Deep Dive
Shownotes Transcript
From luminary and atypical artists, you're listening to The College Tapes. This is episode 15, Enoch de Contet by Brigham Snow. That brilliant freaking song is just chef's kiss. The lyrics. It's crazy when a song just gets you.
Clears your skin, waters your crops, and eradicates homophobia. Damn. Thanks for listening to that with me. I love when a song just reaches out through your headphones and sits with you quietly. Good music. Stuff you can connect with. It can jump out through your car speakers on a drive and light you up. It can slither out of a distant MacBook down the hall in your dorm building and give you the confidence to leave your room and face the world when everything and everyone is constantly reminding you of how...
unexceptional you are or how afraid you are to go through another day where you feel like a supporting character in your own dumb story and it can make you think about stuff okay gang it's almost 11 p.m and i'm supposed to be signing off in a minute and you're here for music not existential dread but we're college students existential dread is the only major we're ever going to be able to fall back on right
And this is my show, and the studio is like an empty morgue right now, so I know we're all in the eye of the midterm storm and the nerves are raw, so I hope you'll allow me some void shouting before I sign off for the night. I mean, could you imagine writing a song and having other people listen to it, feel it, understanding the words you wrote like it came from inside them, being heard, being understood? I miss what that's like, honestly. Not writing music, my keyboard knows the crimes I've committed there, but...
the being understood part and all that comes with it i was never attention's sweet center but for a while i knew what it was like to be me and have that be a good thing something that would make someone want to connect with me be with me for a while anyway what i said mattered what i did mattered but in the end it wasn't enough we aren't ever enough are we
Doesn't matter how well you do in school, how friendly you try to be to the people around you, even when it feels like the antithesis of who you are. Because the person you are, the music you listen to, the thoughts on Shakespeare you might and should have, all the things that make you you, it isn't enough. I see so many extraordinary people around me doing the coolest things you could ever possibly imagine, and then there's me.
And it can feel like those extraordinary people, all they want is for things to be simple. And here I am desperately wanting to be better, to be more interesting, but I just can't. Luck of the draw means that I'm not special and there's nothing I can do about it. Can you tell how my exams went today? To be fair, I am pretty great at the whole school thing. So they went fine actually, but that's the crux of it.
Some of us may be good at the school thing, but not so much at the real life thing. Recently, some crazy things have been going on in my life, things that make midterms feel like a cakewalk, and I keep thinking, this is what I wanted, something to make life exciting and interesting in the way that I want to be exciting and interesting, in a way I haven't felt since I was with. Now that things actually are, I'm freaked out, and there's this whole messy process
I'm sure I sound like I'm speaking in tongues. Put it this way. You know how classes were barreling along and then it felt like it was all getting away from you, like things were out of your control, especially this semester, like things have been weird. And then we have fall break and you get a week to yourself away from the crazy amount of work and then all of a sudden a break is over and you're back in it and oh look, they're all back from Boston staying with you again this weekend. I mean,
Exams. You come back and exams slam you in the face. How we doing, listeners? How am I doing? That's so nice of you to ask. I'm sitting here in the studio trying to feel normal again. Okay, so I'm hiding in the studio like my own worst enemy, poking at my own mediocrity like a bad bruise. It's weird, right? Wanting to be interesting and accepted, part of the action, and yet not wanting it at the same time.
I'm sure none of this makes sense, you're missing a lot of context here, but welcome to the inside of my brain. It's a nightmare. Grab a swag bag full of self-loathing and contradictions on the way out. Actually, if you do find a way out, please tell me. Seriously. You know, it's occurring to me that this fucking weird end to a broadcast might be going out to no one. It's radio. It's college radio. I know we broadcast online too, but
Come on, it's Friday night. How tragic would that be if a microphone and a radio signal and the entire world wide web couldn't even get someone to hear me? Maybe it's all for the best. After all, I think this is the most morose and whiny I've ever been in public. No one wants to hear that, but if you knew what I was dealing with, you'd understand. I was supposed to be clear of the craziness this past few weeks and
I'm supposed to be in much more capable hands, except my ex, my someone, can't let things go. So I'm here in this dark studio while a bunch of genuinely special and interesting people are just taking over my life, my school. Yale was the one thing I had that was my own. And they're here living in my apartment, eating my food, messing up my midterm schedule and being so goddamn. Let's face it.
