Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
59:31 Share

When I was 19, I met the mother of my older daughter. I have two daughters. Long story short, she ended up being pregnant before I had met her. Oh, so your 16-year-old daughter is an adopted daughter? I don't know if you'd call it adopted. I signed the birth certificate. I was there when she was born and everything. Oh, homie. Man. Yikes. What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Taking your calls about your marriage.

Your relationships, your mental and emotional health, your kids, whatever you got going on in your life. I'd love, love to have you on the show. This is real people all over the globe going through all kinds of challenges. In their houses, in their own hearts and minds, in their relationships, at work, wherever you got stuff going on. Here's my promise. I'll sit with you and we will figure out what's the next right move. So go to John Deloney, D-E-L-O-N-Y, johndeloney.com slash ask. And

and fill out the form, and we will hollaback girl at you and get you on the show. All right, let's go out to my hometown, H-Town, and talk to Dennis. What's up, Dennis? Hey, John. How you doing? I'm good, brother. What's up, man? All right, so I'm 35. When I was 19, I met the mother of my older daughter. I have two daughters. One's about to turn 16. The other one's 13.

So I met, I met my older daughter's mother. She, uh, long story short, she ended up being pregnant before I had met her. Okay. And, uh, Oh, so your 16 year old daughters is a adopted daughter.

I signed, I don't know if you'd call it adopted. I signed the birth certificate. I, I was there when she was born and everything. So she doesn't know that I'm not her biological father. Um, she's 16. Yes. She's going to be 16 next month. Oh, homie, man. Yikes. So I'm the kind of guy I took, I took responsibility cause I'm the kind of guy that if, if you can do something right, you should do it.

All right. Okay. But me and her mother aren't together anymore. We did have a plan from the beginning to tell my daughter that I'm not her biological father when she turns 16, which is happening next month. Since then, her mother backed out for selfish reasons. She doesn't want

our daughter to hate her or have any animosity towards her or anything like that. She's going to hate y'all so every minute you wait is like an, it's like a 401k. It's like the, the compound interest on her disdain for you two will grow with every minute. You should have told her way before now, way before now. I've come to realize that. Yeah. Not, not another minute.

I just wait. I just, I've been weighing everything. You know, I don't want to hurt her. You already have. I know you already have. And so I, I like this is now, cause here's what's happened is, and bro, listen, like I'm not, I don't want to bad mouth you or anything like that. I'm, I'm, I'm speaking emphatically just because I've sat with the other side of this. When a kid finds out in the 21 or the 20 or there's 17 and it melts everything in their world.

And it's not because they found out that you were an amazing dad that stood by her. You signed her birth certificate, which, by the way, I don't even know if that's legal or not, but you did. And all throughout her life, you've been there. And then you and mom broke up, and you've stayed. I'm assuming you continue to see her. You have custody rights and all that kind of stuff? Yeah, she lives with me and everything. Okay. So that's not the issue.

The issue for a 16 year old finding this out will be now and forever. What else are they lying about? If they lied about something this big is God real is sleeping around really that bad is, you know what I'm saying? Like they'll question everything you've ever taught her values wise. This is a big one. That's, this is a big one. That's,

I didn't think about any of that. It's less about, I mean, it is a big deal. She's going to want to know who am I, who's my real dad, but you have to understand she's built a foundation. Her whole world rests on I'm half this guy, Dennis, and half my mom. And when she finds out that she's half of a mystery person at 16, dude, that is psychologically unmooring. You get what I'm saying? I get that.

Yeah, I get that. I just worry about her future, man. What's this going to do to school? Is our grades going to drop or is our future going to be ruined? I don't say ruined, no. What will ruin it is if she finds out her parents lied to her her whole life. The trauma here is the dishonesty, not that you stepped up.

Yeah. And then that's, that's a big thing with me too. I don't want a letter. Right. And so I like it. Yeah, dude, this, cause here's the thing. She's going to find out she's going to do a DNA test. She's going to, um, um, have to fill out questionnaires about health history. She's, I mean, and by the way, does her bio dad know she exists?

Yes, from what her mom tells me. I'm not entirely sure how truthful she's been. Bro, I would find that out because if I had a daughter that some other dude swooped in and signed the birth certificate and mom didn't tell me, I would sue you guys to the moon and back. I would sue everybody to the moon and back.

I don't know if this guy's like that because she has... Bro, you tell me. I find out I have a 16-year-old daughter that I didn't know and that y'all hid it from me. I will become a very different person very quickly. Maybe not. Maybe he's a total... Just a bum and whatever. I'd be that way too. Yeah, exactly. I mean, imagine if your ex-wife was pregnant with your kid and you didn't know it and you have some son out there and she meets some other guy. She has him sign the birth certificate.

Imagine, dude. Yeah. And I don't want to jump to too many conclusions, but I always want to look at, I guess the best evidence I have is the evidence right in front of me. And if a mom would try to convince you that we need to keep this from our daughter, a thing that will 100% be found out. Yes. There is no way to hide this indefinitely.

