came here was an immigrant. But then for some reason we turn around and say, no, we don't like immigrants. Bitch, everyone who is here is an immigrant. Every single person. But that's logic in common sense. That's just not. But if we want people, like if there's a way where we are so like, no, you're undocumented, you can never work. Is there some way where people who are undocumented could work, but maybe part of their wages goes to getting them an ID, a passport, a social security number, like,

Either you have documentation to work or you don't in this country. And what is the process to get people? Where's that bridge? You know what I mean? The reverse of like in movies when they have prostitutes and it's girls in miniskirts, like you want to date gorgeous. It's that. But with men at Home Depot, we're like, do you need help with your yard? Yeah. Is I just was like, what's the solution here? I don't know. I think it's probably a livable wage. The abolishment of ICE.

Ice needs to go. It's like, girl, if people are here, they're here. Yeah. How do you help them? Well, how about that sitting booby traps along the border when that pregnant teen got killed? Catch it. It's crazy. They're rotten. It's like our version of the SS. I know these are bigger problems that you and I can solve, so maybe it's a waste. That's why we're talking about it. Okay. Yeah. I think it's what? 2 p.m. by 445, we should have the solution. Something hooked up. Yeah.

Well, Home Depot is wild though. Every time I go in there, you know, cause I'm a HGTV star. Of course. Every time I go in there, I feel so full of possibility. Me too. And then I walk around and realize, I don't know how to work anything in there. Why?

I was looking at doors, then I'm looking at tiles, then I'm looking at door knobs, chandeliers. I'm thinking about it. Lights. Screws. Paint. Hammers. Plants. Wait, everything. What about Becky? Roberta? Stephanie? Jill? Thank you so much for holding on the phone. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. High on crack street, but it's very... Did you see the whole thing?

Someday I'm gonna make a documentary about this, the way that America allows and sensationalizes female celebrities to be off the rails with drug use, and we still put them on camera. Anna Nicole presenting at the MTV Awards?

barely legible speaking wise yeah baby yeah amy reinhouse having a song called rehab and we're all like that's fun thank you so much uh-huh yeah i know it's it's tough i was like i saw the meme of that obviously like um donna karen juicy right thank you you better lay low i mean it's funny of course but then i watched the five minute full version of it and i'm like

Oh, okay. Like an emaciated, sweating Whitney gets on stage with a kind of a raggedy wig and I'm like, oh my God. Yeah. But I mean, I say this as somebody who put you in a movie at your worst. But I also gave you my consent. Yeah. I guess I just wish like, I don't know, people get help.

But I was, I wasn't like. Like they walk off stage. It's like, Ooh, that was kind of a ride. But also, are you okay? Do you need anything? But you did not. I didn't set out to do that. No, no, no, no. And you did not also, you didn't capture footage of me like, like that. Oh yes, I did. I just didn't use it.

Well, there you go. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That part. So like that, you could have, you could have Whitney'd me big time. However, the day, the day that was the big day of that, we were on set with about 10 other cameras. It's not like we were already in the middle of filming. There was already cameras everywhere. And I'm so thankful that they, I mean, I mean, if they had done that, they, I would have, I don't want to have sued them, but I certainly would have like, it would have been so tasteless and so disgusting.

But pointless. They did the opposite. I mean, Viceland is absolutely like...

- It's hard with reality, docudrama, et cetera, because you wanna be honest, but you also have to protect the people in it. How honest can you, because you don't wanna feel like, I think it's hard. It's like when something like, it's not the same, but on "Vanderpump Rules" this year, they had that massive cheating scandal. When you're making a show about people's real lives, you can't control what their real life will look like that day. - Right, yeah. It's so funny. I mean, do you think that reality TV,

Because some of these hoarder shows, like the exploitative surveillance, like it just seems some, I don't know. It's like some of these things I just don't think should be filmed. Well, on one hand, what if Hoarders is a show that helps people start that conversation with one of their own family members? Do you think, but is that data available in Wonderland? It could. I mean-