This semester has been one for the record books. And whoever decided having midterms days after fall recess was a good idea should be imprisoned for life. If you're out there listening, if you're like me and have nothing better to do on your Friday night, thank you. Thank you for hearing me. It's good to remember. I have a voice, that I have feelings, and that those feelings are mine and they matter and
I might just be normal, boring, old Adam Hayes, but I matter to me. I might even on occasion understand me, even if no one else does. I know you shouldn't need other people to give you your value. I get it. But it wouldn't hurt to be reminded that you're not just a sidekick in someone else's epic. Anyway, I should probably stop talking now and sign off. Yeah, signing off.
Oh, and happy almost Halloween. It's my favorite holiday, so I hope everyone has a good time. Wow, yep, that was the thing I just did. What the hell? Fuck, what the fuck? Okay, chill out, Adam. If it ends now, at least the last song I played was Black Parade. Let that be my legacy. For once, I'm glad it's just frat guys. We're here, where are you?
I told him I had the radio show. Maybe if he listened. Frankie and Ben are getting settled. Wanna do something? Wanna do something? What does that even mean? Why are you leaving me on red? You know what? Because I am! I'm not your emotional plaything, Caleb. Nope, not right now. Okayyyyyy. Shit. Hello? Hello? Is anyone in here? Uh, could you turn on the lights? Who's there?
Oh shit, oh shit. Please don't be a freaky atypical cult person. Fuck, not the time, Caleb. Wait, exactly the time. Hey. Whoa. Just wanted to tell you the power's out. Yeah, I can see that. Nat, you need to go. You can't be in here with the power out. Yeah, can you stop flashing that in my face? Thanks. Sure thing. We've been losing power a lot lately. Yeah? You can keep the coffee. Thanks. I gotta...
Escort you out now. Oh, yeah. Sorry. Power surge? Weird, spooky night. What if... No. Beck and Mark said they had it handled, but then again, that Oliver guy seems shady as hell. Says the guy talking to himself outside of a pitch-black convenience store like a fucking weirdo. Why am I like this? Ugh, God, let me come back as a fern in my next life so I can rest. It's 1138, Friday, October 30th.
I'm outside of the Russell Library, under a tree, by myself, because I can feel weirdness in the air, and I don't need Caleb or some random grown-up or anyone. I can figure this out. So if there are any time ghosts out there, come on out! Don't be afraid. Though to be fair, why would anyone be afraid of me? I'm the loser too scared to go into a freaking library. And it's cold.
And I can't put my hands in my pockets because I have to hold my phone, so I'm just standing here with one cold hand. But I can do this. I can do this. Maybe if I just start with some observations before I... Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense. There are trees. The library, of course. Nobody has come in or out of it since I've been here. The fountain. Nothing strange over there.
There's a soda cup on the ground next to the picnic table over there, a foot away from the trash. Come on, are you serious? It would take you five seconds to throw it out, but you just left it right there. It's so annoying. I'm just gonna... Relax, Adam. It's just a crow. You like crows. Oh, shit! And another one behind me somewhere. Where is that one coming from? And one of them just tried to kill me. Maybe it's an atypical who can shapeshift into a crow. Oh, God, that's not a thing, is it?
Alright, I'm gonna investigate. God, if shapeshifters are involved, then, well, I don't know, but they'd be involved and that'd be huge. The crow doesn't suspect I'm onto them. I'm trying to decide if I should keep my distance and make a sound to startle it and see what... Oh, shit! Okay. Not a shapeshifter, just a crow. Just a crow. Okay, I'm just gonna sit for a bit.
Why do I remember stakeouts being so fun? You just sit and watch and do nothing. That's every day for me. Caleb would have made this fun. He would have pulled the strings on his hoodie and made faces through it. Or given me his hoodie because holy shit, it is really cold. Or held my hand. He would have done a lot of things. I should call him. Nope. Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. But maybe, no, break glass in case of emergency at him.
Hey, Adam! Where are you? You're missing all the fun! Hey. Uh, what? Are you still at the station? No, I'm... Is everyone there? At our place? Yep. Why do you sound... You were super pissed at me this morning when I told you all of them were coming back. Did your midterms go really well or something? Oh, God, no. They went terribly. But I'm really happy everyone is here.
Yeah. Oh, yeah? Yeah.
So? Oh, did you want to talk to Caleb? He's in your room right now on the phone. What? He needed privacy or something. I figured it was okay. Frankie, Ben, and Sadie are parked up on the couch. Privacy? What for? Why is he in my room alone? Would you rather he not be alone? Shut up. You know what I mean. Who's he talking to? I don't know. Want me to listen? Yeah, go outside his door. My door. Okay, one sec. What's he saying? Give me a second. No. No what? I...
I can't have my roommates spy on my ex-boyfriend. What are roommates for? I'm pathetic. You're not pathetic. I thought when they left last week, I thought I was settling back into not being an idiot about Caleb. With Mark and Beck doing all the digging, I guess I thought it would all go away. Except here I am. Yeah, where are you? Uh, just sitting under a tree on campus. Oh, wow. You've got it bad. Oh, wait.
