#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
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Welcome back to the ba- Welcome back to the basement yard, Frank! Son, shut up! Sunglasses Joe is back! Yes, clearly, and you've got energy, you've got power, you've got power, I've got energy, I've got-

You got energy. You got spunk. You got something. More energy. There goes one. More energy. What's that? What's that? Yeah. It's some TikTok shit. I don't know. What was that song? You got style. You, you got funk. You, you got something. All the girls want. I think we listen to different music. You got a, oh, fucking Nicki Minaj. Your love, your love, babe. Your love, your love. She's so spunk in that song? Maybe. I mean, technically, technically.

By definition, you do have spunk. What is spunk? Oh, is that sperm? I think that's what the... Well, no. Spunk is like a mojo or something. I know. That's what we think. But also, like, over there, they're calling things something different. Oh, in Britain, they're like, spunk is like... In Britain, they're just like, yeah, yeah, yeah. You didn't need to do that. I was just making sure everyone was on the same page. That's wanking. Wanking. You know? Yeah. But, yeah, technically...

You've got style, you've got spunk. Thank you. You've got something everyone wants apparently. Oh. Which is 40 billion dollars in the bank. Right, I wish. No, no, no, Joey didn't wish. I wouldn't want that much money. I wouldn't want that much money because then, because then, you're aimless. There's nothing you're gonna be able to do. All the people around you immediately view you as just a piggy bank. We got it, Joe.

I hope that you have it. And then you'll see. You know what? For both of us, I also hope I have $40 billion. And if I get $40 billion, you'll get some money too. How about that? I'd love that. He's going to dangle it. He'll be like, and eat this roach. I don't need to do that. Anytime we talk with him, he's just like, oh, you think you can eat 40,000 Smarties? I'm like, man, what's wrong with you?

He's got all these questions. Do you think you can drink four gallons of mayonnaise water? And it's like, why do you need to... You guys love doing shit that's just gonna make you throw up. I'm sorry. You know what I love? Doing live shows and we're going back on the road! We're going back on the road, baby! I didn't know where you were going with that. I was a little scared. Well, I didn't want to bury it too far into the episode. We gotta talk about this shit. Uh-oh.

We're doing shows. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're doing shows. I'm sorry. I'll be honest with you. You surprised me with that. Kind of caught me off guard. I'm a little flustered. My spunk has left my body. Well, you better go and get it. Go grab it and put it back in your pee hole. What's up, ladies and gentlemen? Today we're talking about the dates. Immediately demonetized.

Shove your spunk back in your hole. See, did you need to do that, Joey? Just put it in a... This is what Glasses Joe does. He comes out hot. Yo, you know what's crazy? Yes. I don't know what it is about sunglasses. Do you have that? I don't think so. I think I'm just a normal person that wears sunglasses when I wear them. You don't have something that, like, once you started wearing a pinky ring, did you start walking a little more? I did start using my hands differently. You know what I mean? You know, like, I found myself just naturally just doing this more.

You know, like you want to be like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just like, you know, and just like scratch. I found myself scratching my face differently. That's a weird thing. But like normally I'd be like, but now I'm like, oh, okay. So that looks very similar. I don't know if it's the sunglasses. Like I will scratch. I'll be like using your pinky. Yeah. Like I just use my pinky more. Yeah. Definitely eat sandwiches differently. We've talked about this quite a ton. Yeah. You're like, yeah, you, I eat sandwiches like a, like two dogs, like two, like two shadow puppy dogs. Yeah. And I'm just like,

Enough about your sandwiches. Guys, we're going back on the road. Tickets. Tickets. By the way, the tickets...

Pre-sale starts tomorrow. Whoa. If you're watching this. Not if you're watching on Patreon. Oh, okay. Okay. Oh, God. May 13th. I mean, you know I can't read all the way over there. That's right. Not with these glasses on. Not with those glasses. They're polarized, whatever that means. Oh, there's Polaroids in them? They're taking pictures. They're taking pictures, too. Okay, no. There's Polaroids on glass. That means they react differently to sunlight. I understand that. They must. Because my employer got us vision insurance, and I'm very appreciative of that.

Boom! But... You heard fucking giggles, yeah. He's no longer giggles. Now he's big deep laugh boy. Okay. Okay, okay. We need to stop being mean to Ant, Joey. Yeah. Yo, the comments...

They were so on your side. It's crazy. I don't know why they think that... I made a comment in passing. We're like abusive people. No, no, no. Not that. I was saying I did see one or two comments that were like, I don't really like the addition of Ant. And I said it in passing on an episode or you said it or something. And then everyone came to your defense like, I love Ant. And I was like, all right. Love is crazy. I love them too. It sounds like it's a plant. You know, Ant just decided to go on his FoodTube account and like...

You know how they say Finsta is fake Instagram? Oh my god. Well, you're fired, I think, after that. Foodtube? Foodtube? Foodtube? His Foodtube account or his Finsta or his Fitter or his Fex, whatever. Oh. X. Yeah. Because it's no longer Twitter. Oh.

Well, I appreciate it. Well, Jesus. Did you hear the rumor? I know that you got to get to that. We're not. That apparently he named it that because he wanted his jump to be the logo. You know how he jumped? You know how Elon Musk jumps like a fucking... Like a Teletubby? Like a knick-knack? Yeah. Remember those toys from the early 2000s? I actually don't, but I feel like you're right. Yeah, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. He did that so his body jumping could look like...

Dude, I don't know. Dude, did I ever tell you? I don't know. People are with bated breath watching this. So do you remember how like I'll think of something or I'll have a dream in the middle of the night and then I'll write it down in my notes app? Yep. I wrote down this thing and I don't know what time I wrote it, but it was like a middle of the night type of thing. Yep. And I wrote newborn babies look like if you successfully shoved Elon Musk into a water bottle. Come on, Joey. What?

Come on, dude. You can't spring that on me and then expect to move off of that. That's what I said. I will be honest with you, right? So I went a lot of my life seeing newborn babies and being like, let's give it a second before we – with the cute comments, you know, because, like, they just got out here. Let's give them a second to adapt. Yeah, let them adjust. They're a little purple. They're a little smushed, misshapen type of things. Give it to – Oh, I get it. You know what I mean? I completely get it. But, like –

Greg's newborn and our friend Eleni, both beautiful newborns. I texted Greg that exact thing. I was like, this is a good looking baby. Yeah. That's what exactly what I said. I didn't get those pictures. That's not fair. I didn't get those. I just want to look around.

Wait, hold on, time out. You don't get to have that reaction because you're going, oh, I know what you mean. Oh, I know. Yeah, how about you? My fucking newborn daughters were... But that's what I'm saying. You're saying, oh, I know when I'm talking about newborns not looking good. No, most newborns look like aliens. I agree. Greg's newborn. I haven't seen Eleni's. I fucking... What about my daughters, bitch? They're beautiful children. Go back. To what? When they were newborns. I actually don't remember.

If I show you right now, will you give them your beautiful fucking... Because I'm pissed now. Now you got me worked up. Give me the glasses, bitch. Wait, what? Were they beautiful newborns? I don't remember. I don't know what they looked like. I can tell you this. I can tell you that my own nieces and nephews, I've seen some pictures, and I was like, whew.

You know I'm pulling pictures out because I'm furious now. Now you got me. Now you got me. I can't give a compliment without you needing compliments? What is this? When you're specifically complimenting other people's newborns, I would hope that you feel similar, if not the same, about my newborn daughters. Look at that. That's Maeve. Let me see that. Where you are. I can't see. Yes, you can. Take your fucking glasses off.

That's a beautiful baby. Thank you so much. One more, bitch. Now we're doing this. I'm itchy. I don't know why my back is itchy. I'm going to do this. Now, now. It's going to be a while. Yeah, it's going to. It's not going to be a while. I don't post enough that I can be like, oh, no, where is everything? Really? Because it looks like you're swiping the hell out of the thing over there. Ruby. Ruby.

I like Maeve better, but that's a beautiful baby. This is crazy. This is crazy. They were both equally beautiful. Yeah, but you have to say that. I'm infuriated right now. No, I don't. That's the thing that's secret is that they don't tell you is that you feel this chemical thing that like no matter what your kids look like, they're beautiful. I believe that. Yeah. I'm on the edge. Why? Of fucking pure rage right now. For what? What are you talking about? I don't know, but I'm there.

I don't know what I'm about to be enraged about. First of all, I was making a joke that newborn babies look weird. You agree. I agree. I agree. But not mine. Okay. You can have that opinion. That's fine. You just said it. If you don't have that same opinion, I'm going to throw something. Where are you throwing it? At you. What are you throwing? Wait, if I would, I got to think you're. Tell me my newborn daughters were just as beautiful. They're beautiful babies. Yes. You heard the baby's part, right? You saw the asterisk that he put on it. Are they not babies when they're born?

