TDS Time Machine | Best of Ed Helms Pt. 2
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You're listening to Comedy Central. Cape May, New Jersey. A charming little beach town that set the standard for taste and sophistication we've come to associate with the Jersey Shore. But in recent years, tourists have taken their fanny packs elsewhere. To bring visitors back, town leaders developed the Cool Cape May Campaign.

Cool Cape May was an expression that was actually used back in 1896. It's cooler down here than it is in the city, so that's where it came from. We were cool back then, we're cool today. Kind of a double entrande, if you will. Forgive me, but I believe the proper pronunciation is... Okay. I took two years of Spanish.

To attract tourists, the town has relaxed some of its more excessive rules. Among the changes, opening more beaches for kayaking, adding a five-minute grace period at parking meters, and then there's this. Come to Cape May, be cool, play, and feel free to wear a Speedo. Cape May has lifted its 30-year ban on men in skin-tight bathing suits, commonly referred to as Speedos.

- Atlantic City has gambling, Wildwood has broken bottle fights, Cape May has Speedos. - That's right. The lessening of the regulations, it's all a big package. - A package? - Yep. - It's a big package. - Oh yeah, it's gonna be a big package. - Might it be a huge package? - Despite the obvious appeal to tourists, some local merchants think that Speedos have no place in Cape May.

I don't like going to the beach and having my children and seeing these men walking around in little Speedos. Well, who died and made you the Nut Police? No wonder. I just don't think they look attractive. Unattractive? Are we talking about the same thing? Because I'm talking about the little... Yes. I'm having trouble picturing a Speedo that is not attractive. I don't personally like to see men in them. Who are you trying to attract to Cape May? I think international crowd attraction would be a very nice thing.

Mr. Steenrod has... Call me Bob. Bob, have you ever had a problem with someone, for lack of a better term, popping a steenrod in one of these things? Wow. Haven't seen that. Even those who oppose throngs of thong-wearing Europeans on their beaches seem more than willing to cash in. Does your store sell Speedos? No. Look what I found. They're panties.

If by panty you mean Speedo, then yes, I agree with you. Lily was clearly in denial. Speedos are everywhere, sometimes where you least expect them. What if I told you that I'm wearing a Speedo right now? You see? There's nothing to be afraid of. I wouldn't want my children to see a man in that type of bathing suit. That kind of attitude is a startling reminder of yesteryear when Cape May's beaches were segregated.

Since then, Cape May has come a long way. But has it come far enough? To find out if attitudes around Cape May have really changed, I equipped myself with a hidden camera underneath my ball sack. Let's put it to the test, shall we? While the locals appeared to be friendly, Nut Cam told a different story.

But after a little while, people seemed to open up to me. I even caught up on some of my favorite periodicals at the local library. Although my fellow sunbathers oddly chose not to wear Speedos, they supported me and my choice.

The sensation was liberating, so much so that my enthusiasm for Speedos overwhelmed me. Overall, it seemed Kate May was embracing Speedos, perhaps some members of the community a little too much. George Andrews, a student at the University of California, Davis, had a secret.

something known only to a few special friends who shared his orientation. I am a conservative. A conservative who was tired of hiding. People are afraid to come out and say that they're conservative on this campus because it's easy to beat up on people like that are rich and stuff like that. So what'd you do about it? So we decided to do a conservative coming out day so that we can be bold.

You go, girl. In a classy display of solidarity and mutual understanding, George and his friends scheduled conservative coming out day during UC Davis Gay Pride Week. But that didn't spare conservatives the wrath of campus bullies. Bullies like Aldrich Tan.

They are trying to make light of what Pride Week is and what Pride Week stands for. But George says he's got nothing but the utmost respect for homosexuals. I don't accept, like, homosexual behavior, but then they are a part of the community. You can't kick them out. Why can't you be more tolerant of people who don't tolerate you? I do not have hatred towards... Are you trying to tell me that you don't hate Republicans?

Well, there are different kinds of Republicans. Just say that you hate Republicans. Why should I say that I hate Republicans? That's just really not right. Just say it! Fine, I'll say I hate the Davis College Republicans. Ow! It's venom like that George has to deal with every day. Let's do a role play. Sure thing. I'm just your average UC Davis student.

and I come up to you in the lunchroom and I'm like, "Hey, George, you asshole. What's with the attitude that you're spreading all over this campus, you asshole?" - Oh my gosh. - Like what would that-- - Well, first of all, that person needs love. - Keep in mind we're role playing. - A role play, I apologize. - George, you're a .

I'd explain to him why, you know, I'm a conservative. - You're not, you're still being third person. - Oh, gosh. - Okay, so let's try this again. - Okay. - you, shut the up. I am sick of all your conservative crap. - You know, I'm the reason why third person crap. I'm so sorry. - Maybe George can't role play because the pain is just too strong.

Do you ever get sad just because of the way people treat you? It really ticks me off sometimes because it just makes me feel like I'm stupid or something. I think I know what would make you feel better. What would that be? Let me get this bad boy out here. Polly Pops. Thank you. Hopefully one day more people like George will come out of the closet. Enough that conservatives will be able to say without fear,

We're here. We control the entire government, most major corporations, and many media outlets. Get used to it. On and welcome to another edition of Digital Watch. Today, we're going to talk about the camera cell phone. How many times has this happened to you? Okay, everybody, say cheese. Ready? Cheese.

Oh, wait, wait, oh, God, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

The camera cell phone, a revolutionary advance in our drive to put multiple things into one thing, is the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup of digital technology. It combines the rapid battery depletion of a high-powered digital camera with the image production capability of a phone.

Already, this device is used by an estimated 80 million people worldwide. And it's no wonder. With these portable, easily concealed dynamos, violating someone's privacy has never been easier. Or more fun. So turn off that sorority house shower webcam, Grandpa! In fact, the makers of these phones actually make invasion of privacy the principal selling point in their ads.

Gina, check this out. I'm sitting next to your new boyfriend. Don't you just love your new boyfriend? Oh, yeah! I bet now you're all going to think twice about eating.

Now, for those of you who are new to this technology, it's worth sharing a few tips. First of all, know your technology. You don't want to confuse the phone function with the camera function, otherwise you may end up with a memory chip filled with these. And number two...

Always get releases from your subjects. A release is a simple legal form indemnifying you from any legal action should a picture you've taken end up in a major national publication, such as Leg Show or Shaved Asian. I cannot stress enough, verbal permission will not hold up in court, as I learned to my dismay in the case of Helms v. Wong.

So there you have it. The camera cell phone, another example of technology's amazing power to improve your quality of life at the expense of everyone else's. For Digital Watch, I'm Ed Helms.

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