78: Broski Report Wrapped: 2024
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Learn more at apu.apus.edu slash military. Direct from the Broski Nation headquarters in Los Angeles, California, this is the Broski Report with your host, Brittany Broski. God save our precious queen. Live majesty. God save the supreme leader. Hey, one, two, three, eyes on me. Thank you.

Silent Coyote. This is Power Hour with Brittany Broski on the Broski Report. Tonight at 10:00, experts claim lymphatic drainage is the key to a youthful glow. We have an expert here, Dr. Broski, tonight to teach us a bit about it. More at 10:00, someone was accepted into Shiz University, but are nepotism claims at hand? More to come tonight.

So we're letting the children, the youth of tomorrow play this game. We're fucked. We're that purple Enderman guy who killed the kids and was in the rabbit shootie. They're gonna play this game and go on to vote for America in the future. I'm also gonna tell you right now, what am I sipping on? We're sipping, listen to that. Yeah. Do not be crazy this time. You will not make me crazy. When you start to think, hmm.

extremely loud, incorrect buzzer, introducing the guillotine into the Brodsky nation sort of military industrial complex as a form of punishment and torture that is accepted by the government, government being me, okay?

We are now going to implement, first of all, "Pokétum en mon cœur" by Celine Dion gets played as you're being- your- your peanuts is being jorked and chopped by the guillotine, okay? It's actually gonna be a law change. When your peanuts is getting jorked, do you moan? He makes me really laugh, like genuinely laugh. Oh, what the fuck? Oh, God! What?!

That is so nasty. That is so wretched and vile. See, what the hell is this? Do mermaids exist? Scientists begin tests on a 300-year-old what? Mummified body to uncover the mystery. That's what I'm talking about. Oh, look at her. She's gorgeous. And she's in a Skims strapless bra. Oh, look at her. She is beautiful. She's in a Skims. Oh my God, Kamala, you did not tell me earlier. What are you doing? You see?

Well, no, I can't talk. No, I would love to. No, don't stop the car. Okay, stop the car. No, I'm headed to Santa Monica. Yeah, I'm doing, you know, Brooke. Yes, yes. And her pot, yes. So that actually comes out tomorrow. I'm the first episode. Oh, Kama, you are too sweet. KK, we like to call her KK. KKH. Kamala Kardashian, if you will. We like to call her that too.

I said, "Gahamal, you are so sweet." "No, please, I have to go. I really can't stay another minute. I've got to hit the road." "Yeah, y'all were blocking traffic. Y'all were crazy over there." "Okay, besitos." "Bye, KK." Can we be serious for one minute? I need everyone at their battle stations. I need people in the Situation Room. I need people manning the forts. You are not on!

"Adee please, sir." Bam, zap, wabow! Leaky DC smoke! I could have slayed as a brain-dead housewife. I would have worn one of those little, the big butt dresses.

and I would have had one of those fancy little fascinator hats and I would have had just mercury lead in my mouth, just oozing, drooling all over my chest, okay? And I would have been wed off to some fat ugly man, but he would have been rich and I would have gossiped with my girls. I would have ate sweets, the just sweetest sugar. The Coca-Cola had cocaine in it, dude. I would have been living high and mighty. Take me back.

Take me back to 1893. I really would have slayed. Like, it really would have been a moment. Would I have smelled like puss? Yeah. Would I have smelled like puss? What's wrong? Hold on. Wait, what's wrong?

Everyone smelled like puss. No, come back, where are you going? Wait, where are you going? Oh, it's me, I smell like puss? Oh, sorry. Stop talking, shut the fuck up. Execution by horses. Tying each of the victim's limbs to a different horse and then driving the horses in four different directions. You know that that ASMR was crazy. Damn, King Edward had some crazy ASMR. Sorry. Execution by hanging. Hanging the victim, disemboweling them?

while they're still alive and then beheading and dismembering them. Right. Oh, holy fuck, oh, Jesus Christ! Quarter, oh, oh! Quarter, oh! Literally means cutting the person's body into four parts or quarters. Oh, right. - I'm done yelling, that's annoying.

How fucking hard is it to pick up WhatsApp and double tap a message? Shut up! Would you look Sylvia Plath in the eye and tell her to not be depressed? It's not about... Is that okay? Zooby zooby zoo. I'm cleaning my ass crack. Zooby zooby zoo.

dandruff it under my nails. Zooby zooby zoo. Oh, a new ingrown hair. Zooby zooby zoo. There's a moth! Not in the video? That was a huge bug. Okay. All right. There's been a murder. The first murder of the Broski Report. We come to you live tonight to report the

sudden and gruesome murder of a bug that flew towards my face and now its carcass is forever gonna be on that desk 'cause I'm not gonna clean that up. I do not miss corporate America, but the tea we would get sometimes, girl, I miss having coworkers. I will say that. My coworkers and I, we were like this. Damn! We were like this because that's trauma bonding, bitch. Say, "Uh," one more time. Like, can you speak? Speak normal.