Um...
Is there some invasion of the body snatchers thing going on here? Who am I talking to? What do you mean? You sound really weird, Caitlin. Have you guys been drinking or something? Uh, no. We don't have anything in the apartment. We're gonna go shopping tomorrow for Halloween stuff, remember? Then what is going on? Last time they were all here, you wanted nothing to do with them, and I thought you were gonna pop a vein when I told you they were coming back. God, don't make me sound so uncharitable, Adam. No, I mean, I get it. They're...
different from us and it feels it's it's a lot to be surrounded by everything atypical and it always turns everything upside down i mean that's part of why caleb and i you know things changed at the end he started hanging out more and more with his atypical friends because duh obviously i'd choose special people over me and i'm me no i know why do i still do that
Am I really still this insecure that I'm just gonna keep pining after the football player from class while simultaneously telling myself I'm shit? This isn't... This isn't how it's supposed to be. Like, I think he was the love of my life, and I know that's stupid because I'm sitting here under a tree in the middle of the night looking for ghosts or whatever so I can prove something to him, but I can't stop obsessing over the one question that's been keeping me up for a year. Why doesn't he want to be with me? Like...
Why did he... If Caleb was here, he could make sense of these feelings, which I know is probably still crazy for you to wrap your head around, but so much of me getting through high school was having Caleb there helping me to navigate this stuff, and even when I told him I didn't want to. Caitlin, I can't even handle these feelings right now. Maybe that's why he can't, couldn't, can't handle them. I was too much, while at the same time not enough, but every time he looks at me...
And I see it in his eyes too, those beautiful green eyes. I just want to jump into his arms and wrap my legs around him and kiss him like I used to and feel his heart race and his big hands hold me tight and know he feels the same way. And then, but he shuts the door. Like, like he can't go there again. Not with me. Fuck, I'm sorry. I know you're sick of hearing about this and that you want me to move on, but please spare me the speech. Caitlin, you there?
Katelyn? What? Sorry it disconnected but call me back I need to talk to you. And great, now I'm gonna get a lecture about how I'm a sad piney loser. Wow, tonight sucks. Um, okay. Not right now, crow! Okay, that's it. I'm ready for things to be normal. Rest of the year, I wanna go to class, do my radio show, bury my head in my books, rinse and repeat, and get on with my life, please. But this is apparently my life. Whatever, I'm in it now.
Might as well avoid confrontation by trying to solve a mystery I have no business solving. Okay, what do I see? Um, the moon looks really big. The crows have gone quiet for a moment. Too quiet. The library. The fountain. The picnic table. The cup. Ugh, the cup. Wait, there's somebody. They're headed towards the library. No, wait. The fountain. Wait, is there a secret passage into the library from the fountain? That would be insane. Ah! Ah!
Are you kidding me? Really? Oh my god, they know my name. This was a bad idea. Adam, is that you? Sadie? Where have you been? Hey, uh... What are you doing out here? What are you doing out here? I thought you were back at the apartment. I was. What are you doing out here? I asked you first. No, you didn't. And I went for a run. But Caitlin said...
Wait, in the middle of the night? You're having Caitlin keep tabs on us already? Nice to see you too. No, not like that. You could have just asked Caleb what we were up to. He told me you left him on read. I just needed space for a second. Is that what this is? Sitting in an empty quad in the middle of the night? Yep. Are you recording this? Oh, this? Yeah. Uh, one sec. It's just a stakeout thing. Tonight's been weird. He can say that again. Can I sit down? Yeah, sure.
So, what's going on? What do you mean? Oh, wow. I can't with you tonight. Or any night. Don't forget day's two. Okay, this thing, this witty back and forth, that's not our thing, so let's not force it, okay? I recognize this bitchy edge. That feels pretty familiar. That gonna keep being our thing? Can you just leave me alone? What's gotten into you?
I mean, not like I expected a big warm welcome, but I thought we were past all this. We duck out for a bit and what, we're back at square one again? Forgive me if this comes across as a little blunt, but why do you care, Sadie? We aren't exactly friends. Huh.
I always thought we were. You've got a funny way of showing it. Yes, Caleb is my main guy. He's my ride-or-die college bud I'd do anything for and usually do. But you were part of the package. And I lucked out because you're a pretty good dude. Even if you can be exhausting. Not when he dumped me. You can stop pretending. I'm not pretending. I never was. Look around. We're still in each other's lives.