Listen, they're making a show. I don't think they are primarily a nonprofit. However, I do think there's a world where showing people having conversations with their family about how it started, the trauma,

Etc. And starting to fix that could help people at home start the same process. Yes, I'm walking on sunshine. Well, that intervention is different intervention. Also, I saw it young and I've been scared of drugs my whole life. So there's probably people like me who maybe that was part of why I was kind of afraid of drugs. By the way, for somebody who's afraid of drugs, I have tried them all. But yeah, I don't think scared straight is the thing.

I'm not sure what the thing, I think it's like, but also on intervention, there are people who, because of the show and the intervention,

Their life has changed for the better. Yeah. I mean, well, just in general, the statistics on recovery are so, so, so low. It's so, so, of course, so same with hoarding, though. So much of the time they're like the person's house was never after the after show credits thing is like, oh, they never cleaned up their yard and their house got repossessed. Yeah. They fused to the couch there and their corpse is still there. Yeah. The dead cats and the dead animals. Also women eating poop. Do you know about that?

There was an episode of Intervention where a woman was addicted to pooping in plastic bottles and saving the poopy water. And she would like let it ferment and then she would eat it. And before she went before she went to recovery, she said before they started renovating her house, not renovating, cleaning up the hoard.

She was like, no, on intervention, they let them get high one last time. And Kim, the coach, was like, I have to ask, why do you want to eat poop one more time before we clean your house? And she's like, because we're allowed to get high one more time. So for her, it was like a high from eating poop, which is more than a hoarding issue. Because when we talk about hoarding, we're talking about people's trauma. Newspapers. Old newspapers. Yeah. Old apple cores. Yeah.

- Poopies, storing and saving poops? - Well, a lot of times the people who are hoarding are over the age of let's say 40, 50. It's usually empty nesters, widows. So I think there's also something to be said about, I don't want to say the negligence, but there's a certain amount of leaving someone to their own devices that lets them become a hoarder. - Mama, if I didn't have guests every once in a while,

Yeah. Ooh, there ain't no other way. I'm with you. I think these things are so complicated that it's impossible to speculate. And yeah, and it's also, it just makes me feel a little bit uneasy when we're like, because the bottom line for a network is not about, is not altruistic. It's like, how can we get eyeballs on this thing? And that obviously- Well, that's like relying on capitalism to never allow monopoly because of goodwill. Yeah. People looking out for each other. Right. No social solidarity in this country. Well, miss the nanny.

Miss Fran. Miss Fran. Do we already talk about this? No, no, no. On Miss the nanny, when she said, when I did the nanny, we all ate. We all got our fat paycheck. We all lived the dream. Yeah. And now if the nanny happens today, the people at the top would eat and we wouldn't. Right. Look at yourselves. I mean, she's making these people go like the problem with capitalism is it allows people's own perception of what they deserve to be law as far as how much everyone else should get paid. Yeah.

Like the first time there's an A24 or a Blumhouse that's equitable where everyone makes the same amount from the actor to the PA. We all get the same amount to be on the film. That will never happen. That will never happen. But-

i also think as much as i think stars and stuff should be able to ask for as much money as they want look what just happened on the real housewives in new york what they're all gone all those women were let go executed no andy cohen i mean i wouldn't put it past them they were all let go and a new cast was hired and on one hand it was because of like you know uh a bad season or whatever that they had

But at a certain point, talent is it's possible as talent to negotiate yourself out of a show. Of course, if you push hard enough, they'll just replace you. Oh, yeah. There's a bunch. There's plenty of alcoholics on Long Island to put a camera in. Right. So it goes both ways. We're like, I don't think executives and shit should abuse their power, but also talent abuses their power where it's like if I'm a big enough singer, whether or not I wrote that song, if I buy it from you, I become a third songwriter, even though I didn't write a word. I think that's unethical.