We're going to move on. No one said your baby's wrong. I'm starting to get worked up. I can't even make jokes now. It's crazy. No, no, no. No, yes. You get it. Yeah. I'm echoing what you're saying now.

You have beautiful daughters and a son who's also beautiful. Can I say that? I can't. I'm handsome. Sure. Yeah. Now I just feel like a grandma with a handsome. Anyway, can we get to the reason why we're here? I feel like we've blue balled you guys enough, but we. Oh, there we go. Okay. I thought I deleted everything. Listen, we're going back on the road. Tickets are on sale.

Pre-sale tomorrow with the code basement at thebasemeyore.com as always. Okay, so May 13th pre-sale will start, I believe, at 10 a.m. But didn't ask that question. Let me type that to Greg real quick. 10 a.m.? Pre-sale starts? Question mark? We're going to get to the end of that. Also, is that 10 a.m. our time or 10 a.m. local time? That's a great question, too. I have no fucking idea. We need to figure that out. So let's go over some dates here, okay? We're opening up this tour tomorrow.

St. Louis. Okay. June 28th. We will be in St. Louis, Missouri. Never been there. You been there? Chances are if you have not been, I have not been. You been to Missouri? Nope. First time for everybody. Never been there. I don't even think Greg's been there. Greg the old, I've been there. By the way. Oh, yeah. Greg been there. Ain't that been there? Seen that?

By the way, while we were in Europe, there was a legitimate series of conversations between you, Zach, and Greg, like, in competition with each other about, like, who's been to the more places. Oh, I've been to the least out of them. I know, but, like, it was, like, so interesting to sit there and, like, listen to that because anything you said, Zach was like, yeah, I've been there. Zach's been to, like, 20 countries. Wow. They dragged me into that at dinner. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, yeah, because you were like, oh, no, 12, and then you counted, and it was, like, six. Yeah.

Okay. Well, he's gone to Aruba 55 times, so... This guy was counting everything at Epcot. Yeah. I'm like, I'm...

I was like, I went to Morocco and Florida. Yeah, so I had a drink over in Mexico, and then we went over to Finland. Is that there? Yeah. Okay, so St. Louis, June 28th. We'll be in St. Louis. Kansas City, we had a date lined up, and then I think the venue exploded, something like that. The HVAC doesn't work. God knows what, but we're trying to figure out a date then. Most likely, it will be June 27th.

But by the time you see this, the website will be updated. So even right now, as you're listening to this, you can go to TheBasementYard.com. You will see the dates there. But Kansas City, we will be there. San Diego, okay, July 10th and 11th, we will be in San Diego. That's in California. Yeah? Yeah.

Correct. And then on the 12th, we will be in San Francisco. Francisco. It's a fun word to say. It is a fun word to say. Then we will be in Atlantic City in New Jersey, Frank's backyard, legitimately. Yeah. Well, I live a little while away from there. Frank's backyard is Atlantic City. And that will be on July 28th. Then we're going to Minneapolis. Never been there. Been there? No been there? Been there? I connected. About to go.

Oh, yeah, that's right. You're about to go. I connected. I had a flight connection there. Keep her warm for us because we're going to be there on July 24th and then Milwaukee on July 25th. Mmm.

Okay. The reason you wanted to go there is because they call it the Cream City, and Joey's so into that. Love the Cream City. Not only that, but then on July 26th, we are going to get some hot dogs in Chicago. Coming back to Chicago. Then we're going back to Toronto. Okay. August 6th.

August 6th, we'll be back in Toronto. Detroit. Detroit what? We're going back to Detroit. August 9th. You got to be real careful. August 9th. Okay, we're going back to Detroit. Then we're going to Phoenix. August 28th. Guess how hot it'll be. Phoenix.

That's not a degree. That's how you spell it. It does. That's how I remember it. It's going to be 115 horse degrees out there. Horse degrees? What's a horse degree? I don't even know. Is it like, you know, plus seven or whatever they do for like dog years? Why do they measure horses in hands? So dumb. Use a ruler. Really? And they're like, it's five hands. Whose hands? Who is this? But yeah, we're going to be in Phoenix August 28th. Labor Day weekend.

We're going to be in Vegas. Vegas. Okay? We're going to be there. Unsure of the date, but it'll be, you know, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, somewhere around there. Still figuring that out. But Labor Day weekend, we'll be in Vegas. Then Columbus, Ohio. Ohio. We are going to be there September 18th.

Pittsburgh, September 20th. We have a round three for Pittsburgh. Round three for Pittsburgh. Hopefully we can go to a game. I don't know if they're there or not. Regardless of what's going on. Pittsburgh, first time I went, amazing. Second time, not so hot. This is going to be the tiebreaker. This is the rubber game. The rubber match. September 27th, Philadelphia. We're coming back. We're coming back to Philly. Then South Florida.

October 16th. We'll be there. Okay. We're going to go to the hard rock.

Then, uh, Orlando, October 17th, Tampa, October 19th. Then we're going back to DC, October 23rd. We're going to Boston on November 6th. And then we're ending the tour once again in New York city on November 13th. Okay. So we got a bunch of shows now, uh, for the rest of the year. And, uh,

It's crazy because this is the year 2025, so 25, and 11 plus 13 is 24, and we are one show. So if you think about that, the numbers line up perfectly.

I'm going to get a nosebleed trying to figure that out. 12 p.m. Eastern for all venues. Okay, pre-sale and general on sale. Like I said, pre-sale May 13th with the code basement at TheBasementYard.com. General sale, which means you don't need a code. TheBasementYard.com on May 16th, okay? And, and, listen. And? For the people whose first response is, oh my God, no Delaware show? Listen, guys.

There's more that goes behind the scenes than you'd think. So let's have a party. Let's have a fun time. Also, I mean, things get added along the way. Things get added along the way. We don't know what's going to happen. We have no idea. So whatever. But these are the shows that we have right here. I'll be honest with you. I don't know about things being added.

There's not much time. Joey's like, things are out. And I'm just like, I'm looking at it. I'm like, there's not any day. Well, it's the polar bears. It's the polar bearization. That's what it is. That's what it's got to be. That's what it is. It's the polar bears of these cities. Yeah. Any that you're really excited about. I've heard a lot about barbecue in St. Louis and in Kansas City. Yeah. What do they call that? One of those is called something. Missouri. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't know. But, like, there's some bar... I hear they... I've heard they've had good food over there. And... I'm excited. Get a rib? Fuck, don't fucking... Get a rib. You know how I feel about ribs. Yeah, you do. You know how I feel about ribs. You like to get them all over your hands and face while you're eating. Oh, God. One of the best, like...

What are we eating? And then the execution is just stellar. Remember how we just talked about how we want to be filthy? Ribs is when you're disgusting. Oh, a good... And, like, listen, I understand a dry rub. I get it. If you present a dry rub option to me, I'm presenting an AK-47 to your skull. I want this thing to be the stickiest thing.

Drippiest, filthy, fucking soaking wet. Yeah! I spit everywhere! I wanna cut it open and then I wanna squeeze it and have it piss on me. Dude, when people cut brisket or burgers and then they do that thing where they flip it on top of each other and they go like this and then that thing is just fucking urinating all over my fucking aluminum foil. Full diaper.

Oh, my God. I want a diaper and brisket, baby. That's what I'm talking about. Yeah. Overnight diaper so they have extra moisture absorption. Okay. You know what I'm saying? Into the specifics. He's a dad. Pull-ups, too. So it does the work for you. With the blowout cover. With the blowout cover. You need that blowup protection barrier, okay? Yeah. I want – Listen. Oh, hear me out. You just sucked in all the air. What if we have a barbecue joint –

We open a restaurant, it's a barbecue joint, but it's all themed after like diapers. So like, it'll be like a curry brisket or curry flavored ribs and it's in a diaper. You want to serve... Hold on, hold on. And then like you get nachos and it's in a diaper. Yeah. Or like a kid's toilet. Wait. Oh, you want to serve nachos in a potty?

For some reason, the idea up here was stellar. One of the best. As it came out of your mouth. As it made its way through my neurological pathways. I don't think that it went that far. I think coming this way, it didn't hit as well as I thought it was going to. I also think that. But like...

I'm just talking about just like a filthy, you know, like the messier you get, the less on your bill. You know what I'm saying? I kind of like that. Like if you walk out of there just like a filthy, disgusting bitch. Yeah. You pay less. Like the cleaner you are, they give you a surcharge. I saw something on the internet the other day. Hold on. Before I get into that, just to reiterate, we're going to do this multiple times. There's May 13th, which is tomorrow if you're watching this on YouTube. Presale starts today.

At noon. I almost called it midnight. At noon. 12 p.m. Eastern. Eastern. For everything. Set your phone to New York time, baby. Wherever you shall be upon this rock that we call Earth.