Speak like an educated adult. When you, uh, can I, uh, like, when you, uh. Easter is when the bunny, everyone knows the bunny, of course, the Christ bunny, knocked on the tomb three times. Okay, he said, he said, knock, knock, knock.

Jesus opened the door and he said we're not doing Girl Scout cookies right now. Okay, I'm not interested in buying them It's Girl Scout cookie season, please like I'm trying to rest We're doing the thing, you know, like three days of eternal rest and then he became the Messiah Okay. Now when the bunny knocked on the tombstone door, that is when the peeps came out Okay, Jesus kind of rolled the tomb away. He rolled the big rock the peeps came out okay, and then

when Jesus was like, please don't bother me. Like, seriously, I said, leave the door dash in front of the tomb stone. Okay. I can't do like hand to hand contact right now. Like I'm doing strictly no contact. Like it's a whole thing. Okay. It's a whole process between me and my heavenly father, but also I'm the heavenly father. Okay. Now this is Jesus talking.

And so the bunny was there with the door dash and the peeps ran out and he was like, well, what the fuck am I supposed to? And so Jesus slammed the dome, the tomb shut. And the bunny was like, oh my God, what am I supposed to do with all these chocolate eggs? Okay. The peeps are on the floor. He scoops them up and he goes, this is something. Okay. This is something that we can work with here.

what if and then of course he starts he's kind of like looking up at the sun maybe he goes to sit down on like a log stump and and he's holding the peeps he's holding the little chickens and he's like what if these old fuckers were made of marshmallow and then everyone around him was like what is a marshmallow he's like yeah marshmallow marshmallow isn't marshmallow made up of like horse bones

If you rendered the perfect human face, like through AI, I know I'm just about really close to that guys. Seriously, it is me, I'm a real human. I have flaws. It's hard to think of one right now, but I will get back to you on that. We will loop back, sort of circle back, bumping this up in the inbox. No pressure, absolutely no pressure, but I do need this addressed by EOD, end of day, okay? Make the voices stop, make the voices stop, make the voices stop. Room reveal! Is he 16? Maybe.

Does it matter? That will not suck me. I don't care. Oh my God. Tumblr rotted my brain in ways that I'm still trying to figure out.

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When you're part of a military family, you understand sacrifice and support. So at American Public University, we honor your dedication by extending our military tuition savings to your extended family. Parents, spouses, legal partners, siblings, and dependents all qualify for APU's preferred military rate of just $250 per credit hour for undergraduate and master's level programs. American Public University, value for the whole family. Learn more at apu.apus.edu slash military.

The last hundred pages, my asshole was clenched. I was, I was, if I was casting a live action movie about my life, it would be Nicolas Cage to play me. He would be in drag. Robert Grew, also known as the bald terror. That's what they call me as well. Oh my God. Of course, painter. If I was a painter way back when, I would have painted that. Look at the way that that moves. The Red Bull kicked in. I just realized.

Me like, "Look at the way the light hits this Amazon Roman packaging. I really understand painters. I could have painted." Hey, the Red Bull just kicked in. Here's what's going on. I'm talking about the Hubble Telescope, okay? And I've got a question because you obviously have spent an excessive amount of time in the air. You probably know some things about the atmosphere and how it works. The

Telescope is on the space station, about 300 miles above Earth's surface. My question is, if there was a mushroom cloud, if there was an atomic bomb, if there was like a nuclear explosion, how far up do those usually go? And could you see it from the telescope? And would something like that affect the technology of the telescope? Well, that's several questions, I would say.

I say this all the time, I don't know how to like something normal. I don't know how to do that. Yeah, I have a screenshot of your parents' home address. What am I supposed to not? I'm supposed to not know everything about you, dude? I'm supposed to not Google your fucking grandma's name? Found your grandfather's obituary. Lust, check. Gluttony, check. Greed, check. Sloth, check. Wrath, yeah, wrath, check. Envy.

Yeah, check. Pride, check. We're seven for seven team. All right, what'd you guys get on the seven deadly sins test? Did you guys pass? You have to have five or above to still be allowed in Broski Nation. Broski Nation. At some point I'm going to relocate outside of a popular Air Force base and I am going to, yeah, yeah, in my little Marilyn Monroe white dress, no undies.