Well, the music industry... Or if you're such a big actress that when you join a movie, you become a producer. I think that's unethical. Like... Really? Kind of. Just because you're the most famous and you might sell tickets doesn't mean you're producing it. Like... I think it's all a little weird. That I don't know about. But I know the music industry, that whole thing was created on theft, dishonesty, and stealing. And control. Control. It's also like... A lot of people don't know this. If you're signed by a real big label...

You're maybe still making records out of your garage and then this label comes and says we will give you we will advance you a million dollars All you have to do is when you're saying it's the next it's for the next four records and what it means is over the next four records if you don't make us at least what we've advanced you it gets renewed and you owe us more now and people get caught in a cycle of they're not making good enough money to make their lab label happy, but they're not allowed to leave because

because they have a contract holding them. So in a weird way, labels are like, well, if we're not helping you make money, we're also holding on to you enough that you can't leave and go make someone else money. Which happens a lot. They do it on TV where they do a talent hold. I'll just say it. They do it in renovation, all kinds, where they'll hold you as talent. And even though they don't want to give you your own show, they want to make sure you don't go do it with someone else.

So it's not even always about goodwill of helping you. It's about making sure that if you're not going to eat with me, you're not eating with anyone. I know that. I know that attitude.

And so, so much of this has to be just renewed. And that's why sometimes in the contract negotiation process, you do have to go like, can we be real for a second? That thing you're asking for is crazy. Cut the shit, Marty. I've been on shows where right off the bat, they ask for complete rights of my entire musical catalog. And also your kidneys, your liver, your thyroid, and like both your ear holes. I'm not Coldplay. My music's not worth that much. But asking for ownership of some shit before you even entered the picture is...

I should have the right to laugh at you for asking that because that's crazy. I know. It's, you know, I mean, so many shows. Imagine if you're on a certain singing show. If you compete, they own part of your music for years. Is that American Idol? Or any of them. Who knows? I don't know. I've never been on those shows. The Voce? And you sign that stuff when you audition.

- When you're auditioning, you're not, you don't have a lawyer. You don't have a manager. You just like, can't even imagine it. - You're Bob regular getting off the bus from Oklahoma going derpy, derpy, whoopie doopie, I'm gonna sing. - I know we've talked about it. When I read Michelle's book, she talked about seduction. She was in seduction for two years. Michelle talks about it. - Oh, take it to the cleaners. - Michelle ended seduction two years and ended it borderline in debt.

And Michelle was playing. They were opening for Milli Vanilli, who was huge at the time. They were playing giant venues. And Michelle was carrying the team's costumes, doing promotional radio shit all the time. And I think she was making, I forget what she says in the book, but it's something like $1,000 a month was her pay. On tour with production. She should be grateful.

But that's the way they would make her feel. It's like, do you want to be a star or not? You want to be a star? Yeah. And of course for her, she's like, yeah, I want to be a star. And you're too young to realize, well, what's the other alternative? You go back to singing karaoke. Taxi dancing for 50 cents. I don't want it. What is taxi dancing? It's like old timey. Like you go to dance with a girl, pay 50 cents or a nickel to go dance with a girl. Feeling up on my breast. Yeah. Old timey. Madonna talks about it in the League of Their Own.

- Oh yeah. - Remember? - But Mr. Chocolate Bar, he's not shutting me down. - I love that movie. - "Dottie, I married a plastic surgeon." - Yeah, it's great.

- Gina Davis. - Yeah, very unathletic and struggled immensely at appearing like she was- - Really? - Yes. - She sells it. - She did it, but it was gangly, uncoordinated and very unathletic. Yeah, it was like a struggle to get her to look like she could be- - She sells it. She does a split and catches a baseball. - Well, I think that's probably a stunt, but yeah, but I mean, even to throw, she was like, yeah, apparently. - And same as Rosie.

