TDS Time Machine | St. Patrick's Day
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Today is St. Patty's Day and all over the country thousands of Angela's asses hit the streets to celebrate, making it a great day for the Irish. But just an okay day if you were looking for a quiet tavern to talk, read, or have a white wine spritzer. Here in New York, parade goers showed their true colors. St. Patty's Day is our heritage. We've got to be here to see this parade and respect the other people that are Irish. You know what I'm saying?

Some people just command respect for their people, don't they? But not everyone celebrates the same way. Meet Lucy McLaughlin, an Irish woman living in New Zealand. Lucy's stupid. For her St. Patty's celebration, this plucky Irish lass had someone paint her plucky Irish ass, and then she jumped off a bridge. Lucy came up with the idea after her mother got upset with her for partying with friends one night and said to her, "And if your friends painted themselves green and jumped off a bridge naked, would you do that too?"

Lucy, you got some splaining to do. That was amazing. I'll remember it forever. She then reportedly added, which is a miracle, because after 15 years of binge drinking, I don't remember much of anything. Here, Lucy explains how she built up the nerve to jump. No, we had a quick little drink before, just for a bit of Dutch courage. She then reportedly added, and another few drinks after, for a bit of Greek love. And that was Headlines. Big green ass. Listen.

As we just reported, today New York City celebrates St. Patrick's Day with its traditional parade. Our own Vance DeGeneres is there live as we speak, and he'll tell us that behind this parade is a rich Irish culture celebrating centuries of accomplishments and contributions to the tapestry that is America. It's not just one drunken mob scene, there's more to it than that. Vance? That's right, John. It's one big drunken mob scene, and there's not much more to it than that. John?

Vance, how's the parade going so far? Great, great, John. It started about 11 o'clock this morning. Traditional participants include Irish folk bands, local labor unions, and in a tip of the hat to St. Patrick driving the snakes out of Ireland, Mayor Giuliani and a contingent of New York's finest will use the parade

to drive minorities out of Manhattan. And John, I should mention that even hardcore New Yorkers really seem to be enjoying themselves today, soaking up the sunshine and using the parade as a distraction to fondle and plant drugs on unsuspecting tourists. And later in the day, the revelers will wind their way through the streets of Manhattan, eventually ending up in northern Manhattan for the traditional beating of the Protestants.

Vance, I see. As in past years, the parade has banned gays from marching. Is there any backlash to that? Backlash? I don't know where you're getting your information from, John, because I don't think it could be any gayer. Men openly marching in skirts, sucking on large pipes attached to hairy sacks.

Of course, we all know that Cardinal Conner did approve the ban on gays in deference to St. Patrick, who, by the way, changed his name from Maywynn Suket upon entering the priesthood, a tradition continued by priests to this very day, mainly to avoid the hassles of Megan's Law. John? Thank you very much, Vance. Excellent reporting. Please drive safely and remember to take your hand out of your ear.

The nation celebrates St. Patrick's Day. Sawdust and Lysol manufacturers celebrate day after St. Patrick's Day. Saturday was St. Patrick's Day, and throughout the land, proud Irish Americans poured into one of three million bars named the Blarney Stone to drink green beer and to pretend Van Morrison's Moondance takes them back to the hills of old Dunkilgarni Derry. Yonah Burdeen, no glanner.

All in all, it was a day celebrated with parades, parties in the traditional wearin' o' the green, for the traditional camouflagein' o' the vomit. New York's parade, the country's largest, featured all the fixin's. How pleasing. To the delight of those gathered, the Backpipe Ensemble later took requests to play their other song, which is actually that song, just faster.

This year's parade once again excluded Irish American gays and lesbians, and once again, they were not pleased about it. We're Irish, we're queer, and so are some of you! We're Irish, we're queer, and so are some of you! All right, may not rhyme, but a quick note to the protesters. Next year, come up with a chant before the pub crawl. After the parade, many in the group made their way to the city's only gay Irish pub, Fisty McCramden Hands.