That tells me she's willing to not tell the truth about anything that might make anybody else uncomfortable. And so what I would look at is if she's capable of this, then she might be capable of not have ever told telling that other guy that she was pregnant. Yeah. She's always had narcissistic tendencies. I don't care about the diagnostic term. Is she somebody who doesn't tell the truth? Lately? No. I mean, yes, lately. Yes. But in the past,

No. Okay. She has lied. Okay. Throughout our relationship, she's lied to me before. Okay, so I'm jumping in here. Sorry, what's your question? Are you asking, should you tell her? I guess the question is, should I tell her sooner rather than later? Yes. I would tell your ex, this is happening, period.

Okay. The best possible scenario for your daughter is you and her mother tell her together. Just tell her if she has to be on board. No, she doesn't have to be on board. I'm just going to do it by myself. That's exactly right. The best possible outcome for your daughter is that y'all get in a room and say, we held this from you. We did the best we could with what we thought was right. And now we've learned that we were wrong and we are sorry. And we messed this thing up.

And you be very clear. I wasn't involved in making you, but I got here as soon as I could. And I didn't tell you early, but please, the best you can, let my actions speak louder than my words. I am your dad and you are my daughter. Yeah. But if I'm her, the very first thing I'm going to say is y'all lied to me. The very next thing I'm going to ask is, does he even know I exist? And then if I'm her...

I'm going to do everything I can now, but probably her mom's going to force her to wait till she's 18. I'm going to find that guy and find out if he knows, period. I mean, who wouldn't want to know, right? Yeah, it's understandable. I wouldn't fault her for that. I'd do the same thing. Yeah, that's it. And so at some point, you're going to be a part of helping her find out, quote unquote, who she truly is genetically, right? You're going to be a part of that or you're going to send her out on her own.

And it's important to know that. Right. And kids can go through, all of us can go through tons of stuff. We just can't go through it alone. And so if you really want to be, really want to provide, like basically you are pulling out the rug under your daughter. If you want to try to put another rug underneath her is to say, I'll be a part of helping you find him if you're interested in that one day. I like that.

I'll walk alongside you. But you look at her and you say, I will always be your dad, period. I will always love you. You've seen me show up for you for 16 years. I showed up for you before I even met you. And my truest hope for you and especially for her is that her bio dad, and this is going to sound awful for me to say, that her bio dad knew everything.

Your ex was pregnant and he bailed on her and ran off and said, I don't want anything to do with this kid. I don't want you to abort this kid. I don't want to, I don't want anything to do with this kid. And then you stepped in. That would be best case scenario for the 16 year old. Yeah, it would be, but it's somewhere in between. Cause I think he does know. What makes you think that? Uh, her mom, uh,

uh told me that he she had ran into him in a bar one day and he asked about her so i guess he even knew before then but do you know who this guy is i've never met the guy you know who he is i've i've heard names here and there but

She's changed the name, I think, to get her way from me. She had a boyfriend and she lied and said he was the father when I know he wasn't because she had said a different name before. And I think that was just trying to get me out of the picture and I wasn't having that. It may be worth you telling wife, I'm going to do a DNA test on my daughter and we're going to find out who the dad is or you're going to tell me who the dad is?

Okay. And I guess what I want you to hear me saying is in every way possible, I want this sweet 16-year-old girl whose world is about to get turned upside down, that when she feels like she is in a free fall, that at the very worst, you are free falling with her. At the very best, you're going to be free falling, but don't ever forget, I've got you. You're anchored in. You know what I'm saying? So in a perfect world, this starts at like four or five.

Okay. With age four or five with that, that sentiment. I wasn't there when, when you were made, but I got here as soon as I could. And from the age of three, four or five or six, like whatever age those conversations start coming up, she always knows I picked you. And remember when she was four or five and trying to fight you on everything and trying to establish boundaries and all that, like all four or five and nine, 10 and 13 year olds do the common refrain is I picked you.

Right. I wish I'd, I wish I'd known all that. I know. I know. And that's why I'm not beating you up, but it's that old Maya Angelou quote, like do the best you can. And then when you find out different, you do better. Right. And so here you are, you're faced with a really tough situation. Um, from the few things you've told me about your ex, I am doubling and tripling down on my relationship with this young little girl.

And you can tell your ex, you can be with us, but we're going forward this way because this little girl deserves to know the truth about her life, the truth about how loved she is, the truth about truth. She deserves to know all that. And that conversation for a 16-year-old, 16-year-olds are smart. They get it. They're aware. They're not emotionally mature, but they get stuff in really big ways, often underestimated by adults. But you sit down and the first thing you say is, I'm about to dump your world upside down

And I thought I was doing right. And I'm so, so sorry. But today starts me doing right. That's scary. It's terrifying. Yeah. And expect her to lose her mind. Expect your ex to say all the right things. And your 16-year-old to say, screw you, dad. I want to go live with her. Expect all that. It's going to be a ping pong match of emotions for her because her whole world's getting dumbed upside down. I mean, just think for a second, like her dad's not her dad.

I mean, I'm sorry. Her dad is not her father. Right. It's just tough. Just tough. But yeah, your ex is out to lunch on let's just don't tell her. That's that's madness. That is a way to get that kid to cut you all off forever. And rightfully so. You've probably I mean, you can go back and listen to some of my shows. I've had people call in when they say like, hey, I found out somebody gave me 23 and me when I was 25 or 21. I found out my dad's not my dad.