Rosie? Rosie O'Donnell. Same thing? Not athletic at all. Madonna? I made all that up. I'm assuming Rosie was a little more athletic than Geena Davis. Because she's a diesel? No, that's not what I meant. Oh, okay. I thought... Because she's the Dyke March leading bull dagger Harley riding carpet munching... When I worked with her, I took my whole body not to say I love... Yeah, I did that comedy special with her. It took my whole body not to be like...

yeah luckily the icebreaker was her her girlfriend like Strixie and Katya so it's like oh my god she also told a story in Howard Stern um she's like Martha Stewart kind of I think snubbed her or something and when she had a she uh asked her about like what do you miss the most when she was in the clink she said the the scent of fresh lemon

Love that. Love that. So she got her a fucking imported a lemon tree from Italy and sent it to Martha and I think she never talked to her again. Trees cost a lot. Lemon trees from fucking this Capri or whatever. Yeah. I was at a friend's house. Well, a friend's restaurant. I won't say who.

And I said, I was like, these trees are amazing. That restaurant pump, which is closed now, has these olive trees. And I don't want to say how much they were, but I couldn't believe how much fully mature trees cost to be like flown in and planted. My mind was like horses, trees that grow from the earth, from sun and water. They're like horses. Farming is a scam. Absolutely. Big farm. Big farm. Yeah.

Farming is cool though. If I could be one of those people who like lives off the land. Oh, come over. I'll just cook up some vegetables. And then while we're here, I grab my basket and I walk into the backyard and I pick a grape or whatever. A grape? I don't know. Vegetables. Like a tomato. Yeah. Like an old squash. And then I brought in here and cooked it. You could do that so easily.

vegetable garden dum-de-dum-de-dum-de-dum-de-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-d

Because you know they're going to play you off. So you should plan something short. It's yeah. It's like when I can, I know I can identify it so easily when the star is feeling it and they're rambling because they're in their moment and they know who they are and they know their impact and they know they're like, they're the one. But it's like,

a little humility and a little consideration and a little preparation will make you even more of a star. I think it's such a cunty mic drop if you walked up and said a few names and thank you and left. Yeah. Or be like, Bob, you know, like, thank you so much. What an incredible honor. My fellow nominees, so talented. Judith Leitner at MCA, you fucking suck, bitch. And then you get out.

You know, and then that's it. Or imagine if you won Best Actress and you went up there with your burn book. Here's all the people who didn't help me. Here's my first agent who told me I wasn't pretty. This is the guy who tried to get me breast implants twice. This is the guy who G'd me out at a party. Here's my manager who literally called me the wrong name yesterday. The following 15 people are guilty of tax fraud. Did you go to the MS yesterday?

You didn't? I didn't either. I felt bad. Did you feel bad I never got an invite? Oh. Because I was looking at trying to find the address in my text and email. I never found the address. So I figured I didn't get any invite. That was my excuse. I just figured I better lay low. You better lay low. Also, I don't like I wasn't in a party mood because those places like it's very schmoozy. And I'm like, ah, no. Is that how you schmooze?

I don't go to anything like that unless I'm in the mood for that because I can't count on myself to fake it. That's to be honest. Yeah. If I'm at an event, that's the best is when I'm at the, I was at the Trixie motel and someone was like, you must hate people coming up to you. And I was like, do you think I came here because I wasn't prepared for people to want to talk to me today? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Totally. And also don't tell me how I feel about meeting you. I don't like that at all. Thank you. Also, you probably hate this.

Don't, yeah, don't do that. - Also, even if I do, I wouldn't turn it down. I wouldn't turn you down right now. Of course you get a picture. - Also, but I think I've mentioned this before 'cause I finally figured out how much of a pet peeve it is. When people say like, if I'm looking haggard, either like for whatever reason, you know, at the airport, after the gym, not, you know what I mean? In public and don't wanna be quickly, people say, "Oh my God, can I get a picture?" I was like, "I look like shit right now. I'm really sorry." No, like, "Oh, I don't care."