Thebasemanyard.com. The pre-sale code is BASEMENT. Be ready. This is a brand new show. Okay, it's not the same show that you saw once before. It's a brand new show. It is going to be so much fun. We are very excited. And just to go over the cities again, St. Louis, Kansas City, San Diego, San Francisco, Atlantic City, Minneapolis, Milwaukee, Chicago, Toronto, Detroit, Phoenix,

Vegas, Columbus, Pittsburgh, Philly, South Florida, Orlando, Tampa, D.C., Boston, and of course, New York. And if you for some reason forget that the pre-sale code is basement, just remember that it's where Joey first saw pictures of wieners. That's a pretty easy way to remember that. Why are you saying that? Just if people need help. If people for some reason are like, what is the code?

And then they just remember that the first time that you saw a picture of a wiener, whether it had been flaccid, fully erect, whatever, it was in your basement. Why do you say, why, but why, what? Just in case they need help remembering. But I don't know if that's true. That they won't remember? I think there are chances. No, that was the first time that I saw a wiener. So where was it, in your bathroom? I have a brother. I saw his wiener.

Insane response. Was it in the basement, though? Probably not. Probably peeing. Probably peeing in the bathroom. We took baths together. Okay, listen, Joey. Chances are the first time you saw a penis was in your basement. You don't get to say that. I think it's a room in your house. I think it's fair that the people, if they for some reason forget, they have that to fall back on. You guys could fall back on the name of the show. The name is The Basement. Sure. And also all the codes are based.

That can help too. That can help too. You making up a scenario about me seeing... I'm not making anything up. I'm suggesting some form of a student, like some way for the people to have a better understanding and help them remember. Making up is what... I'm not making it up. I'm suggesting. Making up. But yeah, May 13th, pre-sale, basement. I was going to say something and now I forgot. I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have. But we have to sell tickets. I think... Do we go to that like...

Do we go to a barbecue restaurant where it's just like they just have like a fucking dragon ribs or something? What the hell are you talking about? Like I'm talking like a table of ribs. I want to go to a restaurant that my favorite restaurants don't have tablecloths on them. And you know what the fuck I mean. You know what I mean. And like they don't serve your food on plates. They put it on paper or they just give you a metal tray.

Okay. You know? I mean, I've only been to a couple places. Like, usually barbecue does that. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Yeah. So I think it's—I probably should have just said barbecue might be my favorite restaurant. You know what I want to do? I want to go to one of those restaurants where they call you a bitch. No, dude. You know? Like, you show up and they're like, what? Dick's Last Resort? What's that? I think that's what the place—the one that would, like, put a hat on you and it says, like—

Fucking loves to fucking eat marbles or some shit. That being the example that you had is so funny. Have you ever been to one? No, I walked by one a ton when we used to go to Vegas when we were younger. Yeah. And I like, it's like Hooters. It's like the gimmick is just like, oh boy, what are they going to say? Didn't you accidentally go to one of these places when we were in Ireland?

Oh, no. The guy was like, you ordered tea. And the guy's like, that's gay. Yes. But he did it two days in a row. But no, the second day I went, he wasn't there. And I said, what happened to him? And they said, like, they're filming a movie across the street. And they told him to leave. They were filming. I thought he called you gay two days in a row. No, the first day. The second day, someone else there called me gay.

This is why I'm saying it might be a schnick. No, no, no. It wasn't like – maybe it was the gimmick, but like it was a little hole-in-the-wall spot in Dublin that was like – Did you say there was like dicks all over the wall or something? There was dicks everywhere, brother. See, this must be one of those places. But no, it wasn't a chain. It was just like I looked up like local – I like Googled like best English – not English, best Irish breakfast in Dublin. And it was like one of the first places that popped up.

So I like looked at it and I was like, oh shit, this is right near where we were staying. So I was like, I'll just walk there. And it was covered in penis. No. So outside I walk up and it's just an old grumpy Irish man. Nice. And I'm not going to do the impression because I haven't gotten my Irish impression down yet. Yeah. But like, he's just like, are you American? I'm like, yeah. He goes, oh fuck, fuck you.

Did he really? Yeah! And I'm like, he's like, "Alright, how many?" And I was like, "Oh, just me." He's like, "You're dining alone? And you're an American? You're a piece of shit." Like, he was going off, dude! Bro, going off on me. I'm surprised you, out of all people, sat down there. I feel like you'd be like, "Bro, I was by myself, and I was hungry, and I was in a good mood." Okay. So I sat down at the bar by myself, and he's like, "Alright, what can I get you? An Irish coffee?"

And bro, they had a giant thing on the wall, like a magnum, triple quadruple magnum bottle of Jameson with like a spout underneath it. And he's like, you want an Irish coffee? I was like, no, I'll take a tea. And he goes, you want a tea? I'm like, yeah. And he goes, that's so fucking gay. I'm just like, what? It's tea. Was everything else normal?

The food was normal. The atmosphere was normal besides the penises abundance of cocks everywhere. What is with that? Yo, I don't know. And were they actual or they, they just looked like penis. No, they were like meant to look like penises. Got it. And I was just like,

This, I don't know if it was like a restaurant gimmick or if it was just this old man at the door. Right. And he was just, he'd go from table to table. Was he calling other people gay? Yeah, hell yeah. Everyone in there was gay. What? Yeah, dude. No wonder they kicked this guy out. So they legit, I'm not kidding. They said they were filming a movie across the street and they had to, they told him like, you need to not be here today for the filming of this movie. Wow. I don't know if that meant he was like a fucking problem. Yeah.

Chances are he was. Sounds like it. But yeah, dude. And like the food was great. It was good. The potential. But it was also like, you know, like that level of like that age of men where they're like, they call everything gay, but then they act super gay with their buddies. Okay. You know what I'm talking about? Like they were the ones that were like in the showers at football practice and they were like grabbing each other's balls and stuff like that. You've never heard that?

Like he was doing that where he was saying like joking around. Yeah, he was like, oh, we're buddies. We're all gay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's just like, well, I'll fucking kiss you right now. Yeah, yeah. You know, like something like that. But he said you were gay and he said it like that. I was very confused because like a part of me was just like. Did you look at your receipt? Was there like a slur charge or anything like that? I just realized how good of a joke that was because it sounds like surcharge. Yeah, that was incredible. Wow. Yeah. In retrospect. Yeah, just say that. Edit that. Make it seem like I. Back pocket. Back pocket.

Hey, Josh. Oh, you're not even going to say anything. He gets it. He's watching. But yeah, dude. That's crazy. But I've never been to one of those where they verbally berate you. I think that would be funny, but I'd probably get my feelings hurt. Here's the thing. And you know me. I would be...

good at that. So like I probably shouldn't go to one of those places because it would just be a verbal spat. I would be nervous about going to a place like that with you because I feel like for the most part it would be fine. But I think in a certain mood or a certain thing that someone said and once Frank starts going like okay all right then I'm going to be like we got to leave now because this is going to turn to Frank being like all right I've had enough.

Of this thing. I'm like, okay, okay. I'm like, oh, fuck. If hindsight, moving back in time, if I could have picked my first ever job and I knew that place existed, I should have taken that job. What was your... Oh, construction. Your first job. No, no, no. I was a groundskeeper at Elm Jack. That's right. You did tell me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then a couple years later, I worked at a medical, like a sports therapy place, just filing paperwork.

Basically. I would show up. We'd be out the night before until like 4 a.m. and I'd show up in scrubs. Would you wear a... Scrubs, yeah. I would love a pair of scrubs. I think that scrubs are so cool. Such an underrated part of that world. When dudes are walking around the city that are like nurses or doctors or whatever and they have scrubs on, I'm like... No, no, no, no, no. This is... No. This is cool. I don't like that. What? I don't like that. I think that's awesome. You should...

Let me tell them how to do their thing. Yeah, go ahead. Scrubs should be, because in my mind, the reason they're doing that is, one, it appears like it's a medical thing. You know what I mean? Like, it's only used in that field. So, like, the idea to me is that it should appear to be, like, it's sterile. And, like, they're only wearing it within the confines of where they are. Bro, it's like seeing your teacher during the day. If I'm out...

And I see someone in scrubs. I am immediately take, it's like seeing like Mickey mouse, take his fucking helmet off. You know what? I'm just like, you're a teacher at the movies and you're like, you're not allowed to watch. Yes. What the hell? Yeah, dude. Yeah. I don't like it.