Even when you're not sitting right next to me, Caleb is still in part who he is because of you. And he constantly brings you up. Oh, and he didn't dump you. You guys breaking up wasn't easy on him. It's what he wanted. How do you know what he wants? Because I'm his... His what? His... His ex. Boyfriend. Oh my god. You need to stop going round and round in circles about what you are to each other. What? You keep thinking of yourselves as exes, but you're not.
You're not just the high school couple that went to prom together, wore the Letterman jacket, missed curfew for a few more minutes in the car, and then broke up after graduation. That's the typical stuff. Please, for the love of God, do not make any typical joke right now. I'm serious. You're more than that. What Caleb has told me about you two, what you've been through together, what you are to each other... What did he tell you? A lot, Adam. He's my best friend.
You used to be my best friend. Yeah, well, then you broke up and avoided each other. I didn't want to. Which is normal. It's fine. But we're all here. Thrown together. He misses you. You miss him. This is all awkward because... Well, it's awkward. Get over it. Move forward. I'm trying.
No, you're not. I am. No, Adam. If you were over it and moving forward, you would have gone straight back to your apartment to see everyone after your radio show instead of hiding out here. I'm not avoiding you. Yes, you are. I don't fit in with all of you. What does that even mean? Atypicals. I'm not atypical, Adam. But you're basically one of the gang. You talk like it's the Caleb Club or something.
But Caleb and Frankie and Ben... What if they're part of my club, huh? The Sadie Club. You know what I mean. No, I don't. Sure, I'm not exactly like the rest of the BU bunch. But they're my friends. I don't feel left out. You're telling me you never feel excluded or not special because of them? Okay. Maybe sometimes. Sometimes.
It can get annoying. See? But friends can be annoying. I'm sitting here with you, aren't I? And you're deep into your bullshit tonight. Damn. Wait, you didn't hear my radio show tonight, did you? No, why? I don't know why I was worried. I knew Caleb wouldn't listen. Give him a break, Adam. Everyone's on edge while Mark and Oliver are figuring all this out with that Beck guy. We're essentially on hope the old people fix this standby and everyone's trying to find a little normal right now.
You think going back to Boston and then coming back here was easy? We were all like zombies without classes to keep us busy this past week. Ben had it worst of all. Having to head back to New York to lie to their parents the whole time? At least you got to stay put and find some normal. Normal being relative. Why are you telling me this? Because we came back. So? Why do you think we came back? Back in the book and everything? Oh my god, Adam!
Ben is back for Beck, hoping against hope they'll feel safe again. Frankie's back for Caitlin and whatever's happening there. And Caleb is back for you. Wait, Frankie's back for Caitlin? Caitlin, my Caitlin? Oh, have you not noticed his enormous crush on her? No, of course you haven't. Okay, so why are you here? I'm here for all of you. That's what being a friend is. I'm here because I care.
I'm taking my jogs around a spooky old castle instead of Fenway and arguing with you under a tree because I care about the people in my life. Do you want us all to go? I don't know. Or do you just want Caleb to leave? I don't know. Well, what do you know? I don't know! I don't know. Hey, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to... I don't know. I don't know what I want, what to feel, how to act around him or you or Caleb or anybody. I thought I left all this in the past.
I thought I was at the point in my life where I fit in, or at least where it didn't matter if I didn't. You fit in. I'm telling you that you do. Why don't you think you fit in? Because I'm me. What does that even mean? I'm not atypical. I don't fit in. I'll always be a second choice to Caleb, or anyone atypical in my life. It's just how it is. That's not reality, man. It is for me. You ever think that maybe it's Caleb who wants to fit in? And Frankie and Ben? No.
You, me, and Caitlin don't have to deal with that. Sure, we've all got our own stuff. Various levels of queerness and gender and other stuff. But they have to deal with a whole other level of otherness. We say we're non-atypical, but I remember Caleb sitting me down in tears one night because the term non-human was bouncing around his head. I didn't know that. Your breakup brought up a lot of stuff for him, too. What do you think that would feel like?
To feel so apart from the rest of the world. To question your own humanity. It's why I... Why you what? Nothing. Look, Caleb is going through some shit right now. Independent of your guys' forever dance, whatever this is. What? He's hurting. In a lot of ways that he won't talk to me about.
Frankie and I talked. Well, I don't think he's filling me in on all the details, but I get it. Because maybe it's an atypical thing, and he doesn't know how to tell me. If you're not atypical, then Caleb doesn't want to talk about it with you. I've learned from experience. I'm going to step over that general brush stroke and hoping you'll think about that bad take on your own time. You think it has to do with his powers? I don't know.