No undies, okay? No undies, maybe some Spanx. Maybe some 3XL Spanx underneath, but no undies. And I'm gonna, "Yoo-hoo!" Right outside where they like check your ID. And I'm gonna say, "Where are the boys? "Where are the young servicemen? "I'm just a little German girl." And they'll be like, "Ma'am, you have got to, "there are like military vehicles coming through here. "You need to get out of the way. "Also, why don't you have underwear on? "Why are you barefoot?" Okay? "Yoo-hoo!" My handkerchief is shit-stained.

They're like, ma'am, you've got, you are in the way. Please. I'm dodging in between those little, like, the arms that come down to block the, they'll have the arm come down, they'll check your military ID, and then they'll let you on. Yoo-hoo. I jump it. I'm running. I go straight for the barracks. I go straight for the dorms. Okay? Yoo-hoo, young gentleman. Does anybody want me? I'm just a little gentleman.

They tackle me to the ground. My skirt comes up. No, no, my spanks. My tan spanks. No, no, don't make me go back. And then a young gentleman comes out of the barracks. Stop, stop. That's my wife. She escaped. Yeah, hello? Yep, they have guns. Uh-huh. And ammo. Oh, there's a bomb. Ooh, and anthrax. Okay. Oh, so they're mad. Okay, yeah. No, and I'll see you over dinner tonight too.

Okay, could you just like disarm the bomb? Okay, love you. No, you hang up. Okay, love you. Bye. Sorry, that was Sam Hartman. That's what Remy's whispering in my ear. Kill them, kill them, kill them. Burn them! And I say, "Shh, Jesus. Who was Merriam-Webster?" Just how I've always thought that it's fucked up that there's a King James version of the Bible. Who was James? There's a Jimmy? There's a Mr. Beast version of the Bible?

The Mr. Beast Bible? No, bro. Some of them are like, they're fine to play with outside the package. Just be careful, don't eat it. Okay, what about if I put it in my mouth? I'm not eating it, I'm just sucking on it a little bit. It's a waffle. You mean you don't want me to suck on it? Grow up. What sort of meat, what sort of vegetables would this dragon be ingesting after a long day of patrolling, flying around, you know, raising their young?

Well, probably something like, 'cause you know they can't swim. So what was on the land? People. They was eating people. Very interesting. And do we have any sort of understanding or theory, leading theory that these dragons were ever tamed by people? Hell no! Hell, they would have eaten you like a damn Sunday roast. Get that shit on the barbecue, flint.

Poison site dripping down their sp-- Okay, I turned 27 this year. Y'all, y'all, can you bow your heads in prayer with me really quick? Dear Heavenly Father, I want to thank you for gathering all of us together with our eyes shut and heads bowed in prayer. I'd like to thank you for freeing me of the shackles of this Irishman. Lord, I thank you for looking over me, keeping your hand on my shoulder when it comes to the Irish. The Irish are devil people. They're devilish folk. They are not to be trusted.

Lord, I thank you for keeping your hand on me, over me, watching me. You led me out of the darkness and into the light, amen. Church, amen. Lord, I thank you so much for guiding me, guiding me away from the island of Ireland. I was so close. I was-- Now I'm just doing Trump. I was so close. So close.

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If you can hear me, clap twice. If you can hear me, clap three times. If you can hear me sing, ♪ Bebe Andresi ♪ ♪ Bebe Andresi ♪ Did you do it? Okay. I am clinically delusional. I am clinically crazy. I think that we've sort of established that point. Okay, okay! Stanley Tucci, this is my formal invitation for you to come to my house

Come to my kitchen, watch me cook Hamburger Helper. Watch me cook the simplest of meals. And I want to sit down and I want to watch you eat it. I'm going to cook it. I'm going to plate it just right. I'm going to grab it with the tongs and like, you know, how they do it. And then I'm going to garnish it with a fucking leaf of basil. And I'm going to scoot it across the table to you on one of those rich people plates that's ceramic with a little lip on the end where it looks almost like a bowl, but it's a plate.

I'm gonna scoot it across the table to you. I'm gonna flip my chef's towel on my shoulder and I'm gonna sit here and make eye contact with you as you eat it. And I'm not gonna tell him that it's hamburger helper. I'm gonna say, "Here we have a lovely pasta dish."

This is a pasta dish made with free-range organic turkey. Turkey meat that I have so beautifully and lovingly chopped with my own hands, chopped, minced with garlic, basil, right, some various herbs, thrown this into a pot together with a sort of cream base, cream base with a little bit of natural cheese, whipped that up, bring it to a boiling point, let it simmer, let it solidify.

I've taken this and I've plated it on a beautiful signature Italian ceramic plate. And here it is still warm. We've warmed the plate in the oven for you. Please be careful in touching it. Here is a fork. Please let us know how you enjoy it. And I want him to sit there and I want his ass to lie and be like, "Mmm, mmm, a free range organic turkey you said, mmm. Wow, no, I can taste it. I can taste it, yeah, mm-hmm."