All right. I mean, I get what you're saying because maybe you're like, dude, the scrubs that you're wearing and the surgery, you're walking through Central Park with those on? I imagine that they can't do that. Yeah. I imagine that they have to wear special gear. Maybe it's just after work. It's like, oh, I'm off my shift. I'm going to walk to the bar, get a beer with some scrubs on. I'll tell you this. Single guy with scrubs in the city? Forget about it. Probably. Forget about it. I'll tell you this. The rolling out of bed and throwing scrubs on and going to work is –

Don't even have to think about the outfit. Not even think about the outfit, but like it's comfortable. Yeah. I mean, you should wear like an undershirt under the top because the top just looks like it's like a small hockey jersey, you know? Right. But you know what I like wearing? You know when you got to get an x-ray and you got to wear the big jacket? Do you like weighted blankets?

Yeah, but I don't like owning it because, like, I can't fold it. You can't fold a weighted blanket? Bro, I mean, unless you have the strength of ten men.

What do you mean? It's the same amount of weight. It's just... As a blanket? Wrong. No, no, no. It's not like folding it makes it a heavier blanket. No, it's just like annoying. It's hard to fold things. Really? I've never had a weighted blanket, so I can't confirm. I had one, and laying with it is great. It helps you sleep and not move and shit. But then when I'm up and I wake up, it's like... Here's the thing.

I am going, if I'm going to get a weighted blanket, I'm getting the heaviest weighted blanket I could find. I'm not doing like a 10 pound for like a little bit of a hug. I want like a 75 pound weighted blanket because I, like if I'm going to feel, bro, I'm a bigger dude. You know what I'm saying? Like I'm massive. I'm so big. You don't need that much to like get the job done. But it's also, they also, what job? The job of holding you down in bed.

I don't know if I want to be held down. Well, that's what the blanket's doing. No, it's meant to just feel like someone is holding you. Not holding you down, dude. Not holding you down. I don't want to be like fucking... Bro, you get a 75 thing that you're fucking... You're down. Well, it's also... They say that you need to be very careful with kids in the house having weighted blankets because like... Yeah. That could be...

Bro. A nightmare. Also, like, if you pick this thing up and you drop it on a child, dead ker-splat. Well, bro, if you drop anything 75 pounds on anyone. Well, they're not 75 pounds. I think the one I had was like 10. Well, no, I've seen. They have ones that go up to like 50, 60, 70. Who are those for? Giants? I'm telling you, you can look that up. But they're expensive, too. They're like a couple hundred bucks. 60 pounds is insane. Why? Not necessary. And also, like, where do you put that?

How do you make your bed? It's 60 pounds. You know what's funny is a couple years ago, I got Becca a quadruple X, like...

The biggest blanket that you can imagine from this company. Because back, you know, when we do like, when we like lay around and watch stuff, we like being cozy cuddly. You understand. Oh, yeah. You know, you're a big cozy cuddly guy. And it was like a 10 foot by 10 foot blanket or like 12 feet by 12 feet. Oh, so you're all fucking tucked in a cocoon. Bro, dude, you can literally fit all of us under it. And then some.

Like I can't start eating. The only thing I didn't realize though is that folding it is the most difficult thing in the world. I hate it. You know?

But just to get all wrapped up like a flower in a bouquet. That's what I'm talking about. Just circle around. That's what I'm talking about. I hate throw blankets that are just short enough that when I put it on my body, I either have to decide between it being here and my toes being out or my toes being out and my nipples being out. No. I hate that. Yeah. I need my nipples covered. You know what we need? Here we go. Big business, guys. Back. Are you about to create a blanket?

No, I'm going to do what the rest of the world is seemingly doing. I'm going to take the exact same product and I'm going to put splashy words in front of it and market it only to men.

So men think like, what the hell? Not this fucking Target blanket. Okay. You know how they'll be like, here's a bar of soap, but we're going to call it thick soap. Yes. Smoky gun. Yes. Smoking gun soap. Well, it'll be the exact same product, but we're going to put flashy marketing toward men words in front of it. Or just a blanket. Yeah. It'll be like five o'clock shadow throw blanket. Okay.

I think men think throw blankets, blankets. Throw blankets are like gay. Which is why there's such a demand for men's throw blankets. Yeah, dude. And it could be like this throw blanket is made with like oxtail fur. Yeah. And like it's scented with cigarettes and titties. Yeah. Yeah. You know what I'm talking about? Cigarettes.

It's just, it's a market that has not yet been cornered. And we need to get to it before The Rock does. Okay? Because this guy, he took skin care and just put his face on it. And now it's a multi-million dollar industry for him. You know? That's the tough part, yeah. So... I love a good throw blanket, man. I love a blanket. You know what I like?

Actually, I don't even know if I like them, but I like a part of them. You know the blankets that are knitted by old women? Quilts? No, those are different. Like a knitted blanket. I know. Like a crocheted blanket. A crocheted blanket, yeah. Sometimes I like having that, and then I put my toes through the holes. I know. I knew it. I knew you were going to do that. You put your toes through the holes, and you're like, oh, I'm wearing this as a shoe. I knew you would. You flare your feet out. And then I wear the blanket like a sandal. It feels good.

I don't like that they have such a draft, but I do wear it. What's that thing where, like, it's like... I like... There's a phobia. That's... There's a phobia that, like, people are afraid of, like, when there's too many little circles next to each other or dots next to each other. Oh, yeah, it's like trip to... You have the opposite of that, where it makes you want to suck it and fuck it. No, no, no. Because...

This- Anytime you have honeycombs, you suck 'em. Yeah! Anytime you had those, like, diner mints, you would let them get porous, suck 'em. Uh-huh. You- You see holes in a blanket, you shove everything you got in 'em. Not everything. Be very honest with me. Okay, no, I've never put my penis in one of the holes. Okay, alright, that was my question.

How do you know? Giggle. Giggle. He goes, yeah, right. He has. I've seen it. He's banging the blanket. You ever bang a blanket? I've tried. JD Vance might have. What is I've tried? Wait. What is I've tried? What is I've tried? What is that? Or more failed?

Well, in order to fail at something, you need to try. But, like, what do you mean? It's too big for the crochet blanket. You couldn't even fit it in the... Yeah, no, well, the only way to fail banging a blanket is to just not bang it. Right. So chances are you banged a blanket. What'd you do? I think he might be referencing the conclusion of that, of said banging. Maybe it didn't get you to where you needed to go. Mm-hmm. So you banged a blanket, and you consider that the...

Not finishing is the failure. Yes. Correct. All right. I don't want to ask more questions because... I'm so moving on. What color was the blanket? Navy. Why do you know? Because he remembers. It's his story. What do you mean, why do you know? He's like, Navy. Was it your blanket or was it a family blanket? Was it the one that got away is my question. Navy.

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So the idea that I had is, you know how like they have like anime pillows that people marry?

You know what I'm talking about. You know what I'm talking about. I know that that has happened. I don't know that they're made to be married. I don't know if they're made to be married, but they, but none of us are technically made to be married, but along the way we figure out that we're going to marry. I mean, tell that to the Christians, dude. Okay. I'm not going to talk to them. I think that they've tuned out of this show a long time ago. Okay. Yeah. Hear me out. Marryable or like the same thing with pillows, but they're blankets.

And, like, when you fold them, it's like, you know, like me like this, but, like, standing up. And then you open the fold, and it'll be me fucking buck naked. And it's knitted. So, like, you know what I'm talking about? Yeah. It doesn't work because I don't have a vagina. But, like, say it was someone that does have a vagina. Okay? Yeah. The blanket is knitted. So, you know how you like to fuck your blankets? You two? Yeah.

You just pointed at me saying that? Well, you toe fuck your blankets is what you're doing. No, I wear it like a sandal. That's so different. Okay, what's the difference? Wearing a sandal and having sex? If you don't know the difference, there might be something going on over there. Just, I think that this could be a multi-million dollar industry. I know that you think that. Well, why not?

What the fuck? You got glasses on too? Why are yours purple? You look like a fly. Oh. You do kind of look like a fly. You know like fly... Bro, flies by the way, low key, if you get really close to one... Fuck them. They're weird looking. Yeah, fuck flies. Do they have two big eyes or mad eyes? You ever seen like an ayot really up close? They're like... Yeah, their mouths are like vertical.

Or no, they have pincers. Well, they have mandibles, I think is what you're referencing. Right. But I think they also have mouths like us. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I'm saying? But like flies, do they have a bunch of eyes? Am I making that up? Or they got two big eyes? I think they have two eyes, but in the eyes, it's like a honeycomb looking shape. Right. And it's like they could see a bunch. Right. But they got two big goggles. What are you doing? Oh, you're going to keep going on. Okay. What? What? What are you talking about?