And it just ripples through their entire life, through their marriages, through their kids. It just becomes one of those things that sets their family tree on fire. Yeah, I can't do that to her. There you go, man. It sounds like you're a good man, dude. What about your 13-year-old? Is she a bio daughter? Yeah, she's mine with a different woman. Okay.

Actually, me and her have had a conversation similar. She said she wouldn't have seeked out her father if I wasn't. I know, dude, but she's 13. Yeah. She's 13, dude. You get what I'm saying? Yeah, I get you. She's 13. I don't...

13s are just a ball of emotions and hormones and energy and data and facts flying at them a thousand miles an hour. There's still a human being trying to sense the world in the dark. And so I don't, I never would have gone looking. A hundred percent you would go looking.

Even if it's just to find out your cancer risk for crying out loud, right? She would. And so, yeah, I, I, man, I'm so grateful that you called and I would love to know what happens. And, and dude, I have a rule. I don't usually talk to kids under 18, but if you all two wanted to call, I'd talk to you both at the same time. I'd be happy to do that.

And if you and your ex want to call in and how to navigate that conversation together, y'all being adults. So we say, hey, we're not together anymore. There's been there's been animosity between us. But this is best for our daughter. Absolutely.

But yeah, game on, game on. Go make it happen, my brother. Thanks for the call, Dennis. Hey, next up, we're going to talk to a woman who just moved to the States from Canada, and she is overwhelmed with the state of politics in the United States. This will be a doozy. We'll be right back.

All right, so Easter has come and gone again. And just like there's no finish line for your physical health or your mental and emotional well-being, there's no finish line for being still and intentional about gratitude, about growing in your faith, and about building a relationship with God. And this is good news.

Intentionality about spiritual matters is a practice, and any time can be a new starting point. So if you're committed to consistent practice of gratitude, prayer, or reflection during Lent, I want to encourage you to keep going. The small daily habits add up to a transformed life. For

For my daily practice, I personally use Hallow, the number one prayer app in the world. It's a great tool to help me stay connected, to help me slow down, and to help me be grateful. Whether it's a guided meditation, there are tons of music or scripture readings, Hallow helps me stay mindful even when life feels like it's falling apart.

So set reminders, carve out time, and keep leaving space for God with Hallow. Plus, when you sign up at hallow.com slash Deloney, you'll get three months for free. So even if you missed out on Lent, it's still a great time to start. Go to Hallow, H-A-L-L-O-W, hallow.com slash Deloney for three months for free.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. More and more people are becoming aware of the need for mental and emotional and physical health resources. Whether it's finally taking action with their physical health, finally getting some friends to do life with, or finally getting the courage to seek professional mental health support. But when it comes to seeing a therapist, over a quarter of the people surveyed say they avoid getting therapy due to fear of judgment.

I understand this. I felt the same judgment before I finally got the courage to go get help. When people won't get help, it doesn't just affect them. It affects their families, their workplaces, and their entire communities. The world is better when people are healthy and whole. And if I can be selfish for a moment, the world is better when you are healthy and

So if you're thinking about trying therapy, contact my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy, so it's affordable and convenient for your schedule. They have a network of more than 30,000 licensed therapists with a wide range of specialties.

BetterHelp has over 10 years of experience matching people with just the right therapist for them. So to get started, fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist. If it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost, and it's really easy to switch. We're all better with help. Visit betterhelp.com slash deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P, dot com slash deloney.

All right, we're back. Hey, please take two seconds, two seconds and hit the subscribe button. If you're watching this on YouTube or if you're listening on Spotify or Apple podcast or wherever you get this show, the network app, please, please take a second and subscribe to the show. And if you even have 10 seconds, leave a five star review real quick. It makes such a huge difference. He puts us up in the algorithm.

And it gets the show in front of more people so that more people can start taking these teeny tiny little steps towards being a better parent, a better lover, a better friend, a better neighbor. God help us. That's what our country needs right now. Let's go out to Cincinnati, Ohio and talk to the great Lauren. Hey, Lauren, what's up? It's going. It is going. What's up, my sister? How are we doing?

Uh, I'm okay. Uh, just trying to figure out how to deal with everything. If you figure that out, write that book, you'll be a jillionaire. So what's going on? Um, I'm just really, um, overwhelmed and anxious with, uh, moving here and all the politics that come along with moving here that,

I guess I wasn't really prepared for. It's very, very different from how I grew up. I grew up in a household that we didn't even talk about politics. I don't even know what my parents' politics necessarily are. It's a weird conversation in Canada, I guess. Well, Canada has a culture of nice.

Yeah. And America has a culture of drinking light beer on the lawn and lawn chairs and yelling at the neighbors. I guess. Yeah. But you also know that if it goes down on this street, we're all abandoned together. Right. So it's, it's a, it's a, yeah, the thing, everything's open. But in general, I guess we're kind of in a cold civil war right now, but between each side, but

On the whole, I know that my neighbors are different than me. And let me put it this way. My greatest friend on planet Earth is a guy named Todd. He's a banker. What does that mean? I co-host the Ramsey Show where we teach people to get out of debt. That means my whole job is dedicated to making sure he doesn't have business. And his whole job is making sure that people think I'm dumb.