There's old Fisty. And of course, again, cowboys drink free. And in Washington, President Bush met with Irish Prime Minister Bertie Ahern to discuss the peace process. As the British and Irish governments and the political parties now work together to complete the implementation of the Good Friday Agreement, it is good to be able to count on true friends.

Ahearn then turned to Bush and said, "And of course a true friend wouldn't keep trying to get me to say they're magically delicious." I'd really appreciate that if you wouldn't. A recent poll, a recent poll found that while most Irish Americans know that St. Patrick was the patron saint of parades, few were aware how his parade has become the subject of great controversy. Mo Rocca reports on how sometimes the luck of the Irish isn't enough.

Everyone is Irish on St. Patrick's Day. But Brendan Fay wants to ruin everyone's good time. What I want is for Irish lesbian and gay people to march in the St. Patrick's parade under our own banner. But you're gay. Your parade is in the summer. Well, I'm Irish and gay. But that's impossible, according to Reverend Lou Sheldon of the Traditional Values Coalition. The Irish people...

are not homosexuals. And he wants to protect the heterosexual march that is the St. Patrick's Day parade. The homosexuals want to rain on the St. Patrick's Day parade. The Reverend has valid reason for concern. They do mouth-to-mouth, tongue-to-tongue kissing. They grab each other in the rectum and in the private parts of the front.

These gay antics could ruin the St. Patrick's Day parade. Describe for me the St. Patrick's Day parade. Very majestic, very glorious, very religious, and a lot of dignity. How can you be trusted not to turn the St. Patrick's Day parade gay? I mean, look what you did to the gay pride parade. Well, it is a gay parade. Yeah, after you people got hold of it.

When it comes to the parade controversy, Reverend Sheldon has science on his side. When homosexuals say that leprechauns could be gay, there is no scientific basis for that. So your research has shown that leprechauns are heterosexual? Of course. A leprechaun is defined as a tiny prancing cobbler with a penchant for gold.

Where's the gay in that? I don't see any. The prancing part, is that a little bit gay? No, no, no. A lot of people like to prance. But what does mean something is protecting his heritage. As an Irish Catholic, you feel offended. I'm a Presbyterian. So as an Irish Presbyterian, you feel offended. My father was English. So my mother was an Orthodox Jew.

So as an English Presbyterian Orthodox Jew, you feel very protective of the St. Patrick's Day parade? That's right. The point is, a Faye conspiracy is afoot. Today the Irish parade, tomorrow the Irish. Anybody they can land in their court, they're going to use. They might go after Liam Neeson.

They certainly might go after Liam Neeson. U2? They may go after U2. They could even go after Rosie O'Donnell. They already have Rosie O'Donnell. She's already gay. They got her. Rosie O'Donnell has a huge crush on Tom Cruise. Those gays are unstoppable. If they got Rosie, no one is safe. They might even get the Lord of the Dance. Mo Rocco, ladies and gentlemen. Well done. Now,

Do you think that the St. Patrick's Day parade will change if gay people march in it? Not really, John. Let's face it. A parade is inherently gay. I mean, think about it. A crowd of singers and a gaggle of dancers perched atop floats, brightly painted paper mache. Yeah, but Mo, not all parades. I mean, what about military parades? Oh, John, come on. Uniforms, boots, chaps. It's even gayer. Chaps?

What branch of the military wears chaps? Well, the cavalry, John. Mounted privates. I mean, how gay do you want it? Thank you, Mo. Mo Rocca, we'll be right back. As we know, our streets are boiling over in anger at these AIG bonus payments. John Oliver joins us now with more. John, we had you out there...

We had you out there talking to the people. What was the atmosphere like? How are people feeling? Well, John, I might be a journalist first, but I'm a person second. And what I saw this afternoon was a nation in pain. Roll it, Chuck.