I thought I was going to look at these guys' phones. Yeah, no. I don't know. Purple shaded glasses is a choice. I will say that. I love that. Love that choice. I once had a t-shirt with purple shaded glasses on it. What is that for? It was Stewie Griffin. You had a Stewie Griffin t-shirt? I had a Stewie Griffin t-shirt and it was his face and he had on aviators and

I'm pretty sure maybe the shirt was purple, but Stewie Griffin had on aviators on my shirt. Best shirt I've ever worn, obviously. That's the best shirt you've ever worn? What did it say? Anything on it? Now that I think about it, I had a lot of Family Guy t-shirts. Yeah. You did. But what did the shirt say? Nothing. It just had Stewie Griffin. It just had him with glasses on? Yeah, I could find the picture, but I might have to just send it to Aunt after. I don't need to see it. I don't need to see the photo. You sure? Yeah.

Yeah. It was a pretty cool shirt now that I think about it. Yeah, I know you had that. You had a lot of cereal t-shirts. I have a question. Go ahead. And this is a serious question. Oh, okay. Hold on. Go ahead. Is there a problem with me liking to match? What does that mean? Because like we were recording something the other day and Greg was just like,

Oh. Hey, man, you're very matchy. You're very matchy. And I was like, yeah, I like to match. And he's like, what did he say? Something along the lines of just like, it's not 2009 anymore. Or something along those lines. Something like, it's time to grow up. It's time to grow up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Something like that. What's the issue with matching? Because, yeah, I think he was referencing like your shirt, your hat, your shoes, and maybe your pants were all the same color. It's funny because I like Greg's sense of style. I think he has a good sense of style. I would also define his as matchy, though. It's matchy.

I mean, isn't it supposed to... Pot! Kettle! Bang! Yeah. Yeah. I think that it's supposed to match in some capacity, right? Yeah, I don't know. I don't know if it was just like a... It's supposed to go together. If it was just like a, I'm out. Because I understand I am not always up to date with fashion trends, music trends. You don't have to listen. You can just say everything. Okay.

Fashion trends, music trends, pop culture. Like recently, Lynch also told me, he's like, hey man, don't ever let anyone tell you that skinny jeans are out of style. I like my skinny jeans. I like my clothes to be a little form fitting. Do you wear skinny jeans? Yeah. Sometimes. Yes, I do. And I have no problem with it. Sometimes you do have jeans that are like, whoa. Well, that's because...

Daddy's put on quite a little bit of thunder. You know what I'm saying? You're just storming right now. That's fine. The forecast is frank. Here's the thing. It's not – you didn't put anything on. It's power is what it is. That's what I think. I mean, it's also about how I feel. Right.

But you feel powerful? I don't feel as powerful. I can look exactly the same and be active every day, and I feel like I could move a brick house if I wanted to. But it is the power. I don't consider myself out of shape. I consider myself powerful or not powerful. Does that make sense? It does in Star Wars, I think. They talk a lot about power. Forceful? That's not a good word at all. That's not something I'm going to call myself ever. I'm very forceful.

That's a very different podcast. Not us. Yeah. Although your glasses indoors definitely seems to suggest that you're on that show. Okay, relax. I... With... The force coursing through you is what you're referencing. Right. Yeah. Pivoting. So there was a story that came out recently. Yeah. And I wanted to talk to you about it. There was a truck carrying $800,000 worth of dimes.

Like coins. Yeah. And it's... I didn't think it was 800,000 hot women. Just die. Just absolute dimes, baby. Yeah. It's not 2009. We don't refer to women as objects anymore. Well, we don't. Right. Other people might. I'm sure it does happen. Yeah. And it flipped over or it crashed and the money went everywhere. Okay. 800,000 dimes. So my question for you is...

How much money, if you saw this on the side of the road, how much money can you get away with? And we're talking... Wait, was it $800,000? Worth of dimes. Okay. So not 800,000 dimes. Right, right, right. $800,000 worth of dimes. It's like the argument where it's like, what's heavier, a pound of feathers or a pound of brick? So basically you're saying if there's $800,000 worth of dimes right here, how much can I get away with? Yes. Is it just on my person? Yes.

Well, it's on the side of the road, so... Oh, okay. But you have... Can I, like, funnel it into my car? You have 60 seconds. Okay. 60 seconds is tough. 60 seconds is... It's basically you load up and then you go to your car. So, like, what do you think you can carry at a time? Yeah, you're not over there, like, taking a bucket and throwing it in your backseat type of shit. Yeah. It's just what you can get. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think if I walk over there, if I got a hoodie on...

Hoodie? Oh, neck? Well... That's what I'm thinking. Well, I was going to say, like, I would take a piece of... Oh, you know what I would do? Take my pants off. Oh. And then I would... Tie the bottom? Tie the bottom. But you're wearing jeans. What does that mean? You can tie the bottom of your jeans. Joey, whom are you? Yeah. You wear jeans more often than not. Or shorts. And in that case, you're triple fucked. Screwed, yeah.

Okay. Well, how many dimes can I hold? Let's do some. I will shove some in my pockets. Duh. I could probably get like close to 100 bucks in my pocket, right? Is that crazy? Well, how much? I don't know how much a dime weighs. Forget about how much a dime weighs. Dimes are small. I can probably fit like 10 dimes as a dollar.

For those of you guys that aren't in the United States. I can fit like $65 of dimes in a pocket. For those of you guys that are not in the United States and may not be familiar with our currency system, a dime is 10 cents. 10 cents. 10 of those make a dollar. 100 cents make $1. So you're thinking you could shove your pockets and walk away with $100? How many is that? 650 dimes? No. What? What?

How many times? It would be a thousand. 6,500 dimes is... Is $650. Yeah. Right? Oh, no. I'm saying $65. No. $65 times 10. Yeah, yeah. So 650 dimes. I could definitely put that in my pocket. You think so? I think so. Bro, I'm getting way more than that. In one pocket? In one pocket.

First of all, I wear deeper pockets because I'm a powerful man. I'm more powerful than you. Ant's going to walk away with the most money because he's got cars. Oh, my God, dude.

It's going to be like, I got pockets on my knees. Joke's on us. The pockets on this boy. I mean, those shorts are, you're walking away a multimillionaire. Let me tell you. I would probably take off my shirt and then try to like tie the holes of the thing and just shove mad time. By the time you got those things, I said you have 60 seconds. By the time you have those things tied, you don't have the time. You've never seen me tie a shirt hole. Tie it right now. Tie a shirt right now. I've never done it. Exactly. Exactly.

So technically you're right. I've never seen you do it, but you've also never seen you do it. I think that if there's all those dimes, I could probably walk away with like 600 bucks. 600 bucks. What do you think that weighs? Five pounds? I haven't even thought of that. Bro, no way. Because dimes are also light. They're thin and they're skinny, like quarters. What are you thinking? Bro, I'm walking away with at least five grand.

Yeah, are you insane? You don't think so? Why? They're light. Dude, you have to carry $5,000 worth of dimes. That's $50,000. I think I have shoes that I could fill with dimes, socks I could fill with dimes. I have pockets I could fill with dimes. I have hands that I could fill with dimes. How many money can you do with all of your hands? Bro, I could fill my mouth up with dimes. Who said I can't? Frank, you could fit $13 in your mouth.

I would say we should try this. That would be very dangerous. Let the picky boys do that. All right, guys. Today, we're going to see how many dimes we can shove in our mouth. How much money do you think you're walking away with? With my pants? Yeah. Oh, multi-millionaire, this guy. I could probably get...

I could get all of it. I could probably get 1,000 pounds. Nope, $1,000. $1,000. We're in Britain now. Yeah. All right. Maybe 5,000 was a bit of an exaggeration. I imagine – A bit. First of all, that's an exaggeration. You're not getting $1,000. All right. I would say – let's go by – because they're light. How much does $100 worth of dimes weigh? Am I guessing? I have no idea. Let's guess. $100 worth of dimes. So that's 1,000 dimes. I would say that probably weighs like –

Four pounds. That's wrong. So you can't walk away with 400 pounds? It's not about the weight. It's just about how much I could fit in a pocket.

Like you can't fit that many in a pocket. I can pick up all the – That's a good point. We didn't calculate volume here. I'm going purely – We? I'm going purely – I did. I'm going purely based off of weight. I don't care about volume. I can carry a lot more dimes than I could like walk away in that situation, but I only have that many pockets. Those people that pay for like parking tickets and like buckets of coins and shit like that. Yeah. I think – How much is a – wait. How much is $100 worth of dimes? I would say like a quarter of a pound.

Bro, it's not. That's insane. All right, all right, all right. A fucking, at most, a pound. I'm actually going to change my answer to like 10 pounds. You think you can get 10 pounds worth of dimes? No, I think that $100 worth of dimes probably weighs somewhere from 8 to 10 pounds. Bro, they're small. They're the smallest coin. But it's 1,000 of them. Yeah, but they're small in their light. How much does it weigh? It weighs 5 pounds. A quarter of a pound. Okay. What do you think? Are they made out of air? It'll get there.