Right. I mean, at the end of the day, and he's the executor of my will. He's my closest friend in the world. I love his kids and his family and vice versa. So it's just a, it's a very American, like we disagree on like on principles, but man, our values are iron clad. I trust that guy with my life. Right. And so, yeah, it's just a very different cultural thing. Um, so tell me how, how you're experiencing it here. Is it with family? Is it with friends? Is it, where's it coming? Yeah.

It's coming from both sides. I'd say I'm kind of in the middle because I live in a rural part of Ohio. I live in Cincinnati. So as you can imagine, most people around me are Republican. And then my parents and the rest of my family live in Canada, and they're not the biggest fan of the current president right now because of tariffs and everything. So every conversation I have is...

one side of the aisle, the next side of the aisle, the one side of the aisle, the next side of the aisle. And it's a little bit much. So let's take politics off the table. Cause that's a tough, that's just a third rail conversation, especially when you're stuck in the middle. Right. Yeah. Um, if somebody, I don't know, like one of my coworkers is pathologically addicted to, uh, murder podcasts, her name may be Kelly, right? Just, just, I'm just throwing that out there. Um,

What would it be like if somebody always wanted to talk about the last murder show on 60 Minutes they watched, and they wanted to tell you graphic details about all the murder and the death? Now, Kelly's like, oh, my gosh, that'd be my best friend. But for you, how would you respond to that? I guess I would do what I'm doing in this situation. It's just I get quiet. Okay. So tell me about that. What does getting quiet get you?

I don't see any reason to be in the conversation. I don't really have an opinion when it comes to it. I don't really feel like I should in some ways, back and forth. And I just want them to feel heard. But then I'm kind of sick of hearing it, I guess, is an easy way to put it. So where did you learn?

and I think you may have already alluded to it, where did you learn that making them feel heard and okay was more important than how you felt in any given environment? Not exactly sure. Maybe my childhood. I'm not exactly sure. If you grew up in a culture, and I don't want to blame Canada because America's got plenty of this too, especially in the South, where we just don't talk about it and we're going to pretend it's not there.

And then every few months or years, somebody just explodes because they can't hold it in any longer. Or they die of some illness or they get some sort of chronic somatic pain disorder because their body's trying to just hold all this stuff in. What if I told you the greatest gift you could give to yourself and the people that you're around, family members and friends,

friends, new friends in a new culture, in a new country is boundaries. And I'll echo Dr. Becky here. Boundaries require nothing of somebody else. It's just you stating, here's what I'm going to do. And so here's an example. Tell me what this does inside your chest. If it makes you feel a little nervous or if it makes you be like, oh, that'd be so awesome. You're sitting in rural Ohio at a gas station and somebody,

It's just, well, a gas station is too easy. I don't know. Do you have friends there in Ohio? Yeah, I do. Okay. So they just start going in. Canada's the worst. I hate that place. They are fill in the blank, fill in the blank. And we should tariff them or whatever. Right, Lauren? What if you looked and said, hey, I just don't talk politics. I'm just, I, that's not some, I can't affect the tariff policy. And so I just, I don't get into it. But I really would be interested in how your kids are doing.

Okay. Tell me what that feels like in your chest as I'm saying that. Imagine yourself going through that exercise. That's not a good feeling. That's not so very out of my comfort zone. Okay, tell me about it.

Um, it's just because I don't know. I, I guess I'm a bit of a people pleaser. I peacemaker. Definitely. Yeah. Yeah. I don't like to make conflict. Uh, I like to keep everything at bay. Yes. But this, it's just, it's constant. It's all the time. It's in my face. I don't even feel like I can go on my phone anymore. That's right. Because I don't even see a single thing about politics. Doesn't matter what side it's on. I love it. I love it. Cause see, here's what I want you to hear.

You are not in your comfort zone on a minute-by-minute basis already. So the choice you have in front of you is not one thing I'm comfortable and one thing I'm not comfortable. You're choosing from two forms of discomfort. Okay. Either your mom and dad are going to electrify the right side of your body and your friends are going to electrify the left side of your body. That was pretty good. You see what I did there? Or you're going to choose to not be electrocuted.

And you're going to have to stand there in the discomfort of, I spoke my mind finally. And not even I spoke my mind like I took a stand. I'm like, your politics are wrong. I think tariffs are ridiculous. Not that. It's simply, yeah, dude, I only talk about things that I can directly impact or that –

I can intercede on in a minute-by-minute basis, like your kids, like our local schools, like our family, like my husband, my friends. I can impact that. I just don't get into the other mess. Okay. Because what I'm trying to get you to see is you are radically uncomfortable right now already. Yes. And you can't talk to your friends. You can't talk to your friends. You can't talk to your family. And...