AIG bonus payments have sparked a populist uprising. People have been here since 8 in the morning, stewing in their own anger. AIG bonus payments? That is bulls**t. They were here to send a very clear message to Washington. The economy sucks. F**k the economy. 165 million in bonuses just seems morally reprehensible. They're the Bank of America. Clearly, the government doesn't run the bank.

Some were simply too angry for words.

and best day of the year. While others were inappropriately articulate. It's because it's a decoupling of performance from pay, which creates a series of perverse incentives that have been very much undermining the credibility. And the AIG controversy was just one of the scandals which brought people into the street. Bernie Mayer made off his stealing. J.E.

T-S! Jets! Jets! Jets! Jets! In the hour and a half that I've been here, John, I've seen people passing out in anger, throwing up in anger, pissing up against the side of buildings in anger. These people, John, working at investment banks just eight weeks ago, now out here to protest. That's right. They're angry. They are angry. They want their jobs back. They want their jobs. They want their jobs back.

Are you positive that that was a populist protest because it appeared that you might have been at the St. Patrick's Day parade? John, none of us can be 100% sure where I was, but there is one important thing I learned today. What would that be, John? J-E-T-S! Yikes, yikes, yikes! Yeah! Thank you, John. John Oliver, everybody. John Oliver. We'll be right back after this. Are you all right?

Happy St. Patrick's Day, everybody. Yeah, yeah. I-I have to be honest. I don't really know much about St. Patrick. Uh, but judging by the way people honor him, his most famous miracle must have been turning nine pints of beer into ten pints of vomit.

Apparently, this is supposed to be a religious holiday. Now, I'm no biblical scholar, but I don't remember Jesus telling his followers to commit literally every sin possible until their bodies shut off. That's not something I remember. Look, obviously, the truth of the same, Patrick's Day isn't very big in Africa. Like, you know, you're not gonna get a Nigerian guy who's like, "Ah, today everyone is Irish."

In America, though, a lot of people don't know this. Black people are the whole reason St. Patrick's Day happens. You see, because by not participating, you can have six million drunk white people screaming on the streets. Yeah. But if one black guy showed up, one black... The cops would be like, okay, shut it down. Shut it down. Shut it down. It's a riot! It's a riot! So you're welcome. You're welcome, white people. Enjoy it.

Happy St. Patrick's Day for tomorrow, everybody. It's gonna be exciting. I believe the parade is back on. Exciting times. You know what's gonna be fun this year is seeing some of the people who still want to wear masks but want to be a part of a parade, which is completely fine. Some people still want to wear masks to certain things, but they're gonna do it. It's gonna be interesting to see how masks handle it when you throw up inside of them. 'Cause we've done everything with our masks, but this is gonna be a great new thing to see how it works, you know? Just, like, inside the mask.

it might actually help, 'cause a lot of the time, the throwing up, the thing that makes it terrible is that it goes out. A lot of the time, I've thought, "Ah, I didn't want this to go out. I just could have kept it in." Yo, we're gonna check in with a good friend, Stephen Colbert, on the floor. Stephen, happy St. Patrick's Day to you, boy. Sure and begorrah, my friend. How are you, John? -Wow. I didn't even know that was in there. -Sanctuary service!

Well done, Seamus Colbert. Thank you very much. I'm excited for another St. Patrick's Day and then, obviously, the Passover parade for my people. Absolutely. Yes. Yes. Yes. Now, they hurl frogs and locusts at you while you're... Exactly. Here's what happens. We all drink Manischewitz, get in a line, and march. Actually, it's not really a parade. More of an exodus. Yeah. That was the original. That was the original.

It was a great break. Now here it is, your moment of zen. Top of the morning to you. Top of the morning to you. We've got more weather, and then after that, some news. Top of the morning to you. Top of the morning to you. Just the way.

pleasant conditions back through. Why won't he shut up? Top of the morning to you. Oh, I didn't know you spoke Irish. I speak Leprechaun. Thank you very much, Ashley O'Sutton. And we'll be seeing you at 11. Join in the Irish dance we've got going with you. This afternoon, some clouds around. Now, we're about to commute this morning.

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