Yeah, so, uh, so- Wait, so $100 is 5 pounds? Oh, dude, I ain't walking away with- So your $5,000 would be 250 pounds. $5,000, 250 pounds? Yeah. I could do that. You're carrying 250 pounds? Bro, I can do that. I could 1,000% do that. Bro, that's carrying a- Watch this. Big guy. Watch this. Draped all over your body. Watch this. 100 pounds on my shoulders.

Like I could squat. You could squat 100 pounds. What do you mean on your shoulders? Like how would you get dimes on your shoulders? I'll stack them. What are we talking about? Let's say I have like a – like if I just have like a sack in my car. I could put it on my shoulders. Your Santa Claus? Sure. I could put that on my shoulders. And then it's another 150 pounds. 75 in a bucket, 75 in a bucket. Yeah. You can't deadlift 75 pounds on each hand? Frank, I'll throw it against the ceiling if I want to. That's what I'm saying.

I think I could walk away with a couple grand. It's not about weight. It's about, like, first of all, you're just changing the rules as we go along. Now you have buckets. Now you could just fill up two buckets. Like, that would take more than a minute. All right, you're right. You're right. You're right. What am I – if we're wearing what we're wearing right now. If we're wearing what we're wearing right now. You're in trouble. I'm in huge disarray. You're in a big old fat problem. I would probably – And still has – he's gotten more –

He does have four pockets. Anytime he walks in, we should do like a line on how many pockets today. Set the line every day at like three and a half, you know? Or no, just by numbers, three and a half, five and a half. Yeah. I would say right like this, I'd probably get like not that much, dude. I'd probably get like maybe 150 bucks. No. Can I see the pants you're wearing? Can I see?

It's like this. I have pockets. Oh, those look deep though. And you have... I see a zipper pocket in there. Where? Is there? No. Okay.

Man, if you had zippers. Oh, oh. There is? I got it down the leg. You got it down the leg? Small, small. It doesn't matter. That helps. Dude, I could fit four bucks in there maybe. I mean, four bucks, baby. And then if I could take my shoes off and carry my shoes, I could do that. And your socks, babe. And socks. And socks. You catch me on a day where I'm wearing loafers and flowy pants. Yeah. We got a problem. I can't carry that many times though. I think I get $500.

Realistically. How are you carrying $500? I got a hat. I got a hat. Oh, I always wear hats. I always wear hats. You can't have all this. I don't have shoes. That's a problem. That is right. You do not. You are wearing sandals, flip flops. I think I can do it. I take this off, tie it together. The arms. I can get all this. 5,000 dimes. The fuck out of you. Yeah. If you were able to tie that together. Yeah. Oh, if I was wearing a turtleneck, if I had prep time, I'd wear the right clothes. Turtleneck.

A turtleneck. Joggers? You were on the way to a recital and then a truck flipped over all these times. I'd wear construction boots. The sketcher boots. Bring those back. No, I'd wear rain boots. Or galoshes. Sure. What's that? Those are rain boots. Or like waders. What if I wore waders? I don't even know what that is. Waders are like people that like... Yeah, they are. I'm talking like the people that...

That, like, they fish and they, like, stand in the water. Yeah. And they have that rubber, like, overalls that come up to their chest. Oh, the cranberry field guys. Yes, yes, in the bogs. Fill that shit up. Overalls is a good answer. Overalls is a great answer. Overalls is, like, fine. No, but waders are smart because the boots are built in. Yeah. The boots are built in, so wear waders. Yeah, but if you fill that up, you can't move. It's rubber.

You ever go to someone's house and they have all this change in a giant thing? Like, if you can move it, it's yours. And you can't move it? Oh, I've... It's happened to me. I once had... At Ralph's house. Ralph had one of those? Didn't you guys have one of those? Like a five-gallon water jug where it was like a ton of change? It was like a water jug like that that Ralph had. Yeah, yeah. I think it was made out of glass. Five-gallon. It was filled. And then it was like... His dad was like, if you can move it, it's yours. And I was like...

Don't give me that challenge because I'll move it and then you're going to owe me the money. Bro, fill up a fucking five gallon jug with coins. The heaviest coins you could think. I'm moving it. Move it in what capacity? Shift it? Tilt it? Get it from A to B? I could do it. You're just going to have to...

I don't know why that made me the heaviest coin you could think of. We have choices of four, maybe. Dimes, quarters, nickels? Nickels, bro. Get the fuck out of here. Pennies? What a bitch-ass coin. Pennies are cooler than nickels. Pennies, nickels, dimes, quarters, dollars, half dollars. Half dollars. Half dollars are cool. Nickels, bro. Half dollars are cool because they were the only one I could fit in my eye. And like, like that, like I was wearing a monocle.

What? You put a diamond... What do you put? A half dollar. Half dollar in your eye. Yes. Okay. They were big, too. Remember the size of those bitches? Yeah. I mean, I haven't seen one in a long time. Who's on that? JFK, I think. JFK? Yeah. John? Jacob. He's on those? Yeah. John Fakap...

Kingelheimer Schmidt. Frederick, I believe, but I don't know. Fitzgerald is his name. John Fitzgerald Kennedy. Yeah. Yeah. Junior? Was he junior? Yeah. JFK Jr., bro. Who was the one that was the president? JFK Jr.? That's a good question now that I'm thinking about it. Because I know RFK Jr. No, no, Jr. Jr. wasn't, no. It was just. JFK was the president. And then he had his thing, you know. Gotten rid of. Bang, bang. Yeah, that was something. Yeah.

I have a half dollar that my grandmother... You ever go down that rabbit hole? I don't. I can't. I can't go down it. I've watched the assassination frame by frame multiple times. The Zapruder film, as it's called. I have seen that. Ooh. And we drove by it. Did we drive by it in Dallas? I drove over the spot where he was shot. Oh, really? Yep. When? When we were in Dallas. But like, were we all in the car or... Was there two cars? No.

You know what it might have been? Because remember I went and got a haircut, and then you guys went to that somewhere, and then the mall after, and I met you at the mall? Yeah. I don't think you were with us, to be honest with you. I just have to say, that's the best fucking haircut I've gotten in my entire life. In Dallas? In Dallas, Texas. Wow. And technically it was outside of Dallas. I don't remember. What was the name of that area? Arlington, maybe? Nope. I don't know. It was not Arlington. I don't know, bro. I've been there once. Nah. All right. But I drove over the X, and I was like, oh.

But I can't, I can't get into conspiracies. I just, I don't have the time for it. Dude. I love it. Um, but we do have some more ads. Uh, this is a long episode. Mama's home. Okay, here we go. Zoc doc. How you doing? Uh, guys, if you want to, uh, find some, uh,

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A dermatologist because I use ZocDoc. And yeah, so that's what it's used for. So it's great. But yeah, so you can get a same, sometimes you can score same day appointments. They have appointments usually within 24 to 72 hours. So quick turnarounds like that, but stop putting off those doctor's appointments and go to ZocDoc.com slash basement to find and instantly book a top rated doctor today. That is Z-O-C-D-O-C.com slash basement. Okay.

Z-O-C-D-O-C dot com slash basement. Go get your doctor's appointments. And lastly here, we have liquid IV. Okay. Liquid IV. Have them all the time. I've been running a lot lately and sometimes I'm really bad with drinking water because we're recording or doing whatever. So after work, if I go for a run, I get back and I'm like, I need to replenish. Okay. I'm doing a liquid IV. And, um,

They're great. I mean, they have three times the electrolytes of leading sports drinks plus eight vitamins and nutrients all in a single stick. You just pop it open. You put it in a glass of water. You shake it up. They taste amazing. Right now, I'm running through the lemon lime pack. But they have...

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Tastes like candy. But they also have sugar-free ones, which is awesome too. But it's got the electrolytes in it. It's important. But you can get ready for the summer with Extraordinary Hydration from Liquid IV. Get 20% off your first order of Liquid IV when you go to liquidiv.com and use the code BASEMENT at checkout. Okay? Liquidiv.com. Use the code BASEMENT at checkout and you will get 20% off of your first order. Okay? Enjoy. Fuck. Show. Show the fucking... It's me. Okay.

You said this is the greatest shirt you ever wore, by the way. Frank. I love that you saw that because I know you bought that at Target. No, this is way pre-Target, dude. I mean, you could still shop at Target. No, I must have gotten it from like, you know, that store that used to be in the mall that carried all those graphic tees. A Pexun? No, no, no. It was like not a name brand store where it was like you can get like the Cookie Monster tea and

And then it was one that says like the man, the myth, the legend. And it pointed at your penis. And it pointed at your dick. Do you remember there was a guy who came to one of our shows and it said like Frank Alvarez, Joe Santagato or opposite? I don't even know. No. What a weird. You didn't see the picture of that? Maybe. I don't remember. I don't know what it means. I meant to ask. Yeah. What the hell does that mean? I don't know. First of all. Yeah. I think we could agree. Hold on. What are we agreeing on? Your face would be the face.