If we have to choose between one discomfort or another, let's choose the discomfort that is short-term that will get us to what we want. And in your case, you want peace. Yes. Even in my house. My husband talks about it all the time. He doesn't stop. So let's practice with him. Let's practice with him. And do you want me to give you a tip that my wife did to me? Because I was the same way. Sure. I politicized everything. Everything. And my wife gave me the gift of saying...

I can't bear the weight when you come home and dump all of your philosophical stuff, all the articles you've read, all the conversations, all your pontificating about the end of the world. I can't carry that. And so if you need to talk about that, I'm not a good person for you. But I am interested in talking about things that we can do together, that our family can be involved with, that helps us lean towards the world that we want. Okay.

So I can't come home. I can, I can, you know, it's my house and my wife's house and she wouldn't like say, shut up. But I don't come home talking about all the research about loneliness and how we're all dying and it's not helpful. I can come home and say, hey, I really want us to be known as a lighthouse of hospitality. Everybody's welcome at our house. Everybody. I don't care who you vote for. I don't care who you love. I don't care anything. You're always welcome at my house. Can we invite somebody over once a week? And she's like, done. How about twice?

You see the difference there? Yes, I do. Okay, so practice with me real quick. I'll be your husband, okay? Okay. I think, I don't know, I'm just making something up. I don't want someone to clip it. They're going to clip what I'm about to say, and then they're going to put it out on the internets. I think that American politics are the best thing ever, and I think Canadian politics are the worst, and blah, blah, blah, blah. And we're sitting down for dinner. Now go.

See, this is where I start. I feel like freezing and just not saying anything. Okay, do me a favor. Exhale. And I want you to take your thumb and your forefinger or your thumb and your middle finger, whichever one's more comfortable for your hand. And I want you just to squeeze them together. And all we're doing is recognizing, I feel a thing and I'm on it. Okay. And let's go one step further. I'll even say it's unfair for your husband who doesn't know

how uncomfortable he's making you. Or he actually knows you're uncomfortable. He doesn't know why. And maybe in his weird way, he's trying to connect with you. Okay. And so a gift you can give him is, hey, this actually doesn't connect us together. This pushes me away. I can't hold it all. And so I intentionally don't watch the news. I intentionally don't scroll social media. I intentionally don't do these things so that I can show up for my neighbors. I can show up for my friends. I can actually affect something locally, which is all I can do right now.

There's not a single thing I can do about executive orders until the next election, period. Exactly. That's my mindset. I can't do anything about it. I can call my congressman. Right. I can do that. I don't even think you're allowed to call our congressman, are you? I guess you can. I probably could, but I don't think it would matter. I mean, it does. If enough people call, it for sure does. But usually that's pretty coordinated efforts, right? And you can go thumbs down everything on social media. That doesn't do anything. It just makes you mad.

Yeah. Right? And so it's just opting out and saying, I'm going to control what I can control. I'm going to become the person I want to see in the world. Period. Okay. So. I think politics are blah, blah, blah. What do you think, Lauren? I don't really want to talk about politics. And? Okay, so you drew the boundary and you drew the disconnection. You highlighted the disconnection. Now, one more statement is, how are we going to connect? Okay.

let's talk about what we're going to do this summer or something along those lines, I guess. So I would say I am interested. Always use I statements. Okay. I get overwhelmed by all the politic talk. I am super interested in planning what you and I are going to do this summer. Can we talk about that? And maybe if you're, and again, I don't know your husband, if he is always, always, always politic and politic and politic and,

It may be that let's don't do that little exercise we practiced first. Let's sit down and you tell them, hey, since I've been here, I'm overwhelmed and I can't hold it all. And I need our house to be politics free. I need our home to be a safe place where I can drop my shoulders. And the world is chaotic. My home is still chaotic. I mean, my childhood home in another country is chaotic. Here is chaotic. And especially in the U.S., chaos sells. It's intentional.

All the media companies are publicly traded. The big three or the big four, they're publicly traded. That means they have a vested interest in not giving you truth, but in selling you ads. That's it. Their job is to make a profit. And how do you make a profit? You tell somebody, the end of the world is coming and I have a solution. I have your escape pod. That's it.

And so telling your husband, I need our place to be a place of safety, not free of conflict and not free of discussion. Man, me and my wife argue and disagree on stuff all the time.

But it's not yelling matches. It's her saying, I think that's completely off. Or she says something, I'm like, I don't agree with that at all. And we go back and forth. And I may send her an article and she'll get halfway through and say, I just disagree with the premise of this. But then she honors me by saying, and here's why. And then I get a choice of to opt in or opt out, but I know we're always on the same team. So sitting down and saying, I can't do politics with you anymore. I am interested in talking with you.

I'm till death do us part interested in talking with you about things that we can build together to create the world and our tiny little sphere that we want to see. We're going to learn how to love local and be a part of our rural community here in Ohio. And we're going to impact change there with who cares how people vote. We're going to impact change because we're going to become those people.

And start there. And if he says, forget you, then you'll have a bigger problem in your marriage. But it sounds like he would honor you and say, you're exactly right. I'm sorry. I'm getting worked up on this end too. Seek connection there. Thank you so much for the call, Lauren. By the way, Lauren, whether you're from Canada, just moving to the States, it's probably more acute, but this conversation is happening in

home, millions of homes across the country. I'm really grateful that you reached out and had the conversation with me because I think it's going to give a lot of peace to a lot of people. When we come back, a woman's facing challenges in navigating boundaries with her in-laws. And that applies to all of you listening. Stay tuned. We'll be right back.