Oh, that is just delicious. You said this is a family recipe? Yes, yes it is a family recipe. Yes it is, thank you. Good night, were y'all cooking pigs feet and onions in there? Shit! Good night, Linda, were you cooking a turd in there? Put that fucking lid back on!

I didn't know we were making turd stew, Linda! Put that shit back on there! The whole-- open the window! This whole fucking kitchen smells like dog shit! That was actually, like, exhibit A of intrusive thought winning. "Condo, we were supposed to leave 15 minutes ago. Get your ass in that car. We've got to go. We don't have time to stop at Cain's anymore! I told you if you want to stop at Cain's, we gotta leave 15 minutes early. That line is damn long! Get in the--" Well, we don't have time.

Oh, I don't give a shit that you're hungry. Hopefully they have Reese's Pieces at the town hall. Lord knows you took your sweet time. I love Timothee Chalamet. By the way, by the way, I massive respect and I'll stay on a knee the whole time. I appreciate you. I don't want to assert anything, anything at all. Can you say one time for me, hail Supreme Leader?

Hail Supreme Leader Broski, we are honored by your presence. Please leave us under the Christmas tree lots of presents. Hail Supreme Leader Broski, hail Supreme Leader Broski, hail Supreme Leader Broski, hail Supreme Leader Broski. Thank you so much for allowing me to have that Nutri-Grain bar when I got here. - You're so welcome, I won't even charge you for it. - May I get up? - You can get up. And you know what's a catch-22 that makes me want to kill myself? Men don't like funny women, okay? Because men hate women.

'Cause men like men. Like I said, I'm feeling dirty. I smell like B.O. and my hair's a little greasy. So just sort of walk with me there, okay? Christ would walk next to you and carry you when it gets too tough. I need y'all to carry me, okay? Y'all are Christ in this situation. Bible study begins now. Bro-ski nation Bible study!

- Santa's involvement in Christmas Day. As we all know, he was there, he was in the manger, he had the little elves in the manger, they were sort of running the guest list.

So when the wise men and the donkeys, the asses, if you will, were all in that manger after they were at the Holiday Inn and Joseph and Mary were like, "Please look at my wife, she's about to pop." And the Holiday Inn employee was like, "Okay, sir, can I see some ID?" And he was like, "I don't have an ID." And they were like, "Well, have you stayed with us before?" And Mary was like, "Oh, I've been here before." And Joseph was like, "Really? When were you here?" And she was like, "Oh, about nine months ago." And the receptionist is like,

Right? The Holiday Inn Jerusalem, Bethlehem receptionist was like, "I see what's going on here." Joseph's like, "Mary, I've never put my card down here. I've never even been to this Holiday Inn. I've never even been here on vacation. What the fuck were you doing here?" And Mary was like, "I-- it was a work trip, you know, exactly nine months ago." And of course she was about to pop that night. "My testicles and my balls are hanging out the bottom of my toga. I'm not fighting in the fighting pits. I am preaching on a marble stone staircase, okay?" When was the last time you played?

Have you played with your friends? Have you played, like, I was about to say played with yourself? Don't, don't do that. Well, I mean, do, just don't do it around me. There's mold growing in my fucking frontal cortex. And there's this fun little charm on it. Guys, you can put it on your carry-ons. You can put it to go. You can, I don't know, hang it over your bed like a baby cradle and play with it like a cat toy. There's so many things you can do.

Get out of the pool! That's literally Mother Nature to us. And we're like, "I wanna go four miles underwater!" And then we do it, and then we come up and we're, "There's fucking, there's nitrogen in my blood, there's nitrogen under my skin, there's bubbles under my skin!" Mother Nature's like, "Told you. I told you to get out of the water or else, what'd I say? I'll give you a reason to cry." That's what Mother Nature said. She said, "Quit crying, I'll give you a reason to cry." And then she spanked me.

She hit me on my breeches. Sorry, was that a screenshot of my home on Zillow? And you go, "What's up?" No. No, it was like a funny Capcom edit of like, "Oh, it seems like you wanna go on a date." No, no, no, yeah, I got that. It was funny. I just, was that a picture of my, I mean, it's not even my house, it's my parents' house. Was my parents' house on there? No, no, I know my finger must have slipped. I'm house hunting right now? Yeah, I'm house hunting right now. I must have accidentally included, yeah.

Okay, right, right. No, and I knew you were moving, but I just saw, you know, like I grew up in that house, so I would recognize it. I'm just kind of wondering like why it was in the edit, you know, just asking. And then that is when I block him, okay? You're asking too many fucking questions. What are you, the police? What are you, the fucking police? Get out of my asshole. We had this whole back and forth about like first date ideas.