I care that you, yeah, I care a lot. I care a lot. I see this Bob. Yeah. I don't care. I know that you don't care because you want what you want, but there's two people in this situation. Right. And there's, there's 50, it's 50, 50, 50. Yeah. Does that make sense or no? Should I just be grateful to take the fucking picture? I think you have to take it no matter what.

Well, I fought with a guy in West Hollywood who was drunk one night for like 45 minutes. No, drunk people. If they're drunk, they get what they get. I'm sorry. If you're drunk. Well, I made the mistake of going out lobster red. I mean, sun burnt to like maroon. That's the other thing I think I'm just going to say. That's my fault. You're gay famous. We live in a gay area.

If you go out somewhere where there's going to be gay people, just you have to mentally beforehand go, I'm probably going to take some pictures today. So just be ready for that. I know. I should have put a lash on and put some. I always put a little makeup on if we're going somewhere because I usually don't care that much. But sometimes I'm like, I don't. I feel like it's my right as a person to refuse that. And if they want to call me a bitch or whatever, that's OK. As long as you're OK with that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course I'm OK with that. But also, I don't think anyone's ever going to call you a bitch for saying no to a picture. They would call me a bitch for that.

People love you. They would never be mad at you for that. I don't know. Maybe when I punch them in the balls. If I declined a picture at my mom's funeral, I think I would hear about it. Do you know what I mean? Can you say happy birthday to Sarah? Exactly. No. I love that. I am like so obsessed with that. I want to do a lipstick color called happy birthday Sarah. Should we? You should do a whole collection. The happy birthday Sarah collection. Happy birthday to Sarah. And you could do like Sarah plain and tall. Sarah Jessica parkour. Maybe get Sarah Paulson to model. Oh my God.

I'm trying to get good at that. You should get heard. So it's Sarah Paulson's birthday. Nobody says happy birthday to her. SJP walks in, but trips on a banana peel and dies before she gets this. And then Sarah... Huckabee Sanders? I knew you were going to say it. Falls through the ceiling onto the cake. Yes. And then... Like Tandy Amon Dupree. And then Sarah Paulson's like...

Sarah Paulson's like, ah. Yeah, totally. And then Sarah Brightman sings a song. I dream that you're here.

- Yes! - And then Sarah Connor. Not a real person. - No, Sarah Connor from the, yeah. - The character comes in. - Is chased in by all Terminators. - All of them at once. - The girl, the liquid Arnold. - The girl, the liquid guy, Arnold and old Arnold. Both Arnolds. - Robert Patrick, the liquid guy, and the fierce bitch, and the other guy from the Genesis one, and then Rambo for some reason. - Yeah, everyone wearing a wig by Sarah Andrews.

Oh, the Sarah's honey, the Sarah collection, honey. And then Sarah Problem walks in and says, what's the problem? Damn. I think that's a great low budget production. I heard of a good drag name recently, Tamale Ringwald. Did I tell you about that? That's funny. Great, right? Wait, wait, wait. I just need you to know about it in just like that. You've never seen it. Never seen it. And you never will. I've never seen Sex and the City either. That's right. So this show is,

tries my nerves in a way that is so nefarious. - Really? - So malevolent. - In what way? - So vindictive. So sneaky, freaky and deaky. And so like round the way, around the bush, under the table and through the woods. Like it is, they had, there was a snowstorm. - In the show? - In the show. New York, bomba, like a bombo, bombo, bombo clat. I don't know what it's called. - Do you wanna say bomboclast? - Bomb cyclone.