Good folks, a strong body supports a healthy mind. And too often we overlook how connected the two really are. Neglecting our bodies, like not moving, not lifting weights and not getting more flexible can lead to increased mental and emotional stress. I often tell folks I have never felt worse emotionally after a good workout, only better.

And this is where TrainWell comes in. TrainWell offers tailored workouts with step-by-step guidance from real people. And that means it's not just an app and it's not just a personal trainer. It's the best of both. To get started, you just answer a few questions about your fitness journey, hop on a chat with an expert trainer to talk about your goals and make a personalized plan. And then it's time for you to get to work.

As you complete workouts, your trainer will keep changing them to help you get even better. My wife and I use it, some of our friends use it, even extended family is getting in on it. We've all been doing these workouts with TrainWell because TrainWell takes away our excuses and makes working out easy. If you're ready to start taking control of your health,

Take the quiz to find your perfect trainer today. And right now they have a special offer for my audience. Just $89 a month when you lock in your plan, plus 14 days of free one-on-one personal training. Go to trainwell.net slash Delaunay right now. That's T-R-A-I-N-W-E-L-L dot net slash Delaunay. All right, let's go to Memphis, Tennessee. Hey, what is up, Ann? Hi. How are you? How are you? I'm great. I'm good.

What's up? Um, how do I set boundaries with my in-laws? I don't know. If you could figure that out, you should write that book. You'll sell a trillion copies all planet wide. What's up with your in-laws? Well, they all work at the same family business. Oh, gross. You're doomed. You're doomed, Ann. And they all live on the same piece of land. Oh, Lord. Mm-hmm. Um,

And we just moved to the same city as them. So it's a newer issue that's kind of popped up. And we also just had a baby. Are you the first one to have a baby in that family? Yes, and also the first one to be married. Nice. So the whole cult rests on you.

Pretty much. There you go. All right. So what's going on? How are they making you uncomfortable? Or probably a better way to say that is, how are your in-laws taking peace from your brand new family in your developing and growing home?

Yeah. So my mother-in-law wanted to watch our baby. We have daycare typically, but she wanted to watch the baby for the day. And I agreed. And she texted me that morning and said, Hey, I'm going to be an hour late. So I said,

No worries. Just come a different day. And she went and checked my baby out at daycare so that she could spend time with her. Hell to the no. No, no. Yeah, that's no bueno. Right. I wish you'd seen the whole booth. The whole booth was just like, whoa. Yikes. Okay, so what else? Um...

They want to spend like three weeks of our time off from work together. And so when I push back on, hey, my husband and I are going to spend vacation together, they kind of send messages in a way that this is what we do for the holidays. You need to spend it with us. This is how we celebrate. So my big question is, where is your husband in all this? So...

His method is to ignore and kind of tell them that we might show up, but we might not show up. So he's a coward. He likes to keep all the peace. Yeah. And then he married you. Yeah. And so I get, man, peacekeeping keeps you safe when you're a kid, 100%. And if you grow up in a family business and a family compound and a family farm and a family everything, and this is what we do and this is how we do it,

Peacekeeping is a survival mechanism. So I honor your husband. Good for him. He did what he had to do. But then he looked at you and held both your hands and looked in your eyes and said, till death do us part. And that was the day he broke away from having to prop up emotionally immature parents. And he said, I choose you. And that means the peacekeeping days are over.

Now it's honoring your wife. And honoring your wife is not sending vague gray messages to in-laws because now they have another avenue, and it's you. Right. And you're having to carry all this stuff now. And so here, I mean, it's as simple as this. It's as simple as your husband telling his parents. Does he work at this family compound too? No, he doesn't.

He will finish his training and then has the option to. Is he going to? I think we've decided no. We have. Has he? Yeah. Yeah. Because if he's a person that does gray with them, he probably does gray with you too. Oh, yeah. And I say this all the time on the show. This is a real life example. The things you did as a kid to keep you safe will destroy your marriages. Okay.

And so he probably tells you pretty often, yeah, like you're like, hey, I really want to go to the beach. He's like, yeah, let's check that out. He's not going to the beach. And he just buys himself some time and then kind of slowly it fades away. And you're like, well, he's not really interested and I'm probably pushing too much. We may not have the money this time. And so you live in a perpetual state of disappointment. And then here's what I don't like about that kind of gray, just is you think something's wrong with you.

And then somebody comes along and says, you will be here for Christmas. You're like, yes, ma'am. Even though you hate it. Does that sound familiar? Or tell me if I'm wrong. I think you're spot on. Yeah. Yeah. So I guess it's very similar to a previous caller we just had. You're in a state of discomfort. And if you ask your husband, if you tell him that you need him to be more decisive about

and more instructive with his family, and more importantly, that you want to get away with him and decide together the kind of life y'all want to build, and you need him to take the lead with his family when it comes to boundaries and no more wishy-wash and no more gray. And by the way, you're doing it to me too. That's going to be uncomfortable also. Fair? Yeah, that's fair. So you're choosing either a discomfort over here or discomfort over here.