Why? You got a great face. I like my face, but you're the money-making face, dude. You think my face is better than your face? Yeah. Because I... Don't say that. You keep up with it more. Sometimes... With my face? Yeah. What does that mean? Like, you groom and shave more. You're getting haircuts more frequently. I haven't gotten a haircut since October. You got a great face. I like my face. And your hairline. Well, that... It's crazy. All right, so if we could put together the ideal face between our faces...

Okay? Yeah, yeah. It's going to be your facial hair. We can agree to that. Banana's facial hair. Okay. I'll take it, but I don't know if that's even... My bottom lip. What? I thought I was going to... You have a good one, but your top lip is stronger than my bottom lip. My top lip is better than your top lip. Way better than my top lip. Yeah, okay. Okay. Whose eyes? Whose eyes? I think I have good eyes. You have great eyes, Joey. You have blue eyes, dude. Or like hazel. Your hairline and hair...

Duh. I'm sorry. Can I have this? Can I have this? Can I have it? Frank, take it. How about this? I'll take the hairline and the hair. Give me your hair color. You don't like your hair color? I like my hair color. Wait, is it black, yours is? Well, technically, no hair color is naturally black. It's just dark brown. Okay. But, like, the salt and pepper you got going on, you know it's working. You're so horny for that. Horny is a weird word. Who's got better ears? I don't even know what my ears look like. Who's got better ears, Ant? Look at me, dead on, Frankie.

Dead on. You can see his ears, dude. Yeah, why dead on, bro? Well, because I got to see it for like how wide they are as well. Oh, so now we know how judge bases ears. Yeah. Look at me, Joe. I think Frankie has better ears. Okay. So we got Frank's hair. Don't hate that. Frank's hair and hairline. Frank's ears. Frank's bottom lip. Joe's top lip. Joe's eyes. Yeah. How do we feel about my eyebrows and nose?

I think, I think, I think, remember when I was saying powerful before? Yeah. I think my nose carries quite a bit of power and strength. I don't feel any way. Becca tells me that all the time. She's like, I love your nose. And I've always, I've been fine with it. But now that my wife likes it, I'm great with it. Okay. You know, she's instilled confidence in you. That's the way it works, baby. Right. Marry someone that brings you up. Yeah. My nose. Yeah. You're cool with that? Cool. I don't feel any way about my nose. I think we're going to, I'm going to have to take eyebrows from you though. From me? From you.

Oh, like your eyebrows are nicer? But can you do this? Ooh. Ooh? What is that? Watch, watch, watch. Well, can you do that? Both, bitch. Nope. No? I can't. It depends. Honestly, it depends on the style. If we're talking early 2000s, super skinny, Rachel Weisz and the mummy eyebrows, you win. I don't even know that. I don't even know. You know. What about a compromise? His eyebrows, your eyebrow dexterity.

Now we're getting into dexterity. Who's Dexter? I don't even know what that means. That. Oh, like my movement. Yeah. My movement and emote ability. Okay. I'm fine with that. Yeah. Okay, so I need someone who animates the show to make this. Okay. Whose neck? Because I got a big one, and I don't know if that's good or bad. What size is your neck? I think it's at like an 18 right now. What? Yeah, dude. No, it isn't. I think so. Oh, then I...

Well, last I got fitted for a shirt, it was like 18 or maybe 17 and a half. I'm 16 and a half, I think. You have a baby neck, dude. Well, I feel like mine's so thick. Maybe you should have a small head. Well, you do. You work out your traps quite a bit. I haven't. Oh. I used to when I was younger. Okay. I think, man, I mean, who is the judge of this? Ant? About what? Our neck. Whose neck? Whose neck turns you on more?

Facial hair excluded. Wait, why are we doing turning him on more? Why is that? This is so stupid. And now. It's probably Joe's neck. But wait, but wait. My neck has built in strangulation defenses. Watch this. Someone comes to strangle me. Oh, that's pretty good. Can't strangle that. No, but like look. That's pretty good too. Look at this. Look at that. I can do that. I could also do this. What is that? I can move my throat.

That's a crazy thing to say on this show. You know, we need that skill for the setup, yeah. Just like, you see it? Let me ask you a question. You see it? First of all, that's gross. Ew. Okay. Do you have back dimples? I don't know, honestly. I caught myself in the mirror, and I got them.

The internet's going wild. I like your feet are everywhere. You got back dimples. I was like walking by and have a mirror like this. And I looked and I was like, that's crazy. I got a little back dimple. That's crazy. Like two of them. I might. I don't know. I'll have to ask Becca. Turn around. Let's see. I'm not going to open it up. I'm not going to show. If I do have back dimples, they're for one person only, bitch. And it ain't Joe Santagato. I'm going to see them.

That's a good question. I'm going to say those back dimples. You got back dimples? No, I don't think so. You're so confident. No, I have no idea. All right. Someone build that face, though. Build that face, skin tone. Come on. Yeah, yeah. No, you understand. I'm just saying we want to give all the information. Tongue? Tongue? Tongue?

My tongue, here's the thing, my tongue is often, the other day we were recording, and in the middle, Greg goes, why is your tongue so green? It was comically green. I had some Big League Chew on the way to the office. Sue me. It wasn't that it was green. It was that it was like a pastel green. Yeah. I was like, what is that? You have a big ass crack in the middle of your mouth.

Unlike your tongue. I thought you were talking about my ass crack. No, no, no, no, no. And your tongue, you have a big ridge. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. Someone build that face. Yeah, build a face. Build a face. I think...

It's not bad. It'd be so funny to see that. Someone's going to do it and we're going to be mortified. Maybe Bannon can do it. Who knows? Building our perfect face. Building the perfect face. That's a toughie. Yeah. You know. Can we just name the episode? Well, that came at the very end. I imagine we wouldn't name it that because people would be like, where do they talk about this? Yeah, I don't know. Well, they have to wait to find out. It's obviously going to be about the tour dates. Yeah. Sure. We've already forgotten that's happening. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which, by the way,

I don't know that we're here again. If you want to enjoy a sloppy, stinky rack of ribs in a diaper. Yeah. Come on down to Frank's Dypes. Barbecue in a diaper. Is that crap? No. It's barbecue sauce. Is that a crap blowout in that diaper? No. It's just a rack of ribs. Rib meat shoved into a hot dog bun. I've seen that. Rub one?

I've seen that where they put a rib in there with like a bone. Bro. Yeah. You ever see a guy. I know who you're talking about. Yeah. If it doesn't slide off, it's free. Well, no. Yes. Obviously that guy. But no, there was one where it's like there's a sandwich and it's it's wrapped up in aluminum foil and there's a bone sticking out. And he yanks that. And he just goes and then you open it and it's a beautiful sandwich. I have to say, I have to say I'm into all types of cuisines.

I don't know if I get excited for any food more than I do just like sloppy fucking disgusting barbecue. Yeah. And like if I ever. I need a squirt bottle. I'll let you know right now. As a society, here's a warning to all cooks out there. The moment we start doing elevated barbecue, like you try to open like a fine dining barbecue restaurant, I'm going to burn your place to the ground.

That's crazy. Yeah, I know. But like if I see someone with like a white guy with like gauges in Brooklyn and he's just like, you know, elevated. You know what I'm saying? Like, listen up, guys. We're doing fine dining barbecue. Can't. You better hope those windows are bulletproof. Right. Because I'm sending a Molotov cocktail or fourth room, okay? What would be the point of it being bulletproof?

I guess that would stop a Molotov cocktail. If it could stop bullets, I imagine it could stop a... Can we make a Molotov cocktail? Is that legal? Can we just make one? No. Why not? Because it's dangerous. Who's stopping you? No, yeah. Who's stopping you? But, like, I can... Good old Uncle Sam, I imagine, is stopping you. But, like, if I had... Let's... Hypothetically, right? This is a great question. It's not like building a bomb. Like, that clearly is... I mean, I think... We're fucking demonetizing shit now. Yeah. After me saying that. But, like, if we're...

If like that I know is illegal, but like, can I just put, what is it like alcohol, a rag in a bottle? I think technically could technically it would be considered an improvised explosive device, an IED, which is you can't make that. What if I just wanted to like,

Make one to throw at my fireplace to like turn it off. I imagine like no one's going to police that unless you're like in like an area where wildfires are prevalent. Bro.

If I get like an upstate house one day and there's an outdoor fireplace, I'm just going to make a Molotov cocktail and just set the fire. The throwing it is the spreading of it is the issue. You would have to throw it in a concrete. It's in a concrete. Yeah. But Joey, you don't think stuff sprays back at the person once it hits. Of course it does. So how far back are you going to be with this fucking incredible aim that you have, which you and I both know you don't have great aim.