"I tie you to the railroad tracks and leave you there." And then he was like, "That's a good one. "First aid idea, I," what did he say? "I buy a gun and I shoot you." And I said, "Ooh, first aid idea, "we get in sensory deprivation tanks and drown each other." And he was like, "Ooh, that's good, that's good." Imagine having direct access to me, bitch. If I wasn't me and I was a young gentleman with a peener and I could talk to a woman like me, imagine not responding.

Imagine being like, "Oh, she texted me. I'll get to it later." Imagine that! Oh my sweet Lord! I do think as an adult, like an oral chew toy would be really, really nice. Why don't babies get to have all the fun? Babies get to gum the shit out of those teething toys. I wanna teethe. What if I'm teething? Don't look at her, she's teething.

I hate getting dinner with Brittany. She teeths before she eats. Teething is a treatment for binge eating disorder. Oh, I got to chew on my microplastics. Dude, teething? Teething as a 26 year old. Sorry. Sorry. I'm teething. No, it's okay. It's okay. Not a lot of people understand it. Yes. It's part of my condition. What's your condition? My gums.

What's wrong with your gums? Well, I just have to chew on stuff sometimes. Why? Good. Damn. Shit. What else you want to know? My bra size? Now we're down a fucking rabbit hole. Bear with me. I'll get out of this in a second. The frontal lobe, all right, the forebrain, the foreskin of the brain. And I do wonder, because Noelle talked about this on the TMG podcast, if the

The human brain is actually the consistency of whipped butter, warm whipped butter. What would it taste like if it were to be, I don't know, salted, seasoned with a little lemon pepper and smeared on a piece of toast? The frontal lobe, the brain foreskin, is for personality and emotions, higher thinking skills like problem solving and controlling movement. The temporal lobe, sitting right under that, sort of like the taint ball sack,

Helps process your hearing and other senses and helps with language and reading so the ball sack helps you read the parietal lobe That's gonna be the sort of crown. Okay, the crown tip of the forebrain penis Oh Napoleon

Wow. He would have loved that chalky taste of Tums. Have y'all seen that freaky ass kinky letter that he sent to Josephine, his woman, where he said, "I return in three days. Do not wash." That's crazy. He wanted that thing stinking. Like, shut up! Napoleon letter to Josephine Bain. God, please don't wash. We'll arrive in three days.

Even historians do agree that Napoleon didn't mean that Josephine shouldn't do the laundry. Freaky-ass motherfucker. He liked it stinky. Devil man! Or actually, that's a real man. My sister had a baby, and I took it over after she passed away, and the baby lost all its legs and arms, and now it's just a stump.

I take care of it with my wife and it's growing and it's fairly happy and it's difficult 'cause I'm working a second shift. It's a factory to put food on the table. But the love I see in that little guy's face, it just makes it worth it in the end. True story. - Broski Nation is expanding into space. Yes, thank you. Thank you guys. This has been years. Seriously guys, stop. Thank you so much.

You know, a lot of Broski Nation members are very, very educated. And some of you are not, and that's okay because that's what this podcast is for. I'm here to help, okay? Let's consult the oracle, Google. And I remember we had to write our own little macabre poems and my teacher gave me a B. Okay, you don't know you're dealing with an actual published Wattpad author, bitch. That's like giving Ulysses a fucking C+.

That's like telling Mary Shelley, Frankenstein's okay, you're crazy. I wrote Allure, the vampire Harry Styles fan fiction, the much loved, number one, on Wattpad, Harry Styles vampire fan fiction, Allure, and you're gonna look at me and give me a B? That's like spitting in the face of Christ.

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$45 upfront payment required, equivalent to $15 a month. New customers on first three-month plan only. Speed slower above 40 gigabyte on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply. See Mint Mobile for details. You know, sometimes I zoom out of what I'm doing and I realize...

The people who comment, "I don't like her, she's annoying," I get it. Where is Santa allowed to fly? What air zones, okay? Like, is he allowed in certain air spaces, like above Canada, above the United States? Will we shoot him down? And does he have security clearance to sort of be over the DC area? A lot of things don't really make sense. Santa Tracker, Nord Santa Tracker,

What, do we have a microchip, dude? Do we have a fucking satellite on him? I have so many questions, okay? Oh my god, I didn't even tell you. So my plan is to move in next to a... Oh, yeah, this movie. Hold on, go back. It is so fucking hard living in my brain for 30 minutes. Imagine trying to speak for an hour straight. What the fuck am I talking about? I had that moment about 36 different times filming one of these. What am I talking about? What the fuck was I talking about?

You think that every little dead state are. The earth is just a dead thing you can claim.