But most of the time when we don't have these hard conversations in our marriage, we think it's because we don't want to become uncomfortable. And I always want to point out with a couple, you're uncomfortable now. Yeah. Let's choose the discomfort that's going to get us to the place where we want to be. And also he needs the freedom to say, I want to be with my family every holiday, every Christmas. And you can say that I'm going to murder you to death. All right. Don't do that. Don't kill him.

Do you think he actually wants to be there and he's kind of just quietly gaslighting you a little bit? Or is he just sick of the whole thing? He would love to join the family business, but I think he knows that our marriage can't handle it. Okay, so that's what I was getting at. Because here's where the trend, tell me if the trend is wrong.

All my family's there. Let's just move to this town. It'll be fine. We'll have our own place. I'm not even done training yet. I'm not going to work there, but let's just move here so we can kind of be in the vicinity. So first kid and all that. And you're like, okay. And then it's, this is crazy. They said that I could just come, I could join the business and they're going to pay me X. I'm not going to do that, but man. And then it's this slow, it's almost like he knows where he's going to end up. Right.

And he's just trying to slowly wear the edge off of you so he can ultimately get where he wants to be. And who does that? His mom. Right? He's just running the script that he knows. Yeah. And so how long have you all been married? Four years. Okay. Can I tell you, this isn't crazy for marriages. This is pretty normal.

Where two people get together you have a kid and then you both start running the scripts that you know Or in my language you start living into the pictures. You just anticipated for your life And he probably has a picture of his parents are loving Grandparents and that he works at the family business and he takes it over one day and he's a bajillionaire And you get to live the life that his mom lives lived and on and on And you have another picture of what you want this thing to look like

Yeah, I do. And so what y'all need to do is sit down and be very honest with each other about the pictures of what you want your life to look like. And that usually is a challenging conversation, but man, it can be the most awesome gift to your family, to you and to him. So as I'm talking, tell me where you have a point of pause. Tell me what it is. What are you worried about? Well, in a couple months, once the training is done, we do have the option to move away, which would

kind of give us more distance and would go kind of back to our, how our marriage was before we were around them. But I don't want to like crush my husband's dreams. So you're just going to crush yours? When you say it like that. Yeah. I don't, I don't want to do that either.

Because I think the real magic here is figuring out, is there a way you can have the peace in your home and the laughter and the joy in your home without worrying that your mother-in-law is going to come take your kid out of school without you knowing? Or can he have the life he wants and have two or three really uncomfortable years learning that it was never his job to prop up his mother and her emotional dysregulation? That was not his job.

It is his job to fully and wholly love his wife and his kids. And that's going to be a tough shift for him. That's hard. I mean, and I wouldn't, it's not an Instagram post. That's not a switch you flip. That's something you practice. It's very hard because his mom will text him and say like, you're breaking my heart. You're taking my grandbaby away. This Christmas feels useless that you, since you walked out, she'll do stuff like that. Right? Oh yeah. Okay. So he's going to have to learn that that's not his job.

And most people in that level of dysfunction need a professional. And so here's the easiest way to enter into this conversation, and I kind of love it. When you don't know what to do next, I'm a big believer in getting somebody you trust and somebody you care about who will be honest with you and still love you and dumping the whole box on the table. What does that mean? Honey, how old's your little baby? Four months. Okay. Honey, we have a four-month-old. In four months, you're about to be done.

And I'm counting down the days because I'm terrified of what comes next. What do you mean? Because I feel like I cannot, I don't want to build a life where you're a part of this family cult. Because the next step, by the way, Ann, is y'all are moving onto that property. You know that and I do too. You do. Right. And he already has the plot picked out. His mom's already said, well, this is going to be for y'all if you ever want to come. And dad's like, we'll give you a great deal on it. I'll even get the down payment. That's already in the works.

Yeah. And so you can say, I feel like this is the future and I'm already grieving that that's going to be my life and all things on the table. We have an opportunity to move and you are so invested in propping up your mom, not honoring and loving her, but being her therapist, being her, uh, her support pet that I feel like I'm going to break your heart by wanting us to move away. And I feel stuck.

So instead of talking about family business and moving into the family compound and moving away, what if we first cleared the deck and said, what do we want our house to look like and feel like? Financially, emotionally, romantically, how many kids? If we could shake up one of those eight balls, how many kids we want to have? What do we want it to feel like when you walk in every day? And then let's go from there. Do you get what I'm saying? Yeah, that makes perfect sense.

And if he looks at you and says, all right, all cards on the table, I'm moving onto that property. This is what we do. Then you, Ann, have to deal in that reality. Because right now you're kind of avoiding reality a little bit and he's kind of avoiding reality. But everybody's playing the gray game because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings, but he's going to work at the family business and move y'all onto the plot. And you don't want to hurt his feelings, but you're moving away back to where y'all were. And that's when you get a car wreck down the road. Yeah. So step one, write down where you feel trapped.