But something happened over the summer that seriously rattled him and he's been doing everything he can to not do his empathy thing. That's all I picked up on. Remember, Caleb isn't exactly the best at communicating. Do you think that's why he's been pushing- I'm not- I'm not getting into that. What's going on between the two of you is your business. But you need to remember you're not the only one in this situation. Caleb is struggling through stuff too. Yeah...
How was your show that you both wanted us to and didn't want us to listen to? It was okay. How was your run? Well, if you must know, the run was just a cover. I was looking for you. You were? I was worried about you. And what it was doing to Caleb. But yeah, people getting kidnapped, supernatural books, and secret societies, it's like not really chill. He's that upset, huh? He'll be fine. I texted him when I spotted you. Told him to stand down, take a beat. Thanks. Thanks.
I didn't tell him that you were out here, what, recording yourself monologue? That's not far off. I was staking out the library. Staking out? I wanted to prove that I could find a clue or discover something. I don't know. I was the one that kicked this whole thing off when I saw what I saw, and then Caleb got here and did his superhero thing, and then it got so much more intense with everything that happened to Ben, and I don't know. I was feeling like I wasn't needed.
I wanted to show that I didn't need to be atypical to save the day. You and Caleb are so alike, it's scary sometimes. Well, we used to do this kind of thing together when we were in high school. We would do these stakeouts and record what we saw. That's... cute. Yeah. We definitely wanted to get to the bottom of some stuff back then, but it was mostly an excuse to sit on a park bench and talk, hold his hand. But now...
Things are so real and serious. Yeah, not like sitting outside a therapist's office, huh? Wait, Caleb told you about all this? The stakeouts? Yeah, I just... Talking helps. And talking with you is nice when we're not at each other's throats. Yeah, this is nice. We should probably go though, right? Yeah, but...
Any chance you'd have those old recordings? I would literally chew off my own arm to hear baby Caleb being all awkward. I mean, it's late. Shouldn't we get back? Oh, come on. Show me some. And maybe us two normies will see something if we're out here a little longer. Okay, okay. Let's try this one. Wait, wasn't that person's hair a totally different color before? What are you talking about?
Oh my god. You guys. You're babies. God, I haven't listened to this super ever. Oh boy, Caleb. You are so bad at this. The stakeout? Picking up signals.
There it is. Nice, Adam. Like I said, clueless with signals. Same thing happened with Cole. I'm sorry, dude. Yes, yes, past baby Adam. I am. Really, it's fine. Oh, yeah. I remember this. Yeah.
Yeah, that makes sense. It's okay. It's kind of comforting. Consistency, I guess. What do you mean?
Lonely is a feeling I don't think I ever stopped feeling. Not since Caleb and I- Well, now he's here. Maybe you can reconnect. You don't have to be boyfriends to be in each other's lives. For what it's worth, and maybe Caleb will kill me for telling you this, but nothing's going on with Cole. Last weekend after we got back, he told Cole he just wanted to be friends. What? Really? Yes, really.
And Caleb should be here telling you this himself, but he won't, because he won't want you to think it was because of you. Oh, right. Of course. I mean, I didn't think it was. Oh, no, no. It definitely was about you, but that doesn't mean Caleb wants to admit it. He wanted to do the right thing by cold, but I don't think he's ready for whatever's next. Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense. I don't know that I'm ready either. I want... Well, I want a lot of things, but there's so much that he's not telling me. I know there is, and I...
What? Someone's heading into the library. You're right. He looks old. Do you know who that is? No idea. It's after midnight. That's suspicious, right? Very. Guess your instinct to stake out this place was a good one. Yeah. Want to go in after him? That sounds like a terrible idea. Want to sit here and keep an eye out for anything weird while we watch some of the primo embarrassing Caleb content I have on my phone?
Yes, yes, I absolutely want to do that. The College Tapes is brought to you by Luminary and Atypical Artists. The series is written by Lauren Chippin, Brigham Snow, and Megan Fitzmartin. This episode was written by Brigham Snow. In it, you heard the voices of Alex Gellner as Adam, Elijah Knoll as the convenience guy, Victoria Grace as Caitlin, Emily Kirk as Sadie, and Brigham Snow as Caleb. This episode was directed by Lauren Chippin and sound designed by Misha Stanton. The series was sound designed by Misha Stanton and Brandon Grugel.
Original score by Evan Cunningham. The College Tapes is produced by Lauren Chippin, Brigham Snow, Lillian Holman, and Evan Cunningham. Thank you for listening, and stay strange. Welcome to It Takes Energy, presented by Energy Transfer, where we talk all things oil and natural gas. Oil and gas drive our economy, ensure our country's security, and open pathways to brighter futures.
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