♪ I know every rock and tree and creature ♪ ♪ Has a life, has a spirit, has a name ♪ My very educated mother just served us. Okay, now see, they fucking changed this bullshit because they are rewriting history in front of us, sheeple. Wake up, sheeple! They said Pluto's not a planet, they rewrote history! The moon and the sun are like having a domestic spat.

I really don't know what's going on. You astrology bitches, you have got to explain it to me. Because it's Mercury retrograde, but that shit happens like 17 times a year. I don't know. I don't know about Mercury, okay? Mercury has to do some really intensive therapy. And I don't just mean therapy. I mean like cognitive behavioral therapy. We gotta get Mercury like in PT, okay? We gotta get Mercury in one of those pools where old people are like in pools.

Man, some really intensive mental and physical therapy is needed because what the fuck is going on? I went to the pretty girl convention and you were not invited. I went to the pretty girl convention and you got denied access, bro. They did not let me in at the door. They said I didn't have the right credentials at the door, please. Can you text your manager to let us in, bro, please? I had a ticket, but they took it. Back to Red Bull. God damn, can I fucking read? Shit. Fuck.

Stay focused. God damn. I know y'all are pissed off as the viewers. I'm fucking annoyed. Can you, I've got a thousand tabs open. I'm fucking tweaking. I'm playing with my stem toy over here. I'm like, oh, the Red Bull can, the Red Bull can. Shut them up. What am I? I don't even know what I was going to talk about today. God damn. And so I was talking to all team green talent, which of course you and Mitchell, you know,

and all the rest of the Team Green cast. And at the beginning, they had me and Teffy sort of banter back and forth, just, you know, "Ah, some rivalry." Like, "Yeah, my team's better than yours, nuh-uh!" And then me and Teffy start kissing. That sort of thing. And in it, I said something like, "Well, we have the largest dragon." Okay, 'cause his name, and I said his. I said, "And his name is Vhagar."

Well, girl, they posted that clip, okay? And the Game of Thrones dorks came for me because Vhagar is a woman, okay? And because of course the biggest, baddest, scariest dragon in the land is a woman. In the moment I got nervous and I said he, okay? I had misgendered Vhagar to the general populace.

And I'd like to come on camera and apologize for doing that because I did not mean to do that. Okay? And from the bottom of my heart, I did not mean to misgender Vhagar. Okay? I'm not seeing any lip action. I wasn't checking out the genitalia on the CGI dragon. And for that, can't apologize enough. Okay? So, all that being said, I checked the comments under that. People were, like, telling me to kill them because I misgendered Vhagar.

Dork! You know what I mean? Like, I love this shit so much, but like, dork! Sometimes you just gotta do that. You just gotta call people online dorks. And that's okay. Again, I apologize, I apologize, I misgendered the dragon. But you're a freaking dork for pointing it out, okay? I'm normal.

And anyone who says otherwise is a fucking liar and a hater. Can I fucking talk? Jesus Christ! Fucking reboot! Put it in right, shut the fuck up! Come on, one more time, I'm gonna flash that badge. I'm gonna flash this badge. Don't look at it too deep.

Badge, don't look at it too closely, okay? You wanna know something? We did a production of Annie in middle school. I didn't even get cast. I applied, I didn't even get cast. I got cut. Like everyone was in it. I got cut. Fuck you bitches. And in high school theater, I did Spamalot. I did The Addams Family. They always made me cross dress or dress up as some old woman. We did Bus Stop for a one act play. The fucking director made me be an old woman.

In the Addams Family, I was the grandmother. In Spamalot, I was a knight. I was actually four different knights. I had the most costume changes of anyone in the fucking play because they had me play four different men. Girls. You're not entertained! Halt! Stop right there! Those who stand before me, prepare to die.

Right? This feels so natural in my hand. Now, let one more Irishman fuck on me. Nuke. Nukes. Bomb them. Bomb them. Keep bombing. Bomb them again. When I go home... When I go home... Olé, olé, olé, olé. Olé, olé. Olé, olé, olé, olé.

Your hands are so dainty and frail. Please put down the mug. You don't have to wash it. And I say, guys, guys, let me do this. I've always thought I have my father's hands because guess what I do? These are the hands of a blue collar man. Okay. My hands look like this. So hers can look like this. But it's just that chicken foot with the painted nails. It's a chicken foot with three talons and a red painted nails.

My hands look like my father's, so hers can look like that. And I'm going to show up in a nun costume and levitate above the crowd. I'm going to show up and be performing exorcisms for free. We go to the premiere and we do the carpet and it's just one roaming photographer on the carpet 'cause they're waiting for the principal talent to get there. They don't give a fuck about influencers because why would you? I don't either, do you know what I mean? But I was invited and I was like,

And so we went, it was really fun. And we walked the carpet. It was just one guy. He said, here, what's the name? And my publicist was like, Brittany Berski. And he goes, okay. Takes one, count them, one photo. Thank you. I was like, oh, thank you, sir. Sir, thank you. No, thank you.