Snowstorm and you know about this pussy Charlotte's daughter is going to show us around here one Yeah, she's her daughter her teenage daughter is going to lose her virginity and doesn't have condoms calls her mom mom I need condoms her Charlotte goes out into the snowstorm to look for condoms Carrie is going to a Leaving the house to go to a book talk in this blizzard wearing a Tom Brown like

A coat that looks like Utica made it. Like a giant, enormous thing. I don't believe that a girl would ask her mom to go buy her condoms. I don't believe anything that ever happens in this show to the point where it's, why do people like it so much? I think it's just because they want to see rich people look, I don't know. At least in New York, I was just talking about this yesterday at the doll brunch thing.

Because Darian's from New York. And she was like, yeah, I never dress up like this. Where she's like, when I lived in New York, you would never catch me outside my house with a heel on ever for any reason. She'd be like, it'd be like in New York. If you see someone in Times Square, you act like I wasn't here and you weren't here. Whereas in LA, people never dress up. It's athleisure. And when they do, it's basic, normal, oversized clothing. Very expensive. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But this is like a show where... But it's about...

It's not about personal style here. Whereas New York, a show about New York, it's at least about people's personal style and stuff. Yeah. It's very, it's very surface. Like you watch it without the, the, um, you watch it without the volume. Who's your favorite character? Well, it's, it's Samantha, but Kim Cattrall, because she was like, you know, did you love her in the original series? Yeah. She was the only funny part, right? She's the only lightness. She was getting fucked all day. She was basically a gay guy.

And the gays love her. Oh, yeah. Because she's the gay guy. Yeah. Anyways, the point is, it's just so insane. It's so unnecessary. But her hairstylist is really doing a great job. My daughter needs condoms. I don't believe that. I don't watch the show, but I don't believe that a teenage girl would ask their mom to go buy them condoms.

I'd rather get plan B the next morning than ask my mom to get me a rubber. Yeah, I'd rather him just fuck me in the ass. Well. She should have said, honey, just have him sticking up your pooper. But then her mom would have to step out for an enema.

That's true. And then the mom has to give you an enema. Then she'll call back, mom, but my ass is all shitty. Well, I guess I'll come do your enema. Right. And then the mom gets involved and it's mother-daughter boyfriend. And then it's three-way. Yeah. And then the dad calls and he gets really upset. Straight girls are watching two types of porn.

teenagers and MILFs. That's all they want. That's all they want. They want teeny weenies and granny fannies. Don't you want a woman who knows her way around? They want that. Or they're like, I'm just like one of the girls you went to high school with. Just some more experience. They want that. Or they want like, what's a cunt? Is that a cock? What's happening? Can you drive me to preschool? Literally. You want to throw your hog down this gray cavern? Totally. And

400 years old, baby. And I can't even make fun of it because the porn I watched, the guys look like fucking Al Borland. So like, whatever. Who's Al Borland? That guy from Home Improvement. Bearded. Al Borland. Hey. Hey, Tim Allen, the Santa Claus. Oh, are you kidding me? Fuck this shit up. Thank you. Thank you. Fuck this shit up. Um, last thing. Last thing. I saw the guy pissing. I don't have a hemorrhoid. I had, um. You thought you had a hemorrhoid? No, I just said, I don't know why I said that. And, um, and, um.

I'm going back to the proctologist today. There is not a such thing as a proctologist. I feel like that's a movie thing. Come with me. That's my gynecologist. We didn't even talk about that. Oh, we did. The gynecologist? At the Barbie movie. Oh yeah, we did. Yeah. I wish you would have gone to the proctologist because then it would have been more inclusive. Right. Like I'm human. Does that mean at some point Barbie has her first shit? Yeah. Yeah.

That must be a chilling thing. Well, they should have incorporated that into the movie. Like some fart, like, oh, like no flat feet. It's like, what did you just do? Well, I blew ass. Barbie just blew ass. And she blows shit all over Ken's like sexless crotch. You know, I would have never allowed that. By the way, everybody's like, why weren't you in the movie? Why weren't you in the movie? My character was in the movie. They died of lupus before the opening credits. Thank you.

Bye.