And what I've heard you say is I feel trapped that this is going to be our end result. And I've told you since I married you, I didn't want this to be our end result. And I feel trapped that your mother-in-law is dictating my life, our life, and that we're just property in her little chess game. And I feel trapped that if I move us away, you're going to be so devastated that you're going to resent me forever.

That's one of the traps I heard. And just go down a list, write these traps out, and then honor him by sitting down and loving him enough to be honest and say, I see a train wreck coming for us, and I want to slow the whole train down so that we don't crash. And that to me, I think, is the scariest, most vulnerable, but most honest and loving thing partners can do for each other. I see a train wreck coming. And the thing you do with your parents, I feel like you're doing with me. And by the way, I'm participating too. I married you.

Not your mom go make it happen and I know it's a scary scary conversation Again, I always offer this i'm happy to talk to both of you Um, if y'all want to do a session with me by together I'll do a session with you guys for an hour if y'all want to do that. We'll record it. That'd be fun Um, or if he wants to call how do you do this? He wants to choose you over mom He didn't know how i'm happy to talk to him there But i'd love to hear how this conversation went holler back, uh went how this conversation went holler back at us and let me know um, because

By the way, millions and millions of people are going through this exact thing right now. And so your vulnerability and bravery is going to help a whole bunch of people, Ann. Thank you so much for the call. Hey, gang, we'll be right back.

All right, it's time for a quick word about Delete Me. Does anyone else feel like our digital footprints are starting to feel more like digital trails leading a whole bunch of creepy people back to us? And now scammers are using phishing attacks, that's phishing with a PH, where they try to trick you into giving them something by pretending to know you. Have you ever got an email or a text or a phone call and the person or the AI bot on the other end sounds like someone who's really looking out for you? With the new technological advancements,

Really, no one is safe anymore. So what are we supposed to do? Start controlling what you can. First, you learn about how to be careful online and offline with your digital footprint and sign up with Delete.me. I use and recommend Delete.me because they work in the background to reduce my online presence. That way, I don't have to worry about creepy data brokers having my data and then selling it to other people that I don't even know about. Delete.me has reviewed over tens of thousands

thousands of sites for me and they've removed my data from hundreds of them, which has saved me countless hours and a ton of stress.

Stop the phishing attacks, the harassment, and the other online threats before they even start and take control of your digital privacy with Delete.me. Go to joindeleteme.com slash Deloney for 20% off their annual plan. That comes out to less than nine bucks a month. Go to join, J-O-I-N, joindeleteme.com slash Deloney. All right, we're back. All right, Kelly, something rad happened. What is it?

All right, this is a bit of a follow-up. So this is from Christina from Missouri. Okay, pause real quick. This weekend, I did an event with Stephen Bargatze, Nate's dad, the magician. By the way,

If you ever have a chance to see Steven Borghese in your town, you have to go. He is next level magician. I haven't laughed that hard. He's so, it was just amazing. But he was making fun of me from stage and he was like, ooh, a grown man that says rad. You think that makes you cool? It doesn't. It's embarrassing. Like, man, he let me have it for saying rad. And just when I said rad just now, I was like, all right, I'm too old to say rad. I love it.

I love him. Oh, dude, it was ruthless. Even more now. All right, so Kelly, something neat is going on. I don't know what to say. Neato? Something really remarkable. Really swell. I'm trying to say an old middle-aged thing to say. It's the bee's knees? Yay! All right.

So this is from Christina. Two years ago, she called in and you talked to her about how to support her sister who had a terminal diagnosis. Okay. All right. So she says here, I took your advice. By the way, the sister was ignoring it. Wouldn't plan a funeral stuff. Wouldn't talk about it with her husband. I do remember this call. Yeah. She wouldn't face reality basically. All right.

She said, I took your advice and we had hard conversations about funeral and we said everything that we wanted to say. We laughed and cried. We drove down to the lake to watch the sunset. I sat with her many times just holding her hands while we cried. It was beautiful and sad. I had the privilege of being next to her as she left this world. I found out later that she was unable to have those hard conversations with her husband and son.

But because we had had those conversations, I was able to help guide them through the process and tell them her wishes. Thanks to your advice, I have no regrets. I miss her terribly, but our last words to each other in this world where I love you. Thank you for all that you do. Oh, my gosh. Uh-oh, caught me on the wrong day. I'm about to get choked up. What was her name? This is Christina from St. Louis. Christina from St. Louis. I'm not even going to say anything else other than that's amazing. And...

You've created a legacy for a grieving husband and a grieving kid and for you and your family because you entered into that hard conversation. Amazing. Amazing. Yeah. Well, that was a blessing, man. I appreciate that one. That was a really great letter. Thank you so much for that. Kind of like the theme of the show today is head into the hard conversation. If you're not having a hard conversation, you're already miserable.

If you have a hard conversation, that's miserable. It's hard. So you're just choosing your heart. You're choosing which misery you, a path you want to take. And I'm always going to take the one that's going to be short term that is going to get me to where I want to go and not just stay in the dance forever. So thank you all so much for checking out the show. Love you guys. Stay in school. Don't do drugs. And I'll see you next time. Peace.