'Cause I've been on some carpets where it's, "Baby, I'll be here, I'll be here, I'll be here." You know what I mean? Like "House of the Dragon," that sort of thing. It's like, 'cause you're the host and you're important. But for some of these carpets, it's like, "What's your fucking name? All right, move on. Next!" Like moving cattle. They were tagging cattle. I was heifer number four. Oh my God, I'm like shaking. I'm tweaking right now. I had like four cups of coffee.

Hey guys, today I'm going to get my hemorrhoid cream from CVS. These men, these men are wrapped around my finger. They want me so bad. I saw a comment on the post that I put up on Instagram that was like, oh my God, they all wanted you so bad. I was like, it's like swatting away flies. It's like swatting away flies. Guys, stop, I'm...

Guys, seriously, I'm working right now. If you could just like keep the flirty, keep the flirtyness to a bare minimum, okay? To a skeletal minimum. My brain is just an empty, my skull has cobwebs inside of it and it's just this small little gooey, like shriveled brain. It's like, 'cause of all the red 40. It's dyed red completely. It's completely red. My brain is red and shriveled like a raisin and it's got mosquito bites on it.

I'm not usually, I'm about to lie. I'm not one to objectify men. Hey, yeah, the fuck I am. I'm not one to objectify men. Okay. Hey, I'm lying. I looked at this man and I said, this must be what it feels like when a teen, this must be what it feels like when a teenage boy like opens a Playboy magazine

Like opens it and does boing, like their jaw hits the floor and like their tongue rolls out onto the floor, like across the carpet. That's how I felt, dude. Like me drifting across the room with heart eyes and my tongue on the floor, like towards a pie on the windowsill. That's how I felt. It looked at this fart and had just about, and so that's this video that someone recorded from the Q&A. She uploaded it.

I saw it and I was like, that is so... because you know when I'm answering the questions I don't think about what do I look like and I watched this video and I saw my own reaction and I was like, yeah that's accurate. Yeah and I'd do it again. That's real. They just don't see. They don't see. Yes, they don't know what I know. They don't know what I've discovered. That the mermaids are very real and not only are they real but they speak to me. Yes, they speak to me.

Whenever I'm in a body of water, I hear the whisper across the waves. They speak to me. I know they're real because they're in my mind and everything in my mind is real. Y'all are dorks! Y'all are freaking dweebs! Y'all are dorks! And I love it. And I went on this date and I went to a guy's house and I was like, can I go to the bathroom? Where's your bathroom? He was like, yeah, sure, it's over there. And I was like, thanks.

He was making me a drink in the living room and I went in the bathroom. He had one of those like college dorm shower curtains that was too short for the shower. No liner. So it's like molded. Moldy toilet, beard hairs all over the sink, toothpaste splash on the mirror, no soap, pubes on the sink as well, and no towel and no hot water. And I go, so I literally like

I hover peed ran my hands in the water and I go I gotta go actually but he was like what the fuck what do you mean and I literally was like it's nice to meet you bye and I walked out and he like walked out and followed me to my car and he was like did I do you see I was like no I just forgot I had to be somewhere it was really nice to meet you at a certain point what the fuck are you have some self stand stand up bitch I had I looked at myself in the mirror and said it's

You just hover peed at a man's house because you didn't want to get his pubes on the back of your thighs! I hope I was a man and I didn't have to give a shit about- imagine how free- oh god how free they must feel. Be like, "yeah I got this hot bitch in my place." "Yeah you need a bathroom?" When she's in the bathroom like, "wee! Wee! Wee! Wee!" Oh god! She's having a full-blown identity crisis in the bathroom because she's at your place because she agreed to come over.

That was literally me. That's happened to me twice. And I always fall for it too because at least after college, like at that point in my life, I was like, I'm just looking for a conversation that isn't going to make me want to die. And so any witty man who could hold a semblance of a conversation with me, I was like, he's the one. And so he'd be like, you didn't come back to my, yeah, let's go back to your place. Oh, there's roaches on the floor. I have to go. The clock struck midnight. I have to go. Midnight. The clock struck midnight. Ha ha ha.

I'm thinking of the Cluckers to come in late. So that's happened to me a few times and it will never happen to me again. PING ZHAO BAM ZA I'll be honest, I didn't finish the Bible. It's on my DNF. It's on my do not finish. Okay? Did not finish the Bible. Lost interest.