What? We both don't know that. I have fantastic aim, Frank. With a Molotov cocktail. I've never tried to throw one. First of all, I think it is illegal. Yeah, I think it might be too, which sucks because they seem fun. Yeah, honestly, I think that we're, you know... Hold on. Yeah. I think this might exist already, so I'm not even going to say it. You've had...

Progressively worse. I don't know why. Every time you're like, I have a business idea. And it's the most outlandish thing I've ever heard. Joey, I think you understand, as Big Business Joe, that sometimes...

It's not about having the great idea. It's about the ethos. The ethos, exactly. So like, you know, how many times do you think Bill Gates had to go through Microsoft before he came up with Microsoft? You know what I'm saying? Probably like twice. I don't think he ever landed on like diaper barbecue and then got to Microsoft. I don't think that's the track. You never know. I mean, you only hear, what do they say? You only hear about the successes. You don't see the failures.

They scream my failures and they whisper my accomplishments. I don't know. Whatever it is. Did you have a high school quote? Oh, your yearbook quote? Oh, I don't remember it. I remember mine, yeah. This should be good. You're going to hate it. It's going to be what? Batman saying something? No, no. What was it? Somehow not as bad. What is it? It was...

I'm already laughing at one of them. It was, screw chasing my dreams. I'm going to find out where they'll be in 10 years and meet up with them then. What? That's chasing your dreams. What did you mean? Screw chasing my dreams. I'm going to go get them in 10 years. Bro, that's chasing your dreams. I'm paraphrasing. I don't think, technically, that's not chasing. Chasing is you're always keeping up with it. I'm just saying like, yo, dreams, where are you going to be in 10 years? I'll see you then. That's kind of what happened. That's exactly what happened.

That is EXACTLY what happened! That's insane! Holy shit, that's crazy! There you go, folks. Mine was probably horrendous. Yours was probably like a Mac Miller quote and then like an emoji that you somehow got in there but the emoji was like... Honestly, yeah. Or like a vinyl record emoji or something like that. I don't even know. I wish I knew. Joey's was probably... Wait, do we have that? Joey's was probably just like... Whatever.

That's probably what it was. Sick joke. Ants was probably like, the more pockets, the better. Because we went to the same high school, but obviously different years. You're 11. I'm 33. But did you guys have like superlatives by the time you left? Because we didn't have that. What's that word? Like, most likely to. Yeah, we had that. But it was like, it was because you guys went to a Catholic school. So it was just like, most likely to fall into Corinthians 16.8.

They didn't give it to us because they were like, oh, no, people are going to get upset. Because it's like one of the seven deadly sins, like whatever it is. Or yours were just like, as voted by the staff, sexiest sexiest.

Oh, ew. Oh, right. No, they... Yeah, I got you. You guys got it. Okay. Yeah. They gave the cores a list and you voted on like a predetermined... Oh, so everyone got one. Yeah. Yeah. So the way that ours did, I actually, my senior year, I counted the votes with my friend. And it was, there was like an initial round of voting. So like write-ins. And then of those write-ins, you take the two most popular or four most popular in some cases. And then you...

Distributed again for another round of voting Bro people at our school campaigned For like best dressed Yes dude like vote me best dressed I swear to god It was like a thing I'll tell you what there's a sure fire way to get me to not vote for you And it's that way Did you win any? There wasn't any for my year Did you win any? No They're a fucking loser Not even most likely to succeed No I had the valedictorian in my core

Oh, and they always win it. It was tough. By the time the voting comes out, they always know who's going to be the valedictorian. It was tough. Were you a good student? I was a great student. What's great? Fantastic. Numbers. Numbers, numbers. Like A+.

Alright, baby. I said numbers. He said A+. So different school grading might be different across the board. We had like GPAs like that? I think. It wasn't GPA. It was on like a grade point. I'm saying like you had like a 99 average or something. Oh, yeah. 97.

Damn, dude. I didn't have that. My senior year, I had a 101.3 average. I crushed that shit. Wow. Did you win valedictorian? I did not win valedictorian. Were you in the MVP voting? I don't think I was. It was like the girl that won in our year was like all four years averaged like a 115 or something. What are those numbers? Yeah, they take Italian or language and you get extra credit. Yeah, and then it was literally like

If they get extra credit, they can factor that in. That's horseshit. Well, they need to. One to 100. They need to. They need to go over 100 because, like, if there's a cap and five people get 100, how are you going to dictate who wins? Fight to the death. Okay. All right. I did get 120 in Italian. That kind of helped me out. What? Do you speak Italian like that? No.

I was just kidding. What was your best? 120. Yeah. That was your best. So obviously Italian was your best. What was your best, Joey? And be honest, lunch. No, gym, physical ed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. It was phys ed and I was in English. Oh, okay. Yeah, you're well-spoken. I can see that. Absolutely. But like every science besides earth science rocks.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. Chemistry and bio, my first year. Did you guys do that too? Yep. Yeah. Absolutely. Like my teacher did me a favor by not putting me in summer school. Yeah, dude. I remember the year that was really tough for the people in our, like when I was in there was chemistry and physics. A lot of people struggled with physics. Physics, I don't think I was like, wait. Yeah, no, my physics wasn't bad. Bio and chem was horrific. Okay. I can see that.

Physics and math for me. Science and math. What was your worst subject? History. Oh, boy, do I hate history. I did well in it because, like, it was 2010. It was, like, if you're cool. So I had a deal. I don't know if he's still alive. I hope he is. He was a really nice guy, really cool guy. Old?

He was up there. Probably dead. Not up there, but he was there. He's dead, dude. He was the coach of the basketball team. And he's dead. He's probably dead as fuck. I don't know. Jesus Christ, dude. But...

He gave me 15 points of extra credit every marking period because I would write the lesson on the board in the morning. So he's like, come into class every day. It was my first period. He's like, come into class every day, 10 minutes early. Write the bullet points on the board, and I'll give you 15 points every marking period. What's 15 points? Like if you got an 80, you're 95? Yes. Oh, my God. Is that even legal? That's insane. Bro, it was high school in the 2010s. They didn't dig. They did whatever the fuck they want. That's crazy.

Crazy. Yeah, dude. Yeah. And that was a wild deal. It also helped that my mom was a very popular person at my high school. Not only that, but wasn't passing- I, like, earned my grades, but, like- Wasn't passing in your school, like, 55? It was originally, like, 65, and then I think they had to lower it to 55. Bro, imagine this. Passing is 55. This guy's willing to give you 15? That's insane. Listen, dog. I was cool. Like, yo, I was, like-

I don't think you realize how... You weren't that cool. You were showing up to class ten minutes early. Well, no... God damn it. I was saying, like, I don't think you realize how cool I was with the teachers and staff at my school. When I came to your school that one time, you're, like, the mayor, dude. Like, it's getting to everybody. That was the thing. But also, not only because, like... And I say this a lot. Like, my mom worked there. Yeah. But, like, I was also...

good as a student you know what i mean like if my mom worked there and i was a piece of shit they'd be like fuck this kid but even before that school i feel like in uh your other school it was still like that you were cool with all the teachers i was cool with them i actually spoke to my buddy the other day about it um i was cool with them but like i wasn't as good of a student so people like basically like it was like a give and take a little bit what are you gonna do way gone dope way gone dope

Jeez. Ran a little long here, folks. It's a big one. But listen, it's a big one. But listen, we're going to run over these dates one more time. But guys, again, tomorrow at noon. Okay, noon Eastern, 12 p.m. Eastern. Presale starts with the code BASEMENT. Say what tomorrow is. Tomorrow is May 13th. Thank you. May 13th, presale code BASEMENT at thebasemeyard.com. You can get all the tickets.

St. Louis, June 28th. Kansas City is going to be around there too, possibly the 27th, I would say. San Diego, July 10th and 11th. San Francisco, July 12th. Atlantic City, July 18th. Minneapolis, July 24th. Milwaukee, July 25th. Chicago, July 26th.

August 9th, Detroit. Toronto, August 6th, Detroit, August 9th. Phoenix, August 28th, Vegas, Labor Day weekend. Columbus, September 18th, Pittsburgh, September 20th. Philly on September 27th.

South Florida, October 16th. Orlando, October 17th. Tampa, October 19th. D.C., October 23rd. Boston, November 6th. And New York City, November 13th. Okay, again, May 13th. Presale code is basement at TheBasementYard.com. General sale, which just means that you don't need codes at that point, will be May 16th.

also at thebasementyard.com. Come out to the shows. Like I said, it's going to be a brand new show. It's a lot of fun. We, like, workshopped some stuff over in the UK, and we're very excited about where the show is and bringing it back to the States. So hopefully we see you guys out there. We're really excited, and thank you for all the support. Yep. All right. We'll see you guys later. See you next time. Ooh, that was a big one.