No enemies to lovers, okay? Adam and Eve, never make up. If the camera zoomed into my head really quick and like did one of those blasted through all my arteries and shit, you would see cogs spinning and you'd see little like people working on a railroad in my mind. Like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!" And the shit's on fire and like they're revolting and like tearing down monuments. Like that's all going on in my brain. Alimony and child support, bitch. What about our children?

What about young Seamus? What about young Seamus O'Flanagan? You're not thinking about our boy! You're not tinking about our boy! I'd marry an Irishman and start speaking in an Irish accent. Not how it works. You're not tinking about our boy! Seamus O'Flanagan! His father used to work the field! Penelope's better than me because I would have been like, "Colin, get the fuck away from me!"

"May I interrupt for a dance?" "No, bitch, that's my husband!" Where is the Hubble Space Telescope? This is just me Googling. Where is the Hubble? Have y'all ever been to see it? It's actually in space. Okay, so if you've been to see the Hubble Space Telescope, let's talk after, because what are you doing up in space? God, that's my Cassian, literally. God!

Oh God, I'm knocking shit over. When I start to get, oh, that bead of sweat drips down my back and I start just, I lose control of my hands, my phalanges, my appendages. They go off to the manger, the squad pulls up, the wise men, all of the asses and the horses and the king's men. I honestly don't know if Jack and Jill made it that night,

And I don't think that Rumpelstiltskin was alive at the time. So I'm just trying to remember everyone who was in the manger at the time. Of course we know that the wise men brought Frankenstein and Murp. Of course we know that the wise men brought Frankenstein and Murp. Okay. The wise men showed up with some gifts, with some baby shower gifts for the inevitable birth of baby Jesus, of course.

tender and mild Dunkin' Honey barbecue. They showed up and they were like, "We brought you a nice dip tea candle. It's Frankenstein scented. And we brought you some Merp gifts." They went to Spencer's beforehand, the gag shop. They went to Hot Topic and Spencer's. They got Jesus some truck nuts. They got Jesus

They got Jesus one of those glasses that looks like, it looks like the 3D movie glasses, but it's got the little chain that dangles down and it's got a mustache on it. Merp. Now the worst drink I ever had in my life, that is gonna be Everclear and Gatorade. And I went to a frat party at A&M and they said, "Punch." "Punch?"

Everclear? Everclear is like rubbing alcohol. Worse. Everclear is like jet fuel. That shit is lighter fluid. And you mixed it in a big, dirty Gatorade cooler with Gatorade. And there's flies floating on top. And you're talking about punch. Yeah, I had three cups. And yeah, it's the drunkest I've ever been to date.

That shit was awful. Awful. Because I didn't know how much you're supposed to drink. I was 19. It was the first time I was drinking. I didn't drink in high school. Okay? And you couldn't go to the bars. And so when a scary white man says, here's a free drink. Hey, guess what? I had three. Never again in my fucking life. We all have to learn. We all have to learn and trust and believe. I learned my lesson. I will never, ever clear. Oh my God. I'm going to fucking gag thinking about it. Anyway, that was, I was so drunk. I was in front of the toilet that night talking about...

My mom left her voice message and called her mommy. That's how fucking bad it was. Mommy, help me mommy. That's mean. I can vote. Oh God. The drunker I get, the more my accent comes out apparently. But also that was in between me mocking him. Of course I have to mock British people when I'm around them. So no, I'm talking like this. I'm not giving a fucking green tea shot, darling. Darling.

three more green t-shirts thank you so i'm yelling at the bartender i'm yelling at him i'm yelling at this guy i'm uh are you for ole ole ole ole stupid i'm talking to him i'm flirting with him all night this dude okay don't remember his fucking name i wish i did i'm flirting with him all night we're at the bar he's like touching my knee he's like he's he's into it he wants a piece of the broski

He wanted a piece of the bosky, okay? He wanted a bite of bosky. And guess what? The diner was open that night. I want to have witty banter and then maybe meet up and then maybe we ghost each other, okay? That's what I want. Maybe, looking for an adventure partner. Adventure! What are you fucking Robin Hood? Oh, thank God I fired my therapist. She is not gonna be watching all this. Okay, back to the Goonies big monster.

I start calling in literally every two days. I'm like, "Oh, my grandma's sick. Oh, I had food poisoning. Oh, my car broke down." It was something new every day. I was trying to get creative. And then my manager would be like, "Two more of these and you're fired." And I'm like, "I'll go work at Outback Steakhouse, bitch, and I'll make more money there. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. I hate you!" "You're gonna get fired?" "Oh, good!"

Please, Donald Trump, if you can hear me, please fire me, please fire me. Can't drink alcohol, but I can fight for my country. Ladies and gentlemen, God bless America. God bless our troops. And gentlemen, start your engines! That was me on bass.

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